Welcome to navigating consumer and family law challenges, insights from SoCal's trusted attorneys. Welcome to navigating consumer and family law challenges, insights from SoCal's trusted attorney, Amanda Hill. With a focus on family law, consumer protection, and employment law, Amanda offers helpful, caring, and professional legal services and advice. I'm Sophia Morales, and today, we're going to discuss parallel parents when co parenting is not an option. So welcome back, Amanda.
It's so good to have you back with me today. Hi. Thanks for having me. So I I think this is a relatively recent concept that I've only start just started hearing about. What is parallel parenting exactly, and how is that different from traditional co parenting?
Okay. So co regular co parenting or the traditional version of what people think of as co parenting, right, is where everybody collaborates together and makes decisions together and discusses those issues. Parallel parenting is not collaborative. It's usually only used when something has become so high conflict that the parents or co parents can no longer effectively co parent. And they're fighting over the basics of how to raise their children, and it's been established that it might be most beneficial either by a family therapist or by a family court mediator, that they should start using parallel parenting, where it's concurrent, where how they parent in their own households.
Right? But they're not gonna be as collaborative. It's definitely not the suggested route. It's kind of the route of last resort, but sometimes it does become necessary. I would imagine when you can't agree that the sky is blue, that that would be a sign.
Yes. Absolutely. And, unfortunately, you know, sometimes cases start off as high conflict. When they're going through the original divorce process and, you know, it's just everything's still so raw and emotional. And so in that time period, we always recommend, let's start off by taking some parenting courses.
Let's figure out how you can move forward and deal with your personal emotions against the other parent while you still co parent with them. So maybe some individual therapy might also be suggested, right, on both sides so that they can figure out how to deal with their emotions as it relates to their ex partner, but how to still try to co parent with them. But sometimes, unfortunately, it's a year, two years later, and they're still not there. They they they're the trust is just not able to be rebuilt. It may be suggested that you consider parallel parenting.
What are some of the signs that parallel parenting might be the best or only option that you have? I would say it would need to be a pretty consistent historical pattern of just reaching an impasse after discussions. Right? Some people seem to think that, oh, well, we just can't agree on anything, so we're just gonna switch over to parallel parenting. And that's not necessarily recommended because you still have to have those discussions.
Right? And you wanna start to have those discussions. And if it becomes a pattern where a year, two years have gone by and nobody they just can't get on the same page, then, of course, it's suggested that everything be in writing, that there is information sharing, but it's not as a collaborative process. Right? Sometimes too, though, it does need to be court ordered, meaning that a judge is going to say, you know what?
I just I I'm making a finding that you too, it's just not gonna work out. I've ordered the parenting courses. I've had you guys go to therapy, and there's just something there creating this roadblock for you to get to a point where you can effectively co parent. So what we're gonna do is I'm gonna make a finding that you guys need to still converse with each other, but it's going to be more of a parallel parenting situation where you are concurrently parenting, but you are not co parenting. So from the child's perspective, what are some of the benefits and challenges that parallel parenting presents from their perspective?
I think from a children's perspective, obviously, the hope is that it stays amongst the parents and that they're not seeing a huge difference, but they usually always sense it. Right? And if you're in a situation that it's so high conflict that you're having to even utilize parallel parenting, the children are most likely feeling it already. So the best situation is to try to get yourself to a place where you can collaborate and co parent. Again, sometimes that's just not a option, because for whatever reason, one side is not cooperating or the other.
I was gonna say it it takes two. It does take two. Right? There's only you can only control so much on one end. Right?
So I do think, though, if if they're both parents are making a conscious decision to start parallel parenting, right, or the judges make a finding of that, sometimes it does get a little bit of a a weight off the shoulders because they it's now okay in in mom's home, right, I'm doing this, or in dad's home, I'm doing this, or, you know, in this parent's home, this is how it works, and this parent's home, this is how it works. Again, it could be a little bit of an impact on the child, though, right, or the children because now it could be confusing. Yeah. You've got two sets of rules you're living by. Absolutely.
So the best practice is always to try to at least you don't have to have the same structure necessarily in each household. Right? It's totally normal for one parent to be more of a disciplinarian than the other. Right? That's that's normal.
That's normal in even a a in a happy marriage. Right? That one parent might be the nicer There's always a soft touch in the house. Right. The good cop and the bad cop in in in parents, and that's totally normal.
But what I'm referring to is one parent has no structure and the other one is, you know, you have chores, you have structure. Because that's gonna create some animosity with the children, especially as they age that, well, I wanna stay at this parent's house because there's no rules at this parent's house. Exactly. I can stay up all night with my iPad, and no one says a thing. Right.
Right. Exactly. Okay. So how do the courts usually structure a parallel parenting plan in order to reduce the conflict and the confusion? Because you you mentioned the communication doesn't go away.
So I think oftentimes parallel parenting requires a lot more structure. So nothing nothing open ended. No orders like parties can also agree to additional orders, and they can discuss that later. No. It needs to be on Mondays at 6PM, pick up from this parent's house, and on Wednesdays at 8AM, there's another exchange.
And the more detailed, the better. Because clearly, if you're at a stage where you have to practice parallel parenting, the more detail, the better. Any open endedness for or any vagueness is not gonna help because it's gonna create more conflict. So it's gonna be a lot more structured, which would benefit, the children and the parents, really. Yeah.
Well, at least you know what you're aiming for. Right? Yes. So once you've gone down this path of parallel parenting, is there ever a shift back towards more cooperative parenting farther down the road? Yes.
I mean, I've actually seen that happen. Right? Sometimes it's high conflict, and then things kinda simmer down. I will say sometimes the reason for that is, the parents have now moved on. They have new relationships that they're in, and maybe they even have other children or stepchildren that are involved.
And so they don't have the time or capacity, right, to to argue over any of those. Much drama. Right. They just don't have it, and they moved on, and they're creating this new family unit with their new significant other. So I will say sometimes I'll see that change where, a new significant other can either help or sometimes hinder that co parenting relationship for their new partner.
But a lot of times, it does help because they're like, you know what? This is our new family unit. Right? And this let's focus on this. And what's gonna be best for this family unit is you gotta figure out what's going on with your ex spouse so that we can all get on the same page.
So what are some of the signs that a parent should be looking for? It an indication that co parenting is becoming too high conflict to continue. Yeah. Again, I think that if you've tried co parenting, if if you've courses, like, actual, online courses, in person courses, there's one that's really famous in San Diego County called Kids Turn where actually the kids participate in the process, which is really cool. And they get to voice what's going on and how the lack of co parenting is impacting them.
It's a very powerful program that they've set up there. But let's say they've tried all of that. It's still not working, I think. And they have tried to go to therapy individually, meaning to work on themselves and maybe figuring out, what part of this is am I contributing to? Right?
So how can I communicate better? But, again, there's only so much you can control. You can only control your side. So if it gets to a point where you've done everything, then it probably is a a point where you need to start considering, okay. I think we need to back off a little bit and just approach this in more of a parallel parenting circumstance.
And what would you say to a parent who's feeling guilty or some certain way that this co parenting thing isn't working despite their best efforts? How can they kind of reframe that experience? I mean, I think that, again, giving themselves grace, understanding that as long as they're making their best efforts to put their children first and be the best co parent that they can be, that's all that they can do. And I think, you know, beating themselves up about it or or having, you know, self guilt about it is it's not helpful, and that actually can, you know, spiral into the children picking up on that. Right?
Beating themselves off. Like, especially talking about it in front of the children, that's a big no no. But in addition, sometimes people don't understand. You can feel their energy. Right?
A parent is off and and the children can feel that energy. And so it's important for a parent when it gets to that point to make a conscious decision to say, you know what? We tried, and I tried. And at least temporarily, we're gonna switch how we approach parenting our children for now. But always be willing to go back to the table and say, okay, I think maybe, for example, six months later, a year later, things are going a little bit better or things have changed, meaning that people have moved on, new relationships.
Let's see if we can go back to be more collaborative. Because it's never, in my opinion, it's never the goal to parallel parent. It's really always gonna be best for the kid to have both parents that ideally love them and care about them and want what's best for them to work together, and the children will pick up on that. And it's not just until they're 18 or graduate from high school. They're gonna be at college graduations, weddings.
Right? Exactly. Baptisms of grandchildren. Yes. Exactly.
So it's never gonna go away. Those are some real words of wisdom. And I think giving yourself grace for a while as you're going through your own emotional adjustments makes a lot of sense for sure. So I really appreciate all the wisdom you shared with us today, Amanda. Oh, you're very welcome.
And thank you for joining us on navigating consumer and family law challenges, insights from SoCal's trusted attorney, Amanda Hill. To connect with her or her firm, visit k and h law group dot com, And make sure to like, subscribe, leave a review. And if it was helpful to you, share it with someone that you care about. Thanks for watching. Be sure to hit that like and subscribe button, and leave us a review in the comments.
It's so good to have you back with me today. Hi. Thanks for having me. So I I think this is a relatively recent concept that I've only start just started hearing about. What is parallel parenting exactly, and how is that different from traditional co parenting?
Okay. So co regular co parenting or the traditional version of what people think of as co parenting, right, is where everybody collaborates together and makes decisions together and discusses those issues. Parallel parenting is not collaborative. It's usually only used when something has become so high conflict that the parents or co parents can no longer effectively co parent. And they're fighting over the basics of how to raise their children, and it's been established that it might be most beneficial either by a family therapist or by a family court mediator, that they should start using parallel parenting, where it's concurrent, where how they parent in their own households.
Right? But they're not gonna be as collaborative. It's definitely not the suggested route. It's kind of the route of last resort, but sometimes it does become necessary. I would imagine when you can't agree that the sky is blue, that that would be a sign.
Yes. Absolutely. And, unfortunately, you know, sometimes cases start off as high conflict. When they're going through the original divorce process and, you know, it's just everything's still so raw and emotional. And so in that time period, we always recommend, let's start off by taking some parenting courses.
Let's figure out how you can move forward and deal with your personal emotions against the other parent while you still co parent with them. So maybe some individual therapy might also be suggested, right, on both sides so that they can figure out how to deal with their emotions as it relates to their ex partner, but how to still try to co parent with them. But sometimes, unfortunately, it's a year, two years later, and they're still not there. They they they're the trust is just not able to be rebuilt. It may be suggested that you consider parallel parenting.
What are some of the signs that parallel parenting might be the best or only option that you have? I would say it would need to be a pretty consistent historical pattern of just reaching an impasse after discussions. Right? Some people seem to think that, oh, well, we just can't agree on anything, so we're just gonna switch over to parallel parenting. And that's not necessarily recommended because you still have to have those discussions.
Right? And you wanna start to have those discussions. And if it becomes a pattern where a year, two years have gone by and nobody they just can't get on the same page, then, of course, it's suggested that everything be in writing, that there is information sharing, but it's not as a collaborative process. Right? Sometimes too, though, it does need to be court ordered, meaning that a judge is going to say, you know what?
I just I I'm making a finding that you too, it's just not gonna work out. I've ordered the parenting courses. I've had you guys go to therapy, and there's just something there creating this roadblock for you to get to a point where you can effectively co parent. So what we're gonna do is I'm gonna make a finding that you guys need to still converse with each other, but it's going to be more of a parallel parenting situation where you are concurrently parenting, but you are not co parenting. So from the child's perspective, what are some of the benefits and challenges that parallel parenting presents from their perspective?
I think from a children's perspective, obviously, the hope is that it stays amongst the parents and that they're not seeing a huge difference, but they usually always sense it. Right? And if you're in a situation that it's so high conflict that you're having to even utilize parallel parenting, the children are most likely feeling it already. So the best situation is to try to get yourself to a place where you can collaborate and co parent. Again, sometimes that's just not a option, because for whatever reason, one side is not cooperating or the other.
I was gonna say it it takes two. It does take two. Right? There's only you can only control so much on one end. Right?
So I do think, though, if if they're both parents are making a conscious decision to start parallel parenting, right, or the judges make a finding of that, sometimes it does get a little bit of a a weight off the shoulders because they it's now okay in in mom's home, right, I'm doing this, or in dad's home, I'm doing this, or, you know, in this parent's home, this is how it works, and this parent's home, this is how it works. Again, it could be a little bit of an impact on the child, though, right, or the children because now it could be confusing. Yeah. You've got two sets of rules you're living by. Absolutely.
So the best practice is always to try to at least you don't have to have the same structure necessarily in each household. Right? It's totally normal for one parent to be more of a disciplinarian than the other. Right? That's that's normal.
That's normal in even a a in a happy marriage. Right? That one parent might be the nicer There's always a soft touch in the house. Right. The good cop and the bad cop in in in parents, and that's totally normal.
But what I'm referring to is one parent has no structure and the other one is, you know, you have chores, you have structure. Because that's gonna create some animosity with the children, especially as they age that, well, I wanna stay at this parent's house because there's no rules at this parent's house. Exactly. I can stay up all night with my iPad, and no one says a thing. Right.
Right. Exactly. Okay. So how do the courts usually structure a parallel parenting plan in order to reduce the conflict and the confusion? Because you you mentioned the communication doesn't go away.
So I think oftentimes parallel parenting requires a lot more structure. So nothing nothing open ended. No orders like parties can also agree to additional orders, and they can discuss that later. No. It needs to be on Mondays at 6PM, pick up from this parent's house, and on Wednesdays at 8AM, there's another exchange.
And the more detailed, the better. Because clearly, if you're at a stage where you have to practice parallel parenting, the more detail, the better. Any open endedness for or any vagueness is not gonna help because it's gonna create more conflict. So it's gonna be a lot more structured, which would benefit, the children and the parents, really. Yeah.
Well, at least you know what you're aiming for. Right? Yes. So once you've gone down this path of parallel parenting, is there ever a shift back towards more cooperative parenting farther down the road? Yes.
I mean, I've actually seen that happen. Right? Sometimes it's high conflict, and then things kinda simmer down. I will say sometimes the reason for that is, the parents have now moved on. They have new relationships that they're in, and maybe they even have other children or stepchildren that are involved.
And so they don't have the time or capacity, right, to to argue over any of those. Much drama. Right. They just don't have it, and they moved on, and they're creating this new family unit with their new significant other. So I will say sometimes I'll see that change where, a new significant other can either help or sometimes hinder that co parenting relationship for their new partner.
But a lot of times, it does help because they're like, you know what? This is our new family unit. Right? And this let's focus on this. And what's gonna be best for this family unit is you gotta figure out what's going on with your ex spouse so that we can all get on the same page.
So what are some of the signs that a parent should be looking for? It an indication that co parenting is becoming too high conflict to continue. Yeah. Again, I think that if you've tried co parenting, if if you've courses, like, actual, online courses, in person courses, there's one that's really famous in San Diego County called Kids Turn where actually the kids participate in the process, which is really cool. And they get to voice what's going on and how the lack of co parenting is impacting them.
It's a very powerful program that they've set up there. But let's say they've tried all of that. It's still not working, I think. And they have tried to go to therapy individually, meaning to work on themselves and maybe figuring out, what part of this is am I contributing to? Right?
So how can I communicate better? But, again, there's only so much you can control. You can only control your side. So if it gets to a point where you've done everything, then it probably is a a point where you need to start considering, okay. I think we need to back off a little bit and just approach this in more of a parallel parenting circumstance.
And what would you say to a parent who's feeling guilty or some certain way that this co parenting thing isn't working despite their best efforts? How can they kind of reframe that experience? I mean, I think that, again, giving themselves grace, understanding that as long as they're making their best efforts to put their children first and be the best co parent that they can be, that's all that they can do. And I think, you know, beating themselves up about it or or having, you know, self guilt about it is it's not helpful, and that actually can, you know, spiral into the children picking up on that. Right?
Beating themselves off. Like, especially talking about it in front of the children, that's a big no no. But in addition, sometimes people don't understand. You can feel their energy. Right?
A parent is off and and the children can feel that energy. And so it's important for a parent when it gets to that point to make a conscious decision to say, you know what? We tried, and I tried. And at least temporarily, we're gonna switch how we approach parenting our children for now. But always be willing to go back to the table and say, okay, I think maybe, for example, six months later, a year later, things are going a little bit better or things have changed, meaning that people have moved on, new relationships.
Let's see if we can go back to be more collaborative. Because it's never, in my opinion, it's never the goal to parallel parent. It's really always gonna be best for the kid to have both parents that ideally love them and care about them and want what's best for them to work together, and the children will pick up on that. And it's not just until they're 18 or graduate from high school. They're gonna be at college graduations, weddings.
Right? Exactly. Baptisms of grandchildren. Yes. Exactly.
So it's never gonna go away. Those are some real words of wisdom. And I think giving yourself grace for a while as you're going through your own emotional adjustments makes a lot of sense for sure. So I really appreciate all the wisdom you shared with us today, Amanda. Oh, you're very welcome.
And thank you for joining us on navigating consumer and family law challenges, insights from SoCal's trusted attorney, Amanda Hill. To connect with her or her firm, visit k and h law group dot com, And make sure to like, subscribe, leave a review. And if it was helpful to you, share it with someone that you care about. Thanks for watching. Be sure to hit that like and subscribe button, and leave us a review in the comments.
