Coleen Greco:
The Joy Unleashed show empowers and inspires women to reclaim their joy. We provide tools, resources and connections to help you unlock your true potential. Through engaging conversation, expert insights and transformative stories. We create a vibrant and inclusive community where women can break free from the limitations that hold them back. I'm Joyologists, Coleen Greco and it is my honor to be your host. Let's get right into the show.
If you feel like you're stuck, if you feel like you don't quite know your purpose, or maybe you know it, but you just can't find the path toward it. If you're uncomfortable in your own skin and want to finally master self love, then we need to talk. I'm Coleen Greco and I'm your Joyologists. I help women just like you to reclaim the joy they feel is missing in their life through mindset coaching and nutrition coaching. Whether you have weight to lose or simply need to get your gut in check. I've got to work together to retire limiting beliefs. Those are the stories that are keeping you from your purpose. I need you to hear me. Those are the stories that we need to get rid of in order to get you on your path to your purpose. We will work together to get you that life you've always dreamed up. It would be my honor to connect with you, reach out to me via Instagram at @thecoleengreco or email me at coleen@coleengreco.com Let's get you back to the show.
Coleen Greco
So this episode is brought to you by lignum wealth management. I've worked with Mark like them for over 15 years and before you get your mind racing, wealth was not and maybe will ever be a term in my vocabulary. It's more like survival is how I started and how to really develop a plan, one zero at a time. How do I plan for the future now? So that was our mindset. And you know, I spend my days coaching clients on ways to improve their well being and finances are very core part of your overall wellbeing. Ignoring it doesn't make the problem go away. In fact, it makes it worse and you wake up years down the line wishing that you had taken that first step towards a plan with Mark takes a very personalized approach to coaching. And it's all about your financial goals, not his and he'll provide you sensible solutions and referrals to other experts that help you with your situation. Having a coach like Mark guide our family through the various stages of life allows me to focus on what I do best. So take the first step today towards a solid financial future in contact mark lignum wealth management, his information.
Coleen Greco
Welcome back to another episode of Joy Unleashe. My name is Coleen Greco. I am your humble host for today's show and you may say is that your chair but I knew it is. I'm standing had a little back injury. We're still pushing hard with the show. I cannot wait to introduce you to my next guest. Maryann widow. Welcome to the show, Maryann.
Maryann Udel
Thank you Coleen and thank you for still having me despite
Coleen Greco
, I was doing a training earlier today and that person was like, you don't have to share that stuff. And I said, that's what people like about me is my authenticity like the show must go on. I'm just gonna figure it out and find a way through it. So I if I could reach my suitcase right now I would show you I am in love with the suitcase. It is my new best friend. It gets me around the house. It's like the perfect. Thank you, Samson. I will tag them in the recording of the show. So do me a favor. Just introduce yourself to those listening and watching so they can get a sense of who we're talking to today. Well,
Maryann Udel
thank you Coleen. My name is Maryann down. I'm the founder of sheltering tree. I work with folks, individuals, companies and nonprofits who are dealing with loss major change or groups. I worked into a process to help them make peace with the past so they can embrace the promise of their future.
Coleen Greco
And love it I already feel more relaxed and soon just by your like your essence and your cadence. So that's, that's wonderful. And it's just needed to I feel like people feel like they either don't know where to find the help or that they're not entitled to the help or that their situation is so different. You couldn't possibly help them navigate it. I don't know. You know which one of those you want to tackle first, but what are you seeing in terms of like how people are finding you, and what are some of the things that they're they're hoping to get support
Maryann Udel
of working with you? Well, that's a multi multi layered question. People find me in a variety of different ways. I do a lot of podcast interviews. I speak on a regular basis and network and I do things on social media talking about loss and grief. I think that it's a wide variety of people that come to me. Usually it's people who have gone through something and it's been a wild ride, and they don't feel like things are improving yet. You know, maybe it's several months, maybe years. But I've had clients who've been through divorce, experienced death, experienced, illness, experienced and the next an ill parent while still taking care of teenagers. So it's been the gamut. And I think that there's a lot of misunderstanding about grief. That keeps people stuck or keeps them from reaching out for help. I think there's something wrong with them, when they don't feel better after they think they've gone through all five stages. And that in and of itself is not something to use as a benchmark or a checkbox list that go through. There are indications of things you might experience, but they aren't linear systematic way of going through grief. The origination of the whole five stages, was written by Elisabeth Kubler Ross observation of people who were approaching death not for the Grievers after somebody has died. So it's just a way of, oh, I might be experiencing some of these things. But there's no order, and you're gonna feel things more than once. In the morning, you might feel one way in and by lunchtime, you're feeling an entirely different way. And there is no end. There is no better.
Coleen Greco
Yeah, it's interesting. You know, I want to make sure we say this right. It's interesting. That you know, you touched on the fact that grief
doesn't have to equal death either you can empty nest syndrome, I know I have one child that is concept is called soiling the nest. That's worse than a root canal and then the other one will be you know, I assume all signs point to like a normal departure and that'll be another type of loss. And that's something that you have to process and there's a lot of women that I work with that I'm helping them sort of rediscover who they are because they're empty nesters where their kids are 12 and above, don't meet them as much anymore and they realize, oh, I still get to be Colleen. Who is that? Right?
Maryann Udel
Yeah, there's a long period of time where you you are at the bottom of your list. If at all, you might not even be on your list and you might not even know what you enjoy doing. And I think when you're in a role, even coaching retirement or losing your job, some people identify so strongly with the job that they have with them the role that they innerwork, that when they retire. They don't know what to do with themselves. They haven't thought about or laid off. Now what a horrible person and then nothing. Who am I? I think that there is because when everyone had to be at home, and people didn't have to be in the office, there was not needing to drive. I kind of like to have my day flow more organically. That I think that there's also a need to connect with people but there's a greater awareness now. Of what do I really want? What is it that how would I choose to live? If I could? Who do I want to be? Not? What is it I want to do, necessarily. I know I want to show up in the world. How do I want to live on purpose?
Coleen Greco
Yeah, and not waiting until like post retirement. When I ask those questions, you can have it all. Right now I was talking to a guy over the weekend. And I think it was around the time of the pandemic that his parents both got sick, and they live like, I don't know, four hours away from them or something. And he said to his wife, I can't don't really want to go home and spend the time with them. It could be a year could be five years we won't know. But I think we have enough and they have this this conversation around. How much is enough? What do we need versus what we want? And are we stockpiling in what does our kit lead to this way as well and they made the choice to come home and they they moved home to you know, this tiny little town in Canada that wasn't known for much of anything and he had to find a new career and do all the things but you know, I think it was you know, probably driven in some fashion by the pandemic, but that the quality of life is so much better. And the truth is, he doesn't know if he's gonna make it until he's 70. He might just have a couple of more years left and what if he hadn't made that change? Who had a couple of years got to the end of his road and have those regrets. So I'd love to hear more about you know, grief shows up in so many different way. Like I've always tell people because I lost my parents when I was 36. And that was like I was the first one. My parents were older too because I'm the youngest of seven right so I had read my parents were 72 and 76. And I tell people all the time like you can't just bury them and move on the grease will find you. Yeah, it comes out whether you like it or not and just let it happen and don't shame yourself. If you find yourself. You know you're going back to work and kind of feel okay. Enjoy those moments. Of being okay, because then the grid comes in you need to create space for that too.
Coleen Greco
That was about grief and like how it shows up and in how you advise people to to deal with it and especially in the beginning where they may not know what to do well, grief is all encompassing in the beginning
Maryann Udel
and it will be different depending on what it is. But my caveat that booth is different for everybody. I can tell you what my experience was as a 24 year old widow of my husband was killed in an automobile accident very unexpected when I was out of town when it happened and had to fly back to plant at 24. And I don't remember a lot of there is brain fog. There is a lack of energy, there's autopilot for the things that you have to take care of all the legal things and the things and the obligatory reading of people. So once that is over, there's this numbness.
And I just felt like I was in a fog. I went walking one day and lost
and having my mother in law come to pick me up that it was I've also been laid off and it was like a punching like that. It wasn't the same sort of feeling of it was when I became a widow. But it was you know, it was anger. It was the frustration it was how whatever it was like, yes, yes, thank you very much. That there's different circumstances, different challenges that came up. My father died. It was very difficult and it was different for each of my siblings as well. We all had the same father and experienced his definite different way. And that was different from what my mother did and the funeral home full of people who came to pay their respects. So the
know that whatever what you had mentioned earlier about feelings,
that it's so important to allow the feelings to come out that they do not go away because you can't express them because you haven't felt them. They'll stay inside of you and they will create health hazards or you will try to mask with different coping mechanisms, suffering or activity. You might become an exercise freak or a shopaholic or might turn to drugs or alcohol, or just busyness just work like crazy. So that you feel the feelings they will pass
and you'll be better equipped to
ride the wave the next time it comes. I just want to share a brief story about an early client that I had, instead of sort of demonstrates this feeling of or the sense that feelings don't go away. This woman came to me at a networking meeting right sitting there for several months. And at this particular event, she came over to me and said I think I need to work with you. I'm crying all the time.
And in the course of our time
together she told me that when she was 13 or father had died. And she was told to be strong for her brother and her little brother that she didn't get to go to his funeral. She had to keep a stiff upper lip and she never degrees. So 50 years later, Tears are coming out. So in the course of our work together over a year, we were able to get a lot of those feelings out and process and forgive
the people that didn't know any better.
That gave more attention to her mother than to the children that probably get just as much help. So I think there's there's a lot of misunderstanding and ignorance about grief and how to help people through it. The platitudes are not helpful, trying to fix the situation because there is no fixing because whatever it is that happened, happened. You can't change it is so you have to allow the feelings you need to face the reality and then figure out what's next. And then start taking action. One of the things that I was really
Coleen Greco
stuck on for a while when I think I shared with you offline at some other time that my one of my kids had a suicide attack. And so my work through forgiving the bully in the bully's parents in all the other characters in the play. And I was still so angry and still so sad all the time. And I had a hard time letting go of that label associated with his face and his name. And
Maryann Udel
I remember being like
Coleen Greco
leaving a loss of his innocence, because he immediately had to grow up. He was deprived that really special time in his life. Because things got really serious obviously. Once I was able to grieve the loss of his youth everything changed.
Maryann Udel
Unbelievable. And so you know, I'd love
for people listening. Excuse me.
Speaker 2
To just really consider getting really quiet with yourself and asking yourself what is this about? Why am I still feeling this way? I feel like I've really dealt with and put to rest all of these different parts of my story and something still isn't right. You ask yourself, your body will tell you how.
Coleen Greco
You know and then working with someone like you to really kind of process through things and get to the other side is invaluable because you're you're hamstrung or you're held prisoner by by grief by not exploring. And it's scary. Because it hurts. Yeah.
Maryann Udel
And that that's part of the resistance that people will express. I'm afraid that if I start crying, I won't be able to stop. Or I mean, in the beginning of experiencing something. There might be days where you feel like all you can do is sob or take a shower and you come out and then something reminds you and you cry a little bit more. That eventually is it's a tsunami in the beginning and you're upside down and you can't breathe and you don't know where the ground is. But as the water subsides as the pain subsides, ground, start breathing. And you can figure out where you are at the moment. Then you start moving forward. And the next time a wave hits, you're a little better prepared and it won't throw you off your feet or if you do get thrown off your seat. You understand that? You survived the worst of it. And that you can and that you have gone forward and it's still you're surviving. You're learning how to live with it.
Maryann Udel
I don't follow the five stages and they don't have to memorize. You know, I would have to go back and even look at them. I the way I address them usually is to say that the stages are only signposts of things
Coleen Greco
you might feel they
Maryann Udel
give you a heads up. You might feel this, there's no there's no guarantee that you will go through that. You know that there's
that when the book came out, people latched
on to that like, oh, this gives me a checklist this
That's this. Yeah, it's solid to work with and
I need that. Because I know I'm one of those people I need to know what the process is. And I was for a long time. It was first provides people hope to because it's like, okay, I'm in anger and then I can expect
Coleen Greco
to be in like sadness. So I'm kind of like hang on until sadness comes and then I'll know I graduated anger or whatever. And then there are people I have a few friends who know parents have been gone 10 plus years and it's still like, they cannot talk about it. They're not out of the whatever stage that is right. Like they're, they're denial. Yeah. Not me not in denial.
Maryann Udel
Because it's just if I don't talk about it that does something happen. Or, or they're afraid of opening the floodgates. Right? And as a mindset coach, I'm constantly saying like that, first of all that
Coleen Greco
person that you love them so much that you get to feel this way. You have to they've moved on, but don't you want to celebrate them and educate me on who they were so I can feel them and see them in you. And that that little gift sometimes helps people kind of snap out of it and say yeah, we need to be talking about these people, they matter. Alright, let's go. That's it. That's a beautiful thing to say. Because whenever I'm
Maryann Udel
speaking with a client, if it's regarding a death, I will ask them to tell me a wonderful story about their person. You know, a fond memory, or a woman came to me when the mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. And she was angry and she was pre grieving amongst that kind of thing. And having that Satori, grief, and she was angry that she couldn't get through to her mother. And it was a little bit of a mindset adjustment. And also, when I also started having her tell me some fond memories of her mom. She was able to shift she was able to see the mom that was the the loss. Yeah, and
it just changed things for her and,
and then acknowledging the reality. You can test. You can test it maybe you can't mend a relationship that felt heavy. Maybe you can't do anything to change. What's happening right now. But what can you do with the way things are? There's always another way to look at it. I'm glad you said that
Coleen Greco
because you know my mom went first. I was 36 and she died in my arms. So as you might imagine, that is this moment, right? Like that is worth everything. And after she passed No you did the obligatory put it on Facebook so people know because there's no such thing is rolodexes anymore. And in my post was filled with gratitude that like I got to help her accent. She brought me in how amazing is that full circle moment Right? filled with gratitude. And so I try to share that as often as possible with people to say like this doesn't have to be a sad ending by the way she shows up in my yard constantly as a cardinal constantly. So she's she's ever my dad the same thing. I mean, I wasn't able to be there. He passed in the middle of the night that it has on my wedding anniversary, that help us was bad that he and my mom did on one of the proudest days of their, you know, their life is parents and how you know, he was declining with Lewy body dementia and how that timely business of life. Like I got to spoon, spoon feed him food and play with him like he was sprayed with. It was precious. It was like this wouldn't change it for the world. Yeah, I can be angry about that. That, you know, he didn't die some other way. But like what other way would I have chosen? Right? Like a horrible lung debilitating cancer,
but that'd be better. No,
he went the way he was supposed to go. So I don't know. I'm sure I'm downplaying it. But, you know, I try to share with people all the time like, work. No one's getting out of here. Right, exactly. And I think just going off what you just
Maryann Udel
said that there's always with how you're going to respond. You can have your feelings you can express what you want to express. Okay, what can I how can I be with this? How can I get through this in the best way possible and the experience that we talked about with your dad had a choice on how you could respond and how you were going to be with him
at that time,
that if you had chosen to just be pissed off, you wouldn't have had that connection. You would love to have had that bonding and just the joy of being together. And when moments of lucidity came because with Lewy
Coleen Greco
Body, they come in and out. There was a moment where I was holding them up in the pool and he said let me go let him go and I got it. I got it. Okay, not gonna physically let you go now that would be dangerous, but yes, I get it. And I I was so thankful for that moment. Like when he had those moments. They were amazing. And so that's where I choose to focus my attention and that's my goal for everyone is to just pull out the beautiful moments and not dwell on what you don't have. To be that way with any
Maryann Udel
any situation that you're grieving. And quite often, people don't realize that what they're feeling is grief. What you were talking about earlier with your kids. Mess. Yeah, you identified as mom and all of a sudden. Now what do I do? Where do I find my own personal joy? And thankfully your joyologists so
in ways like this, I have a lot more time to talk to
Coleen Greco
amazing guests and you know, it is an interesting, fascinating time. I was talking to somebody earlier and they said like Who's your ideal client and I said, Any woman that has turned 40 Coleen Greco
ways like this I would love for time to talk to amazing guests and you know, it is an interesting, fascinating time I was talking to somebody earlier and they said, like, Who's your ideal client and I said, Any woman that has turned 40 netted out that's pretty much what it is or people realize they have lost sight of themselves right around 40 You know whether they kids or not, it happens to every single woman so it's it's funny, I was like, yeah, it's kind of the thing, but we get to feel this way we get to like, you know, make the pivots make the adjustments.
Speaker 1
And, you know, sometimes people ask me if I find it very sad or depressing to be a grief coach, and I have to say no, you know, being able to guide someone to find some peace to find some joy to figure out, oh, I can't change this, but I know that I'm still alive and I can live and I can be happy. And I'm not a bad person. If I'm happy after somebody dies or after I lose my job. It's it's it's the evolution of of your funeral. And everybody has survived something. Yeah, when you think about it, it's pretty profound. It is
Coleen Greco
and you know, you have the gift of not absorbing the bear so you know, you're creating space for whatever they're going through and you can be empathetic and compassionate about their situation. But I think what it becomes depressing, that's when you've absorbed it as your own and you're not doing that. So I love that. You know what, what you do is such a calling, it's such a gift and I'm so thankful to have you on today. I have your LinkedIn up here. If I want to get in touch with you if Maryann is snowing on the end of n dash, u del u d e l am I pronouncing that right? You got the four letters but I feel so you can connect with her on LinkedIn. She's also on Instagram, but you know, I can attest that I see. Very active on LinkedIn, especially today. Why Why are you so active on LinkedIn today? It's my birthday. Didn't really dance, but Happy birthday I think. I wish you celebrated birthday month if you don't think about it, doesn't mean you have to get a ton of gifts but you should be celebrating yourself every single day. Well, it's interesting because the first Thursday of every month I
Speaker 1
always host a virtual coffee break. And I did that earlier today. And when I sent out the invitation for it, or posted it. I said come help celebrate my birthday and join me for coffee. And I did extend an open invitation for anyone to trick me into coffee person throughout the entire month. Yes, yeah.
Coleen Greco
I you know, that's such a great idea too, because it's like, people just often want to be they can't wait for the invitation. They're not not wanting to connect with people. They just you know, assume people are busy and so when you say hey, like coffee, I bet you got a bunch of takers.
Speaker 1
During the break, what I chose to talk about celebrations, so I'm inviting everyone to celebrate something about themselves, something that they've accomplished and to start creating that Tada. List. I got I don't remember where I picked up the idea but everyone has their to do list. But your to down list is a write down the things that you've done. Anytime you're feeling low
Coleen Greco
Oh wow. I think a lot. I love it. I was put on a woman yesterday and I always make her give herself a high five on camera. And she's like, You can do it. Stop. You're making your bears and I said repeat after me. I am amazing. Just like by the end when she said it like she really started talking to me that to me. It's like Tada. Like better than that.
Unknown Speaker
Whenever I start a meeting, I always ask for celebrations. Yeah. And you might tell me something that you've accomplished since we last saw each other so it's just we don't often enough
Coleen Greco
I love it. I think that is an awesome, call out and we're gonna make sure we call that out and the tip of the day for sure. hearing anything, any parting words you'd like to say before we wrap up today's? Well, I think just
Speaker 1
give yourself grace. Know that you're not broken. And the learn how to live with whatever.
Coleen Greco
Beautifully said especially the part about not being broken. It breaks my heart when we let ourselves get to that point. So thank you for sharing that today. Well, that's our latest episode enjoy. Please be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel so you never miss an episode. More Well, that was a great episode with Maryann and we talked a lot about grief and how to process grief and how it might show up in your body and you could go from one stage to another back to the other stage. But one thing that you said at the end that I just absolutely loved is having a Tada list. I absolutely love that. You know celebrating all the greatness. That is you the things that you are proud of, no matter how big or small. And none of the small things, by the way are insignificant. They're all important. They should all be celebrated. And I always make my clients do high fives. I'm always like high 5. Because if they don't have high fives ourselves, like who else is gonna do it? For us. So we have to as part of learning self love as part of showing others how to treat us need to be able to celebrate ourselves. So that's our joy Tip of the Day develop a TADA list.
Coleen Greco:
Thank you for tuning in to Joy Unleashed. As always, it's my honor to be your host and Joyologist Coleen Greco. Follow me @thecoleengreco on Instagram for daily motivation and inspiration. And don't forget to leave my show a review on Apple podcasts. Until next time, sisters.
The Joy Unleashed show empowers and inspires women to reclaim their joy. We provide tools, resources and connections to help you unlock your true potential. Through engaging conversation, expert insights and transformative stories. We create a vibrant and inclusive community where women can break free from the limitations that hold them back. I'm Joyologists, Coleen Greco and it is my honor to be your host. Let's get right into the show.
If you feel like you're stuck, if you feel like you don't quite know your purpose, or maybe you know it, but you just can't find the path toward it. If you're uncomfortable in your own skin and want to finally master self love, then we need to talk. I'm Coleen Greco and I'm your Joyologists. I help women just like you to reclaim the joy they feel is missing in their life through mindset coaching and nutrition coaching. Whether you have weight to lose or simply need to get your gut in check. I've got to work together to retire limiting beliefs. Those are the stories that are keeping you from your purpose. I need you to hear me. Those are the stories that we need to get rid of in order to get you on your path to your purpose. We will work together to get you that life you've always dreamed up. It would be my honor to connect with you, reach out to me via Instagram at @thecoleengreco or email me at coleen@coleengreco.com Let's get you back to the show.
Coleen Greco
So this episode is brought to you by lignum wealth management. I've worked with Mark like them for over 15 years and before you get your mind racing, wealth was not and maybe will ever be a term in my vocabulary. It's more like survival is how I started and how to really develop a plan, one zero at a time. How do I plan for the future now? So that was our mindset. And you know, I spend my days coaching clients on ways to improve their well being and finances are very core part of your overall wellbeing. Ignoring it doesn't make the problem go away. In fact, it makes it worse and you wake up years down the line wishing that you had taken that first step towards a plan with Mark takes a very personalized approach to coaching. And it's all about your financial goals, not his and he'll provide you sensible solutions and referrals to other experts that help you with your situation. Having a coach like Mark guide our family through the various stages of life allows me to focus on what I do best. So take the first step today towards a solid financial future in contact mark lignum wealth management, his information.
Coleen Greco
Welcome back to another episode of Joy Unleashe. My name is Coleen Greco. I am your humble host for today's show and you may say is that your chair but I knew it is. I'm standing had a little back injury. We're still pushing hard with the show. I cannot wait to introduce you to my next guest. Maryann widow. Welcome to the show, Maryann.
Maryann Udel
Thank you Coleen and thank you for still having me despite
Coleen Greco
, I was doing a training earlier today and that person was like, you don't have to share that stuff. And I said, that's what people like about me is my authenticity like the show must go on. I'm just gonna figure it out and find a way through it. So I if I could reach my suitcase right now I would show you I am in love with the suitcase. It is my new best friend. It gets me around the house. It's like the perfect. Thank you, Samson. I will tag them in the recording of the show. So do me a favor. Just introduce yourself to those listening and watching so they can get a sense of who we're talking to today. Well,
Maryann Udel
thank you Coleen. My name is Maryann down. I'm the founder of sheltering tree. I work with folks, individuals, companies and nonprofits who are dealing with loss major change or groups. I worked into a process to help them make peace with the past so they can embrace the promise of their future.
Coleen Greco
And love it I already feel more relaxed and soon just by your like your essence and your cadence. So that's, that's wonderful. And it's just needed to I feel like people feel like they either don't know where to find the help or that they're not entitled to the help or that their situation is so different. You couldn't possibly help them navigate it. I don't know. You know which one of those you want to tackle first, but what are you seeing in terms of like how people are finding you, and what are some of the things that they're they're hoping to get support
Maryann Udel
of working with you? Well, that's a multi multi layered question. People find me in a variety of different ways. I do a lot of podcast interviews. I speak on a regular basis and network and I do things on social media talking about loss and grief. I think that it's a wide variety of people that come to me. Usually it's people who have gone through something and it's been a wild ride, and they don't feel like things are improving yet. You know, maybe it's several months, maybe years. But I've had clients who've been through divorce, experienced death, experienced, illness, experienced and the next an ill parent while still taking care of teenagers. So it's been the gamut. And I think that there's a lot of misunderstanding about grief. That keeps people stuck or keeps them from reaching out for help. I think there's something wrong with them, when they don't feel better after they think they've gone through all five stages. And that in and of itself is not something to use as a benchmark or a checkbox list that go through. There are indications of things you might experience, but they aren't linear systematic way of going through grief. The origination of the whole five stages, was written by Elisabeth Kubler Ross observation of people who were approaching death not for the Grievers after somebody has died. So it's just a way of, oh, I might be experiencing some of these things. But there's no order, and you're gonna feel things more than once. In the morning, you might feel one way in and by lunchtime, you're feeling an entirely different way. And there is no end. There is no better.
Coleen Greco
Yeah, it's interesting. You know, I want to make sure we say this right. It's interesting. That you know, you touched on the fact that grief
doesn't have to equal death either you can empty nest syndrome, I know I have one child that is concept is called soiling the nest. That's worse than a root canal and then the other one will be you know, I assume all signs point to like a normal departure and that'll be another type of loss. And that's something that you have to process and there's a lot of women that I work with that I'm helping them sort of rediscover who they are because they're empty nesters where their kids are 12 and above, don't meet them as much anymore and they realize, oh, I still get to be Colleen. Who is that? Right?
Maryann Udel
Yeah, there's a long period of time where you you are at the bottom of your list. If at all, you might not even be on your list and you might not even know what you enjoy doing. And I think when you're in a role, even coaching retirement or losing your job, some people identify so strongly with the job that they have with them the role that they innerwork, that when they retire. They don't know what to do with themselves. They haven't thought about or laid off. Now what a horrible person and then nothing. Who am I? I think that there is because when everyone had to be at home, and people didn't have to be in the office, there was not needing to drive. I kind of like to have my day flow more organically. That I think that there's also a need to connect with people but there's a greater awareness now. Of what do I really want? What is it that how would I choose to live? If I could? Who do I want to be? Not? What is it I want to do, necessarily. I know I want to show up in the world. How do I want to live on purpose?
Coleen Greco
Yeah, and not waiting until like post retirement. When I ask those questions, you can have it all. Right now I was talking to a guy over the weekend. And I think it was around the time of the pandemic that his parents both got sick, and they live like, I don't know, four hours away from them or something. And he said to his wife, I can't don't really want to go home and spend the time with them. It could be a year could be five years we won't know. But I think we have enough and they have this this conversation around. How much is enough? What do we need versus what we want? And are we stockpiling in what does our kit lead to this way as well and they made the choice to come home and they they moved home to you know, this tiny little town in Canada that wasn't known for much of anything and he had to find a new career and do all the things but you know, I think it was you know, probably driven in some fashion by the pandemic, but that the quality of life is so much better. And the truth is, he doesn't know if he's gonna make it until he's 70. He might just have a couple of more years left and what if he hadn't made that change? Who had a couple of years got to the end of his road and have those regrets. So I'd love to hear more about you know, grief shows up in so many different way. Like I've always tell people because I lost my parents when I was 36. And that was like I was the first one. My parents were older too because I'm the youngest of seven right so I had read my parents were 72 and 76. And I tell people all the time like you can't just bury them and move on the grease will find you. Yeah, it comes out whether you like it or not and just let it happen and don't shame yourself. If you find yourself. You know you're going back to work and kind of feel okay. Enjoy those moments. Of being okay, because then the grid comes in you need to create space for that too.
Coleen Greco
That was about grief and like how it shows up and in how you advise people to to deal with it and especially in the beginning where they may not know what to do well, grief is all encompassing in the beginning
Maryann Udel
and it will be different depending on what it is. But my caveat that booth is different for everybody. I can tell you what my experience was as a 24 year old widow of my husband was killed in an automobile accident very unexpected when I was out of town when it happened and had to fly back to plant at 24. And I don't remember a lot of there is brain fog. There is a lack of energy, there's autopilot for the things that you have to take care of all the legal things and the things and the obligatory reading of people. So once that is over, there's this numbness.
And I just felt like I was in a fog. I went walking one day and lost
and having my mother in law come to pick me up that it was I've also been laid off and it was like a punching like that. It wasn't the same sort of feeling of it was when I became a widow. But it was you know, it was anger. It was the frustration it was how whatever it was like, yes, yes, thank you very much. That there's different circumstances, different challenges that came up. My father died. It was very difficult and it was different for each of my siblings as well. We all had the same father and experienced his definite different way. And that was different from what my mother did and the funeral home full of people who came to pay their respects. So the
know that whatever what you had mentioned earlier about feelings,
that it's so important to allow the feelings to come out that they do not go away because you can't express them because you haven't felt them. They'll stay inside of you and they will create health hazards or you will try to mask with different coping mechanisms, suffering or activity. You might become an exercise freak or a shopaholic or might turn to drugs or alcohol, or just busyness just work like crazy. So that you feel the feelings they will pass
and you'll be better equipped to
ride the wave the next time it comes. I just want to share a brief story about an early client that I had, instead of sort of demonstrates this feeling of or the sense that feelings don't go away. This woman came to me at a networking meeting right sitting there for several months. And at this particular event, she came over to me and said I think I need to work with you. I'm crying all the time.
And in the course of our time
together she told me that when she was 13 or father had died. And she was told to be strong for her brother and her little brother that she didn't get to go to his funeral. She had to keep a stiff upper lip and she never degrees. So 50 years later, Tears are coming out. So in the course of our work together over a year, we were able to get a lot of those feelings out and process and forgive
the people that didn't know any better.
That gave more attention to her mother than to the children that probably get just as much help. So I think there's there's a lot of misunderstanding and ignorance about grief and how to help people through it. The platitudes are not helpful, trying to fix the situation because there is no fixing because whatever it is that happened, happened. You can't change it is so you have to allow the feelings you need to face the reality and then figure out what's next. And then start taking action. One of the things that I was really
Coleen Greco
stuck on for a while when I think I shared with you offline at some other time that my one of my kids had a suicide attack. And so my work through forgiving the bully in the bully's parents in all the other characters in the play. And I was still so angry and still so sad all the time. And I had a hard time letting go of that label associated with his face and his name. And
Maryann Udel
I remember being like
Coleen Greco
leaving a loss of his innocence, because he immediately had to grow up. He was deprived that really special time in his life. Because things got really serious obviously. Once I was able to grieve the loss of his youth everything changed.
Maryann Udel
Unbelievable. And so you know, I'd love
for people listening. Excuse me.
Speaker 2
To just really consider getting really quiet with yourself and asking yourself what is this about? Why am I still feeling this way? I feel like I've really dealt with and put to rest all of these different parts of my story and something still isn't right. You ask yourself, your body will tell you how.
Coleen Greco
You know and then working with someone like you to really kind of process through things and get to the other side is invaluable because you're you're hamstrung or you're held prisoner by by grief by not exploring. And it's scary. Because it hurts. Yeah.
Maryann Udel
And that that's part of the resistance that people will express. I'm afraid that if I start crying, I won't be able to stop. Or I mean, in the beginning of experiencing something. There might be days where you feel like all you can do is sob or take a shower and you come out and then something reminds you and you cry a little bit more. That eventually is it's a tsunami in the beginning and you're upside down and you can't breathe and you don't know where the ground is. But as the water subsides as the pain subsides, ground, start breathing. And you can figure out where you are at the moment. Then you start moving forward. And the next time a wave hits, you're a little better prepared and it won't throw you off your feet or if you do get thrown off your seat. You understand that? You survived the worst of it. And that you can and that you have gone forward and it's still you're surviving. You're learning how to live with it.
Maryann Udel
I don't follow the five stages and they don't have to memorize. You know, I would have to go back and even look at them. I the way I address them usually is to say that the stages are only signposts of things
Coleen Greco
you might feel they
Maryann Udel
give you a heads up. You might feel this, there's no there's no guarantee that you will go through that. You know that there's
that when the book came out, people latched
on to that like, oh, this gives me a checklist this
That's this. Yeah, it's solid to work with and
I need that. Because I know I'm one of those people I need to know what the process is. And I was for a long time. It was first provides people hope to because it's like, okay, I'm in anger and then I can expect
Coleen Greco
to be in like sadness. So I'm kind of like hang on until sadness comes and then I'll know I graduated anger or whatever. And then there are people I have a few friends who know parents have been gone 10 plus years and it's still like, they cannot talk about it. They're not out of the whatever stage that is right. Like they're, they're denial. Yeah. Not me not in denial.
Maryann Udel
Because it's just if I don't talk about it that does something happen. Or, or they're afraid of opening the floodgates. Right? And as a mindset coach, I'm constantly saying like that, first of all that
Coleen Greco
person that you love them so much that you get to feel this way. You have to they've moved on, but don't you want to celebrate them and educate me on who they were so I can feel them and see them in you. And that that little gift sometimes helps people kind of snap out of it and say yeah, we need to be talking about these people, they matter. Alright, let's go. That's it. That's a beautiful thing to say. Because whenever I'm
Maryann Udel
speaking with a client, if it's regarding a death, I will ask them to tell me a wonderful story about their person. You know, a fond memory, or a woman came to me when the mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. And she was angry and she was pre grieving amongst that kind of thing. And having that Satori, grief, and she was angry that she couldn't get through to her mother. And it was a little bit of a mindset adjustment. And also, when I also started having her tell me some fond memories of her mom. She was able to shift she was able to see the mom that was the the loss. Yeah, and
it just changed things for her and,
and then acknowledging the reality. You can test. You can test it maybe you can't mend a relationship that felt heavy. Maybe you can't do anything to change. What's happening right now. But what can you do with the way things are? There's always another way to look at it. I'm glad you said that
Coleen Greco
because you know my mom went first. I was 36 and she died in my arms. So as you might imagine, that is this moment, right? Like that is worth everything. And after she passed No you did the obligatory put it on Facebook so people know because there's no such thing is rolodexes anymore. And in my post was filled with gratitude that like I got to help her accent. She brought me in how amazing is that full circle moment Right? filled with gratitude. And so I try to share that as often as possible with people to say like this doesn't have to be a sad ending by the way she shows up in my yard constantly as a cardinal constantly. So she's she's ever my dad the same thing. I mean, I wasn't able to be there. He passed in the middle of the night that it has on my wedding anniversary, that help us was bad that he and my mom did on one of the proudest days of their, you know, their life is parents and how you know, he was declining with Lewy body dementia and how that timely business of life. Like I got to spoon, spoon feed him food and play with him like he was sprayed with. It was precious. It was like this wouldn't change it for the world. Yeah, I can be angry about that. That, you know, he didn't die some other way. But like what other way would I have chosen? Right? Like a horrible lung debilitating cancer,
but that'd be better. No,
he went the way he was supposed to go. So I don't know. I'm sure I'm downplaying it. But, you know, I try to share with people all the time like, work. No one's getting out of here. Right, exactly. And I think just going off what you just
Maryann Udel
said that there's always with how you're going to respond. You can have your feelings you can express what you want to express. Okay, what can I how can I be with this? How can I get through this in the best way possible and the experience that we talked about with your dad had a choice on how you could respond and how you were going to be with him
at that time,
that if you had chosen to just be pissed off, you wouldn't have had that connection. You would love to have had that bonding and just the joy of being together. And when moments of lucidity came because with Lewy
Coleen Greco
Body, they come in and out. There was a moment where I was holding them up in the pool and he said let me go let him go and I got it. I got it. Okay, not gonna physically let you go now that would be dangerous, but yes, I get it. And I I was so thankful for that moment. Like when he had those moments. They were amazing. And so that's where I choose to focus my attention and that's my goal for everyone is to just pull out the beautiful moments and not dwell on what you don't have. To be that way with any
Maryann Udel
any situation that you're grieving. And quite often, people don't realize that what they're feeling is grief. What you were talking about earlier with your kids. Mess. Yeah, you identified as mom and all of a sudden. Now what do I do? Where do I find my own personal joy? And thankfully your joyologists so
in ways like this, I have a lot more time to talk to
Coleen Greco
amazing guests and you know, it is an interesting, fascinating time. I was talking to somebody earlier and they said like Who's your ideal client and I said, Any woman that has turned 40 Coleen Greco
ways like this I would love for time to talk to amazing guests and you know, it is an interesting, fascinating time I was talking to somebody earlier and they said, like, Who's your ideal client and I said, Any woman that has turned 40 netted out that's pretty much what it is or people realize they have lost sight of themselves right around 40 You know whether they kids or not, it happens to every single woman so it's it's funny, I was like, yeah, it's kind of the thing, but we get to feel this way we get to like, you know, make the pivots make the adjustments.
Speaker 1
And, you know, sometimes people ask me if I find it very sad or depressing to be a grief coach, and I have to say no, you know, being able to guide someone to find some peace to find some joy to figure out, oh, I can't change this, but I know that I'm still alive and I can live and I can be happy. And I'm not a bad person. If I'm happy after somebody dies or after I lose my job. It's it's it's the evolution of of your funeral. And everybody has survived something. Yeah, when you think about it, it's pretty profound. It is
Coleen Greco
and you know, you have the gift of not absorbing the bear so you know, you're creating space for whatever they're going through and you can be empathetic and compassionate about their situation. But I think what it becomes depressing, that's when you've absorbed it as your own and you're not doing that. So I love that. You know what, what you do is such a calling, it's such a gift and I'm so thankful to have you on today. I have your LinkedIn up here. If I want to get in touch with you if Maryann is snowing on the end of n dash, u del u d e l am I pronouncing that right? You got the four letters but I feel so you can connect with her on LinkedIn. She's also on Instagram, but you know, I can attest that I see. Very active on LinkedIn, especially today. Why Why are you so active on LinkedIn today? It's my birthday. Didn't really dance, but Happy birthday I think. I wish you celebrated birthday month if you don't think about it, doesn't mean you have to get a ton of gifts but you should be celebrating yourself every single day. Well, it's interesting because the first Thursday of every month I
Speaker 1
always host a virtual coffee break. And I did that earlier today. And when I sent out the invitation for it, or posted it. I said come help celebrate my birthday and join me for coffee. And I did extend an open invitation for anyone to trick me into coffee person throughout the entire month. Yes, yeah.
Coleen Greco
I you know, that's such a great idea too, because it's like, people just often want to be they can't wait for the invitation. They're not not wanting to connect with people. They just you know, assume people are busy and so when you say hey, like coffee, I bet you got a bunch of takers.
Speaker 1
During the break, what I chose to talk about celebrations, so I'm inviting everyone to celebrate something about themselves, something that they've accomplished and to start creating that Tada. List. I got I don't remember where I picked up the idea but everyone has their to do list. But your to down list is a write down the things that you've done. Anytime you're feeling low
Coleen Greco
Oh wow. I think a lot. I love it. I was put on a woman yesterday and I always make her give herself a high five on camera. And she's like, You can do it. Stop. You're making your bears and I said repeat after me. I am amazing. Just like by the end when she said it like she really started talking to me that to me. It's like Tada. Like better than that.
Unknown Speaker
Whenever I start a meeting, I always ask for celebrations. Yeah. And you might tell me something that you've accomplished since we last saw each other so it's just we don't often enough
Coleen Greco
I love it. I think that is an awesome, call out and we're gonna make sure we call that out and the tip of the day for sure. hearing anything, any parting words you'd like to say before we wrap up today's? Well, I think just
Speaker 1
give yourself grace. Know that you're not broken. And the learn how to live with whatever.
Coleen Greco
Beautifully said especially the part about not being broken. It breaks my heart when we let ourselves get to that point. So thank you for sharing that today. Well, that's our latest episode enjoy. Please be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel so you never miss an episode. More Well, that was a great episode with Maryann and we talked a lot about grief and how to process grief and how it might show up in your body and you could go from one stage to another back to the other stage. But one thing that you said at the end that I just absolutely loved is having a Tada list. I absolutely love that. You know celebrating all the greatness. That is you the things that you are proud of, no matter how big or small. And none of the small things, by the way are insignificant. They're all important. They should all be celebrated. And I always make my clients do high fives. I'm always like high 5. Because if they don't have high fives ourselves, like who else is gonna do it? For us. So we have to as part of learning self love as part of showing others how to treat us need to be able to celebrate ourselves. So that's our joy Tip of the Day develop a TADA list.
Coleen Greco:
Thank you for tuning in to Joy Unleashed. As always, it's my honor to be your host and Joyologist Coleen Greco. Follow me @thecoleengreco on Instagram for daily motivation and inspiration. And don't forget to leave my show a review on Apple podcasts. Until next time, sisters.
