WEBVTT
1
00:00:03.100 --> 00:00:05.309
They say that pineapple juice will make your cum taste better.
2
00:00:06.070 --> 00:00:08.089
But I honestly think it just makes the pineapple juice
3
00:00:08.109 --> 00:00:13.070
taste worse. It doesn't matter what you call them, breasts, tits,
4
00:00:13.330 --> 00:00:16.969
fun bags, boobies, milk factories. Just don't take the words
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00:00:17.030 --> 00:00:21.410
out of my mouth. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather
6
00:00:21.429 --> 00:00:23.829
had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents'
7
00:00:23.850 --> 00:00:27.070
house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When
8
00:00:27.089 --> 00:00:29.769
she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
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00:00:30.039 --> 00:00:31.620
he had a heart attack while we were making love
10
00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:35.100
on Sunday morning. Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two
11
00:00:35.119 --> 00:00:37.539
people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be
12
00:00:37.619 --> 00:00:41.939
asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear, replied Granny. Many
13
00:00:41.979 --> 00:00:44.579
years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the
14
00:00:44.619 --> 00:00:46.149
best time to do it was when the church bells
15
00:00:46.189 --> 00:00:48.570
would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
16
00:00:49.390 --> 00:00:52.829
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in
17
00:00:52.869 --> 00:00:55.170
on the ding and out on the dong. She paused
18
00:00:55.189 --> 00:00:57.490
to wipe away a tear, and continued, he'd still be
19
00:00:57.530 --> 00:01:01.700
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along. Had
20
00:01:01.719 --> 00:01:04.260
an accident at work today. I phone my wife from
21
00:01:04.280 --> 00:01:06.019
the hospital to tell her I cut my finger off.
22
00:01:06.900 --> 00:01:10.530
Oh no, not the whole finger, she says. No, I replied,
23
00:01:10.719 --> 00:01:14.409
it was the one next to it. What's the difference
24
00:01:14.430 --> 00:01:17.129
between a single man and a married man? The volume
25
00:01:17.150 --> 00:01:20.909
at which they watch porn. What does Lord of the
26
00:01:20.969 --> 00:01:24.549
Rings and Brokeback Mountain have in common? Someone's ring got destroyed.
27
00:01:26.750 --> 00:01:29.609
This economy is so bad. I saw a video where
28
00:01:29.629 --> 00:01:33.810
two girls had to share the same cup. Nobody thought
29
00:01:33.829 --> 00:01:36.230
I could compete in the jerking off tournament. But I
30
00:01:36.290 --> 00:01:40.489
really held my own. A guy loses his penis in
31
00:01:40.510 --> 00:01:43.409
a farming accident. The surgeon tells him, we don't have
32
00:01:43.450 --> 00:01:45.450
a human donor, but I can graft a baby elephant's
33
00:01:45.489 --> 00:01:49.409
trunk down there. It's flexible and organic. The guy agrees.
34
00:01:50.299 --> 00:01:52.239
A month later, he's at a formal dinner party with
35
00:01:52.280 --> 00:01:55.890
his wife. Suddenly, under the tablecloth, his crotch sneaks up,
36
00:01:56.140 --> 00:01:58.079
grabs a bread roll off the table, and pulls it
37
00:01:58.099 --> 00:02:01.959
down under his napkin. His wife is stunned. She whispers,
38
00:02:02.219 --> 00:02:05.670
my god, darling. can you do that again? The guy
39
00:02:05.730 --> 00:02:08.080
wipes tears from his eyes and says, I probably could,
40
00:02:08.360 --> 00:02:10.240
but I don't think my ass can take another bread roll.
41
00:02:12.439 --> 00:02:15.340
I'm Johnson Hazard. Stay tuned to the end of the
42
00:02:15.379 --> 00:02:18.419
episode for a bonus joke. Before I go, be sure
43
00:02:18.439 --> 00:02:20.189
to check out the official Not Safe for Work joke
44
00:02:20.210 --> 00:02:24.449
button on Amazon. 101 preloaded dirty, crass, and raunchy jokes
45
00:02:24.550 --> 00:02:27.310
all in a neat little electronic button. Designed to make
46
00:02:27.349 --> 00:02:30.810
Karens explode and HR departments busy. See the show notes
47
00:02:30.870 --> 00:02:36.449
page for links. Good night all. Thank you. If you
48
00:02:36.469 --> 00:02:39.840
like these dark, non-PC, not-safe-for-work jokes, please follow us on
49
00:02:39.849 --> 00:02:43.659
your podcast app. Just search for NSFW jokes in your
50
00:02:43.699 --> 00:02:46.919
podcast app. See the show notes page for social media
51
00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:54.469
links and joke credits. I keep mixing up my neurologist
52
00:02:54.500 --> 00:02:57.629
and urologist. The confusion is driving me nuts and pissing
53
00:02:57.650 --> 00:02:57.930
me off.
1
00:00:03.100 --> 00:00:05.309
They say that pineapple juice will make your cum taste better.
2
00:00:06.070 --> 00:00:08.089
But I honestly think it just makes the pineapple juice
3
00:00:08.109 --> 00:00:13.070
taste worse. It doesn't matter what you call them, breasts, tits,
4
00:00:13.330 --> 00:00:16.969
fun bags, boobies, milk factories. Just don't take the words
5
00:00:17.030 --> 00:00:21.410
out of my mouth. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather
6
00:00:21.429 --> 00:00:23.829
had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents'
7
00:00:23.850 --> 00:00:27.070
house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When
8
00:00:27.089 --> 00:00:29.769
she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
9
00:00:30.039 --> 00:00:31.620
he had a heart attack while we were making love
10
00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:35.100
on Sunday morning. Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two
11
00:00:35.119 --> 00:00:37.539
people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be
12
00:00:37.619 --> 00:00:41.939
asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear, replied Granny. Many
13
00:00:41.979 --> 00:00:44.579
years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the
14
00:00:44.619 --> 00:00:46.149
best time to do it was when the church bells
15
00:00:46.189 --> 00:00:48.570
would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
16
00:00:49.390 --> 00:00:52.829
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in
17
00:00:52.869 --> 00:00:55.170
on the ding and out on the dong. She paused
18
00:00:55.189 --> 00:00:57.490
to wipe away a tear, and continued, he'd still be
19
00:00:57.530 --> 00:01:01.700
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along. Had
20
00:01:01.719 --> 00:01:04.260
an accident at work today. I phone my wife from
21
00:01:04.280 --> 00:01:06.019
the hospital to tell her I cut my finger off.
22
00:01:06.900 --> 00:01:10.530
Oh no, not the whole finger, she says. No, I replied,
23
00:01:10.719 --> 00:01:14.409
it was the one next to it. What's the difference
24
00:01:14.430 --> 00:01:17.129
between a single man and a married man? The volume
25
00:01:17.150 --> 00:01:20.909
at which they watch porn. What does Lord of the
26
00:01:20.969 --> 00:01:24.549
Rings and Brokeback Mountain have in common? Someone's ring got destroyed.
27
00:01:26.750 --> 00:01:29.609
This economy is so bad. I saw a video where
28
00:01:29.629 --> 00:01:33.810
two girls had to share the same cup. Nobody thought
29
00:01:33.829 --> 00:01:36.230
I could compete in the jerking off tournament. But I
30
00:01:36.290 --> 00:01:40.489
really held my own. A guy loses his penis in
31
00:01:40.510 --> 00:01:43.409
a farming accident. The surgeon tells him, we don't have
32
00:01:43.450 --> 00:01:45.450
a human donor, but I can graft a baby elephant's
33
00:01:45.489 --> 00:01:49.409
trunk down there. It's flexible and organic. The guy agrees.
34
00:01:50.299 --> 00:01:52.239
A month later, he's at a formal dinner party with
35
00:01:52.280 --> 00:01:55.890
his wife. Suddenly, under the tablecloth, his crotch sneaks up,
36
00:01:56.140 --> 00:01:58.079
grabs a bread roll off the table, and pulls it
37
00:01:58.099 --> 00:02:01.959
down under his napkin. His wife is stunned. She whispers,
38
00:02:02.219 --> 00:02:05.670
my god, darling. can you do that again? The guy
39
00:02:05.730 --> 00:02:08.080
wipes tears from his eyes and says, I probably could,
40
00:02:08.360 --> 00:02:10.240
but I don't think my ass can take another bread roll.
41
00:02:12.439 --> 00:02:15.340
I'm Johnson Hazard. Stay tuned to the end of the
42
00:02:15.379 --> 00:02:18.419
episode for a bonus joke. Before I go, be sure
43
00:02:18.439 --> 00:02:20.189
to check out the official Not Safe for Work joke
44
00:02:20.210 --> 00:02:24.449
button on Amazon. 101 preloaded dirty, crass, and raunchy jokes
45
00:02:24.550 --> 00:02:27.310
all in a neat little electronic button. Designed to make
46
00:02:27.349 --> 00:02:30.810
Karens explode and HR departments busy. See the show notes
47
00:02:30.870 --> 00:02:36.449
page for links. Good night all. Thank you. If you
48
00:02:36.469 --> 00:02:39.840
like these dark, non-PC, not-safe-for-work jokes, please follow us on
49
00:02:39.849 --> 00:02:43.659
your podcast app. Just search for NSFW jokes in your
50
00:02:43.699 --> 00:02:46.919
podcast app. See the show notes page for social media
51
00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:54.469
links and joke credits. I keep mixing up my neurologist
52
00:02:54.500 --> 00:02:57.629
and urologist. The confusion is driving me nuts and pissing
53
00:02:57.650 --> 00:02:57.930
me off.
