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Welcome to the Inside Out Podcast.
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I'm your host, Jojo, and this is where we will navigate the mess together.
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That is mental, emotional, and spiritual.
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Let's get into it.
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So I recorded the relationship ruiner episode, and in that episode, I talked about what the four relationship ruiners are.
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I talked about blame, reliance, projection, and expectation.
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And I gave you guys homework to pick one pattern and track it this week.
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And I was between two.
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I was between projection and expectation, and I ended up choosing projection.
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So I hit stop on the recording, and literally within minutes, something happened.
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What happened next, you might ask?
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Well, it was literally like the universe was like, oh, you you want to track projection?
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So, okay, we're gonna give you a live demonstration.
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Better practice what you preach.
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We are gonna do something a little bit different today.
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And basically, I'm gonna give you a real-time live update on what happened and what actually unfolded.
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And then I'm going to play you my first ever episode called Roots Before Romance, because after that happened, I realized these two episodes are actually telling the same story.
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Okay, so here's what happened.
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This is wildly embarrassing, but we're gonna we're gonna get real.
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So I was texting back and forth with someone, and the conversation was a little bit tricky to navigate just through messaging.
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And I was like, you know what, I don't really want to like talk about this anymore.
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And it ended up turning into a phone call.
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And basically what happened on the phone was I completely misunderstood where this person was at, and what they were telling me was really not what I was hearing.
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I basically, to not get into like the specifics to protect this person's privacy and all of the things, I basically didn't feel like I was wanted, being thought about, uh, really cared about in a lot of ways, and that something that I had posed to this person was more or less kind of ignored.
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And when we got on the phone, what I realized is that couldn't be further from the case.
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This person was just busy.
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They were occupied with something else.
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And what I know from this person is that they're A, not a big texter, and B not someone who's just gonna like send their response to respond.
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And history has therefore shown this, but I was projecting.
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I was looking at this interaction and this human through the lens of my past.
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I was taking everything that I had been through in my hurt past, what other people had done to me, what other people had said to me, how other people had treated similar situations, and was like, nope, I'm gonna look at you right now through this lens of what I've been through.
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And you know what was even crazier?
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They caught me in the act of doing that.
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In the moment, right then and there, and literally called me out.
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Did I mention this was minutes after I recorded the episode?
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Like, hello, thank you, universe, for this beautiful unfoldment and crazy, ironic situation.
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So they call me out, and I stopped and I was like, wow, you're so right.
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And what's even crazier is not only did they call me out, but they said three words that were probably the most healing things I've ever heard.
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Because all I wanted to do in that moment was shut down, run away, and hide, protect myself.
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I wasn't feeling wanted, okay, I wasn't gonna be wanted.
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I'm gonna leave, I'm not gonna keep being there, not being wanted, right?
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The little girl inside me wanted to just like disappear.
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And I tried.
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I tried on the text message, being like, I just don't want to talk about this anymore.
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And then I also tried on the phone when I said, you know, it's not a big deal, like, never mind, forget about it.
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And they literally were like, no, no, no.
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And the three words that followed were so powerful.
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And those three words were talk to me.
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And when this person said those three words, I started crying because it was the first time in any type of relationship where I had felt like I had wanted to run away, forget everything, vanish.
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And that person had seen that and been like, no, I want to understand where this is coming from and why you're viewing me this way.
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And then let's dial it back and change this.
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And I was doing everything, I was projecting everything onto this person that had no bearings, that had it like was so irrational.
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But this person tried to understand why, where it had come from, why my response was this way.
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And after really opening it up and being vulnerable and real and realizing what I was doing in real time in the moment, not like walking away and being like, okay, calming down.
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No, no, no.
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Exposed, completely vulnerable and out there for this person to see everything, realizing what I had just been doing.
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So that's the key here, catching it.
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That's the whole thing.
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But if I hadn't caught myself, if I hadn't been even aware of this pattern or even having it on my mind, and mind you, minutes before, I probably would have continued to run, continue to respond from the wounded place rather than stay on the phone, continue to have the conversation, and get real.
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I would have created distance where there didn't need to be any.
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And I would have essentially made this person pay for the wounds that they didn't cause.
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And that, like staying in that, that's where the work is.
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It's not about being perfect, it's not about having the projection not come up.
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It's about catching it.
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It's about being aware enough to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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Is this like real?
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Are they actually not wanting me there?
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Or is it just my wound?
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Is it just my stuff?
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So when I named it out loud, it completely took away its power.
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When I was honest and real with this person and said, This is why I'm doing this, it made it so insignificant in a way.
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And that projection couldn't control me anymore because I started to see it for what it really was.
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Now here's why I'm telling you the story.
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What happened on that phone call is exactly what I talk about in my first episode.
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First ever episode of this podcast that started everything called Roots Before Romance.
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And in that episode, I talked about planting seeds, about how relationships aren't built overnight, about how you can't just meet someone and expect a castle to appear.
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You have to build a foundation.
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And projection, the one I chose this week, projection is what happens when you skip the foundation.
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It's what happens when you see someone through the filter of your past instead of seeing them for who they actually are.
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When you water the seed too much, pull apart all the petals, and hover over that plan instead of just letting it grow, that's where everything falls apart.
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So after that phone call, I thought, you know what?
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I think people need to hear this first episode again.
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Because it's all connected.
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The relationship ruiners, blame, reliance, projection, expectation, they all come from the same place.
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They come from not doing the inner work.
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And they come from basically trying to build a castle on a plot of land that has no foundation.
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So Roots Before Romance is about building that foundation.
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Here's what I'm gonna do.
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I'm gonna play you that first episode right now.
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My very, very first episode.
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And like I said, it's the one that started this whole journey.
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I want you to listen to it with the understanding of what you know now.
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Listen to it through the lens of the four relationship ruiners.
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And if you chose the same one that I did, listen to it through the lens of projection.
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So when we come back, we will break it down mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
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But without further ado, here it is, the first episode of Inside Out.
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This week I wanted to talk about relationships.
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I think it's one of the most discussed topics in the podcasting space and probably just in everyday life.
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But I wanted to approach this a little differently, and I wanted to actually talk about the start of a relationship or when you meet someone that you're interested in, or even just how a healthy foundation is built.
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I think the modern dating world is really a little bit of a mind warp, if you will, because we have all of the accessibility of dating apps and people's pictures and Google.
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I think it's very rare that people meet in the wild anymore.
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I mean, it definitely happens, don't get me wrong.
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But even so, you can still go home and search their social medias or look them up.
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And there's something that I wanted to like dive into there because that's such a trap sometimes, because then we can see someone, we can be attracted to them, and then all of a sudden we're like running with a narrative of what their life looks like and what they do and how that fits in before you've even established any sort of foundation with them, or even maybe even had a conversation or built any connection, or and right now it's just attraction and this crazy narrative that we're running away with.
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I've definitely been guilty of this, and I for sure know that my friends have through conversations I've had with them, that we'll meet someone, right?
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And you're attracted to them.
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Maybe you have a conversation, maybe you've met on a dating app, maybe you've met at a bar, maybe you've met somewhere out in the wilds, like Whole Foods.
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Just throwing out options here.
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And there's an attraction, right?
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And then maybe you get their name or their social media, and then you look them up, and you're like, oh, okay.
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And then you start potentially running with this narrative of like what they do and like making up maybe a story of like what their life looks like.
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Now, this is where a lot of people get stuck.
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And I I see this happen a lot with girlfriends, and I've definitely fallen into this trap where before you even get to know the person and have any sort of idea of who they are, you're creating a fairy tale in your head.
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And I know we don't like to look at this.
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I know that this is like, oh dang, I actually do that.
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Yep.
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Mm-hmm.
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Yes, Jojo, I definitely do this.
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We all do it, and that's fine.
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But this is why we get hurt because we make up an entire story in our head before we have any clue who this person is.
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And specifically Matthew Hussey, he has this book called Love Life, and he talks about the four C's and it's chemistry, connection, compatibility, commitment.
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Now, you can meet someone and be attracted to them and then be like, oh, we have chemistry, we really get along.
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And then you can be like, are we compatible?
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Do we like the same things?
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Are we in the same area?
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Are we in the same places in our lives?
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Are we both interested in maybe similar lifestyles?
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Maybe one person likes to go out and drink really heavily, and the other person is like, I want to be active.
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That's not gonna be a compatible relationship.
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You might really like each other and be really interested in each other, but like at the end of the day, if someone's going out partying all night and the other person wants to get up and take a hike in the morning, your lives are not in parallel.
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So that's compatibility, and then there's commitment.
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Now, this is where people get all sorts of backwards.
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We find someone that we like.
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Oh my gosh, there's chemistry, we get along really well, and then we ignore the rest of it and we jump straight to this fairy tale, and we've built this castle, so to speak, and this story and this narrative in our head that has no foundation to actually show us that this is really a good investment of our time, the right person for us.
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There's literally no foundation.
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It's just like, wow, I found this thing.
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This is not from me, by the way.
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This is this is literally written in a book by Matthew Hussey, where he says, your date that you're on is like when you go and you want to buy a piece of land, and then you like want to build a house.
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It's like you bought the land and all of a sudden you just expect there to be a castle there.
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It's not how it works.
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There's stages to this castle, but we in our heads see the plot of land, see the person, and we're like, oh my God, he has a great job, he's a traveler, whatever it is that we like run away with.
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And then all of a sudden, if we've been on three or four dates, and then we're like, oh, he's not texting me back, oh my gosh.
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We run away with this thing, and we're getting, so to speak, heartbroken or really invested in something that it was just our brains the entire time running away with this story.
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Now, this is where we need to put the brakes on ourselves.
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I'm only speaking from the female lens here.
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I do know that men also do this, probably not to the same extremes that us girlies do it, but we are guilty of this.
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At least once in our lives, we've done this.
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We've seen someone and we've like run away with a story and been like, oh my god, that's our husband or something ridiculous.
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And we're like, we don't even know them.
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And then, of course, there's a crash, and it's like, no.
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So I wanted to offer a different way in and maybe give a little bit more of a perspective shift because I think it's so easy for us to get so wrapped up in that initial chemistry or whatever.
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And then it's all that energy of the wave.
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It's like you see a wave and it has all this energy, and then as it reaches the shore, it loses momentum and it sort of crashes, and then there's there's no more wave, and then another wave comes.
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And that's what I've seen with my girlfriends, with friends, with people I know in stories, and you see it all the time where there's all this momentum, all this energy, and all of a sudden it just dissipates.
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And you're like, what?
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Where did this go?
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Oh my God, why does this keep happening?
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So, what I want to offer is maybe this is happening because of this internal narrative and dialogue that we expect something to be a certain way.
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And I'm gonna use these terms really loosely because I don't mean this in like a narcissistic type of way, but it's almost like if someone is pursuing you so hard in the beginning, like in that love bomby kind of way, again, I don't mean it in that actual term because that is a negative term.
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But if someone is pursued, well, maybe it is a negative thing, but if someone is pursuing you so hardcore and they have no idea who you are, they don't know your beliefs, your morals, your values, your core, your anything.
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They're just like, I see a pretty shiny light and I'm interested, and I'm gonna just like chase this like shiny object until I realize, oh no, not really interested anymore.
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And again, you see this all the time.
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But if that's like the first initial, there's literally no room for ebb and flow.
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You're gonna always expect it to be like so full force and so on, on, on, on, on.
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And that's a lot.
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That's not sustainable.
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A few years ago, I met someone and we immediately clicked.
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We we were together all the time.
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It was very fast and furious in the sense of we started spending all our time together.
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Again, not love bombing, but just very intense very soon.
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And there wasn't that foundation.
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It was the flowers and the dinners and the extra long hours spent together.
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And I mean, it was it was a lot, but it wasn't sustainable.
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And inevitably, once that understanding and really getting to know each other started to happen, we realized we are not compatible at all.
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The way we communicate is so different.
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So it's like we went from chemistry to commitment with nothing else in between.
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And that castle, my God, it crumpled.
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And it crumbled fast.
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It crumbled within months.
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And in that, that can be very hard because you're like, oh my God, they were doing all these things and they stopped.
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And you start to really understand who that person is, and you're like, wait a second, I didn't sign up for this.
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And I think that's pretty challenging for a lot of us because that feeds into our limiting beliefs of I'm I'm not enough, and like no one's ever gonna pick me, or I'm never gonna find my person, or our fear of rejection.
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This can perpetuate this cycle so much because we expect again, expectations like we expect someone to be showing up a hundred percent when they know us zero percent.
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I mean, this is also what Disney and Hollywood and all of the things have kind of created.
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If the story is so intense and it's such a push-pull, the story is never gonna have a good ending.
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You want like that really balanced, true, authentic connection.
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It takes work and it takes time.
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And yes, okay, there are the stories of people that meet and then they're together for 60 years for the rest of their lives.
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And they knew immediately and it was instant, and they just clicked and the end.
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Let's also remember how much society has changed, how much the digital age has changed, how much dating has changed, how accessibility is different, how people are actually learning more and doing more around the dating, around mental health, around all of these things.
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And our grandparents, while it is a beautiful thing, and it is possible, still today, for sure, it's not the norm.
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And the norm is we meet someone on a dating app or we meet them in the wild, and then all of a sudden, like we're together all the time and all of this stuff.
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And then you then you hear about the fade out or the fizzle or the crash and the burn.
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That's really where things go sideways for us, for them, for everyone.
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Everyone involved, for our friends that have to hear about it for the next 900 days because we don't shut up about it.
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And this is where I want to shift all of it.
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So I was talking to a friend recently, they shared something with me that really hit home.
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And it was such a beautiful analogy and metaphor that I really wanted to share this because I think this is a beautiful way to think about how relationships really are built.
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When you plant a seed and you expect it to grow, you don't stare at it, you don't keep watering it every 45 seconds, you don't hover over it, you plant the seed, you give it light, you give it space, you give it sun, you give it the adequate amount of water, and you go and you cut the dead leaves when they come, you trim it, you take care of it and you nurture it, but you let it be.
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You're not up on that plant all the time.
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And then when the flower grows, you're not like pulling apart all the petals and like examining every little detail.
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The same thing when you start a relationship.
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You plant a seed, you plant a foundation or an intention of I want to get to know this person.
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But that doesn't mean you're texting back and forth 24-7.
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They have their own lives.
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You guys are two different people with your own friends, lives, jobs, families, interests, hobbies, the list goes on.
00:20:52.319 --> 00:20:58.640
If you're like too much all at once, that it's not even something yet, you're gonna drown it.
00:20:58.799 --> 00:21:01.599
If I'm watering my plant too much, it's just gonna die.
00:21:01.759 --> 00:21:22.480
So when you step back after you've planted that seed in a relationship and you give it time, you give it the space, you do talk, you check in, you know, you really get to know each other and you build that foundation, you find that plot of land, you get the right pieces, you build the house, you build the castle, and you make sure that like you really are getting to know the person.
00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:27.119
To go back to those four C's, the chemistry is the seed, the seed's planted.
00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:28.960
Now comes in connection.
00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:33.599
We have a really strong foundation of communication and trust and whatever.
00:21:33.759 --> 00:21:37.359
And then there's compatibility, same stages in life.
00:21:37.519 --> 00:21:39.759
You might really like each other, but are you compatible?
00:21:39.920 --> 00:21:45.279
And getting to know those parts and not running away with the story before the story's even written.
00:21:45.519 --> 00:21:47.599
We love to write the story in our head.
00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:50.000
We never let the story unfold without control.
00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:51.920
So, what happens if we just release?
00:21:52.160 --> 00:21:53.599
Yeah, that's terrifying.
00:21:53.759 --> 00:21:55.359
The unknown is freaky.
00:21:55.519 --> 00:21:56.480
I get it.
00:21:56.799 --> 00:21:57.599
I'm there.
00:21:57.759 --> 00:21:59.519
I'm with you guys 100%.
00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:01.039
That's why I'm talking about this.
00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:05.680
But how boring is a book if you pick it up and you read the last page.
00:22:05.839 --> 00:22:06.480
There's no point.
00:22:06.559 --> 00:22:07.839
You already know what happens.
00:22:08.079 --> 00:22:09.920
And also with expectations.
00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:25.039
And if you already know the direction your life's going, there's no room for excitement, for spontaneity, for growth, for change, for transformation, for adjusting, for play, for just anything that's out of the ordinary.
00:22:25.200 --> 00:22:34.160
And I can't tell you, just on a personal note, how many times I've planned something, like a date or or anything.
00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:36.079
And it just, you know, it doesn't work out.
00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:37.519
It doesn't like go to plan.
00:22:37.680 --> 00:22:44.160
The best times I've ever had with anyone is when it's just spur of the moment and you just flow.
00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:47.759
We're so rigid these days.
00:22:47.920 --> 00:22:50.880
We're so wanting to control and hold on.
00:22:50.960 --> 00:22:53.279
And what's this doing and where's this going?
00:22:53.359 --> 00:22:53.759
And uh.
00:22:54.640 --> 00:22:56.640
And we don't just let it be.
00:22:56.799 --> 00:22:58.960
Again, 1 million percent guilty.
00:22:59.119 --> 00:23:03.440
I can't sit here and say, like, I don't do this, because I a thousand percent do it.
00:23:03.599 --> 00:23:10.400
But it's the mental gymnastics that you have to do with yourself in order to not continue in these cycles.
00:23:10.559 --> 00:23:11.680
Because what's the alternative?
00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:15.519
You're just gonna fall back into the same repetitive cycles that we already know.
00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:16.960
We already know they don't work.
00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:18.160
Maybe they work for the 1%.
00:23:18.799 --> 00:23:26.559
But what I do know is there is a different way to think about this, to reframe this, and to have this unfold.
00:23:26.720 --> 00:23:40.640
So once that seed's planted and that flower grows, and you you give it the water, the sun, the space, the time, the air, the room to breathe, then you can really see is this a flower that I like?
00:23:40.799 --> 00:23:42.960
There's this beautiful quote that I found by Dr.
00:23:43.039 --> 00:23:43.440
Bolu.
00:23:43.839 --> 00:23:46.799
I think Jay Shetty was the one that posted it, but it's originally from Dr.
00:23:46.880 --> 00:23:47.200
Bolu.
00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:54.000
And it says, When people fall in love with someone's flowers, but not their roots, they don't know what to do when autumn comes.
00:23:54.319 --> 00:24:06.079
Your relationships need to be built on deep alignment on values, character, morals, which are the roots, not just love, appearance, hobby, status, which are the flowers.
00:24:06.400 --> 00:24:23.680
I'm not sure if that resonates with anyone, but for me, it really signifies where we get stuck and also how we get stuck, and how we run away with these stories that just keep us in the same feedback loop.
00:24:23.920 --> 00:24:31.920
Because now when you really take time and you step back and you don't run away with a story, and this is where the work is.
00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:34.160
This is where the mess starts.
00:24:34.319 --> 00:24:39.440
The mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of all of this really come into play.
00:24:39.599 --> 00:24:43.279
And this is where we get healthier with our approach in.
00:24:43.359 --> 00:24:45.680
Because again, it's not really about them.
00:24:46.000 --> 00:24:47.920
And I want to make that so clear.
00:24:48.160 --> 00:25:02.079
Everything that I say is not a projection on what anyone else does, it's a reflection on how we are in our lives and how we can really go inside and create the life that we want on the outside.
00:25:02.240 --> 00:25:12.720
And if we're not breaking these things down and really understanding or reflecting or changing the patterns in our lives that don't work, we're never gonna get different results.
00:25:13.039 --> 00:25:14.160
This is hard.
00:25:14.319 --> 00:25:20.960
To change in real time is hard because we can tell ourselves all day long when I meet someone, I'll do this.
00:25:21.200 --> 00:25:22.079
No, no, no.
00:25:22.319 --> 00:25:25.279
You can tell yourself that as much as you want.
00:25:25.519 --> 00:25:28.559
The most important thing is when that person's standing in front of you.
00:25:28.720 --> 00:25:30.079
That's when it gets hard.
00:25:30.240 --> 00:25:31.920
And that's when you have to implement it.
00:25:32.000 --> 00:25:33.839
And it's so easy not to implement it.
00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:37.200
It's so easy to go back to those same patterns of, oh, I just want to text them.
00:25:37.279 --> 00:25:39.920
I want to like have constant communication, I just want to blah, blah, blah.
00:25:40.319 --> 00:25:40.640
No.
00:25:41.039 --> 00:25:43.599
Stop, pause, wait, reactive.
00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:45.359
No, we're not doing that.
00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:48.319
Because that's not, again, that's not sustainable.
00:25:48.480 --> 00:25:49.119
Because then what?
00:25:49.279 --> 00:25:52.160
If they have a busy day at work, what is that gonna feed?
00:25:52.319 --> 00:25:55.680
Your same narrative of like, I'm not enough, oh, they don't like me.
00:25:56.079 --> 00:25:57.839
It just feeds our insecurities.
00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:01.759
And then it's like the chase and the pullback and all this stuff because it's not natural.
00:26:01.920 --> 00:26:09.359
I realized something recently too, and I'm not a big texter, but if I like someone, I obviously like want to talk to them all the time.
00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:12.000
Like that's I think that's very human and very natural.
00:26:12.240 --> 00:26:17.119
But it's fighting that urge to do that because that's the waterboarding, that's drowning that seed.
00:26:17.200 --> 00:26:22.559
That's like the too much too soon too fast when you don't even know each other and that's not even earned yet.
00:26:22.880 --> 00:26:33.839
It's like you're trying to like make a relationship a relationship with without any work, without any foundation, without any knowledge of the person or who they are, really, truly.
00:26:34.079 --> 00:26:44.799
But also, if we're being honest with ourselves and we send a text to someone we like or we're talking to or we're dating, and they don't respond, and that triggers that feedback loop of, well, what are they doing?
00:26:44.960 --> 00:26:46.400
Maybe they're like not interested.
00:26:46.640 --> 00:26:47.599
We gotta look at that.
00:26:47.759 --> 00:27:04.880
And then we have to really do the inner work to get that limiting belief or that negative thought out because what, that's just gonna happen every single time that they are busy and have a busy day or like they're exhausted and they just don't have the mental capacity, whatever it is.
00:27:05.039 --> 00:27:14.559
I mean, yes, everyone can take two seconds and communicate, but having that expectation that someone should show up for you the way that you think they should is just a dead end disaster.
00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:20.400
How many times have you sent a text to a friend and it takes them a couple days to get back and you don't sweat it at all?
00:27:20.480 --> 00:27:22.160
You're like, yeah, well, that's just them.
00:27:22.240 --> 00:27:23.759
Like, I'm gonna hear from them eventually.
00:27:23.920 --> 00:27:24.319
Hello?
00:27:24.400 --> 00:27:30.400
Like, why don't we give that same grace, space, and acknowledgement to the person we're talking to?
00:27:30.559 --> 00:27:32.160
They do not owe us anything.
00:27:32.240 --> 00:27:33.519
This is the beginning.
00:27:33.680 --> 00:27:37.440
Like your best friends might not respond to you for five days and like you're fine with it.
00:27:37.519 --> 00:27:38.319
You're like, I get it.
00:27:38.400 --> 00:27:38.880
They have a life.
00:27:38.960 --> 00:27:44.079
Okay, so does your person, so does your partner, so does the guy that you like or the girl you like.
00:27:44.240 --> 00:27:45.759
Everyone has their lives.
00:27:45.920 --> 00:27:51.440
You can't just expect the minute that you meet someone for them to be all up about you.
00:27:51.599 --> 00:27:52.480
They don't know you.
00:27:52.640 --> 00:27:53.440
You don't know them.
00:27:53.599 --> 00:27:57.279
Stop writing a silly story that has no basis in reality.
00:27:57.519 --> 00:27:59.839
Really get to know them and chill.
00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:05.680
Take a beat, take a hard beat, and stop yourself in your tracks and be like, yo, it's cool.
00:28:05.839 --> 00:28:06.880
I don't know you.
00:28:07.119 --> 00:28:11.599
And I'm not writing a silly story that's gonna hurt me later on down the road.
00:28:11.680 --> 00:28:13.680
Because how many times do you actually like get to know someone?
00:28:13.759 --> 00:28:15.680
You're like, actually, we're just not compatible.
00:28:15.839 --> 00:28:18.559
You're good with it because you know it's just not it.
00:28:18.720 --> 00:28:25.839
So give yourself that same exact compassion and grace to do that with someone that, yeah, you might be really attracted to them.
00:28:25.920 --> 00:28:28.559
You might have great chemistry, you might have a really strong connection.
00:28:28.799 --> 00:28:31.039
Okay, well, let's make sure the other C's are there.
00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:33.119
Compatibility, commitment.
00:28:33.200 --> 00:28:42.799
And if you're the one just writing a silly story and running away with the narrative, you're creating false expectations and you're only ever gonna be let down by it.
00:28:42.960 --> 00:28:48.960
In those beginning phases, you really get to know if you're just getting attention or if there is intention.
00:28:49.039 --> 00:28:53.680
Because someone can text you all day long and it just is that feedback loop of attention.
00:28:53.839 --> 00:28:55.599
But they're not being intentional.
00:28:55.759 --> 00:28:59.200
They're not actually putting out anything or building anything.
00:28:59.279 --> 00:29:00.880
It's just like, oh, I did this or oh, I did.
00:29:01.039 --> 00:29:03.039
It's like, it's kind of just like a pen pal.
00:29:03.279 --> 00:29:05.119
Are they being intentional with your time?
00:29:05.359 --> 00:29:07.119
Are they actually investing in you?
00:29:07.279 --> 00:29:09.119
Is it talking and action?
00:29:09.279 --> 00:29:16.559
That's another thing that we just completely throw out the window when we meet someone that we're attracted to and we like.
00:29:16.880 --> 00:29:20.240
We don't actually take the time to be like, oh, are they being intentional?
00:29:20.400 --> 00:29:22.880
Oh my God, I'm getting all the attention, but are they being intentional?
00:29:23.039 --> 00:29:26.720
And are they putting in the action that they are saying with their words?
00:29:26.880 --> 00:29:28.640
Like, are they actually aligned?
00:29:28.799 --> 00:29:40.319
Because another thing is someone can future bomb us when someone is like, oh, we'll do this at this state, or we'll go here in this time, or oh, I can't wait for you to like see where I grew up.
00:29:40.400 --> 00:29:42.799
And it's like, wait a second, hold on.
00:29:43.119 --> 00:29:47.200
You're you're planting seeds for the future, but there's no foundation in the present.
00:29:47.359 --> 00:29:52.000
And we get so stuck in that when there's no action.
00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:53.920
Did they call you and they said they would?
00:29:54.079 --> 00:30:01.279
Are there talk and actions lining up in the present day, or are you just holding out because they said something they were gonna do in the future?
00:30:01.599 --> 00:30:04.400
Get real with yourself, look at it, really unpack it.
00:30:04.480 --> 00:30:05.680
It's not gonna be comfortable.
00:30:05.920 --> 00:30:09.680
And it shouldn't be because you're breaking patterns, you're breaking cycles.
00:30:09.920 --> 00:30:13.920
And anytime you do something new, it's the unknown and it's scary.
00:30:14.160 --> 00:30:21.200
We're so used to the familiar and we're so used to what we've always done and what we know that it's so easy to go back to that.
00:30:21.359 --> 00:30:32.799
To, oh, I'm just gonna text him, or oh, he's not responding, so I'm just gonna call him, or I'm just gonna, you know, no, stop, put your phone down, take a beat, and figure out why you're doing this.
00:30:33.119 --> 00:30:41.519
Because if it's coming from lack and the scarcity mindset of, oh my god, they're not, then no, we're ending that right here, today, right now.
00:30:41.680 --> 00:30:47.359
I went into a relationship with someone, amazing person, but I went into that relationship from lack.
00:30:47.519 --> 00:31:05.759
And it was because the previous relationship that I was in, I was so deprived of intention, commitment, all the things, that once someone showed me what I really wanted and what I was lacking so much, it almost didn't matter who they were.
00:31:06.000 --> 00:31:08.799
It was that that's what they were bringing to the table.
00:31:08.960 --> 00:31:14.720
And because I was in so much lack, that seed that was planted was a negative seed.
00:31:15.039 --> 00:31:17.920
And what grew in that relationship was only lack.
00:31:18.160 --> 00:31:22.559
Because I went into it from lack, which doesn't breed any sort of healthy relationship.
00:31:22.720 --> 00:31:27.119
And unfortunately, because of that, it caused a lot of pain in a lot of ways.
00:31:27.279 --> 00:31:37.039
If I had just done the work before and knew that this was not a healthy, balanced way to enter a relationship, I wouldn't have done it.
00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:40.240
And you know, we all make mistakes and there's trial and error.
00:31:40.319 --> 00:31:44.400
And I'm not saying that relationship is a mistake or that anything that happened was a mistake.
00:31:44.559 --> 00:31:45.839
I see it as a blessing.
00:31:45.920 --> 00:31:49.599
I see it as a beautiful way through life and learning.
00:31:49.839 --> 00:31:53.599
But it brought me here today to be able to be like, well, let's shift this.
00:31:53.759 --> 00:31:56.079
What is the positive seed that we can plant?
00:31:56.319 --> 00:32:23.759
If you're just looking to fill a lack and get that energy and get that quick fix, that dopamine hit, I would advise you to sit down and fill your own cup, build out your life so that when they're not responding, when life is lifing, that you're not repeating those negative thought patterns and cycles in yourself, thus maybe projecting them onto that person and creating something that just didn't need to be there in the first place.
00:32:23.920 --> 00:32:30.079
Because let's say they didn't talk to you for a week and then they finally reach out and you're like, hello, where have you been?
00:32:30.480 --> 00:32:36.240
And there's that like tinge of tinge of whatever, like negativity, or you're just like resentful.
00:32:36.480 --> 00:32:44.000
No, you have a life, you have friends, you have hobbies, you have interests, you have a career, you have things that you're doing.
00:32:44.319 --> 00:32:47.200
Fill it, do it, live it.
00:32:48.000 --> 00:32:48.880
Choose yourself.
00:32:49.039 --> 00:32:50.799
If you don't choose yourself, no one's gonna choose you.
00:32:50.880 --> 00:32:52.000
You've heard that a million times.
00:32:52.160 --> 00:32:52.480
I know.
00:32:52.640 --> 00:32:53.440
I'm serious.
00:32:53.599 --> 00:33:00.240
Like if you don't fill your life, and then they come, they talk to you or whatever, and they're have a busy week or whatever it is.
00:33:00.400 --> 00:33:02.799
And I'm I'm not saying like this is what happens in a relationship.
00:33:02.880 --> 00:33:07.359
I'm saying like in the beginning of a relationship or just like getting to know someone or whatever.
00:33:07.519 --> 00:33:13.839
But you better have had stuff going on for yourself that you weren't just sitting there waiting for them because that person's not gonna be like, that's hot.
00:33:14.000 --> 00:33:16.559
Yeah, she's got nothing going on, cool.
00:33:16.960 --> 00:33:20.480
No, literally, absolutely not.
00:33:20.640 --> 00:33:26.880
They're gonna feel needed, like icky, they're gonna feel that pushback because it's like, hold on, why do you need like what?
00:33:27.039 --> 00:33:28.000
You're your own person.
00:33:28.160 --> 00:33:29.519
What did you do before me?
00:33:29.759 --> 00:33:34.480
And honestly, what we probably did before them was put all of our lack in someone else and tried to fill that with someone else.
00:33:34.640 --> 00:33:35.440
Maybe, who knows?
00:33:35.599 --> 00:33:36.400
I've definitely done it.
00:33:36.480 --> 00:33:40.079
That's why you always hear love yourself before you love someone else.
00:33:40.319 --> 00:33:44.079
Because you really do have to love your life and you really do have to have a life.
00:33:44.319 --> 00:33:50.240
Because otherwise, what are you just gonna attach and glob onto someone else's and then expect them to just like be the source of your life?
00:33:50.480 --> 00:33:52.640
Let's get back to ourselves.
00:33:52.799 --> 00:34:00.400
Let's really focus on how we can do the work and not be like, well, they're not talking to me and they don't care and they don't know.
00:34:00.559 --> 00:34:02.880
I want someone to count how many times I said no this episode.
00:34:03.039 --> 00:34:04.559
It starts from the inside out.
00:34:04.720 --> 00:34:06.880
So let's break it down in the mess.
00:34:07.039 --> 00:34:07.440
Mental.
00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:08.480
We talked about it, right?
00:34:08.639 --> 00:34:41.039
We get really clear on our lives, what we want, being really intentional, planting a healthy seed, not coming from lack, being really solid, and not running away with a story or a narrative emotionally, not getting attached to that narrative, just understanding, okay, I'm interested in this person, but then letting it unfold and letting it be a natural ebb and flow and give and take, and watering that seed and taking a step back and not pulling apart the flower and analyzing every little petal.
00:34:41.199 --> 00:34:44.960
You're gonna look at the rose and be like, oh my God, I just destroyed it.
00:34:45.440 --> 00:34:47.119
Don't do that to your relationship.
00:34:47.280 --> 00:34:51.760
Emotionally fill yourself and spiritually, it's rewiring these patterns.
00:34:51.920 --> 00:34:57.920
It's going into those places and figuring out how we can change these patterns and these thoughts.
00:34:58.079 --> 00:35:09.039
I think another little key tidb is we get caught up in the story when we start telling our friends, oh my God, he did this, oh my god, they did that.
00:35:09.199 --> 00:35:14.719
And you start romanticizing it and repeating it and playing it out and telling everyone.
00:35:14.960 --> 00:35:17.199
What happens if you just zipped your mouth?
00:35:17.360 --> 00:35:20.400
Yeah, I'm talking to someone, getting to know them.
00:35:20.639 --> 00:35:37.199
And you just didn't let this story run rampant in your brain and having to tell everyone every step of the way, and we just let it unfold instead of, you know, hearing our friends' feedback and oh my gosh, and wow, I can't believe he this or whatever.
00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:44.800
It's like honestly, if you don't hear from this person for a few days and you told your friend that, they're probably gonna be like, oh my God, well, that's crazy.
00:35:44.960 --> 00:35:46.079
Like he doesn't even like you.
00:35:46.159 --> 00:35:55.199
And then now you're telling yourself a whole story that's probably so untrue, and he's probably just having his life or doing his thing.
00:35:55.440 --> 00:35:58.400
And he will talk to you, or they will talk to you when they talk to you.
00:35:58.559 --> 00:36:02.400
And also, you could be the one that's just like, I'm busy, like I'll get to it when I get to it.
00:36:02.480 --> 00:36:05.760
It's not because you don't like the person, it's just because, again, you have a life.
00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:10.079
So have a life and have a full life.
00:36:10.320 --> 00:36:21.360
Spiritually, doing this work and really pulling yourself back and understanding these cycles, and again, not coming from lack and really letting it be will change a lot for you.
00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:39.599
Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, we just need to realign and reframe everything that we put out, how we communicate, how we show up, and really just let things flow without control, without needing answers, and just letting things be.
00:36:39.920 --> 00:36:46.559
Because if you really do believe in this like I do, what is meant for you will never pass you by.
00:36:46.719 --> 00:36:48.960
What is meant for you will always be for you.
00:36:49.119 --> 00:36:52.639
And no matter what, you can't ever really control anything.
00:36:52.800 --> 00:36:57.760
And if you put expectations on anything, you're gonna be let down because things happen.
00:36:58.079 --> 00:36:59.440
Life happens.
00:37:00.079 --> 00:37:05.440
And especially when you bring expectations and project them on someone else, it's when things really fall apart.
00:37:05.519 --> 00:37:08.400
Because how are they ever gonna be able to fulfill anything?
00:37:08.719 --> 00:37:13.920
You should set expectations for how you show up and how you are for yourself.
00:37:14.159 --> 00:37:16.159
Expectation on you is fine.
00:37:16.400 --> 00:37:17.760
Expectations on someone else.
00:37:17.920 --> 00:37:20.880
That's where we get really, really stuck.
00:37:24.400 --> 00:37:46.639
That was Ruth before romance, and that was recorded about a year and a half ago, and and listening to that again after everything that's happened, after the relationship ruiners episode, after that phone call and catching myself in real time, it kind of just hits a different, at least for me.
00:37:46.800 --> 00:37:56.559
And here's what I realized: all four of those relationship ruiners, blame, reliance, projection, expectation, they're all symptoms of the same problem.
00:37:56.719 --> 00:38:02.159
They're all what happens when you completely skip the roots and go straight to the flowers.
00:38:02.320 --> 00:38:10.480
When you blame someone for how they feel, you're expecting them to be responsible for your roots, your foundation, for your healing.
00:38:10.639 --> 00:38:22.639
And when you rely on someone to complete you, you're trying to build a castle on their plot of land instead of your own or my new thing.
00:38:23.199 --> 00:38:27.840
Finding a plot of land for the two of you to build.
00:38:28.159 --> 00:38:33.920
Because I want to get into this in another episode, but you shouldn't just merge two worlds.
00:38:34.079 --> 00:38:38.880
It should be three: your world, their world, and your shared world.
00:38:39.199 --> 00:38:44.800
So build it on a mutual plot of land that you both own.
00:38:45.440 --> 00:38:50.639
When you project your past onto them, you're not even seeing the seed in front of you.
00:38:50.800 --> 00:38:54.320
You're seeing a completely different plant entirely.
00:38:54.639 --> 00:39:00.639
You're seeing your ex, you're seeing your your mom, you're seeing whatever the situation is, your teacher.
00:39:00.719 --> 00:39:12.400
And when you hold unspoken expectations, when you don't communicate your needs, you're demanding that the flowers bloom exactly how you want them to on your timeline without giving it space to naturally grow.
00:39:12.559 --> 00:39:16.079
Guys, none of this actually works when you do it like that.
00:39:16.239 --> 00:39:20.400
None of it builds a sustainable and healthy relationship.
00:39:20.480 --> 00:39:24.079
And I think if we're honest with ourselves, that's what we all are looking for.
00:39:24.239 --> 00:39:34.079
So what I want to leave you with today is if you're in the early stages of getting to know someone, whether that's romantically, a new friendship, whatever it is, ask yourself.
00:39:34.400 --> 00:39:42.079
Or if you've had lifelong friends, still ask yourself this Am I watering the seed or am I drowning it?
00:39:42.320 --> 00:39:51.199
And even if it's a well-established relationship, you can still pivot, you can still make the change in real time, you can still choose differently.
00:39:51.360 --> 00:39:54.639
And ask yourself, are you giving it space to grow?
00:39:54.960 --> 00:40:00.880
Or are you hovering over it, analyzing every little detail, pulling apart all the petals to see if it's right?
00:40:01.280 --> 00:40:03.519
Are you seeing that person for who they actually are?
00:40:03.679 --> 00:40:07.599
Or are you seeing them through the filter of who hurt you before?
00:40:07.760 --> 00:40:15.679
And if you catch yourself doing any of those things, any of the blame, reliance, projection, expectation, and don't beat yourself up.
00:40:15.840 --> 00:40:16.639
Just notice it.
00:40:16.800 --> 00:40:17.280
Name it.
00:40:17.440 --> 00:40:19.360
And then you can choose differently in that moment.
00:40:19.519 --> 00:40:21.199
That's what I did on that phone call.
00:40:21.360 --> 00:40:22.400
I noticed it.
00:40:22.559 --> 00:40:23.519
I named it.
00:40:23.760 --> 00:40:29.119
And I ended up choosing to respond from awareness instead of woundedness.
00:40:29.199 --> 00:40:30.400
And that shifted everything.
00:40:30.559 --> 00:40:34.480
There's something I heard once that I just want to bring back quickly.
00:40:34.719 --> 00:40:44.960
That is, I'm gonna butcher this quote, but it's along the lines of the person who's stronger is the one that falls and catches themselves versus the one that never falls at all.
00:40:45.119 --> 00:40:55.440
And if you are falling, and by that I mean catching, like actually doing these patterns, but catching yourself, that's where growth happens.
00:40:55.599 --> 00:40:57.440
So don't beat yourself up for it.
00:40:57.679 --> 00:40:59.679
Okay, let's get messy with this.
00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:02.079
Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
00:41:02.559 --> 00:41:07.920
Mentally, where are you still writing stories that haven't been written yet?
00:41:08.079 --> 00:41:14.239
And what I mean by that is where are you projecting your past relationships onto your present person?
00:41:14.400 --> 00:41:20.079
Where are you expecting someone to show up for you in ways you haven't even communicated?
00:41:20.320 --> 00:41:21.119
Get honest.
00:41:21.280 --> 00:41:22.480
Maybe write it down.
00:41:22.719 --> 00:41:24.239
Name that pattern.
00:41:24.639 --> 00:41:26.239
Writing is so powerful.
00:41:26.400 --> 00:41:27.519
I highly suggest it.
00:41:27.760 --> 00:41:32.480
Emotionally, what would you feel if you stopped projecting?
00:41:32.719 --> 00:41:45.119
If you stopped expecting, if you actually let someone show you who they are instead of just assuming they're gonna be like everyone else who hurt you before, would you feel vulnerable, exposed, out of control?
00:41:46.880 --> 00:41:54.800
I dare you to sit with that discomfort because on the other side of that discomfort is real connection.
00:41:54.960 --> 00:41:56.960
And that's what I also experienced on the phone.
00:41:57.119 --> 00:42:00.719
Spiritually, what if what if?
00:42:01.599 --> 00:42:06.800
Seriously though, what if the right person doesn't need you to perform?
00:42:06.960 --> 00:42:14.719
What if they don't need you to prove yourself or water that seed 24-7 will pull apart all the petals to make sure it's perfect?
00:42:14.880 --> 00:42:25.920
What if you trusted that when you plant a healthy seed, when you show up whole, aware, and responsible, the right relationship will grow naturally?
00:42:26.239 --> 00:42:31.440
And to that same point, what if the wrong relationships fall away?
00:42:31.519 --> 00:42:34.639
Not because you're not enough, but because they're not aligned.
00:42:34.800 --> 00:42:36.159
Can you trust that?
00:42:36.800 --> 00:42:40.079
Alright, friends, here's your homework for this week.
00:42:40.239 --> 00:42:46.719
If you haven't listened fully through the Relationship Ruiners episode, go back and listen to it.
00:42:46.960 --> 00:42:50.079
Pick one of the patterns and track it.
00:42:50.400 --> 00:42:52.159
Notice what comes up.
00:42:52.559 --> 00:42:55.039
Notice what story you're telling yourself.
00:42:55.440 --> 00:42:59.280
And then choose differently in the moment.
00:43:00.960 --> 00:43:02.400
That's the work, you guys.
00:43:02.480 --> 00:43:04.159
That's how we break the cycles.
00:43:04.400 --> 00:43:13.760
And if you want to share what you're noticing, feel free to DM me on Instagram at underscoreinsideout.podcast or leave a comment on my Substack, DM me on Substack.
00:43:14.239 --> 00:43:15.920
Because I do want to hear from you.
00:43:16.159 --> 00:43:20.079
Because this work we're doing it, we're doing it together.
00:43:20.320 --> 00:43:27.039
So you guys know where to find me again at underscoreinsideout.podcast, Substack, everything's linked in the show notes.
00:43:27.199 --> 00:43:32.320
And if this episode helped you see something you hadn't seen before, share it with three people.
00:43:32.800 --> 00:43:37.039
Because I guarantee you that there's someone in your life that needs to hear this right now.
00:43:37.440 --> 00:43:39.519
Alright, guys, have a beautiful week.
00:43:39.840 --> 00:43:41.280
See you next Wednesday.
00:43:41.599 --> 00:43:42.239
Bye.
00:00:06.959 --> 00:00:08.960
Welcome to the Inside Out Podcast.
00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:13.119
I'm your host, Jojo, and this is where we will navigate the mess together.
00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:15.599
That is mental, emotional, and spiritual.
00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:17.359
Let's get into it.
00:00:24.640 --> 00:00:32.000
So I recorded the relationship ruiner episode, and in that episode, I talked about what the four relationship ruiners are.
00:00:32.079 --> 00:00:36.079
I talked about blame, reliance, projection, and expectation.
00:00:36.240 --> 00:00:40.560
And I gave you guys homework to pick one pattern and track it this week.
00:00:40.880 --> 00:00:42.560
And I was between two.
00:00:42.640 --> 00:00:46.079
I was between projection and expectation, and I ended up choosing projection.
00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:52.560
So I hit stop on the recording, and literally within minutes, something happened.
00:00:52.799 --> 00:00:54.320
What happened next, you might ask?
00:00:54.479 --> 00:00:59.359
Well, it was literally like the universe was like, oh, you you want to track projection?
00:00:59.759 --> 00:01:02.880
So, okay, we're gonna give you a live demonstration.
00:01:03.119 --> 00:01:04.640
Better practice what you preach.
00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:06.799
We are gonna do something a little bit different today.
00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:15.680
And basically, I'm gonna give you a real-time live update on what happened and what actually unfolded.
00:01:16.000 --> 00:01:30.560
And then I'm going to play you my first ever episode called Roots Before Romance, because after that happened, I realized these two episodes are actually telling the same story.
00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:32.719
Okay, so here's what happened.
00:01:33.359 --> 00:01:36.959
This is wildly embarrassing, but we're gonna we're gonna get real.
00:01:37.120 --> 00:01:47.599
So I was texting back and forth with someone, and the conversation was a little bit tricky to navigate just through messaging.
00:01:47.840 --> 00:01:50.959
And I was like, you know what, I don't really want to like talk about this anymore.
00:01:51.120 --> 00:01:53.120
And it ended up turning into a phone call.
00:01:53.200 --> 00:02:05.519
And basically what happened on the phone was I completely misunderstood where this person was at, and what they were telling me was really not what I was hearing.
00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:29.520
I basically, to not get into like the specifics to protect this person's privacy and all of the things, I basically didn't feel like I was wanted, being thought about, uh, really cared about in a lot of ways, and that something that I had posed to this person was more or less kind of ignored.
00:02:29.599 --> 00:02:33.919
And when we got on the phone, what I realized is that couldn't be further from the case.
00:02:34.159 --> 00:02:35.680
This person was just busy.
00:02:35.919 --> 00:02:38.400
They were occupied with something else.
00:02:38.800 --> 00:02:50.319
And what I know from this person is that they're A, not a big texter, and B not someone who's just gonna like send their response to respond.
00:02:50.479 --> 00:02:57.520
And history has therefore shown this, but I was projecting.
00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:03.759
I was looking at this interaction and this human through the lens of my past.
00:03:03.919 --> 00:03:21.120
I was taking everything that I had been through in my hurt past, what other people had done to me, what other people had said to me, how other people had treated similar situations, and was like, nope, I'm gonna look at you right now through this lens of what I've been through.
00:03:21.280 --> 00:03:23.199
And you know what was even crazier?
00:03:23.360 --> 00:03:25.759
They caught me in the act of doing that.
00:03:26.080 --> 00:03:29.680
In the moment, right then and there, and literally called me out.
00:03:29.840 --> 00:03:32.639
Did I mention this was minutes after I recorded the episode?
00:03:32.800 --> 00:03:39.840
Like, hello, thank you, universe, for this beautiful unfoldment and crazy, ironic situation.
00:03:40.159 --> 00:03:46.159
So they call me out, and I stopped and I was like, wow, you're so right.
00:03:46.319 --> 00:03:58.800
And what's even crazier is not only did they call me out, but they said three words that were probably the most healing things I've ever heard.
00:03:58.960 --> 00:04:06.240
Because all I wanted to do in that moment was shut down, run away, and hide, protect myself.
00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:08.800
I wasn't feeling wanted, okay, I wasn't gonna be wanted.
00:04:08.879 --> 00:04:12.879
I'm gonna leave, I'm not gonna keep being there, not being wanted, right?
00:04:13.039 --> 00:04:15.840
The little girl inside me wanted to just like disappear.
00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:16.720
And I tried.
00:04:16.879 --> 00:04:20.160
I tried on the text message, being like, I just don't want to talk about this anymore.
00:04:20.319 --> 00:04:25.839
And then I also tried on the phone when I said, you know, it's not a big deal, like, never mind, forget about it.
00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:27.839
And they literally were like, no, no, no.
00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:32.319
And the three words that followed were so powerful.
00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:34.879
And those three words were talk to me.
00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:52.639
And when this person said those three words, I started crying because it was the first time in any type of relationship where I had felt like I had wanted to run away, forget everything, vanish.
00:04:52.879 --> 00:05:02.399
And that person had seen that and been like, no, I want to understand where this is coming from and why you're viewing me this way.
00:05:03.199 --> 00:05:06.079
And then let's dial it back and change this.
00:05:06.240 --> 00:05:16.720
And I was doing everything, I was projecting everything onto this person that had no bearings, that had it like was so irrational.
00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:22.959
But this person tried to understand why, where it had come from, why my response was this way.
00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:34.160
And after really opening it up and being vulnerable and real and realizing what I was doing in real time in the moment, not like walking away and being like, okay, calming down.
00:05:34.319 --> 00:05:35.199
No, no, no.
00:05:35.600 --> 00:05:43.199
Exposed, completely vulnerable and out there for this person to see everything, realizing what I had just been doing.
00:05:45.279 --> 00:05:47.680
So that's the key here, catching it.
00:05:47.839 --> 00:05:48.720
That's the whole thing.
00:05:48.879 --> 00:06:11.120
But if I hadn't caught myself, if I hadn't been even aware of this pattern or even having it on my mind, and mind you, minutes before, I probably would have continued to run, continue to respond from the wounded place rather than stay on the phone, continue to have the conversation, and get real.
00:06:11.279 --> 00:06:14.639
I would have created distance where there didn't need to be any.
00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:19.279
And I would have essentially made this person pay for the wounds that they didn't cause.
00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:23.600
And that, like staying in that, that's where the work is.
00:06:23.839 --> 00:06:28.160
It's not about being perfect, it's not about having the projection not come up.
00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:29.519
It's about catching it.
00:06:29.680 --> 00:06:33.519
It's about being aware enough to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:06:33.839 --> 00:06:35.519
Is this like real?
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:38.319
Are they actually not wanting me there?
00:06:38.879 --> 00:06:40.399
Or is it just my wound?
00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:42.240
Is it just my stuff?
00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:47.120
So when I named it out loud, it completely took away its power.
00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:57.519
When I was honest and real with this person and said, This is why I'm doing this, it made it so insignificant in a way.
00:06:57.839 --> 00:07:04.720
And that projection couldn't control me anymore because I started to see it for what it really was.
00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:06.959
Now here's why I'm telling you the story.
00:07:07.120 --> 00:07:11.920
What happened on that phone call is exactly what I talk about in my first episode.
00:07:12.319 --> 00:07:18.800
First ever episode of this podcast that started everything called Roots Before Romance.
00:07:19.040 --> 00:07:29.199
And in that episode, I talked about planting seeds, about how relationships aren't built overnight, about how you can't just meet someone and expect a castle to appear.
00:07:29.519 --> 00:07:32.240
You have to build a foundation.
00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:39.600
And projection, the one I chose this week, projection is what happens when you skip the foundation.
00:07:39.759 --> 00:07:45.519
It's what happens when you see someone through the filter of your past instead of seeing them for who they actually are.
00:07:45.680 --> 00:07:53.439
When you water the seed too much, pull apart all the petals, and hover over that plan instead of just letting it grow, that's where everything falls apart.
00:07:53.759 --> 00:07:57.759
So after that phone call, I thought, you know what?
00:07:57.920 --> 00:08:00.639
I think people need to hear this first episode again.
00:08:00.800 --> 00:08:02.560
Because it's all connected.
00:08:02.879 --> 00:08:10.319
The relationship ruiners, blame, reliance, projection, expectation, they all come from the same place.
00:08:10.959 --> 00:08:14.480
They come from not doing the inner work.
00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:22.240
And they come from basically trying to build a castle on a plot of land that has no foundation.
00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:27.759
So Roots Before Romance is about building that foundation.
00:08:28.560 --> 00:08:29.759
Here's what I'm gonna do.
00:08:29.839 --> 00:08:32.399
I'm gonna play you that first episode right now.
00:08:32.960 --> 00:08:35.200
My very, very first episode.
00:08:35.360 --> 00:08:38.480
And like I said, it's the one that started this whole journey.
00:08:38.639 --> 00:08:42.639
I want you to listen to it with the understanding of what you know now.
00:08:42.799 --> 00:08:46.879
Listen to it through the lens of the four relationship ruiners.
00:08:47.039 --> 00:08:51.440
And if you chose the same one that I did, listen to it through the lens of projection.
00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:56.080
So when we come back, we will break it down mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
00:08:56.240 --> 00:09:00.960
But without further ado, here it is, the first episode of Inside Out.
00:09:10.320 --> 00:09:13.120
This week I wanted to talk about relationships.
00:09:13.360 --> 00:09:21.600
I think it's one of the most discussed topics in the podcasting space and probably just in everyday life.
00:09:21.919 --> 00:09:36.240
But I wanted to approach this a little differently, and I wanted to actually talk about the start of a relationship or when you meet someone that you're interested in, or even just how a healthy foundation is built.
00:09:36.480 --> 00:09:50.559
I think the modern dating world is really a little bit of a mind warp, if you will, because we have all of the accessibility of dating apps and people's pictures and Google.
00:09:50.799 --> 00:09:54.559
I think it's very rare that people meet in the wild anymore.
00:09:54.639 --> 00:09:57.120
I mean, it definitely happens, don't get me wrong.
00:09:57.279 --> 00:10:02.159
But even so, you can still go home and search their social medias or look them up.
00:10:02.480 --> 00:10:32.960
And there's something that I wanted to like dive into there because that's such a trap sometimes, because then we can see someone, we can be attracted to them, and then all of a sudden we're like running with a narrative of what their life looks like and what they do and how that fits in before you've even established any sort of foundation with them, or even maybe even had a conversation or built any connection, or and right now it's just attraction and this crazy narrative that we're running away with.
00:10:33.039 --> 00:10:41.200
I've definitely been guilty of this, and I for sure know that my friends have through conversations I've had with them, that we'll meet someone, right?
00:10:41.440 --> 00:10:43.200
And you're attracted to them.
00:10:43.360 --> 00:10:50.000
Maybe you have a conversation, maybe you've met on a dating app, maybe you've met at a bar, maybe you've met somewhere out in the wilds, like Whole Foods.
00:10:50.159 --> 00:10:52.000
Just throwing out options here.
00:10:52.320 --> 00:10:54.879
And there's an attraction, right?
00:10:55.120 --> 00:11:00.399
And then maybe you get their name or their social media, and then you look them up, and you're like, oh, okay.
00:11:00.639 --> 00:11:10.159
And then you start potentially running with this narrative of like what they do and like making up maybe a story of like what their life looks like.
00:11:10.639 --> 00:11:13.279
Now, this is where a lot of people get stuck.
00:11:13.440 --> 00:11:28.960
And I I see this happen a lot with girlfriends, and I've definitely fallen into this trap where before you even get to know the person and have any sort of idea of who they are, you're creating a fairy tale in your head.
00:11:29.120 --> 00:11:31.759
And I know we don't like to look at this.
00:11:31.919 --> 00:11:34.960
I know that this is like, oh dang, I actually do that.
00:11:35.039 --> 00:11:35.360
Yep.
00:11:35.440 --> 00:11:35.840
Mm-hmm.
00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:38.720
Yes, Jojo, I definitely do this.
00:11:39.200 --> 00:11:41.519
We all do it, and that's fine.
00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:50.240
But this is why we get hurt because we make up an entire story in our head before we have any clue who this person is.
00:11:50.480 --> 00:12:00.879
And specifically Matthew Hussey, he has this book called Love Life, and he talks about the four C's and it's chemistry, connection, compatibility, commitment.
00:12:01.120 --> 00:12:06.000
Now, you can meet someone and be attracted to them and then be like, oh, we have chemistry, we really get along.
00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:09.360
And then you can be like, are we compatible?
00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:10.879
Do we like the same things?
00:12:11.120 --> 00:12:12.799
Are we in the same area?
00:12:12.960 --> 00:12:15.279
Are we in the same places in our lives?
00:12:15.440 --> 00:12:20.080
Are we both interested in maybe similar lifestyles?
00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:26.000
Maybe one person likes to go out and drink really heavily, and the other person is like, I want to be active.
00:12:26.159 --> 00:12:28.559
That's not gonna be a compatible relationship.
00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:38.000
You might really like each other and be really interested in each other, but like at the end of the day, if someone's going out partying all night and the other person wants to get up and take a hike in the morning, your lives are not in parallel.
00:12:38.159 --> 00:12:40.240
So that's compatibility, and then there's commitment.
00:12:40.399 --> 00:12:44.639
Now, this is where people get all sorts of backwards.
00:12:44.960 --> 00:12:46.960
We find someone that we like.
00:12:47.200 --> 00:13:11.679
Oh my gosh, there's chemistry, we get along really well, and then we ignore the rest of it and we jump straight to this fairy tale, and we've built this castle, so to speak, and this story and this narrative in our head that has no foundation to actually show us that this is really a good investment of our time, the right person for us.
00:13:11.919 --> 00:13:13.440
There's literally no foundation.
00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:16.720
It's just like, wow, I found this thing.
00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:18.399
This is not from me, by the way.
00:13:18.559 --> 00:13:30.720
This is this is literally written in a book by Matthew Hussey, where he says, your date that you're on is like when you go and you want to buy a piece of land, and then you like want to build a house.
00:13:30.799 --> 00:13:35.759
It's like you bought the land and all of a sudden you just expect there to be a castle there.
00:13:36.080 --> 00:13:37.120
It's not how it works.
00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:50.559
There's stages to this castle, but we in our heads see the plot of land, see the person, and we're like, oh my God, he has a great job, he's a traveler, whatever it is that we like run away with.
00:13:50.879 --> 00:13:57.840
And then all of a sudden, if we've been on three or four dates, and then we're like, oh, he's not texting me back, oh my gosh.
00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:07.200
We run away with this thing, and we're getting, so to speak, heartbroken or really invested in something that it was just our brains the entire time running away with this story.
00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:10.399
Now, this is where we need to put the brakes on ourselves.
00:14:10.559 --> 00:14:12.799
I'm only speaking from the female lens here.
00:14:12.960 --> 00:14:22.399
I do know that men also do this, probably not to the same extremes that us girlies do it, but we are guilty of this.
00:14:22.639 --> 00:14:24.879
At least once in our lives, we've done this.
00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:30.639
We've seen someone and we've like run away with a story and been like, oh my god, that's our husband or something ridiculous.
00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:31.919
And we're like, we don't even know them.
00:14:32.000 --> 00:14:34.960
And then, of course, there's a crash, and it's like, no.
00:14:36.559 --> 00:14:53.679
So I wanted to offer a different way in and maybe give a little bit more of a perspective shift because I think it's so easy for us to get so wrapped up in that initial chemistry or whatever.
00:14:53.919 --> 00:14:56.240
And then it's all that energy of the wave.
00:14:56.399 --> 00:15:04.399
It's like you see a wave and it has all this energy, and then as it reaches the shore, it loses momentum and it sort of crashes, and then there's there's no more wave, and then another wave comes.
00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:15.440
And that's what I've seen with my girlfriends, with friends, with people I know in stories, and you see it all the time where there's all this momentum, all this energy, and all of a sudden it just dissipates.
00:15:15.519 --> 00:15:16.399
And you're like, what?
00:15:16.480 --> 00:15:17.440
Where did this go?
00:15:17.600 --> 00:15:20.320
Oh my God, why does this keep happening?
00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:30.080
So, what I want to offer is maybe this is happening because of this internal narrative and dialogue that we expect something to be a certain way.
00:15:30.320 --> 00:15:49.840
And I'm gonna use these terms really loosely because I don't mean this in like a narcissistic type of way, but it's almost like if someone is pursuing you so hard in the beginning, like in that love bomby kind of way, again, I don't mean it in that actual term because that is a negative term.
00:15:50.080 --> 00:16:04.159
But if someone is pursued, well, maybe it is a negative thing, but if someone is pursuing you so hardcore and they have no idea who you are, they don't know your beliefs, your morals, your values, your core, your anything.
00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:13.759
They're just like, I see a pretty shiny light and I'm interested, and I'm gonna just like chase this like shiny object until I realize, oh no, not really interested anymore.
00:16:13.919 --> 00:16:15.440
And again, you see this all the time.
00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:20.799
But if that's like the first initial, there's literally no room for ebb and flow.
00:16:20.960 --> 00:16:26.159
You're gonna always expect it to be like so full force and so on, on, on, on, on.
00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:27.279
And that's a lot.
00:16:27.440 --> 00:16:28.879
That's not sustainable.
00:16:29.120 --> 00:16:35.120
A few years ago, I met someone and we immediately clicked.
00:16:35.279 --> 00:16:37.200
We we were together all the time.
00:16:37.440 --> 00:16:43.519
It was very fast and furious in the sense of we started spending all our time together.
00:16:43.679 --> 00:16:49.200
Again, not love bombing, but just very intense very soon.
00:16:49.759 --> 00:16:51.600
And there wasn't that foundation.
00:16:51.759 --> 00:16:56.320
It was the flowers and the dinners and the extra long hours spent together.
00:16:56.480 --> 00:17:00.480
And I mean, it was it was a lot, but it wasn't sustainable.
00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:10.160
And inevitably, once that understanding and really getting to know each other started to happen, we realized we are not compatible at all.
00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:12.640
The way we communicate is so different.
00:17:12.799 --> 00:17:18.240
So it's like we went from chemistry to commitment with nothing else in between.
00:17:18.319 --> 00:17:20.559
And that castle, my God, it crumpled.
00:17:20.720 --> 00:17:22.079
And it crumbled fast.
00:17:22.240 --> 00:17:23.680
It crumbled within months.
00:17:24.000 --> 00:17:29.519
And in that, that can be very hard because you're like, oh my God, they were doing all these things and they stopped.
00:17:29.599 --> 00:17:34.079
And you start to really understand who that person is, and you're like, wait a second, I didn't sign up for this.
00:17:34.319 --> 00:17:49.200
And I think that's pretty challenging for a lot of us because that feeds into our limiting beliefs of I'm I'm not enough, and like no one's ever gonna pick me, or I'm never gonna find my person, or our fear of rejection.
00:17:49.440 --> 00:18:04.400
This can perpetuate this cycle so much because we expect again, expectations like we expect someone to be showing up a hundred percent when they know us zero percent.
00:18:04.559 --> 00:18:10.960
I mean, this is also what Disney and Hollywood and all of the things have kind of created.
00:18:11.279 --> 00:18:17.279
If the story is so intense and it's such a push-pull, the story is never gonna have a good ending.
00:18:17.359 --> 00:18:22.880
You want like that really balanced, true, authentic connection.
00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:26.240
It takes work and it takes time.
00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:34.319
And yes, okay, there are the stories of people that meet and then they're together for 60 years for the rest of their lives.
00:18:34.799 --> 00:18:38.799
And they knew immediately and it was instant, and they just clicked and the end.
00:18:38.960 --> 00:18:54.720
Let's also remember how much society has changed, how much the digital age has changed, how much dating has changed, how accessibility is different, how people are actually learning more and doing more around the dating, around mental health, around all of these things.
00:18:55.200 --> 00:19:06.079
And our grandparents, while it is a beautiful thing, and it is possible, still today, for sure, it's not the norm.
00:19:06.480 --> 00:19:13.839
And the norm is we meet someone on a dating app or we meet them in the wild, and then all of a sudden, like we're together all the time and all of this stuff.
00:19:13.920 --> 00:19:18.319
And then you then you hear about the fade out or the fizzle or the crash and the burn.
00:19:18.559 --> 00:19:23.839
That's really where things go sideways for us, for them, for everyone.
00:19:24.079 --> 00:19:29.680
Everyone involved, for our friends that have to hear about it for the next 900 days because we don't shut up about it.
00:19:29.839 --> 00:19:32.000
And this is where I want to shift all of it.
00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:37.440
So I was talking to a friend recently, they shared something with me that really hit home.
00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:47.839
And it was such a beautiful analogy and metaphor that I really wanted to share this because I think this is a beautiful way to think about how relationships really are built.
00:19:48.079 --> 00:20:16.319
When you plant a seed and you expect it to grow, you don't stare at it, you don't keep watering it every 45 seconds, you don't hover over it, you plant the seed, you give it light, you give it space, you give it sun, you give it the adequate amount of water, and you go and you cut the dead leaves when they come, you trim it, you take care of it and you nurture it, but you let it be.
00:20:17.039 --> 00:20:20.079
You're not up on that plant all the time.
00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:29.279
And then when the flower grows, you're not like pulling apart all the petals and like examining every little detail.
00:20:29.680 --> 00:20:32.480
The same thing when you start a relationship.
00:20:32.640 --> 00:20:39.519
You plant a seed, you plant a foundation or an intention of I want to get to know this person.
00:20:39.680 --> 00:20:42.640
But that doesn't mean you're texting back and forth 24-7.
00:20:42.960 --> 00:20:43.839
They have their own lives.
00:20:44.000 --> 00:20:52.000
You guys are two different people with your own friends, lives, jobs, families, interests, hobbies, the list goes on.
00:20:52.319 --> 00:20:58.640
If you're like too much all at once, that it's not even something yet, you're gonna drown it.
00:20:58.799 --> 00:21:01.599
If I'm watering my plant too much, it's just gonna die.
00:21:01.759 --> 00:21:22.480
So when you step back after you've planted that seed in a relationship and you give it time, you give it the space, you do talk, you check in, you know, you really get to know each other and you build that foundation, you find that plot of land, you get the right pieces, you build the house, you build the castle, and you make sure that like you really are getting to know the person.
00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:27.119
To go back to those four C's, the chemistry is the seed, the seed's planted.
00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:28.960
Now comes in connection.
00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:33.599
We have a really strong foundation of communication and trust and whatever.
00:21:33.759 --> 00:21:37.359
And then there's compatibility, same stages in life.
00:21:37.519 --> 00:21:39.759
You might really like each other, but are you compatible?
00:21:39.920 --> 00:21:45.279
And getting to know those parts and not running away with the story before the story's even written.
00:21:45.519 --> 00:21:47.599
We love to write the story in our head.
00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:50.000
We never let the story unfold without control.
00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:51.920
So, what happens if we just release?
00:21:52.160 --> 00:21:53.599
Yeah, that's terrifying.
00:21:53.759 --> 00:21:55.359
The unknown is freaky.
00:21:55.519 --> 00:21:56.480
I get it.
00:21:56.799 --> 00:21:57.599
I'm there.
00:21:57.759 --> 00:21:59.519
I'm with you guys 100%.
00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:01.039
That's why I'm talking about this.
00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:05.680
But how boring is a book if you pick it up and you read the last page.
00:22:05.839 --> 00:22:06.480
There's no point.
00:22:06.559 --> 00:22:07.839
You already know what happens.
00:22:08.079 --> 00:22:09.920
And also with expectations.
00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:25.039
And if you already know the direction your life's going, there's no room for excitement, for spontaneity, for growth, for change, for transformation, for adjusting, for play, for just anything that's out of the ordinary.
00:22:25.200 --> 00:22:34.160
And I can't tell you, just on a personal note, how many times I've planned something, like a date or or anything.
00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:36.079
And it just, you know, it doesn't work out.
00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:37.519
It doesn't like go to plan.
00:22:37.680 --> 00:22:44.160
The best times I've ever had with anyone is when it's just spur of the moment and you just flow.
00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:47.759
We're so rigid these days.
00:22:47.920 --> 00:22:50.880
We're so wanting to control and hold on.
00:22:50.960 --> 00:22:53.279
And what's this doing and where's this going?
00:22:53.359 --> 00:22:53.759
And uh.
00:22:54.640 --> 00:22:56.640
And we don't just let it be.
00:22:56.799 --> 00:22:58.960
Again, 1 million percent guilty.
00:22:59.119 --> 00:23:03.440
I can't sit here and say, like, I don't do this, because I a thousand percent do it.
00:23:03.599 --> 00:23:10.400
But it's the mental gymnastics that you have to do with yourself in order to not continue in these cycles.
00:23:10.559 --> 00:23:11.680
Because what's the alternative?
00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:15.519
You're just gonna fall back into the same repetitive cycles that we already know.
00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:16.960
We already know they don't work.
00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:18.160
Maybe they work for the 1%.
00:23:18.799 --> 00:23:26.559
But what I do know is there is a different way to think about this, to reframe this, and to have this unfold.
00:23:26.720 --> 00:23:40.640
So once that seed's planted and that flower grows, and you you give it the water, the sun, the space, the time, the air, the room to breathe, then you can really see is this a flower that I like?
00:23:40.799 --> 00:23:42.960
There's this beautiful quote that I found by Dr.
00:23:43.039 --> 00:23:43.440
Bolu.
00:23:43.839 --> 00:23:46.799
I think Jay Shetty was the one that posted it, but it's originally from Dr.
00:23:46.880 --> 00:23:47.200
Bolu.
00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:54.000
And it says, When people fall in love with someone's flowers, but not their roots, they don't know what to do when autumn comes.
00:23:54.319 --> 00:24:06.079
Your relationships need to be built on deep alignment on values, character, morals, which are the roots, not just love, appearance, hobby, status, which are the flowers.
00:24:06.400 --> 00:24:23.680
I'm not sure if that resonates with anyone, but for me, it really signifies where we get stuck and also how we get stuck, and how we run away with these stories that just keep us in the same feedback loop.
00:24:23.920 --> 00:24:31.920
Because now when you really take time and you step back and you don't run away with a story, and this is where the work is.
00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:34.160
This is where the mess starts.
00:24:34.319 --> 00:24:39.440
The mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of all of this really come into play.
00:24:39.599 --> 00:24:43.279
And this is where we get healthier with our approach in.
00:24:43.359 --> 00:24:45.680
Because again, it's not really about them.
00:24:46.000 --> 00:24:47.920
And I want to make that so clear.
00:24:48.160 --> 00:25:02.079
Everything that I say is not a projection on what anyone else does, it's a reflection on how we are in our lives and how we can really go inside and create the life that we want on the outside.
00:25:02.240 --> 00:25:12.720
And if we're not breaking these things down and really understanding or reflecting or changing the patterns in our lives that don't work, we're never gonna get different results.
00:25:13.039 --> 00:25:14.160
This is hard.
00:25:14.319 --> 00:25:20.960
To change in real time is hard because we can tell ourselves all day long when I meet someone, I'll do this.
00:25:21.200 --> 00:25:22.079
No, no, no.
00:25:22.319 --> 00:25:25.279
You can tell yourself that as much as you want.
00:25:25.519 --> 00:25:28.559
The most important thing is when that person's standing in front of you.
00:25:28.720 --> 00:25:30.079
That's when it gets hard.
00:25:30.240 --> 00:25:31.920
And that's when you have to implement it.
00:25:32.000 --> 00:25:33.839
And it's so easy not to implement it.
00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:37.200
It's so easy to go back to those same patterns of, oh, I just want to text them.
00:25:37.279 --> 00:25:39.920
I want to like have constant communication, I just want to blah, blah, blah.
00:25:40.319 --> 00:25:40.640
No.
00:25:41.039 --> 00:25:43.599
Stop, pause, wait, reactive.
00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:45.359
No, we're not doing that.
00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:48.319
Because that's not, again, that's not sustainable.
00:25:48.480 --> 00:25:49.119
Because then what?
00:25:49.279 --> 00:25:52.160
If they have a busy day at work, what is that gonna feed?
00:25:52.319 --> 00:25:55.680
Your same narrative of like, I'm not enough, oh, they don't like me.
00:25:56.079 --> 00:25:57.839
It just feeds our insecurities.
00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:01.759
And then it's like the chase and the pullback and all this stuff because it's not natural.
00:26:01.920 --> 00:26:09.359
I realized something recently too, and I'm not a big texter, but if I like someone, I obviously like want to talk to them all the time.
00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:12.000
Like that's I think that's very human and very natural.
00:26:12.240 --> 00:26:17.119
But it's fighting that urge to do that because that's the waterboarding, that's drowning that seed.
00:26:17.200 --> 00:26:22.559
That's like the too much too soon too fast when you don't even know each other and that's not even earned yet.
00:26:22.880 --> 00:26:33.839
It's like you're trying to like make a relationship a relationship with without any work, without any foundation, without any knowledge of the person or who they are, really, truly.
00:26:34.079 --> 00:26:44.799
But also, if we're being honest with ourselves and we send a text to someone we like or we're talking to or we're dating, and they don't respond, and that triggers that feedback loop of, well, what are they doing?
00:26:44.960 --> 00:26:46.400
Maybe they're like not interested.
00:26:46.640 --> 00:26:47.599
We gotta look at that.
00:26:47.759 --> 00:27:04.880
And then we have to really do the inner work to get that limiting belief or that negative thought out because what, that's just gonna happen every single time that they are busy and have a busy day or like they're exhausted and they just don't have the mental capacity, whatever it is.
00:27:05.039 --> 00:27:14.559
I mean, yes, everyone can take two seconds and communicate, but having that expectation that someone should show up for you the way that you think they should is just a dead end disaster.
00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:20.400
How many times have you sent a text to a friend and it takes them a couple days to get back and you don't sweat it at all?
00:27:20.480 --> 00:27:22.160
You're like, yeah, well, that's just them.
00:27:22.240 --> 00:27:23.759
Like, I'm gonna hear from them eventually.
00:27:23.920 --> 00:27:24.319
Hello?
00:27:24.400 --> 00:27:30.400
Like, why don't we give that same grace, space, and acknowledgement to the person we're talking to?
00:27:30.559 --> 00:27:32.160
They do not owe us anything.
00:27:32.240 --> 00:27:33.519
This is the beginning.
00:27:33.680 --> 00:27:37.440
Like your best friends might not respond to you for five days and like you're fine with it.
00:27:37.519 --> 00:27:38.319
You're like, I get it.
00:27:38.400 --> 00:27:38.880
They have a life.
00:27:38.960 --> 00:27:44.079
Okay, so does your person, so does your partner, so does the guy that you like or the girl you like.
00:27:44.240 --> 00:27:45.759
Everyone has their lives.
00:27:45.920 --> 00:27:51.440
You can't just expect the minute that you meet someone for them to be all up about you.
00:27:51.599 --> 00:27:52.480
They don't know you.
00:27:52.640 --> 00:27:53.440
You don't know them.
00:27:53.599 --> 00:27:57.279
Stop writing a silly story that has no basis in reality.
00:27:57.519 --> 00:27:59.839
Really get to know them and chill.
00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:05.680
Take a beat, take a hard beat, and stop yourself in your tracks and be like, yo, it's cool.
00:28:05.839 --> 00:28:06.880
I don't know you.
00:28:07.119 --> 00:28:11.599
And I'm not writing a silly story that's gonna hurt me later on down the road.
00:28:11.680 --> 00:28:13.680
Because how many times do you actually like get to know someone?
00:28:13.759 --> 00:28:15.680
You're like, actually, we're just not compatible.
00:28:15.839 --> 00:28:18.559
You're good with it because you know it's just not it.
00:28:18.720 --> 00:28:25.839
So give yourself that same exact compassion and grace to do that with someone that, yeah, you might be really attracted to them.
00:28:25.920 --> 00:28:28.559
You might have great chemistry, you might have a really strong connection.
00:28:28.799 --> 00:28:31.039
Okay, well, let's make sure the other C's are there.
00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:33.119
Compatibility, commitment.
00:28:33.200 --> 00:28:42.799
And if you're the one just writing a silly story and running away with the narrative, you're creating false expectations and you're only ever gonna be let down by it.
00:28:42.960 --> 00:28:48.960
In those beginning phases, you really get to know if you're just getting attention or if there is intention.
00:28:49.039 --> 00:28:53.680
Because someone can text you all day long and it just is that feedback loop of attention.
00:28:53.839 --> 00:28:55.599
But they're not being intentional.
00:28:55.759 --> 00:28:59.200
They're not actually putting out anything or building anything.
00:28:59.279 --> 00:29:00.880
It's just like, oh, I did this or oh, I did.
00:29:01.039 --> 00:29:03.039
It's like, it's kind of just like a pen pal.
00:29:03.279 --> 00:29:05.119
Are they being intentional with your time?
00:29:05.359 --> 00:29:07.119
Are they actually investing in you?
00:29:07.279 --> 00:29:09.119
Is it talking and action?
00:29:09.279 --> 00:29:16.559
That's another thing that we just completely throw out the window when we meet someone that we're attracted to and we like.
00:29:16.880 --> 00:29:20.240
We don't actually take the time to be like, oh, are they being intentional?
00:29:20.400 --> 00:29:22.880
Oh my God, I'm getting all the attention, but are they being intentional?
00:29:23.039 --> 00:29:26.720
And are they putting in the action that they are saying with their words?
00:29:26.880 --> 00:29:28.640
Like, are they actually aligned?
00:29:28.799 --> 00:29:40.319
Because another thing is someone can future bomb us when someone is like, oh, we'll do this at this state, or we'll go here in this time, or oh, I can't wait for you to like see where I grew up.
00:29:40.400 --> 00:29:42.799
And it's like, wait a second, hold on.
00:29:43.119 --> 00:29:47.200
You're you're planting seeds for the future, but there's no foundation in the present.
00:29:47.359 --> 00:29:52.000
And we get so stuck in that when there's no action.
00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:53.920
Did they call you and they said they would?
00:29:54.079 --> 00:30:01.279
Are there talk and actions lining up in the present day, or are you just holding out because they said something they were gonna do in the future?
00:30:01.599 --> 00:30:04.400
Get real with yourself, look at it, really unpack it.
00:30:04.480 --> 00:30:05.680
It's not gonna be comfortable.
00:30:05.920 --> 00:30:09.680
And it shouldn't be because you're breaking patterns, you're breaking cycles.
00:30:09.920 --> 00:30:13.920
And anytime you do something new, it's the unknown and it's scary.
00:30:14.160 --> 00:30:21.200
We're so used to the familiar and we're so used to what we've always done and what we know that it's so easy to go back to that.
00:30:21.359 --> 00:30:32.799
To, oh, I'm just gonna text him, or oh, he's not responding, so I'm just gonna call him, or I'm just gonna, you know, no, stop, put your phone down, take a beat, and figure out why you're doing this.
00:30:33.119 --> 00:30:41.519
Because if it's coming from lack and the scarcity mindset of, oh my god, they're not, then no, we're ending that right here, today, right now.
00:30:41.680 --> 00:30:47.359
I went into a relationship with someone, amazing person, but I went into that relationship from lack.
00:30:47.519 --> 00:31:05.759
And it was because the previous relationship that I was in, I was so deprived of intention, commitment, all the things, that once someone showed me what I really wanted and what I was lacking so much, it almost didn't matter who they were.
00:31:06.000 --> 00:31:08.799
It was that that's what they were bringing to the table.
00:31:08.960 --> 00:31:14.720
And because I was in so much lack, that seed that was planted was a negative seed.
00:31:15.039 --> 00:31:17.920
And what grew in that relationship was only lack.
00:31:18.160 --> 00:31:22.559
Because I went into it from lack, which doesn't breed any sort of healthy relationship.
00:31:22.720 --> 00:31:27.119
And unfortunately, because of that, it caused a lot of pain in a lot of ways.
00:31:27.279 --> 00:31:37.039
If I had just done the work before and knew that this was not a healthy, balanced way to enter a relationship, I wouldn't have done it.
00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:40.240
And you know, we all make mistakes and there's trial and error.
00:31:40.319 --> 00:31:44.400
And I'm not saying that relationship is a mistake or that anything that happened was a mistake.
00:31:44.559 --> 00:31:45.839
I see it as a blessing.
00:31:45.920 --> 00:31:49.599
I see it as a beautiful way through life and learning.
00:31:49.839 --> 00:31:53.599
But it brought me here today to be able to be like, well, let's shift this.
00:31:53.759 --> 00:31:56.079
What is the positive seed that we can plant?
00:31:56.319 --> 00:32:23.759
If you're just looking to fill a lack and get that energy and get that quick fix, that dopamine hit, I would advise you to sit down and fill your own cup, build out your life so that when they're not responding, when life is lifing, that you're not repeating those negative thought patterns and cycles in yourself, thus maybe projecting them onto that person and creating something that just didn't need to be there in the first place.
00:32:23.920 --> 00:32:30.079
Because let's say they didn't talk to you for a week and then they finally reach out and you're like, hello, where have you been?
00:32:30.480 --> 00:32:36.240
And there's that like tinge of tinge of whatever, like negativity, or you're just like resentful.
00:32:36.480 --> 00:32:44.000
No, you have a life, you have friends, you have hobbies, you have interests, you have a career, you have things that you're doing.
00:32:44.319 --> 00:32:47.200
Fill it, do it, live it.
00:32:48.000 --> 00:32:48.880
Choose yourself.
00:32:49.039 --> 00:32:50.799
If you don't choose yourself, no one's gonna choose you.
00:32:50.880 --> 00:32:52.000
You've heard that a million times.
00:32:52.160 --> 00:32:52.480
I know.
00:32:52.640 --> 00:32:53.440
I'm serious.
00:32:53.599 --> 00:33:00.240
Like if you don't fill your life, and then they come, they talk to you or whatever, and they're have a busy week or whatever it is.
00:33:00.400 --> 00:33:02.799
And I'm I'm not saying like this is what happens in a relationship.
00:33:02.880 --> 00:33:07.359
I'm saying like in the beginning of a relationship or just like getting to know someone or whatever.
00:33:07.519 --> 00:33:13.839
But you better have had stuff going on for yourself that you weren't just sitting there waiting for them because that person's not gonna be like, that's hot.
00:33:14.000 --> 00:33:16.559
Yeah, she's got nothing going on, cool.
00:33:16.960 --> 00:33:20.480
No, literally, absolutely not.
00:33:20.640 --> 00:33:26.880
They're gonna feel needed, like icky, they're gonna feel that pushback because it's like, hold on, why do you need like what?
00:33:27.039 --> 00:33:28.000
You're your own person.
00:33:28.160 --> 00:33:29.519
What did you do before me?
00:33:29.759 --> 00:33:34.480
And honestly, what we probably did before them was put all of our lack in someone else and tried to fill that with someone else.
00:33:34.640 --> 00:33:35.440
Maybe, who knows?
00:33:35.599 --> 00:33:36.400
I've definitely done it.
00:33:36.480 --> 00:33:40.079
That's why you always hear love yourself before you love someone else.
00:33:40.319 --> 00:33:44.079
Because you really do have to love your life and you really do have to have a life.
00:33:44.319 --> 00:33:50.240
Because otherwise, what are you just gonna attach and glob onto someone else's and then expect them to just like be the source of your life?
00:33:50.480 --> 00:33:52.640
Let's get back to ourselves.
00:33:52.799 --> 00:34:00.400
Let's really focus on how we can do the work and not be like, well, they're not talking to me and they don't care and they don't know.
00:34:00.559 --> 00:34:02.880
I want someone to count how many times I said no this episode.
00:34:03.039 --> 00:34:04.559
It starts from the inside out.
00:34:04.720 --> 00:34:06.880
So let's break it down in the mess.
00:34:07.039 --> 00:34:07.440
Mental.
00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:08.480
We talked about it, right?
00:34:08.639 --> 00:34:41.039
We get really clear on our lives, what we want, being really intentional, planting a healthy seed, not coming from lack, being really solid, and not running away with a story or a narrative emotionally, not getting attached to that narrative, just understanding, okay, I'm interested in this person, but then letting it unfold and letting it be a natural ebb and flow and give and take, and watering that seed and taking a step back and not pulling apart the flower and analyzing every little petal.
00:34:41.199 --> 00:34:44.960
You're gonna look at the rose and be like, oh my God, I just destroyed it.
00:34:45.440 --> 00:34:47.119
Don't do that to your relationship.
00:34:47.280 --> 00:34:51.760
Emotionally fill yourself and spiritually, it's rewiring these patterns.
00:34:51.920 --> 00:34:57.920
It's going into those places and figuring out how we can change these patterns and these thoughts.
00:34:58.079 --> 00:35:09.039
I think another little key tidb is we get caught up in the story when we start telling our friends, oh my God, he did this, oh my god, they did that.
00:35:09.199 --> 00:35:14.719
And you start romanticizing it and repeating it and playing it out and telling everyone.
00:35:14.960 --> 00:35:17.199
What happens if you just zipped your mouth?
00:35:17.360 --> 00:35:20.400
Yeah, I'm talking to someone, getting to know them.
00:35:20.639 --> 00:35:37.199
And you just didn't let this story run rampant in your brain and having to tell everyone every step of the way, and we just let it unfold instead of, you know, hearing our friends' feedback and oh my gosh, and wow, I can't believe he this or whatever.
00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:44.800
It's like honestly, if you don't hear from this person for a few days and you told your friend that, they're probably gonna be like, oh my God, well, that's crazy.
00:35:44.960 --> 00:35:46.079
Like he doesn't even like you.
00:35:46.159 --> 00:35:55.199
And then now you're telling yourself a whole story that's probably so untrue, and he's probably just having his life or doing his thing.
00:35:55.440 --> 00:35:58.400
And he will talk to you, or they will talk to you when they talk to you.
00:35:58.559 --> 00:36:02.400
And also, you could be the one that's just like, I'm busy, like I'll get to it when I get to it.
00:36:02.480 --> 00:36:05.760
It's not because you don't like the person, it's just because, again, you have a life.
00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:10.079
So have a life and have a full life.
00:36:10.320 --> 00:36:21.360
Spiritually, doing this work and really pulling yourself back and understanding these cycles, and again, not coming from lack and really letting it be will change a lot for you.
00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:39.599
Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, we just need to realign and reframe everything that we put out, how we communicate, how we show up, and really just let things flow without control, without needing answers, and just letting things be.
00:36:39.920 --> 00:36:46.559
Because if you really do believe in this like I do, what is meant for you will never pass you by.
00:36:46.719 --> 00:36:48.960
What is meant for you will always be for you.
00:36:49.119 --> 00:36:52.639
And no matter what, you can't ever really control anything.
00:36:52.800 --> 00:36:57.760
And if you put expectations on anything, you're gonna be let down because things happen.
00:36:58.079 --> 00:36:59.440
Life happens.
00:37:00.079 --> 00:37:05.440
And especially when you bring expectations and project them on someone else, it's when things really fall apart.
00:37:05.519 --> 00:37:08.400
Because how are they ever gonna be able to fulfill anything?
00:37:08.719 --> 00:37:13.920
You should set expectations for how you show up and how you are for yourself.
00:37:14.159 --> 00:37:16.159
Expectation on you is fine.
00:37:16.400 --> 00:37:17.760
Expectations on someone else.
00:37:17.920 --> 00:37:20.880
That's where we get really, really stuck.
00:37:24.400 --> 00:37:46.639
That was Ruth before romance, and that was recorded about a year and a half ago, and and listening to that again after everything that's happened, after the relationship ruiners episode, after that phone call and catching myself in real time, it kind of just hits a different, at least for me.
00:37:46.800 --> 00:37:56.559
And here's what I realized: all four of those relationship ruiners, blame, reliance, projection, expectation, they're all symptoms of the same problem.
00:37:56.719 --> 00:38:02.159
They're all what happens when you completely skip the roots and go straight to the flowers.
00:38:02.320 --> 00:38:10.480
When you blame someone for how they feel, you're expecting them to be responsible for your roots, your foundation, for your healing.
00:38:10.639 --> 00:38:22.639
And when you rely on someone to complete you, you're trying to build a castle on their plot of land instead of your own or my new thing.
00:38:23.199 --> 00:38:27.840
Finding a plot of land for the two of you to build.
00:38:28.159 --> 00:38:33.920
Because I want to get into this in another episode, but you shouldn't just merge two worlds.
00:38:34.079 --> 00:38:38.880
It should be three: your world, their world, and your shared world.
00:38:39.199 --> 00:38:44.800
So build it on a mutual plot of land that you both own.
00:38:45.440 --> 00:38:50.639
When you project your past onto them, you're not even seeing the seed in front of you.
00:38:50.800 --> 00:38:54.320
You're seeing a completely different plant entirely.
00:38:54.639 --> 00:39:00.639
You're seeing your ex, you're seeing your your mom, you're seeing whatever the situation is, your teacher.
00:39:00.719 --> 00:39:12.400
And when you hold unspoken expectations, when you don't communicate your needs, you're demanding that the flowers bloom exactly how you want them to on your timeline without giving it space to naturally grow.
00:39:12.559 --> 00:39:16.079
Guys, none of this actually works when you do it like that.
00:39:16.239 --> 00:39:20.400
None of it builds a sustainable and healthy relationship.
00:39:20.480 --> 00:39:24.079
And I think if we're honest with ourselves, that's what we all are looking for.
00:39:24.239 --> 00:39:34.079
So what I want to leave you with today is if you're in the early stages of getting to know someone, whether that's romantically, a new friendship, whatever it is, ask yourself.
00:39:34.400 --> 00:39:42.079
Or if you've had lifelong friends, still ask yourself this Am I watering the seed or am I drowning it?
00:39:42.320 --> 00:39:51.199
And even if it's a well-established relationship, you can still pivot, you can still make the change in real time, you can still choose differently.
00:39:51.360 --> 00:39:54.639
And ask yourself, are you giving it space to grow?
00:39:54.960 --> 00:40:00.880
Or are you hovering over it, analyzing every little detail, pulling apart all the petals to see if it's right?
00:40:01.280 --> 00:40:03.519
Are you seeing that person for who they actually are?
00:40:03.679 --> 00:40:07.599
Or are you seeing them through the filter of who hurt you before?
00:40:07.760 --> 00:40:15.679
And if you catch yourself doing any of those things, any of the blame, reliance, projection, expectation, and don't beat yourself up.
00:40:15.840 --> 00:40:16.639
Just notice it.
00:40:16.800 --> 00:40:17.280
Name it.
00:40:17.440 --> 00:40:19.360
And then you can choose differently in that moment.
00:40:19.519 --> 00:40:21.199
That's what I did on that phone call.
00:40:21.360 --> 00:40:22.400
I noticed it.
00:40:22.559 --> 00:40:23.519
I named it.
00:40:23.760 --> 00:40:29.119
And I ended up choosing to respond from awareness instead of woundedness.
00:40:29.199 --> 00:40:30.400
And that shifted everything.
00:40:30.559 --> 00:40:34.480
There's something I heard once that I just want to bring back quickly.
00:40:34.719 --> 00:40:44.960
That is, I'm gonna butcher this quote, but it's along the lines of the person who's stronger is the one that falls and catches themselves versus the one that never falls at all.
00:40:45.119 --> 00:40:55.440
And if you are falling, and by that I mean catching, like actually doing these patterns, but catching yourself, that's where growth happens.
00:40:55.599 --> 00:40:57.440
So don't beat yourself up for it.
00:40:57.679 --> 00:40:59.679
Okay, let's get messy with this.
00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:02.079
Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
00:41:02.559 --> 00:41:07.920
Mentally, where are you still writing stories that haven't been written yet?
00:41:08.079 --> 00:41:14.239
And what I mean by that is where are you projecting your past relationships onto your present person?
00:41:14.400 --> 00:41:20.079
Where are you expecting someone to show up for you in ways you haven't even communicated?
00:41:20.320 --> 00:41:21.119
Get honest.
00:41:21.280 --> 00:41:22.480
Maybe write it down.
00:41:22.719 --> 00:41:24.239
Name that pattern.
00:41:24.639 --> 00:41:26.239
Writing is so powerful.
00:41:26.400 --> 00:41:27.519
I highly suggest it.
00:41:27.760 --> 00:41:32.480
Emotionally, what would you feel if you stopped projecting?
00:41:32.719 --> 00:41:45.119
If you stopped expecting, if you actually let someone show you who they are instead of just assuming they're gonna be like everyone else who hurt you before, would you feel vulnerable, exposed, out of control?
00:41:46.880 --> 00:41:54.800
I dare you to sit with that discomfort because on the other side of that discomfort is real connection.
00:41:54.960 --> 00:41:56.960
And that's what I also experienced on the phone.
00:41:57.119 --> 00:42:00.719
Spiritually, what if what if?
00:42:01.599 --> 00:42:06.800
Seriously though, what if the right person doesn't need you to perform?
00:42:06.960 --> 00:42:14.719
What if they don't need you to prove yourself or water that seed 24-7 will pull apart all the petals to make sure it's perfect?
00:42:14.880 --> 00:42:25.920
What if you trusted that when you plant a healthy seed, when you show up whole, aware, and responsible, the right relationship will grow naturally?
00:42:26.239 --> 00:42:31.440
And to that same point, what if the wrong relationships fall away?
00:42:31.519 --> 00:42:34.639
Not because you're not enough, but because they're not aligned.
00:42:34.800 --> 00:42:36.159
Can you trust that?
00:42:36.800 --> 00:42:40.079
Alright, friends, here's your homework for this week.
00:42:40.239 --> 00:42:46.719
If you haven't listened fully through the Relationship Ruiners episode, go back and listen to it.
00:42:46.960 --> 00:42:50.079
Pick one of the patterns and track it.
00:42:50.400 --> 00:42:52.159
Notice what comes up.
00:42:52.559 --> 00:42:55.039
Notice what story you're telling yourself.
00:42:55.440 --> 00:42:59.280
And then choose differently in the moment.
00:43:00.960 --> 00:43:02.400
That's the work, you guys.
00:43:02.480 --> 00:43:04.159
That's how we break the cycles.
00:43:04.400 --> 00:43:13.760
And if you want to share what you're noticing, feel free to DM me on Instagram at underscoreinsideout.podcast or leave a comment on my Substack, DM me on Substack.
00:43:14.239 --> 00:43:15.920
Because I do want to hear from you.
00:43:16.159 --> 00:43:20.079
Because this work we're doing it, we're doing it together.
00:43:20.320 --> 00:43:27.039
So you guys know where to find me again at underscoreinsideout.podcast, Substack, everything's linked in the show notes.
00:43:27.199 --> 00:43:32.320
And if this episode helped you see something you hadn't seen before, share it with three people.
00:43:32.800 --> 00:43:37.039
Because I guarantee you that there's someone in your life that needs to hear this right now.
00:43:37.440 --> 00:43:39.519
Alright, guys, have a beautiful week.
00:43:39.840 --> 00:43:41.280
See you next Wednesday.
00:43:41.599 --> 00:43:42.239
Bye.
