How We Grow Up: Inside the Adolescent Brain with Matt Richtel

WEBVTT
1
00:00:00.190 --> 00:00:02.730
After my first baby was born, I treated my own
2
00:00:02.770 --> 00:00:06.230
recovery like a complete afterthought. If the baby needed something,
3
00:00:06.290 --> 00:00:09.589
I showed up immediately. If I needed something, well, it
4
00:00:09.630 --> 00:00:12.410
would wait. But research shows that when parents have the
5
00:00:12.429 --> 00:00:15.169
support they need, they're better able to care for their children.
6
00:00:15.630 --> 00:00:18.929
Taking care of yourself isn't separate from parenting. It's a
7
00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:22.620
huge part of parenting. That's why I love Frida's mission
8
00:00:22.899 --> 00:00:26.940
to prepare women for the realities of pregnancy, postpartum, recovery,
9
00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:30.760
and feeding. Frida creates solutions for the moments that often
10
00:00:30.800 --> 00:00:34.359
catch moms off guard. The Postpartum Essentials Kit and Breastfeeding
11
00:00:34.399 --> 00:00:37.619
Survival Kit help women feel more prepared for those early
12
00:00:37.659 --> 00:00:42.439
weeks of motherhood. Be motherhood prepared and shop Frida at Amazon, Target,
13
00:00:42.520 --> 00:00:44.729
and Walmart today. Here's a question parents ask me all
14
00:00:44.770 --> 00:00:47.490
the time. How can I help my kid take ownership
15
00:00:47.530 --> 00:00:50.490
of their routine? I love this question because owning a
16
00:00:50.530 --> 00:00:52.890
routine is such a good way for kids to build
17
00:00:52.990 --> 00:00:55.990
independence and confidence. It's why I'm excited to tell you
18
00:00:56.030 --> 00:01:00.090
about Yodo, the screen-free audio player for kids. In the mornings,
19
00:01:00.289 --> 00:01:02.799
your kid can wake up with Yodo's alarm clock. When
20
00:01:02.810 --> 00:01:06.540
your kid gets home from school, Yodo has focus tracks, audiobooks, music,
21
00:01:06.599 --> 00:01:09.340
and learning content. One of my kids really likes to
22
00:01:09.400 --> 00:01:11.579
write and record their own stories with the Make Your
23
00:01:11.640 --> 00:01:13.959
Own cards. Then at night, your kid can build a
24
00:01:14.040 --> 00:01:17.780
wind-down routine with Yodo's toothbrush timer, white noise, and nightlight.
25
00:01:18.459 --> 00:01:20.599
With the right sound, stories, and a bit of structure
26
00:01:20.640 --> 00:01:24.390
thanks to Yodo, mornings feel more manageable. Homework time feels calmer,
27
00:01:24.650 --> 00:01:27.829
and winding down before bed becomes something kids can run themselves,
28
00:01:28.430 --> 00:01:31.590
making the whole school year feel a little easier for everyone.
29
00:01:31.890 --> 00:01:37.280
Use the code DrBecky15 for 15% off your order at yodoplay.com.
30
00:01:37.780 --> 00:01:42.560
New customers only. Ends October 31st. Terms apply. Offer valid
31
00:01:42.739 --> 00:01:45.420
on select products only. All right, today I'm speaking with
32
00:01:45.560 --> 00:01:50.170
Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and a dad of teenagers, Matt Richtel.
33
00:01:50.989 --> 00:01:55.230
Matt spent nearly two years reporting a powerful nine-part series
34
00:01:55.269 --> 00:01:58.689
in the New York Times on the post-pandemic adolescent mental
35
00:01:58.709 --> 00:02:02.109
health crisis. And the project evolved into a brand new book.
36
00:02:02.859 --> 00:02:07.939
His book is How We Grow Up, Understanding Adolescence. And
37
00:02:07.980 --> 00:02:11.620
it's out today, July 8th. Matt and I had one
38
00:02:11.639 --> 00:02:14.139
of the most amazing conversations I've had with anyone in
39
00:02:14.180 --> 00:02:16.539
my life. It was truly one of those moments where
40
00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:18.490
I thought, oh my goodness, how are we already at time?
41
00:02:18.530 --> 00:02:21.349
I could talk to you forever. You want to hear
42
00:02:21.389 --> 00:02:24.689
this conversation, whether you have an adolescent or not. I
43
00:02:24.930 --> 00:02:27.050
promise you it's going to make you think new things.
44
00:02:27.370 --> 00:02:29.370
It's going to make you do something different in your
45
00:02:29.430 --> 00:02:31.990
home today. And I promise you it will not leave
46
00:02:32.009 --> 00:02:34.990
you feeling, oh, it's too late because it's actually all
47
00:02:35.129 --> 00:02:38.840
about what we do after the moments like me. We
48
00:02:38.849 --> 00:02:42.349
mess up. I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside.
49
00:02:42.789 --> 00:02:51.659
We'll be back right after this. Does this sound familiar?
50
00:02:52.090 --> 00:02:54.340
Your baby wants to be held, needs to be held,
51
00:02:54.979 --> 00:02:57.139
and you need to do 10 different things at once.
52
00:02:57.560 --> 00:02:59.819
You're holding your baby while also trying to make coffee,
53
00:02:59.900 --> 00:03:02.159
get breakfast ready for your older kid, answer emails, and
54
00:03:02.259 --> 00:03:04.439
all those small and big tasks to make up your day.
55
00:03:05.199 --> 00:03:06.819
And what I see with so many parents is that
56
00:03:06.840 --> 00:03:09.340
when you can stay close to your baby and have
57
00:03:09.379 --> 00:03:13.550
your hands free everything feels a little more manageable. That's
58
00:03:13.569 --> 00:03:17.330
why I recommend ergo baby carriers. Baby wearing has so
59
00:03:17.349 --> 00:03:19.870
many benefits. Babies tend to feel more settled when they're
60
00:03:19.889 --> 00:03:22.189
close to you. And that closeness can make a difference
61
00:03:22.210 --> 00:03:25.150
for parents too. But here's the key. You only get
62
00:03:25.189 --> 00:03:29.189
those benefits if your carrier actually works for your body. Otherwise,
63
00:03:29.229 --> 00:03:31.409
your back hurts and you're taking off your carrier after
64
00:03:31.550 --> 00:03:34.449
five minutes. It's why I'm a big fan of ergo baby.
65
00:03:35.129 --> 00:03:38.550
Ergo baby carriers are designed to be truly ergonomic and
66
00:03:38.629 --> 00:03:41.330
newborn ready. so you can use them comfortably from the
67
00:03:41.409 --> 00:03:44.810
very beginning. They have patented design that supports the parent
68
00:03:44.889 --> 00:03:48.180
by distributing the weight evenly for a lighter, more comfortable carry.
69
00:03:48.939 --> 00:03:51.319
And they have options for every stage, which is why
70
00:03:51.419 --> 00:03:53.759
so many parents keep using them as their baby grows
71
00:03:53.800 --> 00:03:56.379
and grows. If you think that kind of support will
72
00:03:56.400 --> 00:04:00.990
make your day-to-day that much easier, use code DRBECKY20, D-R-B-E-C-K-Y 20,
73
00:04:00.990 --> 00:04:08.259
for 20% off site-wide at ergobaby.com. There's just something about
74
00:04:08.319 --> 00:04:11.240
summer that makes parents think, maybe this is the time
75
00:04:11.379 --> 00:04:14.400
to finally tackle potty training. And if that's where you
76
00:04:14.460 --> 00:04:16.740
are right now, I want to offer a minor reframe.
77
00:04:17.360 --> 00:04:21.079
Potty training isn't really about the potty. Now, I know
78
00:04:21.110 --> 00:04:23.589
what you're thinking. Um, Dr. Becky, what do you mean?
79
00:04:23.949 --> 00:04:28.170
Potty is in the name. But actually, it's really all
80
00:04:28.209 --> 00:04:31.629
about independence. See, your kid wants to do more things
81
00:04:31.689 --> 00:04:34.110
on their own. Your kid wants to build confidence and
82
00:04:34.149 --> 00:04:37.019
feel like a big kid. That's why I like Pampers
83
00:04:37.160 --> 00:04:40.279
Easy Ups. They fit and feel more like underwear than
84
00:04:40.319 --> 00:04:42.759
a diaper. So kids can practice pulling them up and
85
00:04:42.810 --> 00:04:45.360
down on their own. And those moments of, I did it,
86
00:04:45.889 --> 00:04:49.449
really matter in confidence building. They even come with Peppa
87
00:04:49.490 --> 00:04:52.709
Pig designs, which if you have a toddler, you know
88
00:04:52.769 --> 00:04:56.029
can make almost anything more exciting. And because accidents are
89
00:04:56.089 --> 00:04:59.500
part of learning, Pampers Easy Ups are designed to protect
90
00:04:59.579 --> 00:05:02.370
day and night, which means less stress for you and
91
00:05:02.399 --> 00:05:05.149
more room to focus on helping your child learn. The
92
00:05:05.170 --> 00:05:07.730
goal isn't a perfectly dry day. The goal is to
93
00:05:07.769 --> 00:05:10.670
help your kid feel more capable. And I like that
94
00:05:10.730 --> 00:05:13.139
Pampers Easy Ups helps make room for that.
95
00:05:14.339 --> 00:05:21.980
Hi, Matt. Hi, Becky. How are you? I am.
96
00:05:22.399 --> 00:05:24.920
I'm good. I'm so excited to talk. Matt, I want
97
00:05:24.939 --> 00:05:27.379
to jump in just talking about your new book, How
98
00:05:27.660 --> 00:05:32.370
We Grow Up. I loved it. It's so important. And
99
00:05:32.399 --> 00:05:33.759
maybe we could just start telling me a little bit
100
00:05:33.810 --> 00:05:38.370
about either your research process or your why, like what
101
00:05:38.410 --> 00:05:40.569
was going on that led you to write the book
102
00:05:40.629 --> 00:05:41.250
that drove this?
103
00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:43.019
Yeah.
104
00:05:43.439 --> 00:05:47.379
First of all, thank you for asking. And I will repeat,
105
00:05:47.490 --> 00:05:50.209
it's really great to be here. I've been listening to
106
00:05:50.250 --> 00:05:54.750
your show of late, and I really appreciate the fact
107
00:05:55.029 --> 00:05:59.360
that You're trying to make practical what can often be
108
00:05:59.459 --> 00:06:03.040
esoteric and glib. And I will make the same effort.
109
00:06:03.319 --> 00:06:06.189
And it's in that spirit, in a way, that got
110
00:06:06.230 --> 00:06:09.870
me working on this. I had spent two years doing
111
00:06:09.889 --> 00:06:13.589
a series on the adolescent mental health crisis, if you
112
00:06:13.629 --> 00:06:16.129
want to call it that. And I realized in the
113
00:06:16.189 --> 00:06:19.769
course of reporting that, that there was a fundamental question
114
00:06:19.889 --> 00:06:23.980
left unanswered. And that is, what is the nature of
115
00:06:24.060 --> 00:06:31.139
adolescence itself? And Becky, that, interestingly, that question, there's a
116
00:06:31.240 --> 00:06:35.639
much fresher answer than there has been in about 125 years.
117
00:06:36.519 --> 00:06:42.050
And it is absolutely material in explaining what's happening now
118
00:06:42.110 --> 00:06:46.529
to teens and adolescents, two different things, and what we
119
00:06:46.550 --> 00:06:46.990
do about it.
120
00:06:47.629 --> 00:06:49.470
That's what led me into this.
121
00:06:50.189 --> 00:06:55.389
Also, Becky, I have two adolescents and I was like, Hey,
122
00:06:55.750 --> 00:06:58.750
maybe I could learn something. But what I learned, Becky,
123
00:06:58.810 --> 00:07:02.550
fundamentally that I would love to just ground this.
124
00:07:02.490 --> 00:07:07.709
In, unless you steer me otherwise, is what adolescence is.
125
00:07:09.149 --> 00:07:12.980
And I come up with a framework synthesizing a whole
126
00:07:13.040 --> 00:07:18.519
bunch of research that I think reframes what we think
127
00:07:18.579 --> 00:07:21.639
of as adolescence. And this is what I would offer you.
128
00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:31.339
Adolescence is a process with a definitive purpose to integrate
129
00:07:31.680 --> 00:07:36.649
the known and the unknown. What is known is what
130
00:07:36.709 --> 00:07:40.910
our parents and prior generations tell us. And what is
131
00:07:41.230 --> 00:07:47.730
unknown is two things. One, what actually works in the world,
132
00:07:48.110 --> 00:07:52.410
not what we've been told as adolescents, but what actually works.
133
00:07:54.079 --> 00:07:59.699
And secondarily, what new ground might we carve out as
134
00:07:59.759 --> 00:08:04.899
a generation in an effort to survive as individuals and
135
00:08:04.990 --> 00:08:06.069
as a new generation?
136
00:08:07.649 --> 00:08:10.149
So what we've thought for.
137
00:08:10.149 --> 00:08:15.189
Decades, Becky, centuries, is that this was a period of
138
00:08:15.370 --> 00:08:20.819
almost primitive, boorish, atavistic behavior. In point of fact, It
139
00:08:20.899 --> 00:08:25.129
is an inflection point of information processing, the likes of
140
00:08:25.209 --> 00:08:27.370
which you will never go through again.
141
00:08:27.949 --> 00:08:31.689
So just, I love that big picture idea. So adolescence,
142
00:08:32.789 --> 00:08:35.590
it has a purpose, right? There's this goal. There's something
143
00:08:35.629 --> 00:08:40.580
that has to be figured out. And this integration of
144
00:08:40.620 --> 00:08:44.059
what's known and unknown, what has been given to you
145
00:08:44.879 --> 00:08:48.679
and all of the things you could explore and discover, like...
146
00:08:49.580 --> 00:08:56.240
Your body, your brain is trying to synthesize, make sense of, balance, weigh,
147
00:08:56.379 --> 00:08:58.419
figure out that equation.
148
00:08:58.919 --> 00:09:02.600
I want you to imagine that you've been given a
149
00:09:02.779 --> 00:09:09.980
user manual by your parents, except that survival is too
150
00:09:10.059 --> 00:09:14.480
delicate and fragile to merely take the word of the manual.
151
00:09:15.460 --> 00:09:20.559
You must explore and probe, by definition, are you to survive?
152
00:09:21.799 --> 00:09:24.200
May I just pop into a bit of biology for
153
00:09:24.220 --> 00:09:24.659
a second?
154
00:09:25.100 --> 00:09:25.679
I love it.
155
00:09:25.799 --> 00:09:29.570
Do more than pop in. Just wade in some biology.
156
00:09:29.919 --> 00:09:32.889
I will go ramshackle. I will drown myself in biology.
157
00:09:33.250 --> 00:09:35.909
And I will lift you out to continue the conversation.
158
00:09:35.950 --> 00:09:36.789
So you go first.
159
00:09:37.870 --> 00:09:43.509
In order to facilitate this evolution, if you will, biology...
160
00:09:44.470 --> 00:09:48.059
In order to facilitate this period of experimentation and probing,
161
00:09:49.200 --> 00:09:56.049
it sets off some hormones that prompt people to become
162
00:09:56.210 --> 00:09:58.129
hyper aware of their environment.
163
00:09:59.789 --> 00:10:02.590
Adolescence. At puberty, which we tend to think of as
164
00:10:02.610 --> 00:10:03.610
this gateway.
165
00:10:03.230 --> 00:10:06.929
To reproduction, in point of fact is this very fundamental
166
00:10:07.320 --> 00:10:08.799
neurological event.
167
00:10:10.039 --> 00:10:10.799
In which.
168
00:10:12.159 --> 00:10:16.600
A big bang of understanding suddenly the world around you
169
00:10:16.740 --> 00:10:22.789
and you become hyper attune through your hormones to people
170
00:10:23.029 --> 00:10:24.629
and things outside your home.
171
00:10:27.179 --> 00:10:28.120
I'll just give you one.
172
00:10:29.779 --> 00:10:35.759
What's fascinating today, Becky, that distinguishes this moment from all
173
00:10:35.860 --> 00:10:38.919
prior research in science is that for the first time,
174
00:10:38.970 --> 00:10:41.610
we can look under the hood of the adolescent brain.
175
00:10:42.149 --> 00:10:46.190
And for centuries, the idea was that we've watched their
176
00:10:46.210 --> 00:10:48.899
behavior and tried to reverse engineer what was going on.
177
00:10:49.710 --> 00:10:51.409
But now, by way of.
178
00:10:51.429 --> 00:10:57.159
Example, we can see the changes inside the brain that
179
00:10:57.720 --> 00:11:01.799
make people very alert at adolescence to their surroundings. And
180
00:11:01.820 --> 00:11:04.620
I'll just give you one bit of science that might
181
00:11:04.830 --> 00:11:08.649
hone in. There's a study out of Stanford called Puedischwalt,
182
00:11:09.470 --> 00:11:13.860
which sounds like a nonsense word, and it is. Stanford
183
00:11:13.899 --> 00:11:18.539
researcher puts young children and adolescents in an MRI machine
184
00:11:18.600 --> 00:11:24.139
and watches their brains and watches the brains as the
185
00:11:24.320 --> 00:11:28.179
young people hear nonsense words spoken by three different people,
186
00:11:28.559 --> 00:11:34.509
their mothers and two complete strangers. And as puberty onsets
187
00:11:34.590 --> 00:11:38.490
and the hormones set in, the young person's brain lights
188
00:11:38.870 --> 00:11:44.610
up when the stranger talks. At younger ages, it's when
189
00:11:44.649 --> 00:11:49.590
the parent talks. The reward systems of the brain have
190
00:11:49.629 --> 00:11:53.970
become hyper attuned to the environment outside the home. Why
191
00:11:54.029 --> 00:11:59.320
would this be? Because for 10, 11, 12 years, you've
192
00:11:59.340 --> 00:12:02.159
been taken care of in your home and now you
193
00:12:02.200 --> 00:12:03.549
have to survive outside of it.
194
00:12:04.080 --> 00:12:06.899
You better well understand what's going on.
195
00:12:07.600 --> 00:12:09.909
Okay, so there's so many. First of all, I'm taking
196
00:12:10.029 --> 00:12:13.450
copious notes. I'm taking copious notes. And I know, but
197
00:12:13.509 --> 00:12:15.490
I appreciate it. I'm learning so much. These are my
198
00:12:15.529 --> 00:12:18.620
favorite conversations. And I'm like, so many things are pinging
199
00:12:18.649 --> 00:12:20.720
in my brain. But the first thing that's loud is
200
00:12:20.740 --> 00:12:22.299
that I want to run by you. Because when I
201
00:12:22.320 --> 00:12:25.519
talk to parents about teens, right? And kind of what's
202
00:12:25.559 --> 00:12:27.240
going on and what they need. And everyone's like, what
203
00:12:27.259 --> 00:12:28.679
do I do about this? What do I do about this?
204
00:12:28.779 --> 00:12:31.159
And I love all the practical stuff I do. But
205
00:12:31.200 --> 00:12:34.850
to me, practical stuff without a fundamental understanding of what's
206
00:12:34.899 --> 00:12:37.529
really happening or framework is useless. It doesn't even come
207
00:12:37.570 --> 00:12:39.669
to us in the moment because we have no grounding
208
00:12:39.929 --> 00:12:43.169
to plant our strategic flags into. So one of the
209
00:12:43.190 --> 00:12:45.049
things I tell parents, and I'm wondering if this lines
210
00:12:45.350 --> 00:12:48.399
up with the biology of is like essentially for the
211
00:12:48.440 --> 00:12:50.440
first number of years of your kid's life, they live
212
00:12:50.460 --> 00:12:53.000
in your house. And obviously they leave your house, but
213
00:12:53.200 --> 00:12:55.019
proverbially they live in your house. They're so happy to
214
00:12:55.059 --> 00:12:59.269
be there. They're building up comfort. They're building up safety independence.
215
00:12:59.309 --> 00:13:03.429
We all build up our capacity to be independent by
216
00:13:03.789 --> 00:13:07.509
how comfortable we are being relatively dependent and having that base.
217
00:13:07.870 --> 00:13:10.360
And then the door opens. And one of the things
218
00:13:10.409 --> 00:13:14.559
I think happens is, right, kids in adolescence, are supposed
219
00:13:14.600 --> 00:13:18.080
to be explorers. They are supposed to travel around the
220
00:13:18.100 --> 00:13:20.919
world because you can't really learn about the customs of
221
00:13:20.960 --> 00:13:24.080
other countries if you're not there. But one of the
222
00:13:24.139 --> 00:13:27.750
things that happens in this period when kids are understandably,
223
00:13:28.019 --> 00:13:32.909
and therefore also what you're saying, biologically exploring, is as parents,
224
00:13:32.929 --> 00:13:40.309
we take it very personally. And we then have our
225
00:13:40.389 --> 00:13:45.070
own defense mechanisms. We pull away. And this is this
226
00:13:45.110 --> 00:13:47.289
whatever I say this, it makes me very sad. OK,
227
00:13:47.450 --> 00:13:52.629
like instead of our kids being explorers, they become nomads.
228
00:13:53.769 --> 00:13:57.600
And the biggest difference between an explorer and a nomad
229
00:13:57.649 --> 00:13:58.799
is whether you have a home base.
230
00:13:59.740 --> 00:14:06.019
Becky, are you a genius? That is that.
231
00:14:06.220 --> 00:14:08.659
Can I borrow the is there time to get the
232
00:14:08.720 --> 00:14:10.279
metaphor into the paperback?
233
00:14:10.960 --> 00:14:11.159
Look.
234
00:14:13.059 --> 00:14:17.559
You've said a mouthful. Can I break it down even further?
235
00:14:17.940 --> 00:14:20.860
Please. I just want to really ground what you've said
236
00:14:20.919 --> 00:14:25.850
about a framework. Our framework has been fundamentally wrong. We
237
00:14:26.509 --> 00:14:30.750
have looked at young people as causing conflict, as a
238
00:14:30.789 --> 00:14:34.269
form of rebellion, as a form of angst, as a
239
00:14:34.330 --> 00:14:35.210
form of anger.
240
00:14:35.730 --> 00:14:38.529
This is not accurate. And the reason it goes so.
241
00:14:38.470 --> 00:14:43.120
Squarely to your point is Parents cannot take this personally.
242
00:14:44.360 --> 00:14:49.340
It is where the problems arise in that relationship. There
243
00:14:49.440 --> 00:14:54.759
are two reasons parents take this personally. The first is
244
00:14:55.779 --> 00:15:00.240
we are all ourselves insecure, and it's almost like our
245
00:15:00.299 --> 00:15:03.039
kids are a version of social media saying, I hate you.
246
00:15:03.860 --> 00:15:06.379
And it's hard not to take that personally. But there's
247
00:15:06.450 --> 00:15:12.500
another reason which is really vital. Adolescence is the proverbial
248
00:15:12.720 --> 00:15:16.980
handoff moment in life's relay race. We are handing off
249
00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:22.279
some control and power to the next generation, and that
250
00:15:22.460 --> 00:15:27.600
is freaking scary. It even reminds us of our own mortality.
251
00:15:28.200 --> 00:15:31.840
So not only are we feeling personally slighted, we are
252
00:15:31.899 --> 00:15:37.019
sensing a power shift. I cannot say strongly enough, Becky,
253
00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:39.860
that we cannot take this personally. And I do get
254
00:15:39.919 --> 00:15:42.149
into this in the book. I have a bit of
255
00:15:42.190 --> 00:15:45.309
a glib phrase, which is love, lead and let go.
256
00:15:45.330 --> 00:15:50.899
But the let go part is essential. You cannot conflate
257
00:15:50.919 --> 00:15:52.279
yourself with your children.
258
00:15:52.539 --> 00:15:54.700
Well, and I guess in this like visual, because I
259
00:15:54.740 --> 00:15:56.740
find the visual helpful, my kids in my house, then
260
00:15:56.759 --> 00:15:58.870
they need to be an explorer, but they do need
261
00:15:58.879 --> 00:16:01.129
this home base to return to. And again, the time
262
00:16:01.169 --> 00:16:02.929
your adolescents want to return to your home base, let
263
00:16:02.950 --> 00:16:06.149
me just be clear, is only the inconvenient moments. You're like,
264
00:16:06.389 --> 00:16:08.700
I have been inviting my kid into my freaking house
265
00:16:09.059 --> 00:16:11.159
all day and I am exhausted and they come into
266
00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:14.580
my room at 1130 and they wake me up. And
267
00:16:14.600 --> 00:16:18.700
they're kind of like, I'm home. And you're like, I'm sleeping,
268
00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:21.759
you know? And so, and it's true. They do. They come,
269
00:16:21.820 --> 00:16:23.879
they're explorers and they're kind of like always on the
270
00:16:23.950 --> 00:16:25.970
night shift and they want to come home and you
271
00:16:25.990 --> 00:16:27.929
want to come home. But if we don't take it personally,
272
00:16:28.090 --> 00:16:29.269
it doesn't mean we have to stay up with them
273
00:16:29.309 --> 00:16:30.809
for an hour when we have a big meeting the
274
00:16:30.850 --> 00:16:33.970
next day. But your reaction is very different, right? And
275
00:16:34.009 --> 00:16:37.269
so I think though, and this goes so far in
276
00:16:37.289 --> 00:16:39.870
terms of not just adolescence, but how we prepare ourselves
277
00:16:39.909 --> 00:16:42.629
and our kids for this period. Is when our kids
278
00:16:42.669 --> 00:16:45.129
are in our house, right? Which they are, right? But
279
00:16:45.169 --> 00:16:48.570
like that time, those early years. To the degree we
280
00:16:48.610 --> 00:16:51.750
are getting our self-worth as a parent from our kids
281
00:16:52.700 --> 00:16:56.720
being a mirrored version of us. Or from the way
282
00:16:56.740 --> 00:16:59.139
they tell us all the secrets of their friends. Or
283
00:16:59.179 --> 00:17:01.259
from the way we plan all their play dates and
284
00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:03.340
make sure they're in the right classes. If we are
285
00:17:03.379 --> 00:17:09.119
getting our self-worth not from things unrelated to our kids.
286
00:17:09.640 --> 00:17:10.119
Or even.
287
00:17:10.660 --> 00:17:13.640
not from the way we are preparing our kids to
288
00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:18.140
be successful adults, but from the way they kind of
289
00:17:18.279 --> 00:17:22.269
attach to us so intensely, adolescence is going to feel
290
00:17:22.309 --> 00:17:23.130
very injurious.
291
00:17:23.970 --> 00:17:30.430
The challenges that get presented when our self-esteem is taken
292
00:17:30.490 --> 00:17:35.130
from our kids and what it winds up doing later
293
00:17:35.329 --> 00:17:39.630
on is it not only confuses us with them, but
294
00:17:39.690 --> 00:17:40.309
it makes it.
295
00:17:40.329 --> 00:17:42.690
Hard to set boundaries.
296
00:17:43.369 --> 00:17:47.759
And the reason I emphasize bound, I'd like to come back,
297
00:17:47.779 --> 00:17:50.200
I alluded to Las Vegas and I'd like to mention
298
00:17:50.220 --> 00:17:55.720
that earlier I mentioned that the adolescent brain becomes hyper-attuned
299
00:17:55.740 --> 00:17:58.240
to the environment around it. I think of it as
300
00:17:58.339 --> 00:18:03.420
like a kid just stepped into Las Vegas and there's
301
00:18:03.599 --> 00:18:06.259
bells and whistles and temptations.
302
00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:08.920
And as a parent, you're saying to.
303
00:18:08.900 --> 00:18:13.069
Them, I already told you this place is entirely fake.
304
00:18:13.589 --> 00:18:17.170
Here's the good restaurants. Here's the places you should go.
305
00:18:17.630 --> 00:18:21.190
Here's the places you shouldn't go, but they cannot take
306
00:18:21.250 --> 00:18:25.410
your word for it in that moment. So once you
307
00:18:25.430 --> 00:18:29.690
understand that framework, Let's just start with the most basic thing.
308
00:18:29.829 --> 00:18:32.490
You don't take it personally when they walk into the
309
00:18:32.549 --> 00:18:36.369
casino or the back alley because they're not doing it
310
00:18:36.450 --> 00:18:38.549
to tell you to go screw yourself or they're not
311
00:18:38.609 --> 00:18:42.380
listening to you. They're doing it because they fundamentally need
312
00:18:42.400 --> 00:18:46.359
to understand the environment on their own terms. So that's
313
00:18:46.500 --> 00:18:48.980
one thing I'd say. But the other thing I'd say,
314
00:18:49.039 --> 00:18:54.359
and this goes to boundaries. If they're in this environment,
315
00:18:54.460 --> 00:18:59.569
there are some places and spaces where that we don't
316
00:18:59.609 --> 00:19:02.910
want them to explore, but they will survive. And there
317
00:19:02.930 --> 00:19:07.529
are some places and spaces that may kill them. And
318
00:19:08.890 --> 00:19:12.829
this is where we're duty bound to set clear boundaries,
319
00:19:13.589 --> 00:19:16.720
even if it means they scream, I hate you, you
320
00:19:16.759 --> 00:19:21.720
don't understand me, because they can only survive if they
321
00:19:21.759 --> 00:19:23.019
get past the worst stuff.
322
00:19:23.259 --> 00:19:24.059
What do I mean?
323
00:19:25.089 --> 00:19:30.269
There are areas around addiction, around drinking and driving, around
324
00:19:30.349 --> 00:19:34.319
certain criminal behavior that you may not bounce back from.
325
00:19:35.940 --> 00:19:38.720
You could say to yourself as a parent, well, I
326
00:19:38.779 --> 00:19:42.420
lump those all together with missing a day of school or.
327
00:19:43.769 --> 00:19:46.769
Staying out past curfew, but they are not the same things.
328
00:19:47.970 --> 00:19:51.730
And as a parent, I would really urge you to
329
00:19:52.190 --> 00:19:55.579
set the boundaries around the important stuff and not care
330
00:19:55.640 --> 00:19:58.480
if your kid gets upset because that's your job.
331
00:20:03.539 --> 00:20:06.680
There's just something about summer that makes parents think maybe
332
00:20:06.720 --> 00:20:10.269
this is the time to finally tackle potty training. And
333
00:20:10.309 --> 00:20:11.849
if that's where you are right now, I want to
334
00:20:11.910 --> 00:20:16.809
offer a minor reframe. Potty training isn't really about the potty. Now,
335
00:20:17.349 --> 00:20:20.009
I know what you're thinking. Dr. Becky, what do you mean?
336
00:20:20.380 --> 00:20:24.579
Potty is in the name. But actually, it's really all
337
00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:28.059
about independence. See, your kid wants to do more things
338
00:20:28.119 --> 00:20:30.539
on their own. Your kid wants to build confidence and
339
00:20:30.579 --> 00:20:33.460
feel like a big kid. That's why I like Pampers
340
00:20:33.599 --> 00:20:36.730
Easy Ups. They fit and feel more like underwear than
341
00:20:36.750 --> 00:20:39.190
a diaper. so kids can practice pulling them up and
342
00:20:39.230 --> 00:20:41.769
down on their own. And those moments of, I did it,
343
00:20:42.309 --> 00:20:45.880
really matter in confidence building. They even come with Peppa
344
00:20:45.910 --> 00:20:49.140
Pig designs, which, if you have a toddler, you know
345
00:20:49.200 --> 00:20:52.440
can make almost anything more exciting. And because accidents are
346
00:20:52.519 --> 00:20:55.920
part of learning, Pampers Easy Ups are designed to protect
347
00:20:56.000 --> 00:20:58.799
day and night, which means less stress for you and
348
00:20:58.839 --> 00:21:01.569
more room to focus on helping your child learn. The
349
00:21:01.589 --> 00:21:04.170
goal isn't a perfectly dry day. The goal is to
350
00:21:04.210 --> 00:21:07.089
help your kid feel more capable. And I like that
351
00:21:07.150 --> 00:21:10.170
Pampers Easy Ups helps make room for that. Does this
352
00:21:10.190 --> 00:21:13.109
sound familiar? Your baby wants to be held, needs to
353
00:21:13.130 --> 00:21:15.990
be held, and you need to do 10 different things
354
00:21:16.029 --> 00:21:18.529
at once. You're holding your baby while also trying to
355
00:21:18.549 --> 00:21:21.250
make coffee, get breakfast ready for your older kid, answer emails,
356
00:21:21.309 --> 00:21:23.309
and all those small and big tasks to make up
357
00:21:23.329 --> 00:21:25.730
your day. And what I see with so many parents
358
00:21:25.869 --> 00:21:27.529
is that when you can stay close to your baby
359
00:21:28.170 --> 00:21:31.890
and have your hands free, everything feels a little more manageable.
360
00:21:32.589 --> 00:21:36.230
That's why I recommend Ergo Baby Carriers. Baby wearing has
361
00:21:36.369 --> 00:21:38.900
so many benefits. Babies tend to feel more settled when
362
00:21:38.920 --> 00:21:41.079
they're close to you. And that closeness can make a
363
00:21:41.099 --> 00:21:44.240
difference for parents too. But here's the key. You only
364
00:21:44.279 --> 00:21:48.410
get those benefits if your carrier actually works for your body. Otherwise,
365
00:21:48.450 --> 00:21:50.630
your back hurts and you're taking off your carrier after
366
00:21:50.769 --> 00:21:53.670
five minutes. It's why I'm a big fan of Ergo Baby.
367
00:21:54.349 --> 00:21:58.400
Ergo Baby carriers are designed to be truly ergonomic and newborn-ready.
368
00:21:58.890 --> 00:22:01.230
so you can use them comfortably from the very beginning.
369
00:22:01.690 --> 00:22:04.759
They have patented design that supports the parent by distributing
370
00:22:04.779 --> 00:22:08.220
the weight evenly for a lighter, more comfortable carry. And
371
00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:10.779
they have options for every stage, which is why so
372
00:22:10.799 --> 00:22:13.400
many parents keep using them as their baby grows and grows.
373
00:22:14.180 --> 00:22:16.049
If you think that kind of support will make your
374
00:22:16.109 --> 00:22:20.609
day-to-day that much easier, use code DRBECKY20, D-R-B-E-C-K-Y 20, for
375
00:22:20.609 --> 00:22:32.619
20% off site-wide at ergobaby.com. So a couple of things
376
00:22:32.660 --> 00:22:35.509
about that. Boundaries are my my love language. Right. And
377
00:22:35.549 --> 00:22:38.730
I think again, like and I know we haven't even
378
00:22:38.750 --> 00:22:40.349
gotten into it yet. I'm sure you will at some point.
379
00:22:40.390 --> 00:22:42.230
Everyone's like, well, how do I make sure my kid
380
00:22:42.250 --> 00:22:44.069
I don't want my kid to get a phone until
381
00:22:44.089 --> 00:22:46.490
this age and all this stuff. And I always say,
382
00:22:46.509 --> 00:22:49.519
you know, look, boundaries are a muscle. The idea that
383
00:22:49.539 --> 00:22:53.400
you're going to set your very first boundary. And tolerate
384
00:22:53.420 --> 00:22:55.670
your kid being upset with you. when they ask a phone,
385
00:22:56.450 --> 00:22:59.329
that's a joke. That's like asking a basketball player to
386
00:22:59.390 --> 00:23:01.970
make a free throw when game seven is on the line,
387
00:23:01.990 --> 00:23:04.950
when they've never made one in practice. Like that's not happening.
388
00:23:05.009 --> 00:23:07.390
So boundaries are a part of your relationship with your kid.
389
00:23:07.430 --> 00:23:09.539
In my mind, they need to be built into the fabric,
390
00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:12.059
which is, I probably have a different version. It's my
391
00:23:12.099 --> 00:23:14.619
job is to set boundaries and care about your feelings.
392
00:23:14.779 --> 00:23:16.819
By the way, the caring about your feelings does not
393
00:23:16.839 --> 00:23:19.539
mean those feelings dictate your decisions. That's the duality we've
394
00:23:19.599 --> 00:23:22.730
lost is the ability when our kids are young to
395
00:23:22.869 --> 00:23:26.589
start that with, TV time is over. It is your bedtime.
396
00:23:26.609 --> 00:23:28.289
You're not having a sleepover. No, you can't have ice
397
00:23:28.309 --> 00:23:30.710
cream for breakfast. And oh, I know you wish you could.
398
00:23:31.109 --> 00:23:33.329
It would be so yummy. No, sweetie, I am blocking
399
00:23:33.349 --> 00:23:34.910
you from going to the freezer because that's just not
400
00:23:34.930 --> 00:23:37.680
an option. Like it's warm. It's firm. And so you're
401
00:23:37.779 --> 00:23:40.140
building that into the fabric of your relationship so that
402
00:23:40.160 --> 00:23:42.980
by the time you do say this is actually a limit,
403
00:23:43.160 --> 00:23:45.740
even as you're getting older, your kid's body is kind
404
00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:48.220
of like, I am accustomed to this. Like this is
405
00:23:48.329 --> 00:23:52.009
not the first time my parent has done this.
406
00:23:52.619 --> 00:23:56.400
And Becky, can I reinforce why that's so in the
407
00:23:56.460 --> 00:23:57.329
child's interest?
408
00:23:58.069 --> 00:23:58.230
Yep.
409
00:23:58.690 --> 00:24:02.349
The world is challenging and difficult. If you actually want
410
00:24:02.369 --> 00:24:06.609
to help your kids survive, you don't mimic an environment
411
00:24:07.089 --> 00:24:12.470
where they're entitled to everything. No one calls you and says, Becky, hey,
412
00:24:12.710 --> 00:24:14.289
how would you like to have one of the top
413
00:24:14.329 --> 00:24:16.009
podcasts in the world? All you have to do is
414
00:24:16.049 --> 00:24:18.940
show up and smile. It doesn't work like that. You
415
00:24:18.980 --> 00:24:21.500
got to work your tail off. Hey, Matt, how would
416
00:24:21.539 --> 00:24:23.000
you like a job at the New York Times?
417
00:24:23.319 --> 00:24:26.160
That doesn't happen. So when we say.
418
00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:29.640
Don't go to the freezer, these are the rules. When
419
00:24:29.700 --> 00:24:32.240
you break the rules, this is what happens. It's much
420
00:24:32.319 --> 00:24:35.089
more consistent with the world around them.
421
00:24:35.569 --> 00:24:37.250
But I'm going to just jump in here because I
422
00:24:37.269 --> 00:24:40.269
think it really matters because my version is different. And
423
00:24:40.309 --> 00:24:41.630
I actually I'll say this to you because I think
424
00:24:41.670 --> 00:24:44.450
boundaries are very misunderstood. And I think people think they're
425
00:24:44.470 --> 00:24:46.079
setting a boundary when they say to their kid, don't
426
00:24:46.099 --> 00:24:48.400
go to the freezer or it's not iPad time. I
427
00:24:48.440 --> 00:24:50.970
would say those are requests. A boundary is what you
428
00:24:51.009 --> 00:24:53.559
tell your kid you will do, and it would require
429
00:24:53.619 --> 00:24:56.799
your kid to do nothing. Anytime you're requiring your kid
430
00:24:56.839 --> 00:25:00.099
to do something for you to be successful, not only
431
00:25:00.119 --> 00:25:02.150
are you not setting a boundary, you're literally giving your
432
00:25:02.190 --> 00:25:05.009
power away to your two-year-old or to your 14-year-old. So
433
00:25:05.369 --> 00:25:07.190
a boundary would be saying, I'm not letting you go
434
00:25:07.210 --> 00:25:09.109
to the freezer, and you're going to be there. And
435
00:25:09.130 --> 00:25:11.019
if you're saying, but my three-year-old is going to go
436
00:25:11.059 --> 00:25:13.019
there when I'm not there, I'm like, yeah, because they're three.
437
00:25:13.119 --> 00:25:15.440
So they would do that. So you have to figure
438
00:25:15.460 --> 00:25:17.279
this out, right? Like, I'm not going to let you
439
00:25:17.339 --> 00:25:19.480
even see your iPad if it's not your iPad time.
440
00:25:19.529 --> 00:25:21.390
How many of us are successful at not taking our
441
00:25:21.430 --> 00:25:23.269
phone when it's visible, right?
442
00:25:23.950 --> 00:25:25.769
I like how you just set a boundary with me.
443
00:25:26.029 --> 00:25:26.250
Yeah.
444
00:25:27.829 --> 00:25:29.529
I think you might have.
445
00:25:30.029 --> 00:25:31.349
I think I might have, but this is actually a
446
00:25:31.349 --> 00:25:33.170
good back and forth because it's so interesting. We're a
447
00:25:33.210 --> 00:25:35.819
good pair. You have a lot of research and, and,
448
00:25:35.920 --> 00:25:38.480
and biology in the way that's, you know, I'm aware
449
00:25:38.519 --> 00:25:40.279
of and not the thing I look into, but a
450
00:25:40.339 --> 00:25:44.200
story comes to mind that to me really, really shows
451
00:25:44.240 --> 00:25:46.150
why kids need boundaries. Okay. And I, and I think
452
00:25:46.170 --> 00:25:48.769
it's right in line. So, right. I'm in private practice.
453
00:25:48.789 --> 00:25:52.970
I'm seeing this like 16 year old who's the snarkiest,
454
00:25:53.329 --> 00:25:55.630
the snarkiest human being I've ever met. And I and
455
00:25:55.650 --> 00:25:57.150
I love it. I love a good challenge, you know,
456
00:25:57.170 --> 00:26:00.339
because under snarkiness is always pain that's just waiting to
457
00:26:00.380 --> 00:26:02.039
be seen. And she came to me after she was
458
00:26:02.079 --> 00:26:04.039
cutting for years. She was cutting her wrists.
459
00:26:04.140 --> 00:26:04.319
Right.
460
00:26:04.339 --> 00:26:06.759
She was cutting, you know, and she was really struggling.
461
00:26:07.279 --> 00:26:09.279
And I remember the very first session. I was like, OK,
462
00:26:09.299 --> 00:26:11.950
how long have you been cutting? Just two years. And
463
00:26:11.970 --> 00:26:15.049
like that two years. like such attitude. And I was like, oh, well,
464
00:26:15.369 --> 00:26:16.849
you told me this is the first time you've seen
465
00:26:16.910 --> 00:26:19.950
a therapist. She's like, it is. My parents made me come,
466
00:26:20.339 --> 00:26:22.339
you know, or something like that. And I go, well,
467
00:26:23.240 --> 00:26:25.279
have your parents known about the cutting? And she's like,
468
00:26:25.319 --> 00:26:27.779
they have. And I was like, well, why, why have
469
00:26:27.819 --> 00:26:30.569
you not seen a therapist in two years? And, and Matt,
470
00:26:30.589 --> 00:26:33.390
this is, I'll never forget. She goes, well, my parents
471
00:26:33.470 --> 00:26:35.990
tried two years ago and they, and they said, you know,
472
00:26:36.009 --> 00:26:37.369
we're going to have to see a therapist. We're worried
473
00:26:37.390 --> 00:26:39.880
about you. And I said, oh, So you're saying, okay, earmuffs,
474
00:26:39.930 --> 00:26:42.200
anyone here, you're saying I'm fucked up. You're saying I'm
475
00:26:42.359 --> 00:26:44.079
fucked up and I'm the only one who has to
476
00:26:44.099 --> 00:26:45.119
go to therapy. You know what I'm going to do?
477
00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:47.480
I'm going to go and I'm going to lie and
478
00:26:47.500 --> 00:26:49.640
I'm just going to make up stories and waste all
479
00:26:49.680 --> 00:26:51.000
of your money. You can't make me.
480
00:26:51.160 --> 00:26:51.380
Okay.
481
00:26:52.380 --> 00:26:54.500
Whenever I tell the story, my heart races. Okay. And
482
00:26:54.519 --> 00:26:58.029
then I somehow in my good therapeutic moment just knew
483
00:26:58.309 --> 00:27:01.470
to shut the F up. Becky, do not say anything.
484
00:27:01.509 --> 00:27:06.890
I just, and her entire body language changed. She looked
485
00:27:06.930 --> 00:27:11.099
to the ground like a, five-year-old and when she looked
486
00:27:11.259 --> 00:27:16.359
up at me literally what she said was can you
487
00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:19.680
believe they let me make that decision can.
488
00:27:19.599 --> 00:27:23.220
I can i um reinforce you mentioned our partnership where
489
00:27:23.359 --> 00:27:26.240
you actually do the things and i read the books
490
00:27:27.140 --> 00:27:29.579
um can i reinforce what you've just said with some
491
00:27:30.480 --> 00:27:36.329
research please So there's a lot of talk today about
492
00:27:36.990 --> 00:27:40.309
a mental health crisis, and we can quibble over the questions.
493
00:27:40.450 --> 00:27:45.119
There's no doubt young people get overwhelmed. I mentioned this
494
00:27:45.200 --> 00:27:49.920
Las Vegas environment that they're in. What is so vital
495
00:27:50.099 --> 00:27:52.940
about what you said based on the research I've looked
496
00:27:53.089 --> 00:27:54.829
at is that there are.
497
00:27:54.789 --> 00:27:58.670
Times, many of them, when.
498
00:27:59.759 --> 00:28:02.559
What we need to help an adolescent do is move
499
00:28:02.700 --> 00:28:08.319
past a period of information overload or emotional overload. And
500
00:28:08.380 --> 00:28:11.319
what you're telling that story for one purpose, but I
501
00:28:11.380 --> 00:28:14.509
hear something else in it also. I hear that you
502
00:28:14.609 --> 00:28:22.250
let that young person burst that emotional bubble. And what
503
00:28:22.309 --> 00:28:26.289
the research shows about therapy, DBT, CBT, and there's some
504
00:28:26.329 --> 00:28:29.289
other things I'll mention in a moment, is that helping
505
00:28:29.369 --> 00:28:34.289
young people get through an intense emotional moment before you
506
00:28:34.369 --> 00:28:37.490
try to engage them in the substance. Yes.
507
00:28:37.930 --> 00:28:40.640
Will let them in effect reboot their brains.
508
00:28:42.200 --> 00:28:46.920
So I can, the listener can't see, but I can
509
00:28:46.960 --> 00:28:48.319
see you and it looks like you're agreeing.
510
00:28:49.720 --> 00:28:50.039
Yes.
511
00:28:50.119 --> 00:28:53.240
I mean, I just it really, you know, I think
512
00:28:53.299 --> 00:28:58.500
the most underutilized parenting strategy in the world is. These
513
00:28:58.539 --> 00:29:02.869
are with capitals doing nothing, doing nothing on the outside.
514
00:29:03.890 --> 00:29:05.319
where everyone would say, you're just going to let your
515
00:29:05.339 --> 00:29:06.920
teen talk to you like that. You're going to do nothing.
516
00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:08.140
And what I would actually say to them if I
517
00:29:08.160 --> 00:29:10.140
was in a snarky mood is, it looks like I'm
518
00:29:10.180 --> 00:29:12.579
doing nothing. It's because I'm doing everything on the inside
519
00:29:12.619 --> 00:29:15.559
and managing my emotions. When I vomit my frustration and say,
520
00:29:15.599 --> 00:29:17.960
you can't talk to me, that looks like I'm doing something.
521
00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:20.460
I am literally a child on the inside doing nothing.
522
00:29:20.799 --> 00:29:23.539
But letting your kid finish it out, just holding it,
523
00:29:23.599 --> 00:29:25.400
letting them finish it out so they don't have to
524
00:29:25.440 --> 00:29:30.109
keep seeking more ways to finish it out, trusting, having time,
525
00:29:30.390 --> 00:29:34.660
being there, and then having a moment. And something usually
526
00:29:34.720 --> 00:29:36.640
shifts even before you have to do something.
527
00:29:37.180 --> 00:29:39.970
When when they are ready, because when they're in flames.
528
00:29:40.670 --> 00:29:44.190
that way, everyone in eighth grade hates me. You make
529
00:29:44.230 --> 00:29:47.730
that food every night. I despise you. I want to
530
00:29:47.779 --> 00:29:50.460
go to the circus or, you know, to be extreme.
531
00:29:50.480 --> 00:29:53.180
I don't know if I want to be alive. A
532
00:29:53.299 --> 00:29:57.180
lot of those are happening in such a heightened emotional state,
533
00:29:57.799 --> 00:30:00.920
such an inflamed state that trying to either reason or
534
00:30:01.000 --> 00:30:06.079
be angry only intensifies. that state and I might add
535
00:30:06.460 --> 00:30:11.640
one more bit of biology here that is important. The
536
00:30:11.740 --> 00:30:16.980
age of puberty in the year 1900 started at uh
537
00:30:16.980 --> 00:30:18.980
14 for girls and now it's down to 12 and
538
00:30:19.740 --> 00:30:22.099
we can talk about why that is but just setting
539
00:30:22.140 --> 00:30:25.660
the why aside for a second boys are roughly along
540
00:30:25.680 --> 00:30:27.380
the same lines it's hard to tell with boys because
541
00:30:27.400 --> 00:30:30.259
they don't have a menstruation which is a um the
542
00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:33.640
you know a demarcation point but why is that important
543
00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:37.970
it's important because those hormones those adolescent hormones the sensitivity
544
00:30:38.009 --> 00:30:41.589
is starting earlier It's starting earlier at a time there's
545
00:30:41.630 --> 00:30:44.549
a lot of fast information moving in the world. Remember,
546
00:30:44.609 --> 00:30:47.349
we talk about integrating the old and the new. The
547
00:30:47.390 --> 00:30:51.910
new is coming furiously quickly. So that can lead to
548
00:30:51.970 --> 00:30:57.599
these kind of heavy emotional experiences earlier and more often.
549
00:30:57.640 --> 00:31:01.380
But they don't mean your kids any crazier, if you will.
550
00:31:02.480 --> 00:31:06.180
or that everyone in eighth grade hates them. It's just
551
00:31:06.640 --> 00:31:10.380
moving into Las Vegas even earlier than your ID says.
552
00:31:12.119 --> 00:31:16.240
And I know, right, that puberty is happening earlier, but
553
00:31:16.259 --> 00:31:19.319
your prefrontal cortex is not developing earlier, right?
554
00:31:19.319 --> 00:31:21.059
100%, right.
555
00:31:22.049 --> 00:31:25.309
It's what causes the scientists in this field to speak
556
00:31:25.329 --> 00:31:29.950
of a neurological mismatch between what you're taking in And
557
00:31:29.970 --> 00:31:33.880
what you're able to process, hence these big emotional outbursts.
558
00:31:34.140 --> 00:31:35.960
But then we come in and say, don't talk to
559
00:31:35.980 --> 00:31:38.539
me that way. And the emotions go through the roof
560
00:31:38.599 --> 00:31:39.180
even more.
561
00:31:39.940 --> 00:31:41.369
And I think the don't talk to me that way
562
00:31:41.430 --> 00:31:43.450
is a version. And again, we're not, we all say that.
563
00:31:43.630 --> 00:31:45.940
And I always like to say anyone listening. You know,
564
00:31:45.960 --> 00:31:48.940
I always say at Good Inside, we're experts in imperfect parenting.
565
00:31:49.000 --> 00:31:51.509
That's what we're expert in. Everyone says, I say, don't
566
00:31:51.549 --> 00:31:52.789
talk to me that way. I can't talk to you
567
00:31:52.809 --> 00:31:54.990
right now. Whatever it is. We all say that and
568
00:31:55.009 --> 00:31:56.609
then we repair. That's the best it gets in a
569
00:31:56.650 --> 00:31:58.829
lot of moments. But when you repair and go back,
570
00:31:58.970 --> 00:32:00.210
I wish I didn't say that. I want to hear
571
00:32:00.250 --> 00:32:03.109
the end of your story. Something important was happening. This
572
00:32:03.170 --> 00:32:05.339
is what brings me back to like... you are not
573
00:32:05.380 --> 00:32:07.319
leaving your kid as a nomad. Because if they are
574
00:32:07.359 --> 00:32:10.519
a nomad navigating this time truly without a base to
575
00:32:10.559 --> 00:32:13.559
come home to, that is when they get anchorless. That
576
00:32:13.740 --> 00:32:16.920
is an anchorless experience. And when you come back, by
577
00:32:16.940 --> 00:32:18.880
the way, you're not gonna get it right the first
578
00:32:18.900 --> 00:32:20.920
time because unless you're a parent who's listening to this
579
00:32:20.960 --> 00:32:23.460
and says, you know what? Whenever I said to my parent,
580
00:32:23.880 --> 00:32:25.809
I hate you. You're the worst. I hate you. They
581
00:32:25.849 --> 00:32:29.089
were so calm and grounded, like which probably everyone listening
582
00:32:29.130 --> 00:32:31.349
is like, yeah, that's like totally not what happened in
583
00:32:31.369 --> 00:32:34.869
my childhood. Then, of course, it's not going to come naturally.
584
00:32:34.970 --> 00:32:38.269
Like what comes naturally in parenting is how you were parented.
585
00:32:38.329 --> 00:32:40.569
So often the best it gets is returning. And when
586
00:32:40.589 --> 00:32:43.200
you return to your teen, I'm sorry, I reacted that way.
587
00:32:43.480 --> 00:32:46.339
There was something important. Let's figure it out. You are
588
00:32:46.380 --> 00:32:49.220
kind of saying I am still that base. You can
589
00:32:49.259 --> 00:32:51.319
still explore, but like you are not alone.
590
00:32:52.140 --> 00:32:56.220
If I play this out, Becky, over the years, the
591
00:32:56.299 --> 00:32:59.009
reason I named this book How We Grow Up is
592
00:32:59.309 --> 00:33:02.049
I don't think the things we're talking about are expressly
593
00:33:02.250 --> 00:33:07.230
limited to adolescence. I think this is what I see
594
00:33:07.410 --> 00:33:10.849
happening broadly in society is that we're at a time
595
00:33:11.190 --> 00:33:13.170
where there is a ton of information and things are
596
00:33:13.210 --> 00:33:17.710
changing quickly. Each of us come across moments where we
597
00:33:17.750 --> 00:33:22.779
become overwhelmed and emotive and we're learning- to cope with
598
00:33:22.839 --> 00:33:26.700
a very challenging environment. The things you're describing here, Becky,
599
00:33:27.140 --> 00:33:29.359
are like the lifeblood of.
600
00:33:29.579 --> 00:33:30.920
Being able to do it later.
601
00:33:31.509 --> 00:33:34.009
And the phrase I've come up with for this is,
602
00:33:34.230 --> 00:33:37.190
I'd rather have a teen life crisis than a midlife crisis.
603
00:33:38.269 --> 00:33:42.710
Get the coping mechanisms down now, and then you can
604
00:33:42.730 --> 00:33:45.650
have those other 30 years to be happy rather than
605
00:33:45.690 --> 00:33:49.650
buying a Porsche and a mistress or mister when you're
606
00:33:49.670 --> 00:33:49.960
in your 50s.
607
00:33:50.900 --> 00:33:54.450
Yeah. And look, the version of that, that that I think,
608
00:33:54.849 --> 00:33:57.450
you know, in my language, I would say is like
609
00:33:57.630 --> 00:34:00.569
when my my kids right there, there's 18 years about
610
00:34:00.730 --> 00:34:01.509
that they'll be in my house.
611
00:34:02.109 --> 00:34:02.329
Right.
612
00:34:02.490 --> 00:34:04.599
And then I mean, hopefully then they're out. But like,
613
00:34:04.630 --> 00:34:08.099
let's say we have those 18 years. And in a way, though,
614
00:34:08.400 --> 00:34:11.719
like our kids are out of our house way longer
615
00:34:11.739 --> 00:34:14.059
than they're in our house. And the stakes only get higher.
616
00:34:14.360 --> 00:34:17.800
Every year the stakes get higher. Like my kid freaks
617
00:34:17.960 --> 00:34:20.639
out and I don't know, even like, let's say they
618
00:34:20.780 --> 00:34:24.900
cheat on a test. They plagiarize a paper at age 13.
619
00:34:24.900 --> 00:34:27.699
I promise you the version of that that manifests at
620
00:34:27.699 --> 00:34:31.349
30 is way more intense, okay? So whatever the issue is,
621
00:34:31.469 --> 00:34:34.570
my kid hits. My kid says, I hate you. Like
622
00:34:34.909 --> 00:34:37.230
I really invite parents and I think you need this
623
00:34:37.269 --> 00:34:39.530
phrase to be able to hold it. I really do
624
00:34:39.590 --> 00:34:42.760
give myself a sense of sick joy. when I have
625
00:34:42.800 --> 00:34:45.300
moments like this with my kids. I really do, okay?
626
00:34:45.559 --> 00:34:48.179
Because the sick joy is like, if I'm driven by
627
00:34:48.400 --> 00:34:52.300
impact and not instant gratification, which is hard in this
628
00:34:52.340 --> 00:34:54.090
day and age, but if I am driven by impact,
629
00:34:54.469 --> 00:34:56.630
what my kid is saying is, you have the opportunity
630
00:34:56.949 --> 00:35:00.449
to help me wire some circuitry for how to be
631
00:35:00.510 --> 00:35:04.070
resilient through this moment. Because it's true, I'm freaking out
632
00:35:04.090 --> 00:35:08.150
at age 13 that I wasn't invited to this person's
633
00:35:09.090 --> 00:35:11.449
sweet 16, okay? And I say to myself, who cares
634
00:35:11.469 --> 00:35:14.650
if it's a sweet 16? Sweet 16 situation will change,
635
00:35:14.929 --> 00:35:18.239
but that is the exact same thing as not finding
636
00:35:18.280 --> 00:35:21.760
a roommate in college, not being invited to the mom's
637
00:35:21.840 --> 00:35:24.480
coffee after drop off. It's the feeling of being left
638
00:35:24.619 --> 00:35:26.820
out and feeling less than and not knowing how to
639
00:35:26.900 --> 00:35:29.489
cope with it. Our feelings never change. And so when
640
00:35:29.530 --> 00:35:32.090
they come out in these huge ways, if you have
641
00:35:32.130 --> 00:35:33.690
a voice in your head that says, wait, I'm not
642
00:35:33.730 --> 00:35:36.829
doing something wrong. This happens to be inconvenient and hard,
643
00:35:37.349 --> 00:35:39.309
and it happens to be a moment where I could
644
00:35:39.349 --> 00:35:43.650
have massive impact. You do have like this almost kind
645
00:35:43.690 --> 00:35:52.000
of sick joy to help you reframe that moment. Does
646
00:35:52.039 --> 00:35:55.000
this sound familiar? Your baby wants to be held, needs
647
00:35:55.059 --> 00:35:57.739
to be held. And you need to do 10 different
648
00:35:57.760 --> 00:36:00.480
things at once. You're holding your baby while also trying
649
00:36:00.500 --> 00:36:02.579
to make coffee, get breakfast ready for your older kid,
650
00:36:02.699 --> 00:36:04.989
answer emails, and all those small and big tasks to
651
00:36:05.050 --> 00:36:07.170
make up your day. And what I see with so
652
00:36:07.210 --> 00:36:09.110
many parents is that when you can stay close to
653
00:36:09.150 --> 00:36:12.989
your baby and have your hands free, everything feels a
654
00:36:13.010 --> 00:36:16.829
little more manageable. That's why I recommend ergo baby carriers.
655
00:36:17.530 --> 00:36:20.190
Baby wearing has so many benefits. Babies tend to feel
656
00:36:20.230 --> 00:36:22.750
more settled when they're close to you. And that closeness
657
00:36:22.769 --> 00:36:25.510
can make a difference for parents too. But here's the key.
658
00:36:25.909 --> 00:36:28.570
You only get those benefits if your carrier actually works
659
00:36:28.630 --> 00:36:31.769
for your body. Otherwise, your back hurts and you're taking
660
00:36:31.789 --> 00:36:34.530
off your carrier after five minutes. It's why I'm a
661
00:36:34.550 --> 00:36:38.150
big fan of Ergobaby. Ergobaby carriers are designed to be
662
00:36:38.289 --> 00:36:42.250
truly ergonomic and newborn-ready, so you can use them comfortably
663
00:36:42.309 --> 00:36:45.590
from the very beginning. They have patented design that supports
664
00:36:45.630 --> 00:36:48.329
the parent by distributing the weight evenly for a lighter,
665
00:36:48.429 --> 00:36:51.719
more comfortable carry. And they have options for every stage,
666
00:36:52.090 --> 00:36:54.130
which is why so many parents keep using them as
667
00:36:54.150 --> 00:36:56.849
their baby grows and grows. If you think that kind
668
00:36:56.889 --> 00:37:00.070
of support will make your day-to-day that much easier, use
669
00:37:00.110 --> 00:37:08.019
code DRBECKY20, D-R-B-E-C-K-Y 20, for 20% off site-wide at ergobaby.com.
670
00:37:08.340 --> 00:37:11.480
There's just something about summer that makes parents think, maybe
671
00:37:11.519 --> 00:37:15.079
this is the time to finally tackle potty training. And
672
00:37:15.119 --> 00:37:16.659
if that's where you are right now, I want to
673
00:37:16.739 --> 00:37:21.579
offer a minor reframe. Potty training isn't really about the potty. Now,
674
00:37:22.150 --> 00:37:24.449
I know what you're thinking. Um, Dr. Becky, what do
675
00:37:24.489 --> 00:37:28.670
you mean? Potty is in the name. But actually, it's
676
00:37:28.829 --> 00:37:32.449
really all about independence. See, your kid wants to do
677
00:37:32.489 --> 00:37:34.630
more things on their own. Your kid wants to build
678
00:37:34.690 --> 00:37:37.409
confidence and feel like a big kid. That's why I
679
00:37:37.449 --> 00:37:40.659
like Pampers Easy Ups. They fit and feel more like
680
00:37:40.820 --> 00:37:43.760
underwear than a diaper. So kids can practice pulling them
681
00:37:43.800 --> 00:37:45.880
up and down on their own. And those moments of,
682
00:37:46.019 --> 00:37:49.889
I did it, really matter in confidence building. They even
683
00:37:49.929 --> 00:37:53.039
come with Peppa Pig designs, which, if you have a toddler,
684
00:37:53.500 --> 00:37:56.519
you know can make almost anything more exciting. And because
685
00:37:56.659 --> 00:38:00.260
accidents are part of learning, Pampers Easy Ups are designed
686
00:38:00.300 --> 00:38:02.739
to protect day and night, which means less stress for
687
00:38:02.820 --> 00:38:05.750
you and more room to focus on helping your child learn.
688
00:38:06.289 --> 00:38:08.869
The goal isn't a perfectly dry day. The goal is
689
00:38:08.889 --> 00:38:11.750
to help your kid feel more capable. And I like
690
00:38:11.769 --> 00:38:14.329
that Pampers Easy Ups helps make room for that.
691
00:38:19.989 --> 00:38:23.369
Can I ask you, Becky, when did it dawn on
692
00:38:23.429 --> 00:38:26.530
you in your own life that these are versions of
693
00:38:26.570 --> 00:38:29.730
the same thing? Was it through training or did you
694
00:38:29.809 --> 00:38:35.230
personally experience a kind of epiphany or revelation about the
695
00:38:35.389 --> 00:38:36.389
nature of emotion?
696
00:38:37.570 --> 00:38:43.039
Really good question. I mean, I think maybe part of
697
00:38:43.099 --> 00:38:46.340
it and one of the privileges I've really become acutely
698
00:38:46.420 --> 00:38:50.329
aware of from my childhood that I never knew was
699
00:38:50.369 --> 00:38:53.690
a privilege is I did have a mom. I almost
700
00:38:53.949 --> 00:38:55.030
like a shame to admit it.
701
00:38:55.070 --> 00:38:55.170
Right.
702
00:38:55.190 --> 00:38:57.190
We all have shame. I had a mom who like
703
00:38:57.510 --> 00:39:00.130
me and my friends would sit around our kitchen table
704
00:39:00.530 --> 00:39:04.750
with my mom a lot. And she was so nonjudgmental
705
00:39:04.809 --> 00:39:08.429
because she is just like this deeply curious person. And
706
00:39:08.469 --> 00:39:11.849
we would talk about things. And like, I remember in
707
00:39:11.889 --> 00:39:15.139
these moments, like, oh, like, and she'd helped me probably
708
00:39:15.159 --> 00:39:19.260
connect the dots. Like, This is like my perfectionism and
709
00:39:19.320 --> 00:39:21.159
how it came out, trying to be the best in
710
00:39:21.460 --> 00:39:24.659
my teen years. That's the same as when I, you know,
711
00:39:24.679 --> 00:39:26.670
had a hard time, you know, not making the soccer
712
00:39:26.690 --> 00:39:29.309
team in third grade. Like they're all versions of the
713
00:39:29.389 --> 00:39:33.099
same thing. and I think it's a training to realize
714
00:39:33.139 --> 00:39:35.219
that the themes in our life have nothing to do
715
00:39:35.239 --> 00:39:38.099
with on the surface and everything to do with the
716
00:39:38.179 --> 00:39:40.360
feeling and there's actually not that many feelings we have
717
00:39:40.420 --> 00:39:42.639
they're all like you know they're they're very.
718
00:39:42.480 --> 00:39:45.059
Similar Becky may I interrupt and seize on a word
719
00:39:45.099 --> 00:39:49.949
you said that um I've circled two words for myself
720
00:39:50.110 --> 00:39:54.449
in my notes about things I'd urge parents broadly to
721
00:39:54.510 --> 00:39:55.650
encourage in their kids.
722
00:39:57.650 --> 00:39:59.030
And one of them is curiosity.
723
00:39:59.630 --> 00:40:02.780
And the reason I mentioned curiosity in the nature of
724
00:40:03.280 --> 00:40:05.480
your mom in the in the story with your mom
725
00:40:06.059 --> 00:40:10.639
or more broadly is. To the extent we approach things
726
00:40:10.739 --> 00:40:15.320
as curious, they become less threatening on their face and
727
00:40:15.420 --> 00:40:20.219
our emotions don't explode. to the point where we're then
728
00:40:20.719 --> 00:40:24.699
anxious or uncomfortable. And I think one of the challenges
729
00:40:24.760 --> 00:40:28.880
that parents face and our culture faces is that we
730
00:40:28.940 --> 00:40:31.550
are very tempted to know the answer, to wanna know
731
00:40:31.590 --> 00:40:32.269
the answers to.
732
00:40:32.269 --> 00:40:34.150
Everything or feel like we have to.
733
00:40:36.250 --> 00:40:40.170
You can see this running through the media environment, the
734
00:40:40.210 --> 00:40:44.570
political environment, but in point of fact, is during this
735
00:40:44.650 --> 00:40:48.969
period when your brain is open and plastic through adolescence,
736
00:40:50.210 --> 00:40:54.489
you are going to lay down certain habits. To the
737
00:40:54.570 --> 00:40:58.670
extent as a parent you can teach curiosity, you will
738
00:40:58.730 --> 00:41:04.469
make someone adaptable, flexible, able, and more emotionally resilient. The
739
00:41:04.590 --> 00:41:06.719
other word I just want to say I circled here,
740
00:41:07.500 --> 00:41:09.079
or should I leave that aside and we'll talk about
741
00:41:09.119 --> 00:41:10.079
curiosity for a second?
742
00:41:10.949 --> 00:41:14.070
Well, to me, let's start with curiosity. To me, curiosity
743
00:41:14.110 --> 00:41:18.190
and judgment are opposites. They're inherently oppositional, right? And our brain,
744
00:41:18.570 --> 00:41:21.610
when we see behavior, whether it's I hate you, whether
745
00:41:21.639 --> 00:41:23.449
it's hitting in a kid, whether it's a kid lying
746
00:41:23.469 --> 00:41:26.400
to your face, even though they say, I didn't take money.
747
00:41:26.500 --> 00:41:28.599
And you're like, I literally have a camera in my
748
00:41:28.639 --> 00:41:30.460
bedroom and I see you taking the money from me
749
00:41:30.500 --> 00:41:34.139
to go to that concert, whatever it is. Curiosity is
750
00:41:34.260 --> 00:41:37.920
really hard because our brain likes to see something that's behavior,
751
00:41:37.960 --> 00:41:40.659
which is visible, right? And it short circuits and it
752
00:41:40.699 --> 00:41:43.099
tells us we know everything about the person. And then
753
00:41:43.139 --> 00:41:46.119
instead of having a gap between who someone is and
754
00:41:46.179 --> 00:41:48.739
what someone did, we actually have no gap. And so
755
00:41:48.780 --> 00:41:51.539
we respond to the person like they just are that behavior.
756
00:41:51.659 --> 00:41:54.320
And curiosity is the thing that breaks it down. Because
757
00:41:54.340 --> 00:41:56.400
what you said is curiosity. And I think this is
758
00:41:56.420 --> 00:42:00.110
what resilience is. It's our ability to not fully know. Oh, well,
759
00:42:00.139 --> 00:42:02.329
I wonder what was going on. I wonder. And people
760
00:42:02.369 --> 00:42:04.570
often say to me, oh, so it's okay. They stole
761
00:42:04.610 --> 00:42:04.909
the money.
762
00:42:04.989 --> 00:42:05.090
What?
763
00:42:05.869 --> 00:42:10.809
How did we get from curiosity to approval? Those are
764
00:42:10.909 --> 00:42:11.969
completely different things.
765
00:42:12.510 --> 00:42:14.500
And I would, I would, I love that the way
766
00:42:14.539 --> 00:42:16.059
you framed that. And I, it made me think of
767
00:42:16.099 --> 00:42:20.570
this phrase, judgment is a sprint. Curiosity is a marathon. Oh,
768
00:42:20.590 --> 00:42:23.230
if you want, if you want to get in.
769
00:42:25.550 --> 00:42:26.909
Love it.
770
00:42:27.010 --> 00:42:32.349
Matt, you're on fire. It's a tandem. It's a duo.
771
00:42:33.489 --> 00:42:34.219
It's good.
772
00:42:34.239 --> 00:42:34.320
Yeah.
773
00:42:34.340 --> 00:42:36.260
I want us to do like jazz hands and dance.
774
00:42:38.000 --> 00:42:40.019
If you want to get in shape, if you really
775
00:42:40.139 --> 00:42:46.719
want to be fit, you need the marathon mentality. And people,
776
00:42:47.239 --> 00:42:52.840
there's a way in which judgment versus curiosity is fundamentally
777
00:42:52.860 --> 00:42:58.630
a resource question. It's an easier resource to just come
778
00:42:58.690 --> 00:43:01.889
up with a judgment. But the problem is you will
779
00:43:01.929 --> 00:43:08.250
then spend your life spending those resources with no positive return. Yep.
780
00:43:08.309 --> 00:43:11.769
When you do the marathon, when you invest the resource
781
00:43:12.289 --> 00:43:15.610
in trying to understand what's going on, you get a
782
00:43:15.769 --> 00:43:17.429
major feedback loop later on.
783
00:43:18.269 --> 00:43:20.210
And just for everyone listening, and I think this is
784
00:43:20.250 --> 00:43:24.090
like really poignant. A lot of the reasons we jump
785
00:43:24.130 --> 00:43:26.809
to conclusions and judge our kids in their worst moments
786
00:43:27.710 --> 00:43:29.269
is a resource thing. But a lot of it is
787
00:43:29.309 --> 00:43:32.679
because if we're honest with ourselves, in our worst moments
788
00:43:32.719 --> 00:43:37.579
when we were kids, we were met with instant judgment. Like,
789
00:43:37.619 --> 00:43:43.119
so your body wired something bad on the surface. next
790
00:43:43.179 --> 00:43:45.840
to I know everything I need to know about this
791
00:43:45.889 --> 00:43:49.070
person bad thing equals bad person and then of course
792
00:43:49.110 --> 00:43:50.989
we have fear and we're treating the other person like
793
00:43:51.010 --> 00:43:52.769
the enemy and so I think there's a moment right
794
00:43:52.809 --> 00:43:55.289
now just for everyone even listening to pause because there
795
00:43:55.309 --> 00:43:56.409
can be so much judgment I do that with my
796
00:43:56.429 --> 00:43:58.329
kid oh no I'm messing up my kid just pause
797
00:43:58.349 --> 00:44:00.730
for a sec compassion is not dangerous and just say
798
00:44:00.750 --> 00:44:03.369
to yourself like I bet there's a lot of moments
799
00:44:03.389 --> 00:44:07.389
when I could have used a lot more curiosity instead
800
00:44:07.409 --> 00:44:09.699
of judgment. Like that would have been something that felt
801
00:44:10.260 --> 00:44:12.480
so good to me. And if I even do that
802
00:44:13.179 --> 00:44:15.840
one moment out of a hundred for my kid and
803
00:44:15.880 --> 00:44:19.679
repair the times I didn't, like I'm literally doing something
804
00:44:19.739 --> 00:44:23.739
probably no one's ever done in my lineage. Like literally
805
00:44:23.800 --> 00:44:26.719
I'm starting a new pattern. Wait, tell me about the
806
00:44:26.760 --> 00:44:28.139
other word. I know we're going to be announcing. What's
807
00:44:28.159 --> 00:44:29.780
the other word you circled? Let's jump into that and
808
00:44:29.800 --> 00:44:30.699
then we'll pause for now.
809
00:44:31.059 --> 00:44:33.739
The other word I want to say is coping mechanisms
810
00:44:33.800 --> 00:44:38.030
are calm. And I think if there's two things we
811
00:44:38.050 --> 00:44:41.510
could get our adolescents, our young people through adolescence with,
812
00:44:41.570 --> 00:44:46.269
it's curiosity and then a sense that the thing to
813
00:44:47.289 --> 00:44:51.110
apply that curiosity along with compassion to the way they
814
00:44:51.150 --> 00:44:56.420
process their emotions. And sometimes I think of this generation,
815
00:44:56.460 --> 00:44:58.920
but I could argue this of prior generations. I think
816
00:44:58.940 --> 00:45:03.000
of adolescence a little bit as generation rumination. It's easy
817
00:45:03.039 --> 00:45:09.599
to channel- an intense emotion into a very specific thing.
818
00:45:09.840 --> 00:45:13.920
Everyone in eighth grade hates me. Everything would be all
819
00:45:13.960 --> 00:45:17.239
right if just X or Y. But in point of fact,
820
00:45:17.719 --> 00:45:20.800
what those represent, just like you mentioned earlier, how things
821
00:45:20.840 --> 00:45:23.000
in your life were part of the same or a
822
00:45:23.039 --> 00:45:25.559
piece of the same thing. In a lot of ways,
823
00:45:25.980 --> 00:45:29.820
those ruminations, that intensity is an outgrowth of a really
824
00:45:30.869 --> 00:45:34.449
overwhelming emotional period. And to the extent that we can
825
00:45:34.570 --> 00:45:40.110
teach our young people how to work through those emotional
826
00:45:40.170 --> 00:45:45.760
periods without having the conversation with themselves, does everyone in
827
00:45:45.840 --> 00:45:48.000
eighth grade hate me?
828
00:45:48.500 --> 00:45:51.159
So earlier, we talked about this idea that.
829
00:45:51.079 --> 00:45:53.449
You wouldn't have the conversation, does everyone in eighth grade
830
00:45:53.489 --> 00:45:57.829
hate me, until they were over the emotional hump. Similarly,
831
00:45:58.289 --> 00:46:01.800
could we teach young people to get over the emotional
832
00:46:01.840 --> 00:46:05.800
hump and then have the conversation with themselves? Oh, wait,
833
00:46:06.559 --> 00:46:09.139
I'm not in a heightened emotional state. I don't actually
834
00:46:09.199 --> 00:46:13.130
believe everyone in eighth grade hates me.
835
00:46:13.409 --> 00:46:17.889
Can I give you a crazy personal example from yesterday? Sure.
836
00:46:18.530 --> 00:46:21.530
I was coming on this podcast this morning, and I
837
00:46:21.590 --> 00:46:23.670
am aware that that makes me a little bit nervous
838
00:46:23.730 --> 00:46:27.320
and anxious. I've thought about this stuff forever, but nonetheless,
839
00:46:27.980 --> 00:46:30.940
I know myself well enough that there's some performance here
840
00:46:31.480 --> 00:46:34.469
and some challenge here. And I got mad at our
841
00:46:34.530 --> 00:46:40.130
electrician yesterday. Yep. And I was walking with my wife
842
00:46:40.250 --> 00:46:42.429
afterwards and I was like, I'm not actually.
843
00:46:42.150 --> 00:46:44.650
Mad at Ben remotely. I love Ben.
844
00:46:45.739 --> 00:46:47.559
I know that tomorrow morning I'm going to get up
845
00:46:47.619 --> 00:46:50.090
and get on with Becky. And I really want to
846
00:46:50.170 --> 00:46:53.690
honor this work I've done and her show and not
847
00:46:53.710 --> 00:46:57.510
make a fool of myself. And so last night I
848
00:46:58.269 --> 00:47:01.409
got into bed and my wife came into bed and
849
00:47:01.429 --> 00:47:04.780
I'd already understood this mechanism was at work. And she's like, hey,
850
00:47:04.800 --> 00:47:08.440
can we do this on Sunday? And I found myself
851
00:47:08.480 --> 00:47:11.699
getting mad. And I said, I love you, Meredith. I
852
00:47:11.780 --> 00:47:15.679
cannot process that information right now. This is something I've
853
00:47:15.699 --> 00:47:19.800
just got to go through and cope with. And after
854
00:47:19.920 --> 00:47:24.119
like roughly around noon Eastern tomorrow, we can talk about
855
00:47:24.159 --> 00:47:24.739
whatever you want.
856
00:47:25.320 --> 00:47:26.960
And she was like, I feel you. Yeah.
857
00:47:27.860 --> 00:47:31.500
And look, I think that example, first of all, thank
858
00:47:31.519 --> 00:47:35.530
you for sharing that. And again, I think. sometimes the
859
00:47:35.570 --> 00:47:38.320
best it gets is realizing after. That is like, wait,
860
00:47:38.420 --> 00:47:39.980
I think I took that out of my electrician. That's
861
00:47:40.019 --> 00:47:42.340
probably a me thing. And again, it's just being curious.
862
00:47:42.360 --> 00:47:43.400
I wonder what was going on for me.
863
00:47:43.599 --> 00:47:45.920
To be clear, I did not actually get mad at
864
00:47:45.980 --> 00:47:48.239
the electrician. I felt some frustration.
865
00:47:48.260 --> 00:47:50.849
I really do. Ben, I'm sorry.
866
00:47:50.869 --> 00:47:53.349
We all love Ben. Ben seems wonderful.
867
00:47:53.409 --> 00:47:53.769
Good dude.
868
00:47:54.090 --> 00:47:58.010
Need his name and number. But I think that that's
869
00:47:58.070 --> 00:48:01.900
exactly right. And just the thing I think we underestimate
870
00:48:01.920 --> 00:48:03.599
when we talk about coping, and we're going to, I
871
00:48:03.639 --> 00:48:06.059
know this could be its own, this is in some
872
00:48:06.079 --> 00:48:07.780
ways its own episode. I feel like actually this is
873
00:48:07.840 --> 00:48:10.019
the Good Inside platform. So it's not even to say
874
00:48:10.039 --> 00:48:14.150
it's an episode. There is no better coping strategy you
875
00:48:14.269 --> 00:48:18.050
can teach your kid than your ability to tolerate the
876
00:48:18.110 --> 00:48:21.550
things they can't tolerate. Kids learn emotion regulation. You can
877
00:48:21.590 --> 00:48:25.599
teach your kid breathing skills. And if we can't, be
878
00:48:25.659 --> 00:48:28.400
with our kids in their hard times, it won't land.
879
00:48:28.480 --> 00:48:32.360
They learn that through we are relational beings. Now, that
880
00:48:32.400 --> 00:48:34.300
can feel like a lot of pressure. I think about
881
00:48:34.320 --> 00:48:38.389
that as what an amazing opportunity. Wait, I also struggle
882
00:48:38.650 --> 00:48:42.369
when there's uncertainty. I can build my own coping skills
883
00:48:42.409 --> 00:48:44.489
that can help me as an adult while it helps
884
00:48:44.550 --> 00:48:46.929
my kid and knowing I'm never going to be perfect
885
00:48:47.010 --> 00:48:49.190
and I always have repair in my back pocket. Like
886
00:48:49.230 --> 00:48:51.449
that's a lot of bang for your buck in my mind.
887
00:48:51.989 --> 00:48:53.639
I would also put it another way.
888
00:48:53.719 --> 00:48:58.469
I tend to think of adolescents as startups and we
889
00:48:58.530 --> 00:49:02.530
are people who have been through we've gone public yeah
890
00:49:02.730 --> 00:49:08.860
and the thing is that those startups will upend us
891
00:49:08.940 --> 00:49:13.719
in some way and so we are we are they
892
00:49:13.800 --> 00:49:15.690
are that we are trying to tell them what we
893
00:49:15.730 --> 00:49:19.449
know while feeling a little threatened by them they're very
894
00:49:19.530 --> 00:49:24.130
clumsy startups, but they're vital to our collective survival.
895
00:49:25.590 --> 00:49:29.789
And if we allow it, I think, right, like we
896
00:49:29.889 --> 00:49:33.079
all can. probably unconsciously think parenting is going to heal
897
00:49:33.179 --> 00:49:36.130
us and parenting triggers us. Our kids tell us everything
898
00:49:36.170 --> 00:49:38.269
we still need to work on in ourselves. And so, yes,
899
00:49:38.289 --> 00:49:39.539
when you're like, I don't know if I know what
900
00:49:39.559 --> 00:49:42.900
I'm doing, your kids will reveal. the stuff that you
901
00:49:42.920 --> 00:49:45.559
need to work on for me too, you know? And
902
00:49:45.699 --> 00:49:47.559
if we see that as an opportunity, and again, if
903
00:49:47.599 --> 00:49:49.739
we think about even that as a marathon, okay, I
904
00:49:49.760 --> 00:49:51.820
don't have to know all the things yet. You know,
905
00:49:51.840 --> 00:49:53.500
there's a little fake it till you make it, but
906
00:49:53.519 --> 00:49:57.179
I think actually we're talking about parents having resources, having education,
907
00:49:57.579 --> 00:49:59.050
and feeling like they don't have to be perfect all
908
00:49:59.090 --> 00:50:01.590
the time. And I think that like adolescents, if there's
909
00:50:01.610 --> 00:50:05.889
a group of kids who see through fakeness, it's adolescents.
910
00:50:05.989 --> 00:50:08.869
And so they know, you know? And so I guess
911
00:50:08.889 --> 00:50:12.099
my message to parents is look, Like it is okay
912
00:50:12.639 --> 00:50:15.360
that parts of parenting, lots of stages feel hard. I
913
00:50:15.719 --> 00:50:18.349
would say it feels hard because it is hard. And
914
00:50:18.469 --> 00:50:21.409
you can take this opportunity as your own marathon, not
915
00:50:21.429 --> 00:50:22.849
in a way that you have to sprint it, but
916
00:50:22.869 --> 00:50:25.349
like little by little. What if every week you learn
917
00:50:25.489 --> 00:50:28.150
one thing that makes you feel a little sturdier, helps
918
00:50:28.170 --> 00:50:30.389
you feel more connected to your kid, helps you feel
919
00:50:30.409 --> 00:50:33.469
like you're building their confidence without losing yourself. One thing
920
00:50:33.510 --> 00:50:35.349
a week, right? We all know that graph. You get
921
00:50:35.349 --> 00:50:37.269
1% better a day. 365 days later, that 1% is compounding.
922
00:50:37.309 --> 00:50:42.760
And I think that's you know, that's what I believe
923
00:50:42.800 --> 00:50:46.369
is really possible for every single parent. On that hopeful note,
924
00:50:47.570 --> 00:50:51.449
this has been an amazing conversation. Not only do I
925
00:50:51.449 --> 00:50:53.550
have the name of an electrician I'm going to contact,
926
00:50:53.590 --> 00:50:56.269
which has been very useful. Um, I've learned a lot.
927
00:50:56.389 --> 00:50:59.159
I've taken a lot of notes and without a doubt,
928
00:50:59.280 --> 00:51:01.679
I'm going to be contacting you for some follow-up conversations.
929
00:51:01.760 --> 00:51:02.679
So this was awesome.
930
00:51:03.239 --> 00:51:07.239
Just a huge thanks for having me on. And I,
931
00:51:07.420 --> 00:51:12.730
I feel like, um, I also learned some stuff that
932
00:51:12.849 --> 00:51:17.869
I will integrate into my talks, will not take credit for,
933
00:51:17.889 --> 00:51:21.440
and then we'll quote you explicitly in the paperback.
934
00:51:22.460 --> 00:51:26.119
Well, right back at you. So thank you. This is
935
00:51:26.139 --> 00:51:28.400
so valuable. And I will really say until we talk again.
936
00:51:28.900 --> 00:51:29.960
Thank you. Really appreciate it.
937
00:51:30.539 --> 00:51:34.829
I have to say that I absolutely loved this conversation
938
00:51:35.489 --> 00:51:37.210
and I'm going to make an assumption. I don't know
939
00:51:37.250 --> 00:51:41.659
if it's right, but you did too. This kind of
940
00:51:42.000 --> 00:51:46.409
visual metaphor of whether our older kids feel like a
941
00:51:46.550 --> 00:51:52.590
nomad or an explorer, to me, it really does hit
942
00:51:52.630 --> 00:51:54.809
my heart and almost brings me to tears thinking about
943
00:51:54.829 --> 00:51:58.239
that difference. I really feel like I'm not doing my
944
00:51:58.280 --> 00:52:01.539
job if I don't let you know about how to
945
00:52:01.599 --> 00:52:05.690
take that metaphor and And turn it into the day-to-day interactions. Like, well,
946
00:52:05.730 --> 00:52:07.769
what does that mean about setting curfew? What does that
947
00:52:07.869 --> 00:52:10.849
mean when my kid wants social media and I don't
948
00:52:10.869 --> 00:52:13.130
know what to do? What about when my kid is
949
00:52:13.309 --> 00:52:15.369
on a text chain that I find out about that
950
00:52:15.389 --> 00:52:17.590
they weren't even supposed to be on and really awful
951
00:52:17.630 --> 00:52:20.690
things were happening? No matter what you're thinking, I promise you,
952
00:52:21.929 --> 00:52:24.210
we can help you through it. So many people don't
953
00:52:24.250 --> 00:52:27.110
know in our app, we have so much for teens,
954
00:52:27.130 --> 00:52:30.920
that whole nomad versus explorer idea. That's our framework. And
955
00:52:30.960 --> 00:52:34.960
we bring it to life with every very real moment
956
00:52:35.000 --> 00:52:37.539
that I promise you, I am not afraid to name
957
00:52:37.920 --> 00:52:41.559
and talk about. And so if you're interested and you're
958
00:52:41.619 --> 00:52:43.860
ready for that next step to go a little deeper
959
00:52:43.900 --> 00:52:47.889
into the practical day-to-day stuff, I hope you check out goodinside.com
960
00:52:47.969 --> 00:52:50.630
and jump in. I'm so excited for the relief and
961
00:52:50.670 --> 00:53:01.679
hope you're about to feel. You know that feeling when
962
00:53:01.699 --> 00:53:04.510
your brain is at full capacity, right? I mean, you
963
00:53:04.530 --> 00:53:06.389
have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a
964
00:53:06.429 --> 00:53:09.010
birthday party invitation on the fridge, and your kid just
965
00:53:09.050 --> 00:53:11.230
texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention
966
00:53:11.269 --> 00:53:15.190
until that moment, and you just cannot remember one more thing.
967
00:53:16.949 --> 00:53:20.250
That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital
968
00:53:20.309 --> 00:53:23.159
smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to
969
00:53:23.199 --> 00:53:25.900
help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead.
970
00:53:26.380 --> 00:53:29.539
And I really love the Tasks feature. which is designed
971
00:53:29.559 --> 00:53:32.739
to help your kid build routines around things like homework
972
00:53:32.840 --> 00:53:36.679
and chores. And when your kid can do those things independently,
973
00:53:37.280 --> 00:53:40.380
it's a huge win for everyone in the family. Skylight
974
00:53:40.400 --> 00:53:43.440
Calendar is so much more than just a calendar. It's
975
00:53:43.460 --> 00:53:46.059
something you can add to your routine to help your
976
00:53:46.159 --> 00:53:49.559
family work together. And right now, Skylight is offering our
977
00:53:49.599 --> 00:53:54.900
listeners $ 30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com
978
00:53:55.199 --> 00:54:04.150
slash Becky. That's M-Y- S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T dot com slash B-E-C-K-Y for
979
00:54:04.150 --> 00:54:09.070
$ 30 off your 15-inch calendar. MySkylight.com slash Becky. You know,
980
00:54:09.130 --> 00:54:11.969
parents carry a lot. In fact, data show that most
981
00:54:12.010 --> 00:54:16.329
parents spend every waking hour caring for someone else. So
982
00:54:16.349 --> 00:54:19.570
if you feel exhausted and stretched thin, you're not alone,
983
00:54:19.690 --> 00:54:22.250
and that makes sense. And look, I also know from
984
00:54:22.309 --> 00:54:25.590
experience what a relief it is to find caregiving support.
985
00:54:26.170 --> 00:54:29.360
Finding a babysitter you trust and your kids will have
986
00:54:29.619 --> 00:54:32.639
fun with, that makes it so much easier to go
987
00:54:32.679 --> 00:54:36.340
back to work or travel or, yeah, even go on
988
00:54:36.719 --> 00:54:40.159
one date with your partner. Care.com makes it easier to
989
00:54:40.199 --> 00:54:44.969
find trusted, background-checked caregivers with search and hiring tools you
990
00:54:45.010 --> 00:54:48.150
won't find on social media. Whether you need full-time help
991
00:54:48.690 --> 00:54:52.889
or just part-time help with morning drop-off or after-school care, Care.com
992
00:54:52.909 --> 00:54:55.849
can help you find nannies, sitters, and daycares. And you
993
00:54:55.869 --> 00:54:59.570
can find the expertise that matters to you Think homework help,
994
00:54:59.789 --> 00:55:03.869
CPR training, or experience with multiple kids. And if you're
995
00:55:03.909 --> 00:55:07.739
considering daycare, you can search, compare, and request tours and
996
00:55:07.820 --> 00:55:12.019
could even get a discount on daycare tuition as a Care.com member.
997
00:55:12.619 --> 00:55:15.239
If you need more support, Care.com can help. For a
998
00:55:15.300 --> 00:55:18.510
limited time, you can use the code BECKY35 to save
999
00:55:18.510 --> 00:55:21.269
35% on a Care.com membership. When it's not you, it's Care.com.