0112 I lost time for decades... then I learned why | Charlie’s trauma & DID

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I've had some horrific childhood, this abuse from uncle, and it's and I think I'm asexual because of the abuse that had happened.
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It takes years and years.
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You spend your entire life trying to undo the pain that you've experienced as a child that you never really understood as a child.
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Any little pain I have to double-check to make sure is this real pain or is this my DID pain?
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At what point did you start sharing it with people?
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Allow your friends to be that mirror for you sometimes because sometimes your close friends see things that you don't see.
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Do you find that different personalities have different sexual orientations and different genders as well?
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I would summon up Spider-Man, but those characters saved me, you know, mentally.
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What would you say has sort of taken precedence in terms of your self-identity?
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But I'm Charlie, I'm a black trans man.
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You know, I'm an elder, I'm 66 years old.
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How does the CPTSD sort of like take effect in your life?
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It's called self-love.
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It's what I do for myself.
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Yeah.
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Charlie, welcome to Multispector.
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I'm really, really excited to have you here on air with us today.
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How are we doing?
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I'm doing great.
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Thank you for the invite.
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I'm excited.
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Looking for the next hour to be uh some excitement.
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You know, we're about to unpack some pretty, pretty serious things, you know, that you've sort of experienced in your life.
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And I think that there's a lot of like marginalization, there's a lot of stigmatization that we kind of talk about.
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And yes, we are ways away from where we as a society used to be, but we haven't really fully come to understand um certain aspects of life.
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So I think sometimes it's really important that we give a voice to those that are or have been kind of stigmatized or marginalized in their own experience and journey to share their story and their experience just to humanize the the element of what's really happening, you know, and and kind of build that sort of empathy around it.
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So um perhaps you can begin with us from the very beginning, Charlie.
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Where does your journey begin?
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So I was born and raised in a very rural town.
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It's like 12 miles south of uh Charlottesville, Virginia.
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Um, so think about the African-American way of life.
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Everything, the hub was around the church.
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Everything you did was, you know, socialization, so forth.
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And here's this, you know, let's go back to eight.
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Here's this eight-year-old kid who um wants to dress like a boy.
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Um I've had some horrific childhood uh at the age of uh four and five.
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Let's just go back to four and five by a family member.
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Um very sick man.
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Uh he did it to he had a long range of people that he violated, me being one of them.
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And so here I am with that confusion going on, and not knowing how to say it.
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And then here I am trying to dress like a little boy and getting the whole opposition, the whole tug of war thing with having to suppose to look the way my gender assigned at birth was supposed to um match, and it's not matching.
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And so, as I've learned in my 60s, I'm 66 now, um, and what I learned fast forward about a year ago is that I suffer from uh DID associative identity disorder, and I also suffer from complex PTSD.
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Didn't have a clue all these years as to why I would check out every now and then, why things seemed extra hard, while there were some nights of nightmares.
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So once I got on board with uh uh psychologist, my psychologist, who I actually have known for about 15 years now, that saw me during a breakup, uh, and then we had a gap of 15 years that we weren't connected, and I tracked her down and I'm back to seeing her now.
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And she specializes in trauma therapy.
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Uh it's that I did discover the DID and um the whole complex PTSD.
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So it's it's been a rocky road.
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Um getting sober, I'm 20 years sober.
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Getting sober was one of the uh added pluses to the DID.
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I didn't have that substance abuse to have to try to medicate myself.
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Um once I got sober, I thought that was gonna be the end all be all.
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The answer.
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The end.
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Life's great, picket fence, whole nine yards.
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And uh that wasn't the case.
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That wasn't the case.
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So um, yeah, it's we're gonna unpack some serious stuff here, and I'm ready to unpack it.
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It's so hard to unravel and go and and completely heal from something like that.
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It takes years and years.
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You spend your entire life trying to undo the pain that you've experienced as a child that you never really understood as a child.
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Because you're not expected to understand anything as a child.
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So can you just delve a little bit more without going into too much detail, but just a little bit more for our listeners to understand what was what was the kind of childhood experience that you had that you think that kind of led to all the expected uh Yeah, sure.
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So my childhood was mixed.
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Um great parents.
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Great parents, uh, I'm the youngest of three, uh but I'm also the one who got this abuse from an uncle.
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Um and one of the biggest things that I had to work with within a men's uh or a discussion with my mother was that you know, she was aware of this man's ammo.
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You know, he did it to the daughter.
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My guess, my mother grew up with him because she was raised by her grandparents, and this was her uncle, this was my great uncle.
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Um, I often have to wonder, did he do the same thing to her?
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So it's that generational thing.
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And then here I am.
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Uh, you know, I made my first suicide attempt at 12.
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So it's five, five, four, and five.
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I'm seeing things, uh and I don't know until now what those things were.
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I was seeing things and and had these characters that when I was abused, I could go off and look and see them.
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I remember seeing these characters, and what what I figured out now was that I was disassociating, but those characters saved me, you know, mentally.
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You know, I wondered if I hadn't had the abuse, if I, you know, would I have been an alcoholic?
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If I hadn't had the abuse, would I have transitioned from male to female?
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You know, so it's these different Fs.
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But I have to learn that, you know, in working through therapy is that there's, you know, let the Fs go.
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Um, I just and I that's something very hard to work on because every now and then I boomerang back to would life have been different without the abuse.
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Um I do a lot of a lot of activism and advocacy for the for especially for the black trans and the BIPOP trans community.
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And um what I'm finding is so much abuse, so much abuse just in that circle of people.
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And one of the things that I'll ask is, well, how did you get your, you know, how easy was it for you to get your letter to get your hormones?
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Oh, very easy.
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I just jumped online, got, you know, picked up on something, and bam, here we go.
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And for me, it was almost a year of therapy, and then I waited a while before I even got my my hormones.
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Um, and I had to go through a lot of hoops back when I, you know, I've been transitioned now 15 years in September.
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And so I had to go and jump through a lot of hoops to get what I needed to get.
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And so I think I can speak on my black trans community is that as mental health is beginning to get more recognition, and it's a shame it had to get to the point where it's at to be recognized.
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But as soon as I got more recognition, as soon as this mental health got more recognition, the more people are coming up saying, Oh yeah, that happened to me.
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But then my next next question to them is, Well, what are you doing about it?
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And they're doing nothing.
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They're doing nothing.
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You mentioned that a lot of in the community within the trans community, majority or a lot of the individuals have experienced abuse.
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So what you're saying is that people are not necessarily born trans, but rather it's a circumstance of it's caused by circumstance.
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It's caused by a trauma, traumatic experience in childhood.
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I think it's a mixture of both.
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Um for me, on the cover of my book, The Boy Beneath My Skin, um, if someone was didn't know who I was and picked this book up, they would say to themselves, that is a cute little boy sitting on those steps.
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Um there was nothing feminine about me whatsoever.
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So was I born trans?
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Yes.
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But did other factors lead me towards it?
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Possibly, yes, possibly.
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And I know that's a heavy stance, and I might get my hand smacked by a lot of my trans brothers and sisters, but yes, I think a lot has to do with our choices because of trauma.
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But I think trauma adds on to that decision.
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Right, right.
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You know, because there are also a lot of cases and stories of individuals that were born trans in a very conservative culture or religion and were kind of discouraged from it, yet kind of fought for their rights for it, you know, because they knew deep down inside they were.
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But this also makes a lot of sense because for a child, when you are trying to simply protect yourself from your abuser who happens to be of the same gender as you, it might be a form of protection, self-preservation as a child to kind of distance yourself or put a gap to from what you're experiencing.
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And it can be quite confusing as well, of like your sexual orientation as a child who might be experiencing it.
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So I do see what you mean by there are cases, and and it can be something that's inbred, but there can also be sometimes for certain individuals um very, very much influenced by um their environment.
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So yeah, that does make a lot of sense.
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Yeah, I knew for me as I continued to grow older that there was just no way there was going to be a boyfriend.
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Just wasn't.
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No way.
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And you know, not getting too graphic.
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I didn't want to be with men because of the penetration.
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And so I wanted to stay away from that.
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That was my biggest fear.
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I think the last horrific abuse was 25-26 by a therapist who was saying me.
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You know, so I have now, now at 25-26, I'm saying, oh my God, is this what sex is all about?
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This is you know, it's violating my body when I say I don't want this.
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Is this it?
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I don't want it.
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And so I went until my 20s before I was involved in any kind of relationship.
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And that relationship that I was involved in was just as toxic and crazy as it possibly could be, you know, and so for all these years I've always tried to find the mate, but I can't.
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I can't because there's something holding me, it was something holding me back, saying, you know, I don't know.
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You know, I think for a long time I was asexual is a new name as we see now.
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And I think I was asexual because of the abuse that had happened.
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Can you tell me how the DID um sort of maybe your first experience of DID that you recall or the first time that you'd sort of like disassociated from yourself and how did that sort of evolve?
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And I'm curious, you know, if you can go into telling me about how did that sort of mix together with your identity, your trans identity.
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The first recollection that I have of DID is that I had these characters, Spider-Man, Superman, um, and I gave them different names.
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And so when the abuse was happening, all I can remember is I don't remember the pain from the abuse.
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Because you gotta think it now.
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This is a four or five-year-old kid that's being penetrated by a grown man with everything you can imagine that he's penetrating me with and and doing things to me.
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And so when these things were happening, I would just zone into the sky and see these superheroes circling around.
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And for that I knew I was gonna be okay.
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You know, uh I don't know, it felt like hours, which I'm sure was minutes.
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Uh a lot of it happened down by this creek that was near my house, which just last year I went to the creek for the first time in since it happened, so that I could close a door on not so much close, yeah, close the door on that part so that I could start living.
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Um and so think about zoning out so and you're seeing these characters, you know, because that's back in the 60s, you know, uh cartoons was the big thing, you know, Saturday morning cartoons, and you know, and I zeroed in on the Batman and the Superman and the Spider-Man and Hulk, these characters, and it's amazing that I pick them and I think about this a lot.
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I picked characters that in everyday life they were news reporters or scientists, and then when the shit hits the fan, here we go.
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We go into a phone booth or we go somewhere and we change, and all of them, you know, are like these big bulky superheroes going out to save the day.
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And I think that's why I chose them because they were saving me.
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So you had awareness of these personalities as they were emerging.
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You were able to sort of select and choose and step into a different personality.
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Yeah, I was able to adopt them for the moment, let's put it that way.
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And um, they were then taking on the pain and the anguish and the emotional.
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They were taking it on.
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Not little Charlotte.
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Charlotte was not taking that, they were taking that.
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And I wrote my book.
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The first, probably the first three or four chapters of my book, I wrote drunk.
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I used to drink and then I'd come home and I'd write.
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Um, and I used to have the outdates me now, stable on a floppy disk.
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And um then I, as the world progressed, I put a lot of them in a blog.
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And that's what the first few chapters of my book is about.
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Is it it explicitly explains what it's like to be inside the mind of a kid who's disassociated.
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Do you remember what were the different personalities like?
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What was Superman?
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What was his personality like?
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The main savior, the main go-to was Spider-Man.
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And he's now, oh, I have Spider-Man all in my room because he's he's you know, like he's my superhero.
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Um, but I would summon up Spider-Man.
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He's watching to make sure if it goes too far, you know, if my life is threatened, that's what I felt.
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He was gonna come in and destroy this uncle.
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For me, I go through the day right now, anything can trigger me.
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A smell, a sound, I can trigger, and I don't go there, but I've got enough understanding of my mind and my body that I can get back into the 66-year-old Charlie very quickly.
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But anything can trigger.
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I was working a job, I just retired, but I was working a job that was uh a startup, and everyone was so excited that this fancy dancey hotel was built beside a creek.
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And so they wanted all the staff to come down and take a picture of this creek.
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So I went down, I took the picture in front of this creek, and I had to go back in my office and close the door.
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I was shaking, I was sweaty.
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I knew what was happening during the time, but I couldn't say, excuse me, I can't take the picture with the group because I'm in you're gonna dis I'm gonna go into a disassociated stance uh uh state, but I did.
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And um with that understanding, I know how to handle things a lot better now.
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I I can I can distinguish that Superman or Spider-Man or Batman, they're there, but they don't have to be me.
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They're there to protect, but they don't have to overtake me if that makes any sense at all.
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Right.
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And this must have taken quite a long time of like therapy and recognizing all those different personality traits and right.
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I hadn't been in therapy until I met my current therapist.
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I hadn't been in therapy for probably 10 years or more.
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Probably she was probably the last therapist I saw, so probably 15.
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Um life was clicking, you know.
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Um, we worked on the breakup of a uh of a breakup that I was going through.
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And right at the end before the end of her training, because she was a trainee here at UVA, right before the end of her training was when I wrote in this journal, and I voice think I'm trans.
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And so she started out with that, and then it was time for her to move on.
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And then when she moved on, I saw another person briefly, but we had worked on enough, and I hadn't even the DID hadn't even come up in those months that we worked.
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The DID never came up.
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It wasn't until I started writing my book that I looked at these pages when the publisher sent it over and said, you do a final read-through before we push the button and start selling.
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And I was like, I was somebody else.
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I still hadn't tagged a name onto it.
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And I had heard about DID, but that wasn't Charlie.
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DID is for people who are really crazy.
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That wasn't me.
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So these characters are just stuff that I made up in my mind.
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It wasn't until I started seeing my therapist this past since August of last year that I realized, geez, man, you know, you're telling me I have this, you know, and the first thing that came to my mind was that movie uh all about Eve, right?
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And it was like, I'm not like her, she's really crazy, and and we never really got any better.
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So, right, yeah.
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Did you ever have any uh friends, associates, or your partners, your ex-partners that would ever come to you and be like, you were not yourself in this movie, you were a totally different person.
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Like, what happened to you?
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How would they describe one of those personalities?
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So there was one personality that was very angry, okay?
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Extremely angry, 27 to 29 years old because of everything that they had gone through.
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And that's the one that this ex of mine saw that finally said, you know what, I can't deal with this.
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I don't know who I'm dealing with.
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You know, that's like listen, there's a sweetheart of a person on one side, and then you just flip so easily to not be physically abusive, but just emotionally be just an angry, angry person.
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And I don't know, I don't know who I'm dealing with.
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That's who I would hear from this exit.
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And finally she just packed up and said, I can't take this anymore.
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And that's when I got the therapy because I thought it was rage, right?
00:20:53.440 --> 00:20:58.160
I thought I had rageful tendencies and it wasn't rage at all.
00:20:58.319 --> 00:21:03.599
It was me clicking into another one of these characters when I felt threatened.
00:21:03.759 --> 00:21:08.160
And with that relationship where I was feeling threatened was the intimacy.
00:21:08.799 --> 00:21:10.480
I didn't want any part of it.
00:21:10.640 --> 00:21:11.039
Why?
00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:15.680
Because I was trying to, I needed to transition from female to male.
00:21:16.160 --> 00:21:27.519
I didn't want her to touch her, I didn't want to, I didn't want her to touch me, I didn't want to touch her because in touching her, I was touching as a female, but I'm not a female in my mind anymore.
00:21:27.599 --> 00:21:33.680
I'm a male, and I don't know how to say this to her because she fell in love with a butch lesbian.
00:21:33.839 --> 00:21:41.519
She didn't fall in love with a trans man, and so if I go to her and tell her this, she's gonna be gone in the end result, she left anyway.
00:21:41.839 --> 00:21:50.000
How did the relation like your personalities understand or accept the trans side of you?
00:21:50.240 --> 00:21:57.279
Or was there any kind of connection or issue that you ever experienced with pushback?
00:21:57.519 --> 00:22:07.839
Um one of the things that I did on Looking at it right here, right now, one of the things that I did was in January, it got to the point.
00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:11.039
Well, in January, a whole succession of things happened.
00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:16.480
I was on this first job that I left due to medical problems.
00:22:16.720 --> 00:22:23.119
Um, I got cornered by two women, and the DID kicked off.
00:22:23.279 --> 00:22:30.240
And it kicked off so badly that I left work, and later in the evening I came back knowing none of this.
00:22:30.319 --> 00:22:33.279
It's like when you drink too much and you blackout.
00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:37.920
That's what the DID is for me, or was for me now.
00:22:38.480 --> 00:22:41.200
So I don't remember packing up my office.
00:22:41.839 --> 00:22:43.200
Packed my office up.
00:22:43.359 --> 00:22:44.640
I got in the car.
00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:50.400
I remember talking to a friend, and when I got in my driveway, I opened the door.
00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:55.039
And of course, the light came on because it's nighttime, and in my car is everything.
00:22:55.200 --> 00:22:57.599
The plant, pictures on the wall.
00:22:57.839 --> 00:22:58.960
I don't remember doing that.
00:22:59.039 --> 00:23:04.319
And I remember saying to my friend on the phone, I just disassembled my office, and I don't remember.
00:23:04.559 --> 00:23:23.920
You know, and so I got in touch with my therapist, and that's when I spent about 35 days in an uh inpatient trauma unit here in Virginia, and just dug in and dealt with this DID, dug in, dealt, dealt with the dealt with all of it, just all of it.
00:23:24.000 --> 00:23:26.079
And I would have to journal every day.
00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:32.000
And so there's a journal with all the stuff that I've now, the mind of Charlie, right?
00:23:32.160 --> 00:23:35.279
I've decided I can't keep this for myself.
00:23:35.519 --> 00:23:37.519
I've got to let other people see it.
00:23:37.599 --> 00:23:41.519
So I'm now working on a second book called 55 Minutes on the Sofa.
00:23:41.680 --> 00:23:49.039
You know, and so it's basically the journal of me writing to those parts.
00:23:49.119 --> 00:23:58.160
And then one of the parts, the 27, 29-year-old part, is very angry that Charlie transitioned.
00:23:58.799 --> 00:24:01.119
Very angry that Charlie transitioned.
00:24:01.279 --> 00:24:07.279
Feels like I was a celeb, you know, and so that was that whole tug of war that I had to deal with.
00:24:07.359 --> 00:24:21.119
That I'm a very proud black trans man, but when you get me behind closed doors with that 27, 29 year old, you know, I'm weak because that 27, 29 year old is very, very angry.
00:24:21.359 --> 00:24:28.960
And so I had to learn how to bring the two of them together when I was in therapy and figure this out.
00:24:29.279 --> 00:24:36.960
Um, and I know people are probably thinking this is the craziest I did, this is the craziest conversation I've ever heard.
00:24:37.359 --> 00:24:40.799
But this is what's happening in my life.
00:24:40.960 --> 00:24:43.279
This is what I deal with.
00:24:43.680 --> 00:24:58.720
I can imagine, like, for a person having to battle with societal um stigmatization, the judgment that comes from society, but being really sure about yourself and kind of having that clarity for yourself, and then knowing that I just have to fight this battle.
00:24:58.880 --> 00:25:19.519
And then on the other side, whereby you're in a community that you know is going to stigmatize you, but at the same time, you're having this internal battle with your own personalities disagreeing with you and with your own kind of um traumas that are not giving you that empowerment to sort of be clear on what it is that you are.
00:25:19.680 --> 00:25:28.480
It can be so difficult to kind of fight that battle for yourself when you yourself are not aligned on that matter.
00:25:28.799 --> 00:25:41.759
So it must have taken you quite some time to sort of wrap your head around, okay, this is who I am, this is my stance, this is where I am, and I'm gonna go forward with this, and we're all gonna be on the same page about it.
00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:42.960
What was the way?
00:25:43.119 --> 00:25:46.880
What would you know, you mentioned that you journaled a lot and you had your therapist a lot.
00:25:47.039 --> 00:25:52.960
What were some of the breakthroughs that you had with integrating all those bits and pieces of yourself?
00:25:53.359 --> 00:26:04.880
It wasn't until I was in the hospital that I realized one of the things that my therapist would always say to me is, you know, let's live in your current self.
00:26:05.039 --> 00:26:07.039
So at that point I was 65.
00:26:07.519 --> 00:26:17.759
It's, you know, we can go there safely, but we need to make sure the 65-year-old self of Charlie is the one that's driving the car.
00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:23.519
The rest can be bad, but Charlie, 65-year-old Charlie is always driving the car.
00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:25.599
We can't let one of these kids drive the car.
00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:27.039
They don't have a license, right?
00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:29.839
So we can't let one of the kids drive the car.
00:26:30.160 --> 00:26:42.480
And the the 27 to 29-year-old is too much into substances, and we can't let the 20 and too and and too uh reckless.
00:26:42.799 --> 00:26:47.920
So you gotta make sure somebody who is stable is driving the car.
00:26:48.079 --> 00:26:58.319
And every now and then it's okay to pick one up or let one off when you need to, but always make sure that I'm in control, and that took a lot of work.
00:26:58.640 --> 00:27:04.400
Um, I remember I was in the hospital and it was like maybe two weeks.
00:27:04.480 --> 00:27:13.200
I've been in there two weeks, and I glanced at the mirror and I looked, and I was like, Jesus Christ, I look so old.
00:27:13.440 --> 00:27:22.480
It the having to deal with this on a day-to-day basis beat me up so badly, you know, uh so emotional.
00:27:22.640 --> 00:27:28.640
And then the other thing with, and I'm sure other people with DID can associate with this.
00:27:28.880 --> 00:27:36.400
Sorry for the pun, associate with this, but but everything.
00:27:37.039 --> 00:27:39.519
If my toothaches, it sets me off.
00:27:39.759 --> 00:27:58.640
Because like right now, I need to have uh uh something removed from my lip inside my mouth, it's a little um hang tag, and I'm so afraid to do that because I don't want anybody's instruments or hand in my mouth because it reminds me of what I had to go through.
00:27:58.799 --> 00:28:00.640
And so I'm working on it.
00:28:00.799 --> 00:28:05.599
Um, you know, if my back aches, it sets me off into DID.
00:28:06.319 --> 00:28:09.680
Not that it takes it over, but I deal with it like that.
00:28:09.839 --> 00:28:12.480
It might be a couple of sleepless nights or whatever.
00:28:12.720 --> 00:28:20.880
In any little pain, I have to double check to make sure is this real pain or is this my DID pain?
00:28:21.119 --> 00:28:32.240
And so I'll never, I think it's almost I've attacked this recovery from DID almost like I did my alcohol and drugs in AA.
00:28:32.400 --> 00:28:35.359
You know, a day at a time, a day at a time.
00:28:35.519 --> 00:28:38.000
Uh, I write steps about it a lot.
00:28:38.240 --> 00:28:40.799
I meditate and I pray on this a lot.
00:28:40.880 --> 00:28:47.440
Uh, and I'm not a big religious guy, but you know, they say in AA, you gotta have something power greater than myself.
00:28:47.599 --> 00:28:49.200
And I choose to call God.
00:28:49.440 --> 00:28:53.039
Sometimes I call it Allah, whatever I choose to call it for the day.
00:28:53.359 --> 00:28:56.240
But um, you know, I'm fresh into this.
00:28:56.319 --> 00:29:05.680
I'm fresh, and I'm in not quite a year of trying to deal with day-to-day living with these characters, as I call them, these parts.
00:29:05.920 --> 00:29:18.000
And um I can recognize sometimes, I'm getting good at recognizing when one of the parts are coming out, um, but I'm also sh have enough understanding.
00:29:18.240 --> 00:29:23.599
It's almost like I hit, it's almost like I'm going for a PhD in my DID.
00:29:23.759 --> 00:29:26.400
You know, so I have to st have to study me.
00:29:27.039 --> 00:29:30.960
And um, and so yeah, yeah.
00:29:31.279 --> 00:29:32.319
That's really interesting.
00:29:32.640 --> 00:29:40.160
Um, do you find that different personalities have different sexual orientations and different genders as well?
00:29:40.480 --> 00:29:43.519
No, all my all my characters are male.
00:29:43.759 --> 00:29:48.319
They don't have, they're not interested in most of them are asexual.
00:29:48.559 --> 00:29:52.960
They have no interest, no emotional bond whatsoever to anyone.
00:29:53.440 --> 00:30:00.880
Um but then there's 66-year-old Charlie that is like, oh yeah, you know, guys, you're missing out on some really fun stuff here.
00:30:01.039 --> 00:30:08.240
This the whole chase of dating and so forth, because I'm single, chase of dating and interest and so forth.
00:30:08.480 --> 00:30:19.200
Um I was at a conference about a year, about six months ago, and um hooked up with this woman at the conference.
00:30:19.359 --> 00:30:23.279
You know, we both were consenting adults, knew what was going on.
00:30:23.519 --> 00:30:38.559
Well, afterward, the GID had kicked in so strongly that I had to really work on just like, okay, Charlie, here we are now in Chicago, and you you you're far away.
00:30:38.720 --> 00:30:46.319
You can't, you know, and you're a phone call away from your therapist, but come on, dude, let's try to get those reels back in.
00:30:46.559 --> 00:30:57.039
And I think that was the first time for me, for a lot of firsts, it was the first time just I've never done that before, first of all, not this quick pickup, you know.
00:30:57.200 --> 00:30:59.359
So I've never done that before.
00:30:59.680 --> 00:31:08.480
And then this uh sex while now under the DID.
00:31:08.880 --> 00:31:11.119
Very different, very different.
00:31:12.319 --> 00:31:13.759
Did I want to be touched?
00:31:13.920 --> 00:31:18.640
I did, but there were other parts screaming saying, Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me.
00:31:18.799 --> 00:31:22.559
This is what's going on in my head while I'm trying to be cool, suave guy.
00:31:22.720 --> 00:31:23.839
Just that battle.
00:31:24.000 --> 00:31:30.400
It's it's in what I've realized, this is something that I'm gonna live with for the rest of my life.
00:31:31.200 --> 00:31:34.480
And I need to be able to not allow it to take over my life.
00:31:34.640 --> 00:31:36.880
Um, you know, I got too much stuff to do.
00:31:37.119 --> 00:31:45.920
And so I've got to integrate and understand and educate myself on when this happens, what do I do?
00:31:46.240 --> 00:31:55.519
Out of all of the things that you've experienced in your life, what what would you say has sort of taken precedence in terms of your self-identity?
00:31:55.680 --> 00:32:03.200
For example, I might go to someone and say, Hi, my name is Jenica, I'm Indian and a woman, for example.
00:32:03.359 --> 00:32:06.720
Those are the sort of top three things that I can identify with.
00:32:06.880 --> 00:32:08.319
Um, what would that be for you?
00:32:08.480 --> 00:32:22.480
Would you introduce yourself to someone as, you know, hi, my name is Charlie, I'm trans, and I have D, I, D, and C P T S D, or what what which aspect of your life would you say has sort of taken more precedence in terms of with your identity?
00:32:23.359 --> 00:32:24.160
Being a black man.
00:32:24.240 --> 00:32:25.119
Hey, I'm Charlie.
00:32:25.200 --> 00:32:27.119
I know you can see this, but I'm Charlie.
00:32:27.200 --> 00:32:31.839
I'm a black trans man, you know, I'm an elder, I'm 66 years old.
00:32:32.160 --> 00:32:38.000
Um that uh, you know, if the conversation goes that way, you know what?
00:32:38.480 --> 00:32:44.480
I I've I've I have DID and I suffer from DID, so I understand.
00:32:44.640 --> 00:33:00.000
I was watching this show last night, and I won't name it, but I was watching this show, and it was about black trans men and listening to their stories, and I'm sitting there on the sofa saying, I want to hear you say you're going to therapy.
00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:01.440
What do you say about going to therapy?
00:33:01.519 --> 00:33:02.960
I never heard a word about it.
00:33:03.279 --> 00:33:09.920
I'm like, oh man, if you would go to therapy, you know, and they were talking about the sexual abuse as children.
00:33:10.079 --> 00:33:18.960
And I'm thinking, if your people are sexually abused, does everybody go through DID or is it just me?
00:33:19.039 --> 00:33:20.880
And why did I get this?
00:33:21.119 --> 00:33:25.440
Why couldn't first of all, why did I have to be sexually abused?
00:33:25.599 --> 00:33:32.480
And second of all, if it did happen, why was I picked to have to go through this?
00:33:32.559 --> 00:33:34.319
Because it's not an easy picnic.
00:33:34.640 --> 00:33:38.880
And so why do I have to go through this and deal with this?
00:33:39.200 --> 00:33:40.960
Was I was I weak?
00:33:41.200 --> 00:33:42.960
You know, was it too much?
00:33:43.119 --> 00:33:46.000
You know, and that's a question I need to pose to my therapist.
00:33:46.079 --> 00:33:50.240
And of course, you'll just say, you know, what we go through.
00:33:50.880 --> 00:33:53.920
And you know, it's what we do with it that matters.
00:33:54.240 --> 00:33:54.480
Yeah.
00:33:54.720 --> 00:34:04.000
You know, you mentioned that you already started to kind of feel that at a very young age, not quite in tune with your body and with your physical, the way that you were born.
00:34:04.240 --> 00:34:05.839
You always felt like a boy.
00:34:06.079 --> 00:34:11.199
At what point did you start sharing it with people, with your family, with your friends?
00:34:11.360 --> 00:34:13.199
Um, and how did that happen for you?
00:34:13.599 --> 00:34:16.079
It didn't, it didn't until I transitioned.
00:34:16.800 --> 00:34:18.559
Because now, yeah.
00:34:18.800 --> 00:34:23.440
Um they were you know they were dealing with me dating women.
00:34:23.679 --> 00:34:25.199
Okay, so we got that.
00:34:25.440 --> 00:34:26.079
All right.
00:34:26.559 --> 00:34:30.159
And I didn't know what trans was.
00:34:30.480 --> 00:34:44.000
I mean, I'm just this little country bumpkin that's in in a rural area, you know, that you have to drive 12, 15 miles and go to town and um very isolated.
00:34:44.159 --> 00:34:53.599
And it wasn't until I started my my ex, who who we spoke about, was big into the MCC church.
00:34:53.920 --> 00:35:00.800
And so, you know, I'm going to church with her, and there are people who are trans.
00:35:01.840 --> 00:35:31.840
You know, there's women loving women, there's men loving men with families, and you know, just but there's a section over here that I'm looking at, and I remember I met this one guy, and so I met him pre-transition, and then I met him again and would see his transformation each week that I would go back to this church with her, and I couldn't understand why I was so fixed on this guy.
00:35:32.000 --> 00:35:45.199
And you know, I would come from church with my ex with Constance, and I would say to myself, Oh my god, am I attracted to this person that is changing before me?
00:35:45.280 --> 00:35:51.199
Is it I've never been sexually attracted to a masculine-looking person before in my life.
00:35:51.840 --> 00:35:53.599
Why is happening to me?
00:35:53.760 --> 00:36:05.039
And I've got this beautiful, smart woman over here on my side, and I'm looking at this person like, why am I so fixed on them?
00:36:05.199 --> 00:36:07.679
Why am I so obsessed about them?
00:36:07.920 --> 00:36:11.199
It wasn't the obsession of a sexual attraction.
00:36:11.440 --> 00:36:16.719
They had what I wanted, and that was they had that transness, that open train.
00:36:16.880 --> 00:36:21.199
He was in the Navy, and so I had, you know, there this was down near the naval base.
00:36:21.679 --> 00:36:36.320
And I was like, it wasn't until I spoke those words to Jen that I think I'm trans that, you know, and it all happened during that time of Chaz Bono and a couple of others.
00:36:36.639 --> 00:36:47.039
And I remember going to these support groups, but I was sitting in these support groups here in sh in Virginia, and they'd be half my age or younger, and they'd be white.
00:36:47.119 --> 00:36:50.559
And I'm like, where is people that look like me?
00:36:50.880 --> 00:36:57.840
And so I didn't see a lot of people that look like me until many, maybe two years into my transition.
00:36:58.079 --> 00:37:10.960
But I just always remember that fixation I had on this guy, having to talk about okay, am I fixated with him because I sexually want him, or what what what is it?
00:37:11.599 --> 00:37:14.639
And it was because he had what I wanted.
00:37:15.199 --> 00:37:15.920
That's what you're saying.
00:37:16.079 --> 00:37:22.960
So you're you're you're yeah, so yeah, you're you're uh 51.
00:37:23.599 --> 00:37:34.000
It was 51 where I need to voice and say, I am transgender and I need to get incongruent with my body, with my mind.
00:37:34.559 --> 00:37:44.880
And I wonder whether, like, if a person who's going through something similar in today's day and age, whether that would happen at an earlier stage just because of the access of support.
00:37:45.280 --> 00:37:46.000
Absolutely.
00:37:46.239 --> 00:37:56.159
Um I think if I had had the resources, I'm not going to say the support of my family, because when I went to my family with us, it's been beautiful.
00:37:56.320 --> 00:37:57.760
No one has rejected me.
00:37:57.920 --> 00:37:58.400
No one.
00:37:58.559 --> 00:38:01.039
All they wanted to see is me happy.
00:38:01.280 --> 00:38:03.599
That's all they want to see, just Charlie happy.
00:38:03.679 --> 00:38:05.440
And we didn't see Charlie happy.
00:38:05.599 --> 00:38:07.760
So do what you need to do.
00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:12.719
We'll turn the the volume and we'll adjust accordingly.
00:38:13.039 --> 00:38:17.199
But I think for me, it was the ignorance of who I was.
00:38:17.599 --> 00:38:21.599
And the ignorance for who I was came from the lack of resources.
00:38:21.760 --> 00:38:26.079
Who am I going to see out here other than cows and pigs and horses?
00:38:26.320 --> 00:38:29.760
Who am I going to see out here that looks like nobody?
00:38:30.079 --> 00:38:33.440
How does the CPTSD sort of like take effect in your life?
00:38:33.599 --> 00:38:34.800
What does that look like for you?
00:38:34.880 --> 00:38:38.400
And have you sort of worked through that as well with your therapy?
00:38:38.880 --> 00:38:40.800
Yeah, I've worked through this with therapy.
00:38:40.960 --> 00:38:41.760
What does it look like?
00:38:41.920 --> 00:38:46.400
It looks like there are some mornings I wake up and I'm totally not with it.
00:38:46.559 --> 00:38:48.239
And I recognize that.
00:38:48.400 --> 00:38:54.239
And so I have to do things, some grounding, um, some loving on me to get that done.
00:38:54.320 --> 00:38:55.119
It's a lot of work.
00:38:55.280 --> 00:38:56.239
It's a lot of work.
00:38:56.559 --> 00:39:02.800
There's medication that I take uh to help me sleep for the nightmares and the bad dreams.
00:39:03.039 --> 00:39:16.880
I walk lightly with this right now because I'm still, again, I'm not just a year a year into dealing with this, but I also give the DID the respect that I need to give the same way I did alcohol.
00:39:16.960 --> 00:39:18.960
It's cunning, baffling, and powerful.
00:39:19.119 --> 00:39:22.400
And so I have to stay on top of what I need to do.
00:39:22.559 --> 00:39:23.440
I need to get sleep.
00:39:23.599 --> 00:39:28.719
I need to eat, eat healthy, you know, I need to get movement, I need to hydrate.
00:39:28.800 --> 00:39:36.239
You know, all these things are the things I need to do to get at least ensure me that there's not a slip that's happening.
00:39:36.320 --> 00:39:45.920
I always call them like relapses, you know, so I won't have these relapses of time and it takes over, and then it takes me a while to get back to the point where I'm at.
00:39:46.880 --> 00:39:51.599
Again, it's a very exhausting thing, but um, I gotta do it to live.
00:39:51.840 --> 00:39:58.400
Can you talk to me a little bit about the forms of therapy that you have kind of undertaken throughout your journey of recovery from?
00:39:58.559 --> 00:40:00.400
You know, I know you mentioned AA.
00:40:00.719 --> 00:40:01.920
What was that like?
00:40:02.079 --> 00:40:06.079
You know, did you have that sort of step program with the DID?
00:40:06.239 --> 00:40:19.119
What are some forms of therapy, just in case someone who might be going through this or wondering that they might be, um, what are some signs do they need to look out for and what are some kind of ways they can um kind of work through it?
00:40:19.440 --> 00:40:24.719
If you find yourself losing time and you're sober, that might be that might be DID.
00:40:24.800 --> 00:40:26.639
I can I can only speak for myself.
00:40:26.880 --> 00:40:35.679
Just that I was losing a lot of time and and was sober, which was scaring me because when I come back out of it, you know, I had to do a body check.
00:40:35.760 --> 00:40:42.800
I'm like, okay, I don't smell any alcohol, I didn't crash my car, I have money in my pocket.
00:40:43.039 --> 00:40:47.519
What's going on that I can't remember yesterday from today?
00:40:47.920 --> 00:40:55.119
And that's in the scary part at 6066 in my 60s, I was thinking, is this Alzheimer's?
00:40:55.280 --> 00:40:56.719
Is this dementia?
00:40:56.960 --> 00:40:59.679
No, this losing time is losing too.
00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:05.039
Um, so if you find yourself that you're losing time, you need to you need to get to a therapist.
00:41:05.199 --> 00:41:18.719
Um, if you hear your friends say, I don't know who I'm dealing with, allow your friends to be that mirror for you sometimes, because sometimes your close friends see things that you don't see because you're so wrapped into it.
00:41:18.960 --> 00:41:20.320
Accept what they're saying.
00:41:20.559 --> 00:41:22.480
Yeah, accept what they're saying.
00:41:22.719 --> 00:41:40.480
Um for me, EMDR absolutely destroyed me as far as the DID, because I didn't know when I was taking the EMDR, we sort of kind of had a clue what was going on, but I just got worse from behind it.
00:41:40.639 --> 00:41:41.920
Um it didn't work.
00:41:42.079 --> 00:41:44.960
Now it might work for others, it did not work for me.
00:41:45.280 --> 00:41:57.760
For me, that was just so much that I hadn't unpacked that was coming up during each one of the sessions of EMDR that I couldn't handle it.
00:41:57.840 --> 00:41:59.440
It was just too much.
00:41:59.840 --> 00:42:06.320
And I think we needed to have unpacked some stuff before I went into the whole EMDR part.
00:42:06.559 --> 00:42:09.440
Um, but it didn't help me, but it helps others.
00:42:09.679 --> 00:42:10.400
That's interesting.
00:42:11.039 --> 00:42:14.000
Medication is a lot to go go medication.
00:42:14.079 --> 00:42:23.920
I'm not a big guy on pills, but I can tell you a pill and a glass of water has helped me tremendously in therapy, you know.
00:42:24.159 --> 00:42:29.119
Um and that therapy needs to be in conjunction with your own therapy.
00:42:29.199 --> 00:42:30.320
You know, you gotta work.
00:42:30.480 --> 00:42:34.000
You just can't sit on the sofa and expect for the therapist to do the work for you.
00:42:34.079 --> 00:42:34.880
You gotta work too.
00:42:34.960 --> 00:42:37.760
And so that's why journaling is so important to me.
00:42:37.920 --> 00:42:48.480
Um, and then when I'm in a better state of mind, I go back and I read those, I read that journal, and I'm like, oh geez, I didn't realize I was at this point that day.
00:42:48.719 --> 00:42:52.079
And what do I need to do to make sure I don't go there again?
00:42:52.320 --> 00:42:56.400
Um, and educate yourself, educate yourself.
00:42:56.639 --> 00:43:07.039
Um podcasts, um, uh reading, journals, uh, medical journals, I read medical journals.
00:43:07.119 --> 00:43:13.599
I anything that I can learn about who I am and what makes me tick is important to me.
00:43:14.000 --> 00:43:23.920
Would you agree that you can use your your emotions and your feelings to help guide you to understand what are the areas that you might be struggling with, the issues.
00:43:24.000 --> 00:43:28.639
So, for example, you might say, I don't know why, but food triggers me.
00:43:28.800 --> 00:43:31.119
Like I have a major issue when it comes to food.
00:43:31.199 --> 00:43:45.199
I either overeat or I under eat, or I've got issues with a lot of like things surrounding food, or I might find that I'm having a lot of uh difficulty finding uh uh maintaining relationships, love relationships, intimate relationships.
00:43:45.360 --> 00:43:47.920
And you use that kind of feeling to guide you.
00:43:48.079 --> 00:43:56.880
Every time you go on a date, you see how you feel, you tune in with yourself, you make a note of that, and then kind of use that to help you take it forward.
00:43:56.960 --> 00:43:59.440
That's when you might realize that actually it's stemming from something.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:04.719
Lot deeper, and it's not just a you know an indiv independent circumstance.
00:44:05.119 --> 00:44:19.840
Little little mini journals and sticky notes of my best friend because I can be on a date with someone and the feeling is great, and I want to write that down on on you know at 8 31 a.m.
00:44:20.239 --> 00:44:23.039
this dinner breakfast this breakfast date.
00:44:23.199 --> 00:44:28.000
You know, I felt XYZ and then I tuck it away.
00:44:28.239 --> 00:44:38.880
And so when I'm not feeling like that, I can mentally roll a dexit back to say, okay, what were you doing that day that made it an on day?
00:44:39.039 --> 00:44:41.039
And I have to look at that day, you know.
00:44:41.119 --> 00:44:47.119
I I meditated, you know, I I I grounded myself before I went out the door.
00:44:47.360 --> 00:44:57.760
I made sure, you know, that uh I was hydrated, made sure that I wasn't that hot, hungry, angry, lonely, tired, because that plays pays a big part.
00:44:59.119 --> 00:45:12.079
For me, food is an issue because of some of the things that was done to me, food was stuffed in my mouth so that I wouldn't make noises when I was a kid.
00:45:12.239 --> 00:45:20.079
So uh for a long time I ballooned up to 500 pounds at one point 30 years ago, 30, 40 years ago.
00:45:20.239 --> 00:45:24.079
You know, I lost about 200 during the course of all that time.
00:45:24.480 --> 00:45:32.480
But um my relationship with food, I mean, even right now, last couple nights ago, I had the same problem.
00:45:32.639 --> 00:45:35.920
I ate, it was great, everything was good.
00:45:36.079 --> 00:45:39.440
In the middle of the night, this DID kicked in.
00:45:39.599 --> 00:45:43.360
Next thing I know, I'm I'm barfing half the night, my food up.
00:45:43.440 --> 00:45:45.039
I'm binging, I'm binging.
00:45:45.199 --> 00:45:46.880
And so, what did I need to do?
00:45:47.039 --> 00:45:49.440
I need to let people know this is what's going on.
00:45:49.599 --> 00:45:53.519
Hey, I you know, I went to my nurse, psychiatric nurse practitioner.
00:45:53.679 --> 00:45:55.840
I'm not sleeping, I'm not doing this.
00:45:56.159 --> 00:46:00.639
Um, went to the doctor, doctor blew me off and said, take some pral sac.
00:46:01.039 --> 00:46:08.800
Um, I yeah, some of the GPs just don't understand, you know, but I understood what was going on.
00:46:08.880 --> 00:46:17.440
And so I was like, you know what, Charlie, you just need to take smaller meals, just eat soft food for a while, and you'll be okay.
00:46:17.760 --> 00:46:22.320
That um it's called self-love is what I do for myself.
00:46:22.639 --> 00:46:25.440
Regarding the DID, I know you mentioned that for you.
00:46:25.519 --> 00:46:31.679
Um, you still live with it, you've just learned how to manage it and communicate with all those different personalities.
00:46:31.840 --> 00:46:36.719
Um, I know that there are other forms of therapy or treatment, at least for DID.
00:46:36.880 --> 00:46:43.599
Um, for example, integrating all of those personalities, like merging them together so that you can have one.
00:46:43.760 --> 00:46:46.719
Can you just walk us through different forms of treatment for DID?
00:46:47.039 --> 00:46:49.199
Yeah, so for me, I can only speak.
00:46:49.440 --> 00:46:52.239
Um the integration is a big part.
00:46:52.480 --> 00:46:58.960
And the way that I integrate, I picture a big sofa and we sit all the parts down on the sofa.
00:46:59.360 --> 00:47:19.760
And Charlie sits in a chair across from him, and he hears what fears they have and what's going on, and he listens, you know, and eventually Charlie moves over to the sofa and sits in the middle of the sofa with them, and then that's when Charlie knows for that day, that moment, that time, everybody's working under one.
00:47:20.159 --> 00:47:21.599
Charlie's the representative.
00:47:21.679 --> 00:47:26.480
Let's let Charlie be the representative that comes out and is being seen.
00:47:26.719 --> 00:47:31.280
But the rest of you, we all on the sofa, we all understand on one accord.
00:47:31.440 --> 00:47:33.280
That was some of the stuff that they did.
00:47:33.360 --> 00:47:37.679
Um, they had me do in the inpatient treatment that I went in.
00:47:38.719 --> 00:47:40.719
The integration was a huge part.
00:47:41.119 --> 00:47:56.320
And so we just picture, and and and I'm a picture kind of touchy feeler guy, so I picture this big sofa that everybody can fit on, everybody's comfortable, you know, and every but not everyone can talk at the same time.
00:47:56.400 --> 00:48:00.880
There are ground rules that we have, not everyone can talk at the same time.
00:48:01.199 --> 00:48:06.800
Um that angry 27 or 29-year-old, you're invited to.
00:48:07.760 --> 00:48:12.159
Because that one feels like it's left out because of the way they lived.
00:48:12.320 --> 00:48:15.360
And so it's important that that we include that one.
00:48:15.519 --> 00:48:26.000
And it's important that that particular stage of persons or parts in my life, they have to be heard first.
00:48:26.880 --> 00:48:30.559
That's the other that's you know, that's just that personality of that one.
00:48:30.639 --> 00:48:38.559
That that and and so once I pictured that big sofa and all of us on that sofa, things started clicking.
00:48:38.639 --> 00:48:40.960
I'm like, okay, now I can deal with this.
00:48:41.039 --> 00:48:45.599
And every now and then I'll check in and say, okay, I think it's time for us to go on the sofa.
00:48:45.840 --> 00:48:50.000
Um, and my last thing is is medication.
00:48:50.159 --> 00:48:52.800
The medication is truly work with me.
00:48:52.960 --> 00:48:59.840
Antidepressants, um, some couple of meds for PTSD to help me sleep at night, help me fall asleep at night.
00:49:00.079 --> 00:49:01.440
Do they work all the time?
00:49:01.599 --> 00:49:01.840
No.
00:49:02.079 --> 00:49:04.320
Does the DID get stronger than the meds?
00:49:04.559 --> 00:49:05.119
Yes.
00:49:05.440 --> 00:49:10.639
But I get back on track by grounding, I get back on track by setting us up on the sofa.
00:49:10.800 --> 00:49:13.199
That was one of the reasons I named the book that I did.
00:49:13.360 --> 00:49:15.519
You know, there's 55 minutes on the sofa.
00:49:15.599 --> 00:49:19.440
It doesn't say which one is on the sofa, but there's 55 minutes on the sofa.
00:49:19.920 --> 00:49:21.199
That's so interesting.
00:49:21.679 --> 00:49:27.679
If we think about a person who's got real anger issues, like what might we say to that person?
00:49:27.920 --> 00:49:39.840
It's like that almost you're kind of having to kind of console that individual within you, that personality within you, let them know that you hear them, reassure them, and then steer them in the right direction, sort of thing.
00:49:39.920 --> 00:49:45.599
So it's almost like you're providing guidance to your own personality traits.
00:49:46.320 --> 00:49:51.760
Um look at it as I have at least 10 kids.
00:49:52.800 --> 00:49:55.599
And you know, I'm the adult here.
00:49:56.000 --> 00:50:08.480
And so I have to make sure you have food, I have to make sure you have shelter, I have to make sure, you know, you get educated, I may have to make sure that um the kids are safe.
00:50:08.960 --> 00:50:17.360
And so there's all these things, and but I'm the adult in charge, as my therapist says, I'm the 66-year-old, staying 66-year-old self.
00:50:17.519 --> 00:50:22.559
And so I'm staying 66-year-old self to take care of all these others here.
00:50:22.880 --> 00:50:30.480
And um it's a difficult task a lot of times because a lot of times all want to come out at one time.
00:50:30.559 --> 00:50:32.079
And so we have ground rules.
00:50:32.159 --> 00:50:39.280
And in my journal are my ground rules, you know, only one can speak at a time, you know, not down in the other.
00:50:39.599 --> 00:50:43.599
Um, you know, it's it's it's it's house rules.
00:50:43.920 --> 00:50:50.320
It's uh it have all these, I have this big house, and I have all these 10 parts running around.
00:50:50.480 --> 00:50:59.119
Some of them are kids, some of them are little, and so we have to un I have to understand that they need to have a voice too.
00:50:59.599 --> 00:51:05.920
Um, how have you sort of maintained like work um a job with with this?
00:51:06.239 --> 00:51:15.440
Um and you know, you had the drinking as well before, so how how were you sort of like I wasn't staying on jobs, I'd work a job and go, work a job and go.
00:51:15.679 --> 00:51:26.000
It wasn't until I got sober in the first round of therapy with Jen that um I was able to hold down a job.
00:51:26.400 --> 00:51:40.320
Uh so I just retired about three weeks ago after doing 20 years on on, you know, another 20 years of succession with the same company, but 20 years of that same path of janitorial management.
00:51:40.559 --> 00:51:42.079
Each job gets better.
00:51:42.400 --> 00:51:49.039
This last job that I was at, I kicked ass because, you know, I've got everything in order.
00:51:49.199 --> 00:51:54.239
Um, but that was really thank God, my boss is one of my best friends.
00:51:54.480 --> 00:52:00.159
And so I would go to her and say, Hey, Sandy, um I'm not having a good day today.
00:52:00.320 --> 00:52:02.159
Yeah, you know, I might miss some things.
00:52:02.320 --> 00:52:07.760
And she would understand to the degree that she could understand and kind of hold my hand and help me.
00:52:07.920 --> 00:52:11.119
Um and I don't think I would have gotten that at any other job.
00:52:11.360 --> 00:52:19.760
And then, you know, I just decided uh about three, two months ago that um I was done.
00:52:19.920 --> 00:52:24.559
I was done with the workforce and that I now need to concentrate on writing books.
00:52:24.639 --> 00:52:35.199
I need to concentrate on, I have a nonprofit called Transforming Futures that we have uh we have different conferences all throughout the state of Virginia.
00:52:35.360 --> 00:52:41.920
And so I need to concentrate on that nonprofit and um have time to do podcasts.
00:52:42.239 --> 00:52:43.599
Charlie, final words.
00:52:43.679 --> 00:52:49.440
Um, please do also share with us about your book and about the work that you're doing so our listeners can find you.
00:52:49.519 --> 00:52:51.039
I'll also put them in the description.
00:52:51.119 --> 00:52:53.840
But just a few words about your book and how we can find you.
00:52:54.159 --> 00:52:57.760
So, my book, you can find me on uh CharlieSpeaks.com.
00:52:57.920 --> 00:53:00.079
You can go to CharlieSpeaks, you can see the book.
00:53:00.159 --> 00:53:03.840
You can order the book from the actual website, you'll get a signed copy.
00:53:03.920 --> 00:53:07.840
You can also go on Amazon, but hey, come on, don't you want a signed copy of it?
00:53:08.000 --> 00:53:10.800
Um that book is way beneath my skin.
00:53:11.039 --> 00:53:14.880
Um, and I'm working on three other books right now.
00:53:15.039 --> 00:53:16.559
Two are cookbooks.
00:53:16.880 --> 00:53:28.960
One, I took a group of uh young trans men of color, and we would meet for a while once a month, and then we decided it was time to do a cookbook.
00:53:29.039 --> 00:53:34.000
So these guys got all these different recipes because you got to think about it.
00:53:34.960 --> 00:53:37.519
We've been in the kitchen under both genders.
00:53:37.679 --> 00:53:48.079
We've been in the kitchen of what it was like as a little young girl or a teenager or whatever, and then we're now in the kitchen as men or masculine identified.
00:53:48.320 --> 00:53:50.239
And so what's the story behind that?
00:53:50.320 --> 00:53:54.800
So the book will have stories on what it was like, but then they'll also have recipes.
00:53:55.039 --> 00:54:00.559
And then my mother, who was an excellent cook, who put together a little makeshift cookbook.
00:54:00.719 --> 00:54:04.320
Um, I'm I'm redoing her cookbook in honor of her.
00:54:04.480 --> 00:54:20.719
So uh there's that cookbook, and then uh by the end of the year, first of the year, 55 Minutes on the Sofa will come out, which is probably going to be a therapist dream because this is me actually writing and doing my DID episodes.
00:54:20.880 --> 00:54:31.119
Um Trans Futures, um, you can find us at um transfutures uh.org and we do conferences.
00:54:31.199 --> 00:54:42.639
Um basically my board and my comp my facilitators are all uh people of color, and they're either allies or uh trans.
00:54:43.440 --> 00:54:50.079
And one of the things that transforming futures is all about is that we need to involve the allies in our journey as well.
00:54:50.239 --> 00:54:53.920
It's important that we have strong allies and that allies understand us.
00:54:54.000 --> 00:55:05.599
And so it's more of an education for allies to see during these conferences strong black trans people or strong uh people of color during the presenting.
00:55:05.679 --> 00:55:07.360
Um that's the most important part of it.
00:55:07.519 --> 00:55:08.719
So that's pretty much my life.
00:55:09.039 --> 00:55:12.000
I've got a podcast myself coming up, I'm working on.
00:55:12.159 --> 00:55:15.679
Uh, haven't named it quite yet, but we're in the working stages of that.
00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:17.920
Wow, lots of different things you're doing.
00:55:18.880 --> 00:55:19.599
A lot of things.
00:55:20.320 --> 00:55:20.639
Yeah.
00:55:21.119 --> 00:55:30.320
But it's great because it's coming from a place of passion, it's coming from a place of like sharing your journey, and it's you know, from a very authentic, very, you know, inner inner place.
00:55:30.400 --> 00:55:31.840
So that's that's lovely.
00:55:32.320 --> 00:55:40.400
And and I want to add that if anybody's listening to this today and they're questioning what's going on with them, reach out to Charlie.
00:55:40.559 --> 00:55:41.679
I'm always around.
00:55:41.920 --> 00:55:48.719
You know, uh sometimes the most important thing is connecting with someone who is like-minded.
00:55:48.880 --> 00:55:52.000
Look at AA, he's been doing that for 90 years, you know.
00:55:52.159 --> 00:55:56.719
So sometimes we just need to connect with someone who has gone through what they've gone through.
00:55:56.880 --> 00:55:57.360
God knows.
00:55:57.440 --> 00:55:59.920
I wish I could have had someone like that.
00:56:00.159 --> 00:56:03.119
But um, I'm here for you if you need it.
00:56:03.440 --> 00:56:03.920
Yeah.
00:56:04.159 --> 00:56:05.199
Thank you, Charlie.
00:56:05.280 --> 00:56:10.719
Thank you so much for being on the podcast today and sharing your journey and your healing and your recovery and your resilience.
00:56:11.119 --> 00:56:12.639
It's really nice to be here.
00:56:13.840 --> 00:56:18.559
If you enjoyed the episode and would like to help support the show, please follow and subscribe.
00:56:18.800 --> 00:56:23.039
You can rate and review your feedback on any of our platforms listed in the description.
00:56:23.280 --> 00:56:28.079
I'd like to recognize our guests who are vulnerable and open to share their life experiences with us.
00:56:28.239 --> 00:56:30.639
Thank you for showing us we're human.
00:56:31.119 --> 00:56:34.880
Also, a thank you to our team who worked so hard behind the scenes to make it happen.
00:56:35.199 --> 00:56:37.599
Lucas Theory, Stefan Menzel.
00:56:38.079 --> 00:56:39.920
The show would be nothing without you.
00:56:40.159 --> 00:56:45.119
I'm Jenica, host and writer of the show, and you're listening to Multispective.