Over-Functioning: When Being Helpful Becomes a Survival Strategy

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Welcome to Mental Health News Radio, the original podcast of
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the Mental Health News Radio Network. I'm your host, Kristensenanta Walker.
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I have been hosting this show for over fifteen years,
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and over time it's evolved from traditional interviews into something
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I like a lot better, real, free flowing conversations. On
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this network and on my own shows, we have multiple
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hosts and voices across mental health, trauma, and addiction recovery,
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each bringing their own lived experience and expertise. Some of
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our most listened to conversations right now center around merrow devotions,
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including my own late diagnosis of autism and ADHD, along
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with many other topics that shape how you understand mental
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health today. I'm also a writer and mental health advocate,
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which I talk about here and across the network.
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I'm really glad you're here. Let's get into the conversations. Hi, everyone,
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My next guest is my really good friend Julie Rays.
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I feel just so grateful to know her, and she's
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a prolific writer. We get into where she writes and
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how you can find her at the end of the show.
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This is just two women chatting about something that is
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so pivotal for all humans.
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We just talk about it through the neurodivergent lens, and
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we add our little splash of what it is to
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be a female that does this too, So please enjoy
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and stick around to the end. Hey, everybody, Christen Sanada
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Walker here, I am here with my good friend Julie Rains,
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and we are going to talk about what the hell
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are we talking about?
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We are talking about overfunctioning in relationship. Thank you a
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big one for both of us.
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Oh boy, yes, overfunctioning. So when I brought that up,
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you and I were talking about something else, and we
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usually have about eighteen things that we're like, oh, write
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it down or them type it because I can't read
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my writing. So this was one of them that came up.
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And yes, we're women, so this has a different meaning
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to it what we're but this can also apply to
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men too. But anyway, when I brought that up, Julie,
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what did you think about talking about that?
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Well, it led to a lot of thought because the
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where already of ways in which I have historically done that,
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showing up over functioning being the the energetic drive behind
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so many of my connections, And so then I had
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to deep dive and see even more clearly how apparent
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that that became. And it again, it's a big thing
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and unlearning it. It's a big process. It's there's a
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lot to that.
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Yeah, it's a huge process. And because it's it's in
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so many areas. It's not just oh, if I stop
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drinking wine, life will get It's not a single act
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that you go if I stop this, then we're done
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with that. Overfunctioning is in every area of your life.
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It is, and it becomes automatic. We just start doing it.
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We think that's our role, that's what we do. This
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is what I have to offer, and so I'm going
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to offer it in abundance. It does a mile the
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way of putting it. Look what it is? Right, So
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then you're you're having to watch yourself or almost monitor
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a little bit as you go through connections and relationships.
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And am i am I? Am I doing this again?
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Am I?
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Yes? The overfunctioning part it happens once I opened this
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can of worms for myself around what does that actually?
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What does that mean? Because it's easy to say, oh,
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overfunction okay, so yes, I do too much for other people,
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there's a way to kind of glamorize it too, because
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what are we told as women, you're told overfunction. I
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just watch all these things.
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It's encouraged, yea.
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Elizabeth Bennett's stuff and all these doubt and nabby things
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and all these things, and my mom loves with British
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television and all the writing about women and the women
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waiting and all of this, and that that was our role.
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That was how you could become a martyr about it.
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You're a savior, You're all those things. Praise for overfunction.
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Yes, but as women again, historically I think that and
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maybe particularly still for our generation, perhaps not generations after
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ours as much, but our generation and before parents raised
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us and conditioned us to be marriable.
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That was for a woman marriable, that was the.
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Goal. That was the best we can do for her
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is make her appealing to a man to marry. So
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therefore we're taught to be pretty exceptionally generous and not
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think of ourselves very much at all.
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Yeah, like your worth is dependent on your praise is
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going to be dependent on how much you can erase
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yourself while remaining placid's ingratious and lovely. And then you
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and then enters words like hysteria.
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Uh huh, that's a big one.
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When we reach our limit and we can't fit in
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this tiny little box that we've only been allowed to
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be given to move in.
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Yes, Yes, and I think that again, my circumstances over
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the last few years might have fallen into somebody might
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have categorized my collapse, or at least it seemed like
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a collapse to the outside, if you were measuring functioning
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as value as worth. They might have called me. They
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might have considered that I had hysteria, right, because I
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just couldn't. I couldn't show up the same way anymore. Yeah,
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it wasn't going to happen.
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Yeah, I look at it like the Harry Potter sorting
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hat thing you figure out when you oh to those
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places where you just can't do it anymore. You and
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then you see, oh okay, and with pain and also
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anger and some for me, some things said or written
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that from my perspective that were accurate but also painful
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for another person because you realize, wait a minute, this
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is not a friendship that's huge, and they're not supportive
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of me when I'm done saying everything they want to say,
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fawning over them, doing all these things for them. Some
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people it took a minute and they stepped back and
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they went, oh, they re evalued our relationship too, And
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some have come back forward and we just start from there,
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or we work on whatever issues we had and we
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go from there. But some have gone by the wayside,
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and that was good for them and good for me too.
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Same here. Again, it gives you, it gives you. In
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my case, I didn't even realize how much I over
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functioned or how much of the energy was driven by
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me in my friendships until I collapsed, until I was
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not able. My cup was empty, so there was nothing
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to pour from, right, and so I was in a
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bad way and thinking that maybe they would show up
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where I couldn't in maybe mirroring the ways I showed
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up for them, which was again that's my air. But
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they that they might call more, that they might come
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and see me, because they had never even been here.
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I did all the traveling, the arranging, a lot of
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the paying, a lot of the pain, and yeah, I
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didn't mind. Again I had a full cup. My cup
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was full, and I had like this. I believed I
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had a scaffolding of safety. And so again I did
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it because I wanted to, not because I felt like
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I had to. But when things fell apart on my
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side and they not just didn't show up as in
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call more or come to see me or make that
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effort to do the planning so that we can get together.
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They backed away. And then I kind of realize what
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my role really was and I saw it more clearly.
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And again, these friendships never dissolved completely. They still there's
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still people that I love very much, and I just
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see that maybe their cups weren't full either, right, so
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they couldn't pour into me the way that I poured
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into them, because maybe their cups weren't full either. So
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it was there's limitation, right, and there's different capacities to
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show up. We're not all the same, and so again
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I now change the way I show up in that
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it's more reciprocal. Those are still people I love deeply
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and will probably always be considered friends, but the relationships
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are redefined, and I'm not even sure if they know.
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I don't even know if they know, right.
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I know.
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It's it's so funny when you go to a certain
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place in your healing, you kind of go and not
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that anybody's ever healed, because that's ridiculous. There's no eding,
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that's like if you have a cut in your leg,
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you can heal it. If you have an emotional wound,
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you're always healing it. But the degree of healing happens
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in every interaction you have in life, and the more
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peaceful you are around the healing is. For me, that's
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the goal. All this stuff's going to come up, All
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this shit is gonna like sometimes it's lake shitty kakka, you.
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Know what I mean.
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Like, it's just I'm doing good with my healing. I'm
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taking care of myself. I'm doing all these exercises, and
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then in walks a bunch of shite and you go.
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And my instinct is to go, well, I thought I
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was at this.
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Healing place done and be done.
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Now I realize, oh okay, right, that that is life continued. Stuff.
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Issues that I have still are showing up. It's where
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I'm coming from. How much room I have, how much
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I give to myself. I'll give an example of overfunctioning
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and action. So we had all these people around the
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last few days moving huge equipment, things that move huge
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ten by sixteen sheds, Oh wow, from one part of
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a property to another, and gravel was involved in machines.
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That person that was taking care of the machine flipped
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over the back of it and almost tipped over into
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gables down a hill, that stuff. And I was like,
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you know, in my mind I'm doing I'm not the
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one doing the work either, right, And so I'm also
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watching my mom and how she handles overfunctioning. Oh, let
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me go get everybody water. Mom, getting people water while
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they're operating big machinery is not a good idea. But
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my mom will put herself in physical harm because somebody
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needs water. And that's that's not a Oh look at
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how gracious my mom is. There's a piece of that,
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but it's also over it's her overfunctioning, yes, and then
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me and then me sitting where there and saying, Mom,
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if I've got to manage all this and manage you
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and keeping you safe from yourself and your overfunctioning, you're
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actually adding to nervous system labor. So can we just
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walk out in the day and just set our intention
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in the beginning that you're going to try not to
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do that. I'm going to try not to do my things.
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If I need to look away like I used to
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with these things, I used to be act a little
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arrogant about it. Oh I'm fine, I'm the calm one.
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It's all good, look at all if I'm some orchestra
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conductor making sure, and in a way you are. But
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what I realize is how much I wasn't there for myself.
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The anxiety that I had is prickly normal, but I
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was suppressing it so hard to appear what I appear. Yes, yeah,
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that I'm just fine and everything's great. That I didn't
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even allow myself to acknowledge my own feelings. And what
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I did yesterday was I was there for myself as
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my friend to myself. I just ful hard time. If
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you can't watch that machine teetering on a cliff, you
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turn the other way and let it do it, see,
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because these people know what they're doing.
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Look away.
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It was just more of like, okay, here's my hand,
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here's my other hand. You got this, like you're okay,
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And that's new for me in the moment to be
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you can be here for you, You can notice you
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you exist within this matrix. It is not all about
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what you're thinking and doing and feeling. And if you
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aren't watching, someone's gonna die and you it'll be your
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fault because they did it on your watch and all
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those things. You can just rest and acknowledge all of
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that and be good.
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That's amazing. And that's also again something new for me,
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learning to steady myself for myself because again a lot
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of my connections might have been somewhat codependent, my relationships,
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they might have been somewhat codepundent in that idea. Know how,
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I had no one that could model that type of self.
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I don't even know the word I'm trying to say,
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but showing up for myself for myself by myself was
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foreign to me until more recently, where now I'm like,
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and again the thing for me is very much I
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have to touch myself to be present, right, this is
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my present. I'm here, yeah, And then I can I
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can talk to me. And it's amazing how effective that
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can be in bringing you down a little bit when
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you're it's way up there, that's what it feels like.
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And this brings me back down into myself, and then
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I can talk to myself gently through it. Sometimes it's
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like I'm talking to a child and it's me exactly.
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And sometimes we are to that child, that child that
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didn't have anybody saying are you okay? Are you okay
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through this or you da da da d d. Yeah,
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And so we do that for ourselves.
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And we're in a society too that is very hustle.
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Hustle culture is such a thing. And I think that
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most of my parents in their own way are neurodivergent,
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different ends, they're different ways, but I think both of
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them were and they both struggled with hustle culture too.
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Oh absolutely. I watched my mom overfunction with my jaw
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on the floor, like teaching full time, raising four kids,
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going to university at the same time, doing all of that,
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and then again, how is she supposed to have anything
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left to nurture those more tender parts of us? There
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just wasn't anything left. And again that's not anybody's fault.
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That was the demands, right, and nobody told them that
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it could be different.
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Yeah, I know. It makes me more able to look
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at everyone through a lens of well, yes, this person
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maybe acting like a jerk right now or whatever their
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way they're behaving. I'm perceiving that that's what it is.
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But I I don't know the whole story, so I
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don't need to automatically it just it's enough of something
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to give me a pause, because I think when asps
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with people like us is we're so hyper vigilant. We're
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so we had to we had to learn how to
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read the room, read people, everything that's overfunctioning too doing
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that to stay alive. Right, we drive childhood and so
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you develop it, and so I never gave things room
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to Breathe I meet someone, I immediately Okay, this is
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where I can be safe. This is how I can
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navigate this. And eighty percent of my perception around it
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was probably right because of I stayed alive in situation.
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So I'm obviously good at this. But twenty percent of
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it was wrapped up in my trauma and at other
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times more of a percent. I was wrapped up in
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my trauma, and that influenced how I see people and
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this and no room to process anything. So how would
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I have the room to have any extension of understanding
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past my own little world that I could only live
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in because I was so ooh So now I like
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the pregnant pause. Just okay, don't need to make a
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conclusion about all of this right now. I can take
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time to think about it later. Since I process things somatically,
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I'm going to feel it in my body first, So
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sometimes I've got to take a minute a night or whatever,
285
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and I just was allergic to the pause. The pause
286
00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:31.919
was hard because the pause doesn't support overfunctioning.
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It doesn't wagh does it. It doesn't, It really doesn't.
288
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But it's again, it's something that I've started doing too,
289
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and it softens somehow, it softens everything. Yeah, I used
290
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to get Again, my hypervigilance might be softening because I
291
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used to very quickly jump to the worst possible conclusion
292
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or the most protective conclusion. And now I'm okay, you
293
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step and oh oh, and it just immediately clicks in. Oh.
294
00:17:03.679 --> 00:17:06.799
It could be so many different things. I know that
295
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I have adaptations I'm still working on. We all do.
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And so then right there I remember what the bigger
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picture is that we're all trying to unravel. So many
298
00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:19.559
of us are doing that work. And especially if I'm
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interacting with somebody who I know, is it's even easier
300
00:17:23.079 --> 00:17:27.039
for me to be things don't bother me. Everything just
301
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I don't get hurt feelings, I don't get as nervous
302
00:17:31.319 --> 00:17:35.039
or paranoid. I'm not as worried about being liked or accepted. Yes,
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00:17:35.640 --> 00:17:39.279
it's amazing, And that's different for me because I had
304
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several years of vigilance to the point of isolation hermiting,
305
00:17:45.119 --> 00:17:48.400
and that's something I'm slowly trying to move out of
306
00:17:48.599 --> 00:17:51.599
and away from. But I'm finding it easier than it
307
00:17:51.720 --> 00:17:55.480
was before to connect with people and again being aware
308
00:17:55.559 --> 00:18:01.160
that we're all on our journeys and we're all trying
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our best with what we've with what we've gotten, how
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far we've come. It never ends, but it helps to
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know that. It helps to have an idea the bigger
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picture of how we're socialized and conditioned, and that too
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adds to a softening.
314
00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:20.200
Yeah, because I think what I've done this is I've
315
00:18:20.240 --> 00:18:23.200
gotten really defensive at different times because honestly, that's all
316
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the room I had was for that right, because I
317
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didn't let anything out, so I had no room. But
318
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my defensiveness around the things that I need to do
319
00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:37.400
is and that other people need to do is definitely
320
00:18:37.599 --> 00:18:41.319
going down, down, down, Like like it's okay to be imperfect,
321
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it's okay to be messy. If somebody looks at me
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and rolls their eyes, who cares whatever, I can be
323
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a kookie. Weardo that's part of my charm. You don't
324
00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:55.720
like it, fine, but for me, I guess I would
325
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want people to understand and also offer validation to people
326
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who get this too. When you have been on display
327
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and female and all the pressures that we have, which
328
00:19:07.480 --> 00:19:11.160
are pressure, but they're different pressures than men. Some are
329
00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:15.000
the same, but some are very different. The pressure to
330
00:19:16.079 --> 00:19:22.759
not show who you actually are is immense, really, is it? Really?
331
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If anybody catches you being who you are, I better
332
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button it up. I better be even more next time.
333
00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:32.400
I better and that, Yeah, that becomes part of your
334
00:19:32.519 --> 00:19:35.319
what is it, your autonomic processing or your your whole
335
00:19:35.359 --> 00:19:38.079
nervous system, and then you never can relax.
336
00:19:38.359 --> 00:19:41.000
Nope, Nope, that's very much true.
337
00:19:41.279 --> 00:19:44.319
Yeah, and when you start doing it, usually after diagnosis,
338
00:19:44.319 --> 00:19:47.200
a lot of people are having this happen where you wobble,
339
00:19:47.240 --> 00:19:49.359
and I wrote about that, you wobble for a minute,
340
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and it is so important not to make decisions in
341
00:19:51.680 --> 00:19:52.200
the wobble.
342
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I agree, Yes, you can. You can over identify with
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the with label with the diagnosis. And again we don't
344
00:20:02.880 --> 00:20:07.119
have to consider that diagnosis a real pathology, right, we
345
00:20:07.359 --> 00:20:09.279
just consider it a difference. This can be hard to
346
00:20:09.319 --> 00:20:15.079
get there because most of the data is disability based, yes, right,
347
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so deficit based, and so it can be really hard
348
00:20:18.559 --> 00:20:21.480
to navigate that this is not a deficit. So for
349
00:20:21.480 --> 00:20:24.839
a little while, even I believed I can't do this,
350
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:28.240
I can't do that, instead of just looking at and
351
00:20:28.240 --> 00:20:30.519
saying I can do this, I just might need to
352
00:20:30.519 --> 00:20:31.440
do it a little differently.
353
00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:34.839
You know what's weird too, more. I have people like
354
00:20:34.920 --> 00:20:37.359
you in my life and the other people in my life,
355
00:20:37.359 --> 00:20:40.400
and listen, we are all varieties of fed upness, right,
356
00:20:42.200 --> 00:20:45.640
all varieties. We've all been through drama. So there's that.
357
00:20:46.480 --> 00:20:49.880
But what I find lately is I feel the most
358
00:20:50.319 --> 00:20:55.319
normal I've ever felt in my life within this paradigm. Oh,
359
00:20:55.640 --> 00:20:57.839
this is what it's like to just sit with friends
360
00:20:58.160 --> 00:21:01.200
and talk about logistics about your house. I didn't have
361
00:21:01.359 --> 00:21:03.240
room to talk about what do I want to put
362
00:21:03.240 --> 00:21:05.880
a painting on my wall? There was no time for
363
00:21:05.920 --> 00:21:08.240
any of that. Even when I was running around getting
364
00:21:08.279 --> 00:21:10.440
paid this and doing this and flying here and there,
365
00:21:10.640 --> 00:21:13.200
there were certain things in my life that could not
366
00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:17.079
be detailed too, that were normal things.
367
00:21:17.640 --> 00:21:20.400
That's true for me, too, true for me too. I'm
368
00:21:20.440 --> 00:21:23.920
still not there. Had I had a landscaper come here
369
00:21:23.920 --> 00:21:27.000
today because this house is all gardens. This The woman
370
00:21:27.039 --> 00:21:31.720
who lived here before me was an avid gardener, and
371
00:21:31.799 --> 00:21:34.480
it is everywhere, and I can't keep up with it.
372
00:21:34.599 --> 00:21:36.920
I enjoy a little bit, and I enjoy it out,
373
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but this is the whole property. It was manicul like,
374
00:21:39.559 --> 00:21:42.039
it was beautiful, but I can't keep up with it.
375
00:21:42.079 --> 00:21:43.799
So the landscaper comes to me and says, so what's
376
00:21:43.839 --> 00:21:45.920
your vision? And I said, I don't know. Let's just
377
00:21:45.920 --> 00:21:50.319
make it look different, make it look decent, listen, do something.
378
00:21:50.480 --> 00:21:52.640
I don't know what, don't I don't care, I don't know.
379
00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:53.319
I can't think.
380
00:21:53.440 --> 00:21:56.279
I can't think that that way right now, right So
381
00:21:56.559 --> 00:21:58.839
I just said, I've seen your photos of you before
382
00:21:58.920 --> 00:22:03.440
and aftors. I trust you. Just make it and lower maintenance.
383
00:22:03.480 --> 00:22:07.559
That's the main that's my only request is lower maintenance. Yeah.
384
00:22:07.920 --> 00:22:11.920
I'm not in a place where again, I live very
385
00:22:11.960 --> 00:22:15.400
isolated from my family. Any system that I have is
386
00:22:15.440 --> 00:22:18.200
not here. I am alone here with again, I have
387
00:22:18.240 --> 00:22:21.119
two dependents. I have a dog and a son and
388
00:22:22.759 --> 00:22:27.119
I and it's me. I'm the adult, and I can't
389
00:22:27.119 --> 00:22:31.240
It's a large property and I'm trying to navigate that
390
00:22:31.359 --> 00:22:34.759
on my own, and so there's no bandwidth for those
391
00:22:34.799 --> 00:22:38.160
little things. There's no vision of this garden looks like
392
00:22:38.200 --> 00:22:40.400
this that I can't get there yet. I just I'm
393
00:22:40.480 --> 00:22:43.680
not supported enough, and that's nobody's fault. It's just circumstantial,
394
00:22:44.240 --> 00:22:47.839
and it's getting through. It's remembering I'm getting through a
395
00:22:47.880 --> 00:22:50.400
few years and then selling this place and moving on
396
00:22:50.440 --> 00:22:55.720
to something that's more suited to who I am. Right, Yes, yes,
397
00:22:55.920 --> 00:22:59.559
something more aligned with what I have, with what I
398
00:22:59.640 --> 00:23:03.720
can do, because this was more than that, right, exactly
399
00:23:03.720 --> 00:23:08.759
what I'm functioning still, but it's necessary short term for
400
00:23:08.799 --> 00:23:10.680
me to do it. I have to do to look
401
00:23:10.680 --> 00:23:12.920
after this place until I can get out of this place.
402
00:23:13.240 --> 00:23:16.359
Yeah, Oh my gosh, that's so true. Yeah. It took
403
00:23:16.440 --> 00:23:18.519
us three and a half years in the place that
404
00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:22.920
we're at now, which has all these conveniences that we
405
00:23:22.960 --> 00:23:26.279
wanted because we were so away from civilization where we
406
00:23:26.279 --> 00:23:30.000
were before that. We're in the country, but things are close,
407
00:23:30.119 --> 00:23:32.759
and that is a perfect blend for me. I want
408
00:23:32.799 --> 00:23:34.480
to be back in the woods, but there better be
409
00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:37.759
a freaking grocery stores that's something five minutes away, because
410
00:23:37.799 --> 00:23:40.519
I just can't take care of mom the way I
411
00:23:40.559 --> 00:23:43.480
need to if I'm driving forty five minutes to get somewhere.
412
00:23:43.480 --> 00:23:46.119
And if you're able to set you up your life
413
00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:48.839
to do that, then there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah,
414
00:23:49.160 --> 00:23:54.200
But learning that role and overfunctioning too, how much we
415
00:23:54.400 --> 00:23:57.400
get into minutia about things instead of just letting some
416
00:23:57.559 --> 00:24:01.079
things roll because of circumstance that I have to just
417
00:24:01.200 --> 00:24:05.839
let things roll. Yes, that's that's why I talked about
418
00:24:05.839 --> 00:24:08.440
that horizon thing that I talk about because for me,
419
00:24:08.599 --> 00:24:11.440
anytime I just can't deal with something right now that
420
00:24:11.599 --> 00:24:14.640
is not an emergency. And I do not run my
421
00:24:14.720 --> 00:24:17.640
life on how many tasks I can get in a day.
422
00:24:17.839 --> 00:24:19.759
Good for you, that is not how I run my
423
00:24:19.799 --> 00:24:22.559
life anymore, No me either. Now it's you know what,
424
00:24:23.559 --> 00:24:26.759
we can't find Mom's phone. God knows where she put it.
425
00:24:27.599 --> 00:24:30.440
Let's just put that on the horizon because I need
426
00:24:30.480 --> 00:24:32.920
to go to sleep. I have animals to feed, I
427
00:24:32.920 --> 00:24:35.359
have a mother to make sure take an all perception
428
00:24:35.519 --> 00:24:39.519
needs to and the phone I can hear how expensive
429
00:24:39.519 --> 00:24:41.839
it is and all those things pinging me. But you
430
00:24:41.880 --> 00:24:44.160
know what, I need to go to sleep. And that's
431
00:24:44.200 --> 00:24:48.279
the difference before when I was hyper this and hyper
432
00:24:48.319 --> 00:24:51.000
that and didn't know myself and didn't give myself time
433
00:24:51.119 --> 00:24:55.279
to root, I would have not been able to sleep.
434
00:24:55.960 --> 00:24:58.319
They've had to find that phone before you could sleep.
435
00:24:59.240 --> 00:25:03.680
Yeah. Whatever, and the world will tell you you're irresponsible.
436
00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:08.960
You're all these things because you aren't going after it
437
00:25:09.039 --> 00:25:11.960
getting this, and you better make sure it all looks
438
00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:14.000
good at the end of the yea because you might
439
00:25:14.039 --> 00:25:17.279
need to film how you perfectly figured this out. Good God.
440
00:25:18.160 --> 00:25:21.160
Yeah, and again learning to allow myself to be a
441
00:25:21.200 --> 00:25:25.240
little bit messy. From the by my house, it'll look decent.
442
00:25:25.559 --> 00:25:27.880
But if you walk right into the property through to
443
00:25:27.920 --> 00:25:29.920
the other you were going to see a mess. You're
444
00:25:29.960 --> 00:25:33.920
going to see weeds. Because I don't care. I don't
445
00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:37.000
have the energy to care. You said, who decided that
446
00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:40.519
our lawns and gardens have to look the way they do? Anyway?
447
00:25:41.079 --> 00:25:41.880
Who decided?
448
00:25:42.640 --> 00:25:45.200
Y'all have no idea what's going on behind this table here?
449
00:25:50.720 --> 00:25:53.559
But yeah, why do we need twelve cat things that
450
00:25:53.599 --> 00:25:56.920
they only lay on the year? I don't know? And
451
00:25:57.039 --> 00:26:01.000
what is with my flock of seagulls anyway? Whatever, all
452
00:26:01.039 --> 00:26:03.559
those things that you just go, oh, we are as
453
00:26:03.599 --> 00:26:08.599
a society. We're closing in on people enjoying seeing people
454
00:26:08.680 --> 00:26:11.359
in the wild, not in the wild of Oh, I'm
455
00:26:11.400 --> 00:26:13.559
on this great adventure and I'm jumping off a cliff.
456
00:26:13.599 --> 00:26:16.640
Look at me doing this thing. No people are gravitating toward.
457
00:26:17.599 --> 00:26:21.880
Here is someone wearing no makeup, there whatever, and they're
458
00:26:21.880 --> 00:26:24.720
eating soup and they're talking about life and that will
459
00:26:24.720 --> 00:26:28.720
get a thousand followss and likes as opposed to a
460
00:26:28.759 --> 00:26:32.559
perfectly curated thing. Although some of those things still do.
461
00:26:32.720 --> 00:26:34.759
But in the lane we're in with what we do,
462
00:26:34.880 --> 00:26:37.039
the things that get the most attention are the ones
463
00:26:37.039 --> 00:26:39.359
where you're not got something right here? But anyway, let
464
00:26:39.400 --> 00:26:42.359
me tell you about Granny's wisdom and that goes off
465
00:26:42.400 --> 00:26:45.759
into the stratosphere and about to be careful of is
466
00:26:45.799 --> 00:26:49.839
not getting addicted and dopamine rush to that. They're a
467
00:26:49.960 --> 00:26:53.519
balance with how much you share about your life as well,
468
00:26:54.240 --> 00:26:57.160
and that everybody does not. You and I are writers.
469
00:26:57.279 --> 00:27:01.559
We write about our journey. System is we write that
470
00:27:03.559 --> 00:27:07.039
in terms of overfunctioning? How have you dealt with that
471
00:27:07.119 --> 00:27:08.920
piece where you need to write? You need to write
472
00:27:09.000 --> 00:27:13.240
sometimes it's about a situation or other people and you've
473
00:27:13.319 --> 00:27:15.119
got to work it out. Where do you sit when
474
00:27:15.160 --> 00:27:18.720
you look at it and you go should I? Should
475
00:27:18.759 --> 00:27:21.079
I put that out? Should I not? Is it going
476
00:27:21.119 --> 00:27:24.200
to hurt someone's feelings? Is it gonna da da da?
477
00:27:23.799 --> 00:27:26.880
I I haven't been so worried about hurting anyone's feelings.
478
00:27:26.960 --> 00:27:32.000
I feel like anyone who's reading what I'm writing. It's
479
00:27:32.000 --> 00:27:35.680
not on my personal page. Well, on TikTok, one of
480
00:27:35.720 --> 00:27:39.279
them is, but a lot of my friends aren't even
481
00:27:39.319 --> 00:27:42.279
on that page. It's just people I connect it with there.
482
00:27:42.559 --> 00:27:45.279
But on Facebook, I have a separate page, and I'm
483
00:27:45.279 --> 00:27:48.880
not considering other people's feelings when I post, but what
484
00:27:49.039 --> 00:27:53.359
I do because again, there's a softening that's going on
485
00:27:53.440 --> 00:27:56.839
within me anyway, it's real. I use a lot of metaphor.
486
00:27:57.759 --> 00:28:01.599
I speak of nature, and I always add that layer
487
00:28:01.680 --> 00:28:08.400
of understanding where like it, compassion doesn't eliminate harm, right,
488
00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:12.319
there's still harm, but again if you can still hold
489
00:28:12.359 --> 00:28:15.720
space for the other person. So again I'm cautious, right,
490
00:28:15.759 --> 00:28:20.119
but not to the point where I'm censoring. I can
491
00:28:20.119 --> 00:28:21.799
say what I have to say, and sometimes I get
492
00:28:21.839 --> 00:28:26.759
flowery and creative about it in order to diffuse it
493
00:28:26.799 --> 00:28:29.640
a little. Yeah. Yeah, and there is a softness. So
494
00:28:29.839 --> 00:28:33.279
that's not even that's not even fake. That's a real
495
00:28:33.519 --> 00:28:36.119
expression because that softness is true. Now at one time.
496
00:28:36.119 --> 00:28:38.680
It wasn't at one time, but first when I started
497
00:28:38.680 --> 00:28:42.240
realizing things, there was a lot of anger there. Go
498
00:28:42.400 --> 00:28:47.160
through that actual pissed off stage where you realize things
499
00:28:47.160 --> 00:28:50.559
you didn't know before, didn't notice in your interactions with
500
00:28:50.599 --> 00:28:54.000
other people, in your relationships, the roles you played, and
501
00:28:54.079 --> 00:28:57.279
so there is there's that period of anger. And I
502
00:28:57.359 --> 00:28:59.319
was careful then and that might have been a little
503
00:28:59.359 --> 00:29:04.319
bit detective, but now it's not. Now it's I'm saying
504
00:29:04.319 --> 00:29:05.680
what I have to say and I mean it, and
505
00:29:05.720 --> 00:29:08.559
if they're reading it, they're probably doing the work too.
506
00:29:09.720 --> 00:29:12.519
There has been nothing negative said to me by anybody
507
00:29:12.559 --> 00:29:13.039
that knows me.
508
00:29:14.079 --> 00:29:16.359
Yeah, I haven't experienced that either. I did when I
509
00:29:16.400 --> 00:29:18.680
was doing podcasting, and I was doing it when I
510
00:29:18.759 --> 00:29:22.720
was masked that then. Yeah, I definitely had people that
511
00:29:22.759 --> 00:29:27.640
would get upset, not very often from people I know.
512
00:29:28.880 --> 00:29:30.519
What was weird was a lot of the time it
513
00:29:30.559 --> 00:29:33.519
was people that thought I was saying something about them
514
00:29:33.559 --> 00:29:35.960
that had nothing to do with them at all, and
515
00:29:36.279 --> 00:29:36.759
you weren't.
516
00:29:37.000 --> 00:29:38.599
You weren't referring to them, They just know.
517
00:29:39.319 --> 00:29:42.200
They just assumed. Yeah, And I thought that was interesting too,
518
00:29:42.359 --> 00:29:45.920
But I go in a different route now too. I'm
519
00:29:45.960 --> 00:29:48.160
always very careful about it because I don't like the
520
00:29:48.200 --> 00:29:51.480
guilt or feeling like I've hurt someone. But then I
521
00:29:51.480 --> 00:29:53.119
need to say what I've got to say, but I
522
00:29:53.240 --> 00:29:57.759
do it in the same way where I go I'm careful.
523
00:29:58.240 --> 00:30:01.119
I'm a writer. This this is what we do, and
524
00:30:01.160 --> 00:30:03.759
I'm not going to process exactly and I'm not going
525
00:30:03.839 --> 00:30:09.000
to overfunction my responsibility around things I cannot control.
526
00:30:09.279 --> 00:30:14.799
Nope, that's true. That's true. And you when you you
527
00:30:14.880 --> 00:30:16.319
might want to edit this because I forgot what I
528
00:30:16.359 --> 00:30:16.880
was going to say.
529
00:30:17.799 --> 00:30:21.000
No, this is part of neurodiversens right here and benefos.
530
00:30:21.880 --> 00:30:24.160
It's a great thought, and then it just vanished. It'll
531
00:30:24.200 --> 00:30:24.720
come back.
532
00:30:24.839 --> 00:30:27.759
I do that, and I'm always it'll come back, come back.
533
00:30:28.400 --> 00:30:31.400
If I'm supposed to say it, it'll come back. But
534
00:30:32.000 --> 00:30:34.759
I've had this, I've had the sweetest thing with people
535
00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:38.200
that they're just the beginning journey of figuring out what
536
00:30:38.240 --> 00:30:40.920
the hell is going on with them, and they read
537
00:30:41.240 --> 00:30:42.920
stuff and they get into it, and then they'll some
538
00:30:43.000 --> 00:30:46.920
people will message me and then they go through this
539
00:30:46.960 --> 00:30:49.039
process of where they really start to feel better about
540
00:30:49.079 --> 00:30:51.960
themselves and I'm like, oh, that's awesome. They're on their
541
00:30:52.039 --> 00:30:55.319
their journey. But then they want to share every step
542
00:30:55.400 --> 00:30:58.720
of their journey with me, and they'll start sending me
543
00:30:58.799 --> 00:31:02.160
eighty thousand texts and I'm okay, listen, I am so
544
00:31:02.279 --> 00:31:07.960
happy for you. However, you can't outsource your nervous system
545
00:31:08.039 --> 00:31:12.319
to somebody else. You have to contain because I remember
546
00:31:12.319 --> 00:31:14.720
when I first started really getting back into writing, I
547
00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:17.839
would screenprint all these things and I just wanted to
548
00:31:17.880 --> 00:31:20.279
share them with everybody. Don't you see how great this
549
00:31:20.400 --> 00:31:22.119
isn't people would be like, I'm not in the mood
550
00:31:22.200 --> 00:31:24.680
for your whatever, and I had my own shit to
551
00:31:24.680 --> 00:31:27.720
deal with, seriously, Christen, and so I just learned, Okay,
552
00:31:28.200 --> 00:31:30.880
I can keep it to myself. I'm excited about it
553
00:31:30.920 --> 00:31:31.200
for me.
554
00:31:32.359 --> 00:31:34.519
Yeah, just because they don't see it doesn't mean it's
555
00:31:34.559 --> 00:31:39.119
not real, right, And some people need other people to
556
00:31:39.240 --> 00:31:42.359
see it, or a specific person to see it, because
557
00:31:42.359 --> 00:31:44.720
maybe that's all they're comfortable with in order for it
558
00:31:44.759 --> 00:31:47.319
to really be real. They want to share it, but again,
559
00:31:47.359 --> 00:31:49.640
it doesn't have to be one specific person. That's kind
560
00:31:49.680 --> 00:31:53.599
of why mine goes out there, right. I never had
561
00:31:53.599 --> 00:31:55.400
a person like there was no one for me to
562
00:31:55.440 --> 00:31:58.319
share anything with. No one I felt safe sharing anything
563
00:31:58.319 --> 00:32:02.799
with and so from my sister right occasionally my sister.
564
00:32:02.839 --> 00:32:04.559
But I also realized I didn't want to tax her.
565
00:32:04.960 --> 00:32:08.079
I don't. I don't like putting my weight on other people.
566
00:32:08.160 --> 00:32:11.279
Doesn't feel good to me. And so I processed myself
567
00:32:11.279 --> 00:32:13.359
and I wrote, and that was it, and I didn't
568
00:32:13.559 --> 00:32:16.519
I put it out there as a way of sharing it.
569
00:32:16.599 --> 00:32:18.640
So then I wasn't taxed again, if you were going
570
00:32:18.720 --> 00:32:20.440
to read it, you wanted to read it, I wasn't
571
00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:25.319
making somebody can choose to go look at it. Yes, yes, yes,
572
00:32:26.039 --> 00:32:30.839
and I found the same thing. Sometimes I'll get contacted
573
00:32:31.400 --> 00:32:35.240
and ask questions and big long shares, which I don't
574
00:32:35.279 --> 00:32:36.119
really mind.
575
00:32:36.119 --> 00:32:36.640
Not at all.
576
00:32:36.799 --> 00:32:40.440
Yeah, But then but again there's there's boundary and get
577
00:32:40.480 --> 00:32:43.759
to the point where I just don't see for a
578
00:32:43.799 --> 00:32:49.279
few days or or I'll suggest processing through writing themselves
579
00:32:49.599 --> 00:32:51.880
and sharing it the same way. That is how I did. Yes,
580
00:32:51.960 --> 00:32:55.480
And because I being empathetic, and I'm empathetic to such
581
00:32:55.480 --> 00:32:58.319
an extreme that I will feel it with you, I
582
00:32:58.400 --> 00:33:02.240
will be oh my god, going through it right there
583
00:33:02.279 --> 00:33:04.880
beside you as if it was happening to me. And
584
00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:07.319
so so I do have to be careful.
585
00:33:07.400 --> 00:33:10.960
Same here, like I can't I can't wake up well,
586
00:33:11.000 --> 00:33:13.240
I thought about this. I get irritated when I wake
587
00:33:13.319 --> 00:33:15.920
up in the morning and there's like fifty text messages.
588
00:33:15.960 --> 00:33:17.960
And I'm not kidding when I say fifty. That's a
589
00:33:18.160 --> 00:33:18.599
that's a lot.
590
00:33:18.960 --> 00:33:20.000
That's a lot to wake up to.
591
00:33:20.519 --> 00:33:22.480
And I went three and a half years without getting
592
00:33:22.480 --> 00:33:25.200
any text messages, and then when I turned and I
593
00:33:25.400 --> 00:33:28.400
was getting hundreds a day. And then I went to
594
00:33:28.519 --> 00:33:31.160
nothing and was like, oh my god, I'm so grateful.
595
00:33:31.160 --> 00:33:33.359
I'll put my phone in a drawer and I'd even
596
00:33:33.920 --> 00:33:36.200
know that I have a phone for weeks, right, And
597
00:33:36.240 --> 00:33:40.359
now we're back to a modified version of what I
598
00:33:40.400 --> 00:33:42.839
did before, and I'm just okay, all right, all right,
599
00:33:42.920 --> 00:33:46.200
you can navigate this from a healthier place, because I
600
00:33:46.400 --> 00:33:50.640
do tend to have people come in and come in
601
00:33:50.680 --> 00:33:55.119
and come in, and that's I like that. I wasn't
602
00:33:55.160 --> 00:34:01.759
healthy enough though, to over I overfunctioned in that so
603
00:34:01.960 --> 00:34:05.079
hard that I made it messy for myself. I'm not
604
00:34:05.079 --> 00:34:09.559
putting that on anybody else. And I made different choices
605
00:34:09.760 --> 00:34:12.760
that were very difficult for me because I didn't have
606
00:34:12.800 --> 00:34:13.920
any boundaries.
607
00:34:14.559 --> 00:34:18.960
Same like you're saying the same, yeah, same experience that
608
00:34:19.079 --> 00:34:22.440
I had even the way you went from busy, busy
609
00:34:22.480 --> 00:34:25.360
phone to dead phone to now it's picking up. Like
610
00:34:26.199 --> 00:34:29.159
the parallels are phenomenal. It's really mind blowing.
611
00:34:29.599 --> 00:34:32.960
It's so funny. Yeah, when you wake up with fifty messages,
612
00:34:33.119 --> 00:34:36.480
I instantly go God, and then I'm irritated with all
613
00:34:36.800 --> 00:34:39.679
not everybody, but I'm irritated and I'm Wow. And then
614
00:34:39.679 --> 00:34:42.760
I said and go, okay, all right. You can choose
615
00:34:42.800 --> 00:34:45.519
to be irritated about this, or you can choose to
616
00:34:45.960 --> 00:34:49.000
wear a hat of something else. Kristen. That's what I
617
00:34:49.039 --> 00:34:52.000
tell myself, wear a different hat about it for a day,
618
00:34:52.400 --> 00:34:53.320
or see.
619
00:34:53.119 --> 00:34:57.719
It as I can answer these yes, or when I
620
00:34:57.760 --> 00:35:00.159
feel like it right Exactly, times I know that I
621
00:35:00.159 --> 00:35:03.840
can't respond, am, I no longer pressure myself to answer.
622
00:35:04.360 --> 00:35:06.800
I will answer, but it will be when I can.
623
00:35:07.159 --> 00:35:09.519
So then I'm giving an answer that's meaningful instead of
624
00:35:09.599 --> 00:35:14.559
just responding when you're in focused on something else. Yeah,
625
00:35:14.880 --> 00:35:18.039
they're going to get a more thorough or deeply thought
626
00:35:18.079 --> 00:35:21.400
through response. So that's something that I now don't have
627
00:35:21.440 --> 00:35:24.000
a problem with anymore. Were I before I would have
628
00:35:24.079 --> 00:35:28.320
done gymnastics to get to everything right away, Yeah, exactly,
629
00:35:28.360 --> 00:35:29.119
And did I was.
630
00:35:29.119 --> 00:35:31.559
I pleasant enough? Did I help focus.
631
00:35:31.639 --> 00:35:35.559
My god, the analysis, Oh yes, oh yeah?
632
00:35:35.760 --> 00:35:37.800
Was I too much of a jerk? Was I too harsh?
633
00:35:37.800 --> 00:35:40.000
Am I going to hurt through? Oh? My god? Please?
634
00:35:40.079 --> 00:35:42.119
And I thought it was funny the other day, well
635
00:35:42.159 --> 00:35:44.840
just yesterday when all these equipment people were hair which
636
00:35:44.840 --> 00:35:47.199
have been for a few days, when the last big
637
00:35:47.320 --> 00:35:49.960
piece of heavy machinery left the property, I was okay,
638
00:35:50.360 --> 00:35:55.440
nobody died, nobody got hurt, it's all good. But I
639
00:35:55.840 --> 00:35:58.719
remember the day before this big move was going to
640
00:35:58.760 --> 00:36:02.679
happen with the JED and an RV and all this stuff.
641
00:36:02.800 --> 00:36:05.119
People that work in construction and whatever. We've dealt with
642
00:36:05.119 --> 00:36:06.800
that every day. But if you're not used to that,
643
00:36:07.000 --> 00:36:07.760
it's a big deal.
644
00:36:07.920 --> 00:36:10.360
It's overwhelming on a country.
645
00:36:09.920 --> 00:36:13.920
Mountain with tiny roads and all that. But my friend Tom,
646
00:36:14.400 --> 00:36:17.320
which you all know him as NAT's Brandt, I said
647
00:36:17.320 --> 00:36:19.599
to him on the phone, I'm just going to try
648
00:36:19.639 --> 00:36:24.440
not to have anxiety the next day yesterday about what's
649
00:36:24.480 --> 00:36:28.159
going on, and he goes, yeah, you can choose, you choose,
650
00:36:28.239 --> 00:36:31.639
and the way he says it because I know him
651
00:36:31.880 --> 00:36:34.719
enough now and I feel safe with him. My nervous
652
00:36:34.760 --> 00:36:38.480
system feels safe there with people like you. Also, I
653
00:36:38.519 --> 00:36:42.000
don't get defensive all the time with Tom, not all
654
00:36:42.000 --> 00:36:47.519
the time when he says those things, because the whole
655
00:36:47.719 --> 00:36:49.719
man telling woman to calm down.
656
00:36:49.960 --> 00:36:53.440
Yeah that's the thing. Yeah, that's no, that's a.
657
00:36:53.440 --> 00:37:00.880
Trigger yourself, don't do it. But anyway, Yes, but he
658
00:37:01.079 --> 00:37:03.400
was able to say it in a way that was
659
00:37:03.480 --> 00:37:06.199
you don't have to necessarily do that. And I heard
660
00:37:06.280 --> 00:37:09.280
him and I went, you're right, I actually don't. There
661
00:37:09.400 --> 00:37:11.480
is a choice here, And that's how I look at
662
00:37:11.519 --> 00:37:13.760
all so beautiful. There's a choice.
663
00:37:14.079 --> 00:37:17.360
You know him that well and in such a way
664
00:37:17.400 --> 00:37:19.519
that he could say that to you and it doesn't
665
00:37:19.559 --> 00:37:23.159
trigger that response, that reaction of how dare you? Don't
666
00:37:23.199 --> 00:37:26.119
you dare right? That's that shows a lot of you
667
00:37:26.199 --> 00:37:28.360
put a lot of it. You've both invested a lot
668
00:37:28.400 --> 00:37:29.559
into that relationship.
669
00:37:29.800 --> 00:37:35.320
Yeah, yeah, to be really good, safe friends, but also
670
00:37:35.480 --> 00:37:43.880
not overfunctioning. Also not limerens. Also not Also when irritated
671
00:37:44.039 --> 00:37:46.760
about a loop that continues on and on and on
672
00:37:46.880 --> 00:37:50.440
either one of us, you're in a loop.
673
00:37:50.840 --> 00:37:53.199
I would love somebody to tell me that. I would
674
00:37:53.360 --> 00:37:56.079
actually really appreciate it if I if I did that,
675
00:37:56.239 --> 00:37:58.880
I would actually I've never had anybody tell me, but
676
00:37:58.960 --> 00:38:02.280
I would love it. I'd be like, oh, that's right,
677
00:38:02.320 --> 00:38:04.320
and then and I know how to navigate it once
678
00:38:04.320 --> 00:38:06.119
I really sometimes I don't know I'm doing it.
679
00:38:06.320 --> 00:38:08.920
Oh, all you have to do is ask for that,
680
00:38:11.000 --> 00:38:14.079
because I asked for specific things to do at the
681
00:38:14.159 --> 00:38:18.000
end of last year. I asked for young men that
682
00:38:18.079 --> 00:38:20.599
are around my son's age to come into my life,
683
00:38:20.639 --> 00:38:24.079
that I could get some of that energy out that
684
00:38:24.159 --> 00:38:27.719
I love about people my son's age. Since my son
685
00:38:27.760 --> 00:38:29.400
and I are taking a break from each other for
686
00:38:29.400 --> 00:38:32.360
a little bit, but I still have that energy. I
687
00:38:32.400 --> 00:38:35.039
still want to do that, right. So I asked for that,
688
00:38:35.119 --> 00:38:37.559
and then it was like three minutes later, here's a
689
00:38:37.559 --> 00:38:39.360
bunch of younger men your son's age.
690
00:38:39.480 --> 00:38:42.960
You're manifesting it. And with me it was the female wound.
691
00:38:43.920 --> 00:38:47.599
I realized that that again, my my relationship with males,
692
00:38:47.599 --> 00:38:51.400
the romantic part, that there were struggles there, there were
693
00:38:51.400 --> 00:38:53.239
a lot of issues I had to work to. But
694
00:38:53.360 --> 00:38:58.440
my connections with women, I realized the way is conditioning
695
00:38:58.840 --> 00:39:04.440
and and just the way we were to each other
696
00:39:04.519 --> 00:39:07.119
sometimes it was there was a lot of harm. And
697
00:39:07.519 --> 00:39:11.760
so I wished for female friends. And you showed up,
698
00:39:12.079 --> 00:39:16.239
and Christina showed up, and I'm Oh, I asked for
699
00:39:16.320 --> 00:39:18.480
something meaningful and it arrived.
700
00:39:18.719 --> 00:39:21.440
Yeah, really grateful and really know and oh my god,
701
00:39:21.440 --> 00:39:24.760
after all these men, I was, I need estrogen. You
702
00:39:24.960 --> 00:39:28.079
my friend Dereka Kelly, thank you for my purse, Kelly,
703
00:39:28.400 --> 00:39:32.159
all of these, all of these amazing women showed up
704
00:39:32.199 --> 00:39:32.719
and I'm.
705
00:39:32.599 --> 00:39:37.360
Oh, wow, this is how this works. It's wonderful, it's refreshing.
706
00:39:37.719 --> 00:39:40.599
It's going to a place where you get regulated, you
707
00:39:40.679 --> 00:39:43.480
have some self love, you've created room, and then you
708
00:39:43.719 --> 00:39:47.039
ask from that space. You don't ask from.
709
00:39:47.719 --> 00:39:49.840
Please the Mercedes or whatever.
710
00:39:50.039 --> 00:39:52.039
Not that it's wrong to ask for a Mercedes. Just
711
00:39:52.119 --> 00:39:55.480
don't ask from grasping. Don't ask from the grasp. How's
712
00:39:55.519 --> 00:39:57.320
that like? Don't that's a good.
713
00:39:57.159 --> 00:39:59.119
Way to say it. Don't ask from the grasp?
714
00:39:59.199 --> 00:40:01.920
I love that so true? Could you ask it and
715
00:40:01.960 --> 00:40:04.760
then be prepared because it will show up and you
716
00:40:05.000 --> 00:40:07.480
still It doesn't mean that those things show up and
717
00:40:07.519 --> 00:40:10.719
everything is hunky dory. It means that those things show
718
00:40:10.840 --> 00:40:13.760
up and you still got to process your shit with them. Yep.
719
00:40:14.320 --> 00:40:16.960
Yeah, it's more layers, right, Yeah, but you're doing it
720
00:40:17.000 --> 00:40:20.800
from a different from a different set point, which it's
721
00:40:20.840 --> 00:40:23.000
a lot easier. It's not perfect, but it makes it
722
00:40:23.000 --> 00:40:27.440
a little bit easier, especially when nobody's masking, nobody's performing.
723
00:40:27.519 --> 00:40:34.079
Nobody's like we're performing wellness either like no one's performing wellness.
724
00:40:34.119 --> 00:40:39.760
You're trying to also not traumatize or cause nervous system
725
00:40:39.800 --> 00:40:43.199
disregulation and someone else because you're actively in it, which
726
00:40:43.239 --> 00:40:45.920
means sometimes if you're at that place, you do need
727
00:40:45.960 --> 00:40:49.840
to excuse yourself because this is a bit much.
728
00:40:50.159 --> 00:40:53.360
We all know that we can feel each other's nervous systems, yeah, right,
729
00:40:53.440 --> 00:40:56.960
and so we're considerate. We're considerate of each other that way.
730
00:40:57.960 --> 00:41:01.239
And that's again, that's totally new for me, right because
731
00:41:02.199 --> 00:41:05.880
much like things I've read from your writing, you were
732
00:41:05.920 --> 00:41:08.760
the regulator. You regulated other people.
733
00:41:08.639 --> 00:41:11.039
And I'm like, no one should have been regulating from me.
734
00:41:11.280 --> 00:41:14.320
I can tell you that right now. But they were plugging.
735
00:41:14.079 --> 00:41:16.280
In anyway, and I and then and in a way,
736
00:41:16.320 --> 00:41:18.960
it stabilizes you for a minute because you're having to
737
00:41:18.960 --> 00:41:20.800
do it for them, but in the end you pay
738
00:41:20.880 --> 00:41:21.159
for it.
739
00:41:21.320 --> 00:41:25.400
You're yeah, all this, that's right, that's right. I think
740
00:41:25.440 --> 00:41:27.679
that I did it. A lot of the reason why
741
00:41:27.760 --> 00:41:30.599
I did it was I was good at it. What
742
00:41:30.880 --> 00:41:36.559
I was really exceptionally good at yeah, helping people calm down, regulate, process,
743
00:41:36.639 --> 00:41:39.679
sort through. It was natural for me. Yeah, And at
744
00:41:39.719 --> 00:41:41.559
that point I think I was trying to prove worth
745
00:41:41.800 --> 00:41:43.480
like they might have been good at other things that
746
00:41:43.519 --> 00:41:45.280
I wasn't, and so, well, I'm good at this, so
747
00:41:45.480 --> 00:41:46.559
I'll show up and do that.
748
00:41:46.960 --> 00:41:52.199
Let me be your emotional Cinderella. Yeah, yeah, yes, without
749
00:41:52.239 --> 00:41:54.039
even you don't even have to ask me. So when
750
00:41:54.079 --> 00:41:55.679
I get you're just going to do it that full
751
00:41:55.760 --> 00:41:59.280
later at you, It's okay, I actually sign up for that.
752
00:42:00.079 --> 00:42:01.599
Let me examine yep.
753
00:42:01.760 --> 00:42:03.159
And then I can't get out a bed for two
754
00:42:03.239 --> 00:42:06.480
days because I siphoned all of it and I took
755
00:42:06.519 --> 00:42:09.199
it and I carried it. It's weird that that could happen,
756
00:42:10.079 --> 00:42:12.880
and I don't fully understand it, but you almost assume
757
00:42:12.920 --> 00:42:16.280
it as yours, and then you feel it for a
758
00:42:16.320 --> 00:42:18.760
few days. It stays with you.
759
00:42:18.880 --> 00:42:21.400
It takes a while to get out. I had this
760
00:42:21.480 --> 00:42:23.639
happen the other night. I had a friend of mine
761
00:42:23.760 --> 00:42:27.159
had brought over some wine that they make themselves, and
762
00:42:27.199 --> 00:42:30.119
it's so gorgeous. I do not drink anymore, but I'm
763
00:42:30.159 --> 00:42:32.559
not about it. If someone wants to have a glass
764
00:42:32.559 --> 00:42:34.400
of wine, I have a glass of wine. So I
765
00:42:34.559 --> 00:42:37.440
had a glass of wine. It was probably two glasses
766
00:42:37.480 --> 00:42:39.400
of wine because she basically had to be a jug.
767
00:42:39.480 --> 00:42:41.480
Try my wine. And I didn't want to say no,
768
00:42:41.800 --> 00:42:44.559
not that I was overfunctioning, because I can do it.
769
00:42:44.840 --> 00:42:46.719
So anyway, I had the wine and I got that
770
00:42:46.880 --> 00:42:49.480
rush of great feeling that you get when you get
771
00:42:49.480 --> 00:42:52.480
a little and I went, oh, I remember this, and
772
00:42:52.519 --> 00:42:55.599
it was so flowery and it was so magnanimous, and
773
00:42:55.639 --> 00:42:59.039
it was so I don't need anything that makes me
774
00:42:59.199 --> 00:43:02.400
higher than I already am. Naturally, that is something I've learned.
775
00:43:02.400 --> 00:43:07.239
I already run high without the substances. Right, But here's
776
00:43:07.239 --> 00:43:10.800
what I noticed. Because gummies are fine. Gummy, they're fine
777
00:43:10.840 --> 00:43:13.440
because I don't help leave you with a drop? Where
778
00:43:13.519 --> 00:43:16.880
is wine? About two hours after the oh, this feels wonderful,
779
00:43:17.639 --> 00:43:22.960
I had no patience, no empathy. I was just flat
780
00:43:23.280 --> 00:43:26.920
and goes up, must come down exactly, And I went, oh, right,
781
00:43:27.079 --> 00:43:29.480
this is I'm glad that I did this because I'm
782
00:43:29.480 --> 00:43:31.119
not going to get on the phone with anybody tonight
783
00:43:31.119 --> 00:43:34.639
because I'll just not be pleasant to be around. And
784
00:43:35.719 --> 00:43:40.079
this is what that does. It literally sucks so much
785
00:43:40.119 --> 00:43:43.280
of that out of me, and I or I pull.
786
00:43:43.480 --> 00:43:46.519
I put so much of that energy into the moment
787
00:43:47.079 --> 00:43:50.440
that I'm overflowing with it and I'm not dribbling it
788
00:43:50.480 --> 00:43:53.639
out so that it's layered over time. And I think,
789
00:43:53.679 --> 00:43:56.000
and I'm glad I got to see this other way
790
00:43:56.000 --> 00:43:58.639
of drinking, because then I went, okay, yeap, this is
791
00:43:58.639 --> 00:44:01.599
why you don't want to drink great, and this is
792
00:44:01.639 --> 00:44:05.360
why it's important to be regulated, because all of that
793
00:44:05.440 --> 00:44:08.400
flooding at once means that it's got to recoop later.
794
00:44:08.480 --> 00:44:10.239
And you don't want to be around other humans when
795
00:44:10.239 --> 00:44:10.920
you're recooping.
796
00:44:11.000 --> 00:44:12.599
Nope, Nope, that's true.
797
00:44:12.719 --> 00:44:14.360
You don't want to be around your dogs that are
798
00:44:14.360 --> 00:44:17.239
going to be more annoying than usual because you're going
799
00:44:17.280 --> 00:44:19.920
to be like knocket off, whereas before you knock it
800
00:44:19.960 --> 00:44:22.559
off because you're regulated. So it was a really good
801
00:44:22.599 --> 00:44:26.320
experience for me to see that from another side and go, Okay, yep,
802
00:44:26.360 --> 00:44:27.840
I will continue to not drink.
803
00:44:28.639 --> 00:44:33.159
Yep, same with me, same with me again being in perimenopause.
804
00:44:33.239 --> 00:44:36.760
That that actually was the final decider. I was never
805
00:44:36.920 --> 00:44:40.440
much of a drinker, but an occasional social drinker, or
806
00:44:40.480 --> 00:44:42.440
if I had to go to an event where there
807
00:44:42.440 --> 00:44:44.760
were a lot of people I almost it was almost
808
00:44:44.800 --> 00:44:47.079
a necessity. I had to have a little bit just
809
00:44:47.159 --> 00:44:47.960
to even get in the.
810
00:44:47.920 --> 00:44:51.440
Door, right, And that was a regulation tool. That was
811
00:44:51.960 --> 00:44:54.880
it was now we can go Nope, not anymore, it
812
00:44:54.880 --> 00:44:55.880
doesn't work anymore.
813
00:44:56.639 --> 00:44:59.159
No, and waking up again having a drink and then
814
00:44:59.199 --> 00:45:02.360
waking up oak and sweat. We had the night right
815
00:45:02.440 --> 00:45:06.519
because yeah, yeah, it just wasn't worth it anymore.
816
00:45:06.960 --> 00:45:13.119
The puffy face and all that stuff. Yeah, well, Julie,
817
00:45:14.280 --> 00:45:15.119
are we tied up?
818
00:45:15.519 --> 00:45:16.519
We're tied up.
819
00:45:16.599 --> 00:45:17.639
That was so good.
820
00:45:17.760 --> 00:45:18.039
Yay.
821
00:45:18.199 --> 00:45:20.960
So please tell everybody where they can find your writing.
822
00:45:21.719 --> 00:45:26.880
I am on substack, Julie Rain's Roots and Wings. I
823
00:45:26.920 --> 00:45:31.960
am on Facebook roots and Wings, and you can also
824
00:45:31.960 --> 00:45:34.079
find me on TikTok. You could look for Roots and
825
00:45:34.079 --> 00:45:38.320
Wings or Julie Rain's Fantastic everybody. I guarantee you it's
826
00:45:38.360 --> 00:45:40.960
the loveliest writing. So please go there and check her out.
827
00:45:41.000 --> 00:45:46.760
And thank you everybody for Thank you absolutely, and we'll
828
00:45:46.760 --> 00:45:51.559
talk after we'll do that after show, right now, bye, everybody, bye,
829
00:45:51.880 --> 00:45:52.239
thank you.
830
00:45:52.280 --> 00:45:56.079
Fine. Mental Health News Radio on all major podcast platforms.
831
00:45:56.280 --> 00:45:59.639
To explore our full lineup of shows and hosts, is
832
00:45:59.679 --> 00:46:03.760
it nurnetwork, dot com or just Google, Mental Health NewsRadio,
833
00:46:03.800 --> 00:46:06.239
We're all over the place, and be sure to check
834
00:46:06.239 --> 00:46:09.440
out our newest show, lawn Chairs in Space, a different
835
00:46:09.519 --> 00:46:13.719
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836
00:46:13.840 --> 00:46:17.199
voices in the neurodivergent community. You can also find us
837
00:46:17.239 --> 00:46:21.239
on YouTube, Insta and TikTok at mhn our Network and
838
00:46:21.320 --> 00:46:24.440
Mental Health News Radio. Thanks for listening and we will
839
00:46:24.440 --> 00:46:25.320
catch you next time.