Why Your Child Behaves Better for Everyone Else EP 309

WEBVTT
00:00:00.667 --> 00:00:04.417
Have you ever gone to a parent-teacher conference and wondered if the teacher
00:00:04.417 --> 00:00:07.145
was actually talking about the same kid who lives at your house?
00:00:07.830 --> 00:00:10.867
The teacher says that your kid's helpful, they're respectful,
00:00:10.867 --> 00:00:14.127
they follow directions, they get along with everybody, and you're sitting there
00:00:14.127 --> 00:00:18.418
thinking, well, that's wonderful. Any chance you could send that version of my kiddo home?
00:00:19.132 --> 00:00:22.947
Or maybe grandma tells you what a delight your child was all weekend,
00:00:22.947 --> 00:00:27.217
and you're happy to hear about that, of course, but you're also wondering why
00:00:27.217 --> 00:00:32.011
getting your kid to put a plate in the dishwasher at home can turn into a 20-minute ordeal.
00:00:32.673 --> 00:00:36.897
So today we're going to be talking about why your child may behave beautifully,
00:00:36.897 --> 00:00:42.083
just wonderfully for everybody else and save some of their toughest behavior for you at home.
00:00:42.414 --> 00:00:45.084
And more importantly, we're going to talk about what you can do about it.
00:00:45.753 --> 00:00:49.868
Hi guys, I'm Jackie Fenneman and this is the No Problem Parenting Podcast.
00:00:50.507 --> 00:00:53.707
So first of all, I don't want you to automatically assume that you're doing
00:00:53.707 --> 00:00:58.599
something wrong because your kiddo is behaving differently or better with other people.
00:00:59.075 --> 00:01:03.727
I've worked with families for more than 35 years, including 20 years of in-home
00:01:03.727 --> 00:01:06.633
family counseling going right into the family's home.
00:01:07.162 --> 00:01:11.620
And I've seen this play out in all kinds of ways for all kinds of families.
00:01:12.304 --> 00:01:15.947
Children respond to different people, environments, expectations,
00:01:15.947 --> 00:01:19.257
and rules. And that's all really normal. and at school, your kid might know
00:01:19.257 --> 00:01:21.156
exactly what's expected of them.
00:01:21.528 --> 00:01:26.404
The day has a schedule, the rules are familiar, and there are other kids doing the same thing.
00:01:26.898 --> 00:01:30.827
At grandma's house, there might be more attention, fewer demands placed on them,
00:01:30.827 --> 00:01:32.921
or just simply a different relationship.
00:01:33.745 --> 00:01:37.899
But at home, well, home is where you have to get dressed. You have to do your
00:01:37.899 --> 00:01:41.969
homework. You have to clean up after yourself, get along with your siblings,
00:01:41.969 --> 00:01:45.692
turn off electronics, or go to bed when you'd rather stay up.
00:01:46.092 --> 00:01:50.435
So it's not exactly a fair comparison being at home versus at school or grandma's.
00:01:51.126 --> 00:01:56.037
Now, you might have heard that kids behave worse at home because home is their safe place.
00:01:56.496 --> 00:02:00.649
Your kiddo is probably more comfortable with you showing you those big feelings,
00:02:00.649 --> 00:02:05.360
the things that they aren't going to show others in school or in the community.
00:02:06.112 --> 00:02:10.174
Oftentimes, they're working so hard to manage those feelings in other places.
00:02:10.845 --> 00:02:16.325
But I also don't want you using that explanation to dismiss behavior that needs to be addressed.
00:02:16.912 --> 00:02:21.349
Feeling safe with you doesn't mean your kiddo gets to hurt you or threaten you
00:02:21.349 --> 00:02:25.996
or destroy things or treat everybody in the house however they darn well please.
00:02:26.536 --> 00:02:31.690
We can understand why something's happening, and we can still teach our kids what to do differently.
00:02:32.332 --> 00:02:37.309
So think about a kiddo who spent the whole day following directions at school,
00:02:37.309 --> 00:02:42.020
sitting when they're supposed to sit, paying attention, dealing with their classmates,
00:02:42.270 --> 00:02:48.806
handling all the noise, keeping track of their stuff, and trying to do what the teacher expects.
00:02:49.253 --> 00:02:54.733
But then they walk through the door, and you say, Hey, buddy, how was school? Fine.
00:02:55.399 --> 00:02:59.555
Do you have homework? I don't know. Well, let's go check your backpack.
00:02:59.880 --> 00:03:04.489
And suddenly they are so irritated with you. Boom, there goes an explosion.
00:03:05.105 --> 00:03:07.689
You haven't said anything wrong. You haven't said anything terrible.
00:03:07.689 --> 00:03:10.939
You're just trying to get through the afternoon and make some conversation and
00:03:10.939 --> 00:03:13.835
figure out what needs to be done before dinner or before bed.
00:03:14.526 --> 00:03:18.723
But before deciding your kiddo is being difficult for no reason,
00:03:19.077 --> 00:03:21.701
I want you to get curious about what's going on.
00:03:22.352 --> 00:03:26.409
Are they hungry? Have they had time to themselves? Had they had just a minute
00:03:26.409 --> 00:03:28.991
to catch a break and just chill for a sec?
00:03:29.792 --> 00:03:34.111
Is homework something they struggle with? Are they overwhelmed or overloaded?
00:03:34.517 --> 00:03:37.170
Did something happen at school with a friend?
00:03:37.727 --> 00:03:41.384
Are they worn out from managing themselves all day long?
00:03:42.017 --> 00:03:45.927
And here's another possibility. Has your kiddo learned that the more upset they
00:03:45.927 --> 00:03:50.359
become, the more likely you are to drop your expectations?
00:03:50.939 --> 00:03:54.987
That's worth considering, too. Because the answer isn't always that your kiddo
00:03:54.987 --> 00:03:59.927
needs more understanding. Sometimes they just need more practice handling ordinary
00:03:59.927 --> 00:04:01.609
everyday responsibilities.
00:04:02.143 --> 00:04:04.105
And most times they need both.
00:04:04.842 --> 00:04:08.587
So the first step of no problem parenting is seeking first to understand.
00:04:08.587 --> 00:04:13.712
Before you respond to the behavior, just take a few seconds to consider what's behind it.
00:04:14.124 --> 00:04:17.247
If you're picking your kid up from school, think about that on your drive to
00:04:17.247 --> 00:04:20.359
school. Think about the questions you're going to ask or not ask.
00:04:20.789 --> 00:04:22.941
Maybe the things you're going to say or not say.
00:04:23.624 --> 00:04:26.912
Maybe thinking about what kind of a day your kid, you knew your kid was going
00:04:26.912 --> 00:04:30.732
to have at school because they had a test or they're overloaded with homework
00:04:30.732 --> 00:04:34.653
or they're having some trouble or they're having problems with some of their friends.
00:04:35.320 --> 00:04:38.449
Before you respond to the behavior when they get in the car,
00:04:38.769 --> 00:04:41.230
take a few seconds to consider what's behind it.
00:04:41.532 --> 00:04:44.652
Before you respond to the behavior when they come in the door from getting off
00:04:44.652 --> 00:04:48.962
the school bus or coming home from practice, take a few seconds to consider
00:04:48.962 --> 00:04:50.797
what might be behind the behavior.
00:04:51.017 --> 00:04:54.462
You don't need to conduct an interview every time your kid comes home in a bad
00:04:54.462 --> 00:04:57.426
mood, but you can simply pay attention to patterns.
00:04:58.093 --> 00:05:02.092
Now, if the trouble starts every afternoon when you get home,
00:05:02.092 --> 00:05:04.952
look what's happening at that time of the day every afternoon.
00:05:04.952 --> 00:05:08.772
If it starts whenever you mention homework, take a look at the homework or how
00:05:08.772 --> 00:05:09.849
they're doing in school.
00:05:10.232 --> 00:05:14.822
If it only happens when your child gets off electronics, then you know what?
00:05:14.822 --> 00:05:17.087
Electronics deserves a bit of a closer look.
00:05:17.679 --> 00:05:21.692
The goal is to understand the problem well enough that you're not spending all
00:05:21.692 --> 00:05:27.431
your energy responding to the reaction or to your kid's behavior.
00:05:27.826 --> 00:05:30.522
And then next, I want you to prepare for the worst. That's step two.
00:05:30.522 --> 00:05:34.122
So let's say you've noticed that your kiddo needs a little time after school
00:05:34.122 --> 00:05:38.931
before they're ready to tackle homework or their family contributions, a.k.a. chores.
00:05:39.430 --> 00:05:42.442
You might decide that when they get home, they're going to have a snack and
00:05:42.442 --> 00:05:45.619
some downtime before responsibilities begin.
00:05:46.227 --> 00:05:50.272
And that's great, but don't assume that they're going to love the new arrangement
00:05:50.272 --> 00:05:52.357
simply because you put some thought into it.
00:05:52.764 --> 00:05:57.663
They might complain when the break is over. They might insist that they need more time.
00:05:58.023 --> 00:06:01.999
They might tell you that you're the only parent who makes their kid do homework right away.
00:06:02.605 --> 00:06:07.032
Whatever it is, prepare for their response ahead of time so that you can actually
00:06:07.032 --> 00:06:10.822
almost look forward to the behavior because you're so darn well prepared for
00:06:10.822 --> 00:06:16.636
it. It's not going to get you caught into or matching the emotion that your child has.
00:06:17.140 --> 00:06:23.994
And also remember not to introduce a new routine or a new response in the middle of an argument.
00:06:24.819 --> 00:06:28.755
Find one of those ordinary moments when things are going basically pretty well
00:06:29.039 --> 00:06:33.001
and then talk about how the afternoon is going to look from here on out.
00:06:33.001 --> 00:06:34.595
Something new you're going to be trying.
00:06:35.268 --> 00:06:39.001
You could say, hey, buddy, I've noticed afternoons have been really rough lately
00:06:39.001 --> 00:06:40.318
and I think we can do better.
00:06:40.829 --> 00:06:44.045
So how about when you get home, we're going to have time for snack and a break,
00:06:44.510 --> 00:06:48.571
and then you can take care of your homework and whatever else you need to do
00:06:48.571 --> 00:06:50.396
before the evening gets away from you.
00:06:51.075 --> 00:06:54.671
And then we'll take care of the homework and your family contributions or whatever
00:06:54.671 --> 00:06:55.986
else we need to do that night.
00:06:56.621 --> 00:07:00.491
Now, depending on your kiddo's age, involve them in figuring out what that's
00:07:00.491 --> 00:07:04.684
going to look like. Ask them the questions. What do they think? What would help them?
00:07:05.328 --> 00:07:08.911
You might actually be surprised by what they tell you. Sometimes kids come up
00:07:08.911 --> 00:07:13.631
with better ideas and we even give them the opportunity to share with us or
00:07:13.631 --> 00:07:14.819
that we give them credit for.
00:07:15.411 --> 00:07:17.891
And then in step three, we're going to change the conversation.
00:07:17.891 --> 00:07:21.808
So now let's say it's time for homework and your kiddo announces, I'm not doing it.
00:07:22.406 --> 00:07:26.418
Well, don't match their grumpy attitude or defensive attitude.
00:07:26.777 --> 00:07:30.421
And you also don't need to launch into a speech about how hard you work and
00:07:30.421 --> 00:07:35.181
how lucky they are to have a parent like you or how their teacher says that
00:07:35.181 --> 00:07:38.248
they're such a good listener at school, but they're not listening at home.
00:07:38.457 --> 00:07:42.131
You know, no, that's tempting, isn't it? It's tempting to say,
00:07:42.131 --> 00:07:44.917
well, if you can listen to your teacher at school, why can't you listen to me?
00:07:45.555 --> 00:07:48.126
Can listen and do things for grandma, why can't you do them for me?
00:07:48.394 --> 00:07:53.368
But comparing their school behavior to their home behavior usually doesn't tell you what to do next.
00:07:54.089 --> 00:07:57.311
So instead, say something like, you know what, I hear you, but homework still
00:07:57.311 --> 00:08:00.503
needs to be done. You want to start at the table or at the counter?
00:08:01.311 --> 00:08:04.845
If your kiddo continues refusing, you might need to give him some time to decide
00:08:04.845 --> 00:08:09.246
what kind of support or follow through is appropriate, or you might need to delay the consequence.
00:08:09.901 --> 00:08:14.125
And if you genuinely do not know what to do next, it's okay for you to say,
00:08:14.125 --> 00:08:16.335
you know what, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this right now.
00:08:16.335 --> 00:08:19.124
I need a little bit of time to think about it. I'll get back to you.
00:08:19.817 --> 00:08:24.403
You're still the parent. You don't have to figure out every response in the heat of the moment.
00:08:24.693 --> 00:08:27.795
You might need to say something like, hey, buddy, I'm happy to take you to piano
00:08:27.795 --> 00:08:32.495
lessons or to soccer practice or whatever it is just as soon as you've gotten
00:08:32.495 --> 00:08:34.305
your homework done. Take your time.
00:08:34.654 --> 00:08:39.141
And if they don't get it done by the time it's time to leave for practice, you just don't go.
00:08:39.350 --> 00:08:42.895
That only usually needs to happen one or two times before the kiddo figures
00:08:42.895 --> 00:08:45.446
out mom and dad's words are gold.
00:08:46.152 --> 00:08:49.745
Now, I also want to be clear about something. Your kiddo can be tired,
00:08:50.082 --> 00:08:55.684
overwhelmed, disappointed, or upset and still be responsible for how they treat people.
00:08:56.269 --> 00:09:00.285
So if they slam a door, call somebody a name, or throw something,
00:09:00.285 --> 00:09:01.754
well, we're going to address that.
00:09:02.428 --> 00:09:05.400
In No Problem Parenting, I teach the make it right technique.
00:09:05.859 --> 00:09:10.125
We don't need to make our kids pay for having a difficult afternoon,
00:09:10.125 --> 00:09:14.175
but we do need to teach them that when they hurt somebody, damage something,
00:09:14.175 --> 00:09:15.906
or create a problem for somebody,
00:09:16.277 --> 00:09:18.460
they have a responsibility to help make it right.
00:09:18.982 --> 00:09:24.741
And when they do follow through, even if they weren't thrilled about having to do it, notice that.
00:09:25.054 --> 00:09:28.045
Even if they were crabby, but they did the thing they were supposed to do,
00:09:28.045 --> 00:09:31.457
you can say, hey, I see you didn't want to do it, but thanks for doing it anyway.
00:09:32.117 --> 00:09:35.345
And then we got to remember to go on with our afternoon or our evening.
00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:39.594
We don't need to turn every difficult moment into a family meeting.
00:09:40.362 --> 00:09:43.311
Now, before we go, here's what I'd like you to do this week.
00:09:43.671 --> 00:09:48.827
Pick one time of day when your kiddo's behavior seems noticeably harder at home
00:09:49.152 --> 00:09:50.492
than it is anywhere else.
00:09:51.142 --> 00:09:55.525
Pay attention to what happens right before things go sideways.
00:09:55.925 --> 00:09:59.315
And then I want you to look at how you can prepare differently.
00:09:59.832 --> 00:10:04.087
Maybe it's a transition or an expectation that hasn't been clear.
00:10:04.563 --> 00:10:08.195
Or maybe your kiddo needs some help learning a skill that they've been avoiding,
00:10:08.195 --> 00:10:09.571
so they need some practice.
00:10:10.135 --> 00:10:12.271
Just start with one situation.
00:10:12.933 --> 00:10:17.215
And remember, just because your kiddo behaves differently with you doesn't mean
00:10:17.215 --> 00:10:18.592
you're failing as a parent.
00:10:18.964 --> 00:10:22.667
It means there's something worth understanding and working on.
00:10:23.039 --> 00:10:26.885
And that's what we do at No Problem Parenting. We deal with the problem in front
00:10:26.885 --> 00:10:31.135
of us, and we give that problem only as much attention as it deserves,
00:10:31.135 --> 00:10:32.495
and then we keep her moving.
00:10:32.495 --> 00:10:36.065
And if you'd like help figuring out what's behind a particular behavior at your
00:10:36.065 --> 00:10:41.149
house, You can now find the No Problem Parenting app on both Apple and Android.
00:10:41.678 --> 00:10:45.550
Inside the app, you can ask Celia about what's happening with your child,
00:10:45.828 --> 00:10:50.005
and she's going to give you some practical ideas or some resources based on
00:10:50.005 --> 00:10:51.535
the No Problem Parenting approach.
00:10:51.947 --> 00:10:57.995
You can get started by going to app.noproblemparents.com or search for No Problem
00:10:57.995 --> 00:11:00.532
Parenting on the iTunes or Android app.
00:11:01.206 --> 00:11:03.893
Thanks for listening to the No Problem Parenting podcast.