WEBVTT
1
00:00:03.120 --> 00:00:05.969
A guy goes in for a doctor's visit. The doctor says,
2
00:00:06.250 --> 00:00:08.609
what seems to be the problem? And the guy says,
3
00:00:08.890 --> 00:00:11.250
every morning, I wake up at 5 AM, roll over,
4
00:00:11.490 --> 00:00:14.410
and have sex with my wife. Then I shower and shave,
5
00:00:14.609 --> 00:00:17.129
and we have sex again on the breakfast table. Then
6
00:00:17.149 --> 00:00:19.129
my ride-sharing partner blows me on the way to work.
7
00:00:19.910 --> 00:00:21.609
When I get to the office, I have sex with
8
00:00:21.629 --> 00:00:23.949
the receptionist, and spend my coffee break in the supply
9
00:00:23.969 --> 00:00:27.179
closet getting a blow job from my secretary. My ride-sharing
10
00:00:27.199 --> 00:00:29.109
partner blows me again on my way home, and I
11
00:00:29.140 --> 00:00:32.039
have sex with my wife after dinner. So what's the problem,
12
00:00:32.280 --> 00:00:35.109
asks the doctor. And the guy says, it hurts when
13
00:00:35.130 --> 00:00:38.990
I jerk off. There was a man who visited the
14
00:00:39.030 --> 00:00:42.189
local brothel almost every day. After a few months, he
15
00:00:42.250 --> 00:00:44.490
realized that it's a really bad habit, so he decided
16
00:00:44.509 --> 00:00:47.229
to find himself a new hobby. The town just opened
17
00:00:47.250 --> 00:00:49.969
a new go-karting circuit. This reminded the man of his
18
00:00:50.009 --> 00:00:52.329
childhood dream of becoming a race driver, so he signed
19
00:00:52.369 --> 00:00:55.049
up to the circuit and started learning go-karting. This new
20
00:00:55.109 --> 00:00:57.649
hobby significantly improved the man's life, and this just goes
21
00:00:57.689 --> 00:00:59.119
to show you how life can get better when you
22
00:00:59.130 --> 00:01:03.109
put the cart before the horse. The Pope is asleep
23
00:01:03.149 --> 00:01:05.069
in his chambers when he's awoken by a great ruckus
24
00:01:05.090 --> 00:01:07.909
of shouts and prayers. The conclave of bishops has been
25
00:01:07.950 --> 00:01:10.620
studying the scripture and determined something of grave importance, if
26
00:01:10.640 --> 00:01:12.540
the Pope does not have sexual relations with a woman
27
00:01:12.560 --> 00:01:16.299
within the next 24 hours, all of humanity is doomed. Obviously,
28
00:01:16.540 --> 00:01:18.680
he's deeply shaken by the news and checks their findings
29
00:01:18.739 --> 00:01:20.500
only to discover that they are correct and there's nothing
30
00:01:20.519 --> 00:01:23.450
else for it. A small group of especially discreet priests
31
00:01:23.530 --> 00:01:25.409
is assembled to find an appropriate woman for the Pope
32
00:01:25.430 --> 00:01:27.689
to bed. As they are about to set out upon
33
00:01:27.709 --> 00:01:30.870
the streets of Rome, the pontiff gives them his final instructions, first,
34
00:01:31.129 --> 00:01:32.939
the woman must be blind. so that she will never
35
00:01:32.980 --> 00:01:35.780
know with whom she is having relations. The priests all
36
00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:39.140
nod in understanding. Second, the woman must be mute, so
37
00:01:39.180 --> 00:01:41.900
that she can never tell of what happened. Again, there
38
00:01:41.939 --> 00:01:45.230
are nods of agreement. And finally, she must have big tits.
39
00:01:47.530 --> 00:01:49.569
Fun fact about me, I have been banned from every
40
00:01:49.629 --> 00:01:52.950
IKEA in Europe. Second fun fact about me, my penis
41
00:01:52.989 --> 00:01:57.390
is exactly the same length as two IKEA pencils. A
42
00:01:57.430 --> 00:01:59.170
man was having problems getting it up to have sex
43
00:01:59.189 --> 00:02:01.159
with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice.
44
00:02:02.010 --> 00:02:03.549
The doctor told him the next time he wanted to
45
00:02:03.569 --> 00:02:05.650
have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy,
46
00:02:05.930 --> 00:02:07.750
and then rub it under his nose, and the smell
47
00:02:07.780 --> 00:02:09.580
would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would
48
00:02:09.599 --> 00:02:12.520
obtain an erection. That night he decided to make his move.
49
00:02:13.340 --> 00:02:14.979
He turned out all the lights and got into bed.
50
00:02:15.780 --> 00:02:17.620
He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed
51
00:02:17.639 --> 00:02:20.280
it under his nose. Pretty soon he felt a tingling
52
00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:23.210
in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he
53
00:02:23.250 --> 00:02:25.270
decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers.
54
00:02:26.129 --> 00:02:28.310
He stuck them in, then rubbed them both under his nose,
55
00:02:28.610 --> 00:02:31.379
and his cock quickly jumped to three quarters erect. He
56
00:02:31.419 --> 00:02:33.800
decided to try three fingers, and soon was sporting the
57
00:02:33.840 --> 00:02:38.469
biggest hard-on he could remember. Very excited, he said, honey. Quick,
58
00:02:38.729 --> 00:02:41.389
turn on the lights, and check this out. She turned
59
00:02:41.430 --> 00:02:43.449
on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he
60
00:02:43.490 --> 00:02:46.150
proudly asked, what do you think? She looked at him
61
00:02:46.189 --> 00:02:48.409
and said, looks like the worst nosebleed I've ever seen.
62
00:02:48.430 --> 00:02:52.780
A guy said to me, yeah yeah, I fucked your mother.
63
00:02:53.639 --> 00:02:56.500
I said, simmer down dad. Just because I'm better at
64
00:02:56.620 --> 00:02:58.180
call of duty than you are doesn't mean you need
65
00:02:58.199 --> 00:03:02.129
to get all worked up. What's worse than biting into
66
00:03:02.150 --> 00:03:04.710
an apple and finding a worm? Biting into a hot
67
00:03:04.729 --> 00:03:08.930
dog and finding a vein. What cereal does a white
68
00:03:08.949 --> 00:03:15.330
supremacist eat? Special KKK. My bed and I. My bed
69
00:03:15.370 --> 00:03:17.370
and I have a great relationship, but we're looking for
70
00:03:17.409 --> 00:03:21.629
a third. Did you hear about the hitchhiker with no penis?
71
00:03:22.449 --> 00:03:25.689
He ejaculates in the cars and vanishes right after. Nobody
72
00:03:25.729 --> 00:03:30.319
knows where he comes from. Two cute female conjoined twins,
73
00:03:30.599 --> 00:03:32.479
fused at the chest, meet a guy at a party,
74
00:03:32.780 --> 00:03:35.199
and after some drinking, dancing and flirting they decide to
75
00:03:35.219 --> 00:03:38.000
go home with him. They quickly start making out, they
76
00:03:38.020 --> 00:03:39.819
drop on their knees and take turns sucking him off
77
00:03:39.860 --> 00:03:42.479
and licking his asshole. They cheer each other on while
78
00:03:42.500 --> 00:03:44.620
he's pounding them in all kinds of crazy positions going
79
00:03:44.659 --> 00:03:47.240
back and forth. They even grease up a little gap
80
00:03:47.259 --> 00:03:49.080
between their bodies and let him fuck it until all
81
00:03:49.120 --> 00:03:52.530
three pass out completely exhausted and satisfied. A few weeks
82
00:03:52.560 --> 00:03:54.590
later the twins walk past the house and one says,
83
00:03:54.780 --> 00:03:57.400
we should give that guy a visit again. Asterisk and
84
00:03:57.409 --> 00:03:59.639
the other replies asterisk, I don't know, do you think
85
00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:04.759
he still remembers us? Asterisk. A guy goes to a
86
00:04:04.759 --> 00:04:07.620
whorehouse for the first time. The girl comes in and says,
87
00:04:07.919 --> 00:04:10.819
are you nervous? The guy says, yeah, this is my
88
00:04:10.860 --> 00:04:13.860
first time. The girl says, don't worry, we have just
89
00:04:13.900 --> 00:04:16.500
the thing for first timers. Here's a menu of all
90
00:04:16.519 --> 00:04:18.660
of our services, just pick out whichever thing you would
91
00:04:18.680 --> 00:04:21.120
like to try. So the guy looks over the menu
92
00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:23.980
and decides to try out 69. So they get into
93
00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:25.779
position and are going to town when the girl farts.
94
00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:29.579
He's a little taken aback by this, but continues. A
95
00:04:29.620 --> 00:04:32.730
couple of minutes later she farts again. The guy disentangles
96
00:04:32.750 --> 00:04:36.269
himself and starts getting dressed. What's the matter, the girl asks.
97
00:04:37.069 --> 00:04:40.389
Didn't you like that? And the guy says, no offense, ma'am,
98
00:04:40.610 --> 00:04:42.680
but I don't think I could handle 67 more of those.
99
00:04:44.959 --> 00:04:48.060
A sophisticated woman enters a bar. It's rather crowed so
100
00:04:48.100 --> 00:04:49.819
she finds an empty seat at the bar and orders
101
00:04:49.860 --> 00:04:52.720
a cosmopolitan drink. The guy next to her is drunk.
102
00:04:53.550 --> 00:04:56.069
She tries not to pay him any attention. The guy
103
00:04:56.110 --> 00:04:58.370
looks over at her and says, you are a beautiful lady.
104
00:04:59.170 --> 00:05:01.180
She gives him a slight smile and says, thank you,
105
00:05:01.389 --> 00:05:03.920
and goes back to sipping her drink. The drunk looks
106
00:05:03.939 --> 00:05:05.920
at her again and asks, can I smell your pussy?
107
00:05:06.699 --> 00:05:09.639
The lady is flabbergasted. She looks at him in disgust
108
00:05:09.680 --> 00:05:12.839
and says, no, you can't smell my pussy. The drunk
109
00:05:12.860 --> 00:05:14.980
looks her up and down and says, then, it must
110
00:05:15.019 --> 00:05:20.170
be your breath. Gathering relatives to play Russian roulette. A
111
00:05:20.209 --> 00:05:26.360
mind-blowing idea for family game night. I'm Johnson Hazard. Stay
112
00:05:26.379 --> 00:05:28.240
tuned to the end of the episode for a bonus joke.
113
00:05:29.019 --> 00:05:31.000
Before I go, be sure to check out the official
114
00:05:31.060 --> 00:05:35.379
Not Safe for Work joke button on Amazon. 101 preloaded dirty, crass,
115
00:05:35.459 --> 00:05:37.680
and raunchy jokes all in a neat little electronic button.
116
00:05:38.439 --> 00:05:41.920
Designed to make Karens explode and HR departments busy. See
117
00:05:41.939 --> 00:05:45.720
the show notes page for links. Good night all. Thank you.
118
00:05:47.980 --> 00:05:50.620
If you like these dark, non-PC, Not Safe for Work jokes,
119
00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:53.759
please follow us on your podcast app. Just search for
120
00:05:53.779 --> 00:05:57.660
NSFW jokes in your podcast app. See the show notes
121
00:05:57.699 --> 00:06:05.259
page for social media links and joke credits. I'm worried
122
00:06:05.279 --> 00:06:07.980
if I keep doing more fat jokes. I'll never reach
123
00:06:08.019 --> 00:06:08.730
a wider audience.
1
00:00:03.120 --> 00:00:05.969
A guy goes in for a doctor's visit. The doctor says,
2
00:00:06.250 --> 00:00:08.609
what seems to be the problem? And the guy says,
3
00:00:08.890 --> 00:00:11.250
every morning, I wake up at 5 AM, roll over,
4
00:00:11.490 --> 00:00:14.410
and have sex with my wife. Then I shower and shave,
5
00:00:14.609 --> 00:00:17.129
and we have sex again on the breakfast table. Then
6
00:00:17.149 --> 00:00:19.129
my ride-sharing partner blows me on the way to work.
7
00:00:19.910 --> 00:00:21.609
When I get to the office, I have sex with
8
00:00:21.629 --> 00:00:23.949
the receptionist, and spend my coffee break in the supply
9
00:00:23.969 --> 00:00:27.179
closet getting a blow job from my secretary. My ride-sharing
10
00:00:27.199 --> 00:00:29.109
partner blows me again on my way home, and I
11
00:00:29.140 --> 00:00:32.039
have sex with my wife after dinner. So what's the problem,
12
00:00:32.280 --> 00:00:35.109
asks the doctor. And the guy says, it hurts when
13
00:00:35.130 --> 00:00:38.990
I jerk off. There was a man who visited the
14
00:00:39.030 --> 00:00:42.189
local brothel almost every day. After a few months, he
15
00:00:42.250 --> 00:00:44.490
realized that it's a really bad habit, so he decided
16
00:00:44.509 --> 00:00:47.229
to find himself a new hobby. The town just opened
17
00:00:47.250 --> 00:00:49.969
a new go-karting circuit. This reminded the man of his
18
00:00:50.009 --> 00:00:52.329
childhood dream of becoming a race driver, so he signed
19
00:00:52.369 --> 00:00:55.049
up to the circuit and started learning go-karting. This new
20
00:00:55.109 --> 00:00:57.649
hobby significantly improved the man's life, and this just goes
21
00:00:57.689 --> 00:00:59.119
to show you how life can get better when you
22
00:00:59.130 --> 00:01:03.109
put the cart before the horse. The Pope is asleep
23
00:01:03.149 --> 00:01:05.069
in his chambers when he's awoken by a great ruckus
24
00:01:05.090 --> 00:01:07.909
of shouts and prayers. The conclave of bishops has been
25
00:01:07.950 --> 00:01:10.620
studying the scripture and determined something of grave importance, if
26
00:01:10.640 --> 00:01:12.540
the Pope does not have sexual relations with a woman
27
00:01:12.560 --> 00:01:16.299
within the next 24 hours, all of humanity is doomed. Obviously,
28
00:01:16.540 --> 00:01:18.680
he's deeply shaken by the news and checks their findings
29
00:01:18.739 --> 00:01:20.500
only to discover that they are correct and there's nothing
30
00:01:20.519 --> 00:01:23.450
else for it. A small group of especially discreet priests
31
00:01:23.530 --> 00:01:25.409
is assembled to find an appropriate woman for the Pope
32
00:01:25.430 --> 00:01:27.689
to bed. As they are about to set out upon
33
00:01:27.709 --> 00:01:30.870
the streets of Rome, the pontiff gives them his final instructions, first,
34
00:01:31.129 --> 00:01:32.939
the woman must be blind. so that she will never
35
00:01:32.980 --> 00:01:35.780
know with whom she is having relations. The priests all
36
00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:39.140
nod in understanding. Second, the woman must be mute, so
37
00:01:39.180 --> 00:01:41.900
that she can never tell of what happened. Again, there
38
00:01:41.939 --> 00:01:45.230
are nods of agreement. And finally, she must have big tits.
39
00:01:47.530 --> 00:01:49.569
Fun fact about me, I have been banned from every
40
00:01:49.629 --> 00:01:52.950
IKEA in Europe. Second fun fact about me, my penis
41
00:01:52.989 --> 00:01:57.390
is exactly the same length as two IKEA pencils. A
42
00:01:57.430 --> 00:01:59.170
man was having problems getting it up to have sex
43
00:01:59.189 --> 00:02:01.159
with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice.
44
00:02:02.010 --> 00:02:03.549
The doctor told him the next time he wanted to
45
00:02:03.569 --> 00:02:05.650
have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy,
46
00:02:05.930 --> 00:02:07.750
and then rub it under his nose, and the smell
47
00:02:07.780 --> 00:02:09.580
would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would
48
00:02:09.599 --> 00:02:12.520
obtain an erection. That night he decided to make his move.
49
00:02:13.340 --> 00:02:14.979
He turned out all the lights and got into bed.
50
00:02:15.780 --> 00:02:17.620
He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed
51
00:02:17.639 --> 00:02:20.280
it under his nose. Pretty soon he felt a tingling
52
00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:23.210
in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he
53
00:02:23.250 --> 00:02:25.270
decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers.
54
00:02:26.129 --> 00:02:28.310
He stuck them in, then rubbed them both under his nose,
55
00:02:28.610 --> 00:02:31.379
and his cock quickly jumped to three quarters erect. He
56
00:02:31.419 --> 00:02:33.800
decided to try three fingers, and soon was sporting the
57
00:02:33.840 --> 00:02:38.469
biggest hard-on he could remember. Very excited, he said, honey. Quick,
58
00:02:38.729 --> 00:02:41.389
turn on the lights, and check this out. She turned
59
00:02:41.430 --> 00:02:43.449
on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he
60
00:02:43.490 --> 00:02:46.150
proudly asked, what do you think? She looked at him
61
00:02:46.189 --> 00:02:48.409
and said, looks like the worst nosebleed I've ever seen.
62
00:02:48.430 --> 00:02:52.780
A guy said to me, yeah yeah, I fucked your mother.
63
00:02:53.639 --> 00:02:56.500
I said, simmer down dad. Just because I'm better at
64
00:02:56.620 --> 00:02:58.180
call of duty than you are doesn't mean you need
65
00:02:58.199 --> 00:03:02.129
to get all worked up. What's worse than biting into
66
00:03:02.150 --> 00:03:04.710
an apple and finding a worm? Biting into a hot
67
00:03:04.729 --> 00:03:08.930
dog and finding a vein. What cereal does a white
68
00:03:08.949 --> 00:03:15.330
supremacist eat? Special KKK. My bed and I. My bed
69
00:03:15.370 --> 00:03:17.370
and I have a great relationship, but we're looking for
70
00:03:17.409 --> 00:03:21.629
a third. Did you hear about the hitchhiker with no penis?
71
00:03:22.449 --> 00:03:25.689
He ejaculates in the cars and vanishes right after. Nobody
72
00:03:25.729 --> 00:03:30.319
knows where he comes from. Two cute female conjoined twins,
73
00:03:30.599 --> 00:03:32.479
fused at the chest, meet a guy at a party,
74
00:03:32.780 --> 00:03:35.199
and after some drinking, dancing and flirting they decide to
75
00:03:35.219 --> 00:03:38.000
go home with him. They quickly start making out, they
76
00:03:38.020 --> 00:03:39.819
drop on their knees and take turns sucking him off
77
00:03:39.860 --> 00:03:42.479
and licking his asshole. They cheer each other on while
78
00:03:42.500 --> 00:03:44.620
he's pounding them in all kinds of crazy positions going
79
00:03:44.659 --> 00:03:47.240
back and forth. They even grease up a little gap
80
00:03:47.259 --> 00:03:49.080
between their bodies and let him fuck it until all
81
00:03:49.120 --> 00:03:52.530
three pass out completely exhausted and satisfied. A few weeks
82
00:03:52.560 --> 00:03:54.590
later the twins walk past the house and one says,
83
00:03:54.780 --> 00:03:57.400
we should give that guy a visit again. Asterisk and
84
00:03:57.409 --> 00:03:59.639
the other replies asterisk, I don't know, do you think
85
00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:04.759
he still remembers us? Asterisk. A guy goes to a
86
00:04:04.759 --> 00:04:07.620
whorehouse for the first time. The girl comes in and says,
87
00:04:07.919 --> 00:04:10.819
are you nervous? The guy says, yeah, this is my
88
00:04:10.860 --> 00:04:13.860
first time. The girl says, don't worry, we have just
89
00:04:13.900 --> 00:04:16.500
the thing for first timers. Here's a menu of all
90
00:04:16.519 --> 00:04:18.660
of our services, just pick out whichever thing you would
91
00:04:18.680 --> 00:04:21.120
like to try. So the guy looks over the menu
92
00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:23.980
and decides to try out 69. So they get into
93
00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:25.779
position and are going to town when the girl farts.
94
00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:29.579
He's a little taken aback by this, but continues. A
95
00:04:29.620 --> 00:04:32.730
couple of minutes later she farts again. The guy disentangles
96
00:04:32.750 --> 00:04:36.269
himself and starts getting dressed. What's the matter, the girl asks.
97
00:04:37.069 --> 00:04:40.389
Didn't you like that? And the guy says, no offense, ma'am,
98
00:04:40.610 --> 00:04:42.680
but I don't think I could handle 67 more of those.
99
00:04:44.959 --> 00:04:48.060
A sophisticated woman enters a bar. It's rather crowed so
100
00:04:48.100 --> 00:04:49.819
she finds an empty seat at the bar and orders
101
00:04:49.860 --> 00:04:52.720
a cosmopolitan drink. The guy next to her is drunk.
102
00:04:53.550 --> 00:04:56.069
She tries not to pay him any attention. The guy
103
00:04:56.110 --> 00:04:58.370
looks over at her and says, you are a beautiful lady.
104
00:04:59.170 --> 00:05:01.180
She gives him a slight smile and says, thank you,
105
00:05:01.389 --> 00:05:03.920
and goes back to sipping her drink. The drunk looks
106
00:05:03.939 --> 00:05:05.920
at her again and asks, can I smell your pussy?
107
00:05:06.699 --> 00:05:09.639
The lady is flabbergasted. She looks at him in disgust
108
00:05:09.680 --> 00:05:12.839
and says, no, you can't smell my pussy. The drunk
109
00:05:12.860 --> 00:05:14.980
looks her up and down and says, then, it must
110
00:05:15.019 --> 00:05:20.170
be your breath. Gathering relatives to play Russian roulette. A
111
00:05:20.209 --> 00:05:26.360
mind-blowing idea for family game night. I'm Johnson Hazard. Stay
112
00:05:26.379 --> 00:05:28.240
tuned to the end of the episode for a bonus joke.
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Before I go, be sure to check out the official
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Not Safe for Work joke button on Amazon. 101 preloaded dirty, crass,
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and raunchy jokes all in a neat little electronic button.
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Designed to make Karens explode and HR departments busy. See
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the show notes page for links. Good night all. Thank you.
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If you like these dark, non-PC, Not Safe for Work jokes,
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please follow us on your podcast app. Just search for
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NSFW jokes in your podcast app. See the show notes
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page for social media links and joke credits. I'm worried
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if I keep doing more fat jokes. I'll never reach
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a wider audience.
