Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 4

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe.
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Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and
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I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,
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which I would say can be a little tricky.
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So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about
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the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week
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we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping.
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Or hopefully how they're not coping.
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And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with
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your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.
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Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when
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none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening
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to Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell, Volume 4.
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So then you started stand-up when your daughters, when your children,
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the older ones, were teenagers, is that right?
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Uh, yeah, two were in double figures and one was
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very young.
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And how did the kids react to that?
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Well, Josh, for the longest time I was doing open
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mic in, you know, butt fuck. They didn't know what
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I was doing. They were like, you're not really, anyway,
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I never read good night stories and all that because
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they don't be in India. And I thought it was
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always so tedious. So that's not like they missed that.
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But what about bath time?
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No, bath time? No, they have a bath. What am
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I going to do? I mean, of course, they're not
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that small. When they were small, I was in the bath.
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I didn't want them to drown. But as soon as
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they could have a bath, I was like, go have
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a shower. What are you doing?
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So what age would you let them shower alone?
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You know, when they were like a reasonable age, whatever, like,
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I don't know, six, seven. One of my kids had
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a habit of going into the shower and coming back
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and coming out and with a totally dry face. And
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I'd be like, who are you kidding? I was like,
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how is this, how is this possible? He said, no, mommy,
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I did. I said, you did not. You did. Come on, dude.
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Come on. And then by the time it was like,
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really the only time your kids know is when they're
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friends or, or you're on YouTube or TV. I mean, otherwise,
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how do they know? They don't. And I think for me,
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that was probably, I think it was maybe when I did,
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have I got news for you, which I did very early.
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Maybe I, I don't know, you know, very early and
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it just happened. And I think my son was, he said,
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he asked me where you want to have, I got
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news for you. And I said, yes, he said his
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science teacher had asked him. And he said, I said
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no to him. And I said, why? And he's like,
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why would you be on TV?
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That is a real confidence booster.
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Yeah.
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But I think the other thing is I didn't like,
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I didn't choose to talk about it at home really,
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because I just, it was just, it's just something I
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did that was not, you know, like for the kids,
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I was, because I was still always a full on mom.
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I was still taking them to school. waking them up,
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going to see their football, packing their lunch. Who has
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the time in between telling them to stop beating each
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other up and get their shit together and get in
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the car to be like, oh, by the way, I'm
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doing stand-up. Like who?
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Nobody.
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You know, and I'm very, I've always been quite demanding
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academically of the children. So by and large, they don't
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like to talk to me.
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Are you quite stern, mother? Like quite strict?
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I mean, I'm told I'm strict.
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Who by?
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Everybody in the house.
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What about other kids of friends and family?
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Have there been things you don't like going on in
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your house and you've had to impose your stricter rules
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on other kids?
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I wouldn't do that to other people's kids in our home.
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If they come, they behave badly. They're my guests. They can.
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You will see my kids looking at me in utter panic.
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Oh my God.
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And they look at me in like, they're like terrorized
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because they know what it means to me, but they've
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also understood. We have a phrase in Sanskrit, which is,
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which is the guest comes as God. So you do
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never criticize your guests. You know what I mean? No
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matter what. But when they leave, I look at the
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kids and they're like, we know, we got it. We
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saw it. But I think there's a very strong code
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with the children, you know, about what's done and what's
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not done.
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So when you say because you obviously you you didn't
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do the bed you don't do the bedtime stories what
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are the other british not parenting traditions but kind of
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parenting norms that you find kind of baffling like that
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or just like well i.
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Mean baffling you know i do know i can see
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why you guys tell stories and it's nice i just
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i'm like i'm not fucking doing it i have like
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I just, it's not even like a bad baffling.
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I'll rephrase the question.
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What other things are you not fucking doing?
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I don't, what else do I not do? I don't
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really play with them.
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Okay.
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Like I play, they're around me playing. Like now I
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play with them because I've taught all of them how
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to play rummy and three card poker. That's fine. But
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I won't play like fucking, you know, Lego shmana. No, no, no, no, no, no.
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I've been a kid. I did all this.
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But don't you find that nostalgia going back to those
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games and doing something together? Don't you get a buzz
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from that?
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No, but I do other kid things with them. Like,
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for example, you know, I've always had, I've always been
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a little, I've always been a little bit cavalier with
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this bedtime business, you know?
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Oh, yeah.
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Yeah.
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When they were very little, then you have to because
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you need a routine. But like, say when they're four, five, six, seven,
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like when they've started school. I mean, before they go
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to nursery, I don't care when you sleep. When you
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fall asleep, I'll pick you up where you are and
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then that's it enough. Thank you. But if we're going
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out and you're going to be sleepy and then, you know, misbehave,
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then we have like, don't do that either. So my
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husband is like, you have no rules. These kids just
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have to adapt. I'm like, yeah, that's pretty much right.
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But every once in a while, you know, there'll be
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something we want to do. Like there'll be a TV
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show that we all want to watch. And it's like
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past our bedtime. I'm like, screw the bedtime. Let's watch.
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Or like, you know, if there's a movie that we
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really want to watch and somehow we can't watch on
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the weekend, I'm like, let's watch it now. The one
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thing that I, and I don't have many rules around
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like dessert and ice cream and whatever, like that's fine.
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It's in the fridge or we have this, eat it,
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you know, like just use some sense.
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So would you say you let the small things go,
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but big things you come down on them quite hard?
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I think so. I mean, you see kids, the things
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that kids do, which are interesting to both kids and me,
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I'm there, right?
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I'm there.
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Like I took my children alone when they were four
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and two to Disneyland by myself.
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Oh my God.
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All the way to Los Angeles.
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From London?
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Well, I went from London to Atlanta to attend my
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cousin's wedding, which was a great wedding, by the way.
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And then from there, I was like, well, I'm not
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going back to London. We're already here. So I was like,
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let's go to LA. And my husband was like, I
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can't do it. I'm like, that's fine. I got this.
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So there's those kinds of things, which I think a
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lot of adults are like, are you crazy? I'm like, no,
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it'll be fine.
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It'll be fine.
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I'll be fine. And we had a great time. The
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other thing I used to do, which the kids.
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Later told me they had never heard of anyone doing
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was I really like Pixar.
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Okay.
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Like really. So when the first few Pixar movies came out,
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they used to be one every 18 months. Like when these,
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when my teens were young, I used to not want
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to go on the weekend because everyone brought their kids
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and kids would talk and it would be like a
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kiddie movie event. And I'm like, I don't have fucking
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time for this. So I used to go on the
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first day that the movie came out, which is usually
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a Thursday or Friday. And I would go to the school.
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I did this with both of them. Go to the school,
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tell the school there was a dental appointment or something.
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Get the kid out of class. And the middle of
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the day, we would go to the movies.
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Oh, I bet your kids loved it.
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Oh, my God. Well, it's they and I didn't tell
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them because you see, kids will tell their friends. And
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so I would just do it. And I had to
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because both my kids have my husband's gene of being
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very honest. They would look at me with their eyes
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like saucepans. I'm like, remember the dentist? And we would leave.
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And I'd be like, dude, we're going to the movies.
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And their heads would explode. And I'd be like, but
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here's the thing. If you go and tell your friend tomorrow,
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I'm going to go to jail.
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So they never told.
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They were like, oh, shit. And now they tell me
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that was so bad. Like, we were so scared.
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But you're generally hard on them academically. Does that not
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go against that?
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One day of missing school, you're not going to get
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10 on 10? What's the matter with you? one day.
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He loves being negative and that's what happens to teenage
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boys they just wanna shit on your dreams take a
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bit right so for example his school about a year
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and a half ago had a trip to Auschwitz. They
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had a trip to Auschwitz. The whole year we're going
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to go. And I thought, obviously, with our heritage, that'd
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be a good thing for him to do. And, you know,
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bleak and awful, but also very important or whatever. So
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I say to him one breakfast, you know, Ezra, I
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think you should go on this trip.
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That'd be good. And he's like, nah.
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And I'm like, no, really?
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Look at me, take it seriously. I really think a
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lot of our relatives died. There might be a good
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thing for you to do. And he goes, none of
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my friends are going. I go, okay, I really think
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it's important for you to go. And he says, ah, no,
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I really, I can't be bothered. And I found myself
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saying the actual word Ezra. I don't have to force
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you to go to Auschwitz.
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But you know, he lives for memes.
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Irony, an incredibly high level of irony being like scornful
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about me and that video games and FIFA and stuff
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like that.
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Does he respect your career?
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No, I mean, secretly, but I think no. I would certainly,
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he loves saying today, I know a lot of people
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are working from home, but if you've got a family,
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it's often a good idea to think like, oh, I'm
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going to go.
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And write somewhere else.
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So I'm thinking about doing that. So I went and
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saw a flat today. And I'm afraid to have to
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tell you, my friends, that I had a mask on,
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but nonetheless, I'm there with the very young estate agent.
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And he says, oh, so you're going to come and
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live here i said no i'm going to use it
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just for writing he went oh what are you a
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writer And I went, well, yeah, I'm a writer and comedian.
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He went, oh, right, right. And I told this to Ezra,
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and he just said, yeah, what you wanted was a
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50-year-old bloke who likes football.
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And I thought, right, yeah.
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I know.
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He could have been nicer.
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He could have said that's his fault for being ignorant
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or whatever, not, yeah, young people don't know who you are, Dad.
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Yeah.
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But young people do know who you are because you've
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sold 1.5 million children's books.
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Yeah, here's one.
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Oh, actually, we're not on the telly, on the internet.
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So your new children's book, Future Friend.
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Yes.
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So how many have you written? Is that five?
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He's written 1.5 million. He's sold one each. It's a
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good way to get into the million books sold.
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That's not very well.
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I've written seven children's books and one, actually one, and
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a novella. So seven and a half children's books.
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And why did you go? Was it partly to impress
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your children or entertain your children?
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Well, it came from Ezra, the idea for the first one.
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I mean, actually, I was having a row, not a row,
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but a thing today. I think the Guardian are about
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to do a.
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You talk about Ezra like Tyler Durden in Fight Club.
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LAUGHTER It's like it's just your split personality.
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Living with you. I don't know if he really exists.
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Yeah, no, I was having a constant row on Twitter
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and sometimes elsewhere. I think the Guardian are doing a
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piece about how comedians and celebrities should not write children's.
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Books, right?
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Because it causes, it means that, you know, it's probably
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true at some level, not that they shouldn't, but that
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it does create problems for those people who want to
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write children's books who haven't got like a pre-established name
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or brand or whatever. Anyway, my point being that I
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didn't particularly think, oh, I want a bit of that
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David Walliams action.
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My son gave me an idea is what happened.
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When he was eight, he said to me, Dad, why
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doesn't Harry Potter run away from the Dursleys, obviously the
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horrible muggle family that he has to live with, when
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he's not at Hogwarts, why doesn't he run away from
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them and try and find some better parents? And I
284
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could have said to him, the literary answer to that,
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which is, well, I think it's because J.K. Rowling wants
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to suggest that Hogwarts is very magical and so she
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creates a very negative humdrum life for him when he's
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not at Hogwarts. Well, I didn't say that.
289
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I said, because it's too long. I said, that's giving
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me an idea.
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And the idea was a world in which children can
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choose their own parents. And that led to my first
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children's book, which is called The Parent Agency, about a
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kid called Barry who is annoyed with his parents all
295
00:12:44.789 --> 00:12:47.470
the time wishes for better parents, goes through his bedroom
296
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wall into a world run by kids in which parents
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basically have to audition to get children.
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That's a great idea.
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And he tries out five different types of parents. And, yeah,
300
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so I wrote that. And what you just said, Josh,
301
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about it being a good idea, the reason I said
302
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that was not just being self-aggrandizing. The reason that I
303
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wrote it is that when I had the idea, because
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of what Ezra said, I thought that sounds like a
305
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really good idea for a children's book. So much so,
306
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I thought someone else must have done it, but they haven't.
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And you know when you have a good idea, that's
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often how it feels. It feels so classic, someone else
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must have done it. And it did do really well.
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And at that point, I thought, now I do want
311
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a bit of that Williams action.
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I remember when they were small and that bit where
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they possibly nap in the afternoon. And then if that
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doesn't happen, you more or less want to kill yourself.
315
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That period is behind me now. The flip side is
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the evenings are off limits because their idea of when
317
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they should be going to sleep, of course, is like,
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I mean, a 10-year-old is basically a teenager in terms
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of how much he demands to stay up. So, yeah, again,
320
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the routines of the day just get shifted.
321
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I think I'd take my evenings over. If you offered
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me to lose two hours of the evening, to my
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daughter staying up, but I gained two hours in the morning.
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I think I'd prefer to lose the time in the
325
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morning still. The evenings are.
326
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I don't have the... I can't offer you that anyway.
327
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I don't control it, obviously.
328
00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:22.259
Also, Mark, with the.
329
00:14:22.279 --> 00:14:25.220
So, obviously, the kids splitting times between the two houses
330
00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:27.649
and stuff, do you ever sort of clash slightly on
331
00:14:27.669 --> 00:14:29.809
the parenting? And is it harder to sort of, like,
332
00:14:30.370 --> 00:14:32.289
you know, agree on how it should be done when
333
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you're not, you know, there together the whole time?
334
00:14:34.429 --> 00:14:38.370
It's certainly not... Yeah, of course, kids are quite good
335
00:14:38.389 --> 00:14:42.769
at exploiting. Again, in football terms, they will slip between
336
00:14:42.830 --> 00:14:48.769
the two central defenders. They'll tell my ex that, oh yeah,
337
00:14:48.789 --> 00:14:51.389
we did that at dad's house and vice versa. We
338
00:14:51.409 --> 00:14:53.850
have to cooperate to sort of put the pieces together
339
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because the 10-year-old in particular is a sophisticated sort of
340
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cheat now. He'll always claim that he gets certain privileges
341
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at the other place or that he's already done his
342
00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:06.909
homework there or whatever. you have to both have your
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mind switched on to stay ahead of it. And it's, yeah,
344
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there has to be a lot of cooperation. And sometimes
345
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I've got better at just accepting that it's not going
346
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to always go well as well.
347
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Because we have a lot of people emailing and solicitors
348
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and stuff that are sort of separated and after the
349
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kids split time between the two parents.
350
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And it always strikes me, it must be so difficult.
351
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Even if you do have a good relationship after you've separated,
352
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it's difficult to make sure they're all telling the truth
353
00:15:36.899 --> 00:15:38.879
and stuff. But if you didn't get on that well
354
00:15:38.919 --> 00:15:41.480
with your ex, it must be impossible if there's not that,
355
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you know, because some cars, friends of mine growing up,
356
00:15:44.919 --> 00:15:46.700
and you see that they have to be dropped off
357
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at the end of the road type thing, and they
358
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don't actually see each other.
359
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You said to me, Rob, didn't you, that the only
360
00:15:52.340 --> 00:15:53.940
reason you're staying with Lou is because it would be
361
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such a nightmare to be divorced.
362
00:15:55.379 --> 00:15:55.970
That was the.
363
00:15:55.919 --> 00:15:57.889
Words you used. Absolutely right.
364
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Money-wise, especially, yeah.
365
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Oh, I tell you what, it is fiddly, yeah. LAUGHTER
366
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I don't 100% recommend the process if you can avoid it.
367
00:16:11.899 --> 00:16:13.720
And we were kind of, it was a little bit
368
00:16:13.879 --> 00:16:16.899
acrimonious for a while. We were never quite about leaving
369
00:16:16.919 --> 00:16:19.559
them at the end of the road stage, but things
370
00:16:19.580 --> 00:16:23.159
are sort of reasonably equitable now. And even if they weren't, yeah,
371
00:16:23.179 --> 00:16:26.639
you'd have to make them because your mental energy for
372
00:16:26.899 --> 00:16:30.700
like fighting people is almost zero when you're also fighting
373
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with the world the way it is at the moment,
374
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I think.
375
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Yeah.
376
00:16:34.970 --> 00:16:37.669
So in some ways, all of us have learned to
377
00:16:37.710 --> 00:16:41.379
get better at, like all of the interpersonal relationships have
378
00:16:41.419 --> 00:16:44.100
had to get better because otherwise you just can't manage.
379
00:16:44.120 --> 00:16:46.019
But that takes mental energy as well. And there are
380
00:16:46.039 --> 00:16:47.500
days when you sit there and think, well, I just,
381
00:16:47.519 --> 00:16:50.399
I think it's a case of have a glass of
382
00:16:50.460 --> 00:16:53.200
wine and forget about everything here. If you buy a glass,
383
00:16:53.240 --> 00:16:56.360
I'd mean quite a large glass, potentially.
384
00:16:57.679 --> 00:17:03.179
And do you like, what's it like, like when they're
385
00:17:03.220 --> 00:17:07.109
not there and then they turn up Because you're seeing
386
00:17:07.130 --> 00:17:08.089
them for half the week.
387
00:17:08.210 --> 00:17:08.509
Yeah.
388
00:17:08.849 --> 00:17:10.549
Does it feel like you're living kind of two different
389
00:17:10.589 --> 00:17:11.450
lives in a way?
390
00:17:11.769 --> 00:17:19.339
It really does. Sometimes when, especially because my partner and
391
00:17:19.460 --> 00:17:22.660
I run sort of a production company as well from
392
00:17:22.740 --> 00:17:26.720
this house. So a lot of the time there's a
393
00:17:27.140 --> 00:17:29.819
lot of work going on. Things feel orderly here. Everything
394
00:17:29.880 --> 00:17:33.720
feels more or less like being a proper human being.
395
00:17:34.420 --> 00:17:37.380
um and then you're aware that within 15 minutes of
396
00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:40.619
the kids being the house uh it will be it
397
00:17:40.670 --> 00:17:43.609
will resemble a circus more than a workplace yeah and
398
00:17:43.710 --> 00:17:46.470
um you know what i've tried to get better at
399
00:17:46.609 --> 00:17:48.990
is not bracing myself too much for that if you
400
00:17:49.150 --> 00:17:51.130
if you if even as you're picking up the kids
401
00:17:51.150 --> 00:17:53.430
you feel tense thinking oh christ here we go uh
402
00:17:54.109 --> 00:17:55.630
that is not a good thing to project to them
403
00:17:55.670 --> 00:18:00.660
probably so these days i try to um kind of
404
00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:03.730
accept like mentally accept the chaos it's like tell you
405
00:18:03.750 --> 00:18:05.869
what is a bit easier is being able to take
406
00:18:05.890 --> 00:18:09.589
them to you know cafes or to the cinema and
407
00:18:09.609 --> 00:18:11.799
the worst bit for me was when there was literally
408
00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:14.200
no building outside your house that it was legal to
409
00:18:14.539 --> 00:18:17.720
set foot in at least now i feel like not
410
00:18:17.759 --> 00:18:19.180
everything has to be in the house but you're right
411
00:18:19.380 --> 00:18:22.200
josh it is basically like for the last few months
412
00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:25.609
i felt like um the the halves of me that
413
00:18:25.750 --> 00:18:27.549
are and aren't looking after the kids are almost two
414
00:18:27.589 --> 00:18:31.640
separate people there's a person that um can get quite
415
00:18:31.660 --> 00:18:33.710
a number of tasks done in a day, and then
416
00:18:33.730 --> 00:18:35.529
there's a person that has to cower in a toilet
417
00:18:35.569 --> 00:18:42.730
to get a single email away. If you're parenting these
418
00:18:42.769 --> 00:18:45.309
past six months and you don't regard your bathroom as
419
00:18:45.349 --> 00:18:47.430
the office, then you're doing better than me.
420
00:18:47.490 --> 00:18:48.769
What a place.
421
00:18:50.450 --> 00:18:52.170
A door with a lock on it has become so,
422
00:18:52.289 --> 00:18:54.589
so valuable in this period.
423
00:18:54.650 --> 00:18:56.849
Mine's worked out the old 10p trick, though, where you
424
00:18:56.869 --> 00:18:58.089
can just undo it for the other side.
425
00:18:58.710 --> 00:19:00.450
Is that a thing? Yeah.
426
00:19:00.630 --> 00:19:02.579
You know, like if it's one of those locks where
427
00:19:02.599 --> 00:19:05.220
it's not a key, it's a little like... Oh, it's
428
00:19:05.259 --> 00:19:07.839
a turning thing. Like a little turning knob.
429
00:19:08.140 --> 00:19:10.279
On the other side, there's a little slit for a screwdriver.
430
00:19:10.299 --> 00:19:12.259
You can get a 10P in there and turn it.
431
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:16.109
Wait a minute. I don't think I'll allow them to
432
00:19:16.150 --> 00:19:18.930
listen to this in that case. I mean, they probably
433
00:19:18.950 --> 00:19:22.990
shouldn't be for all sorts of reasons, to be fair.
434
00:19:23.170 --> 00:19:26.130
I don't know if you should be publicising... knowledge like
435
00:19:26.170 --> 00:19:28.950
this uh rob this sounds borderline criminal.
436
00:19:29.589 --> 00:19:31.950
Well yeah i mean yes i mean i wouldn't endorse
437
00:19:32.069 --> 00:19:34.539
it but it can be done you haven't exactly distanced
438
00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:40.000
yourself from it either though how do you sort of
439
00:19:40.019 --> 00:19:41.660
do christmases and stuff like that then do you sort
440
00:19:41.680 --> 00:19:43.619
of a year with the kids or a year not
441
00:19:43.640 --> 00:19:44.500
with the kids or is it.
442
00:19:45.150 --> 00:19:46.750
It took a little bit of time to work it
443
00:19:46.930 --> 00:19:48.980
out and uh the past two years we've done uh
444
00:19:50.599 --> 00:19:54.599
Christmas day itself with our respective new setups and then
445
00:19:54.940 --> 00:19:57.579
we've done things all together on Christmas Eve and Boxing
446
00:19:57.599 --> 00:20:00.740
Day um for the past two or might be three
447
00:20:00.769 --> 00:20:04.410
years it's been Winter Wonderland on uh Christmas Eve and
448
00:20:04.430 --> 00:20:07.730
then Pantomime on Boxing Day uh But of course.
449
00:20:08.029 --> 00:20:09.190
Who were you playing in the pantomime?
450
00:20:09.250 --> 00:20:13.730
Oh, just a set of bit parts for me. Chris
451
00:20:13.769 --> 00:20:18.730
Whitty was the lead, obviously. And it is nice. And
452
00:20:18.769 --> 00:20:21.210
that kind of Christmas Eve Boxing Day, I then tend
453
00:20:21.230 --> 00:20:23.779
to take them to my parents later in that bit
454
00:20:23.799 --> 00:20:26.319
between Christmas and New Year where it's a case of, right,
455
00:20:26.359 --> 00:20:28.859
what do we do now? But all of this is
456
00:20:28.960 --> 00:20:30.319
sort of hanging in the balance, isn't it? I shouldn't
457
00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:33.559
think there'll be pantomimes. And I'd be very, very surprised
458
00:20:33.579 --> 00:20:35.460
if Winter Wonderland is allowed to happen.
459
00:20:35.799 --> 00:20:36.900
No, not happening.
460
00:20:37.420 --> 00:20:40.559
There you go. I mean, I think that's probably sensible
461
00:20:40.579 --> 00:20:44.190
because that is essentially 40,000 people in quite a small field.
462
00:20:46.109 --> 00:20:48.269
And a lot of them are pissed on mulled wine
463
00:20:48.309 --> 00:20:50.069
and German sausages. I mean, the more I talk about it,
464
00:20:50.089 --> 00:20:52.349
the more disappointing it is it's not happening, actually, because
465
00:20:52.509 --> 00:20:54.470
Winter Wonderland does sort of look like a hellscape, but
466
00:20:54.539 --> 00:20:56.460
it is a great place to entertain kids.
467
00:20:56.299 --> 00:20:56.660
For four hours.
468
00:20:56.680 --> 00:20:58.200
So what happens at a Winter Wonderland? I've never been
469
00:20:58.220 --> 00:20:58.900
to a Winter Wonderland.
470
00:20:58.920 --> 00:21:01.119
Well, if you haven't got kids, it would be a
471
00:21:01.160 --> 00:21:04.700
weird decision to go, I think. But basically, it's a
472
00:21:05.180 --> 00:21:08.829
big old... like a theme park. Uh, so you've got
473
00:21:08.869 --> 00:21:12.650
your helter skelters and those rides that someone like me looks,
474
00:21:13.509 --> 00:21:16.569
looks at them and immediately throws out like awful looking rides.
475
00:21:17.089 --> 00:21:21.670
But then there's also this, um, either German or fake German, uh,
476
00:21:21.890 --> 00:21:25.809
market with booze and sausages and stuff like that. Um,
477
00:21:26.630 --> 00:21:28.930
so it is quite a good place. It's all in
478
00:21:28.970 --> 00:21:32.269
Hyde Park. And, uh, traditionally it gets so muddy that
479
00:21:32.329 --> 00:21:35.180
it's more like being at Glastonbury. It's, um, In a
480
00:21:35.200 --> 00:21:36.680
lot of ways, it's quite an unpleasant experience, but it
481
00:21:36.720 --> 00:21:39.079
is a place where the kids can have quite a
482
00:21:39.140 --> 00:21:44.220
nice night and you can get quite drunk, in all fairness. Guilt-free.
483
00:21:44.440 --> 00:21:46.400
And those are the... As close to guilt-free as you
484
00:21:46.420 --> 00:21:51.509
can be, getting pissed with kids, yeah. And also, if
485
00:21:51.549 --> 00:21:54.630
you go in the afternoon, evening, it obviously gets dark,
486
00:21:54.670 --> 00:21:56.269
it's Christmassy, it has that sort of... It's the sort
487
00:21:56.289 --> 00:21:59.329
of thing that you are aware that the kids are
488
00:21:59.349 --> 00:22:02.950
forming nice memories, even though you're looking around thinking, well,
489
00:22:03.569 --> 00:22:06.920
there's too many... idiots here and that was just 14
490
00:22:06.920 --> 00:22:08.359
pounds for a mulled cider there.
491
00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:11.059
Yeah it's expensive isn't it it really is.
492
00:22:11.019 --> 00:22:12.440
The actual i don't know how much the actual tickets
493
00:22:12.460 --> 00:22:13.900
to it cost but as soon as you get through
494
00:22:14.369 --> 00:22:18.430
they've absolutely got you um you come away having had
495
00:22:18.490 --> 00:22:20.630
quite a nice christmas experience but you're about a grand
496
00:22:20.690 --> 00:22:22.470
down um.
497
00:22:22.970 --> 00:22:25.480
When romesh went to see mr tumble at wembley arena
498
00:22:25.839 --> 00:22:29.240
with his kids obviously and it was like At 10 quid.
499
00:22:29.039 --> 00:22:31.440
For a 12-inch hot dog. And he's like, do you
500
00:22:31.460 --> 00:22:33.440
do a smaller one? And I was like, no. He's like,
501
00:22:33.500 --> 00:22:36.599
is that three-year-old? It's absolute. It's a 12-inch hot dog
502
00:22:36.619 --> 00:22:37.519
that you weren't eating any of.
503
00:22:37.740 --> 00:22:40.440
Those kids' arena shows are unbelievable. I took my kids
504
00:22:40.480 --> 00:22:45.480
to Paw Patrol live at the O2. I know, which
505
00:22:45.549 --> 00:22:47.430
is the bleakest sentence I've ever said.
506
00:22:47.450 --> 00:22:49.509
What was that experience like?
507
00:22:49.569 --> 00:22:51.069
Well, have you seen Paw Patrol?
508
00:22:51.869 --> 00:22:53.390
Yes, they're big fans in my house.
509
00:22:53.750 --> 00:22:59.720
Right, well, imagine that, but shit. LAUGHTER imagine that but
510
00:22:59.779 --> 00:23:03.720
instead of sort of a lovable animation it's just people
511
00:23:04.069 --> 00:23:06.829
you know pretending to be dogs that the main thing
512
00:23:06.869 --> 00:23:09.890
with it was is i wasn't the o2 it was
513
00:23:09.950 --> 00:23:12.890
when it was again wembley arena um it was a
514
00:23:12.930 --> 00:23:17.049
sort of place that you know 10 years ago you
515
00:23:17.089 --> 00:23:19.829
might have seen arcade fire now you're watching a bunch
516
00:23:19.849 --> 00:23:22.730
of blokes pretending to be dogs and um being it
517
00:23:22.990 --> 00:23:25.569
going to stuff on that scale, like going to music venues,
518
00:23:25.609 --> 00:23:27.789
but to see kids stuff really reminds you of how
519
00:23:27.809 --> 00:23:31.329
your life has changed. I think, um, like you're thinking
520
00:23:31.369 --> 00:23:32.549
last time.
521
00:23:33.369 --> 00:23:33.609
Sorry.
522
00:23:34.049 --> 00:23:36.210
What happens in Paw Patrol Live? It's just like, how long?
523
00:23:36.319 --> 00:23:39.579
Oh, I can, I can summarize it for you very easily, Rob.
524
00:23:39.619 --> 00:23:43.640
Hard to anything happens in it. Um, you basically, what
525
00:23:43.680 --> 00:23:46.700
happens in Paw Patrol Live is everyone responsible for putting
526
00:23:46.720 --> 00:23:49.019
on the show makes an enormous amount of money. Uh,
527
00:23:49.569 --> 00:23:53.630
Because as with Romesh's hot dog story, there's any amount
528
00:23:53.670 --> 00:23:55.519
of dog merch that the kids all want.
529
00:23:55.940 --> 00:23:57.900
And I can't believe the actors are getting paid well.
530
00:23:57.980 --> 00:23:58.880
They're not on a door split.
531
00:23:59.019 --> 00:24:01.980
I don't think... No, there's not a bucket collection at
532
00:24:02.000 --> 00:24:06.539
the end. The actors are... It should be like that, actually.
533
00:24:06.660 --> 00:24:09.119
It should be like a free fringe show in Edinburgh.
534
00:24:09.140 --> 00:24:10.569
And at the end, they should come and say, well,
535
00:24:10.670 --> 00:24:12.150
I think if you'd seen that on the West End,
536
00:24:12.170 --> 00:24:13.930
that would have been 45 quid. So if you wouldn't
537
00:24:13.950 --> 00:24:17.910
mind putting that in my bucket. But someone's making a
538
00:24:17.930 --> 00:24:20.690
lot of money because not only... So basically they come out,
539
00:24:21.549 --> 00:24:25.150
they do like a, you know, what would pass as
540
00:24:25.190 --> 00:24:28.880
an average episode of Paw Patrol, but all of it is, uh,
541
00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:32.400
they're in costumes and it's done partly by talking partly by,
542
00:24:32.440 --> 00:24:34.880
you know, like voiceover tracks and stuff. There's a few
543
00:24:34.940 --> 00:24:38.220
songs and then pretty quickly it's over and the lights
544
00:24:38.269 --> 00:24:40.750
come up. And if you banked on passing the, you know,
545
00:24:40.849 --> 00:24:43.150
killing the afternoon with your kids, there's this horrible feeling
546
00:24:43.170 --> 00:24:46.150
of like that. Is that it? Um, so it works
547
00:24:46.190 --> 00:24:49.619
out about 17 pounds a minute. And, um, You often
548
00:24:49.660 --> 00:24:52.269
get this with shows for the very young kids. You
549
00:24:52.309 --> 00:24:54.609
pay what you pay for a theatre show and it's
550
00:24:54.650 --> 00:24:57.509
billed like a theatre show. But after 45 minutes, it's
551
00:24:57.549 --> 00:25:00.970
a case of there's a particular feeling you get when
552
00:25:01.009 --> 00:25:02.990
they begin a song which has the look of an
553
00:25:03.170 --> 00:25:06.450
end song about it. And you're filled with this cold
554
00:25:06.509 --> 00:25:08.029
fear of like, hang on a minute, let's not start
555
00:25:08.049 --> 00:25:09.750
singing a song that goes, we've all had a lovely time,
556
00:25:09.769 --> 00:25:12.690
it's time to leave the theatre. I don't think it
557
00:25:12.869 --> 00:25:13.269
is quite.
558
00:25:17.720 --> 00:25:21.160
So what kind of parenting did you grow up with, Carl?
559
00:25:21.180 --> 00:25:23.349
Well, they were just quite, you know, it's not their
560
00:25:23.369 --> 00:25:26.609
own fault. My dad, I don't think, was a particularly,
561
00:25:26.630 --> 00:25:31.009
what's the word, natural dad. You know, he was 43
562
00:25:31.009 --> 00:25:33.369
when I was born. So there was no, and he's
563
00:25:33.430 --> 00:25:35.990
uncomfortable around kids. So like, which is awkward when you've
564
00:25:36.009 --> 00:25:39.970
got two of them. So we never played with it.
565
00:25:40.009 --> 00:25:42.339
I don't remember once ever playing with my dad. You
566
00:25:42.359 --> 00:25:43.740
know what I mean? He was just, I think he
567
00:25:43.779 --> 00:25:46.190
waited until I was in my teens. And we could
568
00:25:46.210 --> 00:25:49.430
hold a conversation before he actually learned to communicate. And
569
00:25:49.549 --> 00:25:54.700
he's never been very loving. He's just naturally an old-fashioned bloke.
570
00:25:54.720 --> 00:25:55.880
Do you know what I mean? He just fits in
571
00:25:55.900 --> 00:25:59.519
the corner and grunts now and again and just constantly
572
00:25:59.559 --> 00:26:04.900
watches telly. And my mum is quite a neurotic Irish woman.
573
00:26:04.960 --> 00:26:09.910
When I say neurotic, I mean to a pathological level.
574
00:26:10.589 --> 00:26:13.670
So she was always so stressed and anxious about everything.
575
00:26:14.150 --> 00:26:15.609
that that sort of, you had to, I don't, me
576
00:26:15.630 --> 00:26:17.549
and my brothers, I definitely just sort of went our
577
00:26:17.589 --> 00:26:20.150
own way. We were quite independent from a young age
578
00:26:20.170 --> 00:26:22.549
because we were like, I don't think, I think we've
579
00:26:22.650 --> 00:26:26.059
outgrown these people by our early teens. So we just
580
00:26:26.099 --> 00:26:27.980
went off and, you know, did our own thing.
581
00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:29.839
Because you've always been quite grown up, haven't you? I'd
582
00:26:29.859 --> 00:26:31.660
say like, I mean, I never knew you as a teenager,
583
00:26:31.680 --> 00:26:33.759
but I've known you for the last 10, 12 years.
584
00:26:33.779 --> 00:26:36.299
But I think you've always been sort of, even when
585
00:26:36.339 --> 00:26:38.130
you were young on the comedy circuit, it was almost
586
00:26:38.170 --> 00:26:40.190
like an elder statesman, the grown up, like the older
587
00:26:40.230 --> 00:26:40.950
brother of everyone.
588
00:26:41.440 --> 00:26:43.440
And you've always sort of been older than your years.
589
00:26:43.589 --> 00:26:44.710
I always felt older.
590
00:26:44.849 --> 00:26:47.589
Like I remember, I started cooking my own dinners when
591
00:26:47.630 --> 00:26:49.589
I was at home, when I was about 12, because
592
00:26:49.609 --> 00:26:51.650
I didn't like my mom's cooking, which is, I think
593
00:26:51.880 --> 00:26:56.700
looking back, that is rude, isn't it? At the time,
594
00:26:56.759 --> 00:26:58.500
I think I thought it's just, it will take the
595
00:26:58.539 --> 00:27:00.319
load off her, you know, she's like, she doesn't have
596
00:27:00.339 --> 00:27:02.559
to stress and, You know, and I can cook myself
597
00:27:02.599 --> 00:27:03.960
what I want to cook. And I learned to cook
598
00:27:03.980 --> 00:27:05.980
from doing that. But looking back, I do think that is,
599
00:27:06.559 --> 00:27:10.130
I'd take it personally if my daughter, when she's 12, go, look,
600
00:27:10.490 --> 00:27:11.769
you take a night off, mate.
601
00:27:11.809 --> 00:27:14.349
I'll cook for myself. Yeah, I might hear that shit again.
602
00:27:15.589 --> 00:27:17.460
So do you think, though, because this is something I've
603
00:27:17.480 --> 00:27:19.640
sort of read up upon, where if you were parented
604
00:27:19.660 --> 00:27:22.369
in a certain way. you'll sort of almost try and
605
00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:24.509
counteract that with your own child. And whereas you were
606
00:27:24.529 --> 00:27:27.170
maybe left your own devices and to be a grownup
607
00:27:27.210 --> 00:27:29.250
quite early on, do you think there might be a
608
00:27:29.289 --> 00:27:33.710
danger that you may not like overcompensate, not smother your daughter,
609
00:27:33.730 --> 00:27:36.029
but like, are you aware that you maybe do too
610
00:27:36.089 --> 00:27:37.920
much for her? And then that way she gets a
611
00:27:37.930 --> 00:27:38.579
bit muddy coddled.
612
00:27:39.059 --> 00:27:39.539
Definitely.
613
00:27:39.680 --> 00:27:42.920
I mean, there is, yeah, I'm pretty certain I'm going
614
00:27:42.940 --> 00:27:46.700
to probably veer too far that way because I, and
615
00:27:46.720 --> 00:27:48.960
it's mainly because I want, I want her to grow
616
00:27:49.000 --> 00:27:51.589
up and like me and, trust me and actually be
617
00:27:51.609 --> 00:27:52.089
able to go.
618
00:27:52.029 --> 00:27:55.930
To me you're desperate mate get me the guitar and
619
00:27:55.950 --> 00:27:58.950
the cowboy hat let's go love me love me love.
620
00:28:00.789 --> 00:28:04.359
Me I think it's quite almost a sad point to
621
00:28:04.430 --> 00:28:07.960
it but I want her to I want her to
622
00:28:08.019 --> 00:28:10.180
like me when she's older and go to me or
623
00:28:10.920 --> 00:28:13.130
feel like she can come to me if she's got
624
00:28:13.190 --> 00:28:15.589
problems or, you know, I've never, I would never go
625
00:28:15.630 --> 00:28:16.910
to my parents if I had a problem. I'd go
626
00:28:16.950 --> 00:28:18.470
to my mates. I've got mates who I'd go to
627
00:28:18.549 --> 00:28:21.730
way before my parents, but I've never asked them for anything.
628
00:28:21.750 --> 00:28:24.009
And it's, that's not, it's not just because of their
629
00:28:24.369 --> 00:28:27.869
financial situation and the fact they haven't got any money
630
00:28:27.910 --> 00:28:29.759
and things like that. It's more just, I wouldn't go
631
00:28:29.799 --> 00:28:33.599
for the, to them for emotional advice or anything really,
632
00:28:33.619 --> 00:28:35.539
just because I think I was always like, ah, that's
633
00:28:35.579 --> 00:28:38.299
not really their forte. Whereas, so I want to be
634
00:28:38.380 --> 00:28:41.480
able to at least offer that to my child. So she,
635
00:28:41.819 --> 00:28:44.400
if she's ever in, dire straits or whatever she can
636
00:28:44.440 --> 00:28:47.299
actually come to me not just think well i need
637
00:28:47.319 --> 00:28:49.819
to go through my whatsapp list to see who else
638
00:28:49.859 --> 00:28:50.579
i can ask.
639
00:28:50.539 --> 00:28:52.960
Would you find that you parent in a different way
640
00:28:52.980 --> 00:28:55.740
to your parents rob um not many people know that
641
00:28:55.880 --> 00:28:58.500
uh russell kane was brought up on a hippie commune.
642
00:29:00.880 --> 00:29:03.509
I don't know really i'm not yet really i think
643
00:29:03.549 --> 00:29:07.009
it's more when we we were treated like you go
644
00:29:07.029 --> 00:29:08.730
out and you get a job type thing at like
645
00:29:08.789 --> 00:29:11.410
six i always worked from like 14 and stuff And
646
00:29:11.470 --> 00:29:13.130
not that I want my kids not to have sort
647
00:29:13.150 --> 00:29:15.789
of that same work ethic, but I think the proof
648
00:29:15.809 --> 00:29:18.099
will be more with the teenagers. So it's just trying
649
00:29:18.119 --> 00:29:20.220
to find that balance of, I don't want to go
650
00:29:20.279 --> 00:29:22.400
too far one way or too far the other, but
651
00:29:22.420 --> 00:29:25.000
it's just trying to get the right balance of, yeah,
652
00:29:25.059 --> 00:29:26.660
go out and work because you need to work to
653
00:29:26.700 --> 00:29:28.519
get money. But also I think that instilled a fear
654
00:29:28.559 --> 00:29:30.039
in me of like, oh my God, we need money.
655
00:29:30.059 --> 00:29:32.349
We need money type of thing, rather than it sort
656
00:29:32.369 --> 00:29:33.769
of being a bit more relaxed about, yeah, you go
657
00:29:33.789 --> 00:29:34.910
to it and get some money, but that's not the
658
00:29:34.950 --> 00:29:36.869
be all and end all. And I think that's why
659
00:29:36.910 --> 00:29:39.710
some people from working class backgrounds can get consumed by
660
00:29:39.730 --> 00:29:42.779
the earning of money and getting the Rolex or the
661
00:29:42.799 --> 00:29:44.160
flash car and all that to prove that you've got
662
00:29:44.180 --> 00:29:45.240
the money so you've got the money it's all going
663
00:29:45.259 --> 00:29:47.769
to be okay but actually you're sort of running on
664
00:29:47.789 --> 00:29:49.910
a and a subconscious level of fear that it's all
665
00:29:49.930 --> 00:29:53.049
going to go away the whole time. And that work
666
00:29:53.109 --> 00:29:55.490
ethic they instilled in me was brilliant and really helped
667
00:29:55.529 --> 00:29:57.910
me in my career. However, you want to try and
668
00:29:57.930 --> 00:29:59.960
make sure it's not too ingrained, that it defines you,
669
00:29:59.990 --> 00:30:02.069
and then you never stop to relax and go, it'll
670
00:30:02.089 --> 00:30:02.609
be okay.
671
00:30:02.869 --> 00:30:04.609
We'll get on whatever happens. Do you know what I mean?
672
00:30:04.630 --> 00:30:06.299
So I think that's why it's interesting with Carl.
673
00:30:06.339 --> 00:30:08.900
And Carl's gone, you know, I'm a bit sort of
674
00:30:10.180 --> 00:30:13.460
hippie-ish and arty-farty to my family, but Carl has gone
675
00:30:14.079 --> 00:30:14.779
even beyond.
676
00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:15.420
I love the.
677
00:30:17.380 --> 00:30:20.680
I love that you are hippie-ish and arty-party to your family.
678
00:30:20.859 --> 00:30:22.480
That is absolutely amazing.
679
00:30:22.500 --> 00:30:25.460
That really paints a picture of your family in our.
680
00:30:27.599 --> 00:30:29.119
Mind. It's mental, isn't it?
681
00:30:29.160 --> 00:30:33.200
Here he bloody is, old Jim Morrison walking in.
682
00:30:33.960 --> 00:30:37.690
My dad, I drove my parents up to see my brother.
683
00:30:37.710 --> 00:30:40.130
This was just before lockdown and my brother lives in
684
00:30:40.190 --> 00:30:43.109
Nottingham and I took my parents and my aunt Ginny
685
00:30:43.650 --> 00:30:45.990
and my mum and her sat in the back just
686
00:30:46.460 --> 00:30:50.369
And talking incessantly, as old women do, where they just
687
00:30:50.420 --> 00:30:51.970
commentate on everything that happens.
688
00:30:52.569 --> 00:30:55.150
And they're all in their baby carrier, yeah? All in
689
00:30:55.329 --> 00:30:57.670
the front. No car, no pram.
690
00:30:57.910 --> 00:31:00.140
At one point, I overheard them. We went past one
691
00:31:00.160 --> 00:31:02.240
of them big wind turbines. And I just heard my
692
00:31:02.279 --> 00:31:04.000
mum go, Jesus, Ginny, look what the size of that.
693
00:31:04.339 --> 00:31:07.519
And then we went past another one. about three minutes
694
00:31:07.539 --> 00:31:09.000
later and she went I know I said it before
695
00:31:09.039 --> 00:31:10.339
but Jesus would you look at the size of it
696
00:31:10.900 --> 00:31:13.019
she just kept commentating on every wind turbine we went
697
00:31:13.099 --> 00:31:14.960
by and then my dad this is this is what
698
00:31:14.980 --> 00:31:16.329
my dad's like my dad got in the car when
699
00:31:16.349 --> 00:31:18.849
I picked them up and I was listening to meditation
700
00:31:18.869 --> 00:31:22.269
music it was just like and my dad sat down
701
00:31:22.309 --> 00:31:24.470
and just asked he goes are you listening to hoovering
702
00:31:24.910 --> 00:31:29.869
that's what I've got to deal with my whole life.
703
00:31:31.009 --> 00:31:33.849
Do you because you're very kind of relaxed as a
704
00:31:33.869 --> 00:31:39.420
person yes and parenting is arguably the least relaxing pursuit,
705
00:31:39.809 --> 00:31:43.549
you know, at times. Do you find when you're woken
706
00:31:43.589 --> 00:31:46.130
up at 2 a.m. or when you're struggling to do something,
707
00:31:46.930 --> 00:31:49.589
is it difficult to remain zen, for want of a
708
00:31:49.609 --> 00:31:50.170
better word?
709
00:31:51.109 --> 00:31:54.230
Not so far. I've been pretty good. I genuinely would
710
00:31:54.269 --> 00:31:56.670
say yesterday when she was having, she had probably the
711
00:31:56.769 --> 00:32:00.130
most neurotic day she's had since she was born. You know,
712
00:32:00.170 --> 00:32:02.049
I mean, and what I mean by that is when
713
00:32:02.069 --> 00:32:04.029
the first few weeks, I literally don't know what they're
714
00:32:04.069 --> 00:32:07.289
doing today. They're just a ball of noise and, they're
715
00:32:07.309 --> 00:32:09.269
so new to the world but so I think then
716
00:32:09.289 --> 00:32:11.890
you can it doesn't really matter if they're crying because
717
00:32:11.910 --> 00:32:14.519
you totally understand that they to them it must be
718
00:32:14.640 --> 00:32:16.980
terrifying to come out into the world but you know
719
00:32:17.059 --> 00:32:19.900
since she's become much more aware and fun and laughy
720
00:32:19.920 --> 00:32:23.279
and giggly like she's actually been really chilled out baby
721
00:32:23.440 --> 00:32:26.130
and then yesterday was the first time she was pretty
722
00:32:26.150 --> 00:32:31.069
much non-stop quite difficult all day and that's the closest
723
00:32:31.109 --> 00:32:34.349
I've got to like to not being able to just
724
00:32:35.210 --> 00:32:37.069
sort of contextualize it and go it's fine she's a
725
00:32:37.150 --> 00:32:39.109
baby you know i mean that's what i'm yeah i
726
00:32:39.150 --> 00:32:41.329
read i don't know if you did it but i
727
00:32:41.369 --> 00:32:44.250
read a lot of books while my wife was pregnant
728
00:32:44.609 --> 00:32:46.170
i thought i just you know i've got enough time
729
00:32:46.190 --> 00:32:48.839
i'll just do the reading during lockdown and you know
730
00:32:48.900 --> 00:32:50.720
just at the start of the year we were traveling
731
00:32:50.759 --> 00:32:52.220
we went over to australia and stuff so i had
732
00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:54.259
a lot of time to read and i read a
733
00:32:54.359 --> 00:32:58.180
lot of parenting books and child psychology books and i
734
00:32:58.200 --> 00:33:00.220
think i just got i really tried to drill into
735
00:33:00.259 --> 00:33:04.240
myself to never ever think that the baby is doing
736
00:33:04.279 --> 00:33:06.490
it to annoy you that's what i think a lot
737
00:33:06.529 --> 00:33:08.809
of parents get into that mind frame when a baby
738
00:33:08.849 --> 00:33:10.430
especially once they get to about four or five months
739
00:33:10.450 --> 00:33:13.190
when they become a bit more conscious people think they're
740
00:33:13.210 --> 00:33:15.730
trying to manipulate you or they're trying to do they
741
00:33:15.789 --> 00:33:18.089
know what they're doing they're really needling you and it's
742
00:33:18.170 --> 00:33:21.690
not true they're not they're not developed enough to understand
743
00:33:21.710 --> 00:33:25.079
that but at this point five months in i'm still
744
00:33:25.539 --> 00:33:28.940
whenever she's crying or in you know i always think
745
00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:31.180
of it i put myself in her position and go
746
00:33:31.200 --> 00:33:34.910
look she's just of course she's upset she's four and
747
00:33:34.930 --> 00:33:36.930
a half months old and there's just been a loud
748
00:33:37.029 --> 00:33:39.990
noise or whatever something obviously is causing this so I'm
749
00:33:40.369 --> 00:33:42.670
at the minute I'm being chilled about it.
750
00:33:42.970 --> 00:33:46.150
There's a still inside you the little oik from tooting
751
00:33:46.210 --> 00:33:48.470
Carl that surely at some point goes off for fuck's
752
00:33:48.509 --> 00:33:51.009
sake yeah a little bit never erupts.
753
00:33:50.650 --> 00:33:52.390
Well do you know what the thing that keeps annoying
754
00:33:52.410 --> 00:33:56.359
me is because I've coped with the tiredness really well
755
00:33:56.380 --> 00:33:59.259
so has my wife and considering she's breastfeeding still through
756
00:33:59.279 --> 00:34:02.099
the night like it's unbelievable how well she's dealt with
757
00:34:02.160 --> 00:34:06.410
it but I've realized I'm mentally relatively normal. I don't
758
00:34:06.490 --> 00:34:09.989
feel exhausted. But I think that's because I'm diverting all
759
00:34:10.030 --> 00:34:12.570
my energy to my brain, my body. I'm the clumsiest
760
00:34:12.590 --> 00:34:16.530
I've ever been. I knock everything over. And my wife
761
00:34:16.570 --> 00:34:19.019
just hears me throughout the day. Every half an hour,
762
00:34:19.139 --> 00:34:19.880
knock something over and go.
763
00:34:19.860 --> 00:34:21.500
Oh, shit. Like in the other room.
764
00:34:22.000 --> 00:34:24.780
Shit. That's all you can hear just around the house
765
00:34:24.800 --> 00:34:28.250
throughout the day. So, yeah, I definitely, I think I
766
00:34:28.269 --> 00:34:31.210
still get annoyed about that level of clumsiness. But in
767
00:34:31.250 --> 00:34:34.150
terms of the emotional side, yeah, I've somehow managed to
768
00:34:34.170 --> 00:34:36.130
maintain this sort of zen.
769
00:34:36.150 --> 00:34:38.929
And when are you planning on moving the baby out
770
00:34:38.949 --> 00:34:40.630
of the bedroom, like into their own room?
771
00:34:40.650 --> 00:34:41.570
Have you got a plan for that or are you
772
00:34:41.590 --> 00:34:42.489
just going to see how it goes?
773
00:34:42.550 --> 00:34:45.449
Yeah, we're just going to see how it goes. I think, yeah,
774
00:34:45.469 --> 00:34:48.650
we haven't actually bought a cot yet. So, which is
775
00:34:48.670 --> 00:34:50.289
quite five months in and we've not bought a cot.
776
00:34:50.969 --> 00:34:53.010
But we are looking at one. So we're going to
777
00:34:53.070 --> 00:34:54.929
get one of them probably when she's about six months
778
00:34:55.199 --> 00:34:58.340
and start, seeing if she wants to maybe have her
779
00:34:58.400 --> 00:35:01.650
own space and that's very much baby led.
780
00:35:01.429 --> 00:35:04.909
Yeah just have a quick discussion.
781
00:35:04.469 --> 00:35:06.789
With her if her first words are seriously can i
782
00:35:06.829 --> 00:35:11.809
not sleep somewhere else bloody annoying let me have.
783
00:35:11.840 --> 00:35:14.420
My own bed get off me stop breathing on me
784
00:35:14.440 --> 00:35:15.599
dad and why.
785
00:35:15.539 --> 00:35:18.420
Do you wear the cowboy hat to bed it's weird oh.
786
00:35:18.400 --> 00:35:21.090
Do you know what this is gross but um I
787
00:35:21.110 --> 00:35:23.210
think I've, in the last couple of weeks, I think
788
00:35:23.230 --> 00:35:26.829
I've developed sympathy nappy rash with my daughter.
789
00:35:26.849 --> 00:35:29.030
Oh my gosh. This is where the hippie stats come
790
00:35:29.090 --> 00:35:29.730
in now for this.
791
00:35:29.949 --> 00:35:33.760
Well, because I'm a naked, I've always been a naked sleeper, right?
792
00:35:33.800 --> 00:35:35.739
For like, well, not always, for the last decade, I've
793
00:35:35.780 --> 00:35:38.780
never slept in any layers whatsoever. I hate it.
794
00:35:38.940 --> 00:35:41.059
What was the turning point really? Because I've always been
795
00:35:41.079 --> 00:35:44.280
a naked sleeper, but it's only in the last 10 years.
796
00:35:44.320 --> 00:35:46.940
Was there a turning point? Just dick was too hot?
797
00:35:47.260 --> 00:35:48.840
Well, when she came along and she was in the bed,
798
00:35:48.880 --> 00:35:50.400
I felt a bit, I don't know, I felt a
799
00:35:50.420 --> 00:35:53.940
little bit grotty with just having my willy flapping around
800
00:35:54.000 --> 00:35:56.380
next to her. So I thought I've got to put
801
00:35:56.420 --> 00:35:56.750
a layer on.
802
00:35:56.760 --> 00:35:58.340
How far down is she sleeping?
803
00:36:00.800 --> 00:36:05.719
That's why they call him the wind turbine. Look at the.
804
00:36:04.760 --> 00:36:05.300
Size of that.
805
00:36:05.360 --> 00:36:08.139
As she grows, I don't want that to be like
806
00:36:08.260 --> 00:36:11.050
the barometer. The day she got up, her foot just
807
00:36:11.239 --> 00:36:12.340
touches my knob.
808
00:36:12.429 --> 00:36:13.199
I don't want that.
809
00:36:13.219 --> 00:36:13.929
It's disgusting.
810
00:36:14.389 --> 00:36:16.760
So I just, I thought... do you know what out
811
00:36:16.800 --> 00:36:18.699
of you know just out of some level of and
812
00:36:18.719 --> 00:36:20.000
also because you're up and about a lot in the
813
00:36:20.039 --> 00:36:21.800
night yeah i thought it's good to at least have
814
00:36:21.840 --> 00:36:23.679
a layer on in the night time if you you
815
00:36:23.699 --> 00:36:25.900
know go into your walking around the house and stuff
816
00:36:25.920 --> 00:36:28.860
so i i started wearing a layer basically a box
817
00:36:28.920 --> 00:36:31.280
of shorts in bed and because i haven't worn it
818
00:36:31.320 --> 00:36:33.440
for so many years i've basically got nappy rash because
819
00:36:33.480 --> 00:36:36.260
it's too warm and my bits and pieces are used
820
00:36:36.280 --> 00:36:36.820
to having.
821
00:36:36.940 --> 00:36:38.920
Air oh wow so you're having to put on the
822
00:36:38.960 --> 00:36:41.510
same stuff as her are you both lying there and
823
00:36:41.530 --> 00:36:43.690
putting on your Your poor wife.
824
00:36:44.050 --> 00:36:47.289
I've got a poor wife. Legs up. Let's go. Both
825
00:36:47.309 --> 00:36:47.550
of you.
826
00:36:50.829 --> 00:36:54.530
So obviously you have kids and your focus changes, right?
827
00:36:54.909 --> 00:36:57.010
You know, when you used to look at Google images
828
00:36:57.130 --> 00:37:00.210
of like fit actresses or like an actor that you
829
00:37:00.289 --> 00:37:02.090
rated or a comedian or whatever, and you'd always see
830
00:37:02.130 --> 00:37:06.480
that Google image result of them at the premiere of
831
00:37:06.519 --> 00:37:08.159
some kids movie with their kids.
832
00:37:08.260 --> 00:37:10.699
And you think, well, actually that's pretty cool, isn't it?
833
00:37:10.719 --> 00:37:11.460
Like one day, like.
834
00:37:12.119 --> 00:37:13.940
But you can't imagine you doing it. And then when
835
00:37:13.960 --> 00:37:17.690
you have kids, you start thinking about, you stop thinking
836
00:37:17.710 --> 00:37:20.070
about adult content all the time. You realize everything you
837
00:37:20.090 --> 00:37:22.170
do has adult content. And you think, well, it'd be
838
00:37:22.230 --> 00:37:26.489
quite cool to have something that my kids could enjoy. So,
839
00:37:27.369 --> 00:37:30.070
you know, obviously they were little, they'd watch the CBeebies
840
00:37:30.110 --> 00:37:33.460
bedtime stories. And I thought, I know people at CBBC.
841
00:37:34.099 --> 00:37:35.679
I don't know anyone at CBeebies, but it can't be
842
00:37:35.719 --> 00:37:37.519
that much of a leap. I must be able to
843
00:37:37.559 --> 00:37:42.460
stick my nose in there. I started making calls. And
844
00:37:42.860 --> 00:37:46.769
I got in touch with the commissioner at CBeebies. And
845
00:37:46.809 --> 00:37:49.949
she was like, join the fucking queue, mate. Judi Dench
846
00:37:49.989 --> 00:37:54.510
is waiting to do this. I thought they'd just snap
847
00:37:54.530 --> 00:37:55.030
my hand off.
848
00:37:55.050 --> 00:37:56.610
I thought they'd just be like, oh, my God.
849
00:37:56.650 --> 00:37:58.349
Yeah, brilliant. Get in there.
850
00:37:58.389 --> 00:38:01.369
Do something for the kids. So I actually waited years
851
00:38:01.769 --> 00:38:04.590
to get on the CBeebies. And by the time I
852
00:38:04.610 --> 00:38:06.320
got on it, my kids are too old to care.
853
00:38:06.340 --> 00:38:07.480
They didn't watch CBeebies anymore.
854
00:38:09.559 --> 00:38:10.440
It was kind of fruitless.
855
00:38:10.480 --> 00:38:12.820
But the other story to it was that I thought
856
00:38:12.840 --> 00:38:15.119
they shot it in London, but they shot it in Manchester.
857
00:38:15.159 --> 00:38:19.719
I think Children's TV had moved up there. And, you know,
858
00:38:19.920 --> 00:38:22.449
Manchester for me was always like, if I'm going to Manchester,
859
00:38:22.469 --> 00:38:24.070
because I've got two of my best friends live up there,
860
00:38:24.510 --> 00:38:26.289
it's always a reunion.
861
00:38:26.389 --> 00:38:26.889
You get on it.
862
00:38:27.030 --> 00:38:28.909
You know those guys that you know where it's like,
863
00:38:29.010 --> 00:38:31.030
if you meet them, you're getting on it. So I
864
00:38:31.050 --> 00:38:33.269
meet up with my friends, Si and Matt, and obviously
865
00:38:33.510 --> 00:38:36.170
we get on it. But I ended up having an all-nighter.
866
00:38:36.489 --> 00:38:39.050
And I hadn't looked at the call sheet. So I
867
00:38:39.050 --> 00:38:41.429
was just thinking, oh, it'll be afternoon or whatever. You
868
00:38:41.469 --> 00:38:44.199
know when your phone rings in the hotel? Not your mobile,
869
00:38:44.619 --> 00:38:47.840
the hotel room phone. You know there's a problem if
870
00:38:47.860 --> 00:38:49.380
your hotel phone.
871
00:38:50.460 --> 00:38:50.780
Rings.
872
00:38:51.519 --> 00:38:54.050
And it was like the third time. And the reception
873
00:38:54.090 --> 00:38:57.570
was like, there's a driver waiting here for you downstairs.
874
00:38:57.590 --> 00:38:59.829
You've got to come down. It was like frantic. I
875
00:38:59.849 --> 00:39:02.869
was like, oh, my God. I was fully clothed, just
876
00:39:02.949 --> 00:39:06.630
passed out on my bed. and i just got up
877
00:39:06.989 --> 00:39:09.750
fully clothed and just went downstairs got in the car
878
00:39:10.329 --> 00:39:13.260
and within like because it was the holiday in media
879
00:39:13.280 --> 00:39:16.360
city so it was like two minutes away so within
880
00:39:16.480 --> 00:39:19.400
within five minutes i was sat in a room with
881
00:39:19.639 --> 00:39:22.760
um kerry and this other dude alex who were like
882
00:39:22.760 --> 00:39:25.219
the people that babysat my kids while i was doing
883
00:39:25.219 --> 00:39:26.460
comedy in those early years.
884
00:39:26.500 --> 00:39:29.239
So I was just tripping out. I hadn't slept with
885
00:39:29.280 --> 00:39:30.300
the CBeebies guys.
886
00:39:30.320 --> 00:39:35.000
And they're just caking makeup on my face. I like
887
00:39:35.079 --> 00:39:37.619
smelling salts, trying to make my eyes look less hard shot.
888
00:39:37.639 --> 00:39:39.789
You must have stank as well, mate.
889
00:39:39.889 --> 00:39:40.110
Oh, mate.
890
00:39:41.050 --> 00:39:45.210
I was just so not how I planned to prepare.
891
00:39:45.980 --> 00:39:48.659
My voice was going. Did they know you'd been out?
892
00:39:48.760 --> 00:39:51.000
I think I probably told someone, probably told the makeup
893
00:39:51.039 --> 00:39:53.980
assistant or something. But, oh, mate, I was a mess.
894
00:39:54.039 --> 00:39:55.619
And I was just really annoyed.
895
00:39:55.739 --> 00:39:58.340
But then, you know, people would hit me up online
896
00:39:58.380 --> 00:40:00.659
and say, oh, my kids love this telling or they
897
00:40:00.699 --> 00:40:01.760
love that telling of the book.
898
00:40:01.780 --> 00:40:02.829
So I think I got away with it.
899
00:40:02.849 --> 00:40:05.130
The most emotional they've ever seen because you were crying throughout,
900
00:40:05.170 --> 00:40:08.989
weren't you? No one's ever seen someone deliver it looking
901
00:40:09.010 --> 00:40:09.530
so despairing.
902
00:40:09.989 --> 00:40:14.139
I felt awful. Eating the kebab was a bit much. Oh,
903
00:40:14.199 --> 00:40:15.719
I can't wait to watch that now, knowing.
904
00:40:15.800 --> 00:40:17.449
Yeah, knowing, knowing, behind the curtain.
905
00:40:18.849 --> 00:40:21.250
That's it for this special Best Of episode. We'll be
906
00:40:21.269 --> 00:40:21.949
back next week.
907
00:40:26.010 --> 00:40:28.050
If you are not in the queue and you are waiting,
908
00:40:28.070 --> 00:40:29.710
then step to the side.
909
00:40:29.730 --> 00:40:31.269
He got in touch and said, yeah, sorry, mate, you
910
00:40:31.289 --> 00:40:32.710
didn't seem like yourself the other day.
911
00:40:32.730 --> 00:40:36.030
You've only met me three times. The self-service checkout. I
912
00:40:36.070 --> 00:40:38.789
don't care what you're called. I'm not getting tricked into
913
00:40:38.849 --> 00:40:42.550
working here. People at festivals in those stupid jester hats.
914
00:40:42.590 --> 00:40:45.219
But do you know what a snake's penis looks like?
915
00:40:45.219 --> 00:40:45.380
£ 2.
916
00:40:45.219 --> 00:40:48.940
69 for a bottle of water. Why is your Wi-Fi code.
917
00:40:48.019 --> 00:40:48.619
10 characters long?
918
00:40:48.679 --> 00:40:50.860
People who do their shoes off. I don't care if
919
00:40:50.880 --> 00:40:53.800
you're watching. Boots, cut, jeans.
920
00:40:54.119 --> 00:40:55.119
What's upset you now?
921
00:40:55.500 --> 00:40:57.880
Hello, I'm Paul McCaffrey. And I'm Sean Wall. And we
922
00:40:57.920 --> 00:41:00.639
are the hosts of the hit podcast, What's Upset You Now?
923
00:41:00.780 --> 00:41:04.030
Each episode is only 15 minutes long.
924
00:41:04.050 --> 00:41:06.909
That is perfect for your commute. Absolutely perfect.
925
00:41:07.030 --> 00:41:08.940
What, a little 15-minute bus drive to work?
926
00:41:09.159 --> 00:41:11.139
Stick an episode of What's Upset You Now on. What's
927
00:41:11.199 --> 00:41:11.980
it all about, Sean?
928
00:41:12.019 --> 00:41:15.460
Well, me and Paul and a big-name comedy guest... such
929
00:41:15.539 --> 00:41:18.360
as Tom Allen or Rob Beckett or Josh Widdicombe... will
930
00:41:18.440 --> 00:41:21.590
rant about what has got our goat that week... for
931
00:41:21.750 --> 00:41:23.170
only 15 minutes.
932
00:41:23.369 --> 00:41:25.969
All those little things. Like, for example, do you know
933
00:41:26.090 --> 00:41:29.989
Gatwick Airport... are now charging you £ 5 to get dropped
934
00:41:30.030 --> 00:41:31.949
off at their door? And now the sun's back out.
935
00:41:32.309 --> 00:41:35.010
and people are off doing yoga in the park again.
936
00:41:35.449 --> 00:41:39.300
New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday... What's Upset You Now
937
00:41:39.380 --> 00:41:43.380
with me, Paul McCaffrey, and me, Sean Walsh. Hello, Tom
938
00:41:43.400 --> 00:41:45.260
Allen here. And Susie Ruffell.
939
00:41:45.539 --> 00:41:48.519
We have a podcast called Like-Minded Friends. It's very much
940
00:41:48.559 --> 00:41:50.860
a celebration of, I don't know, what would you say, Suze,
941
00:41:50.880 --> 00:41:51.480
being queer?
942
00:41:51.679 --> 00:41:52.800
Being queer, but also chit-chat.
943
00:41:52.820 --> 00:41:54.619
There's loads of straight people that love it, so I
944
00:41:54.639 --> 00:41:55.900
think that you should come along and listen to it.
945
00:41:56.059 --> 00:41:58.699
There's something for everybody. It's been described as white noise
946
00:41:58.719 --> 00:42:01.300
for gays, but also we had a lovely section about
947
00:42:01.340 --> 00:42:02.059
Glade Plugins.
948
00:42:03.800 --> 00:42:06.119
So why don't you listen to it? Search Like-Minded Friends
949
00:42:06.159 --> 00:42:07.260
wherever you get your podcasts.
950
00:42:07.880 --> 00:42:09.130
That sounded quite professional, didn't it?
951
00:42:09.409 --> 00:42:09.480
Mmm.