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Welcome back to the Kingdom Grindset podcast.
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If you listened to last week's episode, my mom, Coach Jamie, and I went through the inbox of hundreds of teen girls who told us exactly what they're looking for in a guy.
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And honestly, reading those responses gave me a lot to think about.
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Originally, we were gonna have a whole crew of guys in the studio today to help us unpack it all, but plans kinda changed.
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So today, it's just me and my mom.
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But we're not backing down from the challenge.
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Today, I'm giving my raw reactions and opinions to the five major themes from a guy's perspective, and then we're gonna flip the script, talk about what guys are actually seeing and looking for in Christian ladies.
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Mom, let's get into it.
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Let's do it.
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I love it, Javon.
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And honestly, you as the solo voice for the guys is gonna be incredibly powerful.
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And so I'm excited about today.
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I'm excited about what we have been discussing over the last couple weeks, but I'm also really proud of these girls for how discerning they are.
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They aren't falling for the cultural hype.
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They want real substance, which is pretty awesome if you ask me.
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So let's look at these five themes through the lens of a guy trying to navigate middle school and high school.
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Hopefully, more high school and thereafter, but, you know.
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Yeah.
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Let's jump right into theme number one.
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The number one overarching theme these girls said has nothing to do with looks.
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Can you imagine that? No.
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Actually, none of them do.
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The number one thing Christian teen girls said that they would want in a godly guy when it's time to start dating is character.
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Ooh.
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They want a guy who is humble, kind, and has integrity, meaning they choose to do the right thing even when it's hard.
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They choose to do the right thing when nobody else is doing it, and they choose to do the right thing even when they're alone.
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That's the epitome of integrity.
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Yes.
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Something that this world does not have enough of these days.
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Usually, people go with the flow.
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Today, we're not really taught how to think, but we're taught what to think, and I think that's really dangerous in today's world.
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I agree 100%, 100%.
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Yeah, the culture tells these guys that if you don't look a certain way or have the right style or, you know, the broccoli hair or, like, whatever it is, I don't even know- I do not understand that.
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Also, I think- that you are invisible I think they're actually moving to reverse mullets again.
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Oh, fun.
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Revert? What's a rever- reverse mullet? Um, I mean, it's kinda close to what I usually get.
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It's a bit longer on the top and then shorter in the back.
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So it's not as bad.
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Oh, like the swoopy out, like a- Yeah Johnny Bravo? Not to that extent, but yeah.
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Kind of.
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If we're talking about one type of guy that girls definitely are not looking for, that's one of them.
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Exactly.
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He has no substance at all.
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If you guys don't know who that is- Yeah You're good.
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All right, so the culture tells us that if you don't look a certain way or have the right style, you are invisible.
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How refreshing or challenging is it to hear that these girls actually care way more about who you are in secret than who you are on the outside? Integrity's a lost art today.
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So- I would say- from that perspective maybe it's a bit more of a refresher.
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But at the same time, the reason why guys try to look good is not necessarily just for the girls.
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A lot of them do it for themselves and try to become somebody that they're actually, you know, proud of.
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While at the same time, yeah, girls may play a little part of that, like depending on like what style they're doing- I don't know I don't know I mean, the, thinking from a culture standard, you have these people who are like punching themself in the jaw, hitting themself with a hammer to make themselves look good.
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Why are they making themselves look good? It's for the girls.
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I guess.
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I don't know.
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I've never really been around in those circles, but there's something, something strange definitely going in their heads, that is for sure.
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So my question though more is like does it put pressure on guys, do you think, that they care more about their integrity? I don't really think it's more pressure.
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I think it's kind of a little bit of a gut punch though, because guys, they spend a lot of time working on their, you know, image, when everything else that, you know, goes on at home, they kind of try to hide that the best they can.
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They try to have, I don't know, I would say a mask.
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One person who they are in public, and then when they get home, they toss that mask.
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I can definitely guarantee that, like these guys, they wanna keep their image that they have outside of the home.
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They're trying to play somebody who they wanna become, not somebody who they actually are.
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So like they create their own persona.
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Yeah.
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Their avatar, if you will.
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Yeah.
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To like create this, this image of somebody that they're not.
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But the real work has to start on the inside.
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Yes.
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A lot of times we're working from the outside in, whenever we need to be working from the inside out.
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One of the biggest things that I hear told by so many guys if they're trying to get themselves to like change on like a behavioral level or something like that, is literally just fake it till you make it.
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Which I would not say is good by any standard.
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At least it's better than just- embracing the dark side and just becoming, I don't know, the worst version of yourself.
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So I think fake it till they make it, like, it's not something that I would encourage others to do.
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Same here.
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Except for if it comes to, like, you're scared.
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Yeah.
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You're stepping out and you're doing it afraid, and you're like, "Okay, I'm gonna fake this.
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I'm gonna act like I'm confident because I'm doing this.
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I'm going all in."
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And, like, in that manner I could see it, not necessarily with looks, but more, like, with God has called me to go and share the gospel with this person at the grocery store, and I'm, I'm terrified, but I'm gonna walk up there like I'm confident.
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Pretty much what they're doing is they're learning bravery without even realizing it.
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Mm-hmm, that's exactly it.
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Even...
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Cause bravery, what it is essentially is doing it afraid.
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I'd say integrity's huge, because we can all put that mask on like you were talking about and, and pretend that we are somebody that we're not.
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But if we're not doing the heart work, the work that only comes with you and your relationship with Jesus, what you're showing on the outside, you're always gonna live that double life.
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And when you're by yourself, you're gonna hate who you are because the most miserable person you can be is somebody that you're not.
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Yeah.
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The worst per- impossible version of yourself is a copy of somebody else.
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The second thing that these girls said that they want in a teen guy is they want a guy who leads spiritually.
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They're not looking for someone who is a theological genius, but they're looking for a guy who has his own walk with God, not just living off of their parents' faith.
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They want somebody who goes to church because they wanna grow, not just because they wanna hang out with their friends or because their parents drug them to church.
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Yeah, my pastor likes to call the people that were dragged to church drug babies.
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They're drug to church while they were babies, and they're still being drug to church now.
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Okay, hold on.
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No, probably don't use that without context.
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So let me ask you this next question.
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As a teen, it can be awkward to talk about God in your friend group, out in public with other people.
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But when these girls say that they are literally looking for a guy who practices his faith, does that give you confidence to be more bold in your relationship with Jesus, or do you think it gives other guys confidence to be more bold in their faith? I think if they actually knew that was something that girls cared about, I think it would help them, you know, get out, be a bit more bolder for Christ.
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I know it's definitely something that guys think about from time to time.
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But the hardest part is trying to discern, how would other people react if you were to talk about it? Because in this day and age, even the Christians don't act like Christians.
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So what you're saying is it's probably not, the girls are probably not their biggest motivation.
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Yeah.
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It's more fear? I would say yeah, fear of messing up, making the wrong step, and that's the biggest reason why we don't see it very much.
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Yeah.
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I know this is one of those things that I hear a lot from the girls, because I work with the girls, the teen girls.
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I hear this a lot is, like, they're not sure how to share their faith.
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Or honestly, I think it's just the enemy putting fear in our minds saying that you can't do this, or they're gonna think of you crazy.
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But- When I go back to think about my 17-year-old self, because I wasn't a Christian growing up, I got saved when I was 17, and the only reason I got saved was because somebody invited me to church.
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I wish that my friends would have stood up and said something to me.
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But because they were too afraid to, it took me through many, many years of pain and, like, just deep, deep, deep depression, dark place in my life because they were too afraid to stand up.
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Now, I wouldn't say that they're necessarily too afraid to stand up period.
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Because if there's one area they definitely have no problem with, that would be online.
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Speaking from even personal experience, I have a hard time going out to, like, random people and talking to them about Christ.
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But when it comes to, like, chat rooms, groups that are a part of, like, some kind of hobby you have, it is so easy to speak your mind because even if everyone's against you- That's because you're hiding behind a computer you're hiding behind a computer, but it still gives you, like, some kind of sense of security, 'cause you know that even if you mess up here, you can still try again.
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Yeah.
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And it won't have really any effect on the group.
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And I think you should do that online.
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I think that's absolutely important.
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But there is power one-on-one.
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Yeah.
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And you know.
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You've been there.
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Oh, definitely.
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You've been on missions to Jamaica and got to lead people to the Lord one-on-one, and it does something to you.
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Even if you mess up, at least try.
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Yeah.
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Because doing something and failing is better than doing nothing at all.
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Well, and, and most of the time too, they don't care.
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Yeah.
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They don't care if you mess up.
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Actually, I would say probably 100% of the time they don't care if you mess up.
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I've...
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There's a saying that you can't say the right thing to the wrong person or the wrong thing to the right person.
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Yeah.
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And that's so true.
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All right.
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So the third thing that these girls said that they want to see in a man is that he has a purpose and a direction.
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So this doesn't mean that his whole life is figured out, because I mean, most adults don't even have their lives figured out.
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What that means is the literal definition of Kingdom Grindset.
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Yeah.
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It's a guy who has goals, discipline, and is working towards something, whether that's a sport, a skill, a business, school.
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I mean, anything.
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They just don't want a guy who's just kind of like, eh, with life.
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Like, eh, whatever.
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Yeah.
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Like, they're, that's not what they're looking for.
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So my question for you on this one is, how does having a vision for your future and working hard right now change the way you carry yourself around girls? Honestly, it's not just around girls, and if you asked me this question I'd say maybe two weeks ago, I would have no idea what to say.
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But I've recently found something- That I'm passionate about, something that I'm working toward for an end goal.
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And honestly, it puts extra pep in your step.
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Honestly, that gives you, I'd say, a flare of life.
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It gives you that confidence that you need to keep on going even if you fail.
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No matter what it is, you, I don't know, miss out on your max deadlift or whatever, just go again until you get it right.
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'Cause once you get that determination, once you get that fire, that is what pushes you to achieve more.
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Even if can't do it yet, you can do it eventually.
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Yeah.
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I would say, like, with any of these, and with the n- other two that we're gonna be talking about, whether your motivation is girls or not, I think the key is your motivation is character.
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Yeah.
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So really that's what most of this is talking about, is talking about your character, your relationship with God.
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And as you walk in confidence, people notice.
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And so these girls that you're trying to attract, they're not the girls that are looking for you for your looks.
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The ones that you want to attract are the ones that are gonna look at you because of your confidence, because you're walking around not with self-confidence, but with God confidence.
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Charisma is what draws people towards you.
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Character is what keeps people.
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Unless you have character, the people who hang around you are not gonna stay.
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Mm-hmm.
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And the people who hang around you are not gonna help you get to your end goal.
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It's true.
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You have to know who you are and who you are in Christ, and know that those two things are one and the same.
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All right.
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So the fourth thing that these girls said that they want in a guy is that he is emotionally safe.
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So girls want a guy that they can be themselves around.
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They want consistency.
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They don't want a guy who's gonna play mind games, which is huge I think in today's culture.
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Manipulation is so big.
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They don't want a guy who's gonna flip, like, one minute and just be somebody totally different and crazy and, I don't know.
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Th- they don't want a guy that makes them feel like they're crazy for having feelings, because they are girls and they have emotions.
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They want stability.
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So my question for you on this one is, guys aren't always taught how to create emotional safety.
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When you hear that girls want honesty and consistency, what do you think that means for these guys? Well, I'm gonna start with the emotional aspect of it.
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Guys are supposed to not have any emotions.
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They're supposed to be stoic.
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They're supposed to be that emotionless rock that doesn't change for anything pretty much.
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But at the same time, if there is no emotion, there is no connection.
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So when it comes to anything, emotions are seen as a bad thing for guys, but it's also something that's actually really important and I think people need to talk about more.
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Well, let me ask you this: thinking of the strongest men in your life- Have you seen them be emotional? Oh, yeah.
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I mean, some of the strongest men I can think of, physically and also in maturity, that would be firefighters.
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These guys, they're buff, they're ready to run into a burning house, but at the same time, they're the first people that you're gonna see crying at a sappy movie.
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They're the first people that you're gonna see that are happy to come home, happy to know that they're just alive.
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The last thing that these girls want, and I think this one, this one is probably one that just hits me differently and in a good way, but the last thing that these girls want is they want a guy who protects her purity, not just his.
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And so this is huge.
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A girl wants a guy who doesn't want him to just protect his own purity, but also protect hers.
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A guy who sets boundaries, doesn't push limits, and values her as a person, and not just for what she can give him.
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This, I think in our culture today, is so important.
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How can Christian guys lock arms and help each other hold that standard? First things first, you gotta try to help them get a clear vision.
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You want guys that you can hang around that you know that even if you mess up, they're gonna practically slap you back into the right mindset.
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Now, at the same time, you wanna make sure these guys are good influences.
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I would find people who are strong Christians, and before you even think about starting to date, tell them personally, like, "I give you full permission to get me back on the right track.
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Slap me into submission if you have to."
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But you wanna make sure that you hold a equal footing with th- this person.
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You want it to be somebody that they can rely on, and you want them to be somebody you can rely on.
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Okay, so question for you about that.
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Has it been easy for you to find those guys for your life? Definitely not.
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It is definitely a rare find.
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I would say that a lot of the guys that you're hanging around now, that you could have had in your life Several years ago Yeah But, like, you didn't even see them several years ago.
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I mean, they were there.
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A couple years ago, I had a really, really bad mindset, because growing up through pretty much all of school, until it came to my senior year, I've always been an outcast.
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Wasn't that other people necessarily saw me as an outcast.
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I still saw myself as one.
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I looked at all these people, and I pretty much thought, Who am I to even th- approach these people? It's practically like they're royalty, and I'm a peasant."
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Now, I can't say that's necessarily a thing that a bunch of guys relate with, but I can't say it's not.
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I think more relate to it than you realize, because like you said earlier, many wear a mask.
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Yeah.
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And I mean, I saw this one kid years ago in youth ministry who, outgoing, center of attention.
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You'd think that this kid was so confident, and this kid, I remember he asked us one time, me and another youth leader, if he could help with something, and we didn't need his help at that time.
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And the look of rejection that was on his face as he walked away and then pretended like it never even happened.
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Like, he put that mask back on, and he was back, but, like, it was there in a split second, and if you weren't paying attention, you wouldn't have seen it, and I think that's what a lot of guys deal with.
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How do you find those friends? What do you look for in a friendship? Honestly, you don't really look for something.
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You kind of wait for God to happen.
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Because took time and started actually praying to God for it to happen- you don't necessarily have to look for them.
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God brings them to you.
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And now because I have gone through this with God, I have found good friends.
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you just heard the high standard that girls have for you, but most importantly, the higher standard God is calling you to, to become who it is that He created you to be.
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And so in order to get these five things that these girls want, I asked them three questions.
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I asked them, what is the number one quality you think every Christian teen guy needs before dating? What is the one thing you wish Christian teen guys understood about what it's like to be a teen girl today? And what is a green flag or a good sign that makes you respect a guy's faith? So I'm gonna ask you these three questions, and we'll see how this goes.
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What is the number one quality that you think every Christian teen girl needs before they start dating? Well, I guess one thing that kind of mirrors what girls said about guys, emotional maturity.
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Now, girls, they got their hormone stuff.
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I don't- go into that, and also know who you are before you go into a relationship.
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'Cause just with guys, once they get into a relationship, their relationship becomes their identity Once that breaks up, they're absolutely destroyed by it.
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Yeah, they have to know who they are in Christ that is out...
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Yeah, an identity that is outside of circumstances.
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Yeah, that's good.
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All right, next question.
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What is the one thing that you wish Christian girls knew about what it's like to be a teen guy today? I would have to say it's not all, barbells and roses.
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Barbells and roses.
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That's amazing.
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It's not as easy as it looks.
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Being a guy comes with tons of challenges in its own.
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How about this? Just because you talk to a girl doesn't mean you like her.
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That's another massive thing.
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Guys, not all the time, but a lot of the time just wanna be friends, even if they don't, they'd rather it start out that way.
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If a guy walks up to a girl, it doesn't mean, "Hey, I wanna date you."
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It means, "Hey, I find you interesting.
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Let's have a conversation."
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There's not usually much behind a guy's words 'cause believe it or not, guys are actually simple creatures.
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They usually think about three things.
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Food is two of them.
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So- That's amazing guys are not as, I don't know, big fan- I mean, there are guys that think about girls yeah.
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There are guys that think about girls.
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There are.
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But just because you talk to a girl doesn't mean you like her.
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Exactly.
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Doesn't mean you wanna date her.
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All right.
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What is a green flag or a good sign that makes you respect a girl's faith? I would say a confidence in what they believe.
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Like, there are girls that they'll be in their group, and they'll be talking about what they believe, and they'll be happy about it, which is the same way for guys, but the second that somebody comes up and says something else, they're either gonna back down, or they're gonna stand up.
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Or flip-flop.
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But what guys want is a girl that actually knows to stand their ground in their faith.
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Now, I can't say really anything for women, but when it comes to guys, it's definitely something that's also needed for them.
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So confidence in what they believe, God confidence, is one of the most important things.
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And something I just wanna throw in there, not necessarily to make a man respect a girl's faith, but just respect her period, is how she treats those who are close to her, her relatives, her siblings.
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How she treats them is going to go into how she treats others Or who she marries in the future- Exactly or dates in the future.
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By, I don't wanna say, like, be creepy and just watch her, but see how she reacts whenever her brother comes up and starts messing with her.
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See how she reacts to her parents whenever they tell her to do something.
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They respect her by seeing how she treats those who are around her.
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Javon, thank you so much for this conversation today.
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Like, thank you for keeping it real.
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Absolutely.
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Because I know that this, what we're talking about, is very, very important for these guys.
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Yeah.
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It's something that hopefully they can take for the rest of their lives.
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Yeah.
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Now, if you're a guy that's watching this on YouTube or listening to it on a podcast, it's time for us to step up and tune out the noise and lock in to a true Kingdom Grindset.
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Now, do me a favor.
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Hit that like button, subscribe, make sure to ring that notification bell so the next time one of our videos pops out or a new podcast, you can tune in.
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Mom, I just wanna say thank you so much for hopping on the show.
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Yeah.
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I love you.
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Thank you for having me.
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This was actually a really good conversation, I feel like, we've had these last couple weeks.
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And some of it does overlap with what we talked about- Oh, yeah but I hope that this really does help you to see inside the heart of a teen girl, but most importantly, who it is that God wants you to be.
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Yeah.
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So see you guys next week.
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Salutations.
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Welcome back to the Kingdom Grindset podcast.
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If you listened to last week's episode, my mom, Coach Jamie, and I went through the inbox of hundreds of teen girls who told us exactly what they're looking for in a guy.
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And honestly, reading those responses gave me a lot to think about.
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Originally, we were gonna have a whole crew of guys in the studio today to help us unpack it all, but plans kinda changed.
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So today, it's just me and my mom.
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But we're not backing down from the challenge.
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Today, I'm giving my raw reactions and opinions to the five major themes from a guy's perspective, and then we're gonna flip the script, talk about what guys are actually seeing and looking for in Christian ladies.
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Mom, let's get into it.
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Let's do it.
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I love it, Javon.
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And honestly, you as the solo voice for the guys is gonna be incredibly powerful.
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And so I'm excited about today.
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I'm excited about what we have been discussing over the last couple weeks, but I'm also really proud of these girls for how discerning they are.
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They aren't falling for the cultural hype.
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They want real substance, which is pretty awesome if you ask me.
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So let's look at these five themes through the lens of a guy trying to navigate middle school and high school.
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Hopefully, more high school and thereafter, but, you know.
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Yeah.
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Let's jump right into theme number one.
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The number one overarching theme these girls said has nothing to do with looks.
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Can you imagine that? No.
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Actually, none of them do.
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The number one thing Christian teen girls said that they would want in a godly guy when it's time to start dating is character.
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Ooh.
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They want a guy who is humble, kind, and has integrity, meaning they choose to do the right thing even when it's hard.
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They choose to do the right thing when nobody else is doing it, and they choose to do the right thing even when they're alone.
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That's the epitome of integrity.
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Yes.
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Something that this world does not have enough of these days.
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Usually, people go with the flow.
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Today, we're not really taught how to think, but we're taught what to think, and I think that's really dangerous in today's world.
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I agree 100%, 100%.
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Yeah, the culture tells these guys that if you don't look a certain way or have the right style or, you know, the broccoli hair or, like, whatever it is, I don't even know- I do not understand that.
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Also, I think- that you are invisible I think they're actually moving to reverse mullets again.
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Oh, fun.
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Revert? What's a rever- reverse mullet? Um, I mean, it's kinda close to what I usually get.
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It's a bit longer on the top and then shorter in the back.
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So it's not as bad.
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Oh, like the swoopy out, like a- Yeah Johnny Bravo? Not to that extent, but yeah.
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Kind of.
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If we're talking about one type of guy that girls definitely are not looking for, that's one of them.
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Exactly.
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He has no substance at all.
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If you guys don't know who that is- Yeah You're good.
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All right, so the culture tells us that if you don't look a certain way or have the right style, you are invisible.
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How refreshing or challenging is it to hear that these girls actually care way more about who you are in secret than who you are on the outside? Integrity's a lost art today.
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So- I would say- from that perspective maybe it's a bit more of a refresher.
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But at the same time, the reason why guys try to look good is not necessarily just for the girls.
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A lot of them do it for themselves and try to become somebody that they're actually, you know, proud of.
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While at the same time, yeah, girls may play a little part of that, like depending on like what style they're doing- I don't know I don't know I mean, the, thinking from a culture standard, you have these people who are like punching themself in the jaw, hitting themself with a hammer to make themselves look good.
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Why are they making themselves look good? It's for the girls.
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I guess.
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I don't know.
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I've never really been around in those circles, but there's something, something strange definitely going in their heads, that is for sure.
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So my question though more is like does it put pressure on guys, do you think, that they care more about their integrity? I don't really think it's more pressure.
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I think it's kind of a little bit of a gut punch though, because guys, they spend a lot of time working on their, you know, image, when everything else that, you know, goes on at home, they kind of try to hide that the best they can.
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They try to have, I don't know, I would say a mask.
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One person who they are in public, and then when they get home, they toss that mask.
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I can definitely guarantee that, like these guys, they wanna keep their image that they have outside of the home.
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They're trying to play somebody who they wanna become, not somebody who they actually are.
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So like they create their own persona.
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Yeah.
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Their avatar, if you will.
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Yeah.
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To like create this, this image of somebody that they're not.
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But the real work has to start on the inside.
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Yes.
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A lot of times we're working from the outside in, whenever we need to be working from the inside out.
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One of the biggest things that I hear told by so many guys if they're trying to get themselves to like change on like a behavioral level or something like that, is literally just fake it till you make it.
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Which I would not say is good by any standard.
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At least it's better than just- embracing the dark side and just becoming, I don't know, the worst version of yourself.
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So I think fake it till they make it, like, it's not something that I would encourage others to do.
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Same here.
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Except for if it comes to, like, you're scared.
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Yeah.
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You're stepping out and you're doing it afraid, and you're like, "Okay, I'm gonna fake this.
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I'm gonna act like I'm confident because I'm doing this.
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I'm going all in."
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And, like, in that manner I could see it, not necessarily with looks, but more, like, with God has called me to go and share the gospel with this person at the grocery store, and I'm, I'm terrified, but I'm gonna walk up there like I'm confident.
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Pretty much what they're doing is they're learning bravery without even realizing it.
81
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Mm-hmm, that's exactly it.
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Even...
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Cause bravery, what it is essentially is doing it afraid.
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I'd say integrity's huge, because we can all put that mask on like you were talking about and, and pretend that we are somebody that we're not.
85
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But if we're not doing the heart work, the work that only comes with you and your relationship with Jesus, what you're showing on the outside, you're always gonna live that double life.
86
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And when you're by yourself, you're gonna hate who you are because the most miserable person you can be is somebody that you're not.
87
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Yeah.
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The worst per- impossible version of yourself is a copy of somebody else.
89
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The second thing that these girls said that they want in a teen guy is they want a guy who leads spiritually.
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They're not looking for someone who is a theological genius, but they're looking for a guy who has his own walk with God, not just living off of their parents' faith.
91
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They want somebody who goes to church because they wanna grow, not just because they wanna hang out with their friends or because their parents drug them to church.
92
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Yeah, my pastor likes to call the people that were dragged to church drug babies.
93
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They're drug to church while they were babies, and they're still being drug to church now.
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Okay, hold on.
95
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No, probably don't use that without context.
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So let me ask you this next question.
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As a teen, it can be awkward to talk about God in your friend group, out in public with other people.
98
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But when these girls say that they are literally looking for a guy who practices his faith, does that give you confidence to be more bold in your relationship with Jesus, or do you think it gives other guys confidence to be more bold in their faith? I think if they actually knew that was something that girls cared about, I think it would help them, you know, get out, be a bit more bolder for Christ.
99
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I know it's definitely something that guys think about from time to time.
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But the hardest part is trying to discern, how would other people react if you were to talk about it? Because in this day and age, even the Christians don't act like Christians.
101
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So what you're saying is it's probably not, the girls are probably not their biggest motivation.
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Yeah.
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It's more fear? I would say yeah, fear of messing up, making the wrong step, and that's the biggest reason why we don't see it very much.
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Yeah.
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I know this is one of those things that I hear a lot from the girls, because I work with the girls, the teen girls.
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I hear this a lot is, like, they're not sure how to share their faith.
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Or honestly, I think it's just the enemy putting fear in our minds saying that you can't do this, or they're gonna think of you crazy.
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But- When I go back to think about my 17-year-old self, because I wasn't a Christian growing up, I got saved when I was 17, and the only reason I got saved was because somebody invited me to church.
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I wish that my friends would have stood up and said something to me.
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But because they were too afraid to, it took me through many, many years of pain and, like, just deep, deep, deep depression, dark place in my life because they were too afraid to stand up.
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Now, I wouldn't say that they're necessarily too afraid to stand up period.
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Because if there's one area they definitely have no problem with, that would be online.
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Speaking from even personal experience, I have a hard time going out to, like, random people and talking to them about Christ.
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But when it comes to, like, chat rooms, groups that are a part of, like, some kind of hobby you have, it is so easy to speak your mind because even if everyone's against you- That's because you're hiding behind a computer you're hiding behind a computer, but it still gives you, like, some kind of sense of security, 'cause you know that even if you mess up here, you can still try again.
115
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Yeah.
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And it won't have really any effect on the group.
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And I think you should do that online.
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I think that's absolutely important.
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But there is power one-on-one.
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Yeah.
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And you know.
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You've been there.
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Oh, definitely.
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You've been on missions to Jamaica and got to lead people to the Lord one-on-one, and it does something to you.
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Even if you mess up, at least try.
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Yeah.
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Because doing something and failing is better than doing nothing at all.
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Well, and, and most of the time too, they don't care.
129
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Yeah.
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They don't care if you mess up.
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Actually, I would say probably 100% of the time they don't care if you mess up.
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I've...
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There's a saying that you can't say the right thing to the wrong person or the wrong thing to the right person.
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Yeah.
135
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And that's so true.
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All right.
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So the third thing that these girls said that they want to see in a man is that he has a purpose and a direction.
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So this doesn't mean that his whole life is figured out, because I mean, most adults don't even have their lives figured out.
139
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What that means is the literal definition of Kingdom Grindset.
140
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Yeah.
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It's a guy who has goals, discipline, and is working towards something, whether that's a sport, a skill, a business, school.
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I mean, anything.
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They just don't want a guy who's just kind of like, eh, with life.
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Like, eh, whatever.
145
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Yeah.
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Like, they're, that's not what they're looking for.
147
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So my question for you on this one is, how does having a vision for your future and working hard right now change the way you carry yourself around girls? Honestly, it's not just around girls, and if you asked me this question I'd say maybe two weeks ago, I would have no idea what to say.
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But I've recently found something- That I'm passionate about, something that I'm working toward for an end goal.
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And honestly, it puts extra pep in your step.
150
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Honestly, that gives you, I'd say, a flare of life.
151
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It gives you that confidence that you need to keep on going even if you fail.
152
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No matter what it is, you, I don't know, miss out on your max deadlift or whatever, just go again until you get it right.
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'Cause once you get that determination, once you get that fire, that is what pushes you to achieve more.
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Even if can't do it yet, you can do it eventually.
155
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Yeah.
156
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I would say, like, with any of these, and with the n- other two that we're gonna be talking about, whether your motivation is girls or not, I think the key is your motivation is character.
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Yeah.
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So really that's what most of this is talking about, is talking about your character, your relationship with God.
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And as you walk in confidence, people notice.
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And so these girls that you're trying to attract, they're not the girls that are looking for you for your looks.
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The ones that you want to attract are the ones that are gonna look at you because of your confidence, because you're walking around not with self-confidence, but with God confidence.
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Charisma is what draws people towards you.
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Character is what keeps people.
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Unless you have character, the people who hang around you are not gonna stay.
165
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Mm-hmm.
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And the people who hang around you are not gonna help you get to your end goal.
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It's true.
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You have to know who you are and who you are in Christ, and know that those two things are one and the same.
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All right.
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So the fourth thing that these girls said that they want in a guy is that he is emotionally safe.
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So girls want a guy that they can be themselves around.
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They want consistency.
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They don't want a guy who's gonna play mind games, which is huge I think in today's culture.
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Manipulation is so big.
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They don't want a guy who's gonna flip, like, one minute and just be somebody totally different and crazy and, I don't know.
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Th- they don't want a guy that makes them feel like they're crazy for having feelings, because they are girls and they have emotions.
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They want stability.
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So my question for you on this one is, guys aren't always taught how to create emotional safety.
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When you hear that girls want honesty and consistency, what do you think that means for these guys? Well, I'm gonna start with the emotional aspect of it.
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Guys are supposed to not have any emotions.
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They're supposed to be stoic.
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They're supposed to be that emotionless rock that doesn't change for anything pretty much.
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But at the same time, if there is no emotion, there is no connection.
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So when it comes to anything, emotions are seen as a bad thing for guys, but it's also something that's actually really important and I think people need to talk about more.
185
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Well, let me ask you this: thinking of the strongest men in your life- Have you seen them be emotional? Oh, yeah.
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I mean, some of the strongest men I can think of, physically and also in maturity, that would be firefighters.
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These guys, they're buff, they're ready to run into a burning house, but at the same time, they're the first people that you're gonna see crying at a sappy movie.
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They're the first people that you're gonna see that are happy to come home, happy to know that they're just alive.
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The last thing that these girls want, and I think this one, this one is probably one that just hits me differently and in a good way, but the last thing that these girls want is they want a guy who protects her purity, not just his.
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And so this is huge.
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A girl wants a guy who doesn't want him to just protect his own purity, but also protect hers.
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A guy who sets boundaries, doesn't push limits, and values her as a person, and not just for what she can give him.
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This, I think in our culture today, is so important.
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How can Christian guys lock arms and help each other hold that standard? First things first, you gotta try to help them get a clear vision.
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You want guys that you can hang around that you know that even if you mess up, they're gonna practically slap you back into the right mindset.
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Now, at the same time, you wanna make sure these guys are good influences.
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I would find people who are strong Christians, and before you even think about starting to date, tell them personally, like, "I give you full permission to get me back on the right track.
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Slap me into submission if you have to."
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But you wanna make sure that you hold a equal footing with th- this person.
200
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You want it to be somebody that they can rely on, and you want them to be somebody you can rely on.
201
00:15:18,871.73976262 --> 00:15:20,421.74281438
Okay, so question for you about that.
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Has it been easy for you to find those guys for your life? Definitely not.
203
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It is definitely a rare find.
204
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I would say that a lot of the guys that you're hanging around now, that you could have had in your life Several years ago Yeah But, like, you didn't even see them several years ago.
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I mean, they were there.
206
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A couple years ago, I had a really, really bad mindset, because growing up through pretty much all of school, until it came to my senior year, I've always been an outcast.
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Wasn't that other people necessarily saw me as an outcast.
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I still saw myself as one.
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I looked at all these people, and I pretty much thought, Who am I to even th- approach these people? It's practically like they're royalty, and I'm a peasant."
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Now, I can't say that's necessarily a thing that a bunch of guys relate with, but I can't say it's not.
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I think more relate to it than you realize, because like you said earlier, many wear a mask.
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Yeah.
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And I mean, I saw this one kid years ago in youth ministry who, outgoing, center of attention.
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You'd think that this kid was so confident, and this kid, I remember he asked us one time, me and another youth leader, if he could help with something, and we didn't need his help at that time.
215
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And the look of rejection that was on his face as he walked away and then pretended like it never even happened.
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Like, he put that mask back on, and he was back, but, like, it was there in a split second, and if you weren't paying attention, you wouldn't have seen it, and I think that's what a lot of guys deal with.
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How do you find those friends? What do you look for in a friendship? Honestly, you don't really look for something.
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You kind of wait for God to happen.
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Because took time and started actually praying to God for it to happen- you don't necessarily have to look for them.
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God brings them to you.
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And now because I have gone through this with God, I have found good friends.
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you just heard the high standard that girls have for you, but most importantly, the higher standard God is calling you to, to become who it is that He created you to be.
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And so in order to get these five things that these girls want, I asked them three questions.
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I asked them, what is the number one quality you think every Christian teen guy needs before dating? What is the one thing you wish Christian teen guys understood about what it's like to be a teen girl today? And what is a green flag or a good sign that makes you respect a guy's faith? So I'm gonna ask you these three questions, and we'll see how this goes.
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What is the number one quality that you think every Christian teen girl needs before they start dating? Well, I guess one thing that kind of mirrors what girls said about guys, emotional maturity.
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Now, girls, they got their hormone stuff.
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I don't- go into that, and also know who you are before you go into a relationship.
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'Cause just with guys, once they get into a relationship, their relationship becomes their identity Once that breaks up, they're absolutely destroyed by it.
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Yeah, they have to know who they are in Christ that is out...
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Yeah, an identity that is outside of circumstances.
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Yeah, that's good.
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All right, next question.
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What is the one thing that you wish Christian girls knew about what it's like to be a teen guy today? I would have to say it's not all, barbells and roses.
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Barbells and roses.
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That's amazing.
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It's not as easy as it looks.
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Being a guy comes with tons of challenges in its own.
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How about this? Just because you talk to a girl doesn't mean you like her.
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That's another massive thing.
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Guys, not all the time, but a lot of the time just wanna be friends, even if they don't, they'd rather it start out that way.
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If a guy walks up to a girl, it doesn't mean, "Hey, I wanna date you."
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It means, "Hey, I find you interesting.
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Let's have a conversation."
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There's not usually much behind a guy's words 'cause believe it or not, guys are actually simple creatures.
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They usually think about three things.
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Food is two of them.
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So- That's amazing guys are not as, I don't know, big fan- I mean, there are guys that think about girls yeah.
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There are guys that think about girls.
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There are.
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But just because you talk to a girl doesn't mean you like her.
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Exactly.
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Doesn't mean you wanna date her.
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All right.
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What is a green flag or a good sign that makes you respect a girl's faith? I would say a confidence in what they believe.
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Like, there are girls that they'll be in their group, and they'll be talking about what they believe, and they'll be happy about it, which is the same way for guys, but the second that somebody comes up and says something else, they're either gonna back down, or they're gonna stand up.
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Or flip-flop.
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But what guys want is a girl that actually knows to stand their ground in their faith.
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Now, I can't say really anything for women, but when it comes to guys, it's definitely something that's also needed for them.
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So confidence in what they believe, God confidence, is one of the most important things.
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And something I just wanna throw in there, not necessarily to make a man respect a girl's faith, but just respect her period, is how she treats those who are close to her, her relatives, her siblings.
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How she treats them is going to go into how she treats others Or who she marries in the future- Exactly or dates in the future.
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By, I don't wanna say, like, be creepy and just watch her, but see how she reacts whenever her brother comes up and starts messing with her.
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See how she reacts to her parents whenever they tell her to do something.
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They respect her by seeing how she treats those who are around her.
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Javon, thank you so much for this conversation today.
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Like, thank you for keeping it real.
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Absolutely.
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Because I know that this, what we're talking about, is very, very important for these guys.
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Yeah.
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It's something that hopefully they can take for the rest of their lives.
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Yeah.
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Now, if you're a guy that's watching this on YouTube or listening to it on a podcast, it's time for us to step up and tune out the noise and lock in to a true Kingdom Grindset.
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Now, do me a favor.
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Hit that like button, subscribe, make sure to ring that notification bell so the next time one of our videos pops out or a new podcast, you can tune in.
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Mom, I just wanna say thank you so much for hopping on the show.
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Yeah.
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I love you.
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Thank you for having me.
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This was actually a really good conversation, I feel like, we've had these last couple weeks.
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And some of it does overlap with what we talked about- Oh, yeah but I hope that this really does help you to see inside the heart of a teen girl, but most importantly, who it is that God wants you to be.
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Yeah.
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So see you guys next week.
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Salutations.
