How to Respond When Your Child Tests Boundaries and Pushes Back

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Your child may not respond the way you want right away. And that does not mean you failed.
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It also does not automatically mean that your child is being defiant or manipulative
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or trying to push your buttons.
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It means your child is responding the best way they know how in that moment.
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They might be testing. They might be stuck. They might not have the words for what they need.
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And they might be digging in their heels because they don't see another option.
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As the parent, that's not something to take personally. That's information.
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And leadership starts with how you respond to that information.
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Welcome to the No Problem Parenting podcast, where we help parents lead with
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confidence, clarity, and steadiness. especially when kids push back.
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This podcast is for parents who are doing real life with real kids.
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No perfection, no pretending, just practical leadership that works in real homes.
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So let's talk about something that I hear almost every week,
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or especially when parents first come to me.
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A parent will say, I tried this, I tried that, I tried everything, and it didn't work.
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And I don't argue with that. I don't reassure them, and I don't talk them out of how it felt.
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I just ask a few more questions, and what I usually discover is this.
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The child still argued. The child still refused.
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The child still had an attitude.
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The child didn't know how to move forward without losing their ground when the
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parent did whatever they did, when they tried whatever they tried.
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So when a parent says, it didn't work, what they're really is saying is,
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the behavior didn't stop yet.
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And that distinction matters because a steady response is not meant to control your child.
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It's meant to help you stay clear and steady long enough to figure out what
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your child actually needs or what's actually going on.
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Seek first to understand step one of no problem parenting. So we want to figure
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out what your child actually needs without giving up your role as the leader.
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And this is where a lot of parents get discouraged. They think,
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Like, oh, if I didn't stop the behavior, then I either did it wrong or it just doesn't work.
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But the goal is never immediate compliance. The goal is leadership,
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and leadership means that you don't get pulled into the struggle.
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You don't fuel the argument. You don't add emotion that escalates the situation.
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You don't turn your home into a courtroom where everyone is defending themselves.
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And you don't turn it into a carnival where big reactions get big attention.
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You stay steady while the situation is still active, and that's passing the test.
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Passing the test as a parent does not mean that your child passed. It means you did.
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It means you stayed in your role even when your child couldn't.
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It means you didn't argue when your child wanted engagement.
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It means you didn't rescue when your child wanted relief without responsibility.
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And that doesn't mean you're ignoring your child. It means you're leading them. You're guiding them.
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Here's the important balance that I want parents to hear really clearly.
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You do not have to choose between understanding your child and leading your child.
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You lead so that you can understand. You hold structure so behavior doesn't run the home.
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And once things settle, you look underneath with curiosity and clarity.
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That's confident parenting. Not reaction, not guessing, not rescuing.
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Now, of course, sometimes you're going to be reactionary because the muscle
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memory of your brain from your previous experiences or things that have stressed
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you out over the years kicks in.
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We talk about that in No Problem Parenting. What to do after you've overreacted
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or reacted in a way that you later regret or feel guilty or shameful for.
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But let's make this really practical.
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There are really only three things you can control as a parent.
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Not 10. Not everything. Just three. Your tone, your words, and your follow-through. That's it.
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You cannot control whether your child likes it. You cannot control whether they agree with you.
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You cannot control how fast they decide to cooperate.
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And when parents try to control all those things, they start explaining.
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Start defending. Start negotiating. And start chasing. And that's when parenting gets exhausting.
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So leadership sounds like I'm clear.
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I mean what I say, not in a defensive, powerful way, in a very factual, conditional way.
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Clear way. I mean what I say, I'm clear.
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My child knows the expectations and they know I'll follow through.
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Now, let's talk about something that helps parents to stay steady. The status quo.
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Status quo means life keeps moving. You don't stop the day because a child refuses.
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You don't cancel everything until the behavior improves.
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You don't revolve the family around one moment of pushback. You keep expectations
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steady and you remove extras that don't fit when responsibilities aren't being handled.
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You don't remove these extras out of punishment or because of anger or as a
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consequence theater, right? Just this is how our home works.
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Privileges and extras do not stack on top of refusal.
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They come after responsibility.
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That's not harsh. That's clear. And kids actually feel safer.
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They trust you more when leadership stays predictable.
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So let me give you a real example. You say chores happen before you go.
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So if the child's going to a sport, going to a fun extracurricular activity,
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going to the park, playing outside, whatever it is, chores happen before you go.
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Now, sometimes our kids will say, you can't make me. or I don't want to,
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or I'm not going to, or they just exit stage left and don't respond at all.
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Now, at this point, your child might be testing. They might be frustrated.
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They also might be overwhelmed.
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Maybe they've had a really long day at school.
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They might not know how to get started. They might not feel like it.
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You don't need to diagnose that yet. You just need to lead. You can continue
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to say broken record. Chores happen before you go.
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And your kiddo might say something like, you're so unfair.
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You can say, yeah, I hear you. And chores happen before you go.
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Or you could say, I bet it feels that way.
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Chores happen before you go. That's it.
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Really matter of fact. No lecture, no convincing, no escalation.
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You're not trying to win the moment.
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You're creating a space for the child to figure it out. What's their next move?
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They'll figure it out inside of your clear leadership.
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Parents will often say to me, well, but they're still upset. They threw a fit.
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They had a meltdown. Some kids, fits are fits, and they, you know, last a few minutes.
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Some kids, it can last up to two hours.
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I'll help you in step two, prepare for the worst.
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If you have a kiddo that melts down, rages, completely loses it,
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and those tantrums or those episodes last for more than two hours, get in touch with me.
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I'm going to help you figure out how to not only survive that,
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how to prepare for that so that you don't get caught up in it.
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So if your kiddo is still upset, but yeah, they might be.
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Disappointment does not mean damaged, and frustration does not mean you need to fix it.
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When you stay matter-of-fact, you're teaching something much bigger than chores or screens.
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You're teaching your child, hmm, my parent doesn't panic.
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My parents' leadership is reliable. I can handle discomfort.
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And that's what changes behavior over time. This is also the moment when parents
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start doubting themselves.
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They think, I stayed steady, and it still didn't work. My kids still melted
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down. My kids still refused.
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Let me be really clear. If you stayed matter-of-fact and didn't get hooked,
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it worked. even if the behavior continued.
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Behavior often gets louder before it gets clearer, and that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
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It means the old pattern is losing its grip, and your steadiness is teaching
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the nervous system of the home that leadership is dependable.
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Kids don't change because of one conversation. They change because the environment
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stays consistent. They change because arguments stop working.
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They change because responsibility isn't rescued.
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And parents don't change because they become stricter. You change because you
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become clearer and less reactive.
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And that's what passing the test as a parent really means.
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Again, passing the test does not mean your child passed, right?
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It doesn't mean their behavior automatically changed. It means you stayed in
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your role, and that is truly what matters.
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So if you want a quick reference for what to say when these moments show up,
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you're going to find it in the show notes.
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And if you want support that helps you prepare before moments like this happen,
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well, that's what we talk about in The Nest.
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That's what we talk in our DIY Becoming a No Problem Parent training.
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All the resources can be found at noproblemparents.com. This is the No Problem
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Parenting Podcast, a place for parents who care and are allowed to learn in real time.
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No fixing, no fluff, just steady leadership for real kids and real homes.
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We can help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be.
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Thanks again for listening today. See you next time.