Be More Vulnerable

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Hello and welcome to Just One Thing.
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I'm Brad Stearns, here with Lisa Stearns, and we're your hosts on this weekly exploration of simple ways to enhance your relationships, improve your health, manage your stress and just be happier Now, settle in while we discuss Just One Thing improve your health, manage your stress and just be happier Now.
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Settle in while we discuss Just One Thing.
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Good afternoon, howdy.
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Welcome to the next episode of Just One.
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Thing, just One Thing, is the podcast of MindfulLivingtoday.
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You can find us on Facebook at the Mindful Couple.
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We also have a great Facebook group at Mindful Living Today with Lisa and Brad, it's been a couple of weeks since we have chatted with you and had this one on tap for a while, because it's I don't know if I'm comfortable even talking about it and it's titled Be More Vulnerable.
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And I know in particular I think it's a guy thing man, it's just hard to be vulnerable.
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You know, I think it's at the heart of like I can't ask people for directions, I can't ask people for help.
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It's just like I think it's sort of in my mind.
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It puts weakness out there and I know it's particularly in a you know, in a male environment.
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I think there's always a bit of competitiveness there which you know makes you less than and you don't want to be less, you don't want to be like the weak dog that everybody's like biting on them all the time.
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You know, I don't necessarily know that you want to be the alpha male, but you don't want to be put out there and, like everybody like, makes you the scapegoat and the one that everybody bullies.
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So I don't know that that's true and I'm going to talk about that as we go, because I have done a lot, I think, over the last few years in particular, to try to be more vulnerable.
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I think it has paid some benefits that far outweigh any of the detriments that I thought were out there.
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So, with that said, do you have thoughts on why it pays to be more vulnerable, and how do you become more vulnerable?
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Well, first, I think I need to address the male-only thing, because it's definitely not a male-only thing.
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Well, I just okay, I just know for a male.
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It's just like I can't show weakness.
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Yes, but I think any with women.
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I would say yes.
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I would say with everybody, but I would say with women if you're behaving passive-aggressively, if you're behaving passive aggressively, if you are behaving defensively, if you are, have a very knee jerk reaction.
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To me that is a sign that you're, in that moment, afraid to be vulnerable.
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Okay, okay, so so I think women.
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So those things are kind of fear-based.
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Yes, I think women and if you're going to and if you are, if you just sort of like ask, say I don't know what I'm doing, I need some help.
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Right.
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Those kinds of things are usually behind those.
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Right.
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So for me, for most of my life, but especially, I would say, between from 35 to now.
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I've gotten better in the last five years or so but anyway, I feel vulnerable in front of all men, like all men, and so like going to have the car fixed.
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For me to say my car is broken and try to describe that.
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That feels very vulnerable to me because I know they're going to roll their eyes and think I'm stupid.
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So I think there are places.
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Yeah, yeah, context situations where definitely it's difficult for a woman to be vulnerable.
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I was just thinking of sort of the competitive nature of a lot of male societies and get together.
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But man, you nailed that.
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I'm sorry, I said that to start with.
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That's okay.
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I think it just happens in different ways Right?
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Yeah, you're absolutely right.
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I think it happens in different ways and in different scenarios, possibly for men and for women.
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I think it's important.
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I think vulnerability has a context.
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I think it needs to be.
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You need to be smart about when you decide To be vulnerable.
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Yeah, because I was just thinking.
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Like you know, I'm re-watching the old HBO series Ballers, which is about pro football players, like when you're out there, you know, in the middle of the football game you don't want to say my knee hurts Like do you think you could help me get up, Especially to the opponents?
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I feel a little weak today Because it's a battlefield and I think in the battlefield, you know, vulnerability does display weakness and in a battlefield, you know your opponent's going to seize upon that and take advantage of that.
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And I think that take advantage of is definitely something that people worry about.
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Like if I am vulnerable, somebody will take advantage of me, they will cheat me, they will do whatever they're going to use that against me very definitely.
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They will cheat me, they will do whatever they're going to use that against me very definitely and I think that, also to me, is a very tricky path to walk in business.
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I think there are times you definitely it's not appropriate to show your vulnerability and I think in other instances it can be a strong suit and I think it's hard to know that especially.
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That's a great point, because I was thinking of negotiations, Right?
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Sometimes you don't want to appear vulnerable because somebody will take advantage of it.
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They'll be cutthroat and do that.
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Sometimes.
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If you expose your vulnerability, it will evoke in the other person the opposite person.
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Well, there's a natural reciprocity, people, that people tend to have.
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If you see me giving you something in terms of an admission or a request or whatever your natural inclination is to reciprocate to some degree.
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And so it can be a valuable tool to show vulnerability.
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And, right on point, I think, in terms of like the context and deciding when and how, is really really important, because I know, you know, what made me uncomfortable talking about this is, you know, growing up and you're, you know you're trying to get girlfriends, you're trying to get somebody to like you chatting somebody up in the bar, whatever, you know you're trying to be like, like, really cool.
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The man you know don't want to be vulnerable, so, and you're afraid that you'll come off as less attractive when you're showing your vulnerability to the, to the opposite sex, and I think perhaps in that context, you don't want to be sharing those vulnerabilities too soon.
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It depends, but the key thing I wanted to get to is, once you're in a relationship, the sharing of those vulnerabilities, the asking for help, the this is what I'm feeling and it's you know, it's definitely not, you know, strong alpha male thing actually brings you much, much closer to the person that you are involved with.
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Yes, and we just had this conversation the other day and I was saying you know strong alpha male thing actually brings you much, much closer to the person that you are involved with yes, and we just had this conversation the other day and I was saying you know, I know in your mind you've always felt that it made you look weak, but in my mind it shows a grounding and it shows a strength that you have the ability to say I'm really sad now, or this conversation is making me uncomfortable?
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Or it's really hard for me to do this.
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Can you help me do this Right?
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right, or I just I don't know how to do this and I need help, and so I think you know make sure that when you are viewing vulnerability and you feel very protective, that you are trying to see it through other people's eyes, not just your eyes, because you're seeing it through your lens.
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Exactly Perfect, yeah Did.
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I say that clearly.
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I thought you said it quite clearly and I'm trying to think of the other context where I'm trying.
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So in our relationship, I'm trying to be more vulnerable, I'm trying to ask for more help, I'm trying to admit when I'm not particularly strong, right, and I think it's brought us closer.
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Yes, very definitely you definitely.
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I think it helps you to know there are areas where you can help me.
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Right, because it makes the relationship more reciprocal.
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Right, as I said earlier.
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Right, the other place where I'm trying to show more vulnerability is actually in a somewhat competitive I'll just use the term guy-oriented environment, and that's at the gym, because I think a lot of people look at me as, like, the mayor of the gym.
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I definitely belong there, I'm comfortable there, and so for me to admit I'm feeling anxious today and I have trouble with anxiety or I'm a little depressed.
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It was hard for me to get going this morning, I think letting other people know that-.
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Especially other men Right In think, letting other people know that, especially other men Right In that situation, letting these other men know where I'm kind of the.
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The mayor, the mayor, to let me know that I have these issues and I'm working through them, and to let them know, oh, it's okay for me to have those feelings too, whether they choose to share them or not.
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Right Right To let that there's somebody that they may model themselves after.
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That has these human you know issues I think is important to let people know that, particularly in that environment.
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Yeah, I totally and I think especially you know we're in our mid-60s.
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I think it's important, especially with you, I think, in that particular environment I think it models a behavior for younger people.
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Exactly, and I think that that's important for them to see, you know, in a mentoring for younger people, exactly, and I think that's important for them to see in a mentoring kind of capacity.
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Okay, it's okay to say I'm having a rough day.
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And I don't think it would work In the same way.
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If you know, I wasn't leg pressing like a thousand pounds or, you know, doing pull downs of 300 pounds.
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I think it's the fact that I am obviously strong in that environment and a leader in that environment that makes it more powerful.
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If I was, if I was absolutely beginner in there and I'm sharing those kinds of things, people are like who is this guy that's telling me he's anxious all the time I think again, context and how you're doing it, where you're doing it and who the receiver of that information is, is all very important and very I don't want to say strategic.
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It makes it seem like you're playing a game.
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Right.
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But just knowing when and how and to who, I think is something you need to consider.
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I think strategic in terms of appropriateness.
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Yeah, that's a better word.
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I like appropriateness.
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I think you're talking about when is it?
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And we've all met people who overshare and that's uncomfortable for everybody concerned.
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Yeah, because I don't think it helps any relationship to basically be the dog that you know when they walk in.
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They roll over and expose their belly.
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Right, basically be the dog that you know when they walk in, they roll over and expose their belly Right, because I think there are people who then will just naturally have a tendency to exactly take advantage of you to walk on you, to bully you.
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Right, yes.
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Because there are people that, just whether they're nasty people or not, I think in some cases that's a sort of a natural biological response to that rolling over kind of a thing.
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Yes, yes, natural biological response to that rolling over kind of a thing.
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Yes, yes, and I think so.
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Going back to the male, female, whatever, I know when, this has been many years back, when I first decided there were things that I had an expectation of myself and how I defined being a wife and a woman that felt a burden, it was true.
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At some point everything became too much my expectation of myself became too much.
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And there were places and times that I needed to step up and say this is too hard for me.
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And that doesn't seem like a vulnerable thing, but it felt very vulnerable.
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All for yourself, too hard for me.
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And that doesn't seem like a vulnerable thing, but it felt very vulnerable, or for yourself, because you're in your mind.
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You're almost undermining your own self-image and how you identify as yourself, and so you're becoming less than in your own eyes.
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Yeah, yes, I know that was behind a lot of my thought, thinking as well, yeah Right no-transcript.
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I have found being more vulnerable has been beneficial is when basically dealing with people in retail.
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You know repair people, oh gosh yes, all those kinds of things Instead of like, pretending I know, like what the hell I'm talking about when it comes like and bullying your way through them.
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Yeah, I'm just like like hey, I have no idea what I'm doing here.
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Could you really help me out here?
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And then ask you know, really, you know curious questions like could you explain that to me?
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So I understand that better and people jet, most people will genuinely try to help you and explain it positively and you just end up having a better experience altogether.
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You often get a better response from the institution or the store or whatever you're dealing with.
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You know, by exposing yourself and not just trying to be like.
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You know I'm Mr Businessman.
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I deserve this, I deserve this and I deserve that Exactly.
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Yeah, and I think it's sort of that honest, open, vulnerability with follow-up curiosity, I mean.
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That gets you through a lot of situations that can become very frustrating in modern life.
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You know, dealing with doctors, medicare, the government, whomever.
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Right, yep, yep, I agree, and I think you and I have navigated this more within our own relationship than we have.
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I think it's become more obvious that we're navigating this within our relationship than outside of our relationship.
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Yeah, I agree.
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I think we've created the groundwork here to understand that it's safe To do this, so that we're able to take it outside.
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Yeah, yeah.
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I'm having a hard time expressing that, but no, but I think we practice the safe environment.
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Yeah, and I think that's key, because if you try to be more vulnerable and try to Find the advantages in it, if you do it in the wrong environment.
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Oh my gosh, you're just gonna lose every time somebody will take advantage, if people will take advantage of you from time to time, and you say like why would I?
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Ever do that Right.
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And you won't find, I guess, the good places where vulnerability has a huge advantage.
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Right, right, and just like anything, choosing to be vulnerable is a muscle that needs to be practiced, just like anything else, and so the more you try it, the more you do it, the more you go at it, the more courageous you become.
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Yeah, because it is.
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It's really scary, because when you are vulnerable, you are frightened Somebody may take advantage of you, somebody may bully you, you may not get the result you want.
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So there is an issue of dealing with fear, the repercussions and the repercussions of that, and so that does require some practice in terms of and getting positive feedback.
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Right.
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On your efforts to get better and better at it.
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So we have another minute or so.
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How would you go about choosing a relationship, that is, how would you describe a safe relationship to experiment with this vulnerability, because not all husband and wife relationships are safe for example, not all familial relationships are safe, oh my God no, most times not A lot of friend relationships are not, so what would you define as a safe relationship that you could practice this in?
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I don't know necessarily if I would find a relationship, because I don't know if I would find a relationship, because I don't know if I would be effective in judging that.
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I think the best place to start practicing vulnerability would be in situations where you are dealing with a you know a store clerk, a librarian, somebody in the insurance company, a friend, something, and it basically is like admitting that I don't know this.
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Could you explain it to me?
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Because that's a very low level of vulnerability, right, right, it's basically admitting I don't know something.
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Right.
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And can you help me understand it better?
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Right, A lot of people.
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They feel self-important because you've asked them for their expertise?
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Oh, absolutely.
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And so it sort of like it actually makes the relationship better when you ask for somebody some information that you don't have in a sort of a sense of vulnerability, and you should get some positive reinforcement from that, like, oh, I was vulnerable, I asked a question, I didn't, I admitted.
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I didn't know.
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And then they were helpful and I think that gives you a good foundation to sort of build on that and get better at that skill, and then I think that you can extend that to other relationships and sort of build from that.
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Okay, all right.
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Sounds good to me Be more vulnerable.
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There's lots of rewards, but, as you pointed out very accurately, the context and how you go about it is a little tricky.
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So this is one that you may have to consider a little bit before you just go right out there and say, oh my God, help me out, I don't know nothing man Okay, all right, we're good Until next time.
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This has been just one thing.