Parenting a Child With Attachment Struggles: When Love Isn't Enough

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You're listening to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. I'm Jackie Finneman,
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parent coach, speaker, and host of this show.
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Here, we help parents move out of reaction mode and into confident leadership
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using steady, matter-of-fact responses that build trust, responsibility,
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and real change over time.
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If you're ready to stop reacting and start leading, you're in the right place.
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All right, welcome back, No Problem Parents. I'm so excited, you guys.
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Karen and I have not seen each other in years, but we've reconnected and we're
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talking about a topic that many families live with quietly, and that is attachment struggles.
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So painful behavior patterns, and it can just be exhausting when a kid is pushing
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hardest against the people that love them the most.
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Joining me today is Karen from the Radish Ranch. Karen supports parents in a
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real, practical, compassionate, down-to-earth kind of way, and I'm just really
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grateful to have you on the show. Welcome, Karen.
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Thank you. It's great to be here. Let's start with the Cliff Notes version.
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Tell listeners a little bit about yourself and the work that you do and what
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the Radish Ranch is all about.
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Yeah, so I officially, I started working with or knowing about RAD in 2012.
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Unofficially, it was about six years before that, when friends of mine had a
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child with RAD and who wasn't diagnosed.
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So for six years, they were like, what's going on with our child? What are we doing wrong?
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He went through a whole list of misdiagnoses and therapies and nothing helped.
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And then they found out about reactive attachment disorder through a Google
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search and found out about therapeutic parenting and care. And so I watched
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them through this whole journey.
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Their child had every behavior and every struggle that our kids have, and nothing helped.
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Nothing worked. The entire family was falling apart.
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And then when they found out about this, they went to a camp in Florida for
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a week and came back empowered as parents.
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And their child still had the same behaviors he still does today.
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He still hasn't got his life together. But the parents came back empowered.
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We know how to help our child.
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We know what's going on. We know what we can do.
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And so then I got to watch them for a couple years, starting to implement therapeutic
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parenting, and I saw the difference it made for their family.
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And so I got really curious what this was.
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So I had the opportunity to go volunteer to camp with them.
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And saw firsthand for a week what attachment struggles were,
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what that looked like, what these behaviors were, and then the effectiveness
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of therapeutic techniques to help kids.
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I did a deep dive into that.
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And since 2014, 2014, I started doing therapeutic respite care full-time.
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Going into families' homes was how I started and working with a parent coach
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or a therapist and a therapist,
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And then it slowly evolved into opening the Radish Ranch in 2016.
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And the whole goal with the Radish Ranch was to provide parents with very practical,
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hands-on, everyday solutions to help implement therapeutic parenting.
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And we've grown since then. So now, over the last three years,
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we have started to focus more on trainings and community support for families.
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So I stopped doing respite care, but realized families still need it.
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And it's so much more beneficial when it's in their local community.
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Oh, for sure. Yeah. So we've started training respite providers and teachers
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and community support groups so that families get the knowledge and information
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they need and the support group to be able to do that effectively.
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I love that. That's so good. You and I are alike in that we used to travel to families' homes.
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We'd stay with them for days, if not weeks, to help support them and teach them
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what we knew and help that communication and relationship with their kids.
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But I also love what you said about that first kiddo that you worked with who
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is still struggling, hasn't gotten his poop in a group or his life together.
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However, the parents have the tools and the skills to be able to survive it
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and to live with it and to keep him alive. right at home.
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So sometimes it's not this magic wand fix, but it can be less painful when we
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know what we didn't know before.
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Yeah. And I love I tell that story at every training I do.
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And I tell parents that family that I first work with, I consider them very
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successful therapeutic parents because your success as a parent doesn't depend
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on your kids' behaviors.
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You can do everything. They still have to decide to make those changes.
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When they don't, it doesn't mean you failed.
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And so, successful therapeutic parenting means you're able to recognize your
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child's needs and meet them in the best way you can.
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You're able to set appropriate boundaries for your family. You're able to keep
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yourself regulated and sane.
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And you're able to help the other kids in your families.
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And that's my definition or my look of a successful therapeutic parent,
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whether the child with the attachment disorder makes those choices to change or not.
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Yeah, that's so good. What do you think made you care so deeply about helping
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parents in general, much less parents raising these kiddos with breaks in attachment or trauma?
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Oh, that's a big question.
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It started out, it was just curiosity.
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And before I got into this, I was teaching at a private school.
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And looking back, like, I definitely had a couple of students who would have
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been on the attachment disorder spectrum somewhere. I don't know.
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And I realized when I was teaching them, it was always the kids you consider
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the naughty kids are the ones with bad behaviors. They were my favorites.
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And it's because I realized I could connect with them on a deeper level.
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I got a problem. How can I sit with you in this and help you?
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Yeah. Whereas my students who were the better behaved ones, you didn't get to
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know them on that level. And it wasn't such a rewarding connection as it were.
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How can I sit with you and help you with this?
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Yeah. And then, so for years, I just worked with the kids and I just did the
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kid part before having enough knowledge and experience to get into the parent coaching part.
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And when I started out, some of the professionals I worked with was very much,
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here's a set program, you have to do this.
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And then I would go to families' homes. I'm like, but that, it doesn't fit,
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right? It's not this family style. It's not their personality.
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They're dealing with trauma and PTSD themselves and all this other stuff.
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And so I just had this compassion, like, how can I go and just sit with these families?
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And how do I just come into a home and just be like, hey, I'm here.
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If you want to make some changes i'm gonna support you wherever you're
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at if you just need a moment to just sit here and be
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a sane person in your house i will do that and
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i think it was just that yeah just that compassion
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like how can i just be with you yeah from their help to implement new techniques
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or whatever is going to help your family in the best way possible but it's so
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true that we can all take programs we can learn parenting approaches and all
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the different things, but applying them in our own home,
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oftentimes you have to tweak the approach that you learned. Yes, you do.
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And sometimes you need a sounding board or another person's,
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another set of eyes, but right in there with you.
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I did in-home for over 20 years and it was all in-home family counseling.
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There was no coming to my office. It was me going directly into the family's homes.
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And that is where I learned the most, more than being in college,
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more than reading books, more than doing anything.
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It was sitting with the actual families in their real life situation.
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So I love it. You and I have talked about, too, that oftentimes parents are
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actually doing better than they realize.
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And what do you think is that parents aren't giving themselves enough credit
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for the things that they've done?
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What do you wish maybe those overwhelmed parents could actually see about themselves?
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So I often have parents, they're like, I'm not doing enough,
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should have done more, should have known more, should have all the shoulds.
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Yeah, shouldn't on yourself.
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Yeah, exactly. There's so much shame and guilt that comes with having a child
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with an attachment disorder.
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And when I work with foster and adoptive families, it's we should have done more training.
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We should have looked into this. Why didn't anybody tell us? Oh, that's a big one.
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Yeah. When I work with birth families, they're like, what did I do?
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I caused the problem and there's so much guilt and shame with it.
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So I always tell parents, like, the fact that you are willing to change your
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entire life to help your child is you're doing something right.
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The fact that you sent an email that you called that you signed up for a course
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that you're willing to make changes.
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And then I also tell parents, like, you've got to, you have to let it go.
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Yes, you can do all of this stuff. And that's not reality. Yeah.
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I'm very much about, like, getting families to live in reality.
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So, yes, you can do these hundred techniques, and in an ideal world,
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your life will be amazing.
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Practically, let's do three. You feel really empowered as a parent.
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And when you feel empowered, then you can do another technique.
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Start small. Start with the things you love. Start with the things that speak
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to you or are easier for you to do. And then you grow from there.
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And give yourself credit, if nothing else, for the days that you made it through.
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Even if it didn't go as planned.
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One of my favorite quotes is, on particularly rough days when you feel like
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you cannot possibly endure, you need to remember that your track record for
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getting through those days so far is 100%.
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And I always say, I think that's pretty darn good.
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So even if it didn't go smoother, what you made it through, as long as you made
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it through a day, and hopefully with services like Radish Ranch,
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parents will find some support so that they know that they don't have to go
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it alone. And there's people that get it.
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When traditional parenting doesn't work. That's what we're talking about today.
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Things that can work for neurotypical kids as well, but really the things that
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work best with those kiddos who reject your love.
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And so for the parent, we should, we're kind of getting ahead of ourselves too,
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but for the parent who hasn't heard about attachment disorder,
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which if you haven't heard, you should have been listening to episode four and
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five of my podcast because I give you a, I give you a good, some good information there.
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A lot of times too, parents don't even realize that they have a kiddo,
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whether their child was adopted or maybe had medical pain as a baby.
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We're talking primarily about the first year of life up to the first three years of life, right?
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And sometimes parents will come to me and they'll think their child has some
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kind of attachment issue, but it's really that their child's been overindulged.
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And the behaviors can look similar. But what would you say is the cliff note
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version of attachment if a parent doesn't really understand what an attachment
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disorder might look like? Yeah.
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So I always say like RAD and developmental trauma disorder is like a two-part
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disorder. So you've got to look at what is the attachment.
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And with RAD or DDT, it's typically a complete lack of attachment.
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And then you get the milder versions of trauma and attachment disorders where
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it's insecure, avoidance type of attachments.
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And then you've got to look at the trauma that happened. And we always look
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at those first three years of life. And then you look at how those two interacted.
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Because trauma impacts the ability to build attachments, and a lack of attachments
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takes away the buffer to the stress of the trauma.
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So it's always, what did your child experience? and being the myth of normal
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by Gabber Mate a while ago.
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And he gives such a great explanation of the big T and little t trauma.
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And big T is like kidnapping, rape, assault, abuse, severe neglect,
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big natural disasters, combat.
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And then small t trauma is when over and over again we didn't have our basic needs met.
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Our emotional needs, our physical needs, those caring interactions.
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Constant rejection, like little things over time. So I always get parents to
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look at if there was no big T trauma, let's look at the possible little T traumas that happened.
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Because you might think this happened, but it's not a big deal.
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I was away from my child for a week. I was dealing with this was going on, something happened.
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But it's when you add those up over three years, it's not.
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So you look at the attachment part. And then we look at the attachment part.
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And I always tell parents, you've got to take your emotions out of it.
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Because it's not how much you loved your child, it's how much love your child was able to take in.
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Meaning, did they perceive that you loved them or not?
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And then so from there, when I can give parents like, OK, there's this behavior.
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This is what we see. They're like, oh, yeah, my child does that.
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I thought they were attached, but it's those control behaviors or it's those
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people pleasing behaviors to try and stay feeling safe.
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So, yeah, I look at the trauma. I look at the level of attachment.
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And then I don't officially diagnose kids, of course, but it's kind of if they
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are on that attachment and trauma disorder spectrum or not, it is often pretty obvious.
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Yeah, I don't diagnose here either. And sometimes kids come to me with that
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diagnosis and other times they don't have it.
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And but we talk about that first three years of life and the pregnancy if the
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parent knows about it. They're adopted.
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Sometimes the parents have no knowledge of that. But then what are the behaviors?
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And then we can get the behaviors to me are symptoms and are coping skills.
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And so we get to the root of those. Yeah.
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What kinds of behaviors would a parent be dealing with that or some signs that
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the kiddo is struggling with attachment wounds or attachment-related behaviors,
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what might parents notice at home first?
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One of the biggest things that I always check for and then parents more often
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mention is that when their child is in an actually distressful situation,
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they won't come for help or comfort.
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They get like a paper cut and they are wailing away and they need a band-aid
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and all like the give me your attention type of behaviors.
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And I worked with a family, I think it was last summer, The kid fell and broke his arm.
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Never said anything. They said it was days until they took him to the doctor
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because he wouldn't say anything.
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Never cried. He was never in pain. He didn't come for comfort.
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And it's just like that real pain is so scary because kids really believe no
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one's going to take care of me.
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No one's going to be there. I've got to figure this out on my own.
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My arm's broken. How am I going to...
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Get through life on my own. And so they do it.
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And those kind of little, they get the paper cut or they get their,
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someone didn't do what they wanted them to do or whatever the situation.
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I often call, put those in the category of the control behavior.
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This little thing happened, how can I use it to control my environment?
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So how can I use it to make sure people are noticing me? If I make a really
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big fuss, everyone's going to know I'm here.
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And when everyone knows I'm here, No one's going to forget about me.
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I'm going to get my needs met in that way.
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But not necessarily, that's different. That's subtle, but it's different than,
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running to mom or dad because they got a paper cut or because they broke their
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arm or because they're in some sort of pain, have a stomach ache,
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have an ear infection that went on for weeks and the parent never knew.
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That's different than I want the attention, I'm going to get the attention of
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it, but I'm not going to actually seek help.
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And or then the parent does go to help and they reject the help.
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Yes. Yeah. And like kids who have healthy attachment, they get that paper cut
00:15:45.302 --> 00:15:49.982
and they come and it's this really hurts and they're able to take in the comfort.
00:15:50.842 --> 00:15:54.362
They get that hug and they're like, OK, I just need my parents.
00:15:54.762 --> 00:15:59.202
With attachment disorders, it's often like a big kind of dramatic production.
00:15:59.562 --> 00:16:04.362
And it's just a paper cut. Right. It's so over the top because it's their way
00:16:04.362 --> 00:16:10.262
of meeting a need that they have without the fear of that closeness of connection from a parent.
00:16:11.002 --> 00:16:15.442
Yeah, yeah. And sometimes we think of that and we use this word gets used a lot.
00:16:15.582 --> 00:16:18.662
In fact, in the first, I don't know, 10 years of working as a in-home family
00:16:18.662 --> 00:16:22.502
counselor, I would use the word manipulation a lot with kids because a lot of
00:16:22.502 --> 00:16:25.542
behaviors, it's like they both well know what they're doing.
00:16:25.762 --> 00:16:29.422
This is manipulation. They're manipulating me. But we need to look at that word
00:16:29.422 --> 00:16:30.642
or that situation different.
00:16:30.642 --> 00:16:35.042
When a kiddo is rejecting help or pushing a parent away, I think what's important
00:16:35.042 --> 00:16:37.382
for parents to understand before
00:16:37.382 --> 00:16:41.742
reacting or judging it as manipulation is what's going on underneath.
00:16:42.062 --> 00:16:46.222
So what would you say about that? What's the behavior often communicating underneath?
00:16:46.982 --> 00:16:50.322
Yeah. So we tend to think of manipulation as manipulation.
00:16:50.858 --> 00:16:54.898
Like someone creating a situation where they get what they want.
00:16:55.098 --> 00:16:58.438
When we're looking at trauma and attachment disorders, it's a child creating
00:16:58.438 --> 00:17:02.778
a situation where they get what they need. They need someone to know they're there.
00:17:02.958 --> 00:17:06.078
They need attention. They need all of these things.
00:17:06.478 --> 00:17:11.578
And the only way they know how to get those needs met is through these chaotic types of behaviors.
00:17:12.638 --> 00:17:18.598
Because real connection is too hard and too scary. So it's meeting these vital
00:17:18.598 --> 00:17:20.558
life needs that they have.
00:17:20.858 --> 00:17:25.298
And, yeah, I used to use the word manipulation a lot, and it was how I was trained.
00:17:25.518 --> 00:17:29.238
And over the last maybe five, six years, I'm like, that's just...
00:17:30.180 --> 00:17:35.220
It's not. Yeah, it gives a whole different mindset, kind of that control manipulation
00:17:35.220 --> 00:17:38.380
mindset that we tend to miss out on.
00:17:38.620 --> 00:17:43.680
It's actually needs that these kids have and they're meeting them in the best way they know how.
00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:47.420
Yeah, exactly. Like I, when I, and I think it's episode four,
00:17:47.540 --> 00:17:50.660
where I talk about that first year of light bonding cycle, that babies have
00:17:50.660 --> 00:17:52.340
a need. There's that whole, they have a need.
00:17:52.540 --> 00:17:55.440
How do they let us know? They cry. If we don't get there soon enough,
00:17:55.560 --> 00:17:57.060
they turn, it turns into a rage.
00:17:57.180 --> 00:18:01.300
Their little bodies just clench up and arch their back and they turn purple
00:18:01.300 --> 00:18:03.500
almost. And sometimes even can't catch a breath.
00:18:03.940 --> 00:18:07.680
And so then as quick as possible, we get over there and we gratify them,
00:18:07.760 --> 00:18:13.580
pick them up, bounce them, smile, eye contact, touch, change a diaper and give them sugar, lactose.
00:18:13.680 --> 00:18:16.460
The milk and all those things looking in their eyes.
00:18:16.600 --> 00:18:19.040
And we build trust with that. They look at us and they say, oh,
00:18:19.120 --> 00:18:21.460
you're responsible for that good feeling I'm having.
00:18:21.680 --> 00:18:25.140
That's how that trust is built. Happens zillions of times. I don't think anybody's
00:18:25.140 --> 00:18:28.600
ever counted how many times that happens.
00:18:28.600 --> 00:18:32.000
But where that break between the crying and the gratification,
00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:36.600
when that's not consistent, when mom or dad doesn't come consistently or meet
00:18:36.600 --> 00:18:41.640
that need, the baby goes inward and it's, I am responsible for the good feeling I'm having.
00:18:41.780 --> 00:18:46.360
I am responsible for getting my needs met. And people are just there almost
00:18:46.360 --> 00:18:48.080
like my servants in a way.
00:18:48.180 --> 00:18:51.580
It's a really different thing to understand or to catch sometimes.
00:18:51.820 --> 00:18:56.520
Can you use a, think of a situation like that where what would that look like in real life?
00:18:56.680 --> 00:19:00.120
So something interesting that I've noticed, one of the techniques I teach in
00:19:00.120 --> 00:19:03.560
therapeutic parenting is having kids ask for their needs.
00:19:04.240 --> 00:19:08.120
Every single need you can possibly have a kid ask for, you have them ask for
00:19:08.120 --> 00:19:10.520
it because it rebuilds that first year of life cycle.
00:19:11.176 --> 00:19:14.396
They're like, no one's going to take care of me. So now I've got to do something
00:19:14.396 --> 00:19:18.556
really hard and scary and ask my parent if I can have this thing that I need.
00:19:18.896 --> 00:19:22.376
Snack, a drink, go to the bathroom, put away their chore supplies,
00:19:22.536 --> 00:19:25.836
whatever it is. Just the very basic of things that we would mostly take.
00:19:26.116 --> 00:19:29.196
Like, why would you have to have your child ask for that? Exactly.
00:19:29.396 --> 00:19:32.496
And then they ask and it's, oh, no, what's going to happen? And when a parent
00:19:32.496 --> 00:19:34.296
says, yes, it's, oh, okay.
00:19:34.496 --> 00:19:38.296
And when we can do that thousands and thousands of times, we help to repair the cycle.
00:19:39.056 --> 00:19:42.936
And what I've noticed in so many kids, and I would say probably all of them,
00:19:43.336 --> 00:19:47.036
is that they will ask things like, just recently I had a little guy,
00:19:47.196 --> 00:19:50.476
he needed a napkin. He had something all over his face.
00:19:50.916 --> 00:19:56.416
So instead of saying, may I please have a napkin, it's, will you please pass me a napkin?
00:19:56.876 --> 00:20:02.136
And it's such a small difference. But asking, may I please have this,
00:20:02.176 --> 00:20:04.996
is putting yourself in a vulnerable position.
00:20:05.416 --> 00:20:08.176
I need something, I've got to rely on someone else.
00:20:08.736 --> 00:20:13.596
Saying will you please pass me a napkin is just they're going to get what they
00:20:13.596 --> 00:20:19.416
need anyway but are you going to help them out or not and to say no it hurts less,
00:20:19.976 --> 00:20:23.216
because it's not I'm not going to have my need met it just means you are not
00:20:23.216 --> 00:20:24.676
personally going to pass me one.
00:20:25.625 --> 00:20:29.405
Yeah. And it's such a small difference. So this is really subtle.
00:20:29.425 --> 00:20:31.585
And some people think if you don't, if you're not, by the way,
00:20:31.645 --> 00:20:33.765
if you're not raising a kiddo, like this is going to seem crazy.
00:20:34.125 --> 00:20:37.485
Yep. This is going to seem like over the top, like strict parenting.
00:20:37.485 --> 00:20:42.645
And when there's that vulnerability, it gives the opportunity for trust to build
00:20:42.645 --> 00:20:46.945
because it opens a child up to someone else has to now meet my need.
00:20:47.205 --> 00:20:50.305
Someone else has to take care of me. And so when the person,
00:20:50.665 --> 00:20:53.885
whoever it is, the parent, the caregiver steps into that role,
00:20:53.925 --> 00:20:58.165
we can help build that bridge there between the vulnerability and the trust.
00:20:58.705 --> 00:21:03.125
And so I think like it sounds crazy, but the more you can do this,
00:21:03.325 --> 00:21:05.545
the more trust you're building with your child.
00:21:06.165 --> 00:21:09.485
And so if you can do it a thousand times, do it a thousand times.
00:21:10.105 --> 00:21:13.805
So, yeah. Well, and it's all crazy to use typical parenting.
00:21:14.705 --> 00:21:19.525
But here's the other really important part of that is that your kid is so used to being told no.
00:21:19.745 --> 00:21:22.365
Because a lot of times they're doing things that they're not supposed to be
00:21:22.365 --> 00:21:24.345
doing, risky behaviors, demanding
00:21:24.345 --> 00:21:28.025
things that they absolutely cannot have or are not safe for them.
00:21:28.185 --> 00:21:32.165
And so they're constantly being told no. So when we can flip that script and
00:21:32.165 --> 00:21:36.005
that shift that around where they're asking for basic needs that are a no brainer
00:21:36.005 --> 00:21:40.265
that obviously they can have and we're but having them ask and we get to say
00:21:40.265 --> 00:21:43.085
yes, that's where you're talking about. It's rebuilding. Exactly.
00:21:43.685 --> 00:21:48.285
Yeah. And parents get to add in, you know, dozens of positives a day when they're
00:21:48.285 --> 00:21:49.705
saying, yes, you can have a drink.
00:21:49.845 --> 00:21:51.765
Yes, you can have a snack. Yes, you can clear your dish. Yes,
00:21:51.765 --> 00:21:52.385
you can go to the bathroom.
00:21:52.605 --> 00:21:56.725
Yes, you can get your shoes on. But there's so many more positives that come
00:21:56.725 --> 00:22:01.205
into parenting when we implement like just that one little technique.
00:22:02.105 --> 00:22:05.945
Yeah, that's good. What are some of the common maybe mistakes that parents make
00:22:05.945 --> 00:22:09.205
when other parenting kiddos like this and they're desperate to help?
00:22:09.365 --> 00:22:13.025
What usually is maybe a mistake and a better way to do it?
00:22:13.205 --> 00:22:16.225
Would you say? What you said right there is they're trying to help.
00:22:17.388 --> 00:22:23.348
And there's, so one of my sayings I use a lot is that you have to meet a child's level of motivation.
00:22:23.968 --> 00:22:29.148
And so you have to care less. And I don't know if you're familiar with the 10
00:22:29.148 --> 00:22:31.248
units of concern, but I use that a lot.
00:22:31.668 --> 00:22:37.408
So the 10 units of concern is like every problem or behavior or whatever has 10 units.
00:22:37.788 --> 00:22:43.208
The person who holds the most units and cares the most is the one who will change their behavior.
00:22:43.768 --> 00:22:46.008
So it's like, all of a sudden, I've got all of this concern.
00:22:46.168 --> 00:22:48.268
If it's not working, I've got to change it.
00:22:48.448 --> 00:22:52.968
And parents are too helpful or too caring.
00:22:53.328 --> 00:22:58.568
And so they pick those all up. And so the saying I always use is care less,
00:22:58.908 --> 00:23:03.788
which means you care less about the behavior than you care about the child as a person.
00:23:04.088 --> 00:23:08.868
And you care less about the behavior than the child cares about the behavior.
00:23:09.428 --> 00:23:12.768
Your role as a parent is you love this child no matter what.
00:23:12.768 --> 00:23:16.528
You love them whether they brush their teeth or not, whether they swear at you
00:23:16.528 --> 00:23:19.268
or not, whether they call you the worst mom in the world or not,
00:23:19.408 --> 00:23:23.128
whether they punch holes in your wall or not. Your love stays the same for the child.
00:23:23.588 --> 00:23:30.028
And you cannot help them so much that you bypass their ability to recognize
00:23:30.028 --> 00:23:31.428
and solve their problems.
00:23:31.788 --> 00:23:37.288
So I tell parents, you got to be less helpful. Yeah, it's so many of the techniques
00:23:37.288 --> 00:23:43.768
or skills that we use in parenting kiddos with attachment issues is I call it bass-ackwards.
00:23:44.764 --> 00:23:48.804
It's not typical. And sometimes when you're doing something that everybody says,
00:23:48.924 --> 00:23:51.504
oh, do this and you're doing it and it's not working and you're beating your
00:23:51.504 --> 00:23:54.704
head against a wall and blaming yourself and thinking you're a bad parent,
00:23:55.044 --> 00:23:56.064
throw that out the window.
00:23:56.304 --> 00:23:58.944
If you've tried something a zillion times and it's not working,
00:23:59.024 --> 00:24:00.784
it's because it doesn't work for your kid.
00:24:00.984 --> 00:24:04.964
They aren't wired the same way. They aren't wired to trust and they aren't wired
00:24:04.964 --> 00:24:10.944
to feel safe to ask you for things or to do things your way.
00:24:11.644 --> 00:24:14.304
Again, because of that break in that first year or so of life.
00:24:14.304 --> 00:24:20.724
I read a really great quote, and I think it was in Gordon Neufeld's book, Hold On to Your Kids.
00:24:21.144 --> 00:24:25.484
But he talks about trust building. And he says, we don't build trust by offering
00:24:25.484 --> 00:24:28.204
help. We build trust by asking for help.
00:24:28.544 --> 00:24:33.844
And so when parents just give all of the help, it feels like we're building a connection.
00:24:33.844 --> 00:24:36.764
Yeah but it's actually that trust is
00:24:36.764 --> 00:24:39.524
actually built when kids have opportunities to come
00:24:39.524 --> 00:24:42.664
and ask for help i need my needs taken
00:24:42.664 --> 00:24:47.584
care of asking for all those things i can't figure out my problem do you have
00:24:47.584 --> 00:24:52.464
some advice for me and that when trust gets built again sounds backwards right
00:24:52.464 --> 00:24:58.684
yeah the more let our kids be themselves and they feel that full acceptance
00:24:58.684 --> 00:25:01.524
we love them no matter what they're going to decide to do,
00:25:01.724 --> 00:25:04.784
it gives those opportunities for them to then.
00:25:05.684 --> 00:25:09.844
Build that trust from their end, which is where often it needs to start.
00:25:10.204 --> 00:25:13.444
Yeah, for sure. And sometimes kids come and ask us to do things that we know
00:25:13.444 --> 00:25:14.604
they're capable of doing.
00:25:15.364 --> 00:25:19.904
Absolutely. So an incredible amount of effort to having someone else do the work.
00:25:20.584 --> 00:25:26.324
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And so passing those tests every time, but not with,
00:25:26.804 --> 00:25:31.484
oh, you know how to do that. But it's saying no to something by saying yes to something else.
00:25:31.604 --> 00:25:34.104
So yes, I sure will help you just as soon as...
00:25:35.033 --> 00:25:39.253
And I would love to say, absolutely, I'll help you. I will give you as much time as you need.
00:25:40.133 --> 00:25:45.313
Absolutely. I will sit right here and hang out with you while you figure it out.
00:25:45.813 --> 00:25:51.013
Yeah. So you're still there. And often they're coming to ask because it's that
00:25:51.013 --> 00:25:54.173
I need to be in your face so you don't forget I exist behavior.
00:25:54.493 --> 00:25:57.133
Asking, can you do this for me? Can you fix this thing I already know?
00:25:57.173 --> 00:26:00.573
Is often just, how do I get this person to stay?
00:26:01.253 --> 00:26:04.893
Stay. How do I get them to act with me? And so when you're like,
00:26:04.953 --> 00:26:07.353
hey, you can have all the time you need. Hey, I'll sit right here.
00:26:07.513 --> 00:26:09.673
Hey, try it this many times and let's see what happens.
00:26:10.253 --> 00:26:14.693
It fills that need for the connection relationship that they have.
00:26:15.093 --> 00:26:18.913
And often the actual thing they're working on is not to think of importance.
00:26:19.533 --> 00:26:24.453
Yeah, for sure. Exactly. Can you give us some examples of kids that you've worked with?
00:26:24.613 --> 00:26:28.373
Like maybe a parent comes to you, give us an idea of a really tough behavior
00:26:28.373 --> 00:26:31.093
situation that they needed help with.
00:26:31.173 --> 00:26:35.093
I worked with a little guy last year. I think he was five at the time.
00:26:35.753 --> 00:26:38.413
And I had talked with his parents. We did a few consultations.
00:26:39.013 --> 00:26:42.253
And they were telling me, like, all of the behaviors.
00:26:42.473 --> 00:26:46.893
And the biggest, most recent one was that he had killed one of their pets.
00:26:47.213 --> 00:26:50.993
And this little tiny guy. And the parents kept saying, but he has attachment.
00:26:51.813 --> 00:26:56.173
He's attached to me because he always wants to be with me. And he always is
00:26:56.173 --> 00:26:57.953
close by. They took it as attachment.
00:26:58.573 --> 00:27:02.293
And so when I worked with them, I had him with me. He was going to work on a
00:27:02.293 --> 00:27:05.913
project. and the parents are going to go, I don't know, paperwork or a meeting or something.
00:27:06.883 --> 00:27:11.303
And there were glass doors in the building where we were.
00:27:11.443 --> 00:27:16.583
And so I had to physically pry him off his parent and had him with me.
00:27:16.763 --> 00:27:20.963
And the parents walked out and he was like screaming bloody murder.
00:27:21.403 --> 00:27:25.603
And as soon as he could no longer see them out the window, they turned the corner, it stopped.
00:27:26.263 --> 00:27:29.523
And the parents were gone for maybe 15 minutes.
00:27:29.663 --> 00:27:32.883
And they told me before, they're like, there's no way he can be away from us
00:27:32.883 --> 00:27:36.803
for that long because he's really attached and he's really anxious. separation anxiety.
00:27:37.788 --> 00:27:40.808
He never asked, when is my parent coming back?
00:27:41.308 --> 00:27:44.928
Where are they? How can I see them? The only thing he would say was,
00:27:45.128 --> 00:27:47.208
I have to tell my mom something.
00:27:47.808 --> 00:27:51.808
It was a very much, I've got to be in control of what's going on.
00:27:52.308 --> 00:27:56.728
And so when I was able to explain this to parents, because they were like heartbroken.
00:27:56.888 --> 00:28:01.368
Our little guy is there. He's sobbing. He's so upset. He misses us. I was like, he doesn't.
00:28:01.628 --> 00:28:05.628
And it is the hardest part of my job. One of the hardest parts to tell parents
00:28:05.628 --> 00:28:07.048
your child doesn't care about you.
00:28:07.308 --> 00:28:11.908
Yeah. There's no attachment. And it's all about that need for control,
00:28:12.068 --> 00:28:13.868
the need for safety, the need for survival.
00:28:14.448 --> 00:28:18.688
But so often then I explain the situation to parents and they're able to step
00:28:18.688 --> 00:28:21.268
back. I'm like, leave all your emotions behind.
00:28:21.688 --> 00:28:27.688
It's your heart that has the separation anxiety. That's not your job.
00:28:28.408 --> 00:28:32.888
Oh, yeah. Back then they were like, oh, you know what? He does do that.
00:28:33.128 --> 00:28:36.948
Oh, so when he does this, it's about control, not connection.
00:28:37.748 --> 00:28:41.948
And I think when that's a common one, when I work with families who have birth
00:28:41.948 --> 00:28:47.528
kids, because it's not a loss of a primary caregiver through adoption or foster
00:28:47.528 --> 00:28:48.908
care or something like that.
00:28:49.128 --> 00:28:54.088
Yeah. So I think when there's that recognition, parents become more open or
00:28:54.088 --> 00:28:57.168
more able to be like, OK, what do we do about this?
00:28:57.588 --> 00:29:02.328
Now we have a problem. What's our solution? And how hard as a parent,
00:29:02.508 --> 00:29:06.328
whether you're a birth parent or an adoptive parent, to hear,
00:29:06.608 --> 00:29:08.748
I can just hear the listeners right now.
00:29:08.948 --> 00:29:14.668
Again, if you don't know, you don't know. I know. And to hear your child doesn't care.
00:29:15.634 --> 00:29:20.694
When that is exactly what, I mean, we're so caring and we're pouring everything
00:29:20.694 --> 00:29:24.474
into this child and it's not intentional. I want you to hear that.
00:29:24.594 --> 00:29:26.974
It's not intentional that your child doesn't care.
00:29:27.214 --> 00:29:30.954
What advice do you give to a parent that, like in that, to those parents,
00:29:31.054 --> 00:29:33.634
what did you say to them then that they should do the next time they drop them
00:29:33.634 --> 00:29:39.194
off somewhere or change their plans to not go somewhere because they can't leave
00:29:39.194 --> 00:29:41.954
their kiddo? Yeah, luckily, we're at a week-long family camp.
00:29:42.034 --> 00:29:47.474
So we had an entire week where there were opportunities for them to practice letting go.
00:29:47.794 --> 00:29:51.034
And I told them, it's practicing you guys letting go.
00:29:51.714 --> 00:29:55.234
You've got to realize that your child is okay. And so in that situation,
00:29:55.254 --> 00:29:56.934
I was able to take pictures.
00:29:57.454 --> 00:30:02.094
Like, he left the building screaming and crying, Mom, if you loved me, you wouldn't make me go.
00:30:02.214 --> 00:30:08.034
Like, all the stuff. And as soon as parents were no longer in sight or within earshot, it stopped.
00:30:08.714 --> 00:30:11.994
And so I'd be able to take a picture of their little guy calmly doing a brain
00:30:11.994 --> 00:30:14.074
shifter and being like, here's what's going on.
00:30:14.454 --> 00:30:17.574
They were like, oh, he's OK. He's good.
00:30:17.854 --> 00:30:22.474
Yeah. And I think it's also the understanding of why your child is doing this.
00:30:22.654 --> 00:30:24.014
Like, you have to have that.
00:30:24.334 --> 00:30:28.534
And so I have to tell parents, like, you love your child so much.
00:30:29.272 --> 00:30:33.292
That's not the problem. You loving your child enough is not the problem.
00:30:33.312 --> 00:30:35.872
It's your child capacity to take that in.
00:30:36.252 --> 00:30:39.432
And so I often say like trauma and attachment disorders build a wall.
00:30:39.632 --> 00:30:41.492
And this kid is, I am in a battlefield.
00:30:41.812 --> 00:30:46.292
Everything is scary. I've got to survive. So let me build this really big, really thick wall.
00:30:46.492 --> 00:30:51.032
And so you can throw all the love you want at the wall. It's not going through.
00:30:51.672 --> 00:30:56.212
Yeah. And when you recognize why your child isn't feeling your love and that
00:30:56.212 --> 00:31:00.892
you've got to find techniques that build ladders over the wall and that help
00:31:00.892 --> 00:31:05.452
your child dismantle that wall from the inside out, that's when we start to be effective.
00:31:06.052 --> 00:31:10.192
So, yeah, it's just that change in mindset. I love that you mentioned that,
00:31:10.292 --> 00:31:13.832
though, because we all know about unconditionally loving our kids.
00:31:14.032 --> 00:31:17.912
Definitely unconditionally love them. However, the root for these kiddos,
00:31:18.032 --> 00:31:21.632
until they actually learn to take in the love and reciprocate it,
00:31:21.712 --> 00:31:22.872
the root is safety. Right.
00:31:23.673 --> 00:31:27.573
In their lens, it's just about providing safety. It's not about pouring on more
00:31:27.573 --> 00:31:29.993
love. You will be rejected to your core.
00:31:30.233 --> 00:31:35.073
It's just not going to work. So we need to see their control often as a need for safety.
00:31:35.353 --> 00:31:39.293
And once we know and we can be that confident leader for our kids and we can
00:31:39.293 --> 00:31:43.233
understand that educationally and take out some of that emotion,
00:31:43.433 --> 00:31:44.653
then things start to go better.
00:31:44.653 --> 00:31:49.813
Their behaviors don't always get better, but you are better and you're parenting
00:31:49.813 --> 00:31:55.553
from this knowledge standpoint versus I'm being rejected for me.
00:31:55.853 --> 00:31:58.913
I've got to deal with your loss of dreams. Make sure you're talking to somebody
00:31:58.913 --> 00:32:02.213
about all those hopes and dreams you had for this child that you brought into
00:32:02.213 --> 00:32:03.453
the world or that you adopted.
00:32:03.873 --> 00:32:07.233
And make sure you're taking care of that, because if you're not,
00:32:07.473 --> 00:32:08.953
you will consistently get pulled
00:32:08.953 --> 00:32:13.653
into the trauma or the disorder and your child will suffer from that.
00:32:13.653 --> 00:32:18.113
I always tell parents, like, you've got to be your best therapeutic self,
00:32:18.253 --> 00:32:22.453
which means you take yourself out of the equation emotionally.
00:32:22.913 --> 00:32:28.993
Probably 80% of the time at least, and you've got to bring that safety in.
00:32:29.213 --> 00:32:32.133
Safety first. You've got to have safety first.
00:32:32.273 --> 00:32:35.673
Physical, mindful, and emotional safety. yeah and for
00:32:35.673 --> 00:32:38.913
the beginning of the healing process that is
00:32:38.913 --> 00:32:41.593
how your child will feel love they're not going
00:32:41.593 --> 00:32:44.653
to feel the mushy caring nurturing love
00:32:44.653 --> 00:32:49.493
that you do with all your other kids they need the safety and that it's scary
00:32:49.493 --> 00:32:56.613
for them yeah yeah the actual traditional comforting mushy gushy soft feeling
00:32:56.613 --> 00:33:01.713
love all that it's like fingernails on a chalkboard for them They get the heebie-jeebies.
00:33:02.033 --> 00:33:06.013
And there is, for many of these kids, a really deep-rooted fear in that because
00:33:06.013 --> 00:33:09.353
if they were rejected, even though it might not have been your fault,
00:33:09.993 --> 00:33:13.313
rejected, had medical pain, et cetera, et cetera, when they were infants,
00:33:13.573 --> 00:33:17.433
they feel that rejection and they're scared to test the waters again.
00:33:18.281 --> 00:33:21.741
They don't, you know, and I was, I tell this to a lot of families.
00:33:21.981 --> 00:33:26.021
A couple summers ago, I was driving and there was road construction here.
00:33:26.401 --> 00:33:32.661
And a truck drove past like a big semi and a rock hit my windshield. Eye level.
00:33:33.121 --> 00:33:35.941
And like a good sized crack in there.
00:33:36.381 --> 00:33:42.121
And for the next, I can't remember how many months, completely involuntarily,
00:33:42.401 --> 00:33:46.381
every time a semi was coming towards me, my body would do this.
00:33:46.941 --> 00:33:49.681
Like just drink in and my eyes are closed i'm like
00:33:49.681 --> 00:33:52.561
i can't do that while i'm driving yeah it's a
00:33:52.561 --> 00:33:55.321
one time one rock and every time
00:33:55.321 --> 00:34:00.681
my body was like something's gonna happen and so i'm gonna prepare and that's
00:34:00.681 --> 00:34:03.741
how our kids are they're like something really scary to happen i am constantly
00:34:03.741 --> 00:34:09.241
going to be prepared for that to happen again and it took months until my body
00:34:09.241 --> 00:34:14.741
stopped having that reaction and that's one little thing nothing terrible happened i was fine Yeah.
00:34:15.001 --> 00:34:18.721
Windshield didn't crack. I didn't lose control of the car. Like, I was fine.
00:34:19.441 --> 00:34:24.201
Yep. And like our kids have this big, deep, traumatic reaction to something
00:34:24.201 --> 00:34:27.521
that happened and it's their automatic reaction they have.
00:34:27.621 --> 00:34:30.621
I'm going to push that love away because that is something that is going to
00:34:30.621 --> 00:34:32.581
hurt me. And I don't want to do that again.
00:34:34.026 --> 00:34:38.186
But you mentioned something about healing beginning. And so I've seen it.
00:34:38.306 --> 00:34:41.206
I know you have seen it over and over. Healing can happen.
00:34:41.406 --> 00:34:44.846
Family relationships can improve. What would you say?
00:34:45.326 --> 00:34:51.346
And there is hope. I tell them that healing is not going to look like what they want it to look like.
00:34:51.606 --> 00:34:57.866
Like, that's like the very rare unicorn situation, right? So let go of all of your expectations.
00:34:59.106 --> 00:35:04.906
Your healed, healthy child is not going to be all of these big expectations that you have.
00:35:05.026 --> 00:35:08.786
Like, they're your close best friend, that you have a great relationship,
00:35:08.786 --> 00:35:11.706
that there's no negative behaviors. We have all these things.
00:35:12.246 --> 00:35:15.306
Yeah. And it's healing for your child.
00:35:15.706 --> 00:35:23.106
I always say is two things. So it's the child's ability to have a relationship with you as a parent,
00:35:23.306 --> 00:35:30.306
like a real actual relationship and the ability for their trauma to no longer
00:35:30.306 --> 00:35:33.746
be the kind of the biggest factor in their life.
00:35:33.746 --> 00:35:39.026
It no longer controls them and dictates their entire mode of living.
00:35:40.126 --> 00:35:42.986
So what that looks like is different for every kid.
00:35:43.386 --> 00:35:46.466
What type of relationship that is going to be is different for everyone.
00:35:46.626 --> 00:35:50.346
And like you said, for a lot of kids, that comes way later.
00:35:50.666 --> 00:35:54.006
It doesn't happen when they're 9 or 10 or 15. It's when they're in their 20s
00:35:54.006 --> 00:35:55.206
and they're not at home anymore.
00:35:56.186 --> 00:36:00.486
Okay, now I've got to figure this out. And how do I repair it and how do I come
00:36:00.486 --> 00:36:03.026
back to having a relationship with my family?
00:36:03.779 --> 00:36:09.299
Yeah, there's no timeline. There's no template of this is what healing is.
00:36:09.479 --> 00:36:11.739
I think it's so individualized.
00:36:12.219 --> 00:36:17.339
And when kids can recognize that, it's easier to find kind of success in the
00:36:17.339 --> 00:36:18.499
little things that happen.
00:36:19.319 --> 00:36:24.739
My kid and I could go out for coffee together and we chatted about nothing.
00:36:24.739 --> 00:36:27.599
It doesn't have to be deep and heartfelt, but we could be together.
00:36:28.519 --> 00:36:33.159
Yeah. Yeah. I was look for the little things. I was just going to say that sometimes
00:36:33.159 --> 00:36:34.399
it's a little list of things.
00:36:34.819 --> 00:36:38.419
Awesome. Sometimes we are doing the best that we can and we need a little bit
00:36:38.419 --> 00:36:41.579
of help. You have an event coming up here in May.
00:36:41.939 --> 00:36:44.779
Tell us about it. Who's it for? What are parents going to learn?
00:36:45.579 --> 00:36:49.999
Yeah, it's one of our therapeutic parenting courses. And my goal when putting
00:36:49.999 --> 00:36:53.079
it together was practical hands-on information.
00:36:53.519 --> 00:36:58.599
Because I had been to so many trainings and events and read all the books and
00:36:58.599 --> 00:37:00.739
the courses. And it's always a lot of theory.
00:37:01.019 --> 00:37:04.539
And it always sounds good until you go home and you're like,
00:37:05.327 --> 00:37:10.787
This does not work. Yeah. And so it's based on my years of being in family's
00:37:10.787 --> 00:37:14.687
homes, being like, okay, this technique sounds great in theory,
00:37:14.927 --> 00:37:18.087
but it does not practically work in the family's home.
00:37:18.287 --> 00:37:23.207
So the whole course goes through, it starts off with better understanding of
00:37:23.207 --> 00:37:27.187
trauma and attachment disorders and symptoms and behaviors and risk factors
00:37:27.187 --> 00:37:30.847
and effects on the brain and the first year of life cycle and all that good stuff.
00:37:31.467 --> 00:37:34.927
Then it goes into safety first. Oh, I love that. It's a little safety.
00:37:35.127 --> 00:37:36.787
Yeah. You've got to have the safety plans.
00:37:37.067 --> 00:37:41.047
It covers safety for everyone, not just your child with a trauma and attachment
00:37:41.047 --> 00:37:45.527
disorder, but parents and siblings and pets and everybody. Everyone's got to be.
00:37:46.147 --> 00:37:50.387
And then to that felt or deep safety. And how do we build that?
00:37:50.607 --> 00:37:54.727
Because it's got to be the foundation for everything else to have a chance of working.
00:37:55.487 --> 00:38:01.967
Then we cover intentional nurturing. And it's just a very intense type of nurturing.
00:38:02.167 --> 00:38:08.527
Like how do we intentionally take all these little moments and really facilitate
00:38:08.527 --> 00:38:12.727
the opportunities for the parent-child bond? Then we do therapeutic interventions.
00:38:12.927 --> 00:38:17.487
So how do you therapeutically deal with all of the behaviors a child has?
00:38:17.607 --> 00:38:20.547
How do you keep connection and regulation as part of that?
00:38:21.027 --> 00:38:24.167
Talk about those units of concern. and how do you get your child to care the
00:38:24.167 --> 00:38:26.767
most about the behavior so they can change them.
00:38:27.307 --> 00:38:32.647
Then we talk about playtime and how beneficial it is for healing and development
00:38:32.647 --> 00:38:35.687
and growth and how to use it therapeutically.
00:38:35.867 --> 00:38:40.567
So we talk about individual playtime and then also family playtime so that families
00:38:40.567 --> 00:38:42.547
get to have fun together.
00:38:42.787 --> 00:38:46.207
Because like you said, there's often so many no's. It's how do we bring in those
00:38:46.207 --> 00:38:48.647
positives? How do we get that back in?
00:38:49.187 --> 00:38:53.987
We talk about chores and work. Why is it so beneficial for kids to contribute
00:38:53.987 --> 00:38:55.427
to the family in those ways?
00:38:55.807 --> 00:38:59.967
And then practically, what does that look like? How do you get your kids to do their chores?
00:39:00.447 --> 00:39:02.647
Yeah, good. What chores should they be doing?
00:39:03.707 --> 00:39:09.187
We cover structure and routine, helping families get like a set structure in
00:39:09.187 --> 00:39:10.867
place. What is their day going to look like?
00:39:11.167 --> 00:39:14.967
And then all those little routines, because the more structure and routines
00:39:14.967 --> 00:39:18.127
we have, the more felt safety we typically have in our homes.
00:39:18.547 --> 00:39:24.747
And when parenting kids with big behaviors, parents often have depression, anxiety, PTSD.
00:39:25.307 --> 00:39:31.707
And those structures and routines just make parenting a whole lot easier to manage for everybody.
00:39:32.647 --> 00:39:38.307
Then we talk about respectful, responsible, and fun to be around.
00:39:38.507 --> 00:39:40.587
So the goals we have for our kids.
00:39:40.887 --> 00:39:44.907
And then we talk about goal setting and how we can help our kids to make goals
00:39:44.907 --> 00:39:49.607
to help them view the future more positively, to be able to have the motivation
00:39:49.607 --> 00:39:53.207
to work on goals and have all these feelings of success.
00:39:53.407 --> 00:39:56.767
And then our last session is self-care for parents.
00:39:57.247 --> 00:40:01.967
And I always tell parents it is the most important session, but we do it last.
00:40:02.287 --> 00:40:03.447
Otherwise, nobody listens.
00:40:04.527 --> 00:40:08.207
And it's so true because we're going there to fix our kid. We want the help
00:40:08.207 --> 00:40:09.807
for our kid. We want the help for our kid.
00:40:10.087 --> 00:40:13.727
So don't tell me. And it's like, hey, kids are self, but what do I do with my
00:40:13.727 --> 00:40:16.047
child? So I put it at the end.
00:40:16.567 --> 00:40:21.527
Parents have had an opportunity to feel more empowered, to be able to implement things in their homes.
00:40:21.707 --> 00:40:24.907
And then they're like, okay, I've dampened the fire.
00:40:25.527 --> 00:40:32.827
Now how do I take care of myself? Self-care is not like the fluffy go out for the day and go to the spa.
00:40:33.047 --> 00:40:37.527
It's like how do I actually create an environment where my physical,
00:40:37.687 --> 00:40:42.087
emotional, and mental health is taken care of and go through all the different
00:40:42.087 --> 00:40:43.867
little things parents can do.
00:40:45.073 --> 00:40:48.753
And I go throughout the course, like in each technique that I teach or each
00:40:48.753 --> 00:40:51.953
session, I talk about a whole bunch of different things.
00:40:52.113 --> 00:40:55.333
And it's, okay, here's playtime. Here's five different playtimes.
00:40:55.653 --> 00:40:58.453
I want you to find what works for your family.
00:40:59.173 --> 00:41:02.973
This little piece here. This little piece here. This technique for this child.
00:41:03.133 --> 00:41:06.173
This other technique for this other child. This technique this week.
00:41:06.353 --> 00:41:07.633
That technique next week.
00:41:08.093 --> 00:41:14.093
Yeah. It's you've got to find what works for you. And I always say therapeutic parenting is,
00:41:14.744 --> 00:41:19.964
it's got to be a lifestyle. To be the most effective, it is just how your family is.
00:41:20.164 --> 00:41:23.864
And to be able to have a new lifestyle, you've got to have the practical,
00:41:24.044 --> 00:41:27.564
hands-on, individualized, here's what we do.
00:41:27.784 --> 00:41:32.964
So that, in a nutshell, is what we cover in our upcoming parenting course. And it's how many weeks?
00:41:34.044 --> 00:41:39.684
It's nine sessions over four and a half weeks. So we do a monthly two evenings a week.
00:41:40.164 --> 00:41:42.204
Okay. So good. And it's virtual?
00:41:42.824 --> 00:41:47.144
It's virtual, yeah. And we do, there's the live sessions, and then we also have
00:41:47.144 --> 00:41:50.324
every session is recorded and then made available to families.
00:41:50.604 --> 00:41:52.604
Go to theradishranch.org.
00:41:53.164 --> 00:41:56.624
It's on the homepage right now when registration is open.
00:41:56.784 --> 00:41:59.984
So if you're missing the mark by the time you listen to this episode,
00:41:59.984 --> 00:42:04.504
you can still go back and catch one of Karen's other trainings that she'll have
00:42:04.504 --> 00:42:06.764
coming up. You do them periodically.
00:42:06.984 --> 00:42:11.144
And if nothing else, they can reach out to you and just book a time with you
00:42:11.144 --> 00:42:14.304
to be able to say, hey, here's our family situation, what do you suggest?
00:42:14.744 --> 00:42:18.184
So if you're out there, parents, and finding that nothing's working for you,
00:42:18.304 --> 00:42:23.064
and the same old advice is starting to annoy you and make you really crabby
00:42:23.064 --> 00:42:25.284
and feel defeated, reach out to Karen.
00:42:25.444 --> 00:42:29.004
She is going to, she's going to help you. She's going to tailor it to your home.
00:42:29.564 --> 00:42:32.604
And parents, if this episode encouraged you to share it with somebody else who
00:42:32.604 --> 00:42:38.444
might need to hear it today, be sure to connect with Karen, info at theradishranch.org
00:42:38.444 --> 00:42:42.744
If you want to send her a quick email until next time, fewer words,
00:42:43.524 --> 00:42:46.984
slower pace, matter of factly, parents lead on.
00:42:48.044 --> 00:42:53.384
Hey, parents, if this episode shifted how you see your child's behavior or yourself, take the next step.
00:42:53.664 --> 00:42:58.204
You'll find practical tools and support at noproblemparents.com to help you
00:42:58.204 --> 00:43:00.064
lead with clarity and confidence.
00:43:00.324 --> 00:43:04.324
Less reacting, more leadership. That's no problem parenting.