Autistic Burnout (What it's Been Like)
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[00:00:00]
Speaker: I walked into the cabin
Speaker 2: and I just couldn't. move. I couldn't think. I couldn't function. I sat down on the bed and just glitched is the only way I can describe it. My mom found me there some minutes later. I don't know how
Speaker: long I was sitting there like that. She helped me figure out what I was doing, but that was the first of many times this past summer
Speaker 2: that I just completely stopped functioning.
I just powered down, staring into space. I could no longer think. Or plan or process or move.
Speaker 7: If you want to learn how you can live better with PMDD, this podcast was created for [00:01:00] you. This is mindfulness for PMDD with Diane. I'm Diane and I'm a registered dietitian and lactation consultant. I'm also a mom, a PMDD warrior. And a trauma informed mindfulness teacher. And this is where I discuss topics related to PMDD through the lens of mindfulness and meditation, and where I share all about how mindfulness has gotten me to a place of greater peace and acceptance with my PMDD.
I also chat with people who have helped and inspired me along the way, so they can share their wisdom with you too. So let's get started.
This podcast is not a substitute for psychological therapy or medical advice. Please take care when listening to this podcast, as some may find certain words or subjects triggering or difficult to hear. Take only what serves you and leave the rest behind.
Speaker: . So [00:02:00] in my last solo episode I talked about how I recently learned that I am autistic and this week I wanted to talk about autistic burnout because I also found out at the same time or had it confirmed that I also was in autistic burnout at the time of my last diagnosis and I continue to be in autistic burnout now, although I'm definitely moving my way through it and in a much better place than I was this past summer.
And so I want to talk about that today. What burnout has been like for me and how it kind of kicked off and how I discovered it was burnout. Because, and I said this in my last solo episode, but I feel like [00:03:00] when I was beginning to wonder if I might be autistic, I was looking for lots. More real stories, like people's experiences. And since I, and since I couldn't find enough of that when I was searching for it, what I want to do now is share my version of what it is
Speaker 2: I was looking for, my experience. So, I have been in
Speaker: burnout since this summer, so I'm recording this in October 2024, and I've been in burnout since about June or July. And I'll get into exactly what that has meant to me, but the background info to know is that I started looking into getting an autism assessment around late spring.
And that process was taking a little while. The [00:04:00] process of finding people who can do the assessment, who have experience with females and people assigned female at birth and specifically. Late diagnoses, and also people who maybe could take FSA, HSA you know, insurance
Speaker 2: coverage
Speaker: for an autism assessment
Speaker 2: is not
Speaker: super common or readily available, not super easy to find, but some people do take FSA, HSA, and As we moved into summer and as I got an assessment actually scheduled, at that point I began to ease up on all the research on autism that I had been doing and shifted my focus into preparing for summer and, [00:05:00] you know, then getting ourselves settled.
We live in Austin now, but we spend summer in New York, which is where we're from.
Speaker 2: And so there's a big transition period
Speaker: of tying up loose ends in Austin, getting ourselves packed, flying to New York, and then getting settled in a new space and a new routine in New York. And this can take a couple of weeks, which can be grueling because I thrive on routine and consistency. Looking back now, I realized that I would find ways.
Even back when it was just my husband and me traveling, I would find ways to build a routine and consistency into trips, whether that be getting our coffee from the same exact spot every morning or building in themes like we [00:06:00] have to hit a sporting event at each trip or each stop Anyhow, for whatever reason, this past summer, I struggled.
To get us
Speaker 2: into a good routine and really get myself into a good routine, right? And to, and to get myself feeling settled quickly enough.
We started out in a hotel before moving into our
Speaker: space for the summer. And then there were a couple of road trips in the first few weekends. And lots of
Speaker 2: family catch up time overall, like throughout the summer. Now,
I, I realized pretty early on
Speaker: that living out of suitcases for a while and adjusting to lots of different places
Speaker 2: was already taking a toll on me.
And then there was a [00:07:00] big family camping trip
Speaker: with maybe upwards of Twenty five people and I was overwhelmed. It didn't matter that this was family and close friends. This was intense and overwhelming. Add to this that it rained, everything was wet, muddy, noisy, my things weren't in convenient accessible
Speaker 2: places.
And I was just slowly unraveling.
I remember at
Speaker: one point my son was at the central like cooking and eating and socializing area in the middle of all the campsites that my family had. He was eating dinner. I was feeling too scattered and overwhelmed to prepare myself anything yet. And I needed to run back to our cabin to get him something we'd forgotten, right?
A drink or something.
Speaker 2: And
Speaker: I walked into the [00:08:00] cabin
Speaker 2: and I just couldn't. move. I couldn't think. I couldn't function. I sat down on the bed and just glitched is the only way I can describe it. My mom found me there some minutes later. I don't know how
Speaker: long I was sitting there like that. She helped me figure out what I was doing, but that was the first of many times this past summer
Speaker 2: that I just completely stopped functioning.
I just powered down, staring into space. I could no longer think. Or plan or process or move.
And on that trip, I thought a lot about how family gatherings were always, in a
Speaker: way,
Speaker 2: [00:09:00] dissatisfying for me for as long as I can remember and a source of anxiety.
Speaker: Because even though it was family and friends and people I love and people I do want to be around and spend time with. It was
Speaker 2: still too much noise, too much activity, too many people, too much, you know, having lots of light conversation all around.
Speaker: Too much joking around. Too much talking about things I couldn't relate to, right? I've never done well with just like making light conversation. The little jokes that people make with each other when they feel
Speaker 2: close with each other. And there's [00:10:00] so much throughout my whole life
Speaker: that, or so many times I just have felt like I just don't get it.
I don't understand why people like what they like and are interested in what they're interested in and do what they do. I just don't get it. So gatherings like that, you know, parties are just like big kind of social family gatherings were always very hard for me. And then add onto that the fact that I have a tremendous family.
And so it would just be like. Sensory overload.
Speaker 2: This has always been an issue for me. Around this time, I also like reflected on the fact that I had developed this habit
Speaker: and, and maybe also. A stim, in a way, because I'm, I'm using it to regulate myself, right? But [00:11:00] basically what I do if I'm in like a large group of people, if I'm at a party, if I'm at some kind of gathering, if I'm at some sort of conference, what if I'm at a wedding, what I end up doing is walking around the room.
In this case, it was a campsite right this summer, but I just kind of, I just kind of start walking around the room and I just keep moving. Just, I kind of say, like, I'm like a shark, and I just keep moving. I can't really stop moving, and I'm sort of, like, pacing around, or making circles around the room, and I don't know if I'm successful at this, but in my head, Maybe makes me look like I'm still engaging with people
and moving around from group to group, talking with this person, talking with that person, because I do like stop here and there, right? And say hi, or [00:12:00] kind of pretend like I'm getting involved in the conversation before moving on again. And so I'm trying to make my presence known again. I don't know how successful I am at this, but in my mind, this is what I'm doing.
It's like trying to participate in the event without actually having to
Speaker 2: engage.
Anyway, I somehow made it through that. Camping trip, and I managed to drive myself and my son and our dog back to New York. My mom had come on the drive with us
Speaker: to the campgrounds. Thank goodness I had her support for that because I was really overwhelmed at the amount of driving I had to do to get there.
When we came back, she wasn't with us. But we did meet [00:13:00] up with my husband about halfway back to where we stay in, in New York. And so, thankfully, there were no big issues or meltdowns for any of us in the car on the way to meet with my husband,
Speaker 2: you know, after a couple hours drive. So made it back, but here's the thing from after that camping trip, I was never able to recover.
Speaker: So remember looking back, I now see that this all kind of started creeping in before the camping trip where it was just too much. Not getting into a groove for me, like living out of suitcases, taking all these little side trips, seeing lots of different people that had already been a lot that was already pushing me to my edge.
The camping trip pushed me to this place that felt like a point of no return, like it felt like I wasn't going to survive that. And then after that camping [00:14:00] trip, it felt like I was never able to recover. And what, what I mean by that is, One, like, technically, here we are in October, and I, like I said, I still feel like I'm still in burnout, even though it's much better.
But, at that time, in summer, coming out of that camping trip, it was just horrific for the whole rest of summer. And it was feeling this crushing exhaustion, and like I had to rest
Speaker 2: all the time. It was having meltdowns.
It was feeling like I couldn't communicate what
Speaker: was happening to me, so it would just kind of like, melt down, like, lash out. It was also shutting down and going internally and not being able to
Speaker 2: speak at [00:15:00] all or connect at all. It was suddenly finding myself unable
Speaker: to think, plan, read, study,
Speaker 2: write, or process any sort of information.
It was even so that I,
Speaker: not only could I not work, but I couldn't even do the things that I enjoy, like knitting, reading, even listening to an audio book or watching TV was too much. Like any amount of information coming in was too much information to process. I've been learning to crochet. I do that to, you know, these videos that you watch, video tutorials.
That was too much information to take in and fuddle along. That's usually a happy place for me, right? That's usually a relaxing activity, a [00:16:00] grounding activity. No, couldn't do that. Knitting, I can do without videos and without even much referencing of a pattern. Could not do that. That was way too much. It was all too much.
I basically could only just stare into space or
Speaker 2: sleep. Now,
Speaker: remember, I'm a mom, so I had to keep going somehow, and to some extent. Thankfully, my son was in summer camp, and I'd try to rest while he was actively in camp each day. But it totally started to feel like my body and my brain had shut down on me.
That they were demanding.
Speaker 2: That I stopped, which I guess really is what was happening, right? I think that really is just what burnout [00:17:00] is.
It was even more than all that though. I, I lost my words.
Speaker: So I either lost access to words entirely or I would like switch words out. So I kept saying, for example, ice
Speaker 2: instead of glass. And it was scary.
Speaker 5: Hey, PMDD friend. If you want to be the first to know when a new episode is coming out, head to the show notes to join the mindfulness for PMDD email list. I'll send you a heads up when I've scheduled a new episode to be published. I'll also give you sneak peeks at topics I'm working on and guests that I've booked.
And maybe you can even submit your requests and suggestions for upcoming episodes. Get on the list of the show notes below this episode.
Speaker 2: This part is really important.
Speaker: This was happening outside of PMDD, meaning this was happening outside [00:18:00] of the luteal phase.
I was certain of it once we got to about six to seven straight weeks of this. And I guess when I say this is really important, what I mean is, at the time, that was very important to me in terms of showing me that this, in fact, was something different from PMDD, because remember, I had not yet
Speaker 2: had my autism assessment at this time.
Now I remember
Speaker: I had already been researching autism prior to the summer and I was awaiting an assessment, but I hadn't had my assessment yet while all this was happening. And I had heard a little bit about autistic burnout. So when this was happening and when it was getting really bad and freaking me out, I went back to try to understand
Speaker 2: more about autistic burnout.
I,
again, reading or even
Speaker: [00:19:00] listening to audio or watching a video were near impossible, but I was so desperate to understand what was happening to me that I, I did my best, and one of the things that stuck out to me was I managed to find something that really clearly laid out possible symptoms. And I think it was like bulleted and or an infographic, something that I could, like, made it easier, not easy, but easier to take in the information.
And having this information about what burnout can look like, I began to think
Speaker 2: for sure that this was what I was experiencing. And
And intuitively, I felt like
Speaker: it was coming from an inability to have my routines, my consistency, my safe [00:20:00] spaces, my quiet alone time
Speaker 2: that I need, and my things that make me happy. You know, including what I now know
Speaker: is called like special interests. I was not. Able to really immerse myself in my special interests and the things that make me feel safe and happy for far too long
Speaker 2: at one stretch.
And oh my gosh, the socializing. Our neighbors would sit
Speaker: outside every day, gathered together in a group, chatting. It looked very lovely for them, and they're all very lovely people.
Speaker 2: But the thing
Speaker: is, it felt like they were always there whenever we'd come and go. In the afternoons anyway, not so much in the morning time, but this was every afternoon. [00:21:00] And so it felt like, to me, it felt like a confrontation almost, like a crossing of boundaries to always have people sitting right there kind of saying hello or wanting to make some small talk right by the threshold of my safe space.
I had to talk to people in order to reach my sanctuary. And if I didn't want to talk to people, I had to find a way to just kind of like, you know, put on a smile, maybe do a quick wave, put my head down, run up to the door. There's sort of like a back way I can go around to our back door. So often I would make it look like I needed to go the back way for some reason, even though they'd already seen me, kind of.
You know, I park, you park, I have to explain this, I guess, now, you, you park on the front side, they can see me from where I've parked, but I might go [00:22:00] around the back way because I just can't do it. I don't know if that makes any sense, but that's what it was. It felt like in order to reach the place that I feel safe, I had to still conquer this obstacle of having a group of people who I felt like I needed to say hi to, make small talk with.
If I try to pass them and not do it, they might try to engage with me, and that felt like too much. It felt almost like
Speaker 2: some weird, like, video game or something.
Basically, by the end of summer,
Speaker: I had gotten to a point where my physical, mental, and cognitive symptoms were so severe that, like I said, I wondered if I'd ever come out of it. It felt like some new state I had entered into that felt permanent. You know? And if I did come out of it, when was [00:23:00] that gonna be?
And how was that gonna happen? Because it just felt impossible that I should be able to come out of this new state. Eventually, summer in New York came to a close. I didn't think I could survive the flight back to Austin, including just the whole experience of the airport and the
Speaker 2: sensory shit show that that is.
But I did. I survived. And as soon as we got back home, this was
Speaker: so interesting, I felt like this immediate shift. I did not feel better, but I felt the possibility of better and the potential for better. I could see the path to better, which was to get back to my routine, to my safe space, to the things that make me happy.[00:24:00]
I shortly after we got back to Austin, I did have my assessment. you And not only was autism confirmed, but my assessor also confirmed that I was, in fact, in autistic burnout. I actually, it wasn't so much a confirmation because I don't think I asked. I think I described what I was experiencing at present at the time of the assessment.
And this person said, yeah, burnout,
Speaker 2: you know,
and they confirmed what I had learned,
Speaker: which is that I really, I needed to rest. And that the next step was to find it within myself or see if I could find it within myself to be okay, giving myself what I need to say no to the things that don't work for me and my brain, even if these things are things that are expected by me.
Society in general, or [00:25:00] by my own social network or own family. So I've been resting. I plan my days with a maximum of like one to two things to accomplish.
Speaker 2: And
Speaker: I feel like I need to say that it's not lost on me that I am really fortunate and privileged to be able to do that. To be able to go, Hey, look, I'm This is what I'm doing right now.
This is what I'm focusing on is just resting and don't look to me to get anything more than like one to two things done on any given day. That's not
Speaker 2: something that everyone can do, but slowly I've been getting my energy back, my ability to read. Or to talk to people, to plan, I [00:26:00] have been able to knit,
Speaker: build furniture, plan a trip.
So I'm, I'm coming back, but I do avoid a lot of social interaction and sensory stimuli. I mean, a lot. I just draw a hard line where I have to, I've said no to parties and gatherings. I left a doctor's office recently after waiting like 50 minutes in a chilly room where I was smelling all kinds of perfume and people were sitting far too near to me and not having all these side conversations.
And I was still not being called back to be seen. I just had to leave. I have noticed that PMDD and the luteal phase worsen my autistic traits. I've also noticed that [00:27:00] burnout worsens all of it. Burnout worsens the luteal phase, and the PMDD symptoms, and the
Speaker 2: autistic traits.
I feel very, very raw,
Speaker: very sensitive. Like my nerves are raw. Like my brain is literally exposed. During the last few weeks, Five or so days before my period. And within, I would say the first three days of my period, it is especially bad. Everything's just super heightened.
Speaker 2: I'm nesting as much as possible.
Speaker: You know, as best that I can, as much as I can while still being the primary parent and the keeper of the home and the manager of the life admin,
Speaker 2: and I still feel the effects of burnout.
And [00:28:00] I recently.
Speaker: You know, it's not perfect. Like recently I thought I was feeling better enough for us to have like this tiny little road trip side trip, not too far from here, just for some like hiking and stargazing and. Yeah, I mean, I guess I shoulda, coulda, woulda known that doing this trip while still in burnout and in the last few days leading up to my period probably wouldn't be a good idea.
I still planned it. We still went and yeah, you know, it was not, it was kind of, it was rough at times. It was raw. I'm still physically tired earlier in the day, most days. And I'm just done engaging with people or, you know, accepting sensory stimuli into my [00:29:00] life so much sooner than I would have been in the past.
Meaning. When I do engage or when I do kind of allow myself to be in a, in an environment that has a lot of sensory stimulus it hits me, like I feel it so much
Speaker 2: sooner or in like,
Speaker: Maybe the intensity is so much worse
Speaker 2: than like, maybe in the past, I don't know if I'm explaining that good. And, but I'm coming out of it.
I'm coming out of burnout slowly. I can feel that
Speaker: this burnout, you know, that started back in June or July was horrific and super intense. Back then. Now it's October. It's still there, but it's so much better. I will get out of it. You know, it's, we're, we're coming along, [00:30:00] but that, so that's what I wanted to share.
That's been my experience of, of autistic burnout, and I felt like I didn't have enough. Stories like these to help me get a better sense of that experience might look like, whether or not I felt like I could relate to it at all. So I'm, so I'm wanting to
Speaker 2: share stuff like this now in the hopes that it can help someone else.
So that's it for now.
Speaker: The next episode I plan to post another one of my Interview episodes where I interview an expert on a subject related to PMDD. But after that, for right now anyway, I feel like my solo casts will focus on subjects related [00:31:00] to my Experiences as a late diagnosed autistic person and probably will also include, you know, how my PMDD is related to it.
Thank you so much for listening. There's a link in the show notes if you want to be in touch and I will talk to you soon.
Speaker 6: Thank you so much for listening. If you liked the show, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. For links to everything mentioned in this episode, you can check out the show notes and you can find me, Dianda Jesus on Instagram at mindfulness for PMDD. Now, I invite you to pause, take a breath, and look around.
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[00:00:00]
Speaker: I walked into the cabin
Speaker 2: and I just couldn't. move. I couldn't think. I couldn't function. I sat down on the bed and just glitched is the only way I can describe it. My mom found me there some minutes later. I don't know how
Speaker: long I was sitting there like that. She helped me figure out what I was doing, but that was the first of many times this past summer
Speaker 2: that I just completely stopped functioning.
I just powered down, staring into space. I could no longer think. Or plan or process or move.
Speaker 7: If you want to learn how you can live better with PMDD, this podcast was created for [00:01:00] you. This is mindfulness for PMDD with Diane. I'm Diane and I'm a registered dietitian and lactation consultant. I'm also a mom, a PMDD warrior. And a trauma informed mindfulness teacher. And this is where I discuss topics related to PMDD through the lens of mindfulness and meditation, and where I share all about how mindfulness has gotten me to a place of greater peace and acceptance with my PMDD.
I also chat with people who have helped and inspired me along the way, so they can share their wisdom with you too. So let's get started.
This podcast is not a substitute for psychological therapy or medical advice. Please take care when listening to this podcast, as some may find certain words or subjects triggering or difficult to hear. Take only what serves you and leave the rest behind.
Speaker: . So [00:02:00] in my last solo episode I talked about how I recently learned that I am autistic and this week I wanted to talk about autistic burnout because I also found out at the same time or had it confirmed that I also was in autistic burnout at the time of my last diagnosis and I continue to be in autistic burnout now, although I'm definitely moving my way through it and in a much better place than I was this past summer.
And so I want to talk about that today. What burnout has been like for me and how it kind of kicked off and how I discovered it was burnout. Because, and I said this in my last solo episode, but I feel like [00:03:00] when I was beginning to wonder if I might be autistic, I was looking for lots. More real stories, like people's experiences. And since I, and since I couldn't find enough of that when I was searching for it, what I want to do now is share my version of what it is
Speaker 2: I was looking for, my experience. So, I have been in
Speaker: burnout since this summer, so I'm recording this in October 2024, and I've been in burnout since about June or July. And I'll get into exactly what that has meant to me, but the background info to know is that I started looking into getting an autism assessment around late spring.
And that process was taking a little while. The [00:04:00] process of finding people who can do the assessment, who have experience with females and people assigned female at birth and specifically. Late diagnoses, and also people who maybe could take FSA, HSA you know, insurance
Speaker 2: coverage
Speaker: for an autism assessment
Speaker 2: is not
Speaker: super common or readily available, not super easy to find, but some people do take FSA, HSA, and As we moved into summer and as I got an assessment actually scheduled, at that point I began to ease up on all the research on autism that I had been doing and shifted my focus into preparing for summer and, [00:05:00] you know, then getting ourselves settled.
We live in Austin now, but we spend summer in New York, which is where we're from.
Speaker 2: And so there's a big transition period
Speaker: of tying up loose ends in Austin, getting ourselves packed, flying to New York, and then getting settled in a new space and a new routine in New York. And this can take a couple of weeks, which can be grueling because I thrive on routine and consistency. Looking back now, I realized that I would find ways.
Even back when it was just my husband and me traveling, I would find ways to build a routine and consistency into trips, whether that be getting our coffee from the same exact spot every morning or building in themes like we [00:06:00] have to hit a sporting event at each trip or each stop Anyhow, for whatever reason, this past summer, I struggled.
To get us
Speaker 2: into a good routine and really get myself into a good routine, right? And to, and to get myself feeling settled quickly enough.
We started out in a hotel before moving into our
Speaker: space for the summer. And then there were a couple of road trips in the first few weekends. And lots of
Speaker 2: family catch up time overall, like throughout the summer. Now,
I, I realized pretty early on
Speaker: that living out of suitcases for a while and adjusting to lots of different places
Speaker 2: was already taking a toll on me.
And then there was a [00:07:00] big family camping trip
Speaker: with maybe upwards of Twenty five people and I was overwhelmed. It didn't matter that this was family and close friends. This was intense and overwhelming. Add to this that it rained, everything was wet, muddy, noisy, my things weren't in convenient accessible
Speaker 2: places.
And I was just slowly unraveling.
I remember at
Speaker: one point my son was at the central like cooking and eating and socializing area in the middle of all the campsites that my family had. He was eating dinner. I was feeling too scattered and overwhelmed to prepare myself anything yet. And I needed to run back to our cabin to get him something we'd forgotten, right?
A drink or something.
Speaker 2: And
Speaker: I walked into the [00:08:00] cabin
Speaker 2: and I just couldn't. move. I couldn't think. I couldn't function. I sat down on the bed and just glitched is the only way I can describe it. My mom found me there some minutes later. I don't know how
Speaker: long I was sitting there like that. She helped me figure out what I was doing, but that was the first of many times this past summer
Speaker 2: that I just completely stopped functioning.
I just powered down, staring into space. I could no longer think. Or plan or process or move.
And on that trip, I thought a lot about how family gatherings were always, in a
Speaker: way,
Speaker 2: [00:09:00] dissatisfying for me for as long as I can remember and a source of anxiety.
Speaker: Because even though it was family and friends and people I love and people I do want to be around and spend time with. It was
Speaker 2: still too much noise, too much activity, too many people, too much, you know, having lots of light conversation all around.
Speaker: Too much joking around. Too much talking about things I couldn't relate to, right? I've never done well with just like making light conversation. The little jokes that people make with each other when they feel
Speaker 2: close with each other. And there's [00:10:00] so much throughout my whole life
Speaker: that, or so many times I just have felt like I just don't get it.
I don't understand why people like what they like and are interested in what they're interested in and do what they do. I just don't get it. So gatherings like that, you know, parties are just like big kind of social family gatherings were always very hard for me. And then add onto that the fact that I have a tremendous family.
And so it would just be like. Sensory overload.
Speaker 2: This has always been an issue for me. Around this time, I also like reflected on the fact that I had developed this habit
Speaker: and, and maybe also. A stim, in a way, because I'm, I'm using it to regulate myself, right? But [00:11:00] basically what I do if I'm in like a large group of people, if I'm at a party, if I'm at some kind of gathering, if I'm at some sort of conference, what if I'm at a wedding, what I end up doing is walking around the room.
In this case, it was a campsite right this summer, but I just kind of, I just kind of start walking around the room and I just keep moving. Just, I kind of say, like, I'm like a shark, and I just keep moving. I can't really stop moving, and I'm sort of, like, pacing around, or making circles around the room, and I don't know if I'm successful at this, but in my head, Maybe makes me look like I'm still engaging with people
and moving around from group to group, talking with this person, talking with that person, because I do like stop here and there, right? And say hi, or [00:12:00] kind of pretend like I'm getting involved in the conversation before moving on again. And so I'm trying to make my presence known again. I don't know how successful I am at this, but in my mind, this is what I'm doing.
It's like trying to participate in the event without actually having to
Speaker 2: engage.
Anyway, I somehow made it through that. Camping trip, and I managed to drive myself and my son and our dog back to New York. My mom had come on the drive with us
Speaker: to the campgrounds. Thank goodness I had her support for that because I was really overwhelmed at the amount of driving I had to do to get there.
When we came back, she wasn't with us. But we did meet [00:13:00] up with my husband about halfway back to where we stay in, in New York. And so, thankfully, there were no big issues or meltdowns for any of us in the car on the way to meet with my husband,
Speaker 2: you know, after a couple hours drive. So made it back, but here's the thing from after that camping trip, I was never able to recover.
Speaker: So remember looking back, I now see that this all kind of started creeping in before the camping trip where it was just too much. Not getting into a groove for me, like living out of suitcases, taking all these little side trips, seeing lots of different people that had already been a lot that was already pushing me to my edge.
The camping trip pushed me to this place that felt like a point of no return, like it felt like I wasn't going to survive that. And then after that camping [00:14:00] trip, it felt like I was never able to recover. And what, what I mean by that is, One, like, technically, here we are in October, and I, like I said, I still feel like I'm still in burnout, even though it's much better.
But, at that time, in summer, coming out of that camping trip, it was just horrific for the whole rest of summer. And it was feeling this crushing exhaustion, and like I had to rest
Speaker 2: all the time. It was having meltdowns.
It was feeling like I couldn't communicate what
Speaker: was happening to me, so it would just kind of like, melt down, like, lash out. It was also shutting down and going internally and not being able to
Speaker 2: speak at [00:15:00] all or connect at all. It was suddenly finding myself unable
Speaker: to think, plan, read, study,
Speaker 2: write, or process any sort of information.
It was even so that I,
Speaker: not only could I not work, but I couldn't even do the things that I enjoy, like knitting, reading, even listening to an audio book or watching TV was too much. Like any amount of information coming in was too much information to process. I've been learning to crochet. I do that to, you know, these videos that you watch, video tutorials.
That was too much information to take in and fuddle along. That's usually a happy place for me, right? That's usually a relaxing activity, a [00:16:00] grounding activity. No, couldn't do that. Knitting, I can do without videos and without even much referencing of a pattern. Could not do that. That was way too much. It was all too much.
I basically could only just stare into space or
Speaker 2: sleep. Now,
Speaker: remember, I'm a mom, so I had to keep going somehow, and to some extent. Thankfully, my son was in summer camp, and I'd try to rest while he was actively in camp each day. But it totally started to feel like my body and my brain had shut down on me.
That they were demanding.
Speaker 2: That I stopped, which I guess really is what was happening, right? I think that really is just what burnout [00:17:00] is.
It was even more than all that though. I, I lost my words.
Speaker: So I either lost access to words entirely or I would like switch words out. So I kept saying, for example, ice
Speaker 2: instead of glass. And it was scary.
Speaker 5: Hey, PMDD friend. If you want to be the first to know when a new episode is coming out, head to the show notes to join the mindfulness for PMDD email list. I'll send you a heads up when I've scheduled a new episode to be published. I'll also give you sneak peeks at topics I'm working on and guests that I've booked.
And maybe you can even submit your requests and suggestions for upcoming episodes. Get on the list of the show notes below this episode.
Speaker 2: This part is really important.
Speaker: This was happening outside of PMDD, meaning this was happening outside [00:18:00] of the luteal phase.
I was certain of it once we got to about six to seven straight weeks of this. And I guess when I say this is really important, what I mean is, at the time, that was very important to me in terms of showing me that this, in fact, was something different from PMDD, because remember, I had not yet
Speaker 2: had my autism assessment at this time.
Now I remember
Speaker: I had already been researching autism prior to the summer and I was awaiting an assessment, but I hadn't had my assessment yet while all this was happening. And I had heard a little bit about autistic burnout. So when this was happening and when it was getting really bad and freaking me out, I went back to try to understand
Speaker 2: more about autistic burnout.
I,
again, reading or even
Speaker: [00:19:00] listening to audio or watching a video were near impossible, but I was so desperate to understand what was happening to me that I, I did my best, and one of the things that stuck out to me was I managed to find something that really clearly laid out possible symptoms. And I think it was like bulleted and or an infographic, something that I could, like, made it easier, not easy, but easier to take in the information.
And having this information about what burnout can look like, I began to think
Speaker 2: for sure that this was what I was experiencing. And
And intuitively, I felt like
Speaker: it was coming from an inability to have my routines, my consistency, my safe [00:20:00] spaces, my quiet alone time
Speaker 2: that I need, and my things that make me happy. You know, including what I now know
Speaker: is called like special interests. I was not. Able to really immerse myself in my special interests and the things that make me feel safe and happy for far too long
Speaker 2: at one stretch.
And oh my gosh, the socializing. Our neighbors would sit
Speaker: outside every day, gathered together in a group, chatting. It looked very lovely for them, and they're all very lovely people.
Speaker 2: But the thing
Speaker: is, it felt like they were always there whenever we'd come and go. In the afternoons anyway, not so much in the morning time, but this was every afternoon. [00:21:00] And so it felt like, to me, it felt like a confrontation almost, like a crossing of boundaries to always have people sitting right there kind of saying hello or wanting to make some small talk right by the threshold of my safe space.
I had to talk to people in order to reach my sanctuary. And if I didn't want to talk to people, I had to find a way to just kind of like, you know, put on a smile, maybe do a quick wave, put my head down, run up to the door. There's sort of like a back way I can go around to our back door. So often I would make it look like I needed to go the back way for some reason, even though they'd already seen me, kind of.
You know, I park, you park, I have to explain this, I guess, now, you, you park on the front side, they can see me from where I've parked, but I might go [00:22:00] around the back way because I just can't do it. I don't know if that makes any sense, but that's what it was. It felt like in order to reach the place that I feel safe, I had to still conquer this obstacle of having a group of people who I felt like I needed to say hi to, make small talk with.
If I try to pass them and not do it, they might try to engage with me, and that felt like too much. It felt almost like
Speaker 2: some weird, like, video game or something.
Basically, by the end of summer,
Speaker: I had gotten to a point where my physical, mental, and cognitive symptoms were so severe that, like I said, I wondered if I'd ever come out of it. It felt like some new state I had entered into that felt permanent. You know? And if I did come out of it, when was [00:23:00] that gonna be?
And how was that gonna happen? Because it just felt impossible that I should be able to come out of this new state. Eventually, summer in New York came to a close. I didn't think I could survive the flight back to Austin, including just the whole experience of the airport and the
Speaker 2: sensory shit show that that is.
But I did. I survived. And as soon as we got back home, this was
Speaker: so interesting, I felt like this immediate shift. I did not feel better, but I felt the possibility of better and the potential for better. I could see the path to better, which was to get back to my routine, to my safe space, to the things that make me happy.[00:24:00]
I shortly after we got back to Austin, I did have my assessment. you And not only was autism confirmed, but my assessor also confirmed that I was, in fact, in autistic burnout. I actually, it wasn't so much a confirmation because I don't think I asked. I think I described what I was experiencing at present at the time of the assessment.
And this person said, yeah, burnout,
Speaker 2: you know,
and they confirmed what I had learned,
Speaker: which is that I really, I needed to rest. And that the next step was to find it within myself or see if I could find it within myself to be okay, giving myself what I need to say no to the things that don't work for me and my brain, even if these things are things that are expected by me.
Society in general, or [00:25:00] by my own social network or own family. So I've been resting. I plan my days with a maximum of like one to two things to accomplish.
Speaker 2: And
Speaker: I feel like I need to say that it's not lost on me that I am really fortunate and privileged to be able to do that. To be able to go, Hey, look, I'm This is what I'm doing right now.
This is what I'm focusing on is just resting and don't look to me to get anything more than like one to two things done on any given day. That's not
Speaker 2: something that everyone can do, but slowly I've been getting my energy back, my ability to read. Or to talk to people, to plan, I [00:26:00] have been able to knit,
Speaker: build furniture, plan a trip.
So I'm, I'm coming back, but I do avoid a lot of social interaction and sensory stimuli. I mean, a lot. I just draw a hard line where I have to, I've said no to parties and gatherings. I left a doctor's office recently after waiting like 50 minutes in a chilly room where I was smelling all kinds of perfume and people were sitting far too near to me and not having all these side conversations.
And I was still not being called back to be seen. I just had to leave. I have noticed that PMDD and the luteal phase worsen my autistic traits. I've also noticed that [00:27:00] burnout worsens all of it. Burnout worsens the luteal phase, and the PMDD symptoms, and the
Speaker 2: autistic traits.
I feel very, very raw,
Speaker: very sensitive. Like my nerves are raw. Like my brain is literally exposed. During the last few weeks, Five or so days before my period. And within, I would say the first three days of my period, it is especially bad. Everything's just super heightened.
Speaker 2: I'm nesting as much as possible.
Speaker: You know, as best that I can, as much as I can while still being the primary parent and the keeper of the home and the manager of the life admin,
Speaker 2: and I still feel the effects of burnout.
And [00:28:00] I recently.
Speaker: You know, it's not perfect. Like recently I thought I was feeling better enough for us to have like this tiny little road trip side trip, not too far from here, just for some like hiking and stargazing and. Yeah, I mean, I guess I shoulda, coulda, woulda known that doing this trip while still in burnout and in the last few days leading up to my period probably wouldn't be a good idea.
I still planned it. We still went and yeah, you know, it was not, it was kind of, it was rough at times. It was raw. I'm still physically tired earlier in the day, most days. And I'm just done engaging with people or, you know, accepting sensory stimuli into my [00:29:00] life so much sooner than I would have been in the past.
Meaning. When I do engage or when I do kind of allow myself to be in a, in an environment that has a lot of sensory stimulus it hits me, like I feel it so much
Speaker 2: sooner or in like,
Speaker: Maybe the intensity is so much worse
Speaker 2: than like, maybe in the past, I don't know if I'm explaining that good. And, but I'm coming out of it.
I'm coming out of burnout slowly. I can feel that
Speaker: this burnout, you know, that started back in June or July was horrific and super intense. Back then. Now it's October. It's still there, but it's so much better. I will get out of it. You know, it's, we're, we're coming along, [00:30:00] but that, so that's what I wanted to share.
That's been my experience of, of autistic burnout, and I felt like I didn't have enough. Stories like these to help me get a better sense of that experience might look like, whether or not I felt like I could relate to it at all. So I'm, so I'm wanting to
Speaker 2: share stuff like this now in the hopes that it can help someone else.
So that's it for now.
Speaker: The next episode I plan to post another one of my Interview episodes where I interview an expert on a subject related to PMDD. But after that, for right now anyway, I feel like my solo casts will focus on subjects related [00:31:00] to my Experiences as a late diagnosed autistic person and probably will also include, you know, how my PMDD is related to it.
Thank you so much for listening. There's a link in the show notes if you want to be in touch and I will talk to you soon.
Speaker 6: Thank you so much for listening. If you liked the show, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. For links to everything mentioned in this episode, you can check out the show notes and you can find me, Dianda Jesus on Instagram at mindfulness for PMDD. Now, I invite you to pause, take a breath, and look around.
