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00:00:00.719Welcome friends.
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00:00:03.600Welcome to our good friend Strand Families podcast.
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00:00:04.959I'm Angela.
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00:00:06.559And I'm Anna.
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00:00:14.080And this is our podcast session titled Don't Start With How Is Your Day.
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00:00:19.760We love this one bitter back to school check-ins for real families, real families.
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00:00:22.239Anna, this is so good.
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00:00:28.079This is this is great because right now, as we're recording this, folks are getting ready for back to school.
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00:00:43.359Friends, whether you are in a back to school situation or you're not in a back to school situation, this is a great way to give parents practical ways to reconnect with kids once they get home from school and really get beyond that sort of one-word answers.
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00:00:46.560And as kids get older, sometimes we feel like we're interrogated.
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00:00:50.000Just to get or they feel like they're we're interrogated.
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00:00:59.600But our whole idea right now is we want to give you some really good tools to continue to connect with your kids.
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00:01:08.000This is a time, especially as kids are getting a little bit older, that they actually need us in ways they haven't needed us before.
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00:01:13.519And that's a real problem for them because they're pulling back, leaning in at the same time.
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00:01:20.560They just don't realize that they need still so much support because everybody tells them they don't.
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00:01:23.519Oh, come on, you're growing up, you can make these decisions.
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00:01:34.400But really strong families actually think through what are the things that kids are going to need in the in not only their elementary but their middle and then their high school years.
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00:01:41.439And this is one of the things that we often do have to do, and sometimes it's a little uncomfortable.
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00:01:44.480But I want to talk really quickly about this, Anna.
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00:01:47.840I'm so excited to relate this to our lives.
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00:01:52.000This is one of those areas where it's so clear that your life and my life is so different.
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00:02:06.480In that I travel a lot for work, but then when I am working and I am home, I'm generally in my office in my actual home office, which is like a little converted bedroom.
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00:02:12.879But when I'm in the office, it is office work time, and I'm totally focused on that.
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00:02:18.960But parents do this kind of transition just like our kids do when they come home from school.
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00:02:24.400And say, You and I had this conversation about what's it like when I come home from work.
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00:02:31.840Really, for me, I do a couple of ritual things to tell myself I'm transitioning from work to home life.
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00:02:34.879And so our kids can also do that as well.
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00:02:35.759What about you?
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00:02:44.960You have kids, so you actually still have kids that are at home and are like being they're still in their teens, being actively parented.
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00:02:46.400Did they have rituals?
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00:02:47.439Do you have rituals?
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00:02:49.520And your husband has rituals.
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00:02:58.080Well, I think this is gonna also be a new phase for us because this is the first year that our youngest is gonna be going to public school.
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00:03:06.800And so, homeschooling, yes, you can still have transitions that would probably be very similar to your end of the day, end of the work day at home, right?
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00:03:07.759Okay, we need to clean up.
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00:03:10.800We have cubbies where they put their school work and they put that away.
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00:03:14.400And it's this part of the day is over, this part of the day is starting.
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00:03:31.919But it'll be interesting to see, and this is also helping me plot out okay, how can I help my son who is gone to some in-person classes a couple of days a week here and there, but for a couple of hours to five days a week, being gone six, seven hours a day.
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00:03:34.639What how can I best support him?
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00:03:38.000Because he doesn't even really know what he's gonna need yet.
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00:03:44.560So I think some of it's gonna be trial and error, but I always try to talk through, hey, these are some things that might help.
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00:03:50.159Let's try them out and see what helps the most and which feels the best for you.
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00:03:54.159And then I can say, okay, let's we're gonna do that.
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00:03:58.479And I'm not gonna bombard you or I'm not gonna interrogate you when you get in the criticism.
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00:04:00.000I love the word to the door.
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00:04:00.960I promise I wouldn't.
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00:04:04.000Well, I think it's hilarious too, because my husband's a detective.
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00:04:06.159So that's pretty good.
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00:04:09.840Well, this is interesting because friends, we're gonna give you three.
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00:04:20.800We we love this idea as parent educators that one of the things we've talked about for years is that raising our families as friends, we've always had each other.
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00:04:30.720And so we've always had a friend we get bounced this off of, but we're also parent educators, and so we want to give you real skills to walk out the door with.
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00:04:39.920And so we're actually gonna give you three skills that you can use so that you open up that conversation a little bit more, especially as they get a little bit older.
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00:04:42.079You want to keep that connection with them.
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00:04:43.519So we're gonna give you three skills.
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00:04:52.480The first one we're gonna call create a transition window or a reset routine or something like that.
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00:04:53.360This is a good one.
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00:05:02.399This is a sort of the short predictable transition between when they get home from school and your next set of expert their expectations.
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00:05:07.199And let me ask you this because I'm we're gonna talk about something controversial right now.
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00:05:25.199I can remember in our first few years of being parenting facilitators, parenting coaches, that all of the content I looked at said when kids come home from school, you should have a place for them to do their homework, and that's the first thing they should do.
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00:05:26.160Do you remember that?
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00:05:28.079Did you that when you were?
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00:05:30.560I definitely heard that before.
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00:05:36.560As a family who has homeschooled for the last 10, that hasn't really been an issue for us.
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00:05:41.040And they they had in-person classes that they would go to, and so obviously they would have homework for that.
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00:05:44.079And now the girls are in college and they manage that.
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00:05:48.399They're they're much better at time management now as they're young adults.
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00:06:13.680But I am thinking again as I'm plotting out how this school year is gonna be for our family that it's been a while, and so I'm like, I can only imagine that would go over horribly if I was like, you've literally been doing school work for six hours and come home and do more right now, and you can't do anything else until it's done.
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00:06:29.839And I will say, my husband, or not my husband, my son intends to play sports, and so I can imagine that there's times or days of the week where it's like, this is the only window that you have for homework, so kind of suck it up and get it done right now.
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00:06:30.800Yeah, no, I see that.
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00:06:34.959But as a norm, like, I know I would hate that.
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00:06:39.360So I think that having this like little reset of okay, that was school.
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00:06:40.399Now you're home.
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00:06:46.480What do you need to like decompress or to just shake off the day?
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00:06:52.639And at some point, we are going to have to get your homework done, but let's give you some time.
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00:06:56.959And obviously, I think that the key is to not let time get away from you.
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00:07:15.680I think whatever amount of reset time or transition time that we give, it's probably a good idea to have a time reference of, hey, at this time of the day, you need to start your homework, or depending on what your family like dinner time is and how old your kid is, it may be before or after dinner, whatever.
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00:07:19.199Obviously, like your kids have earlier bedtimes and all those things.
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00:07:26.079So it's really this is a time as a family, as parents, to think out those things and hey, what does our day look like?
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00:07:27.600And when do we need to have dinner?
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00:07:29.839When do we need to have bedtime?
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00:07:35.199So if bedtime starts at this time and dinner is at this time, when do you get your where can we fill it in?
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00:07:39.759Well, and we'll offer the same things that we've been talking about, this kind of stuff for years.
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00:07:52.319Like if you greet them at the door, get make sure that there's food or water available, something to eat or something or drink, maybe like their transition is like changing clothes or some kind of movement, sport, a game.
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00:07:56.319Maybe they like quiet or maybe they like to play music or whatever.
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00:08:04.000But here's the controversial thing: do you allow things like video games, phone time?
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00:08:05.680Where do you land on that?
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00:08:12.399I feel like I'm like a new parent in this field because I we it it's gonna be so different for us.
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00:08:19.199I don't know that we have all those answers yet, but I'm gonna have to get them figured out in two weeks.
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00:08:20.800So I don't know yet.
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00:08:26.399Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you where I land, and you could tell me you could tell me how it works out for you.
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00:08:29.199I am okay with video games.
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00:08:34.320Yeah, I'm okay with phone time, I'm okay and phone time meaning games on their phone or whatever.
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00:08:37.759Yeah, but I'm okay with video games, and I'll tell you why.
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00:08:49.279To me, I know a lot of parents, and listen, if this is you as a parent, please do not take what we're saying as that is the gospel truth, and Angela and Aaron's the only way to do it.
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00:08:53.279No, but I'm saying there is a freedom in deciding.
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00:09:03.679And for me, if you have a set time when they're done, and they have they know the set time, and they can stick by the set time.
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00:09:10.159For example, they want to do 30 minutes of video games playing with their friends all around on a video game as soon as they get home.
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00:09:11.679I'm actually okay with that.
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00:09:18.960But as long as they're sticking with that end time, it doesn't matter to me how they decompress as long as they decompress.
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00:09:23.440So I know we may get a little pushback on that, and that's okay.
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00:09:26.639You get to decide for your own family what that looks like.
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00:09:37.600But I think going back to what you're saying is we don't always, you're not gonna always know, but I think sometimes what happens is parents are like, well, I need to talk to them and find out how their day went.
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00:09:38.720And we want that.
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00:09:42.879We started this out by saying that's what we want to do is communicate with our kids.
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00:09:48.159But I think the very first thing we have to have is some kind of a reset routine when they get home.
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00:09:54.159Just like you or me or anybody else, they don't want to start being grilled as soon as they walk in the door.
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00:09:56.159Absolutely, absolutely.
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00:10:03.919I also need a snack, like I was gonna say, I was thinking about when my girls come home from work.
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00:10:09.679It's like food and changing clothes are like sometimes they're trying to do both at the same time.
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00:10:15.360Like they're just like, I need to take off my work day and get home.
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00:10:26.000In fact, I have one specifically who she'll they have worked or whatever, and she'll come home and she'll spend a little bit of time and then she'll go, I need some time in my bed.
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00:10:29.279She'll go and reset in her bed.
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00:10:29.840Yes.
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00:10:31.200And I think that's perfect.
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00:10:32.480I think that's absolutely perfect.
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00:10:38.960I think there's a big distinction between, especially as they're getting older, giving them the independence to make those decisions.
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00:10:40.080What do you need?
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00:10:51.039And then also realizing that if they aren't, if they aren't, if you do have a homework time and it has to get started or whatever, that still have to follow up with that.
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00:10:51.840You know what I mean?
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00:10:57.919Like we as parenting adults also know they need a little independence, they need to be able to make some choices, but we need to follow up with that.
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00:10:58.720All right.
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00:10:59.840All right.
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00:11:02.879I just want to make a couple of points on that one.
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00:11:08.080We don't need to turn that into a big lecture, but I wanted to give you a little bit of information.
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00:11:10.480We always talk about the research.
00:11:10.799 -->
00:11:21.200Harvard Center on the Developing Child emphasizes that responsive back and forth interactions with caring adults help build communication, emotional, and social capacities.
00:11:21.279 -->
00:11:25.759And that's really important because we do need to connect with them.
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00:11:35.120We cannot let them go to their room at the and then we had one parent, one of our classes, the daughter would come over to school, go to her room, she would not come out for dinner.
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00:11:38.399The mom would just bring her and she would just put food in there.
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00:11:43.679And when I was chatting with her about it, she said, Well, she won't come out, she won't eat if I don't put food in there.
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00:11:46.399Do you need to build communication with them?
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00:11:51.840We do need to help them build communication, emotional, and social uh capacities.
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00:11:54.559So we are gonna have to work on that.
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00:11:59.600So um, we can't let them just come home, go in their rooms and be in there the rest of the night.
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00:12:02.480We are gonna have to um continue to parent.
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00:12:11.039I also I also love that concept of like instead of starting off with a question, start with a greeting, like, hey, I'm really glad to see you, or I'm really glad to help.
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00:12:12.320Yes.
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00:12:14.639You know, do you want food?
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00:12:16.559Do you need like what do you need first?
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00:12:18.240Food or whatever.
00:12:18.320 -->
00:12:27.360And then also letting them know, hey, I'm gonna give you this time to like, you know, chill, and then I'm gonna check in with you at this time and we're gonna see what your homework looks like for the day.
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00:12:32.320100% a better way to go about it instead of like, when do you want to start your homework?
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00:12:37.440No, we're gonna we're gonna check in at four and we're gonna see what we need to get done before dinner, etc.
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00:12:37.840etc.
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00:12:39.120Exactly.
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00:12:45.200And actually, the younger they are when you start this, the easier it is as they get older because it sets the standard.
00:12:46.000 -->
00:12:50.960Or even saying, like, do you want to talk now or later or like at a different time?
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00:12:57.200Giving them again, giving them choice and power is also goes a long way at any time.
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00:13:00.639And you didn't give them the chance, you didn't give them the option not to talk.
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00:13:04.000Do you want to talk about now or do you want to check in later?
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00:13:04.879I love that.
00:13:05.039 -->
00:13:05.600I love that.
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00:13:06.559I love that.
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00:13:07.200All right.
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00:13:08.320So that's number one.
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00:13:09.840What about number two?
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00:13:11.440So we said the first skill.
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00:13:12.799We already talked about the first skill.
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00:13:14.480What's our second skill?
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00:13:18.799So again, like having a good conversation starter.
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00:13:25.759I always think of it as like an open-ended question, um, not something that they can just say, yes, no, good.
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00:13:28.720However, good, bad, right?
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00:13:33.440Like we don't ask, and we're like, why did they answer with yes and no?
00:13:33.679 -->
00:13:34.720Because that's the answer.
00:13:35.519 -->
00:13:48.559And I think we're actually gonna have some resources and we have some lists of questions and some that are catered to younger kids and some that are more for like older children or teenagers, some conversation starters, I think is a better way to say it.
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00:13:56.080And so I think that is something that like I know I feel like I'm constantly like saying, I need better questions.
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00:13:59.600Like, I need like to I always want to communicate better, I should say.
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00:14:05.039I feel like I've learned so much, but I always feel like I could do better.
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00:14:18.240So we actually have like we'll put this list by the way in our show notes, but we'll also put this list on our deltaprevention.org website so you can download it because we actually have a really good list here.
00:14:18.639 -->
00:14:23.600And I think some other formats like no, some people have done this consistently at like their family dinners.
00:14:23.840 -->
00:14:25.440Some people will call it like high low.
00:14:25.600 -->
00:14:27.919So, like, what was the high, like the best part of your day?
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00:14:29.840What was something that wasn't that great?
00:14:30.080 -->
00:14:33.039Or some people call it rose thorn bud.
00:14:33.279 -->
00:14:36.879So, like something good, something difficult, something you are looking forward to.
00:14:37.120 -->
00:14:40.320And even the parents, like you're also gonna be answering this.
00:14:40.399 -->
00:14:47.120And so it just makes it more again, less interrogative, but more open-ended conversation.
00:14:47.360 -->
00:14:50.320And everybody is just communicating.
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00:15:00.240Listen, I'm gonna ask you this though, because sometimes when we give people these questions they'll or like this, these statements they'll push back that doesn't feel real to me.
00:15:00.480 -->
00:15:03.039And I just want to give a little bit of a caveat.
00:15:03.360 -->
00:15:09.600Every time we teach a new skill to families, it is gonna feel unnatural because you haven't tried it before.
00:15:09.759 -->
00:15:10.320You know what I mean?
00:15:10.559 -->
00:15:10.960Absolutely.
00:15:11.279 -->
00:15:24.159We have to have a little bit of that, but then on the other hand, you and I have to realize people don't always talk the way we talk or the way the source says they should talk, or communication skills are supposed to be, or whatever.
00:15:24.399 -->
00:15:31.519So when you were looking at those, like what are the things, what are some things that would feel like totally unnatural?
00:15:31.759 -->
00:15:35.679It would feel unnatural to me to say, what was your Rosenthorn today?
00:15:35.840 -->
00:15:41.039That would feel but I could see myself saying what was really great about today and what really stunk about it.
00:15:41.279 -->
00:15:45.679So one of the questions is what took the most energy today.
00:15:46.240 -->
00:15:48.240I don't think I would ever talk like that.
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00:15:50.159Yeah, I don't think so either.
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00:15:53.279Yeah, yeah, I agree.
00:15:53.440 -->
00:16:00.480So when we give people the quiet year, it's just to give you ideas.
00:16:02.080 -->
00:16:05.440Absolutely make it your own, make it your family's thing.
00:16:06.639 -->
00:16:08.799Again, I we were talking about this in our prep.
00:16:08.879 -->
00:16:14.559Our job as Kerans is to continuously open the door, try to keep that door open of communication.
00:16:14.799 -->
00:16:29.600And so we basically the biggest takeaway is don't ever stop opening the door, even if it feels like sometimes they're shutting the door or slamming the door in your face and closing down all communication.
00:16:30.399 -->
00:16:41.039We are the parents, and so it's our job to keep opening that door and saying, Yep, I'm still here, I still care, I still want to know about you, I still want to know about your day because I love you.
00:16:41.360 -->
00:16:46.399That is, I think, what I want you to take away the most today.
00:16:46.879 -->
00:16:52.960Okay, I will say that to people who have adult children as well.
00:16:53.679 -->
00:16:56.559That has always been my mantra.
00:16:57.200 -->
00:17:07.119And I'll just tell you, I know you and I were talking about this in our show prep that on Mother's Day every year, I text message each one of our kids.
00:17:07.440 -->
00:17:17.599And I do it as soon as I wake up in the morning and I do it before I think I've shared this before, but I do it before they could have gotten up to send me a message.
00:17:17.839 -->
00:17:19.440And I try to do it every year.
00:17:19.519 -->
00:17:20.880I hope I've done it every year.
00:17:21.119 -->
00:17:44.160But what I do is for each individual kid, I send them a text message or maybe a Facebook, like a private message in some way, just to say, I want you to know how amazing you are and how grateful I am that God put us together, or that He made that, or to our oldest, you're the first one that ever made me a mole.
00:17:44.400 -->
00:17:48.240Or to our daughter, I can't believe that I got to be a girl mom.
00:17:48.640 -->
00:17:49.440You know what I mean?
00:17:49.599 -->
00:17:58.160Like, and the reason for that is exactly what you're talking about in terms of it being our job as parents to go after our kids.
00:17:58.480 -->
00:18:01.279People will disagree with us, and I don't care.
00:18:03.039 -->
00:18:05.839On this, I will stake my claim.
00:18:06.160 -->
00:18:22.720Because if you are an adult parent of adults, if you're a parent of adults, and you are waiting for them to call, you're saying, Well, they don't call me, you will hold your breath until you turn blue because their lives are busy, it will get worse when they have kids.
00:18:22.960 -->
00:18:27.200And also they're learning from you because if you're sitting there going, how come they haven't called me?
00:18:27.359 -->
00:18:31.519They could also be thinking, gosh, how come my mom hasn't called me in a week?
00:18:31.839 -->
00:18:41.359So I this is a line that constantly isn't a hard, yes, of course it is, because we're the we're gonna have to chase after them to continue a relationship.
00:18:41.599 -->
00:18:45.920Um, but that is what is going to continue a relationship, right?
00:18:46.160 -->
00:18:49.440For our kids, this isn't our next door neighbor or best friend.
00:18:49.680 -->
00:18:50.319Do you know what I mean?
00:18:50.400 -->
00:18:51.680There are other relationships.
00:18:51.759 -->
00:18:54.079Maybe we let go because that was just for a season.
00:18:54.160 -->
00:18:56.880There is no season when they're your kids.
00:18:57.200 -->
00:19:00.000Some of my kids are 30, 40.
00:19:00.640 -->
00:19:02.079But I'm not gonna let go.
00:19:02.240 -->
00:19:04.640I'm these are there's a different season in their lives.
00:19:04.720 -->
00:19:06.240They need me for totally different things.
00:19:06.400 -->
00:19:12.799Some of them I see consistently, some I rarely see because they live in different parts of the world or they're very busy people or whatever.
00:19:12.960 -->
00:19:17.039But I will not stop chasing after my kids, and I don't think that you should either.
00:19:17.519 -->
00:19:24.480I also think um uh for the kids that are at home and these kids who are like, hey, we want to have those check-ins.
00:19:24.960 -->
00:19:27.920Another opportunity is bedtime.
00:19:28.079 -->
00:19:31.920And I know that sounds weird if because we're talking about like up to teenagers, right?
00:19:32.079 -->
00:19:35.039But I say goodnight to my kids every night.
00:19:35.279 -->
00:19:35.680100%.
00:19:36.319 -->
00:19:39.680I also think it's an opp another opportunity for conversation.
00:19:39.759 -->
00:19:46.319And maybe they have been mulling over something literally all day, and maybe they really need to unload it before they're able to sleep.
00:19:46.400 -->
00:19:54.319And so that's right, just again, keep opening the door, keep asking a question, um, or just saying, like, hey, I'm here.
00:19:54.400 -->
00:20:01.359If there's anything that you need to talk, keep the communication lines open and look for like little checkpoints throughout the day.
00:20:01.440 -->
00:20:02.480Like, hey, it's anything else.
00:20:02.640 -->
00:20:04.799There's also that there's that opportunity.
00:20:04.960 -->
00:20:09.519One of the things that I do now that our youngest isn't work, he still lives in our job.
00:20:09.759 -->
00:20:11.519He it's a later job.
00:20:11.599 -->
00:20:13.119And so he wakes up later.
00:20:13.279 -->
00:20:20.400I try to get my schedule so that when he's getting up or when he's getting ready for his job, I take lunch then.
00:20:20.640 -->
00:20:26.079And then I'll sit and have lunch with him or there are you just have to be creative, but definitely.
00:20:26.319 -->
00:20:28.799All right, number three, and number three.
00:20:28.880 -->
00:20:30.720We don't want to get to our number three.
00:20:31.279 -->
00:20:35.440So I think that this is almost like a part two of like when you're asking questions.
00:20:35.680 -->
00:20:38.160So here we are wanting to have communication with our kids.
00:20:38.240 -->
00:20:39.759We're wanting them to talk to us.
00:20:40.000 -->
00:20:44.480So if they talk and if they open up, don't ruin the answer.
00:20:45.759 -->
00:20:58.559If they have opened up and maybe they're complaining about something, or maybe they're stressed about something, or maybe they're venting about whoever, don't shut down whatever they're telling.
00:20:58.799 -->
00:21:03.039Look for, look for, I think there's a great are you, do you need to vent?
00:21:03.119 -->
00:21:03.920Do you need help?
00:21:04.160 -->
00:21:05.039Do you want my help?
00:21:05.200 -->
00:21:07.680Do you are you just wanting to talk about it?
00:21:08.160 -->
00:21:17.680I want to just jump into this idea of not ruining the answer because one of the reasons I think that we sometimes ruin the answer is because we have our own concerns.
00:21:18.079 -->
00:21:32.880And so when we have our own concerns, so if one of our kids answers was his fault or it was her fault, and we've been trying to get them to take responsibility, for example, we might jump in with, was it their fault or was it your fault?
00:21:33.039 -->
00:21:34.079Do you know what I'm saying?
00:21:34.319 -->
00:21:50.559And I think when they give us, when they start talking and we decide we're going to give them the six step solution, or when they start talking and we want to turn it into a life lesson, they're internally, it's maybe some of those externally rolling their eyes.
00:21:50.720 -->
00:21:51.440You know what I mean?
00:21:51.599 -->
00:21:55.039So we have to decide is this the right moment?
00:21:55.200 -->
00:21:59.759If our goal is to keep the door open, even depending on their personality.
00:22:01.920 -->
00:22:07.279This is a time for us to climb, don't jump into the response right now.
00:22:07.519 -->
00:22:09.759Keep the door of communication open.
00:22:09.920 -->
00:22:12.480We can always circle back to that.
00:22:12.799 -->
00:22:23.200And I think that's one of the things, or our 47 questions, or we don't want them to conclude that every time they share with us, it creates more trouble for them or more work for them.
00:22:23.440 -->
00:22:28.240Or so I think that's I think that's what we're wanted to put a fine point on that.
00:22:28.640 -->
00:22:31.200Three things we talk about this in our class.
00:22:31.279 -->
00:22:32.319I just wanted to share this.
00:22:32.480 -->
00:22:34.799There are three things that you can do.
00:22:34.880 -->
00:22:39.279And again, we'll put this on the show notes and on our on our webpage at deltaprevention.org.
00:22:39.359 -->
00:22:41.039Here's a simple tool you can use.
00:22:41.200 -->
00:22:43.599We call it the love method, L-U-V.
00:22:44.000 -->
00:22:46.400Listen, understand, validate.
00:22:46.640 -->
00:22:50.960So while they're talking, our response tool could be listen.
00:22:51.279 -->
00:22:53.200So tell me what happened.
00:22:53.680 -->
00:22:56.799Understand what was that like for you?
00:22:57.119 -->
00:22:58.480And then validate.
00:22:58.720 -->
00:23:01.519I can understand why you felt that was embarrassing.
00:23:01.680 -->
00:23:08.559And let me just give you this note validating what happened to somebody or how they feel about something does not put us in agreement with them.
00:23:08.720 -->
00:23:11.440Maybe they felt it was unfair, but it really wasn't unfair.
00:23:11.599 -->
00:23:16.079We're validating them by saying, I can understand why you would feel bad.
00:23:16.400 -->
00:23:18.640So listen, understand, and validate.
00:23:18.720 -->
00:23:27.359And then that's going to open the door so that when you do want to help them solve the problem, then you just ask them.
00:23:27.519 -->
00:23:31.920This is absolute basic, even couples communication.
00:23:32.160 -->
00:23:35.359The question then becomes, do you want me to listen?
00:23:35.680 -->
00:23:37.839Do you need me to help you think it through?
00:23:38.000 -->
00:23:40.240Or is there some action you need me to take?
00:23:40.400 -->
00:23:45.599And that's again, it's gonna open up the it's gonna open up the conversation.
00:23:45.920 -->
00:23:51.680I also think another kind of like an extra tool is like a weekly check-in.
00:23:52.000 -->
00:23:56.960We're talking a lot about, hey, like a daily, like the kids are back to school, they're coming home, what can we do?
00:23:57.200 -->
00:24:03.839But also it could be like at the beginning of the week or at the end of the week, whatever works for your flow.
00:24:04.079 -->
00:24:08.960But especially like if there's like long-term like homework projects or hey, what's due?
00:24:09.119 -->
00:24:10.400Is there anything due this week?
00:24:10.559 -->
00:24:12.559What days of the week are going to be our busiest?
00:24:12.640 -->
00:24:20.079So if there's like some people get homework at the beginning of the week and it's due at the end of the week, what day of the week are we gonna have the most time to get homework done?
00:24:20.400 -->
00:24:24.079Anything like that, you can also have a weekly kind of like check-in.
00:24:25.039 -->
00:24:26.160I think that's a great idea.
00:24:26.319 -->
00:24:27.200I think that's a great idea.
00:24:27.279 -->
00:24:28.319And I think this helps.
00:24:28.720 -->
00:24:29.279Oh, sorry.
00:24:29.359 -->
00:24:30.319I think this also helps.
00:24:30.480 -->
00:24:40.079I know this was another kind of goes along with that tool, but as our kids get older, parents manage a lot of that like organization when their kids are younger.
00:24:40.400 -->
00:24:56.960And we also want to emphasize like, hey, you're still the parent, even when your kids in high school, even when they're a teenager, but you're still setting the standard of, hey, this these are the responsibilities that you have now, and you will have more as you get older.
00:24:57.119 -->
00:25:01.599You're gonna have to manage your time, you're gonna have to manage like long-term projects.
00:25:01.839 -->
00:25:03.680But right now, we're still the parent.
00:25:04.000 -->
00:25:08.720So we still set the standard and we're still checking in with them.
00:25:08.799 -->
00:25:11.920We're not going, well, they know they have that project, they can do it.
00:25:12.160 -->
00:25:13.519We're still the pair.
00:25:13.920 -->
00:25:36.559Well, that is 100% where I was gonna go, but I was gonna go a little bit deeper because if there are things, there are still guardrails that we have to have and things like if there's danger, if there's abuse, if there's threats, if there's like something that requires our intervention, self-care, substance use, they need to know that we will intervene if we need to intervene.
00:25:36.720 -->
00:25:42.240And so there are also adult decisions that sometimes need to be made to keep them safe.
00:25:42.720 -->
00:25:52.799Things we may have to do, and they may be frustrated with that, but that's not necessarily we can't we can't get away from that parent role just because we're trying to keep a door open.
00:25:52.960 -->
00:25:54.160We still are the parent.
00:25:54.400 -->
00:25:55.680We're still the parent.
00:25:56.079 -->
00:26:35.519Last thing, friend, I just wanted to, I just wanted to talk really quickly about this idea of not disappearing, like making sure that when we do the work that we're supposed to be doing, when we're when we're trying to get them to increase their responsibility and when we are giving all of that, like what instruction they need or that type of thing, that when you think about that from the perspective of how much work they are supposed to do, I just like to say when I think back over the years of growing and learning how to parent at the same time I was parenting, I sometimes got it wrong.
00:26:36.240 -->
00:26:41.599And so I just want to encourage our families that if you're getting some of this wrong, that's totally okay.
00:26:41.759 -->
00:26:43.680You can adjust, readjust.
00:26:43.839 -->
00:26:44.000Yeah.
00:26:44.160 -->
00:26:46.880And that's the point of having a good friend.
00:26:47.039 -->
00:26:47.839You know what I mean?
00:26:48.000 -->
00:26:57.039That's the point of having people you can bounce it off of, or that's the point of having this kind of a conversation where you're like, hmm, I've have I been doing too much?
00:26:57.200 -->
00:26:58.480Have I not been doing enough?
00:26:58.640 -->
00:27:07.039I just want to encourage you if you're listening to this today and you're like, geez, I have been doing all of that, or oh my god, I haven't been doing half of that.
00:27:07.200 -->
00:27:09.680I thought the time they got 14, they were good to go.
00:27:09.839 -->
00:27:15.440And maybe this is stirring some things up in people where they think, Noah, maybe I need to go back.
00:27:15.599 -->
00:27:20.640It is 100% okay, friends, to go back and start including some of these things.
00:27:21.440 -->
00:27:25.680Anything you want to say to our friends before we kick them out of here, Anna.
00:27:26.400 -->
00:27:27.759You're not alone.
00:27:28.799 -->
00:27:30.079Yeah, that's good.
00:27:30.240 -->
00:27:31.119That's really good.
00:27:31.359 -->
00:27:35.279I'm excited to hear what's gonna happen with your youngest and how that goes.
00:27:35.440 -->
00:27:38.559You'll have to fill us in on how that how that has gone.
00:27:38.799 -->
00:27:42.799For those of you that are listening, please share this podcast with people.
00:27:43.039 -->
00:27:49.440Anna and I just really sincerely want to share what has benefited us over the years.
00:27:49.680 -->
00:28:02.559Good friends, strong families, being able to have each other, being able to have the foundation parenting and all of the lessons that we've learned in our classes that we've learned and taught over the years, just to share that with all of you.
00:28:02.640 -->
00:28:10.000So share this with a friend and we hope you will continue listening friends, strong families.
00:28:10.880 -->
00:28:11.519Bye, everyone.
00:28:11.759 -->
00:28:13.759Immediately into your family life.