WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.279
I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older children in their 20s and 30s who are struggling.
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:21.280
Each week we explore subjects that are designed to help you understand what is going on with your adult child, and we offer you suggestions that will get them moving forward.
00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:24.800
My guests all have something valuable to share with you.
00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:36.960
And it's not just because they're experts in their fields, but because they are truly invested in helping you communicate, connect, and guide your adult child through this challenging time.
00:00:37.359 --> 00:00:44.799
If this is your first time listening to launch or your 95th, I want you to know that you found your tribe.
00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:59.679
You might be sitting alone in your car or out for a walk, but there are thousands of parents around the world who are right here with you, all ready and willing to learn what they can do to help their adult child thrive.
00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:02.240
So take a deep breath in.
00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:07.599
I mean literally, because if you do the work, stick to the plan.
00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:10.079
You will all get through this.
00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:21.120
Today's episode is a topic that almost every parent with an adult child who is not moving forward has to hear, which is why I want to talk about it.
00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:23.359
And yes, it's just me.
00:01:23.599 --> 00:01:28.079
This is by far one of the hardest conversations you'll ever have.
00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:30.560
And it begins with this statement.
00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:33.599
We need a plan.
00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:36.319
Notice I didn't say you.
00:01:50.319 --> 00:01:51.599
Oh, they do.
00:01:52.079 --> 00:01:55.680
It's because of the reactions they know they're going to get.
00:01:55.920 --> 00:02:00.480
But let's be honest, you can't avoid this discussion any longer.
00:02:00.799 --> 00:02:05.200
Or perhaps I should say, you have to revisit it again.
00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:07.359
Because many parents have tried.
00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:15.199
They've had the heart-to-heart conversations, the motivational pep talks, and they really thought they got through to them.
00:02:15.360 --> 00:02:20.400
But as soon as you close that bedroom door, poof, it all vanishes.
00:02:20.560 --> 00:02:27.280
It's like that scene from that movie Memento, where the main character has entero grade amnesia.
00:02:27.439 --> 00:02:28.560
Hope I'm saying that right.
00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:32.639
It's a condition that prevents him from forming new memories.
00:02:32.800 --> 00:02:42.719
So his brain lives in this continuous loop of the present moment without any recollection of what just happened or what anyone said to him.
00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:51.360
If you ever saw it, you'll recall that the only way around it is for him to put up sticky notes to keep visually reminding himself.
00:02:51.599 --> 00:02:53.919
Anyway, keep that in mind for later.
00:02:54.240 --> 00:03:04.560
Well, that's what it's like for many parents, except that most, if not all, of these young adults struggle with emotional dysregulation, not memory problems.
00:03:04.719 --> 00:03:09.680
And so they don't respond well when their parents bring up topics that they don't want to deal with.
00:03:09.840 --> 00:03:11.759
And this one is huge.
00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:26.479
So if you've tried, dealt with their reactions, then left them alone, waiting for another opportunity, or hoped that they would do something on their own, this episode might inspire you to try a different approach.
00:03:26.800 --> 00:03:30.000
Because I don't want you putting this on hold any longer.
00:03:30.240 --> 00:03:38.479
Furthermore, walking on eggshells, avoiding them, and worrying every night needs to end too.
00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:43.680
Otherwise, another year will pass where you're paying most of their living expenses.
00:03:43.919 --> 00:03:53.759
And whether your adult kids are living at home or on their own, they can't just keep depending on you for everything while doing nothing with their lives.
00:03:54.080 --> 00:03:55.759
You know this is true.
00:03:56.080 --> 00:04:00.800
Their sedentary installed lifestyle, it has to change.
00:04:01.039 --> 00:04:07.360
And if I know you at all, there's something inside of you that wonders, why is this my problem?
00:04:07.840 --> 00:04:10.960
Why can't they manage their life on their own?
00:04:11.280 --> 00:04:14.719
These questions run through every parent's mind.
00:04:14.960 --> 00:04:17.360
Here's something you might find comforting.
00:04:17.680 --> 00:04:22.560
Most parents I speak to really don't understand their own kids.
00:04:22.800 --> 00:04:30.720
It doesn't make sense to them why their adult child has so much trouble with simple daily tasks that are so easy.
00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:34.480
They also wonder how their kids can sit home all day.
00:04:34.720 --> 00:04:36.160
Well, here's the thing.
00:04:36.480 --> 00:04:41.680
You might never understand your adult child, and I want you to know that's okay.
00:04:41.920 --> 00:04:44.959
Our kids aren't carbon copies of us.
00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:51.279
Your role here is to not try to make them just like you, nor is it to fix them.
00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:58.720
Your responsibility as their parent is to have the courage to start the conversation again.
00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:05.519
Then manage your own emotional reactions while you continue to stay on course.
00:05:05.839 --> 00:05:11.519
Today I'm going to share what you shouldn't say and what you can say instead.
00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:15.839
But I gotta be honest with you, this part is only the beginning.
00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:20.480
It's the follow-up and the follow-through that make the real difference.
00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:27.680
Parents who quit when it gets too hard find themselves with young adults who become stalled again.
00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:33.040
The parents who I'm working with now, they know that there's a lot to this process.
00:05:33.199 --> 00:05:39.199
But I also know that there are many parents who like to try things on their own, and this episode is for you.
00:05:39.439 --> 00:05:45.439
However, when you're ready to go deeper and you're looking for long-term results, I'm here.
00:05:45.680 --> 00:05:52.079
So before we get into what to say to start the conversation, let's be clear about what to leave out.
00:05:52.399 --> 00:06:03.600
First, this is not the time to remind your adult child of their age, compare them to their friends or siblings, or tell them that their life has been a wasteland.
00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:08.399
I want to stop here for a moment to see if anyone in my generation gets that reference.
00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:10.720
If you don't, I'll explain it.
00:06:10.879 --> 00:06:16.959
There's a song that most of us know as Teenage Wasteland, written by Pete Townsend of The Who.
00:06:17.439 --> 00:06:24.000
After Woodstock, he saw the grounds were covered in garbage and teenagers were strung out on drugs.
00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:32.000
This song is about young people wasting their years and throwing away their potential because of apathy and inaction.
00:06:32.399 --> 00:06:38.720
Even though they were complaining about the state of the world back then, they were doing nothing to change it.
00:06:39.040 --> 00:06:42.399
This song was written in 1971.
00:06:42.560 --> 00:06:45.040
That's more than 50 years ago.
00:06:45.279 --> 00:06:48.160
Today, these aren't just teenagers anymore.
00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:58.879
It's your adult child who's quietly wasting away in their bedroom, complaining about their life and the economy, but with no plans to change anything.
00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:06.160
But we're not about to tell them that, even if we're thinking it, because we don't want to make them feel any worse than they already do.
00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:08.480
Which brings me to my next point.
00:07:08.879 --> 00:07:13.839
Keep your judgments, personal opinions, and criticism out of it.
00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:19.120
That will only add to their shame because they already feel your disappointment.
00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:29.199
And last, stop offering suggestions, sending them job postings, or telling them you don't care what they do, just do something with your life.
00:07:29.439 --> 00:07:31.759
None of that has worked up till now.
00:07:32.079 --> 00:07:36.800
In fact, all this has ever done is trigger a negative reaction.
00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:39.360
You know, triggering goes both ways.
00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:41.920
You're also triggered by their lifestyle.
00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:46.800
Watching them do nothing all day sets off all kinds of alarms in your head.
00:07:46.959 --> 00:07:49.199
And maybe you even shared these sentiments.
00:07:49.439 --> 00:07:51.120
That's not how I was raised.
00:07:51.279 --> 00:07:55.199
My father would have kicked me out of my ass if he saw me sitting around all day.
00:07:55.439 --> 00:08:02.959
In fact, you know that if this was someone else's situation, you'd be saying things like, What's wrong with that kid?
00:08:03.120 --> 00:08:04.240
Why aren't they working?
00:08:04.399 --> 00:08:05.600
They should learn a trade.
00:08:05.839 --> 00:08:09.279
If that were mine, well you get my point.
00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:10.480
It was Dr.
00:08:10.639 --> 00:08:19.120
Mark McConville from Episode 88 who suggests to his clients that they should look at their kid as if they aren't their own.
00:08:19.279 --> 00:08:22.399
Treat them like you're hosting a young adult living in your home.
00:08:22.639 --> 00:08:25.439
What behaviors would you never tolerate?
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Where would you draw the line?
00:08:27.439 --> 00:08:31.439
And ask yourself now, why am I accepting any of this?
00:08:31.680 --> 00:08:35.759
Here are three things that you can focus on when having the conversation with them.
00:08:36.080 --> 00:08:39.360
First is the reality of the current situation.
00:08:39.919 --> 00:08:43.600
State the facts calmly and without commentary.
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At this point, it's not how you feel about it or what it says about them.
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Just what is facts.
00:08:51.679 --> 00:08:55.039
You've been living like this for X amount of years.
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Your life is not moving forward.
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Whatever you're doing is clearly not working for you.
00:09:02.320 --> 00:09:07.600
Second, state what you can no longer enable or tolerate in your house.
00:09:07.840 --> 00:09:09.759
Be clear and specific.
00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:14.559
This is where you take ownership for allowing it to go on for so long.
00:09:14.879 --> 00:09:18.639
When you own your own part, it's no longer an attack.
00:09:18.879 --> 00:09:21.519
It's the beginning of a relationship reset.
00:09:21.759 --> 00:09:24.559
It's saying we're going to change.
00:09:24.720 --> 00:09:28.159
Therefore, things around here will change too.
00:09:28.480 --> 00:09:37.039
And third, your adult needs to hear that you see them as capable of doing whatever they set their mind to.
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That you believe they can do hard things.
00:09:40.720 --> 00:09:43.600
That's how you finish your part of the conversation.
00:09:44.000 --> 00:09:51.279
I can't tell you how often parents have said to me, I've told my kid he's smart and he should become this or do that.
00:09:51.440 --> 00:09:55.600
I tell them all the time they could work at this job or get hired at that one.
00:09:55.840 --> 00:09:57.440
Well, you know what I hear?
00:09:57.679 --> 00:10:02.320
I hear a parent who's telling their kid what they think they should do.
00:10:02.559 --> 00:10:04.480
Father knows best, right?
00:10:04.879 --> 00:10:05.200
No.
00:10:05.679 --> 00:10:07.919
Unfortunately not at this stage.
00:10:08.240 --> 00:10:12.559
Now is when you have to let them come up with their ideas.
00:10:12.879 --> 00:10:18.559
Step back and invite your adult child to decide what they're going to do with their life.
00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:34.080
Your role is to do the following to say the waiting is over, their life is not moving forward, you're going to help them with a plan because we know they won't do it on their own, and you are setting time limits.
00:10:34.480 --> 00:10:38.720
Because without any urgency, there will never be movement.
00:10:39.279 --> 00:10:40.639
One more thing.
00:10:40.960 --> 00:10:45.200
You don't have to defend yourself and explain why you need this to happen.
00:10:45.519 --> 00:10:49.679
First, you sound guilty, and honestly, they don't care.
00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:52.879
They want life to stay exactly as it is.
00:10:53.120 --> 00:10:54.480
Don't sell the house.
00:10:54.639 --> 00:10:56.000
You don't need the money.
00:10:56.159 --> 00:10:59.120
Don't tell them you want to retire or travel.
00:10:59.279 --> 00:11:01.120
They'll say you're being selfish.
00:11:01.440 --> 00:11:04.320
Don't give them any reason to engage.
00:11:04.639 --> 00:11:08.080
This is about them starting their life.
00:11:08.320 --> 00:11:10.639
Here's what you need to be prepared for.
00:11:10.879 --> 00:11:13.360
They won't have the answers right away.
00:11:13.600 --> 00:11:15.039
They will react.
00:11:15.279 --> 00:11:24.960
They will need some time to come up with what their next steps must be, which is why you will not walk away until you have set another time to sit down again.
00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:29.200
You are assisting with their game plan, not writing it.
00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:31.919
Setting dates is imperative.
00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:34.399
Remember the sticky notes from Memento?
00:11:34.720 --> 00:11:45.600
They need to write the plan down and put the next date on a calendar because what's said in that conversation will only be remembered on paper.
00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:50.720
These are questions you need to consider before you sit down with your adult child.
00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:52.559
So be prepared.
00:11:53.279 --> 00:11:56.159
What needs to change about the current arrangement?
00:11:56.399 --> 00:12:00.720
What are you willing and able to continue providing as they get on their feet?
00:12:01.039 --> 00:12:06.639
And what will you do after repeated discussions if nothing changes?
00:12:06.960 --> 00:12:14.480
As I come to a close, I want to remind you that there isn't one timeline or one arrangement that works for every family.
00:12:14.720 --> 00:12:22.399
But there does need to be an honest conversation about the reality of their situation and what must change.
00:12:22.720 --> 00:12:26.639
You are not forcing your adult child into independence overnight.
00:12:26.960 --> 00:12:36.159
The goal is for them to stop treating their current living arrangement and lifestyle as though it can continue forever without a plan.
00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:45.120
So be honest about what you're observing, what you're concerned about, and what needs to change in your home and in the way you provide support.
00:12:45.519 --> 00:12:54.960
Recognize that loving your adult child doesn't require you to remain silent about a situation that is keeping them stalled.
00:12:55.279 --> 00:13:02.000
Sometimes the most loving thing that you can do is stop pretending that everything is fine.
00:13:02.320 --> 00:13:09.279
Because continuing without having this conversation is not moving either of you toward a solution.
00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:17.360
And if you're thinking, I know I need to have this conversation, but I still don't know how to begin, you can always reach out to me.
00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:26.720
But if you're ready to tackle this next step on your own, don't expect to resolve years of stagnation in one conversation.
00:13:27.200 --> 00:13:37.519
Ask them what they want for their future and set the wheels in motion by sitting down with them and saying, It's time we make a plan.
00:13:38.799 --> 00:13:42.639
I'm Sherry Jonas and this is Launch.
00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:49.919
Registration for the next free launch masterclass is open if you're interested.
00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:59.600
The link is simply parentingfx.com forward slash register, or you can always grab the link in the show notes.
00:13:59.919 --> 00:14:05.679
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another parent who might need to hear it.
00:14:05.919 --> 00:14:09.440
Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:16.799
And if you love listening to launch, leaving a five star review or comment helps other parents to find us.
00:14:17.039 --> 00:14:21.519
As always, thank you for being here from wherever that may be.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.279
I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older children in their 20s and 30s who are struggling.
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:21.280
Each week we explore subjects that are designed to help you understand what is going on with your adult child, and we offer you suggestions that will get them moving forward.
00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:24.800
My guests all have something valuable to share with you.
00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:36.960
And it's not just because they're experts in their fields, but because they are truly invested in helping you communicate, connect, and guide your adult child through this challenging time.
00:00:37.359 --> 00:00:44.799
If this is your first time listening to launch or your 95th, I want you to know that you found your tribe.
00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:59.679
You might be sitting alone in your car or out for a walk, but there are thousands of parents around the world who are right here with you, all ready and willing to learn what they can do to help their adult child thrive.
00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:02.240
So take a deep breath in.
00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:07.599
I mean literally, because if you do the work, stick to the plan.
00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:10.079
You will all get through this.
00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:21.120
Today's episode is a topic that almost every parent with an adult child who is not moving forward has to hear, which is why I want to talk about it.
00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:23.359
And yes, it's just me.
00:01:23.599 --> 00:01:28.079
This is by far one of the hardest conversations you'll ever have.
00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:30.560
And it begins with this statement.
00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:33.599
We need a plan.
00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:36.319
Notice I didn't say you.
00:01:50.319 --> 00:01:51.599
Oh, they do.
00:01:52.079 --> 00:01:55.680
It's because of the reactions they know they're going to get.
00:01:55.920 --> 00:02:00.480
But let's be honest, you can't avoid this discussion any longer.
00:02:00.799 --> 00:02:05.200
Or perhaps I should say, you have to revisit it again.
00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:07.359
Because many parents have tried.
00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:15.199
They've had the heart-to-heart conversations, the motivational pep talks, and they really thought they got through to them.
00:02:15.360 --> 00:02:20.400
But as soon as you close that bedroom door, poof, it all vanishes.
00:02:20.560 --> 00:02:27.280
It's like that scene from that movie Memento, where the main character has entero grade amnesia.
00:02:27.439 --> 00:02:28.560
Hope I'm saying that right.
00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:32.639
It's a condition that prevents him from forming new memories.
00:02:32.800 --> 00:02:42.719
So his brain lives in this continuous loop of the present moment without any recollection of what just happened or what anyone said to him.
00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:51.360
If you ever saw it, you'll recall that the only way around it is for him to put up sticky notes to keep visually reminding himself.
00:02:51.599 --> 00:02:53.919
Anyway, keep that in mind for later.
00:02:54.240 --> 00:03:04.560
Well, that's what it's like for many parents, except that most, if not all, of these young adults struggle with emotional dysregulation, not memory problems.
00:03:04.719 --> 00:03:09.680
And so they don't respond well when their parents bring up topics that they don't want to deal with.
00:03:09.840 --> 00:03:11.759
And this one is huge.
00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:26.479
So if you've tried, dealt with their reactions, then left them alone, waiting for another opportunity, or hoped that they would do something on their own, this episode might inspire you to try a different approach.
00:03:26.800 --> 00:03:30.000
Because I don't want you putting this on hold any longer.
00:03:30.240 --> 00:03:38.479
Furthermore, walking on eggshells, avoiding them, and worrying every night needs to end too.
00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:43.680
Otherwise, another year will pass where you're paying most of their living expenses.
00:03:43.919 --> 00:03:53.759
And whether your adult kids are living at home or on their own, they can't just keep depending on you for everything while doing nothing with their lives.
00:03:54.080 --> 00:03:55.759
You know this is true.
00:03:56.080 --> 00:04:00.800
Their sedentary installed lifestyle, it has to change.
00:04:01.039 --> 00:04:07.360
And if I know you at all, there's something inside of you that wonders, why is this my problem?
00:04:07.840 --> 00:04:10.960
Why can't they manage their life on their own?
00:04:11.280 --> 00:04:14.719
These questions run through every parent's mind.
00:04:14.960 --> 00:04:17.360
Here's something you might find comforting.
00:04:17.680 --> 00:04:22.560
Most parents I speak to really don't understand their own kids.
00:04:22.800 --> 00:04:30.720
It doesn't make sense to them why their adult child has so much trouble with simple daily tasks that are so easy.
00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:34.480
They also wonder how their kids can sit home all day.
00:04:34.720 --> 00:04:36.160
Well, here's the thing.
00:04:36.480 --> 00:04:41.680
You might never understand your adult child, and I want you to know that's okay.
00:04:41.920 --> 00:04:44.959
Our kids aren't carbon copies of us.
00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:51.279
Your role here is to not try to make them just like you, nor is it to fix them.
00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:58.720
Your responsibility as their parent is to have the courage to start the conversation again.
00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:05.519
Then manage your own emotional reactions while you continue to stay on course.
00:05:05.839 --> 00:05:11.519
Today I'm going to share what you shouldn't say and what you can say instead.
00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:15.839
But I gotta be honest with you, this part is only the beginning.
00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:20.480
It's the follow-up and the follow-through that make the real difference.
00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:27.680
Parents who quit when it gets too hard find themselves with young adults who become stalled again.
00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:33.040
The parents who I'm working with now, they know that there's a lot to this process.
00:05:33.199 --> 00:05:39.199
But I also know that there are many parents who like to try things on their own, and this episode is for you.
00:05:39.439 --> 00:05:45.439
However, when you're ready to go deeper and you're looking for long-term results, I'm here.
00:05:45.680 --> 00:05:52.079
So before we get into what to say to start the conversation, let's be clear about what to leave out.
00:05:52.399 --> 00:06:03.600
First, this is not the time to remind your adult child of their age, compare them to their friends or siblings, or tell them that their life has been a wasteland.
00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:08.399
I want to stop here for a moment to see if anyone in my generation gets that reference.
00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:10.720
If you don't, I'll explain it.
00:06:10.879 --> 00:06:16.959
There's a song that most of us know as Teenage Wasteland, written by Pete Townsend of The Who.
00:06:17.439 --> 00:06:24.000
After Woodstock, he saw the grounds were covered in garbage and teenagers were strung out on drugs.
00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:32.000
This song is about young people wasting their years and throwing away their potential because of apathy and inaction.
00:06:32.399 --> 00:06:38.720
Even though they were complaining about the state of the world back then, they were doing nothing to change it.
00:06:39.040 --> 00:06:42.399
This song was written in 1971.
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That's more than 50 years ago.
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Today, these aren't just teenagers anymore.
00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:58.879
It's your adult child who's quietly wasting away in their bedroom, complaining about their life and the economy, but with no plans to change anything.
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But we're not about to tell them that, even if we're thinking it, because we don't want to make them feel any worse than they already do.
00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:08.480
Which brings me to my next point.
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Keep your judgments, personal opinions, and criticism out of it.
00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:19.120
That will only add to their shame because they already feel your disappointment.
00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:29.199
And last, stop offering suggestions, sending them job postings, or telling them you don't care what they do, just do something with your life.
00:07:29.439 --> 00:07:31.759
None of that has worked up till now.
00:07:32.079 --> 00:07:36.800
In fact, all this has ever done is trigger a negative reaction.
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You know, triggering goes both ways.
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You're also triggered by their lifestyle.
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Watching them do nothing all day sets off all kinds of alarms in your head.
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And maybe you even shared these sentiments.
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That's not how I was raised.
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My father would have kicked me out of my ass if he saw me sitting around all day.
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In fact, you know that if this was someone else's situation, you'd be saying things like, What's wrong with that kid?
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Why aren't they working?
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They should learn a trade.
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If that were mine, well you get my point.
00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:10.480
It was Dr.
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Mark McConville from Episode 88 who suggests to his clients that they should look at their kid as if they aren't their own.
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Treat them like you're hosting a young adult living in your home.
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What behaviors would you never tolerate?
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Where would you draw the line?
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And ask yourself now, why am I accepting any of this?
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Here are three things that you can focus on when having the conversation with them.
00:08:36.080 --> 00:08:39.360
First is the reality of the current situation.
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State the facts calmly and without commentary.
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At this point, it's not how you feel about it or what it says about them.
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Just what is facts.
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You've been living like this for X amount of years.
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Your life is not moving forward.
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Whatever you're doing is clearly not working for you.
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Second, state what you can no longer enable or tolerate in your house.
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Be clear and specific.
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This is where you take ownership for allowing it to go on for so long.
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When you own your own part, it's no longer an attack.
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It's the beginning of a relationship reset.
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It's saying we're going to change.
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Therefore, things around here will change too.
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And third, your adult needs to hear that you see them as capable of doing whatever they set their mind to.
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That you believe they can do hard things.
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That's how you finish your part of the conversation.
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I can't tell you how often parents have said to me, I've told my kid he's smart and he should become this or do that.
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I tell them all the time they could work at this job or get hired at that one.
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Well, you know what I hear?
00:09:57.679 --> 00:10:02.320
I hear a parent who's telling their kid what they think they should do.
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Father knows best, right?
00:10:04.879 --> 00:10:05.200
No.
00:10:05.679 --> 00:10:07.919
Unfortunately not at this stage.
00:10:08.240 --> 00:10:12.559
Now is when you have to let them come up with their ideas.
00:10:12.879 --> 00:10:18.559
Step back and invite your adult child to decide what they're going to do with their life.
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Your role is to do the following to say the waiting is over, their life is not moving forward, you're going to help them with a plan because we know they won't do it on their own, and you are setting time limits.
00:10:34.480 --> 00:10:38.720
Because without any urgency, there will never be movement.
00:10:39.279 --> 00:10:40.639
One more thing.
00:10:40.960 --> 00:10:45.200
You don't have to defend yourself and explain why you need this to happen.
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First, you sound guilty, and honestly, they don't care.
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They want life to stay exactly as it is.
00:10:53.120 --> 00:10:54.480
Don't sell the house.
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You don't need the money.
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Don't tell them you want to retire or travel.
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They'll say you're being selfish.
00:11:01.440 --> 00:11:04.320
Don't give them any reason to engage.
00:11:04.639 --> 00:11:08.080
This is about them starting their life.
00:11:08.320 --> 00:11:10.639
Here's what you need to be prepared for.
00:11:10.879 --> 00:11:13.360
They won't have the answers right away.
00:11:13.600 --> 00:11:15.039
They will react.
00:11:15.279 --> 00:11:24.960
They will need some time to come up with what their next steps must be, which is why you will not walk away until you have set another time to sit down again.
00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:29.200
You are assisting with their game plan, not writing it.
00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:31.919
Setting dates is imperative.
00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:34.399
Remember the sticky notes from Memento?
00:11:34.720 --> 00:11:45.600
They need to write the plan down and put the next date on a calendar because what's said in that conversation will only be remembered on paper.
00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:50.720
These are questions you need to consider before you sit down with your adult child.
00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:52.559
So be prepared.
00:11:53.279 --> 00:11:56.159
What needs to change about the current arrangement?
00:11:56.399 --> 00:12:00.720
What are you willing and able to continue providing as they get on their feet?
00:12:01.039 --> 00:12:06.639
And what will you do after repeated discussions if nothing changes?
00:12:06.960 --> 00:12:14.480
As I come to a close, I want to remind you that there isn't one timeline or one arrangement that works for every family.
00:12:14.720 --> 00:12:22.399
But there does need to be an honest conversation about the reality of their situation and what must change.
00:12:22.720 --> 00:12:26.639
You are not forcing your adult child into independence overnight.
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The goal is for them to stop treating their current living arrangement and lifestyle as though it can continue forever without a plan.
00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:45.120
So be honest about what you're observing, what you're concerned about, and what needs to change in your home and in the way you provide support.
00:12:45.519 --> 00:12:54.960
Recognize that loving your adult child doesn't require you to remain silent about a situation that is keeping them stalled.
00:12:55.279 --> 00:13:02.000
Sometimes the most loving thing that you can do is stop pretending that everything is fine.
00:13:02.320 --> 00:13:09.279
Because continuing without having this conversation is not moving either of you toward a solution.
00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:17.360
And if you're thinking, I know I need to have this conversation, but I still don't know how to begin, you can always reach out to me.
00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:26.720
But if you're ready to tackle this next step on your own, don't expect to resolve years of stagnation in one conversation.
00:13:27.200 --> 00:13:37.519
Ask them what they want for their future and set the wheels in motion by sitting down with them and saying, It's time we make a plan.
00:13:38.799 --> 00:13:42.639
I'm Sherry Jonas and this is Launch.
00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:49.919
Registration for the next free launch masterclass is open if you're interested.
00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:59.600
The link is simply parentingfx.com forward slash register, or you can always grab the link in the show notes.
00:13:59.919 --> 00:14:05.679
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00:14:05.919 --> 00:14:09.440
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00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:16.799
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00:14:17.039 --> 00:14:21.519
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