S3 E1: Big Life Updates, Where We’ve Been & What Comes Next

Jessica DeRose: I'm Jess and I'm Carly. And this is the Only Human Podcast. I could just feel that I was like so out of alignment with myself and my values. I felt so empty. I started to like feel like a shelf myself. That was so debilitating for me. Like that fear of putting myself out there and just the fear of like letting people in. We have our emotional support winner model too. Yeah, we got the ⁓ giggle. Yeah. Or bad three. I feel like third time's a charm. I don't know why it's a charm. Like, I don't know, like the other ones weren't bad, but I just feel like three is like it's good vibes. What makes me laugh is we were talking about season one and two the other week, and you were like, when we recorded season one, we didn't know each other. And I thought that was so funny. We like did, but we didn't. We did it. We literally did it. Like I think I think also when I think I feel like this is gonna be tangible. I when I think back to season one, I think about my comfortability with you and with recording the podcast. And I'm like, I just feel like I didn't like I don't think I could listen back to it. I'm just like I feel like I was very closed off and like I was trying to be very open, but also like I wasn't super comfortable with you yet, let alone like talking about things on my podcast. Like I don't know. So it was just definitely different. It has evolved so much. It has. And even seeing like the different Difference from season one to season two. Like season one definitely had like higher stakes because it also had the element of being in the studio and like the high production quality. So that added an extra element of pressure. And then we were kind of like the subject matter. So we would talk about different topics like anxiety, body image, whatever. And you know, couple that with also talking to a new person in your life. Maybe we had known each other for like a couple months at that point. So I think like the culmination of everything just made it a little bit difficult. And then season two was so different because we did it virtually. We were talking about like literally anything under the sun, a lot of pop culture. But I feel like season three, I guess you feel different energy. I'm feel like I've never stepped behind a microphone before. I'm nervous again. You'd never guess I'd already recorded 70 podcast episodes in my life. No, right? I know. Between Figured Audible and this one. Yeah. That was that was actually super shocking to me to hear that you said you were nervous. But ⁓ yeah, I don't know. I feel like we're already on a tangent here. Well but it feels good. I'm excited. I'm excited to Give the people what they want and they've been asking for. All the two people that have been like, bring back the podcast. Bring back the podcast. You guys, you you two that are listening, we're here for you. No, I'm really excited. I feel like between all of the things that have been going on in my life and your life, and like like if nothing else, this is like a weekly catch up for us, and I'm really excited to just like chat with you. Yeah, I was gonna say, I feel like every season of Only Human has kind of been different. And I feel like season three, even just how we're starting this podcast, just like shooting the shit, catching up, very laid back, kind of letting the conversation go where it goes. That's gonna be what season three is about. This is really a way for us to stay connected because you have a big life update. enter the game that we always play, where is dress recording from today? But today's really different. Yeah. No, right? Well, hopefully it should be the same now. From now on, every same. I have a little setup here. I'll put a picture of it somewhere. but yeah, and I am coming live from Florida. Woo woo. It's so funny because when I came into the riverside ⁓ like website when that's like the program that we use to record the podcast. It was like showing our last one. It was like only came in five eleven. And I was like, ⁓ my god, did we really record last in May? Like that was so long ago. Over four months ago. Yeah. Yeah. So at that point I remember talking about Florida. And, you know, we sold our house at that point. But yeah, now it's like I feel like I just snapped my fingers and I was here. Like even though going through it was like kind of grueling and it felt like it was never gonna happen. Now that I'm here, I'm like, ⁓ shit. Like, what's going on? I feel like all of that is just a blur. Mm-hmm. I know time is really funny in that way. Sometimes it feels like you're in that waiting period for so long. And then all of a sudden the change happens so quickly and you blink and you're like, How did I get here? And I feel like a lot of friends and family to you were like, ⁓ my god, that happened so quick. And you're like, Not really. Like my husband sold his business six months ago. We sold our house and we're living with our in-laws, like We went on X amount of job interviews, like we went down to visit, like there was so much that went into it. But all of that, I mean, it it just goes to show how quickly you forget all that because you guys are finally there. And I mean, I'm sure it feels exactly where you're meant to be, but I'm sure it also feels like that was all a blip in time, like the process of getting there. Yeah, for sure. All all all is true. I mean, ⁓ I think pe when people said that it was like it happened so fast, it's kind of because it Happen over such a long period of time. So that makes sense. Like if we sold a house and then whatever, I feel like it would feel normal. But it felt like a split decision because it was like, ⁓ we're going now. Because it was like it wasn't like a lean up of like, ⁓ we're gonna go now. It was like, okay, no, like in three weeks we're gonna be down there. So but yeah, I mean, I everyone has been super gracious and like there was a lot of really hard goodbyes, but it's just to see you later. It's not a goodbye. And I'm trying to like, I think some people Are kind of treating like we're dying. I'm like, you know I'm gonna be like around like we're still gonna be around. ⁓ but yeah, everyone has been like super excited for us and has really come around to the idea. So Wow, good. You guys deserve all of the support. And I have so many questions about the transition and how life is treating you in Florida so far, but I feel like we have to like take a few steps back for the people. Let's close the loop. Yeah. I think we need to like order business first and foremost. I think we need to just maybe address a little bit where our mindset has been with Only Human, maybe why we stopped recording when we did in May, why we've let four and a half months pass, what we've been up to over the summer. We took a big hiatus in like August, September altogether. We weren't really posting. We weren't really doing much like short form content. so I think there's just been a big question mark for not only the people that have been following along, but also For ourselves. We've been having a lot of conversations. So I think it'd be, you know, good to just hash that out a little bit and bring people up to speed. Yeah. I mean, I think like the decision to end season two of the podcast in May was a lot of different things. Number one, you were moving down the shore for the summer. I was trying to get to Florida. ⁓ I was going on like vacations. There was just like a lot of things going on. And then also I feel like we were kind of like running out of things to talk about a little bit. And it was not like super I don't want to say it wasn't super fun anymore, but it was kind of just like, okay, we need to like take a step back and reevaluate. And it just felt like a natural ending point because we were, you know, at like what, 17 episodes? And then at the same time we were going to be spending a lot of time down the shore. ⁓ and we had so many in-person events. I think like the first thing that really kicked off this summer. was the Sunday Social on May 30th. And then we had like the Jacks Cafe Pilates beginning of June. It just like really snowballed from there. And I feel like that was like that decision felt really good. Like that was like, okay, this makes sense. Like this is a chapter that we can close for right now. We can open it back up like in the fall. ⁓ because we had so many things on the horizon. Like MLB All Star. I mean, at that time we didn't know that we were doing those things, but we were like, we're gonna get our way in there somehow. Yeah. I think it just speaks to the fact that you can't do everything all at once. And we had done everything all at once for about a year and a half alongside full-time jobs. And so I think we were feeling a little bit of burnout and we're like, all right, we need to just be a little bit more strategic. We need to be a little bit more intentional with our time. If we're feeling that the podcast isn't where we're feeling called to spend our time and energy, then let's take a pause. Let's really lean into these in-person events because we have them booked on the calendar. They take no shortage of time, effort, and energy to prep. Yeah, they really do. And so I think that it was the right decision for summer. And I don't even think we really had a plan of whether we are gonna bring the podcast back. I always really struggle with this because I think you and I really love long format and we love podcasting. But I think it's really easy to get in our own heads because the podcasting space is so saturated. And I'm always asking the question, like, well, what are we doing differently than any of the other million podcasts out there? Everyone and their mom, from nobody's like us to people on reality TV to whatever, like everybody is picking up a microphone and speaking into it and then releasing it into the ether. and so I think there's always a push and pull when it comes to only human in terms of like what we enjoy. And then what we feel like is needed in the market or like what's being perceived in a positive way to the audience. And I don't think we've even landed on that secret sauce yet. No. I know I don't think there will. Like I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to find that thing instead of like just leaning into the things that feel good and then naturally like those other things will come. But it is a hard thing like to put out a podcast and be like, we do a podcast. And because I think that podcasts have truly just gotten such a bad rap lately because like Everyone with some sort of status feels the need to pick up a microphone. And like not everyone should be picking up a microphone if that makes sense. I mean, some would argue we shouldn't. I was gonna say we shouldn't. Some people some people would say we shouldn't, but but you know, like just because like someone gets famous on reality TV, then they start a podcast and it's like okay. And I think like a lot of it is people are just curious in their lives, like they wanna know what's going on with them because they like them as a personality. But yeah, so I feel like podcasts have just gotten such a bad rap and like this is one of the things obviously that we started with and we're really passionate about and love to do, but we're just like, okay, we don't wanna we wanna be so purposeful about like differentiating ourselves and actually bringing value and bringing something different. And I feel like that's always like our Achilles heel is like we don't know what that thing is. Mm-hmm. I know the mission is consistent, but I think the means to achieve the mission is always a little bit in flux. ⁓ And I think we've kind of felt that that we lean into different things and the podcast is always something we come back to. But sometimes the listenership isn't where we want it to be. Sometimes we go through lulls of like what we want to talk about. ⁓ but I think right now it just makes sense to bring back with you being in Florida and me still being in Philadelphia. We're like, you know what? Put aside the topics that we're gonna talk about, put aside the numbers that we're gonna get. Let's just Bring it back and just see how it goes. And it kind of fits nicely into something we're already doing, which is our newsletter. We send it out every Monday, and there's a little segment that's called How Are We Actually Doing? And we kind of break down our week and we talk about if we're battling loneliness, anxiety, maybe it's a really good week and we're finding our groove. But I think this is going to be a little bit of like a double click on that, and we can expand. And I think if anything, the practice of writing an update. on our mental state week after week really just goes to show how often it changes. And so I think really the material of this podcast here is just gonna be how we're actually feeling and just helping each other navigate that real time as two best friends. Yeah, no. And I think that that was kind of like an aha moment where you were like, ⁓ we already do this and people actually really seem to like that portion because it's like it helps them get to know us, but it also kind of like hopefully makes them feel less alone because I you know, you see things on social media like I moved to Florida or whatever, this and that. We went to this event, but like on the inside, maybe we're like not feeling so great, or maybe we are feeling that high. And I always wanna highlight that like I never want this to be like a like a negative thing. Like we want to tell you what we're battling with or like what we're working through. Like I definitely want to like highlight the times where we're feeling really good because I feel like sometimes being in this space, you feel the need to always talk about like the the bad things or like the struggles or like how you overcame something. And I feel like it's really important to also like touch on the highs and like talk about how you're feeling great or how you're feeling really inspired or creative or whatever it may be. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Just like embracing the ebbs and flows of life and all the human emotions that come with it. ⁓ speaking of, I wanna dive into how you're feeling right now. Because this is like your first, I feel like official week in Florida where like you're settled. I know it's been a grueling process. So yeah, can you just like fill us in on how you felt like leading up to getting to Florida and then like the process to get there and getting settled? It it literally feels like so long ago. Like I can almost not even remember how I felt before. ⁓ I think I when people would ask me how I was feeling, I truly was like, I'm feeling every emotion. Like I'm feeling emotional, I'm feeling sad, I'm feeling like guilty, I'm feeling super excited and like happy, anxious, like excited to get there. ⁓ and like set up our space and see this and see that and I just truly was like minute to minute feeling like a different emotion. And I think that's like super normal, especially with something like as big as this. ⁓ when you have like a bunch of different people, like some people are really happy for you, some people are really sad that you're leaving, some people are like don't understand why or whatever. So I think it's just like I was just feeling every single emotion like all the time. ⁓ but we had like a little going away gathering. ⁓ The Friday. So like literally the night before that we left. The night before we left. That was like a little bit more emotional. And like there was like goodbyes and crying and hugs. And after that was over and we woke up the next morning and started to drive, I really felt like really good. Like I felt like I was able to kind of close that chapter. Like, okay, like the goodbye sad is like over. I feel good that I saw all my people and was able to like spend time and whatever. And now like I'm ready for this new chapter to start. And so yeah, I mean, after like waking up that morning, I think it was just all like excitement and bliss and like ready for the next adventure. I always say I feel like anticipation, it's both the best and the worst part. But it's if you have a big life transition ahead of you and you're just waiting for it to happen. One hundred percent before saying your goodbyes and like fully closing that chapter at home, I can imagine that's agony. But the one thing I'm sure you kept coming back to was like this next chapter, A, I know it's what I want, but B, it's going to be with my person. And so I feel like having Aunt by your side. ⁓ my god. Has been a game changer. What has your relationship been like? Both the ups and the downs, like In times you've needed to lean on each other, in times that this transition has tested the relationship. If you read the newsletter last week, you might have an idea of where this is gonna go. But I will start off by saying like we have a very, very strong relationship and like not much really rattles us. ⁓ and like we'll go on vacation. Like I always reference this time we went on vacation for nine days, just the two of us on a cruise. And we literally worked feeling in bliss and like in love and whatever until the second we went home. Like we didn't want to leave. And I think about couples that go on vacation and they like can't stand each other after three days. And I'm like, we truly like we're just so good together. And so with all of the stress that has been going into this move, I have been like wonder like it's been overwhelming for the both of us. And we have like I think butting heads is a little dramatic, but like I think our patience with each other has really been tested and in a way that it hasn't really before. Like we've been with each other twenty four seven since basically two weeks from today. Like aside from like Aunt went for a bike ride yesterday. Like pretty much like Aunt went to the bathroom yesterday. I didn't see it for two minutes. No. No, seriously. That is like the extent of which we've been apart from each other. we've it's it's been our relationship not our relationship has been tested, but like we're definitely seeing a new side of like our relationship, if that makes sense. So just for like some context, I guess, like God, did you want to say something? I was just gonna say I think that's only natural because you're doing this whole process with each other and that's it. Like you didn't hire movers. Like you didn't get a cleaner to like come scrub the apartment. Like you guys are doing it end to end. And there's only two of you. You you don't have help from like family because you're down in Florida. So I think that's also super natural that you guys are both probably exhausted and overwhelmed. Yeah. I'm sure that plays into it. So yeah, I mean we had like this my god, I don't even know how big it was, like fifteen by eight s storage unit. That was like it was a pot. So it got shipped down to Florida. So we drove down. That got delivered like the day later and we had to unload that in basically like two days and then unpack everything and then decide what's going into storage, what's not. And I think like for me that has been so overwhelming because it's like I just have decision fatigue. Like we came from a two bedroom house with a basement to a one bedroom apartment with a clo one closet for the like. And we have so much stuff. So like we've culminated so many things that like would be helpful in a house, in a two-bedroom apartment. If we had an extra closet, we'd like to keep it in here. So like the decision fatigue from like deciding what to keep what, what to put in storage. If I'm gonna need it, do I wanna give it away? Am I gonna use it in the next two years? Like I'm like, well, we're planning on getting a two-bedroom, so I'm gonna keep this hairdryer because I can put it in there. Like, and it's just it has been like insanity, basically. ⁓ so I and then not to mention we've been waking up and going to bed at like ten, eleven o'clock at night and like what we do in between there is just like work on putting things away and organizing it, cleaning. So like I've been physically and mentally exhausted and so has he, and like so we have just been like short patienced. I think like me more than him. ⁓ because I feel like I have short patience naturally. So just as for a no please. He's gonna start the the petition, honestly. but yeah, so it has just been like and I like thought to myself, like, why are we kind of like short patienced with each other? Like we went on a nine day vacation and like that's just our cadence. Like we don't really get sick of each other or whatever. And I'm like, it's because we're both so exhausted that like we just don't have anything left. Yeah. And there hasn't been a lot of like fun things that we've been doing. We've been trying to do like little fun things here and there, like checking out a new spot for breakfast or like whatever. ⁓ we went in the hot tub last night, but other than that, we haven't really done like a ton of fun stuff. So it's just been like all worth no play, exhaustion, emotions, and like it has really taken a toll on me for sure. Are you guys unsettled now? And feeling like Yesterday was the day that we got finally everything out that doesn't need to be in here. Otherwise before yesterday, there was still like boxes of decorations and stuff because that was kind of the last thing. Like I needed everything to go well before I could figure out like what decorations I was gonna keep out. So now we are settled. And like I did the final clean. Like we weren't even walking in here like barefoot, like shoes only, like because I didn't like mop or anything. So it it was like We we make it hard on ourselves. Let me just let me just say that. We make it a lot harder on ourselves. Like you guys debate that like particular, like and germophobic and like whatever. So well, no, one hundred percent, because you're subletting this apartment what, like six months or so. So it's not like it can't be like brand. They didn't clean it. Right. And you that's your home now. You wanna make it feel like yours. And anybody that knows you know you guys you have a high standard for your living arrangements. Which is not a bad thing. I think ⁓ as you grow into a mature adult, you do have high standards. You don't want to live like a f college student anymore. So yes, you guys got in there, you deep cleaned it and ⁓ you did the things that you had to do to ultimately feel the way you're feeling now, which is settled and hopefully it's just up from here. I know you mentioned you guys have plans to go to the beach later. So hopefully that fun stuff is gonna start to come. It is. And we honestly like we only have ⁓ we don't have a couch. And we don't have dining room chairs. So this is our setup. We have beach chairs. Tommy Bahama. Personal Instagram story. Tell me Bahama is my official sponsor of my apartment. Is a couch on the way? Are we No. So we were gonna go couch shopping today, but that was like one of the other things that kind of put me over the edge was like the couch shopping because it was just like the decision making. Like I found something that I really like, but it's too expensive, and then like Some things aren't comfortable but they look nice and then like we really love this one, but it's not gonna fit and that it's like a whole that decision fatigue is like so real and it's running rampant in this house right now. I do feel like You might catch it if you come in. Catch the bug. You might catch it. I think once you're able to push through that last iota of decision fatigue, getting that couch in that apartment I think is gonna make you feel a million times better. Imagine just plopping on a nice comfy couch with your dinner, watching a show. Like I think that's gonna be exactly what that apartment needs. Yeah. For sure. I mean a beach chair is only so comfortable, you know what I mean? Thankfully they have a little pillow on the back. But wait, this I would I had a point when I said that. About the couch. I don't know. But I do I wanna ⁓ no, no. So like you were like, I hope that you guys are doing more fun things. And I was gonna say that like we were gonna go couch shopping all day today, but today's Friday. So we have Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and then I start work Monday. So I've been like extra anxious about like actually getting fun in while I have this time off before I start work again. And ⁓ so we were gonna couch shop all day today, but last night I had like a little bit of a I don't know what you wanna call it, but I was like I I think we need to just like table it. So we're tabling the couch shopping and we're gonna go to the beach today and just have fun this weekend. And then the couch can we 'cause that's mini food mets off. Absolutely. Yeah. And room wasn't built in a day. You guys have been hammering the last week. So as you should, this is like your first proper weekend there. And you guys have worked all week for this. So especially before you start your job, which leads me to my next question. I feel like we've talked a lot about like the transition and getting settled. But now that you are settled, like what does life look like for you in Florida? Like can you talk about your new job a little bit? Like can you talk about your schedule and just like what you're hoping to get out of this Florida chapter in terms of like a day-to-day sense? That's such a good question because I feel like I've been so focused on like this stuff, like the need to do that I haven't really like envisioned too much, like I can create this new reality and like what I want that to look like. ⁓ so my new job, for those of you who don't know, I am a nurse, but I'm not going to be clinical anymore. So I'm not going to be like directly working with patients during patient care. So I'm going to be working for a like home care company, but I'm going to be enrolling patients like in the home care program. So some days I'll be like in a corporate office doing kind of like chart review and stuff. And the other days I'll be at Tampa General Hospital. ⁓ At the at the bedside, like talking to patients, like kind of getting their consent and telling them about the program. So it sounds like a really nice mix of like human interaction versus like computer work. ⁓ the hospital's like less than a mile, I think, from the house, which is like a game changer. If you know that I had like a really long commute to chop when I was working there. ⁓ and I'm really excited because it's four tens and it's a set schedule. So, like if you listen to season one, I think you would know that like I said I was. craving this like predictability in my life and like before working through twelve and every third weekend, like every single week looks different. My days are really long and it just you can't get into a good groove. And I said that like with my next thing, I really want a good like work life balance where I'm able to like have my routine and be able to stick with it. So I'm really excited for that because I want to create like a really good routine that's like good for my mental health. Like Movement, reading, things like that. Yeah. I'm so excited for you because I feel like this opportunity is the perfect mix. Like I love how it's still in a hospital. So it's has that like familiarity. You're still in your wheelhouse, but it's like different enough where you'll get that sense of novelty. And I feel like you'll just be like inspired again. Not only are you in a new location, but like meeting new people. Like I just think this is gonna be really, really good for you. Yeah. How are you gonna get to work? Are you Biking, are walking? Are driving? I don't know yet. Okay. ⁓ I'm I think I might try to walk, but I don't exactly know like how far it is. Like I think it's a like twenty minutes, but or like what the walk. I think that'll be fine. Yeah. Like I I don't know. I have to figure it out. But I think I'm gonna either like walk or bike. But you know, the thing about Florida is that you can't bank on the weather. Like it's sunny one second and the other second it's like downpouring. So I don't wanna get caught in that. So I don't know. We'll just have to feel it out. But I'm trying not to drive if I don't have to. Cause you guys have one car down there or two? We do. I have one car. One car. Okay. So yeah, if Ann's gonna be home for some of the day or he needs to like, you know, get anywhere, he probably should have a a mode to do that. Well, and I think that his schedule might work out too, where he can drop me off before he goes to work because I'm seven five. So I think he might be able to at least like drop. That's true. 'Cause it's like s ⁓ like not even a seven minute drive, I think. So Yeah. Yeah, we'll just be my show for it. ⁓ well, I'm excited and you know, starting a new job in three days. I know there's some sometimes some anticipation or like anxiety that goes into it, but I I truly feel like this is the start of a really good chapter. So ⁓ my gosh, yeah. I'm really excited. I actually don't have any nerves. I mean I don't really feel like I'm starting a new job. Maybe when it comes to like Sunday night, I will, but right now I feel good. Yeah. Well. So we'll be sure to get the download next week on our podcast to see how your first week of work went. Enough about me. I'll talk about you. Because I feel like you've been kind of like battling with some stuff in your personal life that like I haven't even not that I haven't been privy to, but like I feel like you had like kind of a belt of anxiety that you were dealing with. And like I kind of found out through that. about that through the newsletter and like so I'm just tell me like what's going on. Like and I know I heard you say you were at my house and you were like, I don't know, summer just like hasn't really felt like I'm ready for fall and like you love the summer. So like, I don't know, what's what's your summer been like? I know. Well I don't even feel like it is summer anymore. I'm like, thank God summer's over and yeah, I mean it's funny 'cause I never really loved summer. And I think that's because I never really loved the heat, but I think after college, summer became grueling in the sense that like when I was working in finance, I never really felt like the summer was mine. And then I feel like I kind of reclaimed that power in 2022 when I went on that whole corporate hiatus and I quit my job and I had a stint of like three ish summers there where I got to live down the shore either because I was on that hiatus from working a corporate job or my corporate job was fully remote. And I was teaching Pilates down there and I kind of had a really, really nice balance. And a lot of my friends and my family were also spending a lot of time down the shore. But this summer, I don't know, it really just I think it all started on the wrong foot because May twenty ninth I got let go of my corporate job that I had been with For over two and a half years, which if you know me, I usually like hit that year mark and I'm like, I get the itch. I'm like, all right, I feel like it's Groundhog's Day. ⁓ but I think because this was remote work and I was always switching up the project that I was on, the clients that I was working with, I just really found enough change that no day looked the same. And I was genuinely happy because it allowed me to have that structure of a full time job, but then it also allowed me to live a really fulfilling life outside of it. With only human. Like if me and you talked about that a lot, like about how, you know, you took the the morning off to do whatever and you know, your boss was like, ⁓ my god have fun. Like they were very much on board with what you're doing. Yes. Yeah. And I will say the LECO was not a surprise. I feel like the company had kind of been trending in that direction. And I am not the victim by any means because I said the words, I will go down with the ship and At one point the company had 70 employees. And then, you know, on May twenty ninth, I was one of like three left to be let go. They just let go of all of the consultants. And so I knew it was coming. I think I wish and I expected a little bit more runway in terms of, hey, we are going to close the door, whatever in in this month. And so I think that caught me a little bit by surprise. But I wanted to have this like silver lining mindset in the sense that I was like, all right, you know what? This timing is perfect. It's about to be summer. I teach down the shore, you know, at Seaport Pier, Pilates every weekend. That can be a nice little cash cow. I can just enjoy the summer and then, you know, hit the pavement in the fall. But I don't know. Something about coming to a halt that quickly, professionally and personally, considering only human was stalling a little bit and we were intentionally just kind of like focusing on events, but we didn't have like the podcast. We took a break in August and then in September, like I just felt like I was flailing and that all of the things that once took up like my time and energy were either no longer or were no longer feeling successful. And as much as we preach that your productivity does not contribute to your worth, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really, really mentally struggling because I just felt like a fat fucking loser. Like I said that to multiple people in my life. I'm like I just don't feel like I'm contributing to society in any way. Like I'm serving others. Like I'm I have any purpose. You were like, I'm so sick of doing things for myself. Like that's all I do all day is like things that are for me. Right. And I also, you know, over the summer, from like May until late August, like a couple of my friends had babies. Like right now, my core childhood friend group of eight, we have four babies about to be five in like the next come like couple months. So I think I also just saw my best friends that I grew up with and have always been in lockstep with like moving into this next chapter and just serving such a greater purpose on this earth. Like giving birth to another human and then taking care of it. And then I'm like, and then I like don't even have a full time job right now. And I'm like doing my silly little Pilates thing and mental health company on the side. Like I just felt like I was I mean, no, I'm kidding. But it it did kind of feel like everything in my life was stalling. and it was pushing me into some old habits of the what could have been, right? And I'm like, well, I have a Wharton degree. Why aren't I making X amount of dollars? Like I feel like you can forego the money when you feel like what you're doing is moving the needle or like really scratching that itch of like I'm waking up every day and like living out my purpose. But like I no longer felt that either. So I was like, what is this all for? And did I like misstep and take myself so far off the track that I'm supposed to be on that it's gonna be like a really big uphill battle or impossible to revert. And so I really think I fell into like this deep, deep spiral of not only just like questioning where I was at in the present moment, but like every decision I've ever made to get there. Yeah. You know? What do you think? I don't really have But it's not. We end up here. Exactly. What do you think the balance is though between like 'cause I know the rest of the story obviously, but like what do think the balance is between like kind of changing your mindset around it and like focusing on the things that fulfill you or like feel good and also trying to fix that problem of like feeling like you don't contribute to society. Like what is the balance there? Because I do think that you can't just like live your life like I'm doing things for me and like this is what feels good, like willy-nilly, but like obviously having intention and purpose behind it. But then also like like it's also something like you said that we preach, like your prodic your productivity isn't equal to like your worth or does that make sense? Like what is that balance? I honestly don't know because I think it's different for every person. And I think for me, I have always tried to live a very like purpose driven life. Like even going back to my childhood, which I think everything goes back to childhood, like feeling like being an athlete every second of my day was blocked off for something, whether it was sports, whether it was homework, whatever. And then like I think that kind of continued when we were doing only human and I had the corporate job alongside it full time. And then it all just like came to a screeching halt. And so I think it had to take a lot of like work for me to be like, you know what? This is going to be a slower season of my life. And some days it is going to be Tuesday at 9 a.m. And I'm going to have the luxury of sitting in front of my puzzle with my matcha and doing it. And it's going to feel so wrong and uncomfortable. And all the people in my life around me are either going to be going to work or taking care of a kid. But I can't put myself down because this is my current state. Yeah. However, I think accepting that is fine. But if it's not making me feel good on the inside, the onus is on me to do something about it. And I think that's where I am now, where I've been really, really burnt out in the past. starting from like high school, working my ass off to try to get to Penn, the grueling four years at Penn and then the four years in finance. Like I I feel like I really, really needed to take a beat. And I think I've taken more than a beat over the last like three, four years. Like I really feel like I was like, I'm living in La La land and I'm ready to like turn things up a notch. And I think the balance lies in accepting my current state and giving myself grace, but also taking matters into my own hands to be like, if you're not happy with where you are, then do something about it. Like literally the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. And so I've really been taking Little baby steps. For example, last night it was like eight o'clock and I was catching up on Santa's thing with the stars. But while I was doing that, I had my laptop in front of me and I was sending emails out to local high schools and colleges about keynote speaking. Because even though you're down in Florida and we haven't even d addressed about what only human is gonna look like in this capacity, doing it from a thousand miles away. ⁓ I can't let that stop me from stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something that I feel like makes an impact and really fills me up. And so for a while over the summer, I think I was resistant to even take the little steps because I felt like I was in so deep into that like rut that it was so hard to crawl out of. ⁓ but I think I've learned doing a little bit of something is better than nothing. ⁓ and so just taking action has really helped me. I think also we c like sometimes we need to be put back in that position that like doesn't feel good to then realize like ⁓ wait I don't want to be in the corporate nine to five, whatever. Like sometimes like when you're so far away from that, you almost need to suscept yourself. Does that make sense? Or what am I looking for? Succumb to? No. Like put yourself in it. Like for example Immerse yourself yourself back. Yeah, yeah. Make yourself susceptible. Immerse yourself. Immerse yourself. ⁓ I'm losing my damn mind over here. ⁓ my god. Yeah. Yeah. Just like jump back. Sometimes you need to like immerse yourself into the thing, like just say, you know, you were feeling really bad and you like got another job in finance. And then you're like, ⁓ wait, actually I remember all the things. Like sometimes you need to like feel that pain again to remember your purpose and to like have drive in other ways. That makes sense. Yeah. I think as humans we have This like deep belief that the grass is always greener. And it's not until we get on the other side. And it's funny, even if you've been on that side before. Yes. Like right now. I've been in like the girl boss, make a lot of money, like finance, whatever. And I'm like, mm-mm, this isn't it. I got super burnt out. And then I went the complete opposite end of the spectrum and was living in Australia teaching Pilates and waitressing at night. And now here I am, I like found that middle ground. But because I feel like only human maybe isn't taking off the way that we wanted or I'm not feeling fulfillment in other areas, then I'm like, hmm. Mm-hmm. Now I'm chasing the shiny thing again. Yes. And I'm like, is the grass actually greener when I'm making a lot of money and like telling people that my job is impressive. You know what I mean? Like it's just Yeah. It's it's a loop. I think I think that is the loop of life, literally. It really is. And I think we do a really good job of like not staying in the loop and actually just being like aware of where we're at, even if we are it's somewhere undesirable, like we are aware that we're there and that we don't want to be there and continually try to like make changes. Like like you said, taking action is like there's nothing more Important, I guess. And just and empowering something. It doesn't have to be the thing. Just do something. Like something that can like that next best next best step. Kind of thing. Yeah. So think about it right now. Go ahead. Sorry, I was gonna say I think it plays into like that mindset and that I think a lot of therapists try to ⁓ ingrain in their clients. Like that didn't happen to you. You're not the victim. You have your power. And I think similarly when you start taking action you feel like you're playing the most pivotal role in your story and you have the autonomy to change the trajectory. And I feel like that's the most important part is to feel like you can wake up every day and decide. And I think getting out of that mental loop, like that's what that's what ultimately kind of like makes you change course and like just even feel like start feeling better again. Right. Yeah. Sorry, what was your question? So where are you at now? So like You have a part-time job, like a part-time corporate job. Like what's going on there? How are you feeling mentally? Yeah, I guess I didn't even really touch on that. So since getting let go from my full time job, I've since partnered up with two people who I used to work with at that company that have, you know, kind of set off and started their own thing. Very, very similar works and similar clients, leaning in in a little bit of like a business development capacity. And that's really brought me a little bit more structure. in my day, which I think is exactly what I needed. I think some days I crave more and then other days I love my flexibility and I love that I only have to work for four hours a day instead of eight. So I think right now it is just honestly to to just lean into the work that I do have and to just really try to get clear about like what this next chapter looks like. Even as we wrap our heads around only human, like I really am ready. to start leaning into Only Human more. And I know we don't have the answers in terms of like what this next chapter of Only Human looks like, especially with you being in Florida and me being in Philadelphia. But this is still a really big part of my life. And I think this is something that fills me up. And so with where I'm at mentally, like I would also love to really lean into OnlyHuman and get clear on how we can continue to make this more successful and scale it. Cause I think that's A hundred percent the dream scenario. Like here we are talking about your new job that you're starting on Monday, me getting let go of my full time job, doing a part time job, and like maybe going back into like a full time corporate setting. But I think we're we're not talking about only human and what we want for this brand. And I think it's important to just explicitly say like that's still the dream that like this will be the full time gig one day, and we believe in the mission. But I think we're just taking people along the journey of like the gray area of we're in the reality that w right now we kind of have to play both sides because only human isn't making a like making us a living yet. It's not lucrative. ⁓ but when I think about the future, this is probably what gives me the most hope. Yeah. I mean, I I know you said that you're ready. Like I feel like I'm almost ready. Like I genuinely, like I don't know if you can say the same, but I genuinely was feeling very uninspired, like late summer. Very uninspired. And like I think that that's so important to call out that like you can have this greater mission and believe in it and you can still feel uninspired by it, or like you don't have the right answers or like you don't even know what you want to do with it or how you wanna put it out into the world. And I think that just like the culmination of all the things that were going on in my personal life from watch selling my house to September, you know, actually moving to Florida. Like there have just been a lot of things like in our personal lives that have been going on. Like I just have not had the capacity for even the good things, like to dream up what only human could look like, to get creative. And like those parts of my brain have just been like there's no energy left for that basically. And so like now that I I'm getting more settled here. I'm gonna start my job and I'm gonna have like Tuesdays and Fridays off. Like I can dedicate time to like get creative and get inspired again. And I'm like I'm really excited for that, but I'm just like I I like need to feel like really ready to do that again. You know. Well, it makes all the sense in the world. And the beauty is that there is no rush, honestly. We're not racing against a time clock and we're in a position where we don't have to figure this thing out tomorrow or make money from it tomorrow. Like we're doing this because we genuinely still love it. and it is a passion project. It is a hobby, but taking the little steps of bringing the podcast back and again, taking the power back into our hands and doing something rather than nothing, I think that's exactly the same state we're in now. ⁓ so I think it is important to just call out that yes, we were like burning the candle at both ends, running in a million different directions, doing all the things for a year and a half. And then the novelty and inspiration ran a little bit dry. And we took a step back because we can and we're gonna figure it out and kind of take it at our own pace. But ⁓ yeah, I have no doubt that we'll we'll find that groove again and we'll keep the people informed as we do. I feel like the as I'm like talking about it like the people are like definitely tired of hearing about this. They're ⁓ this again. They're like, You don't want to hear about your confusion. They're like, figure it the fuck out. But honestly, isn't that what this brand let me know? This brand is all about figuring it out. And it's so exhausting sometimes to like see people start things or whether it's a show or a product and it just looks like they snap their fingers and it happens. Nobody talks about like the back and forth, the conversations leading up, the strategy, the execution of it, like the doubts. The missteps, like it's all part of the process, but nobody sheds light on it. And you're right, maybe a lot of people aren't interested in the in between. But for two girls who had podcasts called Figure It Outtable and Figuring It Out and then ultimately created Only Human, I think it is our thing you were gonna get. Yeah, I think it's our duty to shed light on this part of the process. So No, I agree. Thank I was gonna w let you wrap it up and you looked at me. I was gonna I'm like are it was kind of like are we ready? Is that all we're doing? so previously we you know, actually every single season of the podcast has had a different closing segment. So the first one was mental health resources for the week. Then we have since put that into our newsletter. Another reason you should subscribe to our newsletter. we put our mental health resources of the week in there. And then season two was our only human moment, which you know We must not be that human because we had a really hard time figuring out our only human moment. Where we have hella bad recalls. No, but I think that's the latter. Definitely it's the latter. ⁓ I actually had an Only Human moment that I wanted to share because I thought it would be a really funny it would it's definitely gonna give somebody a laugh for that Monday morning. But ⁓ maybe I'll do that and then we can introduce our new closing segment. Perfect. So as I said, I was couch shopping and you know how like you like plop down on the couch. Yeah. You just like you're just like, I need to know like am I gonna bounce back? Like am I gonna sing whatever. So I just gonna send me to the moon. Like like my old couch, but ⁓ so I was wearing shorts and I plopped on this couch and my legs clap together and make like a huge fart noise. Like like literally like so bad. Like like so loud. And Go. My first reaction was, ⁓ God. So I'm like, I'm by myself. I'm like, there's a big fart noise. And a big boy hand with you. He's like in a different part of the store. Well I called him over, but he had already started walking to another part of the store. So afterwards I called him over. But so if there's a big fart noise, I go, ⁓ God. Or like something of that nature. And then this man turns around and looks me in the face and like had this disgusted look on because he thought it was a fart. was just cracking up. I like, all right, well this man's just gonna want to stay away from me. That's fine. ⁓ my called Ann over and I told him what happened and I couldn't stop laughing about it. You're like babe you're gonna have to test the couches from now on. I'm not plopping down on Nopp and then I and then I did it again to show him and I was able to replicate it. I was like okay that was definitely not fine. Well once you guys go couch shopping again, I'm gonna need him to record it and to record the fart. Yeah, we'll put in our newsletter. Maybe that's window will go right. Okay. ⁓ okay. So our new season three segment, I'm actually so excited about this one. And I think it's gonna drive a lot of conversation in the podcast. It is intention setting for the week ahead. So we're each gonna set our intentions. And then I thought maybe it would be fun to talk about it on the next episode. Like, how did it go? I feel like that kind of goes into like how we're actually doing. But we can we can see if it doesn't Okay, no, that's cute. Mine's not that serious for this week, but it doesn't always have to be that serious. Life's not that serious. And I'm usually too serious. So this is a good balance. Heck with it. Go ahead, let's hear it. Okay, I'll go first. So my intention for this week is to really lean in to the fall. I'm a fall girl through and through. It's my absolute favorite season of the entire year. I always say Halloween season to me is even better than Christmas season. And the weather, despite the Norristern we're about to get this weekend, it's gonna just be rainy all Saturday and Sunday, the weather has been the absolute best. It's like fifties in the morning and it probably doesn't get anywhere above like 70. And so I just feel like I wanna be very present where my feet are. I feel like this is just a way to take the weight off of like the heaviness of life and the big decisions and just to enjoy the small moments. So whether that's like the cool temperatures when I go for my walks. Right have a pumpkin latte candle. I have the window open. I'm nice and cozy. ⁓ so yeah, just enjoying my favorite part of the year. I love that. And I feel like it's so nice to have fall as your favorite season because for me, summer's my favorite season, and then my birthday's at the very end of the summer. And so I get the fall scaries usually. Like when I started to get cold, like not this year, not until it's like Christmas time. ⁓ but yeah, I get like It's almost like an impending doom feeling. Like and it's also like the start of school. Like it's just that cadence of trauma. I think everyone is so little tea trauma. Little T trauma, Fall Scaries. I'm curious if people are like a false scaries person. I feel like a lot it's it's kind of like trendy right now, but like love fall. Just saying. No. I think I loved it before the trend, but I think it's trendy. Maybe. I just think like fall brings new energy and like As somebody who thrives off of routine and structure, I was desperately craving that all summer long. I try to embrace the lack of structure and just going with the flow. But it's like my jam to be like, all right, let's get back on a routine and back on the schedule. ⁓ I think fall's always been a thing. I think you're just refusing to believe it because you're a little summer lover over there. Like nothing. What's your intention? my intention is being social and like taking the initiative to talk to people. So Or context, like I'm starting my new job on Monday, probably maybe as you guys are listening to this, hopefully. and normally I feel like I'd be the person that's kind of just like quiet and like waits to be introduced to someone or like doesn't really like say hi to people passing in the hallway, like that kind of vibe. Like not like mean mugging anybody, but just like keeping to keep to myself. But I really like part of my new. identity that I want to create for myself down here is just being like social and like being a friendly face. Yeah warm I want to like Yeah and like not like giving judgmental vibes. You know, just like someone that like looks approachable and like I don't know says hi like goes out of their way to say hi to you or something. So with my new job I feel like that's gonna be a great way to practice. Yeah. Are you gonna tell your coworkers about OnlyHuman or are you gonna keep that close to the chest? It's definitely not a secret, but I'm not gonna go around being like, I have podcast. You should listen to new episodes. The little mental health No, they're gonna listen to this and they're gonna be like, She was not hobbling. Okay. That's was that was mainly the reason I was asking, 'cause I'm thinking I'm like they'll keep you honest. They'll be like, This is her intention for the week. No, I absolutely ⁓ think that that is who you are to your core. I think somewhere along the way you've like built up a shell or at least that's a story that you tell yourself. But I think part of this next chapter is also just allowing yourself to be the human that you are and you are warm, you are approachable, you are deep, like you're all of the things that you wanna be. So I think this will be a good way to just prove that to yourself because all the people that know you and love you already know that. Yeah. Thank you so much. You always have so many things to say. Well, I'm your best friend, so it's your It's my job. And I mean it. Thank you. Well, that's a wrap on episode one of season three. Yay, it's gonna be so good. I'm really excited for the season. I'm excited too, just because it'll be a way to see each other's faces every week. Yeah. It's our little date. We'll get we'll get a couch update. We'll see if there's a couch here. Yeah. We'll hold you accountable. Yeah, exactly. Like so much out lunch. All right. Well, thank you guys so much for listening to We'll catch you next week. Bye.