WEBVTT
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Matt Brookins presents Illinois Hellhole.
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Previously on Illinois Hellhole.
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It's the definitive guide to hell holes.
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It could literally save your soul.
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Oh, I'll totally skim it.
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If a mortal falls in, the power of Satan will grant the wish of the one who last spoke to the victim.
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Have you seen a stranger from another time?
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The stranger is the previous wisher who has been sent to tempt a mortal to take their place in hell.
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Ned confronted that stranger.
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You're literally from hell.
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Ah, hell, Michigan.
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Yeah, it's right outside of Ann Arbor.
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I'm your great-great-grandfather.
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Say what?
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And Lenore found something on the mantle.
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This belongs to Rucker, motherfucker.
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I'm heading to town.
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You want anything?
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Answers, Moose.
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I want answers.
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At the busted bottle, Raben and Ned have returned to the bar.
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Cheryl delivers two whiskies.
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Two 10 a.m.
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whiskies.
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Here's two.
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Ned slams his drink.
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Today drinking.
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Rabin drinks his with a wink.
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Ned, we're family.
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I can't let you go to hell.
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It'd be rude.
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Ha, sure.
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Even if it means you won't have to go back.
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Being back out here in the sunshine again has made me realize that life is precious.
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I mean, there's Wi-Fi now, Ned.
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Wi-Fi! You take what happiness you're given and you just be thankful for it.
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Sharing love is its own reward.
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Sharing love is its own reward.
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I just found the joy of being good.
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Now you know what's going on.
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I can help you find redemption too.
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Get you back on the path of righteousness, huh?
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There's still hope.
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You you think?
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You're not in hell yet.
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Uh Springfield is hell adjacent.
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Simultaneously, in the cornfield, Lenore carefully peers over the edge of the hellhole.
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That is one big hole.
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Lenore turns and begins to walk off.
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Hey! Hey!
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Lenore paces as she chats.
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She doesn't notice the demon hand attached to the super long arm coming out of the pit.
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The hand feels around for her, patting the ground.
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It keeps missing her as she paces.
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I just wanted to say, and this is really hard, I may have been a little grumpy last night, and I apologize.
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Uh, put a pin in that.
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Can I ask you something, inscrutable?
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As soon as I Google that word.
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Did Rucker fall in the hellhole on your farm?
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What?
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No.
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Unaware, Lenore steps directly on the demon hand.
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She really crushes it under her unique, bedazzled heels.
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What?
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No.
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Ha ha! That's just Cuckoo.
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He died in town.
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If he fell in the hole, how could his body be buried at Oak Ridge?
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Come on, logic with me here.
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Lenore shifts her weight, stepping away.
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The demonic hand is released and swipes at her.
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It misses.
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I mean, of course you're right.
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It's good hearing your voice.
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Bye.
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Goodbye.
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Hey, Lenore, please be careful, okay?
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I'm always careful.
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Lenore hangs up.
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The demon hand sets an ear of corn behind her foot.
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It extends up high and taps her shoulder.
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Surprised, she turns and slips on the corn.
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Lenore tumbles into the pit.
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Flailing, she grabs a corn stalk, clinging to it, dangling from the edge.
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Oh God, thank you, corn.
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I've always loved you, corn.
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She tries to climb up by grabbing an ear of corn, but it tears and falls.
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The stalk begins to uproot.
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She tries to climb again, but the next ear of corn also gives way.
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Damn you, corn! I don't even know if you're a grain or a vegetable!
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Suddenly the demon hand rises up next to her, grasping the ear of corn.
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The demon hand begins squatting her with the corn.
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She chomps into the hand.
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Purple blood gushes from her teeth.
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The hand flies down the pit.
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Lenore scrambles up the corn stalk and out of the hole.
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I beat you, you demon son of a bitch!
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She defiantly kicks an ear of corn down the hellhole.
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Suddenly, corn comes launching out of the pit as if fired by a gatling gun.
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She covers her head as she is buried.
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No! No!
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Meanwhile, back at the busted bottle, Ned and Raven casually continue their day drinking.
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So, what are your goals?
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Let's work on something positive.
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Keep you on the sunny side.
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The up and up.
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Well, I wish the band would take off.
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Back at the hell hole, trapped under heaps of corn, Lenore opens her eyes to see the hand.
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It wags a finger at her, then slaps her across the face.
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Snarling, Lenore grabs it by the wrist.
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Then the left hand appears, cupping behind Lenore's ear to help her hear.
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Ned's voice comes echoing from the hellhole.
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Wish the band would take off.
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The band would take off.
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She is pulled, screaming, into the hellhole by the demon hands.
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Ned Fisher, you were the biggest mistake in my life.
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Back at the busted bottle, Ned gets a zoom notification from Sheena.
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Uh excuse me, my ex is zooming me.
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Zooming?
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Oh, she's gonna run by you really fast and slap you in the face?
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What no, that's okay.
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Slap you in the face while she's at full speed! Zoom! Ah, forget it.
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If this were the 30s, you'd be laughing.
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Outside the restaurant, Ned violently fixes his hair and answers the zoom call.
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Ned! Neddy! Baby, baby, baby! Holy shit, you did it! I'm so proud of you.
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To be honest, I never thought you had it in you.
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Please, Sheena, of course I did.
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Uh what did I do again?
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You're joking, right?
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Your influencer famous.
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Look!
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A video pops up on Ned's phone.
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In the video, a normal-looking kid gets rejected by a girl, then suddenly turns into an over-the-top emo kid and is crying.
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With eyeliner running.
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Okay, so it's a video where a normie kid suddenly turns cartoonishly emo and sad when a mild rejection happens.
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So?
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Sound up, lover! That's your music!
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Oh no, I should sue them.
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They don't have permission to Looks like someone named Lenore uploaded it and linked your band.
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You're not dating her, are you?
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That would break my heart, baby.
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Look at the numbers you're getting.
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Twenty trillion?
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Million, babe.
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But that's still good.
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Kids are like virally using your song to make videos everywhere in the world right now.
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Wait, so I'm famous?
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You're an influencer.
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Listen, Nedry.
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I'm sorry we ended the way we did.
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I miss you.
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Where are you these days?
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Illinois.
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Chicago's an incredible city.
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I could do that.
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Downstate, central Illinois, Springfield.
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I mean, I could endure that for a while.
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Why don't I crash at your place?
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We have a lot of making up to do.
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You're kidding, right?
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I'm a famous influencer now.
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Get in line, Sheena.
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Ned, don't do this!
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Peace out.
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Peace out.
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Ned hangs up, relishing the moment.
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Suddenly, Moose comes running up to him, breathless.
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Cuzz! Cuz! Lenore put our album on social media.
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And look, the money's rolling in already.
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It's like our wish came true.
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This just doesn't make sense.
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Lenore never uses this platform.
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Wait, wait.
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Where's Lenore?
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Back at the farm, I think.
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Oh no, no, no, no, no, Lenore! Lenore!
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Ned bolts down the street and finds the garbage truck has indeed run someone over.
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He recognizes Lenore's signature bedazzled shoes sticking out from under the front tires.
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A garbage truck?
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That's just gratuitous! Lenore! She could be alive.
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The sanitation workers in the garbage truck look out the windows.
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Jeez, Mac, I think we hit somebody.
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Better back it up.
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The truck backs up and runs over Lenore's body again.
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Ned and Moose are sprayed with blood.
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Ooh, never mind.
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A kid pulls a carrot from a snowman's nose, puts it on the snowman's crotch, and laughs.
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The State Capitol building in Springfield is decked out in Christmas lights.
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It's night.
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Dressed in normal Midwest clothes, Raben finishes mopping the floors of the busted bottle.
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Cheryl completes counting the register.
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Exhausted, they lean on the bar across from each other.
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Well, that was a ring-a-ding.
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Holiday crowds.
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We must have sold 12 pies today.
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Hmm.
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Speaking of pies, wanna make some whoopee?
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Sure.
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What the hell?
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Raben freezes in trauma at the word hell.
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Cheryl notices.
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Hey now, you're okay.
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You're a good man, Raven.
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You're helpful, kind.
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You bring a smile to most people's faces.
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Mostly because you're funny looking.
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Not able to laugh, Raben looks at his golden bracelets.
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Nah, I'm not off the hook.
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I have old karmic debts.
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And the kid?
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He's in trouble.
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It's eating at me.
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So help him.
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You know, there will come a time soon when the devil's gonna get his due.
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I didn't find a soul to trade for mine because I won't.
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But that means I'll have to go back.
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Right back into the pit.
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I honestly don't know if this is in your head or not.
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But I love you.
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And I think if your conscience is telling you to help Ned, you should.
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Isn't it enough that you're beautiful?
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Why do you always have to be right to sad gothic dirges emanate at high volume from the farmhouse?
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Dressed in winter clothes, with two bags of groceries in his arms, Moose lingers apprehensively at the end of the walk.
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Then he heads in.
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The jack-o' lantern is rotting under a dusting of snow.
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Inside, Ned gloomily lays on the floor, surrounded by liquor bottles and fast food wrappers.
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He fiddles with the synth for a moment, then chugs whiskey from the bottle.
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What up, cuz?
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I brought you some groceries.
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Whoa, man.
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Ned covers his head with a blanket.
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Ned, it's me.
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Don't be scared.
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Whoa, don't look at me.
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Moose turns the volume down on the still-playing synth.
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No, my music!
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Music?
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That's just noise, man.
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Depressing noise.
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Thank you.
00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:44.720
Whiskey and fast food, eh?
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Bean burritos, mostly.
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Cool.
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I'm just gonna open this window.
00:13:51.600 --> 00:13:53.759
Moose throws open the curtains.
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Ned leaps up with a hiss, startling Moose.
00:13:57.519 --> 00:14:00.080
Ned grabs Moose's arm, trying to stop him.
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Oh Jesus!
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No, the light burns us!
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Oh, chill out.
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You're not Smeagol.
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Look, I got you some veggies.
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They're green.
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I don't need your charity, broccoli.
00:14:12.879 --> 00:14:16.399
How about some tomato bisque with ancient grains from Moonglow?
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Come on, cuz.
00:14:18.559 --> 00:14:23.600
Moose sits Ned down at the table and presents the warm bowl of soup.
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Ned turns his head in protest as Moose tries to spoon feed him.
00:14:29.200 --> 00:14:31.440
Breaker breaker, coming in for a landing.
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Don't let me crash into the hangar doors.
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Ned caves and finally opens up and lets Moose feed him.
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Okay, but these grains better be ancient.
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You know?
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Moping around for a month won't bring her back.
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Or your parents.
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What I'm about to say is gonna shock you.
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Up to now, I've been faking being sad.
00:14:55.519 --> 00:14:56.720
I know, I know.
00:14:57.039 --> 00:15:05.679
But this my brain has become a hideous torture chamber of pity and regret.
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Everyone I hold dear has left me like a stinky diaper on the side of the road.
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Not everyone.
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I'm here for you, cuz.
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Ned opens his mouth to be spoon-fed.
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Loose pauses, then feeds Ned some more.
00:15:24.320 --> 00:15:25.519
I'm here for you.
00:15:25.759 --> 00:15:28.399
You've been hit hard, and you're a good guy, man.
00:15:28.639 --> 00:15:30.159
You don't deserve this.
00:15:30.799 --> 00:15:34.960
Have you thought about going to a therapist or at least going to the gym?
00:15:36.080 --> 00:15:37.039
The gym?
00:15:37.440 --> 00:15:40.000
Do I look like a gym, bro, to you?
00:15:40.240 --> 00:15:42.320
I don't have any spandex.
00:15:42.639 --> 00:15:46.159
Ned opens his mouth again like a baby chick.
00:15:47.759 --> 00:15:48.080
Ah.
00:15:49.759 --> 00:15:53.519
Moose is growing annoyed, but feeds him anyway.
00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:57.360
I just think with the right talk therapy and more, more, more.
00:15:57.600 --> 00:15:59.919
Ned pops open his mouth again.
00:16:01.279 --> 00:16:02.320
Alright, Nedri.
00:16:02.480 --> 00:16:03.679
I need you to pull it together.
00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:05.600
We've got a big show tonight.
00:16:05.840 --> 00:16:06.480
Nedri?
00:16:06.639 --> 00:16:07.679
What do you mind, mom?
00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:10.480
Can't be because she's dead.
00:16:10.799 --> 00:16:13.519
I will not pull it together.
00:16:13.759 --> 00:16:14.879
What's the venue?
00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:16.559
Floyd's in Springfield.
00:16:16.879 --> 00:16:22.799
Oh god, it's just gonna be a bunch of TikToker kids making fun of my music.
00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:24.799
They think it's a joke, man.
00:16:25.039 --> 00:16:27.279
They think we are a joke.
00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:28.159
So what?
00:16:28.320 --> 00:16:29.039
It's fun.
00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:30.320
It pays.
00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:32.480
Please come to the gig.
00:16:32.639 --> 00:16:33.519
You're the singer.
00:16:33.679 --> 00:16:34.480
You're the star.
00:16:34.799 --> 00:16:36.080
I am the star.
00:16:36.559 --> 00:16:37.600
So you're coming?
00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:39.360
Hmm.
00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:41.279
What?
00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:44.240
Come on! At least do it for the money.
00:16:44.559 --> 00:16:46.399
We're about to lose the farm again.
00:16:46.559 --> 00:16:48.879
We waited too long to get the crops harvested.
00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:52.240
I mean, we paid the next farm over to do it for half the profit.
00:16:52.559 --> 00:16:54.159
Brilliant move, by the way.
00:16:54.399 --> 00:16:56.639
Nah man, we should have harvested that corn.
00:16:56.879 --> 00:16:58.080
Corn schmorn!
00:16:58.320 --> 00:17:00.159
I can get money somewhere else.
00:17:00.399 --> 00:17:02.480
Can I at least bring the synthesizer?
00:17:02.639 --> 00:17:04.000
It's our signature sound.
00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:06.960
Nobody wants to hear me play bass and karaoke our songs.
00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:17.279
Well, that's exactly what you're gonna do, because there's no way in fucking hell you're borrowing the ARP 2600 Duafonic keyboard with added arpeggiating sequencer.
00:17:17.440 --> 00:17:18.319
Fine, cuz.
00:17:18.559 --> 00:17:19.039
Fine.
00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:20.079
You do you.
00:17:20.799 --> 00:17:21.359
Moose.
00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:22.799
Hey Moose.
00:17:23.440 --> 00:17:26.000
Be careful how you speak to me.
00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:28.400
What's that supposed to mean?
00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:33.440
Whatever.
00:17:33.680 --> 00:17:34.559
I love you, man.
00:17:34.720 --> 00:17:36.880
We're family and we're in a band.
00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:38.400
We're in a band.
00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:40.400
We're in a band.
00:17:40.720 --> 00:17:41.359
Yeah.
00:17:41.599 --> 00:17:42.960
We're in a band.
00:17:43.279 --> 00:17:48.240
No, we were in a band, but now we're not in a band.
00:17:48.559 --> 00:17:49.519
That's over.
00:17:49.839 --> 00:17:50.480
What?
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:52.160
That hurts.
00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:53.839
That hurts.
00:17:54.559 --> 00:17:56.240
And not just the grammar stuff.
00:17:56.319 --> 00:17:57.759
I have feelings, you know.
00:17:58.000 --> 00:17:58.480
Good.
00:17:58.559 --> 00:17:59.839
I'm glad it hurts.
00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:02.160
Go cry on Moonbeam's shoulder.
00:18:02.240 --> 00:18:04.559
You're like a lost puppy.
00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:07.839
Well, at least puppies are nice.
00:18:08.079 --> 00:18:09.920
Answer the door with a puppers.
00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:11.039
Oh, you're so sweet.
00:18:11.119 --> 00:18:12.640
Oh, you're so sweet.
00:18:12.960 --> 00:18:18.880
Moose opens the door to see Moonglow looking particularly new agey.
00:18:19.200 --> 00:18:20.240
Hey, baby girl.
00:18:20.400 --> 00:18:22.960
What's Let me talk to him.
00:18:23.200 --> 00:18:25.599
Uh, he's having a rough day.
00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:28.319
Hey, it's resting witch face.
00:18:28.960 --> 00:18:29.839
Up, girl.
00:18:30.079 --> 00:18:31.920
Ned, I needed to tell you.
00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:34.960
I've had an undeniable psychic premonition about tonight.
00:18:35.200 --> 00:18:35.599
Yeah?
00:18:35.759 --> 00:18:38.480
Is it the dawning of the age of Aquarius?
00:18:38.799 --> 00:18:41.839
Ned Fisher, you are going to hell.
00:18:42.160 --> 00:18:42.880
Tonight.
00:18:55.680 --> 00:19:00.319
Next time on the exciting conclusion of Illinois Hellhole.
00:19:00.559 --> 00:19:05.839
Santa's here, baby! I can give you a chance to not go to hell.
00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:07.680
And everything dead.
00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:09.680
Put down the hole.
00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:11.279
Mr.
00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:12.960
Fisher, it's Bill.
00:19:13.519 --> 00:19:18.319
I'm just here to see if we can reach an agreement on a certain debt you owe.
00:19:19.039 --> 00:19:21.440
Little pig, little pig.
00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:23.200
Let me end.
00:19:24.960 --> 00:19:26.559
Comes back with the petty.
00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:52.400
Illinois Hellhole episode eight stars Corey Burton as the narrator, Darren Norris as Raven, Matt Brookens as Ned, Reggie Guyton as Moose, Megan McDonough as Lenore, Cassandra Escondell as Moonglow, Maria Libri as Cheryl, Jessica Bailey Forsyth as Sheena, Jeff Williams as the Garbage Man.
00:19:54.079 --> 00:20:00.480
If you're enjoying Illinois Hellhole, the best thing you can do would be to leave a rating and a review.
00:20:00.640 --> 00:20:07.519
Wherever you're listening, it's free, it takes about a minute, and it's what makes new listeners take a chance on a show like this one.
00:20:07.680 --> 00:20:10.240
We're indie and we need your support.
00:20:11.519 --> 00:20:24.079
And a special thanks to Darren Norris, the voice of Cosmo on the Fairly Odd Parents, and many, many more, for bringing Raven Masterson roaring back to life from 1939.
00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:27.279
It's an honor to be working with you, Darren.
00:20:27.599 --> 00:20:28.799
Thank you so much.
00:00:00.959 --> 00:00:06.400
Matt Brookins presents Illinois Hellhole.
00:00:10.240 --> 00:00:13.199
Previously on Illinois Hellhole.
00:00:13.599 --> 00:00:15.919
It's the definitive guide to hell holes.
00:00:16.079 --> 00:00:18.239
It could literally save your soul.
00:00:18.480 --> 00:00:21.039
Oh, I'll totally skim it.
00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:28.879
If a mortal falls in, the power of Satan will grant the wish of the one who last spoke to the victim.
00:00:29.199 --> 00:00:32.399
Have you seen a stranger from another time?
00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:39.759
The stranger is the previous wisher who has been sent to tempt a mortal to take their place in hell.
00:00:40.399 --> 00:00:42.799
Ned confronted that stranger.
00:00:43.039 --> 00:00:44.880
You're literally from hell.
00:00:45.359 --> 00:00:46.640
Ah, hell, Michigan.
00:00:46.719 --> 00:00:48.479
Yeah, it's right outside of Ann Arbor.
00:00:48.719 --> 00:00:50.560
I'm your great-great-grandfather.
00:00:50.719 --> 00:00:51.600
Say what?
00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:54.960
And Lenore found something on the mantle.
00:00:55.200 --> 00:00:57.520
This belongs to Rucker, motherfucker.
00:00:57.600 --> 00:00:58.640
I'm heading to town.
00:00:58.799 --> 00:00:59.840
You want anything?
00:01:00.079 --> 00:01:01.520
Answers, Moose.
00:01:02.320 --> 00:01:03.920
I want answers.
00:01:06.480 --> 00:01:10.640
At the busted bottle, Raben and Ned have returned to the bar.
00:01:10.959 --> 00:01:13.040
Cheryl delivers two whiskies.
00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:14.319
Two 10 a.m.
00:01:14.560 --> 00:01:15.040
whiskies.
00:01:15.200 --> 00:01:16.000
Here's two.
00:01:16.560 --> 00:01:17.920
Ned slams his drink.
00:01:18.159 --> 00:01:18.879
Today drinking.
00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:21.120
Rabin drinks his with a wink.
00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:24.319
Ned, we're family.
00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:25.920
I can't let you go to hell.
00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:27.040
It'd be rude.
00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:28.400
Ha, sure.
00:01:28.640 --> 00:01:30.879
Even if it means you won't have to go back.
00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:36.640
Being back out here in the sunshine again has made me realize that life is precious.
00:01:36.799 --> 00:01:38.799
I mean, there's Wi-Fi now, Ned.
00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:43.680
Wi-Fi! You take what happiness you're given and you just be thankful for it.
00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:47.359
Sharing love is its own reward.
00:01:47.840 --> 00:01:50.400
Sharing love is its own reward.
00:01:51.760 --> 00:01:54.400
I just found the joy of being good.
00:01:54.719 --> 00:01:56.480
Now you know what's going on.
00:01:56.640 --> 00:01:59.120
I can help you find redemption too.
00:01:59.280 --> 00:02:01.519
Get you back on the path of righteousness, huh?
00:02:01.760 --> 00:02:03.280
There's still hope.
00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:04.879
You you think?
00:02:05.200 --> 00:02:06.799
You're not in hell yet.
00:02:07.040 --> 00:02:10.240
Uh Springfield is hell adjacent.
00:02:11.280 --> 00:02:17.520
Simultaneously, in the cornfield, Lenore carefully peers over the edge of the hellhole.
00:02:17.919 --> 00:02:20.479
That is one big hole.
00:02:27.919 --> 00:02:30.800
Lenore turns and begins to walk off.
00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:33.199
Hey! Hey!
00:02:33.520 --> 00:02:35.759
Lenore paces as she chats.
00:02:35.919 --> 00:02:42.000
She doesn't notice the demon hand attached to the super long arm coming out of the pit.
00:02:42.719 --> 00:02:47.680
The hand feels around for her, patting the ground.
00:02:48.159 --> 00:02:50.479
It keeps missing her as she paces.
00:02:50.719 --> 00:02:59.039
I just wanted to say, and this is really hard, I may have been a little grumpy last night, and I apologize.
00:02:59.280 --> 00:03:00.960
Uh, put a pin in that.
00:03:01.120 --> 00:03:03.120
Can I ask you something, inscrutable?
00:03:03.680 --> 00:03:05.360
As soon as I Google that word.
00:03:05.599 --> 00:03:08.960
Did Rucker fall in the hellhole on your farm?
00:03:09.280 --> 00:03:09.759
What?
00:03:10.080 --> 00:03:10.400
No.
00:03:11.120 --> 00:03:15.120
Unaware, Lenore steps directly on the demon hand.
00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:19.759
She really crushes it under her unique, bedazzled heels.
00:03:20.319 --> 00:03:20.719
What?
00:03:20.960 --> 00:03:21.280
No.
00:03:21.520 --> 00:03:24.000
Ha ha! That's just Cuckoo.
00:03:24.159 --> 00:03:25.439
He died in town.
00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:29.520
If he fell in the hole, how could his body be buried at Oak Ridge?
00:03:29.759 --> 00:03:31.680
Come on, logic with me here.
00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:34.639
Lenore shifts her weight, stepping away.
00:03:34.800 --> 00:03:38.080
The demonic hand is released and swipes at her.
00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:38.960
It misses.
00:03:39.360 --> 00:03:40.960
I mean, of course you're right.
00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:43.280
It's good hearing your voice.
00:03:43.599 --> 00:03:44.000
Bye.
00:03:44.240 --> 00:03:44.719
Goodbye.
00:03:44.879 --> 00:03:48.080
Hey, Lenore, please be careful, okay?
00:03:48.319 --> 00:03:49.919
I'm always careful.
00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:51.599
Lenore hangs up.
00:03:51.759 --> 00:03:55.199
The demon hand sets an ear of corn behind her foot.
00:03:55.439 --> 00:03:58.719
It extends up high and taps her shoulder.
00:03:59.520 --> 00:04:02.240
Surprised, she turns and slips on the corn.
00:04:02.479 --> 00:04:04.800
Lenore tumbles into the pit.
00:04:05.120 --> 00:04:10.800
Flailing, she grabs a corn stalk, clinging to it, dangling from the edge.
00:04:11.759 --> 00:04:13.759
Oh God, thank you, corn.
00:04:13.919 --> 00:04:15.199
I've always loved you, corn.
00:04:15.360 --> 00:04:20.000
She tries to climb up by grabbing an ear of corn, but it tears and falls.
00:04:20.240 --> 00:04:22.560
The stalk begins to uproot.
00:04:23.279 --> 00:04:27.199
She tries to climb again, but the next ear of corn also gives way.
00:04:27.519 --> 00:04:32.560
Damn you, corn! I don't even know if you're a grain or a vegetable!
00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:40.480
Suddenly the demon hand rises up next to her, grasping the ear of corn.
00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:46.160
The demon hand begins squatting her with the corn.
00:04:49.360 --> 00:04:51.279
She chomps into the hand.
00:04:52.399 --> 00:04:55.439
Purple blood gushes from her teeth.
00:04:57.519 --> 00:04:59.600
The hand flies down the pit.
00:04:59.839 --> 00:05:03.680
Lenore scrambles up the corn stalk and out of the hole.
00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:08.079
I beat you, you demon son of a bitch!
00:05:08.319 --> 00:05:12.480
She defiantly kicks an ear of corn down the hellhole.
00:05:14.079 --> 00:05:19.519
Suddenly, corn comes launching out of the pit as if fired by a gatling gun.
00:05:19.759 --> 00:05:23.279
She covers her head as she is buried.
00:05:23.920 --> 00:05:25.040
No! No!
00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:36.720
Meanwhile, back at the busted bottle, Ned and Raven casually continue their day drinking.
00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:38.639
So, what are your goals?
00:05:38.800 --> 00:05:40.399
Let's work on something positive.
00:05:40.560 --> 00:05:41.839
Keep you on the sunny side.
00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:42.959
The up and up.
00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:46.800
Well, I wish the band would take off.
00:05:47.439 --> 00:05:54.879
Back at the hell hole, trapped under heaps of corn, Lenore opens her eyes to see the hand.
00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:59.680
It wags a finger at her, then slaps her across the face.
00:05:59.920 --> 00:06:03.040
Snarling, Lenore grabs it by the wrist.
00:06:03.199 --> 00:06:09.600
Then the left hand appears, cupping behind Lenore's ear to help her hear.
00:06:10.160 --> 00:06:14.959
Ned's voice comes echoing from the hellhole.
00:06:15.600 --> 00:06:17.040
Wish the band would take off.
00:06:17.360 --> 00:06:18.240
The band would take off.
00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:24.319
She is pulled, screaming, into the hellhole by the demon hands.
00:06:24.720 --> 00:06:29.680
Ned Fisher, you were the biggest mistake in my life.
00:06:42.959 --> 00:06:48.480
Back at the busted bottle, Ned gets a zoom notification from Sheena.
00:06:49.360 --> 00:06:52.480
Uh excuse me, my ex is zooming me.
00:06:52.800 --> 00:06:53.600
Zooming?
00:06:53.839 --> 00:06:57.439
Oh, she's gonna run by you really fast and slap you in the face?
00:06:57.680 --> 00:07:00.240
What no, that's okay.
00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:06.800
Slap you in the face while she's at full speed! Zoom! Ah, forget it.
00:07:06.879 --> 00:07:09.279
If this were the 30s, you'd be laughing.
00:07:09.759 --> 00:07:16.160
Outside the restaurant, Ned violently fixes his hair and answers the zoom call.
00:07:16.480 --> 00:07:22.560
Ned! Neddy! Baby, baby, baby! Holy shit, you did it! I'm so proud of you.
00:07:22.720 --> 00:07:25.600
To be honest, I never thought you had it in you.
00:07:25.920 --> 00:07:28.639
Please, Sheena, of course I did.
00:07:28.959 --> 00:07:31.120
Uh what did I do again?
00:07:31.360 --> 00:07:33.040
You're joking, right?
00:07:33.279 --> 00:07:35.439
Your influencer famous.
00:07:35.680 --> 00:07:36.160
Look!
00:07:36.399 --> 00:07:38.879
A video pops up on Ned's phone.
00:07:39.120 --> 00:07:48.800
In the video, a normal-looking kid gets rejected by a girl, then suddenly turns into an over-the-top emo kid and is crying.
00:07:49.040 --> 00:07:51.279
With eyeliner running.
00:07:52.319 --> 00:08:00.240
Okay, so it's a video where a normie kid suddenly turns cartoonishly emo and sad when a mild rejection happens.
00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:00.800
So?
00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:03.920
Sound up, lover! That's your music!
00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:06.560
Oh no, I should sue them.
00:08:06.720 --> 00:08:13.519
They don't have permission to Looks like someone named Lenore uploaded it and linked your band.
00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:16.319
You're not dating her, are you?
00:08:16.560 --> 00:08:18.959
That would break my heart, baby.
00:08:19.199 --> 00:08:21.199
Look at the numbers you're getting.
00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:23.680
Twenty trillion?
00:08:24.240 --> 00:08:25.120
Million, babe.
00:08:25.360 --> 00:08:26.560
But that's still good.
00:08:26.800 --> 00:08:32.320
Kids are like virally using your song to make videos everywhere in the world right now.
00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:35.360
Wait, so I'm famous?
00:08:35.919 --> 00:08:37.519
You're an influencer.
00:08:38.159 --> 00:08:39.200
Listen, Nedry.
00:08:39.679 --> 00:08:41.840
I'm sorry we ended the way we did.
00:08:42.080 --> 00:08:43.120
I miss you.
00:08:43.600 --> 00:08:45.120
Where are you these days?
00:08:45.919 --> 00:08:46.799
Illinois.
00:08:47.279 --> 00:08:49.600
Chicago's an incredible city.
00:08:49.840 --> 00:08:50.879
I could do that.
00:08:51.440 --> 00:08:54.320
Downstate, central Illinois, Springfield.
00:08:54.799 --> 00:08:57.200
I mean, I could endure that for a while.
00:08:57.440 --> 00:08:59.279
Why don't I crash at your place?
00:08:59.519 --> 00:09:01.519
We have a lot of making up to do.
00:09:01.840 --> 00:09:03.039
You're kidding, right?
00:09:03.200 --> 00:09:05.519
I'm a famous influencer now.
00:09:05.679 --> 00:09:07.120
Get in line, Sheena.
00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:09.279
Ned, don't do this!
00:09:10.480 --> 00:09:11.519
Peace out.
00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:12.720
Peace out.
00:09:13.039 --> 00:09:16.000
Ned hangs up, relishing the moment.
00:09:16.799 --> 00:09:20.240
Suddenly, Moose comes running up to him, breathless.
00:09:20.559 --> 00:09:24.879
Cuzz! Cuz! Lenore put our album on social media.
00:09:25.120 --> 00:09:27.360
And look, the money's rolling in already.
00:09:27.440 --> 00:09:28.799
It's like our wish came true.
00:09:29.039 --> 00:09:30.639
This just doesn't make sense.
00:09:30.799 --> 00:09:33.120
Lenore never uses this platform.
00:09:33.360 --> 00:09:34.399
Wait, wait.
00:09:34.639 --> 00:09:36.000
Where's Lenore?
00:09:36.639 --> 00:09:38.399
Back at the farm, I think.
00:09:44.879 --> 00:09:47.600
Oh no, no, no, no, no, Lenore! Lenore!
00:09:48.080 --> 00:09:52.879
Ned bolts down the street and finds the garbage truck has indeed run someone over.
00:09:53.120 --> 00:09:59.440
He recognizes Lenore's signature bedazzled shoes sticking out from under the front tires.
00:10:00.080 --> 00:10:02.159
A garbage truck?
00:10:03.120 --> 00:10:09.039
That's just gratuitous! Lenore! She could be alive.
00:10:09.279 --> 00:10:13.120
The sanitation workers in the garbage truck look out the windows.
00:10:13.440 --> 00:10:16.480
Jeez, Mac, I think we hit somebody.
00:10:16.960 --> 00:10:18.159
Better back it up.
00:10:18.320 --> 00:10:21.840
The truck backs up and runs over Lenore's body again.
00:10:22.159 --> 00:10:25.039
Ned and Moose are sprayed with blood.
00:10:25.360 --> 00:10:27.039
Ooh, never mind.
00:10:52.960 --> 00:11:00.080
A kid pulls a carrot from a snowman's nose, puts it on the snowman's crotch, and laughs.
00:11:00.480 --> 00:11:05.679
The State Capitol building in Springfield is decked out in Christmas lights.
00:11:06.720 --> 00:11:08.000
It's night.
00:11:08.320 --> 00:11:14.960
Dressed in normal Midwest clothes, Raben finishes mopping the floors of the busted bottle.
00:11:15.200 --> 00:11:17.840
Cheryl completes counting the register.
00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:22.240
Exhausted, they lean on the bar across from each other.
00:11:22.399 --> 00:11:24.399
Well, that was a ring-a-ding.
00:11:24.559 --> 00:11:25.600
Holiday crowds.
00:11:25.679 --> 00:11:27.440
We must have sold 12 pies today.
00:11:27.600 --> 00:11:27.919
Hmm.
00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:30.799
Speaking of pies, wanna make some whoopee?
00:11:31.039 --> 00:11:31.360
Sure.
00:11:31.600 --> 00:11:32.320
What the hell?
00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:35.840
Raben freezes in trauma at the word hell.
00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:38.159
Cheryl notices.
00:11:38.320 --> 00:11:40.159
Hey now, you're okay.
00:11:40.320 --> 00:11:41.759
You're a good man, Raven.
00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:43.519
You're helpful, kind.
00:11:44.080 --> 00:11:46.720
You bring a smile to most people's faces.
00:11:46.960 --> 00:11:49.039
Mostly because you're funny looking.
00:11:49.360 --> 00:11:53.679
Not able to laugh, Raben looks at his golden bracelets.
00:11:53.840 --> 00:11:55.600
Nah, I'm not off the hook.
00:11:55.759 --> 00:11:57.840
I have old karmic debts.
00:11:58.000 --> 00:11:58.960
And the kid?
00:11:59.200 --> 00:12:00.320
He's in trouble.
00:12:00.559 --> 00:12:01.919
It's eating at me.
00:12:02.399 --> 00:12:03.519
So help him.
00:12:03.759 --> 00:12:08.000
You know, there will come a time soon when the devil's gonna get his due.
00:12:08.559 --> 00:12:11.919
I didn't find a soul to trade for mine because I won't.
00:12:12.080 --> 00:12:14.720
But that means I'll have to go back.
00:12:15.279 --> 00:12:16.960
Right back into the pit.
00:12:17.279 --> 00:12:21.200
I honestly don't know if this is in your head or not.
00:12:21.519 --> 00:12:22.480
But I love you.
00:12:22.559 --> 00:12:26.639
And I think if your conscience is telling you to help Ned, you should.
00:12:27.200 --> 00:12:29.600
Isn't it enough that you're beautiful?
00:12:29.759 --> 00:12:42.000
Why do you always have to be right to sad gothic dirges emanate at high volume from the farmhouse?
00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:50.960
Dressed in winter clothes, with two bags of groceries in his arms, Moose lingers apprehensively at the end of the walk.
00:12:51.440 --> 00:12:53.279
Then he heads in.
00:12:53.759 --> 00:12:58.000
The jack-o' lantern is rotting under a dusting of snow.
00:12:59.279 --> 00:13:08.480
Inside, Ned gloomily lays on the floor, surrounded by liquor bottles and fast food wrappers.
00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:15.279
He fiddles with the synth for a moment, then chugs whiskey from the bottle.
00:13:15.600 --> 00:13:16.799
What up, cuz?
00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:19.759
I brought you some groceries.
00:13:20.399 --> 00:13:21.600
Whoa, man.
00:13:22.159 --> 00:13:24.480
Ned covers his head with a blanket.
00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:26.879
Ned, it's me.
00:13:27.039 --> 00:13:28.320
Don't be scared.
00:13:28.799 --> 00:13:30.080
Whoa, don't look at me.
00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:34.559
Moose turns the volume down on the still-playing synth.
00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:36.559
No, my music!
00:13:37.039 --> 00:13:37.679
Music?
00:13:38.080 --> 00:13:40.080
That's just noise, man.
00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:41.919
Depressing noise.
00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:43.039
Thank you.
00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:44.720
Whiskey and fast food, eh?
00:13:45.039 --> 00:13:47.600
Bean burritos, mostly.
00:13:48.559 --> 00:13:49.120
Cool.
00:13:49.279 --> 00:13:51.279
I'm just gonna open this window.
00:13:51.600 --> 00:13:53.759
Moose throws open the curtains.
00:13:54.000 --> 00:13:56.960
Ned leaps up with a hiss, startling Moose.
00:13:57.519 --> 00:14:00.080
Ned grabs Moose's arm, trying to stop him.
00:14:00.320 --> 00:14:01.519
Oh Jesus!
00:14:01.759 --> 00:14:03.600
No, the light burns us!
00:14:03.840 --> 00:14:04.720
Oh, chill out.
00:14:04.799 --> 00:14:06.080
You're not Smeagol.
00:14:06.559 --> 00:14:08.320
Look, I got you some veggies.
00:14:08.480 --> 00:14:09.600
They're green.
00:14:09.840 --> 00:14:12.720
I don't need your charity, broccoli.
00:14:12.879 --> 00:14:16.399
How about some tomato bisque with ancient grains from Moonglow?
00:14:16.960 --> 00:14:18.159
Come on, cuz.
00:14:18.559 --> 00:14:23.600
Moose sits Ned down at the table and presents the warm bowl of soup.
00:14:23.919 --> 00:14:28.639
Ned turns his head in protest as Moose tries to spoon feed him.
00:14:29.200 --> 00:14:31.440
Breaker breaker, coming in for a landing.
00:14:31.600 --> 00:14:33.759
Don't let me crash into the hangar doors.
00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:38.080
Ned caves and finally opens up and lets Moose feed him.
00:14:38.320 --> 00:14:41.519
Okay, but these grains better be ancient.
00:14:41.840 --> 00:14:42.480
You know?
00:14:43.120 --> 00:14:45.919
Moping around for a month won't bring her back.
00:14:46.240 --> 00:14:47.360
Or your parents.
00:14:47.679 --> 00:14:50.879
What I'm about to say is gonna shock you.
00:14:51.279 --> 00:14:55.279
Up to now, I've been faking being sad.
00:14:55.519 --> 00:14:56.720
I know, I know.
00:14:57.039 --> 00:15:05.679
But this my brain has become a hideous torture chamber of pity and regret.
00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:13.279
Everyone I hold dear has left me like a stinky diaper on the side of the road.
00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:14.639
Not everyone.
00:15:15.519 --> 00:15:16.799
I'm here for you, cuz.
00:15:17.039 --> 00:15:19.679
Ned opens his mouth to be spoon-fed.
00:15:20.320 --> 00:15:23.200
Loose pauses, then feeds Ned some more.
00:15:24.320 --> 00:15:25.519
I'm here for you.
00:15:25.759 --> 00:15:28.399
You've been hit hard, and you're a good guy, man.
00:15:28.639 --> 00:15:30.159
You don't deserve this.
00:15:30.799 --> 00:15:34.960
Have you thought about going to a therapist or at least going to the gym?
00:15:36.080 --> 00:15:37.039
The gym?
00:15:37.440 --> 00:15:40.000
Do I look like a gym, bro, to you?
00:15:40.240 --> 00:15:42.320
I don't have any spandex.
00:15:42.639 --> 00:15:46.159
Ned opens his mouth again like a baby chick.
00:15:47.759 --> 00:15:48.080
Ah.
00:15:49.759 --> 00:15:53.519
Moose is growing annoyed, but feeds him anyway.
00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:57.360
I just think with the right talk therapy and more, more, more.
00:15:57.600 --> 00:15:59.919
Ned pops open his mouth again.
00:16:01.279 --> 00:16:02.320
Alright, Nedri.
00:16:02.480 --> 00:16:03.679
I need you to pull it together.
00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:05.600
We've got a big show tonight.
00:16:05.840 --> 00:16:06.480
Nedri?
00:16:06.639 --> 00:16:07.679
What do you mind, mom?
00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:10.480
Can't be because she's dead.
00:16:10.799 --> 00:16:13.519
I will not pull it together.
00:16:13.759 --> 00:16:14.879
What's the venue?
00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:16.559
Floyd's in Springfield.
00:16:16.879 --> 00:16:22.799
Oh god, it's just gonna be a bunch of TikToker kids making fun of my music.
00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:24.799
They think it's a joke, man.
00:16:25.039 --> 00:16:27.279
They think we are a joke.
00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:28.159
So what?
00:16:28.320 --> 00:16:29.039
It's fun.
00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:30.320
It pays.
00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:32.480
Please come to the gig.
00:16:32.639 --> 00:16:33.519
You're the singer.
00:16:33.679 --> 00:16:34.480
You're the star.
00:16:34.799 --> 00:16:36.080
I am the star.
00:16:36.559 --> 00:16:37.600
So you're coming?
00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:39.360
Hmm.
00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:41.279
What?
00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:44.240
Come on! At least do it for the money.
00:16:44.559 --> 00:16:46.399
We're about to lose the farm again.
00:16:46.559 --> 00:16:48.879
We waited too long to get the crops harvested.
00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:52.240
I mean, we paid the next farm over to do it for half the profit.
00:16:52.559 --> 00:16:54.159
Brilliant move, by the way.
00:16:54.399 --> 00:16:56.639
Nah man, we should have harvested that corn.
00:16:56.879 --> 00:16:58.080
Corn schmorn!
00:16:58.320 --> 00:17:00.159
I can get money somewhere else.
00:17:00.399 --> 00:17:02.480
Can I at least bring the synthesizer?
00:17:02.639 --> 00:17:04.000
It's our signature sound.
00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:06.960
Nobody wants to hear me play bass and karaoke our songs.
00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:17.279
Well, that's exactly what you're gonna do, because there's no way in fucking hell you're borrowing the ARP 2600 Duafonic keyboard with added arpeggiating sequencer.
00:17:17.440 --> 00:17:18.319
Fine, cuz.
00:17:18.559 --> 00:17:19.039
Fine.
00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:20.079
You do you.
00:17:20.799 --> 00:17:21.359
Moose.
00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:22.799
Hey Moose.
00:17:23.440 --> 00:17:26.000
Be careful how you speak to me.
00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:28.400
What's that supposed to mean?
00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:33.440
Whatever.
00:17:33.680 --> 00:17:34.559
I love you, man.
00:17:34.720 --> 00:17:36.880
We're family and we're in a band.
00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:38.400
We're in a band.
00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:40.400
We're in a band.
00:17:40.720 --> 00:17:41.359
Yeah.
00:17:41.599 --> 00:17:42.960
We're in a band.
00:17:43.279 --> 00:17:48.240
No, we were in a band, but now we're not in a band.
00:17:48.559 --> 00:17:49.519
That's over.
00:17:49.839 --> 00:17:50.480
What?
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:52.160
That hurts.
00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:53.839
That hurts.
00:17:54.559 --> 00:17:56.240
And not just the grammar stuff.
00:17:56.319 --> 00:17:57.759
I have feelings, you know.
00:17:58.000 --> 00:17:58.480
Good.
00:17:58.559 --> 00:17:59.839
I'm glad it hurts.
00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:02.160
Go cry on Moonbeam's shoulder.
00:18:02.240 --> 00:18:04.559
You're like a lost puppy.
00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:07.839
Well, at least puppies are nice.
00:18:08.079 --> 00:18:09.920
Answer the door with a puppers.
00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:11.039
Oh, you're so sweet.
00:18:11.119 --> 00:18:12.640
Oh, you're so sweet.
00:18:12.960 --> 00:18:18.880
Moose opens the door to see Moonglow looking particularly new agey.
00:18:19.200 --> 00:18:20.240
Hey, baby girl.
00:18:20.400 --> 00:18:22.960
What's Let me talk to him.
00:18:23.200 --> 00:18:25.599
Uh, he's having a rough day.
00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:28.319
Hey, it's resting witch face.
00:18:28.960 --> 00:18:29.839
Up, girl.
00:18:30.079 --> 00:18:31.920
Ned, I needed to tell you.
00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:34.960
I've had an undeniable psychic premonition about tonight.
00:18:35.200 --> 00:18:35.599
Yeah?
00:18:35.759 --> 00:18:38.480
Is it the dawning of the age of Aquarius?
00:18:38.799 --> 00:18:41.839
Ned Fisher, you are going to hell.
00:18:42.160 --> 00:18:42.880
Tonight.
00:18:55.680 --> 00:19:00.319
Next time on the exciting conclusion of Illinois Hellhole.
00:19:00.559 --> 00:19:05.839
Santa's here, baby! I can give you a chance to not go to hell.
00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:07.680
And everything dead.
00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:09.680
Put down the hole.
00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:11.279
Mr.
00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:12.960
Fisher, it's Bill.
00:19:13.519 --> 00:19:18.319
I'm just here to see if we can reach an agreement on a certain debt you owe.
00:19:19.039 --> 00:19:21.440
Little pig, little pig.
00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:23.200
Let me end.
00:19:24.960 --> 00:19:26.559
Comes back with the petty.
00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:52.400
Illinois Hellhole episode eight stars Corey Burton as the narrator, Darren Norris as Raven, Matt Brookens as Ned, Reggie Guyton as Moose, Megan McDonough as Lenore, Cassandra Escondell as Moonglow, Maria Libri as Cheryl, Jessica Bailey Forsyth as Sheena, Jeff Williams as the Garbage Man.
00:19:54.079 --> 00:20:00.480
If you're enjoying Illinois Hellhole, the best thing you can do would be to leave a rating and a review.
00:20:00.640 --> 00:20:07.519
Wherever you're listening, it's free, it takes about a minute, and it's what makes new listeners take a chance on a show like this one.
00:20:07.680 --> 00:20:10.240
We're indie and we need your support.
00:20:11.519 --> 00:20:24.079
And a special thanks to Darren Norris, the voice of Cosmo on the Fairly Odd Parents, and many, many more, for bringing Raven Masterson roaring back to life from 1939.
00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:27.279
It's an honor to be working with you, Darren.
00:20:27.599 --> 00:20:28.799
Thank you so much.
