#191 - Does anyone deserve anything? (Dissatisfaction 3 of 4)

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Hello and welcome. My name is Kyle and this is How You Level Up, a podcast that decodes language
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to help you become your best self.
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Does anyone deserve anything? It's a question that almost sounds offensive when you first hear it.
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Of course people deserve things. I deserve respect. I deserve success after all this work.
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I deserve better than what I've got. The word deserve is usually followed by disappointment.
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There's a fundamental model you may have heard about, or at least have observed someone who
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embodies the model. That model is, woe is me. This frame of mind is recursive thoughts of
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what you deserve or what the world should have provided to you. Another name for it is Poor Me,
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or It's the World Against Kyle. Replace my name with Colleen, Derek, Layla, Davi, it's the same
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thing. And it is a trap. When you start cataloging what you deserve, you're playing a losing game.
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You're comparing your reality to some imagined version,
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where the universe is paying attention to your effort, your intention, your suffering, your desires.
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Where there's some cosmic ledger, balancing debts and credits.
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I have a newsflash.
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For anyone not living in objective reality, there is no ledger.
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No one deserves anything.
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If you want something in life, there is no one.
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No one who will care if you don't get it as much as you.
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And only you can actually go and get it, meaning work for it.
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If you don't, if you're given what you want, you won't appreciate it.
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You won't enjoy it.
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It's empty, hollow.
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The terms born with a silver spoon in their mouth, trust fund baby, they're living in a bubble,
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all speak to the hollowness of a person's potential appreciation for what they have.
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These terms are judgmental in nature,
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meaning that they place judgment on the person who has a thing,
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implying that they don't deserve what they have.
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And yet, they have what they have, so get over it.
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I know that sounds harsh, maybe even a little bit cruel,
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so take a deep breath and stick with me.
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Think about the things that you've actually earned in life,
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not the things that fell into your lap.
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The things you fought for.
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The skill you developed through repetition.
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The relationship you salvaged through a difficult conversation.
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Or maybe a goal you hit after months of unglamorous work There a weight to those things right A substance You don question whether you appreciate them because the appreciation is built into
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the acquisition. You bled for it, so it matters. Now, think about the things you've been given.
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A participation trophy. The job you got through a family connection. Something you didn't earn.
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The compliment someone gave you out of politeness, not honesty.
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That's hollow.
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And you can feel it.
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This is the paradox of deserving.
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The moment you think you deserve something, you've already diminished its value.
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Because deserving implies you should have it without effort.
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Or that the effort you put into it, and you didn't get it, should have been enough.
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anything you get without effort is weightless it doesn't land it doesn't change you or you don't
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have to change to get it when you're stuck in woe is me thinking there's often a companion emotion
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running through the background and that emotion is envy and guilt
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envy is comparison on steroids envy is ugly in the sense that it is an admission that you feel
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inferior envy is a sign that you ought to be doing more with your life we unpacked envy in a previous
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episode and guilt guilt is fascinating because it's how society speaks through you
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It's not your voice saying you're not working hard enough.
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It's your parents' expectations, your culture's standards, your peer group's judgment.
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Because guilt is society installing something in your head.
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It must be because that's how you obtain your worldview and feel guilty.
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Now it's running in the background.
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It's a program telling you what you should be, what you should want, what you deserve or don't deserve.
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This is the double bind that catches you on two fronts.
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Woe is me says I deserve better than this, and guilt says who are you to deserve anything?
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Both voices are external and recursive.
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The woe is me makes you feel passive, waiting for the world to recognize what you deserve.
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The guilt voice makes you freeze, punishing you for wanting anything at all.
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Neither voice, again, is yours.
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So how do you get out of it?
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Well, stop listening.
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You stop asking, what do I deserve?
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And you stop asking, should I feel guilty for wanting this?
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And you start to ask a different question.
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What do I actually want And what am I willing to do to get it Can you hear the voice in your head Tell it you don care what society says you should or
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shouldn't want. Tell it you don't care what would make you look good. Tell it you don't care
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what would prove that you're worthy.
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you do look good you are worthy and whatever you want is okay
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now try if possible to ask yourself that self with a capital s what do you want
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the universe doesn't owe you clarity it doesn't owe you success it doesn't owe you love or
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recognition or comfort. You don't have to feel nihilistic when I say these things. This is
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freedom in complete form. Because once you stop waiting for what you deserve, once you stop feeling
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guilty for wanting a thing, because you want it, you can start working toward that want,
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that goal. And might I add that if you don't lie awake at night thinking about what you want,
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then you don't really want it. You just have been told to want it.
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So that's the filter. Not do I deserve this? Not should I feel guilty for wanting this?
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the filter is am I willing to lose sleep over this
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because a desire or a goal that doesn't keep you up at night is a preference of passing interest
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and the world has no obligation to satisfy your passing interest
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for anything that you actually think matters to you the things that nag you in quiet moments
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those are the ones that are worth your work, your effort.
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I see this play out constantly.
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Someone complains that they deserve a promotion, a better job, more pay,
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and they're not willing to be uncomfortable in a conversation with their boss,
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or better yet, they're not willing to take on an extra project
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to show that they're more capable.
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Someone thinks that they deserve a better relationship,
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and they're not willing to put in the work
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of seeking a better partner, of building that connection with their current partner.
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Somebody thinks they deserve more respect,
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and yet they don't respect themselves enough to maintain, let's say, boundaries.
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If you want to know more about boundaries, go back to episode 170 for a refresher.
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The complaint of deserving is a gap
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between what you think you deserve and what you're willing to do. You don't need to become
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a grinding joyless optimization machine This is about clarity By the way happy detachment is a byproduct of realizing what is important and what is not When you stop arguing with reality about what you deserve
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when you stop listening to society's guilt programming, you get real clear fast.
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You stop wasting energy on resentment.
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You stop comparing your chapter 3 to chapter 20 for someone else.
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you stop waiting for permission
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and you just start doing stuff
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and in starting
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you will know or feel
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I hope
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that the work itself is actually the reward
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this is not a cliche
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that the journey is better than the destination
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it's just the practical sense
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of what it means to get something
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to work towards something
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so when I catch myself thinking
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I deserve better than this
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I try to pause. I try to ask, what am I actually saying? Am I saying the world should change for me
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without my changing? Am I waiting for someone else to value my time more than I do?
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Am I expecting effort to be rewarded by virtue of existing?
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When I feel guilty for wanting something, for having ambition, for prioritizing myself,
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for saying no, I pause there too. And I ask, is this my voice? Or is this someone else's?
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Is this society telling me I needed something? Who installed this program? And do I agree with it?
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You know what's more uncomfortable than disappointment? Regret. The knowledge that
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you spent years arguing with reality instead of changing it. That you waited for the world
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to recognize your worth instead of building something undeniably worthwhile. That you let
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guilt silence your actual desires. That you died with your song still in you because you were too
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busy insisting you deserved an audience. No one deserves anything and anyone can earn anything.
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And what you earn you keep not in your hands and who you become by earning it.
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that's hopeful.
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And I hope you see that too.
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Wishing you a good morning,
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a good day,
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or a good night.
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Thank you for listening to How You Level Up.
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subscribe and give a five-star rating.
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There are new episodes each month
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asking questions about timeless communication lessons.
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Language is a medium for sharing, and the knowledge unpacked here can be applied to anyone, anywhere, facing any challenge.
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If there's a question or topic you'd like me to dive into next, send a note to any of my connected social media accounts.
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This is all about how you level up.