Ep 140: What Does an ADHD Coach Actually Do? What a Coaching Session Looks Like

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Welcome to Learn to Thrive with ADHD.
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This is the podcast for adults with ADHD or ADHD-like symptoms.
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I'm your host, Coach Mandy John.
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I'm here to make your life with ADHD easier.
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Let's get started.
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You know you need to use your calendar.
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You know breaking big projects into smaller steps helps.
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You've probably heard a hundred times that routines are good for ADHD.
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You may even have a pretty good understanding of executive function and how ADHD affects your ability to get things done.
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But knowing all of that doesn't mean you're actually doing it.
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And that can be incredibly frustrating, especially when you've spent so much time learning about ADHD, trying different strategies, and figuring out what you're supposed to do.
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You have the information, you understand the strategies, so why are you still struggling to put them into practice?
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That's one of the most common challenges I hear from adults with ADHD, and it's one of the reasons people seek out ADHD coaching.
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A lot of people with ADHD have spent years learning about their brains, reading books, trying planners, and experimenting with productivity systems.
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They have plenty of information.
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What they haven't figured out is how to use that information consistently in their everyday lives.
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And that's one of the things ADHD coaching can help with.
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I realized recently that I talk about coaching all the time on this podcast, but I haven't really spent much time explaining what ADHD coaching actually is.
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What does an ADHD coach do?
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What happens during a session?
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How is it different from having someone hold you accountable?
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And how do you know whether coaching is something that could help you?
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I'm also getting ready to reopen my ADHD group coaching program in November, so I decided this would be a good time to answer some of those questions.
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This is the first episode of a six-part series where we're going to talk about ADHD coaching, how it works, what you can expect, and how to figure out whether it's the right kind of support for you.
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Today we're starting with the basics.
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What does an ADHD coach actually do?
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And what happens when you work with one?
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ADHD coaching is a collaborative process that helps you figure out how to manage your life more effectively while working with the way your brain functions.
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And by collaborative, I mean you and your coach work together.
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Your coach isn't there to tell you how to run your life, hand you a schedule, or decide what your priorities should be.
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You're the one who decides what you want to accomplish.
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Your coach helps you figure out how to get there.
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That involves looking at what you're trying to do, what's getting in the way, and what you can change to make things easier.
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For example, you could come into coaching because you're constantly running late, or because you start projects and rarely finish them.
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You could be overwhelmed by everything you need to do, or have a hard time following through on plans you make.
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Those are the problems you notice, but there's usually more going on underneath them.
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Let's say you're always running late.
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You assume you need to pay more attention to the clock, but when we start looking at what's actually happening, we discover that you're underestimating how long it takes to get ready, or you're starting one more task before leaving, or you're having trouble stopping what you're doing and transitioning to the next activity.
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Each of those problems calls for a different solution.
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That's why coaching isn't just about giving people advice.
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You can find plenty of advice online.
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The work is figuring out what advice actually applies to you and how to make it work in your life.
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A coach helps you look at your patterns, experiment with different approaches, and learn from the results.
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Over time, you get better at recognizing what's happening and making those adjustments yourself.
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The goal isn't to make you dependent on your coach, it's to help you develop the skills to manage your life with more confidence and independence.
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One of the biggest challenges with ADHD is the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it.
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This can be incredibly frustrating, especially for adults who are intelligent, capable, and successful in other areas of their lives.
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You can understand exactly how something works and still struggle to follow through.
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Let's take something as simple as going to bed on time.
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You know sleep is important, you understand that staying up late is going to make tomorrow harder, you've probably even decided on a reasonable bedtime.
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But then it's 11 o'clock and you're still scrolling on your phone, watching another episode, or working on something you didn't finish earlier.
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Knowing that you should go to bed hasn't solved the problem, and telling yourself to be more disciplined tomorrow probably isn't going to solve it either.
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We need to understand what's happening between the intention and the action.
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Are you losing track of time?
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Is it difficult to stop an activity once you're engaged in it?
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Are you avoiding your nighttime routine because it feels like too much work?
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Or is nighttime the only part of the day when you finally feel like you have some time to yourself?
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Those are all very different situations.
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If you're losing track of time, an external reminder could help.
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If you're struggling to transition away from activity, we can work on creating a more manageable stopping point.
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And if your evening routine has become overwhelming, we can simplify it.
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And if you're staying up because you feel like you never got any time for yourself, we need to look at what's happening earlier in the day.
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The solution depends on the problem.
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That's the work we do in ADHD coaching.
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Instead of continuing to tell yourself what you should be doing, you learn to look at what's keeping you from doing it.
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Once you understand what's happening, you have something specific you can work on.
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Let's walk through an example because a lot of people have never experienced coaching and aren't sure what to expect.
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Imagine you come into a session and tell me that you wanted to exercise three times a week, but you didn't work out once.
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Now I could tell you that exercise is good for ADHD.
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We could talk about what the benefits are, or I could give you some ideas about staying motivated, but you probably already know exercise is good for you.
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That's why you made the goal in the first place.
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So instead, we're going to look at what actually happened.
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I'd want to know what your original plan was.
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When were you planning to exercise?
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What did your day actually look like?
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What happened when it was time to work out?
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Let's say you plan to go to the gym after work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
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But by the time you finished work, you were exhausted, you went home to change clothes, you sat down for a few minutes, and you never made it back out the door.
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Okay, now we have something to work with.
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Going home before the gym could be part of the problem because once you're home, transitioning back out is difficult.
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You could bring your gym clothes to work and head straight there.
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Or you might realize that after work is just a terrible time for you to exercise.
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You've been trying to force yourself into a schedule that doesn't fit your energy levels.
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We could experiment with going in the morning or during your lunch break.
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We may also discover that three gym sessions a week is more than you're ready to commit to right now.
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Starting with one or two sessions could be a better plan.
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And here's another question I'd want to explore.
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Do you actually want to go to the gym?
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Maybe you don't enjoy it.
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You just decided that it's what exercise is supposed to look like.
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If you love walking outside or riding your bike, we could build a plan around something you actually enjoy.
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We're not treating the missed workouts as evidence that you're lazy or undisciplined.
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We're using what happened to figure out what needs to change.
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This is an example of one of the frameworks I use with my clients.
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It's called review, revise, recommit.
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First, we review what was the plan and what actually happened.
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We're looking at facts here, not judging whether you were good or bad at following through.
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Next, we revise based on what you learned, what needs to change.
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It could be the timing, the number of workouts, the type of exercise.
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And then we recommit.
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What's the new plan?
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What are you willing to try between now and our next session?
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Let's say you decide to go directly to the gym after work, Tuesday and Thursday, and you're going to keep your gym bag in the car.
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Great.
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That's a specific plan that we can test.
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Now, when we meet again, we'll talk about how it went.
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If it worked, we can look at what made it successful and how to build on it.
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If it didn't, we have more information to work with.
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That's what a coaching session can look like.
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We're solving problems together, testing solutions and making adjustments based on your actual experience.
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Of course, not every coaching session is about building a routine or fixing a specific problem.
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We might work on making a decision, setting the goal, organizing a project, managing overwhelm, or figuring out what to prioritize.
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But the process is similar.
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We look at where you are, where you want to go, and what will help you move forward.
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One of the things people associate with coaching is accountability, and accountability is helpful.
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There's something about knowing that you're going to talk with another person about your goals that can make it easier to follow through.
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But accountability alone is a pretty limited way to think about coaching.
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If all we're doing is checking whether you completed your assignments, you could get a friend to do that for you.
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You could tell them what you're going to do, they could check at the end of the week, and you could let them know whether you did it.
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There's nothing wrong with that arrangement, but it works well for some people.
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But coaching goes further.
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Let's go back to the exercise example.
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You set a goal to work out twice a week.
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And when we meet again, you tell me you didn't do it.
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I'm not going to respond by telling you to try harder next week.
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I want to understand why the plan didn't work.
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Maybe you forgot to put your gym bag in the car.
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Maybe you had to work late, or you got to the gym parking lot and couldn't convince yourself to go inside.
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Each of those situations tells us something different.
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And what we're trying to develop isn't just the ability to complete an assignment because someone's going to check on you.
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We want you to get better at making plans you can actually follow, recognizing obstacles and adjusting when something doesn't work.
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There's another benefit to this process.
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You start learning how to evaluate your own performance without immediately turning it into a judgment about yourself.
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Instead of saying, I failed again, I'm terrible at sticking with anything, you can say, that plan didn't work.
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What needs to change?
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That's a much more useful way to approach the problem.
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And it's a skill you can use long after you finish working with a coach.
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One of the questions I get is whether coaching is only for people who struggle with organization or time management.
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And the answer is no.
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Those are common areas we work on, but ADHD can affect many parts of your life.
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I work with people who have successful careers but struggle to manage anything outside of work.
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I work with business owners who have a dozen ideas and can't decide which ones to pursue.
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And I work with people who are exhausted from constantly trying to keep up with their responsibilities.
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A coaching session could focus on getting started on something you've been avoiding, finishing a project, managing your schedule, or building a routine.
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We might work on setting boundaries, making decisions, or figuring out how to manage a busy season without becoming completely overwhelmed.
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And coaching isn't always about fixing problems.
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You might have a goal you're excited about but don't know how to approach.
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Perhaps you're starting a business, going back to school, making a career change, or taking on a big personal project.
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We can work on those things too.
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The common thread is helping you move from where you are to where you want to be.
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There's another part of coaching that people don't always expect.
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The work can involve questioning whether the goal you've been trying hard to accomplish is actually something you want.
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You might have spent years trying to maintain a perfectly organized house because you believe that's what a responsible adult should do.
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But when we look at what you actually need, it turns out that you don't care whether every closet is organized.
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You just want to be able to find your things and get through your day without constantly feeling overwhelmed.
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That changes what we're working toward.
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Coaching gives you a space to examine those expectations and decide what works for your life instead of continuing to chase a standard you never chose for yourself.
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You might be wondering whether you need an ADHD coach specifically or whether any life coach could help you.
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There are plenty of skilled life coaches who help people set goals, make decisions, and create positive changes in their lives.
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And a good life coach can absolutely be helpful for someone with ADHD, but having a solid understanding of ADHD gives a coach additional information to work with.
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Let's say you tell a coach that you're having trouble finishing a project.
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A coach who doesn't understand ADHD could focus entirely on motivation, discipline, or commitment.
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They could assume that you need a more detailed schedule or stronger accountability.
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But with ADHD, there are other possibilities we need to consider.
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You could have been having trouble getting started because the project is too vague.
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You know what the finished result should look like, but you haven't identified the next action.
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Or the project requires a lot of working memory.
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You're trying to keep track of so many different pieces that you get overwhelmed every time you sit down to work on it.
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You could be struggling with time estimation.
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You set aside an hour for something that's realistically going to take four hours.
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Or perhaps you're having difficulty transitioning into the task, especially after spending time on something more engaging.
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Understanding these patterns helps us ask better questions.
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It also keeps us from automatically treating every problem as a lack of effort.
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ADHD affects executive functions, which are the mental processes involved in planning, organizing, managing attention, controlling impulses, and following through on our intentions.
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And those difficulties don't always show up the same way one day to the next.
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You might complete a task easily on Monday and struggle with the exact same task on Thursday.
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An ADHD informed coach understands that inconsistent performance can be part of the picture.
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Instead of questioning why you aren't trying as hard as you did on Monday, we can look at what changed.
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Your energy, your environment, level of stress, interest in the task, and all the demands on your attention can all influence how difficult something feels.
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That knowledge helps us create strategies that account for the differences instead of expecting you to perform exactly the same way every day.
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And it's also important for a coach to recognize when something falls outside the scope of coaching.
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ADHD coaching doesn't replace medical care, diagnoses, medication management, or mental health treatment.
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Those are very different services and they serve different purposes.
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There can be a lot of confusion about the difference between coaching, therapy, and other forms of professional support.
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We're going to spend an entire episode talking about ADHD coaching versus therapy because that distinction deserves a more detailed conversation.
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But for now, I want to explain a few things about what you should expect from coaching.
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First, a coach isn't there to diagnose you with ADHD or determine whether you need medication.
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Those are questions for qualified medical or mental health professionals.
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A coach also isn't there to take over your responsibilities.
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I'm not going to run your calendar, make all your decisions, or manage your to-do list for you.
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Now we might work together to figure out how to use a calendar more effectively.
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We might create a way to keep track of tasks or build a process that makes decisions easier, but you're the one who ultimately uses the tools and makes those decisions.
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The work is about developing your abilities, not handing your life over to somebody else.
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And a coach shouldn't make you feel ashamed when something doesn't work.
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If you come into a session and you tell me you haven't done anything you planned that week, we still have plenty to work on.
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We can look at what happened, identify what made the week difficult, and decide how to approach the next one.
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You don't need to show up with a list of accomplishments to make a coaching session worthwhile.
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In fact, some of the most useful conversations happen when we were just working through something that hasn't been going well.
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I also want to point out that coaching isn't a magic solution.
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Working with an ADHD coach doesn't mean you'll suddenly become consistent with everything.
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Stop procrastinating or never feel overwhelmed again.
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You're going to.
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You have ADHD.
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What you can develop is a better understanding of your patterns and a wider range of tools for managing the challenges that come with them.
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So how do you know ADHD coaching is actually working?
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That is a fair question, especially because coaching involves an investment of time, effort, and money.
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And progress isn't always as obvious as checking off a goal.
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Of course, sometimes it is.
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You might finally finish a project that you've been putting off for months.
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You could establish a routine that makes your mornings easier, or learn to manage your schedule without constantly running late.
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Those are great results, but some of the most valuable changes are in how you approach your challenges.
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Let's say you used to create a new planning system every few weeks and you'd get excited about it, use it for a while, and then gradually stop.
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And every time that happened, you'd blame yourself and go looking for another system.
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After working with a coach, you start recognizing what's going wrong.
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Your system could have too many steps.
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You could be trying to track more information than you actually need.
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Or you're expecting yourself to maintain the same system every day, regardless of how much else is happening.
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Now, instead of abandoning the entire system, you know how to make an adjustment.
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That's progress.
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Another example is how you respond when you fall behind.
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Previously, getting behind on a project might have led to several days of avoiding it because you felt overwhelmed by everything that you hadn't done.
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Now you recognize what's happening sooner, you take a look at what's left, choose a manageable step, and get started again.
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You still got behind, that part hasn't necessarily changed, but the way you respond did.
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You might also notice that you're making more realistic commitments, asking for help sooner, or spending less time criticizing yourself when something doesn't go according to plan.
00:16:05.919 --> 00:16:11.919
And over time you become more confident in your ability to handle challenges because you've had practice working through them.
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That brings us to another question.
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How do you know whether coaching is right for you?
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Start by looking at what you've already tried.
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If you've spent years learning about ADHD, reading books, listening to podcasts, and trying different strategies, but you're still struggling to put those ideas into practice, coaching could be worth exploring.
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Or you might understand your challenges, but you have trouble stepping back far enough to figure out what to change.
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Having another person to help you examine what's happening, ask questions, and work through possible solutions can be useful.
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You don't need to be completely overwhelmed or struggling in every area of life to benefit from coaching.
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And you don't need coaching just because you have ADHD.
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Some people are able to develop effective strategies on their own.
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Others benefit from support groups, therapy, medication, educational resources, or a combination of all of these approaches.
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Coaching is one option.
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What matters is finding the kind of support that helps you make changes you want to make.
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I want to come back to something we talked about in the beginning.
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You can know what you need to do and still have a hard time doing it.
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And if you've spent years trying to solve that problem by learning more, buying another planner, or promising yourself that tomorrow you'll be more disciplined, you already know how frustrating that cycle can be.
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ADHD coaching gives you a different way to approach those challenges.
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Instead of continuing to ask yourself why you can't just do what you're supposed to do, you can start looking at what's actually happening.
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You can learn to recognize the patterns, make plans that fit your life, and change your approach when something isn't working.
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And as you get better at doing that, you become less dependent on finding the perfect strategy or having the perfect week.
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You develop the ability to work through problems as they come up.
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The coach isn't there to run your life for you.
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They're there to help you build the skills and confidence to manage it yourself.
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So think about an area of life where you already know what you need to do, but you're having trouble following through.
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Instead of searching for another piece of advice, take a look at what's actually getting in the way.
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What have you tried?
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What happened?
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And what could you change next time?
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That's the kind of problem solving we practice in ADHD coaching.
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And it's something that you can start doing on your own.
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Next week we're going to talk about the difference between ADHD coaching and therapy.
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It's a question I hear quite a bit, and there's more to it than simply saying one focuses on the past and the other focuses on the future.
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I've had ADHD coaching clients over the years that were therapists, and this was always a question I had for them.
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So I'll share with you what I've learned.
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And as I mentioned earlier, I'm reopening my ADHD group coaching program in November.
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If you've been thinking about getting some support with your ADHD, you can join the wait list to hear when enrollment opens and get more information about the program.
00:18:51.920 --> 00:18:58.000
Or if you'd rather start with some practical ADHD tools and ideas for both, you can get on my email list.
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It's LearnTothrive with ADHD.com forward slash weekly.
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Thank you all.
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I will see you next week.
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Thank you for your time today and especially your attention.
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If you're anything like me, you love to learn.
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Sometimes, though, we can know what to do, but struggle to put it into action without the right support.
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That's what private ADHD coaching is for to give you the unique support and accountability you need to make the change you know is possible.
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Book a free consultation with me today at www.learn to thrive with ADHD.com backslash services.
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I look forward to meeting you.