WEBVTT
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Three men are talking about the first time they had
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sex with their girlfriends. First guy says, first time, I
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00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:10.599
was so drunk that after sex, out of habit, I
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00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:14.000
handed her $ 50. She slapped me and called me a whoremonger.
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Second guy says, the same thing happened to me, but
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00:00:17.179 --> 00:00:21.149
I was stoned. After sex I handed her $ 60. She
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slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week,
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third guy says, it was much worse for me. Why?
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How did she react? I was drunk and stoned. After
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we had sex, I gave her a $ 100 bill. She
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00:00:33.390 --> 00:00:37.250
slapped you too? No. She gave me $ 30 in change.
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Ever have sex while camping? It's fucking intense. Three cowboys
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00:00:45.259 --> 00:00:47.530
were sitting around a campfire talking about how tough they are.
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First cowboy said, I'm so tough, I've been bitten by
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00:00:50.859 --> 00:00:52.829
10 different rattlesnakes and I'm here to tell about it.
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00:00:53.679 --> 00:00:56.219
Second cowboy said, well I'm so tough, I've been gored
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by the horns of a bull and stomped on by
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a bucking bronco. Third cowboy sat quietly, stoking the fire
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with his penis. For as long as anyone could remember,
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this Indian chief was responsible for naming all the children
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born in the tribe. One day, one brave asked the chief,
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how do you come up with the names for all
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these children? The chief said, it's very simple. When a
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child is born, and I see snow gently falling, I say,
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you shall be called snow gently falling. And when a
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child is born, and I see a hawk flying over,
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I say, you shall be named, hawk flying over. But
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tell me two dogs fucking, why are you so interested?
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What's worse than being arrested for indecent exposure? The arresting
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officer looking you over and deciding to send you to
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00:01:37.730 --> 00:01:41.829
the juvenile court. You know what a 69 is but
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00:01:41.849 --> 00:01:44.530
do you know what a 6.9 is? A great time
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ruined by a period. Things are going great with my
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new girlfriend, except we're still figuring out how compatible we
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are in the bedroom. But we're working out the kinks.
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You know what a 68 is? It's like a 69
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except I owe you one. Husband and wife are sunbathing
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at a nudist beach. When suddenly a bee flies straight
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into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror and frantically
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tells her husband what happened. He scoops her up into
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his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to
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the hospital. At the hospital, the doctor tries a few
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different ways to remove the bee with each one failing.
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The doctor comes up with an idea, turns to the
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husband and says, we will coat your penis with honey,
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00:02:23.569 --> 00:02:26.009
you insert it into your wife. When you feel the
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00:02:26.050 --> 00:02:28.889
bee on your head, you slowly remove it. The husband
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00:02:28.909 --> 00:02:30.789
gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic
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00:02:30.810 --> 00:02:33.389
driving and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection.
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The doctor says, with both your permissions, I can perform
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the procedure. Fearing that the bee can do damage in there,
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they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs,
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smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly
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inserts his honey-coated penis a few inches into the wife's vagina.
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Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws
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a few inches. There he is. No, lost him. I
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think I got him. No, no. Lost him again. Over
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the next 20 minutes the doctor's comments have turned to
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00:03:03.530 --> 00:03:06.270
grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his
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face as he pumps the wife vigorously. The wife is
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00:03:09.050 --> 00:03:11.330
moaning wildly and has locked her legs around the doctor's hips.
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The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, doctor,
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tell me what's happening. What's going on in there? Doctor replies,
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change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker.
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An old lady named Rose, with dementia, liked riding her
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scooter around the old folks' home. It only did 5
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miles per hour, but in her mind she was moving
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at breakneck speeds. The other residents and staff liked to
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00:03:34.240 --> 00:03:36.949
humor her. One staff member held out her hand like
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a cop, pulling her over. She said, Rose, you were speeding.
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I'll need to see your driver's license. Rose pulls a
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picture of her grandchildren out of her purse and hands
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it over. The staff member tells her she's free to go.
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Resuming riding, she's soon pulled over by Mabel, one of
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the other residents. Mabel informs Rose that there have been
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reports of a stolen car matching the description of Rose's scooter.
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I'll need to see your registration. Rose pulls an expired
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coupon out, Mabel inspects it, and informs Rose that she's
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free to go. Rose zooms off down a hallway and
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accidentally makes a turn into George's room, another resident, instead
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of the next hallway. She crashes into his coffee table. George,
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hearing the commotion, comes running out of the bathroom, dick
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in hand. Rose yells out, not another breathalyzer test. I'm
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Johnson Hazard. Stay tuned to the end of the episode
85
00:04:25.310 --> 00:04:28.060
for a bonus joke. Before I go, be sure to
86
00:04:28.110 --> 00:04:30.009
check out the official Not Safe for Work joke button
87
00:04:30.050 --> 00:04:34.230
on Amazon. 101 preloaded dirty, crass, and raunchy jokes all
88
00:04:34.269 --> 00:04:37.209
in a neat little electronic button. Designed to make Karens
89
00:04:37.250 --> 00:04:40.649
explode and HR departments busy. See the show notes page
90
00:04:40.689 --> 00:04:46.209
for links. Good night all. Thank you. If you like
91
00:04:46.230 --> 00:04:49.189
these dark, non-PC, Not Safe for Work jokes, please follow
92
00:04:49.230 --> 00:04:52.810
us on your podcast app. Just search for NSFW jokes
93
00:04:53.009 --> 00:04:55.889
in your podcast app. See the show notes page for
94
00:04:55.949 --> 00:05:03.220
social media links and joke credits. When is the weather
95
00:05:03.240 --> 00:05:05.870
like a vagina? When it's wet it's time to go inside.
1
00:00:03.140 --> 00:00:04.900
Three men are talking about the first time they had
2
00:00:04.960 --> 00:00:08.380
sex with their girlfriends. First guy says, first time, I
3
00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:10.599
was so drunk that after sex, out of habit, I
4
00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:14.000
handed her $ 50. She slapped me and called me a whoremonger.
5
00:00:14.880 --> 00:00:17.140
Second guy says, the same thing happened to me, but
6
00:00:17.179 --> 00:00:21.149
I was stoned. After sex I handed her $ 60. She
7
00:00:21.210 --> 00:00:22.769
slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week,
8
00:00:22.929 --> 00:00:25.870
third guy says, it was much worse for me. Why?
9
00:00:26.670 --> 00:00:30.210
How did she react? I was drunk and stoned. After
10
00:00:30.250 --> 00:00:33.369
we had sex, I gave her a $ 100 bill. She
11
00:00:33.390 --> 00:00:37.250
slapped you too? No. She gave me $ 30 in change.
12
00:00:39.530 --> 00:00:45.219
Ever have sex while camping? It's fucking intense. Three cowboys
13
00:00:45.259 --> 00:00:47.530
were sitting around a campfire talking about how tough they are.
14
00:00:48.399 --> 00:00:50.859
First cowboy said, I'm so tough, I've been bitten by
15
00:00:50.859 --> 00:00:52.829
10 different rattlesnakes and I'm here to tell about it.
16
00:00:53.679 --> 00:00:56.219
Second cowboy said, well I'm so tough, I've been gored
17
00:00:56.240 --> 00:00:57.820
by the horns of a bull and stomped on by
18
00:00:57.840 --> 00:01:01.539
a bucking bronco. Third cowboy sat quietly, stoking the fire
19
00:01:01.560 --> 00:01:05.670
with his penis. For as long as anyone could remember,
20
00:01:05.909 --> 00:01:08.230
this Indian chief was responsible for naming all the children
21
00:01:08.250 --> 00:01:11.370
born in the tribe. One day, one brave asked the chief,
22
00:01:11.609 --> 00:01:12.829
how do you come up with the names for all
23
00:01:12.849 --> 00:01:16.590
these children? The chief said, it's very simple. When a
24
00:01:16.629 --> 00:01:19.379
child is born, and I see snow gently falling, I say,
25
00:01:19.620 --> 00:01:22.480
you shall be called snow gently falling. And when a
26
00:01:22.500 --> 00:01:24.579
child is born, and I see a hawk flying over,
27
00:01:24.819 --> 00:01:28.099
I say, you shall be named, hawk flying over. But
28
00:01:28.140 --> 00:01:30.319
tell me two dogs fucking, why are you so interested?
29
00:01:32.540 --> 00:01:35.780
What's worse than being arrested for indecent exposure? The arresting
30
00:01:35.829 --> 00:01:37.689
officer looking you over and deciding to send you to
31
00:01:37.730 --> 00:01:41.829
the juvenile court. You know what a 69 is but
32
00:01:41.849 --> 00:01:44.530
do you know what a 6.9 is? A great time
33
00:01:44.590 --> 00:01:48.629
ruined by a period. Things are going great with my
34
00:01:48.670 --> 00:01:51.250
new girlfriend, except we're still figuring out how compatible we
35
00:01:51.280 --> 00:01:53.579
are in the bedroom. But we're working out the kinks.
36
00:01:55.819 --> 00:01:58.620
You know what a 68 is? It's like a 69
37
00:01:58.620 --> 00:02:03.060
except I owe you one. Husband and wife are sunbathing
38
00:02:03.109 --> 00:02:05.950
at a nudist beach. When suddenly a bee flies straight
39
00:02:05.969 --> 00:02:09.050
into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror and frantically
40
00:02:09.090 --> 00:02:11.750
tells her husband what happened. He scoops her up into
41
00:02:11.789 --> 00:02:13.770
his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to
42
00:02:13.789 --> 00:02:16.689
the hospital. At the hospital, the doctor tries a few
43
00:02:16.729 --> 00:02:18.669
different ways to remove the bee with each one failing.
44
00:02:19.430 --> 00:02:21.270
The doctor comes up with an idea, turns to the
45
00:02:21.310 --> 00:02:23.330
husband and says, we will coat your penis with honey,
46
00:02:23.569 --> 00:02:26.009
you insert it into your wife. When you feel the
47
00:02:26.050 --> 00:02:28.889
bee on your head, you slowly remove it. The husband
48
00:02:28.909 --> 00:02:30.789
gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic
49
00:02:30.810 --> 00:02:33.389
driving and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection.
50
00:02:34.150 --> 00:02:36.650
The doctor says, with both your permissions, I can perform
51
00:02:36.669 --> 00:02:39.430
the procedure. Fearing that the bee can do damage in there,
52
00:02:39.650 --> 00:02:42.629
they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs,
53
00:02:42.909 --> 00:02:46.129
smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly
54
00:02:46.189 --> 00:02:48.860
inserts his honey-coated penis a few inches into the wife's vagina.
55
00:02:49.620 --> 00:02:52.460
Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws
56
00:02:52.500 --> 00:02:57.020
a few inches. There he is. No, lost him. I
57
00:02:57.039 --> 00:03:01.500
think I got him. No, no. Lost him again. Over
58
00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:03.490
the next 20 minutes the doctor's comments have turned to
59
00:03:03.530 --> 00:03:06.270
grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his
60
00:03:06.310 --> 00:03:09.009
face as he pumps the wife vigorously. The wife is
61
00:03:09.050 --> 00:03:11.330
moaning wildly and has locked her legs around the doctor's hips.
62
00:03:12.169 --> 00:03:14.509
The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, doctor,
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00:03:14.729 --> 00:03:18.449
tell me what's happening. What's going on in there? Doctor replies,
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00:03:18.750 --> 00:03:21.430
change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker.
65
00:03:23.650 --> 00:03:26.289
An old lady named Rose, with dementia, liked riding her
66
00:03:26.310 --> 00:03:29.159
scooter around the old folks' home. It only did 5
67
00:03:29.159 --> 00:03:31.099
miles per hour, but in her mind she was moving
68
00:03:31.159 --> 00:03:34.199
at breakneck speeds. The other residents and staff liked to
69
00:03:34.240 --> 00:03:36.949
humor her. One staff member held out her hand like
70
00:03:36.990 --> 00:03:40.590
a cop, pulling her over. She said, Rose, you were speeding.
71
00:03:41.370 --> 00:03:44.110
I'll need to see your driver's license. Rose pulls a
72
00:03:44.129 --> 00:03:46.009
picture of her grandchildren out of her purse and hands
73
00:03:46.050 --> 00:03:48.719
it over. The staff member tells her she's free to go.
74
00:03:49.539 --> 00:03:52.039
Resuming riding, she's soon pulled over by Mabel, one of
75
00:03:52.060 --> 00:03:54.939
the other residents. Mabel informs Rose that there have been
76
00:03:54.960 --> 00:03:57.419
reports of a stolen car matching the description of Rose's scooter.
77
00:03:58.219 --> 00:04:01.189
I'll need to see your registration. Rose pulls an expired
78
00:04:01.229 --> 00:04:04.030
coupon out, Mabel inspects it, and informs Rose that she's
79
00:04:04.050 --> 00:04:06.750
free to go. Rose zooms off down a hallway and
80
00:04:06.810 --> 00:04:09.770
accidentally makes a turn into George's room, another resident, instead
81
00:04:09.789 --> 00:04:13.810
of the next hallway. She crashes into his coffee table. George,
82
00:04:14.009 --> 00:04:16.410
hearing the commotion, comes running out of the bathroom, dick
83
00:04:16.430 --> 00:04:22.110
in hand. Rose yells out, not another breathalyzer test. I'm
84
00:04:22.129 --> 00:04:25.290
Johnson Hazard. Stay tuned to the end of the episode
85
00:04:25.310 --> 00:04:28.060
for a bonus joke. Before I go, be sure to
86
00:04:28.110 --> 00:04:30.009
check out the official Not Safe for Work joke button
87
00:04:30.050 --> 00:04:34.230
on Amazon. 101 preloaded dirty, crass, and raunchy jokes all
88
00:04:34.269 --> 00:04:37.209
in a neat little electronic button. Designed to make Karens
89
00:04:37.250 --> 00:04:40.649
explode and HR departments busy. See the show notes page
90
00:04:40.689 --> 00:04:46.209
for links. Good night all. Thank you. If you like
91
00:04:46.230 --> 00:04:49.189
these dark, non-PC, Not Safe for Work jokes, please follow
92
00:04:49.230 --> 00:04:52.810
us on your podcast app. Just search for NSFW jokes
93
00:04:53.009 --> 00:04:55.889
in your podcast app. See the show notes page for
94
00:04:55.949 --> 00:05:03.220
social media links and joke credits. When is the weather
95
00:05:03.240 --> 00:05:05.870
like a vagina? When it's wet it's time to go inside.
