WEBVTT
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Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
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Josh Negron, and this show is all about sharing
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lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
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thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
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to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
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Welcome back to the show. Today I'm back with
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my wife, Ashley, and we'd like to discuss optimizing
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friendships. So right now is obviously a time
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where meaningful connection seems to be something
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that is more and more difficult to find. In this
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most connected time we've ever had, people describe
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being more lonely, anxious, and depressed than
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ever before. And so we'd like to walk through
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some of the challenges of connection these days
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and then go into some practical steps on how
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to find and optimize meaningful relationships.
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So Ashley, welcome back to the show. Hello, excited
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to do this again. Yeah, absolutely. So we want
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to walk through some of the modern challenges
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of friendships and connections these days. I
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mean, obviously the number one glaring thing
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is the convenience of online relationships, not
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that they can never be meaningful, but it seems
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to be pervasive of this like surface level, context
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dependent, seasonal type relationship. How do
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you think that that kind of hurts us in connection?
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Yeah, it's easy to think like you think about
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like, oh, Facebook says you have this many friends,
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right? So it's kind of like rewired the definition
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of friends. I've always heard like friendships
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is like the rings or ripple effect in a circle,
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right? So on the inside, you have your most intimate
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friends and then you have maybe another set of
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friends outside of that. And then you have acquaintances
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and then you have like people you're connected
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with because of other people. And so I think
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because of things like Facebook, it's easy to
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think that you have more relationships and have
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more friends than what you really do have. Friendships
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can mean a variety of different things. Sometimes,
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you know, people come into our lives for seasons
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for certain reasons. And, you know, I'll never
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forget a friend of ours saying that, you know,
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she knows that there's certain people that came
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into her life for only a certain season. And
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that was the reason they were brought in. Or
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maybe there was some lesson to be learned from
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that relationship. And so we have to look at
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friendships differently and be sure that we have
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and prioritize the right people in our lives.
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Yeah, absolutely. And obviously right now you
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can't mention social media without mentioning
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the extreme divisiveness on social media, especially
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Facebook. There's some other mediums that are
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a little bit less that way. I know Instagram
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is your choice because it's not as divisive,
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right? Yeah, for sure. Correct. And I just stay
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off of X altogether. That's probably wise. So
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also there's additional obstacles like busyness.
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Now, this is just the life that we're in, you
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know, that the empty space gets filled by so
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many things. And so carving out time for friends
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is just as difficult and important, though, as,
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you know, carving out time for fitness and other
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important habits and things like that. There's
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also challenges of unhealthy relationships and
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expectations. We all have baggage of some sort
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and that baggage extends into our relationships.
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So we have all sorts of dynamics like performance
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relationships where people are in relationships
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specifically to get something out for them. And
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you have other people who are people pleasers
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and what some therapists call love addicts. And
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so they give love and they give of themselves.
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They don't say no so they can get approval, affection
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and those kinds of things. The need in search
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for validation. There's also Things like scorekeeping,
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which can happen even in a marriage where it's
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like, well, I did this last time or I've done
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all these things. And that's really just unhealthy
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type of behavior. And there can even be dynamics
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in relationships such as, you know, access expectations.
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There's those people who get offended if you
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don't respond to their text message immediately
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and they expect to have access to you 24 -7.
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And then that's some measure of importance in
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the relationship. And finally, there's things
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like trauma bonding. So there's unhealthy. relationships
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that are forged through complaining and drama
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and gossip and those kinds of negative things,
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right? And so those relationships are really
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kind of forged in those negative emotions. So
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when you're looking to optimize your life, when
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you're looking to grow and improve yourself,
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those don't tend to be the most fruitful relationships.
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And then when you do grow, those are the kinds
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of friends that guilt or punish you for your
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growth and say things like, well, Ashley, you've
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changed. Yes. Yes, I have. And so there comes
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out that phrase where show me your closest five
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relationships and I'll show you who you are or.
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who you will become. And so we're starting to
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recognize that these are extremely important
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things to consider when you're looking to grow,
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improve yourself, and become the best version
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of yourself that you can be, like Glenn Lundy
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said in the last episode. That's what we were
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meant to be, the best version, not an average
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version, not an okay version, not a worst version,
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but the best version that we can possibly be.
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So Ashley, can you share with us what that five
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closest relationships phrase has taught you in
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your relationships? Yeah, it's so important to
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have people who are in your corner as your closest
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friends. You know, be sure that those closest
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friends are people who align with the direction
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that you want to go in life, but aren't afraid
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to call you out when they see you making a mistake
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or maybe having an attitude or an approach to
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something that they're like, hey, have you ever
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thought about this from another from another
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angle? You don't want just people. who are going
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to be all yes -men in your life. You want friends
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who are going to help you to grow. You want friends
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who are willing to walk through the deepest valleys
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with you. You know, life is going to be hard.
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And so you want people, those five closest people,
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to be people who you know are going to show up
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and who you will show up for. You want it to
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be like this push -pull in a relationship, right?
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We've talked about that push -pull in other ways,
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you know, in marriage and in those kinds of things.
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But you also want that in friendship. friendships
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as well you know you're gonna have seasons where
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you have more to give than what they may and
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then there may be times that they have seasons
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um you know where they have more to give and
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you need them to show up and you need them in
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your corner and so You want, yeah, going to be
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there for you, who are going to show up and then
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who aren't afraid to say the hard things to you.
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And I think those are the things that have struck
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out to me and in building our closest friendships.
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I totally agree. And so if you're thinking there.
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Man, I don't know what that particularly looks
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like for me. There are some audit questions that
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you can ask yourself. Do you feel like those
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relationships call you to be better, to improve?
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Do you feel like they are honest with you? Do
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you have conflict with them where they challenge
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you, where they tell you where you were wrong?
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Or do you feel like they're agreeable? Like Ashley
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said, do you feel like they're just yes men?
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They constantly agree with you and don't challenge
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you. And then do you, an easy gauge is, do you
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feel energized? when you're with them, or do
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you feel drained? Now, I get it. Some of you
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are extreme introverts out there, and you're
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like, I feel drained anytime I'm with anybody.
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And that's not a constant gauge for each interaction
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with everybody doesn't always either energize
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or de -energize you. But I'm talking more overall
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in that specific relationship over time. And
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are they consistent in character, right? Like,
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is this somebody that you can depend on in multiple
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avenues? Like Ashley said, if you have a lot
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of no answers to your circle, then you may need
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to reconsider. Yeah. And so as a result to that,
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it is important to be selective, right? I mean,
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if those people are going to shape your future
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and who you are. then that's going to be important
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on a lot of avenues. Who you are is going to
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affect your work, going to affect your personal
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life, your finances, a lot of these decisions
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that you're going to make throughout your life.
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And so it's pretty critical to be selective.
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And it's not wrong to be selective. So it's funny
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because I've been a part of a lot of people's
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lives where they have made the decision to make
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their lives better. There comes a time frequently
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where I've walked through this with people where
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they realize there's particular relationships
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that they have to either establish some clear
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boundaries with, decrease time spent, or worst
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of all, eliminate them entirely. I've walked
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through several people who have had these conversations
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with me and they're like, man, it's become clear
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to me that this person is not going to grow.
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They're not going to change despite previous
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conversations that I think they should. And it
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would be best for them, but also us and really
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anyone around them. And they realize that that's
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not going to be a reality for them in the near
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future. And unfortunately, they're going to have
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to decrease their proximity to that individual.
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And so as a result, boundaries are not punishment.
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They are a protection for you and your family.
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And so that's something that's really important
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to remember because that's probably the hardest
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thing when you have somebody that you've been
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close to for a long time and you're realizing
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that maybe the sun has set on that relationship
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because it's no longer a blessing to you and
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to anyone else. And so... You know, you need
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to ask yourself, do I need to adjust access?
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Do I need to have a conversation with them? Or
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do I need to just end that relationship because
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it's no longer beneficial? So in that conversation,
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we've done a lot of focusing on the other person,
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right? Like that's looking at ourselves like,
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you know, are you worthy to be my friend? So
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I'd like to flip the script here too. Like, can
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you actually handle a good friend? Because a
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good friend is going to be somebody that can
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contend with you, that has their own opinions,
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that is going to have boundaries and challenge
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you to be better, tell you the truth when you
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don't want to hear it, probably especially when
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you don't want to hear it. And it's going to
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be likely somebody that... will hurt you at times.
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I know Cody Walker, our pastor, said in a message
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recently that the distinguishing factor when
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someone you care about hurts you that he learned
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from his mentor a long time ago was, did they
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say things that hurt or did they say things to
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hurt? I thought that was a really cool distinction
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to be able to tell the difference, you know,
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using the law of positive intent and things that
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we've discussed before. But all of those things
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take some mental strength to understand, to not
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react to someone who is a formidable, strong
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-willed friend. You know, are you able to receive
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feedback and engage in that kind of relationship?
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Ashley, walk us through, you know, you've I mean,
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you've had all sorts of friendships over the
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years. So what what does this look like to be
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able to handle having a healthy, good friend
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for us? Yeah, I think a lot of times it's those
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things that you mentioned, right? Like it's assuming
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the law of positive intent and that they have
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your best interests at heart and they want you
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to grow and they want to push you to be better.
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They're not just trying to be mean. I also think
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that, you know, that comes with time and with
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trust. And trust is really only built with time
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and investment, right? So it's going to take
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like... years to forge friendships right those
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aren't going to happen overnight you know and
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and it's things like spending time breaking bread
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together it's things like playing games it's
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taking trips going on adventures you know whatever
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that that looks like for you in your current
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stage of life maybe it's that you know you became
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friends because your kids were friends and so
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um you know that that is your connection um and
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it could be friendships over a myriad of different
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things but I think that people want to rush the
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deepness straight into these deep friendships.
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But really, like any relationship, it just takes
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time. time. And so I think that's the biggest
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thing to realize and to know that it just, it
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takes investment, intentional investment. Just
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like any other relationship, good friendships
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take intentional investment. You know, one of
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the things that we've tried to do with people
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that we've been friends with for years is to
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try to make sure that we hang out at least a
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few times a year, right? That maybe before we
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leave the dinner table this time, we're going
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to already put another date on the calendar,
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or we're going to do... you know, we're going
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to try to hang out in three, four months because
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that's how busy that most of us are. You know,
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you start texting your friends, you're like,
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hey, when can we hang out? When can we have dinner?
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And it's like, no, because of all the things,
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it literally is like four months from now, right?
00:12:57.360 --> 00:12:59.960
And so you just, you have to be intentional and
00:12:59.960 --> 00:13:03.059
you have to invest time. We have a set of friends
00:13:03.059 --> 00:13:05.679
that we have been doing one night a week of dinner
00:13:05.679 --> 00:13:09.500
and games or just conversation for years now.
00:13:09.620 --> 00:13:12.889
Like I think we're on like, a decade. And the
00:13:12.889 --> 00:13:14.970
night that we do it has shifted and changed,
00:13:15.090 --> 00:13:18.590
right? But there is this consistent night that
00:13:18.590 --> 00:13:21.490
has been set aside to invest in our friendship
00:13:21.490 --> 00:13:23.889
and to invest in our relationship. And those
00:13:23.889 --> 00:13:26.570
are people that we know that no matter what are
00:13:26.570 --> 00:13:29.529
going to show up. They're in our corner. They're
00:13:29.529 --> 00:13:33.029
here for us. And so invest, be intentional, just
00:13:33.029 --> 00:13:34.929
like you would be in any other relationship.
00:13:35.549 --> 00:13:38.789
And I'd say that in asking the question, can
00:13:38.789 --> 00:13:41.429
you handle a good friend? There's this thing
00:13:41.429 --> 00:13:43.710
that I recognized in myself in the different
00:13:43.710 --> 00:13:46.889
relationships that I've had over the last two
00:13:46.889 --> 00:13:50.590
decades, being a blue on the color code personality
00:13:50.590 --> 00:13:55.309
type, a lot of my, a lot of my Closest relationships
00:13:55.309 --> 00:13:58.490
over the years have been dominant type A relationships.
00:13:58.950 --> 00:14:01.909
And I think as a general rule, type A's tend
00:14:01.909 --> 00:14:05.169
to be much lower on the emotional reactive scale
00:14:05.169 --> 00:14:08.669
than my personality type. I don't know if it
00:14:08.669 --> 00:14:11.190
was super intentional, at least initially, but
00:14:11.190 --> 00:14:14.169
I think subconsciously I recognize that the emotional
00:14:14.169 --> 00:14:17.710
volatility of those types of people was lower
00:14:17.710 --> 00:14:21.409
and they were willing to be more direct and transparent
00:14:21.409 --> 00:14:23.750
and honest with me. I mean, you're that way.
00:14:23.820 --> 00:14:27.100
And I think about a story back when I was in
00:14:27.100 --> 00:14:29.820
college almost 20 years ago. A shout out to Matt
00:14:29.820 --> 00:14:31.940
Johnson, the best man at my wedding many, many
00:14:31.940 --> 00:14:35.200
years ago. And he was a very brutally honest
00:14:35.200 --> 00:14:37.759
person. And that's something that I super valued,
00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:41.220
but definitely did not always enjoy. There's
00:14:41.220 --> 00:14:44.220
a memory that stuck out to me and still sticks
00:14:44.220 --> 00:14:47.460
with me in my transition to be more financially
00:14:47.460 --> 00:14:50.620
responsible. And it was a time when I was not
00:14:50.620 --> 00:14:53.019
managing my money properly in college. I wasn't
00:14:53.019 --> 00:14:55.309
paying. my student Bill, like I should have.
00:14:55.509 --> 00:14:57.649
And he knew being my roommate in college, he
00:14:57.649 --> 00:14:59.750
knew all the stress that I had financially and
00:14:59.750 --> 00:15:01.909
trying to make ends meet and working and also
00:15:01.909 --> 00:15:04.210
doing school. We went to Walmart together one
00:15:04.210 --> 00:15:06.509
night and I was getting ready to, you remember
00:15:06.509 --> 00:15:09.970
the cheap giant boxes at Walmart full of DVDs,
00:15:09.970 --> 00:15:12.070
you know, where you could pick up a whole bunch
00:15:12.070 --> 00:15:13.889
for people are like, what's a DVD? I'm like,
00:15:13.909 --> 00:15:16.870
I get it. And so, and I remember him saying,
00:15:17.149 --> 00:15:19.639
do you really need that? And he was like, man,
00:15:19.700 --> 00:15:21.200
the way you've been talking about all the stuff
00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:23.019
going on, you know, obviously a lot of shared
00:15:23.019 --> 00:15:25.120
context there. He didn't really have to say very
00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:28.600
much. But what he said was like very, very honest.
00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:30.940
And it was said out of care. It wasn't it wasn't
00:15:30.940 --> 00:15:33.639
said like Cody said. It wasn't said to hurt.
00:15:34.080 --> 00:15:37.299
It was what he said did hurt because he was definitely
00:15:37.299 --> 00:15:39.960
on to something. And and that's not something
00:15:39.960 --> 00:15:42.460
that I wanted to hear. Right. And so that's something
00:15:42.460 --> 00:15:44.460
that I think about when I think of can you handle
00:15:44.460 --> 00:15:46.779
being a good friend and can you handle a good
00:15:46.779 --> 00:15:48.919
friend in your life? Those are two very, very
00:15:48.919 --> 00:15:51.360
important questions because everyone wants a
00:15:51.360 --> 00:15:54.450
good friend. Right. I don't think everyone recognizes
00:15:54.450 --> 00:15:57.230
what a good friend actually does. And if they're
00:15:57.230 --> 00:16:00.830
willing to tolerate you not being the best version
00:16:00.830 --> 00:16:02.769
of yourself, if you're a drama queen, if you're
00:16:02.769 --> 00:16:05.009
constantly looking for blame or affirmation or
00:16:05.009 --> 00:16:07.889
looking for validation in others versus in the
00:16:07.889 --> 00:16:10.370
ways that you actually should that we discuss
00:16:10.370 --> 00:16:13.350
in other episodes, then I don't know if a lot
00:16:13.350 --> 00:16:14.549
of people are going to want to be your friend.
00:16:14.649 --> 00:16:17.149
Think of it this way. If everyone's looking for
00:16:17.149 --> 00:16:19.889
the top five best people that they can have in
00:16:19.889 --> 00:16:22.799
their circle, The responsibility on you is to
00:16:22.799 --> 00:16:24.600
be the best version of yourself that you can
00:16:24.600 --> 00:16:28.700
possibly be. Why? Because otherwise, you're probably
00:16:28.700 --> 00:16:31.340
not going to be chosen by somebody who's going
00:16:31.340 --> 00:16:33.919
to be a good friend to you. Does that make sense?
00:16:34.220 --> 00:16:38.200
And so how do you look and how do you find a
00:16:38.200 --> 00:16:40.879
good friend? I think something that is very often
00:16:40.879 --> 00:16:43.480
overlooked in this age of no responsibility is
00:16:43.480 --> 00:16:46.769
it starts with you. You have to strive to be
00:16:46.769 --> 00:16:49.149
the friend that you're looking for. So again,
00:16:49.250 --> 00:16:51.190
that means if people are selectively looking
00:16:51.190 --> 00:16:54.090
for their top five, are you somebody who's worthy
00:16:54.090 --> 00:16:56.850
to be chosen? So that's a super heavy question.
00:16:56.950 --> 00:16:59.330
We'll just leave that back there and then transition
00:16:59.330 --> 00:17:01.929
into what are some practical ways that people
00:17:01.929 --> 00:17:06.109
can find others to connect with? And so the first
00:17:06.109 --> 00:17:08.609
place is going to be what I'm going to label
00:17:08.609 --> 00:17:11.250
as practical arenas where you can find people,
00:17:11.269 --> 00:17:13.839
right? So those are like shared spaces. And so
00:17:13.839 --> 00:17:16.460
places of like shared mission, where you can
00:17:16.460 --> 00:17:19.799
find people who are into service or volunteering
00:17:19.799 --> 00:17:22.099
into the same things that you care about. Or
00:17:22.099 --> 00:17:23.960
maybe it's a shared discipline. This will be
00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:26.640
like gyms and training groups. This doesn't necessarily
00:17:26.640 --> 00:17:29.299
have to be something as crazy as CrossFit. But
00:17:29.299 --> 00:17:31.559
I do find that those kinds of things that we've
00:17:31.559 --> 00:17:34.819
discussed before, like a type of fitness class,
00:17:35.180 --> 00:17:38.559
yoga class, fighting class, jujitsu, stuff like
00:17:38.559 --> 00:17:41.660
that, any kind of like Group class is going to
00:17:41.660 --> 00:17:43.900
be something that can bond you with others very
00:17:43.900 --> 00:17:47.599
quickly, particularly if it's high stress, high
00:17:47.599 --> 00:17:51.000
effort. Those kinds of suffering, bonding kind
00:17:51.000 --> 00:17:53.059
of things can be super, super powerful. Then
00:17:53.059 --> 00:17:55.319
there's also shared values, right? So if you're
00:17:55.319 --> 00:17:59.059
a religious person, this is in your church or
00:17:59.059 --> 00:18:01.119
your religious groups, you can have a men or
00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:03.759
women's group or even a family group that meets
00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:06.299
regularly that you can forge relationships with.
00:18:06.480 --> 00:18:09.460
And then finally, shared. interests, shared hobbies.
00:18:09.700 --> 00:18:12.859
So what are things that you can do in the local
00:18:12.859 --> 00:18:15.920
community to find people of similar interests,
00:18:16.039 --> 00:18:19.240
whether that's painting, dancing, pottery, I
00:18:19.240 --> 00:18:21.279
don't know what it is, but in this day and age,
00:18:21.299 --> 00:18:23.440
there's more and more of these communities that
00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:26.319
you can find online to really find people with
00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:29.200
similar interests to connect with, right? Yeah,
00:18:29.259 --> 00:18:32.559
I love that concept of finding, you know, shared
00:18:32.559 --> 00:18:34.960
spaces together. Some of our dearest friends
00:18:34.960 --> 00:18:37.299
we met because we started going to the gym together,
00:18:37.480 --> 00:18:40.640
right? And so what started as this, oh, we're
00:18:40.640 --> 00:18:42.119
going to show up in the mornings and we're going
00:18:42.119 --> 00:18:44.779
to suffer together. And then it was like, oh,
00:18:44.799 --> 00:18:46.779
hey, we think you're cool. Do you guys want to
00:18:46.779 --> 00:18:48.740
hang out? Do you want to come over? Part of what
00:18:48.740 --> 00:18:50.440
really took that friendship to the next level
00:18:50.440 --> 00:18:53.640
was because during COVID time, we turned their
00:18:53.640 --> 00:18:57.460
barn garage into a gym and we all worked out
00:18:57.460 --> 00:19:00.269
together. We spent time together, right? And
00:19:00.269 --> 00:19:03.329
so that was forging a different... forging through,
00:19:03.369 --> 00:19:06.369
one would say, like a traumatic season of our
00:19:06.369 --> 00:19:08.289
lives, one that, you know, completely flipped
00:19:08.289 --> 00:19:10.470
it on its head. But then it turned it into this
00:19:10.470 --> 00:19:13.309
deeper friendship as the years have gone on.
00:19:13.430 --> 00:19:15.470
And so, you know, we've been friends for the
00:19:15.470 --> 00:19:18.089
last seven years. And as that time has gone on,
00:19:18.170 --> 00:19:21.349
like that friendship has just grown deeper and
00:19:21.349 --> 00:19:24.609
sweeter. And there are people that I know that
00:19:24.609 --> 00:19:28.490
I could call in an instant who would show up
00:19:28.490 --> 00:19:31.369
if they at all possibly could. But people who
00:19:31.369 --> 00:19:35.140
also love us and care about us and are invested
00:19:35.140 --> 00:19:38.460
in us. And we can have hard conversations. We
00:19:38.460 --> 00:19:40.859
don't agree about a lot of things, right? But
00:19:40.859 --> 00:19:45.000
that doesn't mean that we don't care deeply for
00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:49.359
each other and that we don't just continue to
00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:51.599
show up. And so I think, you know, tied back
00:19:51.599 --> 00:19:54.680
to our episode on grief, like you show up and
00:19:54.680 --> 00:19:58.140
you tell people that you love them. And so find
00:19:58.140 --> 00:20:00.500
people in those shared spaces. Don't be afraid
00:20:00.500 --> 00:20:03.119
to be the person to initiate. Hey, would you
00:20:03.119 --> 00:20:05.539
guys like to go to dinner sometime? Like be the
00:20:05.539 --> 00:20:09.940
person to ask. Don't be afraid to take that next
00:20:09.940 --> 00:20:12.460
step and to initiate that. You never know that
00:20:12.460 --> 00:20:15.019
those people may have just been waiting for someone
00:20:15.019 --> 00:20:19.160
to ask, right? And so be the first one. Don't
00:20:19.160 --> 00:20:22.359
be afraid. Find things to go do together. You
00:20:22.359 --> 00:20:24.579
never know what friendship will come out of just
00:20:24.579 --> 00:20:28.200
asking. And there's some practical things that
00:20:28.200 --> 00:20:31.980
you can do to try to grow. So if you go to these
00:20:31.980 --> 00:20:35.119
type of gatherings or groups, there's some additional
00:20:35.119 --> 00:20:37.599
practical things that you can do to kind of start
00:20:37.599 --> 00:20:39.859
to foster and develop these relationships. And
00:20:39.859 --> 00:20:42.559
there are three that I want to touch on. The
00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:45.380
first one being repeatability and consistency
00:20:45.380 --> 00:20:48.400
is going to be something that really makes a
00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:50.019
difference. Like Ashley said, there are certain
00:20:50.019 --> 00:20:52.579
relationships that we've done things weekly with
00:20:52.579 --> 00:20:55.859
for now going on a decade, that evening dinner
00:20:55.859 --> 00:20:59.240
that we set up. And then additionally, our CrossFit
00:20:59.240 --> 00:21:01.420
class, I mean, we've been going now for seven
00:21:01.420 --> 00:21:03.970
going on eight years, and that's... three to
00:21:03.970 --> 00:21:06.089
four days a week, and those are the same people,
00:21:06.150 --> 00:21:08.970
the same class, the same time of day. And so
00:21:08.970 --> 00:21:13.029
that repeatability, whether it's every day, every
00:21:13.029 --> 00:21:15.950
week, or even once a month, those kinds of things
00:21:15.950 --> 00:21:18.190
are going to grow that over time. We talk about
00:21:18.190 --> 00:21:21.069
daily anything changes everything, right? And
00:21:21.069 --> 00:21:24.509
so even in the proximity of relationships, speaking
00:21:24.509 --> 00:21:26.799
in that way, Those are going to be things that
00:21:26.799 --> 00:21:30.099
help you develop that over time. Number two is
00:21:30.099 --> 00:21:32.859
going to be asking great questions. I think this
00:21:32.859 --> 00:21:35.140
is super, super critical. The third one ties
00:21:35.140 --> 00:21:37.559
into that, really dovetails. But asking good
00:21:37.559 --> 00:21:40.259
questions. You know those types of people that
00:21:40.259 --> 00:21:42.980
are... that you get such a good feeling about
00:21:42.980 --> 00:21:44.819
when you're with them because you're like, man,
00:21:44.940 --> 00:21:47.480
they're really interested in me. When they're
00:21:47.480 --> 00:21:50.380
like, man, what do you like to do? What are you
00:21:50.380 --> 00:21:52.440
learning? What are you doing? And they're just
00:21:52.440 --> 00:21:55.480
very interested in you. And that makes all of
00:21:55.480 --> 00:21:58.819
us feel important, feel like someone cares about
00:21:58.819 --> 00:22:01.920
us. And so that's a super powerful thing if you
00:22:01.920 --> 00:22:05.000
can. figure out a way to ask really good questions.
00:22:05.160 --> 00:22:06.839
Now there's a balance when you're getting to
00:22:06.839 --> 00:22:09.220
know somebody. There are questions that I would
00:22:09.220 --> 00:22:12.799
classify as a little bit too nosy, a little too
00:22:12.799 --> 00:22:16.059
forward to be ones that are appropriate to ask.
00:22:16.259 --> 00:22:18.839
But if you show a humble heart and curiosity
00:22:18.839 --> 00:22:22.839
about someone, that can be really powerful in
00:22:22.839 --> 00:22:25.740
building a really good relationship. And the
00:22:25.740 --> 00:22:28.740
third one being, you need to shut up and listen.
00:22:29.410 --> 00:22:32.849
Right? I think everyone knows what it feels like
00:22:32.849 --> 00:22:35.430
when you're trying to share something about yourself
00:22:35.430 --> 00:22:38.609
and you get cut off by a know -it -all or a one
00:22:38.609 --> 00:22:41.029
-upper or someone that doesn't have the social
00:22:41.029 --> 00:22:45.799
awareness to listen. Right. And so and as you're
00:22:45.799 --> 00:22:47.960
talking to someone like that, there's usually
00:22:47.960 --> 00:22:49.960
multiple times where you try to get something
00:22:49.960 --> 00:22:52.980
in to connect with them. And if they just interrupt
00:22:52.980 --> 00:22:55.160
and keep talking about themselves, you kind of
00:22:55.160 --> 00:22:57.400
stop trying. Right. You're like, OK, I know what
00:22:57.400 --> 00:22:59.900
this is like. I'm just going to listen and they're
00:22:59.900 --> 00:23:02.299
going to talk about themselves. Awesome. And
00:23:02.299 --> 00:23:05.400
so there's this there's this thing where you
00:23:05.400 --> 00:23:08.380
don't want to be that person. Right. And so just
00:23:08.380 --> 00:23:12.000
be self -aware. Don't be the one constantly talking.
00:23:12.589 --> 00:23:14.849
I mean, just asking great questions and learning
00:23:14.849 --> 00:23:17.069
to listen are just so critical and important
00:23:17.069 --> 00:23:19.710
to building those kinds of relationships that
00:23:19.710 --> 00:23:22.690
I believe are going to be fruitful for you. I
00:23:22.690 --> 00:23:25.230
do think one other element that goes into that
00:23:25.230 --> 00:23:29.509
is, and this just came to me, but don't always
00:23:29.509 --> 00:23:32.269
be the person who complains about everything.
00:23:32.839 --> 00:23:35.319
I think that goes back to the habits of gratitude
00:23:35.319 --> 00:23:37.359
that we've talked about before, about looking
00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:39.259
to see the world differently. People don't like
00:23:39.259 --> 00:23:41.220
to be around someone who complains all the time.
00:23:41.339 --> 00:23:44.599
So don't be that friend who complains about everything,
00:23:44.779 --> 00:23:46.640
that nothing's ever right, nothing's ever good
00:23:46.640 --> 00:23:49.920
enough. Don't spend your time blaming other people,
00:23:50.059 --> 00:23:52.700
blaming the world, whatever. Be the friend who
00:23:52.700 --> 00:23:55.839
is positive and uplifting and seeks to see the
00:23:55.839 --> 00:23:57.960
world in a different kind of way. And that's
00:23:57.960 --> 00:24:00.000
just going to set yourself apart and help others
00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:02.269
to, like you said, pick you to be in there. their
00:24:02.269 --> 00:24:05.410
top five. And I think that's some good distinctions
00:24:05.410 --> 00:24:07.869
too. So like if we're looking at what are red
00:24:07.869 --> 00:24:10.789
flags in relationships versus green flags. So
00:24:10.789 --> 00:24:13.650
some red flags that I would look for in deciding
00:24:13.650 --> 00:24:17.349
who's in my circle. Is it someone who gossips
00:24:17.349 --> 00:24:19.910
a lot, has a victim mindset, maybe someone who's
00:24:19.910 --> 00:24:22.670
flaky or jealous or someone who maybe doesn't
00:24:22.670 --> 00:24:26.079
have good. boundaries, or you get the sense that
00:24:26.079 --> 00:24:29.140
maybe it's a little codependent or is kind of
00:24:29.140 --> 00:24:31.700
maybe in it for themselves or selfish in some
00:24:31.700 --> 00:24:33.880
way. And so these things are important things
00:24:33.880 --> 00:24:36.799
to be aware of. Some good qualities that you
00:24:36.799 --> 00:24:39.500
can look for is, you know, are they consistent?
00:24:39.680 --> 00:24:42.420
Are they humble? Do they genuinely seem interested
00:24:42.420 --> 00:24:45.180
in you? Are they someone who's been working on
00:24:45.180 --> 00:24:47.839
themselves, right? And, you know, are they accountable?
00:24:48.019 --> 00:24:50.319
Are they loyal? Those are some qualities that
00:24:50.319 --> 00:24:52.910
I would consider good things to look for. And
00:24:52.910 --> 00:24:56.309
along that line, like Ash, you mentioned earlier
00:24:56.309 --> 00:24:58.390
that it doesn't necessarily have to be someone
00:24:58.390 --> 00:25:00.869
who's thoroughly aligned with you in every aspect
00:25:00.869 --> 00:25:03.549
of life, no matter what. Right. I think that's
00:25:03.549 --> 00:25:05.950
super important in today's day and age. I think
00:25:05.950 --> 00:25:08.970
comedians are doing a good job of highlighting
00:25:08.970 --> 00:25:12.789
the binary nature of relationships right now
00:25:12.789 --> 00:25:15.910
that in order to have a quality relationship,
00:25:16.190 --> 00:25:18.490
you have to agree with me in every way. And if
00:25:18.490 --> 00:25:21.700
you say something weird. publicly or on Facebook
00:25:21.700 --> 00:25:24.799
or whatever, then just go ahead and unfriend
00:25:24.799 --> 00:25:27.099
me if I haven't unfriended you already. Those
00:25:27.099 --> 00:25:29.720
kinds of things, I think, are just ridiculous.
00:25:30.380 --> 00:25:33.819
I have plenty of friends that I have amazing
00:25:33.819 --> 00:25:36.279
relationships with that we disagree fundamentally
00:25:36.279 --> 00:25:39.160
on a lot of things. And that's not something
00:25:39.160 --> 00:25:41.640
that's a deal breaker for me, to be honest. And
00:25:41.640 --> 00:25:44.079
just because I know what they believe in one
00:25:44.079 --> 00:25:47.039
area, does not mean I assume what they believe
00:25:47.039 --> 00:25:48.720
in another area. And I think that's also very
00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:51.119
critically important that just because that I
00:25:51.119 --> 00:25:53.819
think assumptions do kill in that area. And so
00:25:53.819 --> 00:25:57.000
it's super important to remember. That, you know,
00:25:57.000 --> 00:25:58.740
you told me a long time ago, like we talked about
00:25:58.740 --> 00:26:00.700
in our marriage episode, you're allowed to have
00:26:00.700 --> 00:26:03.000
your own opinions. And there are some that we
00:26:03.000 --> 00:26:05.079
don't have to reconcile even in our marriage
00:26:05.079 --> 00:26:08.140
because they don't matter between the both of
00:26:08.140 --> 00:26:10.839
us. And so I think if you have a friendship,
00:26:11.240 --> 00:26:13.059
you should be able to respect the boundaries
00:26:13.059 --> 00:26:15.700
of their opinions and the things that they think.
00:26:15.740 --> 00:26:17.460
And that doesn't mean you can't discuss them
00:26:17.460 --> 00:26:19.759
or have a civil conversation or even a debate
00:26:19.759 --> 00:26:22.750
about it. But if you guys don't. arrive to the
00:26:22.750 --> 00:26:25.529
same conclusion, that's okay. Because I love
00:26:25.529 --> 00:26:27.930
actually getting to hear someone else's perspective,
00:26:28.109 --> 00:26:30.509
especially from someone that I love and respect.
00:26:30.829 --> 00:26:33.609
That's usually when I'd be most likely to listen
00:26:33.609 --> 00:26:36.509
to that perspective and try to understand it
00:26:36.509 --> 00:26:38.769
and go, well, that makes total sense. I can totally
00:26:38.769 --> 00:26:41.390
see why they view the world in that way. And
00:26:41.390 --> 00:26:43.750
that's super helpful. Doesn't necessarily mean
00:26:43.750 --> 00:26:47.009
that I subscribe to that perspective, but now
00:26:47.009 --> 00:26:49.279
I have an understanding. It's not just like,
00:26:49.299 --> 00:26:51.160
man, everyone who thinks that is stupid. What
00:26:51.160 --> 00:26:54.519
a shallow, assumptive way to see the world, right?
00:26:55.200 --> 00:26:57.480
So I hope this conversation has been helpful
00:26:57.480 --> 00:27:00.619
to you in evaluating your friendships. And maybe
00:27:00.619 --> 00:27:02.539
it's a blessing to be able to reflect on the
00:27:02.539 --> 00:27:05.960
healthy ones that have been very powerful. a
00:27:05.960 --> 00:27:08.220
blessing to you. If it's helped you shed light
00:27:08.220 --> 00:27:10.519
on certain relationships that you think you can
00:27:10.519 --> 00:27:13.640
help improve, or maybe set those boundaries to
00:27:13.640 --> 00:27:16.779
allow yourself to have more peace and get to
00:27:16.779 --> 00:27:19.140
the next level, especially this day and age where
00:27:19.140 --> 00:27:22.559
relationships seem to be a commodity that is
00:27:22.559 --> 00:27:25.900
more and more rare to find something of extreme
00:27:25.900 --> 00:27:30.180
value. Instead, it's more relationships of convenience
00:27:30.180 --> 00:27:33.420
that are not fulfilling and leave people feeling
00:27:33.420 --> 00:27:36.059
more lonely than ever. Thanks for listening to
00:27:36.059 --> 00:27:38.480
the Optimizing Beyond podcast. Remember, growth
00:27:38.480 --> 00:27:41.539
happens when you take action. So subscribe, share
00:27:41.539 --> 00:27:43.740
this with a friend, and most importantly, put
00:27:43.740 --> 00:27:45.940
what you learned into practice. Because as we
00:27:45.940 --> 00:27:57.279
know, daily anything changes everything. Welcome
00:27:57.279 --> 00:28:00.480
to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm Josh Negron,
00:28:00.500 --> 00:28:03.359
and this show is all about sharing lessons, ideas,
00:28:03.700 --> 00:28:06.839
and strategies that sharpen your thinking, strengthen
00:28:06.839 --> 00:28:09.920
your habits, and push you to grow beyond comfort
00:28:09.920 --> 00:28:11.619
zones. Let's dive in.
00:00:02.109 --> 00:00:05.169
Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
00:00:05.169 --> 00:00:07.389
Josh Negron, and this show is all about sharing
00:00:07.389 --> 00:00:11.109
lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
00:00:11.109 --> 00:00:13.949
thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
00:00:13.949 --> 00:00:17.030
to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
00:00:20.989 --> 00:00:23.870
Welcome back to the show. Today I'm back with
00:00:23.870 --> 00:00:27.089
my wife, Ashley, and we'd like to discuss optimizing
00:00:27.089 --> 00:00:30.850
friendships. So right now is obviously a time
00:00:30.850 --> 00:00:33.490
where meaningful connection seems to be something
00:00:33.490 --> 00:00:36.649
that is more and more difficult to find. In this
00:00:36.649 --> 00:00:39.429
most connected time we've ever had, people describe
00:00:39.429 --> 00:00:41.850
being more lonely, anxious, and depressed than
00:00:41.850 --> 00:00:44.729
ever before. And so we'd like to walk through
00:00:44.729 --> 00:00:47.409
some of the challenges of connection these days
00:00:47.409 --> 00:00:50.350
and then go into some practical steps on how
00:00:50.350 --> 00:00:52.869
to find and optimize meaningful relationships.
00:00:53.009 --> 00:00:56.450
So Ashley, welcome back to the show. Hello, excited
00:00:56.450 --> 00:00:59.130
to do this again. Yeah, absolutely. So we want
00:00:59.130 --> 00:01:00.729
to walk through some of the modern challenges
00:01:00.729 --> 00:01:04.090
of friendships and connections these days. I
00:01:04.090 --> 00:01:06.790
mean, obviously the number one glaring thing
00:01:06.790 --> 00:01:10.450
is the convenience of online relationships, not
00:01:10.450 --> 00:01:12.950
that they can never be meaningful, but it seems
00:01:12.950 --> 00:01:16.989
to be pervasive of this like surface level, context
00:01:16.989 --> 00:01:20.310
dependent, seasonal type relationship. How do
00:01:20.310 --> 00:01:23.189
you think that that kind of hurts us in connection?
00:01:24.579 --> 00:01:26.959
Yeah, it's easy to think like you think about
00:01:26.959 --> 00:01:29.079
like, oh, Facebook says you have this many friends,
00:01:29.280 --> 00:01:31.780
right? So it's kind of like rewired the definition
00:01:31.780 --> 00:01:34.379
of friends. I've always heard like friendships
00:01:34.379 --> 00:01:37.159
is like the rings or ripple effect in a circle,
00:01:37.400 --> 00:01:39.980
right? So on the inside, you have your most intimate
00:01:39.980 --> 00:01:42.640
friends and then you have maybe another set of
00:01:42.640 --> 00:01:44.680
friends outside of that. And then you have acquaintances
00:01:44.680 --> 00:01:46.040
and then you have like people you're connected
00:01:46.040 --> 00:01:48.799
with because of other people. And so I think
00:01:48.799 --> 00:01:51.599
because of things like Facebook, it's easy to
00:01:51.599 --> 00:01:54.689
think that you have more relationships and have
00:01:54.689 --> 00:01:57.709
more friends than what you really do have. Friendships
00:01:57.709 --> 00:02:00.409
can mean a variety of different things. Sometimes,
00:02:00.549 --> 00:02:02.909
you know, people come into our lives for seasons
00:02:02.909 --> 00:02:05.049
for certain reasons. And, you know, I'll never
00:02:05.049 --> 00:02:06.590
forget a friend of ours saying that, you know,
00:02:06.609 --> 00:02:09.189
she knows that there's certain people that came
00:02:09.189 --> 00:02:11.889
into her life for only a certain season. And
00:02:11.889 --> 00:02:13.669
that was the reason they were brought in. Or
00:02:13.669 --> 00:02:15.310
maybe there was some lesson to be learned from
00:02:15.310 --> 00:02:18.349
that relationship. And so we have to look at
00:02:18.349 --> 00:02:21.750
friendships differently and be sure that we have
00:02:22.090 --> 00:02:24.650
and prioritize the right people in our lives.
00:02:24.789 --> 00:02:26.949
Yeah, absolutely. And obviously right now you
00:02:26.949 --> 00:02:29.090
can't mention social media without mentioning
00:02:29.090 --> 00:02:32.210
the extreme divisiveness on social media, especially
00:02:32.210 --> 00:02:33.990
Facebook. There's some other mediums that are
00:02:33.990 --> 00:02:36.250
a little bit less that way. I know Instagram
00:02:36.250 --> 00:02:39.509
is your choice because it's not as divisive,
00:02:39.509 --> 00:02:42.930
right? Yeah, for sure. Correct. And I just stay
00:02:42.930 --> 00:02:48.009
off of X altogether. That's probably wise. So
00:02:48.009 --> 00:02:51.030
also there's additional obstacles like busyness.
00:02:51.030 --> 00:02:53.930
Now, this is just the life that we're in, you
00:02:53.930 --> 00:02:56.469
know, that the empty space gets filled by so
00:02:56.469 --> 00:02:59.629
many things. And so carving out time for friends
00:02:59.629 --> 00:03:02.930
is just as difficult and important, though, as,
00:03:03.030 --> 00:03:06.050
you know, carving out time for fitness and other
00:03:06.050 --> 00:03:08.650
important habits and things like that. There's
00:03:08.650 --> 00:03:11.569
also challenges of unhealthy relationships and
00:03:11.569 --> 00:03:14.300
expectations. We all have baggage of some sort
00:03:14.300 --> 00:03:17.219
and that baggage extends into our relationships.
00:03:17.460 --> 00:03:20.560
So we have all sorts of dynamics like performance
00:03:20.560 --> 00:03:23.520
relationships where people are in relationships
00:03:23.520 --> 00:03:26.460
specifically to get something out for them. And
00:03:26.460 --> 00:03:29.039
you have other people who are people pleasers
00:03:29.039 --> 00:03:31.639
and what some therapists call love addicts. And
00:03:31.639 --> 00:03:34.259
so they give love and they give of themselves.
00:03:34.379 --> 00:03:37.520
They don't say no so they can get approval, affection
00:03:37.520 --> 00:03:39.680
and those kinds of things. The need in search
00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:42.860
for validation. There's also Things like scorekeeping,
00:03:43.080 --> 00:03:45.139
which can happen even in a marriage where it's
00:03:45.139 --> 00:03:46.900
like, well, I did this last time or I've done
00:03:46.900 --> 00:03:49.520
all these things. And that's really just unhealthy
00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:52.419
type of behavior. And there can even be dynamics
00:03:52.419 --> 00:03:55.360
in relationships such as, you know, access expectations.
00:03:55.659 --> 00:03:58.240
There's those people who get offended if you
00:03:58.240 --> 00:04:00.199
don't respond to their text message immediately
00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:04.080
and they expect to have access to you 24 -7.
00:04:04.139 --> 00:04:06.900
And then that's some measure of importance in
00:04:06.900 --> 00:04:08.979
the relationship. And finally, there's things
00:04:08.979 --> 00:04:11.340
like trauma bonding. So there's unhealthy. relationships
00:04:11.340 --> 00:04:14.560
that are forged through complaining and drama
00:04:14.560 --> 00:04:16.720
and gossip and those kinds of negative things,
00:04:16.839 --> 00:04:20.379
right? And so those relationships are really
00:04:20.379 --> 00:04:23.240
kind of forged in those negative emotions. So
00:04:23.240 --> 00:04:25.480
when you're looking to optimize your life, when
00:04:25.480 --> 00:04:27.019
you're looking to grow and improve yourself,
00:04:27.240 --> 00:04:29.819
those don't tend to be the most fruitful relationships.
00:04:30.040 --> 00:04:32.540
And then when you do grow, those are the kinds
00:04:32.540 --> 00:04:35.379
of friends that guilt or punish you for your
00:04:35.379 --> 00:04:38.439
growth and say things like, well, Ashley, you've
00:04:38.439 --> 00:04:41.500
changed. Yes. Yes, I have. And so there comes
00:04:41.500 --> 00:04:44.079
out that phrase where show me your closest five
00:04:44.079 --> 00:04:48.120
relationships and I'll show you who you are or.
00:04:48.889 --> 00:04:51.569
who you will become. And so we're starting to
00:04:51.569 --> 00:04:54.189
recognize that these are extremely important
00:04:54.189 --> 00:04:56.629
things to consider when you're looking to grow,
00:04:56.850 --> 00:04:59.250
improve yourself, and become the best version
00:04:59.250 --> 00:05:01.689
of yourself that you can be, like Glenn Lundy
00:05:01.689 --> 00:05:03.550
said in the last episode. That's what we were
00:05:03.550 --> 00:05:05.610
meant to be, the best version, not an average
00:05:05.610 --> 00:05:08.589
version, not an okay version, not a worst version,
00:05:08.790 --> 00:05:11.569
but the best version that we can possibly be.
00:05:11.769 --> 00:05:15.290
So Ashley, can you share with us what that five
00:05:15.290 --> 00:05:17.870
closest relationships phrase has taught you in
00:05:17.870 --> 00:05:20.430
your relationships? Yeah, it's so important to
00:05:20.430 --> 00:05:23.569
have people who are in your corner as your closest
00:05:23.569 --> 00:05:26.009
friends. You know, be sure that those closest
00:05:26.009 --> 00:05:28.529
friends are people who align with the direction
00:05:28.529 --> 00:05:30.990
that you want to go in life, but aren't afraid
00:05:30.990 --> 00:05:34.269
to call you out when they see you making a mistake
00:05:34.269 --> 00:05:38.470
or maybe having an attitude or an approach to
00:05:38.470 --> 00:05:39.970
something that they're like, hey, have you ever
00:05:39.970 --> 00:05:42.269
thought about this from another from another
00:05:42.269 --> 00:05:44.579
angle? You don't want just people. who are going
00:05:44.579 --> 00:05:47.060
to be all yes -men in your life. You want friends
00:05:47.060 --> 00:05:49.100
who are going to help you to grow. You want friends
00:05:49.100 --> 00:05:52.939
who are willing to walk through the deepest valleys
00:05:52.939 --> 00:05:55.800
with you. You know, life is going to be hard.
00:05:55.860 --> 00:05:58.500
And so you want people, those five closest people,
00:05:58.639 --> 00:06:00.779
to be people who you know are going to show up
00:06:00.779 --> 00:06:03.040
and who you will show up for. You want it to
00:06:03.040 --> 00:06:05.959
be like this push -pull in a relationship, right?
00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:09.500
We've talked about that push -pull in other ways,
00:06:09.779 --> 00:06:11.480
you know, in marriage and in those kinds of things.
00:06:11.560 --> 00:06:13.850
But you also want that in friendship. friendships
00:06:13.850 --> 00:06:16.629
as well you know you're gonna have seasons where
00:06:16.629 --> 00:06:19.310
you have more to give than what they may and
00:06:19.310 --> 00:06:21.149
then there may be times that they have seasons
00:06:21.149 --> 00:06:23.269
um you know where they have more to give and
00:06:23.269 --> 00:06:26.250
you need them to show up and you need them in
00:06:26.250 --> 00:06:31.000
your corner and so You want, yeah, going to be
00:06:31.000 --> 00:06:33.480
there for you, who are going to show up and then
00:06:33.480 --> 00:06:35.980
who aren't afraid to say the hard things to you.
00:06:36.079 --> 00:06:37.779
And I think those are the things that have struck
00:06:37.779 --> 00:06:40.740
out to me and in building our closest friendships.
00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:43.319
I totally agree. And so if you're thinking there.
00:06:44.040 --> 00:06:46.620
Man, I don't know what that particularly looks
00:06:46.620 --> 00:06:48.819
like for me. There are some audit questions that
00:06:48.819 --> 00:06:51.959
you can ask yourself. Do you feel like those
00:06:51.959 --> 00:06:54.740
relationships call you to be better, to improve?
00:06:55.100 --> 00:06:57.600
Do you feel like they are honest with you? Do
00:06:57.600 --> 00:07:00.040
you have conflict with them where they challenge
00:07:00.040 --> 00:07:01.819
you, where they tell you where you were wrong?
00:07:02.000 --> 00:07:04.160
Or do you feel like they're agreeable? Like Ashley
00:07:04.160 --> 00:07:05.920
said, do you feel like they're just yes men?
00:07:06.199 --> 00:07:09.000
They constantly agree with you and don't challenge
00:07:09.000 --> 00:07:12.279
you. And then do you, an easy gauge is, do you
00:07:12.279 --> 00:07:15.300
feel energized? when you're with them, or do
00:07:15.300 --> 00:07:18.019
you feel drained? Now, I get it. Some of you
00:07:18.019 --> 00:07:19.800
are extreme introverts out there, and you're
00:07:19.800 --> 00:07:21.759
like, I feel drained anytime I'm with anybody.
00:07:22.720 --> 00:07:26.620
And that's not a constant gauge for each interaction
00:07:26.620 --> 00:07:29.079
with everybody doesn't always either energize
00:07:29.079 --> 00:07:32.519
or de -energize you. But I'm talking more overall
00:07:32.519 --> 00:07:36.000
in that specific relationship over time. And
00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:38.360
are they consistent in character, right? Like,
00:07:38.360 --> 00:07:41.360
is this somebody that you can depend on in multiple
00:07:41.360 --> 00:07:45.379
avenues? Like Ashley said, if you have a lot
00:07:45.379 --> 00:07:48.540
of no answers to your circle, then you may need
00:07:48.540 --> 00:07:51.699
to reconsider. Yeah. And so as a result to that,
00:07:51.839 --> 00:07:55.420
it is important to be selective, right? I mean,
00:07:55.439 --> 00:07:57.980
if those people are going to shape your future
00:07:57.980 --> 00:08:01.230
and who you are. then that's going to be important
00:08:01.230 --> 00:08:03.110
on a lot of avenues. Who you are is going to
00:08:03.110 --> 00:08:05.089
affect your work, going to affect your personal
00:08:05.089 --> 00:08:07.670
life, your finances, a lot of these decisions
00:08:07.670 --> 00:08:09.089
that you're going to make throughout your life.
00:08:09.230 --> 00:08:11.910
And so it's pretty critical to be selective.
00:08:12.149 --> 00:08:16.009
And it's not wrong to be selective. So it's funny
00:08:16.009 --> 00:08:18.290
because I've been a part of a lot of people's
00:08:18.290 --> 00:08:21.490
lives where they have made the decision to make
00:08:21.490 --> 00:08:25.720
their lives better. There comes a time frequently
00:08:25.720 --> 00:08:28.399
where I've walked through this with people where
00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:30.540
they realize there's particular relationships
00:08:30.540 --> 00:08:34.899
that they have to either establish some clear
00:08:34.899 --> 00:08:38.679
boundaries with, decrease time spent, or worst
00:08:38.679 --> 00:08:41.299
of all, eliminate them entirely. I've walked
00:08:41.299 --> 00:08:43.120
through several people who have had these conversations
00:08:43.120 --> 00:08:46.159
with me and they're like, man, it's become clear
00:08:46.159 --> 00:08:48.360
to me that this person is not going to grow.
00:08:48.519 --> 00:08:50.379
They're not going to change despite previous
00:08:50.379 --> 00:08:54.049
conversations that I think they should. And it
00:08:54.049 --> 00:08:57.330
would be best for them, but also us and really
00:08:57.330 --> 00:08:59.789
anyone around them. And they realize that that's
00:08:59.789 --> 00:09:02.350
not going to be a reality for them in the near
00:09:02.350 --> 00:09:05.389
future. And unfortunately, they're going to have
00:09:05.389 --> 00:09:08.990
to decrease their proximity to that individual.
00:09:09.580 --> 00:09:12.000
And so as a result, boundaries are not punishment.
00:09:12.200 --> 00:09:14.799
They are a protection for you and your family.
00:09:14.980 --> 00:09:16.379
And so that's something that's really important
00:09:16.379 --> 00:09:19.279
to remember because that's probably the hardest
00:09:19.279 --> 00:09:21.259
thing when you have somebody that you've been
00:09:21.259 --> 00:09:24.080
close to for a long time and you're realizing
00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:27.639
that maybe the sun has set on that relationship
00:09:27.639 --> 00:09:31.220
because it's no longer a blessing to you and
00:09:31.220 --> 00:09:33.909
to anyone else. And so... You know, you need
00:09:33.909 --> 00:09:35.970
to ask yourself, do I need to adjust access?
00:09:36.289 --> 00:09:38.490
Do I need to have a conversation with them? Or
00:09:38.490 --> 00:09:41.350
do I need to just end that relationship because
00:09:41.350 --> 00:09:44.049
it's no longer beneficial? So in that conversation,
00:09:44.350 --> 00:09:47.070
we've done a lot of focusing on the other person,
00:09:47.149 --> 00:09:49.669
right? Like that's looking at ourselves like,
00:09:49.769 --> 00:09:52.350
you know, are you worthy to be my friend? So
00:09:52.350 --> 00:09:55.029
I'd like to flip the script here too. Like, can
00:09:55.029 --> 00:10:00.779
you actually handle a good friend? Because a
00:10:00.779 --> 00:10:03.799
good friend is going to be somebody that can
00:10:03.799 --> 00:10:06.460
contend with you, that has their own opinions,
00:10:06.500 --> 00:10:11.019
that is going to have boundaries and challenge
00:10:11.019 --> 00:10:13.340
you to be better, tell you the truth when you
00:10:13.340 --> 00:10:15.440
don't want to hear it, probably especially when
00:10:15.440 --> 00:10:16.799
you don't want to hear it. And it's going to
00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:20.330
be likely somebody that... will hurt you at times.
00:10:20.509 --> 00:10:24.789
I know Cody Walker, our pastor, said in a message
00:10:24.789 --> 00:10:28.009
recently that the distinguishing factor when
00:10:28.009 --> 00:10:30.750
someone you care about hurts you that he learned
00:10:30.750 --> 00:10:33.669
from his mentor a long time ago was, did they
00:10:33.669 --> 00:10:36.929
say things that hurt or did they say things to
00:10:36.929 --> 00:10:39.279
hurt? I thought that was a really cool distinction
00:10:39.279 --> 00:10:41.299
to be able to tell the difference, you know,
00:10:41.299 --> 00:10:43.179
using the law of positive intent and things that
00:10:43.179 --> 00:10:45.500
we've discussed before. But all of those things
00:10:45.500 --> 00:10:49.080
take some mental strength to understand, to not
00:10:49.080 --> 00:10:52.779
react to someone who is a formidable, strong
00:10:52.779 --> 00:10:56.110
-willed friend. You know, are you able to receive
00:10:56.110 --> 00:10:58.269
feedback and engage in that kind of relationship?
00:10:58.490 --> 00:11:00.570
Ashley, walk us through, you know, you've I mean,
00:11:00.590 --> 00:11:02.970
you've had all sorts of friendships over the
00:11:02.970 --> 00:11:05.909
years. So what what does this look like to be
00:11:05.909 --> 00:11:08.909
able to handle having a healthy, good friend
00:11:08.909 --> 00:11:11.870
for us? Yeah, I think a lot of times it's those
00:11:11.870 --> 00:11:14.049
things that you mentioned, right? Like it's assuming
00:11:14.049 --> 00:11:16.269
the law of positive intent and that they have
00:11:16.269 --> 00:11:18.230
your best interests at heart and they want you
00:11:18.230 --> 00:11:20.169
to grow and they want to push you to be better.
00:11:20.649 --> 00:11:24.029
They're not just trying to be mean. I also think
00:11:24.029 --> 00:11:26.429
that, you know, that comes with time and with
00:11:26.429 --> 00:11:30.789
trust. And trust is really only built with time
00:11:30.789 --> 00:11:34.009
and investment, right? So it's going to take
00:11:34.009 --> 00:11:38.580
like... years to forge friendships right those
00:11:38.580 --> 00:11:41.019
aren't going to happen overnight you know and
00:11:41.019 --> 00:11:43.700
and it's things like spending time breaking bread
00:11:43.700 --> 00:11:46.700
together it's things like playing games it's
00:11:46.700 --> 00:11:49.480
taking trips going on adventures you know whatever
00:11:49.480 --> 00:11:51.759
that that looks like for you in your current
00:11:51.759 --> 00:11:54.799
stage of life maybe it's that you know you became
00:11:54.799 --> 00:11:56.799
friends because your kids were friends and so
00:11:56.799 --> 00:12:01.000
um you know that that is your connection um and
00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:03.320
it could be friendships over a myriad of different
00:12:03.320 --> 00:12:06.320
things but I think that people want to rush the
00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:08.519
deepness straight into these deep friendships.
00:12:08.580 --> 00:12:12.320
But really, like any relationship, it just takes
00:12:12.320 --> 00:12:14.690
time. time. And so I think that's the biggest
00:12:14.690 --> 00:12:18.549
thing to realize and to know that it just, it
00:12:18.549 --> 00:12:21.230
takes investment, intentional investment. Just
00:12:21.230 --> 00:12:23.750
like any other relationship, good friendships
00:12:23.750 --> 00:12:26.090
take intentional investment. You know, one of
00:12:26.090 --> 00:12:28.090
the things that we've tried to do with people
00:12:28.090 --> 00:12:30.529
that we've been friends with for years is to
00:12:30.529 --> 00:12:33.269
try to make sure that we hang out at least a
00:12:33.269 --> 00:12:35.669
few times a year, right? That maybe before we
00:12:35.669 --> 00:12:37.909
leave the dinner table this time, we're going
00:12:37.909 --> 00:12:40.049
to already put another date on the calendar,
00:12:40.370 --> 00:12:43.379
or we're going to do... you know, we're going
00:12:43.379 --> 00:12:46.740
to try to hang out in three, four months because
00:12:46.740 --> 00:12:49.240
that's how busy that most of us are. You know,
00:12:49.240 --> 00:12:50.399
you start texting your friends, you're like,
00:12:50.480 --> 00:12:52.340
hey, when can we hang out? When can we have dinner?
00:12:52.519 --> 00:12:54.860
And it's like, no, because of all the things,
00:12:54.940 --> 00:12:57.179
it literally is like four months from now, right?
00:12:57.360 --> 00:12:59.960
And so you just, you have to be intentional and
00:12:59.960 --> 00:13:03.059
you have to invest time. We have a set of friends
00:13:03.059 --> 00:13:05.679
that we have been doing one night a week of dinner
00:13:05.679 --> 00:13:09.500
and games or just conversation for years now.
00:13:09.620 --> 00:13:12.889
Like I think we're on like, a decade. And the
00:13:12.889 --> 00:13:14.970
night that we do it has shifted and changed,
00:13:15.090 --> 00:13:18.590
right? But there is this consistent night that
00:13:18.590 --> 00:13:21.490
has been set aside to invest in our friendship
00:13:21.490 --> 00:13:23.889
and to invest in our relationship. And those
00:13:23.889 --> 00:13:26.570
are people that we know that no matter what are
00:13:26.570 --> 00:13:29.529
going to show up. They're in our corner. They're
00:13:29.529 --> 00:13:33.029
here for us. And so invest, be intentional, just
00:13:33.029 --> 00:13:34.929
like you would be in any other relationship.
00:13:35.549 --> 00:13:38.789
And I'd say that in asking the question, can
00:13:38.789 --> 00:13:41.429
you handle a good friend? There's this thing
00:13:41.429 --> 00:13:43.710
that I recognized in myself in the different
00:13:43.710 --> 00:13:46.889
relationships that I've had over the last two
00:13:46.889 --> 00:13:50.590
decades, being a blue on the color code personality
00:13:50.590 --> 00:13:55.309
type, a lot of my, a lot of my Closest relationships
00:13:55.309 --> 00:13:58.490
over the years have been dominant type A relationships.
00:13:58.950 --> 00:14:01.909
And I think as a general rule, type A's tend
00:14:01.909 --> 00:14:05.169
to be much lower on the emotional reactive scale
00:14:05.169 --> 00:14:08.669
than my personality type. I don't know if it
00:14:08.669 --> 00:14:11.190
was super intentional, at least initially, but
00:14:11.190 --> 00:14:14.169
I think subconsciously I recognize that the emotional
00:14:14.169 --> 00:14:17.710
volatility of those types of people was lower
00:14:17.710 --> 00:14:21.409
and they were willing to be more direct and transparent
00:14:21.409 --> 00:14:23.750
and honest with me. I mean, you're that way.
00:14:23.820 --> 00:14:27.100
And I think about a story back when I was in
00:14:27.100 --> 00:14:29.820
college almost 20 years ago. A shout out to Matt
00:14:29.820 --> 00:14:31.940
Johnson, the best man at my wedding many, many
00:14:31.940 --> 00:14:35.200
years ago. And he was a very brutally honest
00:14:35.200 --> 00:14:37.759
person. And that's something that I super valued,
00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:41.220
but definitely did not always enjoy. There's
00:14:41.220 --> 00:14:44.220
a memory that stuck out to me and still sticks
00:14:44.220 --> 00:14:47.460
with me in my transition to be more financially
00:14:47.460 --> 00:14:50.620
responsible. And it was a time when I was not
00:14:50.620 --> 00:14:53.019
managing my money properly in college. I wasn't
00:14:53.019 --> 00:14:55.309
paying. my student Bill, like I should have.
00:14:55.509 --> 00:14:57.649
And he knew being my roommate in college, he
00:14:57.649 --> 00:14:59.750
knew all the stress that I had financially and
00:14:59.750 --> 00:15:01.909
trying to make ends meet and working and also
00:15:01.909 --> 00:15:04.210
doing school. We went to Walmart together one
00:15:04.210 --> 00:15:06.509
night and I was getting ready to, you remember
00:15:06.509 --> 00:15:09.970
the cheap giant boxes at Walmart full of DVDs,
00:15:09.970 --> 00:15:12.070
you know, where you could pick up a whole bunch
00:15:12.070 --> 00:15:13.889
for people are like, what's a DVD? I'm like,
00:15:13.909 --> 00:15:16.870
I get it. And so, and I remember him saying,
00:15:17.149 --> 00:15:19.639
do you really need that? And he was like, man,
00:15:19.700 --> 00:15:21.200
the way you've been talking about all the stuff
00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:23.019
going on, you know, obviously a lot of shared
00:15:23.019 --> 00:15:25.120
context there. He didn't really have to say very
00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:28.600
much. But what he said was like very, very honest.
00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:30.940
And it was said out of care. It wasn't it wasn't
00:15:30.940 --> 00:15:33.639
said like Cody said. It wasn't said to hurt.
00:15:34.080 --> 00:15:37.299
It was what he said did hurt because he was definitely
00:15:37.299 --> 00:15:39.960
on to something. And and that's not something
00:15:39.960 --> 00:15:42.460
that I wanted to hear. Right. And so that's something
00:15:42.460 --> 00:15:44.460
that I think about when I think of can you handle
00:15:44.460 --> 00:15:46.779
being a good friend and can you handle a good
00:15:46.779 --> 00:15:48.919
friend in your life? Those are two very, very
00:15:48.919 --> 00:15:51.360
important questions because everyone wants a
00:15:51.360 --> 00:15:54.450
good friend. Right. I don't think everyone recognizes
00:15:54.450 --> 00:15:57.230
what a good friend actually does. And if they're
00:15:57.230 --> 00:16:00.830
willing to tolerate you not being the best version
00:16:00.830 --> 00:16:02.769
of yourself, if you're a drama queen, if you're
00:16:02.769 --> 00:16:05.009
constantly looking for blame or affirmation or
00:16:05.009 --> 00:16:07.889
looking for validation in others versus in the
00:16:07.889 --> 00:16:10.370
ways that you actually should that we discuss
00:16:10.370 --> 00:16:13.350
in other episodes, then I don't know if a lot
00:16:13.350 --> 00:16:14.549
of people are going to want to be your friend.
00:16:14.649 --> 00:16:17.149
Think of it this way. If everyone's looking for
00:16:17.149 --> 00:16:19.889
the top five best people that they can have in
00:16:19.889 --> 00:16:22.799
their circle, The responsibility on you is to
00:16:22.799 --> 00:16:24.600
be the best version of yourself that you can
00:16:24.600 --> 00:16:28.700
possibly be. Why? Because otherwise, you're probably
00:16:28.700 --> 00:16:31.340
not going to be chosen by somebody who's going
00:16:31.340 --> 00:16:33.919
to be a good friend to you. Does that make sense?
00:16:34.220 --> 00:16:38.200
And so how do you look and how do you find a
00:16:38.200 --> 00:16:40.879
good friend? I think something that is very often
00:16:40.879 --> 00:16:43.480
overlooked in this age of no responsibility is
00:16:43.480 --> 00:16:46.769
it starts with you. You have to strive to be
00:16:46.769 --> 00:16:49.149
the friend that you're looking for. So again,
00:16:49.250 --> 00:16:51.190
that means if people are selectively looking
00:16:51.190 --> 00:16:54.090
for their top five, are you somebody who's worthy
00:16:54.090 --> 00:16:56.850
to be chosen? So that's a super heavy question.
00:16:56.950 --> 00:16:59.330
We'll just leave that back there and then transition
00:16:59.330 --> 00:17:01.929
into what are some practical ways that people
00:17:01.929 --> 00:17:06.109
can find others to connect with? And so the first
00:17:06.109 --> 00:17:08.609
place is going to be what I'm going to label
00:17:08.609 --> 00:17:11.250
as practical arenas where you can find people,
00:17:11.269 --> 00:17:13.839
right? So those are like shared spaces. And so
00:17:13.839 --> 00:17:16.460
places of like shared mission, where you can
00:17:16.460 --> 00:17:19.799
find people who are into service or volunteering
00:17:19.799 --> 00:17:22.099
into the same things that you care about. Or
00:17:22.099 --> 00:17:23.960
maybe it's a shared discipline. This will be
00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:26.640
like gyms and training groups. This doesn't necessarily
00:17:26.640 --> 00:17:29.299
have to be something as crazy as CrossFit. But
00:17:29.299 --> 00:17:31.559
I do find that those kinds of things that we've
00:17:31.559 --> 00:17:34.819
discussed before, like a type of fitness class,
00:17:35.180 --> 00:17:38.559
yoga class, fighting class, jujitsu, stuff like
00:17:38.559 --> 00:17:41.660
that, any kind of like Group class is going to
00:17:41.660 --> 00:17:43.900
be something that can bond you with others very
00:17:43.900 --> 00:17:47.599
quickly, particularly if it's high stress, high
00:17:47.599 --> 00:17:51.000
effort. Those kinds of suffering, bonding kind
00:17:51.000 --> 00:17:53.059
of things can be super, super powerful. Then
00:17:53.059 --> 00:17:55.319
there's also shared values, right? So if you're
00:17:55.319 --> 00:17:59.059
a religious person, this is in your church or
00:17:59.059 --> 00:18:01.119
your religious groups, you can have a men or
00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:03.759
women's group or even a family group that meets
00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:06.299
regularly that you can forge relationships with.
00:18:06.480 --> 00:18:09.460
And then finally, shared. interests, shared hobbies.
00:18:09.700 --> 00:18:12.859
So what are things that you can do in the local
00:18:12.859 --> 00:18:15.920
community to find people of similar interests,
00:18:16.039 --> 00:18:19.240
whether that's painting, dancing, pottery, I
00:18:19.240 --> 00:18:21.279
don't know what it is, but in this day and age,
00:18:21.299 --> 00:18:23.440
there's more and more of these communities that
00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:26.319
you can find online to really find people with
00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:29.200
similar interests to connect with, right? Yeah,
00:18:29.259 --> 00:18:32.559
I love that concept of finding, you know, shared
00:18:32.559 --> 00:18:34.960
spaces together. Some of our dearest friends
00:18:34.960 --> 00:18:37.299
we met because we started going to the gym together,
00:18:37.480 --> 00:18:40.640
right? And so what started as this, oh, we're
00:18:40.640 --> 00:18:42.119
going to show up in the mornings and we're going
00:18:42.119 --> 00:18:44.779
to suffer together. And then it was like, oh,
00:18:44.799 --> 00:18:46.779
hey, we think you're cool. Do you guys want to
00:18:46.779 --> 00:18:48.740
hang out? Do you want to come over? Part of what
00:18:48.740 --> 00:18:50.440
really took that friendship to the next level
00:18:50.440 --> 00:18:53.640
was because during COVID time, we turned their
00:18:53.640 --> 00:18:57.460
barn garage into a gym and we all worked out
00:18:57.460 --> 00:19:00.269
together. We spent time together, right? And
00:19:00.269 --> 00:19:03.329
so that was forging a different... forging through,
00:19:03.369 --> 00:19:06.369
one would say, like a traumatic season of our
00:19:06.369 --> 00:19:08.289
lives, one that, you know, completely flipped
00:19:08.289 --> 00:19:10.470
it on its head. But then it turned it into this
00:19:10.470 --> 00:19:13.309
deeper friendship as the years have gone on.
00:19:13.430 --> 00:19:15.470
And so, you know, we've been friends for the
00:19:15.470 --> 00:19:18.089
last seven years. And as that time has gone on,
00:19:18.170 --> 00:19:21.349
like that friendship has just grown deeper and
00:19:21.349 --> 00:19:24.609
sweeter. And there are people that I know that
00:19:24.609 --> 00:19:28.490
I could call in an instant who would show up
00:19:28.490 --> 00:19:31.369
if they at all possibly could. But people who
00:19:31.369 --> 00:19:35.140
also love us and care about us and are invested
00:19:35.140 --> 00:19:38.460
in us. And we can have hard conversations. We
00:19:38.460 --> 00:19:40.859
don't agree about a lot of things, right? But
00:19:40.859 --> 00:19:45.000
that doesn't mean that we don't care deeply for
00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:49.359
each other and that we don't just continue to
00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:51.599
show up. And so I think, you know, tied back
00:19:51.599 --> 00:19:54.680
to our episode on grief, like you show up and
00:19:54.680 --> 00:19:58.140
you tell people that you love them. And so find
00:19:58.140 --> 00:20:00.500
people in those shared spaces. Don't be afraid
00:20:00.500 --> 00:20:03.119
to be the person to initiate. Hey, would you
00:20:03.119 --> 00:20:05.539
guys like to go to dinner sometime? Like be the
00:20:05.539 --> 00:20:09.940
person to ask. Don't be afraid to take that next
00:20:09.940 --> 00:20:12.460
step and to initiate that. You never know that
00:20:12.460 --> 00:20:15.019
those people may have just been waiting for someone
00:20:15.019 --> 00:20:19.160
to ask, right? And so be the first one. Don't
00:20:19.160 --> 00:20:22.359
be afraid. Find things to go do together. You
00:20:22.359 --> 00:20:24.579
never know what friendship will come out of just
00:20:24.579 --> 00:20:28.200
asking. And there's some practical things that
00:20:28.200 --> 00:20:31.980
you can do to try to grow. So if you go to these
00:20:31.980 --> 00:20:35.119
type of gatherings or groups, there's some additional
00:20:35.119 --> 00:20:37.599
practical things that you can do to kind of start
00:20:37.599 --> 00:20:39.859
to foster and develop these relationships. And
00:20:39.859 --> 00:20:42.559
there are three that I want to touch on. The
00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:45.380
first one being repeatability and consistency
00:20:45.380 --> 00:20:48.400
is going to be something that really makes a
00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:50.019
difference. Like Ashley said, there are certain
00:20:50.019 --> 00:20:52.579
relationships that we've done things weekly with
00:20:52.579 --> 00:20:55.859
for now going on a decade, that evening dinner
00:20:55.859 --> 00:20:59.240
that we set up. And then additionally, our CrossFit
00:20:59.240 --> 00:21:01.420
class, I mean, we've been going now for seven
00:21:01.420 --> 00:21:03.970
going on eight years, and that's... three to
00:21:03.970 --> 00:21:06.089
four days a week, and those are the same people,
00:21:06.150 --> 00:21:08.970
the same class, the same time of day. And so
00:21:08.970 --> 00:21:13.029
that repeatability, whether it's every day, every
00:21:13.029 --> 00:21:15.950
week, or even once a month, those kinds of things
00:21:15.950 --> 00:21:18.190
are going to grow that over time. We talk about
00:21:18.190 --> 00:21:21.069
daily anything changes everything, right? And
00:21:21.069 --> 00:21:24.509
so even in the proximity of relationships, speaking
00:21:24.509 --> 00:21:26.799
in that way, Those are going to be things that
00:21:26.799 --> 00:21:30.099
help you develop that over time. Number two is
00:21:30.099 --> 00:21:32.859
going to be asking great questions. I think this
00:21:32.859 --> 00:21:35.140
is super, super critical. The third one ties
00:21:35.140 --> 00:21:37.559
into that, really dovetails. But asking good
00:21:37.559 --> 00:21:40.259
questions. You know those types of people that
00:21:40.259 --> 00:21:42.980
are... that you get such a good feeling about
00:21:42.980 --> 00:21:44.819
when you're with them because you're like, man,
00:21:44.940 --> 00:21:47.480
they're really interested in me. When they're
00:21:47.480 --> 00:21:50.380
like, man, what do you like to do? What are you
00:21:50.380 --> 00:21:52.440
learning? What are you doing? And they're just
00:21:52.440 --> 00:21:55.480
very interested in you. And that makes all of
00:21:55.480 --> 00:21:58.819
us feel important, feel like someone cares about
00:21:58.819 --> 00:22:01.920
us. And so that's a super powerful thing if you
00:22:01.920 --> 00:22:05.000
can. figure out a way to ask really good questions.
00:22:05.160 --> 00:22:06.839
Now there's a balance when you're getting to
00:22:06.839 --> 00:22:09.220
know somebody. There are questions that I would
00:22:09.220 --> 00:22:12.799
classify as a little bit too nosy, a little too
00:22:12.799 --> 00:22:16.059
forward to be ones that are appropriate to ask.
00:22:16.259 --> 00:22:18.839
But if you show a humble heart and curiosity
00:22:18.839 --> 00:22:22.839
about someone, that can be really powerful in
00:22:22.839 --> 00:22:25.740
building a really good relationship. And the
00:22:25.740 --> 00:22:28.740
third one being, you need to shut up and listen.
00:22:29.410 --> 00:22:32.849
Right? I think everyone knows what it feels like
00:22:32.849 --> 00:22:35.430
when you're trying to share something about yourself
00:22:35.430 --> 00:22:38.609
and you get cut off by a know -it -all or a one
00:22:38.609 --> 00:22:41.029
-upper or someone that doesn't have the social
00:22:41.029 --> 00:22:45.799
awareness to listen. Right. And so and as you're
00:22:45.799 --> 00:22:47.960
talking to someone like that, there's usually
00:22:47.960 --> 00:22:49.960
multiple times where you try to get something
00:22:49.960 --> 00:22:52.980
in to connect with them. And if they just interrupt
00:22:52.980 --> 00:22:55.160
and keep talking about themselves, you kind of
00:22:55.160 --> 00:22:57.400
stop trying. Right. You're like, OK, I know what
00:22:57.400 --> 00:22:59.900
this is like. I'm just going to listen and they're
00:22:59.900 --> 00:23:02.299
going to talk about themselves. Awesome. And
00:23:02.299 --> 00:23:05.400
so there's this there's this thing where you
00:23:05.400 --> 00:23:08.380
don't want to be that person. Right. And so just
00:23:08.380 --> 00:23:12.000
be self -aware. Don't be the one constantly talking.
00:23:12.589 --> 00:23:14.849
I mean, just asking great questions and learning
00:23:14.849 --> 00:23:17.069
to listen are just so critical and important
00:23:17.069 --> 00:23:19.710
to building those kinds of relationships that
00:23:19.710 --> 00:23:22.690
I believe are going to be fruitful for you. I
00:23:22.690 --> 00:23:25.230
do think one other element that goes into that
00:23:25.230 --> 00:23:29.509
is, and this just came to me, but don't always
00:23:29.509 --> 00:23:32.269
be the person who complains about everything.
00:23:32.839 --> 00:23:35.319
I think that goes back to the habits of gratitude
00:23:35.319 --> 00:23:37.359
that we've talked about before, about looking
00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:39.259
to see the world differently. People don't like
00:23:39.259 --> 00:23:41.220
to be around someone who complains all the time.
00:23:41.339 --> 00:23:44.599
So don't be that friend who complains about everything,
00:23:44.779 --> 00:23:46.640
that nothing's ever right, nothing's ever good
00:23:46.640 --> 00:23:49.920
enough. Don't spend your time blaming other people,
00:23:50.059 --> 00:23:52.700
blaming the world, whatever. Be the friend who
00:23:52.700 --> 00:23:55.839
is positive and uplifting and seeks to see the
00:23:55.839 --> 00:23:57.960
world in a different kind of way. And that's
00:23:57.960 --> 00:24:00.000
just going to set yourself apart and help others
00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:02.269
to, like you said, pick you to be in there. their
00:24:02.269 --> 00:24:05.410
top five. And I think that's some good distinctions
00:24:05.410 --> 00:24:07.869
too. So like if we're looking at what are red
00:24:07.869 --> 00:24:10.789
flags in relationships versus green flags. So
00:24:10.789 --> 00:24:13.650
some red flags that I would look for in deciding
00:24:13.650 --> 00:24:17.349
who's in my circle. Is it someone who gossips
00:24:17.349 --> 00:24:19.910
a lot, has a victim mindset, maybe someone who's
00:24:19.910 --> 00:24:22.670
flaky or jealous or someone who maybe doesn't
00:24:22.670 --> 00:24:26.079
have good. boundaries, or you get the sense that
00:24:26.079 --> 00:24:29.140
maybe it's a little codependent or is kind of
00:24:29.140 --> 00:24:31.700
maybe in it for themselves or selfish in some
00:24:31.700 --> 00:24:33.880
way. And so these things are important things
00:24:33.880 --> 00:24:36.799
to be aware of. Some good qualities that you
00:24:36.799 --> 00:24:39.500
can look for is, you know, are they consistent?
00:24:39.680 --> 00:24:42.420
Are they humble? Do they genuinely seem interested
00:24:42.420 --> 00:24:45.180
in you? Are they someone who's been working on
00:24:45.180 --> 00:24:47.839
themselves, right? And, you know, are they accountable?
00:24:48.019 --> 00:24:50.319
Are they loyal? Those are some qualities that
00:24:50.319 --> 00:24:52.910
I would consider good things to look for. And
00:24:52.910 --> 00:24:56.309
along that line, like Ash, you mentioned earlier
00:24:56.309 --> 00:24:58.390
that it doesn't necessarily have to be someone
00:24:58.390 --> 00:25:00.869
who's thoroughly aligned with you in every aspect
00:25:00.869 --> 00:25:03.549
of life, no matter what. Right. I think that's
00:25:03.549 --> 00:25:05.950
super important in today's day and age. I think
00:25:05.950 --> 00:25:08.970
comedians are doing a good job of highlighting
00:25:08.970 --> 00:25:12.789
the binary nature of relationships right now
00:25:12.789 --> 00:25:15.910
that in order to have a quality relationship,
00:25:16.190 --> 00:25:18.490
you have to agree with me in every way. And if
00:25:18.490 --> 00:25:21.700
you say something weird. publicly or on Facebook
00:25:21.700 --> 00:25:24.799
or whatever, then just go ahead and unfriend
00:25:24.799 --> 00:25:27.099
me if I haven't unfriended you already. Those
00:25:27.099 --> 00:25:29.720
kinds of things, I think, are just ridiculous.
00:25:30.380 --> 00:25:33.819
I have plenty of friends that I have amazing
00:25:33.819 --> 00:25:36.279
relationships with that we disagree fundamentally
00:25:36.279 --> 00:25:39.160
on a lot of things. And that's not something
00:25:39.160 --> 00:25:41.640
that's a deal breaker for me, to be honest. And
00:25:41.640 --> 00:25:44.079
just because I know what they believe in one
00:25:44.079 --> 00:25:47.039
area, does not mean I assume what they believe
00:25:47.039 --> 00:25:48.720
in another area. And I think that's also very
00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:51.119
critically important that just because that I
00:25:51.119 --> 00:25:53.819
think assumptions do kill in that area. And so
00:25:53.819 --> 00:25:57.000
it's super important to remember. That, you know,
00:25:57.000 --> 00:25:58.740
you told me a long time ago, like we talked about
00:25:58.740 --> 00:26:00.700
in our marriage episode, you're allowed to have
00:26:00.700 --> 00:26:03.000
your own opinions. And there are some that we
00:26:03.000 --> 00:26:05.079
don't have to reconcile even in our marriage
00:26:05.079 --> 00:26:08.140
because they don't matter between the both of
00:26:08.140 --> 00:26:10.839
us. And so I think if you have a friendship,
00:26:11.240 --> 00:26:13.059
you should be able to respect the boundaries
00:26:13.059 --> 00:26:15.700
of their opinions and the things that they think.
00:26:15.740 --> 00:26:17.460
And that doesn't mean you can't discuss them
00:26:17.460 --> 00:26:19.759
or have a civil conversation or even a debate
00:26:19.759 --> 00:26:22.750
about it. But if you guys don't. arrive to the
00:26:22.750 --> 00:26:25.529
same conclusion, that's okay. Because I love
00:26:25.529 --> 00:26:27.930
actually getting to hear someone else's perspective,
00:26:28.109 --> 00:26:30.509
especially from someone that I love and respect.
00:26:30.829 --> 00:26:33.609
That's usually when I'd be most likely to listen
00:26:33.609 --> 00:26:36.509
to that perspective and try to understand it
00:26:36.509 --> 00:26:38.769
and go, well, that makes total sense. I can totally
00:26:38.769 --> 00:26:41.390
see why they view the world in that way. And
00:26:41.390 --> 00:26:43.750
that's super helpful. Doesn't necessarily mean
00:26:43.750 --> 00:26:47.009
that I subscribe to that perspective, but now
00:26:47.009 --> 00:26:49.279
I have an understanding. It's not just like,
00:26:49.299 --> 00:26:51.160
man, everyone who thinks that is stupid. What
00:26:51.160 --> 00:26:54.519
a shallow, assumptive way to see the world, right?
00:26:55.200 --> 00:26:57.480
So I hope this conversation has been helpful
00:26:57.480 --> 00:27:00.619
to you in evaluating your friendships. And maybe
00:27:00.619 --> 00:27:02.539
it's a blessing to be able to reflect on the
00:27:02.539 --> 00:27:05.960
healthy ones that have been very powerful. a
00:27:05.960 --> 00:27:08.220
blessing to you. If it's helped you shed light
00:27:08.220 --> 00:27:10.519
on certain relationships that you think you can
00:27:10.519 --> 00:27:13.640
help improve, or maybe set those boundaries to
00:27:13.640 --> 00:27:16.779
allow yourself to have more peace and get to
00:27:16.779 --> 00:27:19.140
the next level, especially this day and age where
00:27:19.140 --> 00:27:22.559
relationships seem to be a commodity that is
00:27:22.559 --> 00:27:25.900
more and more rare to find something of extreme
00:27:25.900 --> 00:27:30.180
value. Instead, it's more relationships of convenience
00:27:30.180 --> 00:27:33.420
that are not fulfilling and leave people feeling
00:27:33.420 --> 00:27:36.059
more lonely than ever. Thanks for listening to
00:27:36.059 --> 00:27:38.480
the Optimizing Beyond podcast. Remember, growth
00:27:38.480 --> 00:27:41.539
happens when you take action. So subscribe, share
00:27:41.539 --> 00:27:43.740
this with a friend, and most importantly, put
00:27:43.740 --> 00:27:45.940
what you learned into practice. Because as we
00:27:45.940 --> 00:27:57.279
know, daily anything changes everything. Welcome
00:27:57.279 --> 00:28:00.480
to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm Josh Negron,
00:28:00.500 --> 00:28:03.359
and this show is all about sharing lessons, ideas,
00:28:03.700 --> 00:28:06.839
and strategies that sharpen your thinking, strengthen
00:28:06.839 --> 00:28:09.920
your habits, and push you to grow beyond comfort
00:28:09.920 --> 00:28:11.619
zones. Let's dive in.
