What to Do When Your Child Pushes Back: The Power of Follow-Through

WEBVTT
00:00:00.017 --> 00:00:05.137
Hey there, parents. Have you ever prepared yourself for a meltdown or a tough
00:00:05.137 --> 00:00:09.497
conversation with your kiddo and they still completely pushed back anyway?
00:00:10.057 --> 00:00:13.917
You know those times when you've explained the expectation, you've reminded
00:00:13.917 --> 00:00:17.497
them ahead of time, you've talked through the plan, totally prepared,
00:00:17.517 --> 00:00:21.897
and somehow it's still turned into arguing, yelling, whining,
00:00:21.957 --> 00:00:23.917
and maybe even a full-blown meltdown?
00:00:24.417 --> 00:00:28.037
Well, that's usually the moment that you think, why in the heck isn't this working?
00:00:28.837 --> 00:00:32.297
Well, it's because preparation alone doesn't change the behavior.
00:00:32.477 --> 00:00:36.737
It's the follow-through that does. And today we're talking about one of the
00:00:36.737 --> 00:00:41.737
biggest parenting mistakes that families make after doing all the preparation work.
00:00:42.430 --> 00:00:46.930
Guess what it is? It's when you panic when the child still pushes back.
00:00:47.590 --> 00:00:51.410
Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast, where parents learn how to lead
00:00:51.410 --> 00:00:57.410
with confidence, clarity, and steadiness, even when behavior feels exhausting or unpredictable.
00:00:58.070 --> 00:01:02.090
This month, inside of the nest, we're talking about one of the most overlooked
00:01:02.090 --> 00:01:06.810
parenting tools there is, in my mind anyway, and I believe it's preparation,
00:01:07.130 --> 00:01:09.290
not perfection, preparation.
00:01:09.490 --> 00:01:15.570
Because when parents prepare ahead of time, you stop getting pulled into the chaos as often.
00:01:15.770 --> 00:01:20.110
None of us are perfect, so preparation doesn't mean that you're going to be
00:01:20.110 --> 00:01:24.890
controlling every moment. You're not going to be all calm and quiet and cool and collected.
00:01:25.050 --> 00:01:28.710
And it definitely doesn't mean that you're going to become rigid when things
00:01:28.710 --> 00:01:29.930
aren't working the way you planned.
00:01:30.130 --> 00:01:35.330
It means thinking ahead instead of constantly reacting in the moment or getting
00:01:35.330 --> 00:01:36.870
tugged into all the emotion.
00:01:37.030 --> 00:01:40.910
A lot of parenting stress comes from parents expecting that kids are just going
00:01:40.910 --> 00:01:44.890
to handle situations that they're actually not fully prepared for themselves.
00:01:45.210 --> 00:01:49.450
So, everyone ends up getting frustrated when things fall apart.
00:01:49.450 --> 00:01:53.230
So, for example, let's say your child struggles every morning before school.
00:01:53.590 --> 00:01:58.170
Every single morning turns into reminders, rushing, frustration, yelling, and stress.
00:01:58.590 --> 00:02:03.490
Well, if you keep repeating the same pattern while hoping that the kiddo is
00:02:03.490 --> 00:02:05.750
going to suddenly handle it differently tomorrow.
00:02:06.565 --> 00:02:09.985
Preparation asks a different question. How about instead we ask,
00:02:10.325 --> 00:02:13.065
what can I adjust before the problem starts?
00:02:13.745 --> 00:02:18.505
Maybe the backpack gets packed the night before. Maybe the clothes get laid out ahead of time.
00:02:18.665 --> 00:02:22.725
Maybe the screens get shut off earlier because bedtime has been too late.
00:02:23.045 --> 00:02:27.725
Maybe the kiddo needs a visual checklist instead of repeated verbal reminders.
00:02:28.025 --> 00:02:30.345
It's like, hey, buddy, go check your list. Are you ready?
00:02:31.085 --> 00:02:35.505
Preparation reduces pressure on the moment itself. And that matters because
00:02:35.505 --> 00:02:39.265
most children handle transitions better when expectations are predictable,
00:02:39.645 --> 00:02:44.985
not constantly changing the expectation, not constantly feeding the emotions
00:02:44.985 --> 00:02:48.225
and becoming emotional in the expectation, but instead predictable.
00:02:48.225 --> 00:02:51.065
And honestly, adults aren't much different.
00:02:51.265 --> 00:02:54.405
Most of us function better when we know what's coming. Well,
00:02:54.545 --> 00:02:57.985
children do too, especially kids who struggle with regulation,
00:02:58.305 --> 00:03:04.245
anxiety, attention, sensory overload, learning challenges, or emotional intensity.
00:03:04.825 --> 00:03:09.525
Preparation creates safety, and safety reduces chaos. us.
00:03:10.085 --> 00:03:15.025
However, a big mistake that we often make is waiting until the behavior escalates
00:03:15.025 --> 00:03:17.265
before becoming clear about our expectation.
00:03:17.565 --> 00:03:21.725
If the child's already melting down, if the siblings are already fighting.
00:03:22.328 --> 00:03:27.408
If the child is already refusing, parents try to create structure in the middle
00:03:27.408 --> 00:03:28.748
of that emotional intensity.
00:03:29.028 --> 00:03:34.208
Well, that's just hard on everyone. So preparation happens before the emotion takes over.
00:03:34.328 --> 00:03:37.828
And we're not just preparing for them to do the thing, to make it easier,
00:03:38.048 --> 00:03:41.568
smoother for them to do the thing that we ask them to do or we ask them not to do.
00:03:41.768 --> 00:03:46.928
We're actually preparing for what happens when they don't. Prepare for the worst.
00:03:47.168 --> 00:03:51.568
Step two of no problem parenting means we are kind of planning and predicting
00:03:51.568 --> 00:03:55.448
the worst that could happen, quote unquote. Can't always be prepared.
00:03:55.728 --> 00:04:00.108
Life throws us curveballs. Our kids most certainly do. But there are those day
00:04:00.108 --> 00:04:02.528
in and day out challenges we know are going to happen.
00:04:02.908 --> 00:04:07.328
Even when we're prepared to follow through, our kiddos, some of our kiddos are
00:04:07.328 --> 00:04:10.828
just going to push and push and they're going to tug our heartstrings or they're
00:04:10.828 --> 00:04:14.348
going to say things that they just know they're going to get a rise out of us for.
00:04:14.948 --> 00:04:18.228
Preparing for the worst means preparing for those moments too,
00:04:18.428 --> 00:04:22.428
so that you can turn your shoulder to the side, let the daggers fly on by.
00:04:22.668 --> 00:04:28.208
You're not quote unquote phased by the words or the behaviors that are coming
00:04:28.208 --> 00:04:31.028
when you've asked your kiddo to do or not do something, right?
00:04:31.348 --> 00:04:34.508
So you're going to stay in leadership mode.
00:04:34.948 --> 00:04:39.928
You're going to be noticing. We talk a lot about that in lesson three of change
00:04:39.928 --> 00:04:41.188
the conversation with kids.
00:04:41.688 --> 00:04:46.388
Notice the behavior, observe the behavior, Don't get tied in to the behavior.
00:04:46.948 --> 00:04:50.028
So you might say something like, hey, kiddo, before we go into the store,
00:04:50.148 --> 00:04:51.068
here's what's expected.
00:04:51.874 --> 00:04:55.994
When homework is done, screens can turn on. When the timer goes off,
00:04:56.274 --> 00:04:57.674
electronics get plugged in.
00:04:57.994 --> 00:05:02.234
Your simple, clear, predictable direction is going to matter.
00:05:02.394 --> 00:05:04.974
But here's something important that you really need to hear.
00:05:05.894 --> 00:05:10.434
Preparation itself does not change the behavior. Your follow-through does.
00:05:10.574 --> 00:05:13.854
And this is where I want you to stop doubting yourself.
00:05:14.234 --> 00:05:18.034
I want you to prepare. I want you to explain. I want you to set the limit.
00:05:18.694 --> 00:05:22.394
And then I want you to be prepared for when the child still melts down.
00:05:22.534 --> 00:05:24.394
They still argue. They still push back.
00:05:24.814 --> 00:05:28.214
And instead of immediately thinking, oh, my gosh, this isn't working,
00:05:28.254 --> 00:05:32.934
I want you to remember that pushback does not mean the strategy failed.
00:05:33.374 --> 00:05:38.134
In fact, sometimes pushback is the first sign that change is actually happening.
00:05:39.034 --> 00:05:43.514
Children often react bigger when parents begin leading differently. Why?
00:05:44.094 --> 00:05:48.154
Well, because kids are trying to figure out, is this really the new expectation?
00:05:48.714 --> 00:05:55.014
Will my parent actually follow through this time? Does the boundary stay even when I get upset?
00:05:55.534 --> 00:06:00.074
Honestly, many kids already know from experience that eventually you're going
00:06:00.074 --> 00:06:02.874
to give in. Eventually, you're going to start yelling.
00:06:03.454 --> 00:06:06.794
Eventually, you're going to over explain or negotiate with them.
00:06:06.914 --> 00:06:09.294
Or maybe you're going to drop the expectation altogether.
00:06:10.293 --> 00:06:14.853
So when you become suddenly more clear, when you're steadier and you're more
00:06:14.853 --> 00:06:18.453
consistent, kids often increase their behavior at first.
00:06:18.593 --> 00:06:20.833
They're going to challenge that. They're going to test that.
00:06:21.133 --> 00:06:25.233
Not because your kiddo's bad, not because the strategy failed,
00:06:25.433 --> 00:06:30.133
but because your kiddo is testing whether your leadership is believable.
00:06:30.713 --> 00:06:34.353
And I think this is where many of us panic. Many parents will panic.
00:06:34.473 --> 00:06:37.853
They think this is getting worse. My kid's behavior is amping up.
00:06:37.993 --> 00:06:41.433
They're more upset than they were before. Maybe I should just let this go.
00:06:41.573 --> 00:06:42.633
Maybe I'm overreacting.
00:06:42.853 --> 00:06:47.493
But that's usually the exact moment that follow-through matters the most.
00:06:47.653 --> 00:06:50.973
Because when you stay matter-of-fact and you follow through anyway,
00:06:51.333 --> 00:06:54.653
your kiddo's going to begin to learn something incredibly important.
00:06:55.233 --> 00:07:00.633
My parent can handle this. The expectation stays, even when I'm upset.
00:07:00.813 --> 00:07:03.993
And my reactions don't control the whole house anymore.
00:07:04.213 --> 00:07:09.053
And honestly, this is one of the biggest shifts that parents experience in no problem parenting,
00:07:09.053 --> 00:07:14.533
when you stop fearing your child's reaction, when you stop believing that you
00:07:14.533 --> 00:07:18.113
have to fix every emotion your child experiences immediately,
00:07:18.113 --> 00:07:22.753
when you stop allowing pushback to control the direction of the day,
00:07:22.973 --> 00:07:28.213
because kids absolutely notice when parents become emotionally shaky.
00:07:28.413 --> 00:07:31.833
They notice when they catch you off guard, or they freak you out,
00:07:31.933 --> 00:07:35.393
or they make you question yourself, and they notice when you become steady.
00:07:35.553 --> 00:07:37.573
And that steadiness creates safety.
00:07:37.833 --> 00:07:42.773
So here's the encouraging part you need to understand. Most families only experience
00:07:42.773 --> 00:07:48.893
those really intense pushback moments a handful of times before the behavior starts shifting. Why?
00:07:49.273 --> 00:07:52.593
Well, because kids realize the old pattern isn't going to work anymore.
00:07:52.773 --> 00:07:57.453
The yelling doesn't change the answer. The meltdown doesn't remove the expectation
00:07:57.453 --> 00:07:59.553
and the argument doesn't control the parent.
00:07:59.853 --> 00:08:04.853
And then life keeps moving forward. As we say in the Midwest, keep her moving.
00:08:05.193 --> 00:08:07.573
That's when home begins to feel calmer.
00:08:08.186 --> 00:08:12.146
More steady, more stable. Not because children suddenly love these boundaries,
00:08:12.326 --> 00:08:14.526
but because leadership becomes predictable.
00:08:15.026 --> 00:08:20.026
And parents often think that consistency means you're going to have to repeat yourself forever.
00:08:20.226 --> 00:08:26.006
But real consistency actually reduces conflict over time because kids stop wondering
00:08:26.006 --> 00:08:28.006
whether you mean what you say.
00:08:28.146 --> 00:08:32.966
And that's why follow-through matters so much more than having the perfect words in the right moment.
00:08:33.306 --> 00:08:38.766
Kids trust leadership they can predict. And sometimes the most powerful parenting
00:08:38.766 --> 00:08:43.466
moment is staying steady while your child is temporarily unhappy.
00:08:43.986 --> 00:08:46.646
You're not going to get harsh. You don't have to get emotional.
00:08:46.646 --> 00:08:49.766
You don't have to get reactive. Just be very matter of fact.
00:08:49.886 --> 00:08:51.386
Hey, buddy, I hear you. This is hard.
00:08:51.586 --> 00:08:55.326
The expectation still stands. We're still moving forward.
00:08:56.052 --> 00:09:00.452
That's the moment children begin learning resilience, emotional regulation,
00:09:01.132 --> 00:09:06.272
frustration tolerance, and respect for boundaries. So when you can do this consistently
00:09:06.272 --> 00:09:09.192
at home, things get better at school.
00:09:09.372 --> 00:09:14.732
And honestly, it's also the moment many parents finally begin to feel confident again, too.
00:09:15.372 --> 00:09:18.732
You've got to ride out a couple of those really tough moments and follow through.
00:09:19.012 --> 00:09:23.072
Set your limit, set the direction, set your boundary, and then stop talking.
00:09:24.052 --> 00:09:29.292
Preparation helps you to stop talking, over-talking, because many of us repeat
00:09:29.292 --> 00:09:33.032
ourselves over and over and over when expectations haven't been made clear ahead
00:09:33.032 --> 00:09:35.132
of time, and then we all get frustrated.
00:09:35.392 --> 00:09:38.572
Sometimes we're actually upset at our kid when it's really our fault because
00:09:38.572 --> 00:09:39.992
we didn't set a clear guideline.
00:09:40.372 --> 00:09:43.332
And if we haven't always followed through on that guideline,
00:09:43.852 --> 00:09:46.812
the kiddo's like, well, maybe they will, maybe they won't this time,
00:09:46.832 --> 00:09:51.772
but when we change that rule, when we change our follow-through and we actually
00:09:51.772 --> 00:09:55.352
do follow through, Of course, our kids are going to push back sometimes.
00:09:55.352 --> 00:09:59.012
But when your kiddo pushes back, you don't have to get frustrated about it.
00:09:59.172 --> 00:10:03.092
You can have prepared for it. It's going to be okay. You're going to ride out their emotion.
00:10:03.972 --> 00:10:08.732
Preparation allows us to stay less because the structure's already in place.
00:10:08.992 --> 00:10:11.252
And kids respond better to that.
00:10:11.532 --> 00:10:14.872
Clear, simple, and predictable. That's leadership. And honestly,
00:10:15.032 --> 00:10:20.352
this approach helps parents feel less exhausted, too, because emotionally reacting is draining.
00:10:20.712 --> 00:10:25.512
It just wipes us out. Constant negotiating is draining Feeling caught off guard
00:10:25.512 --> 00:10:30.112
all day is draining But preparation creates more steadiness for parents too
00:10:30.112 --> 00:10:34.652
Not perfection, just more steadiness It doesn't always look pretty.
00:10:35.383 --> 00:10:38.163
That's why I don't use the word calm a lot, like, oh, just calm down,
00:10:38.303 --> 00:10:40.243
parents. No, it's not always pretty.
00:10:40.723 --> 00:10:44.263
We're gonna get intense. We're gonna be feeling all the feels.
00:10:44.483 --> 00:10:46.783
We're gonna be sometimes a little caught off guard or freaked out.
00:10:47.043 --> 00:10:50.983
It's okay. Just continue to tell yourself to pause and then stay steady.
00:10:51.183 --> 00:10:54.643
Observe and notice what's happening versus getting caught up into it.
00:10:54.743 --> 00:10:57.543
And that's what kids need most, your steadiness.
00:10:57.683 --> 00:11:01.403
So in the next episode, we're gonna talk about how to plan ahead for the exact
00:11:01.403 --> 00:11:05.743
moments that usually turn into battles at home and how small changes before
00:11:05.743 --> 00:11:09.303
those moments can completely change the direction of the interaction.
00:11:09.703 --> 00:11:14.263
And if this episode resonates, this is exactly what we work on inside The Nest.
00:11:14.403 --> 00:11:18.203
It's our monthly group coaching program where parents can practice practical
00:11:18.203 --> 00:11:22.403
leadership tools that reduce chaos and build more confidence at home.
00:11:22.523 --> 00:11:27.303
You can learn more about all our programs and services by going to noproblemparents.com.
00:11:27.363 --> 00:11:31.083
And if you're in the middle of this right now, if you've started setting clearer
00:11:31.083 --> 00:11:36.083
expectations and suddenly your child seems even more upset or resistant, don't panic.
00:11:36.283 --> 00:11:39.143
That doesn't automatically mean you're doing something wrong.
00:11:39.643 --> 00:11:44.303
Sometimes it means your child is noticing your leadership shift.
00:11:44.463 --> 00:11:49.623
So stay steady, stay matter of fact, and remember, children often push hardest
00:11:49.623 --> 00:11:52.563
right before they start believing the boundary is real.
00:11:52.703 --> 00:11:56.623
You don't need to win the emotion. You do not need to overpower your child.
00:11:56.783 --> 00:11:58.863
You just need to stay believable.
00:11:59.083 --> 00:12:04.423
And then over time, predictable leadership creates emotional safety and emotional
00:12:04.423 --> 00:12:06.243
safety changes families.
00:12:06.723 --> 00:12:12.043
Hey parents, if this episode shifted how you see your child's behavior or yourself, take the next step.
00:12:12.323 --> 00:12:16.863
You'll find practical tools and support at noproblemparents.com to help you
00:12:16.863 --> 00:12:18.763
lead with clarity and confidence.
00:12:18.983 --> 00:12:23.003
Less reacting, more leadership. That's no problem parenting.