WEBVTT
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Welcome to Holding Space on the Mountain.
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I'm your host, Amber Surstead.
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Think of this as a cozy cabin in the forest up on the mountain.
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A place to slow down, breathe deeply, and talk honestly about grief, growth, and mental health.
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Here we explore life's peaks and valleys, share stories, and find practical ways to keep moving forward, even when the path gets rough.
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So, pour yourself a warm drink, settle into a comfortable spot, and let's climb this mountain together.
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One conversation at a time.
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I'm so glad you're here tonight.
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Wherever you're listening from, maybe you're driving, folding laundry, walking, sitting in your office between responsibilities, or finally taking a breath at the end of a very long day.
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I want to invite you to settle in.
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You don't have to accomplish anything during this time together.
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You don't have to prove that you were listening correctly.
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You don't have to turn every insight into an assignment before this episode is over.
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For the next little while, you're allowed to just simply be here.
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Today we're talking about something I see often in the counseling room and something many people quietly carry for years without having any language to it.
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We're talking about what happens when survival mode stops feeling like a temporary response and starts feeling like your personality.
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Maybe you're the responsible one, the strong one, the one who never needs anything, the one who notices the emotional temperature of a room before you even notice how you feel.
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Maybe you're always planning ahead, preparing for what could go wrong, keeping people happy, or making sure no one has a reason to be disappointed in you.
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Maybe people describe you as independent, productive, calm under pressure, thoughtful, funny, agreeable, or incredibly capable.
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Those qualities may be real, but underneath them, there may be also an old question quietly running your life.
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What do I need to do to stay safe?
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That question can shape a person so deeply that eventually they no longer recognize it as a fear.
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It simply feels like who they are.
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They don't necessarily say I'm afraid people will leave me, but they may say, I'm just someone who tries really hard in relationships.
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They don't say my nervous system never expects anyone to help me.
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They say I've always been very independent.
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They don't say, oh, rest makes me feel vulnerable.
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They say, I'm just not good at sitting still.
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They don't say, I learned to disappear emotionally.
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They say, I'm easygoing.
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I don't really need much.
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Sometimes the traits we have been praised for are also the places where we've learned to survive.
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And that's complicated because we don't want to shame the qualities that carried us.
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We don't want to treat strength as a disease or independence as a flaw.
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We are not here to dismantle everything about you.
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We're here to become curious about what is freely chosen and what is still being demanded by an old emergency.
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So today I want to help you to recognize survival mode with compassion.
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We'll talk about how it can become woven into our identity, how it appears in everyday life, and how you can begin separating your authentic self from the strategies that once protected you.
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This is not about becoming a completely different person.
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It's just about discovering who you are when fear is no longer doing all the choosing for you.
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First part I want to talk about is when the emergency never really ends.
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When people hear the words survival mode, they may picture something pretty dramatic.
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So an accident, a disaster, a violent event, or a moment of obvious danger.
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Survival responses certainly appear in those situations for sure, but survival mode can also develop quietly.
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It can develop in a home where no one knew which version of a parent would walk through the door.
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It can develop when love was available, but only when you performed well, you stayed agreeable, achieved enough, and caused no trouble.
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It can develop when you had to grow up too quickly because the adults around you were overwhelmed, emotionally unavailable, addicted, ill, predictable, unpredictable, or fighting with each other.
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It can develop through bullying, through poverty, discrimination, medical trauma, religious fear, repeated rejection, painful divorce, caregiving, workplace mistreatment, or years of living beside someone whose moods controlled the atmosphere.
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And sometimes no single event explains it.
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Sometimes it was the accumulation of a thousand small experiences that taught you the world was not quite safe enough for you to soften.
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The body is remarkably intelligent.
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It learns what helps us grow through our environment.
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If being quiet reduced conflict and you learn to be quiet.
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If being impressive earned attention, you learn to achieve.
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If anticipating everybody's needs prevented an explosion, you learn to scan people constantly.
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If asking for help led to disappointment, humiliation, or nothing at all, you learn just not to ask.
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If humor made unbearable moments bearable, then you became funny.
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If taking control kept chaos at a manageable distance, you became organized.
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These responses make sense.
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Your system was not trying to ruin your life, it was trying to preserve it.
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It adapted using the resources that it already had.
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The problem is not that you adapted, the problem is that an adaptation built for one environment can follow you into every environment.
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Imagine a smoke alarm that once detected a real fire.
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It did exactly what it was designed to do.
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It made noise, it woke everybody up, and helped people get out.
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But after the fire, the alarm became so sensitive that it sounded whenever someone made toast.
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The alarm's not evil, it's not weak, it's not intentionally causing trouble.
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It has simply become unable to distinguish smoke from steam, danger from discomfort in the past from the present.
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That is often what survival mode feels like in adulthood.
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A delayed text feels like abandonment.
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Constructive feedback feels like rejection.
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Rest and rest often feels like irresponsibility.
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Someone else's disappointment feels like danger.
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Not knowing what will happen feels intolerable.
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A minor disagreement feels like the beginning of the end.
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And because the reaction happens so quickly, we often create an explanation after the fact.
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I'm just sensitive.
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I'm an overthinker.
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I'm a perfectionist.
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I don't trust people.
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I work better under pressure.
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This is simply how I am.
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But what if some of those sentences are not descriptions of your permanent personality?
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What if they're descriptions of a nervous system that became extremely skilled at keeping you alive?
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There is an important difference between personality and protection.
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Personality has flexibility.
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Protection tends to feel compulsory.
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You may genuinely enjoy helping others.
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That can be a part of your personality.
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But if you cannot say no without feeling intense guilt or panic or fear that the relationship will change, your helpfulness may also contain a survival response.
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You may genuinely value excellence.
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But if a small mistake makes you feel worthless or exposed or unsafe or perfectionism is doing more than helping you do good work.
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You may be naturally independent.
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But if you're but if receiving care makes you suspicious, indebted, ashamed, or uncomfortable, independence may have become armor.
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The question is not, is this trait good or bad?
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The better question is: do I have a choice?
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Can I help or can I decline?
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Can I work hard or can I rest?
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Can I be independent or can I receive support?
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Can I read a room and can I remain connected to myself while I do it?
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Can I be strong and can I be seen when I am not strong?
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Health is not about moving from one extreme to its opposite.
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It is about increasing our range.
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It is about having more than one available response.
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Survival mode narrows your options.
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Healing begins to widen them.
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The next part that I want to talk about is the rules, the roles that survival mode gives us.
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Let's talk about a few of the identities that can grow around survival.
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You may hear yourself in one, two, several, or none of them.
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These are not diagnoses, they're just patterns, ways that people learn to remain safe, connected, or valuable.
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First one is the strong one.
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The strong one is often the person everybody calls in a crisis.
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You know how to take action.
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You can set your feelings aside and do what needs to be done.
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People admire your resilience.
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They may even say, I don't know how you do it.
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And a part of you may feel proud because you're capable, but another part may feel deeply alone.
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The strong one often has difficulty answering a simple question.
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What do you need?
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You may know what everyone else needs.
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You can recognize when a friend is overwhelmed, when your partner is withdrawing, when a family member needs encouragement, or when something at work is about to go wrong.
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But your own needs may not become visible until they are screaming through exhaustion or resentment or headaches or irritability, shutdown, or tears that seem to come from nowhere.
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The strong one may believe if I fall apart, then everything's gonna fall apart.
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So you just keep going.
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And people keep assuming you are fine because you have become very skilled at appearing fine.
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The next one is the helper.
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The helper finds safety through usefulness.
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You may feel most secure in relationships when someone needs you.
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You solve problems, offer rides, remember birthdays, mediate arguments, provide emotional support, and make yourself available even when you are depleted.
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Helping is not the problem.
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Caring for others is beautiful.
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The question is whether your worth has become attached to being needed.
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If a person no longer needs your help, do you wonder whether they still want you?
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If someone is upset, do you immediately assume it is your responsibility to fix it?
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Do you offer more than you genuine genuinely want to give, then quietly resent the person for accepting it?
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Do you know how to be loved when you are not performing a service?
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The helper may carry the belief, if I'm useful enough, then I will not be abandoned.
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The next one is the achiever.
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The achiever survives through performance.
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You learn that success could create safety, approval, identity, or escape.
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You may be disciplined, ambitious, dependable.
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You may have built a life others admire.
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But achievement never feels complete for long.
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You finish one goal and almost immediately focus on the next.
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Praise gives you a brief lift, but it does not settle deeply.
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A mistake feels disproportionately painful because it does not register merely as something you did.
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It feels like evidence of who you are.
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The achiever may struggle with activities that have no measurable outcome.
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Play can feel pointless, rest can feel undeserved, hobbies become projects, healing becomes another performance.
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With this one, the underlying belief may be if I do enough, I will finally be enough.
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Next is the peacekeeper.
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The peacekeeper survives by reducing tension.
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You notice subtle changes in tone, facial expressions, postures, energy.
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You may be excellent at seeing multiple perspectives.
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You can explain why everyone feels the way they do, except perhaps yourself.
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Conflict does not simply feel unpleasant, it can feel dangerous.
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So you soften your opinions, you apologize quickly, you take responsibility for things that are not entirely yours and agree before you have checked in with yourself.
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You may call yourself easygoing, but sometimes being easygoing means other people get to have preferences while you get to have adaptability.
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The peacekeeper may believe if everyone else is okay, then I am safe.
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Next is the controller or the planner.
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The planner finds safety through predictability.
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You make lists, you research, you prepare for several outcomes, you may arrive early, replay conversations, play what you will say, or become frustrated when plans change suddenly.
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Planning is useful, yes, but when it becomes a survival strategy, uncertainty does not feel like an ordinary part of life.
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It feels like exposure.
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You may attempt to control small details because larger parts of life once felt uncomfortable.
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If you can anticipate everything, perhaps nothing can surprise you.
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And if nothing surprises you, then perhaps nothing can hurt you.
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The planner may believe if I am prepared enough, then I can prevent pain.
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Next to the invisible one.
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The invisible one survives by taking up as little emotional space as possible.
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You may rarely complain, you say it's fine, even when it's not.
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You avoid asking for accommodations, you minimize your pain because someone else has it worse.
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You may feel embarrassed when attention is focused on you.
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You learn that needs could burden people, could invite criticism, create conflict, or even go unanswered.
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So you stop displaying them.
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The invisible one may believe if I do not need anything, then I certainly cannot be rejected for needing it.
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The independent one.
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The independent one survives by relying on no one.
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You can handle things yourself, sometimes even when help is freely offered.
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Depending on people feels risky because people can disappoint you, control you, keep score, they can leave you or use your vulnerability against you.
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Your independence may be one of the greatest strengths.
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It may also prevent you from experience the kind of care you once needed.
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The independent one may believe if I never need anyone, then no one can let me down.
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Lastly is the entertainer.
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The entertainer creates safety through humor, charm, or emotional redirection.
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You know how to make people laugh when the room becomes uncomfortable.
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You can tell a painful story in a way that keeps everyone entertained.
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You may use humor beautifully and genuinely, sure, but sometimes the joke arrives at the exact moment vulnerability begins to surface.
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If people are laughing, they're not looking too closely.
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If you keep the room light, perhaps no one will ask whether your heart feels heavy.
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The entertainer may believe if I keep everyone comfortable, I can stay connected without being fully seen.
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As you hear these different roles, notice which one creates a response inside of you.
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Not which one you can intellectually identify, but which one creates a little tightening in your chest, a little lump in your throat, a feeling of being recognized, or even possible irritation.
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Sometimes irritation is recognition that's wearing armor.
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And please remember, these roles are not fake versions of you.
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They become part of you.
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Sure.
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The helper's compassion is real, the achiever's drive is real, the peacekeeper's empathy is real, the strong one's courage is real.
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Healing does not require throwing those gifts away.
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It means removing the fear-based job description that's attached to them.
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You can be helpful without earning your right to belong.
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You can achieve without placing your worth on trial.
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You can make peace without abandoning your truth.
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You can be strong without being strong every minute.
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Part three.
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What survival mode looks like from the inside.
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Survival mode is often misunderstood because it doesn't always look dramatic from the outside.
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Sometimes it looks like a highly functioning life.
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You go to work, you respond to messages, you take care of the family, you meet deadlines, you smile when someone asks how you're doing.
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You may even be the person other people come to for emotional support.
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But internally, you rarely feel completely off duty.
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There is always something to monitor, something to solve, to anticipate, replay, or even prevent.
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Even good moments can be difficult to inhabit.
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When life becomes calm instead of feeling relief, you may feel restless.
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Your mind starts searching for what you forgot.
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You may think things are going too well.
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Something must be about to happen.
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Happen.
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This is one of the crueler parts of prolonged survival mode.
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Peace can initially feel less familiar than stress.
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Familiarity is not the same as safety, but the nervous system often confuses the two.
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If chaos was familiar, calm may feel suspicious.
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If criticism was familiar, kindness may feel manipulative.
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If inconsistency was familiar, stable love may feel boring or frightening because now you have something to lose.
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If you are always responsible, being cared for may feel uncomfortable.
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Your body does not automatically trust what your mind understands.
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You may know that your current partner is not your former partner, sure, but your body reacts to a change in tone before the reasoning even catches up.
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You may know that your boss's feedback is not the same as childhood criticism, but your stomach drops as though you're belonging right back into that danger.
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You may know that one mistake will not destroy your career, yet you replay it all evening.
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These responses can be frustrating.
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People sometimes say, I know better, so why can't I do better?
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Because knowing is important, but knowing is not the same as feeling safe.
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The nervous system learns through repeated experience.
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It learns through what happens after you set a boundary.
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It learns through surviving a disagreement.
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It learns through asking for help and discovering that the person responds with care.
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It learns through resting and watching the world continuing to turn.
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It learns through making a mistake and remaining worthy.
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This is why heavy, or sorry, this is why healing often feels so slow.
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You are not merely changing a thought, you're giving the entire system new evidence.
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Another inner experience of survival mode is exhaustion mixed with an inability to stop.
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You may say, Oh, I'm so tired, and then fill the first often of the first open space in your calendar.
00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:38.640
You may long for a break, but once you have one, you feel guilty, restless, emotionally flooded.
00:24:39.839 --> 00:24:46.240
Constant motion can keep feeling, can keep, can keep difficult feelings at a distance.
00:24:46.559 --> 00:24:54.480
When activity stops, grief, anger, fear, loneliness, unmet needs may finally become audible.
00:24:55.039 --> 00:24:56.880
Busyness is not always ambition.
00:24:57.119 --> 00:25:01.359
Sometimes it is emotional noise canceling.
00:25:02.319 --> 00:25:06.720
This does not mean that every busy person is avoiding feelings.
00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:11.519
It means we become curious about what the stillness brings up.
00:25:13.200 --> 00:25:20.079
So ask yourself, when nothing is urgently required of me, what happens inside my body?
00:25:20.720 --> 00:25:22.160
Do I soften?
00:25:22.400 --> 00:25:24.079
Do I become anxious?
00:25:24.400 --> 00:25:26.640
Do I immediately look for another task?
00:25:26.799 --> 00:25:27.599
Do I feel guilty?
00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:28.640
Do I feel sadness?
00:25:28.720 --> 00:25:33.920
Do I feel empty because I don't know who I am outside of what I provide?
00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:43.119
There may also be a strange gap between how others see you and how you experience yourself.
00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:46.640
Others see confidence, you feel preparation.
00:25:46.880 --> 00:25:50.720
Others see generosity, you feel obligation.
00:25:50.960 --> 00:25:53.279
Others seem calm, you feel numb.
00:25:53.440 --> 00:25:57.359
Others see independence, you feel unable to trust.
00:25:57.680 --> 00:26:02.640
Others see success, you feel one mistake away from exposure.
00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:07.759
Others see resilience, you feel as though you were never given another option.
00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:12.559
That gap can make compliments really hard to receive.
00:26:12.880 --> 00:26:20.880
When someone says, Oh, you are so strong, part of you may want to say, Oh, I didn't want to have to be, I didn't have a choice.
00:26:21.119 --> 00:26:28.079
When someone says, you always have everything put together, you may wonder what would happen if they saw the cost.
00:26:30.400 --> 00:26:38.160
Survival mode can create an identity that is admired and trapped at the exact same time.
00:26:43.200 --> 00:26:48.799
Next thing I want to talk about is separating the identity from adaptation.
00:26:49.359 --> 00:26:57.599
If survival mode has shaped your identity, the idea of changing can feel strangely threatening.
00:26:58.240 --> 00:27:02.160
You may wonder if I'm not the strong one, then who am I?
00:27:02.400 --> 00:27:05.440
If I'm not useful, will people still want me?
00:27:05.599 --> 00:27:08.000
If I stop achieving, will I lose my edge?
00:27:08.319 --> 00:27:12.319
If I stop anticipating problems, will everything fall apart?
00:27:12.480 --> 00:27:15.759
If I become less guarded, will I become naive?
00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:18.559
These are reasonable concerns.
00:27:18.720 --> 00:27:19.279
Yes.
00:27:19.599 --> 00:27:24.960
Healing does not mean becoming careless or passive or dependent or unwise.
00:27:25.200 --> 00:27:29.279
It doesn't mean that you start trusting everyone.
00:27:29.839 --> 00:27:35.839
It means developing discernment rather than living by automatic defense.
00:27:37.359 --> 00:27:43.519
One useful practice is to change identity statements into strategy statements.
00:27:43.920 --> 00:27:54.240
So instead of saying, I'm an overthinker, try, I learn to think through every possible outcome when uncertainty felt unsafe.
00:27:55.279 --> 00:28:03.440
Instead of saying, I'm so needy, try my attachment system becomes activated when connection feels uncertain.
00:28:04.880 --> 00:28:11.839
Instead of I'm so controlling, try, I reach for control when I'm vulnerable.
00:28:12.799 --> 00:28:20.960
Instead of saying I'm lazy, try saying my system may be depleted after operating under stress for so long.
00:28:22.480 --> 00:28:33.920
Instead of saying I'm bad at relationships, try saying, I learned relationship strategies that protected me before, but they may not fit the relationships that I want now.
00:28:35.359 --> 00:28:39.920
Language matters because identity sounds permanent.
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:43.519
Strategy sounds learned.
00:28:43.759 --> 00:28:52.160
And what was learned can be understood, can be updated, expanded, adapted.
00:28:53.599 --> 00:28:56.480
Try adding time to this sentence.
00:28:58.319 --> 00:29:03.599
Right now, a part of me feels unsafe rather than I feel unsafe.
00:29:03.920 --> 00:29:09.200
Or in this moment, I am having the urge to fix everything.
00:29:09.519 --> 00:29:16.319
Today, receiving helps, receiving help makes me feel uncomfortable.
00:29:16.559 --> 00:29:25.680
The words right now, today, in this moment, remind the brain that it is a state and not a self.
00:29:25.920 --> 00:29:31.440
Another important question is who are you when you feel safe?
00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:38.559
Not who are you when you feel productive, not who are you when everyone approves of you?
00:29:38.880 --> 00:29:43.119
Who are you in the presence of enough safety?
00:29:43.359 --> 00:29:53.519
Maybe you're playful, maybe you're creative, maybe you're curious, affectionate, silly, slow, adventurous, opinionated, tender, spontaneous.
00:29:54.000 --> 00:29:56.880
Maybe you don't even know yet, and that's okay.
00:29:57.359 --> 00:30:03.039
For some people, healing includes meeting themselves for the very first time.
00:30:04.400 --> 00:30:11.519
They have spent so much of life responding to the environment that they have had a little space to discover preference.
00:30:11.680 --> 00:30:13.279
So start small.
00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:18.559
What music do you enjoy when no one else is in the car?
00:30:19.359 --> 00:30:22.000
What pace feels good to your body?
00:30:22.319 --> 00:30:25.200
What do you genuinely want to eat?
00:30:25.519 --> 00:30:28.720
What kind of rest restores you?
00:30:29.039 --> 00:30:34.240
What opinion appears before you edit it for acceptability?
00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:38.160
What would you choose if no one were disappointed?
00:30:38.559 --> 00:30:44.160
These questions aren't selfish, but they build self-contact.
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:51.680
You can't set meaningful boundaries if you don't know where you end and someone else begins.
00:30:52.160 --> 00:30:56.960
You can't communicate needs if you have trained yourself not to notice them.
00:30:57.519 --> 00:31:05.119
And you can't build a life that fits you if you know only how to fit yourself into other people's lives.
00:31:08.400 --> 00:31:14.720
The last part I want to highlight for today is what healing may actually look like.
00:31:16.400 --> 00:31:21.680
Healing from survival mode is often quieter than people expect.
00:31:22.079 --> 00:31:28.640
It may not look like waking up every morning completely calm and confident and unbothered.
00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:36.079
It may look like noticing your urge to apologize and choosing to take one breath first.
00:31:36.799 --> 00:31:42.799
It may look like saying I'm not available without writing a paragraph to justify it.
00:31:43.039 --> 00:31:46.720
It may look like enjoying an afternoon without needing to earn it.
00:31:46.880 --> 00:31:52.160
It may look like asking someone for help and staying present through the discomfort.
00:31:52.720 --> 00:32:00.079
It may look like recognizing a trauma response 15 minutes after it happens instead of three days.
00:32:00.640 --> 00:32:07.759
Then over time, perhaps recognizing it while it is happening.
00:32:09.200 --> 00:32:15.839
Then occasionally recognizing it just before it takes over.
00:32:17.519 --> 00:32:20.640
Progress is not the absence of activation.
00:32:20.960 --> 00:32:28.400
It is an expanding ability to notice, to recover, to repair, and to choose.
00:32:30.559 --> 00:32:34.240
Healing may also feel worse before it feels better.
00:32:34.480 --> 00:32:38.160
When you stop people pleasing, yes, you may feel guilt.
00:32:38.400 --> 00:32:44.559
When you stop overworking, you may encounter feelings that busyness concealed.
00:32:45.039 --> 00:32:49.359
When you let other people help, you may even feel exposed.
00:32:49.519 --> 00:32:55.200
When you stop controlling every outcome, anxiety may initially rise.
00:32:56.000 --> 00:32:59.839
This does not automatically mean the new behavior is wrong.
00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:09.119
Sometimes discomfort and the sensation of an old pattern, or is the sensation of an old pattern losing its authority.
00:33:10.880 --> 00:33:14.720
Think of walking up a familiar trail up a mountain.
00:33:14.799 --> 00:33:20.559
You know every turn, even if the trail is steep and painful, it's still predictable.
00:33:21.519 --> 00:33:30.079
A new trail may be gentler, but because it's unfamiliar, every bend creates uncertainty.
00:33:30.799 --> 00:33:37.359
Your body may prefer the known painful trail to the unknown peaceful one.
00:33:38.799 --> 00:33:40.400
So go slowly.
00:33:40.640 --> 00:33:43.279
Bring support, pay attention.
00:33:43.839 --> 00:33:48.480
But please don't assume unfamiliar means wrong.
00:33:49.039 --> 00:33:54.480
There will also be times when old survival responses return strongly.
00:33:54.799 --> 00:34:03.519
Stress, grief, illness, conflict, anniversaries, financial pressure, or major life transitions can reactivate them.
00:34:03.759 --> 00:34:06.480
That does not erase your growth.
00:34:07.039 --> 00:34:10.559
Healing is not a straight line from every old response.
00:34:10.719 --> 00:34:16.480
It is a growing relationship with yourself when those responses appear.
00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:25.280
Instead of saying, I can't believe I'm back here, you might say, something in me is asking for a bit more support right now.
00:34:25.519 --> 00:34:33.679
Instead of saying, I should be over this, try saying, this pattern makes sense under stress, and I can use what I have learned.
00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:37.519
The goal is not never to enter into survival mode.
00:34:37.679 --> 00:34:40.320
Survival responses are a part of being human.
00:34:40.559 --> 00:34:46.880
The goal is to recognize when you were there and develop pathways home.
00:34:51.679 --> 00:34:59.039
In closing, I want you to remember that you are more than the person who survived.
00:35:01.039 --> 00:35:06.960
I want to speak directly to the person who is tired of being strong.
00:35:08.559 --> 00:35:16.239
The person who has held everything together for so long that nobody seems to notice how heavy it is.
00:35:17.119 --> 00:35:23.599
The person who can explain everyone else's behavior but struggles to name their own hurt.
00:35:24.320 --> 00:35:31.119
The person who has built an impressive life around never again feeling powerless.
00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:37.519
The person who has been praised for a resilience they never wanted to need.
00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:44.000
You're not weak because your coping strategies are tired.
00:35:45.119 --> 00:35:50.239
You're not ungrateful because the life you built no longer feels spacious enough.
00:35:50.320 --> 00:35:54.960
You're not selfish because you're learning to include yourself in the care you give.
00:35:55.280 --> 00:35:59.199
You're not failing because peace feels unfamiliar.
00:36:00.079 --> 00:36:05.119
And you're not broken because your body remembers what your life has survived.
00:36:06.079 --> 00:36:08.320
There was wisdom in the way you adapted.
00:36:08.480 --> 00:36:10.480
There was courage in the way that you continued.
00:36:10.639 --> 00:36:14.559
There was creativity in the person you learned to become.
00:36:16.000 --> 00:36:21.199
But survival does not have to be the final form of your life.
00:36:22.719 --> 00:36:25.519
The strong one can learn to lean.
00:36:26.400 --> 00:36:29.119
The helper can learn to receive.
00:36:30.159 --> 00:36:34.159
The achiever can learn to exist without earning.
00:36:36.239 --> 00:36:41.039
The peacekeeper can learn that honesty is not the enemy of connection.
00:36:41.760 --> 00:36:46.239
The planner can learn to leave a little room for uncertainty.
00:36:46.480 --> 00:36:49.440
The invisible one can learn to take up space.
00:36:49.679 --> 00:36:54.800
The independent one can learn that interdependence is not helplessness.
00:36:56.719 --> 00:37:02.800
The entertainer can learn that they are still worthy of company when the room becomes quiet.
00:37:04.159 --> 00:37:06.400
None of this happens through force.
00:37:06.719 --> 00:37:10.079
You don't bully yourself into safety.
00:37:10.320 --> 00:37:16.719
You build it slowly, honestly, and repeatedly.
00:37:17.119 --> 00:37:37.760
One boundary, one pause, one honest answer, one request for help, one moment of rest that you don't apologize for, one experience at a time that you teach your body and your nervous system that today is not every yesterday.
00:37:40.159 --> 00:37:43.440
There is an image I want to leave with you.
00:37:44.960 --> 00:37:49.920
Imagine someone who has climbed a mountain carrying a heavy emergency backpack.
00:37:50.480 --> 00:37:53.280
Every item in that pack had a purpose.
00:37:53.519 --> 00:37:59.920
It held the tools that helped them navigate bad weather, difficult terrain, hunger, darkness, injury.
00:38:00.239 --> 00:38:03.119
The pack helped them make it.
00:38:03.840 --> 00:38:06.960
But now they have reached a place where the weather is calm.
00:38:07.119 --> 00:38:08.559
There's shelter nearby.
00:38:12.880 --> 00:38:20.079
Still, they keep that pack strapped so tightly to their body because taking it off feels dangerous.
00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:26.639
Healing is not someone ripping the pack away and saying, You shouldn't need this anymore.
00:38:26.960 --> 00:38:30.320
Healing is finding a safe place to sit.
00:38:31.360 --> 00:38:35.119
It is opening the pack with compassion.
00:38:36.960 --> 00:38:41.840
It looks at each item and saying, Huh, I remember why I needed you.
00:38:42.320 --> 00:38:50.000
It is deciding what still belongs on the journey, what can be used differently, and what you may be ready to set down.
00:38:52.159 --> 00:39:04.000
It's discovering that preparedness can remain without panic, that strength can remain without isolation, and awareness can remain without constant hypervigilance.
00:39:04.159 --> 00:39:07.679
Care can remain without self-abandonment.
00:39:08.559 --> 00:39:15.360
You don't have to hate the person you became in order to become someone more free.
00:39:16.480 --> 00:39:23.039
You can honor that person who survived while making room for the person who now wants to live.
00:39:27.360 --> 00:39:32.639
Thank you for spending time with me on Holding Space on the Mountain.
00:39:41.360 --> 00:39:44.480
Drink some water, step outside if you can.
00:39:44.719 --> 00:39:46.480
Write down what you noticed.
00:39:46.719 --> 00:39:48.480
Talk with someone safe.
00:39:48.719 --> 00:40:02.000
And if these patterns are deeply affecting your relationship or your health or your daily life, maybe consider talking with a therapist or a counselor who can walk beside you.
00:40:02.719 --> 00:40:08.400
You deserve support that does not require you to perform strength first.
00:40:11.360 --> 00:40:15.760
There is still a self beneath the armor.
00:40:16.239 --> 00:40:22.639
There is still a life beyond the emergency, and you're allowed to meet it slowly.
00:40:25.119 --> 00:40:30.320
Until next time, take care of yourself.
00:40:31.360 --> 00:40:34.079
You are more than what happened to you.
00:40:34.320 --> 00:40:37.360
You are more than the roles that you had to play.
00:40:37.519 --> 00:40:40.719
You are more than the person who survived.
00:40:42.800 --> 00:40:45.360
I'll meet you back here next time.
00:40:46.639 --> 00:40:51.199
This is Holding Space on the Mountain, and I'm your host, Amber Surstead.
00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:11.679
Welcome to Holding Space on the Mountain.
00:00:11.759 --> 00:00:13.919
I'm your host, Amber Surstead.
00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:19.519
Think of this as a cozy cabin in the forest up on the mountain.
00:00:19.839 --> 00:00:28.559
A place to slow down, breathe deeply, and talk honestly about grief, growth, and mental health.
00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:40.799
Here we explore life's peaks and valleys, share stories, and find practical ways to keep moving forward, even when the path gets rough.
00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:51.119
So, pour yourself a warm drink, settle into a comfortable spot, and let's climb this mountain together.
00:00:51.600 --> 00:00:54.000
One conversation at a time.
00:01:13.840 --> 00:01:16.079
I'm so glad you're here tonight.
00:01:16.239 --> 00:01:29.120
Wherever you're listening from, maybe you're driving, folding laundry, walking, sitting in your office between responsibilities, or finally taking a breath at the end of a very long day.
00:01:30.239 --> 00:01:32.560
I want to invite you to settle in.
00:01:34.079 --> 00:01:38.079
You don't have to accomplish anything during this time together.
00:01:38.159 --> 00:01:41.920
You don't have to prove that you were listening correctly.
00:01:43.040 --> 00:01:48.719
You don't have to turn every insight into an assignment before this episode is over.
00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:54.959
For the next little while, you're allowed to just simply be here.
00:01:57.120 --> 00:02:08.159
Today we're talking about something I see often in the counseling room and something many people quietly carry for years without having any language to it.
00:02:09.360 --> 00:02:20.159
We're talking about what happens when survival mode stops feeling like a temporary response and starts feeling like your personality.
00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:34.080
Maybe you're the responsible one, the strong one, the one who never needs anything, the one who notices the emotional temperature of a room before you even notice how you feel.
00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:44.639
Maybe you're always planning ahead, preparing for what could go wrong, keeping people happy, or making sure no one has a reason to be disappointed in you.
00:02:46.159 --> 00:02:55.520
Maybe people describe you as independent, productive, calm under pressure, thoughtful, funny, agreeable, or incredibly capable.
00:02:56.400 --> 00:03:04.560
Those qualities may be real, but underneath them, there may be also an old question quietly running your life.
00:03:05.199 --> 00:03:09.120
What do I need to do to stay safe?
00:03:10.080 --> 00:03:16.800
That question can shape a person so deeply that eventually they no longer recognize it as a fear.
00:03:17.120 --> 00:03:19.840
It simply feels like who they are.
00:03:21.199 --> 00:03:31.120
They don't necessarily say I'm afraid people will leave me, but they may say, I'm just someone who tries really hard in relationships.
00:03:32.159 --> 00:03:36.000
They don't say my nervous system never expects anyone to help me.
00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:38.960
They say I've always been very independent.
00:03:40.479 --> 00:03:43.439
They don't say, oh, rest makes me feel vulnerable.
00:03:43.599 --> 00:03:46.479
They say, I'm just not good at sitting still.
00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:49.759
They don't say, I learned to disappear emotionally.
00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:51.439
They say, I'm easygoing.
00:03:51.520 --> 00:03:52.960
I don't really need much.
00:03:54.560 --> 00:04:01.759
Sometimes the traits we have been praised for are also the places where we've learned to survive.
00:04:02.560 --> 00:04:09.680
And that's complicated because we don't want to shame the qualities that carried us.
00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:15.840
We don't want to treat strength as a disease or independence as a flaw.
00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:19.199
We are not here to dismantle everything about you.
00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:27.600
We're here to become curious about what is freely chosen and what is still being demanded by an old emergency.
00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:35.040
So today I want to help you to recognize survival mode with compassion.
00:04:36.560 --> 00:04:50.560
We'll talk about how it can become woven into our identity, how it appears in everyday life, and how you can begin separating your authentic self from the strategies that once protected you.
00:04:51.439 --> 00:04:54.959
This is not about becoming a completely different person.
00:04:55.120 --> 00:05:01.199
It's just about discovering who you are when fear is no longer doing all the choosing for you.
00:05:04.079 --> 00:05:08.879
First part I want to talk about is when the emergency never really ends.
00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:14.480
When people hear the words survival mode, they may picture something pretty dramatic.
00:05:14.639 --> 00:05:21.199
So an accident, a disaster, a violent event, or a moment of obvious danger.
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:29.360
Survival responses certainly appear in those situations for sure, but survival mode can also develop quietly.
00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:35.680
It can develop in a home where no one knew which version of a parent would walk through the door.
00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:46.480
It can develop when love was available, but only when you performed well, you stayed agreeable, achieved enough, and caused no trouble.
00:05:47.360 --> 00:06:01.279
It can develop when you had to grow up too quickly because the adults around you were overwhelmed, emotionally unavailable, addicted, ill, predictable, unpredictable, or fighting with each other.
00:06:01.759 --> 00:06:19.839
It can develop through bullying, through poverty, discrimination, medical trauma, religious fear, repeated rejection, painful divorce, caregiving, workplace mistreatment, or years of living beside someone whose moods controlled the atmosphere.
00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:24.560
And sometimes no single event explains it.
00:06:24.800 --> 00:06:33.439
Sometimes it was the accumulation of a thousand small experiences that taught you the world was not quite safe enough for you to soften.
00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:37.839
The body is remarkably intelligent.
00:06:39.680 --> 00:06:44.399
It learns what helps us grow through our environment.
00:06:45.360 --> 00:06:50.319
If being quiet reduced conflict and you learn to be quiet.
00:06:50.480 --> 00:06:55.439
If being impressive earned attention, you learn to achieve.
00:06:56.000 --> 00:07:02.560
If anticipating everybody's needs prevented an explosion, you learn to scan people constantly.
00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:09.279
If asking for help led to disappointment, humiliation, or nothing at all, you learn just not to ask.
00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:14.800
If humor made unbearable moments bearable, then you became funny.
00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:22.399
If taking control kept chaos at a manageable distance, you became organized.
00:07:23.120 --> 00:07:25.519
These responses make sense.
00:07:32.800 --> 00:07:38.000
Your system was not trying to ruin your life, it was trying to preserve it.
00:07:38.240 --> 00:07:41.839
It adapted using the resources that it already had.
00:07:42.240 --> 00:07:54.399
The problem is not that you adapted, the problem is that an adaptation built for one environment can follow you into every environment.
00:07:55.839 --> 00:08:00.639
Imagine a smoke alarm that once detected a real fire.
00:08:01.680 --> 00:08:04.160
It did exactly what it was designed to do.
00:08:04.319 --> 00:08:08.959
It made noise, it woke everybody up, and helped people get out.
00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:16.160
But after the fire, the alarm became so sensitive that it sounded whenever someone made toast.
00:08:16.560 --> 00:08:22.079
The alarm's not evil, it's not weak, it's not intentionally causing trouble.
00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:33.440
It has simply become unable to distinguish smoke from steam, danger from discomfort in the past from the present.
00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:39.519
That is often what survival mode feels like in adulthood.
00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:43.759
A delayed text feels like abandonment.
00:08:44.080 --> 00:08:47.120
Constructive feedback feels like rejection.
00:08:47.519 --> 00:08:52.960
Rest and rest often feels like irresponsibility.
00:08:53.200 --> 00:08:56.320
Someone else's disappointment feels like danger.
00:08:56.559 --> 00:08:59.679
Not knowing what will happen feels intolerable.
00:08:59.919 --> 00:09:03.519
A minor disagreement feels like the beginning of the end.
00:09:04.879 --> 00:09:10.320
And because the reaction happens so quickly, we often create an explanation after the fact.
00:09:10.480 --> 00:09:11.360
I'm just sensitive.
00:09:11.440 --> 00:09:12.399
I'm an overthinker.
00:09:12.480 --> 00:09:13.360
I'm a perfectionist.
00:09:13.440 --> 00:09:14.080
I don't trust people.
00:09:14.159 --> 00:09:15.279
I work better under pressure.
00:09:15.440 --> 00:09:17.200
This is simply how I am.
00:09:18.559 --> 00:09:24.399
But what if some of those sentences are not descriptions of your permanent personality?
00:09:24.879 --> 00:09:32.080
What if they're descriptions of a nervous system that became extremely skilled at keeping you alive?
00:09:34.559 --> 00:09:39.759
There is an important difference between personality and protection.
00:09:40.799 --> 00:09:43.679
Personality has flexibility.
00:09:44.000 --> 00:09:48.879
Protection tends to feel compulsory.
00:09:50.159 --> 00:09:53.840
You may genuinely enjoy helping others.
00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:56.080
That can be a part of your personality.
00:09:56.240 --> 00:10:07.919
But if you cannot say no without feeling intense guilt or panic or fear that the relationship will change, your helpfulness may also contain a survival response.
00:10:09.919 --> 00:10:12.639
You may genuinely value excellence.
00:10:12.960 --> 00:10:22.879
But if a small mistake makes you feel worthless or exposed or unsafe or perfectionism is doing more than helping you do good work.
00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:26.480
You may be naturally independent.
00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:37.200
But if you're but if receiving care makes you suspicious, indebted, ashamed, or uncomfortable, independence may have become armor.
00:10:37.759 --> 00:10:41.120
The question is not, is this trait good or bad?
00:10:41.279 --> 00:10:44.320
The better question is: do I have a choice?
00:10:45.360 --> 00:10:47.440
Can I help or can I decline?
00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:49.840
Can I work hard or can I rest?
00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:53.200
Can I be independent or can I receive support?
00:10:53.600 --> 00:10:58.720
Can I read a room and can I remain connected to myself while I do it?
00:10:59.039 --> 00:11:03.840
Can I be strong and can I be seen when I am not strong?
00:11:04.320 --> 00:11:09.360
Health is not about moving from one extreme to its opposite.
00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:12.320
It is about increasing our range.
00:11:12.559 --> 00:11:16.639
It is about having more than one available response.
00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:21.039
Survival mode narrows your options.
00:11:22.159 --> 00:11:25.679
Healing begins to widen them.
00:11:27.840 --> 00:11:34.159
The next part that I want to talk about is the rules, the roles that survival mode gives us.
00:11:34.720 --> 00:11:39.519
Let's talk about a few of the identities that can grow around survival.
00:11:40.639 --> 00:11:45.600
You may hear yourself in one, two, several, or none of them.
00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:53.039
These are not diagnoses, they're just patterns, ways that people learn to remain safe, connected, or valuable.
00:11:53.600 --> 00:11:55.440
First one is the strong one.
00:11:55.759 --> 00:12:01.039
The strong one is often the person everybody calls in a crisis.
00:12:01.279 --> 00:12:03.039
You know how to take action.
00:12:03.279 --> 00:12:06.799
You can set your feelings aside and do what needs to be done.
00:12:07.120 --> 00:12:09.200
People admire your resilience.
00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:13.039
They may even say, I don't know how you do it.
00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:20.559
And a part of you may feel proud because you're capable, but another part may feel deeply alone.
00:12:21.840 --> 00:12:26.320
The strong one often has difficulty answering a simple question.
00:12:26.799 --> 00:12:28.320
What do you need?
00:12:29.440 --> 00:12:32.000
You may know what everyone else needs.
00:12:32.240 --> 00:12:41.279
You can recognize when a friend is overwhelmed, when your partner is withdrawing, when a family member needs encouragement, or when something at work is about to go wrong.
00:12:41.600 --> 00:12:54.240
But your own needs may not become visible until they are screaming through exhaustion or resentment or headaches or irritability, shutdown, or tears that seem to come from nowhere.
00:12:55.120 --> 00:13:00.639
The strong one may believe if I fall apart, then everything's gonna fall apart.
00:13:00.799 --> 00:13:02.399
So you just keep going.
00:13:03.759 --> 00:13:10.639
And people keep assuming you are fine because you have become very skilled at appearing fine.
00:13:12.559 --> 00:13:14.559
The next one is the helper.
00:13:15.039 --> 00:13:18.639
The helper finds safety through usefulness.
00:13:19.120 --> 00:13:23.840
You may feel most secure in relationships when someone needs you.
00:13:24.080 --> 00:13:33.519
You solve problems, offer rides, remember birthdays, mediate arguments, provide emotional support, and make yourself available even when you are depleted.
00:13:33.840 --> 00:13:35.919
Helping is not the problem.
00:13:37.120 --> 00:13:38.879
Caring for others is beautiful.
00:13:39.039 --> 00:13:44.159
The question is whether your worth has become attached to being needed.
00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:51.519
If a person no longer needs your help, do you wonder whether they still want you?
00:13:52.000 --> 00:13:57.759
If someone is upset, do you immediately assume it is your responsibility to fix it?
00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:04.879
Do you offer more than you genuine genuinely want to give, then quietly resent the person for accepting it?
00:14:05.200 --> 00:14:09.440
Do you know how to be loved when you are not performing a service?
00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:18.720
The helper may carry the belief, if I'm useful enough, then I will not be abandoned.
00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:22.320
The next one is the achiever.
00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:25.279
The achiever survives through performance.
00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:30.799
You learn that success could create safety, approval, identity, or escape.
00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:34.639
You may be disciplined, ambitious, dependable.
00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:38.080
You may have built a life others admire.
00:14:38.320 --> 00:14:41.600
But achievement never feels complete for long.
00:14:41.759 --> 00:14:45.440
You finish one goal and almost immediately focus on the next.
00:14:45.679 --> 00:14:50.480
Praise gives you a brief lift, but it does not settle deeply.
00:14:51.039 --> 00:14:59.600
A mistake feels disproportionately painful because it does not register merely as something you did.
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:03.039
It feels like evidence of who you are.
00:15:04.399 --> 00:15:09.279
The achiever may struggle with activities that have no measurable outcome.
00:15:09.600 --> 00:15:18.320
Play can feel pointless, rest can feel undeserved, hobbies become projects, healing becomes another performance.
00:15:19.039 --> 00:15:25.279
With this one, the underlying belief may be if I do enough, I will finally be enough.
00:15:27.840 --> 00:15:29.840
Next is the peacekeeper.
00:15:30.320 --> 00:15:33.519
The peacekeeper survives by reducing tension.
00:15:33.679 --> 00:15:38.320
You notice subtle changes in tone, facial expressions, postures, energy.
00:15:38.799 --> 00:15:42.240
You may be excellent at seeing multiple perspectives.
00:15:42.399 --> 00:15:48.559
You can explain why everyone feels the way they do, except perhaps yourself.
00:15:49.600 --> 00:15:54.080
Conflict does not simply feel unpleasant, it can feel dangerous.
00:15:54.399 --> 00:16:05.200
So you soften your opinions, you apologize quickly, you take responsibility for things that are not entirely yours and agree before you have checked in with yourself.
00:16:06.240 --> 00:16:17.279
You may call yourself easygoing, but sometimes being easygoing means other people get to have preferences while you get to have adaptability.
00:16:18.320 --> 00:16:24.639
The peacekeeper may believe if everyone else is okay, then I am safe.
00:16:27.120 --> 00:16:29.759
Next is the controller or the planner.
00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:33.759
The planner finds safety through predictability.
00:16:33.919 --> 00:16:47.679
You make lists, you research, you prepare for several outcomes, you may arrive early, replay conversations, play what you will say, or become frustrated when plans change suddenly.
00:16:49.840 --> 00:16:58.879
Planning is useful, yes, but when it becomes a survival strategy, uncertainty does not feel like an ordinary part of life.
00:16:59.039 --> 00:17:00.960
It feels like exposure.
00:17:02.000 --> 00:17:09.680
You may attempt to control small details because larger parts of life once felt uncomfortable.
00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:14.240
If you can anticipate everything, perhaps nothing can surprise you.
00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:19.119
And if nothing surprises you, then perhaps nothing can hurt you.
00:17:20.160 --> 00:17:26.000
The planner may believe if I am prepared enough, then I can prevent pain.
00:17:28.000 --> 00:17:30.079
Next to the invisible one.
00:17:30.319 --> 00:17:35.839
The invisible one survives by taking up as little emotional space as possible.
00:17:36.720 --> 00:17:40.799
You may rarely complain, you say it's fine, even when it's not.
00:17:40.960 --> 00:17:47.359
You avoid asking for accommodations, you minimize your pain because someone else has it worse.
00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:51.039
You may feel embarrassed when attention is focused on you.
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:58.880
You learn that needs could burden people, could invite criticism, create conflict, or even go unanswered.
00:17:58.960 --> 00:18:01.119
So you stop displaying them.
00:18:02.559 --> 00:18:10.799
The invisible one may believe if I do not need anything, then I certainly cannot be rejected for needing it.
00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:13.440
The independent one.
00:18:13.839 --> 00:18:17.519
The independent one survives by relying on no one.
00:18:17.759 --> 00:18:22.319
You can handle things yourself, sometimes even when help is freely offered.
00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:35.599
Depending on people feels risky because people can disappoint you, control you, keep score, they can leave you or use your vulnerability against you.
00:18:36.160 --> 00:18:39.759
Your independence may be one of the greatest strengths.
00:18:40.240 --> 00:18:45.039
It may also prevent you from experience the kind of care you once needed.
00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:51.200
The independent one may believe if I never need anyone, then no one can let me down.
00:18:53.039 --> 00:18:54.880
Lastly is the entertainer.
00:18:55.119 --> 00:19:00.960
The entertainer creates safety through humor, charm, or emotional redirection.
00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:05.200
You know how to make people laugh when the room becomes uncomfortable.
00:19:05.680 --> 00:19:10.160
You can tell a painful story in a way that keeps everyone entertained.
00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:20.799
You may use humor beautifully and genuinely, sure, but sometimes the joke arrives at the exact moment vulnerability begins to surface.
00:19:21.119 --> 00:19:24.160
If people are laughing, they're not looking too closely.
00:19:24.319 --> 00:19:30.559
If you keep the room light, perhaps no one will ask whether your heart feels heavy.
00:19:31.200 --> 00:19:41.279
The entertainer may believe if I keep everyone comfortable, I can stay connected without being fully seen.
00:19:43.759 --> 00:19:51.759
As you hear these different roles, notice which one creates a response inside of you.
00:19:52.240 --> 00:20:06.640
Not which one you can intellectually identify, but which one creates a little tightening in your chest, a little lump in your throat, a feeling of being recognized, or even possible irritation.
00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:13.759
Sometimes irritation is recognition that's wearing armor.
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:19.119
And please remember, these roles are not fake versions of you.
00:20:19.279 --> 00:20:20.960
They become part of you.
00:20:21.359 --> 00:20:21.920
Sure.
00:20:22.160 --> 00:20:31.359
The helper's compassion is real, the achiever's drive is real, the peacekeeper's empathy is real, the strong one's courage is real.
00:20:31.759 --> 00:20:35.839
Healing does not require throwing those gifts away.
00:20:36.160 --> 00:20:42.240
It means removing the fear-based job description that's attached to them.
00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:46.160
You can be helpful without earning your right to belong.
00:20:46.319 --> 00:20:49.599
You can achieve without placing your worth on trial.
00:20:49.759 --> 00:20:54.319
You can make peace without abandoning your truth.
00:20:54.480 --> 00:20:59.599
You can be strong without being strong every minute.
00:21:02.000 --> 00:21:02.960
Part three.
00:21:03.119 --> 00:21:06.240
What survival mode looks like from the inside.
00:21:06.480 --> 00:21:13.359
Survival mode is often misunderstood because it doesn't always look dramatic from the outside.
00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:17.839
Sometimes it looks like a highly functioning life.
00:21:18.079 --> 00:21:25.519
You go to work, you respond to messages, you take care of the family, you meet deadlines, you smile when someone asks how you're doing.
00:21:27.200 --> 00:21:31.279
You may even be the person other people come to for emotional support.
00:21:31.519 --> 00:21:36.160
But internally, you rarely feel completely off duty.
00:21:36.720 --> 00:21:44.160
There is always something to monitor, something to solve, to anticipate, replay, or even prevent.
00:21:44.880 --> 00:21:48.160
Even good moments can be difficult to inhabit.
00:21:48.319 --> 00:21:52.960
When life becomes calm instead of feeling relief, you may feel restless.
00:21:53.279 --> 00:21:55.920
Your mind starts searching for what you forgot.
00:21:56.319 --> 00:21:58.480
You may think things are going too well.
00:21:58.559 --> 00:21:59.759
Something must be about to happen.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:01.039
Happen.
00:22:01.519 --> 00:22:07.039
This is one of the crueler parts of prolonged survival mode.
00:22:07.359 --> 00:22:12.319
Peace can initially feel less familiar than stress.
00:22:13.119 --> 00:22:20.960
Familiarity is not the same as safety, but the nervous system often confuses the two.
00:22:21.200 --> 00:22:25.519
If chaos was familiar, calm may feel suspicious.
00:22:25.759 --> 00:22:30.240
If criticism was familiar, kindness may feel manipulative.
00:22:30.799 --> 00:22:38.319
If inconsistency was familiar, stable love may feel boring or frightening because now you have something to lose.
00:22:38.799 --> 00:22:43.440
If you are always responsible, being cared for may feel uncomfortable.
00:22:43.759 --> 00:22:48.400
Your body does not automatically trust what your mind understands.
00:22:49.200 --> 00:22:59.920
You may know that your current partner is not your former partner, sure, but your body reacts to a change in tone before the reasoning even catches up.
00:23:00.160 --> 00:23:11.119
You may know that your boss's feedback is not the same as childhood criticism, but your stomach drops as though you're belonging right back into that danger.
00:23:12.880 --> 00:23:19.279
You may know that one mistake will not destroy your career, yet you replay it all evening.
00:23:19.839 --> 00:23:22.480
These responses can be frustrating.
00:23:23.119 --> 00:23:27.519
People sometimes say, I know better, so why can't I do better?
00:23:27.839 --> 00:23:33.599
Because knowing is important, but knowing is not the same as feeling safe.
00:23:34.799 --> 00:23:38.240
The nervous system learns through repeated experience.
00:23:38.480 --> 00:23:41.839
It learns through what happens after you set a boundary.
00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:44.079
It learns through surviving a disagreement.
00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:49.599
It learns through asking for help and discovering that the person responds with care.
00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.880
It learns through resting and watching the world continuing to turn.
00:23:55.519 --> 00:23:59.599
It learns through making a mistake and remaining worthy.
00:24:00.799 --> 00:24:07.599
This is why heavy, or sorry, this is why healing often feels so slow.
00:24:08.160 --> 00:24:15.119
You are not merely changing a thought, you're giving the entire system new evidence.
00:24:16.319 --> 00:24:23.839
Another inner experience of survival mode is exhaustion mixed with an inability to stop.
00:24:24.319 --> 00:24:31.759
You may say, Oh, I'm so tired, and then fill the first often of the first open space in your calendar.
00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:38.640
You may long for a break, but once you have one, you feel guilty, restless, emotionally flooded.
00:24:39.839 --> 00:24:46.240
Constant motion can keep feeling, can keep, can keep difficult feelings at a distance.
00:24:46.559 --> 00:24:54.480
When activity stops, grief, anger, fear, loneliness, unmet needs may finally become audible.
00:24:55.039 --> 00:24:56.880
Busyness is not always ambition.
00:24:57.119 --> 00:25:01.359
Sometimes it is emotional noise canceling.
00:25:02.319 --> 00:25:06.720
This does not mean that every busy person is avoiding feelings.
00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:11.519
It means we become curious about what the stillness brings up.
00:25:13.200 --> 00:25:20.079
So ask yourself, when nothing is urgently required of me, what happens inside my body?
00:25:20.720 --> 00:25:22.160
Do I soften?
00:25:22.400 --> 00:25:24.079
Do I become anxious?
00:25:24.400 --> 00:25:26.640
Do I immediately look for another task?
00:25:26.799 --> 00:25:27.599
Do I feel guilty?
00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:28.640
Do I feel sadness?
00:25:28.720 --> 00:25:33.920
Do I feel empty because I don't know who I am outside of what I provide?
00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:43.119
There may also be a strange gap between how others see you and how you experience yourself.
00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:46.640
Others see confidence, you feel preparation.
00:25:46.880 --> 00:25:50.720
Others see generosity, you feel obligation.
00:25:50.960 --> 00:25:53.279
Others seem calm, you feel numb.
00:25:53.440 --> 00:25:57.359
Others see independence, you feel unable to trust.
00:25:57.680 --> 00:26:02.640
Others see success, you feel one mistake away from exposure.
00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:07.759
Others see resilience, you feel as though you were never given another option.
00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:12.559
That gap can make compliments really hard to receive.
00:26:12.880 --> 00:26:20.880
When someone says, Oh, you are so strong, part of you may want to say, Oh, I didn't want to have to be, I didn't have a choice.
00:26:21.119 --> 00:26:28.079
When someone says, you always have everything put together, you may wonder what would happen if they saw the cost.
00:26:30.400 --> 00:26:38.160
Survival mode can create an identity that is admired and trapped at the exact same time.
00:26:43.200 --> 00:26:48.799
Next thing I want to talk about is separating the identity from adaptation.
00:26:49.359 --> 00:26:57.599
If survival mode has shaped your identity, the idea of changing can feel strangely threatening.
00:26:58.240 --> 00:27:02.160
You may wonder if I'm not the strong one, then who am I?
00:27:02.400 --> 00:27:05.440
If I'm not useful, will people still want me?
00:27:05.599 --> 00:27:08.000
If I stop achieving, will I lose my edge?
00:27:08.319 --> 00:27:12.319
If I stop anticipating problems, will everything fall apart?
00:27:12.480 --> 00:27:15.759
If I become less guarded, will I become naive?
00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:18.559
These are reasonable concerns.
00:27:18.720 --> 00:27:19.279
Yes.
00:27:19.599 --> 00:27:24.960
Healing does not mean becoming careless or passive or dependent or unwise.
00:27:25.200 --> 00:27:29.279
It doesn't mean that you start trusting everyone.
00:27:29.839 --> 00:27:35.839
It means developing discernment rather than living by automatic defense.
00:27:37.359 --> 00:27:43.519
One useful practice is to change identity statements into strategy statements.
00:27:43.920 --> 00:27:54.240
So instead of saying, I'm an overthinker, try, I learn to think through every possible outcome when uncertainty felt unsafe.
00:27:55.279 --> 00:28:03.440
Instead of saying, I'm so needy, try my attachment system becomes activated when connection feels uncertain.
00:28:04.880 --> 00:28:11.839
Instead of I'm so controlling, try, I reach for control when I'm vulnerable.
00:28:12.799 --> 00:28:20.960
Instead of saying I'm lazy, try saying my system may be depleted after operating under stress for so long.
00:28:22.480 --> 00:28:33.920
Instead of saying I'm bad at relationships, try saying, I learned relationship strategies that protected me before, but they may not fit the relationships that I want now.
00:28:35.359 --> 00:28:39.920
Language matters because identity sounds permanent.
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:43.519
Strategy sounds learned.
00:28:43.759 --> 00:28:52.160
And what was learned can be understood, can be updated, expanded, adapted.
00:28:53.599 --> 00:28:56.480
Try adding time to this sentence.
00:28:58.319 --> 00:29:03.599
Right now, a part of me feels unsafe rather than I feel unsafe.
00:29:03.920 --> 00:29:09.200
Or in this moment, I am having the urge to fix everything.
00:29:09.519 --> 00:29:16.319
Today, receiving helps, receiving help makes me feel uncomfortable.
00:29:16.559 --> 00:29:25.680
The words right now, today, in this moment, remind the brain that it is a state and not a self.
00:29:25.920 --> 00:29:31.440
Another important question is who are you when you feel safe?
00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:38.559
Not who are you when you feel productive, not who are you when everyone approves of you?
00:29:38.880 --> 00:29:43.119
Who are you in the presence of enough safety?
00:29:43.359 --> 00:29:53.519
Maybe you're playful, maybe you're creative, maybe you're curious, affectionate, silly, slow, adventurous, opinionated, tender, spontaneous.
00:29:54.000 --> 00:29:56.880
Maybe you don't even know yet, and that's okay.
00:29:57.359 --> 00:30:03.039
For some people, healing includes meeting themselves for the very first time.
00:30:04.400 --> 00:30:11.519
They have spent so much of life responding to the environment that they have had a little space to discover preference.
00:30:11.680 --> 00:30:13.279
So start small.
00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:18.559
What music do you enjoy when no one else is in the car?
00:30:19.359 --> 00:30:22.000
What pace feels good to your body?
00:30:22.319 --> 00:30:25.200
What do you genuinely want to eat?
00:30:25.519 --> 00:30:28.720
What kind of rest restores you?
00:30:29.039 --> 00:30:34.240
What opinion appears before you edit it for acceptability?
00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:38.160
What would you choose if no one were disappointed?
00:30:38.559 --> 00:30:44.160
These questions aren't selfish, but they build self-contact.
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:51.680
You can't set meaningful boundaries if you don't know where you end and someone else begins.
00:30:52.160 --> 00:30:56.960
You can't communicate needs if you have trained yourself not to notice them.
00:30:57.519 --> 00:31:05.119
And you can't build a life that fits you if you know only how to fit yourself into other people's lives.
00:31:08.400 --> 00:31:14.720
The last part I want to highlight for today is what healing may actually look like.
00:31:16.400 --> 00:31:21.680
Healing from survival mode is often quieter than people expect.
00:31:22.079 --> 00:31:28.640
It may not look like waking up every morning completely calm and confident and unbothered.
00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:36.079
It may look like noticing your urge to apologize and choosing to take one breath first.
00:31:36.799 --> 00:31:42.799
It may look like saying I'm not available without writing a paragraph to justify it.
00:31:43.039 --> 00:31:46.720
It may look like enjoying an afternoon without needing to earn it.
00:31:46.880 --> 00:31:52.160
It may look like asking someone for help and staying present through the discomfort.
00:31:52.720 --> 00:32:00.079
It may look like recognizing a trauma response 15 minutes after it happens instead of three days.
00:32:00.640 --> 00:32:07.759
Then over time, perhaps recognizing it while it is happening.
00:32:09.200 --> 00:32:15.839
Then occasionally recognizing it just before it takes over.
00:32:17.519 --> 00:32:20.640
Progress is not the absence of activation.
00:32:20.960 --> 00:32:28.400
It is an expanding ability to notice, to recover, to repair, and to choose.
00:32:30.559 --> 00:32:34.240
Healing may also feel worse before it feels better.
00:32:34.480 --> 00:32:38.160
When you stop people pleasing, yes, you may feel guilt.
00:32:38.400 --> 00:32:44.559
When you stop overworking, you may encounter feelings that busyness concealed.
00:32:45.039 --> 00:32:49.359
When you let other people help, you may even feel exposed.
00:32:49.519 --> 00:32:55.200
When you stop controlling every outcome, anxiety may initially rise.
00:32:56.000 --> 00:32:59.839
This does not automatically mean the new behavior is wrong.
00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:09.119
Sometimes discomfort and the sensation of an old pattern, or is the sensation of an old pattern losing its authority.
00:33:10.880 --> 00:33:14.720
Think of walking up a familiar trail up a mountain.
00:33:14.799 --> 00:33:20.559
You know every turn, even if the trail is steep and painful, it's still predictable.
00:33:21.519 --> 00:33:30.079
A new trail may be gentler, but because it's unfamiliar, every bend creates uncertainty.
00:33:30.799 --> 00:33:37.359
Your body may prefer the known painful trail to the unknown peaceful one.
00:33:38.799 --> 00:33:40.400
So go slowly.
00:33:40.640 --> 00:33:43.279
Bring support, pay attention.
00:33:43.839 --> 00:33:48.480
But please don't assume unfamiliar means wrong.
00:33:49.039 --> 00:33:54.480
There will also be times when old survival responses return strongly.
00:33:54.799 --> 00:34:03.519
Stress, grief, illness, conflict, anniversaries, financial pressure, or major life transitions can reactivate them.
00:34:03.759 --> 00:34:06.480
That does not erase your growth.
00:34:07.039 --> 00:34:10.559
Healing is not a straight line from every old response.
00:34:10.719 --> 00:34:16.480
It is a growing relationship with yourself when those responses appear.
00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:25.280
Instead of saying, I can't believe I'm back here, you might say, something in me is asking for a bit more support right now.
00:34:25.519 --> 00:34:33.679
Instead of saying, I should be over this, try saying, this pattern makes sense under stress, and I can use what I have learned.
00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:37.519
The goal is not never to enter into survival mode.
00:34:37.679 --> 00:34:40.320
Survival responses are a part of being human.
00:34:40.559 --> 00:34:46.880
The goal is to recognize when you were there and develop pathways home.
00:34:51.679 --> 00:34:59.039
In closing, I want you to remember that you are more than the person who survived.
00:35:01.039 --> 00:35:06.960
I want to speak directly to the person who is tired of being strong.
00:35:08.559 --> 00:35:16.239
The person who has held everything together for so long that nobody seems to notice how heavy it is.
00:35:17.119 --> 00:35:23.599
The person who can explain everyone else's behavior but struggles to name their own hurt.
00:35:24.320 --> 00:35:31.119
The person who has built an impressive life around never again feeling powerless.
00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:37.519
The person who has been praised for a resilience they never wanted to need.
00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:44.000
You're not weak because your coping strategies are tired.
00:35:45.119 --> 00:35:50.239
You're not ungrateful because the life you built no longer feels spacious enough.
00:35:50.320 --> 00:35:54.960
You're not selfish because you're learning to include yourself in the care you give.
00:35:55.280 --> 00:35:59.199
You're not failing because peace feels unfamiliar.
00:36:00.079 --> 00:36:05.119
And you're not broken because your body remembers what your life has survived.
00:36:06.079 --> 00:36:08.320
There was wisdom in the way you adapted.
00:36:08.480 --> 00:36:10.480
There was courage in the way that you continued.
00:36:10.639 --> 00:36:14.559
There was creativity in the person you learned to become.
00:36:16.000 --> 00:36:21.199
But survival does not have to be the final form of your life.
00:36:22.719 --> 00:36:25.519
The strong one can learn to lean.
00:36:26.400 --> 00:36:29.119
The helper can learn to receive.
00:36:30.159 --> 00:36:34.159
The achiever can learn to exist without earning.
00:36:36.239 --> 00:36:41.039
The peacekeeper can learn that honesty is not the enemy of connection.
00:36:41.760 --> 00:36:46.239
The planner can learn to leave a little room for uncertainty.
00:36:46.480 --> 00:36:49.440
The invisible one can learn to take up space.
00:36:49.679 --> 00:36:54.800
The independent one can learn that interdependence is not helplessness.
00:36:56.719 --> 00:37:02.800
The entertainer can learn that they are still worthy of company when the room becomes quiet.
00:37:04.159 --> 00:37:06.400
None of this happens through force.
00:37:06.719 --> 00:37:10.079
You don't bully yourself into safety.
00:37:10.320 --> 00:37:16.719
You build it slowly, honestly, and repeatedly.
00:37:17.119 --> 00:37:37.760
One boundary, one pause, one honest answer, one request for help, one moment of rest that you don't apologize for, one experience at a time that you teach your body and your nervous system that today is not every yesterday.
00:37:40.159 --> 00:37:43.440
There is an image I want to leave with you.
00:37:44.960 --> 00:37:49.920
Imagine someone who has climbed a mountain carrying a heavy emergency backpack.
00:37:50.480 --> 00:37:53.280
Every item in that pack had a purpose.
00:37:53.519 --> 00:37:59.920
It held the tools that helped them navigate bad weather, difficult terrain, hunger, darkness, injury.
00:38:00.239 --> 00:38:03.119
The pack helped them make it.
00:38:03.840 --> 00:38:06.960
But now they have reached a place where the weather is calm.
00:38:07.119 --> 00:38:08.559
There's shelter nearby.
00:38:12.880 --> 00:38:20.079
Still, they keep that pack strapped so tightly to their body because taking it off feels dangerous.
00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:26.639
Healing is not someone ripping the pack away and saying, You shouldn't need this anymore.
00:38:26.960 --> 00:38:30.320
Healing is finding a safe place to sit.
00:38:31.360 --> 00:38:35.119
It is opening the pack with compassion.
00:38:36.960 --> 00:38:41.840
It looks at each item and saying, Huh, I remember why I needed you.
00:38:42.320 --> 00:38:50.000
It is deciding what still belongs on the journey, what can be used differently, and what you may be ready to set down.
00:38:52.159 --> 00:39:04.000
It's discovering that preparedness can remain without panic, that strength can remain without isolation, and awareness can remain without constant hypervigilance.
00:39:04.159 --> 00:39:07.679
Care can remain without self-abandonment.
00:39:08.559 --> 00:39:15.360
You don't have to hate the person you became in order to become someone more free.
00:39:16.480 --> 00:39:23.039
You can honor that person who survived while making room for the person who now wants to live.
00:39:27.360 --> 00:39:32.639
Thank you for spending time with me on Holding Space on the Mountain.
00:39:41.360 --> 00:39:44.480
Drink some water, step outside if you can.
00:39:44.719 --> 00:39:46.480
Write down what you noticed.
00:39:46.719 --> 00:39:48.480
Talk with someone safe.
00:39:48.719 --> 00:40:02.000
And if these patterns are deeply affecting your relationship or your health or your daily life, maybe consider talking with a therapist or a counselor who can walk beside you.
00:40:02.719 --> 00:40:08.400
You deserve support that does not require you to perform strength first.
00:40:11.360 --> 00:40:15.760
There is still a self beneath the armor.
00:40:16.239 --> 00:40:22.639
There is still a life beyond the emergency, and you're allowed to meet it slowly.
00:40:25.119 --> 00:40:30.320
Until next time, take care of yourself.
00:40:31.360 --> 00:40:34.079
You are more than what happened to you.
00:40:34.320 --> 00:40:37.360
You are more than the roles that you had to play.
00:40:37.519 --> 00:40:40.719
You are more than the person who survived.
00:40:42.800 --> 00:40:45.360
I'll meet you back here next time.
00:40:46.639 --> 00:40:51.199
This is Holding Space on the Mountain, and I'm your host, Amber Surstead.
