Optimizing Personalities: Stop Using Labels and Start Growing | Ft Ashley Negron

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Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
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Josh Negron, and this show is all about sharing
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lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
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thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
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to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
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Think about the last time you were in a high
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-pressure situation with someone you deeply respect.
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But in that moment, it felt like you were speaking
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two entirely different languages. Maybe you were
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trying to solve a problem with logic while they
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were reacting with emotion. Maybe you're ready
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to fire aim ready while they were still analyzing
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the data or vice versa. The hard truth is we
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often judge other people's weaknesses based on
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our own natural strengths or even weaknesses
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we've worked on and shored up. Sometimes we can
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even use personality tests to pigeonhole them
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instead of building a bridge to connect with
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them. In my own life, being an INFJ, only 1 %
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of the population, I've spent years feeling misunderstood,
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having to clarify, over -explain, because I hear,
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what do you mean? A lot. But I've learned that
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once you understand the core motivator of a person
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across from you, whether it's your spouse, child,
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friend, or employee, everything changes if you
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start with you. Today, I'm joined again by my
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better half, Ashley, to talk about how to stop
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using personality as a crutch or even a weapon
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and actually start using it as a tool for an
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intentional path of growth in your marriage,
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relationships, and your workplace. Let's get
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started. Ashley, welcome back to the show today.
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I'm excited. This is one of my favorite topics
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and something I love to just share about and
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something that has really definitely helped us
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in so many of those areas in life that you mentioned.
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Yeah, absolutely. So how do you find that personality
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tests have, like you said, have helped you understand
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people better? Yeah, so I really enjoy the color
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code personality test because it goes back to
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the core of what motivates you. And that really
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is such a driving factor for all of us. At the
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core of who we are, what motivates us? And so
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it's been really helpful for me to understand
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myself and to help point out things that I probably
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know are weaknesses, but am unwilling to admit
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to myself that they are weaknesses. Or don't
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want to acknowledge that there are weaknesses,
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especially in front of others. And so they've
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just been a really great tool to say, oh, awesome.
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This is something that I bring to the table that
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is incredible. And then this is a limitation
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that I probably need to spend some time thinking
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about how to improve this area of my life. Because
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if not, this is going to continue to be a hindrance
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to me in my marriage, in other relationships,
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maybe at work. It could come up in all different
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ways. And so they are just so helpful to move
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forward. And then when I can understand what
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is the core motivator and driving factor of other
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people, I might respond differently as I'm growing
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and maturing to the way in which that they maybe
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need a situation approached or the way in which
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that they do conflict or knowing that like...
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This personality type really hates conflict,
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and so they're going to avoid it at all possible
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costs. And so how do I help bridge that gap to
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do healthy conflict? So you use it like finding
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a commonality or common language for somebody
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instead of taking certain things personally that,
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you know, might be just kind of default for their
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personalities. Correct. Correct. And probably
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a large chunk of that is because I am the person.
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That often gets misunderstood or that can come
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in really hot or those kinds of things. And so
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have a better understanding of like, hey, this
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is going to be the way that I maybe approach
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this situation or can learn to resolve things
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maybe better and faster because we now have this
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common language together. Yeah, I know. I totally
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agree. And I see, you know, we launched with
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two things, people using personality assessments
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as a crutch and then also as a weapon. Let's
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start with using it as a crutch. You can often
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hear the phrases like, well, this is just who
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I am and I just tell it how it is. And yeah,
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truth hurts, you know, and those kinds of things.
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Now walk us a little bit through why those extreme
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phrases are obviously crutches. But how do personality
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assessments kind of hold some people back? Because
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they're just like, well, I don't have an excuse
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to change. This is who I am. And this gives me
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an excuse to be that way. Right. So I really
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think that currently the culture is telling us,
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be who you want to be, be your best self, be
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all these things. But on the opposite side of
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that, I think is that excuse to not grow through
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something, to not put in the work to say. I'm
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going to choose to be different. I'm going to
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choose to break the mold. I'm going to choose
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to break the cycle. And so it actually is just
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an excuse to just stay stuck and to stay where
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we are and to stay in those bad habits and patterns
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and to not optimize our lives for the things
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that would be better. How do we grow through
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that? And I think if you correctly look at a
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personality assessment, it's going to be an opportunity
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for you to say, okay, this is the biggest area
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in my life I see that could use some improvement.
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And I'm going to take one little step, right?
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I'm going to optimize in the right direction.
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And one little step. to get a harness on this
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part of my personality. Every single one of us
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has strengths and limitations that come with
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our personality. That's just who we were created
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to be. And those aren't bad things. They're not
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inherently like... bad or evil but you have to
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be the one in control of that and you have to
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be the one who responds well and so I think it's
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actually like culture bucking if we will decide
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hey I'm gonna not just stay stuck in this bad
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habit in this bad pattern because it's who I
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am and it's just the way that things are and
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so I actually think that that When we push back
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against that, people around us see that and they
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start to emulate those things too. And they feel
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like they don't have to stay stuck. And so not
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only does it help us, but it helps our relationships
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and it helps others around us as well. Yeah,
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I agree. And also what came to mind as you were
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pointing that out is very clearly there are strengths
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and limitations to each personality type. Even
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two people that are the same personality type
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might have different strengths inside of that.
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type, as well as different limitations. Another
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thing that's an interesting phenomenon is that
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sometimes your greatest strength can also be
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a limitation, just depending on how you wield
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it. You know, we talked about last time you and
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I were together, what wolf you're choosing to
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feed, right? So on the color code specifically,
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I'll use myself as an example. I'm a blue purist
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on the color code, which means I'm motivated
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by intimacy, right? And the stereotypical bad,
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unhealthy blue is a highly manipulative person.
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Like imagine like most common, it's associated
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with the matriarch who's like. gloomy and like
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always making like always putting you on a guilt
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trip you know and uh and and as they're entering
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later stages in life and maybe in the grandma
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stage like oh you don't come and visit me anymore
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and you just i wish you just had time for me
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and those kinds of like high manipulative control
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kind of posturing right but then at the very
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same token a healthy blue can use influence uh
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to to inspire people and motivate them and so
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I think the blues are very capable of connection
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and that connection can be used for good reasons
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and they can also be used for bad. How do you
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see that as a red? Yeah, so as a red, my core
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motivator is power. And so I like to be in control.
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I like to be in charge. I like to get things
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done. So as a good. side of that is like taking
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charge of a team and pushing it forward and getting
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everybody moving in the same direction and getting
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things done seeing things to the finish line
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reds are very capable of so much when it's harnessed
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well But on the flip side of that, in my younger
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years, we used to laugh about me being a freight
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train. Like I would do whatever it took to get
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things done, no matter the cost and who I might
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have run over in the process or who I had to
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push to get done, you know, or push something
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to get done the way that I wanted it to be done.
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And so growth and maturity in that is learning
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to go, okay, you don't have to be in control
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every time. You can submit your ideas, put them
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on the table, and then sometimes it's okay for
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you to step back. And to let other people lead
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and to take that underneath you position. And
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so both things can be so good, but an unhealthy
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version of that can be so destructive also. And
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oftentimes leads to you being very lonely. When
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you run people over or you overly manipulate
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people, you can end up actually in this... being
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lonely and being alone. And so you have to find
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and figure out ways to harness what could be
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the limiting factor in that so that that doesn't
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happen for you. Absolutely. And we talked about
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the second thing that you can do with personality
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assessments and use them as a weapon, you know,
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a weapon of assumption or what we often hear
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about pigeonholing people. What are some ways
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that you can not jump to conclusions about other
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people when you're like, oh, they're a red, so
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they must be on a power trip right now. And you
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just make these, it's so easy to slip into that.
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How do you keep that from happening and meet
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someone? Like you said, this is about building
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bridges. How do we keep from using it as a weapon
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of assumption or pigeonholing someone when they're
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really not where you think they are? Right. So
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I think a chunk of that is going to be back to
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some of the other things that we've talked about
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previously of assuming positive intent and looking
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at the heart behind whatever that situation is
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going to be. You have to approach a personality
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assessment from a manner of this is a helpful
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tool, but it's not an exact roadmap, right? There's
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so many different ways that each personality
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type can present themselves. You can't look at
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one chart or you can't look at a certain graph
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or an outline and just go, yep, this is exactly
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who this person is. And yep, this is exactly
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how they're going to react because that roadmap
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is going to get you lost. So don't think about
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things as the definitive black and white. Every
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personality is going to be a scale of some kind
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in no matter, you know, everybody kind of fits
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in. Yes, these. general boxes of what kind of
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personality that they have. But inside each box
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is so many different unique ways that those things
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are combined. And everybody has other pieces
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of other personalities. And so everybody's just
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a unique, different puzzle. And so one chart,
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one graph, one outline is not going to get you
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to that final destination or that final assumption
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that you may have about someone. So use them.
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They're incredibly powerful. They have been a
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great common language for us in our marriage,
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in our relationships at work, in so many different
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ways. But don't think that it is a one size fits
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all roadmap or you're going to get very, very
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lost. Yeah, I agree. And one way you can get
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lost is judging someone else's weaknesses or
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limitations is a word we like to use instead,
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based on your own natural strengths. That's a
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really... That's a really crummy thing to do,
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to be honest with you, right? Yep. And even imagine
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someone, an easy analogy that I think is closely
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parallel to that is fitness is the easiest one.
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So let's say you used to be out of shape, used
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to not value fitness whatsoever, and you lived
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that way for a really long time. You got a handle
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on it, and now you're in shape. You've been doing
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it for several years. You've got a great routine.
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I know people who have wrestled with judging
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people who were in the same position. today that
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they were years ago, right? And so it's easy
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to look at people and have that temptation to
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judge them. And so when a blue has a natural
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strength in something, maybe it's tact or being
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intentional with people. There's other personalities
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where that's not their first mode, right? If
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your first mode is getting things done, then
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sometimes people aren't your first consideration.
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That's not bad. That's just... the order of things
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in the natural way of that personality. And so
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for a blue to judge, one of those other personalities
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based on the fact that they don't naturally always
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put people first is really not the best use of
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these assessments, right? And recognizing like,
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hey, in those kinds of things that you can come
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alongside someone with a different personality
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and show them the way that's a little bit better
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in that way. And then also, lastly, it made me
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think about how they can also be advantageous
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for an individual themselves, right? That personal
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understanding is something that's super helpful.
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Sometimes a Myers -Briggs is another personality
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assessment that I think is really valuable. There's
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16 of them. So sometimes it can be a little disorienting,
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but it gives a little bit more context to instead
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of there just being four colors. Now, granted,
00:13:53.809 --> 00:13:55.610
there are more combinations of those colors,
00:13:55.669 --> 00:13:59.620
but in the Myers -Briggs being 16. If you feel
00:13:59.620 --> 00:14:03.659
like you never fit in or you're kind of marginalized
00:14:03.659 --> 00:14:06.460
or misunderstood, then some of these types in
00:14:06.460 --> 00:14:08.580
the Myers -Briggs particularly, I know that was
00:14:08.580 --> 00:14:11.940
for me, an INFJ being only 1 % of the population.
00:14:12.139 --> 00:14:13.820
I remember that being very empowering when I
00:14:13.820 --> 00:14:16.059
was reading about that type because I was like,
00:14:16.120 --> 00:14:18.700
oh, this is interesting. Because in other assessments,
00:14:18.799 --> 00:14:21.000
sometimes you read and you're like, yeah, I mean,
00:14:21.080 --> 00:14:24.559
50 % of that's true. I don't really know if I'd
00:14:24.559 --> 00:14:29.070
apply all of it to me. I think that can be really
00:14:29.070 --> 00:14:31.889
useful to someone for self -reflection, right?
00:14:32.009 --> 00:14:35.289
If that's something that you really enjoy, I
00:14:35.289 --> 00:14:37.409
think self -reflection can be a huge tool in
00:14:37.409 --> 00:14:40.129
personal growth. And so reading something like
00:14:40.129 --> 00:14:43.029
that that's highly specific to you, especially
00:14:43.029 --> 00:14:45.809
for the first time, can be really, really powerful.
00:14:46.570 --> 00:14:50.070
Now, along that similar line, they say in especially
00:14:50.070 --> 00:14:53.129
romantic relationships, opposites attract, right?
00:14:53.210 --> 00:14:56.850
And that's true for you and me. So how specifically
00:14:56.850 --> 00:15:00.409
do these kinds of assessments help people when,
00:15:00.409 --> 00:15:03.490
let's face it, they are as different as different
00:15:03.490 --> 00:15:07.330
can be, right? So I really... I like the way
00:15:07.330 --> 00:15:09.629
that the color code just approaches it of like,
00:15:09.750 --> 00:15:12.169
okay, let's take a look at here's all the personality
00:15:12.169 --> 00:15:14.129
types and then let's take a look at how they
00:15:14.129 --> 00:15:17.169
interact together, right? So let's think about
00:15:17.169 --> 00:15:21.529
a relationship where both people are both reds
00:15:21.529 --> 00:15:25.450
or a red and a blue or a red and a yellow, whatever
00:15:25.450 --> 00:15:27.529
that that's going to look like, right? And so
00:15:27.529 --> 00:15:29.529
they also break down and help you understand
00:15:29.529 --> 00:15:33.000
like this is how these two can... come together
00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:36.120
in a relationship. And so the nickname of a red
00:15:36.120 --> 00:15:38.100
and a blue relationship is called fireworks.
00:15:38.730 --> 00:15:44.590
And so it can be such an explosive relationship
00:15:44.590 --> 00:15:48.230
if not harnessed correctly and if both parties
00:15:48.230 --> 00:15:52.009
just continue to live in their limitations. And
00:15:52.009 --> 00:15:54.889
so I think for us, it's been really good to have
00:15:54.889 --> 00:15:58.230
this common language. We went and took a weekend
00:15:58.230 --> 00:16:01.070
seminar about it and really dove deep into it.
00:16:01.110 --> 00:16:03.649
We were with other people, learned about how
00:16:03.649 --> 00:16:06.470
other relationships interact together, and it
00:16:06.470 --> 00:16:10.090
was just such a help. thing for us to have this
00:16:10.090 --> 00:16:14.789
common language, right? And so it allowed us
00:16:14.789 --> 00:16:17.009
to understand some from the perspective of the
00:16:17.009 --> 00:16:20.889
other person and how when we're stressed, when
00:16:20.889 --> 00:16:23.610
we're frustrated, when we're upset, we tend to
00:16:23.610 --> 00:16:28.429
go to and live in our limitations, right? And
00:16:28.429 --> 00:16:31.289
we tend to hang on to those and that tends to
00:16:31.289 --> 00:16:33.789
be what comes out. when we're in those moments
00:16:33.789 --> 00:16:37.409
of stress. And so it can be a really eye -opening
00:16:37.409 --> 00:16:41.850
thing to go, that's why you do that. Or to just
00:16:41.850 --> 00:16:45.230
have a deeper understanding of those times of
00:16:45.230 --> 00:16:48.190
conflict. And then not only does it, it doesn't
00:16:48.190 --> 00:16:49.669
stop it just like, well, this is who you are
00:16:49.669 --> 00:16:51.730
in the middle of conflict, right? But here's
00:16:51.730 --> 00:16:55.740
some ways that you can learn to So to take that
00:16:55.740 --> 00:16:58.500
limitation and turn it into something that can
00:16:58.500 --> 00:17:01.159
be positive. And here's how you can work on this.
00:17:01.179 --> 00:17:02.679
And here's how you can work on this together,
00:17:02.899 --> 00:17:06.799
you know, and to help each other. You do have
00:17:06.799 --> 00:17:08.779
to be careful in the middle of conflict that
00:17:08.779 --> 00:17:11.180
you don't, like we talked about, like pigeonholing
00:17:11.180 --> 00:17:13.000
or like throwing it back at the other person.
00:17:13.079 --> 00:17:15.480
You don't want to use it as a weapon in the middle
00:17:15.480 --> 00:17:18.900
of conflict, right? But it can be an opportunity
00:17:18.900 --> 00:17:21.400
for you to process and go, okay, hang on a minute.
00:17:21.480 --> 00:17:24.480
This is part of the core of who they are, or
00:17:24.480 --> 00:17:28.259
this is a core motivator. And now I've bumped
00:17:28.259 --> 00:17:30.880
into something that goes against their core motivation.
00:17:31.279 --> 00:17:35.299
How do we come back and find a place of resolution?
00:17:35.720 --> 00:17:38.740
Or how do we see this well through the other
00:17:38.740 --> 00:17:41.900
person's perspective? I think for us, it's two
00:17:41.900 --> 00:17:43.680
very different personalities. Like we approach
00:17:43.680 --> 00:17:47.839
things both such different ways that it really
00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:50.539
helped us to take a look at something and to
00:17:50.539 --> 00:17:53.339
see the problem as the problem. And how do we
00:17:53.339 --> 00:17:55.559
individually approach that problem and then tackle
00:17:55.559 --> 00:17:58.900
it together? Yeah, in the group setting, honestly,
00:17:59.099 --> 00:18:01.940
we've done it in many contexts now over the years.
00:18:02.019 --> 00:18:04.569
And it's been... Something that's really honestly
00:18:04.569 --> 00:18:07.470
pretty enjoyable. If you think about that, there's
00:18:07.470 --> 00:18:09.670
a lot of, a lot of comedians talk about marriage,
00:18:09.769 --> 00:18:12.269
for example, and there's a lot of humor that
00:18:12.269 --> 00:18:15.829
can come along with the universal experiences
00:18:15.829 --> 00:18:17.930
that people have in their differences, right?
00:18:18.049 --> 00:18:20.690
Like the type of guy that does this and like
00:18:20.690 --> 00:18:22.970
the ladies are all rolling their eyes and like,
00:18:23.029 --> 00:18:25.690
oh my gosh, yours too, you know, like, and those
00:18:25.690 --> 00:18:27.609
kinds of things with the personality assessment,
00:18:27.670 --> 00:18:32.180
especially with. When we did it, our first seminar
00:18:32.180 --> 00:18:35.019
was a bunch of married couples, like from our
00:18:35.019 --> 00:18:38.259
young age back then all the way to grandparents
00:18:38.259 --> 00:18:40.859
and just hearing everybody laugh at the same
00:18:40.859 --> 00:18:43.799
joke and look at each other. And those were things
00:18:43.799 --> 00:18:46.799
where it's like. This is, it kind of helps normalize.
00:18:46.799 --> 00:18:49.099
Like this isn't just us. This is normal. That
00:18:49.099 --> 00:18:51.400
doesn't mean there can't be two spouses with
00:18:51.400 --> 00:18:53.759
almost the exact same personality type, but it's
00:18:53.759 --> 00:18:57.180
definitely rarer. And really, really goes to,
00:18:57.299 --> 00:19:01.240
yeah, opposites do attract. And that creates,
00:19:01.660 --> 00:19:04.700
like you said, a lot of benefits, right? You
00:19:04.700 --> 00:19:07.880
said in our marriage episode that part of that
00:19:07.880 --> 00:19:10.299
is like stimulating in a relationship, right?
00:19:10.339 --> 00:19:12.619
And having someone with a different perspective.
00:19:13.470 --> 00:19:15.509
Let's face it this way. If you had someone that
00:19:15.509 --> 00:19:17.730
had all your strengths and all your limitations,
00:19:18.009 --> 00:19:20.710
that seems like that would be a tough way to
00:19:20.710 --> 00:19:23.329
go, right? Right. And so if you have somebody
00:19:23.329 --> 00:19:26.410
that is an opposite, then you can shore each
00:19:26.410 --> 00:19:30.509
other's weaknesses up. You can shore each other's
00:19:30.509 --> 00:19:34.089
limitations up and your strengths. oftentimes
00:19:34.089 --> 00:19:36.869
are exactly what do that for the other person.
00:19:36.970 --> 00:19:39.690
So I think that's a super powerful thing that
00:19:39.690 --> 00:19:43.970
I think can help. What about knowing the core
00:19:43.970 --> 00:19:47.349
motivator about someone else's personality helps
00:19:47.349 --> 00:19:51.150
you kind of meet them in that way? Because let's
00:19:51.150 --> 00:19:54.990
frame this up a little bit. I think that personality
00:19:54.990 --> 00:19:57.710
assessments can be the most useful when you're
00:19:57.710 --> 00:20:01.109
the one reflecting and not necessarily changing
00:20:01.109 --> 00:20:04.609
yourself. but adapting to that other person with
00:20:04.609 --> 00:20:07.710
grace, right? And so how does knowing that core
00:20:07.710 --> 00:20:10.250
motivator change how you approach other people?
00:20:10.609 --> 00:20:14.049
So I think like for me, knowing that your core
00:20:14.049 --> 00:20:17.529
motivator is intimacy and relationships. It's
00:20:17.529 --> 00:20:20.009
looking for those pockets of time to help to
00:20:20.009 --> 00:20:24.170
meet that core need within you, right? Or to
00:20:24.170 --> 00:20:27.309
approach a conversation maybe differently from
00:20:27.309 --> 00:20:30.529
a different angle, because I know that at the
00:20:30.529 --> 00:20:34.650
end, of the day, your goal is to have restoration
00:20:34.650 --> 00:20:38.049
within that relationship and within that moment,
00:20:38.190 --> 00:20:40.529
right? Mine is definitely like to get things
00:20:40.529 --> 00:20:43.170
done, to get from A to B, to finish and to do
00:20:43.170 --> 00:20:46.529
tasks. And so to not let the tasks of things
00:20:46.529 --> 00:20:51.230
override the relationship component of things,
00:20:51.410 --> 00:20:54.799
right? And to not just like freight train you
00:20:54.799 --> 00:20:56.920
over because i want to get all these things done
00:20:56.920 --> 00:21:00.160
but how do i leave time for the relationship
00:21:00.160 --> 00:21:02.779
component right and so we've had to work through
00:21:02.779 --> 00:21:06.460
some of those things or um you know we laugh
00:21:06.460 --> 00:21:08.720
too about like there's things out there online
00:21:08.720 --> 00:21:10.819
that are like yeah the cool thing about being
00:21:10.819 --> 00:21:13.299
married to an independent woman or in this instance
00:21:13.299 --> 00:21:16.480
in a very red type a personality woman is that
00:21:16.480 --> 00:21:19.339
you have exactly 0 .3 seconds to do exactly what
00:21:19.339 --> 00:21:21.000
she's asked you to do or she's going to do it
00:21:21.000 --> 00:21:24.539
herself right And so in those moments, it's like,
00:21:24.559 --> 00:21:28.779
no, you want the intimacy of that relationship.
00:21:28.980 --> 00:21:31.900
And so you want to do whatever it is that I have
00:21:31.900 --> 00:21:34.579
asked that I need help with or whatever, but
00:21:34.579 --> 00:21:36.700
it may not be on my timeline. You're going to
00:21:36.700 --> 00:21:39.140
do it, but it may not be on my timeline. And
00:21:39.140 --> 00:21:41.579
so I've had to learn that, yes, because of that
00:21:41.579 --> 00:21:44.839
need for intimacy and the need for that relationship
00:21:44.839 --> 00:21:48.279
component, you're going to do it. but it's probably
00:21:48.279 --> 00:21:50.400
not going to be on my A to B timeline. And that's
00:21:50.400 --> 00:21:53.619
okay, right? So I have to stop and slow down
00:21:53.619 --> 00:21:57.259
and remember to put that need of yours ahead
00:21:57.259 --> 00:22:00.299
of that need of mine. Now, if it doesn't get
00:22:00.299 --> 00:22:02.579
done or it takes, you know, however too long
00:22:02.579 --> 00:22:06.099
or whatever that situation may be, then I can
00:22:06.099 --> 00:22:09.299
step in and maybe say something again in a non
00:22:09.299 --> 00:22:11.579
-nagging kind of a way. Yeah, so I think it just
00:22:11.579 --> 00:22:14.059
really helped in the ways in which I ask for
00:22:14.059 --> 00:22:16.980
help or the ways in which that I approach what
00:22:16.980 --> 00:22:19.019
my needs are, but also looking at them through
00:22:19.019 --> 00:22:21.900
the lens of what your need is as well. Another
00:22:21.900 --> 00:22:24.660
great one for not necessarily like it's kind
00:22:24.660 --> 00:22:26.779
of personalities, but kind of not is the five
00:22:26.779 --> 00:22:30.329
love languages. And so. There's all of these
00:22:30.329 --> 00:22:32.170
different ways in which that we can serve one
00:22:32.170 --> 00:22:35.529
another. And if you combine the five love languages
00:22:35.529 --> 00:22:37.529
and then something like the color code, you have
00:22:37.529 --> 00:22:40.569
an even deeper understanding of your spouse and
00:22:40.569 --> 00:22:43.710
what it means to actually meet their core needs
00:22:43.710 --> 00:22:46.130
and the things that actually are going to say,
00:22:46.190 --> 00:22:50.630
hey, I love you to your spouse and to your kids.
00:22:50.750 --> 00:22:52.369
And so when you can understand what those things
00:22:52.369 --> 00:22:55.990
are. You approach situations differently. You
00:22:55.990 --> 00:22:59.369
approach how you buy gifts differently. You approach
00:22:59.369 --> 00:23:01.650
how you plan vacations differently. You approach
00:23:01.650 --> 00:23:03.849
conflict differently because you have this better
00:23:03.849 --> 00:23:06.690
and deeper understanding of who they are at the
00:23:06.690 --> 00:23:10.390
core. And you can just love them in a different
00:23:10.390 --> 00:23:13.009
kind of a manner because of that understanding.
00:23:13.349 --> 00:23:15.670
And like you said earlier with the communication
00:23:15.670 --> 00:23:18.559
bit. A lot of times couples get in trouble for
00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:22.940
the unmet, unsaid expectations, right? Yep. So
00:23:22.940 --> 00:23:26.259
if a spouse isn't given the full context, you
00:23:26.259 --> 00:23:29.559
know, and sometimes I understand you can't be
00:23:29.559 --> 00:23:31.240
as ridiculous with it. You know, like, hey, I
00:23:31.240 --> 00:23:34.400
need you to do this and this duration. This is
00:23:34.400 --> 00:23:38.099
why, you know, like a lot of that. is a lot of
00:23:38.099 --> 00:23:40.980
information that's probably unnecessary. I've
00:23:40.980 --> 00:23:43.660
got some mentors that call that disclaiming and
00:23:43.660 --> 00:23:45.539
they're like, no, if someone has questions, let
00:23:45.539 --> 00:23:48.279
them ask those. But on that very same token,
00:23:48.460 --> 00:23:51.819
if you never explain your expectations, then
00:23:51.819 --> 00:23:54.539
the odds of your expectations being met fully
00:23:54.539 --> 00:23:59.759
all the time is approximately 0%, right? Yes,
00:23:59.900 --> 00:24:02.230
right. And like you said, that's really important
00:24:02.230 --> 00:24:05.390
in the communication aspect as well. And I think
00:24:05.390 --> 00:24:08.170
honestly, knowing those core motivators is helpful.
00:24:08.390 --> 00:24:10.490
And then like you touched on earlier, I want
00:24:10.490 --> 00:24:12.789
to re -highlight the two things we've talked
00:24:12.789 --> 00:24:15.089
about in our marriage episode about assuming
00:24:15.089 --> 00:24:18.250
positive intent, right? And knowing that when
00:24:18.250 --> 00:24:22.109
someone is direct in their feedback, in their
00:24:22.109 --> 00:24:25.609
expectations, that that is not taken as a personal
00:24:25.609 --> 00:24:29.619
attack. A lot of my blue personalities. that
00:24:29.619 --> 00:24:33.079
are more emotive. That is going to be, the yellow
00:24:33.079 --> 00:24:35.299
personalities can also be vulnerable to that
00:24:35.299 --> 00:24:37.460
in certain contexts. And then even the white
00:24:37.460 --> 00:24:40.119
personalities that is associated with peace,
00:24:40.319 --> 00:24:43.299
you know, conflict is intense for them specifically
00:24:43.299 --> 00:24:46.900
as a general rule. And so assuming positive intent
00:24:46.900 --> 00:24:50.980
is really important in not losing your emotions,
00:24:51.079 --> 00:24:53.940
right? And then the second one is controlling
00:24:53.940 --> 00:24:56.519
that second thought, like filtering people's
00:24:56.519 --> 00:24:58.759
actions and words through their character and
00:24:58.759 --> 00:25:01.019
who you know them to be. That's something that's
00:25:01.019 --> 00:25:03.140
very important that we discuss often on this
00:25:03.140 --> 00:25:05.940
channel. If someone does that, then you can make
00:25:05.940 --> 00:25:08.859
a very easy assumption in your mental flow chart
00:25:08.859 --> 00:25:12.500
of they just said and did this. It really made
00:25:12.500 --> 00:25:15.700
me feel a certain kind of way. Is this consistent
00:25:15.700 --> 00:25:18.599
with who I know them to be? And if the answer
00:25:18.599 --> 00:25:21.740
is no, then I think it's a really easy. flow
00:25:21.740 --> 00:25:24.200
into, you know, maybe they're having a bad day,
00:25:24.259 --> 00:25:26.380
maybe something's maybe, maybe it has nothing
00:25:26.380 --> 00:25:28.740
to do with me. The answer to that is probably
00:25:28.740 --> 00:25:32.660
yes. And so, uh, and that's an easy way to, uh,
00:25:32.779 --> 00:25:35.579
kind of handle things on your end, right. And
00:25:35.579 --> 00:25:38.140
self -manage like we talked about on earlier
00:25:38.140 --> 00:25:40.859
episodes, managing those expectations and those
00:25:40.859 --> 00:25:43.940
emotions that can sometimes get out of, out of
00:25:43.940 --> 00:25:46.140
whack when you're engaging someone else that's
00:25:46.140 --> 00:25:48.440
different for sure, especially in conflict. And
00:25:48.440 --> 00:25:51.059
then to understand that we do live in the limitations
00:25:51.059 --> 00:25:55.200
of our main color and then even whatever our
00:25:55.200 --> 00:25:58.900
secondary may be in the middle of conflict. And
00:25:58.900 --> 00:26:02.859
so how do we strengthen up and shore those up?
00:26:02.980 --> 00:26:06.299
How do we take a good self -reflection time and
00:26:06.299 --> 00:26:09.980
go, okay. I see this as becoming a problem within
00:26:09.980 --> 00:26:12.500
the way that I do conflict or the way in which
00:26:12.500 --> 00:26:14.859
I am thinking about certain situations or the
00:26:14.859 --> 00:26:17.940
way in which I take feedback or maybe it's the
00:26:17.940 --> 00:26:21.180
way I handle criticism or any of those kinds
00:26:21.180 --> 00:26:23.720
of things. I need to take a look at that limitation
00:26:23.720 --> 00:26:27.519
and how do I not let that impact. every area
00:26:27.519 --> 00:26:30.200
of my life and not live in that limitation, but
00:26:30.200 --> 00:26:32.799
learn to filter, like you said, things through
00:26:32.799 --> 00:26:34.440
what you know about that person who's coming
00:26:34.440 --> 00:26:36.759
to you or whatever that that may look like. And
00:26:36.759 --> 00:26:40.279
so just that really that self -assessment, it's
00:26:40.279 --> 00:26:43.480
more about you and who you are rather than using
00:26:43.480 --> 00:26:46.660
it as a weapon against other people. Yeah, absolutely.
00:26:46.900 --> 00:26:48.740
And it sounds kind of weird to say it's all about
00:26:48.740 --> 00:26:50.819
you, but let's frame this in a way that makes
00:26:50.819 --> 00:26:53.799
sense, right? In the end of the day, the only
00:26:53.799 --> 00:26:58.440
person you can control is you, right? And so
00:26:58.440 --> 00:27:01.859
you can know about other people and that can
00:27:01.859 --> 00:27:04.000
help you understand. But at the end of the day,
00:27:04.079 --> 00:27:06.480
understanding them and where they're coming from,
00:27:06.539 --> 00:27:09.640
whether it's a very healthy avenue they're approaching
00:27:09.640 --> 00:27:13.400
you or an unhealthy one is going to fall on you
00:27:13.400 --> 00:27:19.180
to be, to step up, to find an opportunity. to
00:27:19.180 --> 00:27:21.619
work around that, especially if it's, you know,
00:27:21.619 --> 00:27:24.519
in the negative, obviously. And so that helps
00:27:24.519 --> 00:27:27.940
us transition into the workplace, which is another
00:27:27.940 --> 00:27:31.460
great use, obviously, of personality assessments
00:27:31.460 --> 00:27:34.799
in understanding your colleagues, your employees,
00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:37.779
and, you know, how to associate with them. I'll
00:27:37.779 --> 00:27:40.720
share in one of our manager off sites, there
00:27:40.720 --> 00:27:45.190
was a colleague of mine that I had a tremendous
00:27:45.190 --> 00:27:48.069
amount of respect for. And her and I were already
00:27:48.069 --> 00:27:52.230
pretty close as friends. And I remember playing
00:27:52.230 --> 00:27:55.369
a team building game that we called the Lego
00:27:55.369 --> 00:27:58.269
game. And this was that you'd sit back to back.
00:27:58.450 --> 00:28:01.089
One person would have the instructions of a very
00:28:01.089 --> 00:28:05.240
simple Lego game. And so when her and I sat together
00:28:05.240 --> 00:28:08.539
and started doing this Lego puzzle, I was doing
00:28:08.539 --> 00:28:10.559
the Legos, she was reading the instructions,
00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:13.839
and I learned very, very quickly that the way
00:28:13.839 --> 00:28:18.380
we communicate on strategic matters was entirely
00:28:18.380 --> 00:28:20.960
different. The way she conceptualized the pieces
00:28:20.960 --> 00:28:24.039
and described them, I was like, man, this is
00:28:24.039 --> 00:28:27.599
not going to be constructive to win this game.
00:28:28.190 --> 00:28:30.710
And I learned very quickly that, okay, so I have
00:28:30.710 --> 00:28:34.930
to adapt and figure out how to ask specific questions
00:28:34.930 --> 00:28:37.650
to try to get on the same page with her. And
00:28:37.650 --> 00:28:40.690
what was cool about that is learning later on
00:28:40.690 --> 00:28:43.210
when we were in situations of managing employees,
00:28:43.630 --> 00:28:47.109
sharing perspectives, solving problems, sometimes
00:28:47.109 --> 00:28:50.009
in higher stress scenarios, I remembered that
00:28:50.009 --> 00:28:53.849
Lego game. And that illustration was like, that
00:28:53.849 --> 00:28:57.799
always stuck with me of if I... Got the feeling
00:28:57.799 --> 00:29:00.839
that we weren't on the same page, which was likely
00:29:00.839 --> 00:29:04.839
because how different we are. I was like, okay,
00:29:05.420 --> 00:29:09.359
this is an opportunity for me to clarify, to
00:29:09.359 --> 00:29:13.099
kind of try to bring us around in the same place,
00:29:13.220 --> 00:29:17.119
you know? Yeah, absolutely. I have used it so
00:29:17.119 --> 00:29:20.099
much in the workplace, specifically when I worked
00:29:20.099 --> 00:29:22.799
with the college students in the admissions office.
00:29:22.859 --> 00:29:25.220
Right. So it'd be super helpful because they
00:29:25.220 --> 00:29:27.660
were going to be on this team of people for sometimes
00:29:27.660 --> 00:29:29.519
an entire summer and then we're going to be with
00:29:29.519 --> 00:29:32.099
them 24 seven for the whole summer. Or maybe
00:29:32.099 --> 00:29:34.579
they were on this team for an entire year working
00:29:34.579 --> 00:29:36.900
together to recruit students. And so it was really
00:29:36.900 --> 00:29:39.200
important for us to understand each other and
00:29:39.200 --> 00:29:41.980
how we were going to handle conflict because
00:29:41.980 --> 00:29:45.160
inevitably you're going to. have conflict. And
00:29:45.160 --> 00:29:47.460
so it really helped us to understand each other.
00:29:47.519 --> 00:29:50.119
And it also was helpful for them to kind of know
00:29:50.119 --> 00:29:53.259
what roles to take within the team, right? And
00:29:53.259 --> 00:29:55.279
so everybody has these different strengths that
00:29:55.279 --> 00:29:57.420
they bring to the table. And some of them are
00:29:57.420 --> 00:29:59.660
going to come more naturally. And so how do we
00:29:59.660 --> 00:30:02.000
lean into those natural strengths? And then how
00:30:02.000 --> 00:30:03.720
do we help each other shore up our weaknesses,
00:30:03.920 --> 00:30:07.619
right? And so maybe we don't put the person who
00:30:08.279 --> 00:30:11.660
absolutely seeks peace we don't put them in charge
00:30:11.660 --> 00:30:15.720
of creating an entirely new process and systems
00:30:15.720 --> 00:30:18.099
right or the implementation of maybe the processes
00:30:18.099 --> 00:30:20.119
and the systems because there's going to be a
00:30:20.119 --> 00:30:22.759
lot of conflict coming with that they are so
00:30:22.759 --> 00:30:25.160
good disruptive enough to correct they're not
00:30:25.160 --> 00:30:28.279
disruptive enough to to implement maybe But they
00:30:28.279 --> 00:30:30.839
would be great on the committee to help us think
00:30:30.839 --> 00:30:32.779
through because they're really good at processes
00:30:32.779 --> 00:30:35.700
and procedure and understanding discernment.
00:30:35.980 --> 00:30:38.380
Yes, thank you. That's a great word for that.
00:30:38.460 --> 00:30:41.000
That's such discerning. And so we have to look
00:30:41.000 --> 00:30:42.940
at those things and go, hey, how can we help
00:30:42.940 --> 00:30:45.700
each other? And how can we put you in the right
00:30:45.700 --> 00:30:48.440
seat on the bus, right? That's another one of
00:30:48.440 --> 00:30:50.759
those leadership one -on -one kinds of things,
00:30:50.859 --> 00:30:52.240
making sure you have the right people in the
00:30:52.240 --> 00:30:55.500
right seats on the bus. And we can do that through
00:30:55.500 --> 00:30:58.799
using personality tests, right? So now before
00:30:58.799 --> 00:31:02.740
we hire any managers or we add anyone to our
00:31:02.740 --> 00:31:04.660
team, we have a couple of different assessments
00:31:04.660 --> 00:31:06.839
that we have them take because we want to understand
00:31:06.839 --> 00:31:10.220
who it is that we are asking and inviting into
00:31:10.220 --> 00:31:14.859
our team. Because this is such a, we've worked
00:31:14.859 --> 00:31:17.799
really hard to get to where we are and it's kind
00:31:17.799 --> 00:31:19.920
of this sacred space. And so we want to make
00:31:19.920 --> 00:31:22.500
sure that who we're allowing to align with that.
00:31:22.910 --> 00:31:26.230
is going to fit in to maybe the empty puzzle
00:31:26.230 --> 00:31:29.009
piece that we're looking to fill, right? Now,
00:31:29.089 --> 00:31:31.430
on the other side of that, you don't want to
00:31:31.430 --> 00:31:33.670
not hire someone because you're like, well, the
00:31:33.670 --> 00:31:36.529
personality exam says that they're going to,
00:31:36.549 --> 00:31:38.650
you know, not be good at this, but this is the
00:31:38.650 --> 00:31:40.549
role we're trying to fill. Like you have to take
00:31:40.549 --> 00:31:43.109
it all with a grain of salt and it's a good window
00:31:43.109 --> 00:31:46.170
into that person, but it's not the end all be
00:31:46.170 --> 00:31:48.910
all. It's not exactly like the blueprint, right?
00:31:49.089 --> 00:31:52.849
And so we have to, as leaders, be wise and then
00:31:52.849 --> 00:31:55.049
maybe ask them some further clarifying questions
00:31:55.049 --> 00:31:57.490
based upon the things that you see from those
00:31:57.490 --> 00:32:00.400
assessments. But yeah, there's such a great tool
00:32:00.400 --> 00:32:03.200
for someone who is hiring and looking to take
00:32:03.200 --> 00:32:05.299
those next steps with their team or even with
00:32:05.299 --> 00:32:07.099
your existing team so that you can understand
00:32:07.099 --> 00:32:10.039
who they are better and to lead them in a way
00:32:10.039 --> 00:32:11.859
in which is going to speak to the core needs
00:32:11.859 --> 00:32:14.180
and the core motives that that employee has.
00:32:14.799 --> 00:32:18.059
Yeah, absolutely. That is so true. And I know
00:32:18.059 --> 00:32:21.519
we were speaking about off camera about the tendency
00:32:21.519 --> 00:32:25.160
to, and specifically your personality, to...
00:32:25.500 --> 00:32:28.460
move straight into business as you worded it
00:32:28.460 --> 00:32:32.059
right yeah and going wait yeah it's it's it's
00:32:32.059 --> 00:32:34.480
not just polite but it's helpful to some personality
00:32:34.480 --> 00:32:37.279
types to like acknowledge the person first that
00:32:37.279 --> 00:32:40.559
sounds so like dry and mean but like i'll say
00:32:40.559 --> 00:32:42.880
this in our marriage because we're so different
00:32:43.309 --> 00:32:45.529
I've learned things from your strengths, right?
00:32:45.650 --> 00:32:49.630
From a type A. And likewise, you've learned from
00:32:49.630 --> 00:32:53.190
me in like the people arena and understanding
00:32:53.190 --> 00:32:55.109
things aren't always black and white. They're
00:32:55.109 --> 00:32:58.130
sometimes on a sliding scale and a little more
00:32:58.130 --> 00:33:00.630
nuanced maybe as a way to frame that, right?
00:33:00.789 --> 00:33:03.710
And so what's funny about you saying that about
00:33:03.710 --> 00:33:06.710
this and having to be like conscious to, you
00:33:06.710 --> 00:33:09.640
know. how are you and how are you doing? And
00:33:09.640 --> 00:33:12.500
then, then getting into what you need from in
00:33:12.500 --> 00:33:14.339
the, you know, it's, this is a professional context.
00:33:14.440 --> 00:33:16.480
We're here to get work done. So we're not here
00:33:16.480 --> 00:33:18.799
to just, you know, small talk all day. What's
00:33:18.799 --> 00:33:21.819
funny about that is like, I too find this challenging
00:33:21.819 --> 00:33:26.180
because I have moved more towards a type A in
00:33:26.180 --> 00:33:29.079
certain contexts at work because I know things
00:33:29.079 --> 00:33:31.519
need to get done. Right. And, and I get into
00:33:31.519 --> 00:33:35.220
that A to B mode, completion mode. And, and sometimes,
00:33:35.319 --> 00:33:38.049
you know, you're just, sending emails, texting
00:33:38.049 --> 00:33:41.230
people. And I can see where that would be abrupt
00:33:41.230 --> 00:33:43.950
versus like, hey, how are you? Hope you're having
00:33:43.950 --> 00:33:47.049
a great day. I sometimes feel like that's disingenuine
00:33:47.049 --> 00:33:49.690
for me to, and I'm all about being genuine. Like
00:33:49.690 --> 00:33:51.789
I feel like that engaging in that small talk
00:33:51.789 --> 00:33:55.529
makes it seem even more so like, let me flip
00:33:55.529 --> 00:33:58.730
it. Sometimes when I feel like someone's asking
00:33:58.730 --> 00:34:01.210
me those questions, I don't feel like they really
00:34:01.210 --> 00:34:04.250
care. I'm already asking myself, what do you
00:34:04.250 --> 00:34:07.599
want? Right. And maybe it's been because I've
00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:11.480
had certain employees before who are disingenuous
00:34:11.480 --> 00:34:14.860
with that and almost like buttery. They're like,
00:34:14.940 --> 00:34:18.079
oh my gosh, you look so good today. How are you?
00:34:18.119 --> 00:34:20.840
Wow. And you're like, all right, laying it on
00:34:20.840 --> 00:34:23.119
thick today. You must need something big. And
00:34:23.119 --> 00:34:26.460
so it's a challenge for me to find that balance.
00:34:26.659 --> 00:34:29.199
There's those people that you know don't need
00:34:29.199 --> 00:34:31.440
or value that. So you can just be like, hey,
00:34:31.539 --> 00:34:33.300
I need this. They're like, perfect. Here you
00:34:33.300 --> 00:34:36.590
go. Thanks. High five. Walk away. Right. So how
00:34:36.590 --> 00:34:38.750
has this been for you? That's obviously your
00:34:38.750 --> 00:34:41.530
natural default. So how's that balance been to
00:34:41.530 --> 00:34:45.030
you? Yeah. So it took some time to learn for
00:34:45.030 --> 00:34:48.269
sure. I'll never forget one of my first year,
00:34:48.389 --> 00:34:51.510
year and a half in this role. We did like a little
00:34:51.510 --> 00:34:53.090
offsite thing and talked about personalities
00:34:53.090 --> 00:34:55.150
and some different things and something that
00:34:55.150 --> 00:34:57.530
like, something that we all went around the room
00:34:57.530 --> 00:35:02.469
and told each other like, hey, this really like
00:35:02.469 --> 00:35:05.309
rubs up against me or hey, like this is really
00:35:05.309 --> 00:35:07.070
hard for me to take when you do this. And I'll
00:35:07.070 --> 00:35:08.449
never forget one of the managers being like,
00:35:08.570 --> 00:35:11.730
yeah, you're just a harsh startup, right? Like
00:35:11.730 --> 00:35:14.110
you just come in and like, we go shh. straight
00:35:14.110 --> 00:35:17.449
for the punch, right? There's no like, buttering
00:35:17.449 --> 00:35:19.989
you up or like, yeah, even acknowledging like,
00:35:20.050 --> 00:35:21.550
hey, you might have been in the middle of something
00:35:21.550 --> 00:35:24.849
or you know, whatever. And so that was really
00:35:24.849 --> 00:35:27.349
kind of an eye opening thing for me. And so really
00:35:27.349 --> 00:35:32.269
tried to come at it of like, or texting them
00:35:32.269 --> 00:35:34.389
and saying, hey, when you have a minute, will
00:35:34.389 --> 00:35:36.349
you call me? I need some help with something
00:35:36.349 --> 00:35:40.750
or hey, I could use help on this or asking questions
00:35:40.750 --> 00:35:43.750
rather than just jumping in with gusto right
00:35:43.750 --> 00:35:46.670
or if i'm gonna go see them and asking hey can
00:35:46.670 --> 00:35:49.650
i come in and see you maybe at 2 15 this afternoon
00:35:49.650 --> 00:35:51.170
i have something that i need some help with right
00:35:51.170 --> 00:35:54.170
like setting that expectation because i also
00:35:54.170 --> 00:35:58.010
know that in my a to b red personality type i
00:35:58.010 --> 00:36:01.230
may be so deeply in the middle of something that
00:36:01.230 --> 00:36:04.030
you walk in and need something else my brain
00:36:04.030 --> 00:36:07.510
takes a minute to pivot and pull up out of whatever
00:36:07.510 --> 00:36:10.190
deep dive usually auditing something that i'm
00:36:10.190 --> 00:36:13.010
doing in the office to help address whatever
00:36:13.010 --> 00:36:16.050
it is that you need. And so if I want that same
00:36:16.050 --> 00:36:19.409
respect, I need to give that back to other managers,
00:36:19.530 --> 00:36:22.710
to other employees. And so how do I best communicate
00:36:22.710 --> 00:36:27.210
that? And people need to feel seen and acknowledged
00:36:27.210 --> 00:36:30.030
and heard, and then they will move heaven and
00:36:30.030 --> 00:36:33.369
earth to help you, right? And so how do we, with
00:36:33.369 --> 00:36:36.590
intention and not in a fake kind of a way, because
00:36:36.590 --> 00:36:39.349
while I am all about A to B and getting the tasks
00:36:39.349 --> 00:36:42.309
done, I do genuinely care about other people
00:36:42.309 --> 00:36:45.519
and it's not about just using them or... running
00:36:45.519 --> 00:36:48.059
them over or what do I need from them to accomplish
00:36:48.059 --> 00:36:50.960
my task, right? And so I have to actually stop
00:36:50.960 --> 00:36:55.199
and slow down and show people that I need you
00:36:55.199 --> 00:36:58.440
and that I care about you and that you are important
00:36:58.440 --> 00:37:02.920
to me. And so I think it's this, for me at least,
00:37:02.940 --> 00:37:07.800
it's been a conscious slowdown and to be aware
00:37:07.800 --> 00:37:10.739
to actually see people and then ask a question
00:37:10.739 --> 00:37:14.030
that I genuinely want the answer to. Right. Not
00:37:14.030 --> 00:37:16.670
just this like fake fluffy, all the things. Right.
00:37:16.710 --> 00:37:18.769
Or not trying to butter them up, but genuinely
00:37:18.769 --> 00:37:22.630
conveying, hey, I care about you and I could
00:37:22.630 --> 00:37:24.949
I could use your help in this moment. I love
00:37:24.949 --> 00:37:26.489
that you brought that up, that exercise that
00:37:26.489 --> 00:37:28.809
we had that was really eye opening. Right. And
00:37:28.809 --> 00:37:31.590
it was it was an exercise. I believe that we
00:37:31.590 --> 00:37:34.429
shared the thing, the one strength that everyone
00:37:34.429 --> 00:37:37.699
found very valuable. from that person, the rule
00:37:37.699 --> 00:37:39.860
was you couldn't reply with anything but thank
00:37:39.860 --> 00:37:42.099
you, right? And then the most difficult part
00:37:42.099 --> 00:37:46.780
of that was having everyone share with you the
00:37:46.780 --> 00:37:49.679
one limitation that was the most impactful for
00:37:49.679 --> 00:37:52.920
them about you, right? When you do this, this
00:37:52.920 --> 00:37:55.880
is what happens. And all you could say was thank
00:37:55.880 --> 00:37:58.559
you. And going around a room where everyone's
00:37:58.559 --> 00:38:01.679
sharing something that is challenging for them
00:38:01.679 --> 00:38:04.400
about you is definitely, man, when you're willing
00:38:04.400 --> 00:38:06.829
to listen to that criticism, I remember it being
00:38:06.829 --> 00:38:10.150
really powerful. One of our managers worked really
00:38:10.150 --> 00:38:14.070
hard for like a year on the specific thing that
00:38:14.070 --> 00:38:16.150
we mentioned. And I remember how proud he was
00:38:16.150 --> 00:38:19.789
when we did an exercise that was similar. And
00:38:19.789 --> 00:38:22.949
he says, so here's a win. Nobody mentioned that
00:38:22.949 --> 00:38:26.630
this time. And like, he was so happy about that.
00:38:26.730 --> 00:38:29.730
And yeah, props to him. And that goes to show
00:38:29.730 --> 00:38:32.400
the value of listening, right? And the other
00:38:32.400 --> 00:38:35.880
thing that I wanted to highlight about our experience
00:38:35.880 --> 00:38:37.579
specifically, because we've drilled into this
00:38:37.579 --> 00:38:40.699
like every year for the last six years, I feel
00:38:40.699 --> 00:38:44.579
like, is that in our business, there are a ton
00:38:44.579 --> 00:38:47.900
of type A's. And what's been really cool about
00:38:47.900 --> 00:38:50.820
that is we've been able to see all the different
00:38:50.820 --> 00:38:54.380
types of one personality type, right? So if we
00:38:54.380 --> 00:38:57.320
use a color code, for example, type A's are generally
00:38:57.320 --> 00:39:00.170
reds. And we've seen... I mean, I want to say
00:39:00.170 --> 00:39:03.070
now with everyone that's been on the team over
00:39:03.070 --> 00:39:06.570
the last six years, we've probably seen around
00:39:06.570 --> 00:39:10.210
seven or eight reds, right? And all of them have
00:39:10.210 --> 00:39:13.050
had different mixes of strength and limitations.
00:39:13.429 --> 00:39:15.949
And so talk to us specifically. I mean, you are
00:39:15.949 --> 00:39:19.170
a red. So talk us through specifically how these
00:39:19.170 --> 00:39:22.239
kinds of exercises have helped you. build those
00:39:22.239 --> 00:39:24.840
bridges with other reds and the things that have
00:39:24.840 --> 00:39:28.000
also surprised you in like, I didn't expect you're
00:39:28.000 --> 00:39:30.519
like me, but I didn't expect you to have that
00:39:30.519 --> 00:39:33.360
version of this. Yeah. There's so many nuances
00:39:33.360 --> 00:39:37.019
within each, uh, within each personality type
00:39:37.019 --> 00:39:39.940
and so many different strengths and so many different
00:39:39.940 --> 00:39:43.139
limitations that live within that color that
00:39:43.139 --> 00:39:46.780
very rarely is one person going to have all of
00:39:46.780 --> 00:39:49.070
like, you're not going to have all. strengths
00:39:49.070 --> 00:39:51.230
and all limitations of that entire color. And
00:39:51.230 --> 00:39:53.610
so it's about finding common ground, first of
00:39:53.610 --> 00:39:57.230
all, and going, okay, we share this desire as
00:39:57.230 --> 00:40:02.090
a red to do X, Y, and Z, right? But then we also
00:40:02.090 --> 00:40:05.030
share this same limitation. So how do we not
00:40:05.030 --> 00:40:07.269
feed each other's limitations? How do we help
00:40:07.269 --> 00:40:10.349
shore that up? How do we help point out when
00:40:10.349 --> 00:40:13.610
the other person is reverting back to this limitation
00:40:13.610 --> 00:40:15.489
that they maybe have worked on? And how do we
00:40:15.489 --> 00:40:17.969
help do that together? What's interesting is
00:40:18.030 --> 00:40:20.010
because there's so many different strengths and
00:40:20.010 --> 00:40:22.389
limitations within each color that even reds
00:40:22.389 --> 00:40:25.010
don't always communicate the same way right i
00:40:25.010 --> 00:40:27.889
have another colleague at work who's just as
00:40:27.889 --> 00:40:30.849
right as i am but we don't always communicate
00:40:30.849 --> 00:40:33.630
in the same way and so we've had to learn to
00:40:34.170 --> 00:40:36.510
Over the years, work through that and find a
00:40:36.510 --> 00:40:39.929
common way of communicating. And then to be willing
00:40:39.929 --> 00:40:42.150
to admit like, hey, I didn't handle that right.
00:40:42.210 --> 00:40:44.250
Or hey, I was wrong about this situation. Or
00:40:44.250 --> 00:40:46.949
oh, hey, X, Y, and Z. And I think that that's
00:40:46.949 --> 00:40:48.710
one of the things that sets people apart is when
00:40:48.710 --> 00:40:52.170
you can acknowledge and apologize for the ways
00:40:52.170 --> 00:40:55.090
in which that you have lived in this limitation
00:40:55.090 --> 00:40:57.570
for a hot minute. Or oh, hey, I handled this
00:40:57.570 --> 00:41:02.130
situation in a not. great manner. Being able
00:41:02.130 --> 00:41:04.909
to apologize for that, no matter your personality
00:41:04.909 --> 00:41:09.909
type, is a huge, huge, huge thing. But I think
00:41:09.909 --> 00:41:14.929
also on the other hand, it helps us see the differences
00:41:14.929 --> 00:41:17.670
within each other and to just have a deeper and
00:41:17.670 --> 00:41:19.809
better understanding of that. There have been
00:41:19.809 --> 00:41:22.789
times that I have been very surprised at a color
00:41:22.789 --> 00:41:26.960
that a certain employee was or at the core of
00:41:26.960 --> 00:41:29.500
who what motivated them and then once I started
00:41:29.500 --> 00:41:33.539
looking at that I went oh I do see that pop up
00:41:33.539 --> 00:41:37.719
from time to time right or maybe outside of work
00:41:37.719 --> 00:41:41.940
they are that person but in work they have learned
00:41:41.940 --> 00:41:44.679
to become what they thought that the role that
00:41:44.679 --> 00:41:49.000
they were in required of them and to learn to
00:41:49.000 --> 00:41:50.760
live in the strengths of whatever, maybe it's
00:41:50.760 --> 00:41:52.300
a secondary color, right? But they've learned
00:41:52.300 --> 00:41:54.199
to live in the strengths of that secondary color
00:41:54.199 --> 00:41:57.260
in this specific instance and in this workplace.
00:41:57.539 --> 00:42:00.239
And so it gives me a whole nother view of who
00:42:00.239 --> 00:42:02.800
they are and an understanding of really this
00:42:02.800 --> 00:42:07.960
whole person, right? Because we are all so, we
00:42:07.960 --> 00:42:10.519
have so many facets and so many depths and so
00:42:10.519 --> 00:42:13.019
many layers to each of us that it isn't going
00:42:13.019 --> 00:42:14.880
to be this one size fits all. But I think it
00:42:14.880 --> 00:42:18.079
just gives us this broader scope. of the people
00:42:18.079 --> 00:42:19.760
that we work with, the people that we are in
00:42:19.760 --> 00:42:22.539
relationships with, our friends and our family,
00:42:22.659 --> 00:42:25.420
like how do we help understand each other the
00:42:25.420 --> 00:42:27.639
best and all of those unique gifts that we have
00:42:27.639 --> 00:42:30.840
that we bring to the table so that we can work
00:42:30.840 --> 00:42:34.800
incredibly well together and keep momentum moving
00:42:34.800 --> 00:42:37.619
forward to accomplish whatever the task is that
00:42:37.619 --> 00:42:40.059
we have been given in whatever roles it is that
00:42:40.059 --> 00:42:48.630
we have. On these personality assessments, whichever
00:42:48.630 --> 00:42:51.010
one you want to play around with, a lot of times
00:42:51.010 --> 00:42:55.219
they will give you sections. of your type and
00:42:55.219 --> 00:42:58.940
how you could possibly be as a boss or how you
00:42:58.940 --> 00:43:01.239
could be as an employee or a spouse and then
00:43:01.239 --> 00:43:03.260
they'll also have different sections where you
00:43:03.260 --> 00:43:05.900
can you know obviously if you have someone else's
00:43:05.900 --> 00:43:07.679
assessment like maybe you're you know if you
00:43:07.679 --> 00:43:09.980
do this in a group setting you could have access
00:43:09.980 --> 00:43:12.000
to your boss's assessments you could kind of
00:43:12.000 --> 00:43:14.619
read those kinds of things about them which is
00:43:14.619 --> 00:43:17.639
very insightful and then in addition there are
00:43:17.639 --> 00:43:21.079
some some combinations that can tell you like,
00:43:21.179 --> 00:43:23.860
hey, if you're a blue, marry, do a red, right?
00:43:23.960 --> 00:43:26.679
Or if you're this personality type and this is
00:43:26.679 --> 00:43:28.719
your employee or whatever that combination is,
00:43:28.760 --> 00:43:31.579
sometimes it'll give you a mixture of those two
00:43:31.579 --> 00:43:34.159
and kind of describe some of the experiences
00:43:34.159 --> 00:43:37.079
you might have with that person. And some of
00:43:37.079 --> 00:43:39.670
that's my favorite reading. It's not telling
00:43:39.670 --> 00:43:42.369
you, it's funny because it often tells you things
00:43:42.369 --> 00:43:44.409
you already know, but it helps normalize. It
00:43:44.409 --> 00:43:46.909
helps bring a light to maybe some of the whys
00:43:46.909 --> 00:43:48.650
in your experience. Because you're like, man,
00:43:48.730 --> 00:43:50.690
like, why is this always a tough thing? Or why
00:43:50.690 --> 00:43:52.869
are we always clashing in this way? And then
00:43:52.869 --> 00:43:54.869
if it answers that why, then you're like, okay.
00:43:55.190 --> 00:43:58.510
And that clarity can give you some, can sometimes
00:43:58.510 --> 00:44:01.929
give you reprieve in that conflict, to be honest.
00:44:02.090 --> 00:44:04.889
And so I think that's really, really been helpful
00:44:04.889 --> 00:44:08.940
to me. in really diving into, you know, our management
00:44:08.940 --> 00:44:11.380
team personalities over the years. And now in
00:44:11.380 --> 00:44:14.519
the age of AI, I mean, you can really plug in
00:44:14.519 --> 00:44:17.639
multiple assessments if you have access to those
00:44:17.639 --> 00:44:19.539
and say, you know, like, hey, what are going
00:44:19.539 --> 00:44:22.079
to be our biggest challenges as a team? What
00:44:22.079 --> 00:44:25.059
are going to be the things that we can, the foundational
00:44:25.059 --> 00:44:28.480
things that are good that we can build on top
00:44:28.480 --> 00:44:31.719
of? Those kinds of conversations can be, again,
00:44:31.820 --> 00:44:34.650
really, really eye -opening because Again, let's
00:44:34.650 --> 00:44:37.969
face it, a lot of these assessments are 20 to
00:44:37.969 --> 00:44:41.530
50 pages long. And if you're going to have to
00:44:41.530 --> 00:44:44.889
read eight of them for your team, that can be
00:44:44.889 --> 00:44:47.349
a little, maybe a little challenging, some light
00:44:47.349 --> 00:44:51.050
reading. And so you can plug those into AI and
00:44:51.050 --> 00:44:53.110
have some really, really insightful conversations.
00:44:54.280 --> 00:44:56.840
Yeah, this can be a real huge game changer. Some
00:44:56.840 --> 00:44:59.960
of the biggest things to remember is it does
00:44:59.960 --> 00:45:03.579
start with you. That focus needs to be on you.
00:45:03.679 --> 00:45:06.119
How can I meet this person? How can I build a
00:45:06.119 --> 00:45:09.760
bridge? How can I understand myself and them
00:45:09.760 --> 00:45:12.360
and how we interact with one another? This week,
00:45:12.400 --> 00:45:15.280
I would encourage you to, if you have the ability,
00:45:15.340 --> 00:45:18.679
to pick one person that maybe identify as someone
00:45:18.679 --> 00:45:21.139
you struggle to communicate with or maybe someone
00:45:21.139 --> 00:45:24.739
that you... frequently judging or bumping up
00:45:24.739 --> 00:45:27.079
against. Are you close enough with them that
00:45:27.079 --> 00:45:29.900
you guys can do some sort of personality exercise
00:45:29.900 --> 00:45:33.619
together? A lot of these are free. The 16 personalities
00:45:33.619 --> 00:45:36.539
that we'll link is one that is free. The color
00:45:36.539 --> 00:45:39.320
code is free for the first color. There are four
00:45:39.320 --> 00:45:42.719
total colors. Everyone has a combination of all
00:45:42.719 --> 00:45:46.099
four, usually. So you can get your dominant color
00:45:46.099 --> 00:45:50.630
and brief assessment for no charge as well. And
00:45:50.630 --> 00:45:53.409
there are so many others like the Enneagram and
00:45:53.409 --> 00:45:56.690
so many more. So finding out what their core
00:45:56.690 --> 00:46:00.710
motivators are and how you can plug into making
00:46:00.710 --> 00:46:03.210
that relationship, whether it's one that is at
00:46:03.210 --> 00:46:06.670
work or one that is at home, more fruitful and
00:46:06.670 --> 00:46:09.989
beneficial for both of you. Thanks for listening
00:46:09.989 --> 00:46:12.590
to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. Remember, growth
00:46:12.590 --> 00:46:15.269
happens when you take action. So subscribe, share
00:46:15.269 --> 00:46:17.489
this with a friend, and most importantly, put
00:46:17.489 --> 00:46:19.769
what you learned into practice. Until next time,
00:46:19.849 --> 00:46:22.630
keep moving forward because as we know, daily
00:46:22.630 --> 00:46:24.429
anything changes everything.