WEBVTT
00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:11.679
Welcome to Holding Space on the Mountain.
00:00:11.759 --> 00:00:14.000
I'm your host, Amber Surstead.
00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:19.600
Think of this as a cozy cabin in the forest up on the mountain.
00:00:19.839 --> 00:00:28.559
A place to slow down, breathe deeply, and talk honestly about grief, growth, and mental health.
00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:40.799
Here we explore life's peaks and valleys, share stories, and find practical ways to keep moving forward, even when the path gets rough.
00:00:41.600 --> 00:00:51.200
So, pour yourself a warm drink, settle into a comfortable spot, and let's climb this mountain together.
00:00:51.600 --> 00:00:54.000
One conversation at a time.
00:01:14.239 --> 00:01:29.359
Today we're embarking on a deep journey into the world of ambiguous loss, a kind of grief that is often invisible, misunderstood, and profoundly challenging.
00:01:30.159 --> 00:01:36.000
We've talked about this in an earlier episode, but we're going to dig just a bit deeper.
00:01:37.519 --> 00:01:49.200
This episode is for anyone who has felt loss in uncertainty, who has mourned what cannot be named, and who needs space to honor that experience.
00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:56.879
Ambiguous loss is everywhere, yet we rarely ever speak about it.
00:01:57.760 --> 00:02:07.920
It's the pain of not knowing, the ache of absence without closure, the confusion when someone is here but they're not really here.
00:02:08.879 --> 00:02:17.840
It's the grief that lingers in the background, shaping lives and relationships in ways we don't always see.
00:02:20.719 --> 00:02:34.240
Today we'll explore what ambiguous loss is, how it affects us, and most importantly, how to hold space for ourselves and for others as we navigate its complexities.
00:02:36.159 --> 00:02:36.479
Dr.
00:02:36.800 --> 00:02:44.000
Pauline Boss first described ambiguous loss and identified two main forms.
00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:49.680
One was physical absence with psychological presence.
00:02:50.159 --> 00:02:53.360
So someone is missing but still alive.
00:02:54.240 --> 00:03:01.199
This might be a loved one who is missing, estranged, or separated by distance or circumstance.
00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:07.520
The second one is physical presence with psychological absence.
00:03:08.319 --> 00:03:20.080
Someone is present, but emotionally or cognitively unavailable, like a family member with dementia, severe mental illness or addiction.
00:03:23.039 --> 00:03:26.719
Both forms disrupt our sense of closure.
00:03:27.039 --> 00:03:30.319
The loss is real, but it's hard to name.
00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:33.520
It's hard to mourn and it's hard to move forward.
00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:38.800
Ambiguous loss often brings a tangled web of emotions.
00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:42.159
There's on one hand you have longing and hope.
00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:48.240
We hope for return, for change, for clarity, then there's anger and frustration.
00:03:48.479 --> 00:03:49.759
Why can't things be different?
00:03:49.919 --> 00:03:51.840
Why can't others understand?
00:03:52.080 --> 00:03:53.199
There's guilt.
00:03:53.599 --> 00:03:55.039
Am I allowed to grieve?
00:03:55.199 --> 00:03:58.560
Am I betraying someone by acknowledging the loss?
00:03:58.719 --> 00:04:00.159
Or what about confusion?
00:04:00.400 --> 00:04:03.360
How do I make sense of all of this?
00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:12.800
These emotions can feel overwhelming, especially when others don't recognize or validate our pain.
00:04:13.120 --> 00:04:19.920
Ambiguous loss is often disenfranchised, unseen, and unsupported.
00:04:21.839 --> 00:04:27.759
Let's pause for some real life story scenarios.
00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:29.279
Dementia.
00:04:29.439 --> 00:04:38.560
So imagine a spouse watching their parents slowly fade, memories slipping away, conversations growing shorter.
00:04:38.879 --> 00:04:43.519
The person is physically present, but the relationship has changed.
00:04:44.399 --> 00:04:47.360
My mom personally has dementia.
00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:52.480
And when she's stable and things are going good, she's doing good.
00:04:52.639 --> 00:04:57.519
And she's we're able to talk as if most things are normal.
00:04:57.759 --> 00:05:28.399
And if things are just a bit unstable, um things have a have have a wild way of shifting very quickly to where all of a sudden it's as if we were 35 years in the past and she's reacting as if it's today, or or if she's not sure if I'm me, or if I'm her mother who is deceased.
00:05:29.279 --> 00:05:39.199
Uh so it's just so grieving that it's it can be a very, very complicated, confusing type of ambiguous grief.
00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:42.160
Ambiguous loss.
00:05:42.480 --> 00:05:44.639
Another one is missing persons.
00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:52.480
A parent waits for news, every phone call, a possibility, every day a mix of hope and despair.
00:05:52.720 --> 00:05:54.000
What about a strangement?
00:05:54.240 --> 00:05:56.720
So a child no longer speaks to their parent.
00:05:56.879 --> 00:06:01.199
The absence is not death, but it's still a very big loss.
00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:03.759
Migration is another one.
00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:08.319
So someone leaves their homeland, their family, and culture behind.
00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:12.560
The loss is both physical and psychological.
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:20.800
These stories show how ambiguous loss can shape lives, relationships, and identity.
00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:29.600
Clinically speaking, ambiguous loss may lead to several different things that we're going to talk about.
00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:31.839
Number one is chronic grief.
00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:34.079
Loss doesn't resolve.
00:06:34.399 --> 00:06:36.879
So grief persists.
00:06:37.439 --> 00:06:44.480
Anxiety and depression, the uncertainty is stressful, sometimes very, very overwhelming.
00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:46.800
Difficulty with decision making.
00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:51.600
Without closure, it can be very difficult to move forward.
00:06:52.160 --> 00:07:00.240
Family conflict, different members may cope in different ways, leading to misunderstanding and tension.
00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:06.720
Recognizing ambiguous loss is the first step in supporting those affected.
00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:12.160
Our brains crave closure.
00:07:13.519 --> 00:07:19.279
Ambiguous loss leaves us in limbo, unable to process and integrate the loss.
00:07:19.519 --> 00:07:21.040
So what's the result?
00:07:21.519 --> 00:07:24.480
Well, persistent rumination.
00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:30.319
So we replay scenarios, we search for answers, we hope for resolution.
00:07:31.279 --> 00:07:33.759
And there's emotional exhaustion.
00:07:34.319 --> 00:07:41.040
The uncertainty drains us physically and emotionally, and difficulty trusting.
00:07:41.199 --> 00:07:48.720
If loss is unclear, we may struggle to trust ourselves, to trust others, to trust the world.
00:07:50.079 --> 00:07:57.279
Understanding this can help us be a bit more gentler with ourselves.
00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:05.360
Holding space for ambiguous loss means listening without judgment.
00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:10.959
So allowing ourselves and others to name that loss even if it's unclear.
00:08:11.839 --> 00:08:13.360
Validating feelings.
00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:18.399
It's normal to feel angry and sad and confused or hopeful.
00:08:19.120 --> 00:08:22.480
And sometimes all of these in the same minute.
00:08:23.040 --> 00:08:24.959
Accepting ambiguity.
00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:27.759
Closure may never come.
00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:31.600
And that's okay.
00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:35.039
Doesn't make it easy.
00:08:35.440 --> 00:08:40.159
It's okay, and it's okay to recognize that.
00:08:41.120 --> 00:08:43.120
Practicing compassion.
00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:48.480
We are doing the best we can with what we have.
00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:56.000
Here are a couple tools for navigating ambiguous loss.
00:08:56.159 --> 00:08:58.000
Number one is mindfulness.
00:08:58.399 --> 00:09:02.960
Practice being present with the uncertainty.
00:09:03.360 --> 00:09:08.960
Just being present, being aware, being mindful of what's going on.
00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:10.399
Journaling.
00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:12.399
So write about your loss.
00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:18.080
Write about your hopes, your fears, your angers, your disappointments.
00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:20.799
Another one is rituals.
00:09:20.879 --> 00:09:23.440
So create new ways to honor that loss.
00:09:23.679 --> 00:09:32.240
Some people light a candle, some like to create art, others will hold a ceremony.
00:09:34.559 --> 00:09:37.600
Another one is therapy and support groups.
00:09:37.919 --> 00:09:46.399
Seek spaces where ambiguous loss is understood and validated and not judged and criticized.
00:09:48.879 --> 00:09:53.120
And honestly, probably most importantly, self-compassion.
00:09:53.440 --> 00:09:59.840
Remind yourself that grief is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of love.
00:10:03.919 --> 00:10:06.879
I want to try a guided reflection.
00:10:07.840 --> 00:10:11.120
Wherever you're at, find a comfortable seat.
00:10:12.240 --> 00:10:14.639
Close your eyes if you wish.
00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:20.080
Think about that ambiguous loss in your life.
00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:26.000
Notice the emotions that come up for you.
00:10:29.279 --> 00:10:32.799
Ask yourself, what do I need right now?
00:10:34.240 --> 00:10:38.960
What would help me feel seen and supported?
00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:54.480
Imagine holding your loss gently, without judgment, breathing in compassion, and breathing out self-criticism.
00:10:57.679 --> 00:11:01.039
And you can return to this practice whenever you need.
00:11:01.360 --> 00:11:04.240
Just take a couple minutes out of your day.
00:11:05.519 --> 00:11:08.080
Just be mindful of what's going on.
00:11:11.919 --> 00:11:20.320
I invite you to share your story with a friend, coworker, family member.
00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:24.480
What ambiguous loss have you experienced?
00:11:24.960 --> 00:11:28.399
How did it shape your life and relationships?
00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:35.039
What support did you find or wish you had found?
00:11:36.399 --> 00:11:39.519
Your stories help others feel less alone.
00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:49.919
If you're struggling right now, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist that's trained in grief and trauma.
00:11:52.240 --> 00:11:57.200
Explore books like, for example, Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss.
00:11:57.360 --> 00:12:06.559
Find online support groups for families affected by dementia or mercy missing persons or estrangement, whatever your situation may be.
00:12:07.440 --> 00:12:11.759
And remember you are not alone.
00:12:14.240 --> 00:12:20.320
Ambiguous loss is like climbing a mountain without a clear path.
00:12:21.840 --> 00:12:26.879
There are moments of hope and despair and uncertainty.
00:12:27.759 --> 00:12:32.159
There's also strength, there's resilience and community.
00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:41.440
As we close, I invite you to hold space for ambiguity in your life.
00:12:42.639 --> 00:12:53.919
Let yourself feel, let yourself grieve, let yourself heal one step at a time.
00:12:57.840 --> 00:13:02.559
Thank you for joining me today and holding space on the mountain.
00:13:06.320 --> 00:13:27.120
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who you might think will also need some time to sit and pause and reflect on some of the ambiguous loss in their life.
00:13:29.759 --> 00:13:36.960
I hope this episode has left you feeling a little less alone and a little more understood.
00:13:38.879 --> 00:13:45.679
Until next time, this is Holding Space on the Mountain, and I'm your host, Amber Surstead.
00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:11.679
Welcome to Holding Space on the Mountain.
00:00:11.759 --> 00:00:14.000
I'm your host, Amber Surstead.
00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:19.600
Think of this as a cozy cabin in the forest up on the mountain.
00:00:19.839 --> 00:00:28.559
A place to slow down, breathe deeply, and talk honestly about grief, growth, and mental health.
00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:40.799
Here we explore life's peaks and valleys, share stories, and find practical ways to keep moving forward, even when the path gets rough.
00:00:41.600 --> 00:00:51.200
So, pour yourself a warm drink, settle into a comfortable spot, and let's climb this mountain together.
00:00:51.600 --> 00:00:54.000
One conversation at a time.
00:01:14.239 --> 00:01:29.359
Today we're embarking on a deep journey into the world of ambiguous loss, a kind of grief that is often invisible, misunderstood, and profoundly challenging.
00:01:30.159 --> 00:01:36.000
We've talked about this in an earlier episode, but we're going to dig just a bit deeper.
00:01:37.519 --> 00:01:49.200
This episode is for anyone who has felt loss in uncertainty, who has mourned what cannot be named, and who needs space to honor that experience.
00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:56.879
Ambiguous loss is everywhere, yet we rarely ever speak about it.
00:01:57.760 --> 00:02:07.920
It's the pain of not knowing, the ache of absence without closure, the confusion when someone is here but they're not really here.
00:02:08.879 --> 00:02:17.840
It's the grief that lingers in the background, shaping lives and relationships in ways we don't always see.
00:02:20.719 --> 00:02:34.240
Today we'll explore what ambiguous loss is, how it affects us, and most importantly, how to hold space for ourselves and for others as we navigate its complexities.
00:02:36.159 --> 00:02:36.479
Dr.
00:02:36.800 --> 00:02:44.000
Pauline Boss first described ambiguous loss and identified two main forms.
00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:49.680
One was physical absence with psychological presence.
00:02:50.159 --> 00:02:53.360
So someone is missing but still alive.
00:02:54.240 --> 00:03:01.199
This might be a loved one who is missing, estranged, or separated by distance or circumstance.
00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:07.520
The second one is physical presence with psychological absence.
00:03:08.319 --> 00:03:20.080
Someone is present, but emotionally or cognitively unavailable, like a family member with dementia, severe mental illness or addiction.
00:03:23.039 --> 00:03:26.719
Both forms disrupt our sense of closure.
00:03:27.039 --> 00:03:30.319
The loss is real, but it's hard to name.
00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:33.520
It's hard to mourn and it's hard to move forward.
00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:38.800
Ambiguous loss often brings a tangled web of emotions.
00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:42.159
There's on one hand you have longing and hope.
00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:48.240
We hope for return, for change, for clarity, then there's anger and frustration.
00:03:48.479 --> 00:03:49.759
Why can't things be different?
00:03:49.919 --> 00:03:51.840
Why can't others understand?
00:03:52.080 --> 00:03:53.199
There's guilt.
00:03:53.599 --> 00:03:55.039
Am I allowed to grieve?
00:03:55.199 --> 00:03:58.560
Am I betraying someone by acknowledging the loss?
00:03:58.719 --> 00:04:00.159
Or what about confusion?
00:04:00.400 --> 00:04:03.360
How do I make sense of all of this?
00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:12.800
These emotions can feel overwhelming, especially when others don't recognize or validate our pain.
00:04:13.120 --> 00:04:19.920
Ambiguous loss is often disenfranchised, unseen, and unsupported.
00:04:21.839 --> 00:04:27.759
Let's pause for some real life story scenarios.
00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:29.279
Dementia.
00:04:29.439 --> 00:04:38.560
So imagine a spouse watching their parents slowly fade, memories slipping away, conversations growing shorter.
00:04:38.879 --> 00:04:43.519
The person is physically present, but the relationship has changed.
00:04:44.399 --> 00:04:47.360
My mom personally has dementia.
00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:52.480
And when she's stable and things are going good, she's doing good.
00:04:52.639 --> 00:04:57.519
And she's we're able to talk as if most things are normal.
00:04:57.759 --> 00:05:28.399
And if things are just a bit unstable, um things have a have have a wild way of shifting very quickly to where all of a sudden it's as if we were 35 years in the past and she's reacting as if it's today, or or if she's not sure if I'm me, or if I'm her mother who is deceased.
00:05:29.279 --> 00:05:39.199
Uh so it's just so grieving that it's it can be a very, very complicated, confusing type of ambiguous grief.
00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:42.160
Ambiguous loss.
00:05:42.480 --> 00:05:44.639
Another one is missing persons.
00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:52.480
A parent waits for news, every phone call, a possibility, every day a mix of hope and despair.
00:05:52.720 --> 00:05:54.000
What about a strangement?
00:05:54.240 --> 00:05:56.720
So a child no longer speaks to their parent.
00:05:56.879 --> 00:06:01.199
The absence is not death, but it's still a very big loss.
00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:03.759
Migration is another one.
00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:08.319
So someone leaves their homeland, their family, and culture behind.
00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:12.560
The loss is both physical and psychological.
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:20.800
These stories show how ambiguous loss can shape lives, relationships, and identity.
00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:29.600
Clinically speaking, ambiguous loss may lead to several different things that we're going to talk about.
00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:31.839
Number one is chronic grief.
00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:34.079
Loss doesn't resolve.
00:06:34.399 --> 00:06:36.879
So grief persists.
00:06:37.439 --> 00:06:44.480
Anxiety and depression, the uncertainty is stressful, sometimes very, very overwhelming.
00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:46.800
Difficulty with decision making.
00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:51.600
Without closure, it can be very difficult to move forward.
00:06:52.160 --> 00:07:00.240
Family conflict, different members may cope in different ways, leading to misunderstanding and tension.
00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:06.720
Recognizing ambiguous loss is the first step in supporting those affected.
00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:12.160
Our brains crave closure.
00:07:13.519 --> 00:07:19.279
Ambiguous loss leaves us in limbo, unable to process and integrate the loss.
00:07:19.519 --> 00:07:21.040
So what's the result?
00:07:21.519 --> 00:07:24.480
Well, persistent rumination.
00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:30.319
So we replay scenarios, we search for answers, we hope for resolution.
00:07:31.279 --> 00:07:33.759
And there's emotional exhaustion.
00:07:34.319 --> 00:07:41.040
The uncertainty drains us physically and emotionally, and difficulty trusting.
00:07:41.199 --> 00:07:48.720
If loss is unclear, we may struggle to trust ourselves, to trust others, to trust the world.
00:07:50.079 --> 00:07:57.279
Understanding this can help us be a bit more gentler with ourselves.
00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:05.360
Holding space for ambiguous loss means listening without judgment.
00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:10.959
So allowing ourselves and others to name that loss even if it's unclear.
00:08:11.839 --> 00:08:13.360
Validating feelings.
00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:18.399
It's normal to feel angry and sad and confused or hopeful.
00:08:19.120 --> 00:08:22.480
And sometimes all of these in the same minute.
00:08:23.040 --> 00:08:24.959
Accepting ambiguity.
00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:27.759
Closure may never come.
00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:31.600
And that's okay.
00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:35.039
Doesn't make it easy.
00:08:35.440 --> 00:08:40.159
It's okay, and it's okay to recognize that.
00:08:41.120 --> 00:08:43.120
Practicing compassion.
00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:48.480
We are doing the best we can with what we have.
00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:56.000
Here are a couple tools for navigating ambiguous loss.
00:08:56.159 --> 00:08:58.000
Number one is mindfulness.
00:08:58.399 --> 00:09:02.960
Practice being present with the uncertainty.
00:09:03.360 --> 00:09:08.960
Just being present, being aware, being mindful of what's going on.
00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:10.399
Journaling.
00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:12.399
So write about your loss.
00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:18.080
Write about your hopes, your fears, your angers, your disappointments.
00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:20.799
Another one is rituals.
00:09:20.879 --> 00:09:23.440
So create new ways to honor that loss.
00:09:23.679 --> 00:09:32.240
Some people light a candle, some like to create art, others will hold a ceremony.
00:09:34.559 --> 00:09:37.600
Another one is therapy and support groups.
00:09:37.919 --> 00:09:46.399
Seek spaces where ambiguous loss is understood and validated and not judged and criticized.
00:09:48.879 --> 00:09:53.120
And honestly, probably most importantly, self-compassion.
00:09:53.440 --> 00:09:59.840
Remind yourself that grief is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of love.
00:10:03.919 --> 00:10:06.879
I want to try a guided reflection.
00:10:07.840 --> 00:10:11.120
Wherever you're at, find a comfortable seat.
00:10:12.240 --> 00:10:14.639
Close your eyes if you wish.
00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:20.080
Think about that ambiguous loss in your life.
00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:26.000
Notice the emotions that come up for you.
00:10:29.279 --> 00:10:32.799
Ask yourself, what do I need right now?
00:10:34.240 --> 00:10:38.960
What would help me feel seen and supported?
00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:54.480
Imagine holding your loss gently, without judgment, breathing in compassion, and breathing out self-criticism.
00:10:57.679 --> 00:11:01.039
And you can return to this practice whenever you need.
00:11:01.360 --> 00:11:04.240
Just take a couple minutes out of your day.
00:11:05.519 --> 00:11:08.080
Just be mindful of what's going on.
00:11:11.919 --> 00:11:20.320
I invite you to share your story with a friend, coworker, family member.
00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:24.480
What ambiguous loss have you experienced?
00:11:24.960 --> 00:11:28.399
How did it shape your life and relationships?
00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:35.039
What support did you find or wish you had found?
00:11:36.399 --> 00:11:39.519
Your stories help others feel less alone.
00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:49.919
If you're struggling right now, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist that's trained in grief and trauma.
00:11:52.240 --> 00:11:57.200
Explore books like, for example, Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss.
00:11:57.360 --> 00:12:06.559
Find online support groups for families affected by dementia or mercy missing persons or estrangement, whatever your situation may be.
00:12:07.440 --> 00:12:11.759
And remember you are not alone.
00:12:14.240 --> 00:12:20.320
Ambiguous loss is like climbing a mountain without a clear path.
00:12:21.840 --> 00:12:26.879
There are moments of hope and despair and uncertainty.
00:12:27.759 --> 00:12:32.159
There's also strength, there's resilience and community.
00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:41.440
As we close, I invite you to hold space for ambiguity in your life.
00:12:42.639 --> 00:12:53.919
Let yourself feel, let yourself grieve, let yourself heal one step at a time.
00:12:57.840 --> 00:13:02.559
Thank you for joining me today and holding space on the mountain.
00:13:06.320 --> 00:13:27.120
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who you might think will also need some time to sit and pause and reflect on some of the ambiguous loss in their life.
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I hope this episode has left you feeling a little less alone and a little more understood.
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Until next time, this is Holding Space on the Mountain, and I'm your host, Amber Surstead.
