Three Life Lessons: The Three Things We Wish We Knew in Our 20s | Ft Ashley Negron

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Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
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Josh Negron, and this show's all about sharing
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lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
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thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
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to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
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All right, and I am joined again by my lovely
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better half, Miss Ashley. Welcome again to the
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show. Yeah, we had so much fun. We decided to
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do it again. Yeah, why not? So for today's episode,
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we decided that we would address some of the
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things that we wish someone would have told us
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in our early days, like what would have made
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life easier, marriage easier, and navigating
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really a lot of things. Much easier. And so we
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had come up with three things that have been
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really impactful for us, and we'll just unpack
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those across this episode. And so hopefully they
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are useful to you as they were to us. And if
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you are in your 20s, that's awesome. You might
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get a head start. The first one that we'd like
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to unpack is we've mentioned it before on the
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show is assuming positive intent. And this is
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a, I'll give credit to Jonathan Dawson, a dear
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friend of ours, that mentor that has taught us
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this years ago. And it basically states that
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you are assuming that someone else has positive
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intent. Definitely not negative intent when they
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do something that grinds against you that you
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don't fully understand. How is this concept?
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helped you miss ashley yeah so i think for me
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um you know in my college years and then into
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my early professional career it was very easy
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to just assume the negative i'm a more glass
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half empty kind of person by nature and so it
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can be so easy to just assume the worst possible
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option um to always look at the bad side And
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realizing like how heavy that that actually is
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to carry and how exhausting and frustrating that
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it is all the time. It just, it means then that
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you're living life in this constant state of
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frustration and like the world is out to get
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you. And I would say that that was definitely
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probably our mindset. in that way. And by assuming
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positive intent, it allows you the ability to
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not just jump to conclusions, first of all, and
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then to ask questions. I've learned this really,
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you know, you and I in our marriage, but also
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in a professional relationship have really seen
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this come to fruition, which is kind of where
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we learned this concept too, was through this
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training and mentorship that we had with Dawson.
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And it's to ask questions. and say, hey, what
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can you tell me about X, Y, and Z? Hey, what
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were you thinking when you said this? Hey, what
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did you mean by this, right? Instead of just
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jumping to that conclusion, you allow for the
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person to actually explain what they mean and
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then to find a path forward together and to explain
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like, oh, well, actually, I thought that you
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were going to mean or that you meant whatever.
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And it just takes away that muddy gray assuming.
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And you know what they say about assumptions.
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And so it definitely just really helps. helps
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in communication and in actually being able to
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understand what the other person is meaning and
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where they were headed. Or maybe it came out
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completely not the way that they intended or
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didn't realize that you perceived it that way.
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Or there's a million and seven possibilities
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other than the fact that that person was intentionally
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out to hurt you. Yeah, for sure. And this obviously
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applies in some of our closest relationships.
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Like you said, both personal and professional.
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And something I want to highlight really quick
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is that it is impossible to know what somebody's
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thinking, right? It is impossible to know certainly
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what their intent is. And a lot of times we forget
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that because we know what they're saying. We
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know what they're... actions are but we don't
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always know the underlying thought pattern behind
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that so because of that it's easy to we kind
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of have the way i've heard it described before
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is we judge ourselves through our intentions
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and others through their actions like we we have
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it's like a cheat code for us we know what we
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mean But we don't fully know what they mean.
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And that's a disadvantage in trying to judge
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others and what they're doing. And unfortunately,
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the only way to know for sure is, like you said,
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we have to say something. We have to ask questions,
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which can, especially in the moment where they
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offended you or triggered you or maybe rubbed
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up against a wound or some trauma from the past,
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even their own past behaviors, then you have,
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you're, you know. that challenge, right. Of,
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of, of bringing it up in a, as calm way as you
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possibly can to ask those questions. How, how
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do you, how have you practiced that in, in the
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heat of moments? I mean, maybe when something
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rises up, how do you, how do you handle that?
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That's a good way. Yeah. You know, I think it's
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just, it's repetition, right? Like you have to
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actually start putting in the work and you have
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to stop and remember. that that's what you're
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trying to do. You have to make a conscious decision
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to not just jump to a conclusion. And it's so,
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so easy. I think just human nature, but also
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like you said, we project what we're thinking
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and feeling onto other people rather than, yeah,
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we just, it's so easy to do that, right? And
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so I think you have to just be conscious, stop,
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and then just put in the reps. It's like any
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other muscle. You have to work it and use it
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in order to build it and make it stronger. That's
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so true. Yeah. And you're right. That boils down
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to the concept of we don't know their mind. And
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the only way to, and it's fitting, right, that
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communication's required to clarify and do those
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things. And my favorite question that Dawson
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taught and you kind of hinted at it and we've
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talked about it before on the show, cause it's
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so powerful is the, when you said or did X insert,
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whatever that is here, it made me feel this way.
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So you get to, you get to say, you know, kind
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of, kind of how you're feeling in the, in that,
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in that regard. And then is that what you wanted
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me to feel? Right. And so that question, when
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he introduced that, it was, it's, it's brilliant
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because If you use the feeling language already,
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you're creating that space to try to help them
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not get immediately defensive, right? You're
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like, I feel this way. And they're like, they
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can say, well, I'm sorry you feel that way. So
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they get to kind of remove that. But then also
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by telling them what they're, you know, re -highlighting
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what they did or said, and then how it reflected
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back on you. creates this kind of cause and effect
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where they understand that was a consequence
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of something I said or did. And then you get
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to give them an out and an opportunity to explain,
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which most often is not something that they did
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on purpose or did with that intent. Right. So
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you get to ask that question in a way where it
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isn't accusatory, where you're getting around
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the defenses. And they get to go, no, not at
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all. This is how I meant, this is what I did.
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And it can be a super powerful thing. Again,
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take some practice in the heat of the moment
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to do, like you said. But the more you do it,
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I would say, like a lot of the things we talk
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about on this show, the optimization and the
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habit stacking, the more you do it, the more
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you get in the habit of making that pause, understanding
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most people that you care about aren't out to
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get you. And so... with that foundational understanding
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over time, you're going to be able to ask these
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questions from my experience a lot better, a
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lot easier. And sometimes you don't even have
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to have that conversation anymore because like
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we talked about last time, you can funnel those
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things through who you know them to be, who you
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know their character to be, and then you can
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have that internal dialogue, not stuffing it
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away, but actually processing it and going, you
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know what, this isn't even worth talking about
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because it... this is all in my head, right?
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So on that very note, the second thing is, these
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are all closely related and I think they're meshed
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together on purpose. The second one is controlling
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your emotions, which I think can spike a lot
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of feelings in a lot of people if they hear that
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in a certain way. Credit for this one goes to
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another one of our mentors, Danelle Delgado,
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an amazing person and friend. What comes to mind
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when you hear this and how have you experienced
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it from your perspective? Yeah, so I think that
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this is going to sound crazy and very countercultural
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in that men and women have to control their emotions
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in two very distinct different ways, right? As
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a female, if a female loses... control, specifically
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in a professional kind of a setting. She can
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be seen as dramatic or too much or over the top
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or too emotional, X, Y, Z, whatever. I am a red
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on the color code, which means, you know, very
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much like to be in control. I like to be in charge.
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I crave. and thrive in power situations. I'm
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an eight on the Enneagram. I'll take your pick
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of those things. I am all of those things. But
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as a female, what that means is that my initial
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emotion is anger. There is usually some kind
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of anger, frustration, kind of. boiling right
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under the surface is my natural state, right?
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And so as a female, and then even more so as
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a female who works in a male -dominant management
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team, I have to control my emotions very differently.
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In order to not cause them to lose respect for
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me or to not know how to handle that, what to
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do with that, there are very few people on this
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planet who get to see the raw, real, emotional
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Ashley. And you have to control it differently.
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That might mean that you are keeping as steady
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and calm and cool and collected as you can in
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that moment. And then the minute that you're
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out the room or you're in your office or you're
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in your car or you've closed the door to a different
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room, that doesn't mean that you don't have all
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of those emotions. But in front of Though in
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the middle, in the heat of those situations,
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you have to maintain control. Or unfortunately,
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a byproduct can be that the respect starts to
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slip for you. And then the next time it's like,
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oh, well, she's just, she's, she's a lie. Or
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my opinion starts to lose its... It's punchiness,
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if you will. I'm not really sure the right phrase,
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but it can lose its influence. Yeah, thank you.
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It can lose its influence because it's it's she's
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too much. She's too reactive. She's too whatever.
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So. On the other side of having practiced this
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for several years, how is this, how have you
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seen it benefit you? Obviously, you've talked
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about the consequence of potentially not doing
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this. How have you seen it work in your favor?
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Yeah, one specific instance comes to mind, and
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it's been a little while ago that this happened,
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but one of my employees and a salesperson kind
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of got into it on the short room floor and shouldn't
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have, and it became a little bit of an ordeal,
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so much so that I knew. our next manager meeting
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that I needed to bring that specific situation
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up in order to say, hey, I heard about it. I
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handled it. I've resolved it. We've had a coaching
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and training moment. Here's what we did to fix
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it. Here's where we're headed forward. Here's
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the next kind of steps. And knowing that I couldn't
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just sweep it under the rug. And as we're getting
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into this conversation, and I bring this up,
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the room is becoming more and more heated because
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We're a team of people that genuinely, passionately
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care about our people and are standing up for
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our people and are wanting the best thing for
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our people and for the dealership, right? And
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so, you know, in this instance, the room is getting
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heated. And this particular time, I was able
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to maintain calm, even voice, ask some questions,
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reflect back, just stayed the most calm in the
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middle of something like that, that I've ever
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been able to do. And, and we were resolved everything,
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everything was great. And then, you know, a couple
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of days later, one of the managers came back
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to me and just said, Hey, I'm, I'm really sorry
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for getting so upset. I shouldn't have handled
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it that way. You know, I, I appreciate the way
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that you stayed calm and how you did all of that.
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And honestly, like that was kind of a turning
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point for, for that, that working relationship
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with that other manager. And so. You know, on
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the flip side of that, the upside was that I
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had some days to distance myself from the heat
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of the moment and to really have like thought
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through and have my control of my emotions and
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to say, no, I've got this. And not get overly
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defensive and not clap back and not all of the
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things that I normally would have done or just
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melted. Because I don't think of quippy things
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in the middle of, in the heat of the battle,
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right? In the heat of the moment. I think great
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things later. Oh, yeah. After the fact, right?
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After the fact. Yep. What is it I told you the
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other day? Like, man, I should have said this
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and this and this, right? But because I had had
00:14:14.860 --> 00:14:16.860
a couple of days to think and process it through,
00:14:17.019 --> 00:14:21.330
that actually was to my advantage, right? I could
00:14:21.330 --> 00:14:23.230
distance myself a little bit from that. So I
00:14:23.230 --> 00:14:25.470
think there's also something to that as well
00:14:25.470 --> 00:14:27.870
in controlling your emotions is there's nothing
00:14:27.870 --> 00:14:30.950
wrong with saying, hey, I would like to discuss
00:14:30.950 --> 00:14:33.669
this the next time that we're together. And it
00:14:33.669 --> 00:14:36.070
gives you some time to step away and get some
00:14:36.070 --> 00:14:38.250
moments of clarity and then come back to the
00:14:38.250 --> 00:14:41.330
table and actually genuinely be in control of
00:14:41.330 --> 00:14:44.370
your emotions, not like fake be in control of
00:14:44.370 --> 00:14:47.049
them, but genuinely have good control of them.
00:14:48.560 --> 00:14:51.740
No, I totally agree. I'm glad you spoke to that
00:14:51.740 --> 00:14:54.700
side because obviously in your experience, that
00:14:54.700 --> 00:14:56.840
gives a little more clarity. And I don't know
00:14:56.840 --> 00:14:59.759
if I could have said those things as a guy. So
00:14:59.759 --> 00:15:02.000
let me do the same. Let me speak to the guys
00:15:02.000 --> 00:15:05.919
here. You and I have this thing where we laugh
00:15:05.919 --> 00:15:10.990
about moments in movies. where the male character
00:15:10.990 --> 00:15:14.210
gets really frustrated and then ends up destroying
00:15:14.210 --> 00:15:17.230
inanimate objects is usually the object of the
00:15:17.230 --> 00:15:21.450
hilariousness. One funny scene in the new Star
00:15:21.450 --> 00:15:24.409
Wars trilogy, you know, Kylo Ren's got the lightsaber.
00:15:24.450 --> 00:15:26.309
He gets really frustrated and he ends up like
00:15:26.309 --> 00:15:29.509
slicing up the entire room in a rage. And the
00:15:29.509 --> 00:15:33.389
two stormtroopers are kind of like, geez, right?
00:15:33.570 --> 00:15:36.230
And so, I mean, it was made to be, you know,
00:15:36.230 --> 00:15:39.240
silly, right? And even sometimes when we're not
00:15:39.240 --> 00:15:42.279
in those moments, obviously you make comments
00:15:42.279 --> 00:15:44.960
after the fact, like, yeah, that's sometimes
00:15:44.960 --> 00:15:46.919
how that feels. Those moments are just kind of
00:15:46.919 --> 00:15:48.940
hilarious. Like, how does that help? Do you feel
00:15:48.940 --> 00:15:51.159
better now? Yeah. Do you feel better? Yeah, yeah.
00:15:51.220 --> 00:15:53.960
How does that help the present situation, right?
00:15:54.120 --> 00:15:57.580
And so I think that's where it occurs to me something
00:15:57.580 --> 00:16:00.120
like the concept of meekness, right? Where it's
00:16:00.120 --> 00:16:03.500
like power restrained or chaos under control,
00:16:03.620 --> 00:16:06.820
or maybe even what Jordan Peterson would describe.
00:16:06.830 --> 00:16:11.409
like a monster under control, right? He has a
00:16:11.409 --> 00:16:13.330
lot that he says, and we don't have enough time
00:16:13.330 --> 00:16:16.269
to unpack it here, but just that there is an
00:16:16.269 --> 00:16:19.690
attractive quality of a man that is not weak
00:16:19.690 --> 00:16:24.730
and capable of good and terrible things, that
00:16:24.730 --> 00:16:28.139
a formidable man that is strong. terrifying,
00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:31.019
but also good. And also, I mean, so many images
00:16:31.019 --> 00:16:34.399
here, but it makes me think of the scene in the
00:16:34.399 --> 00:16:37.419
Chronicles of Narnia where they find out about
00:16:37.419 --> 00:16:39.759
the character of Aslan and they're like, a lion?
00:16:39.919 --> 00:16:42.139
Like, that doesn't sound very safe. Is he safe?
00:16:42.279 --> 00:16:44.059
And I do believe it's the beaver character that
00:16:44.059 --> 00:16:48.259
says safe. No, but he's good, right? And so there's
00:16:48.259 --> 00:16:51.700
that concept there of that tension. And so when
00:16:51.700 --> 00:16:55.700
those things are under control, obviously...
00:16:56.009 --> 00:16:59.690
often fueled by emotions, that's something that
00:16:59.690 --> 00:17:03.610
builds trust and attractiveness in a male particularly,
00:17:03.870 --> 00:17:07.470
builds trust in relationships, and is something
00:17:07.470 --> 00:17:10.329
that can also build what I would say respect
00:17:10.329 --> 00:17:14.309
even, right? And like you said earlier, there
00:17:14.309 --> 00:17:20.230
are people that you can be, I wouldn't say genuine
00:17:20.230 --> 00:17:23.680
with or transparent with because that makes it
00:17:23.680 --> 00:17:26.900
sound like you're suppressing or not being transparent
00:17:26.900 --> 00:17:28.779
and not being your true self. So I wouldn't say
00:17:28.779 --> 00:17:30.960
that. And I think that's how some people kind
00:17:30.960 --> 00:17:34.460
of feel that it is. I will say there's... There
00:17:34.460 --> 00:17:37.759
should be a short list, a few amount of people,
00:17:37.799 --> 00:17:41.740
like you said, that get to see the raw, unprocessed
00:17:41.740 --> 00:17:45.579
emotions. Because if not shared with the right
00:17:45.579 --> 00:17:48.940
people can inhibit you from getting past those
00:17:48.940 --> 00:17:52.119
emotions, right? From processing them appropriately,
00:17:52.480 --> 00:17:55.079
instead they might fuel them in a wrong way,
00:17:55.140 --> 00:17:57.880
right? We've talked about that before. So by
00:17:57.880 --> 00:18:01.480
having those select people in your life, you
00:18:01.480 --> 00:18:04.569
kind of know the drill, right? They know to let
00:18:04.569 --> 00:18:08.950
you express what you're feeling. And then there's
00:18:08.950 --> 00:18:11.890
that balance of listening, but then also at some
00:18:11.890 --> 00:18:15.130
point, maybe reframing, maybe challenging your
00:18:15.130 --> 00:18:17.289
thinking, getting you out of that emotional state
00:18:17.289 --> 00:18:19.910
into the thinking state. Now, you said that you
00:18:19.910 --> 00:18:23.630
heard something very recently about how emotions
00:18:23.630 --> 00:18:27.700
work, right? So on a very basic concept, emotions
00:18:27.700 --> 00:18:30.460
start in the brainstem, which is why we feel
00:18:30.460 --> 00:18:33.880
emotions first and so intensely. And then we
00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:36.539
might know that the cognitive thinking processes
00:18:36.539 --> 00:18:38.980
happen in the forward part of the brain, which
00:18:38.980 --> 00:18:43.720
is not the closest together. So talk a little
00:18:43.720 --> 00:18:46.039
bit about how that was expressed and help us
00:18:46.039 --> 00:18:49.019
understand the difference between emotions and
00:18:49.019 --> 00:18:51.380
then thinking. How do we get to that thinking
00:18:51.380 --> 00:18:56.220
part? Yeah, well, it actually, I don't remember
00:18:56.220 --> 00:18:58.960
all of the technical terms to all of the parts
00:18:58.960 --> 00:19:00.619
of the brain that they were talking about, but
00:19:00.619 --> 00:19:04.079
the reaction part is going to go through first
00:19:04.079 --> 00:19:07.839
and that fight or flight. kind of a moment. And
00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:09.980
then it makes its way to the front of our brain
00:19:09.980 --> 00:19:12.680
where actually the thinking and the responding
00:19:12.680 --> 00:19:15.359
happens. I think you're talking about the limbic
00:19:15.359 --> 00:19:17.960
system, right? The fight or flight system. Yeah,
00:19:18.019 --> 00:19:19.720
fight or flight system. And then it actually
00:19:19.720 --> 00:19:22.000
comes to the front, like the frontal cortex of
00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:23.599
the brain where we actually can do our thinking
00:19:23.599 --> 00:19:26.460
and our processing, right? And so that is where
00:19:26.460 --> 00:19:30.440
taking time and not just that first immediate.
00:19:31.670 --> 00:19:34.630
emotional response, right? There is a large difference
00:19:34.630 --> 00:19:38.670
between our feelings and our thoughts. Tim Grover
00:19:38.670 --> 00:19:41.009
talks in his book about winning, about the difference
00:19:41.009 --> 00:19:43.849
between your thoughts and your feelings, right?
00:19:44.029 --> 00:19:46.710
Like your thought is, I'm going to get out of
00:19:46.710 --> 00:19:49.369
bed and I'm going to go to the gym. My feelings
00:19:49.369 --> 00:19:51.910
say, I'm going to just stay and sleep, right?
00:19:52.049 --> 00:19:54.690
My thoughts say, oh, it's no big deal. Just have
00:19:54.690 --> 00:19:58.230
one more piece of cake or pie. But my thought
00:19:58.730 --> 00:20:01.410
Right. But my feelings are going to go, oh, but
00:20:01.410 --> 00:20:03.750
that's going to taste so good. Right. So it's
00:20:03.750 --> 00:20:08.490
we have to stop and go, what is a feeling versus
00:20:08.490 --> 00:20:11.869
a thought? And our feelings are little liars.
00:20:11.869 --> 00:20:15.849
Right. Like they are deceitful. They will wreck
00:20:15.849 --> 00:20:18.730
your life if you are not. They're also like one
00:20:18.730 --> 00:20:22.170
dimensional. Right. Like. Right. And so so even
00:20:22.170 --> 00:20:25.619
if even if, you know. We don't fully accept the
00:20:25.619 --> 00:20:27.700
whole they're lying to you, which sometimes they
00:20:27.700 --> 00:20:29.880
do, but sometimes they just don't see the full
00:20:29.880 --> 00:20:31.799
picture, the full perspective, right? Correct.
00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:36.289
Yeah, that too. And so that... When we allow
00:20:36.289 --> 00:20:39.890
them to take control, we have an ability to cause
00:20:39.890 --> 00:20:42.569
potentially, there goes my black and whiteness
00:20:42.569 --> 00:20:45.049
that I talked about earlier, potentially cause
00:20:45.049 --> 00:20:48.289
a lot of harm to ourselves and to other people
00:20:48.289 --> 00:20:51.089
and to relationships. And so, you know, it is
00:20:51.089 --> 00:20:54.329
so important to differentiate between your thoughts
00:20:54.329 --> 00:20:56.950
and your feelings, which surprisingly enough,
00:20:56.990 --> 00:20:59.369
actually kind of leads us into our next one,
00:20:59.430 --> 00:21:02.559
which is cool. It does. And before we do that,
00:21:02.640 --> 00:21:05.559
I love how you touched that. So I want to highlight
00:21:05.559 --> 00:21:08.900
that, that basically what you're describing is
00:21:08.900 --> 00:21:13.980
processing your emotions, right? And so exploring
00:21:13.980 --> 00:21:16.140
those emotions, we're not talking about burying
00:21:16.140 --> 00:21:18.680
them, hiding them, ignoring them, because that
00:21:18.680 --> 00:21:22.059
doesn't work, but allowing it to get to that
00:21:22.059 --> 00:21:24.940
front side to think about why you feel a certain
00:21:24.940 --> 00:21:27.539
way, then does that, like we talked about in
00:21:27.539 --> 00:21:30.599
point one, does that mean I need to talk to somebody?
00:21:30.740 --> 00:21:32.960
By thinking through it, did you get to the other
00:21:32.960 --> 00:21:36.059
side? Did you get some clarity? Do you now know
00:21:36.059 --> 00:21:40.259
how to respond versus react? If not, then do
00:21:40.259 --> 00:21:44.039
you need to talk to someone to see if you need
00:21:44.039 --> 00:21:46.579
a reframe or perspective change, or do you need
00:21:46.579 --> 00:21:47.940
to have a conversation with somebody to get some
00:21:47.940 --> 00:21:51.279
clarity, right? So yes, absolutely. That does
00:21:51.279 --> 00:21:54.000
lead us to the third and final one for today,
00:21:54.119 --> 00:21:58.460
and that is controlling the second thought. Now,
00:21:58.500 --> 00:22:01.480
this sounds almost very similar, and in some
00:22:01.480 --> 00:22:04.440
ways it is. And credit to this one goes to another
00:22:04.440 --> 00:22:07.940
dear friend and mentor, Glenn Lundy, the host
00:22:07.940 --> 00:22:11.700
of Rise and Grind and so many other things. And
00:22:11.700 --> 00:22:15.779
the idea is that the first thought is most often
00:22:15.779 --> 00:22:19.140
set in stone. Like it's a reactive thought that
00:22:19.140 --> 00:22:22.549
you have. Sometimes, let's face it. You have
00:22:22.549 --> 00:22:24.369
intrusive thoughts, like thoughts that you're
00:22:24.369 --> 00:22:25.869
like, where did that come from? I'm not even
00:22:25.869 --> 00:22:28.529
aware of where that came from. And then you could
00:22:28.529 --> 00:22:31.250
even label some of them as like temptations,
00:22:31.250 --> 00:22:33.210
right? It's thoughts out of nowhere or maybe
00:22:33.210 --> 00:22:36.569
from somewhere else. And so there are times where
00:22:36.569 --> 00:22:40.289
arguably you have no control over the first thought,
00:22:40.390 --> 00:22:42.509
right? It's that impulsive thought where you're
00:22:42.509 --> 00:22:44.470
like, wow, I'm glad nobody's in my head right
00:22:44.470 --> 00:22:46.789
now because that's worse than a dark meme, okay?
00:22:46.990 --> 00:22:50.450
Right. And so he says, stop trying to... control
00:22:50.450 --> 00:22:52.450
the first thought because that feeds all sorts
00:22:52.450 --> 00:22:55.009
of things. Like, like if you already don't view
00:22:55.009 --> 00:22:56.890
yourself very highly, then first thoughts can
00:22:56.890 --> 00:22:59.329
really mess you up. Right. So he's like, stop
00:22:59.329 --> 00:23:01.470
trying, stop obsessing about controlling the
00:23:01.470 --> 00:23:04.670
first thought because you can't. What your responsibility
00:23:04.670 --> 00:23:09.049
is, is to control the second thought. Do you,
00:23:09.049 --> 00:23:11.849
do you fix that thought? Do you adjust it or
00:23:11.849 --> 00:23:14.910
do you just roll with it? Right. And so, um,
00:23:15.029 --> 00:23:17.609
can you, can you tell? Can you tell us how this
00:23:17.609 --> 00:23:20.390
has been applicable in your life? Yeah, like
00:23:20.390 --> 00:23:22.470
I mentioned earlier, it's so easy to jump to
00:23:22.470 --> 00:23:25.970
conclusions. And these two things are so interwoven
00:23:25.970 --> 00:23:28.549
together. The cool thing is that as you begin
00:23:28.549 --> 00:23:31.470
to work on one, the next one kind of becomes
00:23:31.470 --> 00:23:35.470
easier, right? You start with assuming positive
00:23:35.470 --> 00:23:39.130
intent and you start controlling your emotions.
00:23:39.170 --> 00:23:41.990
Then it becomes so much easier to control the
00:23:41.990 --> 00:23:44.539
second thought. Which I love that they're all
00:23:44.539 --> 00:23:46.819
woven together and they're kind of this progression
00:23:46.819 --> 00:23:50.619
of growth and maturity as you begin to work on
00:23:50.619 --> 00:23:53.140
these things and they become part of the forefront
00:23:53.140 --> 00:23:55.240
and the things that you're thinking about. You
00:23:55.240 --> 00:23:58.819
know, it's so easy to jump to conclusions and
00:23:58.819 --> 00:24:02.700
to assume the worst. And so by controlling that
00:24:02.700 --> 00:24:08.480
second thought, we stop that. We stop that first,
00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:12.700
keep us grounded. It's so easy to fixate on that
00:24:12.700 --> 00:24:16.160
first thought if we don't allow ourselves to
00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:19.259
go to the second one and then control the second
00:24:19.259 --> 00:24:26.059
one, right? This is where, when we react to that
00:24:26.059 --> 00:24:29.859
first thought, that we can really do some damage
00:24:29.859 --> 00:24:33.420
in our relationships, right? When we just knee
00:24:33.420 --> 00:24:38.099
-jerk react, right? That's where we're unkind
00:24:38.099 --> 00:24:41.319
and we're hurtful and unintentionally so, but
00:24:41.319 --> 00:24:45.079
we've not controlled those emotions and moved
00:24:45.079 --> 00:24:47.700
on to that second thought. And it really does
00:24:47.700 --> 00:24:51.640
come with practice and growth and maturity. It
00:24:51.640 --> 00:24:55.940
also happens, I think, too, with not allowing
00:24:55.940 --> 00:25:01.349
ourselves to feel overwhelmed. for me has played
00:25:01.349 --> 00:25:03.769
a large part into controlling my emotions is
00:25:03.769 --> 00:25:07.410
to not allow that overwhelmed sense to set in.
00:25:07.509 --> 00:25:09.890
You know, today was the first day back after
00:25:09.890 --> 00:25:13.269
being on a vacation and back at work and taking
00:25:13.269 --> 00:25:16.190
on some new things in a different role. And it
00:25:16.190 --> 00:25:20.109
could have been so easy. Old me would have immediately
00:25:20.109 --> 00:25:24.069
walked in and been overwhelmed, had a headache,
00:25:24.250 --> 00:25:27.480
been stressed out all day long. And I went. I'm
00:25:27.480 --> 00:25:30.220
not going to do that. I made the conscious choice
00:25:30.220 --> 00:25:33.440
today to control my thoughts and my emotions
00:25:33.440 --> 00:25:39.759
and to not let the day overwhelm me. Right? And
00:25:39.759 --> 00:25:43.420
so I think for me, that's the practical play
00:25:43.420 --> 00:25:47.119
out of these things is that, you know, I can
00:25:47.119 --> 00:25:51.539
manage today and I could come home not completely
00:25:51.539 --> 00:25:55.960
and utterly exhausted. Three, even three years
00:25:55.960 --> 00:26:00.259
ago, me would have just been emotionally wiped,
00:26:00.380 --> 00:26:05.200
worth nothing, just done today. But because of
00:26:05.200 --> 00:26:08.059
learning to put these things into practice and
00:26:08.059 --> 00:26:12.160
not letting my emotions run rampant today and
00:26:12.160 --> 00:26:15.420
controlling second thoughts and not getting overwhelmed,
00:26:15.779 --> 00:26:19.019
I had a very productive day and I got a lot done,
00:26:19.180 --> 00:26:23.480
but wasn't ever. emotionally out of control or
00:26:23.480 --> 00:26:26.779
didn't ever respond even to my coworkers and
00:26:26.779 --> 00:26:29.740
to my peers in a manner that reflected those
00:26:29.740 --> 00:26:31.579
emotions, even if they were going on inside just
00:26:31.579 --> 00:26:35.140
a tiny little bit. And so today was a very practical
00:26:35.140 --> 00:26:38.640
application of these things as well. And so just,
00:26:38.720 --> 00:26:41.220
it's cool to reflect back and go, oh no, you
00:26:41.220 --> 00:26:44.140
have come a long way, which is, which is fun.
00:26:44.970 --> 00:26:48.109
Yeah, no, for sure. And as you were describing
00:26:48.109 --> 00:26:52.210
how this can affect your external relationships,
00:26:52.470 --> 00:26:55.690
I was reflecting on how it can affect your view
00:26:55.690 --> 00:26:59.809
of self too, right? So for some people, they're
00:26:59.809 --> 00:27:02.730
like you, where they don't struggle with as an
00:27:02.730 --> 00:27:05.309
overarching thing like self -confidence and self
00:27:05.309 --> 00:27:07.369
-loathing is not something that they're familiar
00:27:07.369 --> 00:27:11.299
with. But for some people like me, that's part
00:27:11.299 --> 00:27:15.299
of my story, right? And so for me, the first
00:27:15.299 --> 00:27:19.180
thought a lot of times was in relation to something
00:27:19.180 --> 00:27:23.220
negative about myself, right? And so there's
00:27:23.220 --> 00:27:27.220
that idea of like how many people say things
00:27:27.220 --> 00:27:30.079
to themselves or about themselves, whether it's
00:27:30.079 --> 00:27:32.799
out loud or in their head, that dialogue is so
00:27:32.799 --> 00:27:36.319
much more aggressive. We are so mean to ourselves.
00:27:37.049 --> 00:27:39.170
Right. We're so mean to ourselves. And I mean,
00:27:39.210 --> 00:27:41.150
you and I have talked about that too. And so
00:27:41.150 --> 00:27:45.690
what I thought about is controlling that second
00:27:45.690 --> 00:27:48.369
thought when you think of things like negative
00:27:48.369 --> 00:27:51.230
self -talk, right, is a perfect thing that I
00:27:51.230 --> 00:27:54.109
love talking about and how for me addressing
00:27:54.109 --> 00:27:57.210
that, I started doing it. I had so many negative
00:27:57.210 --> 00:28:01.720
self -thoughts that I... didn't know how to stop
00:28:01.720 --> 00:28:03.859
them. I was like, how do you stop thousands and
00:28:03.859 --> 00:28:06.099
thousands of thoughts a day? And I didn't really
00:28:06.099 --> 00:28:08.880
know of a way. And so the only thing I knew how
00:28:08.880 --> 00:28:12.220
was, I was like, well, I say fewer out loud.
00:28:12.299 --> 00:28:14.700
So at least if I could stop saying them out loud
00:28:14.700 --> 00:28:17.099
with the spoken word, which you and I both believe
00:28:17.099 --> 00:28:21.839
has power, right? Immense power. And so I was
00:28:21.839 --> 00:28:23.200
like, well, if I can at least stop saying them
00:28:23.200 --> 00:28:27.079
out loud, then, you know. we're getting somewhere.
00:28:27.180 --> 00:28:30.339
It's better. And so what I found was, especially
00:28:30.339 --> 00:28:33.859
after recruiting my friends like you and my best
00:28:33.859 --> 00:28:37.079
relationships, which are more than happy to call
00:28:37.079 --> 00:28:41.660
you out when you give them permission, is I was
00:28:41.660 --> 00:28:44.000
like, well, now that I'm not saying them out
00:28:44.000 --> 00:28:46.539
loud, I started actually catching some of the
00:28:46.539 --> 00:28:48.559
thoughts. I was like, well, this is kind of unexpectedly
00:28:48.559 --> 00:28:52.119
cool. And so what I was actually practicing was
00:28:52.119 --> 00:28:55.480
capturing that second thought and going, And
00:28:55.480 --> 00:28:58.440
one, you know, you may ask like, well, how do
00:28:58.440 --> 00:29:01.220
you practically do this? Well, it's a lot of
00:29:01.220 --> 00:29:04.359
times when that first thought is a lie or some
00:29:04.359 --> 00:29:07.339
sort of distortion, it's going to be tough for
00:29:07.339 --> 00:29:10.200
you to refute that unless you have a truth to
00:29:10.200 --> 00:29:13.160
go in its place, right? Correct. So when someone
00:29:13.160 --> 00:29:15.259
does something like we talked about in the first
00:29:15.259 --> 00:29:20.339
one, and let's say I already know what, you know,
00:29:20.359 --> 00:29:23.269
what it's going to be. I already know. the truth
00:29:23.269 --> 00:29:25.329
behind it, I don't need to go and have a conversation
00:29:25.329 --> 00:29:28.730
with that person, then I'm going to take that
00:29:28.730 --> 00:29:32.549
lie, that first thought, and say no, and replace
00:29:32.549 --> 00:29:35.509
it with the second thought, which I have control
00:29:35.509 --> 00:29:38.289
over, and replace it with the truth, right? And
00:29:38.289 --> 00:29:40.970
so I can defeat that lie by replacing it with
00:29:40.970 --> 00:29:43.309
the truth. And so I want to leave the audience
00:29:43.309 --> 00:29:47.369
in this point with three ways you could do that
00:29:47.369 --> 00:29:50.309
with the second thought. Are you accepting the
00:29:50.309 --> 00:29:53.750
first thought? Are you adjusting that first thought?
00:29:53.829 --> 00:29:55.910
Does it just need a perspective change? Does
00:29:55.910 --> 00:29:58.589
it just need a tweak? Or are you rejecting it,
00:29:58.630 --> 00:30:01.789
right? Are we saying, no, that is not true. I
00:30:01.789 --> 00:30:04.950
know that's not true because of whatever and
00:30:04.950 --> 00:30:06.910
replace it with that truth, right? And so this
00:30:06.910 --> 00:30:11.869
can be so powerful. But if someone, I want to
00:30:11.869 --> 00:30:14.369
be clear that if you don't do anything, then
00:30:14.369 --> 00:30:17.049
it's going to, the first thought's going to win
00:30:17.049 --> 00:30:19.559
by default. Right. Yeah. And so it's just going
00:30:19.559 --> 00:30:21.279
to you're just going to roll you over. Correct.
00:30:21.480 --> 00:30:24.259
Yeah. I think it's also important, like you talked
00:30:24.259 --> 00:30:27.380
about, you know, having to replace the lie with
00:30:27.380 --> 00:30:30.539
a truth. It's important to know what you believe
00:30:30.539 --> 00:30:33.819
about who you are, you know, and have that written
00:30:33.819 --> 00:30:36.400
down. Right. Like write down what it is that
00:30:36.400 --> 00:30:39.819
you bring to the table. Write down the good things
00:30:39.819 --> 00:30:43.279
that you bring to relationships, to friendships,
00:30:43.500 --> 00:30:46.640
to your job, right? That was one of the exercises
00:30:46.640 --> 00:30:50.180
that Danelle had us do. And to realize, like,
00:30:50.240 --> 00:30:52.819
I bring more to the... table than I think that
00:30:52.819 --> 00:30:55.480
I do. But you have to have thought about and
00:30:55.480 --> 00:30:58.880
have something to combat that with, right? And
00:30:58.880 --> 00:31:01.339
then even more so, another step of that is if
00:31:01.339 --> 00:31:04.220
you are a believer, to know who God says that
00:31:04.220 --> 00:31:07.859
you are and have that and have the truth to refute
00:31:07.859 --> 00:31:11.660
the lie. You can't just bat that away without
00:31:11.660 --> 00:31:14.920
something to replace it with and hope to be successful
00:31:14.920 --> 00:31:18.890
in continually being able to replace that lie
00:31:18.890 --> 00:31:21.730
with the truth without something to combat it.
00:31:21.869 --> 00:31:25.190
And so make that list, know what you bring to
00:31:25.190 --> 00:31:27.690
the table, know what the attributes are that
00:31:27.690 --> 00:31:30.990
have been given to you. I know you did an exercise
00:31:30.990 --> 00:31:33.509
even that you asked friends and family to say,
00:31:33.589 --> 00:31:35.589
hey, what is it that you appreciate about me?
00:31:35.750 --> 00:31:38.890
And then you would read those and look at those
00:31:38.890 --> 00:31:42.349
and have those truths when those lies popped
00:31:42.349 --> 00:31:45.309
in, when those first thoughts came about so that
00:31:45.309 --> 00:31:48.150
you could quickly and more easily combat them.
00:31:48.230 --> 00:31:50.809
And like you said, over time, we all watched
00:31:50.809 --> 00:31:55.829
as your confidence grew and you became more settled
00:31:55.829 --> 00:31:58.990
in who you were and you could start to see yourself
00:31:58.990 --> 00:32:01.589
for the way in which that we saw you, right?
00:32:01.849 --> 00:32:05.039
But you had to know. the truth and you had to
00:32:05.039 --> 00:32:07.980
learn to believe it and to tell yourself over
00:32:07.980 --> 00:32:10.039
and over again so that you did. And so I think
00:32:10.039 --> 00:32:12.140
that's one of the practical ways that you can
00:32:12.140 --> 00:32:14.480
capture that second thought if that's something
00:32:14.480 --> 00:32:16.680
that you're struggling with is an internal first
00:32:16.680 --> 00:32:20.319
thought, not external, is to know the truth of
00:32:20.319 --> 00:32:25.029
who you are. That is so powerful. And I think
00:32:25.029 --> 00:32:28.470
that's a perfect summation of what, of what you
00:32:28.470 --> 00:32:31.230
can use to implement all three of these. Like,
00:32:31.289 --> 00:32:32.890
like we talked about it, they're, they're all
00:32:32.890 --> 00:32:35.410
related. They're, they're very closely tied.
00:32:35.490 --> 00:32:38.950
And so choose one to start tackling and you'll
00:32:38.950 --> 00:32:41.630
notice how, how they're weaved in together and
00:32:41.630 --> 00:32:43.849
you're actually working on more than one at a
00:32:43.849 --> 00:32:46.890
time while, you know, learning you throughout
00:32:46.890 --> 00:32:49.069
your day, you're going to get multiple opportunities.
00:32:49.769 --> 00:32:52.630
for all three of these right and in assuming
00:32:52.630 --> 00:32:54.950
positive intent in someone and what they're doing
00:32:54.950 --> 00:32:57.910
whether it's you know you getting amped up about
00:32:57.910 --> 00:33:01.809
something and get an opportunity to do some breathing
00:33:01.809 --> 00:33:05.009
exercises to calm down those emotions yep right
00:33:05.009 --> 00:33:07.710
which is very a very effective way like without
00:33:07.710 --> 00:33:10.650
getting into the neuroscience of craziness like
00:33:10.650 --> 00:33:14.519
breathing exercises actually resets the limbic
00:33:14.519 --> 00:33:17.799
system. So if you are freaking out and the amygdala
00:33:17.799 --> 00:33:20.500
fight or flight is going nuts, some deep breathing
00:33:20.500 --> 00:33:24.559
in a very short time space can reset that circuit
00:33:24.559 --> 00:33:26.660
and get you back to baseline, lower your heart
00:33:26.660 --> 00:33:29.339
rate, all sorts of nerdy stuff. I love it. And
00:33:29.339 --> 00:33:32.500
then the last one, controlling that second thought,
00:33:32.640 --> 00:33:35.240
stop obsessing about what that first thought
00:33:35.240 --> 00:33:37.880
is and how it makes you feel about yourself or
00:33:37.880 --> 00:33:41.019
others and realize that that first thought Is
00:33:41.019 --> 00:33:42.359
that out of your control? It's going to be there.
00:33:42.559 --> 00:33:45.779
And maybe in the future we can reverse engineer,
00:33:45.920 --> 00:33:50.099
but from the very, very start, that first thought's
00:33:50.099 --> 00:33:54.019
there. Accept it. Figure it out. Accept that
00:33:54.019 --> 00:33:56.900
it's there is what I mean, not accept the thought
00:33:56.900 --> 00:34:00.460
itself. And then analyze it. Like we said, are
00:34:00.460 --> 00:34:02.059
you going to accept it? Are you going to adjust
00:34:02.059 --> 00:34:05.509
it? Or are you going to refuse it? Right? Are
00:34:05.509 --> 00:34:08.489
you going to reject it? Yeah. And I think that's
00:34:08.489 --> 00:34:12.269
a good place to end it. I appreciate you joining
00:34:12.269 --> 00:34:14.809
us today. And as always, thanks for listening
00:34:14.809 --> 00:34:17.570
to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. Remember, growth
00:34:17.570 --> 00:34:20.190
happens when you take action. So subscribe, share
00:34:20.190 --> 00:34:23.010
this with a friend. And until next time, keep
00:34:23.010 --> 00:34:25.530
moving forward because as we know, daily anything
00:34:25.530 --> 00:34:26.789
changes everything.