WEBVTT
00:00:06.879 --> 00:00:09.039
This is Mindfully Her episode 3.
00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:15.759
Today on Mindfully Her, we're discussing what it means to love someone through difficult seasons while still protecting your own peace.
00:00:15.919 --> 00:00:20.719
When someone you love is experiencing mental health challenges, it can affect the entire family.
00:00:20.879 --> 00:00:25.440
You may feel helpless, you may feel confused, you may wonder what to say or what to do.
00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:33.200
Understanding that supporting someone does not mean carrying everything for them unless their health warrants that type of care.
00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:36.640
You can love someone deeply but still set up boundaries.
00:00:36.799 --> 00:00:37.759
This protects you.
00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:40.640
You can be compassionate and still take care of you.
00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:42.799
You can be present without losing yourself.
00:00:42.880 --> 00:00:45.679
Let's talk about the difference between supporting and rescuing.
00:00:45.920 --> 00:00:55.920
So most of the time we think in our mind, you know, if someone's asking me for help, I gotta fix this, make this right, make this perfect, and do such and such and such and resolve the issue.
00:00:56.159 --> 00:00:59.759
We have to remember that everything can't just be fixed all the time.
00:00:59.920 --> 00:01:02.719
It doesn't warrant that type of response.
00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:06.079
Support looks totally different from rescuing someone.
00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:14.159
We assume that we need to rescue because we get the call, or because there is an emergency, or because there's some type of issue.
00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:17.680
Supporting someone is sometimes all that's necessary.
00:01:17.840 --> 00:01:20.159
There may not be a need to rescue.
00:01:20.400 --> 00:01:29.519
And the most information that you'll receive for knowing which direction to go in is from the person that needs the rescuing or supporting.
00:01:29.599 --> 00:01:38.560
You just gotta have those conversations, whether they're the hard ones or normal conversations, you have to get that information from them so they can guide you down the right path.
00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:45.040
So you know if you're overstepping by trying to rescue in a supportive situation, all to keep the peace.
00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:50.239
Next, we'll talk about understanding that mental health struggles affect relationships.
00:01:50.480 --> 00:02:07.519
So if you are in a relationship and you're dating someone and they tell you I have bipolar, type one or type two, you need to understand exactly what that condition looks like, how that makes the person feel on a day-to-day basis, what are their triggers if they suffer with triggers?
00:02:07.760 --> 00:02:09.360
What are their escapes?
00:02:09.520 --> 00:02:11.280
What are their coping mechanisms?
00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:12.479
Are they on medication?
00:02:12.639 --> 00:02:17.199
If you care about the person, you don't have to think twice about how do I navigate and help this person.
00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:19.520
You also need to ask yourself if this is something new.
00:02:19.759 --> 00:02:28.879
Is this person someone that I want to be in a relationship with for the simple fact that you may not be comfortable with dating someone who suffers with this condition?
00:02:28.960 --> 00:02:35.520
And that's not to be harsh, that's not to hurt anyone's feelings, that's not to say that someone can't date someone who has that condition.
00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:36.479
Of course they can.
00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:46.319
People have those conditions, and they, as we say here on Mindfully Hurt, they handle the diagnoses or they handle the condition and they live through it.
00:02:46.479 --> 00:02:57.039
So we'll never be in a position to say that you know it's not possible to live through this and to have the life and have a family and have a spouse or however it looks for you.
00:02:57.120 --> 00:03:04.479
It's definitely doable and it's definitely something that there are the right person that you can walk through your journey with.
00:03:04.639 --> 00:03:08.240
So it requires a lot of understanding, a lot of research, and a lot of consideration.
00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:11.520
Let's talk about communicating without judgment.
00:03:11.680 --> 00:03:21.919
Sometimes somebody dealing with a mental health issue or condition, it's going to look different, not just by the diagnoses, the person, everything, everybody's chemical makeup is different.
00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:23.360
I always say that phrase.
00:03:23.439 --> 00:03:35.280
Even when I was working as a medical assistant, I would, you know, explain certain things when patients would hear certain things in the conversation of what we needed to do as next steps to help them, especially when I worked in gastroenterology.
00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:38.560
I would tell them, you know, everybody's chemical makeup is different.
00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:52.639
So, you know, what may work for you based on what my physician says that we need to do as the next step is something that may be considered due to your age or due to your demographics or what have you, because of the simple fact that we all are uniquely designed.
00:03:52.719 --> 00:04:21.519
DNA is a beautiful thing because we need to make sure that when someone that we love or friend or neighbor, whomever it may be, if we know that they're dealing with something like that, no matter what it is, whether it's bipolar, anxiety, depression, any of those, we want to let them have the floor to communicate and keep it a safe space, not judging whatever they come to us with, whatever topic it is, and then also not being so quick and impatient as to not be understanding, like we said previously.
00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:24.720
So the communication without judgment gives them that safe space.
00:04:24.879 --> 00:04:39.120
Now let's talk about creating healthy boundaries, dealing with someone with these conditions, diagnosis, etc., however, it looks for every specific person, is something that can be taxing for a person who doesn't have these situations.
00:04:39.360 --> 00:04:56.160
So, in order for everyone to feel accepted, have the safe space, feel valid, it's important and imperative to make sure that we're doing it in a balanced way, in a balanced and steady, and consistent format that helps each party stay comfortable and be protected.
00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:04.480
Protecting your peace is so important because it helps you not go down a slippery slope of feeling as if you have the condition to.
00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:14.879
Now, let me be clear about how I say this because I don't want anyone to think that I'm saying that, oh, if you do this and support and rescue a person that's that has a mental health issue, you're gonna get it too.
00:05:14.959 --> 00:05:15.759
It's not contagious.
00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:17.759
It is not contagious, so let's not go there.
00:05:17.920 --> 00:05:36.800
What I'm simply saying is under the topic of creating healthy boundaries, is if you're helping someone who's dealing with different things on the mental health spectrum, you put up your boundaries to say, I'm gonna do this, this, this, and that with you to help you do this, this, and that on this, this, and this day at the this, this, and this time, and though that's what I'm available for.
00:05:36.879 --> 00:05:38.399
The rest of this time is my time.
00:05:38.480 --> 00:05:52.240
That's a boundary because you have time to restore yourself, rejuvenate, and then get back to helping someone, but not to the point where you're taking away your personal time or your family time, or if you have children and you're still out there helping someone else that's dealing with something.
00:05:52.399 --> 00:05:58.319
You have to protect your peace, fill your cup up so that way you can help all those around you and never spread yourself too thin.
00:05:58.480 --> 00:06:13.439
If you're even if you're single and you're helping someone that has this, it can be taxing and heavy duty and responsibility on top of anything else you have going on, whether you're single, family, whatever it is, when you have someone that's dealing with these types of situations, it's a it's a heavy load.
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:22.399
And of course, as you know here so far on Kay Chinee's podcast, mindfully her, I give the real deal based on personal experience.
00:06:22.720 --> 00:06:24.959
My mom does not live far away from me.
00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:36.879
I go to my mom's house because her house is my safe place whenever she says I can come, whenever she says I can go over there and grill, whenever she says, Oh, let's do something for Coco.
00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:41.199
Because I have a six-year-old daughter who loves to go to Nana and Pop's house.
00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:46.480
So when I get the chance to go to that place, I don't want to have a bad time ever.
00:06:46.560 --> 00:06:58.800
And I never want to overstay my welcome because the last thing I want to do is get exiled or say no return, because that's like an Airbnb for me when I go to Nana and Pop's house.
00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:02.879
And it's not that my mom would ever do that, no way, but it's like going to a retreat.
00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:11.920
And so, what I mean when I say I don't want to get my you know services that I have when I go to that great luxurious weekend place.
00:07:12.079 --> 00:07:14.240
What I mean by that is I respect her rules.
00:07:14.480 --> 00:07:16.720
So the boundaries are Sunday night.
00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:27.759
When it's time to roll out, it's time for me and my family to roll out and get back to our place because Sunday night Nana has to get ready to go to work Monday morning, so everybody's not gonna be there till nine and ten o'clock.
00:07:27.839 --> 00:07:28.399
No, no, no.
00:07:28.560 --> 00:07:33.360
You gotta pack it up five o'clock no later than six because those are the boundaries.
00:07:33.519 --> 00:07:36.000
She needs to get herself together for the week.
00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:41.439
She needs to get her rest so she can be in the office and doing everything she has to do Monday morning.
00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:42.959
She's gotta go make the donuts.
00:07:43.040 --> 00:07:44.959
I've gotta get somebody ready for school.
00:07:45.120 --> 00:07:52.720
I've probably gotta pack a great lunch and finish cleaning up the kitchen from the big dinner that I made on Sunday night, which I do every Sunday night.
00:07:52.879 --> 00:07:56.000
So the boundaries are set so everybody's piece is protected.
00:07:56.079 --> 00:07:58.319
And that's exactly what I mean in the same instance.
00:07:58.480 --> 00:08:05.600
When we're dealing with someone and helping them handle and helping them on their journey, we have to create healthy boundaries in the same regard.
00:08:05.680 --> 00:08:06.639
So let's reflect.
00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:10.720
Ask yourself this Am I supporting this person from a place of love?
00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:14.560
Because we don't want to do anything and feel obligated, you know.
00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:20.000
I always say just because it's familiar doesn't mean that you have to do something.
00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:37.919
No, if there's a way for someone to be supported, you know, by a facility, an agency, and then you're doing the other things to support as well, but you need the main priority of the care and of the assistance to be taken care of by professionals, that's okay too.
00:08:38.080 --> 00:08:44.320
As long as there's a village, help when you can, and then have a main resource for the person that needs the assistance.
00:08:44.399 --> 00:08:50.320
There's nothing wrong with that because sometimes it's not possible for someone to handle the load that it comes with.
00:08:50.480 --> 00:09:02.799
And if we're honest and we and we're transparent, we will tell the person, especially if we love them, hey, I'm not able to really help with this because I can't give what I want to give, and I can I'm not gonna do you any good.
00:09:02.960 --> 00:09:05.360
I'm going to hinder instead of helping.
00:09:05.519 --> 00:09:07.200
Let me find the best resource.
00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:10.720
That's doing it out of love if you know that you really aren't up to it.
00:09:10.879 --> 00:09:15.600
But if you can do it out of love and you're okay with doing it in a healthy way, by all means do so.
00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:22.720
Another reflection do you only support out of your vow or obligation of believing to death do us part?
00:09:22.799 --> 00:09:25.519
If this is a spouse, now that's a deep question.
00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:29.039
Because again, I'll revert back to the beginning of this conversation for this episode.
00:09:29.200 --> 00:09:49.840
When you make that vow and that type of commitment, when there's a dating process or a courting process, and yes, I sound a little old school because I've been here before, so I feel like when you're dating someone, those things should be talked about, you know, a little bit of family history, a little bit of health history, of you know, knowing what you're getting into before you go to different levels and stages.
00:09:49.919 --> 00:09:52.480
It doesn't always work that way, everybody doesn't do it that way.
00:09:52.559 --> 00:10:05.039
And again, no judgment here, but those are one of the important things that you may want to talk about in the very beginning because when it does get to that point of to death do us part type of situation, I remember, and I'll give you an example.
00:10:05.200 --> 00:10:13.360
My mom told me when I was trying to pursue a relationship with someone at a younger than what I am now age.
00:10:13.519 --> 00:10:20.240
She said, What if that person is in an accident and their legs get hurt and they have to be amputated and removed?
00:10:20.399 --> 00:10:25.039
Marriages, we deal with this, and I'm glad she told me that because I never thought about it that way.
00:10:25.200 --> 00:10:28.639
I mean, I'm not a person that was saying, Oh my goodness, no, I can't deal with that.
00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:34.399
But when you're that age that I was, and we had this conversation, I was like, Oh wow, I just did not think about that.
00:10:34.480 --> 00:10:37.039
And I had to stay with that for a second because I was really young.
00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:54.960
So you have to understand that the vow is real and is serious, and you also have to understand when reflecting on this specific type of question, the vow is an obligation that you've already committed to when you made that serious decision of something like marriage, so it's a lot to consider.
00:10:55.200 --> 00:11:00.320
But again, go back to the other reflection question are you supporting the person from a place of love?
00:11:00.399 --> 00:11:02.559
So this all kind of joins together.
00:11:02.720 --> 00:11:10.080
If it's truly out of love, you don't need a facility or a professional to take care of it, you're willing to take care of that person, then that answer the next one.
00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:12.799
You know, it's not just I'm doing it because I have to.
00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:17.519
I truly believe in the to death do us part situation, and that is commendable.
00:11:17.759 --> 00:11:24.399
Next reflection is am I exhausting myself trying to fix instead of managing or assisting?
00:11:24.559 --> 00:11:32.240
Sometimes the village is big enough where you don't have to play such a huge part, little or less is needed, and you don't have to always fix it.
00:11:32.399 --> 00:11:35.919
This goes back to supporting and rescuing, it's kind of like that.
00:11:36.080 --> 00:11:47.440
Sometimes it doesn't need rescuing, it just needs support, and you will build those healthy boundaries, have those open conversations, even the uncomfortable conversations to figure out the best way to help.
00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:53.200
I'm a person I tell my mom all the time, tell me what I need to do so I'm helping and I'm not making it worse.
00:11:53.360 --> 00:11:56.559
Because that's how I can be of good use to the situation.
00:11:56.720 --> 00:11:58.559
At least that's what I think works best.
00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:03.279
So, in closing, love should feel easy like a partnership, but sometimes it doesn't look that way.
00:12:03.440 --> 00:12:11.440
So, build those healthy boundaries, have those open conversations, figure out if you're supporting or rescuing, manage it with the village so you can be a good asset.
00:12:11.600 --> 00:12:17.840
So, not a place where one person is receiving constantly and the other person is just disappearing.
00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:28.159
So, just because we're helping and assisting someone with a serious illness condition or what have you, or whatever it looks like, does not mean that we don't need to protect our peace and that we shouldn't be checked on too.
00:12:28.240 --> 00:12:34.799
And we should have that conversation with them to let them know you know that I'm on this journey with you, I have my own journey, even if I don't have a diagnosis.
00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:40.000
Depending on the mental health issues your loved one handles, you manage accordingly.
00:12:40.159 --> 00:12:46.960
Again, that means the conversations, the openness and the willing to make it a two-way street, just like a relationship.
00:12:47.120 --> 00:12:49.440
Let's check in on each other type of situation.
00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:58.799
Take care of yourself while taking care of others, and that is very important, and that is the whole point of being able to give and take.
00:12:58.960 --> 00:12:59.519
Simple as that.
00:12:59.679 --> 00:13:01.600
Well, I want to thank you guys for listening in this week.
00:13:01.679 --> 00:13:02.720
This is mindfully her.
00:13:02.960 --> 00:13:05.759
Healing begins when we stop hiding.
00:00:06.879 --> 00:00:09.039
This is Mindfully Her episode 3.
00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:15.759
Today on Mindfully Her, we're discussing what it means to love someone through difficult seasons while still protecting your own peace.
00:00:15.919 --> 00:00:20.719
When someone you love is experiencing mental health challenges, it can affect the entire family.
00:00:20.879 --> 00:00:25.440
You may feel helpless, you may feel confused, you may wonder what to say or what to do.
00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:33.200
Understanding that supporting someone does not mean carrying everything for them unless their health warrants that type of care.
00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:36.640
You can love someone deeply but still set up boundaries.
00:00:36.799 --> 00:00:37.759
This protects you.
00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:40.640
You can be compassionate and still take care of you.
00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:42.799
You can be present without losing yourself.
00:00:42.880 --> 00:00:45.679
Let's talk about the difference between supporting and rescuing.
00:00:45.920 --> 00:00:55.920
So most of the time we think in our mind, you know, if someone's asking me for help, I gotta fix this, make this right, make this perfect, and do such and such and such and resolve the issue.
00:00:56.159 --> 00:00:59.759
We have to remember that everything can't just be fixed all the time.
00:00:59.920 --> 00:01:02.719
It doesn't warrant that type of response.
00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:06.079
Support looks totally different from rescuing someone.
00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:14.159
We assume that we need to rescue because we get the call, or because there is an emergency, or because there's some type of issue.
00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:17.680
Supporting someone is sometimes all that's necessary.
00:01:17.840 --> 00:01:20.159
There may not be a need to rescue.
00:01:20.400 --> 00:01:29.519
And the most information that you'll receive for knowing which direction to go in is from the person that needs the rescuing or supporting.
00:01:29.599 --> 00:01:38.560
You just gotta have those conversations, whether they're the hard ones or normal conversations, you have to get that information from them so they can guide you down the right path.
00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:45.040
So you know if you're overstepping by trying to rescue in a supportive situation, all to keep the peace.
00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:50.239
Next, we'll talk about understanding that mental health struggles affect relationships.
00:01:50.480 --> 00:02:07.519
So if you are in a relationship and you're dating someone and they tell you I have bipolar, type one or type two, you need to understand exactly what that condition looks like, how that makes the person feel on a day-to-day basis, what are their triggers if they suffer with triggers?
00:02:07.760 --> 00:02:09.360
What are their escapes?
00:02:09.520 --> 00:02:11.280
What are their coping mechanisms?
00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:12.479
Are they on medication?
00:02:12.639 --> 00:02:17.199
If you care about the person, you don't have to think twice about how do I navigate and help this person.
00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:19.520
You also need to ask yourself if this is something new.
00:02:19.759 --> 00:02:28.879
Is this person someone that I want to be in a relationship with for the simple fact that you may not be comfortable with dating someone who suffers with this condition?
00:02:28.960 --> 00:02:35.520
And that's not to be harsh, that's not to hurt anyone's feelings, that's not to say that someone can't date someone who has that condition.
00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:36.479
Of course they can.
00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:46.319
People have those conditions, and they, as we say here on Mindfully Hurt, they handle the diagnoses or they handle the condition and they live through it.
00:02:46.479 --> 00:02:57.039
So we'll never be in a position to say that you know it's not possible to live through this and to have the life and have a family and have a spouse or however it looks for you.
00:02:57.120 --> 00:03:04.479
It's definitely doable and it's definitely something that there are the right person that you can walk through your journey with.
00:03:04.639 --> 00:03:08.240
So it requires a lot of understanding, a lot of research, and a lot of consideration.
00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:11.520
Let's talk about communicating without judgment.
00:03:11.680 --> 00:03:21.919
Sometimes somebody dealing with a mental health issue or condition, it's going to look different, not just by the diagnoses, the person, everything, everybody's chemical makeup is different.
00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:23.360
I always say that phrase.
00:03:23.439 --> 00:03:35.280
Even when I was working as a medical assistant, I would, you know, explain certain things when patients would hear certain things in the conversation of what we needed to do as next steps to help them, especially when I worked in gastroenterology.
00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:38.560
I would tell them, you know, everybody's chemical makeup is different.
00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:52.639
So, you know, what may work for you based on what my physician says that we need to do as the next step is something that may be considered due to your age or due to your demographics or what have you, because of the simple fact that we all are uniquely designed.
00:03:52.719 --> 00:04:21.519
DNA is a beautiful thing because we need to make sure that when someone that we love or friend or neighbor, whomever it may be, if we know that they're dealing with something like that, no matter what it is, whether it's bipolar, anxiety, depression, any of those, we want to let them have the floor to communicate and keep it a safe space, not judging whatever they come to us with, whatever topic it is, and then also not being so quick and impatient as to not be understanding, like we said previously.
00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:24.720
So the communication without judgment gives them that safe space.
00:04:24.879 --> 00:04:39.120
Now let's talk about creating healthy boundaries, dealing with someone with these conditions, diagnosis, etc., however, it looks for every specific person, is something that can be taxing for a person who doesn't have these situations.
00:04:39.360 --> 00:04:56.160
So, in order for everyone to feel accepted, have the safe space, feel valid, it's important and imperative to make sure that we're doing it in a balanced way, in a balanced and steady, and consistent format that helps each party stay comfortable and be protected.
00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:04.480
Protecting your peace is so important because it helps you not go down a slippery slope of feeling as if you have the condition to.
00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:14.879
Now, let me be clear about how I say this because I don't want anyone to think that I'm saying that, oh, if you do this and support and rescue a person that's that has a mental health issue, you're gonna get it too.
00:05:14.959 --> 00:05:15.759
It's not contagious.
00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:17.759
It is not contagious, so let's not go there.
00:05:17.920 --> 00:05:36.800
What I'm simply saying is under the topic of creating healthy boundaries, is if you're helping someone who's dealing with different things on the mental health spectrum, you put up your boundaries to say, I'm gonna do this, this, this, and that with you to help you do this, this, and that on this, this, and this day at the this, this, and this time, and though that's what I'm available for.
00:05:36.879 --> 00:05:38.399
The rest of this time is my time.
00:05:38.480 --> 00:05:52.240
That's a boundary because you have time to restore yourself, rejuvenate, and then get back to helping someone, but not to the point where you're taking away your personal time or your family time, or if you have children and you're still out there helping someone else that's dealing with something.
00:05:52.399 --> 00:05:58.319
You have to protect your peace, fill your cup up so that way you can help all those around you and never spread yourself too thin.
00:05:58.480 --> 00:06:13.439
If you're even if you're single and you're helping someone that has this, it can be taxing and heavy duty and responsibility on top of anything else you have going on, whether you're single, family, whatever it is, when you have someone that's dealing with these types of situations, it's a it's a heavy load.
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:22.399
And of course, as you know here so far on Kay Chinee's podcast, mindfully her, I give the real deal based on personal experience.
00:06:22.720 --> 00:06:24.959
My mom does not live far away from me.
00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:36.879
I go to my mom's house because her house is my safe place whenever she says I can come, whenever she says I can go over there and grill, whenever she says, Oh, let's do something for Coco.
00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:41.199
Because I have a six-year-old daughter who loves to go to Nana and Pop's house.
00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:46.480
So when I get the chance to go to that place, I don't want to have a bad time ever.
00:06:46.560 --> 00:06:58.800
And I never want to overstay my welcome because the last thing I want to do is get exiled or say no return, because that's like an Airbnb for me when I go to Nana and Pop's house.
00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:02.879
And it's not that my mom would ever do that, no way, but it's like going to a retreat.
00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:11.920
And so, what I mean when I say I don't want to get my you know services that I have when I go to that great luxurious weekend place.
00:07:12.079 --> 00:07:14.240
What I mean by that is I respect her rules.
00:07:14.480 --> 00:07:16.720
So the boundaries are Sunday night.
00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:27.759
When it's time to roll out, it's time for me and my family to roll out and get back to our place because Sunday night Nana has to get ready to go to work Monday morning, so everybody's not gonna be there till nine and ten o'clock.
00:07:27.839 --> 00:07:28.399
No, no, no.
00:07:28.560 --> 00:07:33.360
You gotta pack it up five o'clock no later than six because those are the boundaries.
00:07:33.519 --> 00:07:36.000
She needs to get herself together for the week.
00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:41.439
She needs to get her rest so she can be in the office and doing everything she has to do Monday morning.
00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:42.959
She's gotta go make the donuts.
00:07:43.040 --> 00:07:44.959
I've gotta get somebody ready for school.
00:07:45.120 --> 00:07:52.720
I've probably gotta pack a great lunch and finish cleaning up the kitchen from the big dinner that I made on Sunday night, which I do every Sunday night.
00:07:52.879 --> 00:07:56.000
So the boundaries are set so everybody's piece is protected.
00:07:56.079 --> 00:07:58.319
And that's exactly what I mean in the same instance.
00:07:58.480 --> 00:08:05.600
When we're dealing with someone and helping them handle and helping them on their journey, we have to create healthy boundaries in the same regard.
00:08:05.680 --> 00:08:06.639
So let's reflect.
00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:10.720
Ask yourself this Am I supporting this person from a place of love?
00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:14.560
Because we don't want to do anything and feel obligated, you know.
00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:20.000
I always say just because it's familiar doesn't mean that you have to do something.
00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:37.919
No, if there's a way for someone to be supported, you know, by a facility, an agency, and then you're doing the other things to support as well, but you need the main priority of the care and of the assistance to be taken care of by professionals, that's okay too.
00:08:38.080 --> 00:08:44.320
As long as there's a village, help when you can, and then have a main resource for the person that needs the assistance.
00:08:44.399 --> 00:08:50.320
There's nothing wrong with that because sometimes it's not possible for someone to handle the load that it comes with.
00:08:50.480 --> 00:09:02.799
And if we're honest and we and we're transparent, we will tell the person, especially if we love them, hey, I'm not able to really help with this because I can't give what I want to give, and I can I'm not gonna do you any good.
00:09:02.960 --> 00:09:05.360
I'm going to hinder instead of helping.
00:09:05.519 --> 00:09:07.200
Let me find the best resource.
00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:10.720
That's doing it out of love if you know that you really aren't up to it.
00:09:10.879 --> 00:09:15.600
But if you can do it out of love and you're okay with doing it in a healthy way, by all means do so.
00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:22.720
Another reflection do you only support out of your vow or obligation of believing to death do us part?
00:09:22.799 --> 00:09:25.519
If this is a spouse, now that's a deep question.
00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:29.039
Because again, I'll revert back to the beginning of this conversation for this episode.
00:09:29.200 --> 00:09:49.840
When you make that vow and that type of commitment, when there's a dating process or a courting process, and yes, I sound a little old school because I've been here before, so I feel like when you're dating someone, those things should be talked about, you know, a little bit of family history, a little bit of health history, of you know, knowing what you're getting into before you go to different levels and stages.
00:09:49.919 --> 00:09:52.480
It doesn't always work that way, everybody doesn't do it that way.
00:09:52.559 --> 00:10:05.039
And again, no judgment here, but those are one of the important things that you may want to talk about in the very beginning because when it does get to that point of to death do us part type of situation, I remember, and I'll give you an example.
00:10:05.200 --> 00:10:13.360
My mom told me when I was trying to pursue a relationship with someone at a younger than what I am now age.
00:10:13.519 --> 00:10:20.240
She said, What if that person is in an accident and their legs get hurt and they have to be amputated and removed?
00:10:20.399 --> 00:10:25.039
Marriages, we deal with this, and I'm glad she told me that because I never thought about it that way.
00:10:25.200 --> 00:10:28.639
I mean, I'm not a person that was saying, Oh my goodness, no, I can't deal with that.
00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:34.399
But when you're that age that I was, and we had this conversation, I was like, Oh wow, I just did not think about that.
00:10:34.480 --> 00:10:37.039
And I had to stay with that for a second because I was really young.
00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:54.960
So you have to understand that the vow is real and is serious, and you also have to understand when reflecting on this specific type of question, the vow is an obligation that you've already committed to when you made that serious decision of something like marriage, so it's a lot to consider.
00:10:55.200 --> 00:11:00.320
But again, go back to the other reflection question are you supporting the person from a place of love?
00:11:00.399 --> 00:11:02.559
So this all kind of joins together.
00:11:02.720 --> 00:11:10.080
If it's truly out of love, you don't need a facility or a professional to take care of it, you're willing to take care of that person, then that answer the next one.
00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:12.799
You know, it's not just I'm doing it because I have to.
00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:17.519
I truly believe in the to death do us part situation, and that is commendable.
00:11:17.759 --> 00:11:24.399
Next reflection is am I exhausting myself trying to fix instead of managing or assisting?
00:11:24.559 --> 00:11:32.240
Sometimes the village is big enough where you don't have to play such a huge part, little or less is needed, and you don't have to always fix it.
00:11:32.399 --> 00:11:35.919
This goes back to supporting and rescuing, it's kind of like that.
00:11:36.080 --> 00:11:47.440
Sometimes it doesn't need rescuing, it just needs support, and you will build those healthy boundaries, have those open conversations, even the uncomfortable conversations to figure out the best way to help.
00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:53.200
I'm a person I tell my mom all the time, tell me what I need to do so I'm helping and I'm not making it worse.
00:11:53.360 --> 00:11:56.559
Because that's how I can be of good use to the situation.
00:11:56.720 --> 00:11:58.559
At least that's what I think works best.
00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:03.279
So, in closing, love should feel easy like a partnership, but sometimes it doesn't look that way.
00:12:03.440 --> 00:12:11.440
So, build those healthy boundaries, have those open conversations, figure out if you're supporting or rescuing, manage it with the village so you can be a good asset.
00:12:11.600 --> 00:12:17.840
So, not a place where one person is receiving constantly and the other person is just disappearing.
00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:28.159
So, just because we're helping and assisting someone with a serious illness condition or what have you, or whatever it looks like, does not mean that we don't need to protect our peace and that we shouldn't be checked on too.
00:12:28.240 --> 00:12:34.799
And we should have that conversation with them to let them know you know that I'm on this journey with you, I have my own journey, even if I don't have a diagnosis.
00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:40.000
Depending on the mental health issues your loved one handles, you manage accordingly.
00:12:40.159 --> 00:12:46.960
Again, that means the conversations, the openness and the willing to make it a two-way street, just like a relationship.
00:12:47.120 --> 00:12:49.440
Let's check in on each other type of situation.
00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:58.799
Take care of yourself while taking care of others, and that is very important, and that is the whole point of being able to give and take.
00:12:58.960 --> 00:12:59.519
Simple as that.
00:12:59.679 --> 00:13:01.600
Well, I want to thank you guys for listening in this week.
00:13:01.679 --> 00:13:02.720
This is mindfully her.
00:13:02.960 --> 00:13:05.759
Healing begins when we stop hiding.
