Full Transcript for Mission Evolution with Gwilda Wiyaka Interviews - DR. JUDITH SHERVEN - Over Coming the Fear of Being Fabulous

32 00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:23.879 we met. We've talked about the fact that we never 33 00:02:24.439 --> 00:02:27.120 because of our upbringings, and we both came from lower 34 00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:31.879 middle class families, so we were already exceeding the success 35 00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:35.840 our fathers had enjoyed and our mothers didn't work, and 36 00:02:36.280 --> 00:02:39.520 it did not cross our minds really to say to 37 00:02:39.560 --> 00:02:43.319 our agents, make me a star, get me a running 38 00:02:43.360 --> 00:02:47.319 part on a series, get me out there. We just 39 00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:52.280 went from this television show in my case, and for 40 00:02:52.439 --> 00:02:55.840 Jim he did largely stage work but also some television. 41 00:02:56.439 --> 00:03:01.360 And then finally for me and Jim had a different trajectory. 42 00:03:01.400 --> 00:03:05.919 But for me it was like, well, I've sold what 43 00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:09.800 I look like and my talent. I think it's time 44 00:03:09.960 --> 00:03:14.560 to sell my brains. And I went back to school 45 00:03:14.639 --> 00:03:19.000 and got my PhD in clinical psychology and started having 46 00:03:19.199 --> 00:03:23.439 my own private practice in Santa Monica, California. And then 47 00:03:23.680 --> 00:03:27.840 when Jim and I met, we started doing executive coaching 48 00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:32.000 and and you know, and we could keep going in 49 00:03:32.120 --> 00:03:37.280 terms of what all happened, but I think largely the 50 00:03:37.319 --> 00:03:41.199 fear of being fabulous was playing out at an unconscious level. 51 00:03:43.240 --> 00:03:46.879 How do your early experiences and entertainment shape your understanding 52 00:03:46.919 --> 00:03:47.800 of human behavior. 53 00:03:49.759 --> 00:03:53.840 It's interesting what so many people do that we that 54 00:03:53.919 --> 00:03:59.360 we meet with and talk with, is they also feel limited. 55 00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:04.879 They feel like they can't ask for a promotion. That 56 00:04:05.199 --> 00:04:09.680 is a large issue for so many people. And we 57 00:04:09.719 --> 00:04:12.439 talk with them and say, please go to your manager 58 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:16.120 and say what do I need to do to get 59 00:04:16.160 --> 00:04:19.160 you to promote me to the next level. And they're 60 00:04:19.439 --> 00:04:24.079 surprised that that would be so simple, and we're saying, 61 00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:27.800 you know, don't necessarily go ask immediately for a promotion. 62 00:04:28.279 --> 00:04:31.720 That might be a little too shocking, but do ask 63 00:04:31.920 --> 00:04:35.920 what do you need to do in your work to 64 00:04:36.160 --> 00:04:40.480 be qualified for the next level and then be promoted? 65 00:04:40.920 --> 00:04:45.480 And so often their managers are thrilled with the question 66 00:04:46.160 --> 00:04:50.680 and sometimes why. Remember one woman came back and she said, 67 00:04:51.120 --> 00:04:54.279

my manager said, oh, thank you for asking. I've been 68 00:04:54.319 --> 00:04:59.319 meaning to promote you. I just I've been so busy, 69 00:04:59.399 --> 00:05:03.319 and you know, we'll put that in place and probably 70 00:05:03.360 --> 00:05:07.399 within six months I'll get you promoted. Great fun. 71 00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:14.040 It sounds like people, well, even when you were describing 72 00:05:14.079 --> 00:05:18.079 your earlier experience, that it doesn't occur to people to 73 00:05:18.079 --> 00:05:19.920 do anything but just kind of sit back and take 74 00:05:19.959 --> 00:05:22.600 what's handed, maybe try to do their best in hopes 75 00:05:23.160 --> 00:05:27.720 of earning it. But if they don't reach out, nobody 76 00:05:27.720 --> 00:05:29.720 knows they have interested in moving up. Is that what's 77 00:05:29.759 --> 00:05:30.360 going on there? 78 00:05:30.519 --> 00:05:34.600 That's absolutely gwill the perfect You just nailed it. I 79 00:05:34.879 --> 00:05:38.120 look back on I did a tiny little role in 80 00:05:38.199 --> 00:05:44.519 one of the original Star Trek series and Bill Shatner 81 00:05:45.680 --> 00:05:49.319 and I walked down back and forth and he shouted 82 00:05:49.399 --> 00:05:55.480 out to the director, Joe, she's funny, great, that was terrific. 83 00:05:56.040 --> 00:05:58.399 My little part was over by the end of day 84 00:05:59.000 --> 00:06:03.560 I left. I never went back to Shatner and said, Bill, 85 00:06:03.600 --> 00:06:06.519 remember I'm funny, get me back here. I didn't go 86 00:06:06.600 --> 00:06:10.000 over to the director Joe and say Bill thinks I'm funny, 87 00:06:10.519 --> 00:06:13.199 get me back here. I didn't say to my agent, 88 00:06:14.439 --> 00:06:18.800 you know, Bill shouted out to Joe the director, she's funny, 89 00:06:19.439 --> 00:06:21.720 get me back on the show. And I did not 90 00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:27.439 contact the casting director and say get me back. So 91 00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:32.160 there are four times that I was just simply passive, 92 00:06:32.839 --> 00:06:35.920 went to work, did my part, and went home. 93 00:06:38.720 --> 00:06:41.759 If people, if they don't take that step, look like 94 00:06:41.800 --> 00:06:44.040 they're happy where they are and don't have any ambition 95 00:06:44.120 --> 00:06:46.240 to move forward. Is that what you're. 96 00:06:46.079 --> 00:06:51.399 Exactly exactly you were saying. It exactly correct that people 97 00:06:51.480 --> 00:06:56.279 will accept you as you present yourself. I want to 98 00:06:56.319 --> 00:07:00.839 say that again for everybody watching. People will accept you 99 00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:05.720 as you present yourself. So if you present yourself as 100 00:07:05.800 --> 00:07:10.079 passive and you are accepting exactly where you are, great, 101 00:07:10.720 --> 00:07:15.279 that's where people see you. But if you're ambitious and 102 00:07:15.319 --> 00:07:19.279 you go forward and you want more, and you

step 103 00:07:19.399 --> 00:07:23.079 forward and you ask for more, you're likely to get it. 104 00:07:25.560 --> 00:07:28.399 So you and your husband have Jim have worked together 105 00:07:28.439 --> 00:07:32.600 for decades. How's your personal partnership influenced your professional work? 106 00:07:33.879 --> 00:07:39.519 Well, we work together beautifully and have enjoyed that enormously. 107 00:07:40.160 --> 00:07:45.000 And in terms of our work, we almost always, when 108 00:07:45.040 --> 00:07:50.839 we're coaching, get hired as a team, And so when 109 00:07:50.920 --> 00:07:56.319 people get coached by both of us, they get my direct, 110 00:07:56.519 --> 00:08:00.480 no nonsense point of view, and Jim is a little 111 00:08:00.519 --> 00:08:04.519 more philosophical and he sees things a little differently, so 112 00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:07.920 they get both of us, They get both points of view. 113 00:08:09.279 --> 00:08:12.199 Do you think the male female balance and representation has 114 00:08:12.240 --> 00:08:12.959 anything to do with that? 115 00:08:13.720 --> 00:08:15.959 Oh, well, you know, I've not thought of it that way, 116 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:20.399 but I think you're probably right, and I think that 117 00:08:20.519 --> 00:08:25.600 is helpful to so many people to have a couple 118 00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:29.959 male and female providing those two different points of view. 119 00:08:32.120 --> 00:08:36.240 Do you kind of switch points of view sometimes or 120 00:08:36.240 --> 00:08:38.000 you pretty much stay we stay in your role. 121 00:08:38.600 --> 00:08:41.600 Well, I think it's not so much even staying in 122 00:08:41.639 --> 00:08:44.519 our role as much as the way we see things. 123 00:08:45.080 --> 00:08:49.159 And so it's hard for me to switch over to 124 00:08:49.279 --> 00:08:52.519 Jim's more philosophical point of view because I just don't 125 00:08:52.600 --> 00:08:58.679 see the world that way. And and and we've enjoyed 126 00:08:58.679 --> 00:09:01.279 it I think that's really Gwill. I think the most 127 00:09:01.320 --> 00:09:05.080 important thing is that we enjoy working together and blending 128 00:09:05.159 --> 00:09:06.919 those two points of view together. 129 00:09:08.399 --> 00:09:11.000 Speaking of work, do you find it work to keep 130 00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:14.840 the relationship clear and the ability to work together? 131 00:09:15.519 --> 00:09:22.799 Not? Really, it's not really work. We've enjoyed the ways 132 00:09:22.840 --> 00:09:27.879 that each of us approached things, and so that has 133 00:09:27.960 --> 00:09:31.200 been really fun. And I don't really not work in 134 00:09:31.240 --> 00:09:34.600 the sense of work, you know, the terrible work. 135 00:09:38.799 --> 00:09:41.960 You've coined the phrase fear of being fabulous? What does 136 00:09:42.039 --> 00:09:44.679 that mean? And how do you come to recognize it? 137 00:09:45.639 --> 00:09:49.519 We discovered that phrase on our first

meeting, on a 138 00:09:49.559 --> 00:09:55.399 blind date, and in discussing the fact that we've both 139 00:09:55.480 --> 00:10:00.320 been actors, both been professional actors, both been paid. I 140 00:10:00.360 --> 00:10:02.919 did a lot of television. I did tons of commercials 141 00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:06.240 and television shows, and Jim did a lot of stage 142 00:10:06.279 --> 00:10:10.279 work and also television shows. And we ended up saying, well, 143 00:10:10.320 --> 00:10:14.120 it seemed like we both had the fear of being fabulous. 144 00:10:14.759 --> 00:10:19.000 And we hung onto that phrase and kept using it 145 00:10:19.440 --> 00:10:23.759 with clients as we were coaching them, and we were saying, wow, 146 00:10:23.799 --> 00:10:27.519 it sounds like you have a fear of being fabulous, 147 00:10:28.759 --> 00:10:34.080 And so often we would talk with people about where, 148 00:10:34.360 --> 00:10:38.159 what was your family like, what did you grow up in? 149 00:10:39.360 --> 00:10:44.559 And very often we would hear some version of what 150 00:10:44.759 --> 00:10:48.240 Jim and I struggled to get out of, which was 151 00:10:49.720 --> 00:10:53.159 both of our fathers were just paying the bills with 152 00:10:53.279 --> 00:10:57.960 their work. My dad sold used cars. He was a hothead, 153 00:10:58.919 --> 00:11:02.440 but he could outsell anybody. And when I say he 154 00:11:02.559 --> 00:11:05.960 was on hat, he had thirty jobs in twenty eight years. 155 00:11:06.360 --> 00:11:08.759 Because he would get mad if he felt like he 156 00:11:08.879 --> 00:11:11.840 was cheated, or he felt anything was going on that 157 00:11:11.879 --> 00:11:15.480 he didn't like, he would just blow up and leaved. 158 00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:18.759 But we grew up in and I grew up in 159 00:11:18.799 --> 00:11:21.519 Los Angeles. We lived in Los Angeles. He could go 160 00:11:21.600 --> 00:11:25.360 anywhere and find another job immediately because he was so 161 00:11:25.639 --> 00:11:32.480 good at selling. So he was good at what he did, 162 00:11:32.639 --> 00:11:35.679 but he could not be ambitious. And that was what 163 00:11:35.799 --> 00:11:38.519 was what Jim and I talked about, was the fear 164 00:11:38.559 --> 00:11:40.720 of being fabulous. 165 00:11:41.279 --> 00:11:45.240 How do unconscious beliefs and internal loyalties quietly hold people 166 00:11:45.240 --> 00:11:46.120 back from success? 167 00:11:47.519 --> 00:11:54.279 There, you nailed it. We believe strongly that people have 168 00:11:54.720 --> 00:11:59.519 unconscious loyalties in many ways to how they were raised 169 00:12:00.879 --> 00:12:06.120 when a child, let me just put it this way, 170 00:12:06.480 --> 00:12:12.320 until the age of seven, you can't. The brain is 171 00:12:12.360 --> 00:12:18.559 not developed enough for you to actually consider alternative ways 172 00:12:18.720 --> 00:12:23.240 to think about things. So if you are told over 173 00:12:23.360 --> 00:12:27.039 and over that you're a rotten little kid, or you're 174 00:12:27.320 --> 00:12:31.360 always getting into trouble, or I I wish I hadn't 175 00:12:31.399 --> 00:12:34.960 never had you, or whatever you might have been told 176 00:12:35.000 --> 00:12:41.720 that was negative or limiting, you believe it. Only when 177 00:12:41.759 --> 00:12:46.360 you get to the age of seven ish does the 178 00:12:46.399 --> 00:12:52.799 brain finally have the maturity to actually be able to 179 00:12:52.960 --> 00:12:59.399 consider huh, my mother told me that I was a 180 00:12:59.480 --> 00:13:03.720 rotten little kid. I don't think I am. I'm doing 181 00:13:03.759 --> 00:13:07.399 well in school. I clean up my room, I help 182 00:13:07.759 --> 00:13:10.080 with the dishes after dinner. I don't think I'm a 183 00:13:10.159 --> 00:13:12.600 rotten kid. I think my mother is having a fit 184 00:13:14.440 --> 00:13:17.840 for some you know, some way of looking at things. 185 00:13:18.039 --> 00:13:20.519 But if you've been told over and over and over 186 00:13:20.799 --> 00:13:23.919 before the age of seven that you are a rotten 187 00:13:23.960 --> 00:13:26.879 little kid, or you know you'll never amount to anything, 188 00:13:27.000 --> 00:13:29.360 you'll never amount to anything. 189 00:13:29.679 --> 00:13:32.840 Well, Judith, it's time for us to take a station break. 190 00:13:33.320 --> 00:13:35.960 Judith and I will return very shortly, so please don't 191 00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:41.080 go away. Is this Mission Evolution www. Dot Mission evolution 192 00:13:41.360 --> 00:13:46.039 dot org is your unconscious mind shooting you in the 193 00:13:46.039 --> 00:13:50.480 foot with This is our discussing the mysterious workings of 194 00:13:50.519 --> 00:13:54.360 the unconscious is Judith Shriven. Judith is the author of 195 00:13:54.919 --> 00:13:59.559 Overcoming the Fear of Being Fabulous. Judith, what's an unconscious 196 00:13:59.559 --> 00:14:02.120 hole back and how does it show up in everyday life? 197 00:14:04.120 --> 00:14:10.600 The most vivid example is when for most people, when 198 00:14:10.639 --> 00:14:15.120 they are paid a compliment, somebody simply says you look 199 00:14:15.200 --> 00:14:20.399 great today, the unconscious kicks in and they say something 200 00:14:20.480 --> 00:14:27.399 like ah, no, biggil. They don't really take it in. 201 00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:32.799 They don't receive because the unconscious is spitting it out 202 00:14:33.080 --> 00:14:36.840 and getting rid of it. So when somebody compliments it, 203 00:14:36.840 --> 00:14:40.879 and so I just want to say to everybody watching, please, 204 00:14:40.960 --> 00:14:45.919 when somebody compliments you, whether it's you look great today, 205 00:14:46.440 --> 00:14:52.080 what a terrific hairdo, whatever it might be, please take 206 00:14:52.159 --> 00:14:57.519 it in, take that moment to let it get inside 207 00:14:57.519 --> 00:15:02.679 of you and register.

Because if you don't, and you 208 00:15:02.799 --> 00:15:05.639 just spit it out and you just say, oh, no 209 00:15:05.759 --> 00:15:14.159 big deal, it doesn't lodge inside your conscious identity. And 210 00:15:14.200 --> 00:15:19.120 what we're after here is to help you become more 211 00:15:19.240 --> 00:15:25.039 conscious of how terrific you actually are. And actually, one 212 00:15:25.080 --> 00:15:28.879 of the things Gwilda that I would just offer is 213 00:15:28.919 --> 00:15:32.639 for people to go look at you are a miracle 214 00:15:32.799 --> 00:15:37.679 dot net. You are a miracle dot net provides a 215 00:15:37.720 --> 00:15:43.559 two minute video about how fabulous you are, how fabulous 216 00:15:43.600 --> 00:15:44.320 you really are. 217 00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:50.000 Why is it so easy for people to listen to 218 00:15:50.120 --> 00:15:53.559 and believe criticism and negative things and yet they can't 219 00:15:53.639 --> 00:15:55.600 let in the positive? What causes that? 220 00:15:56.639 --> 00:16:02.320 Perfect question? If you are raised in a family where 221 00:16:02.399 --> 00:16:07.080 criticism is the rule of the day. Your room is dirty, 222 00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:12.639 pick that up, You're always a mess, whatever it might be. 223 00:16:14.440 --> 00:16:19.960 That's normal. That feels like the healthy, normal way you 224 00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:29.519 are to receive information. Compliments feel strange, They feel irritating. 225 00:16:29.759 --> 00:16:33.720 Some people have even told us they make me feel sick. 226 00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:37.440 I feel sick to my stomach when I hear somebody 227 00:16:37.879 --> 00:16:41.399 rave about my work or rave about how terrific I am. 228 00:16:41.919 --> 00:16:48.399 I can't receive it. It makes me feel nauseated. We 229 00:16:48.600 --> 00:16:53.919 have to really respect how deeply we take in the 230 00:16:53.960 --> 00:16:57.000 information that was given to us before the age of seven, 231 00:16:59.200 --> 00:17:02.159 and if it was critical, and if it was negative, 232 00:17:02.519 --> 00:17:03.519 that feels normal. 233 00:17:06.160 --> 00:17:08.640 We end up running the same tapes for ourselves, even 234 00:17:08.680 --> 00:17:10.920 though there's not someone there to criticize us anymore. 235 00:17:12.599 --> 00:17:21.839 Exactly exactly you know, if somebody is praising us, it's 236 00:17:21.880 --> 00:17:27.000 so easy to just say, oh, well, they're just shining 237 00:17:27.000 --> 00:17:31.000 me on, They're just you know, whatever it might be. 238 00:17:31.160 --> 00:17:34.799 To get rid of the praise that they are sending 239 00:17:34.839 --> 00:17:38.200 you and to diminish it and put it down. 240 00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:42.839 What are the first steps a person can take to 241 00:17:43.039 --> 00:17:46.960 start breaking up those loops and negative thinking. 242 00:17:49.119 --> 00:17:53.359 I would recommend that one of the very first things 243 00:17:53.400 -->

00:18:00.519 that everyone do is receive compliments. Truly, it seems so simple, 244 00:18:01.240 --> 00:18:08.839 but when you let yourself say thank you, as simple 245 00:18:08.839 --> 00:18:12.400 as that, when somebody says you look great today, or 246 00:18:13.039 --> 00:18:15.920 it's such a pleasure having you on my team, whatever 247 00:18:15.960 --> 00:18:21.400 it might be, thank you. And if you could add 248 00:18:21.480 --> 00:18:26.240 I really appreciate that, that would be even better. What 249 00:18:26.279 --> 00:18:31.319 you're wanting to do is take it in own the 250 00:18:31.359 --> 00:18:35.039 fact that they really are pleased to have you on 251 00:18:35.079 --> 00:18:40.279 your team on their team, or they're praising how great 252 00:18:40.319 --> 00:18:43.640 you look today, whatever it might be. Take it in 253 00:18:43.880 --> 00:18:48.640 and own it. It will feel a little uncomfortable at first, 254 00:18:48.680 --> 00:18:53.559 maybe a lot uncomfortable, but it will help you change 255 00:18:53.680 --> 00:18:55.119 how you see yourself. 256 00:18:58.200 --> 00:19:00.640 One of the most common internal blocks you see in 257 00:19:00.680 --> 00:19:02.400 successful professionals and leaders. 258 00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:11.440 Ah, I don't deserve the next promotion. That is one 259 00:19:11.480 --> 00:19:15.920 of the things we hear from people often, even if 260 00:19:15.960 --> 00:19:22.480 they've been promoted, I don't really deserve this. I'm just 261 00:19:23.599 --> 00:19:28.240 going through the motions. Meanwhile, they may be getting praise, 262 00:19:28.920 --> 00:19:32.839 they may even be getting a raise, but if the 263 00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:37.039 internal voice is, you know, cooking along the lines we're 264 00:19:37.039 --> 00:19:41.960 talking about, they are busy saying, I don't know what 265 00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:44.759 they see. I'm doing my best, but I don't think 266 00:19:44.759 --> 00:19:49.319 it's good enough. I don't think it's good enough. That 267 00:19:49.599 --> 00:19:54.160 is what they are talking to themselves about. It doesn't 268 00:19:54.160 --> 00:19:58.960 matter what anybody else sees. They have been taught to 269 00:19:59.079 --> 00:20:02.920 put themselves down or limit how they see their own growth, 270 00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:08.720 their own production in their families of origin, and they 271 00:20:08.720 --> 00:20:12.400 are still being loyal to where they came from rather 272 00:20:12.559 --> 00:20:15.400 than the outer world that they are in now. 273 00:20:16.960 --> 00:20:19.680 Which brings us to the next question. Is a fear 274 00:20:19.720 --> 00:20:22.279 of being fabulous connected with impostor syndrome? 275 00:20:22.359 --> 00:20:27.119 And if ah, of course, of course, of course, of course, 276 00:20:27.799 --> 00:20:32.640 and the impostor syndrome has become such a popular way 277 00:20:32.759 --> 00:20:34.079 of talking about. 278 00:20:33.799 --> 00:20:41.240 This

in these current days. People who get ray, you know, 279 00:20:41.319 --> 00:20:43.440 they get a raise, they get a promotion, and they 280 00:20:43.480 --> 00:20:48.799 feel like an impostor. This is another way of looking 281 00:20:48.839 --> 00:20:54.000 at this, and they are not being an impostor. Really. 282 00:20:56.240 --> 00:21:00.920 People clearly see them as valuable, and they're promotion is 283 00:21:01.079 --> 00:21:06.319 valid and they enjoy working with the person who thinks 284 00:21:06.319 --> 00:21:11.160 they're an impostor. But that little six year old, five 285 00:21:11.240 --> 00:21:15.039 year old voice that was put down in their growing 286 00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:18.880 up years is still running the show, sad to say. 287 00:21:19.559 --> 00:21:23.480 And that's why the impostor syndrome has become so popular 288 00:21:24.039 --> 00:21:28.440 is so many people are struggling to own how magnificent 289 00:21:28.559 --> 00:21:29.440 they really are. 290 00:21:31.839 --> 00:21:35.000 Can you hear a transformational story of someone who overcame 291 00:21:35.039 --> 00:21:35.880 these inner limits? 292 00:21:36.480 --> 00:21:41.039 Ah, I'm thinking of a woman that we coached. I'm 293 00:21:41.039 --> 00:21:43.799 not going to mention her name or the company, but 294 00:21:45.119 --> 00:21:50.720 she was struggling to feel like she belonged on the 295 00:21:50.759 --> 00:21:54.799 team that they had promoted her to and the title 296 00:21:54.920 --> 00:21:59.480 they had given her. And when we said, please give 297 00:21:59.559 --> 00:22:05.920 us some examples of how you are supervising your team 298 00:22:07.480 --> 00:22:12.279 and tell us how that team is succeeding because of 299 00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:18.920 your supervision, she readily mapped out two or three examples. 300 00:22:18.960 --> 00:22:22.160 My memory is that there were three examples of how 301 00:22:22.200 --> 00:22:29.279 she had guided her team to enjoy success and create 302 00:22:29.519 --> 00:22:33.279 the next level of what her team was needing to 303 00:22:33.359 --> 00:22:37.759 do for the company and doing it well. And we said, 304 00:22:38.480 --> 00:22:42.880 so now you did that, that's something you own. You 305 00:22:42.960 --> 00:22:49.519 supervised them, you promoted them into this next permit position. Yes, 306 00:22:49.599 --> 00:22:53.640 she said, yes, oh, yes, what is the difficulty with 307 00:22:53.759 --> 00:23:00.359 you owning it? Well? If I owned it, I would 308 00:23:00.359 --> 00:23:04.359 have to betray my mother, who said women can never 309 00:23:04.440 --> 00:23:06.440 be really good at supervision. 310 00:23:11.519 --> 00:23:12.839 At least she accessed it. 311 00:23:13.880 --> 00:23:14.960 That was the issue. 312 00:23:16.480 --> 00:23:18.799 How common is that? It seems like, you know, a 313 00:23:18.799 --> 00:23:21.559 lot of people hold themselves back because they feel like 314 00:23:21.559 --> 00:23:24.519 they're betraying a parent that they're going to surpass. 315 00:23:25.559 --> 00:23:31.480 Exactly exactly when. I still remember my mother asking me 316 00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:37.599 before Jim and I met, asking me what I charged 317 00:23:37.720 --> 00:23:45.640 for individual psychotherapy. And I told her, and this is 318 00:23:45.680 --> 00:23:49.519 way back, but back then it was one hundred and 319 00:23:49.599 --> 00:23:53.920 seventy five dollars an hour. And I still remember the 320 00:23:53.960 --> 00:24:00.480 look on her face was she didn't She absolutely was 321 00:24:00.640 --> 00:24:08.440 sort of struck by how outrageous it seemed to her. 322 00:24:09.200 --> 00:24:12.799 And my memory is that I tried to cover her 323 00:24:12.960 --> 00:24:16.000 shock by saying something like, I know, that seems like 324 00:24:16.039 --> 00:24:19.119 a lot. Mom. It's a different day than when you 325 00:24:19.160 --> 00:24:24.440 were selling real estate back in your day, but people 326 00:24:24.480 --> 00:24:29.720 pay me. I have a full time practice. I don't 327 00:24:29.720 --> 00:24:31.000 think she ever recovered. 328 00:24:33.480 --> 00:24:37.039 I can understand what's the first step someone we should 329 00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:40.039 take when they realized they're holding themselves back for whatever reason. 330 00:24:42.279 --> 00:24:45.720 It depends on what area that they are holding themselves back. 331 00:24:45.759 --> 00:24:50.400 But if they let me just give a couple more 332 00:24:50.440 --> 00:24:55.400 examples of where people can push themselves out and become 333 00:24:55.880 --> 00:25:02.160 a stronger individual. For instance, and there's so many people 334 00:25:02.160 --> 00:25:07.759 who buy something at the store's on it it's not acceptable, 335 00:25:07.839 --> 00:25:11.759 whatever it might be, whether it's a garment that know, 336 00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:14.119 when they get it home, they try it on again, 337 00:25:14.279 --> 00:25:19.519 it doesn't fit right. They don't take it back. They 338 00:25:19.839 --> 00:25:22.440 give it to the neighbor, or they give it to goodwill, whatever, 339 00:25:22.880 --> 00:25:26.000 they don't take it back. Or they order something in 340 00:25:26.039 --> 00:25:28.640 a restaurant and it comes and it's not the way 341 00:25:28.680 --> 00:25:32.839 they ordered it. They don't say to the waiter, I 342 00:25:32.920 --> 00:25:36.720 need this to be adjusted, and you know I ordered 343 00:25:36.720 --> 00:25:39.359 my stake rare and it came well done, whatever it 344 00:25:39.440 --> 00:25:43.640 might be. Whenever you are not speaking up and taking 345 00:25:43.680 --> 00:25:51.000 care of yourself, you are being a passive victim of 346 00:25:51.039 --> 00:25:56.319 the situation. So any time you feel like you are 347 00:25:56.440 --> 00:26:00.000 being a victim. Anytime you feel like you are being passive, 348 00:26:01.240 --> 00:26:06.119 please please please push yourself out there to

whatever degree 349 00:26:06.200 --> 00:26:11.480 you can and take that item back to the store 350 00:26:11.960 --> 00:26:15.359 or tell the waiter you need this. You know the 351 00:26:15.440 --> 00:26:19.960 soup came cold you wanted You didn't order cold soup. 352 00:26:20.079 --> 00:26:22.960 You ordered hot soup, and you want it. Heat it up. 353 00:26:24.160 --> 00:26:29.720 Speak up for yourself, Do not be a victim. 354 00:26:30.279 --> 00:26:32.359 Is there another side of that where a person can 355 00:26:32.400 --> 00:26:34.799 be too aggressive and put it off on everybody else? 356 00:26:36.400 --> 00:26:41.240 Wow, I've not really thought about putting it on everybody else. 357 00:26:41.640 --> 00:26:48.680 But if they are blaming other people, then we're into 358 00:26:48.720 --> 00:26:53.920 some other dynamic that you know is an issue and 359 00:26:54.039 --> 00:26:56.759 we have to find out why they want to blame 360 00:26:56.880 --> 00:27:02.799 everybody else. But the issue really is why aren't they 361 00:27:02.839 --> 00:27:03.559 taking care. 362 00:27:03.400 --> 00:27:07.559 Of themselves and making it about somebody else. Well, it's 363 00:27:07.640 --> 00:27:10.680 time for us to take another station break. Judith and 364 00:27:10.720 --> 00:27:13.119 I will be right back to continue our discussion. So 365 00:27:13.200 --> 00:27:17.599 you stay right there. This is Mission Evolution www. Dot 366 00:27:17.680 --> 00:27:23.720 Mission evolution dot org. Are you stuck in an old zone? 367 00:27:24.119 --> 00:27:27.359 This is Mission Evolution, Mission evolution dot Org with us 368 00:27:27.440 --> 00:27:31.640 discussing evolving beyond our comfort zone. Is Judish Shirvan her 369 00:27:31.680 --> 00:27:36.599 website overcoming the fear of being fabulous dot com? Judith, 370 00:27:36.640 --> 00:27:39.440 are there simple daily practices people can use to expand 371 00:27:39.440 --> 00:27:40.559 beyond the comfort zones. 372 00:27:41.920 --> 00:27:48.039 Yes, and what I've already mentioned, which is accepting compliments. 373 00:27:48.119 --> 00:27:52.079 Please please accept your compliments. But also in terms of 374 00:27:52.359 --> 00:28:00.559 daily habits. Oh, for instance, a lot of people throw 375 00:28:00.680 --> 00:28:05.279 on old, grubby clothes because they're working at home, and 376 00:28:05.359 --> 00:28:10.640 who cares? But why do that? Why let yourself feel 377 00:28:10.680 --> 00:28:15.519 grubby even though you're working at home. Get dressed up. 378 00:28:15.720 --> 00:28:18.079 I don't mean dressed up like fancy to go out 379 00:28:18.440 --> 00:28:22.119 and have a party. I mean just get dressed and 380 00:28:22.279 --> 00:28:25.920 feel good about yourself, so that no matter who you're 381 00:28:25.960 --> 00:28:30.039 talking with, no matter what you're doing, you feel like 382 00:28:30.240 --> 00:28:35.599 you are a professional person at home. And even if 383 00:28:35.640 --> 00:28:38.799 what you're

doing is being a housewife and you have 384 00:28:39.759 --> 00:28:42.880 a lot of things you're doing around the house, that 385 00:28:43.079 --> 00:28:48.039 is your profession, that is who you are professionally, you 386 00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:54.079 are a housewife, and do it well. Whatever you are doing, 387 00:28:54.640 --> 00:29:01.160 make sure that you feel responsible and professional about yourself. 388 00:29:03.000 --> 00:29:05.599 I think that that is the best way that people 389 00:29:05.640 --> 00:29:11.440 can feel good about themselves and extend out how they 390 00:29:11.480 --> 00:29:12.519 are coming across. 391 00:29:15.240 --> 00:29:18.680 How do people deal with fear criticism or self doubt 392 00:29:18.720 --> 00:29:20.680 when stepping into greater visibility. 393 00:29:21.799 --> 00:29:25.160 Well, isn't that an interesting question? You know, if you 394 00:29:25.359 --> 00:29:34.519 have received criticism, check within does it fit? Maybe not, 395 00:29:35.480 --> 00:29:38.920 maybe it doesn't fit at all, And which case you 396 00:29:39.000 --> 00:29:42.440 can say, well, thanks for your opinion, but I don't 397 00:29:42.440 --> 00:29:47.200 agree with you. I don't see it that way. If 398 00:29:47.240 --> 00:29:53.880 it does fit, wow, here's an opportunity to grow. Please 399 00:29:54.079 --> 00:29:57.680 help me understand even more fully what you're talking about. 400 00:29:58.160 --> 00:30:01.559 I want to grow in to what you are seeing 401 00:30:01.640 --> 00:30:07.799 that I'm possibly How am I trying to say this? 402 00:30:08.400 --> 00:30:11.759 That I want to grow into how you are seeing 403 00:30:11.880 --> 00:30:16.240 that I can be, So please help me describe it 404 00:30:16.279 --> 00:30:20.640 more fully for me. You know, I look back guilda 405 00:30:21.319 --> 00:30:26.200 years ago. One of my acting agents back in New 406 00:30:26.279 --> 00:30:29.039 York City, this is after college. He said, I'd like 407 00:30:29.160 --> 00:30:36.119 to become your manager for you as an actor. Without 408 00:30:36.240 --> 00:30:40.400 asking him anything about what that meant for him to 409 00:30:40.440 --> 00:30:45.279 become my manager and not just my agent, I said, no, 410 00:30:46.759 --> 00:30:48.960 I need to go back to Los Angeles and get 411 00:30:49.000 --> 00:30:52.599 married because that's how I've been raised. That's what my 412 00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:56.240 parents had and guided me to do, was get married. Well, 413 00:30:56.279 --> 00:30:59.319 I didn't meet Jim for twenty two more years after that, 414 00:31:00.200 --> 00:31:03.599 and sure I went with different men, and I was 415 00:31:03.640 --> 00:31:06.799 engaged to be engaged with a couple of men, but 416 00:31:06.960 --> 00:31:09.759 it was twenty two more years before I met Jim 417 00:31:09.799 --> 00:31:14.599 and actually got married. I didn't have a discussion with 418 00:31:15.160 --> 00:31:18.119 this agent who wanted to manage my acting career. I 419 00:31:18.160 --> 00:31:20.720 did say, what do you have in mind? How do 420 00:31:20.799 --> 00:31:25.400 you see how this would unfold? I didn't ask for 421 00:31:25.480 --> 00:31:29.359 more information. I just cut him off and said, no, 422 00:31:29.720 --> 00:31:32.039 I need to go back to Los Angeles and get married. 423 00:31:33.960 --> 00:31:35.200 One opportunity lost. 424 00:31:36.400 --> 00:31:37.640 Isn't that the truth. 425 00:31:38.680 --> 00:31:42.240 From your experience? What patterns separate truly successful teams from 426 00:31:42.359 --> 00:31:43.240 those that struggle? 427 00:31:44.200 --> 00:31:47.759 Oh goodness. One of the things we've seen for teams 428 00:31:47.839 --> 00:31:55.519 that really succeed is that they hold meetings where the 429 00:31:55.680 --> 00:32:01.599 entire team is present and they provide step by step 430 00:32:01.759 --> 00:32:06.119 executions on what they're going to do next, and they 431 00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:09.720 get input from everybody on the team of what that 432 00:32:09.920 --> 00:32:14.119 means for them, what behaviors they are going to execute 433 00:32:14.200 --> 00:32:20.000 to get there. Teams that are having trouble, We've coached 434 00:32:21.000 --> 00:32:24.160 so many teams over the years. Teams that are having 435 00:32:24.240 --> 00:32:31.119 trouble are busy ignoring the troublemakers. If there are troublemakers, 436 00:32:31.119 --> 00:32:34.160 and there certainly have been, and they ignore them rather 437 00:32:34.200 --> 00:32:40.480 than saying Candy or Cindy or whatever, stop stop interrupting, 438 00:32:40.799 --> 00:32:45.440 stop doing this, whatever it might be, and really rain 439 00:32:45.519 --> 00:32:48.759 that person in or even get rid of that person. 440 00:32:49.960 --> 00:32:53.920 If you can't join us as a team member more fully, 441 00:32:54.440 --> 00:32:56.920 we're going to have to find you know, we're going 442 00:32:57.000 --> 00:32:59.039 to have to cancel your membership in this team. You're 443 00:32:59.039 --> 00:33:01.079 gonna have to find another job here at the company, 444 00:33:01.480 --> 00:33:05.119 whatever it might be. The teams that are having trouble 445 00:33:05.480 --> 00:33:09.559 do not function as a team. I think that's the 446 00:33:09.640 --> 00:33:13.799 easiest way to say it. Is they they hold out 447 00:33:14.000 --> 00:33:18.720 for the strong performers and the people that are not 448 00:33:18.880 --> 00:33:24.039 doing well, they just carry them along. But it ruins 449 00:33:24.119 --> 00:33:27.119 the professionalism of the team. 450 00:33:27.759 --> 00:33:29.119 So everybody has to hold their weight. 451 00:33:30.559 --> 00:33:34.160 Yes, you want on a team. You want everybody holding 452 00:33:34.200 --> 00:33:39.839 their weight and doing their job professionally, excellently, and so 453 00:33:39.880 --> 00:33:42.359 that every time you meet as a team, everybody is 454 00:33:42.400 --> 00:33:43.640

reporting success. 455 00:33:45.799 --> 00:33:49.960 What's the difference between external success and deeply fulfilling success? 456 00:33:50.559 --> 00:33:56.440 Ah? Wow, you know. Deeply fulfilling success is when you 457 00:33:56.759 --> 00:34:02.039 internally feel you accomplished what you set out to do 458 00:34:02.119 --> 00:34:07.920 and you did it well by your own standards. From 459 00:34:07.920 --> 00:34:12.360 the external, they may have praised you way early on, 460 00:34:13.679 --> 00:34:17.760 and you're not ready to receive that praise quite quite yet. 461 00:34:20.079 --> 00:34:24.280 But you do. You say, you know, thanks, but inside 462 00:34:24.360 --> 00:34:28.880 you know that for your own self self fulfillment, you 463 00:34:29.000 --> 00:34:33.320 need to push a little harder. Does that answer what 464 00:34:33.360 --> 00:34:34.119 you're looking for? 465 00:34:34.320 --> 00:34:38.199 Yeah, it really does. It really does. How do person 466 00:34:38.360 --> 00:34:41.440 How does personal identity influence leadership effectiveness? 467 00:34:43.719 --> 00:34:49.159 We coached a woman years ago whose personal identity because 468 00:34:49.159 --> 00:34:57.360 of how she'd been raised, was pretty shaky. But the 469 00:34:57.440 --> 00:35:00.039 person that referred her to us, who was a a 470 00:35:00.159 --> 00:35:06.760 senior member of a particular company, saw her potential and 471 00:35:06.840 --> 00:35:10.079 we had to work with her on terms in terms 472 00:35:10.119 --> 00:35:15.639 of how she was seeing herself, not just guiding her 473 00:35:15.679 --> 00:35:19.920 to take on more responsibility, which she was willing to do, 474 00:35:20.840 --> 00:35:25.000 but also to begin to own more and more and 475 00:35:25.079 --> 00:35:33.239 more her expertise and her ability to learn so that 476 00:35:33.320 --> 00:35:36.519 she could grow and she as she did so, she 477 00:35:36.639 --> 00:35:40.800 moved from being a manager, a new manager all the 478 00:35:40.840 --> 00:35:45.559 way up to being an SVP a senior vice president 479 00:35:46.400 --> 00:35:50.239 before she retired. It was very fun to watch her 480 00:35:50.239 --> 00:35:53.000 and we got to coach her all through that whole process. 481 00:35:53.039 --> 00:35:55.199 It was several years. 482 00:35:55.039 --> 00:36:00.159 And fasty very fulfilling for you, very it was very fulfilling. 483 00:36:00.199 --> 00:36:04.039 And it was also marvelous to see when she would 484 00:36:04.880 --> 00:36:08.320 on her own say, you know, I think it's time 485 00:36:08.360 --> 00:36:13.320 for me to go and speak publicly. Such and such 486 00:36:13.800 --> 00:36:16.039 such and such a group has asked me to come speak, 487 00:36:16.559 --> 00:36:19.079 not part of the company, but someplace else, and I'm 488 00:36:19.079 --> 00:36:22.400 going to do it. It's like, yes, perfect, go do it. 489 00:36:22.880 --> 00:36:26.760 And she had to grow as a speaker. She used 490 00:36:26.760 --> 00:36:30.719 to wobble back and forth, you know, she used to shuffle. 491 00:36:31.119 --> 00:36:37.440 It's like, stop that. But working with us, we helped 492 00:36:37.440 --> 00:36:40.000 her just grow in so many ways. 493 00:36:41.519 --> 00:36:43.400 What does authentic confidence look like. 494 00:36:45.000 --> 00:36:51.920 I think authentic confidence is firm. When you meet somebody 495 00:36:52.039 --> 00:36:56.079 who is really solid and firm in their selfhood, in 496 00:36:56.159 --> 00:37:01.719 their identity, you can feel it. You feel from them 497 00:37:01.880 --> 00:37:07.119 that they know who they are. They've grown a great deal, 498 00:37:08.280 --> 00:37:12.039 They've gone through all kinds of challenges, and who you 499 00:37:12.079 --> 00:37:17.559 are meeting is solid. They are solid in their identity. 500 00:37:20.440 --> 00:37:23.079 What advice would you give someone stepping into high pressure 501 00:37:23.199 --> 00:37:27.440 leadership role for the first time whoa well, I. 502 00:37:28.000 --> 00:37:31.920 Would urge them to get a coach to work with somebody, 503 00:37:31.920 --> 00:37:35.559 whether it's a therapist or a coach, somebody that can 504 00:37:35.719 --> 00:37:45.119 help them unload their discomfort, their insecurities and work through 505 00:37:45.960 --> 00:37:51.159 how they need to grow in order to fulfill what 506 00:37:51.239 --> 00:37:55.159 the company is asking them to do in this high 507 00:37:55.159 --> 00:38:01.400 power job. And not use anybody in the company to 508 00:38:01.519 --> 00:38:05.039 talk about how insecure they feel. That is not going 509 00:38:05.119 --> 00:38:07.559 to help them, But to be able to talk to 510 00:38:07.639 --> 00:38:13.159 a coach or a therapist and unload that insecurity and 511 00:38:13.440 --> 00:38:16.639 work through it and then go back into the workplace 512 00:38:17.199 --> 00:38:20.519 and be more solid, execute more fully. 513 00:38:21.159 --> 00:38:26.159 Yes, you talk about keys to creating a new life. 514 00:38:26.920 --> 00:38:29.440 What's one key everybody needs to hear about right now? 515 00:38:32.159 --> 00:38:37.360 Well, certainly I've already mentioned it. I'm going to say 516 00:38:37.360 --> 00:38:45.719 it again. Accepting compliments is absolutely key. So many people 517 00:38:45.760 --> 00:38:50.599 have difficulty receiving praise and compliments. I think the other 518 00:38:51.480 --> 00:38:59.400 key issue is knowing what you want next and working 519 00:38:59.519 --> 00:39:04.760 toward it. Other people may not be seeing this, but 520 00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:08.079 you know that you are working toward your next promotion 521 00:39:08.800 --> 00:39:11.840 or your next job. You may want to lose, you know, 522 00:39:11.960 --> 00:39:15.480 leave the job you're in and go elsewhere, and you 523 00:39:15.559 --> 00:39:20.519 are doing the back the background work to make that happen. 524 00:39:21.119 --> 00:39:23.360

Other people may not see you doing that. At all, 525 00:39:23.920 --> 00:39:28.440 But we would encourage you to keep growing. I think 526 00:39:28.599 --> 00:39:31.880 is the most important thing is to keep doing more 527 00:39:32.360 --> 00:39:33.519 of who you really are. 528 00:39:35.840 --> 00:39:38.719 Can you tell us about your being fabulous in business work? 529 00:39:38.840 --> 00:39:40.239 Who benefits the most from it? 530 00:39:41.039 --> 00:39:45.199 Being fabulous in business dot com? Being fabulous in business 531 00:39:45.199 --> 00:39:53.960 dot com? Who benefits the most? Certainly, growing who you 532 00:39:54.159 --> 00:40:00.159 are in your role in the company benefits you you 533 00:40:00.440 --> 00:40:05.320 the most, but also benefits your manager, benefits your team, 534 00:40:05.440 --> 00:40:09.920 benefits the company. Every time you take a larger step 535 00:40:10.239 --> 00:40:16.920 into responsibility, into calling attention to what needs to happen next, 536 00:40:17.800 --> 00:40:20.519 that helps you grow, and it helps your team grow, 537 00:40:20.519 --> 00:40:21.639 it helps the company grow. 538 00:40:24.400 --> 00:40:27.079 Seems like it's pretty important to not just settle or 539 00:40:27.119 --> 00:40:30.039 get stuck in a rut and to keep moving forward. 540 00:40:30.039 --> 00:40:31.320 From what you've been saying. 541 00:40:31.400 --> 00:40:37.320 Well, exactly, I think so many people do just get 542 00:40:37.400 --> 00:40:41.400 stuck in a rut in their work. They do their job. 543 00:40:42.679 --> 00:40:48.360 And for some people that's fine. They don't aspire to 544 00:40:48.519 --> 00:40:52.679 growing at all. They're happy with their home life, they're 545 00:40:52.719 --> 00:40:55.920 happy with their job, they're happy with their income. Fine, 546 00:40:56.679 --> 00:41:01.800 we accept that. But for so many other people it's 547 00:41:01.920 --> 00:41:04.440 really important to grow. 548 00:41:04.280 --> 00:41:06.719 Keep growing. Well, it's time for us to take another 549 00:41:06.760 --> 00:41:09.760 station break, Judith and I will continue to explore the 550 00:41:09.800 --> 00:41:13.960 reaches of human potential. This is Mission Evolution, Mission Evolution 551 00:41:14.320 --> 00:41:20.000 dot org. Can you be fabulous? This is Mission Evolution, 552 00:41:20.119 --> 00:41:26.159 Mission Evolution dot org. We're continuing our discussion with Judith Shavin. Judith, 553 00:41:26.440 --> 00:41:30.000 how did writing books and developing programs expand your impact 554 00:41:30.079 --> 00:41:31.639 beyond one on one coaching? 555 00:41:32.119 --> 00:41:36.840 Ah? Well, of course when people buy our books and 556 00:41:38.760 --> 00:41:45.519 read them, even Jim's fiction books, it helps people grow. 557 00:41:45.719 --> 00:41:50.239 We've had people say, wow, I grew up just like this. 558 00:41:50.639 --> 00:41:54.639 I'm referring to some of Jim's books, and Ambition to 559 00:41:54.679 -->

00:41:57.920 Belong is one of Jim's and it was partly fiction 560 00:41:58.119 --> 00:42:04.679 but partly true. It's called faction now these days, and 561 00:42:04.840 --> 00:42:07.320 people have written to us and said, wow, I grew 562 00:42:07.400 --> 00:42:13.400 up just like that, and it has helped me to 563 00:42:13.480 --> 00:42:19.920 feel more confident at going forward. I think what gwilda. 564 00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:22.599 I think in terms of getting our books out there, 565 00:42:22.719 --> 00:42:27.360 getting our workshops out there, and overcoming the fear of 566 00:42:27.360 --> 00:42:34.719 being fabulous. Dot com Forward Slash Workshop is what helps people. 567 00:42:34.800 --> 00:42:37.760 And people have written to us and said, wow, that 568 00:42:37.960 --> 00:42:43.239 was so intense and so private. Helped me change my 569 00:42:43.400 --> 00:42:50.239 relationship with how I grew up, helped me grow, helped 570 00:42:50.280 --> 00:42:54.039 me get out there more. I think anything that helps, 571 00:42:54.199 --> 00:42:58.480 whether it's the workshops or books, anything besides the coaching 572 00:42:59.239 --> 00:43:04.679 that helps people feel more confident, feel more settled in 573 00:43:04.840 --> 00:43:09.920 who they have become, and realize that, yes, their job, 574 00:43:11.039 --> 00:43:16.280 their basic job is to leave home. And I know 575 00:43:16.360 --> 00:43:18.880 that a lot of people hearing me say that may 576 00:43:18.960 --> 00:43:21.920 be thinking no, no, no, you're supposed to stay loyal 577 00:43:21.960 --> 00:43:25.639 to your family. Yes, you can stay loyal in terms 578 00:43:25.719 --> 00:43:29.639 of going home for the holidays, whatever it might be, 579 00:43:29.800 --> 00:43:34.320 phone calls every week. That's fine. But what's not fine 580 00:43:35.119 --> 00:43:38.719 is if you stay stuck in their idea of who 581 00:43:38.760 --> 00:43:43.480 you are. You need to become more of who you 582 00:43:43.639 --> 00:43:48.440 think you are, who you want to become, who you 583 00:43:48.480 --> 00:43:54.800 want to be, and let yourself grow into that larger, 584 00:43:55.000 --> 00:44:03.199 more present, more capable, more excellent person. And sometimes people 585 00:44:03.360 --> 00:44:07.400 need a push. I just I remember a woman stopping 586 00:44:07.480 --> 00:44:09.920 us on the street when we lived in a little 587 00:44:09.960 --> 00:44:14.159 town Wyndham, New York, and she said, my fiance and 588 00:44:14.239 --> 00:44:17.039 I have been fighting and arguing with each other, and 589 00:44:18.280 --> 00:44:21.239 beloved for who you really are. Really helped me see that, 590 00:44:21.360 --> 00:44:24.960 of course you're going to argue, and it's okay, and 591 00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:27.599 we both relaxed and I was like, okay, we can 592 00:44:27.639 --> 00:44:29.199 go up back to planning our wedding. 593 00:44:33.039 --> 00:44:36.239 Jude, what does being fabulous mean to you on a 594 00:44:36.280 --> 00:44:37.480 deeper personal level? 595 00:44:37.960 --> 00:44:48.280 Oh? Thank you. My husband notices and sort of chuckles 596 00:44:48.320 --> 00:44:52.360 once in a while that every day, no matter whether 597 00:44:52.480 --> 00:44:55.039 we are ever leaving the house or not, I put 598 00:44:55.039 --> 00:45:00.880 my makeup on, I get dressed. I feel no more 599 00:45:01.039 --> 00:45:06.840 fabulous when I am put together. Some people just throw 600 00:45:06.880 --> 00:45:09.119 themselves together on days that they're just going to go 601 00:45:09.159 --> 00:45:12.679 to the gym or hang out. I never have. I've 602 00:45:12.719 --> 00:45:17.800 always felt like being fabulous means being all that I 603 00:45:17.840 --> 00:45:22.480 can be. And whether it's being on your show and 604 00:45:22.719 --> 00:45:27.679 enjoying being with you or going to the gym later, 605 00:45:27.920 --> 00:45:36.719 which we will, either way, I get to be fabulous. 606 00:45:36.920 --> 00:45:39.519 How do you continue growing and staying inspired in your 607 00:45:39.519 --> 00:45:41.000 own life? 608 00:45:41.239 --> 00:45:44.719 Well, isn't that a question? And certainly I'm no spring 609 00:45:44.800 --> 00:45:52.719 chicken anymore. I think it's taking on new roles, learning more. 610 00:45:53.079 --> 00:45:56.280 My husband and I just spent the weekend at a workshop. 611 00:45:57.599 --> 00:46:01.159 What it was about is not reletant, but we were 612 00:46:01.199 --> 00:46:05.840 there to learn and we did and actually signed up 613 00:46:05.880 --> 00:46:11.119 for the next course. What we see is that people 614 00:46:11.679 --> 00:46:18.880 end up getting retired and sometimes end up depressed because 615 00:46:19.159 --> 00:46:24.639 nothing's going on in their lives except get up, watch television, 616 00:46:25.159 --> 00:46:29.159 you know, go play golf, Get up, go want you know, 617 00:46:29.239 --> 00:46:32.800 go watch television, play golf. It's the same old, same old. 618 00:46:33.599 --> 00:46:38.880 There's no need for that. When you are of any age, 619 00:46:39.440 --> 00:46:43.360 make sure that you are enjoying being who you are 620 00:46:44.440 --> 00:46:49.599 and learning more out in the world or internally. It 621 00:46:49.639 --> 00:46:55.639 doesn't matter what you choose to do. Expand, expand expand. 622 00:46:57.320 --> 00:46:59.119 I know there have been studies down that show that, 623 00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:02.599 particularly as we age, if we just get into a 624 00:47:02.679 --> 00:47:07.840 rut and do the mundanea our cognitive abilities decrease rapidly, 625 00:47:07.920 --> 00:47:11.280 where if we keep engaging new things and keep creative, 626 00:47:11.639 --> 00:47:14.320 they don't. Is that play in with what you're telling 627 00:47:14.360 --> 00:47:15.760 us here exactly. 628 00:47:15.880 --> 00:47:20.239 That fits perfectly with what you just said, keep growing 629 00:47:20.840 --> 00:47:24.840 no matter

your age. Maybe you've seen Dick van Dyke 630 00:47:24.880 --> 00:47:26.159 who just turned one hundred. 631 00:47:26.599 --> 00:47:28.159 I know it isn't that amazing. 632 00:47:28.480 --> 00:47:31.519 Listen, that terrific And he works out every day. He 633 00:47:31.519 --> 00:47:33.199 doesn't go to the gym, but he has a whole 634 00:47:33.239 --> 00:47:38.840 workout program that I've seen on MSN news, and that's 635 00:47:38.920 --> 00:47:42.559 part of how he sees that he has helped himself 636 00:47:42.639 --> 00:47:48.280 stay really quite confident as he turns to one hundred 637 00:47:48.360 --> 00:47:51.280 years old, and who knows how old he'll be when 638 00:47:51.320 --> 00:47:53.480 he finally departs this planet. 639 00:47:54.199 --> 00:48:00.679 What an inspiration? Exactly exactly what belief about human potential? 640 00:48:00.719 --> 00:48:02.400 Do you think most people underestimate? 641 00:48:03.239 --> 00:48:05.800 Oh goodness, I think we just talked about it. I 642 00:48:05.800 --> 00:48:12.599 think people underestimate the power of growing, the power of learning, 643 00:48:13.079 --> 00:48:18.079 the power of doing new things. They underestimate how much 644 00:48:18.159 --> 00:48:21.480 that influence is how they feel about being alive. 645 00:48:24.480 --> 00:48:29.679 Let's talk about identity. Okay, it seems like a lot 646 00:48:29.719 --> 00:48:32.599 of people, most of us, actually identify with what we've 647 00:48:32.599 --> 00:48:36.280 been told about ourselves, or identify with the criticism we get, 648 00:48:37.360 --> 00:48:40.199 but really don't have any clues to what our true 649 00:48:40.639 --> 00:48:43.639 inner being is or our true potential. Do you find 650 00:48:43.679 --> 00:48:46.079 that to be true? And if so, what's your advice 651 00:48:46.119 --> 00:48:47.199 on getting out of that loop? 652 00:48:47.719 --> 00:48:51.000 Well? Yes, and we do see that happening so often 653 00:48:51.039 --> 00:48:56.000 with people that and I've already said make sure that 654 00:48:56.039 --> 00:49:00.480 you go to youaramiracle dot net to see the minute 655 00:49:00.559 --> 00:49:06.039 video we put together. Because people need to understand that 656 00:49:06.599 --> 00:49:11.800 they cannot be someone else, They cannot be who their 657 00:49:11.880 --> 00:49:15.679 parents wanted them to be. They can only be who 658 00:49:15.800 --> 00:49:24.119 they actually are. So when you underestimate your competence, when 659 00:49:24.159 --> 00:49:28.840 you underestimate your gifts, when you underestimate how unique you are, 660 00:49:30.880 --> 00:49:34.840 that is going to leave you a bit depressed and 661 00:49:35.880 --> 00:49:42.079 tired and bored, and often you're not living a very 662 00:49:42.119 --> 00:49:47.760 full life. But when you expand into your unique self, 663 00:49:49.400 --> 00:49:50.559 who knows what you might do. 664 00:49:52.280 --> 00:49:55.480 How about identifying with where we are in life, like, oh, 665 00:49:55.480 --> 00:49:57.960 I'm a mother, and then oh I'm an older person, 666 00:49:58.039 --> 00:50:02.239 or then I'm an ancient person. Do we limit ourselves 667 00:50:02.239 --> 00:50:03.400 with those identities? 668 00:50:03.840 --> 00:50:07.480 Oh? I think so, I think very much so. I 669 00:50:07.519 --> 00:50:12.800 think my mother, for instance, she saw herself as a 670 00:50:12.880 --> 00:50:17.159 mother all her life. Even later when she started selling 671 00:50:17.199 --> 00:50:21.440 real estate and did very well, I think she still 672 00:50:23.400 --> 00:50:28.280 viewed herself as the mother of myself and my brother, 673 00:50:28.360 --> 00:50:33.840 I have a younger brother, way too much and was 674 00:50:33.920 --> 00:50:37.239 too For instance, my brother and his wife have two kids, 675 00:50:37.840 --> 00:50:44.480 and she got very involved in what was her grandchildren, 676 00:50:44.519 --> 00:50:48.440 but their children, such that they had to move out 677 00:50:48.519 --> 00:50:53.320 of state to get my mother to stop being intrusive 678 00:50:53.440 --> 00:51:00.599 and pesky about being a grandmother. But back then she 679 00:51:00.639 --> 00:51:04.159 was selling real estate and she was not seeing herself 680 00:51:04.159 --> 00:51:07.199 that way. I hope that answered what you were saying. 681 00:51:07.280 --> 00:51:10.960 I got it, really does, It really does, because if 682 00:51:10.960 --> 00:51:14.480 we get stuck in a role, everybody around him suffers 683 00:51:14.519 --> 00:51:17.519 for it. Seems like, yes, yes. 684 00:51:17.679 --> 00:51:25.079 Truly, she I I. Well, she's deceased. So she was 685 00:51:25.199 --> 00:51:30.480 trying to feed my grand it would be my nephew, 686 00:51:31.400 --> 00:51:41.079 her grandson, cupcakes for breakfast. She thought he was too skinny. Well, yes, 687 00:51:41.280 --> 00:51:44.599 she grew up in the depression. There were days she 688 00:51:44.719 --> 00:51:48.360 told us that if she had an orange, that was 689 00:51:49.199 --> 00:51:51.039 all the food that she would have in the day 690 00:51:52.039 --> 00:51:55.559 because she grew up during the Depression in Iowa, in 691 00:51:57.760 --> 00:52:04.400 the city. My brother and I both were fed malted milk, 692 00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:09.679 banana malted milks at bedtime. Why because she thought we 693 00:52:09.679 --> 00:52:13.679 were too skinny. We've each struggled with our weight our 694 00:52:13.719 --> 00:52:18.440 whole lives because of that. So to stop my mother 695 00:52:18.519 --> 00:52:23.519 from feeding cupcakes to her grandson, my brother and his 696 00:52:23.559 --> 00:52:26.559 wife and family, they moved to another state. 697 00:52:28.400 --> 00:52:30.039 That's sad, and that's sad. 698 00:52:30.800 --> 00:52:32.800 They could not get her to stop it. 699 00:52:34.360 --> 00:52:36.599 That depression left a lot of wounds on a lot 700 00:52:36.639 --> 00:52:37.119 of people. 701

00:52:37.719 --> 00:52:40.159 Yes, indeed, well it's that time. 702 00:52:40.199 --> 00:52:41.960 And this showed you. When I get to ask you, 703 00:52:42.079 --> 00:52:42.840 what's your mission? 704 00:52:43.599 --> 00:52:48.480 Ah? My mission now is to grow another leg of 705 00:52:48.519 --> 00:52:56.119 our career and to develop that arm of what we're doing. 706 00:52:57.239 --> 00:52:59.119 We're not in place yet to do it, so I'm 707 00:52:59.119 --> 00:53:02.159 not going to mention exactly what it is. But it's 708 00:53:02.199 --> 00:53:09.039 certainly requiring growth. It's requiring me to overcome some anxiety 709 00:53:09.079 --> 00:53:15.119 about it, and I'm also aware that it's also creating 710 00:53:15.280 --> 00:53:20.880 excitement and I'm learning, I'm having to learn more, and 711 00:53:21.000 --> 00:53:21.559 it's all good. 712 00:53:23.400 --> 00:53:25.519 Pushing beyond our limitations once again. 713 00:53:25.639 --> 00:53:31.039 Yes, yes, yes, always exactly pushing. And I'm still in 714 00:53:31.159 --> 00:53:33.719 really good health, so why not? 715 00:53:34.320 --> 00:53:38.840 Why not? Well, Judah, Unfortunately we are out of time. 716 00:53:38.960 --> 00:53:40.719 I can't thank you enough for coming on the show 717 00:53:40.760 --> 00:53:41.719 and sharing your wisdom. 718 00:53:42.679 --> 00:53:46.039 It's my pleasure and it's been a pleasure speaking with 719 00:53:46.159 --> 00:53:49.800 you and sharing all kinds of information with your audience. 720 00:53:51.360 --> 00:53:55.079 My guest today has been Judith Chavin, PhD. To find 721 00:53:55.119 --> 00:53:57.360 out more about Judith and all she has to offer 722 00:53:57.519 --> 00:54:02.000 visitor website overcoming the fear of being fabulous dot com. 723 00:54:02.719 --> 00:54:05.960 If there's one message to take from this conversation, its 724 00:54:06.000 --> 00:54:10.559 growth doesn't require becoming someone new. It requires releasing what 725 00:54:10.639 --> 00:54:15.280 no longer serves who you really are. Evolution begins with awareness. 726 00:54:15.880 --> 00:54:19.119 When we bring light into our unconscious beliefs, we gain 727 00:54:19.159 --> 00:54:22.519 the freedom to choose differently, live more fully, and step 728 00:54:22.559 --> 00:54:26.840 into our lives with confidence and purpose. If today's conversation 729 00:54:26.960 --> 00:54:29.840 resonated with you, take a moment to reflect on where 730 00:54:29.880 --> 00:54:32.639 you might be holding yourself back, not out of fear 731 00:54:32.639 --> 00:54:37.679 of failure, but out of fear of shining. Ungolded Wyeka. 732 00:54:37.719 --> 00:54:41.280 And this has been Mission Evolution, where transformation begins with 733 00:54:41.360 --> 00:54:45.800 truth and evolution begins within. For more information or to 734 00:54:45.880 --> 00:54:51.079 enjoy past archived episodes, visit Mission evolution dot org. But 735 00:54:51.239 --> 00:54:54.199 please be sure to join us again right here next time, 736 00:54:54.280 --> 00:54:59.079 as this mission will continue bringing information, resources, and support 737 00:54:59.480 --> 00:55:01.159 to our rapidly evolving world.