The Relationship Patterns We Inherit From Home

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So, y'all kids know everything y'all went through?
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No.
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But what happens when the people who taught us what love looks like were also figuring it out themselves?
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What did your parents teach you about relationships without saying it?
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I'm Chante.
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And I know.
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And we are the two don't dictate the two donuts.
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What did your parents teach you about relationships without saying it?
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You know, my parents have an incredible sense of loyalty to each other.
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Oh.
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Yeah.
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So uh Well, they taught you loyalty.
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Oh yeah.
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Oh yeah, absolutely.
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Absolutely.
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What about you?
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Um Wow, I was expecting you to, you know, go on to say a little bit more.
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Um I think my parents watching them um without saying it, I think they indirectly um taught us staying power even when even when it was bad.
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Um of course when it was good, but definitely when it was bad, it's like we just we're gonna stay together, we're gonna we're gonna stick it out, we're gonna make it work.
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Um and for them, I don't think it was really trying to teach us indirectly, and I'm not saying that's what they set out to do, was intending to do.
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It was just the message that it was giving off because we saw the good, the bad, the ugly.
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And I think uh, and I can only speak for myself, I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm the oldest, so I witnessed and I saw a lot.
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Um, I saw a lot, I heard a lot, I experienced a lot.
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And if I had to say something that my parents taught me about love and relationships without saying it, it was um toleration.
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Toleration.
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Wow.
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Yeah.
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When I talk about loyalty, one of the things that that definitely just sticks out for me with my parents is through the years of them being very loyal to each other.
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Okay, even to a fault.
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Okay, it's like a very a blind loyalty of I am loyal to the other person, even if I don't necessarily agree or my position is different, I'm still gonna remain completely loyal to them.
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Uh so that's pretty heavy.
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What's an example of that?
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Like, I I I'm hearing you say it, but I guess I I personally need an example of when you say to a fault to each other, like what does that well, you know, I I think in my journey of being very transparent with my parents about um our relationship, um, you know, when I had discussion with my dad about it, and that kind of conversation continued, we seemed to kind of come to a place where he was, I remember he would be joking and say, Hey, one day I may have to live with y'all, you know.
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And we were in a good place.
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Well, just as quickly as we got to that good place is as quickly as it completely devolved, like it completely just it went from white to black overnight.
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And within that, um it just led me really to think that my mom's position on it of her position as far as her religious position, which very candidly I think the the thing that is more important is how it makes her feel and how it makes her and her mind look to her peers and her family, as you know, she looks not to be, she considers it a badge of shame to have a child in a same-sex relationship now married, you know, to a woman, that I just really feel like the reason why he and I went to white from white to black was based upon her position because they're polar opposites, you know what I'm saying?
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Yeah, so you know what you're saying.
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Even though you know, religion-wise, okay, he coming on the same tip, but at the same time, it was like he was like, I remember a couple of conversations where it was just like, wow, I've I I didn't expect him to be just taking a little bit better, you know.
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Um, so that's what I'm saying.
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But at the end of the day, they best friends, they've known each other since they were kids, they've been married now for a very, very, very, very long time, most of their adult lives, you know, and 40 plus years.
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And it's that blind loyalty.
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So even if I don't necessarily 100% agree, I'm gonna stand loyal to my spouse.
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Yeah.
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So the the the first clip that we showed before, um, right before everything started, um, pretty sure everybody at this point have watched uh Why Did I Get Married Again?
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So pretty much this is like the newer generation coming along.
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Yeah.
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And now you have these 20-something year olds, they're watching their parents um now.
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Well, they've watched their parents now growing up.
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Oh, yeah.
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Now they're embarking on their own relationships.
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So it brought us to this topic today.
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Are our children repeating the relationships that they watched us live?
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It's hard because your marriages are so perfect.
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We can't live up to that.
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I I feel the same way.
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Sometimes I like meet someone and it's just like I can't bring them home.
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They don't measure up to you two.
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What?
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No, it's exactly that.
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I feel the exact same way when I'm dating.
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I just find a way to sabotage it.
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Alright, listen, you guys, I know that this is very hard because you want to think your parents are perfect.
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Right?
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But I gotta be honest with you, there are some things that we will take to our graves.
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But not telling your kids the truth will have us ending up exactly where we are right now.
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Dealing with all this hurt, this pain, this confusion.
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Jazz, I wasn't perfect.
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You hear me, and neither was your father.
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My parents always told me they weren't perfect.
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In this clip, one of the young adults now, Kenya, she's basically saying in this clip, like, it's been hard for me to embark on, you know, the relationships because I watched my mom and dad, and they were just so, you know, their marriage is just so perfect.
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And so you have all these older couples standing there, you know, the parents, and they're looking at them almost like laughing, of saying, you all just really don't understand that it really wasn't perfect, it really isn't perfect, but we shielded you all from so many different things, and we actually um, you know, just protected you from what was really going on because we didn't want you all to worry, we didn't want you all to know what was really going on, and in that perspective, you have the adults feeling like when they were doing it, like we're really doing a good thing.
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We're really doing our kids this great service.
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Now, looking at their young adults and everything that they're going through, they're saying, Man, yeah, maybe we should have talked about exposed them a little bit more.
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Because here they are out here thinking that they can't do this or do that because you know, not knowing that we've walked the same paths.
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Yeah, because they may have been better at, you know, learned about problem solving, you know, about communicating, about how to meet each other, how to how to resolve conflict, yeah, you know, and resolve it in a way where uh it's amicable and you can work through it.
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You may not necessarily agree, but you know, you can still move on.
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So, did you see healthy conflict?
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So, okay, so we jump into conflict.
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Did you see healthy conflict um growing up?
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I know No, I didn't.
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Um, I didn't see healthy conflict um either.
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And so I guess for me, I didn't see healthy conflict.
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Uh I know now what healthy conflict looks like.
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Um, but if I had to say, as, you know, now a grown-up looking back on what I could have possibly learned about love through my parents' relationship, um I could say, you know, I would have been afraid to have any type of conflict with somebody I was engaged in a relationship with because I would have be, I would be afraid thinking like, I don't know how that is going to resolve.
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Because it could resolve in us fighting each other, knocking each other off, physical violence, us not speaking to each other for a while.
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Like it could have made me so afraid, but instead, you know, I embarked on a journey of like, I know it gotta be a better way.
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Yeah, I know it must be, you know, a healthier way for people to talk, engage, problem solve, and try to work things out.
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Um, and I say that because I hear a lot of couples now say, we don't argue.
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We we don't argue.
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We we got the best relationship, we're fine.
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We don't argue.
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If you don't argue, yeah.
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If you don't argue, you yeah, you you're not operating in truth.
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You because there's there's not gonna be a day where you agree about everything all day, all the time.
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I mean, you you're two completely different people, so two completely different personalities, interests.
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Interests.
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And my thing is if you're in a relationship and you're not arguing, that means that somebody in the relationship has taken a stance and said to keep from arguing, yeah, you know what I'm gonna do?
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I'm gonna stay quiet.
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I'm not gonna express myself, I'm not gonna be candid and honest and transparent about my feelings because I don't want to embark on an argument with this person, or this person is not gonna hear what I'm saying and not gonna respect what I'm saying.
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Or I don't feel that it's safe.
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You know, I don't feel that it's safe for me to uh operate in truth.
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And you know, that's really my story growing up is I know that I've shared before how my family, I mean, I I love them to life.
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However, looking back now with my 40-something-year-old eyes, you know, I see that we uh were raised, I was raised in a way where truth was not something that was important.
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You know, it wasn't important to operate in truth.
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It wasn't important to operate in, and I'm not talking about like lying on a at school.
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I'm talking about as far as how you feel, what you think, those because it made people feel uncomfortable.
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Right, right.
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So it was not important to be honest and truthful and transparent in regards to your feelings, you know, what you're thinking, because it was, oh, that makes me uncomfortable, and I don't want to be uncomfortable, or oh, I can't handle that, or oh, I don't want to deal with that.
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So, you know, I will always say many of us, you know, in similar situations like how I grew up, we've learned first how to lie from my parents because you're lying to them, lying to yourself, you know.
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Well, that's one thing I guess you could say that you learned, you know, from your parents.
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Um, because what if you would have taken that into a relationship of I'm gonna lie to this person to keep from hurting this person's feelings or to keep from starting an argument or whatever you decide, but you learn that behavior from watching your parents.
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Because let's just be honest, most of the time, kids only take in a very small portion of what we actually tell them.
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Oh, yeah.
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They're watching, but they watch everything.
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So what we model and what we do is always been very important because that's what they're paying attention to the most.
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Exactly.
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So when we say, you know, are our children repeating the relationship that they watched us live because they really watched and they paid attention regardless if we know it or not.
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Right.
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So some of the messages that were given off, and I've and I've said before, I had to come to a place where I had to use a lot of things that I saw as non-examples.
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Right.
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And that helped me to form you know, actually, okay, this is how I'm supposed to handle this, this is what I'm supposed to do.
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Okay, if I'm in an argument with my spouse, I'm not supposed to, you know, just shut down and walk off because silence is, you know, not the way to resolve it.
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Exactly.
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Or I'm not, you know, supposed to just go into physical violence with this person because why would you hurt the person that you say you love that you love?
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Right.
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And so, you know, I I question what we saw, and I I asked, yeah, we didn't see healthy conflict.
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Did we even see apologies?
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Did you hear apologies?
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Did you ever hear anybody come back and say, you know, I apologize, I'm sorry, yeah, I was wrong.
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And and you know, the issue with when you're operating in in dishonesty, you know, and and you're growing up watching that, and then you embark on a relationship and you operate in dishonesty.
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Listen, it starts off where you're being dishonest, whether by omission or commission, you know, and uh ultimately that will then sit in and cause bitterness, you know, and resentment.
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Right, right.
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Because you're not being your true self, your true transparent yourself in your relationship because you don't feel safe, you know, or for whatever reason.
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So going back to your story, um, you know, when you say your parents are very loyal to each other, even to a fault, it's the blind loyalty.
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I asked the question, I think about do you feel like there's somebody in a relationship that's compromising way too much?
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Because I'm gonna be real, I'm gonna be honest.
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It ain't that much loyalty because it comes off almost like somebody I don't know who it is, and I'm not pinpointing your parents.
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Oh, yeah, it's gonna be happening to anybody in the world.
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But that means that somebody in the relationship is compromising way too much, it's not 50-50.
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That means that one of those people are saying, I'm just gonna go along to get along.
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Right.
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Oh, yeah.
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Let's just be real, yeah, yeah.
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I mean, and and and that's the reality of it, is if you're not, you know, if you're not operating in truth and you just, you know, just being blindly loyal, that means that you're squashing your feelings and what you think to what you believe, and what you believe, and and you know, people have their motivations for that.
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Maybe it's more important of you know, just keeping the peace, you know, or ultimately I gotta live with this person.
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When people say I do something for keeping the peace, because where does peace where where is peace?
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Well, peace means different things to different people because my peace is in here, but that's what I'm saying, and my peace is wherever I am.
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So if I can't articulate what's going on with me, how I feel, or whatever, and I come into my home, I'm not at peace.
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So I can't say I'm just trying to keep the peace because you're not keeping the peace, you you're not even keeping the peace within yourself.
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Peace follows you where you go.
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So when people say, Oh, I ain't saying that because I just said I'm gonna keep the peace, but you're not because you're in turmoil.
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Right, right, right.
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Yeah, nothing is peaceful, you know, about that.
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And so you grow up and you're watching one of your parents over compromise, you watching one of your parents always give in, you watching one of your parents um say, well, this is you know what it means to be married.
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And so you're watching all of this, and now you take some of those same scenarios, some of those same habits, same behaviors into your relationship.
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Right.
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Because that's what you want, because that's what you watch.
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Right and you know, even with um, even with affection, you know, I I had friends in college that said in all of their years, and at that point we were like, you know, 19, 20 or whatever, they never ever saw their parents like show affection.
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So to the point I actually had a friend once we got to college, she had a um a boyfriend or whatever, and she always felt like he was overly affectionate.
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Like if we were walking to class, he wanted to hold her hand.
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She like, why do you want to do all that?
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I'm just, but it's not that she didn't want it, I just think it was like, I don't even know how to be how to be.
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I don't even know what this looks like.
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I don't know because I've never seen this before.
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And based on all of the ideology that I have going on in my right mind, you don't have to do all this.
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Yeah, this is not part of what has to be done for us to be happy, but then you got this other person saying, but this is how I show affection, this is how I show my love, this is how I show that I'm interested in you.
00:20:32.240 --> 00:20:47.119
So now you got two people like this because they come from two different situations that neither right or wrong, but she's watched this, he's watched this.
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Right, right, right.
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Two completely different people.
00:20:50.160 --> 00:20:51.759
Two completely different people.
00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:53.839
They said they would fix the lights.
00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:55.039
They did not.
00:20:55.279 --> 00:20:58.319
They said they had cameras, but they never worked.
00:20:58.480 --> 00:21:02.400
They never said you wouldn't feel safe in your own apartment.
00:21:02.640 --> 00:21:08.960
If you or a loved one were assaulted at your apartment or a business, get the justice you deserve.
00:21:09.200 --> 00:21:14.799
Call the Daniels Law Firm at 904-432-1219.
00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:18.960
That's 904-432-1219.
00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:20.400
Ma'am, I'm so sorry.
00:21:20.559 --> 00:21:21.920
This never should have happened.
00:21:22.160 --> 00:21:30.960
Do children learn more from what we tell them about relationships or what they watch us tolerate?
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No, I I mean, definitely, kids are going to learn more from what they see and watch as opposed to what they hear.
00:21:43.519 --> 00:21:45.839
You know, because that's what makes the difference.
00:21:46.319 --> 00:21:52.160
You know, you could tell somebody all day, oh, you're supposed to do this and I'm supposed to do that, but they're watching your behavior.
00:21:54.319 --> 00:21:54.720
Yeah.
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I remember um, you know, at this point I was probably Probably in college.
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And my I recently lost my grandfather.
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He died when I was in my freshman year at Cookman.
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And I remember just being so worried about my grandmother because, you know, for all my life, my grandfather was all that she knew.
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I didn't know anything about her previous life prior to my grandfather because I wasn't here.
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I wasn't around.
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But she told me the story one time.
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She said, um, your granddaddy is the best thing that ever happened to me.
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She said, because my first marriage was horrible.
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He, you know, was drunk all the time, came on, came home late, depending on how he felt when he came home.
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You know, she said she could tell by how he walked up the steps or how he opened the door, if it was gonna be a good, pleasant night, or if it was a night she probably needed to hide under the bed to keep from getting her behind whooped.
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And so you got kids in the house that, you know, and I don't know how old my aunts and uncles was, and this is before my mom's time.
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My mom is the baby, so she didn't even know um my grandmother's first husband.
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But I'm just processing what did my aunts and uncles or whatever feel.
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Um, do you feel like this is a marriage if the man comes home and beats his wife because he had a bad day?
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I feel like that's the norm.
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Do you feel yeah?
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Because if that's what you're growing up in, you don't think that that is and that's how that's how love is is shown, you know.
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Um it's the craziest stuff that happens.
00:23:44.960 --> 00:23:46.960
I remember it it brings me to the story.
00:23:47.039 --> 00:24:15.759
You remember when we were out, this was years ago, and we saw um we were out at the mall in the parking lot, and we were in our car, and in in the parking lot, there was a a guy and a lady, they were in a pickup truck, and they were right in front of us in the parking lot, and literally saw him just fit, just I mean, punching her in the face.
00:24:16.079 --> 00:24:22.400
I thought it was another man in there, punching her in the face, head, I mean, just horrible.
00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:33.039
Immediately we called 911, let them know where we are, reporting it, get law enforcement out here because this guy is beating up this lady in the car.
00:24:33.599 --> 00:24:37.279
We kept following them, still on the phone with 911.
00:24:37.359 --> 00:24:39.200
They were sending the officer out.
00:24:39.680 --> 00:24:50.960
Uh, ends up where they stop their vehicle, he gets out, he jumps out and runs to like a McDonald's or something like that.
00:24:51.119 --> 00:24:52.079
It was Chick-fil-A.
00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:52.960
Chick-fil-A.
00:24:54.559 --> 00:24:59.759
And uh only two after what, about 10 minutes or so?
00:25:00.079 --> 00:25:01.119
10-15 minutes.
00:25:01.200 --> 00:25:03.920
He walks up to the Chick-fil-A where she is.
00:25:04.079 --> 00:25:04.400
Uh-huh.
00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:06.240
Uh, she's talking to the police.
00:25:06.559 --> 00:25:06.640
Yeah.
00:25:06.799 --> 00:25:08.640
At this point, police have arrived.
00:25:08.880 --> 00:25:12.720
And we see the police talking to her, police talking to him.
00:25:12.960 --> 00:25:17.599
Next thing we know, he gets back in the truck with her and they drive away.
00:25:17.920 --> 00:25:21.359
And you and I both looked at each other and said, you know what?
00:25:21.599 --> 00:25:26.079
This is why sometimes people just say, Yeah, I'm not gonna get involved.
00:25:26.160 --> 00:25:32.240
I don't want to have anything to do with it, because nine times out of ten, this is something the person has been tolerating.
00:25:32.480 --> 00:25:33.039
Oh, yeah.
00:25:33.200 --> 00:25:34.400
This is their norm.
00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:44.720
And that's probably something I would be willing to bet, and I'm not no gambler, but I would be willing to bet that she grew up seeing that.
00:25:44.960 --> 00:25:50.079
And so she thought she thinks that this is the how he shows love.
00:25:50.559 --> 00:25:57.759
So it's just like being in a household where one of the uh people are always emotionally unavailable.
00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:00.240
You grow up thinking that that's the norm.
00:26:00.319 --> 00:26:08.960
So now you're in a relationship where you're tolerating someone never being there for you, never being around.
00:26:09.119 --> 00:26:13.359
You can't talk to them, you can't the the cycle continues.
00:26:13.759 --> 00:26:19.279
Either you run to it or run away from it, or you run away from it.
00:26:19.599 --> 00:26:21.279
One of two things is gonna happen.
00:26:21.440 --> 00:26:35.680
And usually in a household when kids are involved, what that are watching, one of those siblings is going to turn out, one of those kids is gonna turn out to be just like one of the parents.
00:26:35.920 --> 00:26:36.640
One of the parents.
00:26:36.799 --> 00:26:46.720
Now, I will tell you on the flip side of this, because I know we've talked a lot about negative, you know, negative things that you watch and we watch growing up and experience growing up.
00:26:46.960 --> 00:26:53.680
But on the flip side, on the positive, um, which there was a lot of positive.
00:26:54.000 --> 00:27:01.519
I watched my parents, male, female, and I felt like they were a partnership.
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:16.720
And what I mean by that is this my dad growing up, um, he would get home early, uh, particularly like Fridays and things like that, be folding up the clothes, you know, putting them up in your room.
00:27:17.039 --> 00:27:17.599
Teamwork.
00:27:17.759 --> 00:27:28.240
You know, teamwork, all of these things were in traditional, quote, traditional households, they would view it as work that that's the woman's job.
00:27:28.400 --> 00:27:37.279
You know, now he will also be out there cutting the grass, you know, doing trimming the bushes and doing all of those types of things too.
00:27:37.599 --> 00:27:42.400
But I felt like, you know, they were a partnership.
00:27:42.640 --> 00:28:07.119
It wasn't until I got to college, you know, UF, Gainesville, 1995 at that point, and talking about, you know, meeting other people and hearing how they're growing up and realizing that what how I came up and what I witnessed in our household was so different from a lot of people, especially in that time frame.
00:28:07.359 --> 00:28:08.240
Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:28:08.559 --> 00:28:12.640
So there's a um, well, I won't jump to that.
00:28:12.880 --> 00:28:20.640
Um, have you ever dated somebody and you later realize, wait, this feels like something I watched growing up?
00:28:20.799 --> 00:28:28.720
Like you recognized it right then and was like, uh I don't want to fall in that trap.
00:28:28.880 --> 00:28:30.400
Because some people don't recognize it.
00:28:30.480 --> 00:28:36.160
Some people look up and be like, God dang, I married, I messed around and married my mama.
00:28:36.319 --> 00:28:39.440
Or God dang, I married, you know, my dad.
00:28:39.519 --> 00:28:45.039
Because you start to see some of those same characteristics, some of those traits happening.
00:28:45.359 --> 00:28:53.599
Um, while I was watching Why Did I Get Married Again, there's a clip where they make it to Lake Como.
00:28:54.000 --> 00:28:55.519
They're in Italy.
00:28:55.759 --> 00:29:01.759
Um and Keisha and Marcus, and we all know the story.
00:29:01.839 --> 00:29:15.359
If you follow the whole brand of Why Did I Get Married from the beginning to now, everybody know that Keisha and Marcus has had this very toxic, crazy relationship.
00:29:15.680 --> 00:29:22.880
Um, but now they're in late coma because the daughter is getting ready to get married.
00:29:23.759 --> 00:29:28.400
However, there's a situation going on between the daughter and her fiance.
00:29:28.880 --> 00:29:29.519
Her fiance.
00:29:30.079 --> 00:29:32.640
Let's just show the clip right quick.
00:29:33.519 --> 00:29:35.119
Stop, no, no, no, no, stop.
00:29:35.359 --> 00:29:35.920
Do you hear me?
00:29:36.160 --> 00:29:37.359
Okay, okay.
00:29:39.839 --> 00:29:44.319
Before Wesley asked me to marry him, he cheated on me.
00:29:46.720 --> 00:29:50.079
I just wanted to get even, so I cheated.
00:29:52.000 --> 00:29:53.839
We were working things out.
00:29:54.720 --> 00:29:56.319
But then I got an STD.
00:29:56.480 --> 00:29:57.759
I got a shot to carry it.
00:29:57.920 --> 00:29:59.200
I just didn't tell him right away.
00:29:59.599 --> 00:30:03.279
Tell this woman how Terry had to give you a shot because you had V D.
00:30:03.599 --> 00:30:04.960
Oh, so you got V D?
00:30:06.400 --> 00:30:07.519
This was this in private.
00:30:07.759 --> 00:30:08.960
How long have you had it?
00:30:10.480 --> 00:30:11.200
A week.
00:30:11.839 --> 00:30:13.119
Was Akeisha?
00:30:14.880 --> 00:30:16.400
No, you didn't get it from her.
00:30:16.720 --> 00:30:18.160
You got it from Walter.
00:30:18.559 --> 00:30:19.920
I slept with him.
00:30:20.799 --> 00:30:21.680
I got a shot.
00:30:21.759 --> 00:30:23.599
I was just waiting for you to say something.
00:30:24.240 --> 00:30:24.799
Boom.
00:30:27.119 --> 00:30:32.240
When I finally told him, I was holding him and he just pushed me away from him.
00:30:32.319 --> 00:30:33.039
That's it.
00:30:34.880 --> 00:30:36.240
Why is he just like you?
00:30:36.400 --> 00:30:37.119
He liked him.
00:30:37.519 --> 00:30:38.240
She likes.
00:30:39.200 --> 00:30:40.079
Come on, man.
00:30:40.160 --> 00:30:41.759
You can't make this type of stuff off.
00:30:42.079 --> 00:30:44.079
Talking about this wash, winse, repeat.
00:30:44.160 --> 00:30:45.519
I mean, my goodness.
00:30:46.960 --> 00:30:58.559
So, how did those same very similar situations trickle down now to it's happening with the kids?
00:30:58.880 --> 00:30:59.599
Exactly.
00:30:59.839 --> 00:31:03.279
I mean, the same exact situation.
00:31:03.599 --> 00:31:06.400
Oh, you cheated on me, I'm gonna go cheat on you.
00:31:06.559 --> 00:31:06.880
Right.
00:31:07.119 --> 00:31:09.599
You lied to me, I'm gonna lie to you.
00:31:09.680 --> 00:31:11.119
Where did they pick that up from?
00:31:11.279 --> 00:31:11.519
Right.
00:31:11.680 --> 00:31:13.519
Yeah, that's what they watched growing up.
00:31:13.680 --> 00:31:14.720
They watched that growing up.
00:31:14.880 --> 00:31:15.839
Yeah, that's what they learned.
00:31:16.000 --> 00:31:17.039
That was the back and forth.
00:31:17.200 --> 00:31:18.640
Yeah, that's the learned behavior.
00:31:18.799 --> 00:31:19.759
That was the back and forth.
00:31:19.839 --> 00:31:21.279
That was the learned behavior.
00:31:21.519 --> 00:31:26.160
Nobody said, hey, I'm just going to let's go to counseling together.
00:31:26.319 --> 00:31:27.440
Let's talk about this.
00:31:27.599 --> 00:31:29.839
Let's uh let's stop this.
00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:30.880
It's not right.
00:31:31.039 --> 00:31:33.039
You shouldn't be out there doing tit for tat.
00:31:33.200 --> 00:31:36.319
I shouldn't be doing anything to make you want to go out there and do tit for tat.
00:31:36.640 --> 00:31:39.519
But instead, they watch this back and forth.
00:31:39.599 --> 00:31:46.079
So now the daughter not only is doing it, but also tolerating it in her relationship.
00:31:46.240 --> 00:31:46.559
Right.
00:31:46.640 --> 00:31:47.200
Mm-hmm.
00:31:49.599 --> 00:31:49.920
Yeah.
00:31:50.240 --> 00:31:51.119
So we got to be careful.
00:31:51.359 --> 00:31:52.640
That's that generational curse.
00:31:52.799 --> 00:31:54.400
Oh, we're not even gonna talk about it.
00:31:54.720 --> 00:31:56.000
Be careful what you teach them.
00:31:57.519 --> 00:32:07.599
So at what age do I think we become responsible for kind of like unlearning some of that behavior?
00:32:07.839 --> 00:32:18.000
Um, I know for me, I didn't start probably until I don't know, maybe 20, 21, 22.
00:32:18.640 --> 00:32:40.799
Um, and only because that's when I had embarked on my family, got married, had my first child, and you just start to kind of think and process stuff, and you're like, man, like when you're a child, you're thinking everything that you see your parents do is like that's golden.
00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:43.200
That's better than sliced bread, because you don't know any better.
00:32:43.359 --> 00:32:52.000
You know, these are the people you think I'm supposed to listen to, I'm supposed to, you you're not realizing until you get older, like that that wasn't right.
00:32:52.400 --> 00:32:57.119
But I thought it was right, and I thought it was okay because that was my norm.
00:32:59.200 --> 00:33:01.599
Yeah, I think I agree with you.
00:33:01.839 --> 00:33:24.319
Definitely, just once you get out of the house, for me, it was once I got out of the house, uh, and you start kind of living a little bit of life, um, meeting new people, uh, that maturing, that's when I started to really see and understand, you know, those patterns.
00:33:24.400 --> 00:33:24.640
Yeah.
00:33:24.880 --> 00:33:29.599
That everything that I saw was not necessarily the most healthy or the best way.
00:33:29.839 --> 00:33:33.200
And I mean, we both know there's no such thing as a perfect relationship.
00:33:33.440 --> 00:33:34.960
Oh no, there's not nobody's relationship.
00:33:35.039 --> 00:33:35.599
There's nothing perfect.
00:33:35.839 --> 00:33:36.160
There's not.
00:33:36.319 --> 00:33:44.319
And I don't feel as though you have to have a perfect relationship to teach your kids or show your kids what healthy love or whatever looks like.
00:33:44.400 --> 00:33:56.880
Because at the end of the day, I don't feel as though children need to see um, I don't know, they don't need to see their parents like being perfect, but they definitely need to be able to see repair.
00:33:57.119 --> 00:34:05.839
So that's back to that healthy conflict of I know you're not perfect because if you were perfect, y'all wouldn't be into it about this.
00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:14.239
But what I need to see is that you know how to come together and problem solve and repair.
00:34:14.480 --> 00:34:15.519
Exactly, exactly.
00:34:15.679 --> 00:34:22.239
And I 100% agree with you on that, is at the end of the day, uh, nobody is expecting perfection.
00:34:23.039 --> 00:34:25.920
And um because it just doesn't exist.
00:34:26.239 --> 00:34:29.760
No, you just need to see somebody say, you know what, I was wrong.
00:34:29.920 --> 00:34:33.360
I was a po, you know, I need to apologize and mean it.
00:34:33.519 --> 00:34:46.320
Yeah, and they need to understand that love doesn't require um you to, I guess, belittle yourself or make your yourself feel yeah, play yourself down.
00:34:46.480 --> 00:34:56.719
They need to see all of that because again, now in the future, these same habits is going to transfer because it's the person.
00:34:57.039 --> 00:34:58.000
Yeah, this is the person.
00:34:58.320 --> 00:35:06.639
And that I think that's the value of having a very I don't think the kids necessarily you gotta involve them in 100% of everything.
00:35:06.800 --> 00:35:09.440
Of course not, because it's just not it's not appropriate.
00:35:10.320 --> 00:35:19.920
But I think that you should be modeling of the good communication, yeah.
00:35:20.159 --> 00:35:26.159
Of led by this is when you did this, this is how it made me feel.
00:35:26.639 --> 00:35:34.480
You know, just even the ability to say that, you know, of uh and be honest about how you're feeling.
00:35:34.639 --> 00:35:35.920
I think that's incredible.
00:35:36.559 --> 00:35:44.239
And you know, in response, listening, listening to the response to that and really engaging in some conversation about it.
00:35:44.320 --> 00:35:56.639
Yeah, you know, so those key things I think make healthy little people become healthy adults, healthy adults, yeah, yeah.
00:35:56.880 --> 00:36:21.599
Allow them to see you argue respectfully um and repair because I think it's unrealistic to not argue or try to pretend, because then you're setting a tone of saying, you know what, healthy relationships don't have conflict, healthy relationships don't argue, healthy relationships don't need to talk about certain things.
00:36:21.760 --> 00:36:41.039
Healthy relationships don't require that you express your feelings if they grow up seeing that now they're taking that same warped way of thinking into their brand new relationship that could have been hopefully saved by some some modeling, right?
00:36:41.440 --> 00:36:49.280
But you know, this is what happens can secrecy unintentionally create resentment?
00:36:50.079 --> 00:36:55.440
Can secrecy unintentionally create resentment?
00:36:55.599 --> 00:37:07.039
And I guess that's back to um thinking like, wait a minute, um, I'm not gonna share this, I'm not gonna talk about this, he'll never know this, or she'll never know this.
00:37:07.199 --> 00:37:09.920
I'm just gonna keep it to myself, keep quiet.
00:37:10.079 --> 00:37:16.800
But like we stated earlier, when you do that in a relationship, people start to really kind of pull apart.
00:37:17.039 --> 00:37:24.159
There's no good thing about a secret, except, you know, to surprise some, you know, like a birthday or something like that.
00:37:24.480 --> 00:37:29.360
But to me, secrecy always creates a problem.
00:37:29.599 --> 00:37:32.000
Always, always creates a problem.
00:37:32.800 --> 00:37:56.480
You know, so and you know, again, when parents are raising children, starting families, everybody is doing their best, they're coming to the table with the tools and the resources that they were given, and now they're entrusted with all this other responsibility.
00:37:56.719 --> 00:38:13.280
But you know, the issue is I think that when parents or individuals, you know, hold these secrets and then pass these secrets down of or or let me just say in a different way.
00:38:14.960 --> 00:38:20.159
The lies, you know, of it it call them what they are.
00:38:21.840 --> 00:38:23.360
I mean, it's just a complete lie.
00:38:23.679 --> 00:38:37.679
Not only I think it's very divisive, I think it's very hurtful, and then you get to a point that child will get to a certain point in life where they see it and they're like, I know my parents are lying about this, you know.
00:38:38.320 --> 00:38:54.960
Too many people around me have said that what they told me wasn't true, you know, and uh these are people who who should who who know who would have known who would have known that it was not true because eventually it's gonna come out.
00:38:55.440 --> 00:39:07.679
It's gonna come out and it's gonna create uh resentment between you and your child uh because you just wouldn't tell me the truth.
00:39:07.840 --> 00:39:10.559
And even now in this moment, you won't tell me the truth.
00:39:10.719 --> 00:39:16.320
It's crazy that you say that because once again, in the movie, why not get married again?
00:39:17.039 --> 00:39:19.440
Rosalind, played by Taraji P.
00:39:19.519 --> 00:39:24.079
Henson, she's in a major conflict with her son uh Wesley.
00:39:24.239 --> 00:39:26.719
It's like he don't want nothing to do with her.
00:39:26.880 --> 00:39:41.199
He's mad that she's at the wedding, he's mad that the dad is not at the wedding, and all this is coming from secrets, lies, because she didn't want him to know who his dad really was.
00:39:42.320 --> 00:39:43.119
Are you okay?
00:39:43.360 --> 00:39:44.239
Why do you even care, okay?
00:39:44.880 --> 00:39:45.360
Let me check on it.
00:39:45.920 --> 00:39:46.960
Go be with the tutor.
00:39:47.519 --> 00:39:47.840
Go.
00:39:48.000 --> 00:39:49.679
Wesley, let her check on you.
00:39:49.840 --> 00:39:50.400
For what?
00:39:50.559 --> 00:39:51.760
She's never been there for me.
00:39:51.840 --> 00:39:53.360
It's always me and my dad.
00:39:53.599 --> 00:39:54.719
That's why he's not here now.
00:39:54.880 --> 00:39:56.719
The reason your dad's not here is because he has a drug.
00:39:58.000 --> 00:39:59.199
Just tell him.
00:39:59.519 --> 00:40:00.880
It is killing you, baby.
00:40:00.960 --> 00:40:02.000
Just tell him.
00:40:05.599 --> 00:40:06.559
Tell me.
00:40:11.920 --> 00:40:14.480
You really want to know why I was never around?
00:40:15.679 --> 00:40:18.800
Because your father is an addict with a record.
00:40:19.360 --> 00:40:21.440
Okay, he could not get a job.
00:40:22.639 --> 00:40:23.760
Oh shit.
00:40:24.239 --> 00:40:28.000
You you took all his money and divorced.
00:40:28.480 --> 00:40:29.039
He lied.
00:40:29.280 --> 00:40:30.320
Addicts lie.
00:40:30.719 --> 00:40:31.039
Okay?
00:40:31.840 --> 00:40:33.039
Addicts lied.
00:40:34.480 --> 00:40:36.320
I put food on the table.
00:40:36.400 --> 00:40:38.159
I made sure you had a life.
00:40:38.400 --> 00:40:39.760
Okay, that was me.
00:40:40.320 --> 00:40:46.559
And every choice I made was to protect the image that you had of your sorry ass father.
00:40:49.920 --> 00:40:52.239
Your father turned you against me.
00:40:52.639 --> 00:40:54.320
He tried to break me.
00:40:56.639 --> 00:40:58.079
And she kept it from him.
00:40:58.400 --> 00:41:04.400
And because she kept it from him, of course, in his mind, he's thinking like, she's just this awful person.
00:41:04.800 --> 00:41:08.320
My dad is this, she's this, my dad is this.
00:41:08.480 --> 00:41:32.800
And so it took them finally coming to um some type of conversation in the movie, and pretty much saying, No, I was the one that was out working and making sure you had clothes on your back and food to eat, while your daddy was taking all the money and spending it on his addiction, which was, you know, drugs.
00:41:33.039 --> 00:41:34.079
I paid for this.
00:41:34.320 --> 00:41:35.280
I did this.
00:41:35.599 --> 00:41:44.079
I was, you know, not sharing this stuff with you because I'm my job as your mom is to protect you.
00:41:44.320 --> 00:41:47.039
But now you got this person that's just angry.
00:41:47.199 --> 00:41:48.159
Yeah, chip on his shoulder.
00:41:49.119 --> 00:41:50.320
Chip on his shoulder.
00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:52.320
And not because I'm just mad.
00:41:52.400 --> 00:42:04.559
I woke up, mad, I woke up angry, mad and angry because there are so many missing pieces to the puzzle because a lot of stuff is just not making sense.
00:42:05.119 --> 00:42:07.519
That's that line by omission.
00:42:09.679 --> 00:42:10.480
Dope.
00:42:11.280 --> 00:42:12.800
Oh nope.
00:42:13.679 --> 00:42:14.079
Jeez.
00:42:14.880 --> 00:42:15.199
Dope.
00:42:16.079 --> 00:42:17.840
You know the code for that.
00:42:18.159 --> 00:42:19.119
Dope, nope.
00:42:19.280 --> 00:42:19.920
Dope, nope.
00:42:20.239 --> 00:42:21.199
Dope a nope.
00:42:21.280 --> 00:42:24.239
Your children should never see you argue.
00:42:25.039 --> 00:42:25.840
Nope.
00:42:26.480 --> 00:42:27.280
Nope.
00:42:27.440 --> 00:42:38.079
You know, again, back to, you know, the old school way of, you know, we just gonna keep this hush, hush, and we shouldn't argue in front of the kids again.
00:42:38.239 --> 00:42:40.320
They need to see respectful.
00:42:40.639 --> 00:42:44.719
Healthy ways, healthy ways of no hands.
00:42:45.119 --> 00:42:47.039
Little no hands.
00:42:49.199 --> 00:42:54.239
Dope or no, staying together for the kids is always better.
00:42:54.639 --> 00:42:55.199
Nope.
00:42:55.519 --> 00:42:57.119
No, Jesus.
00:42:57.280 --> 00:42:57.440
No.
00:42:58.320 --> 00:43:00.400
Please don't.
00:43:00.880 --> 00:43:07.199
When people say I only stayed with him because I wanted my child to grow up in a two-parent household, no.
00:43:07.440 --> 00:43:10.480
Say you stayed with that person because you wanted to stay with that person.
00:43:10.639 --> 00:43:11.280
You want to stay with him.
00:43:11.519 --> 00:43:12.000
You want to stay.
00:43:12.079 --> 00:43:20.719
It had nothing to do with two-parent household because if the parent ain't here half the time, it really is not a two-parent household.
00:43:21.280 --> 00:43:24.239
If you're doing everything by yourself, it's one and a half.
00:43:24.400 --> 00:43:25.519
It's not a two-parent household.
00:43:25.760 --> 00:43:26.559
One and a possible.
00:43:26.800 --> 00:43:35.440
If y'all cussing, fussing, and acting a fool all the time, are you doing the child harm or good?
00:43:35.599 --> 00:43:35.920
Right.
00:43:36.159 --> 00:43:36.719
Yeah.
00:43:37.039 --> 00:43:44.159
Dope note, your child doesn't need to know every detail, but they deserve to know the truth.
00:43:44.719 --> 00:43:45.519
Uh dope.
00:43:45.760 --> 00:43:46.000
Dope.
00:43:46.239 --> 00:43:46.480
Dope.
00:43:46.719 --> 00:43:47.440
Age appropriate.
00:43:47.760 --> 00:43:49.199
Age appropriate conversation.
00:43:49.360 --> 00:43:49.840
Yes.
00:43:50.079 --> 00:43:57.039
Um, you know, the conversations that you have with six year olds, you're gonna have a different conversation with a 16 year old.
00:43:57.760 --> 00:44:40.960
And also, in all Of this, I think it's great to allow your kids to see you not forgetting about you because they're watching you lose yourself sometimes daily to this person and what they got going on and what they're doing, or you you know, I I never forget I tell this this story, and um one day I'm gonna bring my mama on this uh this podcast when when she's here, um, because I know people probably think I'm lying and making some of this stuff up, so I'm gonna have to bring on this podcast.
00:44:41.119 --> 00:44:50.320
But I never forget um growing up, my dad um used to stay out late, stay out.
00:44:50.559 --> 00:45:01.199
And so my mom, instead of, you know, being at home with us, and she was at home with us, but she would pack us up, like get in the car, get in the car.
00:45:01.360 --> 00:45:04.400
It could be 10 o'clock at night, 11 o'clock at night, midnight.
00:45:04.480 --> 00:45:06.239
My mom would be like, get in the car.
00:45:06.480 --> 00:45:08.079
At first, we didn't know where we were going.
00:45:08.159 --> 00:45:09.440
We just thinking, hey, it's late.
00:45:09.519 --> 00:45:12.400
We just, you know, riding or whatever, taking a little stroll.
00:45:12.639 --> 00:45:20.880
My mom would literally ride and ride and ride and ride so she could find my dad's car parked somewhere.
00:45:21.039 --> 00:45:22.800
Now, my dad was slick now.
00:45:23.360 --> 00:45:28.480
If he was at this house, the car was parked at another house down at this house.
00:45:28.719 --> 00:45:32.320
So she would have to figure out which house he was which house.
00:45:32.480 --> 00:45:40.639
But after, you know, a couple of tries, a couple of nights or whatever, she will figure out, oh, I know exactly, you know, where he is.
00:45:41.199 --> 00:45:46.159
And, you know, my brothers and I, we would be in the car riding with her.
00:45:46.400 --> 00:45:49.119
Um, and my brothers, they're a little bit younger than I am.
00:45:49.199 --> 00:45:54.800
So sometimes I don't know if they really knew what was going on, what was happening.
00:45:54.880 --> 00:46:14.960
I mean, eventually they did, but I always knew because again, you know, I'm older, I'm growing up fast, I'm a little more mature, and it's like, man, um you get there and it's like you already know this is not gonna be a good situation because emotionally everybody is you know upset.
00:46:15.119 --> 00:46:19.599
He's upset because he's gotten caught, you upset because you called him.
00:46:19.760 --> 00:46:27.840
And in my mind, at some point I got to a point where I said, why does my mom continue to do this?
00:46:28.239 --> 00:46:38.960
Like she could be so much, you know, more content and be at peace, just enjoying, you know, her life.
00:46:39.119 --> 00:46:49.039
Y'all can still be cool, y'all can still be friends, y'all can still co-parent or whatever, but why do this when it's not going to what is it going to result in?
00:46:49.280 --> 00:46:52.480
Is that something that she grew up watching?
00:46:54.639 --> 00:47:05.920
That I couldn't tell you because again, when I met my grandparents, um, my grandparents had, you know, an amazing relationship.
00:47:06.159 --> 00:47:14.480
Now, this is not to say that before I came along that, you know, it wasn't some issues or whatever going on.
00:47:14.559 --> 00:47:17.199
And maybe my mom did see those issues.
00:47:17.360 --> 00:47:20.400
That's something, you know, her and I haven't discussed.
00:47:20.639 --> 00:47:21.760
I don't know.
00:47:22.239 --> 00:47:25.360
But I don't know if she saw it or not.
00:47:25.519 --> 00:47:26.159
She did it.
00:47:26.320 --> 00:47:27.119
I saw it.
00:47:27.280 --> 00:47:29.760
My sibling saw it, my brother saw it.
00:47:30.079 --> 00:47:38.320
And you see this person lose a little bit of themselves every time, you know, a little bit every time.
00:47:38.639 --> 00:47:41.119
Because now I'm chasing this person.
00:47:41.360 --> 00:47:47.920
Um when I'm not chasing this person, I'm at home worried about where this person is, when they coming home.
00:47:48.079 --> 00:47:57.440
And of course, you know, as time passed, she did get to a point where it's like, I don't care where he's at, what he's doing, I don't even care, you know, at this point.
00:47:57.679 --> 00:47:58.559
It is what it is.
00:47:58.719 --> 00:48:00.480
He's gonna show back up when you show up.
00:48:01.519 --> 00:48:07.679
And I I guess she just had made up in her mind at some point, I'm not going nowhere, I'm just gonna be here.
00:48:08.159 --> 00:48:12.880
Um, until that day she decided enough is enough.
00:48:13.840 --> 00:48:19.440
But at that point, we've watched years of this cycle.
00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:21.440
Years of this cycle.
00:48:21.679 --> 00:48:22.320
So yeah.
00:48:22.559 --> 00:48:23.440
That's heavy.
00:48:23.679 --> 00:48:33.199
Yeah, it is heavy, but you know, hey, so that's why I I really wanted to relate some of the movie.
00:48:33.360 --> 00:48:40.320
Um, and I know a lot of people say, I don't know about Tyler Perry, always do this, and Tyler Perry this and Tyler Perry that.
00:48:40.719 --> 00:48:46.320
Every one of his movies, I'm always gaining knowledge, information.
00:48:46.880 --> 00:48:52.639
He he shows us ourselves and relationships and things right there before our eyes.
00:48:52.800 --> 00:48:57.199
And to me, he puts it on, you he does it in a very simple way.
00:48:57.519 --> 00:49:03.199
It's not that complex where you can't get in there and figure out what's going on.
00:49:03.840 --> 00:49:11.840
So I just wanted to ask you one question, real quick, because I know we've been going a little long.
00:49:12.800 --> 00:49:14.239
Finish this sentence.
00:49:14.480 --> 00:49:19.199
Something I inherited about love that I'm keeping.
00:49:22.239 --> 00:49:29.840
Uh I inherited a selflessness about love.
00:49:30.480 --> 00:49:30.800
Okay.
00:49:32.480 --> 00:49:33.679
And I'll keep that.
00:49:34.239 --> 00:49:35.039
And you keep that?
00:49:35.280 --> 00:49:35.840
I'll keep that.
00:49:36.239 --> 00:49:36.559
Yeah.
00:49:37.519 --> 00:49:47.360
Something I inherited about love that I'm breaking is dishonesty.
00:49:47.920 --> 00:49:48.559
I like that.
00:49:49.039 --> 00:49:49.519
Dishonesty.
00:49:49.679 --> 00:49:54.159
I would have to piggyback on that one and say, yeah, that that would be me too.
00:49:54.800 --> 00:49:59.920
Dishonesty, making sure I'm always being candid and straightforward.
00:50:01.119 --> 00:50:07.119
Well, maybe breaking generational patterns doesn't mean blaming the generation before us.
00:50:07.440 --> 00:50:18.559
Maybe it means becoming, I don't know, just becoming aware and becoming everything that we need to be to break those cycles.
00:50:18.880 --> 00:50:31.039
Um, we can just decide just to keep trying to move forward the best way we know how, because we know that people are watching and we don't want this to continue to carry on.
00:50:31.280 --> 00:50:32.159
And with them.
00:50:32.480 --> 00:50:33.360
And you know what?
00:50:33.440 --> 00:50:40.400
Now we have the ability to seek resources to uh help us through those difficult moments.
00:50:40.639 --> 00:50:46.320
Where our parents may not have had those kinds of, you know, those kind of options back then.
00:50:46.559 --> 00:50:49.360
But now a lot of us have the ability to seek resources.
00:50:49.599 --> 00:50:55.039
Yeah, and now we're more conscious of, you know, what happened, what took place.
00:50:55.199 --> 00:50:57.440
We're definitely more conscious.
00:50:57.679 --> 00:51:00.079
So I leave this with our viewers.
00:51:00.320 --> 00:51:05.920
What if our children, your children, aren't supposed to repeat us?
00:51:06.239 --> 00:51:13.679
What if they're supposed to take what worked, heal what didn't, and create something healthier?
00:51:14.079 --> 00:51:16.480
I'm trying to take a live.
00:51:16.880 --> 00:51:17.920
Stay dope.