WEBVTT
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But here's the thing.
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When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
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But she was so smart and so funny.
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I wanted to ask you this forever.
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You like Billy?
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Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
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When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
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Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
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When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
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The bottle swung across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
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I wanted to ask you this forever.
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Do you like Billy?
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But here's the thing: when my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
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But she is so smart and so funny.
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The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
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I wanted to ask you this forever.
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Do you like Billy?
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Nate Rocky.
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A house, actually, is what they bring.
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That's true.
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It's a nice one, too.
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I sent her first husband a thank you card.
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I was pretty thrilled with the That kitchen remodel.
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Is awesome, dude.
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She doesn't accept these weird games, too.
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I don't know where she comes up with them, but like I don't know where once over lunch, she goes, I think we should each pick a fantasy lover.
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And if we ever meet them, we get to sleep with them and it's not cheating.
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What?
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She chose Antonio Banderas.
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Whatever.
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I chose our neighbor.
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Kind of the guy move.
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Shoot for the moon, honey.
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I'm taking the guaranteed real estate right over here.
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She's a vegetarian too.
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Anybody here?
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Vegetarian?
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You are?
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How long?
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She's so quiet, she can barely talk.
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I'm about 20.
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Oh my god.
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I feel weak.
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I need a taxi.
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Twenty years, that's good.
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Moral reasons or yeah.
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Some people don't like to see cute things die.
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Moral.
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I don't know.
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She does it for moral.
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I'm not a vegetarian.
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I think no matter what you eat, you gotta kill.
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And you just kill stuff that can't run away.
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I mean, what the what chance does lettuce have?
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It's a little head on the soil.
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Hey man.
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Ouch!
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Carrots don't even see it coming.
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At least cows have an option.
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Let's move, let's get up, let's go!
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She does eat seafood, not hamburgers, that's bad, but oyster burgers and clam fritters are fine, which I know a fancy name for with bread, is all that is.
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We took our honeymoon to Wyoming, which I know, kind of a bad place to go if you're a vegetarian.
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That's all I'm saying.
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Beef is a religion there.
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You go to Catholic Mass, you don't get a wafer, you get a cube steak, is what you get.
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The body of Christ.
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Whoa! You'd think they'd be running out by now.
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Selling that on eBay.
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I'm serious.
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There was a sign on the border that said, Welcome to Wyoming, eat beef.
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Some rancher had it.
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Cows grazing all around it.
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Wonder what that sign says.
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Any other state, we would have been fine, you know.
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Welcome to Idaho, eat potatoes.
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Welcome to Wisconsin, eat cheese.
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Welcome to New York, eat this.
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Welcome to Oregon, the beaver state.
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So what we're talking about.
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I know, it is.
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Kind of explains that Oregon trail movement in the 1840s, doesn't it?
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Got a secret?
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Tell you when we get there.
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Woo!
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Also explains why all the Mormons stopped in Utah.
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You have eight wives.
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You go on ahead, I'm not that hungry.
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I'll stay over here.
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We were not there to go hiking.
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Found out that we hiked for totally different reasons, which I think is a gender thing.
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She'd get to the top of the mountain and take a picture every time.
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It's like so gorgeous.
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And I didn't care what the view was.
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Every time I hit the peak, my first instinct take a pee.
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I think it's a every guy in this room is peed from a high place.
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You can't deny that.
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Because it makes you feel so big, doesn't it?
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It's like my pee falls 3,000 feet before it hits the ground.
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Eagles fly beneath my pee.
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I'm laser man.
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Burning through the earth.
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Give me some coarse light, I'll cut this tree down.
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And then we're very focused peeing in the woods.
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I don't worry about a pee on that rock right there that's my rock.
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I own it.
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I moved it.
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I'm excavating.
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Oh, check it out a beetle.
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Run, you little bastard room.
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Women, totally different.
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You ever seen women tinkle in the woods?
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You always have this far away look.
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What are you all thinking about it?
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I would love to know.
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Oh, damn it, shoot.
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I know it's dangerous for women too, because you're down there, you get one of those little tinkle shivers.
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It's gross.
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Not the real outdoorsy types, though.
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There's REI mountain babes, they got their own technique.
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It's like want some toilet paper, Sandy?
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No, I'll just walk through these little bushes right over here.
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Maybe straddle this mossy log.
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I've got a little taken care of.
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I don't want to get into how I know any of this, by the way.
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That's gonna that is another story.
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If I could have changed one thing, though, before we got married, I and I recommend this to other couples.
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Before you get married, have the woman sleep with another woman.
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Well, for me it's far more practical.
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I just figure that way she'll understand how difficult it can sometimes be to physically satisfy another woman.
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She'll cut you some slack when you're not doing the job right.
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Because women have it easy.
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Sleeping with men is the easiest job on the planet, that.
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Really, who can't figure out how a guy works?
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We're wired like Fisher Price children's toys.
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You know, one leave earth, a man goes, I most high school girls get it right the very first try.
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Well, I wonder how this works.
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Well, okay, I guess that's how.
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Women are all wired like Boeing 747s.
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Walk on board, there's a million buttons.
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Oh my god.
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Only one of them turns the plane on.
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Sometimes you find the button, everything works, come back the next day.
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Same airplane.
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The button is moved or something.
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I've learned when you're married, sometimes you gotta press it a week before you want to fly.
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What the hell?
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But this is why older women are great, because older women have a user's manual, all right?
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They do.
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And if you're doing it wrong, they read it to you.
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Right there on the spot.
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My wife's in her late 40s, she's like a general in the army half the time.
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All right, listen up, soldier.
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Today we're gonna start here in the mountains.
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Do some recon.
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Take your time.
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It's very important.
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Now, when you're ready, I want you to slip down between those mountains, head south across the flat plain, stretching out ahead.
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Hopefully it's flat.
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If it's not, cross anyway, goddammit.
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That's the battle in the bulge.
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We'll get to that later.
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Now, do some recon in Hamterland, circle around, secure the west side.
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Now, at this point, go back to headquarters.
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Let them know you care.
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You cut off communication with headquarters, you're in trouble, I'll tell you that right now.
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You'll be in this battle all alone.
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I feel I'm revealing too much.
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Actually, you know, guys, we're not perfect either.
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I mean, our wiring, sometimes when a guy's having sex, what he thinks he's doing and what's actually happening are two pretty different things.
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And it's not our fault.
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Because we have a billion nerves in our body, all but about eight of them right there.
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Any guy will tell you, it amplifies the experience.
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Your brain thinks you're going.
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Who's your father, Luke?
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I'm your father.
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Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
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When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
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Holy shit The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
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I wanted to ask you this forever.
00:11:28.399 --> 00:11:29.519
Do you like Billy?
00:11:29.759 --> 00:11:30.080
Nate.
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Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
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When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
00:11:40.240 --> 00:11:40.960
But here's the thing.
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When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia.
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Which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
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But she is so smart and so funny.
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When I was a kid, I was in a band.
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Alright, I was in a band.
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No one gets paid to do.
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Like the Olympics.
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I just find there's a level of commitment that professional paid athletes don't have.
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Like the hammer throw.
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There's no endorsement dealer waiting for this guy.
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He works out for his whole life to get basically look like a meatball with a head.
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What do you do?
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I throw the hammer.
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Really, how often?
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Once every four years! But he's got passion, doesn't he?
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I mean, you ever watch the hammer throw?
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You can tell by when he throws it, he doesn't just chuck it, he goes.
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Because that's his throw, man.
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It's like a nerd having sex.
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He gets his shot.
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I'm amazed how good we do at the Olympics, too, when they don't even let us play our best sports, do they?
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Like football?
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We don't get to play that.
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We don't.
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Because it wouldn't be fair, really.
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Can you imagine Korea versus the US in football?
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And Korea kicks off, and the Americans score.
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And uh four Koreans are dead.
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Bowling?
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There's no Olympic bowling.
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We would rule.
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We would rule.
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Not necessarily people from Washington, but uh somebody from Iowa would probably take the gold.
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I picked the Midwest because I heard bowling on the radio out there once.
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I just think I just think that's a level of bowling fanaticism that we don't have on the West Coast.
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Because it's not good radio.
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Can I can I be honest with you?
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It's not.
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Here's pretty much what I listen to for half an hour.
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And Fred Beckler lines up to throw his fifth frame.
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Just a bit outside.
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We'll be waiting for that ball to return now.
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I should mention Fred is wearing Hager adjustable fit slacks, the official slack of the bowler's tour.
00:14:21.600 --> 00:14:23.759
Still waiting on that ball here, anyway.
00:14:25.600 --> 00:14:26.799
Well, there it is.
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No, that's not his.
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Okay.
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Should mention Fred's the only black bowler in the tournament today.
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Sport not real popular with our African American athletes yet.
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Fred got started young because he kind of liked watching the large black ball just knock over all the skinny white redneck pins.
00:14:57.120 --> 00:15:02.480
I think we could improve the Olympics by putting see, you can't tell how good they are anymore, because everybody's good, right?
00:15:02.879 --> 00:15:06.559
You see 10 guys run a sprint and one guy wins, we go, that guy's fast.
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Then a guy gets 10th.
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10th fastest guy on the planet.
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We're at home going, loser.
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Going faster, Mr.
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Guy.
00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:26.480
That's why I think every sport should have a prospective athlete, so you can tell how good the athletes really are.
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Like in track, you'd have a pink lane going around the track, right?
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Right before the race, you just grab some random yayhoo from the audience.
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Come on down here, sir.
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You're gonna run in the pink lane today, representing the rest of humanity.
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That way our viewers at home can see how fast these other freaks of nature really are.
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Gymnastics would be hilarious with the pink, pink guy on the rings.
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And the sport that really should be in the Olympics, bull riding.
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Oh my god, I don't know why.
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Yeah, I know.
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That's that's gotta be the toughest sport on the planet.
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It's the only one you watch for not even for a second, do you say to yourself?
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I might try that someday.
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Right?
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No, I'm not hopping on a 3,000-pound cow, so mad he's pooping himself.
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They're not normal bulls, they're not like Eatum Claw bulls, they're like these big steroided up East German women bulls, just over Lugas Nixon!
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Cowboys just go, he's ready, get on him.
00:16:46.159 --> 00:16:47.919
I don't know who invented bull riding.
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I think they were drunk when they came up with the idea.
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Can we be honest about this?
00:16:51.519 --> 00:16:54.080
The dead giveaway is that rodeo clown.
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The whole idea that you gotta dress like a clown to distract the bull.
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That's drunk thinking if I've ever heard it.
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I just picture some Texan stumbling out of a bar years ago.
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You know that big angry bull out back?
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I got an idea.
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I'm gonna ride that song, bitch.
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Alright, if I fall off, y'all better save my ass.
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You gotta dress like a clown.
00:17:34.960 --> 00:17:37.920
If you look like a cowboy, he'll see you coming.
00:17:39.839 --> 00:17:43.279
If you dress like a clown, he'll go, whoo ago, circus.
00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:57.920
And they only stay on for eight seconds, which maybe that's why people don't think it's hard, because eight seconds doesn't seem long, and it's not when you're in a chair.
00:17:59.279 --> 00:18:03.119
But I swear if you watch bull riding, every second gets longer for the poor bastard.
00:18:03.200 --> 00:18:05.279
It's like some sort of weird time warp.
00:18:05.839 --> 00:18:22.400
He's out there going one thousand one, one thousand two ring the bell.
00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:38.720
I appreciate that, but I'm not even on a bowl, I'm just jumping around.
00:18:38.799 --> 00:18:39.839
Can you imagine?
00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:44.079
Say put it in the Olympics.
00:18:44.480 --> 00:18:47.759
Would add perspective to some of those other sports, like the one with the ribbon.
00:18:50.079 --> 00:18:51.359
I'm an athlete.
00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:55.440
Shut up.
00:18:56.319 --> 00:18:58.559
Bring the girl with the put her on the bowl.
00:18:58.640 --> 00:18:59.519
That's what we need to do.
00:18:59.920 --> 00:19:00.720
Oh my god!
00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:04.960
I think she lost her rhythm there, Dick.
00:19:06.400 --> 00:19:07.759
There's the dismount.
00:19:10.799 --> 00:19:12.960
Let's see how the judges score that.
00:19:13.920 --> 00:19:14.480
Zero.
00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:16.160
Gotta stay on longer, Nadia.
00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:23.920
The best part would be watching the other countries try it, because you know, they'd have no clue.
00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:29.359
Some guy from Spain would show up with sparkly pants, little cape and a hat.
00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:34.799
Oh no, Paco, you gotta get on him.
00:19:38.640 --> 00:19:41.920
You can't just jump out of the way and say you're done.
00:19:42.880 --> 00:19:45.200
Hell, we got a clown that can do that.
00:19:50.400 --> 00:19:51.440
I know he's angry.
00:19:51.519 --> 00:19:54.160
You wait till he hike his nuts up a little bit.
00:19:59.599 --> 00:20:00.880
Some poor guy from India.
00:20:01.039 --> 00:20:01.599
Oh my god.
00:20:01.680 --> 00:20:07.039
Oh no! Oh my god! The second one is angry today.
00:20:13.519 --> 00:20:15.680
My favorite would be the Mexicans.
00:20:16.480 --> 00:20:17.440
Bullright.
00:20:17.920 --> 00:20:20.720
Okay, but can we cut the legs and chop it down a little bit?
00:20:24.559 --> 00:20:26.559
He's riding too high, Horns.
00:20:30.799 --> 00:20:34.000
The only country that wouldn't flinch would be the Australians, I think.
00:20:34.319 --> 00:20:38.079
You know, because the Aussies they have that attitude, they'll try anything.
00:20:38.160 --> 00:20:38.720
They don't show up.
00:20:38.799 --> 00:20:40.240
We'll have to get a hike as Jimmy's up.
00:20:40.319 --> 00:20:42.000
You better hike mine up too.
00:20:45.839 --> 00:20:48.319
If he can take it, I can take it.
00:20:49.279 --> 00:20:52.079
This is Australian rules, we're riding now.
00:20:52.799 --> 00:20:54.240
I'll ride him for eight seconds.
00:20:54.319 --> 00:20:55.920
He rides me for nine.
00:20:59.680 --> 00:21:01.279
It was Asian studies.
00:21:02.160 --> 00:21:02.880
Well, what?
00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:03.759
Shut up.
00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:08.000
That'd be a good idea to learn about the neighbors across the pond.
00:21:08.799 --> 00:21:12.240
I quit I did it for a quarter and then quit, because check this out.
00:21:12.880 --> 00:21:14.799
I go to my Asian studies class.
00:21:15.359 --> 00:21:19.440
Over half the people in the class were Asian.
00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:24.880
That is bullshit.
00:21:27.680 --> 00:21:31.599
You know, I didn't go to Beijing University and take Caucasian studies.
00:21:32.079 --> 00:21:34.000
Hey class, how are you doing?
00:21:37.119 --> 00:21:38.319
What's that smell?
00:21:38.559 --> 00:21:39.680
I think it's an A.
00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:41.039
That's what that smell is.
00:21:42.799 --> 00:21:44.400
Put this man right here.
00:21:44.960 --> 00:21:47.519
I didn't mean to intimidate you, but boom.
00:21:52.880 --> 00:22:09.200
So I quit, became an engineering major, and did that for a quarter, and then quit that, because check I go to my engineering class, over half the people in the class were Asian.
00:22:12.880 --> 00:22:14.720
That is bullshit.
00:22:16.319 --> 00:22:18.400
Because they're smart and they study.
00:22:24.000 --> 00:22:25.599
Been to Asia a couple of times.
00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:28.880
I must say, uh, as a culture, they've been around a long time.
00:22:29.200 --> 00:22:31.119
But they're a little cocky because of that.
00:22:31.359 --> 00:22:32.319
I won't lie to you.
00:22:32.480 --> 00:22:33.359
Like China.
00:22:34.559 --> 00:22:42.960
Apparently, China invented feng shui, the ancient Chinese art of placing objects in your environment for positive energy flow and harmony.
00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:47.359
Now I've been to China, and I'm here to tell you.
00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:55.599
Feng shui may work, but apparently the ancient Chinese art of feng shui hasn't really caught on yet in China.
00:22:57.119 --> 00:23:00.400
Let's take the garbage and put it in the river.
00:23:00.640 --> 00:23:04.960
Yes! The flow, the qi, the peace.
00:23:05.839 --> 00:23:07.279
You've been to a Chinese market?
00:23:07.359 --> 00:23:10.640
Even one in America, it's the most chaotic place we'll ever go.
00:23:10.799 --> 00:23:12.720
A car bomb would organize the place.
00:23:12.880 --> 00:23:13.680
Have you been?
00:23:14.559 --> 00:23:18.480
It's like here we'll have flowers, and right next to it, a slaughtered pig.
00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:22.400
Yes! And some Adidas for sale.
00:23:22.640 --> 00:23:24.079
And a live cat.
00:23:24.799 --> 00:23:27.359
And a calendar from two years ago.
00:23:27.920 --> 00:23:28.559
What?
00:23:31.759 --> 00:23:34.480
The DJ at a classical music station.
00:23:35.519 --> 00:23:37.200
That's a sweet gig.
00:23:37.759 --> 00:23:40.319
Here's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.
00:23:40.880 --> 00:23:43.279
I'll be back in an hour and a half.
00:23:46.720 --> 00:23:49.440
Thursday, we're doing triple shots of Mahler.
00:23:50.640 --> 00:23:52.480
So I don't need to be here.
00:23:56.400 --> 00:23:59.519
I think toughest jobs on the planet, customer service jobs.
00:24:00.240 --> 00:24:00.720
Yeah, I know.
00:24:00.799 --> 00:24:03.119
I was gonna say there's always a few who agree.
00:24:03.920 --> 00:24:04.400
It is.
00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:07.599
It doesn't have to be, but the customer is always right.
00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:10.960
Or so they have been led to believe.
00:24:12.480 --> 00:24:13.759
When they're not.
00:24:14.640 --> 00:24:16.160
Customers are always bitchy.
00:24:16.480 --> 00:24:18.960
Customers get bitchy in the travel business, that's for sure.
00:24:19.119 --> 00:24:20.640
I've seen it, I've seen it so many times.
00:24:20.720 --> 00:24:23.519
I was sitting on an airplane once and they they made this little announcement.
00:24:23.759 --> 00:24:26.240
Our flight's gonna be delayed because we have a mechanical problem.
00:24:26.319 --> 00:24:28.960
Uh, we're not gonna do it, we'll keep you posted, shouldn't be long.
00:24:29.200 --> 00:24:31.440
This woman next to me goes, God damn it.
00:24:33.039 --> 00:24:33.519
What?
00:24:35.359 --> 00:24:36.400
Think about what she's saying.
00:24:36.559 --> 00:24:37.359
God damn it.
00:24:37.920 --> 00:24:41.119
I hate it when they find the problems before the plane takes off.
00:24:43.119 --> 00:24:46.000
Why can't they find it later when we're running out of all night?
00:24:47.839 --> 00:24:49.599
She pointed at the pilot.
00:24:54.000 --> 00:24:55.359
So then this guy comes on.
00:24:55.519 --> 00:24:56.240
He's late, by the way.
00:24:56.319 --> 00:25:00.559
He made the connection because the flight was delayed, and he's all huffy and puffy looking for a pillow.
00:25:00.880 --> 00:25:02.079
Can't find one.
00:25:02.400 --> 00:25:03.359
Gets all pissed off.
00:25:03.519 --> 00:25:04.160
Where's my pillow?
00:25:04.240 --> 00:25:15.119
You better find me a pillow, or I will have I will get your name and write a letter to the Andes that thing that they like he's our leader or something, turns to the rest of us.
00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:22.240
Suddenly he's miming in the 20s.
00:25:23.599 --> 00:25:25.359
We're all sitting there with our pillows.
00:25:31.359 --> 00:25:33.440
So where did the letter thing come from?
00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:34.880
Writing a letter about a pillow?
00:25:35.039 --> 00:25:36.640
How emasculating is that?
00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:37.200
You know what?
00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:41.279
Lewis and Clark crossed the country twice, took three years.
00:25:41.440 --> 00:25:42.480
They kept a journal.
00:25:42.640 --> 00:25:45.839
Nowhere is there a complaint like, dear President Jefferson.
00:25:46.640 --> 00:25:49.279
This tour you sent us on is bullshit.
00:25:51.359 --> 00:25:53.920
The river always flows the wrong direction.
00:25:54.319 --> 00:25:56.160
Our food runs away.
00:25:56.799 --> 00:25:59.759
Our tour guide is pregnant, for heaven's sake.
00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:02.720
I didn't get a pillow and my neck hurts.
00:26:06.079 --> 00:26:08.160
I'm just saying, you complain too much.
00:26:08.240 --> 00:26:10.960
You force customer service people to lie to you.
00:26:11.119 --> 00:26:18.160
Which is, you know, like, yeah, if I was the pilot on an airplane, I'd just make stuff up to make people glad we weren't leaving, you know?
00:26:18.400 --> 00:26:21.200
Folks, we just realized the wing is not bolted on.
00:26:25.599 --> 00:26:29.279
Some guy in the plane, oh bolted on, I know how to fix the wing.
00:26:37.119 --> 00:26:39.359
Or maybe something they can relate to, you know.
00:26:39.440 --> 00:26:42.160
Uh, folks, we just found a puppy in the engine.
00:26:43.599 --> 00:26:46.720
A six-week-old golden retriever puppy.
00:26:48.240 --> 00:26:56.640
And we can leave on time, but you know, as soon as we fire up that GE, that puppy will fly out the back at 800 miles an hour, hit the terminal like a paint pellet.
00:27:02.319 --> 00:27:04.079
Or we could take a few minutes and get them out.
00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:08.720
You know, some kind of big engineering suit, go up there, pretend to pull a puppy out.
00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:12.559
The puppy.
00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:15.599
Everybody on the plane to be writing letters.
00:27:15.680 --> 00:27:18.079
This is the best airline we've ever flown on.
00:27:18.400 --> 00:27:20.559
No puppies were killed.
00:27:24.480 --> 00:27:26.880
Worst job in the world is the lost luggage guy.
00:27:27.039 --> 00:27:28.000
That job.
00:27:28.480 --> 00:27:34.000
Because that's one of those customer service jobs you don't get to start your job until someone gets really pissed off.
00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:43.039
I've seen people snap like Hitler on D-Day, my luggage is off a Newton putting back and luggage lost and off in spec expensive.
00:27:46.880 --> 00:27:52.160
That's why I think customer service people should have a setup, not like a desk, but like the wizard of oz.
00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:56.079
So they can fight back to the angry people who deserve it.
00:27:56.400 --> 00:27:58.720
You know, like where's the lost luggage person?
00:27:58.799 --> 00:28:00.640
I need to find my luggage right through that door.
00:28:01.039 --> 00:28:02.000
All right, excuse me.
00:28:02.160 --> 00:28:02.880
Excuse me.
00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:05.279
Speak when you're spoken to.
00:28:08.799 --> 00:28:11.839
Your insolence has become tiresome.
00:28:26.880 --> 00:28:27.519
Yes.
00:28:29.039 --> 00:28:31.359
Um, I think my luggage was lost.
00:28:31.599 --> 00:28:33.200
It was not lost.
00:28:35.519 --> 00:28:38.240
You don't deserve it yet.
00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.319
Now go apologize to that boy at Taco Bell, you were such a dick to.
00:28:45.920 --> 00:28:47.759
And you shall get your bag.
00:28:47.920 --> 00:28:48.160
Okay.
00:28:59.039 --> 00:29:00.400
I'm not making that up.
00:29:00.799 --> 00:29:03.759
Not a good one, obviously, because he got married.
00:29:03.839 --> 00:29:04.480
Whoops.
00:29:07.039 --> 00:29:08.880
That's a tough gig, Catholic priest.
00:29:08.960 --> 00:29:09.359
Think about it.
00:29:09.519 --> 00:29:16.559
Your job is to swear to celibacy and spend the rest of your life in a small dark room listening to everybody else's creepy stories.
00:29:17.359 --> 00:29:18.319
Are you serious?
00:29:18.480 --> 00:29:19.359
You did that.
00:29:22.400 --> 00:29:24.480
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a sin.
00:29:24.559 --> 00:29:24.720
Oh.
00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:30.400
If it's not on the list, we'll add it later.
00:29:31.519 --> 00:29:33.359
We'd never really thought of that.
00:29:39.359 --> 00:29:41.599
What were you wearing when you did that?
00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:48.240
Alright, your penance is you have to tell me that story ten more times.
00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:52.880
I went to Sunday school.
00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:54.240
It's never very good at the Sunday school.
00:29:54.319 --> 00:29:59.359
I always had that what if voice going on in my head, but what if, what if, but what if?
00:30:00.079 --> 00:30:03.680
You know, like you know what Jesus said, but you can't be that sure how he said it.
00:30:04.079 --> 00:30:06.319
What if he was really sarcastic?
00:30:07.599 --> 00:30:08.240
Oh yeah.
00:30:08.319 --> 00:30:10.960
I'm pretty sure the meek will inherit the earth.
00:30:15.279 --> 00:30:16.960
Yeah, it'll be the meek.
00:30:17.039 --> 00:30:18.400
That's who will do it.
00:30:20.240 --> 00:30:22.799
No, I'm gonna die to save all of you.
00:30:29.279 --> 00:30:32.000
Well, I only brought one fish, but it fed everyone.
00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:33.440
It was amazing.
00:30:37.759 --> 00:30:42.079
I'm more for some reason I'm more comfortable with the long tradition of the Catholic Church, though.
00:30:42.160 --> 00:30:48.240
All that extra paraphernalia people say, it's all ridiculous, the big mannequin, the robes, it's all just a bunch of, it's unnecessary.
00:30:48.480 --> 00:30:49.440
But I don't know.
00:30:49.599 --> 00:30:50.559
I like it.
00:30:50.880 --> 00:30:52.640
Like when the Pope died, wasn't that awesome?
00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:54.559
That big funeral which went on forever?
00:30:54.799 --> 00:30:59.119
All the costumes and even even the funeral procession never seemed to end.
00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:13.680
All these little boys choirs going, ah, I'm not gonna go.
00:31:40.559 --> 00:31:42.160
But I don't know, I like the ritual.
00:31:42.960 --> 00:31:44.079
It gives me soulless.
00:31:44.240 --> 00:31:45.440
For some reason, I have no idea why.
00:31:45.519 --> 00:31:50.079
I think a lot of a lot of modern American evangelical events don't offer that.
00:31:50.880 --> 00:31:52.799
Have you ever seen like a modern healing?
00:31:52.880 --> 00:31:55.119
It looks like professional wrestling half the time.
00:31:55.440 --> 00:31:59.680
Seriously, they got all the pyrotechnics, you know, the rock and roll, big stadiums of people.
00:32:03.680 --> 00:32:06.400
The good versus evil theme always being played out.
00:32:06.559 --> 00:32:08.799
I'll join a mother controlly.
00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:17.279
Finish them off.
00:32:20.160 --> 00:32:23.599
I don't know if I'm watching a healing or a smackdown half the time.
00:32:25.920 --> 00:32:29.440
The American religious leaders say the most bizarre stuff sometimes.
00:32:29.519 --> 00:32:30.799
You have to admit that.
00:32:31.039 --> 00:32:32.640
Like Pat Robertson.
00:32:33.279 --> 00:32:33.680
I don't know.
00:32:33.920 --> 00:32:36.960
Calls for the assassination of the president of Venezuela.
00:32:37.119 --> 00:32:40.960
Now, how do you follow that with praise the Lord?
00:32:44.319 --> 00:32:48.720
Maybe you just assign God the wrong voice, and everybody assigns God a voice that they want God to have.
00:32:48.880 --> 00:32:56.799
Maybe I don't know what voice Pat Scott has, but I think it's something like Reverend Pat Robinson.
00:32:58.240 --> 00:33:00.319
This is God the Father.
00:33:01.359 --> 00:33:04.000
Chavez, Donald Venezuela.
00:33:04.960 --> 00:33:09.680
It's making it very difficult for me to spread my message of love and forgiveness.
00:33:11.440 --> 00:33:14.160
So I'd like you to whack that cocksucker.
00:33:18.880 --> 00:33:21.119
I want him dead, you know what I'm saying?
00:33:21.920 --> 00:33:26.160
I would send my own son the door, but Jesus is such a pacifist, you know.
00:33:32.799 --> 00:33:43.039
And uh, when it regards to uh defense and the war and everything else, is the people who are the most fervent about defending the borders of America.
00:33:44.240 --> 00:33:48.000
We're always in the last place anybody would ever invade.
00:33:49.119 --> 00:33:56.160
It's always some guy in the middle of Nebraska, we gotta get those out of the bitches before they come here and take my hand.
00:34:03.759 --> 00:34:05.599
My cow, way over there!
00:34:06.880 --> 00:34:10.320
And you go to the coast, and it's like, why don't we all just get along?
00:34:12.400 --> 00:34:13.440
Why don't we?
00:34:16.960 --> 00:34:22.000
I don't understand how I don't understand how the economics work, frankly, because it's just bizarre.
00:34:22.480 --> 00:34:28.239
Like every time we declare war or have a conflict anywhere, Congress passes an emergency funding bill.
00:34:29.119 --> 00:34:30.639
Does that bother anybody?
00:34:31.199 --> 00:34:34.800
Don't we give the Pentagon like billions of dollars every year?
00:34:35.280 --> 00:34:38.320
Don't they save any of that to have a war for heaven's sake?
00:34:38.960 --> 00:34:42.079
I save money for shit, I don't expect to happen.
00:34:42.719 --> 00:34:45.920
This is weird that Congress declares a war and the Pentagon goes, what?
00:34:46.159 --> 00:34:46.559
Really?
00:34:48.719 --> 00:34:49.599
Right now.
00:34:53.760 --> 00:34:55.519
Alright, everybody, Annie up for gas.
00:34:55.679 --> 00:34:56.480
Annie up.
00:34:57.360 --> 00:34:59.280
No, we gotta use it for real.
00:35:03.119 --> 00:35:05.119
Maybe we should start sponsoring the weapons.
00:35:05.199 --> 00:35:07.519
It seems to work for everything else that gets funding these days.
00:35:08.159 --> 00:35:10.000
This missile brought to you by Timex.
00:35:11.840 --> 00:35:14.320
When it stops ticking, you'll get a licking.
00:35:15.599 --> 00:35:17.440
This one brought to you by Doritos.
00:35:18.880 --> 00:35:20.320
Don't worry, we'll make more.
00:35:20.480 --> 00:35:28.639
Woo! I read this Iraq thing's gonna cost about 300 billion.
00:35:29.039 --> 00:35:29.440
Just that.
00:35:29.679 --> 00:35:32.159
300 billion, but there's 300 million Americans.
00:35:32.400 --> 00:35:34.239
That's a thousand dollars each.
00:35:35.440 --> 00:35:38.079
I don't remember him pitching it to us like that.
00:35:39.199 --> 00:35:44.800
We don't want to go there and remove an evil tyrant from leadership and search for weapons of mass destruction.
00:35:45.840 --> 00:35:48.000
It's just gonna be$1,000 each.
00:35:51.119 --> 00:35:54.320
That's all, family of four, mere four grand, mere four grand.
00:35:55.360 --> 00:35:56.800
Just get out your checks.
00:35:56.960 --> 00:35:59.840
As soon as we get your checks, we will haul ass.
00:36:02.159 --> 00:36:04.400
They get like three checks, all from Nebraska.
00:36:04.559 --> 00:36:06.239
Let's get those sons of bitches.
00:36:09.920 --> 00:36:12.400
Everybody on the coast, I was gonna buy a jacket.
00:36:14.239 --> 00:36:15.360
New jacket.
00:36:18.239 --> 00:36:23.360
There would be no wars if you designed all the new weapons after cool Hollywood movies, because no one's gonna fight.
00:36:23.440 --> 00:36:24.320
No one right?
00:36:24.400 --> 00:36:25.599
They wouldn't even have to work.
00:36:26.000 --> 00:36:29.280
Don't send tanks in, send velociraptors or something cool like that.
00:36:29.760 --> 00:36:31.360
Troop carrier door opens.
00:36:44.239 --> 00:36:45.760
The enemy standing there.
00:36:46.000 --> 00:36:47.519
This is bullshit.
00:36:53.519 --> 00:36:55.679
I saw the film, don't move.
00:37:03.440 --> 00:37:07.199
And I don't understand why we're always bragging about the British being our ally.
00:37:07.519 --> 00:37:08.639
Well, the British are in with us.
00:37:08.800 --> 00:37:10.239
The British are gonna be there too.
00:37:10.400 --> 00:37:11.920
The British, the British.
00:37:12.719 --> 00:37:15.280
I don't think the British Army is very good.
00:37:17.119 --> 00:37:20.960
As far as I can tell, all the brave citizens of that country don't join the Army.
00:37:21.199 --> 00:37:26.079
They all join the BBC and come become some kind of roving field reporter.
00:37:26.960 --> 00:37:30.159
I don't know where they find these news commando freaks of nature.
00:37:30.400 --> 00:37:31.760
But that is exciting news.
00:37:31.840 --> 00:37:33.039
And turn on the BBC.
00:37:33.119 --> 00:37:34.880
It's never they're not embedded with troops.
00:37:34.960 --> 00:37:37.440
They're always standing where the bombs are actually about to land.
00:37:37.519 --> 00:37:39.280
You know, some skimmy brit out there.
00:37:39.360 --> 00:37:43.199
This is Battle Mortimer Stove supporting live for the BBC.
00:37:44.079 --> 00:37:48.000
I am standing here in front of an enemy ammunition facility.
00:37:49.599 --> 00:37:52.400
Notice on the side of the building a small red dot.
00:37:54.719 --> 00:38:01.599
This is part of a laser-guided missile system, which the Americans use to deliver a weapon with a pinpoint accuracy.
00:38:01.840 --> 00:38:05.599
If I was standing here, it would literally hit me in the chest.
00:38:06.800 --> 00:38:09.440
Which is why I've chosen to stand here.
00:38:12.639 --> 00:38:13.760
They never quit either.
00:38:13.920 --> 00:38:17.920
The missile comes in and it's like, shh, whoa, we've just been hit.
00:38:18.400 --> 00:38:20.320
Super, brilliant.
00:38:22.880 --> 00:38:26.559
I can tell you it's gotten very hot where I am right now.
00:38:27.840 --> 00:38:33.519
I'm in some kind of giant crater out of which I will crawl the moment I find my leg.
00:38:35.199 --> 00:38:36.880
Oh, here it is, right.
00:38:40.320 --> 00:38:42.000
That's not mine, oh yeah.
00:38:42.639 --> 00:38:45.519
If you see a red dot, I recommend running like a son of a bitch.
00:38:45.599 --> 00:38:46.639
This is rather awkward.
00:38:46.800 --> 00:38:48.159
Back to you, Heathcliff.
00:38:48.480 --> 00:38:49.440
Thank you, Batley.
00:38:49.519 --> 00:38:50.800
Now here's Jane with the weather.
00:38:54.480 --> 00:38:57.440
My dad was in uh the uh Air Force, actually.
00:38:57.679 --> 00:39:00.000
I asked him once why I joined the Air Force and not the Army.
00:39:00.079 --> 00:39:00.239
You know?
00:39:00.480 --> 00:39:01.199
You know what he said?
00:39:01.280 --> 00:39:05.599
He goes, Well, as far as I could tell, guys in the Army like to fight.
00:39:06.239 --> 00:39:07.920
Guys in the Air Force just like to win.
00:39:09.360 --> 00:39:10.400
And that is so true.
00:39:10.559 --> 00:39:11.039
It's so true.
00:39:11.199 --> 00:39:13.760
Especially when you talk to the young guys, the Army guys, they know all these moves.
00:39:13.840 --> 00:39:15.840
I could poke you there, flick you, blow on you.
00:39:15.920 --> 00:39:18.079
You'd die Tuesday, you wouldn't even know what happened.
00:39:20.639 --> 00:39:23.199
Air Force is more like, there's the enemy.
00:39:34.559 --> 00:39:36.480
All right, I think we won.
00:39:40.320 --> 00:39:44.639
He wasn't in the US Air Force, though, he was in the Canadian Air Force, so I know.
00:39:45.039 --> 00:39:46.639
Not really the Air Force.
00:39:46.880 --> 00:39:48.400
It's more like the air suggest.
00:39:52.239 --> 00:39:54.559
He drove a Cessna, dropped ice cold kokiny.
00:39:54.800 --> 00:39:55.519
Different, you know.
00:39:57.760 --> 00:39:59.920
Clear out of this area, ice cold kokie over there.
00:40:04.239 --> 00:40:05.599
Does it rain there a lot?
00:40:07.440 --> 00:40:07.920
Is that true?
00:40:08.000 --> 00:40:08.880
I heard it does.
00:40:09.199 --> 00:40:10.000
Is that true?
00:40:10.639 --> 00:40:12.320
How do you stand it?
00:40:13.599 --> 00:40:14.719
I would be depressed.
00:40:14.800 --> 00:40:15.440
Are you depressed?
00:40:15.679 --> 00:40:16.400
I would be.
00:40:16.960 --> 00:40:18.000
Is it raining there now?
00:40:18.079 --> 00:40:18.800
Is that why you're here?
00:40:18.880 --> 00:40:19.599
Because that was raining now.
00:40:22.960 --> 00:40:26.639
I just tell people it does rain there a lot, and it is depressing.
00:40:27.119 --> 00:40:29.360
But we have the lowest murder rate in the country.
00:40:29.519 --> 00:40:30.320
Thank you.
00:40:32.880 --> 00:40:35.039
Because people tend to kill themselves.
00:40:38.079 --> 00:40:40.639
We're just more of a do-it-yourself kind of folk.
00:40:42.400 --> 00:40:43.840
Somebody runs into a bank with a gun.
00:40:44.000 --> 00:40:45.760
Oh my god, he's got a gun.
00:40:46.079 --> 00:40:47.119
Help him.
00:40:49.519 --> 00:40:51.679
I hope he has money.
00:40:53.039 --> 00:41:01.119
But as if as if rain is a bad weather option to the other weather options in other parts of the country, like hurricanes.
00:41:01.280 --> 00:41:04.400
Hello, I think we found out having all the rain in one day.
00:41:05.920 --> 00:41:07.599
That's a downside.
00:41:11.039 --> 00:41:15.519
Tornado's the scariest weather on the planet, tornadoes, because it's so unpredictable and specific.
00:41:16.079 --> 00:41:17.280
Like you could be walking your dog just.
00:41:40.239 --> 00:41:41.119
Did you know they can?
00:41:41.599 --> 00:41:45.840
Of course you didn't, because on the West Coast they only show us the day ones on the news.
00:41:46.239 --> 00:41:50.239
Two years ago, I'm in Iowa, right across the bottom of the screen as I'm watching late-night TV.
00:41:50.639 --> 00:41:52.079
Tornado watch.
00:41:56.320 --> 00:41:58.880
I know, no other information for the tourist.
00:42:00.320 --> 00:42:00.639
Okay.
00:42:05.760 --> 00:42:07.840
Where do we go to watch it?
00:42:12.079 --> 00:42:20.079
Found it later, tornado warnings when you really freak out, nail your cat to the floor, and run to the basement and hold a pipe or something.
00:42:20.400 --> 00:42:21.280
You know what I did?
00:42:21.360 --> 00:42:22.239
I'm not making this up.
00:42:22.320 --> 00:42:23.840
I uh I put my pants back on.
00:42:23.920 --> 00:42:25.440
That's all I could think to do.
00:42:25.679 --> 00:42:28.239
I just didn't want to be the only naked guy without a house.
00:42:30.320 --> 00:42:31.679
Sorry, I'm not from here.
00:42:31.760 --> 00:42:32.800
I didn't know.
00:42:35.920 --> 00:42:37.519
I'm from Seattle.
00:42:38.880 --> 00:42:41.039
Yeah, it does rain there a lot, but not like this.
00:42:41.199 --> 00:42:42.480
This is crazy.
00:42:44.800 --> 00:42:46.960
That's a bit of an exaggeration, too, by the way.
00:42:49.519 --> 00:42:51.039
For the front row.
00:42:52.400 --> 00:42:53.440
It was really that way.
00:42:53.519 --> 00:42:55.440
I probably wouldn't care too much about the pants, frankly.
00:42:55.519 --> 00:42:56.400
You know how guys are.
00:42:56.639 --> 00:42:58.480
It is getting breezy out here, everybody.
00:42:58.800 --> 00:42:58.960
You.
00:42:59.599 --> 00:43:01.920
You better nail this to the floor.
00:43:06.639 --> 00:43:07.920
Check it out, I'm a kite.
00:43:08.000 --> 00:43:09.119
How cool is this?
00:43:12.960 --> 00:43:14.159
It's a wiener kite.
00:43:14.239 --> 00:43:14.639
That's what it is.
00:43:20.320 --> 00:43:22.400
And I didn't know how big tornadoes could get.
00:43:22.480 --> 00:43:26.719
There was one, you know, you tend to think they come to a little point on the ground like you drew them as a kid.
00:43:27.039 --> 00:43:29.119
So you can just kind of ole them as they come at you.
00:43:29.280 --> 00:43:31.360
Here comes he touch it.
00:43:33.840 --> 00:43:37.599
There was one in Missouri a couple years ago, half a mile wide.
00:43:38.480 --> 00:43:39.760
Holy shit.
00:43:40.559 --> 00:43:40.880
Half.
00:43:41.519 --> 00:43:43.920
That's like God got out his big Hoover vacuum.
00:43:44.079 --> 00:43:44.800
What the?
00:43:46.559 --> 00:43:48.880
Who left all this white trash here?
00:43:56.320 --> 00:43:58.320
It's not how I left my planet.
00:44:05.920 --> 00:44:11.199
I know that's kind of mean, but uh if you're not laughing.
00:44:14.559 --> 00:44:15.199
It is.
00:44:15.760 --> 00:44:16.320
I don't know.
00:44:16.400 --> 00:44:17.599
It is a choice though, isn't it?
00:44:17.679 --> 00:44:18.719
You can make white trash jokes.
00:44:19.039 --> 00:44:19.920
That's a choice.
00:44:20.079 --> 00:44:22.239
Not the white part, but the trash part.
00:44:22.719 --> 00:44:25.599
That is a fashion look you have opted for.
00:44:26.320 --> 00:44:28.639
You could wash your children.
00:44:31.199 --> 00:44:34.000
You're somehow responsible for something they disagree with.
00:44:34.239 --> 00:44:36.719
Not you in general, but you specifically.
00:44:37.039 --> 00:44:38.000
You individually.
00:44:38.320 --> 00:44:41.440
I was in a British pub and this total stranger gets in my face after ten minutes.
00:44:41.840 --> 00:44:42.800
Yo, yank.
00:44:43.920 --> 00:44:46.719
How come you won't saw in the Kyoto Protocol?
00:44:54.480 --> 00:44:56.159
I'm just having a beer.
00:44:56.239 --> 00:44:59.519
I didn't know about the Toyota.
00:45:03.840 --> 00:45:05.360
Corolla and recall.
00:45:10.960 --> 00:45:18.079
Yeah, you call yourself a leader of the free world, yet sometimes you support the most oppressive regimes when they serve your interests, don't you?
00:45:24.320 --> 00:45:26.239
I just came to look at castles.
00:45:26.400 --> 00:45:27.119
I don't know.
00:45:28.960 --> 00:45:31.519
I came to look at oppressive regime housing.
00:45:35.599 --> 00:45:36.960
I learned how to shut them up though.
00:45:37.039 --> 00:45:37.599
It works every time.
00:45:37.679 --> 00:45:38.239
Okay, just do this.
00:45:38.639 --> 00:45:39.039
It's wonderful.
00:45:39.119 --> 00:45:41.920
Just look him right in the eye and go, whoa, whoa, excuse me.
00:45:43.360 --> 00:45:44.639
I'm a Canadian.
00:45:49.199 --> 00:45:50.239
Sorry, mate!
00:45:52.800 --> 00:45:54.559
Can I borrow your beer then?
00:45:55.760 --> 00:45:56.320
Works every time.
00:45:56.559 --> 00:45:59.199
Actually, that's a red redneck brit, too, by the way.
00:45:59.519 --> 00:46:09.440
Yo, yik, oh, I'm from Birmingham! I was accosted by a posh brit, too.
00:46:09.840 --> 00:46:11.119
That's a totally different story.
00:46:11.679 --> 00:46:13.360
A lot more syllables involved in this.
00:46:15.599 --> 00:46:21.199
Excuse me, I was ruminating over the prospect that the Americans of the peoples are addicted to petroleum.
00:46:23.360 --> 00:46:27.280
And I think if you would intrust even for a moment, you would come to the same conclusion.
00:46:28.239 --> 00:46:29.920
You refuse to look for alternatives.
00:46:30.239 --> 00:46:33.280
And you will undertake any measure to acquire the substance of your addiction.
00:46:33.360 --> 00:46:38.320
I think this suggests that your relationship to the substance has gone far beyond the market value.
00:46:43.840 --> 00:46:45.199
I'm just having a beer.
00:46:45.280 --> 00:46:46.480
I didn't know about that.
00:46:48.559 --> 00:46:51.119
I hear that thrown around a lot, that we're addicted to petroleum.
00:46:51.199 --> 00:46:52.719
That's I don't know what you're supposed to do.
00:46:53.760 --> 00:47:00.239
There's no Gasaholics Anonymous meeting I've ever heard of that would you know a bunch of SUVs parked out front.
00:47:00.960 --> 00:47:03.440
Hi, my name's America, I'm a gas aholic.
00:47:04.639 --> 00:47:05.599
Yeah, I said it.
00:47:05.679 --> 00:47:06.320
I feel better.
00:47:06.480 --> 00:47:07.280
Thanks.
00:47:08.079 --> 00:47:09.119
How'd it start?
00:47:09.360 --> 00:47:10.400
I don't know.
00:47:10.719 --> 00:47:17.039
I guess it began a while back when I started burning wood for heat, really.
00:47:17.760 --> 00:47:18.880
Everybody was doing it.
00:47:18.960 --> 00:47:19.599
It was natural.
00:47:19.679 --> 00:47:21.519
You could grow it yourself, man.
00:47:22.960 --> 00:47:25.519
Seriously, it's like God wanted us to burn it.
00:47:26.239 --> 00:47:27.119
He put it here.
00:47:29.280 --> 00:47:31.199
And then they gave me this stuff called coal.
00:47:31.280 --> 00:47:33.280
This was like wood concentrate, right?
00:47:33.360 --> 00:47:34.000
You know what I'm saying?
00:47:34.320 --> 00:47:35.679
Yeah, you couldn't grow it yourself.
00:47:35.760 --> 00:47:37.440
You had to get it from a dealer.
00:47:38.960 --> 00:47:39.679
Seriously.
00:47:39.760 --> 00:47:42.559
But once you tried coal, you were not going back to wood.
00:47:45.679 --> 00:47:47.519
Ha! It was good stuff.
00:47:47.599 --> 00:47:55.760
And then they liquefied it into this oil, which you'd freebaste with a refinery into this golden serum called gasoline.
00:47:56.000 --> 00:47:58.639
Oh my god, that was good shit.
00:47:59.920 --> 00:48:03.280
I just use a little bit every day to pick me up and get me going where I needed to go.
00:48:03.360 --> 00:48:04.400
You know how it starts, right?
00:48:04.559 --> 00:48:06.480
Like, I can handle it.
00:48:07.039 --> 00:48:10.880
Pretty soon I had a dealer in every town who would hook me up when I needed it.
00:48:11.760 --> 00:48:15.039
Then one day I woke up and my dealer had become president.
00:48:15.280 --> 00:48:16.320
No wow.
00:48:18.400 --> 00:48:19.519
No wow.
00:48:25.119 --> 00:48:27.119
I myself applauded.
00:48:27.519 --> 00:48:35.679
Because then we got the good foreign stuff, not that domestic crap, but we got like the Athabascan tar sand, the Amazonian gold, the Saudi Light Suite.
00:48:36.079 --> 00:48:38.000
Oh my god, that was good stuff.
00:48:38.320 --> 00:48:40.880
We were pipelining it from here to there.
00:48:41.360 --> 00:48:43.599
I was kicking like a 20-gallon-a-day habit.
00:48:43.760 --> 00:48:44.320
I didn't even care.
00:48:44.400 --> 00:48:45.599
And everybody was doing it, man.
00:48:45.679 --> 00:48:46.400
It was a party.
00:48:46.480 --> 00:48:50.000
And then they tried to cut off our supply, and I just freaking snapped.
00:48:51.360 --> 00:48:54.000
I was like, whoa, whoa, step away from my stuff.
00:48:54.480 --> 00:48:56.880
Or say hello to my little friend.
00:48:57.840 --> 00:48:59.519
That's my shit, you talking about.
00:49:00.880 --> 00:49:03.519
That's when I realized I may have a problem.
00:49:05.199 --> 00:49:14.480
So I'm not making that up.
00:49:14.880 --> 00:49:17.760
Not a good one, obviously, because you got married.
00:49:17.920 --> 00:49:18.719
Whoops.
00:49:21.199 --> 00:49:23.039
That's a tough gig, Catholic priest.
00:49:23.119 --> 00:49:23.440
Think about it.
00:49:23.599 --> 00:49:30.719
Your job is to swear to celibacy and spend the rest of your life in a small dark room listening to everybody else's creepy stories.
00:49:31.519 --> 00:49:33.440
Are you serious you did that?
00:49:34.000 --> 00:49:34.960
Oh man.
00:49:36.480 --> 00:49:38.559
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a sin.
00:49:38.719 --> 00:49:38.880
Oh.
00:49:42.079 --> 00:49:44.480
If it's not on the list, we'll add it later.
00:49:45.519 --> 00:49:47.519
We'd never really thought of that.
00:49:53.440 --> 00:49:55.679
What were you wearing when you did that?
00:49:59.119 --> 00:50:02.400
Alright, your penance is you have to tell me that story ten more times.
00:50:06.159 --> 00:50:06.960
I went to Sunday school.
00:50:07.039 --> 00:50:08.320
It's never very good at the Sunday school.
00:50:08.400 --> 00:50:10.639
I always had that what if voice going on in my head.
00:50:10.719 --> 00:50:11.599
But what if?
00:50:12.000 --> 00:50:13.440
What if, but what if?
00:50:14.159 --> 00:50:17.760
You know, like you know what Jesus said, but you can't be that sure how he said it.
00:50:18.159 --> 00:50:20.400
What if he was really sarcastic?
00:50:21.760 --> 00:50:22.320
Oh yeah.
00:50:22.400 --> 00:50:25.280
I'm pretty sure the meek will inherit the earth.
00:50:29.360 --> 00:50:31.039
Yeah, it'll be the meek.
00:50:31.119 --> 00:50:32.559
That's who will do it.
00:50:34.320 --> 00:50:36.880
No, I'm gonna die to save all of you.
00:50:43.360 --> 00:50:46.079
Well, I only brought one fish, but it fed everyone.
00:50:46.320 --> 00:50:47.599
It was amazing.
00:50:51.840 --> 00:50:56.159
I'm more for some reason I'm more comfortable with the long tradition of the Catholic Church, though.
00:50:56.239 --> 00:51:02.320
All that extra paraphernalia people say, oh, it's ridiculous, the big mannequin, the robes, it's all just a bunch of it's unnecessary.
00:51:02.559 --> 00:51:03.519
But I don't know.
00:51:03.679 --> 00:51:04.639
I like it.
00:51:04.960 --> 00:51:06.719
Like when the Pope died, wasn't that awesome?
00:51:06.800 --> 00:51:08.639
That big funeral which went on forever?
00:51:08.880 --> 00:51:13.360
All the costumes and even even the funeral procession never seemed to end.
00:51:13.599 --> 00:51:25.119
All these little boys choirs going on, I'm not sure.
00:51:54.639 --> 00:51:55.360
But I don't know.
00:51:55.440 --> 00:51:56.320
I like the ritual.
00:51:57.039 --> 00:51:58.159
It gives me soulless.
00:51:58.320 --> 00:51:59.599
For some reason, I have no idea why.
00:51:59.679 --> 00:52:04.239
I think a lot of a lot of modern American evangelical events don't offer that.
00:52:04.960 --> 00:52:06.880
Have you ever seen like a modern healing?
00:52:06.960 --> 00:52:09.199
It looks like professional wrestling half the time.
00:52:09.519 --> 00:52:13.840
Seriously, they got all the pyrotechnics, you know, the rock and roll big stadiums of people.
00:52:17.760 --> 00:52:20.559
The good versus evil theme always being played out.
00:52:20.639 --> 00:52:22.880
I'll join a mother controlly.
00:52:28.639 --> 00:52:31.360
Bring an elbow down on them, finish them off.
00:52:34.239 --> 00:52:37.679
I don't know if I'm watching a healing or a smackdown half the time.
00:52:40.079 --> 00:52:43.519
The American religious leaders say the most bizarre stuff sometimes.
00:52:43.599 --> 00:52:44.880
You have to admit that.
00:52:45.119 --> 00:52:46.880
Like Pat Robertson.
00:52:47.440 --> 00:52:47.840
I don't know.
00:52:48.079 --> 00:52:51.039
Calls for the assassination of the president of Venezuela.
00:52:51.199 --> 00:52:55.039
Now, how do you follow that with praise the Lord?
00:52:58.400 --> 00:53:02.880
Maybe you just assign God the wrong voice, and everybody assigns God a voice that they want God to have.
00:53:02.960 --> 00:53:10.880
Maybe I don't know what voice Pat Scott has, but I think it's something like Reverend Pat Robinson.
00:53:12.320 --> 00:53:14.400
This is God the Father.
00:53:15.440 --> 00:53:18.239
Chavez, Donald Venezuela.
00:53:19.119 --> 00:53:23.760
It's making it very difficult for me to spread my message of love and forgiveness.
00:53:25.519 --> 00:53:28.239
So I'd like you to whack that cocksucker.
00:53:32.960 --> 00:53:35.119
I want him dead, you know what I'm saying?
00:53:36.000 --> 00:53:40.079
I would send my own son the door, but Jesus is such a pacifist, you know.
00:53:47.760 --> 00:53:49.760
Aren't the big ones the easiest to hit?
00:53:55.840 --> 00:53:58.079
How do you miss a moose, for heaven's sakes?
00:53:58.159 --> 00:54:01.119
That's it's like the beginner target, really.
00:54:01.679 --> 00:54:04.559
You want to impress people, hang the head of a mouse above your fireplace.
00:54:04.639 --> 00:54:05.599
That would be nice.
00:54:06.960 --> 00:54:09.440
I got him from 300 yards, man.
00:54:10.000 --> 00:54:11.599
Little bastard's coming right at me.
00:54:14.639 --> 00:54:15.599
One shot.
00:54:16.079 --> 00:54:17.199
Took him out.
00:54:18.719 --> 00:54:21.039
Saved the head so I could mount it, but the ass.
00:54:21.119 --> 00:54:23.280
I couldn't even find the body of the gone.
00:54:25.760 --> 00:54:28.159
This one here, this is a hummingbird.
00:54:30.480 --> 00:54:32.480
Got it during bow season.
00:54:34.400 --> 00:54:35.920
Told you I was a good hunter.
00:54:36.400 --> 00:54:37.199
Second arrow.
00:54:37.519 --> 00:54:38.400
I won't lie to you.
00:54:38.559 --> 00:54:39.360
First arrow missed.
00:54:39.440 --> 00:54:40.639
Hit this old lady here.
00:54:40.800 --> 00:54:44.559
She's she was changing the feeder.
00:54:47.280 --> 00:54:49.039
She should wear an orange hat next time.
00:54:49.119 --> 00:54:50.079
That's all I was on.
00:54:52.400 --> 00:54:53.199
Check this out.
00:54:53.280 --> 00:54:54.239
I saved her crooked finger.
00:54:54.320 --> 00:54:54.719
Check it out.
00:54:54.880 --> 00:54:55.519
Look at that part.
00:54:57.599 --> 00:54:59.280
Hang the coat on it.
00:55:03.679 --> 00:55:11.199
I think it'd be great if taxidermists were required by law to stuff the animal doing what it was doing when you kill it.
00:55:14.559 --> 00:55:16.559
Then you have to wait for it to do something cool.
00:55:16.800 --> 00:55:19.679
You couldn't have like, why'd you stuff your bears sleeping?
00:55:21.280 --> 00:55:22.800
I got him in January.
00:55:22.960 --> 00:55:25.920
He was he was a little nappy.
00:55:28.639 --> 00:55:30.480
Why was your moose like that?
00:55:34.400 --> 00:55:35.920
Oh, the other one got away.
00:55:36.159 --> 00:55:36.960
Okay, I think.
00:55:40.880 --> 00:55:43.760
If I see two doing that again, I'm gonna get the lower one.
00:55:44.400 --> 00:55:45.440
Have the set.
00:55:50.480 --> 00:55:52.239
This term sportsman has gotta go.
00:55:52.400 --> 00:55:54.559
Hunting may be challenging, but it's not really.
00:55:54.719 --> 00:55:58.400
If it's a sport, it's like the only one where the other team has no idea it's playing.
00:55:58.559 --> 00:55:59.519
That's weird.
00:56:02.320 --> 00:56:03.760
It's like waking your friend up in the morning.
00:56:03.840 --> 00:56:06.079
I just beat you in basketball an hour ago.
00:56:07.599 --> 00:56:09.360
I was unstoppable!
00:56:11.760 --> 00:56:12.880
You suck.
00:56:16.880 --> 00:56:20.559
My favorite hunting story around these parts, though, that macaw whale hunt.
00:56:21.760 --> 00:56:22.400
I love that.
00:56:22.639 --> 00:56:25.840
What's interesting is how it plays out among the general population.
00:56:26.000 --> 00:56:31.119
Some people are for it, some are most are against, which you know, I I gotta I'm for it.
00:56:31.199 --> 00:56:32.320
I figure whatever, whatever.
00:56:32.400 --> 00:56:34.559
It's part of their history, part of their culture, right?
00:56:35.119 --> 00:56:38.639
Not that I'm for the wholehearted slaughter of whales, but they whaled for thousands of years.
00:56:38.719 --> 00:56:40.320
There were always lots of whales.
00:56:40.559 --> 00:56:43.440
The whole extinction issue started when the white guy showed up, you know.
00:56:44.000 --> 00:56:46.159
Hey, let's get us some whales too.
00:56:47.039 --> 00:56:50.159
Woohoo! Look at 'em all.
00:56:51.679 --> 00:56:53.679
This'll take forever.
00:56:56.480 --> 00:56:57.199
Give me that.
00:57:32.239 --> 00:57:34.960
Man, these damn Indians just want to kill 'em all.
00:57:36.639 --> 00:57:38.639
No respect for nature.
00:57:42.079 --> 00:57:44.320
I'm just saying, they're not the whale-aholics.
00:57:44.400 --> 00:57:46.079
They can stop after just two.
00:57:50.000 --> 00:57:52.000
The anti-whal people are kind of funny, though.
00:57:52.079 --> 00:57:53.360
They're, oh, that's right.
00:57:53.760 --> 00:57:55.920
Two macaws in the front row.
00:57:58.159 --> 00:58:00.000
The anti-whalpeople, they have big hearts.
00:58:00.079 --> 00:58:04.239
They want to save the whale, but they they interfere with the hunt by riding a jet ski.
00:58:04.320 --> 00:58:06.960
Now, how ironic is that?
00:58:07.119 --> 00:58:09.440
The environmentalist saving the planet on jet skis.
00:58:09.840 --> 00:58:15.920
Save the whale! The ocean's a sanctuary.
00:58:20.320 --> 00:58:22.320
Makar paddling a dugout canoe.
00:58:22.400 --> 00:58:24.159
What the hell is going on?
00:58:27.519 --> 00:58:29.519
Why don't we get a jet ski?
00:58:32.239 --> 00:58:35.440
When he comes over, let's harpoon his ass, take that jet skate, man.
00:58:36.880 --> 00:58:38.000
Looks like fun
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:00.719
But here's the thing.
00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:07.599
When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
00:00:07.839 --> 00:00:09.839
But she was so smart and so funny.
00:00:16.079 --> 00:00:18.000
I wanted to ask you this forever.
00:00:18.320 --> 00:00:19.440
You like Billy?
00:00:20.399 --> 00:00:23.440
Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
00:00:23.600 --> 00:00:26.399
When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:38.399
Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:41.359
When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:50.960
The bottle swung across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
00:00:51.200 --> 00:00:53.119
I wanted to ask you this forever.
00:00:53.280 --> 00:00:54.399
Do you like Billy?
00:00:55.280 --> 00:01:02.719
But here's the thing: when my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:05.040
But she is so smart and so funny.
00:01:05.359 --> 00:01:11.040
The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:13.200
I wanted to ask you this forever.
00:01:13.359 --> 00:01:14.480
Do you like Billy?
00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:16.239
Nate Rocky.
00:01:16.480 --> 00:01:18.480
A house, actually, is what they bring.
00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:21.599
That's true.
00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:22.480
It's a nice one, too.
00:01:22.560 --> 00:01:24.000
I sent her first husband a thank you card.
00:01:24.079 --> 00:01:27.040
I was pretty thrilled with the That kitchen remodel.
00:01:27.120 --> 00:01:28.400
Is awesome, dude.
00:01:31.359 --> 00:01:33.280
She doesn't accept these weird games, too.
00:01:33.359 --> 00:01:39.359
I don't know where she comes up with them, but like I don't know where once over lunch, she goes, I think we should each pick a fantasy lover.
00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:43.760
And if we ever meet them, we get to sleep with them and it's not cheating.
00:01:45.840 --> 00:01:46.480
What?
00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:50.560
She chose Antonio Banderas.
00:01:52.879 --> 00:01:53.840
Whatever.
00:01:54.560 --> 00:01:55.920
I chose our neighbor.
00:02:01.840 --> 00:02:02.959
Kind of the guy move.
00:02:03.040 --> 00:02:04.719
Shoot for the moon, honey.
00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:08.319
I'm taking the guaranteed real estate right over here.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:20.960
She's a vegetarian too.
00:02:21.120 --> 00:02:21.599
Anybody here?
00:02:21.759 --> 00:02:22.800
Vegetarian?
00:02:24.879 --> 00:02:25.520
You are?
00:02:25.840 --> 00:02:26.639
How long?
00:02:27.439 --> 00:02:29.039
She's so quiet, she can barely talk.
00:02:29.199 --> 00:02:30.240
I'm about 20.
00:02:30.400 --> 00:02:31.360
Oh my god.
00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:33.439
I feel weak.
00:02:35.439 --> 00:02:36.400
I need a taxi.
00:02:39.199 --> 00:02:40.800
Twenty years, that's good.
00:02:41.120 --> 00:02:43.680
Moral reasons or yeah.
00:02:44.560 --> 00:02:46.560
Some people don't like to see cute things die.
00:02:48.960 --> 00:02:49.280
Moral.
00:02:49.680 --> 00:02:50.080
I don't know.
00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:51.120
She does it for moral.
00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:52.080
I'm not a vegetarian.
00:02:52.159 --> 00:02:53.919
I think no matter what you eat, you gotta kill.
00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:56.479
And you just kill stuff that can't run away.
00:02:56.560 --> 00:02:59.840
I mean, what the what chance does lettuce have?
00:02:59.919 --> 00:03:01.199
It's a little head on the soil.
00:03:01.360 --> 00:03:01.840
Hey man.
00:03:02.960 --> 00:03:03.439
Ouch!
00:03:06.800 --> 00:03:08.960
Carrots don't even see it coming.
00:03:14.879 --> 00:03:16.400
At least cows have an option.
00:03:16.560 --> 00:03:18.319
Let's move, let's get up, let's go!
00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:31.039
She does eat seafood, not hamburgers, that's bad, but oyster burgers and clam fritters are fine, which I know a fancy name for with bread, is all that is.
00:03:34.960 --> 00:03:40.879
We took our honeymoon to Wyoming, which I know, kind of a bad place to go if you're a vegetarian.
00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:41.759
That's all I'm saying.
00:03:42.639 --> 00:03:43.919
Beef is a religion there.
00:03:44.319 --> 00:03:47.759
You go to Catholic Mass, you don't get a wafer, you get a cube steak, is what you get.
00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:49.680
The body of Christ.
00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:53.840
Whoa! You'd think they'd be running out by now.
00:03:57.439 --> 00:03:58.800
Selling that on eBay.
00:04:05.520 --> 00:04:06.240
I'm serious.
00:04:06.319 --> 00:04:09.360
There was a sign on the border that said, Welcome to Wyoming, eat beef.
00:04:09.680 --> 00:04:10.719
Some rancher had it.
00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:11.840
Cows grazing all around it.
00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:13.360
Wonder what that sign says.
00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:17.920
Any other state, we would have been fine, you know.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:20.160
Welcome to Idaho, eat potatoes.
00:04:20.480 --> 00:04:22.720
Welcome to Wisconsin, eat cheese.
00:04:22.959 --> 00:04:25.279
Welcome to New York, eat this.
00:04:29.759 --> 00:04:32.079
Welcome to Oregon, the beaver state.
00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:33.279
So what we're talking about.
00:04:36.240 --> 00:04:37.519
I know, it is.
00:04:37.759 --> 00:04:40.800
Kind of explains that Oregon trail movement in the 1840s, doesn't it?
00:04:41.360 --> 00:04:42.079
Got a secret?
00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:43.120
Tell you when we get there.
00:04:43.279 --> 00:04:43.680
Woo!
00:04:46.319 --> 00:04:48.800
Also explains why all the Mormons stopped in Utah.
00:04:50.800 --> 00:04:51.600
You have eight wives.
00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:53.040
You go on ahead, I'm not that hungry.
00:04:53.120 --> 00:04:54.079
I'll stay over here.
00:04:58.879 --> 00:05:00.399
We were not there to go hiking.
00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:04.560
Found out that we hiked for totally different reasons, which I think is a gender thing.
00:05:05.199 --> 00:05:07.519
She'd get to the top of the mountain and take a picture every time.
00:05:07.600 --> 00:05:10.399
It's like so gorgeous.
00:05:12.319 --> 00:05:14.160
And I didn't care what the view was.
00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:17.920
Every time I hit the peak, my first instinct take a pee.
00:05:18.959 --> 00:05:21.839
I think it's a every guy in this room is peed from a high place.
00:05:21.920 --> 00:05:23.040
You can't deny that.
00:05:23.279 --> 00:05:25.040
Because it makes you feel so big, doesn't it?
00:05:25.120 --> 00:05:29.040
It's like my pee falls 3,000 feet before it hits the ground.
00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:33.519
Eagles fly beneath my pee.
00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:51.199
I'm laser man.
00:05:53.279 --> 00:05:54.639
Burning through the earth.
00:05:56.879 --> 00:05:59.360
Give me some coarse light, I'll cut this tree down.
00:06:03.120 --> 00:06:05.279
And then we're very focused peeing in the woods.
00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:08.480
I don't worry about a pee on that rock right there that's my rock.
00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:10.480
I own it.
00:06:11.199 --> 00:06:12.000
I moved it.
00:06:12.399 --> 00:06:14.000
I'm excavating.
00:06:15.839 --> 00:06:17.040
Oh, check it out a beetle.
00:06:17.120 --> 00:06:18.480
Run, you little bastard room.
00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:24.959
Women, totally different.
00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:27.279
You ever seen women tinkle in the woods?
00:06:27.600 --> 00:06:29.839
You always have this far away look.
00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:42.480
What are you all thinking about it?
00:06:42.560 --> 00:06:43.680
I would love to know.
00:06:46.720 --> 00:06:48.079
Oh, damn it, shoot.
00:06:54.879 --> 00:06:59.120
I know it's dangerous for women too, because you're down there, you get one of those little tinkle shivers.
00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:03.839
It's gross.
00:07:08.079 --> 00:07:09.920
Not the real outdoorsy types, though.
00:07:10.079 --> 00:07:12.319
There's REI mountain babes, they got their own technique.
00:07:12.399 --> 00:07:17.279
It's like want some toilet paper, Sandy?
00:07:17.360 --> 00:07:19.920
No, I'll just walk through these little bushes right over here.
00:07:20.879 --> 00:07:22.720
Maybe straddle this mossy log.
00:07:22.800 --> 00:07:24.240
I've got a little taken care of.
00:07:29.439 --> 00:07:31.839
I don't want to get into how I know any of this, by the way.
00:07:31.920 --> 00:07:35.519
That's gonna that is another story.
00:07:36.319 --> 00:07:41.040
If I could have changed one thing, though, before we got married, I and I recommend this to other couples.
00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:44.959
Before you get married, have the woman sleep with another woman.
00:07:48.720 --> 00:07:51.519
Well, for me it's far more practical.
00:07:52.800 --> 00:07:58.959
I just figure that way she'll understand how difficult it can sometimes be to physically satisfy another woman.
00:07:59.439 --> 00:08:02.639
She'll cut you some slack when you're not doing the job right.
00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:05.839
Because women have it easy.
00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:08.480
Sleeping with men is the easiest job on the planet, that.
00:08:08.800 --> 00:08:11.519
Really, who can't figure out how a guy works?
00:08:11.920 --> 00:08:14.959
We're wired like Fisher Price children's toys.
00:08:15.360 --> 00:08:23.839
You know, one leave earth, a man goes, I most high school girls get it right the very first try.
00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:25.279
Well, I wonder how this works.
00:08:25.519 --> 00:08:26.959
Well, okay, I guess that's how.
00:08:32.799 --> 00:08:36.240
Women are all wired like Boeing 747s.
00:08:36.799 --> 00:08:38.960
Walk on board, there's a million buttons.
00:08:39.200 --> 00:08:40.320
Oh my god.
00:08:44.320 --> 00:08:46.399
Only one of them turns the plane on.
00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:56.320
Sometimes you find the button, everything works, come back the next day.
00:08:56.559 --> 00:08:57.840
Same airplane.
00:08:58.320 --> 00:09:00.080
The button is moved or something.
00:09:05.279 --> 00:09:09.039
I've learned when you're married, sometimes you gotta press it a week before you want to fly.
00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:10.320
What the hell?
00:09:13.759 --> 00:09:18.000
But this is why older women are great, because older women have a user's manual, all right?
00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:18.639
They do.
00:09:18.799 --> 00:09:21.200
And if you're doing it wrong, they read it to you.
00:09:21.840 --> 00:09:22.799
Right there on the spot.
00:09:22.879 --> 00:09:25.679
My wife's in her late 40s, she's like a general in the army half the time.
00:09:25.840 --> 00:09:27.519
All right, listen up, soldier.
00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:31.200
Today we're gonna start here in the mountains.
00:09:32.159 --> 00:09:33.360
Do some recon.
00:09:33.440 --> 00:09:33.919
Take your time.
00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:35.039
It's very important.
00:09:37.600 --> 00:09:43.120
Now, when you're ready, I want you to slip down between those mountains, head south across the flat plain, stretching out ahead.
00:09:43.279 --> 00:09:44.240
Hopefully it's flat.
00:09:44.320 --> 00:09:46.639
If it's not, cross anyway, goddammit.
00:09:47.360 --> 00:09:48.879
That's the battle in the bulge.
00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:50.320
We'll get to that later.
00:09:52.960 --> 00:09:56.799
Now, do some recon in Hamterland, circle around, secure the west side.
00:09:57.039 --> 00:09:58.960
Now, at this point, go back to headquarters.
00:09:59.039 --> 00:10:00.399
Let them know you care.
00:10:01.440 --> 00:10:05.519
You cut off communication with headquarters, you're in trouble, I'll tell you that right now.
00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:08.159
You'll be in this battle all alone.
00:10:12.879 --> 00:10:15.039
I feel I'm revealing too much.
00:10:15.679 --> 00:10:18.240
Actually, you know, guys, we're not perfect either.
00:10:18.320 --> 00:10:25.120
I mean, our wiring, sometimes when a guy's having sex, what he thinks he's doing and what's actually happening are two pretty different things.
00:10:25.440 --> 00:10:27.120
And it's not our fault.
00:10:27.440 --> 00:10:31.919
Because we have a billion nerves in our body, all but about eight of them right there.
00:10:34.799 --> 00:10:37.200
Any guy will tell you, it amplifies the experience.
00:10:37.279 --> 00:10:38.559
Your brain thinks you're going.
00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:02.159
Who's your father, Luke?
00:11:04.080 --> 00:11:05.759
I'm your father.
00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:13.519
Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
00:11:13.679 --> 00:11:16.320
When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
00:11:16.720 --> 00:11:26.080
Holy shit The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:28.159
I wanted to ask you this forever.
00:11:28.399 --> 00:11:29.519
Do you like Billy?
00:11:29.759 --> 00:11:30.080
Nate.
00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:33.600
Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:36.480
When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
00:11:40.240 --> 00:11:40.960
But here's the thing.
00:11:41.120 --> 00:11:44.639
When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia.
00:11:44.799 --> 00:11:47.840
Which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
00:11:48.080 --> 00:11:50.000
But she is so smart and so funny.
00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:54.000
When I was a kid, I was in a band.
00:11:54.799 --> 00:11:56.559
Alright, I was in a band.
00:11:57.360 --> 00:11:58.879
No one gets paid to do.
00:11:59.279 --> 00:12:00.879
Like the Olympics.
00:12:01.279 --> 00:12:05.759
I just find there's a level of commitment that professional paid athletes don't have.
00:12:06.080 --> 00:12:07.600
Like the hammer throw.
00:12:08.240 --> 00:12:10.960
There's no endorsement dealer waiting for this guy.
00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:15.360
He works out for his whole life to get basically look like a meatball with a head.
00:12:16.799 --> 00:12:17.519
What do you do?
00:12:17.600 --> 00:12:18.960
I throw the hammer.
00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:20.879
Really, how often?
00:12:21.039 --> 00:12:26.559
Once every four years! But he's got passion, doesn't he?
00:12:26.639 --> 00:12:28.080
I mean, you ever watch the hammer throw?
00:12:28.159 --> 00:12:30.960
You can tell by when he throws it, he doesn't just chuck it, he goes.
00:12:34.799 --> 00:12:36.320
Because that's his throw, man.
00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:38.080
It's like a nerd having sex.
00:12:39.120 --> 00:12:41.360
He gets his shot.
00:12:43.679 --> 00:12:47.919
I'm amazed how good we do at the Olympics, too, when they don't even let us play our best sports, do they?
00:12:48.320 --> 00:12:48.960
Like football?
00:12:49.120 --> 00:12:50.159
We don't get to play that.
00:12:51.120 --> 00:12:51.600
We don't.
00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:53.519
Because it wouldn't be fair, really.
00:12:53.600 --> 00:12:56.320
Can you imagine Korea versus the US in football?
00:12:57.279 --> 00:13:00.559
And Korea kicks off, and the Americans score.
00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:05.440
And uh four Koreans are dead.
00:13:08.000 --> 00:13:08.480
Bowling?
00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:09.919
There's no Olympic bowling.
00:13:10.080 --> 00:13:10.720
We would rule.
00:13:10.879 --> 00:13:11.519
We would rule.
00:13:11.600 --> 00:13:18.960
Not necessarily people from Washington, but uh somebody from Iowa would probably take the gold.
00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:23.279
I picked the Midwest because I heard bowling on the radio out there once.
00:13:23.600 --> 00:13:30.399
I just think I just think that's a level of bowling fanaticism that we don't have on the West Coast.
00:13:31.679 --> 00:13:33.039
Because it's not good radio.
00:13:33.200 --> 00:13:34.720
Can I can I be honest with you?
00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:35.759
It's not.
00:13:36.399 --> 00:13:38.799
Here's pretty much what I listen to for half an hour.
00:13:38.879 --> 00:13:42.159
And Fred Beckler lines up to throw his fifth frame.
00:13:51.120 --> 00:13:53.120
Just a bit outside.
00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:00.720
We'll be waiting for that ball to return now.
00:14:09.679 --> 00:14:18.240
I should mention Fred is wearing Hager adjustable fit slacks, the official slack of the bowler's tour.
00:14:21.600 --> 00:14:23.759
Still waiting on that ball here, anyway.
00:14:25.600 --> 00:14:26.799
Well, there it is.
00:14:26.879 --> 00:14:27.840
No, that's not his.
00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:28.320
Okay.
00:14:33.200 --> 00:14:36.480
Should mention Fred's the only black bowler in the tournament today.
00:14:37.200 --> 00:14:40.960
Sport not real popular with our African American athletes yet.
00:14:41.519 --> 00:14:48.320
Fred got started young because he kind of liked watching the large black ball just knock over all the skinny white redneck pins.
00:14:57.120 --> 00:15:02.480
I think we could improve the Olympics by putting see, you can't tell how good they are anymore, because everybody's good, right?
00:15:02.879 --> 00:15:06.559
You see 10 guys run a sprint and one guy wins, we go, that guy's fast.
00:15:06.720 --> 00:15:08.159
Then a guy gets 10th.
00:15:08.399 --> 00:15:09.759
10th fastest guy on the planet.
00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:11.679
We're at home going, loser.
00:15:12.879 --> 00:15:14.399
Going faster, Mr.
00:15:14.639 --> 00:15:15.279
Guy.
00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:26.480
That's why I think every sport should have a prospective athlete, so you can tell how good the athletes really are.
00:15:26.720 --> 00:15:30.080
Like in track, you'd have a pink lane going around the track, right?
00:15:30.639 --> 00:15:34.000
Right before the race, you just grab some random yayhoo from the audience.
00:15:34.639 --> 00:15:35.919
Come on down here, sir.
00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:39.919
You're gonna run in the pink lane today, representing the rest of humanity.
00:15:42.639 --> 00:15:46.399
That way our viewers at home can see how fast these other freaks of nature really are.
00:15:49.600 --> 00:15:55.039
Gymnastics would be hilarious with the pink, pink guy on the rings.
00:16:05.600 --> 00:16:08.240
And the sport that really should be in the Olympics, bull riding.
00:16:08.320 --> 00:16:09.360
Oh my god, I don't know why.
00:16:09.519 --> 00:16:10.639
Yeah, I know.
00:16:11.120 --> 00:16:13.919
That's that's gotta be the toughest sport on the planet.
00:16:14.000 --> 00:16:17.279
It's the only one you watch for not even for a second, do you say to yourself?
00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:19.679
I might try that someday.
00:16:21.679 --> 00:16:22.000
Right?
00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:25.440
No, I'm not hopping on a 3,000-pound cow, so mad he's pooping himself.
00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:34.720
They're not normal bulls, they're not like Eatum Claw bulls, they're like these big steroided up East German women bulls, just over Lugas Nixon!
00:16:40.799 --> 00:16:42.879
Cowboys just go, he's ready, get on him.
00:16:46.159 --> 00:16:47.919
I don't know who invented bull riding.
00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:49.519
I think they were drunk when they came up with the idea.
00:16:49.679 --> 00:16:51.200
Can we be honest about this?
00:16:51.519 --> 00:16:54.080
The dead giveaway is that rodeo clown.
00:16:55.200 --> 00:16:59.200
The whole idea that you gotta dress like a clown to distract the bull.
00:17:00.320 --> 00:17:02.960
That's drunk thinking if I've ever heard it.
00:17:06.400 --> 00:17:09.359
I just picture some Texan stumbling out of a bar years ago.
00:17:09.599 --> 00:17:11.839
You know that big angry bull out back?
00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:15.519
I got an idea.
00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:19.759
I'm gonna ride that song, bitch.
00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:25.119
Alright, if I fall off, y'all better save my ass.
00:17:29.359 --> 00:17:31.680
You gotta dress like a clown.
00:17:34.960 --> 00:17:37.920
If you look like a cowboy, he'll see you coming.
00:17:39.839 --> 00:17:43.279
If you dress like a clown, he'll go, whoo ago, circus.
00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:57.920
And they only stay on for eight seconds, which maybe that's why people don't think it's hard, because eight seconds doesn't seem long, and it's not when you're in a chair.
00:17:59.279 --> 00:18:03.119
But I swear if you watch bull riding, every second gets longer for the poor bastard.
00:18:03.200 --> 00:18:05.279
It's like some sort of weird time warp.
00:18:05.839 --> 00:18:22.400
He's out there going one thousand one, one thousand two ring the bell.
00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:38.720
I appreciate that, but I'm not even on a bowl, I'm just jumping around.
00:18:38.799 --> 00:18:39.839
Can you imagine?
00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:44.079
Say put it in the Olympics.
00:18:44.480 --> 00:18:47.759
Would add perspective to some of those other sports, like the one with the ribbon.
00:18:50.079 --> 00:18:51.359
I'm an athlete.
00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:55.440
Shut up.
00:18:56.319 --> 00:18:58.559
Bring the girl with the put her on the bowl.
00:18:58.640 --> 00:18:59.519
That's what we need to do.
00:18:59.920 --> 00:19:00.720
Oh my god!
00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:04.960
I think she lost her rhythm there, Dick.
00:19:06.400 --> 00:19:07.759
There's the dismount.
00:19:10.799 --> 00:19:12.960
Let's see how the judges score that.
00:19:13.920 --> 00:19:14.480
Zero.
00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:16.160
Gotta stay on longer, Nadia.
00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:23.920
The best part would be watching the other countries try it, because you know, they'd have no clue.
00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:29.359
Some guy from Spain would show up with sparkly pants, little cape and a hat.
00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:34.799
Oh no, Paco, you gotta get on him.
00:19:38.640 --> 00:19:41.920
You can't just jump out of the way and say you're done.
00:19:42.880 --> 00:19:45.200
Hell, we got a clown that can do that.
00:19:50.400 --> 00:19:51.440
I know he's angry.
00:19:51.519 --> 00:19:54.160
You wait till he hike his nuts up a little bit.
00:19:59.599 --> 00:20:00.880
Some poor guy from India.
00:20:01.039 --> 00:20:01.599
Oh my god.
00:20:01.680 --> 00:20:07.039
Oh no! Oh my god! The second one is angry today.
00:20:13.519 --> 00:20:15.680
My favorite would be the Mexicans.
00:20:16.480 --> 00:20:17.440
Bullright.
00:20:17.920 --> 00:20:20.720
Okay, but can we cut the legs and chop it down a little bit?
00:20:24.559 --> 00:20:26.559
He's riding too high, Horns.
00:20:30.799 --> 00:20:34.000
The only country that wouldn't flinch would be the Australians, I think.
00:20:34.319 --> 00:20:38.079
You know, because the Aussies they have that attitude, they'll try anything.
00:20:38.160 --> 00:20:38.720
They don't show up.
00:20:38.799 --> 00:20:40.240
We'll have to get a hike as Jimmy's up.
00:20:40.319 --> 00:20:42.000
You better hike mine up too.
00:20:45.839 --> 00:20:48.319
If he can take it, I can take it.
00:20:49.279 --> 00:20:52.079
This is Australian rules, we're riding now.
00:20:52.799 --> 00:20:54.240
I'll ride him for eight seconds.
00:20:54.319 --> 00:20:55.920
He rides me for nine.
00:20:59.680 --> 00:21:01.279
It was Asian studies.
00:21:02.160 --> 00:21:02.880
Well, what?
00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:03.759
Shut up.
00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:08.000
That'd be a good idea to learn about the neighbors across the pond.
00:21:08.799 --> 00:21:12.240
I quit I did it for a quarter and then quit, because check this out.
00:21:12.880 --> 00:21:14.799
I go to my Asian studies class.
00:21:15.359 --> 00:21:19.440
Over half the people in the class were Asian.
00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:24.880
That is bullshit.
00:21:27.680 --> 00:21:31.599
You know, I didn't go to Beijing University and take Caucasian studies.
00:21:32.079 --> 00:21:34.000
Hey class, how are you doing?
00:21:37.119 --> 00:21:38.319
What's that smell?
00:21:38.559 --> 00:21:39.680
I think it's an A.
00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:41.039
That's what that smell is.
00:21:42.799 --> 00:21:44.400
Put this man right here.
00:21:44.960 --> 00:21:47.519
I didn't mean to intimidate you, but boom.
00:21:52.880 --> 00:22:09.200
So I quit, became an engineering major, and did that for a quarter, and then quit that, because check I go to my engineering class, over half the people in the class were Asian.
00:22:12.880 --> 00:22:14.720
That is bullshit.
00:22:16.319 --> 00:22:18.400
Because they're smart and they study.
00:22:24.000 --> 00:22:25.599
Been to Asia a couple of times.
00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:28.880
I must say, uh, as a culture, they've been around a long time.
00:22:29.200 --> 00:22:31.119
But they're a little cocky because of that.
00:22:31.359 --> 00:22:32.319
I won't lie to you.
00:22:32.480 --> 00:22:33.359
Like China.
00:22:34.559 --> 00:22:42.960
Apparently, China invented feng shui, the ancient Chinese art of placing objects in your environment for positive energy flow and harmony.
00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:47.359
Now I've been to China, and I'm here to tell you.
00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:55.599
Feng shui may work, but apparently the ancient Chinese art of feng shui hasn't really caught on yet in China.
00:22:57.119 --> 00:23:00.400
Let's take the garbage and put it in the river.
00:23:00.640 --> 00:23:04.960
Yes! The flow, the qi, the peace.
00:23:05.839 --> 00:23:07.279
You've been to a Chinese market?
00:23:07.359 --> 00:23:10.640
Even one in America, it's the most chaotic place we'll ever go.
00:23:10.799 --> 00:23:12.720
A car bomb would organize the place.
00:23:12.880 --> 00:23:13.680
Have you been?
00:23:14.559 --> 00:23:18.480
It's like here we'll have flowers, and right next to it, a slaughtered pig.
00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:22.400
Yes! And some Adidas for sale.
00:23:22.640 --> 00:23:24.079
And a live cat.
00:23:24.799 --> 00:23:27.359
And a calendar from two years ago.
00:23:27.920 --> 00:23:28.559
What?
00:23:31.759 --> 00:23:34.480
The DJ at a classical music station.
00:23:35.519 --> 00:23:37.200
That's a sweet gig.
00:23:37.759 --> 00:23:40.319
Here's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.
00:23:40.880 --> 00:23:43.279
I'll be back in an hour and a half.
00:23:46.720 --> 00:23:49.440
Thursday, we're doing triple shots of Mahler.
00:23:50.640 --> 00:23:52.480
So I don't need to be here.
00:23:56.400 --> 00:23:59.519
I think toughest jobs on the planet, customer service jobs.
00:24:00.240 --> 00:24:00.720
Yeah, I know.
00:24:00.799 --> 00:24:03.119
I was gonna say there's always a few who agree.
00:24:03.920 --> 00:24:04.400
It is.
00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:07.599
It doesn't have to be, but the customer is always right.
00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:10.960
Or so they have been led to believe.
00:24:12.480 --> 00:24:13.759
When they're not.
00:24:14.640 --> 00:24:16.160
Customers are always bitchy.
00:24:16.480 --> 00:24:18.960
Customers get bitchy in the travel business, that's for sure.
00:24:19.119 --> 00:24:20.640
I've seen it, I've seen it so many times.
00:24:20.720 --> 00:24:23.519
I was sitting on an airplane once and they they made this little announcement.
00:24:23.759 --> 00:24:26.240
Our flight's gonna be delayed because we have a mechanical problem.
00:24:26.319 --> 00:24:28.960
Uh, we're not gonna do it, we'll keep you posted, shouldn't be long.
00:24:29.200 --> 00:24:31.440
This woman next to me goes, God damn it.
00:24:33.039 --> 00:24:33.519
What?
00:24:35.359 --> 00:24:36.400
Think about what she's saying.
00:24:36.559 --> 00:24:37.359
God damn it.
00:24:37.920 --> 00:24:41.119
I hate it when they find the problems before the plane takes off.
00:24:43.119 --> 00:24:46.000
Why can't they find it later when we're running out of all night?
00:24:47.839 --> 00:24:49.599
She pointed at the pilot.
00:24:54.000 --> 00:24:55.359
So then this guy comes on.
00:24:55.519 --> 00:24:56.240
He's late, by the way.
00:24:56.319 --> 00:25:00.559
He made the connection because the flight was delayed, and he's all huffy and puffy looking for a pillow.
00:25:00.880 --> 00:25:02.079
Can't find one.
00:25:02.400 --> 00:25:03.359
Gets all pissed off.
00:25:03.519 --> 00:25:04.160
Where's my pillow?
00:25:04.240 --> 00:25:15.119
You better find me a pillow, or I will have I will get your name and write a letter to the Andes that thing that they like he's our leader or something, turns to the rest of us.
00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:22.240
Suddenly he's miming in the 20s.
00:25:23.599 --> 00:25:25.359
We're all sitting there with our pillows.
00:25:31.359 --> 00:25:33.440
So where did the letter thing come from?
00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:34.880
Writing a letter about a pillow?
00:25:35.039 --> 00:25:36.640
How emasculating is that?
00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:37.200
You know what?
00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:41.279
Lewis and Clark crossed the country twice, took three years.
00:25:41.440 --> 00:25:42.480
They kept a journal.
00:25:42.640 --> 00:25:45.839
Nowhere is there a complaint like, dear President Jefferson.
00:25:46.640 --> 00:25:49.279
This tour you sent us on is bullshit.
00:25:51.359 --> 00:25:53.920
The river always flows the wrong direction.
00:25:54.319 --> 00:25:56.160
Our food runs away.
00:25:56.799 --> 00:25:59.759
Our tour guide is pregnant, for heaven's sake.
00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:02.720
I didn't get a pillow and my neck hurts.
00:26:06.079 --> 00:26:08.160
I'm just saying, you complain too much.
00:26:08.240 --> 00:26:10.960
You force customer service people to lie to you.
00:26:11.119 --> 00:26:18.160
Which is, you know, like, yeah, if I was the pilot on an airplane, I'd just make stuff up to make people glad we weren't leaving, you know?
00:26:18.400 --> 00:26:21.200
Folks, we just realized the wing is not bolted on.
00:26:25.599 --> 00:26:29.279
Some guy in the plane, oh bolted on, I know how to fix the wing.
00:26:37.119 --> 00:26:39.359
Or maybe something they can relate to, you know.
00:26:39.440 --> 00:26:42.160
Uh, folks, we just found a puppy in the engine.
00:26:43.599 --> 00:26:46.720
A six-week-old golden retriever puppy.
00:26:48.240 --> 00:26:56.640
And we can leave on time, but you know, as soon as we fire up that GE, that puppy will fly out the back at 800 miles an hour, hit the terminal like a paint pellet.
00:27:02.319 --> 00:27:04.079
Or we could take a few minutes and get them out.
00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:08.720
You know, some kind of big engineering suit, go up there, pretend to pull a puppy out.
00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:12.559
The puppy.
00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:15.599
Everybody on the plane to be writing letters.
00:27:15.680 --> 00:27:18.079
This is the best airline we've ever flown on.
00:27:18.400 --> 00:27:20.559
No puppies were killed.
00:27:24.480 --> 00:27:26.880
Worst job in the world is the lost luggage guy.
00:27:27.039 --> 00:27:28.000
That job.
00:27:28.480 --> 00:27:34.000
Because that's one of those customer service jobs you don't get to start your job until someone gets really pissed off.
00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:43.039
I've seen people snap like Hitler on D-Day, my luggage is off a Newton putting back and luggage lost and off in spec expensive.
00:27:46.880 --> 00:27:52.160
That's why I think customer service people should have a setup, not like a desk, but like the wizard of oz.
00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:56.079
So they can fight back to the angry people who deserve it.
00:27:56.400 --> 00:27:58.720
You know, like where's the lost luggage person?
00:27:58.799 --> 00:28:00.640
I need to find my luggage right through that door.
00:28:01.039 --> 00:28:02.000
All right, excuse me.
00:28:02.160 --> 00:28:02.880
Excuse me.
00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:05.279
Speak when you're spoken to.
00:28:08.799 --> 00:28:11.839
Your insolence has become tiresome.
00:28:26.880 --> 00:28:27.519
Yes.
00:28:29.039 --> 00:28:31.359
Um, I think my luggage was lost.
00:28:31.599 --> 00:28:33.200
It was not lost.
00:28:35.519 --> 00:28:38.240
You don't deserve it yet.
00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.319
Now go apologize to that boy at Taco Bell, you were such a dick to.
00:28:45.920 --> 00:28:47.759
And you shall get your bag.
00:28:47.920 --> 00:28:48.160
Okay.
00:28:59.039 --> 00:29:00.400
I'm not making that up.
00:29:00.799 --> 00:29:03.759
Not a good one, obviously, because he got married.
00:29:03.839 --> 00:29:04.480
Whoops.
00:29:07.039 --> 00:29:08.880
That's a tough gig, Catholic priest.
00:29:08.960 --> 00:29:09.359
Think about it.
00:29:09.519 --> 00:29:16.559
Your job is to swear to celibacy and spend the rest of your life in a small dark room listening to everybody else's creepy stories.
00:29:17.359 --> 00:29:18.319
Are you serious?
00:29:18.480 --> 00:29:19.359
You did that.
00:29:22.400 --> 00:29:24.480
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a sin.
00:29:24.559 --> 00:29:24.720
Oh.
00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:30.400
If it's not on the list, we'll add it later.
00:29:31.519 --> 00:29:33.359
We'd never really thought of that.
00:29:39.359 --> 00:29:41.599
What were you wearing when you did that?
00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:48.240
Alright, your penance is you have to tell me that story ten more times.
00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:52.880
I went to Sunday school.
00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:54.240
It's never very good at the Sunday school.
00:29:54.319 --> 00:29:59.359
I always had that what if voice going on in my head, but what if, what if, but what if?
00:30:00.079 --> 00:30:03.680
You know, like you know what Jesus said, but you can't be that sure how he said it.
00:30:04.079 --> 00:30:06.319
What if he was really sarcastic?
00:30:07.599 --> 00:30:08.240
Oh yeah.
00:30:08.319 --> 00:30:10.960
I'm pretty sure the meek will inherit the earth.
00:30:15.279 --> 00:30:16.960
Yeah, it'll be the meek.
00:30:17.039 --> 00:30:18.400
That's who will do it.
00:30:20.240 --> 00:30:22.799
No, I'm gonna die to save all of you.
00:30:29.279 --> 00:30:32.000
Well, I only brought one fish, but it fed everyone.
00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:33.440
It was amazing.
00:30:37.759 --> 00:30:42.079
I'm more for some reason I'm more comfortable with the long tradition of the Catholic Church, though.
00:30:42.160 --> 00:30:48.240
All that extra paraphernalia people say, it's all ridiculous, the big mannequin, the robes, it's all just a bunch of, it's unnecessary.
00:30:48.480 --> 00:30:49.440
But I don't know.
00:30:49.599 --> 00:30:50.559
I like it.
00:30:50.880 --> 00:30:52.640
Like when the Pope died, wasn't that awesome?
00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:54.559
That big funeral which went on forever?
00:30:54.799 --> 00:30:59.119
All the costumes and even even the funeral procession never seemed to end.
00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:13.680
All these little boys choirs going, ah, I'm not gonna go.
00:31:40.559 --> 00:31:42.160
But I don't know, I like the ritual.
00:31:42.960 --> 00:31:44.079
It gives me soulless.
00:31:44.240 --> 00:31:45.440
For some reason, I have no idea why.
00:31:45.519 --> 00:31:50.079
I think a lot of a lot of modern American evangelical events don't offer that.
00:31:50.880 --> 00:31:52.799
Have you ever seen like a modern healing?
00:31:52.880 --> 00:31:55.119
It looks like professional wrestling half the time.
00:31:55.440 --> 00:31:59.680
Seriously, they got all the pyrotechnics, you know, the rock and roll, big stadiums of people.
00:32:03.680 --> 00:32:06.400
The good versus evil theme always being played out.
00:32:06.559 --> 00:32:08.799
I'll join a mother controlly.
00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:17.279
Finish them off.
00:32:20.160 --> 00:32:23.599
I don't know if I'm watching a healing or a smackdown half the time.
00:32:25.920 --> 00:32:29.440
The American religious leaders say the most bizarre stuff sometimes.
00:32:29.519 --> 00:32:30.799
You have to admit that.
00:32:31.039 --> 00:32:32.640
Like Pat Robertson.
00:32:33.279 --> 00:32:33.680
I don't know.
00:32:33.920 --> 00:32:36.960
Calls for the assassination of the president of Venezuela.
00:32:37.119 --> 00:32:40.960
Now, how do you follow that with praise the Lord?
00:32:44.319 --> 00:32:48.720
Maybe you just assign God the wrong voice, and everybody assigns God a voice that they want God to have.
00:32:48.880 --> 00:32:56.799
Maybe I don't know what voice Pat Scott has, but I think it's something like Reverend Pat Robinson.
00:32:58.240 --> 00:33:00.319
This is God the Father.
00:33:01.359 --> 00:33:04.000
Chavez, Donald Venezuela.
00:33:04.960 --> 00:33:09.680
It's making it very difficult for me to spread my message of love and forgiveness.
00:33:11.440 --> 00:33:14.160
So I'd like you to whack that cocksucker.
00:33:18.880 --> 00:33:21.119
I want him dead, you know what I'm saying?
00:33:21.920 --> 00:33:26.160
I would send my own son the door, but Jesus is such a pacifist, you know.
00:33:32.799 --> 00:33:43.039
And uh, when it regards to uh defense and the war and everything else, is the people who are the most fervent about defending the borders of America.
00:33:44.240 --> 00:33:48.000
We're always in the last place anybody would ever invade.
00:33:49.119 --> 00:33:56.160
It's always some guy in the middle of Nebraska, we gotta get those out of the bitches before they come here and take my hand.
00:34:03.759 --> 00:34:05.599
My cow, way over there!
00:34:06.880 --> 00:34:10.320
And you go to the coast, and it's like, why don't we all just get along?
00:34:12.400 --> 00:34:13.440
Why don't we?
00:34:16.960 --> 00:34:22.000
I don't understand how I don't understand how the economics work, frankly, because it's just bizarre.
00:34:22.480 --> 00:34:28.239
Like every time we declare war or have a conflict anywhere, Congress passes an emergency funding bill.
00:34:29.119 --> 00:34:30.639
Does that bother anybody?
00:34:31.199 --> 00:34:34.800
Don't we give the Pentagon like billions of dollars every year?
00:34:35.280 --> 00:34:38.320
Don't they save any of that to have a war for heaven's sake?
00:34:38.960 --> 00:34:42.079
I save money for shit, I don't expect to happen.
00:34:42.719 --> 00:34:45.920
This is weird that Congress declares a war and the Pentagon goes, what?
00:34:46.159 --> 00:34:46.559
Really?
00:34:48.719 --> 00:34:49.599
Right now.
00:34:53.760 --> 00:34:55.519
Alright, everybody, Annie up for gas.
00:34:55.679 --> 00:34:56.480
Annie up.
00:34:57.360 --> 00:34:59.280
No, we gotta use it for real.
00:35:03.119 --> 00:35:05.119
Maybe we should start sponsoring the weapons.
00:35:05.199 --> 00:35:07.519
It seems to work for everything else that gets funding these days.
00:35:08.159 --> 00:35:10.000
This missile brought to you by Timex.
00:35:11.840 --> 00:35:14.320
When it stops ticking, you'll get a licking.
00:35:15.599 --> 00:35:17.440
This one brought to you by Doritos.
00:35:18.880 --> 00:35:20.320
Don't worry, we'll make more.
00:35:20.480 --> 00:35:28.639
Woo! I read this Iraq thing's gonna cost about 300 billion.
00:35:29.039 --> 00:35:29.440
Just that.
00:35:29.679 --> 00:35:32.159
300 billion, but there's 300 million Americans.
00:35:32.400 --> 00:35:34.239
That's a thousand dollars each.
00:35:35.440 --> 00:35:38.079
I don't remember him pitching it to us like that.
00:35:39.199 --> 00:35:44.800
We don't want to go there and remove an evil tyrant from leadership and search for weapons of mass destruction.
00:35:45.840 --> 00:35:48.000
It's just gonna be$1,000 each.
00:35:51.119 --> 00:35:54.320
That's all, family of four, mere four grand, mere four grand.
00:35:55.360 --> 00:35:56.800
Just get out your checks.
00:35:56.960 --> 00:35:59.840
As soon as we get your checks, we will haul ass.
00:36:02.159 --> 00:36:04.400
They get like three checks, all from Nebraska.
00:36:04.559 --> 00:36:06.239
Let's get those sons of bitches.
00:36:09.920 --> 00:36:12.400
Everybody on the coast, I was gonna buy a jacket.
00:36:14.239 --> 00:36:15.360
New jacket.
00:36:18.239 --> 00:36:23.360
There would be no wars if you designed all the new weapons after cool Hollywood movies, because no one's gonna fight.
00:36:23.440 --> 00:36:24.320
No one right?
00:36:24.400 --> 00:36:25.599
They wouldn't even have to work.
00:36:26.000 --> 00:36:29.280
Don't send tanks in, send velociraptors or something cool like that.
00:36:29.760 --> 00:36:31.360
Troop carrier door opens.
00:36:44.239 --> 00:36:45.760
The enemy standing there.
00:36:46.000 --> 00:36:47.519
This is bullshit.
00:36:53.519 --> 00:36:55.679
I saw the film, don't move.
00:37:03.440 --> 00:37:07.199
And I don't understand why we're always bragging about the British being our ally.
00:37:07.519 --> 00:37:08.639
Well, the British are in with us.
00:37:08.800 --> 00:37:10.239
The British are gonna be there too.
00:37:10.400 --> 00:37:11.920
The British, the British.
00:37:12.719 --> 00:37:15.280
I don't think the British Army is very good.
00:37:17.119 --> 00:37:20.960
As far as I can tell, all the brave citizens of that country don't join the Army.
00:37:21.199 --> 00:37:26.079
They all join the BBC and come become some kind of roving field reporter.
00:37:26.960 --> 00:37:30.159
I don't know where they find these news commando freaks of nature.
00:37:30.400 --> 00:37:31.760
But that is exciting news.
00:37:31.840 --> 00:37:33.039
And turn on the BBC.
00:37:33.119 --> 00:37:34.880
It's never they're not embedded with troops.
00:37:34.960 --> 00:37:37.440
They're always standing where the bombs are actually about to land.
00:37:37.519 --> 00:37:39.280
You know, some skimmy brit out there.
00:37:39.360 --> 00:37:43.199
This is Battle Mortimer Stove supporting live for the BBC.
00:37:44.079 --> 00:37:48.000
I am standing here in front of an enemy ammunition facility.
00:37:49.599 --> 00:37:52.400
Notice on the side of the building a small red dot.
00:37:54.719 --> 00:38:01.599
This is part of a laser-guided missile system, which the Americans use to deliver a weapon with a pinpoint accuracy.
00:38:01.840 --> 00:38:05.599
If I was standing here, it would literally hit me in the chest.
00:38:06.800 --> 00:38:09.440
Which is why I've chosen to stand here.
00:38:12.639 --> 00:38:13.760
They never quit either.
00:38:13.920 --> 00:38:17.920
The missile comes in and it's like, shh, whoa, we've just been hit.
00:38:18.400 --> 00:38:20.320
Super, brilliant.
00:38:22.880 --> 00:38:26.559
I can tell you it's gotten very hot where I am right now.
00:38:27.840 --> 00:38:33.519
I'm in some kind of giant crater out of which I will crawl the moment I find my leg.
00:38:35.199 --> 00:38:36.880
Oh, here it is, right.
00:38:40.320 --> 00:38:42.000
That's not mine, oh yeah.
00:38:42.639 --> 00:38:45.519
If you see a red dot, I recommend running like a son of a bitch.
00:38:45.599 --> 00:38:46.639
This is rather awkward.
00:38:46.800 --> 00:38:48.159
Back to you, Heathcliff.
00:38:48.480 --> 00:38:49.440
Thank you, Batley.
00:38:49.519 --> 00:38:50.800
Now here's Jane with the weather.
00:38:54.480 --> 00:38:57.440
My dad was in uh the uh Air Force, actually.
00:38:57.679 --> 00:39:00.000
I asked him once why I joined the Air Force and not the Army.
00:39:00.079 --> 00:39:00.239
You know?
00:39:00.480 --> 00:39:01.199
You know what he said?
00:39:01.280 --> 00:39:05.599
He goes, Well, as far as I could tell, guys in the Army like to fight.
00:39:06.239 --> 00:39:07.920
Guys in the Air Force just like to win.
00:39:09.360 --> 00:39:10.400
And that is so true.
00:39:10.559 --> 00:39:11.039
It's so true.
00:39:11.199 --> 00:39:13.760
Especially when you talk to the young guys, the Army guys, they know all these moves.
00:39:13.840 --> 00:39:15.840
I could poke you there, flick you, blow on you.
00:39:15.920 --> 00:39:18.079
You'd die Tuesday, you wouldn't even know what happened.
00:39:20.639 --> 00:39:23.199
Air Force is more like, there's the enemy.
00:39:34.559 --> 00:39:36.480
All right, I think we won.
00:39:40.320 --> 00:39:44.639
He wasn't in the US Air Force, though, he was in the Canadian Air Force, so I know.
00:39:45.039 --> 00:39:46.639
Not really the Air Force.
00:39:46.880 --> 00:39:48.400
It's more like the air suggest.
00:39:52.239 --> 00:39:54.559
He drove a Cessna, dropped ice cold kokiny.
00:39:54.800 --> 00:39:55.519
Different, you know.
00:39:57.760 --> 00:39:59.920
Clear out of this area, ice cold kokie over there.
00:40:04.239 --> 00:40:05.599
Does it rain there a lot?
00:40:07.440 --> 00:40:07.920
Is that true?
00:40:08.000 --> 00:40:08.880
I heard it does.
00:40:09.199 --> 00:40:10.000
Is that true?
00:40:10.639 --> 00:40:12.320
How do you stand it?
00:40:13.599 --> 00:40:14.719
I would be depressed.
00:40:14.800 --> 00:40:15.440
Are you depressed?
00:40:15.679 --> 00:40:16.400
I would be.
00:40:16.960 --> 00:40:18.000
Is it raining there now?
00:40:18.079 --> 00:40:18.800
Is that why you're here?
00:40:18.880 --> 00:40:19.599
Because that was raining now.
00:40:22.960 --> 00:40:26.639
I just tell people it does rain there a lot, and it is depressing.
00:40:27.119 --> 00:40:29.360
But we have the lowest murder rate in the country.
00:40:29.519 --> 00:40:30.320
Thank you.
00:40:32.880 --> 00:40:35.039
Because people tend to kill themselves.
00:40:38.079 --> 00:40:40.639
We're just more of a do-it-yourself kind of folk.
00:40:42.400 --> 00:40:43.840
Somebody runs into a bank with a gun.
00:40:44.000 --> 00:40:45.760
Oh my god, he's got a gun.
00:40:46.079 --> 00:40:47.119
Help him.
00:40:49.519 --> 00:40:51.679
I hope he has money.
00:40:53.039 --> 00:41:01.119
But as if as if rain is a bad weather option to the other weather options in other parts of the country, like hurricanes.
00:41:01.280 --> 00:41:04.400
Hello, I think we found out having all the rain in one day.
00:41:05.920 --> 00:41:07.599
That's a downside.
00:41:11.039 --> 00:41:15.519
Tornado's the scariest weather on the planet, tornadoes, because it's so unpredictable and specific.
00:41:16.079 --> 00:41:17.280
Like you could be walking your dog just.
00:41:40.239 --> 00:41:41.119
Did you know they can?
00:41:41.599 --> 00:41:45.840
Of course you didn't, because on the West Coast they only show us the day ones on the news.
00:41:46.239 --> 00:41:50.239
Two years ago, I'm in Iowa, right across the bottom of the screen as I'm watching late-night TV.
00:41:50.639 --> 00:41:52.079
Tornado watch.
00:41:56.320 --> 00:41:58.880
I know, no other information for the tourist.
00:42:00.320 --> 00:42:00.639
Okay.
00:42:05.760 --> 00:42:07.840
Where do we go to watch it?
00:42:12.079 --> 00:42:20.079
Found it later, tornado warnings when you really freak out, nail your cat to the floor, and run to the basement and hold a pipe or something.
00:42:20.400 --> 00:42:21.280
You know what I did?
00:42:21.360 --> 00:42:22.239
I'm not making this up.
00:42:22.320 --> 00:42:23.840
I uh I put my pants back on.
00:42:23.920 --> 00:42:25.440
That's all I could think to do.
00:42:25.679 --> 00:42:28.239
I just didn't want to be the only naked guy without a house.
00:42:30.320 --> 00:42:31.679
Sorry, I'm not from here.
00:42:31.760 --> 00:42:32.800
I didn't know.
00:42:35.920 --> 00:42:37.519
I'm from Seattle.
00:42:38.880 --> 00:42:41.039
Yeah, it does rain there a lot, but not like this.
00:42:41.199 --> 00:42:42.480
This is crazy.
00:42:44.800 --> 00:42:46.960
That's a bit of an exaggeration, too, by the way.
00:42:49.519 --> 00:42:51.039
For the front row.
00:42:52.400 --> 00:42:53.440
It was really that way.
00:42:53.519 --> 00:42:55.440
I probably wouldn't care too much about the pants, frankly.
00:42:55.519 --> 00:42:56.400
You know how guys are.
00:42:56.639 --> 00:42:58.480
It is getting breezy out here, everybody.
00:42:58.800 --> 00:42:58.960
You.
00:42:59.599 --> 00:43:01.920
You better nail this to the floor.
00:43:06.639 --> 00:43:07.920
Check it out, I'm a kite.
00:43:08.000 --> 00:43:09.119
How cool is this?
00:43:12.960 --> 00:43:14.159
It's a wiener kite.
00:43:14.239 --> 00:43:14.639
That's what it is.
00:43:20.320 --> 00:43:22.400
And I didn't know how big tornadoes could get.
00:43:22.480 --> 00:43:26.719
There was one, you know, you tend to think they come to a little point on the ground like you drew them as a kid.
00:43:27.039 --> 00:43:29.119
So you can just kind of ole them as they come at you.
00:43:29.280 --> 00:43:31.360
Here comes he touch it.
00:43:33.840 --> 00:43:37.599
There was one in Missouri a couple years ago, half a mile wide.
00:43:38.480 --> 00:43:39.760
Holy shit.
00:43:40.559 --> 00:43:40.880
Half.
00:43:41.519 --> 00:43:43.920
That's like God got out his big Hoover vacuum.
00:43:44.079 --> 00:43:44.800
What the?
00:43:46.559 --> 00:43:48.880
Who left all this white trash here?
00:43:56.320 --> 00:43:58.320
It's not how I left my planet.
00:44:05.920 --> 00:44:11.199
I know that's kind of mean, but uh if you're not laughing.
00:44:14.559 --> 00:44:15.199
It is.
00:44:15.760 --> 00:44:16.320
I don't know.
00:44:16.400 --> 00:44:17.599
It is a choice though, isn't it?
00:44:17.679 --> 00:44:18.719
You can make white trash jokes.
00:44:19.039 --> 00:44:19.920
That's a choice.
00:44:20.079 --> 00:44:22.239
Not the white part, but the trash part.
00:44:22.719 --> 00:44:25.599
That is a fashion look you have opted for.
00:44:26.320 --> 00:44:28.639
You could wash your children.
00:44:31.199 --> 00:44:34.000
You're somehow responsible for something they disagree with.
00:44:34.239 --> 00:44:36.719
Not you in general, but you specifically.
00:44:37.039 --> 00:44:38.000
You individually.
00:44:38.320 --> 00:44:41.440
I was in a British pub and this total stranger gets in my face after ten minutes.
00:44:41.840 --> 00:44:42.800
Yo, yank.
00:44:43.920 --> 00:44:46.719
How come you won't saw in the Kyoto Protocol?
00:44:54.480 --> 00:44:56.159
I'm just having a beer.
00:44:56.239 --> 00:44:59.519
I didn't know about the Toyota.
00:45:03.840 --> 00:45:05.360
Corolla and recall.
00:45:10.960 --> 00:45:18.079
Yeah, you call yourself a leader of the free world, yet sometimes you support the most oppressive regimes when they serve your interests, don't you?
00:45:24.320 --> 00:45:26.239
I just came to look at castles.
00:45:26.400 --> 00:45:27.119
I don't know.
00:45:28.960 --> 00:45:31.519
I came to look at oppressive regime housing.
00:45:35.599 --> 00:45:36.960
I learned how to shut them up though.
00:45:37.039 --> 00:45:37.599
It works every time.
00:45:37.679 --> 00:45:38.239
Okay, just do this.
00:45:38.639 --> 00:45:39.039
It's wonderful.
00:45:39.119 --> 00:45:41.920
Just look him right in the eye and go, whoa, whoa, excuse me.
00:45:43.360 --> 00:45:44.639
I'm a Canadian.
00:45:49.199 --> 00:45:50.239
Sorry, mate!
00:45:52.800 --> 00:45:54.559
Can I borrow your beer then?
00:45:55.760 --> 00:45:56.320
Works every time.
00:45:56.559 --> 00:45:59.199
Actually, that's a red redneck brit, too, by the way.
00:45:59.519 --> 00:46:09.440
Yo, yik, oh, I'm from Birmingham! I was accosted by a posh brit, too.
00:46:09.840 --> 00:46:11.119
That's a totally different story.
00:46:11.679 --> 00:46:13.360
A lot more syllables involved in this.
00:46:15.599 --> 00:46:21.199
Excuse me, I was ruminating over the prospect that the Americans of the peoples are addicted to petroleum.
00:46:23.360 --> 00:46:27.280
And I think if you would intrust even for a moment, you would come to the same conclusion.
00:46:28.239 --> 00:46:29.920
You refuse to look for alternatives.
00:46:30.239 --> 00:46:33.280
And you will undertake any measure to acquire the substance of your addiction.
00:46:33.360 --> 00:46:38.320
I think this suggests that your relationship to the substance has gone far beyond the market value.
00:46:43.840 --> 00:46:45.199
I'm just having a beer.
00:46:45.280 --> 00:46:46.480
I didn't know about that.
00:46:48.559 --> 00:46:51.119
I hear that thrown around a lot, that we're addicted to petroleum.
00:46:51.199 --> 00:46:52.719
That's I don't know what you're supposed to do.
00:46:53.760 --> 00:47:00.239
There's no Gasaholics Anonymous meeting I've ever heard of that would you know a bunch of SUVs parked out front.
00:47:00.960 --> 00:47:03.440
Hi, my name's America, I'm a gas aholic.
00:47:04.639 --> 00:47:05.599
Yeah, I said it.
00:47:05.679 --> 00:47:06.320
I feel better.
00:47:06.480 --> 00:47:07.280
Thanks.
00:47:08.079 --> 00:47:09.119
How'd it start?
00:47:09.360 --> 00:47:10.400
I don't know.
00:47:10.719 --> 00:47:17.039
I guess it began a while back when I started burning wood for heat, really.
00:47:17.760 --> 00:47:18.880
Everybody was doing it.
00:47:18.960 --> 00:47:19.599
It was natural.
00:47:19.679 --> 00:47:21.519
You could grow it yourself, man.
00:47:22.960 --> 00:47:25.519
Seriously, it's like God wanted us to burn it.
00:47:26.239 --> 00:47:27.119
He put it here.
00:47:29.280 --> 00:47:31.199
And then they gave me this stuff called coal.
00:47:31.280 --> 00:47:33.280
This was like wood concentrate, right?
00:47:33.360 --> 00:47:34.000
You know what I'm saying?
00:47:34.320 --> 00:47:35.679
Yeah, you couldn't grow it yourself.
00:47:35.760 --> 00:47:37.440
You had to get it from a dealer.
00:47:38.960 --> 00:47:39.679
Seriously.
00:47:39.760 --> 00:47:42.559
But once you tried coal, you were not going back to wood.
00:47:45.679 --> 00:47:47.519
Ha! It was good stuff.
00:47:47.599 --> 00:47:55.760
And then they liquefied it into this oil, which you'd freebaste with a refinery into this golden serum called gasoline.
00:47:56.000 --> 00:47:58.639
Oh my god, that was good shit.
00:47:59.920 --> 00:48:03.280
I just use a little bit every day to pick me up and get me going where I needed to go.
00:48:03.360 --> 00:48:04.400
You know how it starts, right?
00:48:04.559 --> 00:48:06.480
Like, I can handle it.
00:48:07.039 --> 00:48:10.880
Pretty soon I had a dealer in every town who would hook me up when I needed it.
00:48:11.760 --> 00:48:15.039
Then one day I woke up and my dealer had become president.
00:48:15.280 --> 00:48:16.320
No wow.
00:48:18.400 --> 00:48:19.519
No wow.
00:48:25.119 --> 00:48:27.119
I myself applauded.
00:48:27.519 --> 00:48:35.679
Because then we got the good foreign stuff, not that domestic crap, but we got like the Athabascan tar sand, the Amazonian gold, the Saudi Light Suite.
00:48:36.079 --> 00:48:38.000
Oh my god, that was good stuff.
00:48:38.320 --> 00:48:40.880
We were pipelining it from here to there.
00:48:41.360 --> 00:48:43.599
I was kicking like a 20-gallon-a-day habit.
00:48:43.760 --> 00:48:44.320
I didn't even care.
00:48:44.400 --> 00:48:45.599
And everybody was doing it, man.
00:48:45.679 --> 00:48:46.400
It was a party.
00:48:46.480 --> 00:48:50.000
And then they tried to cut off our supply, and I just freaking snapped.
00:48:51.360 --> 00:48:54.000
I was like, whoa, whoa, step away from my stuff.
00:48:54.480 --> 00:48:56.880
Or say hello to my little friend.
00:48:57.840 --> 00:48:59.519
That's my shit, you talking about.
00:49:00.880 --> 00:49:03.519
That's when I realized I may have a problem.
00:49:05.199 --> 00:49:14.480
So I'm not making that up.
00:49:14.880 --> 00:49:17.760
Not a good one, obviously, because you got married.
00:49:17.920 --> 00:49:18.719
Whoops.
00:49:21.199 --> 00:49:23.039
That's a tough gig, Catholic priest.
00:49:23.119 --> 00:49:23.440
Think about it.
00:49:23.599 --> 00:49:30.719
Your job is to swear to celibacy and spend the rest of your life in a small dark room listening to everybody else's creepy stories.
00:49:31.519 --> 00:49:33.440
Are you serious you did that?
00:49:34.000 --> 00:49:34.960
Oh man.
00:49:36.480 --> 00:49:38.559
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a sin.
00:49:38.719 --> 00:49:38.880
Oh.
00:49:42.079 --> 00:49:44.480
If it's not on the list, we'll add it later.
00:49:45.519 --> 00:49:47.519
We'd never really thought of that.
00:49:53.440 --> 00:49:55.679
What were you wearing when you did that?
00:49:59.119 --> 00:50:02.400
Alright, your penance is you have to tell me that story ten more times.
00:50:06.159 --> 00:50:06.960
I went to Sunday school.
00:50:07.039 --> 00:50:08.320
It's never very good at the Sunday school.
00:50:08.400 --> 00:50:10.639
I always had that what if voice going on in my head.
00:50:10.719 --> 00:50:11.599
But what if?
00:50:12.000 --> 00:50:13.440
What if, but what if?
00:50:14.159 --> 00:50:17.760
You know, like you know what Jesus said, but you can't be that sure how he said it.
00:50:18.159 --> 00:50:20.400
What if he was really sarcastic?
00:50:21.760 --> 00:50:22.320
Oh yeah.
00:50:22.400 --> 00:50:25.280
I'm pretty sure the meek will inherit the earth.
00:50:29.360 --> 00:50:31.039
Yeah, it'll be the meek.
00:50:31.119 --> 00:50:32.559
That's who will do it.
00:50:34.320 --> 00:50:36.880
No, I'm gonna die to save all of you.
00:50:43.360 --> 00:50:46.079
Well, I only brought one fish, but it fed everyone.
00:50:46.320 --> 00:50:47.599
It was amazing.
00:50:51.840 --> 00:50:56.159
I'm more for some reason I'm more comfortable with the long tradition of the Catholic Church, though.
00:50:56.239 --> 00:51:02.320
All that extra paraphernalia people say, oh, it's ridiculous, the big mannequin, the robes, it's all just a bunch of it's unnecessary.
00:51:02.559 --> 00:51:03.519
But I don't know.
00:51:03.679 --> 00:51:04.639
I like it.
00:51:04.960 --> 00:51:06.719
Like when the Pope died, wasn't that awesome?
00:51:06.800 --> 00:51:08.639
That big funeral which went on forever?
00:51:08.880 --> 00:51:13.360
All the costumes and even even the funeral procession never seemed to end.
00:51:13.599 --> 00:51:25.119
All these little boys choirs going on, I'm not sure.
00:51:54.639 --> 00:51:55.360
But I don't know.
00:51:55.440 --> 00:51:56.320
I like the ritual.
00:51:57.039 --> 00:51:58.159
It gives me soulless.
00:51:58.320 --> 00:51:59.599
For some reason, I have no idea why.
00:51:59.679 --> 00:52:04.239
I think a lot of a lot of modern American evangelical events don't offer that.
00:52:04.960 --> 00:52:06.880
Have you ever seen like a modern healing?
00:52:06.960 --> 00:52:09.199
It looks like professional wrestling half the time.
00:52:09.519 --> 00:52:13.840
Seriously, they got all the pyrotechnics, you know, the rock and roll big stadiums of people.
00:52:17.760 --> 00:52:20.559
The good versus evil theme always being played out.
00:52:20.639 --> 00:52:22.880
I'll join a mother controlly.
00:52:28.639 --> 00:52:31.360
Bring an elbow down on them, finish them off.
00:52:34.239 --> 00:52:37.679
I don't know if I'm watching a healing or a smackdown half the time.
00:52:40.079 --> 00:52:43.519
The American religious leaders say the most bizarre stuff sometimes.
00:52:43.599 --> 00:52:44.880
You have to admit that.
00:52:45.119 --> 00:52:46.880
Like Pat Robertson.
00:52:47.440 --> 00:52:47.840
I don't know.
00:52:48.079 --> 00:52:51.039
Calls for the assassination of the president of Venezuela.
00:52:51.199 --> 00:52:55.039
Now, how do you follow that with praise the Lord?
00:52:58.400 --> 00:53:02.880
Maybe you just assign God the wrong voice, and everybody assigns God a voice that they want God to have.
00:53:02.960 --> 00:53:10.880
Maybe I don't know what voice Pat Scott has, but I think it's something like Reverend Pat Robinson.
00:53:12.320 --> 00:53:14.400
This is God the Father.
00:53:15.440 --> 00:53:18.239
Chavez, Donald Venezuela.
00:53:19.119 --> 00:53:23.760
It's making it very difficult for me to spread my message of love and forgiveness.
00:53:25.519 --> 00:53:28.239
So I'd like you to whack that cocksucker.
00:53:32.960 --> 00:53:35.119
I want him dead, you know what I'm saying?
00:53:36.000 --> 00:53:40.079
I would send my own son the door, but Jesus is such a pacifist, you know.
00:53:47.760 --> 00:53:49.760
Aren't the big ones the easiest to hit?
00:53:55.840 --> 00:53:58.079
How do you miss a moose, for heaven's sakes?
00:53:58.159 --> 00:54:01.119
That's it's like the beginner target, really.
00:54:01.679 --> 00:54:04.559
You want to impress people, hang the head of a mouse above your fireplace.
00:54:04.639 --> 00:54:05.599
That would be nice.
00:54:06.960 --> 00:54:09.440
I got him from 300 yards, man.
00:54:10.000 --> 00:54:11.599
Little bastard's coming right at me.
00:54:14.639 --> 00:54:15.599
One shot.
00:54:16.079 --> 00:54:17.199
Took him out.
00:54:18.719 --> 00:54:21.039
Saved the head so I could mount it, but the ass.
00:54:21.119 --> 00:54:23.280
I couldn't even find the body of the gone.
00:54:25.760 --> 00:54:28.159
This one here, this is a hummingbird.
00:54:30.480 --> 00:54:32.480
Got it during bow season.
00:54:34.400 --> 00:54:35.920
Told you I was a good hunter.
00:54:36.400 --> 00:54:37.199
Second arrow.
00:54:37.519 --> 00:54:38.400
I won't lie to you.
00:54:38.559 --> 00:54:39.360
First arrow missed.
00:54:39.440 --> 00:54:40.639
Hit this old lady here.
00:54:40.800 --> 00:54:44.559
She's she was changing the feeder.
00:54:47.280 --> 00:54:49.039
She should wear an orange hat next time.
00:54:49.119 --> 00:54:50.079
That's all I was on.
00:54:52.400 --> 00:54:53.199
Check this out.
00:54:53.280 --> 00:54:54.239
I saved her crooked finger.
00:54:54.320 --> 00:54:54.719
Check it out.
00:54:54.880 --> 00:54:55.519
Look at that part.
00:54:57.599 --> 00:54:59.280
Hang the coat on it.
00:55:03.679 --> 00:55:11.199
I think it'd be great if taxidermists were required by law to stuff the animal doing what it was doing when you kill it.
00:55:14.559 --> 00:55:16.559
Then you have to wait for it to do something cool.
00:55:16.800 --> 00:55:19.679
You couldn't have like, why'd you stuff your bears sleeping?
00:55:21.280 --> 00:55:22.800
I got him in January.
00:55:22.960 --> 00:55:25.920
He was he was a little nappy.
00:55:28.639 --> 00:55:30.480
Why was your moose like that?
00:55:34.400 --> 00:55:35.920
Oh, the other one got away.
00:55:36.159 --> 00:55:36.960
Okay, I think.
00:55:40.880 --> 00:55:43.760
If I see two doing that again, I'm gonna get the lower one.
00:55:44.400 --> 00:55:45.440
Have the set.
00:55:50.480 --> 00:55:52.239
This term sportsman has gotta go.
00:55:52.400 --> 00:55:54.559
Hunting may be challenging, but it's not really.
00:55:54.719 --> 00:55:58.400
If it's a sport, it's like the only one where the other team has no idea it's playing.
00:55:58.559 --> 00:55:59.519
That's weird.
00:56:02.320 --> 00:56:03.760
It's like waking your friend up in the morning.
00:56:03.840 --> 00:56:06.079
I just beat you in basketball an hour ago.
00:56:07.599 --> 00:56:09.360
I was unstoppable!
00:56:11.760 --> 00:56:12.880
You suck.
00:56:16.880 --> 00:56:20.559
My favorite hunting story around these parts, though, that macaw whale hunt.
00:56:21.760 --> 00:56:22.400
I love that.
00:56:22.639 --> 00:56:25.840
What's interesting is how it plays out among the general population.
00:56:26.000 --> 00:56:31.119
Some people are for it, some are most are against, which you know, I I gotta I'm for it.
00:56:31.199 --> 00:56:32.320
I figure whatever, whatever.
00:56:32.400 --> 00:56:34.559
It's part of their history, part of their culture, right?
00:56:35.119 --> 00:56:38.639
Not that I'm for the wholehearted slaughter of whales, but they whaled for thousands of years.
00:56:38.719 --> 00:56:40.320
There were always lots of whales.
00:56:40.559 --> 00:56:43.440
The whole extinction issue started when the white guy showed up, you know.
00:56:44.000 --> 00:56:46.159
Hey, let's get us some whales too.
00:56:47.039 --> 00:56:50.159
Woohoo! Look at 'em all.
00:56:51.679 --> 00:56:53.679
This'll take forever.
00:56:56.480 --> 00:56:57.199
Give me that.
00:57:32.239 --> 00:57:34.960
Man, these damn Indians just want to kill 'em all.
00:57:36.639 --> 00:57:38.639
No respect for nature.
00:57:42.079 --> 00:57:44.320
I'm just saying, they're not the whale-aholics.
00:57:44.400 --> 00:57:46.079
They can stop after just two.
00:57:50.000 --> 00:57:52.000
The anti-whal people are kind of funny, though.
00:57:52.079 --> 00:57:53.360
They're, oh, that's right.
00:57:53.760 --> 00:57:55.920
Two macaws in the front row.
00:57:58.159 --> 00:58:00.000
The anti-whalpeople, they have big hearts.
00:58:00.079 --> 00:58:04.239
They want to save the whale, but they they interfere with the hunt by riding a jet ski.
00:58:04.320 --> 00:58:06.960
Now, how ironic is that?
00:58:07.119 --> 00:58:09.440
The environmentalist saving the planet on jet skis.
00:58:09.840 --> 00:58:15.920
Save the whale! The ocean's a sanctuary.
00:58:20.320 --> 00:58:22.320
Makar paddling a dugout canoe.
00:58:22.400 --> 00:58:24.159
What the hell is going on?
00:58:27.519 --> 00:58:29.519
Why don't we get a jet ski?
00:58:32.239 --> 00:58:35.440
When he comes over, let's harpoon his ass, take that jet skate, man.
00:58:36.880 --> 00:58:38.000
Looks like fun
