WEBVTT
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm Jamie Cochran.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I'm Life Babin.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Mead Win.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I'm Extreme Watership podcast.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And we're back with another episode of the lead win podcast with Life Babin and Carlos Mendes.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I want to touch on a topic today.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We talk a lot about combat and business.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We weave in some stories of family, but I want to anchor today on this idea of extreme ownership at home.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And the reason I want to talk about this today is because at the mustard, we were doing our standard panel, which is extreme ownership at home, and there was a gentleman in the audience who asked a question, and I'll give him a ton of credit because he was being very honest and very vulnerable.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But he shared the experience of what he was dealing with right now with four young children under the age of six.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And he described the scenario where he's coming home from work.
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[SPEAKER_00]: He's had a long day at work.
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[SPEAKER_00]: He's, you know, maybe coming back with some frustration from the work day.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And he's getting home and he's finding it really hard to engage with his family, to engage with his kids.
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[SPEAKER_00]: He described the situation as wanting to take his phone and go hide away while his son is yelling, hey, Papa, just wants to come play with him.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And this feeling of annoyance toward his kids.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And as he was asking the question, it was great that Dave Burke jumped in there and started answering because I found myself getting emotional as he asked the question because now I'm on the other side of this.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I've got a 17 almost 18 year old who's getting ready to leave the house and I am clamoring for time.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I am thinking through all of the decisions I've made in his life of have I done enough?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Have I prepared him enough?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Do I have the relationship necessary
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[SPEAKER_00]: And when I got back to me and to answer this question, I try to instill with this gentleman, the importance of what this relationship right now when it's difficult and hard and challenging in your kids are young and yeah, it's not easy and it's not fun all the time.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But how critical that is to build in that relationship now to set yourself up for success in the future.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I want to talk a little bit about this culture of extreme ownership specific to our kids.
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[SPEAKER_00]: How do we build in that influence and how do we bring these principles to life with the people that matter the most to us?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, when you bring that up, it makes me think of my oldest son, which I've talked about in workshops and in some of these episodes.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, listen, I grew up very old school, both my parents are in the grants I grew up very old school.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So there was a ton of emphasis on discipline growing up.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So naturally, that's what I did with my son, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to be very disciplined.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I was very hard on him.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And
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[SPEAKER_01]: It wasn't till much later where I started realizing that these principles apply at home as well That I started realizing you know what instead of doubling down on the discipline I need to double down on the relationship with him because only through having that relation Am I gonna have that influence over him and and listen?
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a flawed human being so as much as I'd love to tell you that I'm awesome And I use these principles all the time at home is the hardest place to apply these because it's where you care the most It's where you're the most emotionally attached
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[SPEAKER_01]: But I'll share a couple of wins that I did have throughout is teenage years.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I say the teenagers, because I truly think that those are the hardest or the teenage years.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I'll give you one example that was telling Lave about another day.
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[SPEAKER_01]: My son, I guess told his mother, hey, I want to get a tattoo on my forearm.
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[SPEAKER_01]: He's 16 years old at the time.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, oh, I'm going to get a tattoo on my forearm.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And of course, his mom calls me, and she's like, you need to talk to your son.
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[SPEAKER_01]: He wants to get a tattoo, and she's telling me that's not like, okay, cool.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So luckily for me, I had to hop on a flight, so I had plenty of time to think about what I was gonna do.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So he gave me a force to touch that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But he was forced to touch me for sure.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So I thought about it, so like I said, I had the advantage of having plenty of time to think about it on this four-hour flight.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so I get off the fly, I call my son, and he's like, hey, what's up, Dad?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And he goes, I know what you're calling me.
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[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, mom told you about the tattoo, didn't she?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, yeah, she did.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, dude, that's awesome.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's really cool.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And you could tell that, so we're faced time and so I could see his facial expressions and you could see that he's thrown off by it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm like, hey, I'm gonna use this indirect approach that we use at work.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm gonna use it at home.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So I just started asking him some sincere questions.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's awesome, man.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Where are you gonna get it?
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[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, oh, well, my friend's uncle is gonna do it and I was like, oh, that's good.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, what tattoo shop does he work at?
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[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, well, he doesn't have a shop per se, but he's gonna do it in his garage.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, oh, that's interesting.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, do you know if he's gonna use the proper techniques?
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[SPEAKER_01]: If he's gonna use proper sterilizing, like, did you?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I'm really sure, and I'm like, okay, cool.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I start asking with a few more questions about the things that you actually need to think about before you do something like that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then I asked him, oh, so where are you going to get it?
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[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, oh, my form.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, oh, cool.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So everybody's going to be able to see that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's awesome.
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[SPEAKER_01]: What are you going to get?
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[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, well, I'm not sure yet.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, man, okay.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So you haven't really thought about what you want to get, but you want to get on your form.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm walking him through all this.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I said, listen, son.
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[SPEAKER_01]: If you want to get a tattoo, if you really want to get a tattoo, quite frankly there's nothing I could do to stop you, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: You can go and get it done behind my back and you can do that and quite frankly, who am I to stop you from your happiness?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, you could do that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Or...
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[SPEAKER_01]: if you wait until your 18 years old you and I can go to one of the best tattoo artists that I know and we can get you something meaningful that actually means something to you and get it done the appropriate way and then I got on Instagram and I showed him some some artists and he's like man this is awesome and then he's like yeah you know I'm gonna wait
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[SPEAKER_01]: and it's really cool to see that amount of influence still carry over now so now he's 18 he's out of the house and it's funny because one of his friends said told him that he's like man like let's go get tattoos and he was like no I'm going to say he said I'm going to wait for my dad to get my first tattoo and we're going to do it together.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So like seeing that, it worn my heart because you got to think about through teenagers and you have teenagers.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So you know what I'm talking about.
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[SPEAKER_01]: There are times where you're like, is anything getting through and it's not till later.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So I always tell parents just wait, just be consistent, stay the course, keep doing the right thing and eventually it'll start shining through in moments that you least expected and another one that I was telling you about.
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[SPEAKER_01]: him and I face time all the time now that he's moved out of the house.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So we're face timing and he's like, hey dad, check this out.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And he turns his screen, you know, around and he shows me his desk and it's got this posted on it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And the post it says morning routine.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So I screenshot it at real quick and I showed it to my wife on my baby.
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[SPEAKER_01]: What does this look like to you?
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[SPEAKER_01]: She's like, that's your morning routine.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I said, I know, do you know how long it took me to try to get him to stick to this morning routine while he was here and he resisted?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then finally, you know, I just let him be and now he's doing it on his own.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the most satisfying comments that he's made to me, you know, since he's moved out of the house, it's like, Dad, everything that you said was going to happen.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It was going to happen.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It happened exactly the way you said it was.
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[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, I hate how you've been right every single time so far.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That's a challenge, is that we have to set the foundation super early even when they push against it and they don't want to hear it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I think about this poor dad who's struggling to build this relationship with his family and what's not going to look like when they're teenagers and you have less and less and less control.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm constantly looking at the relationship with my kids of what do I actually want out of this relationship?
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[SPEAKER_00]: I love how you describe this scenario of trying to influence your son in a way that feels very, probably inauthentic to how you wanted to react in that situation, which is, no, you're 16, you're not getting into tattoo.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And yet, anchoring on what do I want this relationship to look like in the long run?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Because what I want more than anything is for my kids to see me as a resource, for my kids to want to come and talk to me about the challenges that they're having, because I know I'm going to have a much better perspective than their friends who don't know anything about the world.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And in order to build that kind of trust and that foundation of that relationship, I have to start with what am I doing now at 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 years old that's going to set that up in the long run when their teenagers and you don't have the control that you want to happen.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I think that's spot on and it seems like you've got all the time in the world and you don't, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: You really don't.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's a blink.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I've got my, well, this is not kind of on the doors of a teenager to hear very soon.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And my daughter actually had a conversation with me recently, just about just about the popular girls in school and, you know, and I was like, oh, this is cool that she's open up to me about this and I'm just going to ask questions and listen.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So rather than me, try to provide some guidance, I'm just going to listen to what she has to say and understand what you may be some of the challenges are at the school and some of the things that she's concerned about and it all seems like just such minor things like from my perspective, but it's not to her.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It's very meaningful to her.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And I think it's really important to think about that foundation starting right now.
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[SPEAKER_02]: of, you know, the trustless and respect influence care, knowing that, you know, just making that time for your kids, there's no, whatever you're doing at work, just pales in comparison to the leadership responsibilities that you have as a parent at home, as a
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[SPEAKER_02]: as a spouse at home.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And I think that is just something that I think you can never take lightly.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And if you think about the time that you have with them, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: If you're coming home from work at, let's say, you get home at five o'clock in the afternoon.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe it's five thirty.
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[SPEAKER_02]: You know, if you work a little longer day, it's six, but you probably don't have, you know, after a commute and coming home from work and your kids you come home from school or ball practice, whatever it is,
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[SPEAKER_02]: You don't have a lot of time and so I find myself getting sucked in on my phone or to an email or things like that and yet I think man my kids, you know, I'm trying to put him in bad at eight thirty or nine o'clock at night You know, that's the goal sometimes that doesn't all often Go back and they're actual teenagers
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[SPEAKER_02]: But I think that, you know, if it's, if it's for me just spending just a few hours out of the day with them, I can put my phone away.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I can, I can shut my laptop, I can, I can put them to bed and then open my laptop and get whatever work done I need to.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Or try to get what I can done at the office so that I, when I come home.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I'm prioritizing them, and I think if you don't think about that from a strategic perspective, we talk about detachment, right, in a previous episode, the power of detachment.
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[SPEAKER_02]: If you don't think about that from a strategic perspective and detachment from your emotions, you're tired, you feel a spent from work.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Man, that is the most important leadership rule that you have, and you've got to make time for that, or it's It's going to be gone by the time they're teenagers or they're out of the house.
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[SPEAKER_02]: You're not going to have any relationship with them, and your ability to influence them is zero.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I heard once that at a certain age you start to calculate how many times you see your parents in a year, which
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[SPEAKER_00]: the older that you get, it's less and less, and less you happen to live close to your parents.
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[SPEAKER_00]: My parents live on the other side of the country.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so we see them maybe two times a year, and you start to calculate, how many more times are you seeing them before they inevitably will pass on?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And when you do the calculation, it's...
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's so sad to me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then I span that out to include that in my kids when my son turns 18 and he goes to college.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Now what you're seeing him, a handful of times a year, maybe five, six, seven times.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then as the years go on, that becomes four times and three times and two times and one time, or if he's going off and, you know, you guys served in deployments, you're gone for six, seven months at a time, a year, the times that you have are numbered.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And when you start to picture it in that sense, you start to realize that the time you have now is of the utmost importance so that they want to come home and they want to be a part of that relationship for the long run because it's just fleeting it goes by so fast.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I think the other piece of this is not just what extreme ownership in these principles bring to your ability in the home to bring these principles to life, gives you a little bit more control and how you prioritize those things properly.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's also the gift that we can give our kids.
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[SPEAKER_00]: The gift of ownership and helping them understand what ownership looks like in their life is so critical.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Think about if we all had these principles at 16, 17, 18, the mistakes that we could have avoided.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I look at this now as it's not just for myself and the relationship with my kids,
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's for them.
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[SPEAKER_00]: How do I influence them in a way that allows them to take ownership properly in their life and avoid some of the stakes that I made?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Jocco talks about letting your kids brush up against the guardrails of failure, and I think it's a really hard thing to do as a parent, and that doesn't mean you're not going to let your kid run into the highway to learn to look both ways before they cross the road.
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[SPEAKER_02]: We're not talking about letting them do something that's catastrophic and it's going to injure them in some way.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But on the other hand, rather than getting an argument with your toddler about whether they should put their jacket on when it's cold outside, you can just let them go outside cool.
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[SPEAKER_02]: You don't want to put your jacket on, go.
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[SPEAKER_02]: You don't want to get the consequences.
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[SPEAKER_02]: You know, two minutes later, you're going to come back inside and say, I want to put my jacket on.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So I think it's, you need to let your kids brush up against guardrails of failure and use that indirect approach.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And so often we're trying to save our kids from learning things a hard way the way that we might have.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But all of these things definitely apply, all of these things apply in such a way just empowering them to take ownership of the things in their lives.
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[SPEAKER_02]: My wife Jenner and I were just talking about the fact that our kids are so much more capable than we think they are.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And so often we do things for them and whether it's, you know, prepping their their, their,
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[SPEAKER_02]: Their sports gear or getting their lunch is ready for school.
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[SPEAKER_02]: They're more than capable of doing all that stuff themselves.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And I think we have to teach them at the youngest age possible to be self-reliant, to take care of themselves, so that they can solve problems themselves.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Otherwise, they're just depending on us for their whole lives.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And that's, that we're not setting them up for success when they go out on their own in life.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I think it's a super important thing to think about as a parent.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, one of the things that I really harp on at my house is I was raising my kids and raised my oldest was decision-making.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I talked about this a lot during my workshops.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I need my kids to be able to make good decisions because at some point I'm not going to be around.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And if I don't let them practice making those decisions when the stakes are low, how could they possibly know how to make these decisions when the stakes are high and they're out of the house and I'm not around.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think part of that is giving our kids a ton of choices and opportunities to take ownership for themselves.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Part of that as a parent is also recognizing that this whole effort to bring extreme ownership principles into our family lives is a long-term campaign.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We're dealing with kids.
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[SPEAKER_00]: they're crazy at times and sometimes I joke with clients who will say well we're not in war and it's like man racing kid sometimes feels like you're in war feels like it feels like you're in combat I don't know what that's like but it feels like this is a chaotic and crazy environment with you know little landmines all around but what's important is remembering that this is a long-term campaign and I've been around these principles for 13 years I've been trying to instill these in my kids and say where you little all that's 17 year old was
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[SPEAKER_00]: four ones at echelon front and learning these principles and hearing them.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And throughout my time, I've gotten little glimpses of ownership, but it's not innate in who we are.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's not part of our human nature.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I have to have a lot of grace with my kids that this isn't part of just what people are born with, this ability to take ownership.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And what I've found over time is that if you just are consistent and you're just patient with it, you can start to see little moments where you see, okay, we're seeing it come through.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll get an example on one day where my kid will take ownership of something.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, truly, I have email screenshots of text messages so I can go back and remind myself, like, he did it once, right?
15:37.229 --> 15:39.369
[SPEAKER_00]: And it'll say, like, hey, mom, that's totally on me.
15:39.409 --> 15:40.010
[SPEAKER_00]: That's my fault.
15:40.030 --> 15:40.890
[SPEAKER_00]: And he'll take ownership.
15:40.910 --> 15:43.830
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll get the sense of, okay, my job now as a mom is done.
15:44.310 --> 15:46.411
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the very next day, something will happen.
15:46.811 --> 15:49.871
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's my fault because I moved something or he can't find something.
15:49.931 --> 15:52.632
[SPEAKER_00]: And I am reminded, this is part of our journey.
15:52.972 --> 15:56.312
[SPEAKER_00]: This is part of this effort of learning how to take ownership is at some days.
15:56.332 --> 15:56.752
[SPEAKER_00]: You get it.
15:56.872 --> 15:58.033
[SPEAKER_00]: The next day, you fail at it.
15:58.453 --> 16:02.253
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's what we have to do as leaders in our homes as recognize that this isn't innate.
16:02.513 --> 16:06.354
[SPEAKER_00]: And it takes time and consistency to build in that habit of taking ownership.
16:07.568 --> 16:16.719
[SPEAKER_02]: I think one thing to keep in mind as well is that it's far less important than what you say and far more important than what you do because your kids are emulating you.
16:17.019 --> 16:20.884
[SPEAKER_02]: And these are the principles you want to do and your kids you have to do them as well.
16:21.184 --> 16:25.069
[SPEAKER_02]: So if I don't want my kids to lose control of their emotions, I got to control my emotions.
16:27.412 --> 16:28.794
[SPEAKER_02]: You see, I'm in control my most.
16:28.814 --> 16:30.176
[SPEAKER_02]: There's times when I lose control my most.
16:30.196 --> 16:31.998
[SPEAKER_02]: But I lose my temper, I get mad about something.
16:32.619 --> 16:34.582
[SPEAKER_02]: And when that happens, I get to take ownership.
16:34.722 --> 16:38.367
[SPEAKER_02]: When I screw things up, if I want them to take ownership, I get to take ownership.
16:38.427 --> 16:40.931
[SPEAKER_02]: I get to talk about what I screwed up.
16:41.351 --> 16:42.713
[SPEAKER_02]: And here's what I'm going to fix that going forward.
16:42.733 --> 16:43.314
[SPEAKER_02]: Here's what I'm going to do.
16:43.394 --> 16:46.535
[SPEAKER_02]: what I'm going to do to prevent that from happening in the future.
16:47.116 --> 16:48.716
[SPEAKER_02]: These are things that we actually have to do.
16:49.557 --> 16:58.740
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think about the example that you gave of this gentleman that wants to be on his phone and it's kind of looking at that is I get sucked in being on my phone.
16:59.281 --> 17:02.042
[SPEAKER_02]: I realized that was a problem for my kids even when they were very little.
17:02.622 --> 17:12.912
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, they would cut out cardboard from like a shoe box or something and like draw a like mock cell phone And then that's what they would be playing on their playing like they're in the cell phone.
17:13.212 --> 17:13.453
[SPEAKER_02]: Why?
17:13.473 --> 17:23.042
[SPEAKER_02]: Because they see their mom and dad on cell phones all the time and it's funny We joke sometimes right that like an old school rotary phone like I grew up with as a kid My kids don't even know what that is
17:23.522 --> 17:32.938
[SPEAKER_02]: They have no idea, because to them, a telephone is this little touch screen, you know, box that people carry in their pocket, you know, our cell phones or iPhones, whatever it is.
17:32.958 --> 17:34.901
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think that, uh,
17:35.888 --> 17:45.591
[SPEAKER_02]: One of the things that annoys me and I think it's been so destructive in our society is when you look at a group of teenagers today and they're sitting in a group, they're all doing like this, right?
17:45.611 --> 17:46.751
[SPEAKER_02]: They're just scrolling on their phone.
17:47.091 --> 17:48.211
[SPEAKER_02]: They're not even looking at each other.
17:48.231 --> 17:50.312
[SPEAKER_02]: They're like, they're like texting amongst each other.
17:50.372 --> 18:01.135
[SPEAKER_02]: Even though they're sitting just inches apart from each other when they could actually be looking at each other and engaging with each other and building relationships with each other and sharing stores with each other and they're all, they're just doing it on their phone.
18:01.655 --> 18:03.896
[SPEAKER_02]: And I know that's annoying to a lot of people in my generation.
18:03.976 --> 18:04.296
[SPEAKER_02]: And yet,
18:05.491 --> 18:07.572
[SPEAKER_02]: look what you're doing, setting example to your kids, right?
18:07.592 --> 18:11.133
[SPEAKER_02]: Instead of you're showing that what do you think your teenagers are going to do?
18:11.313 --> 18:20.177
[SPEAKER_02]: How can I tell my kids when their teenagers not to be on their phones if I'm on my phone when I come home from work and they're trying to talk to me and engage with me?
18:20.637 --> 18:22.718
[SPEAKER_02]: So you can't expect them to do any different.
18:22.738 --> 18:26.920
[SPEAKER_02]: So you have to accept the example and it's far more important what you do than what you say.
18:27.456 --> 18:28.858
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we tell leaders all the time.
18:28.918 --> 18:31.160
[SPEAKER_00]: You overestimate the strength of your relationships.
18:31.821 --> 18:36.667
[SPEAKER_00]: I see this happen all the time in our families because these relationships are already established.
18:37.127 --> 18:38.769
[SPEAKER_00]: We overestimate the strength of them.
18:39.090 --> 18:43.355
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're not prioritizing the time with our families and particularly with our kids that we need to be.
18:43.555 --> 18:49.117
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a huge advocate of family dinners, bringing that back, sitting around a table and having a meal.
18:49.357 --> 19:05.562
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, we overestimate the strength of those relationships and small things like that, just spending time prioritizing that effort with your kids, that opportunity to influence them, building in that relationship, that's what's going to set the foundation when they're young, that's going to set you up for success when they're adults and they're out on their own.
19:05.822 --> 19:09.983
[SPEAKER_02]: The thing I love most, Carlos, about the example that you gave is it's the power of the indirect approach.
19:10.023 --> 19:16.424
[SPEAKER_02]: That is, is thinking about how do you best get people to do what they need to do in order to be successful?
19:16.804 --> 19:23.125
[SPEAKER_02]: And it is, it is usually the opposite of what we think, which is like insist on doing it my way and going with that direct approach.
19:23.845 --> 19:29.206
[SPEAKER_02]: And we had a, we had a leader in a, a muster, a year or two back who asked a question.
19:29.226 --> 19:32.066
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, how do I get my 15-year-old just to listen to me?
19:35.447 --> 19:38.073
[SPEAKER_02]: Did you listen to your dad when you were 15 years old?
19:38.654 --> 19:39.857
[SPEAKER_02]: And as he thought about that, he was like,
19:40.973 --> 19:43.013
[SPEAKER_02]: No, and I was like, I didn't know I definitely didn't, right?
19:43.033 --> 19:45.534
[SPEAKER_02]: My dad tried to tell me things and I pushed back on that.
19:45.554 --> 19:49.955
[SPEAKER_02]: I thought I knew better and so why would we expect in any difference?
19:49.975 --> 20:09.819
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think the power of that indirect approach and it's so hard to do because you care so much about your kids and you're emotionally attached to them, but if you think about how what is the most effective means of getting people to do what you need them to do and it is not the direct approach but the indirect approach asking questions and allowing them to reveal the truth to themselves.
20:10.211 --> 20:20.064
[SPEAKER_00]: And that brings us to our iPad, our immediate action drove for the week, which is to spend time this week re assessing your priorities, especially within your families.
20:20.464 --> 20:25.311
[SPEAKER_00]: And make sure that you're prioritizing those relationships with your kids for the long-term success.
20:26.372 --> 20:28.034
[SPEAKER_02]: Car about some time for your kids.
20:29.229 --> 20:33.212
[SPEAKER_02]: be disciplined to put your phone away, close your laptop, you can be away.
20:33.552 --> 20:40.237
[SPEAKER_02]: If you can't be away from your computer, your phone for an hour and a half or two hours of time, that is a problem.
20:40.557 --> 20:42.699
[SPEAKER_02]: And you need to implement decentralized command in your life.
20:43.179 --> 20:44.500
[SPEAKER_02]: The world is not going to fall apart.
20:44.860 --> 20:51.805
[SPEAKER_02]: So make time for your kids, make time for your spouse, make time for your family, make time for the people in your life that are most important.
20:51.825 --> 20:55.048
[SPEAKER_02]: And when you do that, you will lead and win.
00:00.715 --> 00:01.655
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm Jamie Cochran.
00:01.736 --> 00:02.656
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm Life Babin.
00:02.676 --> 00:03.436
[SPEAKER_00]: Mead Win.
00:03.516 --> 00:05.177
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm Extreme Watership podcast.
00:06.098 --> 00:10.360
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're back with another episode of the lead win podcast with Life Babin and Carlos Mendes.
00:10.900 --> 00:13.081
[SPEAKER_00]: And I want to touch on a topic today.
00:13.581 --> 00:15.362
[SPEAKER_00]: We talk a lot about combat and business.
00:15.422 --> 00:20.925
[SPEAKER_00]: We weave in some stories of family, but I want to anchor today on this idea of extreme ownership at home.
00:21.185 --> 00:34.154
[SPEAKER_00]: And the reason I want to talk about this today is because at the mustard, we were doing our standard panel, which is extreme ownership at home, and there was a gentleman in the audience who asked a question, and I'll give him a ton of credit because he was being very honest and very vulnerable.
00:34.614 --> 00:39.838
[SPEAKER_00]: But he shared the experience of what he was dealing with right now with four young children under the age of six.
00:40.378 --> 00:42.660
[SPEAKER_00]: And he described the scenario where he's coming home from work.
00:42.680 --> 00:43.860
[SPEAKER_00]: He's had a long day at work.
00:43.900 --> 00:48.303
[SPEAKER_00]: He's, you know, maybe coming back with some frustration from the work day.
00:48.664 --> 00:53.747
[SPEAKER_00]: And he's getting home and he's finding it really hard to engage with his family, to engage with his kids.
00:54.187 --> 01:00.952
[SPEAKER_00]: He described the situation as wanting to take his phone and go hide away while his son is yelling, hey, Papa, just wants to come play with him.
01:00.992 --> 01:04.374
[SPEAKER_00]: And this feeling of annoyance toward his kids.
01:05.575 --> 01:15.562
[SPEAKER_00]: And as he was asking the question, it was great that Dave Burke jumped in there and started answering because I found myself getting emotional as he asked the question because now I'm on the other side of this.
01:15.722 --> 01:21.787
[SPEAKER_00]: I've got a 17 almost 18 year old who's getting ready to leave the house and I am clamoring for time.
01:22.327 --> 01:26.890
[SPEAKER_00]: I am thinking through all of the decisions I've made in his life of have I done enough?
01:26.930 --> 01:28.151
[SPEAKER_00]: Have I prepared him enough?
01:28.631 --> 01:30.513
[SPEAKER_00]: Do I have the relationship necessary
01:33.935 --> 01:47.110
[SPEAKER_00]: And when I got back to me and to answer this question, I try to instill with this gentleman, the importance of what this relationship right now when it's difficult and hard and challenging in your kids are young and yeah, it's not easy and it's not fun all the time.
01:47.631 --> 01:53.638
[SPEAKER_00]: But how critical that is to build in that relationship now to set yourself up for success in the future.
01:53.718 --> 01:57.625
[SPEAKER_00]: So I want to talk a little bit about this culture of extreme ownership specific to our kids.
01:58.126 --> 02:03.856
[SPEAKER_00]: How do we build in that influence and how do we bring these principles to life with the people that matter the most to us?
02:05.303 --> 02:12.489
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, when you bring that up, it makes me think of my oldest son, which I've talked about in workshops and in some of these episodes.
02:13.290 --> 02:17.813
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, listen, I grew up very old school, both my parents are in the grants I grew up very old school.
02:17.854 --> 02:22.217
[SPEAKER_01]: So there was a ton of emphasis on discipline growing up.
02:22.898 --> 02:25.400
[SPEAKER_01]: So naturally, that's what I did with my son, right?
02:25.420 --> 02:26.561
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to be very disciplined.
02:26.581 --> 02:27.702
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was very hard on him.
02:27.762 --> 02:27.822
[SPEAKER_01]: And
02:28.462 --> 02:43.945
[SPEAKER_01]: It wasn't till much later where I started realizing that these principles apply at home as well That I started realizing you know what instead of doubling down on the discipline I need to double down on the relationship with him because only through having that relation Am I gonna have that influence over him and and listen?
02:44.005 --> 02:55.347
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a flawed human being so as much as I'd love to tell you that I'm awesome And I use these principles all the time at home is the hardest place to apply these because it's where you care the most It's where you're the most emotionally attached
02:56.326 --> 03:03.089
[SPEAKER_01]: But I'll share a couple of wins that I did have throughout is teenage years.
03:03.109 --> 03:06.390
[SPEAKER_01]: And I say the teenagers, because I truly think that those are the hardest or the teenage years.
03:06.430 --> 03:10.492
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'll give you one example that was telling Lave about another day.
03:11.452 --> 03:15.634
[SPEAKER_01]: My son, I guess told his mother, hey, I want to get a tattoo on my forearm.
03:15.674 --> 03:16.974
[SPEAKER_01]: He's 16 years old at the time.
03:17.034 --> 03:18.915
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, oh, I'm going to get a tattoo on my forearm.
03:19.908 --> 03:22.529
[SPEAKER_01]: And of course, his mom calls me, and she's like, you need to talk to your son.
03:22.929 --> 03:25.710
[SPEAKER_01]: He wants to get a tattoo, and she's telling me that's not like, okay, cool.
03:26.530 --> 03:33.613
[SPEAKER_01]: So luckily for me, I had to hop on a flight, so I had plenty of time to think about what I was gonna do.
03:34.173 --> 03:35.494
[SPEAKER_01]: So he gave me a force to touch that.
03:35.514 --> 03:37.374
[SPEAKER_01]: But he was forced to touch me for sure.
03:37.434 --> 03:41.876
[SPEAKER_01]: So I thought about it, so like I said, I had the advantage of having plenty of time to think about it on this four-hour flight.
03:42.976 --> 03:46.377
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I get off the fly, I call my son, and he's like, hey, what's up, Dad?
03:46.397 --> 03:47.638
[SPEAKER_01]: And he goes, I know what you're calling me.
03:48.589 --> 03:50.269
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, mom told you about the tattoo, didn't she?
03:50.690 --> 03:51.450
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, yeah, she did.
03:51.470 --> 03:52.330
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, dude, that's awesome.
03:52.350 --> 03:53.170
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's really cool.
03:54.151 --> 03:58.892
[SPEAKER_01]: And you could tell that, so we're faced time and so I could see his facial expressions and you could see that he's thrown off by it.
03:59.872 --> 04:03.613
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm like, hey, I'm gonna use this indirect approach that we use at work.
04:03.753 --> 04:04.673
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm gonna use it at home.
04:05.234 --> 04:07.774
[SPEAKER_01]: So I just started asking him some sincere questions.
04:07.954 --> 04:08.815
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's awesome, man.
04:09.055 --> 04:09.875
[SPEAKER_01]: Where are you gonna get it?
04:10.475 --> 04:14.219
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, oh, well, my friend's uncle is gonna do it and I was like, oh, that's good.
04:14.239 --> 04:16.100
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, what tattoo shop does he work at?
04:16.601 --> 04:21.465
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, well, he doesn't have a shop per se, but he's gonna do it in his garage.
04:22.106 --> 04:23.567
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, oh, that's interesting.
04:23.587 --> 04:26.529
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, do you know if he's gonna use the proper techniques?
04:26.589 --> 04:29.692
[SPEAKER_01]: If he's gonna use proper sterilizing, like, did you?
04:30.012 --> 04:32.214
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I'm really sure, and I'm like, okay, cool.
04:32.455 --> 04:37.059
[SPEAKER_01]: And I start asking with a few more questions about the things that you actually need to think about before you do something like that.
04:37.699 --> 04:39.441
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I asked him, oh, so where are you going to get it?
04:39.461 --> 04:40.422
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, oh, my form.
04:40.462 --> 04:41.463
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, oh, cool.
04:41.483 --> 04:42.584
[SPEAKER_01]: So everybody's going to be able to see that.
04:42.604 --> 04:42.865
[SPEAKER_01]: It's awesome.
04:42.885 --> 04:43.625
[SPEAKER_01]: What are you going to get?
04:44.026 --> 04:45.187
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, well, I'm not sure yet.
04:45.788 --> 04:47.209
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, man, okay.
04:47.229 --> 04:50.152
[SPEAKER_01]: So you haven't really thought about what you want to get, but you want to get on your form.
04:50.433 --> 04:51.714
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm walking him through all this.
04:52.375 --> 04:53.316
[SPEAKER_01]: And I said, listen, son.
04:54.883 --> 05:00.988
[SPEAKER_01]: If you want to get a tattoo, if you really want to get a tattoo, quite frankly there's nothing I could do to stop you, right?
05:01.028 --> 05:06.833
[SPEAKER_01]: You can go and get it done behind my back and you can do that and quite frankly, who am I to stop you from your happiness?
05:07.794 --> 05:08.755
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, you could do that.
05:09.495 --> 05:09.635
[SPEAKER_01]: Or...
05:10.536 --> 05:27.969
[SPEAKER_01]: if you wait until your 18 years old you and I can go to one of the best tattoo artists that I know and we can get you something meaningful that actually means something to you and get it done the appropriate way and then I got on Instagram and I showed him some some artists and he's like man this is awesome and then he's like yeah you know I'm gonna wait
05:29.110 --> 05:44.631
[SPEAKER_01]: and it's really cool to see that amount of influence still carry over now so now he's 18 he's out of the house and it's funny because one of his friends said told him that he's like man like let's go get tattoos and he was like no I'm going to say he said I'm going to wait for my dad to get my first tattoo and we're going to do it together.
05:45.672 --> 05:51.856
[SPEAKER_01]: So like seeing that, it worn my heart because you got to think about through teenagers and you have teenagers.
05:51.876 --> 05:52.817
[SPEAKER_01]: So you know what I'm talking about.
05:52.837 --> 05:58.040
[SPEAKER_01]: There are times where you're like, is anything getting through and it's not till later.
05:58.120 --> 06:12.069
[SPEAKER_01]: So I always tell parents just wait, just be consistent, stay the course, keep doing the right thing and eventually it'll start shining through in moments that you least expected and another one that I was telling you about.
06:13.251 --> 06:15.654
[SPEAKER_01]: him and I face time all the time now that he's moved out of the house.
06:16.075 --> 06:18.278
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're face timing and he's like, hey dad, check this out.
06:19.279 --> 06:24.687
[SPEAKER_01]: And he turns his screen, you know, around and he shows me his desk and it's got this posted on it.
06:25.168 --> 06:27.051
[SPEAKER_01]: And the post it says morning routine.
06:28.012 --> 06:31.016
[SPEAKER_01]: So I screenshot it at real quick and I showed it to my wife on my baby.
06:31.036 --> 06:32.117
[SPEAKER_01]: What does this look like to you?
06:32.738 --> 06:34.800
[SPEAKER_01]: She's like, that's your morning routine.
06:35.240 --> 06:42.829
[SPEAKER_01]: And I said, I know, do you know how long it took me to try to get him to stick to this morning routine while he was here and he resisted?
06:42.889 --> 06:47.434
[SPEAKER_01]: And then finally, you know, I just let him be and now he's doing it on his own.
06:48.255 --> 06:56.146
[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the most satisfying comments that he's made to me, you know, since he's moved out of the house, it's like, Dad, everything that you said was going to happen.
06:56.167 --> 06:57.508
[SPEAKER_01]: It was going to happen.
06:57.528 --> 06:59.431
[SPEAKER_01]: It happened exactly the way you said it was.
06:59.451 --> 07:03.277
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, I hate how you've been right every single time so far.
07:04.767 --> 07:11.174
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a challenge, is that we have to set the foundation super early even when they push against it and they don't want to hear it.
07:11.594 --> 07:19.923
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think about this poor dad who's struggling to build this relationship with his family and what's not going to look like when they're teenagers and you have less and less and less control.
07:20.583 --> 07:25.608
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm constantly looking at the relationship with my kids of what do I actually want out of this relationship?
07:26.369 --> 07:36.516
[SPEAKER_00]: I love how you describe this scenario of trying to influence your son in a way that feels very, probably inauthentic to how you wanted to react in that situation, which is, no, you're 16, you're not getting into tattoo.
07:36.536 --> 07:37.837
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
07:38.377 --> 07:42.520
[SPEAKER_00]: And yet, anchoring on what do I want this relationship to look like in the long run?
07:42.600 --> 07:54.568
[SPEAKER_00]: Because what I want more than anything is for my kids to see me as a resource, for my kids to want to come and talk to me about the challenges that they're having, because I know I'm going to have a much better perspective than their friends who don't know anything about the world.
07:55.408 --> 08:09.939
[SPEAKER_00]: And in order to build that kind of trust and that foundation of that relationship, I have to start with what am I doing now at 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 years old that's going to set that up in the long run when their teenagers and you don't have the control that you want to happen.
08:11.535 --> 08:16.157
[SPEAKER_02]: I think that's spot on and it seems like you've got all the time in the world and you don't, right?
08:16.177 --> 08:16.817
[SPEAKER_02]: You really don't.
08:17.017 --> 08:17.898
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a blink.
08:18.278 --> 08:22.900
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I've got my, well, this is not kind of on the doors of a teenager to hear very soon.
08:22.920 --> 08:35.966
[SPEAKER_02]: And my daughter actually had a conversation with me recently, just about just about the popular girls in school and, you know, and I was like, oh, this is cool that she's open up to me about this and I'm just going to ask questions and listen.
08:36.526 --> 08:51.341
[SPEAKER_02]: So rather than me, try to provide some guidance, I'm just going to listen to what she has to say and understand what you may be some of the challenges are at the school and some of the things that she's concerned about and it all seems like just such minor things like from my perspective, but it's not to her.
08:52.101 --> 08:53.283
[SPEAKER_02]: It's very meaningful to her.
08:53.923 --> 08:57.487
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think it's really important to think about that foundation starting right now.
08:58.007 --> 09:13.195
[SPEAKER_02]: of, you know, the trustless and respect influence care, knowing that, you know, just making that time for your kids, there's no, whatever you're doing at work, just pales in comparison to the leadership responsibilities that you have as a parent at home, as a
09:13.535 --> 09:14.556
[SPEAKER_02]: as a spouse at home.
09:14.937 --> 09:18.720
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think that is just something that I think you can never take lightly.
09:18.800 --> 09:20.942
[SPEAKER_02]: And if you think about the time that you have with them, right?
09:21.323 --> 09:24.446
[SPEAKER_02]: If you're coming home from work at, let's say, you get home at five o'clock in the afternoon.
09:24.466 --> 09:25.407
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe it's five thirty.
09:25.807 --> 09:35.796
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, if you work a little longer day, it's six, but you probably don't have, you know, after a commute and coming home from work and your kids you come home from school or ball practice, whatever it is,
09:36.657 --> 09:51.182
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't have a lot of time and so I find myself getting sucked in on my phone or to an email or things like that and yet I think man my kids, you know, I'm trying to put him in bad at eight thirty or nine o'clock at night You know, that's the goal sometimes that doesn't all often Go back and they're actual teenagers
09:53.383 --> 10:00.425
[SPEAKER_02]: But I think that, you know, if it's, if it's for me just spending just a few hours out of the day with them, I can put my phone away.
10:00.525 --> 10:06.627
[SPEAKER_02]: I can, I can shut my laptop, I can, I can put them to bed and then open my laptop and get whatever work done I need to.
10:07.347 --> 10:10.408
[SPEAKER_02]: Or try to get what I can done at the office so that I, when I come home.
10:10.948 --> 10:19.675
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm prioritizing them, and I think if you don't think about that from a strategic perspective, we talk about detachment, right, in a previous episode, the power of detachment.
10:19.975 --> 10:28.322
[SPEAKER_02]: If you don't think about that from a strategic perspective and detachment from your emotions, you're tired, you feel a spent from work.
10:29.122 --> 10:37.447
[SPEAKER_02]: Man, that is the most important leadership rule that you have, and you've got to make time for that, or it's It's going to be gone by the time they're teenagers or they're out of the house.
10:37.887 --> 10:41.389
[SPEAKER_02]: You're not going to have any relationship with them, and your ability to influence them is zero.
10:41.549 --> 10:46.912
[SPEAKER_00]: I heard once that at a certain age you start to calculate how many times you see your parents in a year, which
10:47.172 --> 10:51.233
[SPEAKER_00]: the older that you get, it's less and less, and less you happen to live close to your parents.
10:51.654 --> 10:53.814
[SPEAKER_00]: My parents live on the other side of the country.
10:53.874 --> 11:01.497
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we see them maybe two times a year, and you start to calculate, how many more times are you seeing them before they inevitably will pass on?
11:02.057 --> 11:03.858
[SPEAKER_00]: And when you do the calculation, it's...
11:04.378 --> 11:06.159
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so sad to me.
11:06.619 --> 11:10.980
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I span that out to include that in my kids when my son turns 18 and he goes to college.
11:11.600 --> 11:15.481
[SPEAKER_00]: Now what you're seeing him, a handful of times a year, maybe five, six, seven times.
11:15.821 --> 11:28.725
[SPEAKER_00]: And then as the years go on, that becomes four times and three times and two times and one time, or if he's going off and, you know, you guys served in deployments, you're gone for six, seven months at a time, a year, the times that you have are numbered.
11:30.145 --> 11:44.874
[SPEAKER_00]: And when you start to picture it in that sense, you start to realize that the time you have now is of the utmost importance so that they want to come home and they want to be a part of that relationship for the long run because it's just fleeting it goes by so fast.
11:45.394 --> 11:56.523
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think the other piece of this is not just what extreme ownership in these principles bring to your ability in the home to bring these principles to life, gives you a little bit more control and how you prioritize those things properly.
11:56.643 --> 11:58.785
[SPEAKER_00]: It's also the gift that we can give our kids.
11:59.465 --> 12:04.449
[SPEAKER_00]: The gift of ownership and helping them understand what ownership looks like in their life is so critical.
12:04.550 --> 12:10.214
[SPEAKER_00]: Think about if we all had these principles at 16, 17, 18, the mistakes that we could have avoided.
12:10.354 --> 12:14.838
[SPEAKER_00]: So I look at this now as it's not just for myself and the relationship with my kids,
12:15.358 --> 12:16.038
[SPEAKER_00]: It's for them.
12:16.179 --> 12:22.141
[SPEAKER_00]: How do I influence them in a way that allows them to take ownership properly in their life and avoid some of the stakes that I made?
12:23.322 --> 12:35.288
[SPEAKER_02]: Jocco talks about letting your kids brush up against the guardrails of failure, and I think it's a really hard thing to do as a parent, and that doesn't mean you're not going to let your kid run into the highway to learn to look both ways before they cross the road.
12:35.308 --> 12:39.310
[SPEAKER_02]: We're not talking about letting them do something that's catastrophic and it's going to injure them in some way.
12:40.110 --> 12:48.115
[SPEAKER_02]: But on the other hand, rather than getting an argument with your toddler about whether they should put their jacket on when it's cold outside, you can just let them go outside cool.
12:48.375 --> 12:49.416
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't want to put your jacket on, go.
12:49.856 --> 12:51.937
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't want to get the consequences.
12:51.977 --> 12:54.919
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, two minutes later, you're going to come back inside and say, I want to put my jacket on.
12:55.319 --> 13:01.443
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think it's, you need to let your kids brush up against guardrails of failure and use that indirect approach.
13:01.883 --> 13:06.366
[SPEAKER_02]: And so often we're trying to save our kids from learning things a hard way the way that we might have.
13:07.026 --> 13:16.918
[SPEAKER_02]: But all of these things definitely apply, all of these things apply in such a way just empowering them to take ownership of the things in their lives.
13:17.679 --> 13:22.445
[SPEAKER_02]: My wife Jenner and I were just talking about the fact that our kids are so much more capable than we think they are.
13:22.505 --> 13:26.530
[SPEAKER_02]: And so often we do things for them and whether it's, you know, prepping their their, their,
13:27.010 --> 13:30.732
[SPEAKER_02]: Their sports gear or getting their lunch is ready for school.
13:31.072 --> 13:33.133
[SPEAKER_02]: They're more than capable of doing all that stuff themselves.
13:33.513 --> 13:40.575
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think we have to teach them at the youngest age possible to be self-reliant, to take care of themselves, so that they can solve problems themselves.
13:40.876 --> 13:43.437
[SPEAKER_02]: Otherwise, they're just depending on us for their whole lives.
13:44.037 --> 13:49.179
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's, that we're not setting them up for success when they go out on their own in life.
13:49.239 --> 13:52.160
[SPEAKER_02]: I think it's a super important thing to think about as a parent.
13:53.362 --> 13:58.906
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, one of the things that I really harp on at my house is I was raising my kids and raised my oldest was decision-making.
13:58.966 --> 14:00.947
[SPEAKER_01]: I talked about this a lot during my workshops.
14:01.667 --> 14:07.271
[SPEAKER_01]: I need my kids to be able to make good decisions because at some point I'm not going to be around.
14:07.571 --> 14:17.077
[SPEAKER_01]: And if I don't let them practice making those decisions when the stakes are low, how could they possibly know how to make these decisions when the stakes are high and they're out of the house and I'm not around.
14:17.372 --> 14:21.794
[SPEAKER_00]: I think part of that is giving our kids a ton of choices and opportunities to take ownership for themselves.
14:22.294 --> 14:30.278
[SPEAKER_00]: Part of that as a parent is also recognizing that this whole effort to bring extreme ownership principles into our family lives is a long-term campaign.
14:30.778 --> 14:31.859
[SPEAKER_00]: We're dealing with kids.
14:32.579 --> 15:00.033
[SPEAKER_00]: they're crazy at times and sometimes I joke with clients who will say well we're not in war and it's like man racing kid sometimes feels like you're in war feels like it feels like you're in combat I don't know what that's like but it feels like this is a chaotic and crazy environment with you know little landmines all around but what's important is remembering that this is a long-term campaign and I've been around these principles for 13 years I've been trying to instill these in my kids and say where you little all that's 17 year old was
15:00.713 --> 15:03.657
[SPEAKER_00]: four ones at echelon front and learning these principles and hearing them.
15:04.197 --> 15:09.424
[SPEAKER_00]: And throughout my time, I've gotten little glimpses of ownership, but it's not innate in who we are.
15:09.444 --> 15:10.685
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not part of our human nature.
15:10.725 --> 15:16.372
[SPEAKER_00]: So I have to have a lot of grace with my kids that this isn't part of just what people are born with, this ability to take ownership.
15:16.512 --> 15:26.600
[SPEAKER_00]: And what I've found over time is that if you just are consistent and you're just patient with it, you can start to see little moments where you see, okay, we're seeing it come through.
15:27.041 --> 15:30.864
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll get an example on one day where my kid will take ownership of something.
15:30.904 --> 15:36.609
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, truly, I have email screenshots of text messages so I can go back and remind myself, like, he did it once, right?
15:37.229 --> 15:39.369
[SPEAKER_00]: And it'll say, like, hey, mom, that's totally on me.
15:39.409 --> 15:40.010
[SPEAKER_00]: That's my fault.
15:40.030 --> 15:40.890
[SPEAKER_00]: And he'll take ownership.
15:40.910 --> 15:43.830
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll get the sense of, okay, my job now as a mom is done.
15:44.310 --> 15:46.411
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the very next day, something will happen.
15:46.811 --> 15:49.871
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's my fault because I moved something or he can't find something.
15:49.931 --> 15:52.632
[SPEAKER_00]: And I am reminded, this is part of our journey.
15:52.972 --> 15:56.312
[SPEAKER_00]: This is part of this effort of learning how to take ownership is at some days.
15:56.332 --> 15:56.752
[SPEAKER_00]: You get it.
15:56.872 --> 15:58.033
[SPEAKER_00]: The next day, you fail at it.
15:58.453 --> 16:02.253
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's what we have to do as leaders in our homes as recognize that this isn't innate.
16:02.513 --> 16:06.354
[SPEAKER_00]: And it takes time and consistency to build in that habit of taking ownership.
16:07.568 --> 16:16.719
[SPEAKER_02]: I think one thing to keep in mind as well is that it's far less important than what you say and far more important than what you do because your kids are emulating you.
16:17.019 --> 16:20.884
[SPEAKER_02]: And these are the principles you want to do and your kids you have to do them as well.
16:21.184 --> 16:25.069
[SPEAKER_02]: So if I don't want my kids to lose control of their emotions, I got to control my emotions.
16:27.412 --> 16:28.794
[SPEAKER_02]: You see, I'm in control my most.
16:28.814 --> 16:30.176
[SPEAKER_02]: There's times when I lose control my most.
16:30.196 --> 16:31.998
[SPEAKER_02]: But I lose my temper, I get mad about something.
16:32.619 --> 16:34.582
[SPEAKER_02]: And when that happens, I get to take ownership.
16:34.722 --> 16:38.367
[SPEAKER_02]: When I screw things up, if I want them to take ownership, I get to take ownership.
16:38.427 --> 16:40.931
[SPEAKER_02]: I get to talk about what I screwed up.
16:41.351 --> 16:42.713
[SPEAKER_02]: And here's what I'm going to fix that going forward.
16:42.733 --> 16:43.314
[SPEAKER_02]: Here's what I'm going to do.
16:43.394 --> 16:46.535
[SPEAKER_02]: what I'm going to do to prevent that from happening in the future.
16:47.116 --> 16:48.716
[SPEAKER_02]: These are things that we actually have to do.
16:49.557 --> 16:58.740
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think about the example that you gave of this gentleman that wants to be on his phone and it's kind of looking at that is I get sucked in being on my phone.
16:59.281 --> 17:02.042
[SPEAKER_02]: I realized that was a problem for my kids even when they were very little.
17:02.622 --> 17:12.912
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, they would cut out cardboard from like a shoe box or something and like draw a like mock cell phone And then that's what they would be playing on their playing like they're in the cell phone.
17:13.212 --> 17:13.453
[SPEAKER_02]: Why?
17:13.473 --> 17:23.042
[SPEAKER_02]: Because they see their mom and dad on cell phones all the time and it's funny We joke sometimes right that like an old school rotary phone like I grew up with as a kid My kids don't even know what that is
17:23.522 --> 17:32.938
[SPEAKER_02]: They have no idea, because to them, a telephone is this little touch screen, you know, box that people carry in their pocket, you know, our cell phones or iPhones, whatever it is.
17:32.958 --> 17:34.901
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think that, uh,
17:35.888 --> 17:45.591
[SPEAKER_02]: One of the things that annoys me and I think it's been so destructive in our society is when you look at a group of teenagers today and they're sitting in a group, they're all doing like this, right?
17:45.611 --> 17:46.751
[SPEAKER_02]: They're just scrolling on their phone.
17:47.091 --> 17:48.211
[SPEAKER_02]: They're not even looking at each other.
17:48.231 --> 17:50.312
[SPEAKER_02]: They're like, they're like texting amongst each other.
17:50.372 --> 18:01.135
[SPEAKER_02]: Even though they're sitting just inches apart from each other when they could actually be looking at each other and engaging with each other and building relationships with each other and sharing stores with each other and they're all, they're just doing it on their phone.
18:01.655 --> 18:03.896
[SPEAKER_02]: And I know that's annoying to a lot of people in my generation.
18:03.976 --> 18:04.296
[SPEAKER_02]: And yet,
18:05.491 --> 18:07.572
[SPEAKER_02]: look what you're doing, setting example to your kids, right?
18:07.592 --> 18:11.133
[SPEAKER_02]: Instead of you're showing that what do you think your teenagers are going to do?
18:11.313 --> 18:20.177
[SPEAKER_02]: How can I tell my kids when their teenagers not to be on their phones if I'm on my phone when I come home from work and they're trying to talk to me and engage with me?
18:20.637 --> 18:22.718
[SPEAKER_02]: So you can't expect them to do any different.
18:22.738 --> 18:26.920
[SPEAKER_02]: So you have to accept the example and it's far more important what you do than what you say.
18:27.456 --> 18:28.858
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we tell leaders all the time.
18:28.918 --> 18:31.160
[SPEAKER_00]: You overestimate the strength of your relationships.
18:31.821 --> 18:36.667
[SPEAKER_00]: I see this happen all the time in our families because these relationships are already established.
18:37.127 --> 18:38.769
[SPEAKER_00]: We overestimate the strength of them.
18:39.090 --> 18:43.355
[SPEAKER_00]: And we're not prioritizing the time with our families and particularly with our kids that we need to be.
18:43.555 --> 18:49.117
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a huge advocate of family dinners, bringing that back, sitting around a table and having a meal.
18:49.357 --> 19:05.562
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, we overestimate the strength of those relationships and small things like that, just spending time prioritizing that effort with your kids, that opportunity to influence them, building in that relationship, that's what's going to set the foundation when they're young, that's going to set you up for success when they're adults and they're out on their own.
19:05.822 --> 19:09.983
[SPEAKER_02]: The thing I love most, Carlos, about the example that you gave is it's the power of the indirect approach.
19:10.023 --> 19:16.424
[SPEAKER_02]: That is, is thinking about how do you best get people to do what they need to do in order to be successful?
19:16.804 --> 19:23.125
[SPEAKER_02]: And it is, it is usually the opposite of what we think, which is like insist on doing it my way and going with that direct approach.
19:23.845 --> 19:29.206
[SPEAKER_02]: And we had a, we had a leader in a, a muster, a year or two back who asked a question.
19:29.226 --> 19:32.066
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, how do I get my 15-year-old just to listen to me?
19:35.447 --> 19:38.073
[SPEAKER_02]: Did you listen to your dad when you were 15 years old?
19:38.654 --> 19:39.857
[SPEAKER_02]: And as he thought about that, he was like,
19:40.973 --> 19:43.013
[SPEAKER_02]: No, and I was like, I didn't know I definitely didn't, right?
19:43.033 --> 19:45.534
[SPEAKER_02]: My dad tried to tell me things and I pushed back on that.
19:45.554 --> 19:49.955
[SPEAKER_02]: I thought I knew better and so why would we expect in any difference?
19:49.975 --> 20:09.819
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think the power of that indirect approach and it's so hard to do because you care so much about your kids and you're emotionally attached to them, but if you think about how what is the most effective means of getting people to do what you need them to do and it is not the direct approach but the indirect approach asking questions and allowing them to reveal the truth to themselves.
20:10.211 --> 20:20.064
[SPEAKER_00]: And that brings us to our iPad, our immediate action drove for the week, which is to spend time this week re assessing your priorities, especially within your families.
20:20.464 --> 20:25.311
[SPEAKER_00]: And make sure that you're prioritizing those relationships with your kids for the long-term success.
20:26.372 --> 20:28.034
[SPEAKER_02]: Car about some time for your kids.
20:29.229 --> 20:33.212
[SPEAKER_02]: be disciplined to put your phone away, close your laptop, you can be away.
20:33.552 --> 20:40.237
[SPEAKER_02]: If you can't be away from your computer, your phone for an hour and a half or two hours of time, that is a problem.
20:40.557 --> 20:42.699
[SPEAKER_02]: And you need to implement decentralized command in your life.
20:43.179 --> 20:44.500
[SPEAKER_02]: The world is not going to fall apart.
20:44.860 --> 20:51.805
[SPEAKER_02]: So make time for your kids, make time for your spouse, make time for your family, make time for the people in your life that are most important.
20:51.825 --> 20:55.048
[SPEAKER_02]: And when you do that, you will lead and win.
