WEBVTT
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No, I
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Don't care,
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But they say I came here to stay
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Through the days.
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The most is wasn't lazy kid.
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He never gave up cuz I got God, God, the darkness turn the lights.
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Hi.
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And to another episode of hungry to live, my name is Rachel.
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And today I'm here with Sydney again for part two.
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So last week I talked with Sydney about being a gymnast, an NCAA athlete, going through multiple surgeries, having an eating disorder, not knowing she had an eating disorder until it was brought to her attention.
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Then having the eating disorder come and go as if it was a yo-yo diet.
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And then her feeling like she was incredibly at her best, but really it was the disease telling her no Sydney keep on going, keep on going.
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And she was just trying to heal from a surgery.
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So for those who haven't listened, I wanted to ask Sydney, can you please tell the listener how many surgeries you had throughout your career as a gymnast?
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So technically speaking, I have had five that I've been completely asleep for.
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They were all separate.
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However, when I had calf surgery, I had calf surgery on both legs at the same time in two different places.
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So technically nine, but actually five.
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Wow.
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Okay.
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And then, so it was the calf surgery.
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Was, was that your last one or was that your hip surgery?
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That I had calf surgery for compartment syndrome when I was 16.
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And then I last year had two surgeries for my hip for hip dysplasia.
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And then I recently just got the other one done the same exact thing, just different side.
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Got it.
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And during that time from 16 until now, how many times have you been in treatment for your eating disorder?
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Three.
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Three.
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Okay.
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Three three in a program.
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Okay.
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Three in a program.
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So I've been in therapy and dietician for, I would say probably 75% of those years, but in a program where I went every single day, three times.
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Okay.
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Thank you so much for bringing the listener up to speed.
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So when it comes to eating disorders, as we talked about last week, um, there are many kinds of eating disorders.
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And one thing that I wanted to really draw attention to and bring awareness to was excessive exercise.
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And this, what is the diagnosable term?
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It would be exercise bulimia, which is not something that is talked about often.
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And I think that it's so important to have this conversation because especially as an athlete, how did your excessive exercise play a part in what you thought was athleticism?
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I would say that's mainly how my eating disorder started.
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And like I've mentioned prior, I had no clue I had eating disorder because my sport, I was a gymnast.
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That's just what was expected of me.
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You were expected to put an extra work outside of practice.
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I mean, as a kid growing up, I practiced 25 plus hours a week and I was still expected to do more things outside of.
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So my brain already had this concept.
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It was conditioned to, this is normal.
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This is what we do.
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And I would go on the weekends and go to Santa Monica muscle beach and climb the ropes and do pullups and all of those things.
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And to me, that was so normal.
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All of my friends did it.
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I had privates before practice.
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So when I went to college and had freedom, that's just what I did because that's what I did my whole life.
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And no one had told me it was wrong and it made me a better gymnast.
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So in my head I was just doing the right thing and I was healing from major calf surgery.
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So in my head I needed to do extra because I was 10 steps behind everyone else.
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And I was trying to make up time.
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And that led me to become very good friends with our rec center and our gym when other people were not in it.
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Like we were allowed to go in and on the weekends alone, um, just for strength and cardio and to use the machines, not for actual gymnastics.
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Um, no one else did that.
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just me.
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However, being that I was recovering from surgery, that is really how my eating disorder eventually got to the point of a diagnosis.
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I would say I probably have had an eating dis.
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I would had very disordered eating my whole life.
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However, I was not diagnosed with my eating disorder until April of my freshman year of college.
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And I on Sunday mornings, we didn't have practice and Sunday was supposed to be our arrest day.
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Nothing.
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I, the wreck opened at seven 30 on Sunday, the later day of the week.
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And I was there before I opened waiting outside.
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My roommate was knocked out asleep.
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I was like really quiet in my dorm, getting all my stuff together.
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And I just kept telling myself, you know, no other people don't need to do this because they're already where they need to be.
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But I'm behind.
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And it worked, worked in quotations cause it did not work for a long period of time, but it worked until it didn't.
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And once you develop a correlation between, okay, exercising, more, eating more in whatever way that for me, it was a very orthorexic mindset, eating cleaner, whatever that word means, healthy or quote unquote foods and doing a lot more movement is getting me back to the gymnastics that I used to be able to do.
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I made that correlation so quickly and no one could tell me otherwise.
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And so that just became my college experience and it, like I said, it worked until it really didn't work.
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And even when I medically retired from gymnastics, I didn't know what to do with myself.
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I had trained so many hours a week and all of a sudden I was went to nothing and so running and I became friends.
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And now if you ask me, I hate running.
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I never wanna run again.
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unless it's to my car.
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Cause I forget something.
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But um, it really took control of everything.
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And the first two times I was in treatment, it was a big focus this time.
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Thankfully, it's not a problem anymore, but it's really hard.
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And no one tells you that that's a form of an eating disorder.
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No one, everyone praises you, no one says, you know, you're, you're doing this in order to change your body.
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It's a normalized concept.
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And normally the word bulimia in people's head, the initial thought is, I mean, exactly what you would think.
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However, there's so many forms of purging.
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And I didn't know that until I went to treatment and someone was like, yeah, just because like it's not coming out of your mouth.
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Doesn't mean that you're not, you're not purging.
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And that's exactly why, like you said, it's called exercise bulimia because it's just a different form, but we normalize it in society because we wanna be fit and all of these fad diets, fad workouts, and they all work until they don't.
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And I found that out the hard way.
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Um, so yeah,
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So you talked about, um, disordered eating versus eating disorder.
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And I think it's really important to define that for the listener disordered eating is having patterns that, of eating that are not normal and an eating disorder is when those patterns become your cycle of eating until you cannot control them.
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And they're controlling you, um, at any given time, like we live in, we live in a society where our portion size, for example is larger than a lot of other countries that in itself is disordered eating as, as a a country.
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We should look at that, but we're also in a society where diet culture is fed to us.
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And every other ad on my phone or on social media is literally like, take this pill or do this exercise or join this, uh, group of women and work out X amount of days a week because it hears my conversations and we are normalized to this idea that it's okay to, like, you need to look a certain way in order to be happy.
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And I'm assuming, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, going through treatment and being in a program, your intrinsic value is something you need to feel for yourself that food or any other addiction cannot take the place of.
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And you can't feel it because you're numbing yourself out
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A hundred percent
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Mm-hmm.
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And so I realized in terms of like my, um, exercise bulimia, that I was literally running away from my problems and numbing myself out until I literally either couldn't feel my legs or at this point, um, I knew I was having, I was getting back inside that cycle in my head because I have a scar on my knee now because at the beginning of COVID, I thought it was a great idea to run a certain amount every morning to start my day and a certain amount in the afternoon.
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And I fell, I tripped on the cement and I cut my leg and I have a scar from it, cuz it never healed because I didn't, you know, you start to have a lot of physical and biological issues and my skin never grew back the same way.
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So I'm reminded of a, like I have a physical scar from the disease and it's pretty incredible that you just got out of treatment in March.
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You said, right?
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Yeah.
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March 10th.
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Mm-hmm
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wow.
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So you got out of treatment in March and it is now this episode will be aired in June.
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So it hasn't been that long.
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How is it talking about your experiences so fresh out of your program?
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I think since this is the third time I've been in treatment, it's a little bit different because I have broken that wall of shame.
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And for me right now, the first time I was in treatment, I had no clue I had needed disorder.
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I was convinced I was fine and everyone else was crazy.
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The second time I was in treatment, it was very much a treatment.
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Hugging treatment felt really safe and it protected me from the world.
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And because I didn't have gymnastics, my eating disorder became like that was me.
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There was nothing else.
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It was just my eating disorder.
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And the third time was not my choice to go back to treatment.
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I had that choice made for me and the other two times, or at least the one in the middle I had the choice to go back.
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It's very different.
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When someone tells you, you have to go back to treatment and when you make the choice to go back to treatment, your motivation is very different.
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Let me tell you.
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And now, and I think because I didn't have the choice, I really had it.
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It took me probably like two months to get on the train.
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But the idea of, I don't want to be in treatment.
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I don't want this to be me.
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And so now I'm able to look at it as like, yes, everyone has their thing.
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This is my thing.
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And it's not all of me.
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And also I have no shame in talking about it because like it's part of my story.
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And I feel like that makes a really big difference in terms of talking about it.
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I think if you would ask me fresh out of round one, I, I don't think I could have talked about it.
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And also in the first time I went to treatment, I went through what is a lot of people call second puberty.
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It's super fun.
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And my body changed a lot.
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And so externally I couldn't connect and internally with the body that I was in.
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And so I don't think I would've been able to communicate to anyone else what was going on, cuz I didn't know what was going on.
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Whereas this time I think I'm able to come at it from a lens of, it was just the time I needed it.
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I needed to go and do it.
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And like I'm fully able to recognize for two months I did not wanna be there and I did not do anything anyone told me to do.
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I was, I was physically there, but I did not do anything I was supposed to do.
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And that is really, I think for me it really shows me the value.
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I have a lot of privilege to be able to go to treatment.
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Treatment is not something that everyone gets to go to.
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And once I figure that one out, I was able to use it to my advantage.
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And this time was really different.
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I think the first two times I went in, most athletes are very perfectionistic, but gymnasts tend to be, it has to be perfect, that's it?
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And it's a cultural thing.
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Unfortunately it gets taken to the extreme and I went into treatment and I was like, I'm gonna do everything they tell me to do.
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I'm gonna be perfect because I'm just gonna eat all the food.
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I'm gonna tell them, I'm sad.
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I'm gonna talk about my feelings and I'll be, I'll be better while I did that twice.
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It didn't not really work.
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Um, and the third time when I was really mad, when my treatment team said like, you don't have the option, this is happening.
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I was crying.
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I was really upset.
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And I really just, they just told me, you know, this time you need to let yourself struggle.
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You need to have a hard time.
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You need to have the mental breakdown.
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You need to not eat a hundred percent of what everyone's telling you.
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You need to take your time because that's how you do it.
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Right?
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And I feel like the athletic community, no one told me that everyone told me, you have to be perfect.
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You have to look perfect.
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You have to say, you know, when you're doing an interview or you're interviewing for a job or on TV, whatever it is, what you say needs to come out and articulate sentences and be on point.
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And no one ever told me that struggling would get me farther along than just being perfect.
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And this time I learned the hard way and I struggled a lot, a lot.
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It was really hard.
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And I left feeling a little bit like on my sure I'm supposed to be leaving.
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Um, because I'm not doing a hundred percent of everything.
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And my team said, no, Sydney, that, that means you're doing this right, because you're not doing it.
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Cuz someone told you to do it.
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You're not doing it to do it for two months.
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And then it falls apart, which is like all these fad diets, you know, they work for two months and then they're gone.
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Treatment is hard unless you get on board and that's the thing.
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You, you have to be on board or it doesn't last.
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And I think that's the hardest thing about eating disorder is the eating disorder voice takes so long to go away.
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It's so easy to go back to and it morphs itself.
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Anyone who struggles with it knows it, it morphs into things that sometimes you don't even know is an eating disorder.
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You're like, that's just like my regular thought process.
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And someone has to tell you, mm actually that's probably not so different times in treatment have given me different things.
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But I think the biggest thing is breaking down that wall of shame.
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And that's what this podcast does is, you know, this is not an abnormal thing.
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This is not something that is a weird thing.
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Or some people like this is a very common thing, but you're made to feel like you can't talk about it or it's bad or you are bad and that's just not true.
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Everyone has their thing.
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And this is my thing.
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And if this is your thing, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.
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It's just a matter of once.
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You know, it's a thing of taking action and trying to do the opposite thing and getting back on a track of actual health, not diet culture, health.
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So as you were saying that I was Googling because I agree it is way more prevalent than we make it known to be.
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It's way more prevalent for reasons like these fad diets.
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Um, it's also, we live in a, in a culture where it's really common for people to comment on your physical appearance.
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Oh, you look great.
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You must have lost weight.
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Why does that matter?
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Like why does the first thing somebody has to say when they haven't seen someone in a long time, what their body looks like instead of hi, how are you?
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How's it been in the last three months?
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I've seen you like that doesn't actually happen nearly as much as it should, but as you were, um, talking, I was Googling some stuff.
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So referral.com says that research research suggests that about 1% of female adolescents have anorexia in terms of bulimia research suggests that about 4% or four out of 100 college-aged women have bulimia about 50% of people who have been anorexic developed bulimia or bulimic patterns, males with eating disorders only about 10% of people with anorexia and bulimia are males.
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But in fact, out of all of the people who have been diagnosed, 10% is still a very large percentage of men who get diagnosed and it doesn't get talked about.
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And I think it's really important that people understand that going to the gym and doing something on a routine basis to build muscle and do this and do that and blah, blah, blah, whatever it is, those are beha eating disorder behaviors.
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And it really, really needs to be brought to the general public's awareness while they might not have an eating disorder by no means, am I diagnosing people who go to the gym on a daily basis?
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I'm just saying that there are, there are patterns that happen.
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And if anyone is having anyone listening is having any thoughts that they might be struggling with something.
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If, if you are having any thoughts, like definitely talk to a, a doctor, talk to somebody who is a medical professional that can help you because it is super important to know that you are not alone.
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And those statistics from a website that refers people with eating disorders to, um, other programs they're on the, that website for a reason.
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And it's to help people understand that they are not the only ones dealing with those issues.
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So I really wanted to say thank you again for expanding on your story cuz I know, wow, this is just still part of your story.
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And part of your eating disorder experience.
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You brought so much in the last episode about your eating disorder and then barely touched upon exercise bulimia.
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And I think that that was something that really needed to be talked about.
00:20:28.250 --> 00:20:41.200
And so something I wanna ask you is what is something you learned in treatment to help you cope when you felt like the only thing that you could do to cope was exercise?
00:20:42.829 --> 00:20:42.829
Hmm.
00:20:46.108 --> 00:20:46.769
Let me think on
00:20:46.769 --> 00:20:47.319
That for one second.
00:20:47.380 --> 00:20:51.039
But I wanted to touch really quickly on what you said about going to a medical professional.
00:20:53.400 --> 00:21:01.200
I have been told so many times by medical professionals who are not educated in eating disorders, things that are super, super unhelpful.
00:21:01.660 --> 00:21:21.108
So if, if anyone happens to go to a medical provider and they are very truly think that there is something going on and this medical professional tells you or is invalidating of no, because you're not X weight or you don't look a certain way or your symptoms don't add up exactly.
00:21:21.329 --> 00:21:30.220
Or your labs aren't offered, you have a period or any of these things go to another medical professional because there is such a lack of education.
00:21:30.730 --> 00:21:39.980
I've been in so many doctor's offices and told them I have an eating disorder and they look at me and automatically assume which one I have and that's just not fair.
00:21:40.519 --> 00:21:51.250
And so if you truly are really looking for help and no medical professional is able to give it to you, definitely try a different one.
00:21:51.660 --> 00:22:00.809
Psychology today has tons of references of eating disorder, specific dieticians doctors, someone who really knows what's going on because you do deserve the help.
00:22:01.380 --> 00:22:09.000
And it's not worth getting turned away by one ignorant doctor who doesn't all they think eating disorders are just not eating.
00:22:10.019 --> 00:22:10.240
Yes.
00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:29.470
I, I want to piggyback off that because I have to say about 10 years ago when I was going to, or 12 years ago, when I was gonna go into treatment myself, um, the insurance company denied it and said, my parents were gonna have to pay out of pocket because I wasn't quote unquote sick enough.
00:22:30.390 --> 00:22:31.589
So that's very common thing.
00:22:32.069 --> 00:22:32.710
It's very common.
00:22:33.289 --> 00:22:43.980
And this was a company that has never met me face to face, had no idea what I was going through, but because of the criteria, I didn't meet their criteria.
00:22:44.319 --> 00:22:58.250
And so yes, thank you so much for sharing that Sydney, because it's so important just because one person or one group or one medical facility or one insurance company says, no, if you need help, you need help.
00:22:58.250 --> 00:23:08.170
And you know, and if you are seeking that kind of treatment or that level of care or just help in general, then you know that that's what you need.
00:23:08.349 --> 00:23:15.170
And no one can tell you no, because it, you just know internally and please reach out.
00:23:15.171 --> 00:23:16.200
You can reach out to myself.
00:23:16.201 --> 00:23:17.118
You can reach out to Sydney.
00:23:17.618 --> 00:23:22.519
You can find me on instagram@hungarydotthenumbertwo.live.
00:23:22.579 --> 00:23:27.960
You can also find my website at Hungary, the number two live.com.
00:23:28.259 --> 00:23:29.440
You can find Sydney at
00:23:30.680 --> 00:23:35.190
Sydney underscore and just Sydney fried on Instagram.
00:23:36.750 --> 00:23:36.910
All right.
00:23:37.009 --> 00:23:40.190
And to, to get back to that one question, what was what's mechanism?
00:23:40.890 --> 00:23:45.880
So something for me that has been super helpful is finding other ways to move my body.
00:23:46.309 --> 00:23:48.519
That don't involve physical exercise.
00:23:49.059 --> 00:23:53.599
So for me, I got really into crafting because it was a way to use my hands.
00:23:54.140 --> 00:24:13.150
And that was a form of movement and things that I actually had to cognitively think about, not just like coloring in a coloring book that helped kind of, but only for about five minutes, but I really have come to love embroidery and sewing and things that you have to pay attention to, or, you know, things aren't gonna go very well.
00:24:14.220 --> 00:24:37.829
Also just typing poetry, doing school, things that I, my brain had to work, anything that could work a muscle that didn't involve me getting up and going out of my house and doing things that were gonna harm my body really have been the most helpful things to me because there are other ways to move your body that don't involve harming yourself.
00:24:38.569 --> 00:24:41.140
And I think that's also a big thing.
00:24:41.339 --> 00:24:43.900
And you kind of touched on it about running until your legs.
00:24:43.960 --> 00:24:50.940
You can't feel your legs and such people don't tell you that exercise can be a form of self-harm.
00:24:51.559 --> 00:24:52.980
It is a hundred percent.
00:24:53.039 --> 00:24:56.420
If you use it in the wrong way, it is, and it's super easy to twist it.
00:24:56.421 --> 00:25:02.368
And so I think that is a huge thing I got out of treatment is having my eyes open to like, oh yeah.
00:25:02.369 --> 00:25:08.529
Running in excruciating pain, probably not a good idea or doing gymnastics when you probably should be taking break.
00:25:08.950 --> 00:25:09.769
Not a good idea.
00:25:10.150 --> 00:25:25.930
And so finding things that, I mean, I think one is finding people who you can do stuff with to distract you from that go out of your house with other people who can take your mind or who you can talk to and cry to about why you can't go outside right now.
00:25:26.470 --> 00:25:37.430
But for me, the biggest thing when I'm alone is anything else that moves piano, an instrument who you name it, art typing, it seems to help the most.
00:25:37.910 --> 00:25:45.750
Uh, if your brain keeps busy, at least you can't be thinking about all the stuff you, probably your eating disorder wishes.
00:25:45.750 --> 00:25:46.309
It could be doing.
00:25:46.690 --> 00:25:48.069
Mm-hmm exactly.
00:25:50.160 --> 00:25:52.579
I'm just processing all of that because it it's so true.
00:25:52.580 --> 00:26:05.329
And for those who have not experienced this, and I hope you never have to experience this, it, you have to find things that it it's like as a special ed teacher.
00:26:05.589 --> 00:26:10.608
You have students that have accommodations in the classroom to make learning more accessible to them.
00:26:11.349 --> 00:26:19.220
We have to find accommodations in our life to make our things that we enjoy more accessible to us.
00:26:20.039 --> 00:26:42.930
And while we have, as you said, it's been conditioned while it's been conditioned that you need to have a balanced diet and exercise every day exercise every day for people like us looks different because something I've realized is when I now go and work out at the gym, I cannot be placed with somebody next to me in the same station.
00:26:43.559 --> 00:26:49.680
I, I do like a hit class and I cannot have somebody in the same station because that will trigger me to keep up with them.
00:26:50.220 --> 00:27:04.789
And me keeping up with them means I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone, which then means that I'm going to keep trying and trying and trying and trying, because I have a competitive mindset and I will do that until I throw up.
00:27:05.250 --> 00:27:06.430
And that is not healthy.
00:27:06.809 --> 00:27:07.670
And I know that now.
00:27:09.069 --> 00:27:09.069
So
00:27:09.868 --> 00:27:25.809
I've Well for me, I still, I, I have not gone back and used workout equipment besides the physical therapy workout equipment that I gently ride the bike, um, with no resistance.
00:27:25.829 --> 00:27:36.890
And I sit down, um, and last year when they told me, okay, we're gonna put you on the treadmill to start kind of getting your gate back to normal and maybe try a little light jog.
00:27:36.891 --> 00:27:40.670
And I, I was completely like, no, we can't do that.
00:27:40.671 --> 00:27:42.069
We're not I'm I cannot do that.
00:27:42.769 --> 00:27:47.670
And I actually ended up doing it and not compulsively moving after that.
00:27:48.130 --> 00:27:56.269
And so I think sometimes there is the balance of like, okay, we're gonna dip like our pinky toe in the water, and then we're gonna have a plan for after.
00:27:56.270 --> 00:27:59.019
And also my physical therapist knew about my eating disorder.
00:27:59.039 --> 00:28:02.259
So this wasn't something that like I was just doing in my own head.
00:28:02.980 --> 00:28:05.059
Um, there was a lot of supervision going on.
00:28:05.368 --> 00:28:10.079
However, I just, I completely agree with you.
00:28:10.080 --> 00:28:15.779
And I follow very similar patterns of when I'm next to people who are doing things.
00:28:16.329 --> 00:28:18.410
I wanna one up them.
00:28:18.670 --> 00:28:21.210
And honestly, I'm a big one uper for myself.
00:28:21.490 --> 00:28:24.690
I don't really need anyone else to be there, which is half of the problem.
00:28:25.358 --> 00:28:30.009
Because if you only wanna one up yourself, can't really get rid of that part.
00:28:30.010 --> 00:28:42.559
So it's finding, like you said, alternate ways to one up yourself, maybe you one up yourself by you watch an extra Netflix show or you watch five more minutes while you craft, instead of getting up to do whatever you do.
00:28:42.619 --> 00:28:45.640
And it doesn't start out as you just don't do the thing.
00:28:46.180 --> 00:28:50.960
It starts out as, okay, well, I waited five extra minutes to go run and then it's 10 minutes.
00:28:51.099 --> 00:28:52.829
And then I ran five minutes less.
00:28:53.450 --> 00:28:56.309
And, and then maybe I ran 40 minutes extra.
00:28:56.539 --> 00:28:57.630
It's all over the place.
00:28:57.660 --> 00:28:59.549
It's not a linear pattern at all.
00:28:59.550 --> 00:29:07.130
Anyone who has meeting disorder will tell you that there is no such thing as a linear recovery and recovery takes time.
00:29:07.549 --> 00:29:08.369
It takes time.
00:29:08.390 --> 00:29:17.960
And a lot of patience, a lot of patience, and a lot of sitting on your hands, almost of just your body is telling you to do one thing.
00:29:17.961 --> 00:29:23.849
And you have to completely divert because logically, you know, it's not true.
00:29:24.470 --> 00:29:27.720
However, that logic doesn't transfer into an emotional feeling.
00:29:27.900 --> 00:29:45.200
And I think also there's so many, so many people that I know, especially in the athletic community who struggle with anorexia or bulimia or an eating, whatever kind of eating disorder and then their recovery is to go back to, okay, well, I'm gonna track everything that I eat.
00:29:45.259 --> 00:29:46.440
I'm gonna do macros.
00:29:46.539 --> 00:29:47.359
I'm gonna do this.
00:29:48.140 --> 00:29:51.200
And that is just a different form of an needing disorder.
00:29:51.660 --> 00:29:57.759
It doesn't matter how it is micromanaging of your food.
00:29:57.859 --> 00:30:03.069
And there's a difference personally, for me, like for my dietician, she needs to know what I'm eating.
00:30:03.329 --> 00:30:07.509
So I have an app, but it's an eating disorder app and it tells you, oh, what are you feeling?
00:30:07.809 --> 00:30:09.430
Oh, how do you, blah, blah, blah.
00:30:09.529 --> 00:30:10.470
How does your stomach feel?
00:30:10.490 --> 00:30:33.029
All of these things tracking your food is not, it's a misconception that that is a form of recovery because when you go to a restaurant and you wanna have food freedom, which ideally is recovery, having food, freedom and independence from all these rules, you wanna be able to go to a restaurant and pick what you wanna eat and not have to think about it.
00:30:33.529 --> 00:30:39.140
You don't wanna think about how many grams of this you need and how many carbs and fats and proteins.
00:30:40.539 --> 00:30:44.150
It's just another way to accurately measure things.
00:30:44.609 --> 00:30:49.589
And one of the things that they teach you in treatment is that measuring all of your food is very disordered.
00:30:50.140 --> 00:30:53.109
It's not, you don't think it, people do it all the time.
00:30:54.170 --> 00:31:03.980
And so I think there's also a lot of fake recovery things that like, we all think are recovery, but it's because your eating disorders, like it's the less bad version.
00:31:05.420 --> 00:31:05.420
Yeah.
00:31:05.519 --> 00:31:11.910
I'm eating more, but I'm not really actually going in the direction that I should be.
00:31:12.299 --> 00:31:12.589
Yeah.
00:31:12.590 --> 00:31:21.140
It's, it's about balance and boundaries and you learn that in recovery and then that starts bleeding into your whole life, which makes your life even better.
00:31:21.359 --> 00:31:29.500
And there's so many things, but, um, I want to know what is something or where do you see yourself?
00:31:29.549 --> 00:31:34.740
Where is this new recovery that you are working through and working on?
00:31:35.230 --> 00:31:36.690
Where do you see yourself with that?
00:31:38.329 --> 00:31:44.089
I still think since I'm pretty fresh out of treatment, it's, it's a very up and down right now.
00:31:44.809 --> 00:31:51.450
Um, some days are great and some days are not, and that is completely normal.
00:31:51.549 --> 00:32:04.759
And I think I have to remind myself that just because I'm not in treatment, doesn't mean I should have everything together and leaving this time, not doing a hundred percent of everything and being the perfect client really was different.
00:32:05.059 --> 00:32:11.190
And I came out and I wasn't like, okay, I'm doing a hundred percent of my meal plan and everything is on par.
00:32:11.509 --> 00:32:13.940
I came out still needing to get more work done.
00:32:14.519 --> 00:32:23.700
And I think naturally when you leave treatment, there's a, a slight like backwards push because all of a sudden you're thrown into the world.
00:32:23.701 --> 00:32:24.940
You don't have as much support.
00:32:25.319 --> 00:32:26.700
Now you have to do this on your own.
00:32:26.960 --> 00:32:28.740
You have to find external motivations.
00:32:28.920 --> 00:32:29.779
And it's just hard.
00:32:30.440 --> 00:32:54.119
So I think it's definitely an up and down thing, but I think the biggest thing for me this time has been really finding things that I want to a look forward to and that I need to be recovered to do and finding things here and now in people that I like to see and things, and I think it's interesting this time around I'm able to do a lot more fear food challenges.
00:32:54.121 --> 00:33:02.589
Like that's been pretty cool, not something that has happened in the past, but there's also, and movement has been, I don't have movement bridges.
00:33:02.619 --> 00:33:03.069
It's great.
00:33:03.470 --> 00:33:06.109
That's, I've never experienced this and it's truly amazing.
00:33:06.890 --> 00:33:17.779
And also there's a lot of stuff that is still extremely hard and makes me cry sometimes and need to call my therapist and have a whole mental breakdown.
00:33:18.240 --> 00:33:24.740
So I just feel like in certain categories, there are things that are a lot better and there are things that still need a lot of work.
00:33:24.759 --> 00:33:27.779
And really everyone tells you this, but the work starts after treatment.
00:33:27.920 --> 00:33:29.380
The work is not done in treatment.
00:33:29.381 --> 00:33:35.970
Treatment is where you get on track and you get back on, on the train and you have so much support and help.
00:33:36.069 --> 00:33:39.849
And then recovery happens for, for you.
00:33:39.851 --> 00:33:44.130
It doesn't happen for your therapist or your dietician, and that's when you have to do it by yourself.
00:33:44.869 --> 00:33:46.089
And that's when it's really hard.
00:33:46.390 --> 00:33:49.849
So I feel like I'm at the beginning stages of moving in that direction.
00:33:49.859 --> 00:34:00.490
We're making progress, but progress looks different this time around than it has in the past, which sometimes is a little hard, but I'm coming to terms with it.
00:34:00.490 --> 00:34:06.650
And I think the more I talk about it, the more that I find in other people that it's a very similar situation.
00:34:07.150 --> 00:34:13.360
And I think that piece breaks the shame of self punishment, which leads into more behavioral things.
00:34:14.099 --> 00:34:19.280
So I think just being on this podcast has been great in allowing me to talk about it two times.
00:34:19.420 --> 00:34:31.150
And I mean, as much as I say it for other people, I say it so I can hear it myself and remind myself of, you know, what I have and what I, and what I have to lose, what I stand to gain all of these different things.
00:34:31.289 --> 00:34:43.349
And reminding myself that recovery is worth it, even though it's really, really hard, probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do and will do, to be honest, especially with how long it's lasted.
00:34:44.110 --> 00:34:47.190
Um, but it doesn't matter how long it's lasted.
00:34:47.190 --> 00:34:50.820
You're always able to still recover if you really want to.
00:34:51.199 --> 00:34:55.900
So I think that would be the biggest thing is it doesn't matter how long you've been in it.
00:34:55.900 --> 00:34:57.500
There's still hope for you to get out of it.
00:34:58.869 --> 00:35:12.519
So it sounds like what keeps you hungry to live is this constant yearning for more self discovery and to continue a healthy path of your, um, recovery.
00:35:12.619 --> 00:35:16.559
And I know I had asked you last episode, what keeps you hungry to live?
00:35:16.900 --> 00:35:30.789
And for those who haven't listened yet, you can listen again, or you can listen and then you can listen again, if you would like, um, Sydney talked about how she wants to be a NICU doctor and she has baby fever and all those amazing things.
00:35:31.829 --> 00:35:36.949
Um, but it, her recovery's essentially keeping her hungry to live.
00:35:37.059 --> 00:35:38.280
So thank you so much.
00:35:38.579 --> 00:35:42.960
And you may not think that this is gonna happen, but I wrote you another poem.
00:35:43.380 --> 00:35:44.239
I'm not sure about that.
00:35:44.340 --> 00:35:47.159
Yes all right.
00:35:48.349 --> 00:35:55.349
Restricting never won you a medal over exercising perpetuated what was mental numbers on this scale meant nothing to the judges.
00:35:55.420 --> 00:35:57.510
However, obsessing caused more.
00:35:57.510 --> 00:36:00.909
Self-inflicting grudges, physically feeling at your best.
00:36:01.179 --> 00:36:05.789
It's a disease and you failed its test because your body needed to heal and rest.
00:36:06.380 --> 00:36:14.030
Instead, you chose to train through the pain because your brain couldn't abstain from the cyclical criteria of your exercise.
00:36:14.659 --> 00:36:18.300
Bulimia, thank you so much Sydney for being on hungry to live.
00:36:18.559 --> 00:36:19.659
And thank you for listening.
00:36:20.190 --> 00:36:21.380
Thank you for having me
00:36:33.570 --> 00:36:41.409
Through the days the most years, it wasn't L again, he never gave up KA God
00:36:41.969 --> 00:36:41.969
Have
00:36:43.170 --> 00:36:46.730
Through the darkness, through the tears, turn the lights off face.
00:36:46.969 --> 00:36:48.610
My fear never gave up.
00:36:48.969 --> 00:36:51.000
KA gotta.
00:00:00.380 --> 00:00:01.719
No, I
00:00:01.770 --> 00:00:02.640
Don't care,
00:00:03.240 --> 00:00:09.480
But they say I came here to stay
00:00:11.750 --> 00:00:12.720
Through the days.
00:00:13.118 --> 00:00:15.679
The most is wasn't lazy kid.
00:00:16.199 --> 00:00:24.710
He never gave up cuz I got God, God, the darkness turn the lights.
00:00:37.549 --> 00:00:37.549
Hi.
00:00:37.710 --> 00:00:41.658
And to another episode of hungry to live, my name is Rachel.
00:00:41.960 --> 00:00:45.460
And today I'm here with Sydney again for part two.
00:00:46.200 --> 00:00:59.850
So last week I talked with Sydney about being a gymnast, an NCAA athlete, going through multiple surgeries, having an eating disorder, not knowing she had an eating disorder until it was brought to her attention.
00:01:00.479 --> 00:01:06.209
Then having the eating disorder come and go as if it was a yo-yo diet.
00:01:06.709 --> 00:01:17.519
And then her feeling like she was incredibly at her best, but really it was the disease telling her no Sydney keep on going, keep on going.
00:01:17.739 --> 00:01:19.319
And she was just trying to heal from a surgery.
00:01:20.379 --> 00:01:33.150
So for those who haven't listened, I wanted to ask Sydney, can you please tell the listener how many surgeries you had throughout your career as a gymnast?
00:01:34.409 --> 00:01:40.049
So technically speaking, I have had five that I've been completely asleep for.
00:01:40.051 --> 00:01:40.849
They were all separate.
00:01:41.159 --> 00:01:47.450
However, when I had calf surgery, I had calf surgery on both legs at the same time in two different places.
00:01:47.709 --> 00:01:50.730
So technically nine, but actually five.
00:01:52.069 --> 00:01:52.290
Wow.
00:01:52.870 --> 00:01:53.159
Okay.
00:01:53.340 --> 00:01:56.959
And then, so it was the calf surgery.
00:01:57.180 --> 00:01:59.680
Was, was that your last one or was that your hip surgery?
00:01:59.909 --> 00:02:03.560
That I had calf surgery for compartment syndrome when I was 16.
00:02:03.859 --> 00:02:09.319
And then I last year had two surgeries for my hip for hip dysplasia.
00:02:09.320 --> 00:02:13.789
And then I recently just got the other one done the same exact thing, just different side.
00:02:14.729 --> 00:02:15.110
Got it.
00:02:15.169 --> 00:02:22.789
And during that time from 16 until now, how many times have you been in treatment for your eating disorder?
00:02:23.319 --> 00:02:23.669
Three.
00:02:24.669 --> 00:02:24.669
Three.
00:02:24.990 --> 00:02:24.990
Okay.
00:02:25.270 --> 00:02:26.270
Three three in a program.
00:02:27.509 --> 00:02:27.509
Okay.
00:02:27.510 --> 00:02:28.229
Three in a program.
00:02:28.870 --> 00:02:39.560
So I've been in therapy and dietician for, I would say probably 75% of those years, but in a program where I went every single day, three times.
00:02:40.310 --> 00:02:40.599
Okay.
00:02:41.129 --> 00:02:44.280
Thank you so much for bringing the listener up to speed.
00:02:44.740 --> 00:02:52.509
So when it comes to eating disorders, as we talked about last week, um, there are many kinds of eating disorders.
00:02:53.289 --> 00:03:01.840
And one thing that I wanted to really draw attention to and bring awareness to was excessive exercise.
00:03:02.659 --> 00:03:07.719
And this, what is the diagnosable term?
00:03:07.740 --> 00:03:11.840
It would be exercise bulimia, which is not something that is talked about often.
00:03:12.340 --> 00:03:28.629
And I think that it's so important to have this conversation because especially as an athlete, how did your excessive exercise play a part in what you thought was athleticism?
00:03:30.280 --> 00:03:33.759
I would say that's mainly how my eating disorder started.
00:03:34.020 --> 00:03:43.039
And like I've mentioned prior, I had no clue I had eating disorder because my sport, I was a gymnast.
00:03:43.419 --> 00:03:45.080
That's just what was expected of me.
00:03:45.180 --> 00:03:47.800
You were expected to put an extra work outside of practice.
00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:55.110
I mean, as a kid growing up, I practiced 25 plus hours a week and I was still expected to do more things outside of.
00:03:55.449 --> 00:03:58.590
So my brain already had this concept.
00:03:58.729 --> 00:04:01.030
It was conditioned to, this is normal.
00:04:01.060 --> 00:04:01.990
This is what we do.
00:04:03.129 --> 00:04:12.550
And I would go on the weekends and go to Santa Monica muscle beach and climb the ropes and do pullups and all of those things.
00:04:12.610 --> 00:04:14.740
And to me, that was so normal.
00:04:14.879 --> 00:04:16.139
All of my friends did it.
00:04:16.778 --> 00:04:18.459
I had privates before practice.
00:04:19.079 --> 00:04:26.319
So when I went to college and had freedom, that's just what I did because that's what I did my whole life.
00:04:26.500 --> 00:04:30.439
And no one had told me it was wrong and it made me a better gymnast.
00:04:30.579 --> 00:04:35.990
So in my head I was just doing the right thing and I was healing from major calf surgery.
00:04:36.730 --> 00:04:41.550
So in my head I needed to do extra because I was 10 steps behind everyone else.
00:04:41.550 --> 00:04:43.189
And I was trying to make up time.
00:04:44.129 --> 00:04:54.060
And that led me to become very good friends with our rec center and our gym when other people were not in it.
00:04:54.060 --> 00:05:01.860
Like we were allowed to go in and on the weekends alone, um, just for strength and cardio and to use the machines, not for actual gymnastics.
00:05:02.778 --> 00:05:04.019
Um, no one else did that.
00:05:04.459 --> 00:05:05.100
just me.
00:05:05.930 --> 00:05:15.028
However, being that I was recovering from surgery, that is really how my eating disorder eventually got to the point of a diagnosis.
00:05:15.310 --> 00:05:17.870
I would say I probably have had an eating dis.
00:05:18.028 --> 00:05:20.350
I would had very disordered eating my whole life.
00:05:20.459 --> 00:05:24.829
However, I was not diagnosed with my eating disorder until April of my freshman year of college.
00:05:25.610 --> 00:05:31.540
And I on Sunday mornings, we didn't have practice and Sunday was supposed to be our arrest day.
00:05:31.569 --> 00:05:32.060
Nothing.
00:05:33.100 --> 00:05:38.300
I, the wreck opened at seven 30 on Sunday, the later day of the week.
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:40.980
And I was there before I opened waiting outside.
00:05:41.000 --> 00:05:42.620
My roommate was knocked out asleep.
00:05:43.100 --> 00:05:45.860
I was like really quiet in my dorm, getting all my stuff together.
00:05:47.110 --> 00:05:53.220
And I just kept telling myself, you know, no other people don't need to do this because they're already where they need to be.
00:05:53.240 --> 00:05:54.139
But I'm behind.
00:05:55.160 --> 00:06:02.439
And it worked, worked in quotations cause it did not work for a long period of time, but it worked until it didn't.
00:06:02.778 --> 00:06:25.079
And once you develop a correlation between, okay, exercising, more, eating more in whatever way that for me, it was a very orthorexic mindset, eating cleaner, whatever that word means, healthy or quote unquote foods and doing a lot more movement is getting me back to the gymnastics that I used to be able to do.
00:06:25.600 --> 00:06:29.240
I made that correlation so quickly and no one could tell me otherwise.
00:06:29.899 --> 00:06:38.269
And so that just became my college experience and it, like I said, it worked until it really didn't work.
00:06:39.088 --> 00:06:44.560
And even when I medically retired from gymnastics, I didn't know what to do with myself.
00:06:44.680 --> 00:06:50.278
I had trained so many hours a week and all of a sudden I was went to nothing and so running and I became friends.
00:06:50.338 --> 00:06:51.720
And now if you ask me, I hate running.
00:06:51.959 --> 00:06:52.879
I never wanna run again.
00:06:53.160 --> 00:06:54.350
unless it's to my car.
00:06:54.550 --> 00:06:55.310
Cause I forget something.
00:06:55.889 --> 00:06:58.990
But um, it really took control of everything.
00:06:59.050 --> 00:07:04.389
And the first two times I was in treatment, it was a big focus this time.
00:07:04.391 --> 00:07:08.629
Thankfully, it's not a problem anymore, but it's really hard.
00:07:08.630 --> 00:07:11.620
And no one tells you that that's a form of an eating disorder.
00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:21.279
No one, everyone praises you, no one says, you know, you're, you're doing this in order to change your body.
00:07:21.509 --> 00:07:22.639
It's a normalized concept.
00:07:23.660 --> 00:07:35.279
And normally the word bulimia in people's head, the initial thought is, I mean, exactly what you would think.
00:07:36.069 --> 00:07:39.680
However, there's so many forms of purging.
00:07:40.220 --> 00:07:47.680
And I didn't know that until I went to treatment and someone was like, yeah, just because like it's not coming out of your mouth.
00:07:48.230 --> 00:07:51.550
Doesn't mean that you're not, you're not purging.
00:07:52.009 --> 00:08:08.589
And that's exactly why, like you said, it's called exercise bulimia because it's just a different form, but we normalize it in society because we wanna be fit and all of these fad diets, fad workouts, and they all work until they don't.
00:08:08.850 --> 00:08:10.819
And I found that out the hard way.
00:08:11.500 --> 00:08:12.379
Um, so yeah,
00:08:13.879 --> 00:08:19.220
So you talked about, um, disordered eating versus eating disorder.
00:08:19.319 --> 00:08:41.330
And I think it's really important to define that for the listener disordered eating is having patterns that, of eating that are not normal and an eating disorder is when those patterns become your cycle of eating until you cannot control them.
00:08:41.331 --> 00:08:56.879
And they're controlling you, um, at any given time, like we live in, we live in a society where our portion size, for example is larger than a lot of other countries that in itself is disordered eating as, as a a country.
00:08:56.980 --> 00:09:01.678
We should look at that, but we're also in a society where diet culture is fed to us.
00:09:01.980 --> 00:09:30.029
And every other ad on my phone or on social media is literally like, take this pill or do this exercise or join this, uh, group of women and work out X amount of days a week because it hears my conversations and we are normalized to this idea that it's okay to, like, you need to look a certain way in order to be happy.
00:09:31.090 --> 00:09:46.860
And I'm assuming, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, going through treatment and being in a program, your intrinsic value is something you need to feel for yourself that food or any other addiction cannot take the place of.
00:09:46.860 --> 00:09:48.899
And you can't feel it because you're numbing yourself out
00:09:49.700 --> 00:09:50.299
A hundred percent
00:09:50.710 --> 00:09:51.210
Mm-hmm.
00:09:51.308 --> 00:10:29.190
And so I realized in terms of like my, um, exercise bulimia, that I was literally running away from my problems and numbing myself out until I literally either couldn't feel my legs or at this point, um, I knew I was having, I was getting back inside that cycle in my head because I have a scar on my knee now because at the beginning of COVID, I thought it was a great idea to run a certain amount every morning to start my day and a certain amount in the afternoon.
00:10:29.970 --> 00:10:46.940
And I fell, I tripped on the cement and I cut my leg and I have a scar from it, cuz it never healed because I didn't, you know, you start to have a lot of physical and biological issues and my skin never grew back the same way.
00:10:47.320 --> 00:11:00.139
So I'm reminded of a, like I have a physical scar from the disease and it's pretty incredible that you just got out of treatment in March.
00:11:00.200 --> 00:11:00.820
You said, right?
00:11:01.049 --> 00:11:01.340
Yeah.
00:11:01.340 --> 00:11:02.019
March 10th.
00:11:02.039 --> 00:11:02.460
Mm-hmm
00:11:02.500 --> 00:11:03.178
wow.
00:11:03.558 --> 00:11:11.889
So you got out of treatment in March and it is now this episode will be aired in June.
00:11:12.710 --> 00:11:14.769
So it hasn't been that long.
00:11:14.990 --> 00:11:20.289
How is it talking about your experiences so fresh out of your program?
00:11:21.690 --> 00:11:29.159
I think since this is the third time I've been in treatment, it's a little bit different because I have broken that wall of shame.
00:11:29.500 --> 00:11:35.039
And for me right now, the first time I was in treatment, I had no clue I had needed disorder.
00:11:35.159 --> 00:11:37.320
I was convinced I was fine and everyone else was crazy.
00:11:37.980 --> 00:11:41.480
The second time I was in treatment, it was very much a treatment.
00:11:41.629 --> 00:11:45.190
Hugging treatment felt really safe and it protected me from the world.
00:11:45.649 --> 00:11:50.269
And because I didn't have gymnastics, my eating disorder became like that was me.
00:11:50.279 --> 00:11:51.190
There was nothing else.
00:11:51.191 --> 00:11:52.269
It was just my eating disorder.
00:11:52.769 --> 00:11:57.649
And the third time was not my choice to go back to treatment.
00:11:57.850 --> 00:12:03.889
I had that choice made for me and the other two times, or at least the one in the middle I had the choice to go back.
00:12:04.240 --> 00:12:05.129
It's very different.
00:12:05.130 --> 00:12:11.570
When someone tells you, you have to go back to treatment and when you make the choice to go back to treatment, your motivation is very different.
00:12:11.740 --> 00:12:12.360
Let me tell you.
00:12:13.259 --> 00:12:18.360
And now, and I think because I didn't have the choice, I really had it.
00:12:18.379 --> 00:12:21.480
It took me probably like two months to get on the train.
00:12:21.580 --> 00:12:24.799
But the idea of, I don't want to be in treatment.
00:12:24.960 --> 00:12:26.279
I don't want this to be me.
00:12:26.379 --> 00:12:30.710
And so now I'm able to look at it as like, yes, everyone has their thing.
00:12:30.711 --> 00:12:31.549
This is my thing.
00:12:31.551 --> 00:12:32.750
And it's not all of me.
00:12:32.970 --> 00:12:37.549
And also I have no shame in talking about it because like it's part of my story.
00:12:38.049 --> 00:12:42.389
And I feel like that makes a really big difference in terms of talking about it.
00:12:42.428 --> 00:12:46.710
I think if you would ask me fresh out of round one, I, I don't think I could have talked about it.
00:12:47.289 --> 00:12:54.419
And also in the first time I went to treatment, I went through what is a lot of people call second puberty.
00:12:54.419 --> 00:12:55.139
It's super fun.
00:12:55.879 --> 00:12:58.700
And my body changed a lot.
00:12:58.879 --> 00:13:04.399
And so externally I couldn't connect and internally with the body that I was in.
00:13:04.980 --> 00:13:10.509
And so I don't think I would've been able to communicate to anyone else what was going on, cuz I didn't know what was going on.
00:13:10.820 --> 00:13:21.159
Whereas this time I think I'm able to come at it from a lens of, it was just the time I needed it.
00:13:21.160 --> 00:13:22.200
I needed to go and do it.
00:13:22.201 --> 00:13:28.308
And like I'm fully able to recognize for two months I did not wanna be there and I did not do anything anyone told me to do.
00:13:28.509 --> 00:13:32.190
I was, I was physically there, but I did not do anything I was supposed to do.
00:13:32.808 --> 00:13:38.129
And that is really, I think for me it really shows me the value.
00:13:38.250 --> 00:13:40.289
I have a lot of privilege to be able to go to treatment.
00:13:40.289 --> 00:13:42.450
Treatment is not something that everyone gets to go to.
00:13:43.308 --> 00:13:48.159
And once I figure that one out, I was able to use it to my advantage.
00:13:48.940 --> 00:13:51.799
And this time was really different.
00:13:51.960 --> 00:14:01.720
I think the first two times I went in, most athletes are very perfectionistic, but gymnasts tend to be, it has to be perfect, that's it?
00:14:02.299 --> 00:14:04.509
And it's a cultural thing.
00:14:04.510 --> 00:14:11.590
Unfortunately it gets taken to the extreme and I went into treatment and I was like, I'm gonna do everything they tell me to do.
00:14:12.049 --> 00:14:15.389
I'm gonna be perfect because I'm just gonna eat all the food.
00:14:15.610 --> 00:14:16.710
I'm gonna tell them, I'm sad.
00:14:16.889 --> 00:14:20.950
I'm gonna talk about my feelings and I'll be, I'll be better while I did that twice.
00:14:20.951 --> 00:14:22.259
It didn't not really work.
00:14:23.179 --> 00:14:29.620
Um, and the third time when I was really mad, when my treatment team said like, you don't have the option, this is happening.
00:14:31.059 --> 00:14:31.740
I was crying.
00:14:31.899 --> 00:14:32.860
I was really upset.
00:14:33.360 --> 00:14:40.230
And I really just, they just told me, you know, this time you need to let yourself struggle.
00:14:40.330 --> 00:14:41.309
You need to have a hard time.
00:14:41.311 --> 00:14:43.019
You need to have the mental breakdown.
00:14:43.080 --> 00:14:46.539
You need to not eat a hundred percent of what everyone's telling you.
00:14:46.559 --> 00:14:49.500
You need to take your time because that's how you do it.
00:14:49.500 --> 00:14:49.820
Right?
00:14:50.279 --> 00:14:56.490
And I feel like the athletic community, no one told me that everyone told me, you have to be perfect.
00:14:56.509 --> 00:14:57.409
You have to look perfect.
00:14:57.509 --> 00:15:08.250
You have to say, you know, when you're doing an interview or you're interviewing for a job or on TV, whatever it is, what you say needs to come out and articulate sentences and be on point.
00:15:08.429 --> 00:15:16.570
And no one ever told me that struggling would get me farther along than just being perfect.
00:15:17.509 --> 00:15:23.169
And this time I learned the hard way and I struggled a lot, a lot.
00:15:23.190 --> 00:15:24.129
It was really hard.
00:15:24.710 --> 00:15:30.039
And I left feeling a little bit like on my sure I'm supposed to be leaving.
00:15:30.759 --> 00:15:32.799
Um, because I'm not doing a hundred percent of everything.
00:15:33.259 --> 00:15:40.639
And my team said, no, Sydney, that, that means you're doing this right, because you're not doing it.
00:15:40.799 --> 00:15:41.840
Cuz someone told you to do it.
00:15:41.841 --> 00:15:45.200
You're not doing it to do it for two months.
00:15:45.220 --> 00:15:49.990
And then it falls apart, which is like all these fad diets, you know, they work for two months and then they're gone.
00:15:51.190 --> 00:15:54.480
Treatment is hard unless you get on board and that's the thing.
00:15:54.740 --> 00:15:57.720
You, you have to be on board or it doesn't last.
00:15:58.139 --> 00:16:03.600
And I think that's the hardest thing about eating disorder is the eating disorder voice takes so long to go away.
00:16:03.750 --> 00:16:07.269
It's so easy to go back to and it morphs itself.
00:16:07.330 --> 00:16:13.230
Anyone who struggles with it knows it, it morphs into things that sometimes you don't even know is an eating disorder.
00:16:13.230 --> 00:16:15.389
You're like, that's just like my regular thought process.
00:16:16.049 --> 00:16:26.639
And someone has to tell you, mm actually that's probably not so different times in treatment have given me different things.
00:16:27.259 --> 00:16:29.679
But I think the biggest thing is breaking down that wall of shame.
00:16:29.740 --> 00:16:34.519
And that's what this podcast does is, you know, this is not an abnormal thing.
00:16:34.710 --> 00:16:37.480
This is not something that is a weird thing.
00:16:37.620 --> 00:16:48.799
Or some people like this is a very common thing, but you're made to feel like you can't talk about it or it's bad or you are bad and that's just not true.
00:16:49.679 --> 00:16:50.639
Everyone has their thing.
00:16:51.179 --> 00:16:53.730
And this is my thing.
00:16:53.750 --> 00:16:57.610
And if this is your thing, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.
00:16:58.320 --> 00:17:00.169
It's just a matter of once.
00:17:00.171 --> 00:17:11.380
You know, it's a thing of taking action and trying to do the opposite thing and getting back on a track of actual health, not diet culture, health.
00:17:13.039 --> 00:17:20.380
So as you were saying that I was Googling because I agree it is way more prevalent than we make it known to be.
00:17:21.480 --> 00:17:24.970
It's way more prevalent for reasons like these fad diets.
00:17:25.730 --> 00:17:35.130
Um, it's also, we live in a, in a culture where it's really common for people to comment on your physical appearance.
00:17:35.950 --> 00:17:38.170
Oh, you look great.
00:17:38.430 --> 00:17:39.680
You must have lost weight.
00:17:40.099 --> 00:17:41.039
Why does that matter?
00:17:41.309 --> 00:17:48.358
Like why does the first thing somebody has to say when they haven't seen someone in a long time, what their body looks like instead of hi, how are you?
00:17:48.410 --> 00:17:50.358
How's it been in the last three months?
00:17:50.359 --> 00:18:01.690
I've seen you like that doesn't actually happen nearly as much as it should, but as you were, um, talking, I was Googling some stuff.
00:18:01.750 --> 00:18:34.849
So referral.com says that research research suggests that about 1% of female adolescents have anorexia in terms of bulimia research suggests that about 4% or four out of 100 college-aged women have bulimia about 50% of people who have been anorexic developed bulimia or bulimic patterns, males with eating disorders only about 10% of people with anorexia and bulimia are males.
00:18:35.390 --> 00:18:47.118
But in fact, out of all of the people who have been diagnosed, 10% is still a very large percentage of men who get diagnosed and it doesn't get talked about.
00:18:47.259 --> 00:19:07.349
And I think it's really important that people understand that going to the gym and doing something on a routine basis to build muscle and do this and do that and blah, blah, blah, whatever it is, those are beha eating disorder behaviors.
00:19:08.490 --> 00:19:17.309
And it really, really needs to be brought to the general public's awareness while they might not have an eating disorder by no means, am I diagnosing people who go to the gym on a daily basis?
00:19:18.009 --> 00:19:22.140
I'm just saying that there are, there are patterns that happen.
00:19:23.160 --> 00:19:31.059
And if anyone is having anyone listening is having any thoughts that they might be struggling with something.
00:19:31.160 --> 00:19:43.769
If, if you are having any thoughts, like definitely talk to a, a doctor, talk to somebody who is a medical professional that can help you because it is super important to know that you are not alone.
00:19:44.069 --> 00:19:56.289
And those statistics from a website that refers people with eating disorders to, um, other programs they're on the, that website for a reason.
00:19:56.589 --> 00:20:01.240
And it's to help people understand that they are not the only ones dealing with those issues.
00:20:02.059 --> 00:20:11.839
So I really wanted to say thank you again for expanding on your story cuz I know, wow, this is just still part of your story.
00:20:11.940 --> 00:20:14.599
And part of your eating disorder experience.
00:20:16.059 --> 00:20:25.069
You brought so much in the last episode about your eating disorder and then barely touched upon exercise bulimia.
00:20:25.170 --> 00:20:28.230
And I think that that was something that really needed to be talked about.
00:20:28.250 --> 00:20:41.200
And so something I wanna ask you is what is something you learned in treatment to help you cope when you felt like the only thing that you could do to cope was exercise?
00:20:42.829 --> 00:20:42.829
Hmm.
00:20:46.108 --> 00:20:46.769
Let me think on
00:20:46.769 --> 00:20:47.319
That for one second.
00:20:47.380 --> 00:20:51.039
But I wanted to touch really quickly on what you said about going to a medical professional.
00:20:53.400 --> 00:21:01.200
I have been told so many times by medical professionals who are not educated in eating disorders, things that are super, super unhelpful.
00:21:01.660 --> 00:21:21.108
So if, if anyone happens to go to a medical provider and they are very truly think that there is something going on and this medical professional tells you or is invalidating of no, because you're not X weight or you don't look a certain way or your symptoms don't add up exactly.
00:21:21.329 --> 00:21:30.220
Or your labs aren't offered, you have a period or any of these things go to another medical professional because there is such a lack of education.
00:21:30.730 --> 00:21:39.980
I've been in so many doctor's offices and told them I have an eating disorder and they look at me and automatically assume which one I have and that's just not fair.
00:21:40.519 --> 00:21:51.250
And so if you truly are really looking for help and no medical professional is able to give it to you, definitely try a different one.
00:21:51.660 --> 00:22:00.809
Psychology today has tons of references of eating disorder, specific dieticians doctors, someone who really knows what's going on because you do deserve the help.
00:22:01.380 --> 00:22:09.000
And it's not worth getting turned away by one ignorant doctor who doesn't all they think eating disorders are just not eating.
00:22:10.019 --> 00:22:10.240
Yes.
00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:29.470
I, I want to piggyback off that because I have to say about 10 years ago when I was going to, or 12 years ago, when I was gonna go into treatment myself, um, the insurance company denied it and said, my parents were gonna have to pay out of pocket because I wasn't quote unquote sick enough.
00:22:30.390 --> 00:22:31.589
So that's very common thing.
00:22:32.069 --> 00:22:32.710
It's very common.
00:22:33.289 --> 00:22:43.980
And this was a company that has never met me face to face, had no idea what I was going through, but because of the criteria, I didn't meet their criteria.
00:22:44.319 --> 00:22:58.250
And so yes, thank you so much for sharing that Sydney, because it's so important just because one person or one group or one medical facility or one insurance company says, no, if you need help, you need help.
00:22:58.250 --> 00:23:08.170
And you know, and if you are seeking that kind of treatment or that level of care or just help in general, then you know that that's what you need.
00:23:08.349 --> 00:23:15.170
And no one can tell you no, because it, you just know internally and please reach out.
00:23:15.171 --> 00:23:16.200
You can reach out to myself.
00:23:16.201 --> 00:23:17.118
You can reach out to Sydney.
00:23:17.618 --> 00:23:22.519
You can find me on instagram@hungarydotthenumbertwo.live.
00:23:22.579 --> 00:23:27.960
You can also find my website at Hungary, the number two live.com.
00:23:28.259 --> 00:23:29.440
You can find Sydney at
00:23:30.680 --> 00:23:35.190
Sydney underscore and just Sydney fried on Instagram.
00:23:36.750 --> 00:23:36.910
All right.
00:23:37.009 --> 00:23:40.190
And to, to get back to that one question, what was what's mechanism?
00:23:40.890 --> 00:23:45.880
So something for me that has been super helpful is finding other ways to move my body.
00:23:46.309 --> 00:23:48.519
That don't involve physical exercise.
00:23:49.059 --> 00:23:53.599
So for me, I got really into crafting because it was a way to use my hands.
00:23:54.140 --> 00:24:13.150
And that was a form of movement and things that I actually had to cognitively think about, not just like coloring in a coloring book that helped kind of, but only for about five minutes, but I really have come to love embroidery and sewing and things that you have to pay attention to, or, you know, things aren't gonna go very well.
00:24:14.220 --> 00:24:37.829
Also just typing poetry, doing school, things that I, my brain had to work, anything that could work a muscle that didn't involve me getting up and going out of my house and doing things that were gonna harm my body really have been the most helpful things to me because there are other ways to move your body that don't involve harming yourself.
00:24:38.569 --> 00:24:41.140
And I think that's also a big thing.
00:24:41.339 --> 00:24:43.900
And you kind of touched on it about running until your legs.
00:24:43.960 --> 00:24:50.940
You can't feel your legs and such people don't tell you that exercise can be a form of self-harm.
00:24:51.559 --> 00:24:52.980
It is a hundred percent.
00:24:53.039 --> 00:24:56.420
If you use it in the wrong way, it is, and it's super easy to twist it.
00:24:56.421 --> 00:25:02.368
And so I think that is a huge thing I got out of treatment is having my eyes open to like, oh yeah.
00:25:02.369 --> 00:25:08.529
Running in excruciating pain, probably not a good idea or doing gymnastics when you probably should be taking break.
00:25:08.950 --> 00:25:09.769
Not a good idea.
00:25:10.150 --> 00:25:25.930
And so finding things that, I mean, I think one is finding people who you can do stuff with to distract you from that go out of your house with other people who can take your mind or who you can talk to and cry to about why you can't go outside right now.
00:25:26.470 --> 00:25:37.430
But for me, the biggest thing when I'm alone is anything else that moves piano, an instrument who you name it, art typing, it seems to help the most.
00:25:37.910 --> 00:25:45.750
Uh, if your brain keeps busy, at least you can't be thinking about all the stuff you, probably your eating disorder wishes.
00:25:45.750 --> 00:25:46.309
It could be doing.
00:25:46.690 --> 00:25:48.069
Mm-hmm exactly.
00:25:50.160 --> 00:25:52.579
I'm just processing all of that because it it's so true.
00:25:52.580 --> 00:26:05.329
And for those who have not experienced this, and I hope you never have to experience this, it, you have to find things that it it's like as a special ed teacher.
00:26:05.589 --> 00:26:10.608
You have students that have accommodations in the classroom to make learning more accessible to them.
00:26:11.349 --> 00:26:19.220
We have to find accommodations in our life to make our things that we enjoy more accessible to us.
00:26:20.039 --> 00:26:42.930
And while we have, as you said, it's been conditioned while it's been conditioned that you need to have a balanced diet and exercise every day exercise every day for people like us looks different because something I've realized is when I now go and work out at the gym, I cannot be placed with somebody next to me in the same station.
00:26:43.559 --> 00:26:49.680
I, I do like a hit class and I cannot have somebody in the same station because that will trigger me to keep up with them.
00:26:50.220 --> 00:27:04.789
And me keeping up with them means I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone, which then means that I'm going to keep trying and trying and trying and trying, because I have a competitive mindset and I will do that until I throw up.
00:27:05.250 --> 00:27:06.430
And that is not healthy.
00:27:06.809 --> 00:27:07.670
And I know that now.
00:27:09.069 --> 00:27:09.069
So
00:27:09.868 --> 00:27:25.809
I've Well for me, I still, I, I have not gone back and used workout equipment besides the physical therapy workout equipment that I gently ride the bike, um, with no resistance.
00:27:25.829 --> 00:27:36.890
And I sit down, um, and last year when they told me, okay, we're gonna put you on the treadmill to start kind of getting your gate back to normal and maybe try a little light jog.
00:27:36.891 --> 00:27:40.670
And I, I was completely like, no, we can't do that.
00:27:40.671 --> 00:27:42.069
We're not I'm I cannot do that.
00:27:42.769 --> 00:27:47.670
And I actually ended up doing it and not compulsively moving after that.
00:27:48.130 --> 00:27:56.269
And so I think sometimes there is the balance of like, okay, we're gonna dip like our pinky toe in the water, and then we're gonna have a plan for after.
00:27:56.270 --> 00:27:59.019
And also my physical therapist knew about my eating disorder.
00:27:59.039 --> 00:28:02.259
So this wasn't something that like I was just doing in my own head.
00:28:02.980 --> 00:28:05.059
Um, there was a lot of supervision going on.
00:28:05.368 --> 00:28:10.079
However, I just, I completely agree with you.
00:28:10.080 --> 00:28:15.779
And I follow very similar patterns of when I'm next to people who are doing things.
00:28:16.329 --> 00:28:18.410
I wanna one up them.
00:28:18.670 --> 00:28:21.210
And honestly, I'm a big one uper for myself.
00:28:21.490 --> 00:28:24.690
I don't really need anyone else to be there, which is half of the problem.
00:28:25.358 --> 00:28:30.009
Because if you only wanna one up yourself, can't really get rid of that part.
00:28:30.010 --> 00:28:42.559
So it's finding, like you said, alternate ways to one up yourself, maybe you one up yourself by you watch an extra Netflix show or you watch five more minutes while you craft, instead of getting up to do whatever you do.
00:28:42.619 --> 00:28:45.640
And it doesn't start out as you just don't do the thing.
00:28:46.180 --> 00:28:50.960
It starts out as, okay, well, I waited five extra minutes to go run and then it's 10 minutes.
00:28:51.099 --> 00:28:52.829
And then I ran five minutes less.
00:28:53.450 --> 00:28:56.309
And, and then maybe I ran 40 minutes extra.
00:28:56.539 --> 00:28:57.630
It's all over the place.
00:28:57.660 --> 00:28:59.549
It's not a linear pattern at all.
00:28:59.550 --> 00:29:07.130
Anyone who has meeting disorder will tell you that there is no such thing as a linear recovery and recovery takes time.
00:29:07.549 --> 00:29:08.369
It takes time.
00:29:08.390 --> 00:29:17.960
And a lot of patience, a lot of patience, and a lot of sitting on your hands, almost of just your body is telling you to do one thing.
00:29:17.961 --> 00:29:23.849
And you have to completely divert because logically, you know, it's not true.
00:29:24.470 --> 00:29:27.720
However, that logic doesn't transfer into an emotional feeling.
00:29:27.900 --> 00:29:45.200
And I think also there's so many, so many people that I know, especially in the athletic community who struggle with anorexia or bulimia or an eating, whatever kind of eating disorder and then their recovery is to go back to, okay, well, I'm gonna track everything that I eat.
00:29:45.259 --> 00:29:46.440
I'm gonna do macros.
00:29:46.539 --> 00:29:47.359
I'm gonna do this.
00:29:48.140 --> 00:29:51.200
And that is just a different form of an needing disorder.
00:29:51.660 --> 00:29:57.759
It doesn't matter how it is micromanaging of your food.
00:29:57.859 --> 00:30:03.069
And there's a difference personally, for me, like for my dietician, she needs to know what I'm eating.
00:30:03.329 --> 00:30:07.509
So I have an app, but it's an eating disorder app and it tells you, oh, what are you feeling?
00:30:07.809 --> 00:30:09.430
Oh, how do you, blah, blah, blah.
00:30:09.529 --> 00:30:10.470
How does your stomach feel?
00:30:10.490 --> 00:30:33.029
All of these things tracking your food is not, it's a misconception that that is a form of recovery because when you go to a restaurant and you wanna have food freedom, which ideally is recovery, having food, freedom and independence from all these rules, you wanna be able to go to a restaurant and pick what you wanna eat and not have to think about it.
00:30:33.529 --> 00:30:39.140
You don't wanna think about how many grams of this you need and how many carbs and fats and proteins.
00:30:40.539 --> 00:30:44.150
It's just another way to accurately measure things.
00:30:44.609 --> 00:30:49.589
And one of the things that they teach you in treatment is that measuring all of your food is very disordered.
00:30:50.140 --> 00:30:53.109
It's not, you don't think it, people do it all the time.
00:30:54.170 --> 00:31:03.980
And so I think there's also a lot of fake recovery things that like, we all think are recovery, but it's because your eating disorders, like it's the less bad version.
00:31:05.420 --> 00:31:05.420
Yeah.
00:31:05.519 --> 00:31:11.910
I'm eating more, but I'm not really actually going in the direction that I should be.
00:31:12.299 --> 00:31:12.589
Yeah.
00:31:12.590 --> 00:31:21.140
It's, it's about balance and boundaries and you learn that in recovery and then that starts bleeding into your whole life, which makes your life even better.
00:31:21.359 --> 00:31:29.500
And there's so many things, but, um, I want to know what is something or where do you see yourself?
00:31:29.549 --> 00:31:34.740
Where is this new recovery that you are working through and working on?
00:31:35.230 --> 00:31:36.690
Where do you see yourself with that?
00:31:38.329 --> 00:31:44.089
I still think since I'm pretty fresh out of treatment, it's, it's a very up and down right now.
00:31:44.809 --> 00:31:51.450
Um, some days are great and some days are not, and that is completely normal.
00:31:51.549 --> 00:32:04.759
And I think I have to remind myself that just because I'm not in treatment, doesn't mean I should have everything together and leaving this time, not doing a hundred percent of everything and being the perfect client really was different.
00:32:05.059 --> 00:32:11.190
And I came out and I wasn't like, okay, I'm doing a hundred percent of my meal plan and everything is on par.
00:32:11.509 --> 00:32:13.940
I came out still needing to get more work done.
00:32:14.519 --> 00:32:23.700
And I think naturally when you leave treatment, there's a, a slight like backwards push because all of a sudden you're thrown into the world.
00:32:23.701 --> 00:32:24.940
You don't have as much support.
00:32:25.319 --> 00:32:26.700
Now you have to do this on your own.
00:32:26.960 --> 00:32:28.740
You have to find external motivations.
00:32:28.920 --> 00:32:29.779
And it's just hard.
00:32:30.440 --> 00:32:54.119
So I think it's definitely an up and down thing, but I think the biggest thing for me this time has been really finding things that I want to a look forward to and that I need to be recovered to do and finding things here and now in people that I like to see and things, and I think it's interesting this time around I'm able to do a lot more fear food challenges.
00:32:54.121 --> 00:33:02.589
Like that's been pretty cool, not something that has happened in the past, but there's also, and movement has been, I don't have movement bridges.
00:33:02.619 --> 00:33:03.069
It's great.
00:33:03.470 --> 00:33:06.109
That's, I've never experienced this and it's truly amazing.
00:33:06.890 --> 00:33:17.779
And also there's a lot of stuff that is still extremely hard and makes me cry sometimes and need to call my therapist and have a whole mental breakdown.
00:33:18.240 --> 00:33:24.740
So I just feel like in certain categories, there are things that are a lot better and there are things that still need a lot of work.
00:33:24.759 --> 00:33:27.779
And really everyone tells you this, but the work starts after treatment.
00:33:27.920 --> 00:33:29.380
The work is not done in treatment.
00:33:29.381 --> 00:33:35.970
Treatment is where you get on track and you get back on, on the train and you have so much support and help.
00:33:36.069 --> 00:33:39.849
And then recovery happens for, for you.
00:33:39.851 --> 00:33:44.130
It doesn't happen for your therapist or your dietician, and that's when you have to do it by yourself.
00:33:44.869 --> 00:33:46.089
And that's when it's really hard.
00:33:46.390 --> 00:33:49.849
So I feel like I'm at the beginning stages of moving in that direction.
00:33:49.859 --> 00:34:00.490
We're making progress, but progress looks different this time around than it has in the past, which sometimes is a little hard, but I'm coming to terms with it.
00:34:00.490 --> 00:34:06.650
And I think the more I talk about it, the more that I find in other people that it's a very similar situation.
00:34:07.150 --> 00:34:13.360
And I think that piece breaks the shame of self punishment, which leads into more behavioral things.
00:34:14.099 --> 00:34:19.280
So I think just being on this podcast has been great in allowing me to talk about it two times.
00:34:19.420 --> 00:34:31.150
And I mean, as much as I say it for other people, I say it so I can hear it myself and remind myself of, you know, what I have and what I, and what I have to lose, what I stand to gain all of these different things.
00:34:31.289 --> 00:34:43.349
And reminding myself that recovery is worth it, even though it's really, really hard, probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do and will do, to be honest, especially with how long it's lasted.
00:34:44.110 --> 00:34:47.190
Um, but it doesn't matter how long it's lasted.
00:34:47.190 --> 00:34:50.820
You're always able to still recover if you really want to.
00:34:51.199 --> 00:34:55.900
So I think that would be the biggest thing is it doesn't matter how long you've been in it.
00:34:55.900 --> 00:34:57.500
There's still hope for you to get out of it.
00:34:58.869 --> 00:35:12.519
So it sounds like what keeps you hungry to live is this constant yearning for more self discovery and to continue a healthy path of your, um, recovery.
00:35:12.619 --> 00:35:16.559
And I know I had asked you last episode, what keeps you hungry to live?
00:35:16.900 --> 00:35:30.789
And for those who haven't listened yet, you can listen again, or you can listen and then you can listen again, if you would like, um, Sydney talked about how she wants to be a NICU doctor and she has baby fever and all those amazing things.
00:35:31.829 --> 00:35:36.949
Um, but it, her recovery's essentially keeping her hungry to live.
00:35:37.059 --> 00:35:38.280
So thank you so much.
00:35:38.579 --> 00:35:42.960
And you may not think that this is gonna happen, but I wrote you another poem.
00:35:43.380 --> 00:35:44.239
I'm not sure about that.
00:35:44.340 --> 00:35:47.159
Yes all right.
00:35:48.349 --> 00:35:55.349
Restricting never won you a medal over exercising perpetuated what was mental numbers on this scale meant nothing to the judges.
00:35:55.420 --> 00:35:57.510
However, obsessing caused more.
00:35:57.510 --> 00:36:00.909
Self-inflicting grudges, physically feeling at your best.
00:36:01.179 --> 00:36:05.789
It's a disease and you failed its test because your body needed to heal and rest.
00:36:06.380 --> 00:36:14.030
Instead, you chose to train through the pain because your brain couldn't abstain from the cyclical criteria of your exercise.
00:36:14.659 --> 00:36:18.300
Bulimia, thank you so much Sydney for being on hungry to live.
00:36:18.559 --> 00:36:19.659
And thank you for listening.
00:36:20.190 --> 00:36:21.380
Thank you for having me
00:36:33.570 --> 00:36:41.409
Through the days the most years, it wasn't L again, he never gave up KA God
00:36:41.969 --> 00:36:41.969
Have
00:36:43.170 --> 00:36:46.730
Through the darkness, through the tears, turn the lights off face.
00:36:46.969 --> 00:36:48.610
My fear never gave up.
00:36:48.969 --> 00:36:51.000
KA gotta.
