Why Receiving Doesn’t Feel Safe With Nicola Myles

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Welcome to Inside Out Connections, where we explore the link between your skin, your gut, emotional health, and your deeper sense of self.
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I'm your host, Tracy Ann, a wellness coach exploring what it really means to reconnect from the inside out.
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Today we're talking about something that sounds incredibly simple.
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Receiving.
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Receiving a compliment, receiving help, receiving love, support, rest, or simply allowing somebody else just to show up for us.
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But what if receiving doesn't feel safe?
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If you've spent years being the capable one, looking after everyone else, staying in control, or simply getting on with things, receiving can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.
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So today I want to understand what might be happening underneath that and what our nervous system, our past experiences, and the patterns we've learned along the way have to do with it.
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Joining me is counsellor and somatic practitioner Nicola Miles, whose work explores many of these deeper patterns and what can happen when we begin to create safety within ourselves.
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Nicola, welcome to Inside Out Connections.
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I'm so thrilled to have you here today.
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Thank you.
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I feel very fortunate to be here with you.
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So thank you very much for inviting me.
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And before we get into receiving, this podcast is not just for everyone else, but especially me, because that's something I struggle with.
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But before we get into it, I'd love to hear a little bit about you.
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What brought you into this work and can you explain to our listeners exactly what you do?
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Okay, so I'm actually a counsellor.
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I do hypnosis, breath work, somatic mindfulness.
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And what got me into this work was my own journey, my own journey back to myself.
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I got to a point in my life where I felt quite disconnected from myself and didn't really know who I was, and were going through the motions of being a mother, being a wife, being a friend, but I actually didn't know who I was.
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And I felt my son had anxiety at one stage in his life, which he, you know, he has anxiety.
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It is something that he lives with.
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He's learnt himself the tools to deal with that.
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But at the time he was maybe about 10 years old and I was struggling to get him to go to school.
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I tried psychologists, different doctors, and there was nothing coming up that was wrong with him.
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And at the time, anxiety wasn't something that we thought about or talked about.
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It was just he was feeling sick and we couldn't understand why.
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In the end, I took him to a hypnotherapist.
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My mum said she's uh very spiritual, my mum, and said, Let's try something different.
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So I went to a hypnotherapist and it worked.
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And I said to the practitioner, How do I do what you do?
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Because this is amazing.
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And then he said, read this book, do a course, and get a really good mentor.
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And I was like, Oh, okay.
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I walked away.
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And my mum being a she's a Reiki master, a psychic medium, and she's incredible.
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But I've seen her in the spiritual realm, and I was like, I feel it's a bit left field.
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I want to go more mainstream.
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So I studied counseling.
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And at the end of the counseling course, the place that I was learning through offered hypnosis.
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And I was like, oh, maybe I should do hypnosis after all.
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So I reached out to my mentor and said, Look, I'm thinking about doing hypnosis.
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I've just done counseling.
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And he said, Yeah, do it and I'll be your mentor.
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So he mentored me for a year.
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I work very differently to him and found myself going back to the counseling.
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I do love hypnosis, I do love what it brings, but I always lean back on the counseling of coming back to the self.
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So that's where the somatic work comes in and the gentle breath work to really help people find the connection back into themselves.
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So that's how I got where I am here today.
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I love that.
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And I really wanted to interject while you were talking because there were so many parallels there for me.
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Um I too, I had a really spiritual mum as well, grew up with like Louise Hay books all around the house.
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And my son suffered from anxiety and still does to a certain extent, but he's who got me on my journey of healing as well.
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Yeah.
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So there's so many parallels.
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Yeah.
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So I I love that story, and I love it's not just talk therapy, it's the somatic and the body work, and especially for your son as well, for a young man to sit there and do talk therapy.
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It's quite confronting.
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So I like that idea of doing hypnotherapy or somatic work to help people through that are uncomfortable with talking about things because often we don't know what they are.
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That's right.
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They didn't, he didn't know what it was.
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He had an incident that happened with him at school and that triggered.
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But I truly believe our children are our biggest teachers.
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So his journey was just an invitation to myself where I could see, and if I really am honest, when I look at what was happening in our lives at that time when his anxiety was living within him very strongly, I was on this lost connection of self.
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My nervous system was so dysregulated, trying to manage three children, trying to go back to work full-time and have a marriage that was very, you know, as much as I loved my husband, it was a time in his life where he was discovering himself.
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And I was like, my.
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So when I see the connection and the parallels between ourselves and our children, that that self-compassion has to be made with a parent to help themselves come back.
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We're all learning, and if we can see our children as invitations, they're mirrors of our behavior and our nervous systems are so connected.
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Can not take responsibility so much, but can we meet that with compassion?
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Can we own a little bit?
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Yeah, because they are, like you said, like mirrors, sponges, they're absorbing everything in their environment and us as our as their primary caregivers, um, yeah, they they understand more of what's going on than we actually think that they do.
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A hundred percent.
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And I'm not saying he would have next recognized that at all.
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And it's only from the work that, you know, we've discovered probably you're the same that we'll I've come up with that conclusion from the work that I've done.
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At the time, I didn't have a clue what was happening.
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That's why I love actually working with kids and their parents, because generally we just as parents learning, and if we can meet ourselves with compassion, the kids then feel safe to be themselves too.
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It's a real I it's just such a beautiful gift that we get to give each other.
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Because when you I know, you know, when you have first have children, it's so true when they when they hit a certain age that perhaps where we have unfinished business from our childhood or our needs weren't met at particular at a particular stage in our life.
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It can be triggering, and I know triggering is an overused word, but it it can be, it can remind us of something like my daughter becoming a teenager and entering into womanhood.
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That brings up a lot of stuff for me as well.
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So if we're not ready for it, it can be quite a volatile ride, right?
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So it's really good to be curious and patient with ourselves when that comes up.
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I love how you just framed all of that.
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It's so true.
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Yeah.
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And so, how did that experience of with your son and doing this work and working with different people and having the mentor and taking on this counseling business, how did that influence the way you work with people today?
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Curiosity, the word that you used before, and I really feel the more we lean into curiosity, um, lean into self, how do I really thinking about your question?
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I can't remember what you said.
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You're talking to a man of tools of a woman.
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I totally go.
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Same, same.
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How does it all influence the way that you work with people today?
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Just just knowing what you know now, you know, helping your son through that journey of anxiety.
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Yeah.
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Really just meeting each other with compassion.
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It's teaching each other to be human.
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If we can understand ourselves, then we can have that compassion for ourselves, which then flows onto compassion for each other.
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And like you said, having a daughter who's coming a woman and going through her journey as well.
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And we're going through the end of our uh cycle, they're going through the beginning of their cycle.
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I have a 15-year-old daughter as well, and it really does bring up those moments.
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And what was I needing at that time?
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How can I help her feel that sense of if you are moody, that's okay.
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If you are feeling like you're uh not coping, it's not a reflection of me.
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It's what are you needing?
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How can I hold that space for you?
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So when people come in here, I really hope to help them find that center for themselves, to find that sense of what am I needing right now to get that curiosity with self.
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What is this teaching me?
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What is this showing me?
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And how can I meet myself with compassion?
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That's such a great question, isn't it?
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And for those listening, I came across one of your posts about receiving and it just blew my mind because for me, I'm such a giver and I just get off on giving and and but I'm sure it's much deeper than that.
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I'm sure there's a bit of control in there as well.
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Don't want to be vulnerable, though, you know, everything that goes with it.
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So when we talk about receiving, what are we actually talking about, Nicola?
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We're really good at giving.
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And especially us being in the roles that we do, we're really good at giving, but a true giver will also receive.
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And what does it mean to receive?
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Receiving means allowing ourselves to, like you said, be vulnerable, allowing ourselves to receive the compliment when somebody gives us a compliment.
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Um, a lot of the time we're conditioned to be, oh no, no, why would you say that about me?
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Oh no, no, I look terrible.
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Or not not often are we trained to go, oh, thank you.
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That's that's really lovely.
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And we even I was talking to my daughter about receiving the other day, and she said on TikTok and on Instagram, it's very much you don't receive compliments.
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Who does she think she is?
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Look at the audacity, and it's that's getting filtered through the young people.
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So they're even getting that conditioning of uh receiving it's like vanity or or being full of yourself, or if you're accepting of a compliment.
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And sometimes it doesn't feel safe for people to feel that they can receive.
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So it's easier just to block the ability to receive by saying, Oh, I can do this, or you can't do that for me, or I'll get the coffee.
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If somebody asks you, would you like a coffee?
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Uh oh, I'll get the next one then.
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We can't fully receive.
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Yeah, it's terrible.
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And we're all just so guilty of it.
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And like you said, especially as women, as mothers, women of our age, we deflect it.
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We want to minimize it or immediately feel the need to give something back.
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Yeah.
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And a true giver, my mum taught me this one, a true giver will really receive because we know the joy of what it's like to receive.
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It feels really nice for us to give, but yet we're receiving that back, right?
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So we're open to receive it back when they're when we're giving it.
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But for us to receive it from their giving it, we're actually blocking them from receiving the joy that and everyone misses out on the dopamine hit.
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Misses out, yeah, which is crazy.
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But we're conditioned that way.
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And yeah, so feeling the able to receive, even though we think we're receiving, we we've conditioned ourselves.
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Maybe it wasn't safe, maybe it was um people would let us down, maybe it's showing too much a vulnerability.
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So we just lean back on ourselves because we're the ones we can rely on.
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We're the ones who control, like you said, we feel more in control.
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Yes, I know.
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And that was answering my next question, which was if we've spent years being the capable one, right?
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The one that the giver, the organizer, the doer, the person who doesn't need the help, does that eventually become part of how we create safety?
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Yes, I believe that becomes a pattern, and this is what I look for in people patterns.
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And when we realize what we've created, our survival pattern to protect ourselves from being vulnerable by doing all that we can.
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So we can do this, we can do that, we can it gets so uh exhausting, and it gets to the point where we lose ourselves in the doing that we uh find it really hard then to allow ourselves to receive.
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So we block ourselves and so being open and recognizing, so having the awareness to the pattern.
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Once we have the awareness, we can observe ourselves and we can then notice, like we talked about before we came live, about thank you.
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When we become aware of, oh, there I am again blocking myself from receiving it.
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If I become aware, how can I just sit with that for a moment?
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Thank you.
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I receive that.
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Thank you.
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And nobody else has to know that we're training ourselves.
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But so those patterns can be changed.
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So even though we have a pattern, it's not set in concrete.
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It's always moving and evolving as we're growing.
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So we can create new patterns, new pathways, but it's all starting to gain awareness of where we're blocking ourselves by protecting ourselves from receiving.
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But it's safe to receive if we truly can recognize what our body is doing, recognize where we're blocking ourselves.
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Yeah, because for the listeners listening, right at the beginning before we started recording, you gave me a compliment and I instantly deflected.
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I instantly came up and then I went, Well, this is a podcast about receiving.
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I need to reframe that.
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And then instantly I wanted to give you a compliment back.
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Yeah.
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Like it was so hard to sit in the compliment.
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I found it really challenging.
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Do you see that a lot in your work, Nicola?
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Yeah, I do see that a lot.
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Yeah, it is really common.
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Getting back to why I shared that receive, it was because I created a 30-day challenge actually, really for me.
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Like we said, the work that we've started is coming back to self, really.
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And so I traveled and went away.
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I went to New York, and through that travel, I discovered the people needing people, the hustle, the invisibility.
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I went to see Michael Jackson.
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It's all about the man in the mirror.
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And it made me realize that that man in the mirror is us.
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So how can we truly receive?
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We have to learn to feel safe in our bodies.
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So we have to learn to know what it feels like to be you, to recognize those triggers, to recognize those little moments of, oh, oh, but am I safe?
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Yeah.
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So creating the safety first.
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And then when that self-trust, can I trust myself to receive a little bit?
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Can I allow myself to receive a little bit?
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And then it went into um yeah, receiving.
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So it's it's kind of a build-up of learning a new pattern and a new way of being.
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Can I be okay to receive and still feel safe?
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And be okay if it's not how I want it to be.
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That's the other thing.
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Yes, safety is paramount.
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And also, like you said, I talk about awareness a lot, but it's also the action on the awareness, which we've spoken about in another podcast.
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And so it's understanding those parts of yourself, but then also honoring yourself along the way to give yourself the love, to give yourself that rest that you need, to give yourself that moment in the afternoon to put your feet up.
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Yeah.
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That's it starts from not just externally in other people, but within ourselves.
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It's really interesting that you say that.
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It's for example, my husband can lay on the lounge quite comfortably and not have any time to the parallel right there.
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Whereas me, I can't sit down like that.
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This thing to be done.
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It's to be done.
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And even just to sit in still, that's why I know that's my medicine.
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To be in a stillness is it may mean having to do a yoga class purely so I stop.
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Purely so I stop doing.
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And another thing that got me on this journey was a another mentor, an incredible um man that I met on social media, said, Anyone want to do a challenge of sitting for five minutes and three times a day, just sit for five minutes, three times a day.
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And I was like, This is maybe about five or six years ago, maybe six years ago.
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And I said, Oh, I'd love to do that.
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And I couldn't find five minutes to sit.
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Yeah, yeah.
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That's really hard.
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I would find that challenging.
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Challenging, because you feel guilty.
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There's things to do.
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We can't, there's possibly how could I sit for five minutes and do nothing?
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So I ended up taking about three days to get into this, and then thought, I'm gonna have to sit in my car where I physically can't do anything, but just sit in a parked car.
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And even to sit in a parked car and not do something.
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So then I did my breath.
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So then I thought, okay, well, I'll sit, but I'm still doing.
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And I think that realizing that being still doesn't mean doing nothing.
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You you still need to breathe.
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So if if that's your only way of finding that moment of rest by just returning to your breath, that's enough too.
00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:46.079
And it's about being fully present, isn't it?
00:19:46.480 --> 00:19:46.799
Yeah.
00:19:47.119 --> 00:20:01.440
So for me, connecting with the breath I find sometimes hard, but being in nature, I find so much easier to sit under the shade of a beautiful big tree and receive that energy from the tree, or notice a little bird going past.
00:20:01.519 --> 00:20:10.559
It's like being fully present without being on your phone, without thinking that you need to get to the grocery store later on to cook dinner and then you have to reply to the school emails.
00:20:10.720 --> 00:20:10.960
Yes.
00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:16.720
It's actually just being still and finding where it is for you.
00:20:16.799 --> 00:20:23.920
Like you said, nature is so beautiful and so much abundance around us if we truly receive that.
00:20:24.079 --> 00:20:29.279
Like yesterday, there was a beautiful butterfly right in front of me, like just fluttering.
00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:35.279
And I was like, oh wow, if I wasn't present, I wouldn't even see that beauty right in front of me.
00:20:35.440 --> 00:20:40.240
And it's slowing down enough to be able to receive even those moments.
00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:40.720
Yeah.
00:20:41.440 --> 00:20:45.440
Yourself to the tree to just be watching the leaves.
00:20:45.599 --> 00:20:47.839
That's that's the presence that you say.
00:20:47.920 --> 00:20:49.680
It's that's receiving too.
00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:50.319
Hmm.
00:20:50.480 --> 00:21:00.319
And I wonder if some of it, Nicola, underneath is perhaps we feel we're undeserving of it.
00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:02.000
Why me?
00:21:02.160 --> 00:21:03.440
Why would I deserve that?
00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:04.400
Well, that's right.
00:21:04.480 --> 00:21:08.160
Even with my husband having the rest, it's so interesting, isn't it?
00:21:08.240 --> 00:21:10.799
Like, I don't think I deserve to be able to lay down.
00:21:11.039 --> 00:21:11.599
Why not?
00:21:11.759 --> 00:21:12.000
Yeah.
00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:33.119
So it is conditioned to what we have, I guess, built a survival pattern within us that felt normal from what our life may have been like, or what we saw our, you know, parents do, or it's learned behavior as well.
00:21:33.359 --> 00:21:41.359
But it it is really about recognizing where these patterns began and are they learnt behaviors.
00:21:41.920 --> 00:21:45.519
And do these patterns often usually start in childhood?
00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:46.319
Yeah.
00:21:46.799 --> 00:21:47.440
Well, they do.
00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:56.079
We're all just an extension of our family in some way, an extension of those in the first seven years of our lives, we're interconnected with our nervous systems.
00:21:56.240 --> 00:21:59.680
We become them until and then we're conditioned.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:07.920
And we're told how to behave, we're told how to be, how to, and that's how we feel safe.
00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:13.759
So if we my mum was a real doer, she was always doing things.
00:22:13.839 --> 00:22:20.960
She's still now 75 and running around doing all the time and doesn't still hasn't learned the art of resting.
00:22:21.119 --> 00:22:29.279
It very much begins in childhood, and maybe we as little children asked our parents, it's so interesting, actually.
00:22:29.440 --> 00:22:31.839
You know, we don't have time as parents.
00:22:32.079 --> 00:22:38.400
We're too busy to one of my clients, he's a beautiful little autistic boy.
00:22:38.480 --> 00:22:39.279
I love him so much.
00:22:39.359 --> 00:22:41.359
And he says, You want to play hide and seek?
00:22:41.839 --> 00:22:46.720
I have the time to play hide and seek because I'm him, so we can play hide and seek.
00:22:46.880 --> 00:22:50.960
And then he says, But my mum doesn't play hide and seek because you're poor.
00:22:51.519 --> 00:22:54.160
She's working, she's trying to do everything.
00:22:54.480 --> 00:22:55.920
She doesn't have the time.
00:22:56.559 --> 00:22:58.960
So yeah, and then so he stops asking.
00:22:59.759 --> 00:23:00.960
Yeah, that's right.
00:23:01.119 --> 00:23:03.200
And then that's our conditioning, and that's our condition.
00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:04.480
And our patterns begin.
00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:05.119
Yeah.
00:23:05.680 --> 00:23:06.000
Yeah.
00:23:06.240 --> 00:23:06.640
Yeah.
00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:12.240
And and you don't get me wrong, this woman is an incredible mother and he's an incredible boy.
00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:16.400
It's just an observation of like, oh, okay, that's where it begins.
00:23:17.039 --> 00:23:27.519
And I know myself having a 22-year-old son and a 20-year-old son and a 15-year-old daughter, but especially when my older son finished school, I was like, have I done enough?
00:23:27.680 --> 00:23:28.720
Was I too distracted?
00:23:28.880 --> 00:23:29.599
Distracted?
00:23:29.759 --> 00:23:33.039
Have I messed him up by not spending enough quality time?
00:23:33.200 --> 00:23:36.880
Was I spending too much time with my daughter and not my, you know?
00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:43.279
So you have all these um things that happen when your kids get older, like, have I done enough?
00:23:43.359 --> 00:23:44.319
Well, I did anyway.
00:23:45.359 --> 00:23:46.480
Exactly the same.
00:23:47.119 --> 00:23:52.559
And then overgiving and overdoing it comes at a cost as a mum, right?
00:23:52.640 --> 00:23:59.440
And so I think because I had a mum that was not, she had some mental health issues, so she wasn't, she was there but not there.
00:23:59.680 --> 00:24:05.119
And so I spent a lot of time on my own and she would never play and she needed her downtime.
00:24:05.279 --> 00:24:08.400
And so for me, then I overcompensate as a mum.
00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:23.200
Yes, like, yeah, yeah, sure, let's kick the footy, sure, let's go play, like you put leaves in the gutters and watch how far down the street they go, and let you know, it was just constantly active and doing, but I think that came at a cost for me as well.
00:24:23.440 --> 00:24:25.200
100% exhaustion.
00:24:25.759 --> 00:24:26.160
Yeah.
00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:35.359
I know I was the same, a mum who tried to do whatever I could do to be present in the times that I was, but too much again.
00:24:35.680 --> 00:24:42.720
So I didn't teach my children to uh do I was doing for them.
00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:51.839
And I see now how I was actually taking that away from them as well to be able to receive the recognition of what it feels like to make your bed every day.
00:24:52.480 --> 00:25:09.119
Because the mum who had to make the bed, had to get the lunches packed, had to do everything, do, do, do, but never gave them the gift of what it is to receive that joy for themselves of the accomplishment without realizing again that's receiving, but also taking it away.
00:25:09.200 --> 00:25:19.519
Because I received the accolade for having a nice clean house and then you know, kids that went off to school neat and tidy, but they didn't get those little micro minutes of joy themselves.
00:25:19.680 --> 00:25:25.039
And and I say that again, mother guilt.
00:25:25.279 --> 00:25:27.759
We all feel, did we do enough?
00:25:28.880 --> 00:25:32.240
Like can we even receive that the kids are amazing?
00:25:32.400 --> 00:25:34.000
No, but I could have done more.
00:25:34.160 --> 00:25:35.200
Isn't it interesting?
00:25:35.440 --> 00:25:36.640
Yeah, I know.
00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:39.119
Gosh, we are hard on ourselves, aren't we?
00:25:39.279 --> 00:25:42.000
Yeah, we are hard on ourselves.
00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:53.200
And if our needs weren't consistently met when we were children, or we learned very early to be independent, how how might that show up later on in life as well?
00:25:54.160 --> 00:25:57.200
Well, independence can be a really wonderful thing too.
00:25:57.440 --> 00:25:59.359
So, you know, that's a great quality.
00:25:59.440 --> 00:26:06.160
We do want to depend on ourselves and be independent and not rely on everyone to be there for us, but it gets exhausting.
00:26:06.400 --> 00:26:06.720
Yeah.
00:26:07.039 --> 00:26:08.880
And then that gets burnt out.
00:26:09.119 --> 00:26:19.920
We become dysregulated, we become unhappy, we become lost in the matrix of life and disconnected from self.
00:26:20.400 --> 00:26:28.799
So I believe the whole journey is to come back to self, to find your way home in whatever way that looks like.
00:26:29.119 --> 00:26:44.559
So maybe it is being a little bit vulnerable and asking for help, and maybe it is the way in which we ask for help, because sometimes the way we ask can change the way a person will receive it.
00:26:46.240 --> 00:26:52.640
And but I do believe that that comes from again learning, having the awareness.
00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:56.240
Uh maybe it does come to breaking point for a lot of us.
00:26:56.400 --> 00:27:02.960
Maybe it isn't easy, but there's a lot of incredible qualities about being independent women and people.
00:27:03.440 --> 00:27:23.279
And when we can actually ask for that help and it's received beautifully, that's when it becomes um interdependence, where we both work together beautifully and we're both getting our needs met, which is going to be a healthy relationship with the people that mean the most around us.
00:27:23.759 --> 00:27:24.960
And I love that.
00:27:25.200 --> 00:27:35.359
I was thinking I moved out of home at 16 at quite a young age, and I never put my hand out once to my family for money, and I found it incredibly challenging and hard.
00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:38.640
I mean, I look back just thinking at the time I was all over it.
00:27:38.880 --> 00:28:14.480
But now, as a grown-up, I look back at the young 16-year-old me that's one year older than my daughter now, and I was, I just think, wow, but I was so fiercely independent, and I think I built up quite a tough outer shell and almost wore that independence as a badge of honor that how amazing I was, and didn't really trust people to look after me from my own experiences of perhaps not being looked after or having my needs neglected in some way.
00:28:14.720 --> 00:28:19.200
So yeah, that independence can come at a fierce cost.
00:28:19.279 --> 00:28:24.400
But I think along the way, we probably stop recognizing our own needs.
00:28:24.640 --> 00:28:25.279
Yeah.
00:28:25.680 --> 00:28:26.400
That armor.
00:28:26.720 --> 00:28:32.000
That's why I created the softening because we have this interior armor around us.
00:28:32.880 --> 00:28:39.200
Uh because we are the strong one, we can do everything, we don't need the help.
00:28:39.279 --> 00:28:41.599
But actually, humans need humans.
00:28:42.000 --> 00:28:43.920
Like we need each other.
00:28:44.319 --> 00:28:55.279
And I truly believe that if we soften just that little bit to allow ourselves to lean into each other to ask for that support.
00:28:55.359 --> 00:28:58.079
It doesn't make us weak, it actually makes us strong.
00:28:58.319 --> 00:29:00.480
It actually makes us even stronger.
00:29:00.720 --> 00:29:02.559
Or that journey has made you you.
00:29:02.640 --> 00:29:04.240
And look how amazing you are.
00:29:04.480 --> 00:29:13.759
So we go through these lives and we have this, you know, your path was that of incredible strength, incredible courage.
00:29:13.920 --> 00:29:19.119
I mean, I can't imagine our daughters moving out in one year's time, but you did that.
00:29:19.359 --> 00:29:28.400
And now you're you, an incredible mum with an incredible business, and you know, doing wonderful things in the world by sharing your story.
00:29:28.640 --> 00:29:36.000
So you have learned the art of softening to, you know, because it's extremely vulnerable what you're doing.
00:29:36.480 --> 00:29:36.880
Yeah.
00:29:37.200 --> 00:29:37.839
Thank you.
00:29:38.079 --> 00:29:38.799
Yeah, thank you.
00:29:39.440 --> 00:29:39.920
Beautiful.
00:29:40.319 --> 00:29:43.519
Just let that land for a minute without deflecting.
00:29:49.519 --> 00:29:51.279
But it's true, yeah.
00:29:51.440 --> 00:29:57.440
We are very much um our own worst enemies in some way.
00:29:58.240 --> 00:30:07.200
Which is why I think stories and connections like this is really important as women, because we do pride ourselves on doing it all.
00:30:07.279 --> 00:30:08.720
It's like, oh my God, look at her.
00:30:08.799 --> 00:30:10.880
She's just doing it all, she's amazing.
00:30:11.839 --> 00:30:17.039
How can she look that good when she's like going to the gym, she's working hard, and then she's doing this, doing that.
00:30:17.200 --> 00:30:17.680
Oh my god.
00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:24.000
So, you know, we kind of instead of there's nothing better than somebody saying, Are you okay?
00:30:24.160 --> 00:30:26.240
Just let's go and have a cup of tea.
00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:27.279
What do you need?
00:30:27.519 --> 00:30:29.440
Tell me what you need right now.
00:30:29.759 --> 00:30:34.480
I mean, isn't that just amazing hearing someone say that to you?
00:30:34.720 --> 00:30:34.960
Yeah.
00:30:35.200 --> 00:30:40.480
Gives me Yeah, we don't do it for each other often.
00:30:41.359 --> 00:30:45.119
And especially those that are, like you said, doing it all.
00:30:45.279 --> 00:30:46.319
They don't need any help.
00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:47.279
They've got it all together.
00:30:47.359 --> 00:30:47.839
They're fine.
00:30:48.079 --> 00:30:48.319
Yes.
00:30:48.480 --> 00:30:49.920
But the ones that need it.
00:30:50.079 --> 00:30:51.599
Yeah, the ones that need it the most.
00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:52.079
Yeah.
00:30:53.119 --> 00:30:54.640
The ones that have it together.
00:30:54.880 --> 00:30:55.279
Yeah.
00:30:55.519 --> 00:30:56.319
Yeah, exactly.
00:30:56.400 --> 00:30:58.640
It's all the masks that we wear.
00:30:58.799 --> 00:31:04.400
And it's allowing ourselves to feel safe enough to go, oh, I can I can land here.
00:31:04.559 --> 00:31:07.119
Like even you said before, just allowing that to land.
00:31:07.359 --> 00:31:08.559
Oh, yeah.
00:31:08.960 --> 00:31:16.640
Having those women need women and the connection of like she's got it all together, isn't that wonderful?
00:31:16.960 --> 00:31:24.720
But you know, rather than looking at it through the eyes of judgment and jealousy, look at it through curiosity and wonder.
00:31:24.880 --> 00:31:32.640
Like, wow, like really, maybe we can all learn from each other, support one, and be there for one another.
00:31:32.880 --> 00:31:34.559
I think we need that now.
00:31:34.880 --> 00:31:35.680
Me too.
00:31:35.839 --> 00:31:36.799
I love that.
00:31:37.359 --> 00:31:40.559
Nicola, we always hear the word survival mode.
00:31:40.720 --> 00:31:43.680
It seems to be part of our world right now.
00:31:43.920 --> 00:31:47.920
What does living in survival mode mean from your perspective?
00:31:48.640 --> 00:31:55.519
From my perspective, it's doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, surviving, surviving, getting through life in autopilot.
00:31:56.160 --> 00:31:58.079
I would think it's in autopilot.
00:31:58.400 --> 00:32:04.400
Where we're just existing, uh, just surviving and just treading water.
00:32:04.559 --> 00:32:05.920
So maybe like a duck.
00:32:06.079 --> 00:32:14.319
So on the surface, we look like we've got it all together, going to the gym, got a successful business, doing all of that, but we're literally just surviving.
00:32:14.480 --> 00:32:18.400
And that's okay, because it's a it's all part of the journey.
00:32:18.559 --> 00:32:25.279
But if we're in there for too long, it can really cause us long-term effects.
00:32:25.519 --> 00:32:38.960
We can get um illnesses, diseases in the body, we can create depression or anxiety or all these things come from just hoping.
00:32:39.119 --> 00:32:49.839
But what if we again soften just that little bit and have awareness to I didn't realize that I was living in survival, I was just doing, doing, doing, masking, masking.
00:32:49.920 --> 00:32:50.240
I'm fine.
00:32:50.400 --> 00:32:50.880
Yes, I'm fine.
00:32:51.920 --> 00:32:52.400
Great, great.
00:32:54.240 --> 00:32:55.279
I'm doing great.
00:32:55.440 --> 00:32:58.559
But inside, oh my gosh, I was numb actually.
00:32:58.960 --> 00:33:02.880
So to me, surviving my personal journey was numb.
00:33:03.279 --> 00:33:03.839
Yeah.
00:33:04.079 --> 00:33:06.880
I know you've worked with kinesiology before.
00:33:07.039 --> 00:33:20.079
I actually love kinesiology, and uh I went one of my girlfriends was studying, and I was fortunate enough to be one of her uh test people, and I opened to anything.
00:33:20.160 --> 00:33:22.559
This was years ago, and I'm like, yeah, okay, I'll give it a go.
00:33:22.720 --> 00:33:23.039
Great.
00:33:23.119 --> 00:33:31.440
Yeah, and then that's when it became clear to me that I was living in survival and completely I'm good.
00:33:31.599 --> 00:33:32.400
Yeah, I'm good.
00:33:32.640 --> 00:33:35.359
Numb to know what it felt like to be in my body.
00:33:35.440 --> 00:33:42.319
I had almost disassociated to self and was just wearing this earth suit, but there was nothing inside.
00:33:42.720 --> 00:33:45.279
Yeah, I can so relate to that.
00:33:45.759 --> 00:33:51.119
A complete disconnection is how I I believe the survival showed up within me personally.
00:33:51.519 --> 00:34:02.640
Yeah, and if I that just reminded me because when I got to therapy with my son and did all like two to three years of therapy, and it was hands down the best thing I ever did.
00:34:02.960 --> 00:34:05.039
And then I was like, Yeah, I've done it, like I'm amazing.
00:34:05.200 --> 00:34:07.839
Like tick that one, tick that, move on.
00:34:08.639 --> 00:34:12.400
And then it was like, why is this stuff keep coming up again a few years later?
00:34:12.639 --> 00:34:14.320
Because it's never done.
00:34:14.639 --> 00:34:21.679
And what I love, like I loved doing the talk therapy with the right person, that helped me at the time.
00:34:22.079 --> 00:34:27.280
But now, as I'm getting older, I'm really understanding that mind-body connection.
00:34:27.760 --> 00:34:31.679
So it's only so much we do share in therapy, right?
00:34:32.000 --> 00:34:35.360
There's we're not going to fully expose ourselves.
00:34:35.519 --> 00:34:38.159
And I think the rest does stay in the body.
00:34:38.239 --> 00:34:40.400
So talk to me about somatic work.
00:34:41.119 --> 00:34:47.920
How, like for people that don't understand it or dismiss it as woo-woo, how you're a counsellor and you're a somatic practitioner.
00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:49.840
So, how do you combine the two?
00:34:50.079 --> 00:34:50.480
Yeah.
00:34:50.719 --> 00:34:53.280
I I believe it's the bottom-up approach.
00:34:53.519 --> 00:34:55.280
So somatic is the bottom-up.
00:34:55.440 --> 00:35:02.480
We live so much in the minds, and there's like you said, there's only so much talk therapy can do, and it's what are we feeling?
00:35:02.639 --> 00:35:04.559
That's where everything lives.
00:35:04.639 --> 00:35:21.599
So feeling and not trying to fix it, just being with the sensations, because when we can create that safety within ourselves with just being with what is, and I I really like to use the metaphor of the bear hunt.
00:35:21.760 --> 00:35:25.679
So you can't, I don't know if you've heard of the book, you know, we're going on a bear hunt.
00:35:25.760 --> 00:35:27.760
You can't go over it, you can't go under it.
00:35:27.840 --> 00:35:29.760
You literally have to just go through it.
00:35:29.920 --> 00:35:34.480
So, with the somatic, is just noticing what it feels like to be in your body.
00:35:34.719 --> 00:35:38.079
When somebody's really numb, that can be really hard.
00:35:38.239 --> 00:35:42.079
So just noticing even your breath, that's something that we always have.
00:35:42.239 --> 00:35:44.079
So I love to work with the body.
00:35:44.239 --> 00:35:46.800
We hold a lot of tension, a lot of emotion in the body.
00:35:46.880 --> 00:35:51.760
But if we just move it with our breath and just be with it, little micro moments.
00:35:51.840 --> 00:35:53.440
This could be huge for some people.
00:35:53.519 --> 00:35:55.760
So you just have to sit with what is.
00:35:56.159 --> 00:36:11.920
And so for me, out of the mind, into the body, really connecting with sensations, noticing them, being with them, moving through them is a really powerful way of just reconnecting, just to defrost a part of yourself.
00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:13.039
And it isn't easy.
00:36:13.119 --> 00:36:21.679
And I remember the very first time that I got into my body, into when I was learning all about somatics, I did want to run away.
00:36:21.760 --> 00:36:26.639
And there was people in my training who actually did have to leave and did have to run away.
00:36:26.719 --> 00:36:42.000
And it is so important that you have a practitioner that helps you at the pace that you need and to be with what is in front of us and to be held in whatever shows up and having that again, self-awareness.
00:36:42.239 --> 00:36:45.360
Only they, the person, can feel what feels safe.
00:36:45.599 --> 00:36:48.960
As a practitioner, I don't know what feels safe in their body.
00:36:49.119 --> 00:36:59.840
So it's so important that we're attuned with what the person is needing and recognizing within themselves what are they needing to orientate if I'm feeling unsafe?
00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:01.119
Can you look around?
00:37:01.360 --> 00:37:04.880
What are you needing right now to feel that safety again?
00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:06.960
To come back into the room.
00:37:07.199 --> 00:37:09.039
Are you needing to hear sound?
00:37:09.280 --> 00:37:09.679
Yeah.
00:37:09.840 --> 00:37:23.679
So I also believe that there's things that we need, which are touch and that self-touch, just whatever form it can be with a person, your child, your dog, your animal, feeling that sense of touch.
00:37:23.840 --> 00:37:35.599
Sound is really important, whether it means you do a vibrational harm, whether you put on some music, uh, movements, really powerful, somatically moving things out of your body.
00:37:35.760 --> 00:37:39.679
What if you let your body just move with the sensation that you're feeling?
00:37:39.920 --> 00:37:40.719
There's four of them.
00:37:40.800 --> 00:37:41.519
There's sound.
00:37:41.679 --> 00:37:43.840
I think I I learned this from somebody else.
00:37:43.920 --> 00:37:46.559
I heard it and I was like, oh my gosh, that is so the medicine.
00:37:46.639 --> 00:37:55.280
It may have been a conversation that you had, but I believe that there is those four things: sound, touch, uh, breath, and movement.
00:37:55.679 --> 00:37:56.000
Yeah.
00:37:56.159 --> 00:37:57.119
It's feel, yeah.
00:37:57.280 --> 00:37:58.000
Sound, breath.
00:37:58.320 --> 00:37:58.559
Yeah.
00:37:58.800 --> 00:37:59.039
Yeah.
00:37:59.119 --> 00:38:00.639
It's all it's so true.
00:38:00.800 --> 00:38:08.639
And since I started learning about the nervous system as well, and just even doing things like just like rubbing your hands together.
00:38:08.800 --> 00:38:17.760
I remember I listened to a meditation of just actually taking the time to rub your hands together, like you're washing your hands with soap, but you're not.
00:38:17.840 --> 00:38:20.320
You're just doing little things like that.
00:38:20.480 --> 00:38:23.840
It's like, whoa, that is powerful stuff.
00:38:24.000 --> 00:38:25.840
So simple.
00:38:26.239 --> 00:38:26.960
So simple.
00:38:27.039 --> 00:38:31.440
And the brain doesn't know who's touching it, but it's feeling that safety.
00:38:31.519 --> 00:38:37.199
It doesn't matter whose hands there are, but the brain is recognizing, okay, I'm safe now.
00:38:37.519 --> 00:38:47.840
Yeah, it's creating those little micro moments of receiving and allowing the body to slowly receive safety and find that anchoring safety again.
00:38:49.360 --> 00:38:50.400
Yeah, I love that.
00:38:50.559 --> 00:38:53.360
And and like you said, breath is a really powerful way.
00:38:53.440 --> 00:39:08.639
And also when you do a body scan and you I know for me, whenever I hear a meditation tutorial that I'm listening to, and they say and release a jaw, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like I don't realize how much I clench my jaw.
00:39:08.880 --> 00:39:13.360
Because then when you actually release it and let go, you really notice the difference.
00:39:13.840 --> 00:39:14.960
So true.
00:39:16.639 --> 00:39:21.840
So there are so many people, particularly women, who say, But I love giving.
00:39:22.159 --> 00:39:24.639
And I know there's nothing wrong with that.
00:39:24.880 --> 00:39:38.320
But how do we recognize when giving is coming from a healthy place versus giving because being needed has become part of our identity or self-worth?
00:39:38.960 --> 00:39:45.280
So interesting you say that, because that is something that I have struggled with.
00:39:45.679 --> 00:39:52.079
The need to be needed is definitely something that I didn't recognize that I had as well.
00:39:52.239 --> 00:39:59.679
And in my children, uh again, not um they're our teachers, right?
00:39:59.920 --> 00:40:03.760
And we can recognize how I needed to be needed.
00:40:04.079 --> 00:40:15.199
So for me to feel safe, loved, whatever programs I had within that by giving made me feel loved.
00:40:15.440 --> 00:40:23.440
But yeah, I wasn't able to um distinguish the difference between those two things.
00:40:23.519 --> 00:40:24.960
And I had to really work with that.
00:40:25.039 --> 00:40:31.599
And even working with clients, I've had to work with allowing them to come to continue to come to me.
00:40:31.760 --> 00:40:36.880
It's a really interesting concept of like, hang on a minute.
00:40:37.199 --> 00:40:41.840
Oh, ooh, it's something I continue to work with that need.
00:40:42.400 --> 00:41:03.039
So fully giving all the time and being needed and allowing them to spread their wings and fly in many uh ways is what I had to do with my children, but not releasing in my clients, I want to cut their wings, off you go, but not really realizing we actually all they still need the work.
00:41:03.519 --> 00:41:05.679
Yeah, we're always unfolding.
00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:14.239
And it's okay for me to be needed in the it's okay for me to be the lighthouse without them needing for me to drive it.
00:41:14.480 --> 00:41:23.039
I can be that piller, and I guess it's recognizing within ourselves our own reaction to things.
00:41:23.280 --> 00:41:25.519
Is this me or is this them?
00:41:26.000 --> 00:41:29.679
Is this me needing this or is this them needing this?
00:41:29.840 --> 00:41:32.480
So again, that comes to our awareness.
00:41:32.639 --> 00:41:34.400
What am I feeling when I'm giving?
00:41:34.559 --> 00:41:40.719
Am I giving this because I need this or am I giving it because they need this?
00:41:40.880 --> 00:41:44.559
And can I allow myself to receive as well from that?
00:41:44.719 --> 00:41:48.559
If they say no, can I be okay with the no?
00:41:49.920 --> 00:41:51.440
Yeah, I love that.
00:41:51.599 --> 00:41:57.760
And you and you and I talk about self-awareness, like it's it's like it's second nature, right?
00:41:58.079 --> 00:42:04.719
But for some people, it's it's hard to go there and even question themselves in that way.
00:42:04.880 --> 00:42:14.880
So, how for people listening where this is foreign talk, what would be a couple of small steps to change to help them on their journey?
00:42:15.119 --> 00:42:17.679
I guess just to recognize themselves.
00:42:17.920 --> 00:42:19.519
Like, what's coming up for you?
00:42:19.679 --> 00:42:21.760
What are you feeling inside?
00:42:21.920 --> 00:42:28.480
Like, I know again, this can be foreign because I've been those people at the beginning of the journey.
00:42:28.639 --> 00:42:33.840
So just taking those micro moments to recognize yourself.
00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:35.360
Like, what am I feeling?
00:42:35.440 --> 00:42:38.239
Like, I quite often, it's a daily task of mine.
00:42:38.400 --> 00:42:40.000
What am I needing right now?
00:42:40.320 --> 00:42:44.480
Am I needing just to be by myself for a moment?
00:42:44.639 --> 00:42:46.639
Am I coffee?
00:42:46.880 --> 00:42:48.559
Am I needing to call a friend?
00:42:48.880 --> 00:42:50.400
Am I needing to put on some music?
00:42:50.480 --> 00:42:53.199
Like, start with curiosity with self, I think.
00:42:53.360 --> 00:42:56.880
The whole thing is really getting curious with yourself.
00:42:57.039 --> 00:43:03.519
So coming back to yeah, recognizing I love giving, like you said, it feels really nice.
00:43:03.679 --> 00:43:06.239
But what am I what am I getting out of this?
00:43:06.400 --> 00:43:08.079
What's the payoff of this?
00:43:08.400 --> 00:43:16.719
So when someone's first starting out, I guess, like we said, we live with curiosity ourselves, and how do they begin this journey of awareness?
00:43:17.039 --> 00:43:23.760
I'd start with just getting curious with even in the morning when I wake up, getting curious with myself or themselves.
00:43:23.840 --> 00:43:25.679
Like, what are they needing right now?
00:43:26.239 --> 00:43:29.119
What if they don't know what they're needing?
00:43:29.199 --> 00:43:30.639
And that's okay too.
00:43:30.960 --> 00:43:34.880
To get in you with the curiosity without an outcome.
00:43:35.039 --> 00:43:36.880
Just see what comes up.
00:43:37.360 --> 00:43:50.880
And I especially like doing that type of work when I'm, you know, fired up or I'm reactive and something's going on because it's just so easy to blame the other person when you're in a rage, right?
00:43:51.199 --> 00:43:55.280
It's just so easy just to flick it over to someone else.
00:43:55.440 --> 00:43:59.360
But that's when I realize how frustrated I'm getting with something.
00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:01.599
I'm like, okay, back it up.
00:44:01.840 --> 00:44:03.360
What's really going on here?
00:44:03.519 --> 00:44:05.519
What's going on with me?
00:44:05.679 --> 00:44:07.199
What's my part in this?
00:44:07.440 --> 00:44:07.599
Yeah.
00:44:07.760 --> 00:44:11.360
It's so easy to blame them for what's going on, but what's happening here with me?
00:44:11.519 --> 00:44:12.719
And it's really interesting.
00:44:12.800 --> 00:44:16.159
And most of the time I don't like it because it's confronting.
00:44:16.400 --> 00:44:16.480
Yeah.
00:44:16.719 --> 00:44:19.760
And I can see that I'm playing a part in it as well.
00:44:20.639 --> 00:44:20.960
100%.
00:44:21.440 --> 00:44:23.679
But that's standing back in your power, right?
00:44:24.239 --> 00:44:31.360
So that's recognizing, okay, because we're the victims when we're blaming, but when we come back into our power.
00:44:31.440 --> 00:44:32.800
So my mum taught me this.
00:44:32.960 --> 00:44:38.480
This isn't through my counseling, but like your fingers, one finger out, three fingers back.
00:44:38.639 --> 00:44:39.920
Where's my part in this?
00:44:40.079 --> 00:44:41.199
Like you said before.
00:44:41.440 --> 00:44:43.840
Yes, I'm feeling angry, but why?
00:44:44.000 --> 00:44:45.360
What's happening within me?
00:44:45.440 --> 00:44:50.239
Because now that anger lives within me, and my body gets even more dysregulated.
00:44:50.400 --> 00:44:53.119
I'm reactive, I'm suffering.
00:44:53.440 --> 00:44:58.480
And I may walk away from the argument that lives in my body, not them.
00:44:58.559 --> 00:45:01.440
They've walked away thinking nothing's happened, they're all good.
00:45:01.599 --> 00:45:04.800
And that anger and that resentment lives in me then.
00:45:05.119 --> 00:45:09.679
And then how can I release how can I release that from my body?
00:45:10.079 --> 00:45:13.599
So and your mom sounds really cool.
00:45:17.360 --> 00:45:18.880
She is pretty cool.
00:45:19.039 --> 00:45:20.639
Yeah, it's interesting.
00:45:21.280 --> 00:45:22.480
Yeah, I love that.
00:45:22.559 --> 00:45:24.400
The fingers three back at you.
00:45:24.480 --> 00:45:24.800
Yeah.
00:45:24.960 --> 00:45:25.199
Yeah.
00:45:25.679 --> 00:45:27.039
And so I'm very conscious.
00:45:27.199 --> 00:45:35.199
So that, you know, if that helps anybody to fingers up, okay, where am I with my part in this?
00:45:35.280 --> 00:45:38.480
And when we take part, we're actually then in the power seat.
00:45:38.719 --> 00:45:40.480
We're then standing back in our power.
00:45:40.559 --> 00:45:43.679
Then we have the moment to like stimulus response.
00:45:43.840 --> 00:45:45.920
There's a moment in between that's the pause.
00:45:46.159 --> 00:45:54.400
But if we then pause, notice what can we do to be back into our center, into our power, then we get to choose.
00:45:54.639 --> 00:45:59.440
So it's noticing, pausing, recognizing, and then reacting.
00:45:59.840 --> 00:46:06.159
And especially with the people pleasers out there, and I know I'm one of them, and I think a lot of my friends are as well.
00:46:06.239 --> 00:46:08.079
I think you like attracts like, right?
00:46:08.239 --> 00:46:09.199
Yeah, absolutely.
00:46:09.599 --> 00:46:32.079
But you uh sometimes you can get really frustrated because you've pleased people so much, and then even though you don't think you're putting an expectation on pleasing people, there's a part of it that can build into resentment because you're pissed off that you're not getting back what you've put out or not acknowledged, you know.
00:46:32.400 --> 00:46:42.000
So sometimes I think the people pleasing can be a little bit um perhaps manipulative or about control as well.
00:46:42.480 --> 00:46:43.119
Yeah.
00:46:43.440 --> 00:46:47.039
But if you're protecting yourself, right?
00:46:47.199 --> 00:46:49.840
How can someone really give to you anyway?
00:46:50.719 --> 00:46:57.760
Because you've put the armor up, but haven't created space for them to even give that to you.
00:47:01.599 --> 00:47:03.440
Just let that one sit for a minute.
00:47:04.880 --> 00:47:05.519
Yeah.
00:47:06.719 --> 00:47:11.760
So what does a healthy balance between giving and receiving feel like?
00:47:12.159 --> 00:47:13.039
Centered.
00:47:16.079 --> 00:47:23.599
Whatever normal is for you, it just feels balanced, equilibrium in the body.
00:47:23.679 --> 00:47:27.519
It feels it just feels right.
00:47:30.719 --> 00:47:36.639
It doesn't feel like you're needing anything, just it just feels right.
00:47:37.840 --> 00:47:45.280
So something we talk about a lot on inside out connections is listening to what the body is trying to communicate.
00:47:45.679 --> 00:47:51.119
So what might receiving feel like in the body when it doesn't yet feel safe?
00:47:51.920 --> 00:47:53.599
Oh, okay, yeah.
00:47:53.760 --> 00:48:05.360
Well, everybody may react differently to that, but it's a like a block, like a big ugly sense of almost tight.
00:48:05.519 --> 00:48:26.320
It might feel tight in your body, it might feel like you can't breathe, it might feel like unsafe for people, it might it might feel different to everybody, it might feel relief for some people, it might feel shock for some people because they would never have been able to receive before.
00:48:26.480 --> 00:48:28.880
And it's letting yourself pause in that moment.
00:48:29.039 --> 00:48:30.480
So that's the stimulus, right?
00:48:30.639 --> 00:48:32.880
That's the somebody going to give something to you.
00:48:32.960 --> 00:48:40.079
And in that moment, can you then just recognize the sensation that's showing up in your body in whatever form that is for you?
00:48:40.320 --> 00:48:58.079
And just being with that for a moment, observing it for a moment in however capacity it is in your body, opening yourself up to allowing the capacity to receive and then accepting it, but allowing yourself to just be okay.
00:48:58.239 --> 00:49:05.440
I am safe, reminding yourself I'm safe to receive, even if it's not exactly the way that I want it to be.
00:49:05.599 --> 00:49:08.079
Can I allow myself to receive this?
00:49:08.159 --> 00:49:11.599
And then the shoulders drop, the body centers again.
00:49:11.760 --> 00:49:15.920
You've allowed space in your body to then receive.
00:49:17.599 --> 00:49:26.000
How important is the somatic influence in conjunction with doing therapy, would you say?
00:49:26.320 --> 00:49:30.719
Personally, I think it is like really, really important to me.
00:49:30.880 --> 00:49:36.960
It's like that's why I feel under my own umbrella.
00:49:37.119 --> 00:49:39.519
I I feel like I couldn't just be a counselor.
00:49:39.920 --> 00:49:47.360
I felt for myself for what I needed was a little bit of everything and a little bit of the things that worked for me.
00:49:47.519 --> 00:49:57.440
So for me, somatic is connecting with your nervous system, connecting with your body, connecting with your thoughts, create your emotions.
00:49:57.599 --> 00:50:01.280
Your emotions create your action, and your action creates your reality.
00:50:01.519 --> 00:50:06.559
So for me, it's all of those things mind, body, and soul.
00:50:06.800 --> 00:50:12.639
So I believe it's really important to connect back to yourself out of the mind into your heart.
00:50:13.280 --> 00:50:16.320
And then what I'm getting is expression as well.
00:50:16.719 --> 00:50:24.480
Being able to express that through, I had a visual of like you, you were doing the swaying before and the movement, right?
00:50:24.559 --> 00:50:29.519
Like we're just releasing the energy that's stored in there or the feelings that are stored.
00:50:29.599 --> 00:50:42.480
It's not because often we're freeze and we're rigid when we're scared or don't want to speak or feel trapped, but it's being able to to release that in a safe way, right?
00:50:42.800 --> 00:50:43.840
It's so true.
00:50:43.920 --> 00:50:44.320
It is.
00:50:44.480 --> 00:51:00.079
It's it's releasing it from in the body through somatic, through movement, through any way that feels like you've you're freeing up capacity in the body, you're freeing up space, you're allowing it to release in some ways, yeah.
00:51:00.400 --> 00:51:08.320
To allow yourself to receive, move through things, more space.
00:51:09.119 --> 00:51:10.239
I love that.
00:51:12.159 --> 00:51:37.039
So, what becomes possible in our lives, Nicola, and relationships when we finally feel safe enough to receive that joy, play, bliss, peace, acceptance, love is just at the center of it, right?
00:51:37.440 --> 00:51:38.000
Yeah.
00:51:39.199 --> 00:51:41.760
Love for ourselves and for everyone else.
00:51:42.159 --> 00:51:42.559
Mm-hmm.
00:51:42.880 --> 00:51:44.159
It's so beautiful.
00:51:45.679 --> 00:51:47.840
And again, it's not really difficult though, is it?
00:51:48.000 --> 00:51:55.119
That it's not really that's why your voice is so powerful and the people that you speak to and the things that you're sharing.
00:51:55.440 --> 00:52:04.639
You're helping people learn how with different ways and different places to come back to different practices.
00:52:04.880 --> 00:52:09.679
And teach and teaching our kids that there's a lot happening in the news at the moment.
00:52:09.840 --> 00:52:27.360
I don't know if you've been watching what's happening in Sydney, but lots of things have been coming up and unsavory behavior from school-aged children and and things going on, and and I, you know, one thing that got me, I've always taught my kids kindness.
00:52:27.840 --> 00:52:35.519
And I know that some people might look as kindness as a form of weakness, perhaps, or vulnerability.
00:52:35.679 --> 00:52:41.039
Don't show yourself to be too kind, be tough, you get more respect, uh, whatever language that would be.
00:52:41.119 --> 00:52:47.199
And I remember my son was playing sport against another school when he was very little, he would have been year three.
00:52:47.599 --> 00:53:06.559
And I remember overhearing a father say something along the lines of if you let those effing little such and such school um effing Fs, I don't even want to say the word, um, beat you, then don't bother effing coming home.
00:53:06.639 --> 00:53:10.159
And I remember hearing the father speak to his son like that.
00:53:10.400 --> 00:53:11.760
And I know that's rife.
00:53:11.840 --> 00:53:15.119
And I find it hard to believe because I'm not that type of parent.
00:53:15.360 --> 00:53:15.599
Yeah.
00:53:15.840 --> 00:53:23.519
And it really saddens me when you're doing you and I and certain parents and people in the world where we're trying to raise good people.
00:53:23.920 --> 00:53:24.559
Yeah.
00:53:25.119 --> 00:53:29.599
And then you witness things like this and and see this type of behavior.
00:53:29.760 --> 00:53:35.519
It's very hard collectively to make a change when there's so much resistance.
00:53:35.679 --> 00:53:37.840
How how would you speak to that?
00:53:38.719 --> 00:53:44.079
It I believe it all starts with us and not to live in fear.
00:53:44.320 --> 00:53:48.239
The more we model that, that's actually such a beautiful.
00:53:49.199 --> 00:53:54.000
Don't change those things about yourself just because others are doing it.
00:53:54.159 --> 00:53:57.360
Just step into the kindness that you are.
00:53:57.519 --> 00:54:02.400
So for me, the more we understand why is that father doing that in the first place?
00:54:02.559 --> 00:54:04.159
Why does he think that that's okay?
00:54:04.320 --> 00:54:09.840
What's happened in his life to make him think that he needs to behave like that at a child sport?
00:54:10.480 --> 00:54:16.559
So when we have deeper understanding for ourselves, we then have deeper understanding for each other.
00:54:16.800 --> 00:54:21.440
When we have understanding for each other, then we have more kindness and more compassion.
00:54:21.679 --> 00:54:30.800
So again, all we can do is come back to being the best version of ourselves and hope that influences those around us to be more kind.
00:54:31.119 --> 00:54:34.079
Kind we never know what each other are going through.
00:54:34.239 --> 00:54:53.599
So if we can just show up and continue to be those people that are the kind ones and it ripples one person, and look, don't quote me on this one, but I believe that one person has the ability to affect 90,000 people, and that's from the book Power versus Force from I think it's Nigel Hawkins.
00:54:53.679 --> 00:54:55.280
I think, don't quote me on that.
00:54:55.360 --> 00:55:09.599
But and so if we really believe that if one person has that ability, just continue to be that person, continue to be kind, continue to hope that your children will then embody that as well.
00:55:09.679 --> 00:55:12.079
And then there's more people showing that compassion.
00:55:12.239 --> 00:55:14.480
Why is that child those?
00:55:14.559 --> 00:55:19.199
I I don't live in Sydney, so but I have heard about the things that are going on.
00:55:19.280 --> 00:55:22.159
So just being mindful to continue to be you.
00:55:23.280 --> 00:55:25.440
Man in starts with the man in the mirror.
00:55:25.599 --> 00:55:27.280
How do you make the world a better place?
00:55:27.440 --> 00:55:30.639
By you being that better version of you every day.
00:55:30.960 --> 00:55:35.039
Ah, that's a wonderful way to wrap up, Nicola.
00:55:35.519 --> 00:55:39.760
But before we do, I like to always offer a moment of reconnection.
00:55:39.920 --> 00:55:42.800
What does your body taught you about yourself?
00:55:43.840 --> 00:55:48.400
Oh, my body has taught me to slow down.
00:55:49.519 --> 00:55:51.280
It's taught me to slow down.
00:55:51.440 --> 00:56:03.360
It's taught me to just simply use my breath, my my heart to slow down and come home, to come to get curious.
00:56:03.519 --> 00:56:04.239
Where have you been?
00:56:04.639 --> 00:56:05.199
Come back.
00:56:05.360 --> 00:56:06.159
I'm here.
00:56:06.559 --> 00:56:07.199
Yeah.
00:56:07.440 --> 00:56:08.559
Oh, I love that.
00:56:08.880 --> 00:56:09.760
I feel that.
00:56:10.960 --> 00:56:13.280
What are you learning to let go of right now?
00:56:14.880 --> 00:56:16.800
Probably judgment of self.
00:56:17.440 --> 00:56:17.760
Yeah.
00:56:18.639 --> 00:56:20.559
Not good enough stories.
00:56:20.960 --> 00:56:22.480
Yeah, I've got those too.
00:56:22.719 --> 00:56:23.039
Yeah.
00:56:24.239 --> 00:56:25.760
Maybe we could start a challenge.
00:56:25.840 --> 00:56:27.840
Didn't you do a challenge on something?
00:56:29.920 --> 00:56:32.320
We'll get rewind and do it again.
00:56:34.639 --> 00:56:38.559
What are your go-to rituals that bring you back to yourself?
00:56:38.880 --> 00:56:40.000
Yin yoga.
00:56:40.320 --> 00:56:41.519
I love yin yoga.
00:56:42.400 --> 00:56:52.079
Um, but just in without having to do that, my rituals are really like I said, daily, placing my hand on my heart.
00:56:52.159 --> 00:56:54.000
What am I needing today?
00:56:54.480 --> 00:56:55.519
Really simple.
00:56:55.679 --> 00:57:01.679
I find myself personally when I create too much to I I don't follow through.
00:57:01.840 --> 00:57:02.800
I get distracted.
00:57:02.960 --> 00:57:04.079
Something will take me away.
00:57:04.159 --> 00:57:06.480
So I keep my rituals really simple.
00:57:06.719 --> 00:57:08.239
What am I needing today?
00:57:08.559 --> 00:57:10.880
And then taking it for myself throughout the day.
00:57:10.960 --> 00:57:11.840
That's that's it.
00:57:12.079 --> 00:57:13.440
Very, very simple.
00:57:13.920 --> 00:57:17.119
I love that because there's so much power in that simplicity.
00:57:17.280 --> 00:57:24.639
Because if we have a list a mile long of daily rituals, like whether it be yoga, breath work, meditation, this, that, right.
00:57:24.800 --> 00:57:33.599
But the one thing that you can commit to is putting your hand on your heart, your hand on your belly, closing your eyes and taking a big breath and asking yourself what you need.
00:57:33.679 --> 00:57:36.320
That is doable and very powerful.
00:57:37.599 --> 00:57:38.159
Yeah.
00:57:38.880 --> 00:57:40.079
That's all I do.
00:57:40.880 --> 00:57:41.760
Love it.
00:57:42.239 --> 00:57:44.880
So I've loved having you on the podcast today.
00:57:44.960 --> 00:57:47.199
Thank you for coming on and being a guest.
00:57:47.599 --> 00:57:48.239
Thank you.
00:57:48.480 --> 00:57:53.920
Maybe the little reminder from today's conversation is simply to notice how you receive.
00:57:54.079 --> 00:58:02.000
And the next time someone offers you help, a compliment, or kindness, pause before brushing it away.
00:58:02.239 --> 00:58:06.239
Sometimes receiving can be as simple as letting it land.
00:58:07.039 --> 00:58:09.360
Nicola, thank you so much for joining me.
00:58:09.599 --> 00:58:12.320
Where can people find you and follow your work?
00:58:12.880 --> 00:58:15.679
So I'm Nicola Miles Wellness.
00:58:15.920 --> 00:58:18.559
I am online and also in Adelaide.
00:58:19.199 --> 00:58:23.039
And I'm on Instagram, and that's it.
00:58:23.599 --> 00:58:24.960
Nicola Miles Wellness.
00:58:25.280 --> 00:58:25.679
Yeah.
00:58:26.079 --> 00:58:26.639
Thank you.
00:58:27.119 --> 00:58:27.599
Thank you.
00:58:27.760 --> 00:58:29.199
Thank you for having me.
00:58:29.519 --> 00:58:30.880
It's been so fun.
00:58:31.199 --> 00:58:32.480
You've loved it.
00:58:36.400 --> 00:58:39.440
Thank you for listening to Inside Out Connections.
00:58:39.599 --> 00:58:41.920
I hope today's conversation resonated.
00:58:42.079 --> 00:58:46.880
If you enjoyed this episode, please follow the podcast, leave a review, or share it.
00:58:47.039 --> 00:58:50.400
It really does help these conversations reach more people.
00:58:50.719 --> 00:59:00.239
Follow me on Instagram at Inside OutConnections for more from the podcast and conversations around well being, connection, and everyday life.
00:59:00.480 --> 00:59:03.360
Until the next time, take care of yourself.