WEBVTT
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Hi everyone, welcome back to Love and Life Sorted.
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I'm Dr.
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Sandy Toe, and today I want to talk about, you know, what constitutes a good match.
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Yeah, so whether you're single or married, this is a question that you can, you know, reflect upon or ask yourself.
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You know, what is like a good match between a couple, right?
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So is it like uh well, uh let's let's uh talk about the the basics, of course.
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Uh they are, you know, compatibility on some level uh of of personality um or like interests and values, right?
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Those are like the the non-negotiables or are the very basic fundamental elements that work, you know.
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Um but what about let's talk about like socioeconomic criteria?
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Um if you are a single highly educated professional woman, uh would you actually want to find a partner who is on the same level as you in terms of education level, in terms of professional level, uh and career status?
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Yeah, um the thing is you have to ask yourself this question: what is the best match for you and what are you looking for?
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Yeah, so do you think that it is vital for you to find someone who is very similar to you in terms of your uh education and your career?
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Like, say if you were a doctor, uh a medical doctor, then do you prefer to find like uh a partner who is also a doctor or also works in the medical field, or something that's like very similar in in terms of this level, like uh maybe another professional, right?
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Someone who works as uh another white-collar professional uh with a very similar educational background as you.
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Or if you were you had a master's degree, would you prefer someone who also had a master's degree?
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Or uh if you are from like uh an elite college, would you prefer someone who's also from an elite institute uh institution?
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Yeah, like uh these are questions that we do have to ask ourselves.
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For some people, they're more comfortable if they're with someone who's very similar in terms of family background, even, right?
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So maybe they're from a middle class family, they really want to find someone who uh is also middle class or above, or they want to find someone with very similar socio-economic background as them.
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Yeah, like these are things like we maybe take for granted.
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Uh usually, you know, people would think that like introducing someone to you, uh for instance, they would think that, oh okay, like I must uh introduce someone, uh I must find someone who's like at a very similar level as her.
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Or else uh they won't find it to be a good match.
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Like they won't think that the prospects, you know, the the the the the the candidate that I introduce is is any good, and then you know I would fail as a matchmaker.
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I don't want to introduce uh her to someone who like uh is too different from her, right?
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Yeah, so the thing is like what is too different, right?
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So like I have a friend uh who is probably one of the most accomplished women that I have ever known, okay?
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Uh and one of these days uh she she will uh she promised that she would come up and talk about her story.
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Yeah, like that would be very interesting.
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Okay, so yeah, I have a friend um who is uh really accomplished.
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She's got she's got a PhD and an MBA, okay, from uh prestigious institutions.
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And she also took a long time to find a partner.
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Uh she she found a partner in her early 40s.
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Yes.
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So uh throughout, you know, her her whole entire Um 30s, like she she had been struggling a lot to find someone who's right for her.
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Uh she's had long-term relationships, but they, you know, they just didn't happen to work out.
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Yeah, so uh she was really open to asking a lot of people to introduce to her.
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Uh and so uh her friends uh who introduced someone to her, like they like she would always end up, you know, trying to find like men who are PhDs for her or men who are university professors for her, you know?
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And she would end up saying, uh like each time, yeah, you know, I I met up with these guys, but if they're not my cup of tea, you know, even though I'm like a scientist.
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Like she she's like in the science field, like she does research, like really highbrow research.
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And so she's like, Yeah, I am like a a scient uh a scientist and a researcher and everything, but it doesn't mean that I have to find someone who is exactly the same as me, you know.
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So so like can you guys stop introducing me to like other male professors?
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Um, because I just don't feel like uh they're a good match for me.
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I I I just felt that they were like uh a wee bit too boring.
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Yeah, so so you know, I'm sorry about that.
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Like coming coming from her, it it it is like sounding a little ironic, right?
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Because she is, you know, she's a self-proclaimed nerd.
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Like she like reads a lot, she does a lot of research, writes a lot of papers, and she, you know, see she's a self-proclaimed nerd.
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She's like, you know, yeah, I'm so nerdy and everything.
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But like she has her other like side, which is like also very humorous.
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Yeah, she's like really funny and humorous and really playful and down to earth.
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You know, like she she she she does all this highbrow stuff, but she's like like one of the most down to earth girls that I ever knew.
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Yeah, and but she's like, well, you know, I I I'm afraid that I I I I I come off as too nerdy, and so like that's one of the reasons why like guys, like they're probably well, can you use intimidated, but yeah, put off or intimidated by um my my by her nerdiness, like she means.
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Like they they think that all she does is read and never goes out, never has fun, and uh that's why she can't really meet guys on her own uh unless she doesn't reveal what she does, okay?
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You know, but but I think like conversation with her, you could tell that she's like quite intellectual too, you know, like cultured and intellectual.
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Yeah, you you won't get the wrong idea, okay?
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Yeah, so for her, it's exactly because she has this difficulty meeting guys on her own.
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She has this burden on her that you know, guys find her intimidating or I don't know, too studious, too nerdy, and so she can't find guys on her own.
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So she asks her friends to introduce, and all these friends are not professors, okay?
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She she she has so many friends who are just like um you know, uh they like to go out, they like to party, and they're just, you know, they're they're not like uh well nerdy, as as she says of herself, okay?
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And these friends, like they they try so hard to find guys who are like her, okay?
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And they never ended up working.
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Yeah, and you know, for in the end, I can tell you that like uh what she did had worked out, and she finally found like a really great guy who's not a professor, who's like totally different from her, and she got married in her early 40s.
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Yeah, so um congratulations to her, and I can't wait to have her on the show to talk about her very successful story on her own, alright?
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Um, but okay, as of now, I'm not gonna spoil the surprise.
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I'm not gonna tell you how she met her husband, but I can tell you that he is not a professor.
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Okay, he is definitely very different from her in like uh on the level of uh education and uh profession.
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Okay, so yeah, that's not to say that he's not educated.
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So uh, you know, he he can be educated in his own capacity, except he's just not uh he's not a PhD, okay?
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And that that worked wonders for her.
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It worked the best for her.
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Best that ever did, more so than any of the other PhDs she's ever dated.
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Yeah, so having talked about her uh example, I wanted to bring out like the fact that even if you're at a certain, you know, professional level, educational level, um, it doesn't necessarily mean that the the best match for you is someone who is similar to you in that level.
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Okay, so yeah, I'm not saying that you should veer completely away from that, uh, because probably you would not have very similar lifestyles and values, you know, i economic values, monetary values, uh spending habits and those things, places that you like to go, or holidays you like to take.
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They might be like too drastic, you know, in terms of difference, and you might not be compatible on a lifestyle level, and you can't be with a partner like that if they're too different on uh on that level, right?
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So I'm not telling you to wear completely off track, but yeah, uh I have I have another friend uh uh who I met while I was studying in Cambridge.
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Okay, so she's like super intellectual.
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Yeah, so she was also doing her PhD, and she's uh yeah, very intellectual, uh very smart, and very fun as well.
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Yeah, like an another one of the the funnest, like funniest, yeah, the funniest, most humorous people I know.
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Yeah, and uh she told me that once she went on uh like a a a holiday, a family holiday, and she met um someone there.
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Like she met a guy there who is probably like a neighborhood technician, uh, but he didn't go to university.
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Yeah, and he probably doesn't use the computer a lot, and I think his skill is more uh having to do with um building uh things, like fixing things.
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Yeah, he's he's a technician guy, like a local technician guy, which she met like maybe uh near her uh family vacation spot.
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Yeah, so uh but you know what?
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Like she she told me she had one of the best conversations she had with a guy.
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Yeah, like a guy who was not um chauvinistic, you know, always challenging her to a debate, you know, that like the minute she says like the guys know that she's doing a PhD on this certain subject, uh they would be, you know, trying to pose questions about it and try to um invite her to a debate on this subject or something to prove her ability or something like that, right?
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Um or prove their ability in front of her.
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And she's sort of done with that.
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Yeah, she she says she's met too many of these people in in at Cambridge, right?
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So she she finally met this really easygoing down-to-earth guy who who's like a world like apart from her, who's does not belong in that world, right?
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And so she had a really good conversation, and um, but I I think she told me that this guy doesn't really use email that much.
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Yeah, probably like uh he he he's in this small town and he doesn't really need to communicate via email, like he knows everyone there anyway.
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So uh yeah, and he's probably not leaving that town.
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He's he was like born and bred there.
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And so she's like, Well, the thing is I don't really know how to keep in touch with the guy.
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He has email, but he rarely uses it, and he seems like he doesn't really know how to use a computer that well, and he's like completely opposite of me, and you know, he he's in that small town, and I like I would not imagine myself being there after I, you know, get my PhD and stuff.
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And so she told me that she didn't pursue it, right?
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But but afterwards she like uh after coming back, she she said that she sort of partially regretted, or she told me that she always had the feeling, you know, looking back, thinking, what if, you know, so what if she had um contacted the guy or you know, tried to keep in touch with the guy or something to see what would happen?
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Would something have happened that would end up to be, you know, what would blossom into a great relationship?
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Because, you know, she's she's so fed up with like these guys who are like really sort of uh either intimidated by her or trying to challenge her, right?
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So she's like, well, it's it's a it's a breath of fresh air to meet like uh a down-to-earth guy like that, right?
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But you know, the thing is it's uh it's not a rom-com that we live in, like she understands, like she's really practical as well, you know.
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She's she's like she's like, well, you know, we we don't live in one of those uh eat pray love like narratives, right?
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Like you don't go on vacation and you just meet some guy and you fall in love and then happy ending, end of story.
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Like he you move there to be with him.
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You know, it's life is not easy for me, you know.
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I have like my family to to consider uh and and everything, you know, their expectations.
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So I really can't like up and leave, you know, and I'm doing m doing my PhD.
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It's it's supposed to amount to something afterwards, right?
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I have to go teach, right?
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So um for her, it was like a bunch of what-ifs or missed opportunities or something.
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So she's like, you know, but I don't know, looking back, what if I don't find someone like uh as great as that guy?
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Uh will will I have regrets?
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You know, something like that.
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So yeah, I think this is food for thought that we sometimes need to find a balance between our aspirations or what we think we want or what is we think is best for us in society's eyes, or even our parents' eyes, versus um uh something that might be a little bit out of the ordinary or out of our conventional track.
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Uh that sometimes may work out.
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Yeah, some sometimes like it's a balance between something that's very, you know, fantastical, like something that's like completely uh like impossible, versus something that's very standardized, very routine, uh very on track, right?
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So sometimes, you know, you you just have to I guess like find the middle ground, like try to evaluate um what what you want.
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And if you're okay with it, and if the the community you live in is okay with it, you know, there's so much to think about, so much to balance, right?
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And that makes um you know finding a partner more complicated than it is.
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Yeah, it's it's it's not all just uh about love or about connection or chemistry.
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Like there's so many things we need to think about in terms of you know background and like societal expectations, your own values, your own expectations, your family, everything, right?
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So these these are some of the things that might be sometimes hindering us or holding us down uh in our partner choice journey.
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Yeah, so um I I read the book by John Berger at Datanomics and also another book, uh Make Your Move.
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So I think these give very realistic advice to uh single, highly educated professional women out there who sometimes have trouble uh finding a partner, finding eligible men.
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Because first of all, Berger argues like very cogently that uh, you know, you using extensive statistical research, you know, he's found that like in some of the major states, like half of the American states, like uh the major state states, especially New York City, like it's especially hard for single professional women to find single professional men.
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Because first of all, like the university educated women outnumber uh university educated men, first of all, right?
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So uh besides the US and also in like the majority of countries in the world, actually.
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So you could find, you know, looking around you, why is it that like um there are more single women that you know than single men that you know in probably the same age category?
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Yeah, so we're not talking about like huge age difference, but like within the same cohort, uh you would find that like there's there's seemingly there's seemingly not enough like eligible guys to go around for your single girlfriends.
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And you know, regrettably, that is why I can never find matches for my single girl and guy friends, because there's never enough guys for for the girls to go around.
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Yeah, like so like everywhere I look, you know, uh in any like capacity that I'm in, it's always like full of single, fabulous women, but there's there's not guys that are um take that are free.
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Yeah, there may be single, fabulous guys, but they're they're not free, you know?
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Like they're they've been taken.
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So that's why the competition is keen.
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And you would find that like the the single eligible men who are taken, uh, you know, they they would have uh the girls that that that took them would have taken some initiative, probably more than you.
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Okay, so that is why, like, um the more initiative you take, again, the you know, I I talked about this in my uh like another episode, which uh I'll I would probably talk about again, you know.
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I cannot emphasize enough that you know probably being very passive and waiting for Prince Charming or Mr.
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R Mr.
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Wright is not going to land you Mr.
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Wright because the competition is so keen that a lot of women they will go out there and fight for their own happiness.
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Yeah, so you you you would even see, you know, in Sex in the City, which is based in New York, right?
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So how how difficult it is for uh so many single fabulous women out there uh to find just you know to to to just get like uh an eligible man, right?
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And the ones like um even even Carrie uh is quite proactive, you know, in meeting guys.
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You know, Mr.
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Big wouldn't have been caught by her, right, if she didn't take some form of initiative.
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Right.
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So um as I said, you know, should should you make more of a move?
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Yes, like the more accomplished you are, the more you should try to, you know, open more of a door for the guy to walk in, like to create opportunities.
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Yeah, okay, so like speaking of uh Burger's book again, um Datanomics, like he gives like very uh I think very practical advice that if um first of all, like if you're a woman living in New York City, somewhere where it's nearly impossible to get like a decent single guy, uh then you should consider moving.
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Yeah, so like what you would do for your education, you know, going to another another country or state to pursue like uh the college of your dreams, right?
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Or going to a place to pursue the career of your dreams.
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So why can't you move across the country uh to another state uh to pursue the relationship of your dreams?
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So he had suggested that uh the West Coast in like Silicon Valley, California, is the best because there are a lot of those um hot male at single engineers waiting for you to uh to get because um he said that the the in the west coast uh as opposed to New York City, whereas you're stuck in New York where like the guys, the single guys are spoiled for choice, right?
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Because like the women surrounding them, there are just too many single fabulous women that they cannot, you know, uh put their hand down on who they want to be like uh their girlfriend.
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So they just have they just end up shopping around all the time and never settling, right?
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Never settling down.
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And so, you know, the the the opposite is for the guys um in the Silicon Valley.
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Like they're probably too busy building their uh tech empires, uh too busy doing research, too busy uh doing all sorts of nerdy stuff, you know, in a good way, right?
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Right?
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And you know m uh and you know, before you know it, they they've made themselves like uh tech billionaires or something.
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And so they they probably like don't have the time or the skill sets for courting women.
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Yeah, so they they're like the opposite of those like uh I don't know, finance guys in New York.
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So as Berger says, like these tech guys, they're waiting for you to get a hand on them, right?
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To like uh they're waiting to find girlfriends.
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So if you ever have trouble, you know, finding someone in this particular place, then you should probably consider looking at the numbers.
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Yeah, so this is something that I have also told like um my friends who lives in the US.
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Like she she lives lives in a place, like a small town, which she says there are no guys, there are no single available guys her age, and they're all married.
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If they are, they're married.
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Okay.
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So I was like, so what are you what are you still doing there, girl?
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Right?
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So so you can you know, these are the guys that you see day in, day out.
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There's no new blood coming in, right?
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So what are you still doing there stuck?
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Uh if you want to find a partner.
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So get get your, you know, get your butt up and go move somewhere, right?
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Uh move somewhere where there are more opportunities to meet eligible guys.
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So yeah, uh, and she's definitely considering that.
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Because, you know, hey, you're mobile, right?
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Low, you're you're not stuck somewhere you don't want to be.
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And, you know, like if if finding a partner is what you want, then you have to go and get it.
00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:52.799
Yeah, and Berger talks about the fact that like the more open-minded you are um in yeah, finding a match that is not of your regular convention, like the more opportunity you have to find a partner.
00:23:53.119 --> 00:24:09.119
Yeah, so if you look beyond what you think is your standard, like someone with the same background as you, uh educationally, professionally, then you know, it doesn't mean that this person is not uh high achieving in their own capacity, right?
00:24:09.279 --> 00:24:27.839
So if you're looking okay, so you're uh a highly accomplished single woman and you're looking for uh uh an accomplished guy, obviously, who who's not too far behind you in terms of accomplishments, because first of all, they'll get resentful of you if you're like too, too much um more accomplished than them, right?
00:24:28.160 --> 00:24:30.960
And intimidated, resentful, whatnot.
00:24:31.119 --> 00:24:38.880
So, first of all, you're not gonna find one who is not accomplished, but they can be accomplished too in their own capacity, right?
00:24:39.279 --> 00:24:52.480
So, like for my friend who she said, well, like uh who's uh my friend from Cambridge who said she may have forgone an opportunity uh with a guy who doesn't use the computer very much.
00:24:52.640 --> 00:25:03.200
But hey, maybe he's very accomplished in his um his building bic business and his uh his carpentry and his fixing stuff like uh as a technician.
00:25:03.519 --> 00:25:12.799
Like he, you know, someday, you don't know, he might be uh starting his own company or uh he might make it big some some somehow in his own capacity.
00:25:12.880 --> 00:25:19.119
It it may not be like in terms of like intellectually or in terms of academically, right?
00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:24.640
So the the fact that you're a professor, it doesn't mean that you know he should be a professor.
00:25:24.880 --> 00:25:33.759
So like uh a very good example was my my friend who is a PhD, is a professor, a scientist, who found someone who's not.
00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:39.039
Yeah, and like it doesn't mean that her husband is not accomplished in his own in his own realm.
00:25:39.279 --> 00:25:43.279
So yeah, uh I'll let uh her tell you what he does.
00:25:43.359 --> 00:25:48.079
But yeah, he's definitely accomplished, as accomplished as her, but in a different way.
00:25:48.319 --> 00:26:17.920
So because there are more university educated women than men across most of the countries in the world, then the solution would be that you would probably like be being a single educated uh professional woman, you would look beyond these very standardized uh um socioeconomic criteria and maybe try to like accept someone who's not exactly in your realm, but accomplished in their own.
00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:34.720
Yeah, so Berger uh in Datonomics, he also mentions how because there are not enough white-collar men to go around for white-collar professional women, then like the women could also look beyond uh this category.
00:26:34.880 --> 00:26:36.160
You might be surprised.
00:26:36.319 --> 00:26:42.480
You know, he he's had friends who have dated outside their normative uh candidates.
00:26:42.640 --> 00:26:50.960
So, you know, like labels like white-collar, blue collar nowadays it's just not that significant or important anymore.
00:26:51.039 --> 00:26:59.279
Like, especially now that the line is blurred between white collar, blue-collar, traditional or modern industries, right?
00:26:59.599 --> 00:27:10.960
So, yeah, the here here's a here's a time that uh you can re-evaluate and rethink your prospects and your criteria for a partner.
00:27:11.200 --> 00:27:17.759
Yeah, and sometimes your perfect match may really not be someone who's exactly like you.
00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:31.039
Um you know, I I have a friend who said like he he doesn't he's a doctor, and he said he doesn't want, you know, uh like a girlfriend or wife who works in that same profession as him.
00:27:31.200 --> 00:27:34.559
Because he said that it doesn't bring a thing anything new to the table.
00:27:34.720 --> 00:27:46.079
Yeah, so he's he he specifically looked for someone who's not within that profession, you know, whether it's doctor or nurse or medical uh services or any anyone related to medicine.
00:27:46.160 --> 00:27:49.440
He said he he's had enough of that for his work, right?
00:27:49.519 --> 00:27:53.759
So he specifically wanted to look for a girl who's outside that industry.
00:27:54.000 --> 00:27:56.640
Right, so and I mean same for us girls.
00:27:56.799 --> 00:28:02.400
Um like my like my friend who's a scientist, a PhD and MBA has everything, right?
00:28:02.559 --> 00:28:06.559
Every um quite uh every qualification you can think of, right?
00:28:06.720 --> 00:28:10.160
And she's like, Well, I don't want to find someone who's like me.
00:28:10.319 --> 00:28:14.160
She said, you know, I've done uh enough studying, I've done enough research.
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:18.000
I just want to sort of like find someone who brings something new to the table.
00:28:18.240 --> 00:28:21.519
Yeah, so we can all learn something from these people.
00:28:21.680 --> 00:28:26.400
Uh oh yeah, and I can tell you too, my husband also does not work in academia.
00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:32.079
He's not a professor, and he doesn't do any research, uh, and he hasn't written a book, right?
00:28:32.240 --> 00:28:37.519
So same as for me, you know, like I I totally understand my friend.
00:28:37.599 --> 00:28:50.400
Like, for me as well, I I never actually found any affinity uh romantically with any of my like uh my workmates or or any like of the guys I worked with.
00:28:50.480 --> 00:29:01.599
Yeah, but it was like I think we just like talk like uh I don't know, um business is business, and then you you just don't have any pleasure within that, you know, for for myself, right?
00:29:01.759 --> 00:29:13.759
So so for for for me as well, like I I wanted to find someone who could bring something new to the table, I can learn something new from, and I didn't have to talk about work or I didn't have to talk about what I do.
00:29:13.839 --> 00:29:16.000
So it is a breath of fresh air.
00:29:16.160 --> 00:29:25.839
So I think similarly, like um for like single, uh fabulous women out there, you know, you you you should look beyond your terrain.
00:29:25.920 --> 00:29:41.759
Uh try to uh keep an eye out for guys who are not doing what you do or not really like having the same achievements because um you know it it's worth it's worth looking uh at their achievements too, you know.
00:29:41.839 --> 00:29:45.279
Like they could be high achieving in their own capacity.
00:29:45.680 --> 00:30:01.519
Yeah, so sometimes I even know some women who their their husbands are like really quite different in terms of socioeconomic background uh or achievements, but like they're really good on another level.
00:30:01.680 --> 00:30:07.039
Like they probably don't like you you can't measure it by money uh solely, okay?
00:30:07.200 --> 00:30:14.720
So they may not earn as much money as you, but they probably bring something uh really valuable to the table.
00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:20.240
Uh maybe like they have a skill set that you really need, like you really need to learn.
00:30:20.319 --> 00:30:27.279
You're you're really clueless about like say computers or something, and uh they're really good at technology.
00:30:27.440 --> 00:30:30.720
Yeah, you you really need a guy like that, you know, in your life.
00:30:30.880 --> 00:30:38.960
I think like you would be lost if you uh, you know, you can't keep calling your company's computer guy when you need help, right?
00:30:39.039 --> 00:30:39.920
Like on a Sunday.
00:30:40.160 --> 00:30:41.359
There's no one, right?
00:30:41.440 --> 00:30:50.480
So like there's something that they can they can sometimes bring into your life, they can enrich your life in ways that you you didn't know you need.
00:30:50.640 --> 00:30:56.720
Yeah, and I have a friend who uh does not know how to cook for her life, uh, but really loves to eat.
00:30:56.880 --> 00:31:03.039
Okay, so the only form of food that she can ever get are takeaways because she has she never has time to cook.
00:31:03.119 --> 00:31:13.599
She's very high-powered, never has time to cook anything for herself, never had the time to learn uh or buy any any groceries ever, so that she just eats like a out a lot, right?
00:31:13.680 --> 00:31:18.160
So like she met this guy, like her her husband, who's like a terrific cook.
00:31:18.319 --> 00:31:25.759
Yeah, and I I think like he he could definitely like think of opening up a restaurant or becoming a c a cook one day professionally.
00:31:26.079 --> 00:31:30.160
And like uh like so it like and it changed her life.
00:31:30.400 --> 00:31:30.720
Yeah.
00:31:30.880 --> 00:31:36.799
So you know, they have friends over and he gets to show off his cooking skills and everything.
00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:39.839
So yeah, like uh it's it's really funny sometimes.
00:31:39.920 --> 00:31:45.359
Like uh they work in completely different realms, but it works out sometimes.
00:31:45.599 --> 00:31:55.119
So I think what you need to do is like stop looking only at uh you know similar socioeconomic background and look beyond that.
00:31:55.359 --> 00:32:09.119
Because as Berger says, given that the reality is that there really aren't like the s like exact same number of uh of the sexes to go around for each other, okay?
00:32:09.279 --> 00:32:16.559
So the the figures completely skewed on the side of of women, like being much more than men.
00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:29.119
Okay, so there aren't like first of all, if there aren't enough of these eligible, you know, s traditionally considered eligible men to go around for women, then it's time to look beyond the standard.
00:32:29.279 --> 00:32:34.559
Look beyond, you know, what what what people mean by conventionally successful.
00:32:34.799 --> 00:32:43.039
And you know, maybe there's a guy out there who who doesn't fit your normal standards, but is as great too in their area.
00:32:43.279 --> 00:32:50.240
Yeah, so uh if if you've overlooked these guys in the past, like you should start looking for them now.
00:32:50.559 --> 00:33:02.880
Because uh, well, first of all, it's to I guess to narrow the gap of uh the different numbers, and also it can definitely bring you more opportunities.
00:33:03.119 --> 00:33:09.279
So yeah, if if definitely you're not finding something within your own area, you should look beyond.
00:33:09.440 --> 00:33:11.359
Uh and be surprised.
00:33:11.440 --> 00:33:14.880
Yeah, you you would be surprised as to what you will find.
00:33:15.039 --> 00:33:16.559
Like, I assure you.
00:33:16.880 --> 00:33:19.440
Okay, so thank you so much for being here.
00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:23.519
And remember to subscribe to Love and Life Sorted so you don't miss an episode.
00:33:23.759 --> 00:33:33.359
And uh, if you want to continue our conversation, you can subscribe to my free newsletter where we can discuss more about these topics uh in a more detailed manner.
00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:37.359
And also check out our IG page for more fun stuff.
00:33:37.519 --> 00:33:40.319
And I'll see you again next week on Love and Life Sorted.
00:33:40.559 --> 00:33:41.440
Okay, bye!
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:12.080
Hi everyone, welcome back to Love and Life Sorted.
00:00:12.160 --> 00:00:12.560
I'm Dr.
00:00:12.640 --> 00:00:19.039
Sandy Toe, and today I want to talk about, you know, what constitutes a good match.
00:00:19.280 --> 00:00:27.440
Yeah, so whether you're single or married, this is a question that you can, you know, reflect upon or ask yourself.
00:00:27.600 --> 00:00:31.920
You know, what is like a good match between a couple, right?
00:00:32.079 --> 00:00:38.799
So is it like uh well, uh let's let's uh talk about the the basics, of course.
00:00:38.960 --> 00:00:48.079
Uh they are, you know, compatibility on some level uh of of personality um or like interests and values, right?
00:00:48.159 --> 00:00:55.039
Those are like the the non-negotiables or are the very basic fundamental elements that work, you know.
00:00:55.280 --> 00:01:00.000
Um but what about let's talk about like socioeconomic criteria?
00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:18.719
Um if you are a single highly educated professional woman, uh would you actually want to find a partner who is on the same level as you in terms of education level, in terms of professional level, uh and career status?
00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:25.280
Yeah, um the thing is you have to ask yourself this question: what is the best match for you and what are you looking for?
00:01:25.519 --> 00:01:37.599
Yeah, so do you think that it is vital for you to find someone who is very similar to you in terms of your uh education and your career?
00:01:37.760 --> 00:01:56.000
Like, say if you were a doctor, uh a medical doctor, then do you prefer to find like uh a partner who is also a doctor or also works in the medical field, or something that's like very similar in in terms of this level, like uh maybe another professional, right?
00:01:56.159 --> 00:02:02.560
Someone who works as uh another white-collar professional uh with a very similar educational background as you.
00:02:02.719 --> 00:02:08.719
Or if you were you had a master's degree, would you prefer someone who also had a master's degree?
00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:18.000
Or uh if you are from like uh an elite college, would you prefer someone who's also from an elite institute uh institution?
00:02:18.719 --> 00:02:22.879
Yeah, like uh these are questions that we do have to ask ourselves.
00:02:23.120 --> 00:02:30.719
For some people, they're more comfortable if they're with someone who's very similar in terms of family background, even, right?
00:02:30.800 --> 00:02:45.840
So maybe they're from a middle class family, they really want to find someone who uh is also middle class or above, or they want to find someone with very similar socio-economic background as them.
00:02:46.479 --> 00:02:50.159
Yeah, like these are things like we maybe take for granted.
00:02:50.400 --> 00:03:07.120
Uh usually, you know, people would think that like introducing someone to you, uh for instance, they would think that, oh okay, like I must uh introduce someone, uh I must find someone who's like at a very similar level as her.
00:03:07.599 --> 00:03:12.240
Or else uh they won't find it to be a good match.
00:03:12.400 --> 00:03:22.639
Like they won't think that the prospects, you know, the the the the the the candidate that I introduce is is any good, and then you know I would fail as a matchmaker.
00:03:22.960 --> 00:03:29.520
I don't want to introduce uh her to someone who like uh is too different from her, right?
00:03:29.919 --> 00:03:33.520
Yeah, so the thing is like what is too different, right?
00:03:33.840 --> 00:03:42.639
So like I have a friend uh who is probably one of the most accomplished women that I have ever known, okay?
00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:49.439
Uh and one of these days uh she she will uh she promised that she would come up and talk about her story.
00:03:49.599 --> 00:03:52.159
Yeah, like that would be very interesting.
00:03:52.400 --> 00:03:57.840
Okay, so yeah, I have a friend um who is uh really accomplished.
00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:04.000
She's got she's got a PhD and an MBA, okay, from uh prestigious institutions.
00:04:04.400 --> 00:04:07.439
And she also took a long time to find a partner.
00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:11.120
Uh she she found a partner in her early 40s.
00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:11.840
Yes.
00:04:12.080 --> 00:04:22.240
So uh throughout, you know, her her whole entire Um 30s, like she she had been struggling a lot to find someone who's right for her.
00:04:22.399 --> 00:04:27.600
Uh she's had long-term relationships, but they, you know, they just didn't happen to work out.
00:04:27.759 --> 00:04:32.639
Yeah, so uh she was really open to asking a lot of people to introduce to her.
00:04:32.800 --> 00:04:50.879
Uh and so uh her friends uh who introduced someone to her, like they like she would always end up, you know, trying to find like men who are PhDs for her or men who are university professors for her, you know?
00:04:51.120 --> 00:05:03.439
And she would end up saying, uh like each time, yeah, you know, I I met up with these guys, but if they're not my cup of tea, you know, even though I'm like a scientist.
00:05:03.600 --> 00:05:08.560
Like she she's like in the science field, like she does research, like really highbrow research.
00:05:08.639 --> 00:05:21.279
And so she's like, Yeah, I am like a a scient uh a scientist and a researcher and everything, but it doesn't mean that I have to find someone who is exactly the same as me, you know.
00:05:21.360 --> 00:05:27.519
So so like can you guys stop introducing me to like other male professors?
00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:33.600
Um, because I just don't feel like uh they're a good match for me.
00:05:33.680 --> 00:05:38.319
I I I just felt that they were like uh a wee bit too boring.
00:05:39.120 --> 00:05:41.600
Yeah, so so you know, I'm sorry about that.
00:05:41.680 --> 00:05:46.160
Like coming coming from her, it it it is like sounding a little ironic, right?
00:05:46.240 --> 00:05:50.000
Because she is, you know, she's a self-proclaimed nerd.
00:05:50.160 --> 00:05:57.360
Like she like reads a lot, she does a lot of research, writes a lot of papers, and she, you know, see she's a self-proclaimed nerd.
00:05:57.439 --> 00:05:59.839
She's like, you know, yeah, I'm so nerdy and everything.
00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:05.920
But like she has her other like side, which is like also very humorous.
00:06:06.160 --> 00:06:12.560
Yeah, she's like really funny and humorous and really playful and down to earth.
00:06:12.800 --> 00:06:21.040
You know, like she she she she does all this highbrow stuff, but she's like like one of the most down to earth girls that I ever knew.
00:06:21.279 --> 00:06:42.399
Yeah, and but she's like, well, you know, I I I'm afraid that I I I I I come off as too nerdy, and so like that's one of the reasons why like guys, like they're probably well, can you use intimidated, but yeah, put off or intimidated by um my my by her nerdiness, like she means.
00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:55.279
Like they they think that all she does is read and never goes out, never has fun, and uh that's why she can't really meet guys on her own uh unless she doesn't reveal what she does, okay?
00:06:55.519 --> 00:07:01.839
You know, but but I think like conversation with her, you could tell that she's like quite intellectual too, you know, like cultured and intellectual.
00:07:02.000 --> 00:07:04.480
Yeah, you you won't get the wrong idea, okay?
00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:10.399
Yeah, so for her, it's exactly because she has this difficulty meeting guys on her own.
00:07:10.560 --> 00:07:20.879
She has this burden on her that you know, guys find her intimidating or I don't know, too studious, too nerdy, and so she can't find guys on her own.
00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:26.000
So she asks her friends to introduce, and all these friends are not professors, okay?
00:07:26.079 --> 00:07:39.439
She she she has so many friends who are just like um you know, uh they like to go out, they like to party, and they're just, you know, they're they're not like uh well nerdy, as as she says of herself, okay?
00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:45.839
And these friends, like they they try so hard to find guys who are like her, okay?
00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:48.079
And they never ended up working.
00:07:48.560 --> 00:08:04.959
Yeah, and you know, for in the end, I can tell you that like uh what she did had worked out, and she finally found like a really great guy who's not a professor, who's like totally different from her, and she got married in her early 40s.
00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:14.879
Yeah, so um congratulations to her, and I can't wait to have her on the show to talk about her very successful story on her own, alright?
00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:18.240
Um, but okay, as of now, I'm not gonna spoil the surprise.
00:08:18.399 --> 00:08:24.720
I'm not gonna tell you how she met her husband, but I can tell you that he is not a professor.
00:08:24.959 --> 00:08:35.519
Okay, he is definitely very different from her in like uh on the level of uh education and uh profession.
00:08:35.919 --> 00:08:39.120
Okay, so yeah, that's not to say that he's not educated.
00:08:39.279 --> 00:08:46.720
So uh, you know, he he can be educated in his own capacity, except he's just not uh he's not a PhD, okay?
00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:49.519
And that that worked wonders for her.
00:08:49.679 --> 00:08:51.200
It worked the best for her.
00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:56.399
Best that ever did, more so than any of the other PhDs she's ever dated.
00:08:57.200 --> 00:09:16.399
Yeah, so having talked about her uh example, I wanted to bring out like the fact that even if you're at a certain, you know, professional level, educational level, um, it doesn't necessarily mean that the the best match for you is someone who is similar to you in that level.
00:09:16.639 --> 00:09:36.000
Okay, so yeah, I'm not saying that you should veer completely away from that, uh, because probably you would not have very similar lifestyles and values, you know, i economic values, monetary values, uh spending habits and those things, places that you like to go, or holidays you like to take.
00:09:36.240 --> 00:09:49.600
They might be like too drastic, you know, in terms of difference, and you might not be compatible on a lifestyle level, and you can't be with a partner like that if they're too different on uh on that level, right?
00:09:49.759 --> 00:09:59.679
So I'm not telling you to wear completely off track, but yeah, uh I have I have another friend uh uh who I met while I was studying in Cambridge.
00:09:59.840 --> 00:10:02.480
Okay, so she's like super intellectual.
00:10:02.639 --> 00:10:11.279
Yeah, so she was also doing her PhD, and she's uh yeah, very intellectual, uh very smart, and very fun as well.
00:10:11.440 --> 00:10:18.159
Yeah, like an another one of the the funnest, like funniest, yeah, the funniest, most humorous people I know.
00:10:18.399 --> 00:10:28.960
Yeah, and uh she told me that once she went on uh like a a a holiday, a family holiday, and she met um someone there.
00:10:29.120 --> 00:10:38.720
Like she met a guy there who is probably like a neighborhood technician, uh, but he didn't go to university.
00:10:38.960 --> 00:10:51.759
Yeah, and he probably doesn't use the computer a lot, and I think his skill is more uh having to do with um building uh things, like fixing things.
00:10:51.840 --> 00:11:00.720
Yeah, he's he's a technician guy, like a local technician guy, which she met like maybe uh near her uh family vacation spot.
00:11:00.960 --> 00:11:02.879
Yeah, so uh but you know what?
00:11:02.960 --> 00:11:08.159
Like she she told me she had one of the best conversations she had with a guy.
00:11:08.399 --> 00:11:36.799
Yeah, like a guy who was not um chauvinistic, you know, always challenging her to a debate, you know, that like the minute she says like the guys know that she's doing a PhD on this certain subject, uh they would be, you know, trying to pose questions about it and try to um invite her to a debate on this subject or something to prove her ability or something like that, right?
00:11:36.879 --> 00:11:39.200
Um or prove their ability in front of her.
00:11:39.440 --> 00:11:41.360
And she's sort of done with that.
00:11:41.440 --> 00:11:46.720
Yeah, she she says she's met too many of these people in in at Cambridge, right?
00:11:46.799 --> 00:11:57.039
So she she finally met this really easygoing down-to-earth guy who who's like a world like apart from her, who's does not belong in that world, right?
00:11:57.200 --> 00:12:04.960
And so she had a really good conversation, and um, but I I think she told me that this guy doesn't really use email that much.
00:12:05.120 --> 00:12:13.679
Yeah, probably like uh he he he's in this small town and he doesn't really need to communicate via email, like he knows everyone there anyway.
00:12:13.919 --> 00:12:17.200
So uh yeah, and he's probably not leaving that town.
00:12:17.279 --> 00:12:19.759
He's he was like born and bred there.
00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:24.879
And so she's like, Well, the thing is I don't really know how to keep in touch with the guy.
00:12:25.039 --> 00:12:44.320
He has email, but he rarely uses it, and he seems like he doesn't really know how to use a computer that well, and he's like completely opposite of me, and you know, he he's in that small town, and I like I would not imagine myself being there after I, you know, get my PhD and stuff.
00:12:44.559 --> 00:12:48.080
And so she told me that she didn't pursue it, right?
00:12:48.399 --> 00:13:12.399
But but afterwards she like uh after coming back, she she said that she sort of partially regretted, or she told me that she always had the feeling, you know, looking back, thinking, what if, you know, so what if she had um contacted the guy or you know, tried to keep in touch with the guy or something to see what would happen?
00:13:12.799 --> 00:13:20.320
Would something have happened that would end up to be, you know, what would blossom into a great relationship?
00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:31.360
Because, you know, she's she's so fed up with like these guys who are like really sort of uh either intimidated by her or trying to challenge her, right?
00:13:31.519 --> 00:13:38.879
So she's like, well, it's it's a it's a breath of fresh air to meet like uh a down-to-earth guy like that, right?
00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:46.320
But you know, the thing is it's uh it's not a rom-com that we live in, like she understands, like she's really practical as well, you know.
00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:53.679
She's she's like she's like, well, you know, we we don't live in one of those uh eat pray love like narratives, right?
00:13:53.840 --> 00:13:59.679
Like you don't go on vacation and you just meet some guy and you fall in love and then happy ending, end of story.
00:13:59.840 --> 00:14:01.600
Like he you move there to be with him.
00:14:01.759 --> 00:14:03.840
You know, it's life is not easy for me, you know.
00:14:03.919 --> 00:14:10.480
I have like my family to to consider uh and and everything, you know, their expectations.
00:14:10.639 --> 00:14:15.360
So I really can't like up and leave, you know, and I'm doing m doing my PhD.
00:14:15.440 --> 00:14:18.159
It's it's supposed to amount to something afterwards, right?
00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:19.600
I have to go teach, right?
00:14:19.919 --> 00:14:26.960
So um for her, it was like a bunch of what-ifs or missed opportunities or something.
00:14:27.200 --> 00:14:35.519
So she's like, you know, but I don't know, looking back, what if I don't find someone like uh as great as that guy?
00:14:35.759 --> 00:14:38.159
Uh will will I have regrets?
00:14:38.320 --> 00:14:39.679
You know, something like that.
00:14:40.000 --> 00:15:08.240
So yeah, I think this is food for thought that we sometimes need to find a balance between our aspirations or what we think we want or what is we think is best for us in society's eyes, or even our parents' eyes, versus um uh something that might be a little bit out of the ordinary or out of our conventional track.
00:15:08.480 --> 00:15:11.120
Uh that sometimes may work out.
00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:29.600
Yeah, some sometimes like it's a balance between something that's very, you know, fantastical, like something that's like completely uh like impossible, versus something that's very standardized, very routine, uh very on track, right?
00:15:29.679 --> 00:15:38.399
So sometimes, you know, you you just have to I guess like find the middle ground, like try to evaluate um what what you want.
00:15:38.480 --> 00:15:46.799
And if you're okay with it, and if the the community you live in is okay with it, you know, there's so much to think about, so much to balance, right?
00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:52.159
And that makes um you know finding a partner more complicated than it is.
00:15:52.399 --> 00:16:00.080
Yeah, it's it's it's not all just uh about love or about connection or chemistry.
00:16:00.240 --> 00:16:12.240
Like there's so many things we need to think about in terms of you know background and like societal expectations, your own values, your own expectations, your family, everything, right?
00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:21.360
So these these are some of the things that might be sometimes hindering us or holding us down uh in our partner choice journey.
00:16:21.600 --> 00:16:30.080
Yeah, so um I I read the book by John Berger at Datanomics and also another book, uh Make Your Move.
00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:44.000
So I think these give very realistic advice to uh single, highly educated professional women out there who sometimes have trouble uh finding a partner, finding eligible men.
00:16:44.159 --> 00:17:11.519
Because first of all, Berger argues like very cogently that uh, you know, you using extensive statistical research, you know, he's found that like in some of the major states, like half of the American states, like uh the major state states, especially New York City, like it's especially hard for single professional women to find single professional men.
00:17:11.759 --> 00:17:20.079
Because first of all, like the university educated women outnumber uh university educated men, first of all, right?
00:17:20.240 --> 00:17:27.119
So uh besides the US and also in like the majority of countries in the world, actually.
00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:41.200
So you could find, you know, looking around you, why is it that like um there are more single women that you know than single men that you know in probably the same age category?
00:17:41.440 --> 00:17:56.319
Yeah, so we're not talking about like huge age difference, but like within the same cohort, uh you would find that like there's there's seemingly there's seemingly not enough like eligible guys to go around for your single girlfriends.
00:17:56.480 --> 00:18:08.319
And you know, regrettably, that is why I can never find matches for my single girl and guy friends, because there's never enough guys for for the girls to go around.
00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:24.640
Yeah, like so like everywhere I look, you know, uh in any like capacity that I'm in, it's always like full of single, fabulous women, but there's there's not guys that are um take that are free.
00:18:24.880 --> 00:18:28.960
Yeah, there may be single, fabulous guys, but they're they're not free, you know?
00:18:29.039 --> 00:18:30.559
Like they're they've been taken.
00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:33.119
So that's why the competition is keen.
00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:47.039
And you would find that like the the single eligible men who are taken, uh, you know, they they would have uh the girls that that that took them would have taken some initiative, probably more than you.
00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:59.759
Okay, so that is why, like, um the more initiative you take, again, the you know, I I talked about this in my uh like another episode, which uh I'll I would probably talk about again, you know.
00:18:59.839 --> 00:19:06.160
I cannot emphasize enough that you know probably being very passive and waiting for Prince Charming or Mr.
00:19:06.319 --> 00:19:06.880
R Mr.
00:19:07.119 --> 00:19:10.000
Wright is not going to land you Mr.
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:18.240
Wright because the competition is so keen that a lot of women they will go out there and fight for their own happiness.
00:19:18.640 --> 00:19:24.000
Yeah, so you you you would even see, you know, in Sex in the City, which is based in New York, right?
00:19:24.160 --> 00:19:37.200
So how how difficult it is for uh so many single fabulous women out there uh to find just you know to to to just get like uh an eligible man, right?
00:19:37.599 --> 00:19:44.880
And the ones like um even even Carrie uh is quite proactive, you know, in meeting guys.
00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:45.839
You know, Mr.
00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:52.640
Big wouldn't have been caught by her, right, if she didn't take some form of initiative.
00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:53.359
Right.
00:19:53.599 --> 00:19:57.519
So um as I said, you know, should should you make more of a move?
00:19:57.680 --> 00:20:06.319
Yes, like the more accomplished you are, the more you should try to, you know, open more of a door for the guy to walk in, like to create opportunities.
00:20:06.559 --> 00:20:29.519
Yeah, okay, so like speaking of uh Burger's book again, um Datanomics, like he gives like very uh I think very practical advice that if um first of all, like if you're a woman living in New York City, somewhere where it's nearly impossible to get like a decent single guy, uh then you should consider moving.
00:20:29.759 --> 00:20:40.799
Yeah, so like what you would do for your education, you know, going to another another country or state to pursue like uh the college of your dreams, right?
00:20:41.039 --> 00:20:44.319
Or going to a place to pursue the career of your dreams.
00:20:44.480 --> 00:20:53.279
So why can't you move across the country uh to another state uh to pursue the relationship of your dreams?
00:20:53.519 --> 00:21:23.440
So he had suggested that uh the West Coast in like Silicon Valley, California, is the best because there are a lot of those um hot male at single engineers waiting for you to uh to get because um he said that the the in the west coast uh as opposed to New York City, whereas you're stuck in New York where like the guys, the single guys are spoiled for choice, right?
00:21:23.599 --> 00:21:35.279
Because like the women surrounding them, there are just too many single fabulous women that they cannot, you know, uh put their hand down on who they want to be like uh their girlfriend.
00:21:35.519 --> 00:21:40.319
So they just have they just end up shopping around all the time and never settling, right?
00:21:40.559 --> 00:21:41.839
Never settling down.
00:21:42.079 --> 00:21:49.039
And so, you know, the the the opposite is for the guys um in the Silicon Valley.
00:21:49.200 --> 00:21:59.759
Like they're probably too busy building their uh tech empires, uh too busy doing research, too busy uh doing all sorts of nerdy stuff, you know, in a good way, right?
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:00.319
Right?
00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:08.079
And you know m uh and you know, before you know it, they they've made themselves like uh tech billionaires or something.
00:22:08.480 --> 00:22:14.240
And so they they probably like don't have the time or the skill sets for courting women.
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:19.279
Yeah, so they they're like the opposite of those like uh I don't know, finance guys in New York.
00:22:19.440 --> 00:22:25.920
So as Berger says, like these tech guys, they're waiting for you to get a hand on them, right?
00:22:26.079 --> 00:22:28.720
To like uh they're waiting to find girlfriends.
00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:37.039
So if you ever have trouble, you know, finding someone in this particular place, then you should probably consider looking at the numbers.
00:22:37.200 --> 00:22:43.279
Yeah, so this is something that I have also told like um my friends who lives in the US.
00:22:43.359 --> 00:22:53.359
Like she she lives lives in a place, like a small town, which she says there are no guys, there are no single available guys her age, and they're all married.
00:22:53.599 --> 00:22:55.119
If they are, they're married.
00:22:55.279 --> 00:22:55.599
Okay.
00:22:55.759 --> 00:22:59.599
So I was like, so what are you what are you still doing there, girl?
00:22:59.839 --> 00:23:00.160
Right?
00:23:00.319 --> 00:23:05.039
So so you can you know, these are the guys that you see day in, day out.
00:23:05.119 --> 00:23:07.920
There's no new blood coming in, right?
00:23:08.160 --> 00:23:10.480
So what are you still doing there stuck?
00:23:10.640 --> 00:23:12.079
Uh if you want to find a partner.
00:23:12.240 --> 00:23:16.960
So get get your, you know, get your butt up and go move somewhere, right?
00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:21.759
Uh move somewhere where there are more opportunities to meet eligible guys.
00:23:22.000 --> 00:23:25.039
So yeah, uh, and she's definitely considering that.
00:23:25.200 --> 00:23:27.759
Because, you know, hey, you're mobile, right?
00:23:27.920 --> 00:23:31.119
Low, you're you're not stuck somewhere you don't want to be.
00:23:31.359 --> 00:23:37.039
And, you know, like if if finding a partner is what you want, then you have to go and get it.
00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:52.799
Yeah, and Berger talks about the fact that like the more open-minded you are um in yeah, finding a match that is not of your regular convention, like the more opportunity you have to find a partner.
00:23:53.119 --> 00:24:09.119
Yeah, so if you look beyond what you think is your standard, like someone with the same background as you, uh educationally, professionally, then you know, it doesn't mean that this person is not uh high achieving in their own capacity, right?
00:24:09.279 --> 00:24:27.839
So if you're looking okay, so you're uh a highly accomplished single woman and you're looking for uh uh an accomplished guy, obviously, who who's not too far behind you in terms of accomplishments, because first of all, they'll get resentful of you if you're like too, too much um more accomplished than them, right?
00:24:28.160 --> 00:24:30.960
And intimidated, resentful, whatnot.
00:24:31.119 --> 00:24:38.880
So, first of all, you're not gonna find one who is not accomplished, but they can be accomplished too in their own capacity, right?
00:24:39.279 --> 00:24:52.480
So, like for my friend who she said, well, like uh who's uh my friend from Cambridge who said she may have forgone an opportunity uh with a guy who doesn't use the computer very much.
00:24:52.640 --> 00:25:03.200
But hey, maybe he's very accomplished in his um his building bic business and his uh his carpentry and his fixing stuff like uh as a technician.
00:25:03.519 --> 00:25:12.799
Like he, you know, someday, you don't know, he might be uh starting his own company or uh he might make it big some some somehow in his own capacity.
00:25:12.880 --> 00:25:19.119
It it may not be like in terms of like intellectually or in terms of academically, right?
00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:24.640
So the the fact that you're a professor, it doesn't mean that you know he should be a professor.
00:25:24.880 --> 00:25:33.759
So like uh a very good example was my my friend who is a PhD, is a professor, a scientist, who found someone who's not.
00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:39.039
Yeah, and like it doesn't mean that her husband is not accomplished in his own in his own realm.
00:25:39.279 --> 00:25:43.279
So yeah, uh I'll let uh her tell you what he does.
00:25:43.359 --> 00:25:48.079
But yeah, he's definitely accomplished, as accomplished as her, but in a different way.
00:25:48.319 --> 00:26:17.920
So because there are more university educated women than men across most of the countries in the world, then the solution would be that you would probably like be being a single educated uh professional woman, you would look beyond these very standardized uh um socioeconomic criteria and maybe try to like accept someone who's not exactly in your realm, but accomplished in their own.
00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:34.720
Yeah, so Berger uh in Datonomics, he also mentions how because there are not enough white-collar men to go around for white-collar professional women, then like the women could also look beyond uh this category.
00:26:34.880 --> 00:26:36.160
You might be surprised.
00:26:36.319 --> 00:26:42.480
You know, he he's had friends who have dated outside their normative uh candidates.
00:26:42.640 --> 00:26:50.960
So, you know, like labels like white-collar, blue collar nowadays it's just not that significant or important anymore.
00:26:51.039 --> 00:26:59.279
Like, especially now that the line is blurred between white collar, blue-collar, traditional or modern industries, right?
00:26:59.599 --> 00:27:10.960
So, yeah, the here here's a here's a time that uh you can re-evaluate and rethink your prospects and your criteria for a partner.
00:27:11.200 --> 00:27:17.759
Yeah, and sometimes your perfect match may really not be someone who's exactly like you.
00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:31.039
Um you know, I I have a friend who said like he he doesn't he's a doctor, and he said he doesn't want, you know, uh like a girlfriend or wife who works in that same profession as him.
00:27:31.200 --> 00:27:34.559
Because he said that it doesn't bring a thing anything new to the table.
00:27:34.720 --> 00:27:46.079
Yeah, so he's he he specifically looked for someone who's not within that profession, you know, whether it's doctor or nurse or medical uh services or any anyone related to medicine.
00:27:46.160 --> 00:27:49.440
He said he he's had enough of that for his work, right?
00:27:49.519 --> 00:27:53.759
So he specifically wanted to look for a girl who's outside that industry.
00:27:54.000 --> 00:27:56.640
Right, so and I mean same for us girls.
00:27:56.799 --> 00:28:02.400
Um like my like my friend who's a scientist, a PhD and MBA has everything, right?
00:28:02.559 --> 00:28:06.559
Every um quite uh every qualification you can think of, right?
00:28:06.720 --> 00:28:10.160
And she's like, Well, I don't want to find someone who's like me.
00:28:10.319 --> 00:28:14.160
She said, you know, I've done uh enough studying, I've done enough research.
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:18.000
I just want to sort of like find someone who brings something new to the table.
00:28:18.240 --> 00:28:21.519
Yeah, so we can all learn something from these people.
00:28:21.680 --> 00:28:26.400
Uh oh yeah, and I can tell you too, my husband also does not work in academia.
00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:32.079
He's not a professor, and he doesn't do any research, uh, and he hasn't written a book, right?
00:28:32.240 --> 00:28:37.519
So same as for me, you know, like I I totally understand my friend.
00:28:37.599 --> 00:28:50.400
Like, for me as well, I I never actually found any affinity uh romantically with any of my like uh my workmates or or any like of the guys I worked with.
00:28:50.480 --> 00:29:01.599
Yeah, but it was like I think we just like talk like uh I don't know, um business is business, and then you you just don't have any pleasure within that, you know, for for myself, right?
00:29:01.759 --> 00:29:13.759
So so for for for me as well, like I I wanted to find someone who could bring something new to the table, I can learn something new from, and I didn't have to talk about work or I didn't have to talk about what I do.
00:29:13.839 --> 00:29:16.000
So it is a breath of fresh air.
00:29:16.160 --> 00:29:25.839
So I think similarly, like um for like single, uh fabulous women out there, you know, you you you should look beyond your terrain.
00:29:25.920 --> 00:29:41.759
Uh try to uh keep an eye out for guys who are not doing what you do or not really like having the same achievements because um you know it it's worth it's worth looking uh at their achievements too, you know.
00:29:41.839 --> 00:29:45.279
Like they could be high achieving in their own capacity.
00:29:45.680 --> 00:30:01.519
Yeah, so sometimes I even know some women who their their husbands are like really quite different in terms of socioeconomic background uh or achievements, but like they're really good on another level.
00:30:01.680 --> 00:30:07.039
Like they probably don't like you you can't measure it by money uh solely, okay?
00:30:07.200 --> 00:30:14.720
So they may not earn as much money as you, but they probably bring something uh really valuable to the table.
00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:20.240
Uh maybe like they have a skill set that you really need, like you really need to learn.
00:30:20.319 --> 00:30:27.279
You're you're really clueless about like say computers or something, and uh they're really good at technology.
00:30:27.440 --> 00:30:30.720
Yeah, you you really need a guy like that, you know, in your life.
00:30:30.880 --> 00:30:38.960
I think like you would be lost if you uh, you know, you can't keep calling your company's computer guy when you need help, right?
00:30:39.039 --> 00:30:39.920
Like on a Sunday.
00:30:40.160 --> 00:30:41.359
There's no one, right?
00:30:41.440 --> 00:30:50.480
So like there's something that they can they can sometimes bring into your life, they can enrich your life in ways that you you didn't know you need.
00:30:50.640 --> 00:30:56.720
Yeah, and I have a friend who uh does not know how to cook for her life, uh, but really loves to eat.
00:30:56.880 --> 00:31:03.039
Okay, so the only form of food that she can ever get are takeaways because she has she never has time to cook.
00:31:03.119 --> 00:31:13.599
She's very high-powered, never has time to cook anything for herself, never had the time to learn uh or buy any any groceries ever, so that she just eats like a out a lot, right?
00:31:13.680 --> 00:31:18.160
So like she met this guy, like her her husband, who's like a terrific cook.
00:31:18.319 --> 00:31:25.759
Yeah, and I I think like he he could definitely like think of opening up a restaurant or becoming a c a cook one day professionally.
00:31:26.079 --> 00:31:30.160
And like uh like so it like and it changed her life.
00:31:30.400 --> 00:31:30.720
Yeah.
00:31:30.880 --> 00:31:36.799
So you know, they have friends over and he gets to show off his cooking skills and everything.
00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:39.839
So yeah, like uh it's it's really funny sometimes.
00:31:39.920 --> 00:31:45.359
Like uh they work in completely different realms, but it works out sometimes.
00:31:45.599 --> 00:31:55.119
So I think what you need to do is like stop looking only at uh you know similar socioeconomic background and look beyond that.
00:31:55.359 --> 00:32:09.119
Because as Berger says, given that the reality is that there really aren't like the s like exact same number of uh of the sexes to go around for each other, okay?
00:32:09.279 --> 00:32:16.559
So the the figures completely skewed on the side of of women, like being much more than men.
00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:29.119
Okay, so there aren't like first of all, if there aren't enough of these eligible, you know, s traditionally considered eligible men to go around for women, then it's time to look beyond the standard.
00:32:29.279 --> 00:32:34.559
Look beyond, you know, what what what people mean by conventionally successful.
00:32:34.799 --> 00:32:43.039
And you know, maybe there's a guy out there who who doesn't fit your normal standards, but is as great too in their area.
00:32:43.279 --> 00:32:50.240
Yeah, so uh if if you've overlooked these guys in the past, like you should start looking for them now.
00:32:50.559 --> 00:33:02.880
Because uh, well, first of all, it's to I guess to narrow the gap of uh the different numbers, and also it can definitely bring you more opportunities.
00:33:03.119 --> 00:33:09.279
So yeah, if if definitely you're not finding something within your own area, you should look beyond.
00:33:09.440 --> 00:33:11.359
Uh and be surprised.
00:33:11.440 --> 00:33:14.880
Yeah, you you would be surprised as to what you will find.
00:33:15.039 --> 00:33:16.559
Like, I assure you.
00:33:16.880 --> 00:33:19.440
Okay, so thank you so much for being here.
00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:23.519
And remember to subscribe to Love and Life Sorted so you don't miss an episode.
00:33:23.759 --> 00:33:33.359
And uh, if you want to continue our conversation, you can subscribe to my free newsletter where we can discuss more about these topics uh in a more detailed manner.
00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:37.359
And also check out our IG page for more fun stuff.
00:33:37.519 --> 00:33:40.319
And I'll see you again next week on Love and Life Sorted.
00:33:40.559 --> 00:33:41.440
Okay, bye!
