What Really Matters When Raising Boys: Consent, Peer Pressure & Doing the Right Thing

WEBVTT
1
00:00:00.460 --> 00:00:02.700
This episode is dropping in your feed on an off day,
2
00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400
but not because it's bonus content or a nice to have.
3
00:00:06.040 --> 00:00:08.480
It's because I think it's so important. And honestly, I
4
00:00:08.519 --> 00:00:10.539
wanted every parent to hear it. I want to talk
5
00:00:10.740 --> 00:00:13.720
about boys and consent. But what you're going to hear
6
00:00:13.740 --> 00:00:16.920
is probably from a slightly different perspective than how I
7
00:00:16.940 --> 00:00:19.100
often hear the conversation go. And I want to start
8
00:00:19.120 --> 00:00:21.219
with something I think we get wrong when we talk
9
00:00:21.239 --> 00:00:23.100
to boys about consent. And it's going to sound a
10
00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:25.539
little weird at first, but stay with me because I
11
00:00:25.559 --> 00:00:27.480
think it might completely change what you start to pay
12
00:00:27.519 --> 00:00:30.579
attention to in everyday moments with your son. We tend
13
00:00:30.600 --> 00:00:34.600
to focus only on knowledge. A lot of us, me too,
14
00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:39.020
we've had conversations like this with our boys. Should you
15
00:00:39.060 --> 00:00:43.179
respect someone's no? Uh, yeah, mom. Hey, if someone changes
16
00:00:43.229 --> 00:00:48.409
their mind, would you stop? Dad, obviously, yes. What would
17
00:00:48.429 --> 00:00:50.630
you do if your friends were doing something wrong or
18
00:00:50.670 --> 00:00:54.350
being disrespectful? I would speak up. Okay, let me be clear.
19
00:00:54.469 --> 00:00:57.710
This is good. Our boys know the right answers and-
20
00:00:58.229 --> 00:01:02.829
Knowledge matters. Knowledge is a very important first step. But
21
00:01:02.869 --> 00:01:07.390
hear me out. Knowing the right answer and being able
22
00:01:07.469 --> 00:01:11.510
to access what you know in an emotionally charged moment
23
00:01:12.230 --> 00:01:15.230
are two very different things. And let's be honest, we
24
00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:19.140
know this from our own lives. You and I. Should
25
00:01:19.159 --> 00:01:21.480
we yell at our kids? No, you could ask me
26
00:01:21.519 --> 00:01:23.780
all the questions and I would have the right answers.
27
00:01:24.780 --> 00:01:27.909
But we both still do sometimes. None of us have
28
00:01:27.930 --> 00:01:30.450
a knowledge problem. And I think we have to take
29
00:01:30.489 --> 00:01:33.950
that idea so much more seriously with our boys because
30
00:01:33.989 --> 00:01:36.329
by the time a boy is in a high stakes
31
00:01:36.450 --> 00:01:40.849
moment involving consent, he is not walking into that moment
32
00:01:40.930 --> 00:01:44.969
with knowledge alone. He's walking in with years of emotional
33
00:01:45.030 --> 00:01:48.530
patterns and circuitry that have been practiced over and over again.
34
00:01:49.370 --> 00:01:52.590
He'll bring those into the moment. What has that boy
35
00:01:52.870 --> 00:01:57.109
already learned about how disappointment works? Not from a textbook,
36
00:01:57.939 --> 00:02:01.980
but from his experiences. Has he learned that disappointment is
37
00:02:02.040 --> 00:02:06.370
a feeling he can tolerate and is expected to tolerate?
38
00:02:06.909 --> 00:02:10.289
Or has he learned that his disappointment is someone else's
39
00:02:10.349 --> 00:02:14.729
responsibility to take away? How practiced is that boy at
40
00:02:14.830 --> 00:02:19.189
noticing what another person's cues are, their face, their body,
41
00:02:19.629 --> 00:02:23.939
the moment something shifts? And where has this boy been encouraged,
42
00:02:24.340 --> 00:02:27.199
even subtly, to look when he's not sure what's right?
43
00:02:28.270 --> 00:02:31.919
at what everyone else is doing, or at what he
44
00:02:32.120 --> 00:02:36.860
is noticing inside himself. Because all of that comes to
45
00:02:36.879 --> 00:02:40.180
the party with him. All of that loads onto that moment.
46
00:02:41.039 --> 00:02:43.759
And this is why I wanted to release this conversation
47
00:02:43.780 --> 00:02:47.530
more widely. Because I think we're missing a key part
48
00:02:48.289 --> 00:02:51.710
of the conversation about raising voice. What I'm sharing is
49
00:02:51.750 --> 00:02:54.490
an abbreviated, edited version of a live event I did
50
00:02:54.590 --> 00:02:57.819
inside the Good Inside community. after so many parents there
51
00:02:57.879 --> 00:03:00.990
wanted to go much deeper than an Instagram post about
52
00:03:01.090 --> 00:03:04.909
the sexual assault allegations at Cornell in terms of, well,
53
00:03:04.969 --> 00:03:10.030
what does it mean for raising my boy who's young today? Now,
54
00:03:10.430 --> 00:03:12.949
I want to be really clear. I do not believe
55
00:03:13.009 --> 00:03:17.770
that parenting causes or prevents any of these outcomes. I
56
00:03:17.849 --> 00:03:23.099
believe that childhood is one place human beings repeatedly practice
57
00:03:23.139 --> 00:03:26.150
the emotional skills they will later need in much higher
58
00:03:26.189 --> 00:03:29.389
stakes moments. And so what I'm about to share, it
59
00:03:30.310 --> 00:03:35.250
lives somewhere in between powerlessness and a guarantee. It is
60
00:03:35.409 --> 00:03:40.849
not everything. And it isn't nothing. Now, one thing you
61
00:03:40.889 --> 00:03:42.840
won't experience as you listen, and I need to name
62
00:03:42.879 --> 00:03:44.900
it because it was such a huge part of the event,
63
00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:47.620
was what happened in the chat. And chat kind of
64
00:03:47.699 --> 00:03:50.479
undersells what it was. It was so powerful to hear
65
00:03:50.599 --> 00:03:53.360
other people's stories in a space that felt safe and
66
00:03:53.400 --> 00:03:56.770
to do what humans do best. listen, understand, and make
67
00:03:57.090 --> 00:04:00.030
meaning together on a topic that both brings up so
68
00:04:00.069 --> 00:04:03.289
many fears for our kids right along so many of
69
00:04:03.389 --> 00:04:07.120
our own painful memories and experiences from our own past.
70
00:04:08.460 --> 00:04:10.879
Fair warning in case this isn't for you or if
71
00:04:10.900 --> 00:04:13.139
you just want to moderate who's around while you listen.
72
00:04:14.060 --> 00:04:17.930
There's some cursing by me. I was fired up about
73
00:04:17.939 --> 00:04:20.389
this topic. I still am. You can probably hear it
74
00:04:20.410 --> 00:04:23.290
in my voice and apparently that gets reflected in some
75
00:04:23.310 --> 00:04:27.089
of my vocabulary choices. Finally, I want to share this
76
00:04:27.129 --> 00:04:29.620
from a true place of my own fear and vulnerability,
77
00:04:29.800 --> 00:04:32.360
but I debated putting this out there because I worry
78
00:04:32.379 --> 00:04:35.240
that what I'm about to share could be interpreted through
79
00:04:35.319 --> 00:04:38.540
a one thing is true lens. Wait, so you're talking
80
00:04:38.560 --> 00:04:41.139
about all the factors that led to this horrific behavior?
81
00:04:41.170 --> 00:04:44.009
Are you saying it's not that person's fault? I'm not
82
00:04:44.069 --> 00:04:47.930
saying that. I believe people are fully accountable for their behavior,
83
00:04:48.689 --> 00:04:52.269
and I believe that we have to be deeply curious
84
00:04:52.769 --> 00:04:55.149
about all the different factors that tend to lead to
85
00:04:55.189 --> 00:04:58.410
that type behavior. I'm holding those two things as true
86
00:04:58.449 --> 00:05:02.800
at the same time. Full accountability, full curiosity. I don't
87
00:05:02.839 --> 00:05:05.699
know how else we could ever help people change or
88
00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:09.459
help other people get to a different outcome. All right,
89
00:05:10.019 --> 00:05:21.509
let's get into it. Okay, three things... I want to
90
00:05:21.589 --> 00:05:26.189
acknowledge before there are three big themes I want to
91
00:05:26.230 --> 00:05:32.149
talk to you about. Okay, number one, reading, seeing a
92
00:05:32.990 --> 00:05:36.310
story like what's happening at Cornell, the sexual assault allegations,
93
00:05:37.209 --> 00:05:38.529
I just want to name it does not just make
94
00:05:38.569 --> 00:05:41.689
us think about raising our kids. I think it brings
95
00:05:41.740 --> 00:05:45.019
a lot of us right back to experiences we've had
96
00:05:45.060 --> 00:05:47.810
in our own lives. I always think the body I
97
00:05:47.850 --> 00:05:50.430
have today is the same body I was born with, right?
98
00:05:50.449 --> 00:05:53.029
You too. Which just means it's the collector. It's the
99
00:05:53.089 --> 00:05:56.009
holder of every single experience. And we don't get to
100
00:05:56.060 --> 00:05:59.259
pick and choose which ones like stay closed. And when
101
00:05:59.319 --> 00:06:03.399
something evokes emotion in the news, it evokes an emotion
102
00:06:03.420 --> 00:06:05.279
in our body where a story has been held. Or
103
00:06:05.300 --> 00:06:07.160
maybe we don't have a story. It's just like a
104
00:06:07.220 --> 00:06:11.060
collection of disparate memories. And whether we want to or not,
105
00:06:11.620 --> 00:06:15.490
it all comes up. And so that's probably going on.
106
00:06:16.269 --> 00:06:19.529
for a lot of us. I don't have, I don't
107
00:06:19.550 --> 00:06:24.430
have a quick or slow solution to that. I just
108
00:06:24.449 --> 00:06:27.959
want to name it. I also think this can make
109
00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:29.879
us look back on something where we didn't understand it
110
00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:33.560
and think, wait, like, did I want that? Did I
111
00:06:33.639 --> 00:06:36.300
ever want that? Did I tell myself a story because
112
00:06:36.319 --> 00:06:38.199
I'm used to trying to come back to the center
113
00:06:38.300 --> 00:06:40.339
and maybe now that didn't feel good at all and
114
00:06:40.500 --> 00:06:47.600
that's normal too. Okay. Two. We are not parenting in
115
00:06:47.620 --> 00:06:50.800
a vacuum. I am very aware of my passion for
116
00:06:50.839 --> 00:06:54.610
psychology and the limitations of psychology. I'm a big fan
117
00:06:54.620 --> 00:06:56.709
of two things are true, right? Not choosing a side
118
00:06:56.750 --> 00:06:58.829
in a way. Our boys are growing up in a
119
00:06:58.870 --> 00:07:02.350
much bigger culture. They are taking in messages from social media,
120
00:07:02.389 --> 00:07:06.709
from pornography, from friends, from sports culture, fraternity culture, text culture,
121
00:07:07.089 --> 00:07:09.889
the way people talk about girls and women, the way
122
00:07:10.230 --> 00:07:13.250
groups talk to each other when adults aren't around. And
123
00:07:14.079 --> 00:07:18.160
They're constantly learn what gets laughed at. What? Oh, I
124
00:07:18.180 --> 00:07:21.180
guess people say that it's not a big deal. What
125
00:07:21.199 --> 00:07:25.250
gets rewarded? What gets excused? What gets normalized? What power
126
00:07:25.290 --> 00:07:29.870
looks like? What masculinity looks like? What it means to belong?
127
00:07:31.350 --> 00:07:32.329
You know, I think a lot about how a boy
128
00:07:32.350 --> 00:07:34.600
gets angry during the game and he's competitive and has
129
00:07:34.639 --> 00:07:36.860
fire and a girl gets angry and she's dramatic and
130
00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:40.250
making a big deal out of nothing. A friend does
131
00:07:40.310 --> 00:07:44.389
something you know is wrong and you're caught between like, quote,
132
00:07:44.410 --> 00:07:47.319
doing the right thing and loyalty. And is loyalty keeping
133
00:07:47.379 --> 00:07:49.759
our mouth shut? And how did I absorb that? Because
134
00:07:49.779 --> 00:07:51.860
I don't feel like my parents teach me that, but
135
00:07:51.879 --> 00:07:55.439
it's happening around me, right? None of these moments on
136
00:07:55.459 --> 00:07:58.040
their own seem like a big deal. But our boys
137
00:07:58.180 --> 00:08:02.500
are absorbing very, very loud cultural messages outside of our home.
138
00:08:02.920 --> 00:08:06.930
And again, I just need to name that for all
139
00:08:06.939 --> 00:08:09.569
of us. I think we're all aware. And oddly enough,
140
00:08:09.589 --> 00:08:12.790
that brings me to point three, okay? Which is in
141
00:08:12.829 --> 00:08:15.209
some ways why parenting matters more than ever. And I
142
00:08:15.209 --> 00:08:16.870
want to be clear about this because I think I
143
00:08:16.930 --> 00:08:19.850
say that and people will say, so what I do
144
00:08:19.870 --> 00:08:23.259
at home will overpower the culture around my son? No.
145
00:08:25.769 --> 00:08:29.339
But I just think it's the wrong question. I think
146
00:08:29.360 --> 00:08:33.539
the better question is, can I establish patterns in my
147
00:08:33.600 --> 00:08:37.159
home knowing they have an inordinately large impact on my son?
148
00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:46.000
So what feels familiar to my son based on those
149
00:08:46.059 --> 00:08:51.870
patterns later when he encounters something that will feel at
150
00:08:52.330 --> 00:08:57.009
odds with everything he's learned in our home until that point.
151
00:08:59.210 --> 00:09:05.120
It's not overpowering culture. It's having what's called dissonance. What's dissonance?
152
00:09:05.179 --> 00:09:09.740
It's nothing but that fancy. I think dissonance, okay, is
153
00:09:09.779 --> 00:09:14.259
our ability to say, huh? What? I don't know about that.
154
00:09:15.259 --> 00:09:18.320
That doesn't really have a magnet in my body to
155
00:09:18.379 --> 00:09:21.470
attach to. Now, do I think that's the answer? That
156
00:09:21.500 --> 00:09:24.129
your kid has that experience and then everything's good in
157
00:09:24.149 --> 00:09:28.730
the world? I don't know. I'm a realist, okay? But
158
00:09:29.090 --> 00:09:32.509
I do know that childhood establishes what's familiar and normal
159
00:09:32.690 --> 00:09:35.299
in the body. And if my son learns that I
160
00:09:35.340 --> 00:09:39.519
can be disappointed and nobody has to fix that feeling
161
00:09:39.580 --> 00:09:43.179
for me. If my son learns, I've learned how to
162
00:09:43.580 --> 00:09:47.639
notice other people before they put words to their experience.
163
00:09:49.110 --> 00:09:51.649
I learned to trust an internal voice and not just
164
00:09:51.710 --> 00:09:54.990
pay attention to what's happening in the group. Those things
165
00:09:55.070 --> 00:09:59.330
feel familiar. They feel like home. And then later when
166
00:09:59.370 --> 00:10:03.440
he's around some dehumanizing disgusting something everyone's going along with
167
00:10:03.500 --> 00:10:06.779
and normalizing he's gonna have a sense of i don't
168
00:10:06.840 --> 00:10:10.610
know there's gonna be dissonance now again what does that
169
00:10:10.669 --> 00:10:15.350
promise us nothing i'm not there's not a one-to-one But
170
00:10:15.450 --> 00:10:19.289
I know that matters, not because parenting has overpowered culture,
171
00:10:19.629 --> 00:10:23.690
because what that kid is encountering doesn't match what he's
172
00:10:23.730 --> 00:10:27.990
practiced and seen and experienced over and over again. All right.
173
00:10:31.090 --> 00:10:34.570
Let's jump in. My overall thesis that I've been thinking
174
00:10:34.610 --> 00:10:36.860
a lot about, okay, not thesis, that sounds too clean,
175
00:10:37.460 --> 00:10:39.480
but is that I think we spend too much time
176
00:10:40.200 --> 00:10:43.320
making sure our boys know the right answer And not
177
00:10:43.379 --> 00:10:47.090
enough time helping them build the emotional skills to act
178
00:10:47.179 --> 00:10:52.250
on that knowledge when it costs them something. Should you
179
00:10:52.309 --> 00:10:56.289
respect someone's no? Yes. Do you think you should speak
180
00:10:56.389 --> 00:11:00.549
up when something bad is happening? Yes, mom. Yes, dad.
181
00:11:02.769 --> 00:11:06.940
Our kids aced that test. But now add in rejection,
182
00:11:07.080 --> 00:11:11.139
which might happen. Add wanting to belong. Add if I
183
00:11:11.200 --> 00:11:12.759
say something, my friends are going to turn on me.
184
00:11:14.009 --> 00:11:16.870
If our kids don't have the emotional skills and the
185
00:11:16.990 --> 00:11:22.070
practice to manage those moments, knowing the right answer won't
186
00:11:22.169 --> 00:11:26.110
necessarily translate to doing the right thing. And you and
187
00:11:26.190 --> 00:11:29.269
I know this. I have a question for you. Should
188
00:11:29.309 --> 00:11:32.629
you yell at your kids? No, Becky, are you going
189
00:11:32.649 --> 00:11:36.279
to yell at your kids tonight? No. Well, what if
190
00:11:36.299 --> 00:11:38.340
I'm overwhelmed? What if I haven't been taking care of myself?
191
00:11:38.399 --> 00:11:40.519
What if it's the exact moment that triggers me? I
192
00:11:40.659 --> 00:11:45.490
know the right thing. If I don't have the emotional skills,
193
00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:49.330
knowing the right thing doesn't translate. It's a precursor. I
194
00:11:49.389 --> 00:11:51.289
have to know the right thing to do the right thing.
195
00:11:51.330 --> 00:11:53.649
But what's in between our emotional skills in the moment?
196
00:11:56.370 --> 00:12:00.090
So let's talk about three patterns that really matter when
197
00:12:00.129 --> 00:12:03.970
our kids are young. That matter to establish in lower
198
00:12:04.029 --> 00:12:10.789
stakes moments now that build the emotional skills boys will
199
00:12:10.809 --> 00:12:13.940
need when the stakes are higher. I want to make
200
00:12:13.960 --> 00:12:16.740
sure before we go in, I'm talking about patterns, okay?
201
00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:20.220
I'm not talking about, a pattern isn't anything 100%, right?
202
00:12:21.080 --> 00:12:24.080
So everything I talk about, please don't take in through, okay,
203
00:12:24.340 --> 00:12:28.240
if I don't do that one time, my kid isn't, no, no, no, no. Patterns,
204
00:12:28.240 --> 00:12:29.919
80% of the time, something we're going to do from
205
00:12:29.950 --> 00:12:32.370
this point forward more often than we did, that's the
206
00:12:32.409 --> 00:12:37.169
best it gets. Okay, number one, we must help our
207
00:12:37.210 --> 00:12:44.039
kids handle not getting what they want. Our sons must
208
00:12:44.139 --> 00:12:51.539
learn to hear no and learn to tolerate their own distress. Translation,
209
00:12:52.080 --> 00:12:54.779
set boundaries, real ones, and let your kid be upset.
210
00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:58.120
I'll say it again. That's the simplest version. Set boundaries,
211
00:12:58.379 --> 00:13:01.230
real ones, let your kid be upset. So let's jump
212
00:13:01.250 --> 00:13:03.409
into this. You have to say no to your kid,
213
00:13:03.769 --> 00:13:05.429
and then you have to let your kid be upset
214
00:13:05.789 --> 00:13:10.259
about your no. There is no better practice for the
215
00:13:10.299 --> 00:13:13.039
type of situations we want our boys to be emotionally
216
00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:16.389
prepared for than every time we say no to seemingly
217
00:13:16.909 --> 00:13:21.889
unrelated things to those consent situations later. It's the same skill.
218
00:13:22.750 --> 00:13:25.230
Every time your kid really wants something and you say no,
219
00:13:25.470 --> 00:13:29.350
now to be clear, not randomly. So say no, that
220
00:13:29.370 --> 00:13:32.230
doesn't work. But because you actually believe it's the best
221
00:13:32.269 --> 00:13:35.649
thing for your kid long-term. Your kid is not just
222
00:13:35.889 --> 00:13:41.970
processing that moment. Invisibly underneath, your kid is forming rules
223
00:13:42.409 --> 00:13:48.789
about how relationships work. So maybe I'm saying no to
224
00:13:48.850 --> 00:13:51.250
ice cream, screen time, a play date for some reason,
225
00:13:51.269 --> 00:13:53.169
whatever it is. That's not what our kid takes in.
226
00:13:53.210 --> 00:13:55.720
This is what your kid takes in. What happens when
227
00:13:55.750 --> 00:13:58.379
I want something and another person doesn't give it to me?
228
00:13:59.679 --> 00:14:02.820
What happens? Think about the implications. When I want something,
229
00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:08.100
someone else doesn't give it to me. The patterns that
230
00:14:08.139 --> 00:14:11.440
we have in childhood will help your son answer the
231
00:14:11.460 --> 00:14:14.129
question in one of two ways. Ready? One pattern. Wow,
232
00:14:14.210 --> 00:14:17.490
disappointment stinks. It really stinks. I really don't like this feeling.
233
00:14:17.509 --> 00:14:21.149
And I'm seeing over time, I don't really start liking it,
234
00:14:21.990 --> 00:14:25.000
but I am able to handle it. You know what
235
00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:30.360
else I'm realizing? It's not your fault that I feel disappointed.
236
00:14:31.159 --> 00:14:33.899
And it's not your job to make this feeling in
237
00:14:33.940 --> 00:14:41.299
me go away. and our relationship can still be okay.
238
00:14:43.299 --> 00:14:46.480
Or they learn a very different lesson. When I'm disappointed,
239
00:14:46.519 --> 00:14:49.259
something has gone wrong between us, and your job, your
240
00:14:49.279 --> 00:14:51.779
job is to fix this. Your job is to change
241
00:14:51.799 --> 00:14:55.210
your mind so I can feel better. And if you don't, oh,
242
00:14:55.950 --> 00:14:57.570
my disappointment is your fault. You did it to me.
243
00:14:57.990 --> 00:15:01.590
You did this feeling to me, and you could take
244
00:15:01.629 --> 00:15:05.519
it away, but you won't. And Empathy, these people talk about.
245
00:15:06.080 --> 00:15:07.919
What empathy? I'm not going to have empathy for you.
246
00:15:08.240 --> 00:15:15.120
You are the aggressor. You did this to me. That
247
00:15:15.230 --> 00:15:20.850
sounds extreme. It's not. If we consistently think it's our
248
00:15:20.909 --> 00:15:23.990
job to take away our kids' disappointment, to bring them
249
00:15:24.009 --> 00:15:27.450
into happy, they're learning a much bigger lesson than being
250
00:15:27.490 --> 00:15:30.480
taken out to ice cream every time. And those two
251
00:15:30.539 --> 00:15:33.179
lessons are a blueprint our kids take into the relationships
252
00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:37.899
they have outside our homes. Very practical examples. Little kids.
253
00:15:38.740 --> 00:15:41.700
One more show. One more book. Leaving the playground. Whatever
254
00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:44.299
you're saying that you know helps your family run is
255
00:15:44.320 --> 00:15:46.539
the right thing. Your kid's not going to applaud you.
256
00:15:46.990 --> 00:15:50.730
They're not going to say, good idea. When they're really upset,
257
00:15:51.429 --> 00:15:53.629
after you say one show and then you turn it off,
258
00:15:54.110 --> 00:15:56.429
We're leaving the playground in five minutes, sweetie. And if
259
00:15:56.470 --> 00:15:57.789
it's too hard for you to leave, I will pick
260
00:15:57.809 --> 00:15:59.379
you up and carry you to the car. Yes, this
261
00:15:59.389 --> 00:16:02.559
stuff happens that young, too. You really wanted another show.
262
00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:06.879
I know. We're done. TV is off. Remote's already in
263
00:16:06.899 --> 00:16:09.679
your hand. And then you stop talking. That's the intervention.
264
00:16:10.919 --> 00:16:12.720
I know you wanted another book. You can give me
265
00:16:12.740 --> 00:16:14.179
the book you wanted, and I'm going to take it
266
00:16:14.259 --> 00:16:16.220
out so I remember it tomorrow, but I'm not reading
267
00:16:16.259 --> 00:16:21.899
any more tonight, sweetie. Stop talking. Older kids. Maybe your
268
00:16:21.919 --> 00:16:24.210
kid's wanting to go somewhere and they're not really being
269
00:16:24.269 --> 00:16:26.210
clear on like, what car are you getting him to
270
00:16:26.230 --> 00:16:28.549
go 45 minutes away? And you kind of hear like,
271
00:16:28.570 --> 00:16:31.929
I don't even know or trust that person. Everyone else's
272
00:16:31.970 --> 00:16:35.230
parents let them. Maybe they do, right? I believe you.
273
00:16:35.990 --> 00:16:38.480
And I'm still saying no. I know you wish my
274
00:16:38.519 --> 00:16:42.379
answer was different. The decision's already been made. My favorite
275
00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:48.860
line recently. This decision's already been made. And I stopped talking.
276
00:16:50.159 --> 00:16:52.600
And I know what you're thinking, okay? Okay. But then
277
00:16:52.659 --> 00:16:59.919
my kid is upset. I have like this kind of shift, okay? No.
278
00:17:01.840 --> 00:17:05.309
And then your kid is upset. I know that seems semantics.
279
00:17:05.369 --> 00:17:09.710
It's not. Not but then. And then your kid is upset. Yeah,
280
00:17:09.750 --> 00:17:13.819
like people feel when someone stops them from getting what
281
00:17:13.839 --> 00:17:16.849
they want. This is literally the situation you and I
282
00:17:16.910 --> 00:17:20.430
are dreaming for. If only I had opportunities to help
283
00:17:20.470 --> 00:17:22.269
my kids see they're not always going to get what
284
00:17:22.309 --> 00:17:26.150
they want. That other people, and especially their moms who
285
00:17:26.170 --> 00:17:30.069
are an example of women to them, don't always think
286
00:17:30.130 --> 00:17:32.980
it's their job to relieve your disappointment. This is a
287
00:17:33.079 --> 00:17:38.579
dream scenario for me. I mean, not like dream scenario enjoyable.
288
00:17:38.839 --> 00:17:43.539
It's 0% enjoyable, okay? But dream scenario, if I really
289
00:17:43.599 --> 00:17:48.109
want to be on this project of raising good kids.
290
00:17:49.690 --> 00:17:55.579
We're practicing now. And the thing I think that is
291
00:17:55.660 --> 00:17:57.339
so important to know, and I realize I need to
292
00:17:57.380 --> 00:18:01.779
say more often, this takes years to, but my kid
293
00:18:01.799 --> 00:18:04.480
has a huge reaction, Dr. Becky, but my kid, and
294
00:18:04.500 --> 00:18:06.299
then we have, we have all these labels and they
295
00:18:06.359 --> 00:18:08.789
all matter. They all matter. They're all real, whatever the
296
00:18:08.809 --> 00:18:11.950
label is. But then it's almost like we use the
297
00:18:11.970 --> 00:18:14.509
label not to understand them, but to like stop doing
298
00:18:14.529 --> 00:18:16.789
the thing all kids need. Nobody is supposed to always
299
00:18:16.809 --> 00:18:19.390
get what they want. The kids who have the biggest reactions,
300
00:18:19.910 --> 00:18:23.170
even more proof this is such a worthy project. That's
301
00:18:23.339 --> 00:18:27.160
terrifying in 10 years. That's the kid I better really
302
00:18:27.200 --> 00:18:30.839
work on my boundaries with. Oh my goodness. Not to
303
00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:34.799
become a dictator, no. But to actually do this out
304
00:18:34.839 --> 00:18:40.829
of love for my son. So it takes a really
305
00:18:40.869 --> 00:18:46.950
long time. Thousands of experiences. And I think that thought, well,
306
00:18:46.990 --> 00:18:50.410
it's not working. He's still furious. Your goal isn't that
307
00:18:50.430 --> 00:18:52.990
your kid stops being furious. The goal is over thousands
308
00:18:53.029 --> 00:18:56.390
of experiences. Something starts to change in what he does
309
00:18:56.549 --> 00:18:59.450
with the fury. That's all. Fury's still there. What he
310
00:18:59.589 --> 00:19:03.559
does with it changes thousands of experiences. So say this
311
00:19:03.599 --> 00:19:07.700
with me. The boundary is my job. The disappointment is his. Now,
312
00:19:07.720 --> 00:19:10.640
that doesn't mean I don't care. Stop making a big deal. No,
313
00:19:10.740 --> 00:19:14.299
I care. It's just not mine. Isn't that literally the
314
00:19:14.319 --> 00:19:17.380
whole thing we want boys to realize? Women don't own
315
00:19:17.400 --> 00:19:24.009
your disappointment. That's your disappointment. That literally lives in your body.
316
00:19:26.049 --> 00:19:29.990
Women aren't the caretakers and the problem solvers of your disappointment.
317
00:19:31.890 --> 00:19:37.289
It's toxic. Okay. Okay. Here's something really important. What about
318
00:19:37.309 --> 00:19:40.119
when the disappointment turns to blame? And again, you can
319
00:19:40.150 --> 00:19:44.059
write me true if you're like this happens. Somehow, and
320
00:19:44.099 --> 00:19:49.930
I think this pattern is really important, okay? There's this pattern.
321
00:19:50.019 --> 00:19:54.720
where my son gets disappointed and it's like someone else's fault.
322
00:19:55.259 --> 00:19:58.759
It's not just like protest, fault. Like, you did this
323
00:19:58.799 --> 00:20:03.369
to me. You ruined my day. If you actually cared
324
00:20:03.400 --> 00:20:06.710
about me, you'd let me watch another show. Just hear
325
00:20:06.750 --> 00:20:11.059
that through our new lens. If you actually cared about me,
326
00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:15.839
you'd blank. There are kids who say that. There's personality.
327
00:20:15.859 --> 00:20:17.680
I'm going to be honest. These are the kids. Oh
328
00:20:17.740 --> 00:20:20.609
my goodness, we've got to commit to this project. We
329
00:20:20.680 --> 00:20:24.710
have to commit to this project. We have to take
330
00:20:24.750 --> 00:20:26.829
this seriously and not say, and I mean this, you're here.
331
00:20:27.049 --> 00:20:30.329
This is not a one-time thing for you. Because underneath
332
00:20:30.369 --> 00:20:34.309
those sentences, a belief is starting to take shape. My
333
00:20:34.470 --> 00:20:38.279
feeling is your problem. You caused it, so you have
334
00:20:38.319 --> 00:20:41.720
to fix it. This looks almost harmless in a five-year-old.
335
00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:47.119
It is not harmless in a 20-year-old. No way. Disappointment
336
00:20:47.220 --> 00:20:50.220
is inevitable. The question isn't whether our kids will feel disappointed.
337
00:20:50.579 --> 00:20:53.000
It's whether they learn to experience disappointment as their own
338
00:20:53.039 --> 00:20:55.720
feeling that eventually they see they can manage or as
339
00:20:55.859 --> 00:21:00.119
evidence someone has wronged them and now owes them relief.
340
00:21:02.039 --> 00:21:05.170
So what do we do? We don't say, stop blaming
341
00:21:05.190 --> 00:21:07.829
me to our five-year-old. We don't shame them for being entitled.
342
00:21:09.450 --> 00:21:11.460
We're going to really, really try hard not to give
343
00:21:11.519 --> 00:21:15.140
in until the feeling disappears because that's the perpetuation. We
344
00:21:15.180 --> 00:21:18.740
hold the boundary with fewer words than we think. Maybe
345
00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:21.420
put little words to what's happening underneath. I'm going to
346
00:21:21.440 --> 00:21:25.940
model this. You ruined my whole night. You ruined my
347
00:21:25.980 --> 00:21:27.170
whole night. You know what I'm going to say back?
348
00:21:27.180 --> 00:21:31.230
You wish I say yes. You're disappointed. That's all. And
349
00:21:31.269 --> 00:21:32.869
by the way, is my son going to say back
350
00:21:32.890 --> 00:21:35.789
to me, oh my goodness, you're so right. Yeah, you're right.
351
00:21:35.809 --> 00:21:39.849
This is my disappointment, not your responsibility. Zero percent. And
352
00:21:39.890 --> 00:21:41.630
he might even say, stop saying that. I'm still going
353
00:21:41.650 --> 00:21:44.990
to say it sometimes. I'm not using my kid's reaction
354
00:21:45.029 --> 00:21:47.170
as a barometer for whether I said the thing that
355
00:21:47.210 --> 00:21:51.859
has to be said sometimes. No way. This is, okay,
356
00:21:51.880 --> 00:21:56.259
this is a big one. You promised, so you have to.
357
00:21:58.559 --> 00:22:02.250
You promised you'd take me to ice cream. You promised
358
00:22:03.109 --> 00:22:07.190
I could watch the show. So you have to. I
359
00:22:07.269 --> 00:22:10.269
did say we'd go. And I get why you're pissed
360
00:22:10.869 --> 00:22:15.170
that the plan changed. We're not going. We are not
361
00:22:15.210 --> 00:22:16.869
trying to get our kids to admit that we're right.
362
00:22:17.690 --> 00:22:22.160
We are trying to help rewire a pattern that's started forming.
363
00:22:22.539 --> 00:22:26.539
And we have time. The pattern. I'm disappointed. You caused this.
364
00:22:26.859 --> 00:22:29.940
You need to fix it. I'm disappointed. This is a
365
00:22:29.980 --> 00:22:34.430
feeling in my body. I can cope with it. I
366
00:22:34.470 --> 00:22:37.349
want you to start listening for this everywhere. Because there's
367
00:22:37.369 --> 00:22:41.039
a huge difference between those coaches are so biased, it's bullshit.
368
00:22:41.650 --> 00:22:47.039
And I'm embarrassed I didn't make the team. There's a
369
00:22:47.059 --> 00:22:51.799
big difference between those refs sucked, seriously sucked. And I
370
00:22:51.920 --> 00:22:55.430
can't believe we lost to that team. And there's a
371
00:22:55.509 --> 00:22:58.930
big difference between you have to take me to ice cream,
372
00:22:58.950 --> 00:23:01.410
you promised. And wait, you said we'd go and now
373
00:23:01.450 --> 00:23:07.289
we can't? That sucks. I'm pissed. Now, let me just say,
374
00:23:08.500 --> 00:23:12.250
sometimes the coach is biased. Sometimes the ref did make
375
00:23:12.289 --> 00:23:15.329
a bad call. And sometimes you do promise your kid
376
00:23:15.369 --> 00:23:18.289
something and then the day changes and now you can't.
377
00:23:19.799 --> 00:23:22.799
My heart's racing, okay? But you know what else? Sometimes
378
00:23:22.859 --> 00:23:26.079
a group text seems funny until it doesn't. Sometimes you're
379
00:23:26.099 --> 00:23:28.759
thinking all day about having sex with a girl you've
380
00:23:28.779 --> 00:23:32.079
been flirting with. Maybe she even sends you a direct text,
381
00:23:32.480 --> 00:23:35.500
essentially promising sex that night, and then she changes her
382
00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:46.710
fucking mind. That happens. No one owes our boys continued humor.
383
00:23:47.589 --> 00:23:50.910
No one owes our boys and later men the fulfillment
384
00:23:51.269 --> 00:23:55.240
of their sexual desire. Our boys owe other people the
385
00:23:55.269 --> 00:23:59.369
ability to tolerate their own disappointment without turning it into entitlement.
386
00:24:04.089 --> 00:24:06.930
And so the next time we all are thinking, is
387
00:24:06.990 --> 00:24:10.829
it really worth holding the boundary about screen time or
388
00:24:10.869 --> 00:24:14.430
dessert or bedtime? Ask yourself a different question. Is it
389
00:24:14.490 --> 00:24:17.950
worth helping my kid get better at handling this feeling?
390
00:24:20.990 --> 00:24:24.509
Because the lower stakes moments are where the emotional skills
391
00:24:24.569 --> 00:24:28.150
get built before the stakes are high. And holy shit,
392
00:24:28.250 --> 00:24:31.019
are our kids going to need them. Your son will
393
00:24:31.039 --> 00:24:36.700
need them. My heart's racing. I'm just going to give
394
00:24:36.740 --> 00:24:44.630
myself a moment. Okay. Second point I want to make.
395
00:24:45.470 --> 00:24:49.490
We must help our boys notice other people. If step
396
00:24:49.569 --> 00:24:52.059
one is kind of helping our boys notice and tolerating
397
00:24:52.079 --> 00:24:55.720
the feelings in them, number two is kind of a compliment.
398
00:24:56.039 --> 00:24:57.900
We have to help our boys get better at noticing
399
00:24:57.920 --> 00:25:02.579
what's happening outside themselves, other people's faces, their bodies, their reactions,
400
00:25:02.640 --> 00:25:05.650
the room, the environment. Think about the next time your
401
00:25:05.670 --> 00:25:07.589
son interrupts you on the phone. I get it. Me too.
402
00:25:07.630 --> 00:25:10.950
Stop interrupting me. Go beyond the behavioral level. And this
403
00:25:11.009 --> 00:25:13.710
is a nice conversation, not a mean one. Hey, when
404
00:25:13.750 --> 00:25:15.650
you came into my room, did you notice I was
405
00:25:15.710 --> 00:25:19.700
on the phone? What? What do you think that means?
406
00:25:19.740 --> 00:25:21.099
I mean it. You're not in trouble. What do you
407
00:25:21.119 --> 00:25:25.099
think that means? What do you think that means about
408
00:25:25.119 --> 00:25:28.799
how available I am? And it's so interesting. Whenever I
409
00:25:29.059 --> 00:25:31.420
think about these words, they're all the same words. How
410
00:25:31.539 --> 00:25:34.559
available am I right now to do the thing you
411
00:25:34.599 --> 00:25:38.500
want me to do? Yeah, I wasn't so available. So
412
00:25:38.539 --> 00:25:42.539
glad we see that now. Your son is teasing his sister.
413
00:25:42.859 --> 00:25:46.549
She laughs. Then she stops laughing and looks at the floor.
414
00:25:46.940 --> 00:25:48.859
And he keeps going. So instead of just stop bothering
415
00:25:48.880 --> 00:25:51.819
your sister, what's wrong with you? What if we try later?
416
00:25:51.859 --> 00:25:54.579
Hold on. You're not in trouble. I just actually want
417
00:25:54.599 --> 00:25:57.099
to figure something out with you. Your sister laughed, right?
418
00:25:58.960 --> 00:26:01.890
And then she went from like seeming into it and
419
00:26:01.950 --> 00:26:04.740
liking it. And then did you just notice something? Oh,
420
00:26:04.750 --> 00:26:07.670
you didn't? I'll say it. It's new. She looked at
421
00:26:07.690 --> 00:26:13.710
the floor. So interesting. So often people are telling you
422
00:26:13.730 --> 00:26:15.910
what's going on for them with their body, not their words.
423
00:26:17.299 --> 00:26:21.859
What do you think she's saying? Hmm, you're not sure?
424
00:26:21.920 --> 00:26:23.859
That's okay. This is a new skill. We're going to
425
00:26:23.880 --> 00:26:26.680
keep practicing it. I think she's saying, I don't like
426
00:26:26.720 --> 00:26:35.240
that anymore. I wonder if she's saying, please stop. We
427
00:26:35.299 --> 00:26:38.869
want our sons to have practice. Noticing that was good.
428
00:26:39.470 --> 00:26:43.390
And now someone's not into it. Right? Because one day,
429
00:26:43.829 --> 00:26:45.349
our sons are going to be hooking up with someone.
430
00:26:45.970 --> 00:26:49.450
And they'll seem into it. And then something will shift.
431
00:26:50.890 --> 00:26:53.089
And it'll kind of be that same circuit. Hold on.
432
00:26:53.730 --> 00:26:58.329
I've already had practice noticing someone joining me in excitement
433
00:27:00.099 --> 00:27:02.759
to me still being excited and them not. This isn't
434
00:27:02.799 --> 00:27:07.359
my first time. My first time really practicing that while
435
00:27:07.619 --> 00:27:09.980
sex hormones are going through my body and maybe drugs
436
00:27:10.019 --> 00:27:12.809
or alcohol are involved. Like, it can't be the first time.
437
00:27:12.829 --> 00:27:20.730
You can do better than that. Right? noticing. And that's
438
00:27:20.750 --> 00:27:22.849
a really powerful word just to start using. What if
439
00:27:22.930 --> 00:27:27.430
I thought about noticing as a skill? You know, I
440
00:27:27.470 --> 00:27:29.769
also think you can do this in your environment instead
441
00:27:29.829 --> 00:27:32.750
of like giving your kids chores. What if they take
442
00:27:32.809 --> 00:27:35.539
a zone? I love this idea. Your zone is the kitchen.
443
00:27:35.880 --> 00:27:37.619
And at least once a day, you just go notice
444
00:27:37.630 --> 00:27:40.960
something and then you do it, right? Instead of just
445
00:27:40.980 --> 00:27:45.799
being told what to do. Oh, you noticed that the
446
00:27:45.819 --> 00:27:50.210
counter was dirty. That's amazing noticing. And then you cleaned it. Awesome.
447
00:27:51.069 --> 00:27:52.829
You're no longer just telling your kid what to do
448
00:27:52.970 --> 00:27:56.630
and they don't build the skill of noticing. Noticing people,
449
00:27:56.750 --> 00:27:59.029
noticing nonverbal cues. Think of this like as a skill
450
00:27:59.390 --> 00:28:01.240
and it almost takes away our anger. And again, it's like,
451
00:28:01.259 --> 00:28:05.440
this is great practice. Okay, the third thing we must do.
452
00:28:06.740 --> 00:28:09.960
We must help our kids think for themselves and trust
453
00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.829
themselves even when the group pulls the other way. If
454
00:28:14.869 --> 00:28:18.069
your friends were all texting something really disrespectful about a girl,
455
00:28:18.170 --> 00:28:21.690
what would you do? I would tell them to stop. Okay, great.
456
00:28:22.230 --> 00:28:25.369
This kid knows the right answer. Again, knowing the right
457
00:28:25.430 --> 00:28:31.119
answer is a necessary and completely insufficient part of actually
458
00:28:31.180 --> 00:28:34.200
doing the right thing in the moment. Right? Again, I
459
00:28:34.200 --> 00:28:36.200
have a question. Who knows the right answer? Write me
460
00:28:36.279 --> 00:28:39.150
if you know the right answer about scrolling on your
461
00:28:39.190 --> 00:28:50.720
phone before bed. Me. Me. Right? Nope. If that knowledge
462
00:28:50.880 --> 00:28:58.279
is insufficient. Nope. Like, it's actually just a basic behavioral principle.
463
00:28:58.759 --> 00:29:02.420
Teaching knowledge and having emotional skills to apply knowledge, just
464
00:29:03.049 --> 00:29:09.190
totally different things, right? Your kids know the right answer, right?
465
00:29:09.349 --> 00:29:13.420
So we have to help them. And helping them involves
466
00:29:13.460 --> 00:29:16.339
getting real. Like we have to be honest about it, right?
467
00:29:17.339 --> 00:29:19.700
So our kids and our son will tell us at
468
00:29:19.740 --> 00:29:21.869
the kitchen, like I would tell them to stop. But
469
00:29:21.930 --> 00:29:24.750
now picture it's his best friend who started it. It's
470
00:29:24.789 --> 00:29:29.450
his soccer team, right? And he kind of knows something
471
00:29:29.470 --> 00:29:33.170
doesn't feel right, but saying something is a legitimate risk.
472
00:29:33.769 --> 00:29:35.869
And like, again, as a world, and this is such
473
00:29:35.890 --> 00:29:37.809
an amazing, why i feel safe talking in this community
474
00:29:38.069 --> 00:29:40.299
we can hold nuance it's a risk oh it's a
475
00:29:40.380 --> 00:29:45.460
risk to do the right thing well kind of like
476
00:29:45.500 --> 00:29:46.960
if we're not going to be moralistic and we want
477
00:29:46.980 --> 00:29:50.279
to be realistic you know what's real to that 14
478
00:29:50.279 --> 00:29:52.460
year old his friends are going to say you're a
479
00:29:52.559 --> 00:29:56.079
loser his friends might not invite him to the next
480
00:29:56.119 --> 00:30:00.829
friday night like Sure. Is it a risk morally? No.
481
00:30:01.269 --> 00:30:04.069
Is it a risk personally for what a kid and
482
00:30:04.170 --> 00:30:06.049
an adult is thinking? No, it is. And I'm not
483
00:30:06.069 --> 00:30:07.349
afraid to name that because I think if we don't
484
00:30:07.430 --> 00:30:09.789
name that, how are we ever going to help with
485
00:30:09.809 --> 00:30:12.009
the real life situations these things happen in? We have
486
00:30:12.049 --> 00:30:16.859
to be real. So I want you to picture... So
487
00:30:16.880 --> 00:30:21.200
let me pause for a second. I also think there's
488
00:30:21.220 --> 00:30:25.940
another element of this, okay? We'll get to the risk. We...
489
00:30:26.609 --> 00:30:33.309
I think in so much of parenting, completely unintentionally undermine
490
00:30:33.710 --> 00:30:40.869
our kids' intuition for the sake of our or the
491
00:30:40.910 --> 00:30:43.390
perceived sense of comfort we're giving to our kid. I
492
00:30:43.430 --> 00:30:46.109
think the number one thing to even manage the risk
493
00:30:46.170 --> 00:30:48.690
of being different is we have to at least start
494
00:30:48.730 --> 00:30:50.880
by helping our kid trust themselves enough to even know,
495
00:30:51.180 --> 00:30:53.180
hold on, this is a little messed up. Picture an
496
00:30:53.200 --> 00:30:57.390
eighth grader, okay? It's Friday night. Everyone is going to
497
00:30:57.410 --> 00:31:00.009
someone's house. Maybe you're friends with all the parents of
498
00:31:00.049 --> 00:31:02.849
those boys. And everyone's like, oh, you guys, our boys
499
00:31:02.890 --> 00:31:04.230
are all going to this house. And you're like, that's
500
00:31:04.250 --> 00:31:08.750
so weird. My son isn't going. My son actually messaged
501
00:31:08.769 --> 00:31:10.650
me from school saying he's just going to be in tonight.
502
00:31:12.359 --> 00:31:14.779
So you ask your son at home and he's like, nah,
503
00:31:14.799 --> 00:31:17.319
I don't really want to go. Now, I want to
504
00:31:17.359 --> 00:31:19.299
be honest. Okay, I do this too. This is not
505
00:31:19.339 --> 00:31:22.170
above this. It's so hard to be at our best.
506
00:31:22.529 --> 00:31:25.430
It's so easy. Like, what? Why do you want to
507
00:31:25.450 --> 00:31:27.619
stay home? All your friends are going. Come on, go
508
00:31:28.099 --> 00:31:32.859
have fun. Like, what if underneath I don't want to
509
00:31:32.900 --> 00:31:36.220
go is something he can't even articulate, but it's like,
510
00:31:36.279 --> 00:31:37.880
I just know the parents aren't going to be home
511
00:31:37.920 --> 00:31:39.980
and there's going to be alcohol. There's this group of
512
00:31:40.059 --> 00:31:43.279
kids coming and whenever they're around, it's bad news. Yeah,
513
00:31:43.319 --> 00:31:44.839
I guess all my friends are going, but I'm just
514
00:31:44.859 --> 00:31:48.769
kind of tired and I'd rather get sleep. Something about
515
00:31:48.809 --> 00:31:52.319
this doesn't feel right to me. Whenever I think about it,
516
00:31:52.319 --> 00:31:56.109
I'm like, holy shit. Am I the one as the
517
00:31:56.140 --> 00:32:01.109
parent questioning the very thing that I would want my
518
00:32:01.150 --> 00:32:03.569
kid to listen to in a couple years and they're
519
00:32:03.589 --> 00:32:09.109
out of my house? I guess I am. Right? There's
520
00:32:09.130 --> 00:32:11.390
going to be a feeling. And I believe our boys
521
00:32:11.410 --> 00:32:14.069
still have this of like, yeah, no, I'm not into that.
522
00:32:14.890 --> 00:32:18.150
This isn't okay. I'm leaving. I want to stop this.
523
00:32:18.190 --> 00:32:20.970
I'm telling someone. I don't want to do what you
524
00:32:20.990 --> 00:32:25.309
guys are doing. And I don't want the voice after
525
00:32:25.329 --> 00:32:28.200
to be, well, I'm supposed to want what everyone else wants.
526
00:32:29.119 --> 00:32:34.380
Maybe I'm wrong. If I teach my kid to orient
527
00:32:34.440 --> 00:32:37.960
too much to the group, I end up sometimes teaching
528
00:32:38.140 --> 00:32:41.059
my son that his hesitation is wrong, that other people
529
00:32:41.099 --> 00:32:44.329
have a better read on what he should do than
530
00:32:44.349 --> 00:32:48.490
he does. And that's what I think we really need
531
00:32:48.509 --> 00:32:52.410
to stop teaching. Now, again, there's nuance. This doesn't mean
532
00:32:52.470 --> 00:32:55.799
our kids' inclinations are always right. Oh, you want to
533
00:32:55.819 --> 00:32:57.500
stay home? Stay home. For all I know, my kid
534
00:32:57.539 --> 00:32:59.160
is always staying home and on video games and they
535
00:32:59.200 --> 00:33:01.039
no longer even want to talk to other kids. Like,
536
00:33:01.319 --> 00:33:06.900
there's nuance here. But remember, like, helping your kid trust
537
00:33:07.259 --> 00:33:11.299
what he's feeling doesn't always mean his feelings will dictate
538
00:33:11.339 --> 00:33:14.309
his decision, but it does mean that feeling is real
539
00:33:14.349 --> 00:33:16.970
in some way. There's something to listen to or just
540
00:33:17.029 --> 00:33:19.740
be curious about. And that's, I think, the thing we
541
00:33:19.779 --> 00:33:23.779
need to do more of. Get curious. It is the
542
00:33:23.839 --> 00:33:28.980
parenting superpower. I actually just am obsessed with questions. I'm
543
00:33:29.000 --> 00:33:31.549
just obsessed with questions. Like, I have so many more
544
00:33:31.660 --> 00:33:34.410
questions after someone asks me one thing. I'm like, I
545
00:33:34.430 --> 00:33:37.789
can't answer that question. I need to know 20 things.
546
00:33:37.809 --> 00:33:40.849
I guess I think whatever someone says, whether it's a
547
00:33:40.869 --> 00:33:43.769
statement or a question, it's like a door into a room.
548
00:33:44.130 --> 00:33:47.089
I kind of like get in the room first. I
549
00:33:47.109 --> 00:33:50.980
gotta like learn more. It's always just the starting point.
550
00:33:51.039 --> 00:33:53.900
It's always just the tip of the iceberg. We need
551
00:33:53.920 --> 00:33:56.599
to be curious and learn more across the board. It
552
00:33:56.660 --> 00:34:00.140
helps your kid trust themselves. It helps them flesh things out, okay?
553
00:34:00.539 --> 00:34:03.089
So what does that sound like in this situation? And
554
00:34:03.109 --> 00:34:05.450
sometimes it's not really a question, but it's a pontification
555
00:34:05.490 --> 00:34:07.470
to learn more. Oh, you're not going? I'm sure you
556
00:34:07.490 --> 00:34:09.610
have a reason for not wanting to go. And then
557
00:34:09.650 --> 00:34:13.489
stop talking. This is a great sentence. I'm sure you
558
00:34:13.530 --> 00:34:16.150
have a reason for that. Then you have to stop talking.
559
00:34:16.539 --> 00:34:19.030
My new thing is counting to 14. 14 is like
560
00:34:19.050 --> 00:34:22.130
such a random number that you'll actually remember it because
561
00:34:22.150 --> 00:34:25.269
we have to then let that land. Like if you're
562
00:34:25.289 --> 00:34:27.449
always used to your partner or boss like telling you
563
00:34:27.489 --> 00:34:29.969
why you should do something and then you're like, hey,
564
00:34:30.070 --> 00:34:32.010
I need to do this thing. And they're like, I'm
565
00:34:32.030 --> 00:34:37.469
sure you have a reason for that. Like, hmm? We
566
00:34:37.510 --> 00:34:39.699
like move into the next thing right away. But do
567
00:34:39.739 --> 00:34:41.079
you want to go? You know, like you got to
568
00:34:41.099 --> 00:34:44.039
give your kid's body a second to absorb the profound
569
00:34:44.119 --> 00:34:46.360
gift you just gave them. Yeah. You know what? If
570
00:34:46.380 --> 00:34:49.460
I thought that, if I heard that, I thought, well,
571
00:34:49.559 --> 00:34:53.119
what is my reason? What is my reason? Maybe now
572
00:34:53.139 --> 00:34:55.699
I'm going to try to figure that out with my parent, right?
573
00:34:55.719 --> 00:34:58.550
It's such a gift. Or just, huh, tell me more.
574
00:34:59.590 --> 00:35:01.809
You don't do that. There's something about not adding what,
575
00:35:01.889 --> 00:35:04.389
what is it, right? Again, that's it. There's something about
576
00:35:04.409 --> 00:35:05.909
this you're not into. It's not about soccer today you're
577
00:35:05.929 --> 00:35:08.320
not into. And I know you're like, my kid's gonna
578
00:35:08.340 --> 00:35:11.280
give me nothing or say, I don't know. Your curiosity
579
00:35:11.340 --> 00:35:14.670
still sends a signal. The feelings inside you are real.
580
00:35:15.170 --> 00:35:17.710
Wouldn't we love our sons when they're in some nasty
581
00:35:17.750 --> 00:35:21.070
text to have a feeling and just say, I think
582
00:35:21.090 --> 00:35:24.170
there's a reason for this feeling. I don't know what
583
00:35:24.190 --> 00:35:28.079
it is. But yeah, there's something about this that doesn't
584
00:35:28.119 --> 00:35:31.380
feel right. Kind of the best it gets to get
585
00:35:31.400 --> 00:35:36.559
you to pause, right? So we're gonna try to notice
586
00:35:37.170 --> 00:35:40.130
and help our kids trust feelings instead of insinuating over
587
00:35:40.170 --> 00:35:42.300
and over that they should go along with the crowd.
588
00:35:43.179 --> 00:35:45.280
And then let's talk about action. And so what we
589
00:35:45.300 --> 00:35:48.380
really have to do with our boys is practice actual words.
590
00:35:48.639 --> 00:35:51.960
Give them some reps. And this is where the nuance matters.
591
00:35:52.880 --> 00:35:55.309
What if someone was saying disrespectful stuff about a girl?
592
00:35:55.789 --> 00:35:58.869
Would you say something? I would. This is where I'd say,
593
00:36:00.730 --> 00:36:04.730
what might make that hard? Well, It's not hard. It's
594
00:36:04.750 --> 00:36:06.380
the right thing to say. Oh, I get it. Like,
595
00:36:06.469 --> 00:36:09.659
if my kid can't articulate what would make it hard
596
00:36:09.699 --> 00:36:11.679
to do, I mean this. This is just me. I
597
00:36:11.719 --> 00:36:13.409
wouldn't even believe they'd have a chance of doing it.
598
00:36:14.300 --> 00:36:17.099
I just don't believe it. Like, you're telling me you're
599
00:36:17.119 --> 00:36:19.070
going to be the 16-year-old boy in a group of friends,
600
00:36:19.489 --> 00:36:22.150
and you have the group of friends who says nasty
601
00:36:22.190 --> 00:36:26.150
stuff like that, and you're like, not hard? No, not hard. What?
602
00:36:26.230 --> 00:36:27.710
I'd want them to articulate it. As soon as you
603
00:36:27.769 --> 00:36:30.090
talk about something that's hard, you're more likely to overcome
604
00:36:30.110 --> 00:36:32.179
the hard. You don't have the fear around it. What
605
00:36:32.199 --> 00:36:34.739
would be hard about that? Well, I know, no, it's okay.
606
00:36:34.800 --> 00:36:37.139
I actually think it would be hard. This is where
607
00:36:37.199 --> 00:36:38.570
it's the stuff I have to say in this. Again,
608
00:36:38.590 --> 00:36:41.030
I don't want it to be misperceived, right? But this
609
00:36:41.110 --> 00:36:44.250
is real. This is so real. It can be hard
610
00:36:44.289 --> 00:36:48.829
to do the right thing. It can. Okay, so that
611
00:36:48.849 --> 00:36:50.989
would be hard. I get that. Well, I have a question.
612
00:36:52.639 --> 00:36:55.760
What is realistic to say? Let's say if it's in
613
00:36:55.800 --> 00:36:57.300
a text and this is where you should throw out
614
00:36:57.360 --> 00:37:01.000
ideas and have internal joy when your kid rejects you, right?
615
00:37:01.019 --> 00:37:03.739
Because you could say, Like, would a kid your age say, hey, guys,
616
00:37:03.780 --> 00:37:06.610
that's not nice? And let your kid be like, no,
617
00:37:06.849 --> 00:37:08.929
that's not what the text is going to say. Oh,
618
00:37:09.110 --> 00:37:10.889
what would it say? I don't know. Someone would probably say,
619
00:37:10.929 --> 00:37:15.090
that's fucked. Yeah, that's probably what someone would say. Your
620
00:37:15.110 --> 00:37:17.829
kid just heard themselves say it once. They already have
621
00:37:17.949 --> 00:37:21.760
one rep. They're probably going to need more. They have one. Right? No,
622
00:37:21.800 --> 00:37:27.360
that's not funny. Bro, stop. Right? That's fucked. Great. Never
623
00:37:27.400 --> 00:37:29.159
been more happy for you to use a curse word
624
00:37:29.280 --> 00:37:32.519
than in that situation and to stop some fucked up shit, okay?
625
00:37:34.019 --> 00:37:36.179
So you want your kid to reject yours. You want
626
00:37:36.219 --> 00:37:38.119
them to say no one would say that. Again, it
627
00:37:38.460 --> 00:37:41.280
makes you say, okay, well, my kid's about a second
628
00:37:41.300 --> 00:37:43.699
away from telling me what they would say. And then
629
00:37:43.800 --> 00:37:45.239
let your kid say something that would come out of
630
00:37:45.280 --> 00:37:48.909
their mouth. And then this is really important. We have
631
00:37:48.989 --> 00:37:52.489
to give our kids a plan B. There's a lot
632
00:37:52.530 --> 00:37:54.989
between saying the right thing and your plan A and
633
00:37:55.030 --> 00:37:59.949
doing the thing. And I think that whole arc really matters. Okay? Okay.
634
00:38:00.679 --> 00:38:02.489
What if you freeze and you still have that feeling
635
00:38:02.510 --> 00:38:04.289
like this isn't right? And you're like, I even know
636
00:38:04.309 --> 00:38:05.750
what to say, but you just can't. Mom, I'm not
637
00:38:05.769 --> 00:38:07.769
going to do that. But you might. And that doesn't
638
00:38:07.789 --> 00:38:09.730
mean you're weak. And that doesn't mean I'd be mad
639
00:38:09.750 --> 00:38:11.730
at you. And that doesn't mean you're a bad person.
640
00:38:11.750 --> 00:38:14.210
You might. Our bodies do weird things when we're nervous.
641
00:38:14.969 --> 00:38:17.349
What else could you do? And you know what? I
642
00:38:17.369 --> 00:38:20.849
think there's always one plan B. Tell someone. You tell you?
643
00:38:20.869 --> 00:38:24.929
The parent? You pull one friend aside? You don't have
644
00:38:24.949 --> 00:38:27.230
a solution? but you bring in someone else at least
645
00:38:27.289 --> 00:38:31.929
as a start. I know I want my kids to
646
00:38:31.989 --> 00:38:35.590
know that missing the first opportunity to act doesn't mean
647
00:38:35.630 --> 00:38:38.210
the opportunity is gone. You froze? Okay, what can you
648
00:38:38.230 --> 00:38:40.860
do next? You laughed because everyone else laughed and then
649
00:38:40.880 --> 00:38:42.920
felt sick about it? Okay, what can you do now?
650
00:38:47.320 --> 00:38:49.900
So what really matters when raising boys? Much more than
651
00:38:49.920 --> 00:38:52.280
we've talked about today and much more than even what
652
00:38:52.300 --> 00:38:54.010
we do in our home. We have to stand up
653
00:38:54.070 --> 00:38:56.230
and make a bigger deal of these cultural themes where
654
00:38:56.250 --> 00:38:59.929
we can. And there are three patterns you can know
655
00:39:00.750 --> 00:39:04.730
you do have control over. And something I don't tell
656
00:39:04.769 --> 00:39:07.510
you enough is all these things, and I think those
657
00:39:07.530 --> 00:39:10.530
patterns are making sure our kids learn, our boys learn.
658
00:39:10.610 --> 00:39:12.789
I can handle not getting what I want. I am
659
00:39:12.889 --> 00:39:15.869
noticing other people. And I trust the part of me
660
00:39:15.909 --> 00:39:19.449
that says, huh, I don't know about this. And I'm
661
00:39:19.469 --> 00:39:22.219
learning how to act when I have that feeling. These
662
00:39:22.280 --> 00:39:26.320
are skills. They take years. End. All the things I
663
00:39:26.360 --> 00:39:30.780
do in my house. Me. Becky. The Boundary Set. the limits,
664
00:39:30.820 --> 00:39:33.619
the tolerating, the upset, the noticing, instead of just saying,
665
00:39:33.679 --> 00:39:39.940
stop doing this, is such hard work. Like, these things
666
00:39:39.980 --> 00:39:44.429
aren't easy breezy for me. I work, I think, so
667
00:39:44.489 --> 00:39:47.969
much harder with my kids than people would imagine to
668
00:39:48.010 --> 00:39:54.480
do these things. So hard. So hard. And these things
669
00:39:54.519 --> 00:39:57.510
take years to build. It's why parenting isn't like a,
670
00:39:57.960 --> 00:40:00.699
it's not like a one-time thing. It's not like a
671
00:40:00.739 --> 00:40:03.489
pill that you take. It's not a one-time course. It's
672
00:40:04.360 --> 00:40:07.750
those three things. I can handle not getting what I want.
673
00:40:08.329 --> 00:40:10.869
I notice other people. I trust the part of me
674
00:40:10.889 --> 00:40:12.730
that says, huh, I don't know about this and I
675
00:40:12.769 --> 00:40:17.130
learn how to act on it. I know that the
676
00:40:17.170 --> 00:40:20.889
low-stakes moments happening in our homes are where our boys
677
00:40:20.949 --> 00:40:24.849
are getting the reps they will need to rely on
678
00:40:24.969 --> 00:40:36.559
when the stakes are higher. Before we end, I just
679
00:40:36.599 --> 00:40:39.480
want to zoom out for a minute. Sexual violence is
680
00:40:39.519 --> 00:40:43.190
not an individual parenting problem, and so it cannot have
681
00:40:43.230 --> 00:40:46.889
an individual parenting solution. Our boys are developing inside cultures
682
00:40:46.949 --> 00:40:49.550
and systems and institutions that are teaching them things all
683
00:40:49.590 --> 00:40:52.789
the time. Here's what I do want us to take seriously.
684
00:40:53.489 --> 00:40:56.449
If knowledge isn't enough, then we have to rethink what
685
00:40:56.530 --> 00:41:00.980
preparation looks like. Not instead of teaching consent, in addition to.
686
00:41:01.579 --> 00:41:04.099
Because I worry that sometimes we have these conversations and
687
00:41:04.139 --> 00:41:07.260
our son gives us the right answers and then we think, okay,
688
00:41:07.280 --> 00:41:11.360
he gets it. But does he have practice tolerating disappointment
689
00:41:11.820 --> 00:41:15.360
without making it someone else's responsibility to fix? Does he
690
00:41:15.420 --> 00:41:19.119
notice another person when his own desire is really, really loud?
691
00:41:19.280 --> 00:41:21.739
And has he been encouraged to notice that little voice
692
00:41:21.800 --> 00:41:24.900
inside him that says, yeah, I don't know about this.
693
00:41:26.039 --> 00:41:29.980
Even when everyone else around him is literally saying or
694
00:41:30.139 --> 00:41:33.900
just saying with their behavior, yeah, it's fine. None of
695
00:41:34.219 --> 00:41:38.099
this gives full answers. But we're really talking about skills
696
00:41:38.199 --> 00:41:41.739
and skills have to be practiced. And they cannot only
697
00:41:41.889 --> 00:41:44.920
live inside our homes. You know, I recently heard a
698
00:41:44.940 --> 00:41:49.019
college president talking about bystander training. And in that same conversation,
699
00:41:49.079 --> 00:41:52.119
someone had this amazing idea that I haven't stopped thinking about.
700
00:41:52.619 --> 00:41:56.530
We have designated drivers. Why can't we have designated upstanders?
701
00:41:57.199 --> 00:41:59.809
Someone who has the job that night of knowing I
702
00:41:59.849 --> 00:42:01.510
need to notice. I need to step in. That is
703
00:42:01.570 --> 00:42:05.179
my role tonight to protect everyone. This is a systems
704
00:42:05.239 --> 00:42:07.719
level idea and I get so excited by those and
705
00:42:07.760 --> 00:42:10.539
we need more of those. We need schools thinking about
706
00:42:10.579 --> 00:42:14.190
this and colleges and coaches and teams and fraternities and parents.
707
00:42:15.190 --> 00:42:17.769
If we're serious about changing what happens when stakes are high,
708
00:42:18.269 --> 00:42:20.650
we have to get more creative about what gets practiced
709
00:42:20.829 --> 00:42:24.889
and instituted before the stakes are high. We cannot unintentionally
710
00:42:24.969 --> 00:42:28.360
reinforce patterns in childhood and expect the next generation of
711
00:42:28.409 --> 00:42:32.000
kids to resist them later in young adulthood. And we
712
00:42:32.159 --> 00:42:35.679
have to change the systems that are reinforcing the very
713
00:42:35.719 --> 00:42:39.980
behaviors we hope young people are able to resist. None
714
00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:42.800
of that means you're not accountable for your actions. When
715
00:42:42.980 --> 00:42:45.039
all of us are thinking about this next generation, I
716
00:42:45.539 --> 00:42:47.800
believe this just has to be part of that conversation.
717
00:42:48.980 --> 00:42:53.199
So what now? Well, I do hope you leave thinking, okay,
718
00:42:53.320 --> 00:42:55.389
I have a few more things to notice, maybe different
719
00:42:55.429 --> 00:42:58.369
things to look for, different things to do. But I
720
00:42:58.389 --> 00:43:00.769
hope on a bigger scale, I hope you have more
721
00:43:00.809 --> 00:43:04.150
questions than answers. I still do. I always do. And
722
00:43:04.510 --> 00:43:07.250
I don't think this conversation of all conversations needs a
723
00:43:07.269 --> 00:43:09.590
neat ending. It shouldn't have that. I think it needs
724
00:43:09.630 --> 00:43:12.969
more conversations with more people with varied perspectives because that
725
00:43:13.320 --> 00:43:17.199
is what leads to collective systemic action. So if any
726
00:43:17.219 --> 00:43:20.440
of this resonated, pass it along. Not with a, this
727
00:43:20.500 --> 00:43:23.460
is correct, listen to it, but with real questions. What
728
00:43:23.480 --> 00:43:26.099
do you think about this? What hit you? Maybe bring
729
00:43:26.119 --> 00:43:28.679
it up at the next conversation you have with a
730
00:43:28.780 --> 00:43:30.800
friend or bring it to your kid's school or your
731
00:43:30.860 --> 00:43:34.590
team or your university. I know progress is going to
732
00:43:34.619 --> 00:43:37.949
require interventions on so many levels. No one person has
733
00:43:37.989 --> 00:43:40.130
the right answer, so the solution won't be one thing.
734
00:43:41.349 --> 00:43:43.269
I believe we get somewhere different when more of us
735
00:43:43.489 --> 00:43:46.730
start asking different questions together, and I'm just excited to
736
00:43:46.750 --> 00:43:49.090
be part of that process and to learn right alongside you.
737
00:43:49.849 --> 00:43:51.769
I can't wait to hear what you think, and I
738
00:43:51.809 --> 00:43:53.789
can't wait for the collective action we can take together.
739
00:43:54.570 --> 00:43:57.010
One last thing. So many of you have asked me
740
00:43:57.070 --> 00:43:59.309
to put some of these ideas into writing in a
741
00:43:59.349 --> 00:44:01.780
place you can actually go to, maybe share it with
742
00:44:01.820 --> 00:44:04.460
someone else. So I typed it up. I put it
743
00:44:04.519 --> 00:44:06.119
on our site and there's a link to it in
744
00:44:06.139 --> 00:44:08.150
the show notes. Until next time.