Part 1: Nascent

WEBVTT
NOTE
This file was generated by Descript
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JACK: [Music] Death is easy.
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Life is hard.
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[Russian Lullaby
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Singing]
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ZACHARIAH: Wow,
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I’m surprised to hear that song.
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My mother used to sing it to me,
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and I’ve not heard it in so long.
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I’m surprised I remember the words.
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JACK: Yeah, I was listening
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to a lot of Russian lullabies,
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and that one stuck out to me.
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I was gonna play it at the beginning
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of this show because I figured we’ll
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start with the absolute beginning,
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like the day you were born.
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ZACHARIAH: It’s crazy you picked that
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one, though, since I know that one well.
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Do you know what it’s saying?
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JACK: No.
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Tell me.
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ZACHARIAH: It’s a lullaby that mothers
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sing to their babies in Russia, and
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it’s like, sleep my darling or else
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the wolf will come by your side and
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bite you and drag you into the forest.
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Sleep or he will come for you.
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JACK: That’s not a lullaby;
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that’s a horror story.
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Sleep or a wolf will come eat you.
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Man, they're really toughening up
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Russians early on, aren't they?
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ZACHARIAH: There are all
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kinds of songs like that.
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There’s another lullaby which is
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about a witch that will come for you.
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I think there’s one
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about a child’s funeral.
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They're creepy when you think about it.
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JACK: Yeah, wow.
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Here I was, concerned about
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rock-a-bye baby in the treetop.
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Like, what’s it doing in the treetop?
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And then it’s like, when the
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branch breaks, the baby will fall.
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So, now you're picturing babies
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falling out of trees in that song.
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So, I guess our lullabies
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aren't any better.
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ZACHARIAH: That’s funny.
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JACK: What did you think of when I
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played that song for you just now,
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when you remembered that your mom
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used to sing that song for you?
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ZACHARIAH: It makes me remember how my
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mother used to love me when I was small,
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but also how hard it’s been for me all
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these years to try to remember that.
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You know, maybe that’s the one thing
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that keeps me from becoming a ghoul.
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When everything is dark, I look
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for love somewhere, anywhere.
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I think hard, I try to remember
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where I’ve seen it, how it must feel.
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If I can find even a small piece of
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love, even if it’s far away in the
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past, it’ll pull me back and stop
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me from being taken by the darkness.
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So, when you played that song,
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I remembered what love was like,
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and I’m gonna try to remember
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that when I need to calm down.
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JACK: What year were you born?
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ZACHARIAH: I was born in 1999.
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JACK: Where?
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ZACHARIAH: In Southern
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Russia, a city called Samara.
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It’s near Kazakhstan.
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JACK: So, should we get started?
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You ready?
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ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
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Let’s do it.
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JACK: I mean, I’m like — I wonder
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how you would answer just a
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basic question like how are you
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or how’s life been treating you?
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ZACHARIAH: People ask me that and I
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usually just say I’m good, but I think
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with you I’ll tell you the truth.
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Life is hard.
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JACK: What do you mean?
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ZACHARIAH: Life’s a burden.
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JACK: A burden?
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ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
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Like, the choices we have to make, it’s
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just really hard to know what’s right.
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The choices I’ve made in the past,
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they all stuck with me, and I
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can't seem to get away from them.
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When you're constantly under this
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pressure to make some serious life
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choices that you know will stick with
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you forever, you don't feel free.
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You feel trapped.
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JACK: Do you know The Beatles?
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ZACHARIAH: No.
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JACK: It reminds me of this Beatles song
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which is, boy, you're going to carry that
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weight, carry that weight a long time.
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They're talking about the weight being
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your head and how it’s a heavy burden
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to carry around with you everywhere.
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ZACHARIAH: I like that.
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JACK: But listen; that’s the
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beauty of it, though, the
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freedom to choose your own path.
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That’s not a burden.
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That’s a gift.
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Yes, you have to live with your
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consequences, but you also live with
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your own victories and the pride
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of things you accomplish and stuff.
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So, why not fill up your life
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with things that you're proud of?
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ZACHARIAH: But that’s the lie.
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You think freedom is about choosing paths.
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No; all our paths lead to the same place.
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[Music] You know how it ends.
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You are going to die.
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Where’s the freedom in that
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when we all have the same fate?
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Real freedom comes when you
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realize there is no winning move.
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You have no choice in all
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this, and your fate is sealed.
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You're doomed in the end.
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Freedom comes when you look doom dead
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in its eyes and decide what to do next.
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Most people close their eyes.
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They can't take the intensity
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of life, but you don't have to.
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Maybe that’s all the freedom we
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have, to embrace doom or not.
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If that is all I get, then I’m gonna side
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with doom because you wouldn't believe
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how free it feels to make peace with doom.
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JACK: Many of us follow a
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path that we never chose.
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It’s like our life is
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crafted by those around us.
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The voices and the images that
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swirl into focus as we grow up
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tell us what our future should be.
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You know the story since it was told
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to you, too; grow up, study hard, get
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a job that pays well, find someone to
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love, someone safe, someone sensible.
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Buy a house with clean
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floors and mortgage payments.
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Have kids.
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Work, retire, then fade out quietly,
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but try to be important enough to
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someone that they hang a portrait up
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of you and have fond memories of you.
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Society will tell you that
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that is what life’s about.
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That’s where you'll find
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happiness and fulfillment.
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That’s what good people do.
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There’s no manual to life, but they act
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like they've read it, and when they tell
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you about it, it’s filled with shiny
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distractions, borrowed dreams, glowing
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screens, polished cars, curated homes
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that look like pages torn from a magazine,
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perfectly-folded linens, 401k plans,
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staged family photos, good parking spots.
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But those aren't your dreams.
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They're props in a story that
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someone else wrote for you.
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They think life is some kind of checklist.
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Gym membership; check.
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Cell phone plan; check.
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Dental insurance; check.
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Electric kettle; check.
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Standing desk; check.
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Two-week vacation; check.
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College degree; check.
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It’s not a checklist, though.
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Life is a storm.
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It’s a riot of contradictions,
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light and shadow tangled together.
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They don't tell you that you can
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experience joy so fierce that it could
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break you, or grief so tragic that
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it takes a piece of your soul away.
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They don't tell you that life
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is way more strange than that.
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It’s mad, it’s dark, and it’s absurd.
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But here's the truth; life isn't
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something you just inherit.
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It’s something you create.
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If you don't take the pen from
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their hands, they’ll keep writing
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your story for you, filling it
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up with check boxes you didn't
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choose, scenes that you didn't want.
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So, rip up the manual.
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Burn it if you must.
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Step off the path they paved for you.
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Walk into the unknown, because the
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only life worth living is the one
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where you find out what it means
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to truly be alive, even if it’s
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messy, even if it’s terrifying.
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The storm is waiting.
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Step into it.
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I’m Jack Rhysider.
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This is LOW.
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Part 1, Nascent.
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This is the story of Zachariah, a young
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kid who grew up in the slums of Russia,
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and his life is more strange, more mad,
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and more dark than anyone I’ve ever met.
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Zachariah will tell us his story,
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but be warned; this one is gruesome.
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It’s gory.
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It’s filled with drugs.
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There is sex, like the
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sick and disgusting kind.
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It’s terribly violent, and I’m
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driving us straight into the gory
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graphic details of all of it.
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So what I'm telling you is
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this is a content warning.
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This is your one and only
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content warning actually.
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Don't @ me and say, hey, I
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didn't know we were going there.
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We're going there.
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So buckle up, because this
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is going to be a rough ride.
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I should tell you some
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stuff before we get started.
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Zachariah first contacted me around
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2017, about a year after starting my
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other podcast, Darknet Diaries, which
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is a show I do about true stories
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from the dark side of the internet.
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He said he had a story for
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me, so we got on the phone,
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and our first call floored me.
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I think we talked for four hours.
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I could not believe the
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stuff he was saying.
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As I sat with it, I realized I
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had a million more questions.
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So, week after week, month after
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month, we kept messaging each other,
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and we’d have hours and hours of
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phone calls to go over every little
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detail, and go over it again and again.
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The were by far the wildest calls I've
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ever been on with anyone in my life
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and that's saying a lot since I've
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spoken with some pretty wild people
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in my other podcast Darknet Diaries.
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Every single time I'd end the call
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with him, I was just stunned for hours.
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I had to go on a long walk and just
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process what he told me and reset before
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coming back to doing the rest of my day.
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We would talk so long and just ramble
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on about nothing sometimes he actually
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fell asleep on a few of the calls
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and forgot he was talking with me.
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He would go dark sometime for weeks
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or months and I wouldn't hear a
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word from him and I never knew if
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he was coming back or not, but then
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he'd message me and then we'd have
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some more calls and talk some more.
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But the stuff he told me about was dark.
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It made me worry about him.
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And then one day he went silent again.
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Weeks went by with no response,
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which isn't entirely unusual.
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I kept messaging him over the
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course of months, hoping he could
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answer some more questions I had.
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But he didn't respond.
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Then months turned into years.
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I tried contacting him in other ways
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but no response any which way I tried.
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So I had no choice but to just wait
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and think more about this story.
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8 years have now gone by since
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the last time I've heard from him.
00:11:33.839 --> 00:11:35.799
Something happened to him.
00:11:35.799 --> 00:11:37.969
And I have no idea what.
00:11:39.169 --> 00:11:40.569
I tried to forget about
00:11:40.569 --> 00:11:43.030
his story, but I couldn't.
00:11:43.269 --> 00:11:45.379
His story kept coming back up in
00:11:45.379 --> 00:11:47.599
my head, and I couldn't shake it.
00:11:48.089 --> 00:11:49.869
So finally, I've decided to
00:11:49.869 --> 00:11:52.079
release his story because he told
00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:54.630
me he wants the world to hear it.
00:11:54.850 --> 00:11:56.670
And he wanted me to tell it.
00:11:56.960 --> 00:11:58.640
He even told me, the worst thing that
00:11:58.640 --> 00:12:00.630
could possibly happen to him is for him to
00:12:00.630 --> 00:12:03.240
do all this and the story never gets told.
00:12:03.870 --> 00:12:04.719
So here I go.
00:12:05.559 --> 00:12:07.680
I'm going to try to tell it.
00:12:08.369 --> 00:12:09.690
But there's a few things you need to know.
00:12:09.770 --> 00:12:11.929
First, he didn't want his voice on
00:12:11.930 --> 00:12:14.389
this show and so I had to recreate his
00:12:14.389 --> 00:12:15.879
voice, what you're hearing isn't is
00:12:15.879 --> 00:12:18.209
actual voice and because we had such
00:12:18.230 --> 00:12:20.329
long chats over messaging apps and
00:12:20.330 --> 00:12:22.859
emails and hours and hours of phone
00:12:22.859 --> 00:12:24.849
calls that went into any direction
00:12:24.849 --> 00:12:27.209
and any topic, what you're hearing is
00:12:27.290 --> 00:12:30.219
a mash up of his stories and ideas.
00:12:30.369 --> 00:12:31.659
I tried hard really hard to meticulously
00:12:31.660 --> 00:12:33.019
piece together his story into a
00:12:33.349 --> 00:12:35.319
single coherent timeline and put in
00:12:35.320 --> 00:12:37.409
his ideas and philosophies in the
00:12:37.410 --> 00:12:38.850
places that made the most sense.
00:12:39.209 --> 00:12:40.839
Some of the things he told me I didn't
00:12:40.840 --> 00:12:42.569
quite understand it until years later.
00:12:43.049 --> 00:12:45.509
But I tried to tell his story as best
00:12:45.899 --> 00:12:48.379
I could with the resources I had.
00:12:49.149 --> 00:12:50.079
And the second thing you need to
00:12:50.079 --> 00:12:51.789
know is that I didn't feel like
00:12:52.059 --> 00:12:53.400
could tell this story at all.
00:12:53.400 --> 00:12:55.519
Because I simply don't
00:12:55.529 --> 00:12:57.909
know if any of it is true.
00:12:58.529 --> 00:12:59.739
I tried hard to get him to tell
00:12:59.739 --> 00:13:01.649
me any details that I could
00:13:01.650 --> 00:13:03.279
look up: names, places, dates.
00:13:03.569 --> 00:13:05.509
But he was very cagey about all of that.
00:13:05.919 --> 00:13:07.610
And I pride myself on fact checking
00:13:07.610 --> 00:13:08.920
things before I publish anything.
00:13:09.650 --> 00:13:10.729
Since I could not fact check
00:13:10.729 --> 00:13:12.429
this story at all, I thought
00:13:12.430 --> 00:13:14.219
it wasn't suitable to publish.
00:13:14.569 --> 00:13:16.099
And honestly I felt like I had no
00:13:16.099 --> 00:13:18.920
choice but to threw it in the trash.
00:13:19.559 --> 00:13:21.919
So I did and it sat there for
00:13:21.919 --> 00:13:24.319
years, and I tried desperately
00:13:24.319 --> 00:13:26.139
to forget this story exists.
00:13:26.479 --> 00:13:29.489
But this story refused to be thrown away.
00:13:29.529 --> 00:13:31.300
I couldn't kill it.
00:13:31.549 --> 00:13:34.899
It haunted me, and I never grappled with
00:13:34.899 --> 00:13:36.579
a story as much as I did with this one.
00:13:37.069 --> 00:13:38.469
I would call my journalist friends and
00:13:38.470 --> 00:13:39.689
I would talk to them about it and they
00:13:39.689 --> 00:13:41.020
would say, "No, you have to throw it
00:13:41.020 --> 00:13:42.940
out because there's no way to fact check
00:13:42.940 --> 00:13:45.200
it." But then I would hear a song on
00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:47.129
the radio that would remind me of this
00:13:47.129 --> 00:13:49.579
story and it would just make me cry
00:13:50.069 --> 00:13:52.850
because of how this story impacted me.
00:13:53.449 --> 00:13:54.630
The lessons I learned
00:13:54.639 --> 00:13:56.390
from it are so profound.
00:13:56.769 --> 00:13:58.539
And I just thought, how can I
00:13:58.579 --> 00:14:01.459
throw away a story that affects
00:14:01.459 --> 00:14:03.640
me so deeply, so emotionally?
00:14:03.949 --> 00:14:06.649
It changed the way I look at life.
00:14:07.349 --> 00:14:09.419
So I think this story is simply
00:14:09.660 --> 00:14:12.070
too good to be thrown away.
00:14:12.070 --> 00:14:13.419
I want you to understand something,
00:14:13.449 --> 00:14:15.119
I really don't care if you
00:14:15.139 --> 00:14:16.639
think this story is true or not.
00:14:16.830 --> 00:14:17.889
That is not the point here.
00:14:17.910 --> 00:14:19.209
Go ahead, classify it as
00:14:19.209 --> 00:14:20.280
fiction for all I care.
00:14:20.529 --> 00:14:22.149
Instead of worrying about if it's true
00:14:22.149 --> 00:14:24.229
or not, what I want you to take away
00:14:24.229 --> 00:14:27.019
from this is an appreciation for life.
00:14:27.300 --> 00:14:30.019
This story reminded me how precious
00:14:30.039 --> 00:14:31.949
life is and that is the main thing
00:14:31.970 --> 00:14:34.339
I want to try to give you too.
00:14:34.849 --> 00:14:36.530
I want you to walk away from this feeling
00:14:36.530 --> 00:14:39.730
more alive than you ever felt before.
00:14:41.519 --> 00:14:42.269
Are you ready?
00:14:43.059 --> 00:14:43.249
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:14:45.179 --> 00:14:46.070
JACK: This is gonna be weird
00:14:46.070 --> 00:14:47.260
and awkward for both of us.
00:14:47.619 --> 00:14:50.820
I am gonna ask you some uncomfortable
00:14:50.820 --> 00:14:54.970
questions, and I know that your answers
00:14:55.240 --> 00:14:57.160
are gonna make me uncomfortable.
00:14:58.090 --> 00:14:59.699
But I wanted to start at the very
00:14:59.700 --> 00:15:02.909
beginning and then go over everything.
00:15:02.920 --> 00:15:04.029
ZACHARIAH: I never told
00:15:04.030 --> 00:15:04.990
anyone any of this.
00:15:05.000 --> 00:15:06.330
It’s weird for me, too.
00:15:07.809 --> 00:15:10.180
JACK: Okay, I’ll start with an easy one.
00:15:10.270 --> 00:15:11.329
What is your name?
00:15:11.750 --> 00:15:12.420
ZACHARIAH: You can just call
00:15:12.420 --> 00:15:14.670
me by my username, Zachariah.
00:15:14.670 --> 00:15:15.730
JACK: Is that your real name?
00:15:16.180 --> 00:15:17.660
ZACHARIAH: No, no, no.
00:15:18.539 --> 00:15:20.250
I barely even remember my own name.
00:15:21.410 --> 00:15:22.419
JACK: Do you have a father?
00:15:23.439 --> 00:15:25.339
ZACHARIAH: No, he died when I was young.
00:15:26.090 --> 00:15:26.570
JACK: Oh.
00:15:27.079 --> 00:15:27.840
How did he die?
00:15:28.579 --> 00:15:29.680
ZACHARIAH: Rebels killed him.
00:15:30.200 --> 00:15:31.180
JACK: Rebels?
00:15:31.899 --> 00:15:34.229
Oh, oh, like Chechen rebels.
00:15:34.629 --> 00:15:35.369
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:15:36.059 --> 00:15:37.399
JACK: Was your father in the military?
00:15:37.879 --> 00:15:38.259
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:15:38.739 --> 00:15:39.859
JACK: And how did he die?
00:15:40.329 --> 00:15:40.769
ZACHARIAH: He died in
00:15:40.770 --> 00:15:42.670
the Battle of Vedeno.
00:15:42.680 --> 00:15:44.449
Rebels ambushed him.
00:15:46.299 --> 00:15:48.519
I was only three when he died, so I
00:15:48.539 --> 00:15:50.229
don't really understand what happened.
00:15:51.500 --> 00:15:53.329
JACK: Did your mom ever talk about him?
00:15:53.549 --> 00:15:54.470
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, she’d tell me
00:15:54.470 --> 00:15:56.439
stories about him, and we’d look at
00:15:56.439 --> 00:15:58.449
old photographs of him sometimes.
00:15:59.709 --> 00:16:01.169
She gave me his pocket
00:16:01.169 --> 00:16:03.040
knife and his wristwatch.
00:16:03.970 --> 00:16:04.699
JACK: Was it just your mother
00:16:04.699 --> 00:16:06.049
who raised you, or was there
00:16:06.339 --> 00:16:07.820
other family members around?
00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:08.640
ZACHARIAH: My mother took
00:16:08.640 --> 00:16:09.719
care of me when I was young.
00:16:10.549 --> 00:16:12.599
Sometimes my grandfather was there.
00:16:13.430 --> 00:16:14.630
We did have some other family, but
00:16:14.630 --> 00:16:15.760
they lived out in the province.
00:16:16.290 --> 00:16:17.389
JACK: No brothers or sisters?
00:16:18.299 --> 00:16:19.280
ZACHARIAH: No, just me.
00:16:21.029 --> 00:16:22.269
JACK: Did you go to school in Russia?
00:16:23.189 --> 00:16:23.649
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, but
00:16:23.650 --> 00:16:24.359
it didn't really work.
00:16:24.360 --> 00:16:25.260
I got thrown out.
00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:27.449
JACK: What do you mean it didn't work?
00:16:27.729 --> 00:16:28.839
ZACHARIAH: I got in a lot of
00:16:28.839 --> 00:16:30.639
fights and didn't do schoolwork.
00:16:31.799 --> 00:16:33.219
I wasn't trying to get in fights.
00:16:33.220 --> 00:16:34.619
I didn't want to get in fights,
00:16:34.649 --> 00:16:35.569
but for some reason kids
00:16:35.569 --> 00:16:36.519
would start fights with me.
00:16:37.009 --> 00:16:37.849
JACK: Tell me about one of
00:16:37.849 --> 00:16:39.859
these fights you got into.
00:16:39.909 --> 00:16:41.539
How did it start?
00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:42.939
ZACHARIAH: There was always someone
00:16:42.939 --> 00:16:44.589
picking on me and calling me names.
00:16:45.029 --> 00:16:46.709
JACK: Why were they picking on you?
00:16:47.449 --> 00:16:49.460
ZACHARIAH: Oh, we were poor and
00:16:49.579 --> 00:16:51.759
we couldn't afford some of the
00:16:51.759 --> 00:16:53.049
other stuff students could afford,
00:16:53.049 --> 00:16:55.179
like taking school excursions.
00:16:55.189 --> 00:16:56.870
So, I would be teased for that.
00:16:59.080 --> 00:17:00.389
JACK: So, if they called
00:17:00.389 --> 00:17:01.639
you names, you'd fight back?
00:17:02.029 --> 00:17:02.809
ZACHARIAH: No, no, no.
00:17:02.809 --> 00:17:04.559
You might not believe me,
00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:06.059
but I’m very tolerant.
00:17:06.459 --> 00:17:07.599
Calling me names and teasing
00:17:07.599 --> 00:17:08.300
me doesn't bother me.
00:17:08.300 --> 00:17:09.359
I don't give a shit about that.
00:17:09.359 --> 00:17:10.889
I’d just ignore them and do whatever.
00:17:12.929 --> 00:17:14.830
JACK: Do kids in Russia have recess?
00:17:14.839 --> 00:17:15.979
Like, do you get a break and
00:17:15.979 --> 00:17:17.219
get to go outside and play?
00:17:17.229 --> 00:17:18.780
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, we have breaks.
00:17:19.169 --> 00:17:19.839
JACK: What did you like
00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:21.119
to do during recess?
00:17:23.159 --> 00:17:23.969
ZACHARIAH: Knockout was
00:17:23.970 --> 00:17:24.849
probably my favorite.
00:17:25.239 --> 00:17:27.079
JACK: What’s Knockout?
00:17:27.209 --> 00:17:28.719
ZACHARIAH: You have to throw a ball to try
00:17:28.720 --> 00:17:30.710
to hit someone and then also not get hit
00:17:30.710 --> 00:17:32.119
by someone else throwing a ball at you.
00:17:32.550 --> 00:17:33.720
JACK: Oh, that’s just Dodgeball.
00:17:33.970 --> 00:17:34.619
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:17:34.619 --> 00:17:35.699
it’s the same as Dodgeball.
00:17:35.739 --> 00:17:36.109
JACK: Yeah.
00:17:36.360 --> 00:17:37.729
I like Dodgeball a lot, too.
00:17:38.319 --> 00:17:41.300
I was really good at dodging and
00:17:41.300 --> 00:17:43.279
catching, but I sucked at throwing.
00:17:43.279 --> 00:17:45.579
My throws were accurate,
00:17:45.580 --> 00:17:46.529
but they were slow.
00:17:47.269 --> 00:17:48.259
ZACHARIAH: Oh, I was good at throwing.
00:17:48.259 --> 00:17:50.129
I liked hitting the slow and younger kids.
00:17:50.360 --> 00:17:52.190
Like, I’d knock kids over, and
00:17:52.190 --> 00:17:53.590
I loved that I could hit other
00:17:53.590 --> 00:17:55.330
kids without getting in trouble.
00:17:55.710 --> 00:17:56.949
JACK: Is that what started fights, you
00:17:56.950 --> 00:17:59.000
blasting some kid in the face with a ball?
00:17:59.610 --> 00:18:00.350
ZACHARIAH: No, no, no.
00:18:00.350 --> 00:18:01.749
[Music] I was telling you about those
00:18:01.750 --> 00:18:02.940
kids who were teasing me, right?
00:18:03.230 --> 00:18:05.679
Well, one day one of those boys took it
00:18:05.679 --> 00:18:08.199
a step further, and he grabbed my bag
00:18:08.199 --> 00:18:09.939
from me and threw it over the fence.
00:18:10.639 --> 00:18:11.820
When I ran up to the fence,
00:18:11.820 --> 00:18:13.130
he kicked me in the back.
00:18:14.039 --> 00:18:14.970
JACK: Man, what a jerk.
00:18:16.379 --> 00:18:17.149
ZACHARIAH: The thing I learned about
00:18:17.150 --> 00:18:20.719
myself back then is my body tells me
00:18:20.779 --> 00:18:24.369
when I’m about to go into a fight, and it
00:18:24.380 --> 00:18:27.779
somehow summons a lot of energy for me.
00:18:28.250 --> 00:18:31.490
It’s like I take a deep breath and
00:18:31.490 --> 00:18:33.160
then I bite down on my own teeth
00:18:33.529 --> 00:18:35.820
and I tense up everywhere, and then
00:18:35.860 --> 00:18:37.500
blank out the rest of the world.
00:18:38.250 --> 00:18:41.369
For just a moment everything is calm.
00:18:43.959 --> 00:18:45.909
Then I just explode.
00:18:47.369 --> 00:18:48.569
I
00:18:51.699 --> 00:18:53.560
felt all that happen, and the next thing
00:18:53.560 --> 00:18:55.919
I know, the kid’s face was all bloody.
00:18:56.500 --> 00:18:58.179
I guess I threw him against a tree
00:18:58.180 --> 00:18:59.229
and was hitting his head against
00:18:59.229 --> 00:19:00.959
the tree over and over, and it
00:19:00.959 --> 00:19:03.249
bloodied his face and he was crying.
00:19:03.269 --> 00:19:04.419
I got expelled for that.
00:19:07.709 --> 00:19:08.409
JACK: Sheesh.
00:19:08.849 --> 00:19:09.860
How old were you then?
00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:11.350
ZACHARIAH: Seven.
00:19:12.619 --> 00:19:14.110
JACK: What did your mom think of that?
00:19:14.650 --> 00:19:15.629
ZACHARIAH: I think when she came to get
00:19:15.629 --> 00:19:17.400
me, she said something like, I’m glad
00:19:17.400 --> 00:19:19.260
it wasn't you who got the bloody face.
00:19:19.869 --> 00:19:20.689
She never got mad at me
00:19:20.689 --> 00:19:21.600
about stuff like that.
00:19:22.430 --> 00:19:23.340
I think she figured that
00:19:23.340 --> 00:19:24.459
life’s a big struggle, and
00:19:24.459 --> 00:19:25.599
sometimes you have to fight it.
00:19:26.360 --> 00:19:28.569
She would tell me to do my schoolwork, but
00:19:28.989 --> 00:19:30.789
she was rarely home to enforce anything.
00:19:31.409 --> 00:19:32.320
JACK: Where was she?
00:19:33.380 --> 00:19:34.179
ZACHARIAH: She was at work a lot.
00:19:34.329 --> 00:19:35.709
She treated me more like a
00:19:35.709 --> 00:19:37.140
roommate than her own child.
00:19:37.669 --> 00:19:38.980
I had my own key and could
00:19:38.980 --> 00:19:40.280
just come and go anytime.
00:19:40.669 --> 00:19:42.229
I’d make my own food and stuff.
00:19:42.239 --> 00:19:44.809
JACK: What was your town like?
00:19:44.809 --> 00:19:46.039
I was trying to think of the name.
00:19:46.489 --> 00:19:48.289
Did you say Summer or something like that?
00:19:49.289 --> 00:19:49.939
ZACHARIAH: Samara, yeah.
00:19:50.360 --> 00:19:51.029
It was bad.
00:19:51.040 --> 00:19:52.279
It was real bad.
00:19:53.459 --> 00:19:54.390
JACK: What was bad about it?
00:19:55.250 --> 00:19:55.659
ZACHARIAH: At least
00:19:55.659 --> 00:19:56.759
where I lived it was bad.
00:19:57.239 --> 00:19:58.910
The winters were harsh, and it
00:19:58.910 --> 00:20:00.949
would get so cold for so long.
00:20:02.179 --> 00:20:03.599
The heat in our building wasn't
00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:05.139
very reliable, so you'd have to
00:20:05.139 --> 00:20:06.740
sometimes sleep with your jacket on.
00:20:07.739 --> 00:20:09.489
There was a lot of crime in my area.
00:20:09.879 --> 00:20:12.410
My mom got her bag snatched a few times,
00:20:12.440 --> 00:20:14.650
and there was a lot of drugs and a
00:20:14.650 --> 00:20:17.309
lot of corruption and police violence.
00:20:17.369 --> 00:20:18.369
JACK: [Music] Did you see
00:20:18.369 --> 00:20:19.809
any police violence yourself?
00:20:20.589 --> 00:20:21.949
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:20:22.269 --> 00:20:23.959
I was walking through a plaza
00:20:23.959 --> 00:20:27.320
in town once, and this man, he
00:20:27.320 --> 00:20:28.689
was arguing with the police.
00:20:30.039 --> 00:20:31.369
The police were on horses.
00:20:32.709 --> 00:20:34.359
The man was trying to walk away,
00:20:35.109 --> 00:20:36.750
and the police kept asking him,
00:20:37.259 --> 00:20:39.689
hey, are you a city council member?
00:20:39.929 --> 00:20:40.899
They just kept asking him
00:20:40.899 --> 00:20:42.039
that over and over and over.
00:20:42.649 --> 00:20:44.659
He would — he was refusing to answer,
00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:47.699
and he just tried to walk away, but they
00:20:47.700 --> 00:20:51.120
got off their horses and grabbed him.
00:20:52.040 --> 00:20:53.500
He still tried to get away, so they
00:20:53.510 --> 00:20:56.360
handcuffed him, and they — I guess
00:20:56.850 --> 00:20:58.220
they didn't want him to run off
00:20:58.220 --> 00:20:59.520
or something, so they handcuffed
00:20:59.520 --> 00:21:01.230
him to the stirrup of the horse.
00:21:02.690 --> 00:21:07.189
But — I don't know what happened,
00:21:07.199 --> 00:21:10.030
but the horse suddenly ran off.
00:21:12.420 --> 00:21:15.390
This guy was handcuffed to the horse,
00:21:16.830 --> 00:21:19.920
and so, I saw him get dragged down the
00:21:19.920 --> 00:21:22.949
street by this horse that was running.
00:21:23.730 --> 00:21:24.400
JACK: Whoa.
00:21:25.189 --> 00:21:25.619
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:21:25.639 --> 00:21:27.259
The man was getting trampled by this
00:21:27.259 --> 00:21:30.519
horse and was screaming, which made
00:21:30.520 --> 00:21:34.169
the horse more scared, and ran faster.
00:21:35.430 --> 00:21:36.980
It was trying to buck and stuff
00:21:36.980 --> 00:21:38.689
to shake the man loose, but he was
00:21:38.699 --> 00:21:41.869
handcuffed to it, so he was stuck.
00:21:42.860 --> 00:21:44.079
So, the horse just kept kicking
00:21:44.079 --> 00:21:45.569
him and stepping on him, and
00:21:46.430 --> 00:21:47.919
was running down the street.
00:21:48.469 --> 00:21:49.950
It was fucking awful.
00:21:51.129 --> 00:21:51.870
That guy died.
00:21:53.290 --> 00:21:53.950
JACK: Oh, damn.
00:21:54.250 --> 00:21:57.069
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, it was pretty bad.
00:21:58.320 --> 00:21:59.949
I guess a bunch of people got mad about
00:21:59.949 --> 00:22:02.109
it that the police killed this man and
00:22:02.110 --> 00:22:05.079
stuff, so there was protests about it.
00:22:05.759 --> 00:22:06.999
They were right; the police fucked
00:22:07.000 --> 00:22:09.030
up, but they wouldn't admit it.
00:22:09.869 --> 00:22:11.459
So, the police just started
00:22:11.459 --> 00:22:13.979
arresting the protesters and tried
00:22:13.989 --> 00:22:15.159
to act like it never happened.
00:22:16.769 --> 00:22:17.320
JACK: Did you say your
00:22:17.339 --> 00:22:18.569
mom got her bag stolen?
00:22:18.570 --> 00:22:19.229
What happened there?
00:22:19.229 --> 00:22:20.470
ZACHARIAH: [Music] Yeah, she
00:22:20.479 --> 00:22:21.439
said it happened when she was
00:22:21.439 --> 00:22:22.699
younger, like before I was born.
00:22:24.220 --> 00:22:25.649
Someone rode up to her on a
00:22:25.650 --> 00:22:27.159
motorcycle and grabbed her bag off
00:22:27.159 --> 00:22:28.529
her shoulder and then rode off.
00:22:29.049 --> 00:22:29.719
JACK: Oh, no.
00:22:29.959 --> 00:22:31.499
Did you say that happened more than once?
00:22:32.119 --> 00:22:32.339
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:22:32.339 --> 00:22:34.229
Another time she sat on a bench and
00:22:34.239 --> 00:22:35.799
just set her bag down next to her, and
00:22:35.799 --> 00:22:37.510
somebody came and grabbed it and ran off.
00:22:38.079 --> 00:22:39.130
JACK: Man, that’s rough.
00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:41.059
ZACHARIAH: In a way it was good, though.
00:22:41.299 --> 00:22:42.540
Like, she told me these stories
00:22:42.540 --> 00:22:43.790
a hundred times, and she taught
00:22:43.799 --> 00:22:45.929
me how to keep my stuff safe.
00:22:46.399 --> 00:22:47.969
She taught me to never wear a backpack
00:22:48.649 --> 00:22:49.989
since someone can just unzip it
00:22:49.989 --> 00:22:51.199
and reach in and grab your stuff.
00:22:51.439 --> 00:22:52.919
It’s better to wear a bag that’s strapped
00:22:52.919 --> 00:22:55.729
around your body, and you keep the bag
00:22:55.729 --> 00:22:57.959
in front of you, like on your chest,
00:22:58.500 --> 00:23:01.070
and always make sure that it’s closed
00:23:01.070 --> 00:23:03.309
with a zipper or a strap or something.
00:23:03.399 --> 00:23:04.659
This way if someone wants to get in
00:23:04.660 --> 00:23:06.369
it, you can push them away or whatever.
00:23:07.289 --> 00:23:08.569
Because it’s strapped to you, they
00:23:08.569 --> 00:23:10.079
can't grab it and run off easily.
00:23:11.050 --> 00:23:13.289
Sometimes she would even tie my belt
00:23:13.419 --> 00:23:15.319
onto my bag to keep it extra safe.
00:23:15.970 --> 00:23:16.719
She would tell me to always
00:23:16.720 --> 00:23:18.540
keep my eyes on everyone.
00:23:18.690 --> 00:23:20.009
Like, she had this sixth sense
00:23:20.009 --> 00:23:21.240
about people, and she always wanted
00:23:21.250 --> 00:23:22.930
me to be aware of who’s around me.
00:23:23.229 --> 00:23:24.179
So, she’d quiz me.
00:23:24.179 --> 00:23:25.659
Like, what color was that guy’s
00:23:25.660 --> 00:23:26.909
hat that just passed by us?
00:23:27.220 --> 00:23:28.670
Or, was he wearing glasses?
00:23:28.899 --> 00:23:30.079
She said it was important to make eye
00:23:30.129 --> 00:23:32.609
contact with everyone, too, because people
00:23:32.610 --> 00:23:34.630
often prey on people not paying attention,
00:23:35.050 --> 00:23:36.239
and it’s just good to be aware of your
00:23:36.239 --> 00:23:38.239
surroundings, because if you get a sense
00:23:38.239 --> 00:23:39.919
of something’s not right, just leave.
00:23:41.860 --> 00:23:44.759
JACK: Tell me more about her sixth sense.
00:23:45.950 --> 00:23:48.190
ZACHARIAH: One time we were on a bus going
00:23:48.190 --> 00:23:50.929
somewhere, and she said we have to move.
00:23:51.240 --> 00:23:52.340
She made me get up and sit
00:23:52.340 --> 00:23:53.089
somewhere else on the bus.
00:23:53.520 --> 00:23:54.820
I looked back at our old seat,
00:23:54.889 --> 00:23:56.959
and some guy was puking on it.
00:23:57.989 --> 00:23:59.950
I was like, how did she know that
00:23:59.950 --> 00:24:01.189
someone was gonna puke on her seat?
00:24:01.190 --> 00:24:01.590
I thought she was
00:24:01.590 --> 00:24:02.409
amazing for knowing that.
00:24:03.580 --> 00:24:04.056
JACK: What else do you
00:24:04.056 --> 00:24:05.219
remember about her sixth sense?
00:24:05.340 --> 00:24:06.479
ZACHARIAH: She tried to teach it to me.
00:24:06.730 --> 00:24:08.280
A few times we’d be waiting for
00:24:08.280 --> 00:24:09.830
a bus in a busy area, and she’d
00:24:09.980 --> 00:24:12.460
sit close to me and point out all
00:24:12.460 --> 00:24:14.259
the suspicious people she sees.
00:24:14.889 --> 00:24:16.880
She’d say, that man over there
00:24:16.969 --> 00:24:18.179
is too close to that lady.
00:24:19.099 --> 00:24:21.819
I remember I said to her, wait, how do you
00:24:21.820 --> 00:24:23.979
know it’s not her boyfriend or something?
00:24:24.540 --> 00:24:26.339
She said, no, they came from
00:24:26.340 --> 00:24:27.599
two different directions.
00:24:28.099 --> 00:24:30.070
She hasn't made eye contact with him yet.
00:24:30.379 --> 00:24:32.039
He’s standing too close to her,
00:24:32.039 --> 00:24:33.519
like he’s going to pickpocket her.
00:24:34.489 --> 00:24:36.980
She’d tell me to look at everyone’s eyes
00:24:36.980 --> 00:24:39.019
and never trust anyone who doesn't look
00:24:39.020 --> 00:24:40.470
you in the eye when they talk to you.
00:24:41.189 --> 00:24:42.449
We saw a guy who was looking around
00:24:42.660 --> 00:24:43.849
erratically, and she said, he either
00:24:43.849 --> 00:24:46.399
just committed a crime or was about to.
00:24:48.099 --> 00:24:50.519
I said, well, maybe he’s just curious
00:24:50.519 --> 00:24:52.169
or looking for his friend or something.
00:24:52.599 --> 00:24:55.469
She said, no, he’s not making eye contact
00:24:55.470 --> 00:24:57.129
with anyone, and he’s looking at what
00:24:57.129 --> 00:24:59.480
people have; their jewellery, their bags,
00:24:59.689 --> 00:25:01.099
and whether or not they're looking at him.
00:25:01.689 --> 00:25:02.690
She said his focus was
00:25:02.690 --> 00:25:03.709
in the wrong places.
00:25:04.509 --> 00:25:06.410
She always told me reasons why I
00:25:06.410 --> 00:25:08.059
shouldn't trust certain people, too.
00:25:08.580 --> 00:25:10.649
Like, I brought a friend over once and she
00:25:10.650 --> 00:25:12.749
told me not to bring him back, 'cause she
00:25:12.750 --> 00:25:14.219
didn't like the way he asked questions.
00:25:14.549 --> 00:25:15.589
She thought he might steal
00:25:15.589 --> 00:25:16.780
something from the apartment.
00:25:17.860 --> 00:25:20.599
Once she met my teacher, and she told me
00:25:20.669 --> 00:25:22.830
she doesn't trust him since when she shook
00:25:22.830 --> 00:25:25.329
his hand, his hand was cold and sweaty.
00:25:27.159 --> 00:25:29.109
Once someone dropped some coins in the
00:25:29.110 --> 00:25:31.899
street, and her immediate instinct was
00:25:31.899 --> 00:25:33.880
to grab me and grab her bag and get away.
00:25:34.919 --> 00:25:35.489
JACK: Why?
00:25:36.049 --> 00:25:37.669
ZACHARIAH: She said that’s a trick used to
00:25:37.669 --> 00:25:39.829
distract people to steal things from them.
00:25:40.680 --> 00:25:42.270
I guess a few coins is worth losing
00:25:42.270 --> 00:25:43.989
if it’s a good distraction to steal
00:25:43.989 --> 00:25:45.329
something that’s worth a lot more.
00:25:47.049 --> 00:25:48.039
JACK: She sounds pretty smart.
00:25:48.799 --> 00:25:49.009
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:25:49.009 --> 00:25:50.169
When she was going out, she was
00:25:50.169 --> 00:25:51.849
always very vigilant, always looking
00:25:51.849 --> 00:25:53.179
over her shoulder and trying to
00:25:53.190 --> 00:25:54.739
be aware of everyone around her.
00:25:54.739 --> 00:25:57.409
She never wore high heels or anything.
00:25:57.410 --> 00:25:59.759
She always wanted us to have sturdy
00:25:59.770 --> 00:26:01.519
shoes in case we had to run away or
00:26:01.529 --> 00:26:04.189
step on broken glass or something.
00:26:05.139 --> 00:26:06.780
She never wore flashy jewellery
00:26:07.309 --> 00:26:08.159
and she tried not to draw
00:26:08.160 --> 00:26:09.359
any attention to herself.
00:26:10.259 --> 00:26:11.930
She was really good at blending in, too.
00:26:13.229 --> 00:26:13.909
She would wear basic
00:26:13.910 --> 00:26:15.780
clothes and nothing fancy.
00:26:16.669 --> 00:26:17.879
JACK: Did you ever see
00:26:17.889 --> 00:26:19.689
your mom commit any crimes?
00:26:21.160 --> 00:26:22.220
ZACHARIAH: Not really.
00:26:23.020 --> 00:26:23.899
I mean, I don't know.
00:26:24.019 --> 00:26:24.930
Here, I’ll tell you a story and
00:26:24.940 --> 00:26:26.389
you tell me if this is illegal.
00:26:27.360 --> 00:26:30.499
When I got kicked out of school, she
00:26:30.529 --> 00:26:33.319
forged some documents saying that we
00:26:33.330 --> 00:26:35.809
lived somewhere else to try to get me into
00:26:35.809 --> 00:26:38.380
a better school, but that didn't work.
00:26:38.380 --> 00:26:39.639
Is that illegal?
00:26:42.519 --> 00:26:44.260
JACK: That’s against the rules,
00:26:44.260 --> 00:26:45.540
but I don't think that’s illegal.
00:26:46.890 --> 00:26:48.720
ZACHARIAH: We would sometimes
00:26:48.730 --> 00:26:50.560
get really cheap milk from the
00:26:50.560 --> 00:26:52.890
government, like welfare milk, and
00:26:52.890 --> 00:26:55.020
then she’d sell it to people for
00:26:55.020 --> 00:26:57.540
more money than what she paid for it.
00:26:59.810 --> 00:27:01.639
JACK: Man, that one’s questionable.
00:27:01.770 --> 00:27:02.669
I’m not sure.
00:27:04.059 --> 00:27:06.029
Gosh, your whole life is ambiguous.
00:27:06.799 --> 00:27:07.810
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, it really is.
00:27:08.070 --> 00:27:09.920
Okay, here's one, and I still
00:27:09.920 --> 00:27:12.030
do this today, actually.
00:27:13.070 --> 00:27:16.459
My dad fixed it so the electricity wires
00:27:16.669 --> 00:27:19.780
skipped the meter to our apartment, so we
00:27:19.780 --> 00:27:21.520
would get free electricity since it never
00:27:21.520 --> 00:27:23.210
showed on the meter that we used any.
00:27:23.219 --> 00:27:26.419
JACK: Yeah, not only could you
00:27:26.430 --> 00:27:27.909
get in trouble for that one,
00:27:28.160 --> 00:27:29.779
but that’s extremely dangerous.
00:27:29.820 --> 00:27:31.259
Electricity can kill you.
00:27:32.559 --> 00:27:33.459
ZACHARIAH: One winter the power went
00:27:33.459 --> 00:27:35.499
out, and someone came to check on the
00:27:35.500 --> 00:27:37.779
electric in our apartment and saw that,
00:27:37.779 --> 00:27:40.560
and they fixed it, so we had to pay again.
00:27:41.459 --> 00:27:42.819
But mom put a big magnet on
00:27:42.820 --> 00:27:43.960
the meter and said that would
00:27:43.960 --> 00:27:45.249
slow down the spinning of it.
00:27:46.259 --> 00:27:47.549
I don't know if that worked or not.
00:27:47.549 --> 00:27:49.130
But where I’m living now, we
00:27:49.130 --> 00:27:50.209
jumped the meter and we're
00:27:50.209 --> 00:27:51.359
getting free electricity here.
00:27:52.330 --> 00:27:55.459
JACK: I want to — that’s really
00:27:55.459 --> 00:27:56.520
interesting, but I want to save
00:27:56.520 --> 00:27:59.130
what you're doing now for later.
00:28:01.220 --> 00:28:02.859
Did you do much stealing
00:28:02.860 --> 00:28:04.129
yourself when you were a kid?
00:28:05.379 --> 00:28:05.939
ZACHARIAH: No, no, no.
00:28:05.989 --> 00:28:06.999
I don't like stealing.
00:28:07.139 --> 00:28:08.199
I don't like taking someone
00:28:08.199 --> 00:28:10.070
else’s stuff because I don't
00:28:10.070 --> 00:28:11.329
want my stuff stolen, you know?
00:28:11.589 --> 00:28:12.989
But I did other things.
00:28:14.329 --> 00:28:14.759
JACK: Like what?
00:28:15.889 --> 00:28:16.769
ZACHARIAH: I got drunk
00:28:16.829 --> 00:28:17.959
when I was eight years old.
00:28:18.570 --> 00:28:20.300
I took it on the roof and drank it.
00:28:21.829 --> 00:28:23.549
JACK: How’d you get the alcohol?
00:28:24.610 --> 00:28:25.159
ZACHARIAH: I bought it.
00:28:25.209 --> 00:28:26.489
My mom gave me a little money
00:28:26.489 --> 00:28:27.780
sometimes, and so, I’d save up.
00:28:28.149 --> 00:28:29.329
I went to the store and
00:28:29.369 --> 00:28:31.439
asked for a bottle of beer.
00:28:31.610 --> 00:28:32.770
The attendant took it from the
00:28:32.770 --> 00:28:35.950
shelf and looked at me and saw I was
00:28:35.950 --> 00:28:37.520
just a kid, and she didn't want to
00:28:37.520 --> 00:28:39.909
give it to me, but she didn't say
00:28:39.909 --> 00:28:41.240
anything and I didn't say anything.
00:28:41.930 --> 00:28:43.639
So, I just added some more money to
00:28:43.639 --> 00:28:46.140
the counter, and she handed it to me
00:28:46.140 --> 00:28:47.829
and said, get the fuck out of my store.
00:28:49.019 --> 00:28:50.219
JACK: Isn’t it illegal for
00:28:50.220 --> 00:28:51.880
kids to buy beer in Russia?
00:28:53.339 --> 00:28:54.460
ZACHARIAH: Yes, it’s illegal, but
00:28:54.460 --> 00:28:55.589
people are so desperate for money
00:28:55.589 --> 00:28:57.139
they’ll take it even if it is illegal.
00:28:57.289 --> 00:28:58.350
They’ll do anything for money.
00:28:59.619 --> 00:29:00.829
JACK: Okay, so, you were saying
00:29:00.839 --> 00:29:03.540
you took this beer up on the roof?
00:29:04.199 --> 00:29:04.389
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:29:04.389 --> 00:29:05.599
I’d sometimes hang out with my
00:29:05.599 --> 00:29:07.060
friends on the building rooftop.
00:29:07.060 --> 00:29:08.969
There was a trick to get up
00:29:08.970 --> 00:29:10.220
there, like a little secret.
00:29:10.970 --> 00:29:13.179
You had to be real quiet or else someone
00:29:13.179 --> 00:29:15.290
would catch you and then send you away.
00:29:16.229 --> 00:29:18.589
So, you had to switch staircases
00:29:18.589 --> 00:29:20.179
and go through an unmarked door.
00:29:20.720 --> 00:29:21.479
But once you got up there,
00:29:21.479 --> 00:29:22.550
nobody would ever bother you.
00:29:23.410 --> 00:29:24.859
JACK: How tall was this building?
00:29:25.229 --> 00:29:27.629
ZACHARIAH: I think ten stories high.
00:29:28.629 --> 00:29:29.640
It was real chill up there.
00:29:30.449 --> 00:29:31.600
JACK: And that’s where you got drunk.
00:29:32.729 --> 00:29:33.099
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:29:33.099 --> 00:29:34.670
So, I took the bottle up there
00:29:34.819 --> 00:29:36.399
and I drank it on the roof.
00:29:37.009 --> 00:29:38.109
It was so gross.
00:29:38.169 --> 00:29:40.750
I remember wondering if mine was rotten
00:29:40.750 --> 00:29:43.090
or something, but I just kept drinking it.
00:29:44.100 --> 00:29:45.570
I got so sick.
00:29:45.760 --> 00:29:48.179
I fell asleep up there, and I
00:29:48.190 --> 00:29:50.049
woke up — I woke up on the other
00:29:50.050 --> 00:29:53.020
side of town in the street.
00:29:53.730 --> 00:29:55.309
I have no idea how I got there.
00:29:56.400 --> 00:29:57.949
We went on that roof a lot, actually.
00:29:57.949 --> 00:29:59.210
I have a lot of memories up there.
00:29:59.740 --> 00:30:01.610
There was — that was the first time
00:30:01.610 --> 00:30:03.649
where I smoked a cigarette, too, and I
00:30:03.650 --> 00:30:05.339
found it really peaceful being up there.
00:30:06.119 --> 00:30:08.270
I liked how big I felt standing up
00:30:08.270 --> 00:30:09.999
there, you know, looking down and
00:30:10.010 --> 00:30:12.089
seeing how small everyone was below.
00:30:12.969 --> 00:30:13.909
It just didn't seem like their
00:30:13.910 --> 00:30:15.419
problems were important anymore.
00:30:16.090 --> 00:30:17.719
The wind that would blow up there made us
00:30:17.719 --> 00:30:19.889
feel like we were flying with the birds.
00:30:20.419 --> 00:30:22.350
The city seemed so frantic
00:30:22.350 --> 00:30:23.820
and peaceful at the same time.
00:30:24.009 --> 00:30:25.439
Like, everyone was working so hard
00:30:25.450 --> 00:30:27.160
to go from one place to another.
00:30:27.459 --> 00:30:28.309
I wanted to tell them,
00:30:28.309 --> 00:30:29.760
just chill and enjoy life.
00:30:30.180 --> 00:30:31.859
But people were rushing everywhere and
00:30:31.859 --> 00:30:33.280
it just seemed like such a struggle.
00:30:33.689 --> 00:30:35.029
I wondered if they were aware of
00:30:35.029 --> 00:30:37.009
their own behaviors since it all
00:30:37.009 --> 00:30:38.350
seemed so predictable watching
00:30:38.350 --> 00:30:40.660
it from way high up like this, or
00:30:40.660 --> 00:30:42.239
if they were just on autopilot.
00:30:42.820 --> 00:30:43.709
JACK: What other crimes did
00:30:43.709 --> 00:30:44.789
you do when you were eight?
00:30:45.689 --> 00:30:46.329
ZACHARIAH: Man, you think
00:30:46.330 --> 00:30:47.729
my life is just all crime?
00:30:48.720 --> 00:30:49.649
JACK: It’s just that your life
00:30:49.669 --> 00:30:50.910
is so different than mine.
00:30:51.400 --> 00:30:52.959
My mom taught me how to knit
00:30:52.970 --> 00:30:54.680
and plant flowers, you know?
00:30:56.159 --> 00:30:56.469
ZACHARIAH: That sounds
00:30:56.470 --> 00:30:57.479
like you had a great mom.
00:30:58.320 --> 00:30:59.350
JACK: No, I don't get
00:30:59.350 --> 00:31:00.550
along with her, actually.
00:31:01.379 --> 00:31:02.179
ZACHARIAH: Oh, that sucks.
00:31:02.199 --> 00:31:02.669
I’m sorry.
00:31:04.199 --> 00:31:04.549
JACK: Thanks.
00:31:04.549 --> 00:31:05.220
It’s fine, though.
00:31:05.220 --> 00:31:06.320
I’m over it.
00:31:06.629 --> 00:31:08.250
ZACHARIAH: What was your mom like?
00:31:08.809 --> 00:31:10.249
JACK: No, I don't want to get into it.
00:31:10.349 --> 00:31:13.159
I want to hear the crimes
00:31:13.169 --> 00:31:14.389
you did when you were a kid.
00:31:14.750 --> 00:31:15.439
ZACHARIAH: I just don't see
00:31:15.439 --> 00:31:16.989
it as crime like you do.
00:31:17.139 --> 00:31:19.019
To me it’s more like surviving.
00:31:19.339 --> 00:31:22.679
It’s like cutting up a potato.
00:31:23.110 --> 00:31:24.459
The knife is sharp.
00:31:24.629 --> 00:31:26.449
One wrong move and
00:31:26.449 --> 00:31:27.349
you're in a lot of pain.
00:31:27.729 --> 00:31:30.219
So, it’s a risk to cut up potatoes,
00:31:30.649 --> 00:31:32.119
but you don't avoid cutting up
00:31:32.129 --> 00:31:33.809
potatoes because knives are sharp.
00:31:34.309 --> 00:31:35.959
You learn how to be careful with it.
00:31:36.599 --> 00:31:37.760
It’s the same with crime.
00:31:38.029 --> 00:31:40.200
The world doesn't hand you what you need.
00:31:40.500 --> 00:31:41.889
You have to take it.
00:31:42.809 --> 00:31:44.570
Just like with the knife, if you're
00:31:44.570 --> 00:31:46.599
not careful, if you don't respect the
00:31:46.599 --> 00:31:48.759
risk, you're the one who gets cut.
00:31:49.910 --> 00:31:51.379
JACK: So, cut or be cut.
00:31:52.679 --> 00:31:54.449
ZACHARIAH: No, I’m not saying that.
00:31:55.179 --> 00:31:57.459
It’s like when you find
00:31:57.459 --> 00:31:58.470
money on the ground.
00:31:59.220 --> 00:32:00.869
Someone else lost that, right?
00:32:00.869 --> 00:32:02.590
So, their unluck is
00:32:02.590 --> 00:32:03.940
actually good luck for you.
00:32:05.039 --> 00:32:06.860
If you were to leave that, someone
00:32:06.860 --> 00:32:08.660
else is going to find it and keep it.
00:32:08.919 --> 00:32:10.620
So, you have to think, if I
00:32:10.639 --> 00:32:12.670
leave this money here, it’s the
00:32:12.670 --> 00:32:14.840
same as if I’m just giving it to
00:32:14.840 --> 00:32:16.280
the next stranger who walks up.
00:32:16.979 --> 00:32:19.059
Do I want to give money to a stranger?
00:32:19.199 --> 00:32:19.609
No.
00:32:19.629 --> 00:32:20.599
I’d rather keep it.
00:32:20.619 --> 00:32:21.559
You've gotta jump on the
00:32:21.559 --> 00:32:22.919
opportunities when they come up.
00:32:23.699 --> 00:32:24.839
JACK: Do you believe in karma?
00:32:25.759 --> 00:32:26.159
ZACHARIAH: No.
00:32:26.179 --> 00:32:26.929
What’s that?
00:32:27.929 --> 00:32:29.259
JACK: It’s the idea that
00:32:30.069 --> 00:32:31.649
the universe keeps score.
00:32:31.720 --> 00:32:32.909
Like, if you do something good to
00:32:32.910 --> 00:32:34.729
someone, you'll be rewarded with
00:32:34.729 --> 00:32:36.279
something good somewhere else.
00:32:37.309 --> 00:32:37.780
ZACHARIAH: That sounds
00:32:37.780 --> 00:32:38.960
like some made-up bullshit.
00:32:39.350 --> 00:32:43.480
Look, nobody cares what you do, much
00:32:43.480 --> 00:32:45.450
less the universe caring about the
00:32:45.450 --> 00:32:47.340
tiny speck of dust that you are in it.
00:32:47.980 --> 00:32:50.200
If you wrong someone and you feel bad
00:32:50.200 --> 00:32:52.150
about it, it’s on you to make it right.
00:32:52.190 --> 00:32:53.570
Don't leave it to the universe
00:32:53.589 --> 00:32:54.730
to sort out your problems.
00:32:55.760 --> 00:32:56.610
JACK: Alright, fine.
00:32:56.619 --> 00:32:59.599
Then, did you wrong anyone
00:32:59.719 --> 00:33:00.660
when you were a kid?
00:33:01.689 --> 00:33:03.110
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I guess
00:33:03.110 --> 00:33:04.960
I wronged taxi drivers.
00:33:04.969 --> 00:33:06.619
[ JACK: Music] How so?
00:33:07.609 --> 00:33:08.409
ZACHARIAH: Most of my clothes
00:33:08.429 --> 00:33:10.050
were shit, and I didn't have an
00:33:10.050 --> 00:33:11.230
easy way to wash them, so I had
00:33:11.230 --> 00:33:13.149
to re-wear dirty stuff a lot.
00:33:13.739 --> 00:33:15.040
But I saved up some money
00:33:15.639 --> 00:33:16.779
and I got a nice outfit.
00:33:16.809 --> 00:33:17.890
It was really just a clean
00:33:17.890 --> 00:33:18.819
shirt and some shoes.
00:33:19.649 --> 00:33:20.880
I saved up a long time to get it.
00:33:22.340 --> 00:33:24.120
I had a broken cell phone, too.
00:33:24.120 --> 00:33:25.049
I found it on the street.
00:33:25.320 --> 00:33:26.960
It looked nice but it didn't work at all.
00:33:27.259 --> 00:33:28.360
Sometimes I’d put this outfit
00:33:28.369 --> 00:33:30.370
on and try to convince a taxi
00:33:30.370 --> 00:33:31.599
driver to take me somewhere.
00:33:32.039 --> 00:33:33.380
I’d hold up the phone and I’d say,
00:33:33.689 --> 00:33:35.020
my mom is worried about me and
00:33:35.020 --> 00:33:37.219
asked me to get a taxi home, and
00:33:37.230 --> 00:33:38.730
she’ll pay me as soon as I arrive.
00:33:39.419 --> 00:33:40.569
The taxi driver would see my
00:33:40.570 --> 00:33:41.959
nice clothes and cell phone and
00:33:41.969 --> 00:33:44.109
think I had some money, and would
00:33:44.119 --> 00:33:46.029
drive me wherever I needed to go.
00:33:46.589 --> 00:33:48.419
But just before arriving where we
00:33:48.419 --> 00:33:50.379
were supposed to be going, I’d jump
00:33:50.379 --> 00:33:51.530
out at a red light or something
00:33:51.530 --> 00:33:52.690
and run off without paying.
00:33:53.720 --> 00:33:54.869
JACK: What about school?
00:33:55.029 --> 00:33:56.839
Did you wrong anyone at school?
00:33:58.489 --> 00:33:59.129
ZACHARIAH: I broke the
00:33:59.169 --> 00:34:00.570
teacher’s ankle once.
00:34:01.939 --> 00:34:02.289
JACK: What?
00:34:02.939 --> 00:34:04.299
You broke the teacher’s ankle?
00:34:04.449 --> 00:34:06.319
How — was this on purpose?
00:34:06.860 --> 00:34:07.829
ZACHARIAH: I was being a jerk
00:34:07.839 --> 00:34:09.260
in the back of class, not paying
00:34:09.260 --> 00:34:11.289
attention or doing any work.
00:34:12.159 --> 00:34:13.619
There were like forty kids
00:34:13.619 --> 00:34:14.299
in this class, though.
00:34:14.529 --> 00:34:15.369
It was impossible for the
00:34:15.369 --> 00:34:16.429
teacher to care for us all.
00:34:16.929 --> 00:34:18.800
But for some reason this teacher really
00:34:18.800 --> 00:34:21.659
wanted me to pay attention, and he started
00:34:21.659 --> 00:34:23.499
yelling at me to sit up and watch him.
00:34:23.779 --> 00:34:25.180
I just had my head down on the desk
00:34:25.180 --> 00:34:27.069
and not paying attention at all.
00:34:27.750 --> 00:34:29.329
He stomped over to me and
00:34:29.689 --> 00:34:31.249
shouted at me to focus.
00:34:31.929 --> 00:34:32.729
I ignored him.
00:34:33.189 --> 00:34:34.499
Then he kicked my desk
00:34:34.809 --> 00:34:35.939
to get me to sit up.
00:34:36.099 --> 00:34:36.940
He kicked it so hard he
00:34:36.940 --> 00:34:38.009
knocked the book off my desk.
00:34:38.829 --> 00:34:40.189
But I kept my head down.
00:34:40.709 --> 00:34:43.249
He grabbed my shoulder and forced me up.
00:34:43.449 --> 00:34:45.899
I don't like people touching me.
00:34:46.649 --> 00:34:47.750
I sat up, I pushed his hand
00:34:47.750 --> 00:34:48.719
away, and I stared at him.
00:34:49.429 --> 00:34:51.329
He shouted at me some fucking
00:34:51.339 --> 00:34:53.080
bullshit question, like are you
00:34:53.080 --> 00:34:54.879
trying to get in trouble, son?
00:34:55.959 --> 00:34:58.149
I just stared at him and stayed quiet.
00:34:58.559 --> 00:34:59.399
He asked me some other
00:34:59.399 --> 00:35:00.809
shit, and I just sat there.
00:35:01.059 --> 00:35:02.599
I just wanted him to leave me alone.
00:35:02.610 --> 00:35:04.549
Go teach the kids who want to learn.
00:35:04.739 --> 00:35:06.019
I’m not gonna listen to your
00:35:06.020 --> 00:35:08.229
fucking lesson anyway, so focus
00:35:08.229 --> 00:35:09.540
on the kids who like being here.
00:35:10.220 --> 00:35:12.419
But he grabbed my fucking ear and he
00:35:12.419 --> 00:35:14.159
started dragging me to the front of class.
00:35:14.160 --> 00:35:15.239
He grabbed it so hard I thought he
00:35:15.239 --> 00:35:16.670
was gonna rip my fucking ear off.
00:35:17.190 --> 00:35:18.279
I felt that wave of
00:35:18.279 --> 00:35:19.259
energy come through me.
00:35:19.879 --> 00:35:22.439
I tensed up and exploded on him.
00:35:23.000 --> 00:35:25.269
I punched him in the ribs, and when he let
00:35:25.269 --> 00:35:28.209
go of my ear, I stomped on his ankle, and
00:35:28.209 --> 00:35:30.089
I saw it bend in a way it shouldn't have.
00:35:30.849 --> 00:35:31.770
I think I broke it.
00:35:32.509 --> 00:35:33.969
I got expelled for that one, too.
00:35:35.269 --> 00:35:35.799
JACK: Dang.
00:35:35.800 --> 00:35:38.350
Yeah, you really didn't do good in school.
00:35:39.240 --> 00:35:40.280
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I never did the
00:35:40.280 --> 00:35:42.729
assignments and I got in a lot of fights.
00:35:42.729 --> 00:35:44.029
I just didn't care.
00:35:44.470 --> 00:35:45.360
But that teacher was a
00:35:45.360 --> 00:35:46.730
miserable prick anyway.
00:35:47.620 --> 00:35:49.049
JACK: Because he yelled at you and stuff?
00:35:50.049 --> 00:35:50.640
ZACHARIAH: No, it wasn't
00:35:50.640 --> 00:35:51.540
just me that he hit.
00:35:51.589 --> 00:35:53.509
He would slap other kids with a ruler,
00:35:54.070 --> 00:35:56.449
and when they'd complain, he said
00:35:56.449 --> 00:35:58.319
like, his father would hit him with
00:35:58.330 --> 00:36:00.340
broomsticks, and a slap with the ruler
00:36:00.340 --> 00:36:01.749
is nothing compared to what he got.
00:36:02.410 --> 00:36:04.529
But some other kids told me that
00:36:04.529 --> 00:36:05.959
his wife was really mean to him.
00:36:06.639 --> 00:36:08.229
I guess someone saw them both going down
00:36:08.230 --> 00:36:10.919
the road once to their house, and for some
00:36:10.919 --> 00:36:13.739
reason he was walking down the road while
00:36:13.739 --> 00:36:16.969
she was driving slowly behind him, and he
00:36:16.969 --> 00:36:18.950
looked exhausted like he had been walking
00:36:18.950 --> 00:36:21.019
for ages, and he was really thirsty.
00:36:21.950 --> 00:36:23.769
He asked her, can I please get in the car?
00:36:23.770 --> 00:36:24.549
But she yelled at him,
00:36:24.549 --> 00:36:25.979
no, keep walking, pig.
00:36:25.989 --> 00:36:28.399
I guess it was some form of
00:36:28.399 --> 00:36:29.859
punishment that she was doing to him.
00:36:30.520 --> 00:36:31.590
JACK: Oh, gosh.
00:36:32.379 --> 00:36:33.759
I guess it makes sense now.
00:36:34.389 --> 00:36:37.909
He felt powerless with his father and his
00:36:37.910 --> 00:36:41.909
wife, and he goes on power trips with the
00:36:41.909 --> 00:36:44.400
students because he’s got authority there.
00:36:45.369 --> 00:36:45.829
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:36:46.250 --> 00:36:47.379
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
00:36:48.250 --> 00:36:49.539
JACK: Sheesh, that’s messed up.
00:36:50.349 --> 00:36:50.839
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:36:52.189 --> 00:36:53.219
JACK: The thing about your story
00:36:53.219 --> 00:36:55.239
is I can relate to so much of it.
00:36:56.629 --> 00:36:58.829
I also didn't do well
00:36:58.839 --> 00:36:59.869
in elementary school.
00:36:59.900 --> 00:37:01.909
I would screw around and not do
00:37:01.909 --> 00:37:04.249
assignments either, especially
00:37:04.250 --> 00:37:05.170
when it came to reading.
00:37:05.170 --> 00:37:06.609
I hated reading.
00:37:08.229 --> 00:37:09.009
I probably just hated
00:37:09.009 --> 00:37:10.119
the subject of the books.
00:37:10.129 --> 00:37:13.010
They were stupid stories that they would
00:37:13.010 --> 00:37:15.409
make us read that was just to practice
00:37:15.409 --> 00:37:17.829
reading, and it was nothing actually
00:37:17.829 --> 00:37:19.729
interesting at all in these stories.
00:37:20.119 --> 00:37:21.040
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I know what you mean.
00:37:21.040 --> 00:37:22.190
There was this book that was
00:37:22.190 --> 00:37:24.860
like, the cat drinks milk.
00:37:25.049 --> 00:37:26.269
It was just so pointless.
00:37:26.339 --> 00:37:26.929
JACK: Yeah, okay.
00:37:27.049 --> 00:37:29.189
So, when it was my turn to read
00:37:29.189 --> 00:37:31.139
out loud, I would just make up my
00:37:31.139 --> 00:37:33.099
own words and say that instead.
00:37:33.649 --> 00:37:34.789
Then the teacher would get mad at
00:37:34.790 --> 00:37:36.430
me and be like, no, that’s not it.
00:37:36.519 --> 00:37:37.179
Say it right.
00:37:37.489 --> 00:37:38.860
I would just make up some words
00:37:38.860 --> 00:37:41.549
again, and then they'd just skip me.
00:37:41.849 --> 00:37:43.360
But then later it would be my turn again
00:37:43.360 --> 00:37:45.219
and I would just make up words again.
00:37:45.619 --> 00:37:46.969
So, eventually they just stopped
00:37:46.970 --> 00:37:48.879
asking me to read entirely in class.
00:37:49.479 --> 00:37:50.159
ZACHARIAH: That’s funny.
00:37:50.349 --> 00:37:51.389
JACK: But I never stomped
00:37:51.389 --> 00:37:52.499
on the teacher’s ankle.
00:37:52.949 --> 00:37:53.380
ZACHARIAH: Well, did your
00:37:53.380 --> 00:37:54.579
teachers ever hit you?
00:37:55.559 --> 00:37:57.149
JACK: Yes, actually.
00:37:58.770 --> 00:38:03.239
In fourth grade I screwed up once too many
00:38:03.239 --> 00:38:04.929
and I was sent to the principal’s office.
00:38:06.020 --> 00:38:07.969
I had been sent there a few times,
00:38:07.970 --> 00:38:10.279
and they told me, if you come back one
00:38:10.279 --> 00:38:12.729
more time, you're gonna get the paddle.
00:38:12.779 --> 00:38:13.850
Do you know what the paddle is?
00:38:14.110 --> 00:38:14.550
ZACHARIAH: No.
00:38:15.860 --> 00:38:17.759
JACK: It’s a big, flat, wooden stick
00:38:17.839 --> 00:38:19.430
that the principal had hanging up on the
00:38:19.430 --> 00:38:22.229
wall, and it was to hit kids who are bad.
00:38:22.619 --> 00:38:25.230
I guess the thought is if you hit
00:38:25.239 --> 00:38:27.150
bad kids, it’ll make them good.
00:38:28.519 --> 00:38:30.130
The last time I was at his office,
00:38:30.130 --> 00:38:31.569
he pointed to it on the wall and
00:38:31.569 --> 00:38:33.259
said, the next time you come here,
00:38:33.500 --> 00:38:34.910
I’m gonna have to use this on you.
00:38:35.570 --> 00:38:37.170
So, when I was sent to his office
00:38:37.170 --> 00:38:39.940
this time, I left the class and I was
00:38:39.940 --> 00:38:43.310
walking there, but I got too scared
00:38:44.270 --> 00:38:46.429
and just went around the corner and
00:38:46.429 --> 00:38:48.900
just hid there for like, ten minutes.
00:38:48.950 --> 00:38:49.620
I think I went in the
00:38:49.620 --> 00:38:50.740
bathroom for a while.
00:38:51.520 --> 00:38:54.769
Then I came back to class acting
00:38:54.770 --> 00:38:56.409
like I had gone to the principal’s
00:38:56.410 --> 00:38:57.469
office and now I’m back.
00:38:59.240 --> 00:39:01.609
It took a few days, and — but then
00:39:01.609 --> 00:39:03.510
the teacher found out that I never
00:39:03.510 --> 00:39:04.939
went to the principal’s office,
00:39:05.170 --> 00:39:07.049
and I got in way more trouble.
00:39:08.349 --> 00:39:11.029
She got the gym coach to escort me to
00:39:11.029 --> 00:39:14.569
the principal’s office, and the gym coach
00:39:14.570 --> 00:39:17.600
held me down while the principal gave me
00:39:17.600 --> 00:39:20.339
a hard whack on my butt with the paddle.
00:39:21.160 --> 00:39:22.060
ZACHARIAH: Fuck, man, that’s
00:39:22.060 --> 00:39:23.370
not even legal in Russia.
00:39:23.599 --> 00:39:24.599
The teachers aren't allowed
00:39:24.599 --> 00:39:25.470
to hit the students.
00:39:25.719 --> 00:39:26.679
JACK: Well, it’s not legal
00:39:26.680 --> 00:39:27.929
here anymore, either.
00:39:28.119 --> 00:39:28.889
Principals would get
00:39:28.889 --> 00:39:30.240
fired for doing that now.
00:39:30.669 --> 00:39:31.980
But it used to be allowed
00:39:31.980 --> 00:39:33.219
in schools to hit the kids.
00:39:33.579 --> 00:39:34.719
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, that’s fucked up.
00:39:34.849 --> 00:39:35.789
I don't know what I would have
00:39:35.789 --> 00:39:37.069
done if two grown men tried to
00:39:37.079 --> 00:39:39.640
hold me down and hit me like that.
00:39:40.119 --> 00:39:40.619
Fuck.
00:39:41.669 --> 00:39:42.729
How did that affect you?
00:39:43.589 --> 00:39:44.509
JACK: How did it affect me?
00:39:44.510 --> 00:39:45.979
Dude, I’m the one who’s supposed
00:39:45.979 --> 00:39:47.830
to be asking questions here.
00:39:49.260 --> 00:39:49.290
ZACHARIAH: Okay.
00:39:49.530 --> 00:39:51.240
JACK: Honestly, I think it was so
00:39:51.259 --> 00:39:53.429
traumatizing for me that I blocked
00:39:53.430 --> 00:39:55.180
it out of my memory entirely for
00:39:55.180 --> 00:39:57.469
decades, and only recently, like last
00:39:57.470 --> 00:39:59.829
year, the memory came back to me.
00:40:00.709 --> 00:40:02.179
I just totally forgot
00:40:02.199 --> 00:40:02.919
that it even happened.
00:40:03.259 --> 00:40:05.379
Anyway, I’m trying to
00:40:05.379 --> 00:40:06.269
remember where we were.
00:40:06.400 --> 00:40:09.390
Oh yeah, I was — what was it that made
00:40:09.390 --> 00:40:10.820
you not want to do the schoolwork?
00:40:10.820 --> 00:40:12.100
I think for me I was just
00:40:12.129 --> 00:40:14.210
bored, but what was it for you?
00:40:14.460 --> 00:40:15.499
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I was bored,
00:40:15.509 --> 00:40:17.679
too, but I also didn't feel
00:40:17.680 --> 00:40:19.689
like I had control of my life.
00:40:20.339 --> 00:40:20.810
JACK: What do you mean?
00:40:21.449 --> 00:40:22.129
ZACHARIAH: Well, military
00:40:22.129 --> 00:40:23.269
is mandatory in Russia.
00:40:23.269 --> 00:40:24.699
So, no matter what I’d do,
00:40:24.769 --> 00:40:25.999
I’d still be sent there.
00:40:26.180 --> 00:40:26.969
I didn't want to go to the
00:40:26.970 --> 00:40:28.949
military, but I had no choice.
00:40:29.360 --> 00:40:30.619
I just didn't like that someone else
00:40:30.619 --> 00:40:32.159
got to choose my life for me like that.
00:40:32.559 --> 00:40:33.709
So, acting up in class at least
00:40:33.709 --> 00:40:35.049
felt like I had some kind of
00:40:35.049 --> 00:40:36.529
choice of the things I was doing.
00:40:37.219 --> 00:40:37.799
But there weren't any
00:40:37.799 --> 00:40:38.860
good role models, either.
00:40:38.860 --> 00:40:40.309
I would see adults doing
00:40:40.309 --> 00:40:41.299
stupid shit, you know?
00:40:41.489 --> 00:40:42.869
The school director got in
00:40:42.869 --> 00:40:44.729
trouble for accepting bribes.
00:40:45.139 --> 00:40:46.519
He was taking money from parents and
00:40:46.520 --> 00:40:47.700
then changing the grades for those
00:40:47.700 --> 00:40:48.849
students so that they'd get good
00:40:48.849 --> 00:40:50.339
grades even if they didn't do any work.
00:40:50.869 --> 00:40:51.939
I heard stories of famous
00:40:51.940 --> 00:40:53.059
athletes cheating, too.
00:40:53.619 --> 00:40:54.589
I didn't really understand
00:40:54.589 --> 00:40:55.479
the point of school.
00:40:55.599 --> 00:40:56.979
Like, it felt like they
00:40:56.979 --> 00:40:58.609
wanted us all to be the same.
00:40:58.690 --> 00:40:59.760
They didn't want you to be you.
00:40:59.760 --> 00:41:01.359
They wanted you to learn how to
00:41:01.360 --> 00:41:02.990
take orders and follow directions.
00:41:03.449 --> 00:41:05.449
Like, if I failed a test, I would
00:41:05.459 --> 00:41:06.689
hardly get in trouble at all.
00:41:07.199 --> 00:41:09.520
But if I didn't listen to directions,
00:41:09.919 --> 00:41:11.649
I would get yelled at real bad.
00:41:12.099 --> 00:41:13.239
It seemed like the most important
00:41:13.239 --> 00:41:14.289
thing for the teachers to make
00:41:14.339 --> 00:41:15.730
everyone follow directions.
00:41:16.149 --> 00:41:17.500
But even our governor got in trouble.
00:41:17.500 --> 00:41:19.489
He was taking state money and then giving
00:41:19.489 --> 00:41:20.909
it to his friends and then claiming
00:41:20.910 --> 00:41:22.540
it was for a construction project, but
00:41:22.540 --> 00:41:24.109
then that project would never get done.
00:41:24.750 --> 00:41:26.069
He was fired for being a
00:41:26.069 --> 00:41:27.019
piece-of-shit governor.
00:41:27.529 --> 00:41:28.630
The news was always talking
00:41:28.630 --> 00:41:29.919
about how there’s so much crime
00:41:29.919 --> 00:41:32.429
everywhere; robberies, drugs,
00:41:32.559 --> 00:41:35.470
fraud, murder, corruption.
00:41:36.510 --> 00:41:37.890
So, because I didn't see anything
00:41:37.890 --> 00:41:41.090
good in my future, I didn't see
00:41:41.090 --> 00:41:42.859
the point in doing good in school.
00:41:43.840 --> 00:41:45.119
JACK: Okay, let’s flip it around.
00:41:45.719 --> 00:41:47.059
You made me feel bad earlier when
00:41:47.059 --> 00:41:48.480
I asked you what other crimes you
00:41:48.480 --> 00:41:49.299
did, and you were like, what, do
00:41:49.300 --> 00:41:50.479
you think my life is all crime?
00:41:50.730 --> 00:41:53.049
So, I’ve heard you — how you've wronged
00:41:53.080 --> 00:41:55.359
people, but now tell me a story about how
00:41:55.359 --> 00:41:57.600
you did something right to someone, right?
00:41:57.619 --> 00:41:59.439
Like, did you do anything to someone
00:41:59.439 --> 00:42:01.309
just because you wanted to be kind?
00:42:04.719 --> 00:42:06.390
ZACHARIAH: I had an elderly neighbor.
00:42:06.680 --> 00:42:10.199
[Music] I remember how slow she
00:42:10.200 --> 00:42:11.220
would go up and down the stairs.
00:42:11.220 --> 00:42:12.679
I hated being behind her on
00:42:12.680 --> 00:42:14.293
the stairs because she was
00:42:14.293 --> 00:42:15.870
just — she would take forever.
00:42:16.219 --> 00:42:18.200
I would just sit down and wait.
00:42:18.250 --> 00:42:19.800
Like, she took up the whole stairwell
00:42:19.800 --> 00:42:21.899
somehow and would just move so slow.
00:42:22.180 --> 00:42:23.749
So, I would just sit there and
00:42:23.749 --> 00:42:25.439
put my chin in my hands and
00:42:25.439 --> 00:42:27.049
just wait for her to finish.
00:42:27.889 --> 00:42:31.649
Anyway, one day she got sick, and I
00:42:31.649 --> 00:42:33.100
saw her trying to leave the apartment.
00:42:33.759 --> 00:42:35.150
She was coughing and moaning.
00:42:35.419 --> 00:42:36.960
I asked her, what are you doing?
00:42:37.290 --> 00:42:38.190
She’s like, I’m going to the
00:42:38.190 --> 00:42:39.639
pharmacy to get some medicine.
00:42:40.339 --> 00:42:41.709
I told her, it’s snowing
00:42:41.709 --> 00:42:43.489
out and you look sick.
00:42:43.720 --> 00:42:45.399
Why don't you let me get that for you?
00:42:46.699 --> 00:42:49.560
She said no, but then she tried to
00:42:49.739 --> 00:42:52.080
lock her door and her bag spilled
00:42:52.080 --> 00:42:53.579
and all her shit went everywhere.
00:42:54.400 --> 00:42:55.490
I watched her struggle to pick it
00:42:55.490 --> 00:42:57.439
up, and so, I started helping her.
00:42:57.889 --> 00:42:59.349
I told her again, let me
00:42:59.349 --> 00:43:00.649
go to the pharmacy for you.
00:43:00.680 --> 00:43:01.950
So, she said, okay, fine.
00:43:03.049 --> 00:43:04.130
She gave me the money and
00:43:04.130 --> 00:43:05.009
a list of things to get.
00:43:06.599 --> 00:43:07.500
JACK: How old were you then?
00:43:08.409 --> 00:43:09.929
ZACHARIAH: I was probably ten then.
00:43:11.259 --> 00:43:12.659
JACK: This does sound like a nice story.
00:43:12.659 --> 00:43:13.119
Go on.
00:43:15.139 --> 00:43:16.029
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, well, I go
00:43:16.029 --> 00:43:18.559
outside and it’s fucking freezing.
00:43:18.570 --> 00:43:20.069
Like, it’s the dead of winter.
00:43:20.129 --> 00:43:21.889
I had a thick jacket and gloves on,
00:43:21.899 --> 00:43:24.560
but the wind made my face freeze, and
00:43:24.579 --> 00:43:26.179
walking through the snow was really hard.
00:43:26.180 --> 00:43:27.379
It made my legs burn.
00:43:27.849 --> 00:43:28.849
I had to stop and catch
00:43:28.849 --> 00:43:29.879
my breath sometimes.
00:43:31.019 --> 00:43:32.159
I saw a sidewalk on the other side
00:43:32.159 --> 00:43:33.819
of the street, and it was clear.
00:43:34.169 --> 00:43:37.269
So, I ran over there, but when I
00:43:37.279 --> 00:43:39.459
jumped onto the sidewalk, I slipped
00:43:39.459 --> 00:43:42.229
and fell and I hurt my elbow because
00:43:42.229 --> 00:43:43.759
the sidewalk was covered in ice.
00:43:44.899 --> 00:43:46.419
JACK: Ouch, falling on ice hurts.
00:43:47.319 --> 00:43:47.859
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:43:48.029 --> 00:43:49.329
I was worried that I lost some of the
00:43:49.330 --> 00:43:51.909
money she gave me when I fell, so I took
00:43:51.910 --> 00:43:53.969
my gloves off and counted it to make sure.
00:43:54.089 --> 00:43:55.220
My hands were shivering.
00:43:55.229 --> 00:43:56.619
It was just so fucking cold.
00:43:56.629 --> 00:43:58.070
I had to restart the count a few
00:43:58.070 --> 00:44:00.239
times because I couldn't concentrate.
00:44:00.739 --> 00:44:01.509
But it was all there.
00:44:02.739 --> 00:44:04.519
The sidewalk was so fucking slippery.
00:44:04.519 --> 00:44:06.459
I could not walk on it.
00:44:06.750 --> 00:44:11.009
So, I had to just crawl down the street on
00:44:11.039 --> 00:44:14.329
my hands and knees to get past this ice.
00:44:17.179 --> 00:44:18.419
It took me forever to get to the pharmacy,
00:44:18.419 --> 00:44:21.579
but when I finally did, I pulled out
00:44:21.580 --> 00:44:24.849
the list, and it was all smudged from
00:44:24.860 --> 00:44:27.879
the snow, and I could not read it.
00:44:30.470 --> 00:44:32.650
So, I asked the clerk, what does this say?
00:44:32.960 --> 00:44:34.340
He said, I don't know.
00:44:35.620 --> 00:44:36.200
I didn't want to buy the
00:44:36.200 --> 00:44:37.470
wrong fucking thing, you know?
00:44:37.930 --> 00:44:39.440
So, I decided just to walk all the
00:44:39.440 --> 00:44:41.270
way back and have her rewrite it.
00:44:41.910 --> 00:44:42.950
So, I walked back home.
00:44:43.910 --> 00:44:46.549
By the time I got to the apartment,
00:44:46.559 --> 00:44:48.829
my fingers were frozen and I
00:44:48.830 --> 00:44:50.700
wanted to warm them up at my place.
00:44:51.430 --> 00:44:52.630
So, I was going up to my place,
00:44:52.630 --> 00:44:55.509
but when I got there, the fucking
00:44:55.519 --> 00:44:58.119
neighbor was there yelling at my mom.
00:44:58.209 --> 00:44:59.889
Your son stole my money;
00:45:00.080 --> 00:45:01.120
he’s a little thief.
00:45:02.430 --> 00:45:06.079
I guess I took a long time, and she
00:45:06.079 --> 00:45:07.769
was mad that I had taken so long, and
00:45:07.770 --> 00:45:09.424
she thought I was never coming back.
00:45:09.424 --> 00:45:10.609
Then my mom asked me,
00:45:10.619 --> 00:45:11.609
do you have her money?
00:45:11.609 --> 00:45:13.859
I was like, yeah, I’ve got it right here.
00:45:13.889 --> 00:45:15.259
I pulled it out and I showed her.
00:45:15.459 --> 00:45:17.339
The lady just snatched it out of my
00:45:17.340 --> 00:45:19.090
hand and went back into her apartment.
00:45:21.029 --> 00:45:23.049
JACK: Oh man, that’s so frustrating.
00:45:24.129 --> 00:45:24.739
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I showed
00:45:24.739 --> 00:45:26.089
my mom the smudged list and
00:45:26.090 --> 00:45:27.380
said, I didn't steal anything.
00:45:27.869 --> 00:45:29.559
But the lady was already gone
00:45:29.559 --> 00:45:30.759
and the whole thing was over.
00:45:31.689 --> 00:45:34.509
My mom told me, next time, don't bother.
00:45:34.559 --> 00:45:35.769
People will always find a way to
00:45:35.769 --> 00:45:37.110
twist your kindness against you.
00:45:38.269 --> 00:45:39.339
JACK: Okay, so tell me
00:45:39.339 --> 00:45:40.039
more about your mom.
00:45:40.040 --> 00:45:41.109
What did she do for work?
00:45:42.839 --> 00:45:44.440
ZACHARIAH: She worked in an office.
00:45:44.479 --> 00:45:46.299
I don't remember the name of the job,
00:45:46.309 --> 00:45:49.119
but she did things like verifying
00:45:49.119 --> 00:45:51.359
signatures, reviewing contracts,
00:45:51.359 --> 00:45:52.879
confirming legal transactions.
00:45:53.319 --> 00:45:55.220
One of the ladies that worked there got
00:45:55.220 --> 00:45:57.130
fired, so my mom had to work two shifts.
00:45:58.279 --> 00:46:00.879
She worked twelve hours straight, and
00:46:00.889 --> 00:46:02.620
sometimes I wouldn't see her for days.
00:46:04.220 --> 00:46:06.129
JACK: And there was no boyfriend or
00:46:06.129 --> 00:46:07.819
any male role model in your life?
00:46:08.279 --> 00:46:09.459
ZACHARIAH: My mom had boyfriends.
00:46:10.059 --> 00:46:11.369
Sometimes they'd stay the night,
00:46:12.000 --> 00:46:12.970
but they never wanted to talk
00:46:12.970 --> 00:46:14.230
with me or do anything with me.
00:46:14.790 --> 00:46:15.860
I didn't get along with them.
00:46:15.860 --> 00:46:17.539
JACK: I mean, I can see that.
00:46:17.540 --> 00:46:19.099
Not all boyfriends want to be dads.
00:46:19.649 --> 00:46:19.979
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, but they
00:46:19.979 --> 00:46:21.199
didn't need to be scary.
00:46:21.959 --> 00:46:23.980
JACK: Did your mom have a scary boyfriend?
00:46:24.439 --> 00:46:25.119
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:46:26.079 --> 00:46:27.659
JACK: Is there a story there?
00:46:28.779 --> 00:46:30.049
ZACHARIAH: Yes.
00:46:30.769 --> 00:46:33.439
JACK: Should we get into that story?
00:46:35.559 --> 00:46:36.869
ZACHARIAH: I’ve never told
00:46:36.869 --> 00:46:37.989
anyone this one before.
00:46:39.050 --> 00:46:40.479
Fuck, when I e-mailed you I was not
00:46:40.489 --> 00:46:42.159
thinking we were gonna talk about this.
00:46:43.509 --> 00:46:45.459
But fuck it, let’s do it.
00:46:47.449 --> 00:46:49.769
JACK: Okay, let’s start at the beginning.
00:46:50.399 --> 00:46:51.959
Do you know where they met?
00:46:52.789 --> 00:46:52.979
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:46:52.979 --> 00:46:54.690
He did business with my mom.
00:46:54.690 --> 00:46:55.890
I guess she handled some papers
00:46:55.890 --> 00:46:56.989
for him, and that’s how they met.
00:46:59.149 --> 00:46:59.759
JACK: Do you remember
00:46:59.800 --> 00:47:01.159
when you first met him?
00:47:02.229 --> 00:47:03.049
ZACHARIAH: No.
00:47:03.369 --> 00:47:04.810
It was probably in our apartment,
00:47:04.819 --> 00:47:05.639
'cause that was the only time I
00:47:05.639 --> 00:47:07.349
ever saw him, was when he came over.
00:47:08.610 --> 00:47:09.360
JACK: What was he like?
00:47:11.069 --> 00:47:12.639
ZACHARIAH: He was tall and fat.
00:47:13.250 --> 00:47:14.550
JACK: Okay, now when you say fat, do you
00:47:14.550 --> 00:47:16.789
mean like Russian fat or American fat?
00:47:17.750 --> 00:47:18.339
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, you're right;
00:47:18.339 --> 00:47:19.620
Americans are really fat.
00:47:19.729 --> 00:47:21.200
He was just a big guy, and
00:47:21.229 --> 00:47:22.309
he was older than my mom.
00:47:22.940 --> 00:47:23.799
I could hear them talk through
00:47:23.800 --> 00:47:26.359
the door, and he had a wedding
00:47:26.360 --> 00:47:28.369
ring on and he had two kids.
00:47:28.720 --> 00:47:29.570
JACK: He was married?
00:47:30.360 --> 00:47:31.020
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:47:31.080 --> 00:47:32.700
He had to lie to his
00:47:32.700 --> 00:47:34.010
wife about where he was.
00:47:34.430 --> 00:47:35.570
He was a jealous person.
00:47:35.850 --> 00:47:36.899
I could hear him and my mom
00:47:36.910 --> 00:47:38.269
arguing sometimes, and he was
00:47:38.309 --> 00:47:39.720
always accusing her of cheating
00:47:39.720 --> 00:47:41.849
on him, yet he was the cheater.
00:47:44.539 --> 00:47:46.409
JACK: Hm, listening to our parents
00:47:46.420 --> 00:47:48.639
fight is always awkward, isn't it?
00:47:48.990 --> 00:47:49.689
ZACHARIAH: Yes, it was.
00:47:49.689 --> 00:47:51.369
It was none of my business, but they
00:47:51.369 --> 00:47:52.779
were so loud I couldn't ignore it.
00:47:53.969 --> 00:47:55.110
Sometimes I’d get worried
00:47:55.110 --> 00:47:56.159
about my mom, you know?
00:47:56.469 --> 00:47:58.439
Like, when his voice would change from
00:47:58.789 --> 00:48:00.920
just asking loud questions and being
00:48:00.920 --> 00:48:05.299
rude to anger, I could sense the change
00:48:05.299 --> 00:48:07.169
in his tone and I learned to hear the
00:48:07.169 --> 00:48:10.230
difference between angry and rude.
00:48:12.439 --> 00:48:14.669
If he was rude I didn't interfere,
00:48:15.329 --> 00:48:18.539
but angry — I thought, I’m
00:48:18.539 --> 00:48:20.629
the only guy that my mom has.
00:48:20.809 --> 00:48:22.299
I should protect her, you know?
00:48:23.180 --> 00:48:25.270
So, I grabbed a bat and
00:48:25.270 --> 00:48:26.590
went in to where they were.
00:48:27.900 --> 00:48:28.899
[Music] I told him, get
00:48:28.899 --> 00:48:29.899
out or I’ll hit him.
00:48:31.859 --> 00:48:33.939
JACK: Did you hit him?
00:48:35.089 --> 00:48:37.879
ZACHARIAH: No, no.
00:48:38.349 --> 00:48:39.729
He left when I came in,
00:48:40.010 --> 00:48:41.009
that time, at least.
00:48:42.220 --> 00:48:43.559
JACK: Well, that’s a scary thing
00:48:43.559 --> 00:48:45.279
for — well, how old were you then?
00:48:45.680 --> 00:48:46.279
ZACHARIAH: I was eleven
00:48:46.279 --> 00:48:47.769
then, but it wasn't scary.
00:48:47.769 --> 00:48:48.449
I wasn't scared.
00:48:49.339 --> 00:48:50.599
JACK: I mean, a confrontation
00:48:50.599 --> 00:48:51.949
with a dude way bigger than you
00:48:51.949 --> 00:48:53.159
and you're swinging a bat at him,
00:48:53.159 --> 00:48:55.479
yelling at him, that sounds scary.
00:48:55.979 --> 00:48:56.679
ZACHARIAH: I wasn't scared.
00:48:56.759 --> 00:48:58.850
I knew he wasn't gonna hit me.
00:48:59.220 --> 00:49:00.009
It would have been the end
00:49:00.009 --> 00:49:01.079
of him coming over, you know?
00:49:01.349 --> 00:49:02.880
My mom wouldn't allow somebody who
00:49:02.880 --> 00:49:04.409
hit me to come back over, you know?
00:49:05.110 --> 00:49:05.810
And who’s gonna hit an
00:49:05.810 --> 00:49:06.669
eleven-year-old boy?
00:49:08.299 --> 00:49:09.749
Anyway, that happened a few times.
00:49:10.079 --> 00:49:11.659
He would come over and he’d get
00:49:11.659 --> 00:49:12.779
into a fight with my mom, and I
00:49:12.779 --> 00:49:13.770
would chase him out with the bat.
00:49:14.479 --> 00:49:16.189
My mom would tell me not to do that,
00:49:16.279 --> 00:49:18.110
but I told her, I’m just protecting you.
00:49:19.000 --> 00:49:20.609
Anyway, one time he came over
00:49:20.610 --> 00:49:22.009
drunk and they were fighting.
00:49:22.349 --> 00:49:23.619
[Music] I grabbed the bat and started
00:49:23.619 --> 00:49:25.009
yelling at him to leave again.
00:49:25.439 --> 00:49:26.909
This time he wasn't leaving.
00:49:26.919 --> 00:49:28.450
He started yelling back at me.
00:49:28.869 --> 00:49:30.849
He looked at me and he snatched the bat
00:49:30.849 --> 00:49:32.169
out of my hands, and he raised it over
00:49:32.169 --> 00:49:33.309
his head like he was gonna swing it
00:49:33.360 --> 00:49:35.359
at me, but I knew he wasn't going to.
00:49:35.769 --> 00:49:36.819
I didn't even flinch at all.
00:49:36.830 --> 00:49:39.049
I just started pushing him and hitting him
00:49:39.050 --> 00:49:40.929
and yelling at him, go, get outta here.
00:49:41.360 --> 00:49:43.409
So, he fucking took the bat and left.
00:49:44.910 --> 00:49:46.349
JACK: Geez, that guy needs to get a hint.
00:49:47.160 --> 00:49:47.920
ZACHARIAH: He was yelling at my
00:49:47.920 --> 00:49:49.779
mom all the way out, and she was
00:49:49.779 --> 00:49:51.249
upset, but she had to go to work,
00:49:51.250 --> 00:49:52.749
so she just got dressed and left.
00:49:54.039 --> 00:49:55.209
She didn't come home that night.
00:49:56.699 --> 00:49:58.659
The next day her boyfriend came
00:49:58.660 --> 00:50:00.189
over when I was home alone.
00:50:00.229 --> 00:50:02.110
He had the key to our apartment.
00:50:02.379 --> 00:50:04.889
Well, he knew where the key was;
00:50:04.949 --> 00:50:06.400
it was above the door outside, so
00:50:06.400 --> 00:50:07.969
he just got the key and came in.
00:50:09.289 --> 00:50:11.719
I was the only one home, and I just
00:50:11.720 --> 00:50:13.369
went into my room and I closed the door.
00:50:14.000 --> 00:50:15.839
But he came in my room and
00:50:15.839 --> 00:50:17.149
started apologizing to me,
00:50:19.309 --> 00:50:21.549
saying how he was wrong to yell at my mom
00:50:21.550 --> 00:50:24.429
like that, and sorry about what happened.
00:50:25.229 --> 00:50:26.249
I didn't know what to say,
00:50:26.250 --> 00:50:27.370
so I just looked down at the
00:50:27.370 --> 00:50:29.110
floor and waited for him to go.
00:50:29.530 --> 00:50:32.010
I told him to go, but he kept
00:50:32.010 --> 00:50:33.470
saying he wanted to make it right.
00:50:35.220 --> 00:50:38.350
I sat on my bed, and he came and sat
00:50:38.350 --> 00:50:40.459
next to me, talking about how he’s
00:50:40.480 --> 00:50:41.840
going to take better care of my mom.
00:50:45.520 --> 00:50:47.680
[Music] Then he put his hand on
00:50:47.680 --> 00:50:51.289
my thigh, and this felt wrong.
00:50:53.510 --> 00:50:56.099
I didn't like the way he was touching me.
00:50:56.779 --> 00:50:58.520
I don't like when anyone is touching
00:50:58.529 --> 00:51:01.199
me, so I swiped his hand away, but
00:51:01.200 --> 00:51:02.859
he put it right back on my thigh.
00:51:04.119 --> 00:51:05.979
This time it was a little higher up.
00:51:06.160 --> 00:51:10.369
Like, his fingers were between my legs.
00:51:12.779 --> 00:51:15.289
I started to move away from him, but
00:51:15.299 --> 00:51:17.409
he turned and put his other hand on
00:51:17.410 --> 00:51:19.089
my shoulder to keep me from moving.
00:51:20.840 --> 00:51:23.829
I somehow remained calm through
00:51:23.829 --> 00:51:27.679
this because in some way I could not
00:51:27.680 --> 00:51:29.859
believe what I thought he was doing.
00:51:30.900 --> 00:51:33.309
I was just looking down at his
00:51:33.309 --> 00:51:36.249
hand on my thigh, staring at it.
00:51:36.699 --> 00:51:36.709
I
00:51:38.979 --> 00:51:40.870
could see his fingers slowly
00:51:40.879 --> 00:51:43.269
sliding up higher, and I was
00:51:43.269 --> 00:51:45.519
feeling very uncomfortable.
00:51:46.290 --> 00:51:48.699
He then leaned me back on the
00:51:48.729 --> 00:51:51.979
bed and was making me lay down.
00:51:53.619 --> 00:51:56.470
Then he got on top of me and
00:51:56.470 --> 00:51:58.159
put his knee on my fucking
00:51:58.159 --> 00:52:00.409
shoulder so I couldn't get up.
00:52:01.409 --> 00:52:03.440
Then he started untying his belt.
00:52:06.139 --> 00:52:09.589
I knew for sure then he was gonna
00:52:09.589 --> 00:52:11.859
rape me, an eleven-year-old boy.
00:52:12.889 --> 00:52:14.369
He had a look of determination
00:52:14.369 --> 00:52:15.240
in his eyes, too.
00:52:16.180 --> 00:52:17.479
He was unreachable.
00:52:18.639 --> 00:52:21.210
I felt my body tensing up.
00:52:22.180 --> 00:52:24.199
I felt my breathing get faster.
00:52:25.699 --> 00:52:27.389
I was having a hard time seeing.
00:52:28.769 --> 00:52:30.799
Things came in and out of focus.
00:52:31.860 --> 00:52:33.149
I didn't know what to do.
00:52:34.199 --> 00:52:35.359
He had my shoulder pinned
00:52:35.369 --> 00:52:36.889
down and he was on top of me.
00:52:38.009 --> 00:52:39.130
I kept looking around for
00:52:39.130 --> 00:52:40.230
anything I could grab.
00:52:41.330 --> 00:52:43.349
On the bedside table was a glass bottle.
00:52:44.610 --> 00:52:45.189
I grabbed it.
00:52:45.189 --> 00:52:46.549
It had water in it.
00:52:46.549 --> 00:52:46.589
I squeezed it tight.
00:52:46.589 --> 00:52:46.659
I tensed
00:52:49.910 --> 00:52:50.789
up my whole body.
00:52:52.279 --> 00:52:53.449
He was trying to get on top of me.
00:52:53.449 --> 00:52:54.420
He was looking down and
00:52:54.420 --> 00:52:55.519
he didn't see it coming.
00:52:55.970 --> 00:52:57.699
I swung it at him.
00:52:57.699 --> 00:52:59.479
The bottle hit him in his forehead
00:52:59.830 --> 00:53:00.979
and knocked him backwards.
00:53:03.259 --> 00:53:04.120
He sort of stumbled
00:53:04.120 --> 00:53:05.239
backwards away from me.
00:53:05.679 --> 00:53:06.809
He was standing there holding
00:53:06.809 --> 00:53:08.699
his head, stunned, looking down.
00:53:08.709 --> 00:53:10.720
He was kind of swaying back and forth.
00:53:11.300 --> 00:53:13.859
I quickly stood up on the bed, still
00:53:13.869 --> 00:53:15.199
holding the bottle in my hands.
00:53:15.720 --> 00:53:16.709
I was taller than him, and
00:53:16.709 --> 00:53:17.819
I was looking down at him.
00:53:18.459 --> 00:53:20.919
A full-body rage came over me.
00:53:20.919 --> 00:53:23.979
I somehow felt three times stronger.
00:53:24.659 --> 00:53:25.900
Standing there on the bed I
00:53:25.910 --> 00:53:27.840
felt three times bigger, too.
00:53:28.910 --> 00:53:30.050
I took a deep breath.
00:53:30.620 --> 00:53:31.900
I clenched my jaw.
00:53:32.450 --> 00:53:33.830
I swung the bottle as
00:53:33.840 --> 00:53:35.180
hard as I fucking could.
00:53:35.380 --> 00:53:36.649
I really tried to hurt him.
00:53:37.219 --> 00:53:38.600
The bottle smashed into
00:53:38.600 --> 00:53:39.890
his face and broke.
00:53:40.889 --> 00:53:42.829
It knocked him backwards and he fell
00:53:42.830 --> 00:53:45.989
straight back like a tree falling over.
00:53:46.489 --> 00:53:48.210
He was a real big guy, too.
00:53:48.740 --> 00:53:51.220
As he fell backwards, his head hit the
00:53:51.260 --> 00:53:53.459
edge of a table and bounced off it.
00:53:54.389 --> 00:53:56.489
He fell to the floor, and
00:53:56.489 --> 00:53:58.069
he wasn't moving at all.
00:53:59.559 --> 00:54:02.239
I was just standing on my bed staring
00:54:02.239 --> 00:54:04.829
at him with wild eyes, out of breath,
00:54:05.680 --> 00:54:07.209
holding the neck of the bottle.
00:54:08.290 --> 00:54:09.750
The rest of it was broken
00:54:09.750 --> 00:54:11.129
in his fucking face.
00:54:11.769 --> 00:54:13.720
I was staring at him, breathing heavy.
00:54:15.099 --> 00:54:17.249
I could see the glass was smashed into the
00:54:17.250 --> 00:54:20.820
side of his face, and he wasn't moving.
00:54:21.799 --> 00:54:23.799
He was just laying there totally still.
00:54:24.820 --> 00:54:26.450
It’s like the room went quiet.
00:54:28.279 --> 00:54:29.449
Then the blood started
00:54:29.449 --> 00:54:30.629
to come out of his head.
00:54:31.419 --> 00:54:33.550
A stream of dark red was
00:54:33.550 --> 00:54:34.799
growing underneath him.
00:54:36.510 --> 00:54:38.309
As I saw the blood, I realized
00:54:38.309 --> 00:54:40.559
what I had done, and I snapped
00:54:40.580 --> 00:54:41.800
out of the frenzy I was in.
00:54:41.800 --> 00:54:43.620
[Music] I said, oh fuck,
00:54:43.869 --> 00:54:44.740
I have to get outta here.
00:54:44.820 --> 00:54:45.469
I have to go.
00:54:45.470 --> 00:54:46.120
I have to go.
00:54:47.720 --> 00:54:48.899
He wasn't moving at all, even
00:54:48.900 --> 00:54:50.139
after pushing him around and stuff.
00:54:50.639 --> 00:54:51.599
All I could think of is I need
00:54:51.599 --> 00:54:53.029
to get the fuck outta here.
00:54:53.189 --> 00:54:54.229
So, I grabbed a bag and I just
00:54:54.229 --> 00:54:55.359
started packing shit in there.
00:54:55.769 --> 00:54:56.990
I didn't want to fucking freeze,
00:54:57.000 --> 00:54:58.149
so I put a sweater in there.
00:54:58.470 --> 00:54:59.579
I put my pocket knife in
00:54:59.579 --> 00:55:01.270
there and my dad’s wristwatch.
00:55:01.439 --> 00:55:02.569
I was walking back and forth in
00:55:02.570 --> 00:55:03.660
the house, and I had no fucking
00:55:03.660 --> 00:55:05.050
idea what to take with me.
00:55:05.419 --> 00:55:07.099
I grabbed a toothbrush for some reason,
00:55:07.500 --> 00:55:08.819
took all the money that I knew was
00:55:08.820 --> 00:55:10.239
in the apartment; I had a stash for
00:55:10.239 --> 00:55:11.699
myself, but then I also knew where mom
00:55:11.699 --> 00:55:13.270
kept some of her money, but then I saw
00:55:13.270 --> 00:55:15.159
him and I wondered if he had money.
00:55:15.369 --> 00:55:16.389
So, I reached under him and I
00:55:16.389 --> 00:55:17.989
grabbed his wallet out of his pants,
00:55:18.349 --> 00:55:19.669
and I took all his money, too.
00:55:19.679 --> 00:55:21.929
I was shaking the whole fucking time.
00:55:22.099 --> 00:55:22.979
I was in a panic.
00:55:23.250 --> 00:55:24.800
I was pacing around the apartment trying
00:55:24.800 --> 00:55:26.129
to think, what else, what else, what else?
00:55:26.669 --> 00:55:27.699
I grabbed some bread.
00:55:27.930 --> 00:55:29.269
I couldn't think what else to take.
00:55:29.449 --> 00:55:30.759
I kept just saying to myself, I have
00:55:30.759 --> 00:55:32.269
to go, I have to go, I have to go.
00:55:32.639 --> 00:55:33.859
So, I strapped my bag around my
00:55:33.860 --> 00:55:35.760
chest and I ran out the door.
00:55:35.970 --> 00:55:37.029
Our apartment was on the second
00:55:37.029 --> 00:55:38.619
floor, and I swear I didn't touch
00:55:38.619 --> 00:55:40.009
a single stair on the way down.
00:55:40.009 --> 00:55:41.349
I just flew down those stairs, and
00:55:41.349 --> 00:55:42.870
I ran all the way out to the street.
00:55:43.800 --> 00:55:45.090
I looked left for a bit
00:55:45.559 --> 00:55:46.429
and then I looked right.
00:55:47.139 --> 00:55:48.399
I didn't know where to fucking go.
00:55:48.729 --> 00:55:50.770
Nobody would suspect I would go right,
00:55:50.779 --> 00:55:52.150
since that’s where the homeless is,
00:55:52.150 --> 00:55:53.769
and it’s a shitty part of town, and
00:55:53.769 --> 00:55:55.209
to the left was the city center,
00:55:55.209 --> 00:55:56.649
and that was a little nicer, but
00:55:56.649 --> 00:55:58.219
I had no fucking clue where to go.
00:55:59.609 --> 00:56:00.990
[Music] But I chose left
00:56:01.379 --> 00:56:02.299
and just started running.
00:56:02.300 --> 00:56:02.320
JACK: Do
00:56:06.500 --> 00:56:07.669
you think he died?
00:56:08.059 --> 00:56:09.169
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I’m certain of it.
00:56:09.169 --> 00:56:10.489
There was just too much blood.
00:56:12.129 --> 00:56:15.249
I fucking ran and ran and ran, and
00:56:17.339 --> 00:56:21.129
I never spoke to my mother ever again.