FACES WE HIDE: NOW LETS HEAL

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But hey y'all, hey, welcome back to Couch Conversations.
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And we're about to finish up this series on Faces We Hide, but today it's all about now.
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Let's heal.
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Let's start to heal.
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Okay.
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Now, some of this stuff can be triggering.
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I just want to let you know because we are going to be talking about some childhood trauma things.
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And some people still cannot deal with that right now.
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So if you cannot deal with it, I'm going to have to ask you to keep on going, okay?
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Keep on going because you know this is going to be a deep conversation.
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And uh I don't want anybody to get triggered.
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And of course, y'all know me, I'm just a life coach.
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I'm not a therapist.
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So I don't want to um open up no can of worms for people that I cannot close.
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Okay.
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So today we got a couple of people that's joining us for this conversation.
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We have Robin.
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Welcome back, Robin.
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Hey girl, hey.
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Are you there, honey?
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Yeah.
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I'm sorry, I couldn't get it off of you.
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Thank you so much for having me.
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I'm excited to get this conversation going.
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Yes.
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And then we have Miss Vernita.
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Hey Bernita, welcome back.
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Hey, thank you for having me.
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I'm so excited to be here.
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Hey.
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And then my boo.
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Hey, Miss Jul.
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Hey, you know I'm excited to get into this.
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Here it is.
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Thank you for having me back.
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You're welcome.
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You're welcome.
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So, y'all, we're just gonna jump right in there.
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We're gonna start this conversation.
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And it's gonna probably be a deep one.
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I know that when it comes to childhood trauma, I know that we all have some form of childhood trauma.
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Um, and me for myself, I went through quite a bit.
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So we're gonna dive into just a little bit of it today, and but the most important part of this is that I want to start talking about how do we heal from it.
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Okay.
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So when you hear the word childhood trauma, what comes to mind?
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Robin?
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This mute button is gonna be the it's gonna be on my nerves today.
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I'm so sorry.
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When I think of childhood trauma, what comes to mind to me is um just some unfavorable, unfavorable circumstance that has occurred in someone's life.
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For me, sadly, my first, I'll say my first memory of you know my existence on this earth happened to have been a childhood trauma.
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And I don't know if that's by default from trauma or if that's just what it is, but um it happened around the age of about four or five, four or five.
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And um, yeah, it just stuck with me for my whole life.
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Wow.
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Okay.
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Does anybody else have anything to add to that?
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Just unmute if y'all feel like you want to answer.
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I'm gonna tell y'all when childhood trauma, when I hear the words childhood trauma, um, what comes to mind for me is fear, um, neglect, um, lost.
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Um, oof, ooh, lots of lots of things.
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Because I because the thing is, I can't ever remember having a childhood because of the trauma, because of the the type of trauma that I went through.
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And the type of trauma that I went through was sexual, physical, emotional.
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Um, I was sexually abused by multiple people, multiple people, men and women.
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And then um, I was abused by family members, uh, physically, mentally, emotionally, and with all that, when I'm still thinking about that word childhood trauma, I'm I'm I'm even thinking about throwaway.
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I'm thinking about throwaway.
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So um when did you realize that your childhood experiences was of affecting your adult life, Vernita?
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Oh gosh.
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Um I keep having flashbacks, and then I'm overpro it, it made me overprotective of all of my children, especially my daughter.
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And then um I had outbursts.
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What that means for me is that you know, some of the things that you remember from your trauma that all of a sudden you could be having a great conversation, and something will trigger you to say, Well, or not like a person or flat, I would I would crash out, like for instance on my brother because he didn't know.
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Kids be using the kids be using crash out.
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Yeah, I would crash out.
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I would crash out, be like, you don't understand.
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You didn't do this, this, this, this, this to protect me, blah, blah, blah.
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You know, so crash out maybe or um yeah.
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You still do that to this day?
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I do.
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Yeah, I've gotten better.
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I've gotten better.
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Um because even getting ready for this conversation brought back a lot of stuff.
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And um so at this at this age, this ripe age of fifty, I think I'm fifty-seven, of fifty-seven, I am still like triggered and still wondering or or realizing um that I'm just not something something that needs to be thrown away, or um that I am worthy.
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So I have to tell myself that, like, you know, I I do my affirmations now, but before no.
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But that makes sense.
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Yeah, it makes sense.
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But you still crash out.
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I do.
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I mean, I forgive.
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I have forgiven.
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Uh-huh.
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I have forgiven.
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Yeah.
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But I don't forget because some of it still if people see me today, they might remember an instance from 1989 or 19.
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I don't even know when I graduated, I forgot, but 1985.
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Yeah.
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Because the whole Akron, Ohio knew, like the whole school knew.
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So it's like, you know.
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Wow.
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So you so for me, I would cover my I still cover myself up.
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I I still dress a certain way, I still carry myself a certain way, and I'm still very quiet.
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If that means if every anybody ever wondered why I'm quiet, that's why.
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Wow.
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But yeah.
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Well, Jewel, Jewel, we want to hear from you a little bit.
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What's what's your take on that?
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Uh so for me, I realized my childhood experiences were affecting me mostly in how I repeated cycles in relationships.
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The way I watched a lot of the women in my life be in relationship, um, reactions to certain things, you know, arguments, yelling, you in relationships, and they raise their voice.
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I'm shutting down because I grew up in an abusive home.
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Um, boundaries, people pleasing, you know, just not wanting that walking on eggshells, the way I handle my emotions.
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I always just dealt with everything on my own because I had to do that as a child, right?
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There was nobody there to hold my emotions.
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I was pretty much holding everybody's emotions, including the adults.
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So I had to grow up fast.
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I had to have a lot of emotional maturity early.
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So I always just took whatever I was feeling in private.
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In private.
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So, what have you done different to change that?
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Like, are you still operating that way or you're in the process of changing that?
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Uh, I definitely feel like I have transitioned out of the people pleaser, um, not being vocal.
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I'm very much gonna say, yeah, no, I'm not okay right now.
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Um that wouldn't be me.
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You know, I with y'all, I'm like, yeah, no, today I'm like, you know, I'm getting to that space where I'm comfortable letting people know like I don't have the capacity today.
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I know a lot of people come to me for that strength, and I don't think that they humanize me enough to realize, you know, some of the same struggles you're dealing with, you know, I I I'm here walking earth too, living through these things and going through, um, and just being more vocal about my story.
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I think I kind of carry a presence that doesn't look like I've been through anything.
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Um, so now I'm being able to share that story, and I have a lot more people that are like, oh, okay, okay.
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That makes a little sense.
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Being in this line of business, I don't know why people look at us and think, oh, they have it together.
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They're perfect, nothing is happening with them.
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Look at her.
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Robin and look, Robin is one of the prettiest people I've ever met.
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And it looked like she has not never been through anything.
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If you look at her, you would think that that's one of the happiest people on earth.
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You know, you wouldn't think that she'd been through anything, but people do not understand we are human.
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I cry.
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I cry.
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I'm going through something right now with the a friend of mine who passed away, like a sister.
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I'm listening, I still have an obligation to my platform, but on the same hand, I'm still human.
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You know, I cry just like the next person, you know.
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And you're right.
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You said you said the the perfect words that they don't humanize, they don't humanize you, you know.
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So that really, yeah.
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Yeah, yeah.
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So sadly, I just wanted to be back off of that.
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I feel like sometimes too, you're not, they don't humanize you until you blow up or until you crash out, as Bernita said, or until you go through things, you know.
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I feel like I didn't start feeling like I was being humanized by certain people who used to be in my life until I was going through, you know, everything I was going through.
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But it took for me to almost literally be in a position of not being able to take care of myself and um, you know, be at the mercy of other people for them to even see me as human.
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So I I totally agree with that.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And I was gonna ask Renita is when you say that you crash out, do you feel like you crash out because you feel like people are not humanizing you and because they're they feel like, oh, you should just forget that, or you well, I'm I guess I'm trying to figure out how to say it.
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Yes, I'm trying to figure out this crash out thing.
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So the crash out for me to crash out is for me to speak what's on my mind.
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Okay, because I'm known as the quiet, nice, subtle, always happy, go lucky, Nita.
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Yeah, but when I say exactly what's on my mind because hey, this happened.
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Uh no, it didn't.
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Oh, but it did.
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Or you know, you weren't there, no, you didn't do this, no, you didn't do that.
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I don't crash out where I'm cursing someone out.
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I state the facts, and this is what happens.
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And most people are like, Oh, I didn't know.
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Oh, I uh oh, why didn't you say something?
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But what if I did?
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I did.
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So my trauma is I have a lot.
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So it's sexual, mental, um, physical, it's all the things, right?
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You know, imagine being eight years old and someone's trying to sell you to somebody, right?
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Or imagine someone trying to rape you.
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There's a bunch of people, but all of a sudden the people are gone.
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But when you make a phone call or say, you know, when you run across a grass field and be like, This is what happened, why are you calling me?
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I'm at work.
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So it's like a burden, right?
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So then you feel like a burden, right?
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And so then you go to school the next day because you have to still go to school the next day.
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The whole world knows.
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But no one has any capacity to, you know, pull you aside, have a conversation or tell you what you should be doing.
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Then you go to court and because you smile when you're mad, something's wrong with you.
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Right?
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Right.
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So it's those type of things that people push under push under the rug because they don't want to deal with it.
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And then you're still left to deal with that as an adult, still not knowing how to handle it or how you're supposed to handle it.
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So you go through it, and then so now you're overprotective because now you have these children that you're trying to protect, and you don't want them to have the same trauma that you have.
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So, you know, it it just goes from generation to generation to generation if unless you stop it.
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Unless you stop it, unless you stop it.
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So the buck stops here, right?
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Right, yeah.
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That's why we're having these conversations because a lot of in our generation, I think a lot of people swept sweep things under the rug.
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I don't think in this generation they're doing it as much, but I'm sure it's happening everywhere.
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Yeah, I didn't mean to talk that long.
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No, you're good, but I I would love to say this to you, Bernita, because it's on my spirit.
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Stop calling that a crash out.
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Come on, so what is it then?
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Because I'm about to cry.
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I don't want to.
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Um, I don't know, it's just on my spirit, but um, I don't know.
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I feel like stop saying that that's a crash out because you're speaking your truth.
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Because it's your truth, and um that's not crashing out.
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That's you finally allowing the young girl who felt unheard to be heard, and you allow that.
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Whether anybody receives it, I get it out and say it because that's what they say in you.
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Thank you.
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I'll try not to cry, but it's hard when it's just hard, you know, it's hard to say because people don't see you for who you are or what you've been through.
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Just saying just like this.
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Fuck what other people what fuck what other people think and say and feel, Vernita.
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This has listen, listen, just like you said, this is your I wrote a book, it's called My Story, My Truth.
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When I wrote that book, everybody shut down on me.
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They came for me, and I was already warned that they was coming for me, but I'm like, well, why was somebody come for me for me telling my truth?
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You know, I didn't ask to be raped, I didn't, I didn't ask to be beat, I didn't ask for this be for these things to happen to me.
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Why am why are you mad at me for telling my truth?
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You're right, and that's the reason why I kept asking Jewel, why is this?
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Why are you calling it a crash out?
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It's not a crashout, it's just that Vernita has been quiet for so long, and now you're I know you I've been knowing you for years, and now Vernita is starting to talk.
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She's starting to talk.
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And I was gonna ask you, are you afraid to tell your story?
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Yeah.
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Well, see, I like you know, because you've been trying to get me to write my book forever, and so a reason why I will not is because I don't want to hurt anybody, right?
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Um a lot of the things that have happened.
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How do I say this?
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I don't think I don't want to hurt anybody.
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And it w it will hurt people that I still that I love, you know, but and and I'm grown.
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I've I've come a long way.
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So I mean my story matters, yes, but does it matter to the point where it might mess up someone else's like like uh life?
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It could, and I don't want it to because I I I haven't healed totally, but you know, I I do great for myself and I could talk to talk to people all day long about their issues and help them.
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But talking like this I think helps me, you know.
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But yeah, I I I d I shouldn't tell well, not that I shouldn't tell my story, but I don't I don't think I should just yet.
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There's a lot, there's layers, yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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As a child.
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That's as a child, and that's still with me today.
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I can still visualize it, I still see it.
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You know, so it's a lot.
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Yeah.
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I want to say, Bernie, that you your feelings are valid, and I think the reason why you feel like it's a crash out is because you haven't spoken up for so long, you don't realize the validity in your feelings, but your feelings are valid, and you do get to speak up for yourself.
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I wanted to say that, and then I also wanted to say as far as telling your story.
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My story, I'm sure that I ended up hurting a lot of people, but that wasn't the intent of my story.
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And your story, you know, I can't say what the call is on your life, but I'm willing to bet it's attached to your story.
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And so it's important for you to prioritize that, you know, whenever you're ready.
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But prioritize that over the fear of hurting other people.
00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:38.400
People are gonna get hurt, but that's not the mission that you're setting out to do.
00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:46.000
And there's also a way to articulate and tell your story without you know damaging anyone.
00:17:46.160 --> 00:17:59.279
You know, people, I mean, if the the truth does hurt for a lot of people, it will hurt for a lot of people, especially because they be they may feel like the villain in your story, but at the end of the day, it's still your truth, it's still your reality, it's still your perspective.
00:17:59.519 --> 00:18:10.079
So you get to share that because again, your purpose is is more often than not, it is tied to your story than it is of your need to protect someone else.
00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:11.119
Absolutely.
00:18:11.519 --> 00:18:12.720
I agree with you, Robin.
00:18:12.960 --> 00:18:13.359
Thank you.
00:18:13.519 --> 00:18:15.599
Yeah, I totally agree with you.
00:18:15.839 --> 00:18:23.680
And read even read Robin, reading your book, the way that you told your story, because you had a traumatic story.
00:18:23.920 --> 00:18:26.240
In your book, I was mad at some people.
00:18:26.559 --> 00:18:32.400
I'm not gonna lie, but the way that you wrote that book was so graceful.
00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:34.720
It was so graceful.
00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:37.920
You still gave people grace in that book.
00:18:38.240 --> 00:18:41.119
And I love how you how you presented it.
00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:43.440
You told your story, you told your truth.
00:18:43.519 --> 00:18:46.319
This is what happened to me, whether y'all like it or not.
00:18:46.400 --> 00:18:48.559
I but I still love you, you know.
00:18:49.039 --> 00:18:55.119
And I can remember uh somebody telling me, and this has always been my saying, I'm hoping I'm gonna get it right.
00:18:55.519 --> 00:19:02.559
If you wanted a different part in my story, you should have played a different.
00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:09.119
If you wanted a different character in my story, you should have played a different part in my life, you know, and that's the truth.
00:19:09.359 --> 00:19:23.599
But I give people grace that I grew up with that was around me that allowed, I hate to use those words aloud, but was there when these things happened to me, I give them grace because they were kids too.
00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:24.079
Yeah.
00:19:24.240 --> 00:19:31.599
When I look at some of my aunts, my aunt, I got an aunt that's only been seven, eight years older than me.
00:19:31.920 --> 00:19:33.519
They were kids too, you know.
00:19:33.680 --> 00:19:46.319
So, and then thinking about our family, our family dynamics, and how my grandparents used to think, you know, how was they supposed to know?
00:19:46.480 --> 00:19:48.240
You know, so I give them grace.
00:19:48.400 --> 00:20:11.119
However, these things did happen to me, and I have every right to talk about it, and I'm gonna keep talking about it because the one thing that I have realized that my story is part of what you say, a part of uh who I am and uh a part of my um my journey in life and my yeah, my purpose is is a part of all that.
00:20:11.359 --> 00:20:24.880
And if I don't move forward um and talk about what I've survived, there's I feel like there's people dying on my watch because I can remember there was a time, girl, I was crazy.
00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:29.359
There was a time I thought I was the only person in the world that this had happened to.
00:20:29.839 --> 00:20:35.119
And I matter of fact, I I didn't even think I was gonna live until I was 30.
00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:36.880
I was like, well, 30 is gonna be it.
00:20:36.960 --> 00:20:42.880
I don't know why that was the magic number, but I prepared myself and I lived my lived my life accordingly.
00:20:43.039 --> 00:20:46.000
You know, I didn't look at myself as a human.
00:20:46.240 --> 00:20:48.559
I'm the one who dehumanized me.
00:20:48.720 --> 00:20:56.799
And um, I just looked at my myself as just a um just a piece of nothing, you know.
00:20:57.279 --> 00:21:05.599
And so it was it wasn't until I hit my late 40s when I said something gotta change.
00:21:06.000 --> 00:21:13.680
I mean, I can't I can't keep living like this because um this trauma has affected me all these years.
00:21:13.920 --> 00:21:27.039
And if I want to turn it around and I want for my kids not to continue to be affected, I I have to do something different, you know, and I have to do some something major, and I did.
00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:28.400
I made a major move.
00:21:28.480 --> 00:21:31.359
And writing my book was one, it was part of it.
00:21:35.680 --> 00:21:39.200
So Julie, you're quiet down there, but I know I see you, I see you.
00:21:42.319 --> 00:21:50.640
I just think also I don't know if anybody else's phone is sounded static y I know yours is right now.
00:21:51.759 --> 00:21:56.400
Okay, yeah, it was sounding a little static y, so I hope that's not picking up on the request.
00:21:56.720 --> 00:21:59.440
It is what it is, and the devil is alive anyway.
00:22:02.400 --> 00:22:05.119
But yeah, I agree with what y'all are telling her.
00:22:05.599 --> 00:22:08.000
I just feel like she needed to hear that.
00:22:08.319 --> 00:22:08.720
Yeah.
00:22:08.960 --> 00:22:09.599
Yeah.
00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:18.400
So I know one of the one of the things that I struggled with as a result of this childhood trauma was boundaries.
00:22:18.559 --> 00:22:21.119
And I struggle with it with everybody.
00:22:21.279 --> 00:22:22.720
I was the biggest people pleaser.
00:22:22.799 --> 00:22:26.960
When you look in a dictionary under People Pleaser, you will see my face right there.
00:22:27.599 --> 00:22:28.559
I was that girl.
00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:34.319
I had no, I didn't even know what boundaries were until I started getting into the this coaching thing.
00:22:34.400 --> 00:22:35.599
And I was like, boundaries.
00:22:35.680 --> 00:22:39.279
I mean, I know what boundaries is, but boundaries, what's that?
00:22:39.519 --> 00:22:41.279
I mean, you mean I could tell people no?
00:22:41.519 --> 00:22:43.359
I could tell people they can't do this.
00:22:43.599 --> 00:22:45.039
I was allowed to do that.
00:22:45.279 --> 00:22:48.319
Did anybody else have issues with boundaries?
00:22:49.440 --> 00:22:51.599
I had issues with boundaries.
00:22:52.880 --> 00:22:54.720
Yeah, I had issues with boundaries.
00:22:54.799 --> 00:23:04.240
And I think to be honest, my issues with boundaries wasn't, it was more a matter of a lack of understanding and even being aware of what boundaries were.
00:23:04.400 --> 00:23:06.880
Or, like you said, I can tell people no.
00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:13.119
Like, you know, not doing X, Y, Z for a friend doesn't make me a bad person.
00:23:13.279 --> 00:23:17.680
You know, prioritizing myself doesn't make me a selfish person.
00:23:18.240 --> 00:23:24.160
Oh, yeah, we're about to run this up because I need to establish boundaries in every area of my life.
00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:26.720
Even my job, I don't ask for time off.
00:23:26.799 --> 00:23:32.240
I tell them what day I'm not gonna be there because I have something more important to do.
00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:42.000
I know it sounds crazy, but that's also a boundary, too, because a lot of times people don't even put boundaries in with their employer, and their employer be running them crazy the whole time.
00:23:42.160 --> 00:23:48.400
You get to really dictate, you know, when you can and can't be available, you know, depending on your role and the job you do.
00:23:48.480 --> 00:24:00.000
I'm I mean, obviously that's subjective, but it's one of those things where I think for most of my life, it was always, well, can't I gotta see if I can get off work or can I?
00:24:00.160 --> 00:24:09.680
But when I got sick, after I got sick and I went through all the things I went through, it was just like, no, I'm I'm never asking permission to do my own life ever again from anybody.
00:24:09.920 --> 00:24:15.039
So got up and ran up out of this office and came back again.
00:24:16.240 --> 00:24:17.759
Because that's deep.
00:24:18.079 --> 00:24:18.960
That's deep.
00:24:19.279 --> 00:24:23.440
And let me tell you when I started learning the word no, I wrote a book about it.
00:24:23.519 --> 00:24:25.599
It's called The Power of Hell Naw.
00:24:25.839 --> 00:24:33.359
And when I started learning that word and exercising that word no, honey, that word has gotten me in a lot of trouble.
00:24:34.160 --> 00:24:43.279
My two kids and three grandkids I don't even have relationships with because of that word no, you know, because people really cannot take that word no.
00:24:43.759 --> 00:24:48.240
People do not like for you to set boundaries, they don't want you doing that.
00:24:48.480 --> 00:24:52.559
Because if you set a boundary, how am I how am I come over there and use you up?
00:24:53.359 --> 00:25:01.200
You know, and uh, and then especially me who is an ex-people pleaser, and I still struggle with it to this day.
00:25:01.359 --> 00:25:04.240
It's something that don't don't just go away.
00:25:04.720 --> 00:25:11.039
Okay, they want to know how can I get back over there and get I was an asset, okay?
00:25:11.119 --> 00:25:13.759
But I was an asset all all in the wrong way.
00:25:13.839 --> 00:25:24.640
All I girl, I was paying utilities, buying cars, flights, trips, um, giving money.
00:25:25.759 --> 00:25:28.319
Name it, name it.
00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:34.799
So learning these boundaries, it was tough.
00:25:35.119 --> 00:25:38.000
But I mean, I sort of kind of got it down pat now.
00:25:38.160 --> 00:25:42.640
I don't have no problem with saying, no, you know.
00:25:43.680 --> 00:25:45.920
But I see you over there shaking your head, Bernita.
00:25:46.000 --> 00:25:47.839
How are you with these boundaries?
00:25:48.799 --> 00:25:50.480
I'm just learning boundaries.
00:25:50.640 --> 00:25:55.200
That's a little late to the game, but no, I have my boundaries a little bit.
00:25:55.359 --> 00:25:59.119
Yeah, but I'm still a I'm semi-people pleaser still.
00:25:59.359 --> 00:26:05.359
Yeah, I don't say no very often unless I really can't do something, but I'm working on it.
00:26:05.440 --> 00:26:06.240
I'll you know.
00:26:07.519 --> 00:26:08.720
I learned certain boundaries now.
00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:10.480
I don't let people run over me anymore.
00:26:10.799 --> 00:26:11.839
So nothing.
00:26:13.200 --> 00:26:14.880
Let me help you, Bernita.
00:26:15.039 --> 00:26:16.400
Let me ask you this question.
00:26:16.640 --> 00:26:17.839
Why can't you say no?
00:26:17.920 --> 00:26:19.279
Like, why don't you say no?
00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:24.880
Because I don't want people to be mad.
00:26:26.480 --> 00:26:32.400
If I'm being honest, I don't want someone to be mad that I can't do something.
00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:35.440
Because yeah, I got issues over here.
00:26:35.599 --> 00:26:38.559
I got issues because I think you know, I just I don't know.
00:26:38.640 --> 00:26:45.119
I don't want people to be mad, or I I think I just want people to like me because yeah, that's probably why.
00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:45.680
I don't know.
00:26:45.920 --> 00:26:47.279
Here's the thing though.
00:26:47.599 --> 00:26:52.480
If people are only in your life because of your yes, they are not your people anyway.
00:26:52.640 --> 00:26:54.160
Like they don't need to be in your life.
00:26:54.240 --> 00:27:06.240
If you can't tell them no, if you can't tell them no, why are they that just reveals why they're in your life because they want to use you because they know Vernita is gonna always show up.
00:27:06.319 --> 00:27:17.359
But Vernita, you know, showing up for other people when it inconveniences you or is it something that may not be something that you absolutely want to do, you're abandoning yourself for these people who are using you.
00:27:17.599 --> 00:27:22.319
Like that's one of those things, and I hate to put it like that, but I don't really know how to sugarcoat stuff.
00:27:22.559 --> 00:27:28.319
But that's one of those things you have to think about the next time you decide what that you're not gonna say no.
00:27:28.480 --> 00:27:32.400
You have to think, like, okay, does this hurt me and help them?
00:27:32.799 --> 00:27:36.400
Or is this something that I actually want to do for this person?
00:27:36.559 --> 00:27:39.440
Because then it becomes a qu a question of heart posture.
00:27:39.599 --> 00:27:43.039
You know, what is your heart heart posture when you're saying yes?
00:27:43.920 --> 00:27:51.039
You know, if if it's a matter of you making sure you're protecting your blessings, if your heart posture ain't right, it's it's not doing the job anyway.
00:27:53.440 --> 00:27:54.000
Gotcha.
00:27:54.559 --> 00:28:00.000
Well, I did get hard at one time where I said, you know, this is what I want and this is what I expect.
00:28:00.160 --> 00:28:03.119
And then I had to cut, I did cut somebody off.
00:28:04.160 --> 00:28:07.119
It was hard, but I still feel guilty about it.
00:28:07.359 --> 00:28:10.640
But yeah, I did learn that.
00:28:11.200 --> 00:28:22.000
Cutting somebody off, cutting somebody off don't solve first of all, don't solve the problem, and it isn't taken care of you telling that person no.
00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:26.000
Only thing that you've done is just cut that you cut that person off.
00:28:26.400 --> 00:28:31.200
You know, this is one thing that somebody told my aunt taught me this.
00:28:31.279 --> 00:28:33.200
She said, Do you know how to tell people no?
00:28:33.279 --> 00:28:34.720
Just say no and run.
00:28:38.079 --> 00:28:38.960
I'm gonna try that.
00:28:39.039 --> 00:28:39.599
I'm gonna try that.
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:43.920
No and run, or no and hang up.
00:28:44.720 --> 00:28:50.960
I remember my mother years and years ago, just before she passed away, and she told me because I didn't know how to say no.
00:28:51.119 --> 00:29:00.720
And I remember when I first started saying no, my cousin called my mother and said, Something is wrong with Venus because I asked her to do such and such, and she told me no.
00:29:00.960 --> 00:29:10.799
But my mother told me, she said, the way that you practice saying no, she said, if if somebody asked you for the time, look down at your watch and say, Oh no, I don't even have the time.
00:29:11.200 --> 00:29:14.960
Like she said, yeah, you just do it like that.
00:29:15.119 --> 00:29:17.759
And I was like, and I tried to practice that back then.
00:29:17.839 --> 00:29:18.720
This was way back then.
00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:19.920
This was when I was in my 20s.
00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:22.720
I girl, I was nowhere near ready, okay?
00:29:23.039 --> 00:29:30.079
But um, yeah, now I and then let me just say this too, Vernita, because I I fight with you a lot.
00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:31.599
I fight with Vernita a lot.
00:29:31.759 --> 00:29:34.240
She goes, No, I'm gonna, no, you're not.
00:29:34.559 --> 00:29:38.799
So Vernita has an amazing, amazing business.
00:29:39.039 --> 00:29:43.599
Um, she do all kinds Vernita, tell them what you do.
00:29:44.799 --> 00:29:47.039
Because I'm telling you, the girl is cold.
00:29:47.359 --> 00:29:49.759
I'm still working on my elevator pitch.
00:29:50.319 --> 00:29:53.039
But but no, I I I I am a crafter.
00:29:53.359 --> 00:29:54.960
I do, I create.
00:29:55.279 --> 00:29:57.920
Um, I like to bring people's visions to life.
00:29:58.000 --> 00:29:58.880
That's my thing.
00:29:59.119 --> 00:30:11.359
So if you have something that you're wanting to do for your business or for your home or for a party or whatever, I'm that person you call to get some insight on what you should do or what you can make or what can be done.
00:30:11.519 --> 00:30:14.000
So I do it from the router to the tutor.
00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:15.200
That makes sense.
00:30:15.359 --> 00:30:24.480
So I'm very multifaceted and I just love to bring people's visions to life from t-shirts to I sew, I crochet, I just do a lot of different things.
00:30:24.559 --> 00:30:25.759
Yeah, too much.
00:30:26.319 --> 00:30:26.640
Yeah.
00:30:26.880 --> 00:30:31.359
And I have to I have to fight with her because she's one of my vendors.
00:30:31.599 --> 00:30:37.200
And I'll say, Well, you know, I would like it like this, and okay, can I wanna, you know, have 10 of these.
00:30:37.279 --> 00:30:40.880
She said, Well, I'll tell you what, you know, you can get the 10 and I'll just charge.
00:30:40.960 --> 00:30:42.640
I was like, No, you will not.
00:30:43.039 --> 00:30:45.519
You're gonna charge me how much it costs.
00:30:45.680 --> 00:30:46.720
You know, stop this.
00:30:47.039 --> 00:30:49.359
I, you know, that's because I'm a friend too.
00:30:49.519 --> 00:30:53.039
You know, I'm not you're not gonna be a people pleaser uh to me.
00:30:53.200 --> 00:30:55.920
I won't shut you down, I'm gonna call you on it.
00:30:56.079 --> 00:31:03.200
I know um my husband had a really big issue with people pleasing, a really big issue with it.
00:31:03.519 --> 00:31:06.160
And I was like, okay, enough is enough.
00:31:06.319 --> 00:31:08.400
And I had to even help him with that.
00:31:08.559 --> 00:31:10.319
Now he's the extreme.
00:31:10.480 --> 00:31:16.000
And I'll be looking at people and people be asking him, because he's a um master mechanic, he do all kinds of stuff too.
00:31:16.240 --> 00:31:20.160
People be asking him about certain things, he'd be like, No, I'm not able to do that right now.
00:31:20.319 --> 00:31:28.720
And I'll be looking at that person like Philip's kind of feeling kind of sorry for him because he just like cut, like just cut dry.
00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:33.599
He don't make no excuses or nothing, be like, no, I'm not able to do that.
00:31:34.240 --> 00:31:35.359
No, not today.
00:31:35.599 --> 00:31:37.519
I'm like, oh my goodness.
00:31:39.119 --> 00:31:48.480
So look, I want to know, um, why do y'all think that people suffer in silence when it comes to this childhood trauma thing?
00:31:48.799 --> 00:31:57.839
Like, why is why would they rather just keep it buried inside instead of just talking about it and saying this is what's what's happening?
00:32:00.480 --> 00:32:01.200
I'll go.
00:32:01.279 --> 00:32:03.920
Um, that can to me that can be a little layered.
00:32:04.079 --> 00:32:06.640
I think it just depends on the type of trauma.
00:32:06.799 --> 00:32:17.039
So for me, I deal dealt with pretty much everything that you all said as far as, you know, mental and physical abuse, um, sexual abuse.
00:32:17.200 --> 00:32:18.319
I dealt with all of that.
00:32:18.559 --> 00:32:43.359
And um, for the mental and physical abuse, I can tell you that I did not know that I experienced that type of abuse, you know, in my childhood until having conversations, I would say early adulthood and realizing it was not okay, you know, some of the things that I went through that that wasn't normal because it was normal for me.
00:32:43.440 --> 00:32:45.759
So I didn't realize that it wasn't normal.
00:32:46.000 --> 00:32:59.519
And then for the sexual abuse, um, you start to they, you, you, depending on who your assailant is or whatever, they may make you feel like there's something wrong or like you did something wrong.
00:32:59.680 --> 00:33:09.200
So if they make you feel like you did something wrong, then you don't want to get in trouble for you know doing anything wrong, even though you know you didn't want it to happen or whatever.
00:33:09.279 --> 00:33:15.039
And so I think it just really depends on the type of trauma, the environment, and just the mindset at the time.
00:33:15.200 --> 00:33:17.359
So for me, that's what it was for me.
00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:29.839
Well, you said that um they they make you feel as though you did something wrong when we're talking about sexual abuse.
00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:37.119
And I was made to feel that way because I've always had a um I've always had a body.
00:33:37.279 --> 00:33:41.759
I'm just gonna say I've just always had what they say, a body, right?
00:33:41.920 --> 00:33:50.480
Not always my boobs, probably later on in life got bigger, but I've always had a body and I've always had hips.
00:33:50.640 --> 00:33:59.680
And I always thought that my hips is what got me in trouble because men, even when I was at a younger age, would always comment on my body.
00:33:59.920 --> 00:34:03.839
So I always thought that the sexual abuse was my fault.
00:34:04.079 --> 00:34:08.800
And so that's why that's one of the reasons why I sort of kind of kept it to myself.
00:34:08.960 --> 00:34:13.679
Because even too, when I um tried to even say something about it, I was shut down.
00:34:13.840 --> 00:34:14.800
I was shut down.
00:34:14.880 --> 00:34:27.199
And it was almost made it, it was, it was, it made me feel like when I even tried to tell, like how I received it, was like, if you didn't have those big hips.
00:34:27.360 --> 00:34:29.840
Now, it was never said to me like that.
00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:37.119
I'm just saying in my head, I'm thinking, if I wouldn't have had those big hits, then I don't think that that would have happened to me.
00:34:37.199 --> 00:34:40.239
That you know, so it's my fault, you know.
00:34:41.760 --> 00:34:43.519
So I know that's crazy.
00:34:44.239 --> 00:34:51.920
But how do how important do y'all think that uh faith and mentorship and coaching and um even therapy?
00:34:52.079 --> 00:34:57.519
How how important is it to y'all when it comes to you know trying to heal?
00:35:21.599 --> 00:35:24.000
No, it sounds like a robot, kinda.
00:35:29.840 --> 00:35:30.719
Well, that's okay.
00:35:30.800 --> 00:35:33.039
What about you, Miss Miss Robin?
00:35:34.159 --> 00:35:41.920
How important is it to you when it's we're talking about coaching and mentorship and therapy?
00:35:42.960 --> 00:35:51.920
Okay, so coaching and mentorship, I feel like are mandatory, absolutely mandatory for your life, for every part of your life.
00:35:52.079 --> 00:36:00.719
Um, I learned this late in my early 30s, and I learned that I needed a mentor for everything, a money mentor at the time I was married.
00:36:00.800 --> 00:36:11.760
I needed a marriage mentor, I needed a business mentor, you know, I needed a mentor for every area of my life, and um I pretty much have stuck with that.
00:36:11.840 --> 00:36:21.119
It's so important because it helps you to, you know, continue to elevate to higher levels in your life and to achieve goals, you know, personal goals that you have.
00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:37.840
Now, I will also say for therapy, it's it's kind of the same sentiment, you know, for your emotional, mental, physical wellness, all that is important to also uh just to be in alignment with where you're supposed to go and where you're at now.
00:36:37.920 --> 00:36:40.239
Like sometimes it's difficult to get through things.
00:36:40.400 --> 00:36:44.079
Like for me, I've been in therapy, it's been two and a half years straight.
00:36:44.400 --> 00:36:48.320
And while I'm not going every week, I go through my little cycle.
00:36:48.400 --> 00:36:52.480
Sometimes I have to go every week, sometimes it's bi-weekly, sometimes it's monthly.
00:36:52.719 --> 00:36:56.719
I was just on monthly and I just switched back to bi-weekly.
00:36:56.800 --> 00:36:59.280
You know, it's just it's important to me.
00:36:59.360 --> 00:37:00.960
It's like a maintenance thing.
00:37:01.199 --> 00:37:05.039
It doesn't always have to be when life is coming at you on all cylinders.
00:37:05.199 --> 00:37:15.679
You know, it can all it can just be someone to talk to who is, you know, trained to help guide you through overcoming certain obstacles and things in our lives.
00:37:15.760 --> 00:37:34.000
Like, yeah, we can talk to our friends and stuff, but nine times out of 10, the people that we want to talk to either haven't dealt with what we're dealing with or really aren't in the don't have the capacity, I'll say, to help lead us out of those cycles and lead us onto uh a higher ground.
00:37:35.360 --> 00:37:39.039
Um, Bernita, are you in any type of therapy right now?
00:37:40.719 --> 00:37:45.360
No, no, but I think after this, I I probably will.
00:37:45.519 --> 00:37:50.400
I mean, I work with therapists, I work in a counseling center, it's my full-time job.
00:37:50.559 --> 00:37:55.920
So I know the benefits of it and what you know, and I probably need to hire a coach.
00:37:56.000 --> 00:37:57.599
Uh uh, yeah.
00:37:57.840 --> 00:37:59.119
I need all the things.
00:37:59.280 --> 00:38:00.159
So that's why.
00:38:00.320 --> 00:38:20.480
So had I had information about these sort of things as a young person, as a young girl, um not that I'd be better off because I think I'm I think I manage my life pretty well, but uh had I had that type of mentorship, uh I probably would handle things a lot more better.
00:38:20.559 --> 00:38:24.000
I wouldn't crash out, I wouldn't like, you know, do all of the things.
00:38:24.079 --> 00:38:29.199
So I'm glad these, you know, you have college conversations and we're having these meaningful conversations.
00:38:29.599 --> 00:38:40.159
There's so many people and women, men, all the things, you know, in the black community, therapy is like, you know, you got to be crazy, you got to be losing your mind.
00:38:40.639 --> 00:38:43.679
You know, but I'm not losing my mind.
00:38:43.760 --> 00:38:46.000
But I think that these things are are are important.
00:38:46.159 --> 00:38:52.320
I wish I would have had this as a younger age, but now after after today's episode, I think I will be gone.
00:38:52.559 --> 00:38:56.159
I tried it once, it didn't work out well, so I'll try it again.
00:38:56.400 --> 00:38:58.079
Yeah, and that's the that's the thing.
00:38:58.239 --> 00:38:59.679
You just keep trying it out.
00:38:59.920 --> 00:39:05.599
I really wish that we could hear Jewel because Jewel have an amazing platform.
00:39:05.840 --> 00:39:07.360
An amazing platform.
00:39:07.679 --> 00:39:12.639
And um, I want you to, if you can, I want you to link up with Jewel.
00:39:13.119 --> 00:39:14.480
Um, she fired.
00:39:14.800 --> 00:39:15.599
She fires.
00:39:15.840 --> 00:39:17.679
So, um, and that's just it.
00:39:17.760 --> 00:39:20.320
I was gonna go back to uh what you were saying about therapy.
00:39:20.480 --> 00:39:25.360
Sometimes, you know, you go every month, sometimes you go, you know, every week.
00:39:25.599 --> 00:39:34.480
And I know I haven't had any therapy probably in the last year and a half, and I know that I need to find me a therapist.
00:39:34.639 --> 00:39:38.239
I I have to, and when I first started on this journey, you're right.
00:39:38.320 --> 00:39:42.000
I had me every coach there's I didn't know.
00:39:42.159 --> 00:39:42.719
I didn't know.
00:39:42.800 --> 00:39:47.519
I'm like, listen, I need this coach, that coach, that this coach, and I paid for them all too.
00:39:47.679 --> 00:39:52.000
I paid for them all because I knew that I wanted to get well.
00:39:52.159 --> 00:39:55.119
I knew that I wasn't I wasn't well, I knew it.
00:39:55.280 --> 00:39:57.599
So that was very, very important to me.
00:39:57.760 --> 00:40:06.719
What um what do you think are some practical tools and habits people can um have to help them start healing?
00:40:07.280 --> 00:40:08.639
Journaling is good.
00:40:08.880 --> 00:40:10.239
Oh, bomb.com.
00:40:10.400 --> 00:40:10.719
Yeah.
00:40:11.039 --> 00:40:11.840
Journaling.
00:40:12.079 --> 00:40:20.639
Um even if you do voice note notes to yourself on your iPhone if you have that, um, but journaling, because journaling has helped me.
00:40:20.960 --> 00:40:24.320
Um when I'm feeling a certain way, I just write, write.
00:40:24.719 --> 00:40:27.679
You know, and plus you know, do your daily affirmations.
00:40:28.079 --> 00:40:29.039
Um, I do those.
00:40:29.679 --> 00:40:36.079
I'm a person that um does not think very highly of herself.
00:40:37.119 --> 00:40:37.679
That makes sense.
00:40:38.159 --> 00:40:39.039
Like if you see me.
00:40:39.599 --> 00:40:41.119
I know it's all kinds of things.
00:40:41.360 --> 00:40:45.199
Um but you know, I I used to dress very baggy, you know.
00:40:45.280 --> 00:40:52.079
I I didn't show my body because you know that's the body is what got me in trouble in the first place, I think.
00:40:52.239 --> 00:40:52.719
You know.
00:40:53.440 --> 00:40:59.440
So it's like it's some it's layers, but I'm just saying, journaling, writing things out, that tends to help.
00:40:59.599 --> 00:41:00.079
Yeah.
00:41:00.400 --> 00:41:02.000
Oh Lord, I think I'm back.
00:41:02.079 --> 00:41:02.880
Can y'all hear me?
00:41:04.639 --> 00:41:07.199
Jesus Cridy, I had to get on the iPad.
00:41:07.440 --> 00:41:08.800
I'm so sorry, y'all.
00:41:10.800 --> 00:41:12.239
We can hear you now.
00:41:12.719 --> 00:41:13.840
Okay, good, good.
00:41:13.920 --> 00:41:20.159
Because I was I had a few things to say, but you know, yes, just jump right in there, girl.
00:41:21.760 --> 00:41:24.480
I'm like, let me figure, let me pull this iPad out.
00:41:24.559 --> 00:41:26.559
We ain't got it for nothing, right?
00:41:26.960 --> 00:41:30.400
Yeah, this is working better because then I can't hook up to my hotspot.
00:41:30.559 --> 00:41:31.679
But okay, I'm back.
00:41:31.760 --> 00:41:32.480
I'm back, y'all.
00:41:32.880 --> 00:41:33.840
Where we at?
00:41:35.840 --> 00:41:49.119
We were talking about how important this is um therapy, um, coaching, mentorship, and what are some tools that you know people can use so that they can start healing?
00:41:50.239 --> 00:41:52.239
I definitely think they're very important.
00:41:52.400 --> 00:42:02.239
I think the problem is our community, the black community, have such a stigma on therapy, but you want to know the root of where that started.
00:42:02.880 --> 00:42:07.519
I know everybody on here heard what what stay what happened in this house stays in this house.
00:42:07.840 --> 00:42:15.280
So we have learned to not talk about what we're experiencing in our homes and our whatever the case may be.
00:42:15.440 --> 00:42:18.079
So it's kind of this fear of being judged.
00:42:18.400 --> 00:42:30.480
I think life coaching is a little bit more digestible for our community because it ain't at it ain't a therapist, but I think um everybody need it.
00:42:30.960 --> 00:42:46.159
Everybody need it, everybody has experienced something that they should work through and they need to heal from, but that shame, that shame that's attached to most of your trauma keeps you from wanting to talk about it or hurting other people.
00:42:46.320 --> 00:43:03.599
But I think the thing about that is we don't even realize we're trying to make somebody else comfortable, and nine times out of ten, the person that we're trying to hold and not allow them to be affected by our truth is someone who hurt us, right?
00:43:05.199 --> 00:43:05.599
Right.
00:43:05.840 --> 00:43:07.840
So why am I coddling you?
00:43:08.239 --> 00:43:11.920
Because we're we're we're where was the coddles when I needed them.
00:43:13.280 --> 00:43:22.639
So I do, I think therapy is very much needed, but we have to make it we have to remove the stigma from it.
00:43:23.360 --> 00:43:26.000
Well, I I don't know what the problem is.
00:43:26.079 --> 00:43:36.400
Well, yes, I do, just like you said, but the thing is is that um people will run out and buy them$250 Jordans.
00:43:37.519 --> 00:43:44.320
I seen a line that was from the doorway of a beauty supply store.
00:43:44.480 --> 00:43:51.199
This was their grand opening down street and around the corner with all of us there, us folk.
00:43:52.320 --> 00:43:59.760
And we were there to get that hair or whatever it was, and it it kills me.
00:44:00.480 --> 00:44:07.599
That you will offer our community something free that you know is going to benefit you.
00:44:08.559 --> 00:44:10.719
It will benefit your children.
00:44:11.119 --> 00:44:21.599
It will it will address those social determinants of health, all that, and they will not pay no attention to that.
00:44:22.159 --> 00:44:23.920
Well, you know why.
00:44:24.400 --> 00:44:25.360
No, there's comfort.
00:44:26.400 --> 00:44:27.920
There's comfort in the chaos.
00:44:28.079 --> 00:44:34.880
We already, when you already know how something's going to end, this it's a little bit of this control thing that you need, right?
00:44:35.280 --> 00:44:36.880
Change is not easy.
00:44:36.960 --> 00:44:38.400
Healing is not easy work.
00:44:38.559 --> 00:44:45.119
And I think a lot of social media has made it so performative that they're not really giving people the real behind the scenes.
00:44:45.280 --> 00:44:53.519
So when they start calling themselves healing, they get to get hit with all of the emotions of it, and they'd be like, Yeah, and this is a no for me.
00:44:53.599 --> 00:44:55.119
I'm not gonna be able to do this.
00:44:55.440 --> 00:45:01.519
But that's where the resources come in, that's where the therapists come in, that's where the life coach comes in, that's where journaling comes in.
00:45:01.679 --> 00:45:08.800
But people are so comfortable in just knowing how the chaos ends that they'd rather just keep repeating that cycle.
00:45:08.880 --> 00:45:09.599
It's like, why not?
00:45:09.679 --> 00:45:11.920
I already know how this goes, I already know how it goes.
00:45:12.000 --> 00:45:18.480
So I'm already somewhat mentally and emotionally prepared, even though I know this is not what I really want to be doing.
00:45:18.719 --> 00:45:23.519
I'm already prepared for how it's gonna go, but they don't they have a fear of the unknown.
00:45:23.599 --> 00:45:25.119
Well, what's on the other side of healing?
00:45:25.360 --> 00:45:28.480
Peace, peace, period.
00:45:30.480 --> 00:45:34.000
Um it's hard to get there.
00:45:34.159 --> 00:45:38.400
I just was having a conversation with one of my friends, and she was like, You really just don't go.
00:45:38.639 --> 00:45:39.679
I have made peace.
00:45:39.760 --> 00:45:44.400
You do you know that it's so many people out here running from their cells?
00:45:44.639 --> 00:45:56.079
That's why they out every weekend, that's why they staying in these relationships, they staying in these friendships that they ain't even having any kind of benefit from because they can't sit with themselves.
00:45:56.639 --> 00:46:03.119
The minute they sit at home in quiet, they being attacked by their own demons, they shadows.
00:46:03.280 --> 00:46:10.000
So they're like, Yeah, let me go ahead and get outside and go be around somebody so I can uh deflect from what's really going on.
00:46:10.159 --> 00:46:16.639
But I think people fail to realize that's how you heal, sit in that, feel it, release it.
00:46:17.119 --> 00:46:22.480
The more you run from it, the more it's gonna chase you down, and the bigger it grows, yes, ma'am.
00:46:22.719 --> 00:46:23.360
The bigger it grows.
00:46:23.760 --> 00:46:26.480
So now you got 45 other cycles to repeat to heal.
00:46:26.960 --> 00:46:27.440
You keep going.
00:46:28.239 --> 00:46:32.320
Well, then if that's the case, well then how how do we stop this thing?
00:46:32.400 --> 00:46:36.880
This this thing from growing, this just generational curse thing.
00:46:37.440 --> 00:46:38.639
How do we stop it?
00:46:38.960 --> 00:46:43.360
We're doing it now, talking about it, and and we we're trying to work and do it now.
00:46:43.440 --> 00:47:02.719
We just have to keep putting that awareness out there, we have to be the example, they have to see it in real time, and then they can be like, Oh, okay, I'm I'm noticing that just even stepping out here into the life coaching and being more vulnerable about the things that I've experienced, and now people are seeing how my life is turned around.
00:47:02.880 --> 00:47:07.360
They the peace is written all over me, and so they're like, Well, how you how you get there?
00:47:07.440 --> 00:47:08.639
Well, let me help you.
00:47:08.960 --> 00:47:09.760
Are you ready?
00:47:09.840 --> 00:47:13.760
Because it's scary, exactly, exactly.
00:47:14.000 --> 00:47:20.079
So we just have to keep being out there on the forefront, um putting it in their face.
00:47:20.159 --> 00:47:21.840
This is what you this is what you need.
00:47:21.920 --> 00:47:36.400
This, and you know, eventually we ain't gonna be able to help everybody, but it'll it'll be a domino effect because even if you help one woman and then she helps her child, or she helps a woman in her in her circle, it it you know, it just it that's how it goes.
00:47:36.559 --> 00:47:41.039
We just have to be the change we want to see, and it don't matter if all we help is one person.
00:47:41.599 --> 00:47:43.119
You're absolutely right about that.
00:47:43.199 --> 00:47:48.880
Because I'm gonna tell you, when I first got into life coaching, I'm like, honey, I had the the prettiest cape.
00:47:48.960 --> 00:47:50.320
Y'all should see my cape.
00:47:50.559 --> 00:47:53.199
I will get ready to go save the whole world, okay?
00:47:53.519 --> 00:47:58.800
I want look, this is all you have to do, and it just didn't work like that, you know.
00:47:59.039 --> 00:48:03.920
Um, I I can remember the day I took that cape off and I was like, I'm done with that.
00:48:04.239 --> 00:48:08.400
One-on-ones helping people was just not good for me.
00:48:08.559 --> 00:48:13.199
It took so much out of me, it took so much out of me.
00:48:13.360 --> 00:48:16.159
What I do love is group coaching.
00:48:16.719 --> 00:48:17.519
I love it.
00:48:17.599 --> 00:48:18.159
I love it.
00:48:18.239 --> 00:48:25.840
I love being in a setting with other women because I mean, just because I have the title life coach don't mean that I know everything, right?
00:48:26.000 --> 00:48:27.920
I like to give with other women.
00:48:28.079 --> 00:48:34.400
Y'all, you might know more than like I always tell Robin, I love hearing Robin talk.
00:48:34.559 --> 00:48:36.639
I always listen to Robin talk.
00:48:37.360 --> 00:48:38.159
Mm-hmm.
00:48:38.639 --> 00:48:41.440
I steal her words and everything.
00:48:41.599 --> 00:48:44.559
So I'm trying to, you know, learn my words and things like that.
00:48:44.639 --> 00:48:52.079
So I'm really trying to be around people that's smarter than me or know more than I do because I want to steal some of that stuff.
00:48:52.159 --> 00:48:55.920
You know, I'm that's that's that's a part of my healing too, you know.
00:48:56.000 --> 00:49:01.039
Yeah, not not feeling feeling like I was ever capable.
00:49:01.519 --> 00:49:08.400
So I never I never thought about learning different words or how to express myself.
00:49:08.719 --> 00:49:16.639
It has been a journey trying to articulate how I feel and what I think, you know, and now I'm trying to learn.
00:49:16.719 --> 00:49:27.920
I'm trying to learn to slow down and say exactly what it is that I'm uh I mean and um which direction I'm trying to go and all that good stuff, you know.
00:49:28.159 --> 00:49:31.199
So yeah, that's a part of my my healing.
00:49:32.800 --> 00:49:43.039
So what would you say, or any of you, what would you say to anybody that feels like they are broken beyond repair?
00:49:43.199 --> 00:49:45.840
Like I'm just too fucked up to fix.
00:49:46.800 --> 00:49:48.079
Simple as that.
00:49:50.159 --> 00:49:52.480
I would say take it one day at a time.
00:49:52.639 --> 00:49:55.199
I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day.
00:49:55.360 --> 00:49:57.039
Um, take it one day at a time.
00:49:57.199 --> 00:50:07.119
I don't think that anyone or anything can be too broken to fix unless that's what you're considered to, unless you don't want to be fixed or you don't want to be healed.
00:50:07.280 --> 00:50:14.719
Some people like, you know, they're they're settled on the idea that they are, we'll go back to damaged goods.
00:50:14.880 --> 00:50:21.360
They're settled on the idea, you know, that they're they're no good for anyone else because of XYZ.
00:50:21.599 --> 00:50:26.880
It's a mind shift, it's a mindset shift that happened and a shift in the mindset.
00:50:27.039 --> 00:50:32.400
And once that mindset shifts, you can start rebuilding yourself piece by piece.
00:50:32.559 --> 00:50:39.760
Um, there's no linear roadmap, there's no straightforward path, but it is healing is possible for everybody.
00:50:39.920 --> 00:50:42.159
And I'm just gonna be the person to say it.
00:50:42.320 --> 00:50:44.480
And it's through God, you know.
00:50:44.800 --> 00:50:50.079
We we we have to tap into the God within us in order to heal ourselves sometimes.
00:50:50.159 --> 00:50:59.920
Sometimes we be looking so much on the outside of us to be healed, reaching for you know, all the journals and all the life coaching at XYZ.
00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:08.880
And sometimes it is as simple as first of all being honest with yourself and and doing the work within yourself and accepting who you really are.
00:51:09.280 --> 00:51:21.679
That that lack of I think the biggest issue for a lot of people, even the people who don't want to go to therapy, is the simple fact that they don't want to be honest with with themselves about themselves.
00:51:21.920 --> 00:51:29.360
They like they want to hold on to their their inflated egos and their idea of who they believe they are because it's safer there.
00:51:30.000 --> 00:51:31.920
You're talking about that mirror, Jewel.
00:51:32.320 --> 00:51:32.800
I know.
00:51:32.880 --> 00:51:34.239
I baby, she was hitting on.
00:51:34.320 --> 00:51:37.599
I said, Well, I got nothing to say because that's exactly it for me.
00:51:37.760 --> 00:51:53.440
The where of self-awareness we talk about you earlier, yes, the self-awareness is so key, and honestly, just it's is you're you're not broken beyond repair, but that is if that's how you think, that's what it'll be.
00:51:53.679 --> 00:51:56.239
And I'm one of those type of for my coaching.
00:51:56.320 --> 00:51:58.480
Well, that's what you believe about yourself.
00:51:58.800 --> 00:52:01.360
Wow, is that what you believe about yourself?
00:52:01.519 --> 00:52:05.920
Because I'll tell you what, everything you believe about yourself will manifest into your reality, right?
00:52:06.159 --> 00:52:12.880
And so if you believe that you are broken beyond repair, you made that choice.
00:52:13.119 --> 00:52:16.559
You made that choice, and you don't need to that's a choice you're now making, yeah.
00:52:16.800 --> 00:52:23.840
Because you are you are every day you get up, you are in control of you and how you decide to show up.
00:52:24.159 --> 00:52:26.559
So, absolutely not, right?
00:52:26.800 --> 00:52:27.519
Absolutely not.
00:52:27.679 --> 00:52:31.440
No, you just need to be aware and honest.
00:52:32.000 --> 00:52:33.119
That's the key.
00:52:33.280 --> 00:52:34.400
That's the key.
00:52:34.639 --> 00:52:42.960
Speak the truth and stop thinking about and worrying about anybody else and how they'll be affected by it because your truth is your truth.
00:52:43.199 --> 00:52:49.679
There may have been other parties involved in the environment that they have a different perspective, and that's okay.
00:52:50.800 --> 00:52:54.880
That's okay, but your perspective is as loud as well, right?
00:52:55.039 --> 00:53:03.519
And I agree with you on that, and I feel like without telling your truth, we're gonna go back to this one more time.
00:53:03.599 --> 00:53:04.880
Let me just say this.
00:53:05.199 --> 00:53:15.280
This was like a cancer that was growing in my body, and I didn't I didn't only crash out, I did some horrible things, okay?
00:53:15.679 --> 00:53:20.639
I did horrible things, and I did horrible things to people because of it.
00:53:20.800 --> 00:53:23.440
There's a cancer in my body that was growing.
00:53:23.599 --> 00:53:26.000
I was mad as hell, okay?
00:53:27.039 --> 00:53:33.440
But I am glad that God stepped in and was like, enough is enough is enough, girl.
00:53:33.519 --> 00:53:34.239
Now stop.
00:53:35.360 --> 00:53:36.800
Let's get this together.
00:53:38.000 --> 00:53:39.360
And I'm happy about that.
00:53:39.440 --> 00:53:40.559
And I'm happy about that.
00:53:40.719 --> 00:53:46.880
And even now, my relationships have changed with people because of my truth.
00:53:47.760 --> 00:53:57.280
But the one thing that they can't tell they can't say to me is that I'm a liar, you know, and that you know, I'm I'm not I'm not telling the truth.
00:53:57.360 --> 00:54:01.599
You know it happened, you know it happened, you know, it's my truth.
00:54:01.920 --> 00:54:06.239
It's mine, and I'm and like Robin said, you gotta go back to God.
00:54:06.400 --> 00:54:06.800
Yeah.
00:54:06.960 --> 00:54:23.360
I I I firmly believe that, and I know we got people in the world who may not, and that's okay, because there may not be the people that I'm trying to speak to, but I ultimately believe getting more clear and getting that relationship with him helps you see what he saw in you.
00:54:23.519 --> 00:54:43.039
You see the you see the higher version of yourself before the world dumped all of whatever it dumped onto you, whatever experiences were done throughout the course of your life, underneath all of that is still something worthy.
00:54:43.280 --> 00:54:45.599
You are still worthy, you are still enough.
00:54:45.840 --> 00:54:50.400
God already saw that in you, and sometimes we need to turn reframe.
00:54:51.440 --> 00:54:56.320
Had we not all been through the things that we've been through, would we be here trying to turn the world around?
00:54:56.559 --> 00:54:59.920
Come on, no, you know what I mean?
00:55:00.079 --> 00:55:03.280
So, like, I have to really look at my trauma.
00:55:03.519 --> 00:55:14.320
Yes, it was yes, it was rough, but like, look where I'm at now, look where I'm standing at now, and now I can help somebody else walk through theirs.
00:55:14.880 --> 00:55:21.440
We have to be that light sometimes at the end of the tunnel to help the other people in the dark see their way through.
00:55:21.760 --> 00:55:22.880
You better say it.
00:55:22.960 --> 00:55:24.079
And you know what else?
00:55:24.400 --> 00:55:25.039
What else?
00:55:25.199 --> 00:55:29.199
I I used to ask God, and he would never answer me either and piss me off.
00:55:29.360 --> 00:55:31.440
But I used to ask God, why me?
00:55:31.599 --> 00:55:35.280
Why, if you love me, why did you love why?
00:55:35.440 --> 00:55:36.960
Why would you let that happen to me?
00:55:37.119 --> 00:55:37.840
You love me?
00:55:38.480 --> 00:55:39.119
Why me?
00:55:39.280 --> 00:55:40.960
He said, What better person?
00:55:41.760 --> 00:55:44.239
Anybody else would have would have died from it.
00:55:44.559 --> 00:55:45.280
Would have broke.
00:55:45.679 --> 00:55:46.159
Do you hear me?
00:55:46.960 --> 00:55:49.039
They would have broke, died everything else.
00:55:49.280 --> 00:55:51.119
He knew I can handle it.
00:55:51.679 --> 00:55:52.639
I was the one.
00:55:52.800 --> 00:55:54.639
Come on, I was the one, honey.
00:55:54.800 --> 00:55:59.440
And I always say this about when it comes even in my family.
00:55:59.760 --> 00:56:07.840
There was there's so much trauma that has happened in my family, starting all the way back to my grandmother.
00:56:08.239 --> 00:56:11.119
Just this trauma, you know.
00:56:11.440 --> 00:56:14.639
My mother was 14 when she gave birth to me.
00:56:14.800 --> 00:56:16.320
14 years old.
00:56:16.639 --> 00:56:17.360
14.
00:56:17.760 --> 00:56:19.039
That should say something.
00:56:19.199 --> 00:56:23.920
Another one of my aunts was 12 when she gave birth to her first.
00:56:24.079 --> 00:56:25.519
She wrote a book about it.
00:56:26.480 --> 00:56:35.679
That says a lot about what was going on, and that thing that goes back to what you said, Jewel, was what goes on in my house stays in my house.
00:56:37.679 --> 00:56:39.519
Okay, so listen.
00:56:39.679 --> 00:56:43.119
Anyways, but we we about to go to a little deep, a little too late.
00:56:44.320 --> 00:56:48.400
You know, we always end up in the D in the D pen.
00:56:49.440 --> 00:56:50.719
Okay, y'all.
00:56:50.800 --> 00:56:53.280
What does peace look like to y'all now?
00:56:55.920 --> 00:56:57.440
Peace looks like y'all.
00:56:57.599 --> 00:56:59.039
Y'all have given me peace.
00:57:00.400 --> 00:57:01.599
Oh, I love that.
00:57:02.000 --> 00:57:09.039
It looks like y'all, it looks like women empowering women, um, talking about the difficult things.
00:57:09.199 --> 00:57:20.800
Like back in the day, nobody talked about the difficult things, and now we have these platforms where you can see strong women that have been through the same thing that you have been through, and that can help you.
00:57:20.880 --> 00:57:22.320
Like this is peace for me.
00:57:22.400 --> 00:57:23.679
So I just want to say thank you.
00:57:26.400 --> 00:57:27.360
You're welcome.
00:57:29.119 --> 00:57:40.559
So I'm gonna ask each one of y'all this question if your younger self could hear you right now, what would you say to them, Robin?
00:57:43.840 --> 00:57:45.039
You know you that bitch.
00:57:46.639 --> 00:57:57.760
I don't know if that's terrible, but that's the short version, and you told me to keep it short, so that's the short version.
00:57:58.320 --> 00:58:31.679
But I say that twice, like I said, because the way, the way, the things, the like just thinking about the things that my younger self went through growing up, like from being bullied in the home to being bullied when I left the home, to, you know, second guessing myself, to, yeah, it's so many different things that I could say, like that, you know, really piled on my psyche on top of the things, you know, that I went through as a child.
00:58:31.840 --> 00:58:37.519
And it was just like, oh my God, I had to peel myself back layer by layer by layer.
00:58:37.599 --> 00:58:41.920
And even still, you know, in my mid-40s, I am still peeling back the layers.
00:58:42.079 --> 00:58:45.360
But believe and trust, I now know who I am.
00:58:45.679 --> 00:58:54.639
And because I can stand on that and believe that everything that the younger me believed about myself is not true, those things are not true, you know.
00:58:54.880 --> 00:58:56.719
And so that's where that came from.
00:58:56.800 --> 00:59:02.960
I wasn't trying to be really cocky, but at the end of the day, that you like I really had to tell her, like, yeah, you were really that girl.
00:59:03.199 --> 00:59:05.679
So thank you for that.
00:59:05.840 --> 00:59:06.800
I love it.
00:59:07.119 --> 00:59:08.719
I love it, Jewel.
00:59:10.800 --> 00:59:34.239
Who if my younger self, if I could talk to my younger self, I would tell her that yes, it's going to be a rough road maintaining such a pure heart through all that you're going to endure, but ultimately you end up becoming everything that you knew you were outside of everything that you experienced.
00:59:34.639 --> 00:59:35.920
Come on, Woo-Boo.
00:59:37.920 --> 00:59:40.079
Look at Jules being all classy.
00:59:40.159 --> 00:59:41.280
I love it so much.
00:59:44.880 --> 00:59:46.320
Baby, she always knew.
00:59:46.480 --> 00:59:54.400
I literally, when I look back at my pictures, like you would never know I was going through the things that I was going through.
00:59:54.639 --> 01:00:02.480
And she maintained, like, I have so many people that tell me that, like, when you go through, you've been through the stuff that you've been through, like, how is your heart so pure?
01:00:02.960 --> 01:00:05.519
And I just never let none of that stuff make me bitter.
01:00:05.599 --> 01:00:10.880
Like, there was just always a nagging thing in me that said, Oh, it's gonna be worth it in the end.
01:00:11.039 --> 01:00:17.519
Just stay, just stay kind, stay gracious, stay graceful, um, and keep pushing.
01:00:18.159 --> 01:00:18.719
Keep pushing.
01:00:19.840 --> 01:00:20.719
That's what's up.
01:00:21.360 --> 01:00:23.519
Okay, Bernita, come on with it.
01:00:25.039 --> 01:00:33.679
It would be that you are more than just your body, you are smart, you are intelligent, and you do have a pretty face.
01:00:33.760 --> 01:00:42.079
You are beautiful, you have such a sweetheart, and you are just you might not be everybody's cup of tea, but you are somebody.
01:00:42.159 --> 01:00:43.760
That's what I would tell my younger son.
01:00:46.400 --> 01:00:46.960
I love that.
01:00:49.360 --> 01:00:52.559
Yes, you ain't gotta be everybody's cup of tea, but you still will be sip.
01:00:52.719 --> 01:00:53.840
Ain't that what they be saying?
01:00:58.159 --> 01:01:00.079
You still won't be sip, Tanny.
01:01:00.320 --> 01:01:11.039
Yes, well, as for me, what I would tell my younger self, and I always do, girl, listen, they're gonna pay for what they did.
01:01:11.519 --> 01:01:15.679
Okay, and we ain't talking about fighting, cussing, and fussing.
01:01:16.000 --> 01:01:18.159
We're gonna prove them wrong.
01:01:18.800 --> 01:01:19.840
And that's it, that's all.
01:01:19.920 --> 01:01:21.599
God, I've got I'm special.
01:01:21.760 --> 01:01:22.480
I'm special.
01:01:22.559 --> 01:01:24.960
You might not see me as special, but I am.
01:01:25.280 --> 01:01:34.159
God didn't allow me to go through all that I went through, all that I went through when I think about it, I be like, How?
01:01:35.440 --> 01:01:39.280
He didn't allow me to go through all that just to be some ordinary person.
01:01:40.800 --> 01:01:42.559
He gave me an assignment.
01:01:42.800 --> 01:01:45.360
This assignment is hard as hell, I ain't gonna lie.
01:01:45.599 --> 01:01:48.960
But he gave me an assignment, and I ain't backing down.
01:01:49.119 --> 01:02:05.119
So whoever don't like it, whoever don't like me telling my story, whoever don't like me telling my truth, whoever don't like my nose, whoever don't like my boundaries, all of them can go to hell, and that's just how I feel about it.
01:02:05.280 --> 01:02:08.639
Okay, that's right, yeah, yeah.
01:02:13.920 --> 01:02:15.599
I love that, I love that.
01:02:15.840 --> 01:02:17.199
Period, period.
01:02:17.840 --> 01:02:28.079
Well, ladies, do y'all have any last words, anything that you want to leave with people about healing, about about this childhood trauma?
01:02:28.320 --> 01:02:33.199
Because this this is a deep subject, and there's no way in the world we can cover this in in one hour.
01:02:33.280 --> 01:02:35.840
There's there's just no way, there's no way.
01:02:36.079 --> 01:02:50.400
We all have stories um that we can tell about things that happened to us in our childhood that can help a lot of different people, and but we we just we just don't have all the time in the world for it.
01:02:50.559 --> 01:02:54.800
So starting with Miss Vernita, do you have any last words, boo?
01:02:54.960 --> 01:03:00.480
And then while you when you get done with your last words, tell people where they can find you in your business.
01:03:04.079 --> 01:03:09.119
Um, my last words would be don't be afraid to tell your story.
01:03:09.679 --> 01:03:15.679
Um just think outside the box, it'll be fine.
01:03:15.840 --> 01:03:23.440
I can be found at Simply Made Customs1 on Instagram and TikTok and Facebook.
01:03:24.320 --> 01:03:25.119
Thank you.
01:03:25.440 --> 01:03:26.159
You're welcome.
01:03:26.320 --> 01:03:27.280
Miss Robin.
01:03:28.000 --> 01:03:28.960
Any last words?
01:03:29.199 --> 01:03:35.360
I would say, yes, I would just remind everybody, just a brief reminder.
01:03:35.599 --> 01:03:37.199
Like, yes, you went through that.
01:03:37.360 --> 01:03:41.039
Yes, it hurt, yes, it sucked, yes, it bruised your ego.
01:03:41.199 --> 01:03:45.440
Yes, you feel like you might not look quite the same in the mirror after going through all of that.
01:03:45.599 --> 01:03:48.800
However, you are not the sum total of what you've been through.
01:03:49.119 --> 01:03:50.639
You you are not what you've been through.
01:03:50.800 --> 01:03:51.920
That's a part of your story.
01:03:52.000 --> 01:03:56.559
So allow that to push you into purpose and not push you away from it.
01:03:56.719 --> 01:04:06.880
Um, I can be found at one to empower o-n-e, the number two, m-p-o-w-er.com or on IG.
01:04:08.159 --> 01:04:09.760
Thank you, Robin.
01:04:10.000 --> 01:04:10.960
Miss Jill Carta.
01:04:12.400 --> 01:04:13.920
You of course, honey.
01:04:14.719 --> 01:04:15.760
Miss Jokar.
01:04:16.559 --> 01:04:29.440
I would have to say, in in regards to the childhood trauma, um, you didn't deserve everything that you went through and experience, but you do not have to stay stuck there.
01:04:30.000 --> 01:04:34.639
As an adult, you do have a choice to turn that pain into power.
01:04:35.679 --> 01:04:44.960
Um, and you know, I can be found at the Jewel Carter on Instagram, Facebook, and The Mirror Speaks on TikTok.
01:04:45.199 --> 01:04:46.480
That's what's up.
01:04:47.039 --> 01:04:48.079
Thank you so much.
01:04:48.159 --> 01:04:50.719
And my final words is that I love you all.
01:04:50.960 --> 01:04:51.440
I do.
01:04:51.599 --> 01:04:52.000
We love you.
01:04:52.559 --> 01:04:54.559
You are just, you know what?
01:04:54.719 --> 01:04:55.519
God is so good.
01:04:55.679 --> 01:04:57.920
I said, God, you need to send me my try.
01:04:58.480 --> 01:05:02.079
I mean, they take too long, and then it just started trickling.
01:05:05.119 --> 01:05:08.239
But I kept saying, Okay, I'm about to have to do this by myself, God.
01:05:08.400 --> 01:05:09.119
Come on, no.
01:05:10.239 --> 01:05:17.280
Jesus girl, don't give me such a heavy assignment, and I yeah, but I love y'all.
01:05:17.599 --> 01:05:19.039
No, it's funny you said that.
01:05:19.119 --> 01:05:30.960
I literally just got done telling somebody all my friendships end up turning to me, turning into me being uh uh they're the person who carries that weight emotionally, coaching them.
01:05:31.039 --> 01:05:37.119
And I don't I don't get can I just get some can somebody pour into me too?
01:05:37.360 --> 01:05:38.960
Can somebody pour in my cup?
01:05:39.039 --> 01:05:42.960
So I'm so grateful for you ladies.
01:05:43.119 --> 01:05:44.079
Y'all have no idea.
01:05:44.159 --> 01:05:45.039
I love y'all down.
01:05:45.599 --> 01:05:46.159
Exactly.
01:05:46.800 --> 01:05:48.880
And I want I want to say this too, Vernita.
01:05:48.960 --> 01:05:50.159
I want you to get with Jewel.
01:05:52.239 --> 01:05:53.360
I want you to get with Jewel.
01:05:53.599 --> 01:05:55.199
Jewel take her information down.
01:05:55.280 --> 01:05:55.840
I probably will.
01:05:55.920 --> 01:05:56.559
I like her spirit.
01:05:56.639 --> 01:05:57.679
You know, I go off vibe.
01:05:58.159 --> 01:05:58.719
Right, yes.
01:05:58.880 --> 01:06:14.239
I'm So uh, but anyway, ladies, we're gonna check out of here, and I'm hoping and praying that somebody got something from this conversation, and you can reach out to any one of us, any one of us.
01:06:14.400 --> 01:06:23.039
Of course, I am on Facebook at Venus Chandler, on Instagram, the real Venus111, and on TikTok, Venus Chandler.
01:06:23.199 --> 01:06:27.840
You can reach out to us, and of course, my number, I have a business number and a website.
01:06:28.000 --> 01:06:31.760
My phone number is 330-696-2260.
01:06:32.320 --> 01:06:38.880
Or you can reach me um via email, info at kteimpact.org.
01:06:39.119 --> 01:06:41.920
Okay, you guys, thank y'all for joining me today.
01:06:42.079 --> 01:06:43.679
Yes, I'll see you again.
01:06:44.000 --> 01:06:44.639
Bye, ladies.
01:06:44.880 --> 01:06:45.440
I love y'all.