When Being Picked Becomes The Trap

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Have you ever looked at a relationship from the outside and thought, who exactly are you trying to convince that you're happy?
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Because sometimes I think they confuse being in a relationship with being fulfilled in one.
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And those are two completely different things.
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There are women who will tell you over and over again how happy they are, how amazing their man is, how lucky they are to have somebody, but then you actually listen to what they're saying.
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She doesn't go anywhere anymore because he doesn't like going out.
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She stopped dressing a certain way because he doesn't like it.
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She doesn't see her friends as much because he gets annoyed.
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She doesn't ask for what she needs because she doesn't want to argue.
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She's constantly adjusting herself around his mood, his preferences, his schedule, his comfort.
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And somehow, after giving up all these little pieces of herself, she's still trying to convince everybody else that she won.
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And that's the part I want to talk about today because sometimes being chosen becomes a competition.
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Especially between women.
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And when that happens, the question stops being, am I happy with this man?
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And becomes, do other women think I'm winning because I have him?
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And those are very different questions.
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I'm your host, Carmen Ramos, and you're listening to My Chic Intuition.
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I started thinking about how often women are taught to see relationships as an accomplishment.
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Think about it.
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When you're single, people ask, When are you going to find somebody?
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You're still single?
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Are you dating anyone?
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But when you're in a relationship, suddenly there's this assumption that you've graduated into something.
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You did it.
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Somebody picked you.
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And I think for some women, that feeling becomes intoxicating.
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And not necessarily the relationship itself, the status of the relationship.
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Being able to say, my boyfriend, my husband, my man.
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Being the woman who has somebody.
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And when your self-worth gets attached to that status, leaving a relationship doesn't just feel like losing a person.
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It can feel like losing your position.
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And that's when things can get complicated.
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Because now you're not only trying to keep that relationship, you're trying to protect the image of the relationship.
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Maybe you've seen this woman.
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Maybe you've been this woman.
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Honestly, maybe most of us have been some version of her at some point.
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She starts dating someone, and slowly her entire life starts reorganizing itself around him.
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At first, the compromises seem small.
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She loves traveling, he doesn't.
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So they don't travel.
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She loves getting dressed up and trying new restaurants.
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He would rather stay home.
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So they stay home.
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She used to have girls' night.
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He thinks her friends are too much.
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So she sees them less.
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She wants affection.
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He's not really affectionate.
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She wants dates.
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He just is a date night person.
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She wants deeper conversations.
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He doesn't communicate like that.
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And suddenly every unmet need has an explanation attached to it.
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And here's what I find interesting.
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She's doing all of the understanding.
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She's doing all the compromising.
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She's doing all of the adjusting.
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At some point you have to ask, where does she go?
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Because relationship requires compromise.
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Of course they do.
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You're bringing two entire human beings together.
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You're not going to want the same thing every second of every day.
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But compromise is supposed to move in both directions.
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And I think sometimes women call self-abandonment being a good girlfriend.
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Because that sounds much prettier than admitting.
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I've made myself smaller to keep this relationship comfortable.
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And then something else happens.
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She sees another woman who hasn't done that.
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Maybe that woman is single.
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Maybe she's dating.
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Maybe she's traveling.
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Maybe she's going out.
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Maybe she's pursuing her career.
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Maybe she's saying no to men who don't meet her standards.
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Maybe she's just living her life.
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And instead of thinking, wow, she looks happy, some suddenly it's well, at least I have a man.
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Okay, but are you happy with him?
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Because having a relationship isn't automatically evidence of having a good relationship.
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And being single isn't evidence that someone couldn't get one.
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Sometimes a woman is single precisely because she refuses to accept the relationship you're telling her she should be jealous of.
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That's very different.
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I think that's where competition between women can become really interesting psychologically because sometimes we're not competing over the actual man, we're competing over what having the man represents.
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Being desirable, being chosen, being wanted, being ahead.
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And if you spend your entire life believing that being chosen by a man proves your value as a woman, another woman's confidence can feel threatening, especially if she doesn't seem desperate to be chosen.
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Because what happens when the woman you're comparing yourself to looks perfectly happy without the thing you've sacrificed so much of yourself to keep, that's uncomfortable because now she represents another possibility.
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Maybe having a relationship isn't the prize.
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Maybe having a life that actually feels good to you is.
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And listen, social media has made this a thousand times worse because now relationships have an audience.
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Flowers get photographed, anniversaries get posted, vacations become proof, and sometimes you can create an absolutely gorgeous relationship online while being deeply lonely inside of it.
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Nobody posts.
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Here's a beautiful dinner he took me to after ignoring my emotional needs for three weeks.
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Nobody posts, here's our anniversary picture.
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We argued in the car for an hour before taking it.
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Nobody posts, here's my boyfriend.
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I haven't felt like myself in two years.
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You see the photograph, you don't see the emotional reality, and that's why I'm becoming less impressed by the appearance of I want to know, do you feel safe being yourself?
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Can you say what you need?
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Can you disagree?
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Can you have your own life?
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Does this person actually like who you are?
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Do you still recognize yourself?
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Because those questions tell me much more about your relationship than matching pajamas at Christmas ever will.
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And there's another piece of this that I think we don't talk about enough.
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Sometimes a woman knows she's unhappy.
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Deep down, she knows.
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But she has spent years telling everyone how amazing her relationship is.
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She defended him, she made excuses for him, she told her friends they were jealous.
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Maybe she distanced herself from people who questioned the relationship.
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Maybe she compared herself to single women and made being partnered part of her identity.
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So now leaving would require something incredibly uncomfortable.
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She would have to admit, maybe this wasn't what I said it was.
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And for some people, protecting their ego becomes easier than changing their life.
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So they stay, they double down, they post harder, they defend harder, they compete harder.
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Because maintaining the illusion feels safer than facing the truth.
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But here's the thing: changing your mind isn't failure.
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Realizing something no longer works for you isn't embarrassing.
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And you don't get a trophy at the end of your life because you manage to keep a relationship together while slowly disappearing inside of it.
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I would much rather see a woman say, I thought this was what I wanted.
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It isn't anymore.
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Then spend another 10 years performing happiness because she doesn't want another woman to think she's lost.
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Who exactly are you competing with?
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The single woman?
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The married woman?
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The woman on Instagram?
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Your ex's new girlfriend?
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The woman at work?
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For what?
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There's no leaderboard.
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Nobody's keeping score.
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And if they are, then that's their problem.
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I think one of the most powerful questions a woman can ask herself in a relationship is if nobody could see this relationship, would I still want it?
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No Instagram, no family approval, no my man, no relationship status, no wedding pictures, no ability to prove anything to another woman, just you and him.
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Your ordinary Tuesday nights, your conversations, your sex life, your laughter, your disagreements, your emotional connection, your everyday reality.
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Would you still choose him?
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Because if the answer changes when nobody's watching, maybe what you're attached to isn't the relationship.
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Maybe you're attached to being seen as chosen.
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And I don't think being chosen is the ultimate goal.
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I think choosing yourself while loving someone else is.
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The right relationship shouldn't require you to disappear.
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It shouldn't turn other women into your competition.
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It shouldn't make you feel superior because somebody put a label on you.
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And it definitely shouldn't require you to put every one of your needs at the bottom of the list just so you can say you kept a man.
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Because keeping a man isn't the accomplishment.
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Keeping yourself while loving somebody, now that's something.
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And maybe that's today's cheek intuition.
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Don't become so committed to looking happy that you forget to ask yourself whether you actually are.