75 - How to Stop Nagging Your Kids (And Get Better Results)

WEBVTT
00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:09.919
Welcome to Parenting Decoded, a podcast for practical approaches to parenting.
00:00:10.080 --> 00:00:11.519
I'm Mary Eshin.
00:00:12.080 --> 00:00:15.839
Today we're tackling something every parent struggles with.
00:00:16.160 --> 00:00:16.960
Nagging.
00:00:17.199 --> 00:00:18.160
Clean your room.
00:00:18.399 --> 00:00:19.600
Did you do your homework?
00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:20.879
Brush your teeth.
00:00:21.039 --> 00:00:24.079
And then five minutes later, you're saying it all again.
00:00:24.320 --> 00:00:27.600
Here's the thing: nagging doesn't work.
00:00:27.839 --> 00:00:36.799
We all know it, yet we keep doing it, but there are better ways to get things done that actually work and don't leave everyone exhausted and resentful.
00:00:37.039 --> 00:00:38.479
Let's dive in.
00:00:39.119 --> 00:00:40.880
Why does nagging fail?
00:00:41.039 --> 00:00:42.079
Is the first question.
00:00:42.240 --> 00:00:45.759
When we nag, we become our children's external brain.
00:00:46.000 --> 00:00:48.880
We take responsibility for their tasks.
00:00:49.200 --> 00:00:54.640
And kids learn they don't have to remember anything because mom or dad will remind them.
00:00:54.880 --> 00:00:57.759
Nagging also damages relationships.
00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:00.000
Nobody likes being nagged.
00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:04.640
It breeds resentment on both sides and teaches learned helplessness.
00:01:04.879 --> 00:01:09.920
Kids never develop their own internal motivation or executive function skills.
00:01:10.159 --> 00:01:16.319
We're trying to be loving and helpful, but nagging winds up being none of those things.
00:01:16.719 --> 00:01:20.400
Here's a list of strategies that I want you to consider.
00:01:20.719 --> 00:01:24.079
The first strategy is using natural consequences.
00:01:24.319 --> 00:01:30.400
One of your most powerful tools is allowing natural consequences to do the teaching.
00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:32.959
Forgot their lunch, they get hungry.
00:01:33.200 --> 00:01:34.959
Didn't put their clothes in the hamper?
00:01:35.519 --> 00:01:37.040
No clean clothes.
00:01:37.359 --> 00:01:38.719
Didn't do their homework?
00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:42.239
They face consequences at school, not at home.
00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:43.599
I know this is hard.
00:01:43.760 --> 00:01:51.680
You want to rescue them, you're trying to be loving, but would you rather they learn now when the stakes are low and they are young?
00:01:51.920 --> 00:02:00.959
Or later as adults when consequences are serious, like not paying their bills or showing up for work late because they can't set an alarm clock.
00:02:01.200 --> 00:02:08.240
Use judgment for safety issues, but for most daily responsibilities, stepping back is incredibly effective.
00:02:08.560 --> 00:02:09.919
Strategy 2.
00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:11.280
Say it once.
00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:13.039
This is a game changer.
00:02:13.199 --> 00:02:14.879
Say it once, then stop.
00:02:15.439 --> 00:02:18.080
Dinner is in 10 minutes, please set the table.
00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:18.800
That's it.
00:02:18.960 --> 00:02:22.400
No repeating, no reminding, no following them around.
00:02:22.639 --> 00:02:31.919
If you say something more than once, it means you're telling them that you don't mean it, that you'll handle the reminders instead of them learning to remind themselves.
00:02:32.159 --> 00:02:37.520
If you say something once, then do it yourself, you've also taught them to ignore you.
00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:40.240
What happens when they don't do it?
00:02:40.479 --> 00:02:42.000
The consequence kicks in.
00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:44.800
Yes, you do have to figure out the consequences.
00:02:45.039 --> 00:02:58.719
They miss eating with the family, or they sit there while the food gets cold and they set it then, or maybe mom is only available to take kids to the mall to shop who've set the table as they were asked.
00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:02.479
The key is following through consistently.
00:03:02.879 --> 00:03:05.919
Strategy three, create routines.
00:03:06.159 --> 00:03:11.120
Instead of nagging about the same things daily, build them into predictable routines.
00:03:11.360 --> 00:03:17.520
Morning routine, wake up, make bed, get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, pack backpack.
00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:20.879
Visual charts work wonders for younger kids.
00:03:21.120 --> 00:03:23.919
Create a checklist they can follow independently.
00:03:24.159 --> 00:03:28.240
For older kids, have weekly check-ins to review what needs to happen.
00:03:28.479 --> 00:03:31.199
Then it's on them to manage it.
00:03:31.599 --> 00:03:32.879
Strategy 4.
00:03:33.199 --> 00:03:34.879
Problem solve together.
00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:38.080
This is totally my favorite strategy.
00:03:38.240 --> 00:03:42.560
Instead of telling kids what to do, involve them in finding solutions.
00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:45.039
Getting ready for school has been really stressful.
00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:47.840
What ideas do you have for making it smoother?
00:03:48.159 --> 00:03:52.719
Kids are much more likely to follow through on solutions they've helped create.
00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:54.319
Make it collaborative.
00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:58.560
How can we work together so I don't have to remind you about your homework?
00:03:58.800 --> 00:04:06.319
Keep in mind that problem solving is a process and it might take several attempts to get a workable solution that sticks.
00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:11.360
Keep at it, model for your kids that problems take time to solve.
00:04:11.759 --> 00:04:14.879
Strategy five, transfer ownership.
00:04:15.120 --> 00:04:21.920
Have a conversation where you say explicitly, from now on, your homework is your responsibility.
00:04:22.160 --> 00:04:23.680
I'm not going to remind you.
00:04:23.920 --> 00:04:28.399
If you need help, ask me, but managing it is up to you.
00:04:28.639 --> 00:04:29.920
Then stick to it.
00:04:30.079 --> 00:04:34.160
When they forget, resist the urge to rescue and nag.
00:04:34.480 --> 00:04:39.519
When they face consequences, show empathy, but don't bail them out.
00:04:39.759 --> 00:04:41.439
That must have been hard.
00:04:41.680 --> 00:04:43.839
What will you do differently tomorrow?
00:04:44.079 --> 00:04:46.079
Yes, they might fail a few times.
00:04:46.240 --> 00:04:48.079
That's okay, that's learning.
00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:55.680
Always, always feel free to back up to strategy four and start problem solving again with them.
00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:03.279
The bottom line: when we stop nagging, we're raising capable, responsible kids.
00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:07.680
We're teaching them to manage their own lives and face consequences.
00:05:07.920 --> 00:05:19.600
Yes, it's harder in the short term, but we're not raising children, we're raising future adults, and future adults need to know how to function without someone following them around.
00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:26.480
Start with one strategy, pick the area where your nagging is worst, and try to find a new approach.
00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:29.759
Give it at least two weeks before deciding if it's working.
00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:36.240
You're not being lazy when you stop nagging, you're being intentional about raising responsible, independent kids.
00:05:36.480 --> 00:05:37.439
You've got this.
00:05:37.600 --> 00:05:41.040
If you need help, please reach out to me via email.
00:05:41.279 --> 00:05:42.399
Thanks for listening.
00:05:42.560 --> 00:05:45.199
Have a blessed rest of your day.