WEBVTT
00:00:01.040 --> 00:00:11.519
If you've ever worked with someone who creates chaos, plays the victim, and blames everyone else, then this podcast is for you.
00:00:12.080 --> 00:00:15.679
So here's your host, Adam Holbrook.
00:00:19.920 --> 00:00:23.039
Welcome to the Managing Difficult People Podcast.
00:00:23.199 --> 00:00:25.440
I am your host, Adam Holbrook.
00:00:25.760 --> 00:00:27.440
Super grateful you're here.
00:00:27.760 --> 00:00:49.920
The reason I created the Managing Difficult People Podcast, I wanted to create a place, a safe place, where listeners can listen in, hear my story, my guests' stories about how they can lead themselves better, how they can lead other people better, and maybe gain the awareness of what's holding them back in their own lives and have a pathway forward.
00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:55.439
I work with schools and organizations that want to change culture.
00:00:55.759 --> 00:01:03.679
Because here's the thing: when you stop talking about changing culture and actually do something about it, that's where the magic begins.
00:01:04.400 --> 00:01:12.079
People are excited to show up for work, they connect more with their team members, the bottom line increases as well.
00:01:12.799 --> 00:01:28.079
If you or your organization want to change culture, and I do this a variety of different ways, including book studies, workshops, executive coaching, dispersonality assessments, and many, many other areas.
00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:33.519
Go ahead and email me at adam at lead to learning.com.
00:01:33.920 --> 00:01:39.599
Or you can go to the website at Managing Difficult People Podcast.com.
00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:45.680
Today's episode is about connection beyond the scars.
00:01:46.079 --> 00:01:49.040
And I want to get real for a second.
00:01:49.359 --> 00:01:54.879
I'm hearing so many stories about people in sadness, great sadness.
00:01:54.959 --> 00:02:03.120
Now the cold weather is coming too, and we don't have that hot weather where the vitamin D is hitting our bodies and we're excited to be outside.
00:02:03.280 --> 00:02:04.640
Now it's getting cold out.
00:02:04.799 --> 00:02:07.519
Yes, football season's here, that's exciting.
00:02:07.840 --> 00:02:18.319
But with the lack of nutrients for being outside, the friendships that are slowly starting to fade away with the coldness, we slip.
00:02:19.039 --> 00:02:22.719
And sometimes we don't like how we show up for other people.
00:02:22.879 --> 00:02:26.400
Maybe we don't show up and we isolate ourselves from other people.
00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:35.120
Sometimes we get out of a bad relationship with somebody and we want to hide away because hiding seems easier.
00:02:36.080 --> 00:02:48.080
Think about the relationships that you had in the past, and then you break up from when that one person that you truly cared about, you slip away and you hide yourself and isolate yourself.
00:02:48.319 --> 00:02:56.639
But as soon as you start going back at it and connecting it again with people, that's when everything starts to change again.
00:02:56.879 --> 00:03:02.560
The very thing that you're holding back and trying to connect with is the very thing that's holding you back.
00:03:02.719 --> 00:03:06.960
Now, don't get me wrong, if you're grieving, absolutely you need to grieve.
00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:08.639
I agree 100%.
00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:12.479
But sometimes that can become a long-term plan.
00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:20.240
And a long-term plan eventually leads to that isolation and thinking that we don't want to connect more because we're scared.
00:03:20.319 --> 00:03:27.199
We're scared of someone passing away, we're scared of saying the wrong things, we don't like who we are when we show up.
00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:37.840
Now, when I connect to people, and by the way, I'm not speaking from a mountaintop here, I'm speaking on the climb.
00:03:38.159 --> 00:03:43.680
I am speaking about my experiences and the things that I've learned along the way.
00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:52.479
When I get home and I'm talking to my wife at dinner time, I can easily dominate the entire conversation.
00:03:52.639 --> 00:03:54.400
I have so much that I have to say.
00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:58.879
I want to get it all out, and I'm so grateful that she allows me to speak.
00:03:59.120 --> 00:04:08.080
But here's the thing: as I start talking, and if I continue talking over and over, I can easily dominate that conversation.
00:04:08.159 --> 00:04:10.080
I'll unload everything.
00:04:10.240 --> 00:04:13.919
And instead of connecting with her, I'm building a wall.
00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:18.319
Because connection is about the other person.
00:04:19.839 --> 00:04:26.959
Connection is about taking yourself out of the center and placing others there, making it all about them.
00:04:27.120 --> 00:04:31.920
I used to wonder, mid-conversation, when are they gonna ask about me?
00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:42.959
But now it's all about others because when I naturally start talking about others, what they're facing, their struggles, their things that are happening in their life, they usually reciprocate.
00:04:43.040 --> 00:04:44.800
And if they don't, that's okay.
00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:51.439
Because if I connect with them, I'm helping them become their better version of themselves.
00:04:51.519 --> 00:04:53.920
And that's gonna cause them to like me more.
00:04:54.319 --> 00:05:00.639
Now, granted, not everyone we connect to, we should be hanging out with because sometimes they bring bad energy.
00:05:00.879 --> 00:05:05.680
But the more we talk about them and take ourselves out of the center, the better we are.
00:05:05.839 --> 00:05:16.480
I used to think it was if I was the best, the fastest, the strongest, the smartest, that I would connect to other people and people would want to hear what I had to say.
00:05:16.639 --> 00:05:19.279
But connection is not a logical thing.
00:05:19.439 --> 00:05:23.839
It's all about our emotions and it's about connecting with others on common ground.
00:05:24.000 --> 00:05:31.040
You want a common ground, connect where they're at, and it's about taking yourself out of the center and placing others there.
00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:37.600
When I owned my first business, a commercial office cleaning business, I didn't quite understand this.
00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:42.000
I had this business and I didn't believe in building relationships.
00:05:42.240 --> 00:05:46.879
I hired you, I gave you the job, and we talked about the job, but that was it.
00:05:47.040 --> 00:05:54.800
I didn't want to get to know you because I felt if I got to know you and then I had to come down on you, that it would be much harder.
00:05:55.439 --> 00:05:58.800
But that was the wrong way to approach it.
00:05:58.959 --> 00:06:00.079
Everyone was quitting on me.
00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:02.480
People were constantly taking advantage of me.
00:06:02.560 --> 00:06:07.040
And after they left for a better job that came their way, I would say, where's the loyalty?
00:06:07.199 --> 00:06:09.279
I always thought it was about the money that I paid them.
00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:10.480
I wasn't paying them enough.
00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:12.800
But in reality, it wasn't about the loyalty.
00:06:12.959 --> 00:06:15.519
It was that I wasn't connecting with them.
00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:25.199
When I started my second business, I started to change that, connecting to my people, connecting to my customers, getting to know them on a personal level.
00:06:25.279 --> 00:06:27.600
And that's when everything started to change.
00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:29.439
Referrals started coming in.
00:06:29.600 --> 00:06:33.600
People felt seen, people felt like they like to be around me.
00:06:34.319 --> 00:06:40.240
Some people hide away from connection because they may say, I don't like people.
00:06:40.720 --> 00:06:41.920
I'd rather be alone.
00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:43.920
I like to keep to myself.
00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:50.560
I believe that they've been hurt in the past and they're scared of getting hurt again.
00:06:50.800 --> 00:07:04.800
And like we talked about in past episodes, is when you're in that relationship with somebody and you get out of that relationship and it was a painful breakup, many times we go away, we hide away because we want to be sad.
00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:07.519
And I admit that you need to grieve, yes.
00:07:07.839 --> 00:07:18.639
But as soon as you kickstart yourself out of there, start meeting people again, start connecting with your people again, that's when things start getting better again.
00:07:18.800 --> 00:07:22.800
So the very thing that we're hiding from is the thing that we need most.
00:07:24.480 --> 00:07:31.279
Some people stay focused on themselves, ourselves, my story, my goals, my struggles.
00:07:31.360 --> 00:07:35.839
And I've been there and I'm not perfect, I still talk about myself quite a bit.
00:07:36.240 --> 00:07:45.360
But self-centeredness, that leads to self-centeredness, and self-centeredness left unchecked breeds insecurity and jealousy.
00:07:45.759 --> 00:07:54.000
So if you're saying to me, Whoa, woe is me, oh, I don't like my life the way it is right now, I would challenge you.
00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:55.519
Go connect with people.
00:07:55.680 --> 00:07:57.680
Not about you, but about them.
00:07:58.000 --> 00:08:01.600
Go help them accomplish what they need to accomplish in their life.
00:08:01.680 --> 00:08:03.360
And guess what starts to happen?
00:08:03.600 --> 00:08:08.639
Because when you help other people, that's about the best feeling that you can possibly get.
00:08:08.959 --> 00:08:13.120
You start celebrating others instead of slipping into the comparison mode.
00:08:13.360 --> 00:08:14.879
Others always get lucky.
00:08:15.040 --> 00:08:16.480
People don't understand me.
00:08:16.639 --> 00:08:19.519
And then before you know it, you're in the victim's mindset.
00:08:20.399 --> 00:08:22.560
Connecting with others is so important.
00:08:22.879 --> 00:08:28.160
Now, as we get older, we have adult relationships, adult friendships.
00:08:28.240 --> 00:08:30.639
And adult friendships are harder to maintain.
00:08:30.720 --> 00:08:35.600
As we get older, the kids, life gets busy, a lot of things are happening.
00:08:35.840 --> 00:08:43.519
And instead of connecting with our friends, we maybe text them every so often, but we stop hanging out with them.
00:08:43.600 --> 00:08:47.840
And then one day we wake up and we say, Where did all my friends go?
00:08:48.960 --> 00:08:52.639
Adult friendships are so key.
00:08:52.799 --> 00:08:55.519
We always talk about mental health.
00:08:55.840 --> 00:09:01.279
We always talk about our own mental health, but we very rarely talk about social health.
00:09:01.360 --> 00:09:04.720
But social health is just as important as mental health.
00:09:04.879 --> 00:09:16.559
Not only do we need to take care of ourselves, but when we interact with other people, that's just as valuable for longevity, for our happiness, for our well-being.
00:09:16.720 --> 00:09:23.759
So I'm challenging you, if you're feeling stuck in life right now, go reach out to that friend.
00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:25.360
Text them.
00:09:25.519 --> 00:09:30.159
Let's say, let's get together, let's do something together, let's do something small.
00:09:30.240 --> 00:09:31.840
It doesn't have to be expensive.
00:09:32.080 --> 00:09:37.120
Now, connecting with others is the key, and we're gonna keep going back to that.
00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:46.240
But sometimes we make excuses, and some of our excuses are valid, and some of them are excuses.
00:09:46.399 --> 00:10:06.159
And I'm gonna go through these because they did a survey, it was called the Liking Gap Survey, and they found out number one, that 79% of people crave better friendships, and 86% of people don't believe they have good friendships.
00:10:06.879 --> 00:10:13.120
So this is saying to us that we need to get out of our house, get to meet people, start hanging out with them.
00:10:13.279 --> 00:10:15.840
But I want to talk about valid or excuse.
00:10:16.480 --> 00:10:20.480
If you want to hang out with your friend, then your friend says, I don't have enough money.
00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:22.000
This is an excuse.
00:10:22.159 --> 00:10:26.879
This is a complete excuse because friendships do not need to be expensive.
00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:30.159
You don't have to go to that five-star restaurant.
00:10:30.480 --> 00:10:40.080
The most powerful, meaningful connections a lot of times take place, watching TV together, going for that walk together, hanging out in the kitchen together.
00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:41.519
That's an excuse.
00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:47.200
If you say, I don't like my friends, that's absolutely valid.
00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:56.080
If you don't like your friends because of a variety of different reasons, they're constantly pushing things on you that you don't want, that's valid.
00:10:56.240 --> 00:11:00.080
If you've made that clear and they continue to talk about it, that's valid.
00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:05.600
But that's not an excuse to not try to make further friendships.
00:11:05.759 --> 00:11:11.440
And finding another friendship would be asking the work colleague if they want to go grab a coffee.
00:11:11.679 --> 00:11:22.159
It could be reaching out to that friend and saying, hey, let's go grab a quick dinner, or hey, how about we hang out after the meeting and hang out on Zoom for 15 minutes and just chill out?
00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:23.600
Whatever that would be.
00:11:23.919 --> 00:11:26.240
I'd rather hang out with my dog.
00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:28.639
I'd rather hang out with my dog.
00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:31.279
That is an excuse, a complete excuse.
00:11:31.440 --> 00:11:35.679
I understand adult friendships can be a lot of work.
00:11:36.080 --> 00:11:38.320
I get it, they're a lot of work.
00:11:38.720 --> 00:11:47.360
But a dog is going to provide some sort of connection to who you are, but it's not like human connection.
00:11:47.440 --> 00:11:49.200
There's nothing like human connection.
00:11:49.360 --> 00:11:54.559
Another something else you could do is say to the neighbor, hey, you have a dog too, let's go walk our dogs together.
00:11:54.639 --> 00:11:56.080
Because now you're building a connection.
00:11:56.159 --> 00:12:01.600
Because a dog isn't going to give you everything that is human connection is going to give you.
00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:04.320
I'd rather hang out with my family.
00:12:04.559 --> 00:12:08.399
Now, this is sometimes an excuse and sometimes valid.
00:12:08.559 --> 00:12:21.200
If you're home with your family all the time and you know, a friend asks you to hang out and you want to go hang out with your family, that's an excuse because you need those interactions outside your family.
00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:29.759
But if your family is away, your kids are away at college, and then they come home for a weekend and somebody asks you to hang out, I'm hanging out with my family.
00:12:29.919 --> 00:12:32.159
I'm hanging out with my family, I'm not hanging out with that friend.
00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:35.440
So sometimes valid, sometimes an excuse.
00:12:36.320 --> 00:12:38.240
I'm burnt out.
00:12:39.759 --> 00:12:42.080
Life is hard.
00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:45.919
Life is a series of overwhelming things that happen.
00:12:46.240 --> 00:12:55.519
But this is valid, but there is a but to it because hanging around the right people energize us.
00:12:55.679 --> 00:12:57.200
So you may be burnt out.
00:12:57.440 --> 00:13:03.840
That friendship, that connection might be the very thing that you need most.
00:13:05.039 --> 00:13:06.639
I'm too tired.
00:13:07.279 --> 00:13:08.720
This is an excuse.
00:13:09.360 --> 00:13:13.120
Again, the right people energize us.
00:13:13.440 --> 00:13:15.200
Life is exhausting.
00:13:15.440 --> 00:13:19.120
We're never gonna actually feel well-rested, right?
00:13:19.679 --> 00:13:22.960
My friends never ask about me.
00:13:23.519 --> 00:13:25.039
This is completely valid.
00:13:25.200 --> 00:13:28.399
And this is going back to the connection piece we were talking about earlier.
00:13:28.559 --> 00:13:32.159
I can easily have dominated conversations and I'm learning.
00:13:32.320 --> 00:13:39.440
I'm learning that if I ask about other people, then they're gonna reciprocate and they're gonna want to know about me.
00:13:39.519 --> 00:13:50.799
But if I consistently, and it's not about reciprocating, it's about really trying to get to know somebody and not showing them how smart you are, how excited you are, how great you are.
00:13:50.960 --> 00:13:52.639
It's not about you, it's about them.
00:13:52.960 --> 00:14:00.559
And want to do a little input here is I used to tell people what they should be doing.
00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:01.519
I'm a coach, right?
00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:14.960
I am a coach, I do a leadership development coach, executive coach, and a lot of times people are speaking to me, and I can easily go into advice mode saying you should do this, you should do that.
00:14:15.279 --> 00:14:21.039
But should is a command, it's a shutdown, it shuts people down, it doesn't build connections.
00:14:21.519 --> 00:14:31.360
So I replace the word should with the word could because the word could is a command, the word could is a suggestion, the word should is a command.
00:14:31.679 --> 00:14:35.360
For example, you and your wife are fighting.
00:14:35.600 --> 00:14:38.639
I say to you, you should buy her flowers.
00:14:38.879 --> 00:14:40.720
You see how that's a command?
00:14:40.960 --> 00:14:50.480
Instead, I could say, you could buy your wife flowers, or it's your girlfriend's birthday, you could write her a beautiful letter.
00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:53.200
Instead of you should write her a beautiful letter.
00:14:53.440 --> 00:14:57.679
Or you want to apologize to your mom, you should apologize to your mom for what you did.
00:14:57.759 --> 00:15:00.559
Instead, you could apologize for what you did.
00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:05.600
The word should is a command, the word could is a suggestion.
00:15:05.840 --> 00:15:13.200
And a lot of times in connections, we want to go to advice giving, and that is the word should.
00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:21.679
And what people really need is the word could and asking questions to guiding them to figure them the problem out on their own.
00:15:21.840 --> 00:15:28.559
So many times I'm in my coaching session and it's so clear as day what the issue is and what the solution is.
00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:34.240
But if I tell them what they're doing wrong, the odds of them fixing it are slim to none.
00:15:34.399 --> 00:15:40.879
But when I start asking them questions and guiding them to figuring out the problem on their own, I'm connecting with them number one.
00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:51.279
I'm not a know-it-all, and they feel pretty good because now they're able to make the pathway forward in connecting back to themselves.
00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:58.960
So the way back to connection, number one, the first way back to connection is self-awareness.
00:15:59.440 --> 00:16:05.200
Ask yourself honestly: are you avoiding people because you like to be by yourself?
00:16:05.440 --> 00:16:10.000
Or are you afraid of being hurt, judged, or misunderstood?
00:16:11.360 --> 00:16:14.480
Most of the time it's gonna be the latter of the two.
00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:19.919
We all crave friendships, we all crave those connections.
00:16:20.399 --> 00:16:23.919
Rebuild number two is rebuild trust slowly.
00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:26.399
You don't have to become vulnerable overnight.
00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:28.480
I know how you have been through a lot.
00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:31.759
I know that you're sad and I know you need to grieve.
00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:38.399
I get it all, but that connection, that vulnerability is where everything changes.
00:16:38.639 --> 00:16:43.840
When somebody asks you, and here's a great way to start it, when somebody asks you, How are you doing?
00:16:44.080 --> 00:16:46.480
Most people answer, I'm good.
00:16:46.879 --> 00:16:48.320
You see how boring that is?
00:16:48.480 --> 00:16:50.240
That doesn't connect with the other person.
00:16:50.399 --> 00:17:00.559
But if you say something real like, I'm doing awesome, or thanks for asking, I'm struggling with a lot of different things, or oh man, I'm just so exhausted in life.
00:17:00.639 --> 00:17:02.720
I feel like I can't even catch my breath.
00:17:02.879 --> 00:17:14.000
Those honest answers connect you to the other person instead of the recorded rewind play, I'm good, I'm good, thanks for asking, I'm good.
00:17:14.240 --> 00:17:16.720
It doesn't connect with the audience.
00:17:17.680 --> 00:17:21.200
You could send a text to somebody to say thinking of you.
00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:23.759
You can ask somebody a question.
00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:27.200
Smiling at somebody is another form of connection.
00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:32.319
If you're just getting back into it and you don't know how to connect to people, smile.
00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:34.880
Ask them how they're doing.
00:17:36.319 --> 00:17:37.839
You can send them a text.
00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:41.279
That old friend of text just said, Hey, I'm thinking of you.
00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:44.720
Number four is let people see the real you.
00:17:45.039 --> 00:17:50.640
You can say, I'm nervous, I'm still figuring things out, it's been a difficult week.
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:55.359
Because authenticity, being real, is what people crave.
00:17:55.519 --> 00:18:03.599
It's not about being structured and having to be the best tier and look how great I am, look at all the businesses that I've built and sold.
00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:04.559
It's not about that.
00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:07.440
It's about being real with people because people want to be real.
00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:16.640
Because if they like you and trust you, they'll follow you, they'll listen to you, they'll connect with you, and you can take them and help them.
00:18:16.720 --> 00:18:22.400
Because isn't that the purpose of life is to connect to other people and help them achieve what they want to achieve.
00:18:23.519 --> 00:18:29.519
Now it's so important when we connect with people that we don't speak from the mountaintop.
00:18:29.839 --> 00:18:33.920
Instead of saying, I learned versus I'm learning.
00:18:34.079 --> 00:18:40.559
When you said, Oh, I learned this, a lot of times I'll say, Oh, I'm learning this, or I'm not speaking from the mountaintop.
00:18:40.640 --> 00:18:46.160
Because if I say I learned something, that means that I've already accomplished it.
00:18:46.319 --> 00:18:47.759
I'm already at the top.
00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:51.519
But when I say I'm learning something, that builds connection.
00:18:51.680 --> 00:18:56.160
Learning means that I'm not ahead of you, I'm walking beside you.
00:18:56.559 --> 00:18:59.440
So I learned something versus I'm learning something.
00:18:59.599 --> 00:19:05.279
Even if you're a master at the craft, when you're learning something, people like that.
00:19:05.440 --> 00:19:08.720
They connect with learning, they don't connect with the know it all.
00:19:09.519 --> 00:19:12.000
When someone asks you, How are you doing?
00:19:12.160 --> 00:19:22.079
I want you to ask yourself, if I respond the same way I always do, another day, another dollar, or I'm doing good, you're gonna get the same results.
00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:24.319
Try taking it a little bit further.
00:19:24.640 --> 00:19:26.799
Catch yourself in that conversation.
00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:33.759
Notice if you're actually listening to person or you're waiting for your turn to speak.
00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:38.559
Am I listening to person, or what are they gonna ask about me?
00:19:39.200 --> 00:19:41.039
Ask more questions of other people.
00:19:41.279 --> 00:19:41.680
Questions.
00:19:41.839 --> 00:19:52.319
People like you when you ask questions about them, not about their political views and why you did this or why you voted for that, but a genuine question about where they are in their life.
00:19:52.480 --> 00:19:55.279
It's about the most beautiful thing that you can do.
00:19:55.519 --> 00:19:58.880
We're gonna swap that word should with could ask questions.
00:19:58.960 --> 00:20:02.160
We're gonna be real and we're gonna connect with others.
00:20:02.480 --> 00:20:07.839
Because when we connect with others, we lead them.
00:20:08.319 --> 00:20:14.000
Because leadership is influence, and influencing people is all about connecting with them.
00:20:14.160 --> 00:20:17.119
The more you can connect with people, the more you can lead them.
00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:21.680
And number one, it's about having lots of knowledge is gonna help you.
00:20:21.759 --> 00:20:25.279
I agree, connecting with people, like you could be the smartest one in the room.
00:20:25.359 --> 00:20:26.960
That will help build a connection.
00:20:27.119 --> 00:20:35.039
But true connection isn't about being the smartest, it's about taking yourself out of the center and leading them to where you want to go.
00:20:35.359 --> 00:20:38.559
I'm grateful you joined me on today's episode.
00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:42.640
I have not been a great connector in the past.
00:20:42.799 --> 00:20:44.160
I'll be honest with you.
00:20:44.319 --> 00:20:46.559
You know, sometimes jealousy would breed.
00:20:46.640 --> 00:20:52.799
If I'm in a conversation with somebody and I'm like, whoa, this guy is miles ahead of me.
00:20:53.119 --> 00:20:58.559
And sometimes I admit that I get jealous.
00:20:58.720 --> 00:21:04.400
The jealousy will creep in and I'll start hiding myself away from that conversation.
00:21:04.559 --> 00:21:11.200
That very conversation that could have elevated me to the next level, I start feeling the victim's mindset.
00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:12.079
Why not me?
00:21:12.160 --> 00:21:13.039
I'm working hard.
00:21:13.200 --> 00:21:15.119
Why do they get all the breaks?
00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:28.960
But those very conversations that if I stayed in, celebrated with them, asked about them are the very conversations that would move me to connection, influence, and a greater life.
00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:33.839
I want to thank you for being here with me on the Managing Difficult People Podcast.
00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:36.000
Till next time, God bless.
00:21:39.359 --> 00:21:43.440
So that's it for today's episode of the Managing Difficult People Podcast.
00:21:43.599 --> 00:21:48.160
Head on over to Apple Podcasts or iTunes wherever you listen and subscribe to the show.
00:21:48.400 --> 00:22:02.160
One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a$10,000 private VIP day with Adam Holbrook himself.
00:22:02.400 --> 00:22:11.839
Be sure to head on over to Managing Difficult People Podcast.com and pick up a free copy of Adam's gift and join us on the next episode.
00:00:01.040 --> 00:00:11.519
If you've ever worked with someone who creates chaos, plays the victim, and blames everyone else, then this podcast is for you.
00:00:12.080 --> 00:00:15.679
So here's your host, Adam Holbrook.
00:00:19.920 --> 00:00:23.039
Welcome to the Managing Difficult People Podcast.
00:00:23.199 --> 00:00:25.440
I am your host, Adam Holbrook.
00:00:25.760 --> 00:00:27.440
Super grateful you're here.
00:00:27.760 --> 00:00:49.920
The reason I created the Managing Difficult People Podcast, I wanted to create a place, a safe place, where listeners can listen in, hear my story, my guests' stories about how they can lead themselves better, how they can lead other people better, and maybe gain the awareness of what's holding them back in their own lives and have a pathway forward.
00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:55.439
I work with schools and organizations that want to change culture.
00:00:55.759 --> 00:01:03.679
Because here's the thing: when you stop talking about changing culture and actually do something about it, that's where the magic begins.
00:01:04.400 --> 00:01:12.079
People are excited to show up for work, they connect more with their team members, the bottom line increases as well.
00:01:12.799 --> 00:01:28.079
If you or your organization want to change culture, and I do this a variety of different ways, including book studies, workshops, executive coaching, dispersonality assessments, and many, many other areas.
00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:33.519
Go ahead and email me at adam at lead to learning.com.
00:01:33.920 --> 00:01:39.599
Or you can go to the website at Managing Difficult People Podcast.com.
00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:45.680
Today's episode is about connection beyond the scars.
00:01:46.079 --> 00:01:49.040
And I want to get real for a second.
00:01:49.359 --> 00:01:54.879
I'm hearing so many stories about people in sadness, great sadness.
00:01:54.959 --> 00:02:03.120
Now the cold weather is coming too, and we don't have that hot weather where the vitamin D is hitting our bodies and we're excited to be outside.
00:02:03.280 --> 00:02:04.640
Now it's getting cold out.
00:02:04.799 --> 00:02:07.519
Yes, football season's here, that's exciting.
00:02:07.840 --> 00:02:18.319
But with the lack of nutrients for being outside, the friendships that are slowly starting to fade away with the coldness, we slip.
00:02:19.039 --> 00:02:22.719
And sometimes we don't like how we show up for other people.
00:02:22.879 --> 00:02:26.400
Maybe we don't show up and we isolate ourselves from other people.
00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:35.120
Sometimes we get out of a bad relationship with somebody and we want to hide away because hiding seems easier.
00:02:36.080 --> 00:02:48.080
Think about the relationships that you had in the past, and then you break up from when that one person that you truly cared about, you slip away and you hide yourself and isolate yourself.
00:02:48.319 --> 00:02:56.639
But as soon as you start going back at it and connecting it again with people, that's when everything starts to change again.
00:02:56.879 --> 00:03:02.560
The very thing that you're holding back and trying to connect with is the very thing that's holding you back.
00:03:02.719 --> 00:03:06.960
Now, don't get me wrong, if you're grieving, absolutely you need to grieve.
00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:08.639
I agree 100%.
00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:12.479
But sometimes that can become a long-term plan.
00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:20.240
And a long-term plan eventually leads to that isolation and thinking that we don't want to connect more because we're scared.
00:03:20.319 --> 00:03:27.199
We're scared of someone passing away, we're scared of saying the wrong things, we don't like who we are when we show up.
00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:37.840
Now, when I connect to people, and by the way, I'm not speaking from a mountaintop here, I'm speaking on the climb.
00:03:38.159 --> 00:03:43.680
I am speaking about my experiences and the things that I've learned along the way.
00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:52.479
When I get home and I'm talking to my wife at dinner time, I can easily dominate the entire conversation.
00:03:52.639 --> 00:03:54.400
I have so much that I have to say.
00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:58.879
I want to get it all out, and I'm so grateful that she allows me to speak.
00:03:59.120 --> 00:04:08.080
But here's the thing: as I start talking, and if I continue talking over and over, I can easily dominate that conversation.
00:04:08.159 --> 00:04:10.080
I'll unload everything.
00:04:10.240 --> 00:04:13.919
And instead of connecting with her, I'm building a wall.
00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:18.319
Because connection is about the other person.
00:04:19.839 --> 00:04:26.959
Connection is about taking yourself out of the center and placing others there, making it all about them.
00:04:27.120 --> 00:04:31.920
I used to wonder, mid-conversation, when are they gonna ask about me?
00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:42.959
But now it's all about others because when I naturally start talking about others, what they're facing, their struggles, their things that are happening in their life, they usually reciprocate.
00:04:43.040 --> 00:04:44.800
And if they don't, that's okay.
00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:51.439
Because if I connect with them, I'm helping them become their better version of themselves.
00:04:51.519 --> 00:04:53.920
And that's gonna cause them to like me more.
00:04:54.319 --> 00:05:00.639
Now, granted, not everyone we connect to, we should be hanging out with because sometimes they bring bad energy.
00:05:00.879 --> 00:05:05.680
But the more we talk about them and take ourselves out of the center, the better we are.
00:05:05.839 --> 00:05:16.480
I used to think it was if I was the best, the fastest, the strongest, the smartest, that I would connect to other people and people would want to hear what I had to say.
00:05:16.639 --> 00:05:19.279
But connection is not a logical thing.
00:05:19.439 --> 00:05:23.839
It's all about our emotions and it's about connecting with others on common ground.
00:05:24.000 --> 00:05:31.040
You want a common ground, connect where they're at, and it's about taking yourself out of the center and placing others there.
00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:37.600
When I owned my first business, a commercial office cleaning business, I didn't quite understand this.
00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:42.000
I had this business and I didn't believe in building relationships.
00:05:42.240 --> 00:05:46.879
I hired you, I gave you the job, and we talked about the job, but that was it.
00:05:47.040 --> 00:05:54.800
I didn't want to get to know you because I felt if I got to know you and then I had to come down on you, that it would be much harder.
00:05:55.439 --> 00:05:58.800
But that was the wrong way to approach it.
00:05:58.959 --> 00:06:00.079
Everyone was quitting on me.
00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:02.480
People were constantly taking advantage of me.
00:06:02.560 --> 00:06:07.040
And after they left for a better job that came their way, I would say, where's the loyalty?
00:06:07.199 --> 00:06:09.279
I always thought it was about the money that I paid them.
00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:10.480
I wasn't paying them enough.
00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:12.800
But in reality, it wasn't about the loyalty.
00:06:12.959 --> 00:06:15.519
It was that I wasn't connecting with them.
00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:25.199
When I started my second business, I started to change that, connecting to my people, connecting to my customers, getting to know them on a personal level.
00:06:25.279 --> 00:06:27.600
And that's when everything started to change.
00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:29.439
Referrals started coming in.
00:06:29.600 --> 00:06:33.600
People felt seen, people felt like they like to be around me.
00:06:34.319 --> 00:06:40.240
Some people hide away from connection because they may say, I don't like people.
00:06:40.720 --> 00:06:41.920
I'd rather be alone.
00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:43.920
I like to keep to myself.
00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:50.560
I believe that they've been hurt in the past and they're scared of getting hurt again.
00:06:50.800 --> 00:07:04.800
And like we talked about in past episodes, is when you're in that relationship with somebody and you get out of that relationship and it was a painful breakup, many times we go away, we hide away because we want to be sad.
00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:07.519
And I admit that you need to grieve, yes.
00:07:07.839 --> 00:07:18.639
But as soon as you kickstart yourself out of there, start meeting people again, start connecting with your people again, that's when things start getting better again.
00:07:18.800 --> 00:07:22.800
So the very thing that we're hiding from is the thing that we need most.
00:07:24.480 --> 00:07:31.279
Some people stay focused on themselves, ourselves, my story, my goals, my struggles.
00:07:31.360 --> 00:07:35.839
And I've been there and I'm not perfect, I still talk about myself quite a bit.
00:07:36.240 --> 00:07:45.360
But self-centeredness, that leads to self-centeredness, and self-centeredness left unchecked breeds insecurity and jealousy.
00:07:45.759 --> 00:07:54.000
So if you're saying to me, Whoa, woe is me, oh, I don't like my life the way it is right now, I would challenge you.
00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:55.519
Go connect with people.
00:07:55.680 --> 00:07:57.680
Not about you, but about them.
00:07:58.000 --> 00:08:01.600
Go help them accomplish what they need to accomplish in their life.
00:08:01.680 --> 00:08:03.360
And guess what starts to happen?
00:08:03.600 --> 00:08:08.639
Because when you help other people, that's about the best feeling that you can possibly get.
00:08:08.959 --> 00:08:13.120
You start celebrating others instead of slipping into the comparison mode.
00:08:13.360 --> 00:08:14.879
Others always get lucky.
00:08:15.040 --> 00:08:16.480
People don't understand me.
00:08:16.639 --> 00:08:19.519
And then before you know it, you're in the victim's mindset.
00:08:20.399 --> 00:08:22.560
Connecting with others is so important.
00:08:22.879 --> 00:08:28.160
Now, as we get older, we have adult relationships, adult friendships.
00:08:28.240 --> 00:08:30.639
And adult friendships are harder to maintain.
00:08:30.720 --> 00:08:35.600
As we get older, the kids, life gets busy, a lot of things are happening.
00:08:35.840 --> 00:08:43.519
And instead of connecting with our friends, we maybe text them every so often, but we stop hanging out with them.
00:08:43.600 --> 00:08:47.840
And then one day we wake up and we say, Where did all my friends go?
00:08:48.960 --> 00:08:52.639
Adult friendships are so key.
00:08:52.799 --> 00:08:55.519
We always talk about mental health.
00:08:55.840 --> 00:09:01.279
We always talk about our own mental health, but we very rarely talk about social health.
00:09:01.360 --> 00:09:04.720
But social health is just as important as mental health.
00:09:04.879 --> 00:09:16.559
Not only do we need to take care of ourselves, but when we interact with other people, that's just as valuable for longevity, for our happiness, for our well-being.
00:09:16.720 --> 00:09:23.759
So I'm challenging you, if you're feeling stuck in life right now, go reach out to that friend.
00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:25.360
Text them.
00:09:25.519 --> 00:09:30.159
Let's say, let's get together, let's do something together, let's do something small.
00:09:30.240 --> 00:09:31.840
It doesn't have to be expensive.
00:09:32.080 --> 00:09:37.120
Now, connecting with others is the key, and we're gonna keep going back to that.
00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:46.240
But sometimes we make excuses, and some of our excuses are valid, and some of them are excuses.
00:09:46.399 --> 00:10:06.159
And I'm gonna go through these because they did a survey, it was called the Liking Gap Survey, and they found out number one, that 79% of people crave better friendships, and 86% of people don't believe they have good friendships.
00:10:06.879 --> 00:10:13.120
So this is saying to us that we need to get out of our house, get to meet people, start hanging out with them.
00:10:13.279 --> 00:10:15.840
But I want to talk about valid or excuse.
00:10:16.480 --> 00:10:20.480
If you want to hang out with your friend, then your friend says, I don't have enough money.
00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:22.000
This is an excuse.
00:10:22.159 --> 00:10:26.879
This is a complete excuse because friendships do not need to be expensive.
00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:30.159
You don't have to go to that five-star restaurant.
00:10:30.480 --> 00:10:40.080
The most powerful, meaningful connections a lot of times take place, watching TV together, going for that walk together, hanging out in the kitchen together.
00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:41.519
That's an excuse.
00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:47.200
If you say, I don't like my friends, that's absolutely valid.
00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:56.080
If you don't like your friends because of a variety of different reasons, they're constantly pushing things on you that you don't want, that's valid.
00:10:56.240 --> 00:11:00.080
If you've made that clear and they continue to talk about it, that's valid.
00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:05.600
But that's not an excuse to not try to make further friendships.
00:11:05.759 --> 00:11:11.440
And finding another friendship would be asking the work colleague if they want to go grab a coffee.
00:11:11.679 --> 00:11:22.159
It could be reaching out to that friend and saying, hey, let's go grab a quick dinner, or hey, how about we hang out after the meeting and hang out on Zoom for 15 minutes and just chill out?
00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:23.600
Whatever that would be.
00:11:23.919 --> 00:11:26.240
I'd rather hang out with my dog.
00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:28.639
I'd rather hang out with my dog.
00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:31.279
That is an excuse, a complete excuse.
00:11:31.440 --> 00:11:35.679
I understand adult friendships can be a lot of work.
00:11:36.080 --> 00:11:38.320
I get it, they're a lot of work.
00:11:38.720 --> 00:11:47.360
But a dog is going to provide some sort of connection to who you are, but it's not like human connection.
00:11:47.440 --> 00:11:49.200
There's nothing like human connection.
00:11:49.360 --> 00:11:54.559
Another something else you could do is say to the neighbor, hey, you have a dog too, let's go walk our dogs together.
00:11:54.639 --> 00:11:56.080
Because now you're building a connection.
00:11:56.159 --> 00:12:01.600
Because a dog isn't going to give you everything that is human connection is going to give you.
00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:04.320
I'd rather hang out with my family.
00:12:04.559 --> 00:12:08.399
Now, this is sometimes an excuse and sometimes valid.
00:12:08.559 --> 00:12:21.200
If you're home with your family all the time and you know, a friend asks you to hang out and you want to go hang out with your family, that's an excuse because you need those interactions outside your family.
00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:29.759
But if your family is away, your kids are away at college, and then they come home for a weekend and somebody asks you to hang out, I'm hanging out with my family.
00:12:29.919 --> 00:12:32.159
I'm hanging out with my family, I'm not hanging out with that friend.
00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:35.440
So sometimes valid, sometimes an excuse.
00:12:36.320 --> 00:12:38.240
I'm burnt out.
00:12:39.759 --> 00:12:42.080
Life is hard.
00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:45.919
Life is a series of overwhelming things that happen.
00:12:46.240 --> 00:12:55.519
But this is valid, but there is a but to it because hanging around the right people energize us.
00:12:55.679 --> 00:12:57.200
So you may be burnt out.
00:12:57.440 --> 00:13:03.840
That friendship, that connection might be the very thing that you need most.
00:13:05.039 --> 00:13:06.639
I'm too tired.
00:13:07.279 --> 00:13:08.720
This is an excuse.
00:13:09.360 --> 00:13:13.120
Again, the right people energize us.
00:13:13.440 --> 00:13:15.200
Life is exhausting.
00:13:15.440 --> 00:13:19.120
We're never gonna actually feel well-rested, right?
00:13:19.679 --> 00:13:22.960
My friends never ask about me.
00:13:23.519 --> 00:13:25.039
This is completely valid.
00:13:25.200 --> 00:13:28.399
And this is going back to the connection piece we were talking about earlier.
00:13:28.559 --> 00:13:32.159
I can easily have dominated conversations and I'm learning.
00:13:32.320 --> 00:13:39.440
I'm learning that if I ask about other people, then they're gonna reciprocate and they're gonna want to know about me.
00:13:39.519 --> 00:13:50.799
But if I consistently, and it's not about reciprocating, it's about really trying to get to know somebody and not showing them how smart you are, how excited you are, how great you are.
00:13:50.960 --> 00:13:52.639
It's not about you, it's about them.
00:13:52.960 --> 00:14:00.559
And want to do a little input here is I used to tell people what they should be doing.
00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:01.519
I'm a coach, right?
00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:14.960
I am a coach, I do a leadership development coach, executive coach, and a lot of times people are speaking to me, and I can easily go into advice mode saying you should do this, you should do that.
00:14:15.279 --> 00:14:21.039
But should is a command, it's a shutdown, it shuts people down, it doesn't build connections.
00:14:21.519 --> 00:14:31.360
So I replace the word should with the word could because the word could is a command, the word could is a suggestion, the word should is a command.
00:14:31.679 --> 00:14:35.360
For example, you and your wife are fighting.
00:14:35.600 --> 00:14:38.639
I say to you, you should buy her flowers.
00:14:38.879 --> 00:14:40.720
You see how that's a command?
00:14:40.960 --> 00:14:50.480
Instead, I could say, you could buy your wife flowers, or it's your girlfriend's birthday, you could write her a beautiful letter.
00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:53.200
Instead of you should write her a beautiful letter.
00:14:53.440 --> 00:14:57.679
Or you want to apologize to your mom, you should apologize to your mom for what you did.
00:14:57.759 --> 00:15:00.559
Instead, you could apologize for what you did.
00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:05.600
The word should is a command, the word could is a suggestion.
00:15:05.840 --> 00:15:13.200
And a lot of times in connections, we want to go to advice giving, and that is the word should.
00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:21.679
And what people really need is the word could and asking questions to guiding them to figure them the problem out on their own.
00:15:21.840 --> 00:15:28.559
So many times I'm in my coaching session and it's so clear as day what the issue is and what the solution is.
00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:34.240
But if I tell them what they're doing wrong, the odds of them fixing it are slim to none.
00:15:34.399 --> 00:15:40.879
But when I start asking them questions and guiding them to figuring out the problem on their own, I'm connecting with them number one.
00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:51.279
I'm not a know-it-all, and they feel pretty good because now they're able to make the pathway forward in connecting back to themselves.
00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:58.960
So the way back to connection, number one, the first way back to connection is self-awareness.
00:15:59.440 --> 00:16:05.200
Ask yourself honestly: are you avoiding people because you like to be by yourself?
00:16:05.440 --> 00:16:10.000
Or are you afraid of being hurt, judged, or misunderstood?
00:16:11.360 --> 00:16:14.480
Most of the time it's gonna be the latter of the two.
00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:19.919
We all crave friendships, we all crave those connections.
00:16:20.399 --> 00:16:23.919
Rebuild number two is rebuild trust slowly.
00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:26.399
You don't have to become vulnerable overnight.
00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:28.480
I know how you have been through a lot.
00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:31.759
I know that you're sad and I know you need to grieve.
00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:38.399
I get it all, but that connection, that vulnerability is where everything changes.
00:16:38.639 --> 00:16:43.840
When somebody asks you, and here's a great way to start it, when somebody asks you, How are you doing?
00:16:44.080 --> 00:16:46.480
Most people answer, I'm good.
00:16:46.879 --> 00:16:48.320
You see how boring that is?
00:16:48.480 --> 00:16:50.240
That doesn't connect with the other person.
00:16:50.399 --> 00:17:00.559
But if you say something real like, I'm doing awesome, or thanks for asking, I'm struggling with a lot of different things, or oh man, I'm just so exhausted in life.
00:17:00.639 --> 00:17:02.720
I feel like I can't even catch my breath.
00:17:02.879 --> 00:17:14.000
Those honest answers connect you to the other person instead of the recorded rewind play, I'm good, I'm good, thanks for asking, I'm good.
00:17:14.240 --> 00:17:16.720
It doesn't connect with the audience.
00:17:17.680 --> 00:17:21.200
You could send a text to somebody to say thinking of you.
00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:23.759
You can ask somebody a question.
00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:27.200
Smiling at somebody is another form of connection.
00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:32.319
If you're just getting back into it and you don't know how to connect to people, smile.
00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:34.880
Ask them how they're doing.
00:17:36.319 --> 00:17:37.839
You can send them a text.
00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:41.279
That old friend of text just said, Hey, I'm thinking of you.
00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:44.720
Number four is let people see the real you.
00:17:45.039 --> 00:17:50.640
You can say, I'm nervous, I'm still figuring things out, it's been a difficult week.
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:55.359
Because authenticity, being real, is what people crave.
00:17:55.519 --> 00:18:03.599
It's not about being structured and having to be the best tier and look how great I am, look at all the businesses that I've built and sold.
00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:04.559
It's not about that.
00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:07.440
It's about being real with people because people want to be real.
00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:16.640
Because if they like you and trust you, they'll follow you, they'll listen to you, they'll connect with you, and you can take them and help them.
00:18:16.720 --> 00:18:22.400
Because isn't that the purpose of life is to connect to other people and help them achieve what they want to achieve.
00:18:23.519 --> 00:18:29.519
Now it's so important when we connect with people that we don't speak from the mountaintop.
00:18:29.839 --> 00:18:33.920
Instead of saying, I learned versus I'm learning.
00:18:34.079 --> 00:18:40.559
When you said, Oh, I learned this, a lot of times I'll say, Oh, I'm learning this, or I'm not speaking from the mountaintop.
00:18:40.640 --> 00:18:46.160
Because if I say I learned something, that means that I've already accomplished it.
00:18:46.319 --> 00:18:47.759
I'm already at the top.
00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:51.519
But when I say I'm learning something, that builds connection.
00:18:51.680 --> 00:18:56.160
Learning means that I'm not ahead of you, I'm walking beside you.
00:18:56.559 --> 00:18:59.440
So I learned something versus I'm learning something.
00:18:59.599 --> 00:19:05.279
Even if you're a master at the craft, when you're learning something, people like that.
00:19:05.440 --> 00:19:08.720
They connect with learning, they don't connect with the know it all.
00:19:09.519 --> 00:19:12.000
When someone asks you, How are you doing?
00:19:12.160 --> 00:19:22.079
I want you to ask yourself, if I respond the same way I always do, another day, another dollar, or I'm doing good, you're gonna get the same results.
00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:24.319
Try taking it a little bit further.
00:19:24.640 --> 00:19:26.799
Catch yourself in that conversation.
00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:33.759
Notice if you're actually listening to person or you're waiting for your turn to speak.
00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:38.559
Am I listening to person, or what are they gonna ask about me?
00:19:39.200 --> 00:19:41.039
Ask more questions of other people.
00:19:41.279 --> 00:19:41.680
Questions.
00:19:41.839 --> 00:19:52.319
People like you when you ask questions about them, not about their political views and why you did this or why you voted for that, but a genuine question about where they are in their life.
00:19:52.480 --> 00:19:55.279
It's about the most beautiful thing that you can do.
00:19:55.519 --> 00:19:58.880
We're gonna swap that word should with could ask questions.
00:19:58.960 --> 00:20:02.160
We're gonna be real and we're gonna connect with others.
00:20:02.480 --> 00:20:07.839
Because when we connect with others, we lead them.
00:20:08.319 --> 00:20:14.000
Because leadership is influence, and influencing people is all about connecting with them.
00:20:14.160 --> 00:20:17.119
The more you can connect with people, the more you can lead them.
00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:21.680
And number one, it's about having lots of knowledge is gonna help you.
00:20:21.759 --> 00:20:25.279
I agree, connecting with people, like you could be the smartest one in the room.
00:20:25.359 --> 00:20:26.960
That will help build a connection.
00:20:27.119 --> 00:20:35.039
But true connection isn't about being the smartest, it's about taking yourself out of the center and leading them to where you want to go.
00:20:35.359 --> 00:20:38.559
I'm grateful you joined me on today's episode.
00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:42.640
I have not been a great connector in the past.
00:20:42.799 --> 00:20:44.160
I'll be honest with you.
00:20:44.319 --> 00:20:46.559
You know, sometimes jealousy would breed.
00:20:46.640 --> 00:20:52.799
If I'm in a conversation with somebody and I'm like, whoa, this guy is miles ahead of me.
00:20:53.119 --> 00:20:58.559
And sometimes I admit that I get jealous.
00:20:58.720 --> 00:21:04.400
The jealousy will creep in and I'll start hiding myself away from that conversation.
00:21:04.559 --> 00:21:11.200
That very conversation that could have elevated me to the next level, I start feeling the victim's mindset.
00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:12.079
Why not me?
00:21:12.160 --> 00:21:13.039
I'm working hard.
00:21:13.200 --> 00:21:15.119
Why do they get all the breaks?
00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:28.960
But those very conversations that if I stayed in, celebrated with them, asked about them are the very conversations that would move me to connection, influence, and a greater life.
00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:33.839
I want to thank you for being here with me on the Managing Difficult People Podcast.
00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:36.000
Till next time, God bless.
00:21:39.359 --> 00:21:43.440
So that's it for today's episode of the Managing Difficult People Podcast.
00:21:43.599 --> 00:21:48.160
Head on over to Apple Podcasts or iTunes wherever you listen and subscribe to the show.
00:21:48.400 --> 00:22:02.160
One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a$10,000 private VIP day with Adam Holbrook himself.
00:22:02.400 --> 00:22:11.839
Be sure to head on over to Managing Difficult People Podcast.com and pick up a free copy of Adam's gift and join us on the next episode.
