Conversations on Self-Worth, Addiction, and Communication

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This is LadyBinone with Carlos and Olivier.
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If you've listened to the other episodes, you kind of have an idea of what we're talking about, but this one really hits home for me because, as I sit here and talk to Olivier, it's one of those things that, for men and women too but I'm speaking for myself is that we fall into, I would say, a hole in our within ourselves and we start questioning why do I feel this way?
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I have friends that are dealing with their alcohol issues.
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I've seen people with drug addiction, food addiction, poor addiction, all kinds of different addiction.
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I see what they're going through the struggles, but they know why they're going through the struggles.
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I'm feeling somewhat in those areas too, but I don't have a drinking problem, I don't have a drug problem.
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I mean, I really don't.
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But why am I feeling this way as much as we talk here and now?
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Ladybinone, I told Olivier today that, dude, my battle is me.
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I'm battling with so much stuff with myself and that is my battle, like the battle that other people are doing.
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Have you ever considered that they're going through the same thing and the addiction is the way it shows.
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Yes.
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It's the cause and effect of our pain is often misunderstood.
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We think that the effect is actually the reason why we feel that way.
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For example oh, I feel terrible because I have a drug addiction.
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Not the drug addiction is the effect of an underlying issue that makes me use drugs to get away or to shove shit under the rug.
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Oh my God, dude.
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So I have a friend who lived in San Diego and his brother was going through a huge drug addiction.
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But you know what's funny, when I met his brother Super tired, always sleeping, tired, tired, bro, I'm tired too and I'm sleepy, but I'm thinking like dude, I'm taking my vitamins, I do this, this and that.
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Why am I so tired?
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And it's just like I have an addiction of battling against myself.
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You do.
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But it's really hard though, because here, who do I call?
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I don't have a sponsor, there's no meetings for any of this, so how can I let it be known?
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I'm telling you, you know.
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I'm telling you, this is where modern society is really failing us, because that would naturally be the job of education.
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The educational system should prepare us for this point in our lives, because you're not unique in what you're going through.
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I went through that.
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As a matter of fact, from time to time I still do.
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I work with hundreds of people who are all telling me the very same thing.
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It is not, it's not genetics, it is just the way a human being growing up in a place that is full of tension and anxiety that acts against one's nature, has to start waking up to him or herself.
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It's natural.
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What you're going through is a natural reaction of you telling yourself I've had enough.
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But because there's no education or, as you say, there's no sponsor, there's no infrastructure, right, you feel left alone and now you have to face your own demons.
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But what happens when you face demons?
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You're overwhelmed.
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What do I do now?
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What is the trick here?
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And then, of course, you look for pills and you look for drugs and you look for booze and you look for destructive, toxic behavior, because you think, oh, that's what.
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If you have a headache, you take a painkiller.
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Don't go and look why you have a headache.
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We don't want to see what's behind it Right, so true, so true.
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So many people don't get a headache of.
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They've had a headache for like months and months.
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They don't go to the doctor because they're afraid some of my find a brain tumor right yeah, it's the same with us.
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We realize something is off, but we don't dare to look behind the curtain because what if a fucking skeleton comes out away and we have to realize that we're totally fucked up?
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And everything, is, just nothing anymore.
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Yeah, don't want that.
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So you know we find ways to push it off with drugs, with booze, with any kind of addiction.
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Really, addiction keeps you in a loop of a loop of nonattention.
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Don't pay attention to the elephant in the room.
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Look this way.
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Look, don't look that way, right?
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Right.
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You know, and a lot of people who know me personally, I'm almost 100% after listening to our episodes.
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They're going to have a better understanding of me Because I don't turn and I'll be completely open on this and it's helped me.
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Being open is that I don't turn to drugs and I don't turn to drinking.
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I stay away.
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I say no to everybody Meaning this.
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Hey, carlos, you want to go for a hike?
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No, I come up with an excuse.
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In reality, yeah, I do want to go out, but no, I'm gonna stay home.
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To what happens when someone asks you to go on a hike.
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What happens inside of you?
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What triggers that reaction?
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That's obviously not a response.
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That's a reaction.
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It's a reaction, but the thing is is that I go back to looking at myself within and be like do you play the part of going on a hike?
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You know what I'm saying?
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You feel like that you don't deserve that, or that's not you.
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Well, here's the other thing and I'm just trying to throw whatever comes to.
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For me is that when I have myself image issues or anything like that, I feel that staying quiet and alone I guess it's a way to protect or be safe.
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So I stay away, you know, and I say no to a lot of people.
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Hey Carly, we're doing this.
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Hey Carly, you want to go over a drink and you ask anybody.
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It is super rare for me to be out.
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But let me ask you this when you do that, do you feel bad for making shit up and for not going and for not no, because I feel it was like a imagine of like someone who needs some comfort.
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I felt like that was a comfort, like shot of drug or something on me, just kind of like.
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Not, it's kind of like not worrying about it no more Because I don't know it, just it's.
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It's so hard to really understand.
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But now that more we're talking about it it really comes down to the self image.
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Not owning myself is that.
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This is how either I punish myself or I'm just saying away.
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So true.
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You know, we know people have food addiction.
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They're basically punishing themselves.
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Yes.
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But it's a matter of self worth too.
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Yeah.
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So self worth kind of triggers this self punishment response within the mind.
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Where it boils down again to it reiterates the fact that you think you're not enough.
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You know, you're not worthy of it.
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You know worthy of happiness.
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You know worthy of a balanced life.
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You know worthy of friends or things you know like.
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You know worthy of good connections, because you don't have a good connection with yourself, so you don't let it be known and you know what.
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That is the issue there.
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But as we were going through the series, in these episodes, it's gone better, it's gone better.
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But here's why, now that we open this floor and you opened and I and and invited me to let it be known it's now.
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I guess you can say it's now like some type of infrastructure that we can.
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I can actually let it be known, because before this, before before this, it would.
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I would just keep going every day, just like that and it will keep eating me up.
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You know what?
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Again, a great point.
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You keep making great points and I just want to just take your great points and just kind of try to make something visible that I see there, because what you say I call the infrastructure, and you took that on and I see now it's.
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It's what commonly we we call it in a slightly despicable way a safe space, but we and I'm talking again as a, as a male representative of the human race it means we man, we don't feel safe to let it be known.
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So when we feel unsafe and I would, I would almost suggest that going on a hike when you feel that way turns the hike in into an unsafe space.
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So you stay at home in a space that you consider safe enough.
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You stay in your toxic waters, right, going in circles.
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But that's that false sense of safety, right, because a safe space means nothing else.
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But you are allowing yourself in that space to just be yourself, you allowing yourself to bring your thoughts, your emotions.
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But somehow you feel that if you go on that hike and you're with these people, you can't do that.
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It's not a place that furthers the dialogue of let it be known, it's just painting over it with a hiking expedition, right, some hiking, nice hiking, right.
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Going to the movies and again, don't get me wrong, but going to the movies with your as a first date.
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It's kind of strange because you're not talking to each other, right, you're not looking at each other.
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It's a space of anonymity and seemingly safety, but it's also not a place where you can let it be known.
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You can't, you don't know someone after spending two hours shoulder to shoulder watching a horror movie.
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You just don't know each other.
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You didn't even have a great time, you didn't share the time.
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So for you to say what you crave right now, in your current state, is safe spaces where dialogue can happen, where you can let it be known.
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Going on a hike with certain people will not give you that.
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So in that respect, I think it's a very healthy response.
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You have to say I don't know what I need, but I know that I don't need that.
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You know what I mean.
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Because what would it do to you to now go on five hikes a day just hiking around with people talking about cars and women and food and the weather and whatnot?
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Because that's what you assume.
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You probably assume that you will not have a stage to be like as you walk.
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Listen, I want to let it be known.
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You know that people might be like what.
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Like I just asked you for a to come on a hike.
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I think like open up dude not going to call you anymore or right.
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Suddenly they don't call you anymore.
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Maybe it's also that you don't want to like put them off and then suddenly no one's calling anymore, because cars, kind of weird.
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It's kind of like he's gone dark, he's gone.
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He's gone kind of like somber.
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What's going on with that?
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But you know what, now that you're saying that, that's also maybe a reason why I say no to so many things, because it's not going to do anything to me If I don't let it be known it's not doing.
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It's like you said I have a headache, take a pill, okay, but why don't you find out why you're getting the headaches?
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And I think that's main reason why I'm going through a battle and going to a club, a bar, a hike or movie.
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It ain't going to do nothing for me.
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No, you're too wise, too advanced on your on your life's path, and I don't mean that in a judgmental way towards those who you know do things that are maybe not platforms for letting be known, letting their pain be known.
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I'm just saying you're now at this crossroads in your life where you want every decision to actually move you forward and you know that is that is your right.
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That's because you really feel like, okay, you're spending enough time, you know, just doing the other things, but now you would like every decision in your life to actually contribute to your happiness, to contribute to your expansion as a human being, but also as a man, and I think that is a very natural progression.
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Most people ignore most people.
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Most people ignore that there is a at some point there's a voice that calls you from within and says I'm not okay with many things that I do.
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There's a lot of clutter in my life.
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Somehow my life is going nowhere.
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Somehow I'm not evolving as a person I am.
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Somehow I don't know who I am.
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Somehow I don't know what I need.
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I don't know what I want.
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I don't know what to do next.
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I don't know how to decide for things that I really care about.
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I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why, what, how, who.
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I don't know.
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And that is the let it be known part of this.
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It's okay not to know, but then don't look the other way.
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Look at these questions, spend time with them, that's right.
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Spend time for yourself with them.
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But then comes the magic, and that's the point I'm trying to make here.
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The magic is you have to create space for that new thing.
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You have to now sit down and realize, oh, this piece of furniture and this person and that job and this partner and that friend and that vacation and that belief and that thought and that car out, no need not helping, just clutter this person.
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I used to have that.
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I used to have one of my best friends in Switzerland, and now again best friend because I've known him forever, because we traveled a lot together, because we spent a lot of time together, we did a lot of bullshit together, so that's what made qualified him as a best friend, even though the idea of a best friend is strange to me Right.
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But then I realized, when I turned about like 34, 35, I realized that once a month I would meet up with him to have a beer.
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Right Right Would always go to the same brewery.
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He would always complain about his job, he would always complain about his wife, he would always complain about some politic bullshit you know that was going on.
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And then he would ask me how I'm doing and I would then reply about my job, about my girlfriend at the time, about some part, some news article bullshit that I read.
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And then we would go home and, for whatever reason, I just stuck with doing that for years and years and years, every fucking month.
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And sometimes we would go on vacation for a week and then for an entire week we would do just that Complain about the job, complain about either spouse or girlfriend, about the weather, I don't know about things.
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And if it were up to him we would still be doing that.
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But I at some point fell into a fucking dark hole with all these questions who am I?
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What the fuck am I doing?
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Do I really want to continue living?
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Do I want to continue doing what I do?
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What should I do?
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Who needs to be in my life?
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What do I need to do?
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You know the big questions and I don't have an addictive personality, thank God.
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So drugs and booze is not an option for me, all right.
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Instead, I fall inward and I start eating myself up with my thoughts.
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You know, my thoughts go crazy.
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That's my addiction.
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But when I came out of it I realized I need to clean house.
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I need to make it very clear that I have invited some things in my life that are holding me back from moving forward.
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They're holding me back from asking these questions, from creating spaces where I can be safe and let it be known.
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And I never saw my friend again, never.
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I just cut the line of communication.
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Wow, I didn't even make up an excuse.
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I didn't pick up the phone anymore.
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I was invited to the baptism of his first child, didn't go, didn't even reply.
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I just decided and it hurt me because we had common history.
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But I realized that the first thing I can do as a truly loving person is to give him his space and to give myself my space, not to engage in strange conversations about like how there's no more space for him in my life.
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I didn't want all that bullshit.
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I just wanted it to be a clean cut and, yes, it hurt at first, but you know what?
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I gained three hours of valuable time every month for myself, not going to fucking brewery talking about bullshit.
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I also stopped worrying about how is he doing really behind his facade?
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When am I going to see him again?
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What does he think about me?
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That's when I realized the process of decluttering your life so you can face those big questions without falling into an addictive behavioral pattern is essential to becoming the person.
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You really are Right.
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I could not have done it if I still had people like him in my life because I would give him and all these other people all my attention.
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I would give them, I would paint over my real pain and I would constantly spend time on hikes at the movie theaters, at fancy restaurants, on whatever vacations, in four and five star hotels and with people at breweries talking about superficial things.
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Don't get me wrong.
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There is space for that.
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But you have to clearly decide when it's time for it.
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You cannot just let it be in your life for the sake of it.
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Right, you have to be conscious about it, makes sense, but when?
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you realize all these things and you cut them out you're suddenly left with yourself, you suddenly have to take a step back, you suddenly have to space to actually ask yourself these questions and work through them, because now you have room to actually unfold.
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And that and trust me on this, carlos that's when your heart shows and says okay, I think we're ready.
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Now we have the space to evolve, to progress.
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How about we re-engage in an old hobby?
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How about you start writing again?
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How about you make music again?
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How about you go into nature again and rediscover your love for nature that you had when you were little but then you gave it away for a corporate job?
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How about you know you meet new people and you allow to be vulnerable?
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How about you only meet now or you call again these people that you know you can let it be known with them, but for whatever reason, you cut them out of your life 12 years ago, when you were at the height of your career or when you were just out there crunching it, because they were too too, too feely, too spiritual.
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Reconnect with them.
00:20:15.329 --> 00:20:16.854
See what sticks Go in there.
00:20:16.875 --> 00:20:18.509
Throw your truth on the table.
00:20:18.509 --> 00:20:21.080
Dude, I'm going through some shit.
00:20:21.080 --> 00:20:22.249
How do you do that?
00:20:22.249 --> 00:20:23.124
How are you feeling?
00:20:23.124 --> 00:20:30.503
Start talking about feelings, start talking about emotions, but you can't do that if there's no space in your life.
00:20:30.924 --> 00:20:38.647
Right, you know it's crazy, because I'm thinking the times where I got away from people.
00:20:38.647 --> 00:20:39.309
But you know what?
00:20:39.309 --> 00:20:46.557
You were labeled as a bad friend, as a bad person, because he stopped talking to you, because he probably doesn't need anything from you.
00:20:46.557 --> 00:20:53.809
I guess there's some truth to that, and that truth is if you're not serving, like, what's like?
00:20:53.809 --> 00:20:56.777
Am I here?
00:20:56.777 --> 00:21:02.190
Is us hanging out together, serving me a purpose or giving me anything?
00:21:02.190 --> 00:21:04.097
If not, then what am I doing Exactly?
00:21:04.097 --> 00:21:07.959
But see, the society has it that, oh, you're a jerk, you're a dig.
00:21:07.959 --> 00:21:08.922
All you want is something.
00:21:10.910 --> 00:21:14.559
But I mean, this is kind of like what this podcast is about.
00:21:14.559 --> 00:21:26.875
If you want to let it be known that what you let be known comes from inside of you, it's not something that you take from the outside and then spit it back out, correct, it has to be your truth.
00:21:27.195 --> 00:21:27.376
Yeah.
00:21:27.590 --> 00:21:29.798
And your truth always has only to do with you.
00:21:29.798 --> 00:21:37.942
So a friendship right when a friendship is not about going and then finding compromise.
00:21:37.942 --> 00:21:41.800
A friendship is about being the rawest self you can be.
00:21:41.800 --> 00:21:50.959
Just let it completely be known and have someone respect you for it, love you for it and do the same courtesy to you.
00:21:50.959 --> 00:21:53.194
That's friendship.
00:21:53.194 --> 00:21:57.060
Everything else is just different degrees of acquaintance.
00:21:57.060 --> 00:22:00.210
You don't need acquaintances in your life.
00:22:00.210 --> 00:22:02.369
You don't need hundreds of acquaintances in your life.
00:22:02.369 --> 00:22:06.900
It's like having hundreds of frying pans in your kitchen.
00:22:06.900 --> 00:22:08.604
How many you need?
00:22:09.269 --> 00:22:18.601
Like in all honesty, I used to have hundreds, hundreds of acquaintances that I called somewhat colleagues and friends when I was in Switzerland working in advertising.
00:22:18.601 --> 00:22:23.801
Every night I was out drinking, partying whatever or doing some kind of like dining.
00:22:23.801 --> 00:22:41.789
But when I went home it was very, very, very, very lonely because those were just acquaintances and I was not allowed to speak my truth with them because, god forbid, you had a club and it's not even pulled your friend aside like, hey, dude, by the way, I feel completely broken.
00:22:41.789 --> 00:22:45.549
It's like, yeah, sure, here, have a drink.
00:22:47.442 --> 00:22:51.588
That'll make you feel better yeah it will make you feel better right then.
00:22:51.588 --> 00:22:53.436
And there you go home, you feel twice as bad.
00:22:53.436 --> 00:22:58.798
So it is very important that we become aware of the fact.
00:22:58.798 --> 00:23:07.959
We need one car, a place to sleep and two or three spaces where we can let it be known, and those are the sacred spaces.
00:23:07.959 --> 00:23:09.910
Sacred spaces.
00:23:09.910 --> 00:23:12.499
This podcast is a sacred space.
00:23:12.499 --> 00:23:20.789
Yes, we share it with the world because we hope that it can inspire other people to create sacred spaces for themselves, sacred and safe spaces.
00:23:21.089 --> 00:23:37.057
Yeah without it, everything just stays loud and noisy, and you know, and then people like you feel compelled to retract into the silence of their home and be left alone with their toxic thoughts.
00:23:37.238 --> 00:23:37.498
Yeah.
00:23:38.701 --> 00:23:46.208
This is why you know the pressure release valve is an important thing and I'm not talking about therapy.
00:23:46.208 --> 00:23:47.756
Again, I'm not talking about therapy.
00:23:47.756 --> 00:23:57.273
I'm not talking about, you know, licensed professionals, because we tend to not be honest, even if they have good methods, good approaches in.
00:23:57.273 --> 00:23:58.778
You know, kind of breaking you open.
00:23:58.778 --> 00:24:01.766
The mind still knows that it's being observed.
00:24:01.766 --> 00:24:07.222
You go to a therapist and the mind knows the mind's not stupid, mind knows that we're being scrutinized.
00:24:07.409 --> 00:24:15.396
Right now there's a person that makes a living with understanding us and then giving us something so that their price is justified.
00:24:15.396 --> 00:24:19.730
We should not require therapy in our lives.
00:24:19.730 --> 00:24:26.632
We should be able to offer therapy to ourselves by saying oh my god, I need space right now.
00:24:26.632 --> 00:24:30.605
How about I make decisions that create space?
00:24:30.605 --> 00:24:31.007
Right now?
00:24:31.007 --> 00:24:33.035
I sell the second car I don't need.
00:24:33.035 --> 00:24:36.848
You just created space because now you created financial room.
00:24:36.848 --> 00:24:46.080
Yep, so you don't have to maybe work as much, or you don't have to borrow money, or you don't have to pay something off.
00:24:46.080 --> 00:24:47.586
You can get out of debt.
00:24:47.586 --> 00:24:48.470
That's space.
00:24:48.470 --> 00:24:50.857
It's the same as a friend I know.
00:24:50.857 --> 00:24:52.865
It's our tools.
00:24:52.865 --> 00:24:54.810
Yeah, absolutely right.
00:24:54.810 --> 00:25:07.329
If you're in debt, if you owe people money, you don't have the room to face your inner questions because there's constantly a gun pointed at you, constantly.
00:25:07.329 --> 00:25:09.416
You go to bed, the gun is pointed at you.
00:25:09.416 --> 00:25:13.847
You wake up the gun still pointing at you so true freedom.
00:25:14.416 --> 00:25:16.343
Freedom is what we all want.
00:25:16.343 --> 00:25:18.810
This here creates freedom for you and for me.
00:25:18.810 --> 00:25:23.409
We should all allow ourselves tap into that freedom.
00:25:23.409 --> 00:25:24.472
A drug is not.
00:25:24.492 --> 00:25:56.208
There's not freedom you know, and it's crazy, though, because people say they start making more money, and you know what they say oh, this is why making more money for freedom, when reality, if you don't create the space for the freedom, doesn't matter how much money you make, yeah, you ain't gonna have no freedom oh, absolutely, there are people making, making you know like 30 grand a year yeah but because they're so in tune with creating space with that money, which means they adapt their lifestyles and their behavior and have habits to fit the space they need.
00:25:56.648 --> 00:25:59.522
They realize actually don't need more than that, right.
00:25:59.522 --> 00:26:07.298
But then there are people make 300 grand a year and because they allow for all this clutter, oh yeah be part of their lives.
00:26:07.298 --> 00:26:14.351
At the end of the year they don't have more, except they have more clutter, but they don't feel free because of that.
00:26:14.351 --> 00:26:16.038
They actually feel more restricted.
00:26:17.040 --> 00:26:49.249
Now, of course, there's the other person makes 150 but live the same way as the guy who's, you know, makes 30, but that guy has a lot of freedom because, now he has maybe a hundred grand on top of that, or 90 or 80 that he can invest into creating spaces of freedom for himself, which is like going to a cabin by himself, yeah, or inviting that real friends for a treat for dinner, or you know, yeah, no joy, paying for certain kind of joy.
00:26:49.348 --> 00:26:53.440
You know that is like a gratitude gift to himself.
00:26:53.440 --> 00:26:56.386
There's a lot of importance to that.
00:26:56.386 --> 00:27:13.567
So, but as we said at the beginning, there's no infrastructure teaching us that we have financial infrastructure, but it only teaches us how to make more money, how to invest better, but not invest in our happiness, only invest in our portfolio.
00:27:13.567 --> 00:27:16.365
Crazy right, that is not.
00:27:16.365 --> 00:27:17.228
That's not real.
00:27:17.228 --> 00:27:18.532
A portfolio is not real.
00:27:18.653 --> 00:27:24.311
That's not tangible emotional value but you hear so much out there, man all the time.
00:27:24.713 --> 00:28:07.463
It's all people care about and again, great topic for for another one but the way we use these tools, the tools that are at our disposal health, wealth, family, friends, space, time those are tools, right all right and for someone in your situation, which is really the situation of hundreds of millions of people, it's important that you grasp these tools to move forward, because if you let those tools dictate you, let's say you said you had said yes to the hike with your friend right let's assume you said yes.
00:28:07.644 --> 00:28:15.317
Let's let's assume this weekend two people want to hang out and do something like that and then you say yes, twice, okay.
00:28:15.317 --> 00:28:16.582
So what you did?
00:28:16.582 --> 00:28:21.898
Because you know that those are not circumstances where you can let it be known.
00:28:21.898 --> 00:28:28.176
You gave away the tool of time, right, six hours of time, okay.
00:28:28.176 --> 00:28:43.185
You gave away the tool of freedom of thoughts because as you are walking with someone or as you're talking to someone, your mind is occupied, your attention is focused on I'm walking.
00:28:43.185 --> 00:28:46.097
There's someone asking me about you know, are you Republican?
00:28:46.097 --> 00:28:54.296
You have Republican views or you have liberal, democratic views, whatever right so you're occupied, right, you took that space away.
00:28:54.917 --> 00:29:02.323
Then, on top of that, you have also all the aspects of, you know, financial inhibition people going like, let's go to Disneyland.
00:29:02.323 --> 00:29:09.843
Right, yeah, some people can hardly afford going to Disneyland, but they will go because, like, ah, come on, leave will be good for us, whatever.
00:29:09.843 --> 00:29:11.268
So there's time is gone.
00:29:11.268 --> 00:29:22.873
The mental capacity is, you know, gone for that time Plus, I spent $300 for the day that they could have invested into something.
00:29:22.873 --> 00:29:25.167
You know they would re-serve the questions that they have.
00:29:25.167 --> 00:29:41.070
Yeah, and I'm just using maybe this, this example is not powerful or great, but I'm just using it to explain how easy it is for us to fall into something we might not deem an addiction, but it actually is Right.
00:29:41.070 --> 00:29:50.605
Every time someone says, like, the phone rings and they say, yes, let's go for drink, let's go for a walk, let's go for this, that's addiction to distraction.
00:29:51.628 --> 00:29:52.109
Mm-hmm Right.
00:29:52.210 --> 00:30:04.771
Yeah, and then also when we say no, but we then remain in our toxic space because we beat the living shit out of ourselves with our circling thoughts.
00:30:04.771 --> 00:30:07.586
That also becomes an addiction.
00:30:07.586 --> 00:30:09.925
That also becomes an addiction.
00:30:09.925 --> 00:30:19.451
We now become addicted to our own toxicity because which is something in us likes to punish ourselves for not being enough.
00:30:19.451 --> 00:30:22.568
You're like dude, you're such an asshole you know what we say that.
00:30:23.200 --> 00:30:26.448
I sometimes I drop something in the kitchen or I'm like I'm clumsy.
00:30:26.448 --> 00:30:29.663
I'm a clumsy guy, right, I drop shit.
00:30:29.663 --> 00:30:32.604
I'm working on my deck, I dropped the tool.
00:30:32.604 --> 00:30:37.684
Now I have to get out the house go down, get it, I just lost five minutes.
00:30:37.684 --> 00:30:42.270
I can actually watch myself call myself names.
00:30:42.270 --> 00:30:46.770
You know I judge myself idiot, asshole.
00:30:46.770 --> 00:30:53.813
That's what you get and it just happens because we're so quick to punish ourselves.
00:30:54.493 --> 00:30:56.980
Yeah, man, the battle, it's the battle, yeah it's a battle.
00:30:57.823 --> 00:31:02.019
I mean maybe, maybe phrase it not as battle.
00:31:02.019 --> 00:31:05.855
It's more like it's it's the time of facing demons.
00:31:05.855 --> 00:31:06.759
You know your own demons.
00:31:06.759 --> 00:31:11.019
It's, it's a time of confrontation, okay, confrontation, right.
00:31:11.019 --> 00:31:11.840
I don't like, I don't like.
00:31:11.840 --> 00:31:17.122
I like words with like heavy connotations when it comes to self work, because it makes it.
00:31:17.122 --> 00:31:18.968
It turns everything into war.
00:31:19.329 --> 00:31:19.450
Yeah.
00:31:19.519 --> 00:31:22.429
You shouldn't be at war with yourself, right.
00:31:22.449 --> 00:31:22.650
Right.
00:31:23.680 --> 00:31:31.394
But to say like nah, I'm in a phase of self confrontation and I will prevail, but this is tough.
00:31:31.394 --> 00:31:34.428
I think that that is a very legit thing to say.
00:31:34.428 --> 00:31:38.126
That is a it's human nature.
00:31:39.951 --> 00:31:59.851
Yeah, but again and people are listening out there, they need I would hold anyone who is listening or share it, because most people don't think there's a space to let it be known or to say that you're in confrontation with yourself.
00:31:59.851 --> 00:32:04.269
It's not a common thing to say out loud no, which makes it weird.
00:32:04.790 --> 00:32:05.051
Right.
00:32:05.051 --> 00:32:07.707
But maybe, maybe you can elaborate on that.
00:32:07.707 --> 00:32:19.515
No, when you say you're in, this is your battle as a man, to be in battle, it's kind of like the image of the man that we grew up with.
00:32:19.515 --> 00:32:23.888
Well, life is a struggle, it's a fight, it's competition.
00:32:23.888 --> 00:32:26.308
You have to stay at top of your class.
00:32:26.308 --> 00:32:28.449
So there's always battle Right.
00:32:28.449 --> 00:32:39.372
So at some point in your life, carlos, the battle shifted from battle with people, marketplaces, workplace colleagues, whatever.
00:32:39.372 --> 00:32:45.792
It shifted from this outside battle to this inside battle, right.
00:32:45.792 --> 00:32:48.960
Yep, when did that happen and how did that happen?
00:32:49.642 --> 00:33:06.153
23 years old, start making more money Start making more money and I was recently had left a previous relationship that was very important and it was a long relationship, to say, and I had to.
00:33:06.153 --> 00:33:08.471
You know the whole hey, just there's so many people out there, just stay busy, stay busy.
00:33:08.471 --> 00:33:21.339
So the more busy I got was working, making more money, and I was surrounding myself with people where I felt like I had to play this part and at that age, because I'm young and I'm seeing all making money it was.
00:33:21.339 --> 00:33:28.079
It wasn't like work, but as older as I get, man, it's just like I can't do this anymore.
00:33:30.788 --> 00:33:34.239
And I guess my word with the battle was the hardest part was who.
00:33:34.239 --> 00:33:34.901
It's like you said I couldn't.
00:33:34.901 --> 00:33:36.570
When I was going out to these clubs.
00:33:36.570 --> 00:33:42.599
I mean I was living in San Diego, I was in Point Loma, I was in Corn, I was in all over the place downtown San Diego, like everywhere.
00:33:42.599 --> 00:33:48.517
You can't go in there and be like, hey, you know loud music, beers, you know we're drinking bass or Guinness, whatever.
00:33:48.517 --> 00:33:54.753
At the time and it was just like, hey, I feel broken inside, like they're not going to.
00:33:54.753 --> 00:33:55.500
I mean you can't say that.
00:33:55.500 --> 00:33:57.998
And I feel like that was part of my battle.
00:33:58.882 --> 00:34:01.571
Like I want to say something but I can't because it just sounds weird.
00:34:01.571 --> 00:34:09.445
Like how do you go to tell someone like you tell someone like hey, man, like I've been really like arguing with myself.
00:34:09.445 --> 00:34:11.739
They will probably be like, hey, you need to seek some help.
00:34:11.739 --> 00:34:17.036
I mean, you know, it's like something like you just, it was unheard of it was in common.
00:34:17.036 --> 00:34:21.664
It was just put it in my pocket and I'll just hopefully it goes away, isn't it?
00:34:21.664 --> 00:34:22.869
Is it heartbreaking, yeah?
00:34:25.179 --> 00:34:27.230
Because we all do it, and we do it for a long time.
00:34:27.230 --> 00:34:29.782
And.
00:34:29.782 --> 00:34:32.639
I've seen one of my one of my cousins said that he didn't feel good.
00:34:33.322 --> 00:34:36.572
He felt like you know, you just something was wrong with him and I just he feels hurt for something.
00:34:36.572 --> 00:34:39.619
They put him on 5150 like watch.
00:34:39.619 --> 00:34:46.632
So it's kind of like you, you actually tried to say something and people take it out of context or maybe don't really you know right away.
00:34:46.632 --> 00:34:47.394
Oh, don't hurt yourself.
00:34:47.394 --> 00:34:51.105
This and that, and I get it.
00:34:51.105 --> 00:34:52.327
There's something bad stuff out there.
00:34:52.327 --> 00:34:56.429
But like that's why that was my biggest thing, like I couldn't talk to anyone.
00:34:57.737 --> 00:35:03.251
Yeah, I mean, I guilty the same thing.
00:35:03.251 --> 00:35:07.693
It's it's high performance environments tend to accelerate that.
00:35:07.693 --> 00:35:30.822
Because you're so exposed to this, this culture of not letting it be known, right, the more you're surrounded by people who only believe in the high performance values, the less room there is to actually let it be known how you feel and what it looks like on your inside.
00:35:30.822 --> 00:35:40.251
I remember I had a colleague also during, like, my high times in my corporate business life.
00:35:40.251 --> 00:36:03.150
We spent so much time together closing deals Um, you know, I don't like to use the term, but it was what we did with f**ked clients over into, like we cross and upsold, uh, on advertising campaigns, which is, you know, it's always hundreds of thousands of dollars each time you do that.
00:36:04.239 --> 00:36:30.788
And we went out and we celebrated and I worked with this guy for four years and it took four years for me to go to his place and realize he lived in a dingy basement one bedroom it wasn't even a one, but it was a studio and he had a bad heroin addiction and I kind of lost track of him.
00:36:30.788 --> 00:36:35.050
The last thing I heard is that he just vanished from the earth.
00:36:35.050 --> 00:36:41.271
Wow, this guy made on average, you know, four to 500,000 Swiss francs a year.
00:36:41.271 --> 00:36:48.275
Um, and everybody you know called him one of the the wise guys you know.
00:36:48.275 --> 00:37:10.050
And that peak behind the curtain made me realize, wow, the more the voice of common manly success is present in you, in your life, the less the voice of inner, inner reality, who you are, how you feel, the less that one is present.
00:37:10.050 --> 00:37:15.592
So the more the noise is, the louder the noise, the more quiet your voice.
00:37:16.501 --> 00:37:17.666
Oh, again a rhyme.
00:37:17.666 --> 00:37:28.012
Again A lot of noise, quieter the voice, um, and that I mean that is, that is a call to call to arms.
00:37:28.012 --> 00:37:31.628
That was a call to arms for me because I didn't want to end up like that.
00:37:31.628 --> 00:37:38.452
But at the same time, being in your mid to late twenties, how'd you say no to the money?
00:37:38.452 --> 00:37:46.766
How'd you say no to reaching all that fame and all the things that your parents taught you were the most essential things in your life?
00:37:46.766 --> 00:37:48.541
Right it's?
00:37:48.541 --> 00:37:55.873
It's hard to switch from living an exterior life where you just go buy the book and do everything.
00:37:55.954 --> 00:37:58.123
Right, Well, I mean, at least for me.
00:37:58.123 --> 00:38:03.592
I mean I'm 23, I'm 40, and I'm barely letting it be known now.
00:38:04.481 --> 00:38:05.646
Yeah, but you're right on time.
00:38:05.646 --> 00:38:06.648
I think you're right on time.
00:38:06.648 --> 00:38:09.369
Even in terms of statistics you're right on time.
00:38:09.862 --> 00:38:18.101
I mean, there was no platform, there was really until, like, honestly, not even a best friend at the time you would think, you know.
00:38:18.101 --> 00:38:36.777
I mean, like you said, the name is kind of weird, but at the time, someone who'd always talked to me but he never provided the space for me to say something, Unless it was like, hey, I'm going to jail or hey, I got my car repossessed, but he never.
00:38:36.777 --> 00:38:47.840
And everyone out there when you say and I believe this, if you say like I can't tell you something, is because they haven't provided you the space to be able to let it be known.
00:38:48.684 --> 00:38:50.954
And no one ever has gave me that space.
00:38:51.797 --> 00:38:54.405
Yeah, I can't tell you, or I'd rather not say.
00:38:54.405 --> 00:38:57.655
Or no, I'm good, or yeah, don't worry, it will sort itself out.
00:38:57.655 --> 00:39:06.199
All these little petty excuses we have when, underneath all that crap, we would love, we would love to let it be known.
00:39:06.199 --> 00:39:07.746
Let it be known right.
00:39:07.746 --> 00:39:16.449
How many times have I not spoken my truth, even though I was kind of offered the platform?
00:39:16.449 --> 00:39:20.123
But I was kind of like nah, I may not screw it, it's all good.
00:39:20.344 --> 00:39:21.407
It's all good, it's all good.
00:39:21.407 --> 00:39:56.190
And now, you know, in the times of Netflix, HBO and Amazon and all that, we get served all these shows that give us a glimpse into those two disconnected realities of like, where people pretend to be okay but behind the facade they're crumbling and whenever they try to speak it's like a cry for help, but it goes unheard because society doesn't have the infrastructure for it.
00:39:56.190 --> 00:39:58.338
Right, we don't have the infrastructure.
00:39:58.338 --> 00:40:01.835
We have the infrastructure for when someone wants to kill themselves Right.
00:40:01.835 --> 00:40:06.693
Then we have a suicide hotline, but we don't have a hotline and outreach program.
00:40:06.693 --> 00:40:25.358
We don't have regular buildings and institutions that should be present in every town, every village, every major city, especially where people could go and find these spaces, which would be much more important than many things we do have.
00:40:25.358 --> 00:40:36.614
We have an abundance of bars, dive bars, clubs and pubs and coffee shops, but those are places where we celebrate not being ourselves.
00:40:37.559 --> 00:40:44.125
You're so on point on that because it's like you said, someone as a drinker pal, there's meetings for that.
00:40:44.125 --> 00:40:46.795
Even right now we're like I'm hurting financially, I need to make more money.
00:40:46.795 --> 00:40:49.208
Oh, don't worry, there's a meeting going on.
00:40:49.208 --> 00:40:52.443
Go sit in a room with a bunch of people and they'll show you how to make money.
00:40:52.443 --> 00:40:59.150
But I mean one thing if someone comes to you, they're like look man, there's just some confrontation I'm doing by myself.
00:40:59.150 --> 00:40:59.793
I'm not feeling good.
00:40:59.793 --> 00:41:02.298
There's just something in me that I just need to figure out.
00:41:02.298 --> 00:41:04.784
There's no place to actually it's crazy.
00:41:05.706 --> 00:41:08.677
It's hypocrisy actually, if you think about it.
00:41:08.677 --> 00:41:13.106
It's hypocrisy because you can get your fix anywhere.
00:41:13.106 --> 00:41:15.297
If you have a drinking problem.
00:41:15.297 --> 00:41:18.603
Plenty of bars to choose from right.
00:41:18.603 --> 00:41:20.929
If you have a drug problem, don't worry.
00:41:22.014 --> 00:41:32.760
There's always someone who knows a guy, if you have a problem with yourself which is also very, very it's probably more popular than drinking problems.
00:41:32.760 --> 00:41:34.905
Nothing, it's the desert.
00:41:34.905 --> 00:41:36.407
It's the desert.
00:41:36.407 --> 00:41:39.483
We have therapies for any kind of addiction.
00:41:39.483 --> 00:41:52.230
We have therapists and we have a lot of people who go through training for addictive behavior programs and things like that of any sort.
00:41:52.230 --> 00:41:56.302
Mental health advocates Very big, very big.
00:41:56.302 --> 00:42:04.481
But all we do there is, for the most parts, is we really look at superficial patterns.
00:42:04.481 --> 00:42:09.610
We look to fix a person we don't need fixing.
00:42:09.610 --> 00:42:16.112
It's important that we, as men, understand we're not broken, we're just unheard.
00:42:16.112 --> 00:42:20.902
This is why this podcast is called Let it Be Known, not heal yourself.
00:42:20.902 --> 00:42:23.887
Let yourself Unbreak yourself.
00:42:23.907 --> 00:42:27.701
This is this is the one thing we have to learn.
00:42:27.701 --> 00:42:36.706
This is the only thing that will make us unbroken and fit for a man's life that's worthy of being alive.
00:42:36.706 --> 00:42:45.155
It's to let it be known, Because otherwise you know, with a pressure cooker, you're pressure cooking right now.
00:42:45.356 --> 00:42:51.541
You know, millions of people are pressure cooking and then they go out there and they explode in people's faces, do all kinds of shit.
00:42:51.541 --> 00:42:53.244
We read it in the news.
00:42:53.244 --> 00:42:58.360
We shouldn't read about in the news when some pressure cooker goes off.
00:42:58.360 --> 00:43:03.577
The politics are the result of people pressure cooking themselves.
00:43:03.577 --> 00:43:05.583
Let it be known.
00:43:05.583 --> 00:43:10.079
But to let it be known doesn't mean to share your violent political views.
00:43:10.079 --> 00:43:11.583
That's not letting it be known.
00:43:11.583 --> 00:43:17.326
Letting it be known is your truth underneath that that informs violent behavior.
00:43:17.326 --> 00:43:21.277
You have to let it be known before it turns into violent behavior.
00:43:21.277 --> 00:43:24.565
Right, so that we don't have domestic violence occurring.
00:43:25.005 --> 00:43:31.030
Someone who feels like their life is going nowhere, they're surrounded by toxicity.
00:43:31.030 --> 00:43:38.867
They have questions in their mind that keeps them awake at night Should find a platform to express that.
00:43:38.867 --> 00:43:41.960
But first off, also platform within themselves.
00:43:41.960 --> 00:43:45.307
Admit it to yourself.
00:43:45.307 --> 00:43:46.632
You know that shit.
00:43:46.833 --> 00:43:50.139
Yeah, I am not well, I feel odd.
00:43:50.139 --> 00:43:52.543
I feel unclear and confused.
00:43:52.543 --> 00:43:56.670
Good, I always say that to everyone who works with me.
00:43:56.670 --> 00:43:59.822
Confusion is the beginning of change.
00:43:59.822 --> 00:44:03.936
It's not the beginning of the end, it's the beginning of change.
00:44:03.936 --> 00:44:04.639
I like it.
00:44:04.639 --> 00:44:16.987
If you ignore your confusion and you dwell in it, well then confusion becomes your state of being, whereas I say confusion should be to transition into change.
00:44:16.987 --> 00:44:30.039
Don't hold on to the confusion, but let it be part of the process and make it a reason to express yourself, a reason to speak out.
00:44:30.039 --> 00:44:31.461
Speak out.
00:44:31.461 --> 00:44:40.184
Make that the driver Don't paint over it and put it away and shove it in a pocket and forget about it.
00:44:40.184 --> 00:44:42.210
It will always come back.
00:44:42.210 --> 00:44:44.996
It will always come back to hunt you Agree?
00:44:44.996 --> 00:44:47.119
All right?
00:44:47.119 --> 00:44:50.365
Well, I think we need to come to an end.
00:44:50.365 --> 00:44:53.777
As always, we could just keep going, but we shouldn't.
00:44:53.777 --> 00:44:56.364
What can people do?
00:44:57.467 --> 00:44:59.514
Well, I want people to understand one thing.
00:44:59.514 --> 00:45:08.264
He said it really good, right now I'm not healed and this is not something like this is how you get healed and I'm 100% perfect and ready to go.
00:45:08.264 --> 00:45:09.367
No, it's.
00:45:09.367 --> 00:45:15.985
I'm working through the process and I'm just letting it be known because that's, I believe, the first step.
00:45:16.708 --> 00:45:17.028
Damn.
00:45:17.028 --> 00:45:31.454
Yeah, I think that's right on point, and if you want to let it be known, reach out, share your comments, your thoughts or any ideas for future topics, or if you have anything to elaborate on past topics.
00:45:31.454 --> 00:45:33.039
We're always open.
00:45:33.039 --> 00:45:38.277
As I always say, we don't have all the answers, but we have almost all the questions.
00:45:38.277 --> 00:45:42.789
That's right, and these questions are worth our attention.
00:45:42.789 --> 00:45:43.931
We should bring them out.
00:45:43.931 --> 00:45:49.231
That's what we're here for, and we'd love to hear your opinions.
00:45:49.231 --> 00:45:50.394
And with that I'm out.
00:45:50.394 --> 00:45:51.996
Same here I'm out.