00:00:00Healing and Building Healthy Relationships
00:08:20Learning From Past Relationships
00:12:25Lessons Learned From Failed Relationships
00:27:15Overcoming Fear and Finding True Love
00:39:29Healthy Relationships
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
As I, Shaniqua, peel back the layers of my own story, I'm met with the raw realities of relationships and the power of self-reliance. I've walked through the fire of control and infidelity, emerged from an abusive marriage, and now I stand here to share how these experiences carved the path for my growth. My journey to financial independence and the understanding of true partnership has taught me the balance between vulnerability and strength. This episode is an open book of my life lessons, inviting you to turn the pages alongside me to discover the art of healing and building connections that are rooted in mutual respect and acknowledgment of each other's strengths.
Navigating the aftermath of a relationship can feel like wandering through a labyrinth with no exit in sight. But as I recount the detours of my personal love story, from missed red flags to a Thanksgiving dinner gone awry, you'll see how each misstep brought me closer to self-discovery. I discuss the dangers of trauma bonding, the importance of maintaining one's identity, and the courage it takes to embrace self-love. By sharing my reflections on the end of my third marriage, I aim to light a beacon of hope for those seeking peace and a renewed sense of self post-relationship.
Coming full circle, this episode is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the quest for authentic love. I open up about the fears of starting a new and the transformative power of honesty and authenticity. You'll hear why it's crucial to be complete within oneself before embarking on a new partnership and the significance of differentiating between wants and needs in a significant other. As we conclude this heartfelt exploration, I invite you to reach out, share your stories, and join me in celebrating the journey towards becoming the best versions of ourselves.
English
United States
SHOW NOTES 🔗
TRANSCRIPT 🔗
WEBVTT
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Welcome to Free Concepts, unmask, where we motivate, educate and elevate.
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I am your host, shaniqua.
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Thank you so much for listening.
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Thank you for your support.
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Thank you for subscribing.
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Thank you for following.
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Before I begin with my topic, I'd like to start off with prayer.
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Father God, in the name of Jesus.
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God, I come to you, Lord, and I say thank you, god.
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Thank you, god, for all that you've done and all that you're doing in my life.
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God, I thank you for my listeners.
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God, I thank you for this platform and opportunity to be able to speak to your people.
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Give me the words to be able to encourage them where they are and hopefully and prayerfully uplift them.
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God, to make a difference, make a change in their lives.
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God, oh God, I thank you for your mercy, your grace, your forgiveness and, most of all, I thank you for your love.
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God is a God of love.
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Thank you, lord.
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Thank you for the blessings, thank you for the increase.
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Increase me, lord, jesus, god, increase in the name of Jesus, amen, amen, amen.
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Okay, we're going to start off with our topic.
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We're going to talk about relationships.
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Okay, I want to touch on this topic because I feel that it's so important.
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The reason why I talk about the healing process so much is because I believe that we should heal from whatever that we're broken from, whether it's abuse, neglect, issues, rejection, whatever it is that you've been through in your life that has built up a wall around your heart.
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Hopefully that we can break those walls down and rebuild, being able to trust once again.
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A lot of times we go through relationships and you know, especially bad relationships and we no longer trust anymore.
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We don't want to get our hearts broken, we don't want to get hurt again, but you have to be vulnerable to love.
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Okay, so you can't have one foot in the door and one foot out.
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You have to be all in.
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Yes, you may get hurt, but then again, you may not, but you have to be willing to take that chance.
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So I think that it's very important that when you meet someone, that you lie everything on the table, lay it all out there and talk about it, communicate.
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Communication definitely is key, but the reason I talk about the healing process so much is because we can have healthier relationships once we heal those things that we have been through that has damaged our hearts or broken our hearts or made us feel like we can't trust anymore.
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Whatever that is, that happened in your life.
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You got to get to the root of that thing.
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So a lot of women I'm going to start off with my women first A lot of women I've noticed on social media.
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They talk a lot about wanting someone to take care of them, wanting someone to provide financially for them, always chasing that bag.
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Now, ain't nothing wrong with chasing the bag when it comes to you starting your own business or you have your own career.
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As a woman, you know things that you're doing in your life, that you're already able to pay your own bills, that you're stable before you actually meet someone and you're in a relationship.
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I think it's really important that you talk about what your expectations are in a relationship, and it should not be based on materialistic things.
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It shouldn't be based on something that you're not willing to give yourself.
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I know I'm going to go to my men for a minute.
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A lot of men want the women to be submissive.
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Now, for me, I can be submissive, but I have to be able to trust you.
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I have to be able to feel secure and safe with you.
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I have to know that you will be able to lead in such a way that I'll be able to follow your lead and not just us saying a marriage.
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Your children should be able to see what example that you're setting for your family as a man.
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A lot of times we say that the man's responsibility is to provide and protect, and I agree with that.
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But I also agree with the fact that some women can provide and protect as well.
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You know, especially single women.
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But when we do enter a relationship with a man, we have to learn how to take those pants off, you know, and not wear the pants anymore, especially if you've been a single mom for a long time.
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It's hard to because you wear the hat of the man and the woman, the mother and the father.
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For me, as a single mom, at times I had to not only be the mom and now the responsibility.
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With mom, you're the counselor, you're the teacher, you're the doctor, you know you're the nurturer, you're everything for that child, you're providing, you're paying the bills.
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You know you're taking care of your business so that you're able to provide a stable environment for your children.
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But when you come into, you know, a relationship with a man, then you will need to give that torch to him and allow him to do that now If you want to be in a relationship, because every relationship is different and we have to get out of this mindset of this is what the man's places, this is what the woman's places, because, at the end of the day, when you come together, whatever I'm weak at you should be strong at.
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Whatever you're weak at, I should be strong at you know, I know how to put furniture together, I know how to work on cars, you know and I'm saying to change my own oil and things of that nature, and maybe a man may not know how to put furniture together or fix things, and you know whatever you know, but whatever it is that I can do best.
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And then you, you might be able to cook.
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Now, I know how to cook too, but if you know how to cook and you know, you know how to do other things, or you know handle the children or whatever it is, then we should be able to mesh together well, together.
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You know I I like dating, because when I first started dating I was really young when I met my son's father and we dated from probably like 12 years old.
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When I met him.
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We didn't start dating initially, we were just friends.
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But then I would say we were boyfriend and girlfriend about 15 years old, until I was about 21,.
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I would say and I didn't really know what my expectations were, hadn't dated enough and really learned myself enough to realize what I wanted.
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I didn't know what my likes, my dislikes were.
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I tried to be real cool and chill and not really nag or things like that.
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But when you're young you don't really know what it is.
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You know a healthy relationship looks like.
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I didn't know, anyway, what a healthy relationship looked like because of you know my mom was on drugs, she wasn't married, she wasn't married, things like that.
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You know my grandmother wasn't married.
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You know my great grandmother wasn't, you know.
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So I didn't see what a healthy relationship really looked like.
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I just knew we were boyfriend and girlfriend and sometimes we controlled each other in a sense of you know you can't talk to this person or I can't talk to that person and so forth.
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So it was an immature relationship.
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It didn't work out because you know he cheated.
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Then I would cheat because you know you made me mad because you cheated.
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So I'm going to cheat on you because you cheated on me being petty.
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You know what I mean.
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And then when I met my first husband, I, before we got married, I just I saw a red flags.
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You know he was really good to me in the beginning, but then you could tell he had these abusive ways, very controlling, wanting to know what I'm doing, you know, guilt tripping because he was cheating and doing stuff and things like that.
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But I didn't see that in the beginning, I didn't know he was cheating in the beginning.
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I just was like, oh, he really cares about me.
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You know.
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That's why he always wants to know where I am and what I'm doing and things like that.
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Later on it was just abusive relationship, abusive marriage.
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I really didn't know again what to look for in a man.
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So you know my next, you know marriage.
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I knew a little bit more because I was in the ministry when I met my second husband and I still, you know, and people talk me into it because I kept saying he wasn't my type.
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But they were like, well, what is your type, you know?
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And then I was like, well, you know someone, this, this, that you know, the other, just kind of some type of swag and all this other stuff you know, good to me, treats me good, things like that.
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But then you know, people were like, well, what was your type Haven't been working out for you.
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You know this is a good guy, you know, and I was like you know what?
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You have a point there to say to say.
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So, um, got in that relationship and tried to learn from my past relationships what not to do or to do, because of my first marriage I really didn't know how to cook.
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Um, I'm gonna tell you all a quick story.
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So Thanksgiving I cooked Thanksgiving dinner and at the time he wasn't my husband, I think we were engaged and I left I love everything into Turkey.
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Okay.
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So when he got home, the turkey looked good and everything.
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But when he tried to cut into that joke of honey, some blood came out and all it was hard to cut into.
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So he asked me did I take the stuff out the turkey?
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I said what's the?
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He was like the.
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You know the stuff that's in the turkey, like the neck and you know the gizzards or whatever.
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So I'm like mmm, it wasn't nothing in that turkey and he was like it's in all the turkeys.
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I was like no, he was like did you wash it?
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I see you washed it, chide, and left everything in the turkey, okay.
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So I didn't know how to cook, okay, I was just trying.
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I tried my best.
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He threw everything out, okay, through it all the way, even the sides.
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He was so pissed, so, anyway.
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So I learned how to cook, okay, cooked for my second husband, you know, took care of the kids, tried to be a better wife, and you know little.
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Same thing, you know he was cheating.
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And then, you know, I cheated, and you know things like that, because I, you know, I'm being petty.
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Now, now, back in the day, I used to be petty.
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I'ma tell you, I used to be really petty.
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You do something?
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Oh, I'm gonna show you better than you know.
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Then I can tell you okay, you cheated, I'm a cheap battle.
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That's.
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That's the attitude I had, not understanding the fact that why am I gonna give myself to somebody else that doesn't even deserve me, first of all, just to get back at him?
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You know I mean things like that, just immature.
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So then, after that, you know, after that divorce, I dated a lot.
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I Got a chance to know myself.
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Now, before my second marriage, I was Celeb it for four years and I Think I met him, probably like that second year, I think it was like two years after I was celibate and waited, you know, until we got married, to be intimate and Didn't work.
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Sometimes I used to tell people, you know, go ahead and you know, wait to get married first before you have sex.
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But I Don't say that anymore because you know you kind of might want to just try it out to see if it's for you.
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But, um, again, still immature, because I really didn't know or understand what a marriage consisted of.
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He worked, came home, went to sleep, didn't spend a lot of time, you know, with myself and the children, we didn't get any quality time, didn't take me out on dates and things like that.
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So, um, you know, after that marriage I started just kind of again being to myself and, you know, then I started dating, you know, probably about a couple years later, and I wanted to see what I really Enjoyed about me.
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So, you know, just dating myself, learning myself, loving myself, things like that.
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So later on I married a third time, okay, and and um, when I married my wife, I Saw red flags again, but not until now.
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See, I didn't see these red flags until my heart was already in, and then I would make excuses for the person, you know, and we were like best friends.
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You know, we hung out together, things like that.
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Later I Found out she was an introvert, you know, really didn't want to be around people didn't want to hang out, socialize and, you know, do things.
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Now I'm a karaoke girl.
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I like to go out and you know I want to go sing karaoke.
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I want to Be a social butterfly and you know I love to make people laugh and smile, things of that nature.
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Later down the line didn't work out Now it wasn't no cheating involved or anything like that.
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But I Learned a valuable lesson in all of that.
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I said all of that to say you have to love yourself, heal Because my brokenness and sometimes we trauma bond, and I think that's what we did.
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We trauma bonded when we first met.
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You know she had been through some stuff, I had been through some stuff.
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Same thing with my ex-husbands.
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You know they had been through stuff, you know, growing up and Saw abuse and things like that will have been abused.
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And then I had been, you know, abused as well and Just Toxic family, toxic environment.
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And so we're trying to then me, me and my brokenness, trying to get with someone and their brokenness and Trying to fix people.
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You know that's what I found myself doing trying to show this person hey, you can trust me.
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You know the other relationships failed you, they cheated or whatever, but I'm not gonna do that.
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You know what I mean.
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I'm here for you, trying to prove my love, and I Don't think you really should have to go so hard with proving yourself to someone and proving your love and they still don't accept it or receive it, you know.
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So all of that stuff that I went through, let me tell y'all I Really miss love y'all, cuz I'm just sharing all my business and I told you I would be authentic with you guys and transparent.
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But what I realized after this third marriage and divorce, I Just I said I couldn't do it anymore.
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I just couldn't do it anymore.
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I needed to find my peace, my peace of mind.
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I needed to find me because I always tried to be with everybody else, expecting me to be for them.
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That I lost myself and I didn't no longer Knew who I.
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I didn't know who I was anymore.
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You know I was trying to be whatever they wanted me to be, because I didn't want another failed marriage.
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So I'm trying to please and do and, like I said, I lost myself.
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I didn't.
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I lost sight of my goals, I lost sight of my dreams, I lost sight of my personality, because even sometimes they'd be like, oh, you're too much, because I'm, you know, bubbly and I'm always on a 10, you know, and I'm very open, you know, and they didn't like it, you know.
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So, trying to dim my light, you know, or trying to, and not intentionally, I don't, I'm not gonna say they intentionally did this, but I Felt as if I couldn't be me.
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You know, true to me, who God created me to be.
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I started to just be this person I didn't even recognize anymore because I'm so busy trying to, you know, take care of my kids and please them.
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I'm trying to, you know, please my job, I'm trying to please my spouse.
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I'm trying to Be this, this, this superwoman, and I put too much pressure on myself and I started falling apart, you know, and so I realized that, shneak, would you, I take time for you.
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You know, you have to learn how to self-love, self-care, all of that stuff that people talk about.
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You hear, I'm talking about it, but I didn't know that it applied to me.
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You know, I had kept going and kept going through failed relationships, you know, abuse, all kinds of stuff that have been through.
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You know, losses I've lost, you know, 26 people in my life that were so dear to me.
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Um, tragedies had happened, but I was taught and raised to keep going, no matter what.
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You know, my grandmother used to say grow a backbone, nikki, you can't do that, you know.
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So I was like, okay, I had went as far as I could go, because a lot of those times I didn't take time for me even to grieve and things like that.
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So I just kept going until I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown because I had just Tried to make everybody else comfortable around me and happy around me.
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That I wasn't happy anymore, you know, I wasn't my bubbly self anymore and I didn't like who I was changing into.
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You know, I've always said I want to change the world, I don't want the world to change me, you know.
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And so I had to get back to the core of who I am, who God created me to be.
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I had to let go of a lot of the toxicity and, um, even relationships, friendships, you know, had to disconnect myself because I found myself being around people that didn't, you know, see value in me.
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I didn't even see value in myself at one point, you know, I felt like I wasn't worthy because, you know my mom, you know, wasn't raising me and you know I went to my great-grandmother To be raised and I just felt like I wasn't wanted.
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So when you feel like that, it's easy for someone to manipulate you.
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It's easy for someone to Say they love you, but you don't really know how to receive love and you don't really know how to identify True love.
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You know, everybody's love language is different.
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For me, I think that I've always wanted someone that I could feel safe with, secure, with stable, someone that would be a good leader in my life and have my back no matter what, because that's that I'm that person.
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I'm a right-of-die.
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You know, in a relationship I give everything I got and and it's easy to lose yourself, especially when you're in love with someone and you love someone or you care for someone so much and you want it to.
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You know to be right, you want to be perfect, but nobody's perfect.
00:22:31.615 --> 00:22:53.532
I had this big vision in my head of what a marriage should be or what I wanted in my life, but it wasn't even what I envisioned, you know I just I had to sit with me and decide what it is, what.
00:22:53.532 --> 00:22:58.407
I can't even blame these people because at the end of the day, I chose these people.
00:22:58.407 --> 00:23:05.079
So it's no need to talk about them or talk bad about them or put them in a bad light, because I chose these people.
00:23:05.079 --> 00:23:23.710
So I had to ask myself what in me Is so broken that I'm choosing these types of people that treat me this way, that mistreat me, that disrespect me and All you know different types of forms.
00:23:23.710 --> 00:23:36.143
So once I did that and I Share with my ex-wife I said listen, I Think you have to, you know, get you together and and heal.
00:23:36.282 --> 00:23:45.392
And I need to take time and heal, because I feel like I'm falling apart and I don't even recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror.
00:23:45.392 --> 00:23:55.013
A lot of times I would numb you know the pain or numb myself so that I could deal with things.
00:23:55.013 --> 00:24:00.768
You know, and that's just not who I was, you know.
00:24:00.768 --> 00:24:11.500
So now that I'm going through the healing process, because it's, it's not like you can just heal tomorrow and then you're good.
00:24:11.500 --> 00:24:12.442
You know it's.
00:24:12.442 --> 00:24:20.307
It takes time to heal because you have to recognize what in you is broken, you know, to get to the root of that thing.
00:24:20.307 --> 00:24:27.351
You know, and I'm at a place where I just want peace, peace of mind.
00:24:27.351 --> 00:24:53.240
I want someone that's gonna be able to love me, for me flaws and all, just love me for me, and Someone that has healed as well and understands the inner work that needs to be done to be able to Let go of the ego, let go of the pride, to be vulnerable with one another.
00:24:53.240 --> 00:24:59.530
Someone that puts God first, has a relationship with God.
00:24:59.530 --> 00:25:06.900
Not just go to church, because you can go to church, you know, but to have that relationship with God.
00:25:06.900 --> 00:25:11.992
It's a big difference, because I want somebody that's gonna pray for me when I can't pray for myself.
00:25:11.992 --> 00:25:14.930
You know I'm saying I want to pray for that person.
00:25:14.930 --> 00:25:45.240
We pray together before we make decisions, communicate with each other, not just think that they supposed to read my mind, you know, but I think a lot of people's expectations sometimes in Finding a relationship or getting married, a lot of times it's a timetable with society, it's you know.
00:25:45.560 --> 00:26:01.136
Oh, I'm 30 something years old and you know the clock is ticking and we're afraid to grow old by ourselves and being single.
00:26:01.136 --> 00:26:06.853
Sometimes we are afraid again to be vulnerable with someone.
00:26:06.853 --> 00:26:15.224
We are afraid of what our parents think, because they want grandbabies, you know.
00:26:15.224 --> 00:26:43.472
So you try to rush into marriage or rush to have a child by someone that doesn't even offer you a ring, that doesn't see you as a wife, you know, and sometimes you have to ask yourself say, if you've been in a relationship for six years and you're not happy, do you really think that getting married or having a baby is going to fix that or make you happy?
00:26:43.472 --> 00:26:45.586
No, it's not.
00:26:45.586 --> 00:27:00.155
If you are already unhappy and miserable in that relationship, you have to ask yourself will you continue to wait for them to ask you to marry them and keep waiting and hope that it'll get better?
00:27:00.155 --> 00:27:09.835
Or do you want another six, seven, ten years of whatever you've already been through and what you've gone through?
00:27:09.835 --> 00:27:13.330
You have to sit there and ask yourself that question.
00:27:15.486 --> 00:27:17.131
Some people don't want to start over.
00:27:17.131 --> 00:27:22.573
They have the fear of starting over again after they've invested some years.
00:27:22.573 --> 00:27:35.194
They don't want to start over and I think that's a poor a lot of the things I said is poor excuses just to get with someone and be in a relationship or even marry them.
00:27:35.194 --> 00:28:09.230
So I think that we have to take the time to heal, to find out what that root is, that thing that first hurt us, that started changing our views of life, that started tainting our views in relationships and feeling as if all men are cheaters, all women cheat or you know they're going to do this.
00:28:09.290 --> 00:28:21.875
To me, it's too good to be true that you can't even receive love because you've had so much bad in your life that you just expect things to just go wrong.
00:28:21.875 --> 00:28:26.308
And you can't live your life expecting things to go wrong.
00:28:26.308 --> 00:28:33.270
You have to live your life to the fullest live, laugh and love.
00:28:33.270 --> 00:28:40.750
And just same thing like when you get on a bike and you ride it and you fall, you get back up on it.
00:28:40.750 --> 00:28:55.976
You might have some bad jobs that you end up, you know enduring, but you know you don't just stop working because you know you had a bad job, you know you didn't like it or you felt burnt out or you felt used and mistreated.
00:28:55.976 --> 00:28:58.365
You go out there and get you another job.
00:28:58.365 --> 00:29:00.085
Same thing with a relationship.
00:29:00.085 --> 00:29:03.345
You got to keep going, you know.
00:29:03.345 --> 00:29:06.112
And don't be afraid to start over.
00:29:06.112 --> 00:29:10.329
You can't let fear hold you back from anything in life.
00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:12.586
A lot of times, fear holds us back.
00:29:12.586 --> 00:29:21.647
That's the number one thing that holds us back from a lot of things is fear, and we have to let go of that fear and be free to love.
00:29:21.647 --> 00:29:35.173
You know, a lot of times I feel like God wants us to not act like children in an immature way, but to be free like a child.
00:29:35.173 --> 00:29:47.106
You know, just be free, be free to love, be curious, enjoy life, enjoy love, and that's what I want to do one day.
00:29:47.106 --> 00:29:59.990
I don't mind being by myself for the rest of my life if that's what God's will is, but I really think that God knows my heart and he knows that I'm a lover.
00:29:59.990 --> 00:30:09.913
I'm a lover and I really want to be ready for love when it does come.
00:30:09.913 --> 00:30:18.704
I want to be healed enough so that way I understand what true love is.
00:30:19.665 --> 00:30:21.007
Caring for one another.
00:30:21.007 --> 00:30:27.290
You know, just being there in the time of whatever.
00:30:27.290 --> 00:30:32.295
You know, whatever happens through sickness and health.
00:30:32.295 --> 00:30:40.382
You know, through whatever it is that we have to go through, there are many struggles in life that we stick together.
00:30:40.382 --> 00:30:42.763
You know you got my back, I got your back.
00:30:42.763 --> 00:30:48.054
Type of relationship that we can beat all odds.
00:30:48.054 --> 00:30:50.821
You know us against the world.
00:30:50.821 --> 00:30:54.913
Type of relationship and set that example.
00:30:54.913 --> 00:31:08.311
You know just being partners, uplifting one another and I think it's really important that we really ask the right questions, asking the right questions.
00:31:08.311 --> 00:31:10.318
Don't be afraid to ask questions.
00:31:11.382 --> 00:31:23.925
You know and don't and do not lie about who you are, because if you lie about who you are, then you're starting your relationship off with a lie and no good is gonna come out of that.
00:31:23.925 --> 00:31:27.416
So you have to be honest with one another.
00:31:27.416 --> 00:31:28.640
And guess what?
00:31:28.640 --> 00:31:33.978
If you don't like what I laid out on the table, that's fine.
00:31:33.978 --> 00:31:37.830
You might say, oh, she too much, mm-hmm, I can't do it.
00:31:37.830 --> 00:31:41.865
Well, that's okay, because that right person will come along.
00:31:41.865 --> 00:31:44.930
That is right for you.
00:31:46.392 --> 00:31:53.028
Without any lies, without deceiving a person, be true to who you are.
00:31:53.028 --> 00:32:01.986
Don't just try to get that person because you think they so fine, or he's so sexy, or he did so, he's so handsome, and you know he, he's this and that.
00:32:01.986 --> 00:32:16.275
Well, she's this and that you know, and you want them so bad that you try to be what they want and then later down the line it don't work out because you are not being truthful, you're not being honest.
00:32:16.275 --> 00:32:22.137
Someone will love you just the way that you are, just the way that you are.
00:32:22.137 --> 00:32:28.715
You don't have to fake it, you don't have to put on a facade, you don't have to put on a mask.
00:32:28.715 --> 00:32:36.622
Take the mask off and reveal the true you and say hey, this is me, do you want it or not?
00:32:36.622 --> 00:32:40.894
You know what I mean and, like I said, ask the right questions.
00:32:40.894 --> 00:32:45.669
You know, it can even be like an application.
00:32:46.151 --> 00:32:52.076
Write down a whole bunch of questions that you want to ask this person or ask people even when you're dating.
00:32:52.076 --> 00:32:54.645
You know who's for you and who's not for you.
00:32:54.645 --> 00:33:00.913
So write down the things that you want out of a relationship.
00:33:00.913 --> 00:33:06.700
Write down what it is that you need, because there's a difference between needs and wants.
00:33:06.700 --> 00:33:15.531
Okay, but the things that you really need in a mate, write it down and don't be afraid to ask for that.
00:33:16.414 --> 00:33:18.160
Is this what type of person you are?
00:33:18.160 --> 00:33:22.974
You want someone that you can be yourself all the time, not just.
00:33:22.974 --> 00:33:23.296
You know.
00:33:23.296 --> 00:33:31.684
I've met people where, when they're around a girlfriend, they one way, when they're around a man, they different.
00:33:31.684 --> 00:33:34.790
You know Like who is this chick?
00:33:34.790 --> 00:33:35.612
You know what I mean.
00:33:35.612 --> 00:33:40.848
You have to be true to yourself all the time.
00:33:40.848 --> 00:33:42.051
You know what I'm saying.
00:33:42.051 --> 00:33:46.521
Don't be fake, don't be phony.
00:33:46.521 --> 00:33:50.111
Be you, and it's okay to be you.
00:33:51.053 --> 00:33:51.894
Unmask.
00:33:51.894 --> 00:33:54.582
Be who God created you to be.
00:33:54.582 --> 00:34:03.868
Whether it's bubbly, you want to attend, you know you're a joker, you know you're always having fun.
00:34:03.868 --> 00:34:06.998
Or you could be an introvert and you don't like to go out.
00:34:06.998 --> 00:34:08.771
You like to stay in the house all the time.
00:34:08.771 --> 00:34:10.860
For me, I'm a little bit of both.
00:34:10.860 --> 00:34:26.813
I love to socialize, I love to be around people and put smile on people's faces, but I'm also I can be an introvert, where I like to be, in my own bed in my own house, and I like to meditate and and have my me time.
00:34:26.813 --> 00:34:29.324
It's nothing like my me time, you know.
00:34:29.324 --> 00:34:46.797
So definitely understand that if you want someone in your life, you have to give them the version of you that God created.
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:50.525
Stop being someone that you're not.
00:34:50.525 --> 00:34:52.590
Stop trying to keep up with the Jones.
00:34:52.590 --> 00:34:55.907
Stop trying to chase money or material.
00:34:55.907 --> 00:35:00.880
You know, stop thinking that a man is supposed for my women.
00:35:00.880 --> 00:35:06.775
A man, you know, has to pay for your bills and pay for all this stuff.
00:35:06.775 --> 00:35:12.148
You know, for me, I was always independent.
00:35:12.148 --> 00:35:17.784
I worked two and three jobs Most of my life, 40-something jobs.
00:35:17.784 --> 00:35:23.764
I've worked, always great at it, mind you HR positions, administration, all of that.
00:35:23.764 --> 00:35:39.728
But I wanted my life to be comfortable for my children, and I never wanted to put myself on somebody else and ask them for money or ask them to pay my bills and things like that.
00:35:39.728 --> 00:35:42.277
My bills should already be paid for.
00:35:42.277 --> 00:35:48.740
I should be able to provide for myself, and if I have children too, you know, for my children as well.
00:35:49.563 --> 00:35:56.425
Now, when he comes in the picture, then he would be a helpmate or I would be a helpmate to him.
00:35:56.425 --> 00:35:58.152
That's how it should be.
00:35:58.152 --> 00:36:02.789
Nobody should be looking for someone to take care of them.
00:36:02.789 --> 00:36:05.101
That's what your mom and your daddy was for.
00:36:05.101 --> 00:36:06.226
You know what I'm saying.
00:36:06.226 --> 00:36:08.173
Or your grandma, or whoever raised you.
00:36:08.173 --> 00:36:15.934
But you don't go out here looking for someone to take care of you, because it's not gonna work.
00:36:15.934 --> 00:36:17.833
The relationship is gonna fail.
00:36:17.833 --> 00:36:24.512
You cannot go out here looking for someone to take care of you financially.
00:36:24.512 --> 00:36:37.659
You know you have to be able to do that yourself, and then if the person comes in and does want to take care of you and pay your bills, then that's just a bonus, you know.
00:36:37.659 --> 00:36:41.659
So, anyway, I just want to throw that out there.
00:36:41.659 --> 00:36:44.719
I don't know if anybody agrees or disagrees.
00:36:44.719 --> 00:36:46.306
That's up to you.
00:36:47.240 --> 00:36:54.844
This is my opinion, my thoughts, my beliefs, of all the things that I've been through our relationships?
00:36:54.844 --> 00:36:55.746
I've been through.
00:36:55.746 --> 00:37:01.447
It's important to find you, find yourself first.
00:37:01.447 --> 00:37:04.648
Be comfortable in loving who you are.
00:37:04.648 --> 00:37:07.719
Find out your likes and dislikes.
00:37:07.719 --> 00:37:14.108
Find out what your deal breakers are, whatever it is that makes you tick.
00:37:14.108 --> 00:37:21.891
Find out what those things are so when you do meet someone, you can share these thoughts with them.
00:37:21.891 --> 00:37:25.007
Find out if they have the same beliefs that you do.
00:37:25.007 --> 00:37:31.449
Find out you know what it is that for me.
00:37:31.610 --> 00:37:33.713
I want someone that's going to stimulate my mind.
00:37:33.713 --> 00:37:40.146
I want someone that I'm going to feel comfortable with, with makeup, without makeup.
00:37:40.146 --> 00:37:42.692
You know, with my head done, without my head done.
00:37:42.692 --> 00:37:52.409
You know I want to feel comfortable with that person and that person still thinks that I'm beautiful no matter what, because at the end of the day, we grow older.
00:37:52.409 --> 00:37:57.668
We're not going to always look the same Okay, he ain't going to always look the same.
00:37:58.541 --> 00:38:13.273
So you have to be able to fall in love with that person, not fall in love with the idea of love, fall in love with the vision that you had when you were 12 or 16, 20.
00:38:13.273 --> 00:38:18.692
You know you have to be able to fall in love with the person.
00:38:18.692 --> 00:38:32.471
Everything about that person that you love, that's what's going to help you to have a strong relationship, because there are going to be times that they get on your nerves.
00:38:32.471 --> 00:38:39.552
But even through them getting on your nerves, you got to say, hmm, he get on my nerves but I still love him.
00:38:39.552 --> 00:38:40.534
You know what I mean.
00:38:40.534 --> 00:38:43.329
She still get on my nerves but I'm in love with that woman.
00:38:43.329 --> 00:38:47.210
You know that's my lady or that's my man.
00:38:48.041 --> 00:38:55.713
You want somebody you can look at and say, hmm, hmm, it makes you feel good and proud to have them by your side.
00:38:56.880 --> 00:39:00.990
So, anyway, I ain't going to keep talking because you know I can talk for a minute.
00:39:00.990 --> 00:39:03.246
I just want to throw that out there.
00:39:03.246 --> 00:39:11.608
Stop trying to find things about a person that is.
00:39:11.608 --> 00:39:14.873
You know some things.
00:39:14.873 --> 00:39:17.476
Y'all be thinking it don't even exist.
00:39:17.476 --> 00:39:25.373
Okay, some people be far fetched out there thinking this is what this person is supposed to be.
00:39:25.373 --> 00:39:27.643
He's supposed to be this for me, she's supposed to be that for me.
00:39:29.041 --> 00:39:51.507
Find out what it is that you want, you both want, and then you know, come together and see if that works for you, and especially heal first, because what you don't want is have two broken people trying to build a relationship together, because they're going to end up Y'all gonna fuss, y'all gonna fight, y'all gonna have attitudes.
00:39:51.507 --> 00:39:54.719
Y'all not going to agree, y'all going to be disagreeing.
00:39:54.719 --> 00:40:01.614
You're going to be mad all the time because they haven't healed those things within themselves to be happy with themselves.
00:40:01.614 --> 00:40:05.329
Some people say, oh, he doesn't make me happy.
00:40:05.329 --> 00:40:09.603
You have to be already happy and full inside, can't?
00:40:09.603 --> 00:40:11.088
Nobody make you happy?
00:40:11.088 --> 00:40:15.699
You understand, nobody can make you something.
00:40:15.699 --> 00:40:20.492
You have to already be whole and that person needs to be whole.
00:40:20.492 --> 00:40:30.443
And when you come together then you guys can be able to work together like music, like rhythm Okay, like the rhythm and blues.
00:40:32.780 --> 00:40:48.996
So I just wanted to let you guys know that if you guys have any comments, if you have a letter you want to write in asking me any advice or any questions, please send it to free concepts podcast at gmailcom.
00:40:48.996 --> 00:40:54.550
That's, free concepts with an S podcast at gmailcom.
00:40:54.550 --> 00:41:04.173
If you want me to keep you anonymous, I will, but just go ahead and send me something so we can talk about it.
00:41:04.173 --> 00:41:06.606
Thank you so much for listening.
00:41:06.606 --> 00:41:08.907
I hope you guys have an amazing week.
00:41:08.907 --> 00:41:12.548
Continue to love yourself, be yourself.
00:41:12.548 --> 00:41:14.719
Don't let nobody steal your joy.
00:41:14.719 --> 00:41:17.306
Don't let nobody take you out of character.
00:41:17.306 --> 00:41:23.068
At the end of the day, you be the best version of you that you can be.
00:41:23.068 --> 00:41:25.887
God bless, you have a good one.
00:00:00.300 --> 00:00:06.232
Welcome to Free Concepts, unmask, where we motivate, educate and elevate.
00:00:06.232 --> 00:00:08.287
I am your host, shaniqua.
00:00:08.287 --> 00:00:10.887
Thank you so much for listening.
00:00:10.887 --> 00:00:12.625
Thank you for your support.
00:00:12.625 --> 00:00:14.805
Thank you for subscribing.
00:00:14.805 --> 00:00:16.783
Thank you for following.
00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:21.890
Before I begin with my topic, I'd like to start off with prayer.
00:00:21.890 --> 00:00:24.125
Father God, in the name of Jesus.
00:00:24.125 --> 00:00:26.841
God, I come to you, Lord, and I say thank you, god.
00:00:26.841 --> 00:00:30.611
Thank you, god, for all that you've done and all that you're doing in my life.
00:00:30.611 --> 00:00:32.926
God, I thank you for my listeners.
00:00:32.926 --> 00:00:37.731
God, I thank you for this platform and opportunity to be able to speak to your people.
00:00:37.731 --> 00:00:45.225
Give me the words to be able to encourage them where they are and hopefully and prayerfully uplift them.
00:00:45.225 --> 00:00:48.811
God, to make a difference, make a change in their lives.
00:00:48.811 --> 00:00:55.667
God, oh God, I thank you for your mercy, your grace, your forgiveness and, most of all, I thank you for your love.
00:00:55.667 --> 00:00:58.546
God is a God of love.
00:00:58.546 --> 00:01:00.183
Thank you, lord.
00:01:00.183 --> 00:01:03.966
Thank you for the blessings, thank you for the increase.
00:01:03.966 --> 00:01:12.344
Increase me, lord, jesus, god, increase in the name of Jesus, amen, amen, amen.
00:01:13.879 --> 00:01:16.168
Okay, we're going to start off with our topic.
00:01:16.168 --> 00:01:19.609
We're going to talk about relationships.
00:01:19.609 --> 00:01:25.391
Okay, I want to touch on this topic because I feel that it's so important.
00:01:25.391 --> 00:01:48.207
The reason why I talk about the healing process so much is because I believe that we should heal from whatever that we're broken from, whether it's abuse, neglect, issues, rejection, whatever it is that you've been through in your life that has built up a wall around your heart.
00:01:48.207 --> 00:01:57.365
Hopefully that we can break those walls down and rebuild, being able to trust once again.
00:01:58.859 --> 00:02:07.290
A lot of times we go through relationships and you know, especially bad relationships and we no longer trust anymore.
00:02:07.290 --> 00:02:14.691
We don't want to get our hearts broken, we don't want to get hurt again, but you have to be vulnerable to love.
00:02:14.691 --> 00:02:19.290
Okay, so you can't have one foot in the door and one foot out.
00:02:19.290 --> 00:02:21.165
You have to be all in.
00:02:21.165 --> 00:02:27.366
Yes, you may get hurt, but then again, you may not, but you have to be willing to take that chance.
00:02:27.366 --> 00:02:41.943
So I think that it's very important that when you meet someone, that you lie everything on the table, lay it all out there and talk about it, communicate.
00:02:41.943 --> 00:03:03.931
Communication definitely is key, but the reason I talk about the healing process so much is because we can have healthier relationships once we heal those things that we have been through that has damaged our hearts or broken our hearts or made us feel like we can't trust anymore.
00:03:03.931 --> 00:03:07.465
Whatever that is, that happened in your life.
00:03:07.465 --> 00:03:09.670
You got to get to the root of that thing.
00:03:10.580 --> 00:03:21.627
So a lot of women I'm going to start off with my women first A lot of women I've noticed on social media.
00:03:21.627 --> 00:03:33.272
They talk a lot about wanting someone to take care of them, wanting someone to provide financially for them, always chasing that bag.
00:03:33.272 --> 00:03:42.085
Now, ain't nothing wrong with chasing the bag when it comes to you starting your own business or you have your own career.
00:03:42.085 --> 00:03:57.513
As a woman, you know things that you're doing in your life, that you're already able to pay your own bills, that you're stable before you actually meet someone and you're in a relationship.
00:03:57.513 --> 00:04:07.269
I think it's really important that you talk about what your expectations are in a relationship, and it should not be based on materialistic things.
00:04:07.269 --> 00:04:13.270
It shouldn't be based on something that you're not willing to give yourself.
00:04:13.270 --> 00:04:17.208
I know I'm going to go to my men for a minute.
00:04:17.208 --> 00:04:20.165
A lot of men want the women to be submissive.
00:04:20.165 --> 00:04:27.911
Now, for me, I can be submissive, but I have to be able to trust you.
00:04:27.911 --> 00:04:32.011
I have to be able to feel secure and safe with you.
00:04:32.011 --> 00:04:45.670
I have to know that you will be able to lead in such a way that I'll be able to follow your lead and not just us saying a marriage.
00:04:45.670 --> 00:04:56.475
Your children should be able to see what example that you're setting for your family as a man.
00:04:57.240 --> 00:05:05.461
A lot of times we say that the man's responsibility is to provide and protect, and I agree with that.
00:05:05.461 --> 00:05:14.014
But I also agree with the fact that some women can provide and protect as well.
00:05:14.014 --> 00:05:16.666
You know, especially single women.
00:05:16.666 --> 00:05:29.329
But when we do enter a relationship with a man, we have to learn how to take those pants off, you know, and not wear the pants anymore, especially if you've been a single mom for a long time.
00:05:29.329 --> 00:05:35.531
It's hard to because you wear the hat of the man and the woman, the mother and the father.
00:05:35.531 --> 00:05:44.745
For me, as a single mom, at times I had to not only be the mom and now the responsibility.
00:05:44.745 --> 00:05:56.384
With mom, you're the counselor, you're the teacher, you're the doctor, you know you're the nurturer, you're everything for that child, you're providing, you're paying the bills.
00:05:56.384 --> 00:06:03.331
You know you're taking care of your business so that you're able to provide a stable environment for your children.
00:06:03.939 --> 00:06:36.723
But when you come into, you know, a relationship with a man, then you will need to give that torch to him and allow him to do that now If you want to be in a relationship, because every relationship is different and we have to get out of this mindset of this is what the man's places, this is what the woman's places, because, at the end of the day, when you come together, whatever I'm weak at you should be strong at.
00:06:36.723 --> 00:07:01.505
Whatever you're weak at, I should be strong at you know, I know how to put furniture together, I know how to work on cars, you know and I'm saying to change my own oil and things of that nature, and maybe a man may not know how to put furniture together or fix things, and you know whatever you know, but whatever it is that I can do best.
00:07:01.505 --> 00:07:04.512
And then you, you might be able to cook.
00:07:04.512 --> 00:07:17.286
Now, I know how to cook too, but if you know how to cook and you know, you know how to do other things, or you know handle the children or whatever it is, then we should be able to mesh together well, together.
00:07:17.410 --> 00:07:36.925
You know I I like dating, because when I first started dating I was really young when I met my son's father and we dated from probably like 12 years old.
00:07:36.925 --> 00:07:37.627
When I met him.
00:07:37.627 --> 00:07:40.495
We didn't start dating initially, we were just friends.
00:07:40.495 --> 00:07:48.639
But then I would say we were boyfriend and girlfriend about 15 years old, until I was about 21,.
00:07:48.639 --> 00:08:02.764
I would say and I didn't really know what my expectations were, hadn't dated enough and really learned myself enough to realize what I wanted.
00:08:02.764 --> 00:08:05.930
I didn't know what my likes, my dislikes were.
00:08:05.930 --> 00:08:13.689
I tried to be real cool and chill and not really nag or things like that.
00:08:13.689 --> 00:08:20.367
But when you're young you don't really know what it is.
00:08:20.387 --> 00:08:21.649
You know a healthy relationship looks like.
00:08:21.649 --> 00:08:35.581
I didn't know, anyway, what a healthy relationship looked like because of you know my mom was on drugs, she wasn't married, she wasn't married, things like that.
00:08:35.581 --> 00:08:38.038
You know my grandmother wasn't married.
00:08:38.038 --> 00:08:40.315
You know my great grandmother wasn't, you know.
00:08:40.315 --> 00:08:44.243
So I didn't see what a healthy relationship really looked like.
00:08:44.243 --> 00:08:58.326
I just knew we were boyfriend and girlfriend and sometimes we controlled each other in a sense of you know you can't talk to this person or I can't talk to that person and so forth.
00:08:58.326 --> 00:09:01.177
So it was an immature relationship.
00:09:01.177 --> 00:09:07.182
It didn't work out because you know he cheated.
00:09:07.182 --> 00:09:13.121
Then I would cheat because you know you made me mad because you cheated.
00:09:13.121 --> 00:09:16.240
So I'm going to cheat on you because you cheated on me being petty.
00:09:16.240 --> 00:09:17.072
You know what I mean.
00:09:17.750 --> 00:09:29.212
And then when I met my first husband, I, before we got married, I just I saw a red flags.
00:09:29.212 --> 00:09:48.659
You know he was really good to me in the beginning, but then you could tell he had these abusive ways, very controlling, wanting to know what I'm doing, you know, guilt tripping because he was cheating and doing stuff and things like that.
00:09:48.659 --> 00:09:53.878
But I didn't see that in the beginning, I didn't know he was cheating in the beginning.
00:09:53.878 --> 00:09:56.818
I just was like, oh, he really cares about me.
00:09:56.818 --> 00:09:57.471
You know.
00:09:57.471 --> 00:10:02.302
That's why he always wants to know where I am and what I'm doing and things like that.
00:10:03.110 --> 00:10:06.600
Later on it was just abusive relationship, abusive marriage.
00:10:06.600 --> 00:10:14.743
I really didn't know again what to look for in a man.
00:10:14.743 --> 00:10:20.636
So you know my next, you know marriage.
00:10:20.636 --> 00:10:34.384
I knew a little bit more because I was in the ministry when I met my second husband and I still, you know, and people talk me into it because I kept saying he wasn't my type.
00:10:34.384 --> 00:10:37.910
But they were like, well, what is your type, you know?
00:10:37.910 --> 00:10:51.761
And then I was like, well, you know someone, this, this, that you know, the other, just kind of some type of swag and all this other stuff you know, good to me, treats me good, things like that.
00:10:51.761 --> 00:10:58.054
But then you know, people were like, well, what was your type Haven't been working out for you.
00:10:58.054 --> 00:11:01.799
You know this is a good guy, you know, and I was like you know what?
00:11:01.799 --> 00:11:03.798
You have a point there to say to say.
00:11:04.529 --> 00:11:17.177
So, um, got in that relationship and tried to learn from my past relationships what not to do or to do, because of my first marriage I really didn't know how to cook.
00:11:17.177 --> 00:11:20.899
Um, I'm gonna tell you all a quick story.
00:11:20.899 --> 00:11:36.048
So Thanksgiving I cooked Thanksgiving dinner and at the time he wasn't my husband, I think we were engaged and I left I love everything into Turkey.
00:11:36.048 --> 00:11:36.892
Okay.
00:11:36.892 --> 00:11:41.235
So when he got home, the turkey looked good and everything.
00:11:41.235 --> 00:11:50.015
But when he tried to cut into that joke of honey, some blood came out and all it was hard to cut into.
00:11:50.015 --> 00:11:53.638
So he asked me did I take the stuff out the turkey?
00:11:53.638 --> 00:11:54.600
I said what's the?
00:11:54.600 --> 00:11:56.005
He was like the.
00:11:56.005 --> 00:12:01.990
You know the stuff that's in the turkey, like the neck and you know the gizzards or whatever.
00:12:01.990 --> 00:12:07.955
So I'm like mmm, it wasn't nothing in that turkey and he was like it's in all the turkeys.
00:12:07.955 --> 00:12:10.880
I was like no, he was like did you wash it?
00:12:10.880 --> 00:12:15.717
I see you washed it, chide, and left everything in the turkey, okay.
00:12:15.717 --> 00:12:18.427
So I didn't know how to cook, okay, I was just trying.
00:12:18.427 --> 00:12:19.330
I tried my best.
00:12:19.330 --> 00:12:22.799
He threw everything out, okay, through it all the way, even the sides.
00:12:22.799 --> 00:12:25.092
He was so pissed, so, anyway.
00:12:25.855 --> 00:12:42.433
So I learned how to cook, okay, cooked for my second husband, you know, took care of the kids, tried to be a better wife, and you know little.
00:12:42.433 --> 00:12:46.153
Same thing, you know he was cheating.
00:12:46.153 --> 00:12:50.602
And then, you know, I cheated, and you know things like that, because I, you know, I'm being petty.
00:12:50.602 --> 00:12:53.138
Now, now, back in the day, I used to be petty.
00:12:53.138 --> 00:12:55.304
I'ma tell you, I used to be really petty.
00:12:55.304 --> 00:12:56.750
You do something?
00:12:56.750 --> 00:12:59.523
Oh, I'm gonna show you better than you know.
00:12:59.523 --> 00:13:03.515
Then I can tell you okay, you cheated, I'm a cheap battle.
00:13:03.515 --> 00:13:04.018
That's.
00:13:04.018 --> 00:13:18.000
That's the attitude I had, not understanding the fact that why am I gonna give myself to somebody else that doesn't even deserve me, first of all, just to get back at him?
00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:20.544
You know I mean things like that, just immature.
00:13:20.544 --> 00:13:26.962
So then, after that, you know, after that divorce, I dated a lot.
00:13:26.962 --> 00:13:30.693
I Got a chance to know myself.
00:13:31.395 --> 00:13:55.134
Now, before my second marriage, I was Celeb it for four years and I Think I met him, probably like that second year, I think it was like two years after I was celibate and waited, you know, until we got married, to be intimate and Didn't work.
00:13:55.134 --> 00:14:05.767
Sometimes I used to tell people, you know, go ahead and you know, wait to get married first before you have sex.
00:14:05.767 --> 00:14:15.950
But I Don't say that anymore because you know you kind of might want to just try it out to see if it's for you.
00:14:15.950 --> 00:14:25.345
But, um, again, still immature, because I really didn't know or understand what a marriage consisted of.
00:14:25.345 --> 00:14:37.379
He worked, came home, went to sleep, didn't spend a lot of time, you know, with myself and the children, we didn't get any quality time, didn't take me out on dates and things like that.
00:14:37.379 --> 00:14:55.914
So, um, you know, after that marriage I started just kind of again being to myself and, you know, then I started dating, you know, probably about a couple years later, and I wanted to see what I really Enjoyed about me.
00:14:55.914 --> 00:15:02.120
So, you know, just dating myself, learning myself, loving myself, things like that.
00:15:03.630 --> 00:15:18.936
So later on I married a third time, okay, and and um, when I married my wife, I Saw red flags again, but not until now.
00:15:18.936 --> 00:15:30.017
See, I didn't see these red flags until my heart was already in, and then I would make excuses for the person, you know, and we were like best friends.
00:15:30.017 --> 00:15:32.482
You know, we hung out together, things like that.
00:15:32.482 --> 00:15:42.331
Later I Found out she was an introvert, you know, really didn't want to be around people didn't want to hang out, socialize and, you know, do things.
00:15:42.331 --> 00:15:44.115
Now I'm a karaoke girl.
00:15:44.115 --> 00:15:48.923
I like to go out and you know I want to go sing karaoke.
00:15:48.923 --> 00:15:58.809
I want to Be a social butterfly and you know I love to make people laugh and smile, things of that nature.
00:16:01.256 --> 00:16:05.289
Later down the line didn't work out Now it wasn't no cheating involved or anything like that.
00:16:05.289 --> 00:16:10.522
But I Learned a valuable lesson in all of that.
00:16:10.522 --> 00:16:22.148
I said all of that to say you have to love yourself, heal Because my brokenness and sometimes we trauma bond, and I think that's what we did.
00:16:22.148 --> 00:16:22.929
We trauma bonded when we first met.
00:16:22.929 --> 00:16:26.109
You know she had been through some stuff, I had been through some stuff.
00:16:26.109 --> 00:16:30.621
Same thing with my ex-husbands.
00:16:30.621 --> 00:16:39.160
You know they had been through stuff, you know, growing up and Saw abuse and things like that will have been abused.
00:16:39.160 --> 00:16:49.764
And then I had been, you know, abused as well and Just Toxic family, toxic environment.
00:16:50.265 --> 00:17:00.793
And so we're trying to then me, me and my brokenness, trying to get with someone and their brokenness and Trying to fix people.
00:17:00.793 --> 00:17:07.737
You know that's what I found myself doing trying to show this person hey, you can trust me.
00:17:07.737 --> 00:17:13.035
You know the other relationships failed you, they cheated or whatever, but I'm not gonna do that.
00:17:13.035 --> 00:17:13.696
You know what I mean.
00:17:13.696 --> 00:17:30.682
I'm here for you, trying to prove my love, and I Don't think you really should have to go so hard with proving yourself to someone and proving your love and they still don't accept it or receive it, you know.
00:17:30.682 --> 00:17:42.769
So all of that stuff that I went through, let me tell y'all I Really miss love y'all, cuz I'm just sharing all my business and I told you I would be authentic with you guys and transparent.
00:17:43.672 --> 00:17:53.996
But what I realized after this third marriage and divorce, I Just I said I couldn't do it anymore.
00:17:53.996 --> 00:17:55.480
I just couldn't do it anymore.
00:17:55.480 --> 00:17:59.073
I needed to find my peace, my peace of mind.
00:17:59.073 --> 00:18:04.663
I needed to find me because I always tried to be with everybody else, expecting me to be for them.
00:18:04.663 --> 00:18:10.540
That I lost myself and I didn't no longer Knew who I.
00:18:10.540 --> 00:18:12.130
I didn't know who I was anymore.
00:18:12.130 --> 00:18:18.403
You know I was trying to be whatever they wanted me to be, because I didn't want another failed marriage.
00:18:18.403 --> 00:18:24.410
So I'm trying to please and do and, like I said, I lost myself.
00:18:24.410 --> 00:18:26.115
I didn't.
00:18:26.115 --> 00:18:45.932
I lost sight of my goals, I lost sight of my dreams, I lost sight of my personality, because even sometimes they'd be like, oh, you're too much, because I'm, you know, bubbly and I'm always on a 10, you know, and I'm very open, you know, and they didn't like it, you know.
00:18:46.333 --> 00:19:00.210
So, trying to dim my light, you know, or trying to, and not intentionally, I don't, I'm not gonna say they intentionally did this, but I Felt as if I couldn't be me.
00:19:00.210 --> 00:19:04.267
You know, true to me, who God created me to be.
00:19:04.267 --> 00:19:14.119
I started to just be this person I didn't even recognize anymore because I'm so busy trying to, you know, take care of my kids and please them.
00:19:14.119 --> 00:19:17.910
I'm trying to, you know, please my job, I'm trying to please my spouse.
00:19:17.910 --> 00:19:32.325
I'm trying to Be this, this, this superwoman, and I put too much pressure on myself and I started falling apart, you know, and so I realized that, shneak, would you, I take time for you.
00:19:32.325 --> 00:19:38.680
You know, you have to learn how to self-love, self-care, all of that stuff that people talk about.
00:19:38.680 --> 00:19:43.269
You hear, I'm talking about it, but I didn't know that it applied to me.
00:19:43.628 --> 00:19:53.176
You know, I had kept going and kept going through failed relationships, you know, abuse, all kinds of stuff that have been through.
00:19:53.176 --> 00:19:59.039
You know, losses I've lost, you know, 26 people in my life that were so dear to me.
00:19:59.039 --> 00:20:05.458
Um, tragedies had happened, but I was taught and raised to keep going, no matter what.
00:20:05.458 --> 00:20:10.732
You know, my grandmother used to say grow a backbone, nikki, you can't do that, you know.
00:20:10.732 --> 00:20:21.579
So I was like, okay, I had went as far as I could go, because a lot of those times I didn't take time for me even to grieve and things like that.
00:20:21.579 --> 00:20:34.433
So I just kept going until I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown because I had just Tried to make everybody else comfortable around me and happy around me.
00:20:34.493 --> 00:20:41.719
That I wasn't happy anymore, you know, I wasn't my bubbly self anymore and I didn't like who I was changing into.
00:20:41.719 --> 00:20:47.140
You know, I've always said I want to change the world, I don't want the world to change me, you know.
00:20:47.140 --> 00:20:51.660
And so I had to get back to the core of who I am, who God created me to be.
00:20:51.660 --> 00:21:07.743
I had to let go of a lot of the toxicity and, um, even relationships, friendships, you know, had to disconnect myself because I found myself being around people that didn't, you know, see value in me.
00:21:07.743 --> 00:21:26.471
I didn't even see value in myself at one point, you know, I felt like I wasn't worthy because, you know my mom, you know, wasn't raising me and you know I went to my great-grandmother To be raised and I just felt like I wasn't wanted.
00:21:29.621 --> 00:21:35.748
So when you feel like that, it's easy for someone to manipulate you.
00:21:35.748 --> 00:21:47.566
It's easy for someone to Say they love you, but you don't really know how to receive love and you don't really know how to identify True love.
00:21:47.566 --> 00:21:51.057
You know, everybody's love language is different.
00:21:51.057 --> 00:22:08.972
For me, I think that I've always wanted someone that I could feel safe with, secure, with stable, someone that would be a good leader in my life and have my back no matter what, because that's that I'm that person.
00:22:08.972 --> 00:22:09.895
I'm a right-of-die.
00:22:09.895 --> 00:22:26.013
You know, in a relationship I give everything I got and and it's easy to lose yourself, especially when you're in love with someone and you love someone or you care for someone so much and you want it to.
00:22:26.013 --> 00:22:31.595
You know to be right, you want to be perfect, but nobody's perfect.
00:22:31.615 --> 00:22:53.532
I had this big vision in my head of what a marriage should be or what I wanted in my life, but it wasn't even what I envisioned, you know I just I had to sit with me and decide what it is, what.
00:22:53.532 --> 00:22:58.407
I can't even blame these people because at the end of the day, I chose these people.
00:22:58.407 --> 00:23:05.079
So it's no need to talk about them or talk bad about them or put them in a bad light, because I chose these people.
00:23:05.079 --> 00:23:23.710
So I had to ask myself what in me Is so broken that I'm choosing these types of people that treat me this way, that mistreat me, that disrespect me and All you know different types of forms.
00:23:23.710 --> 00:23:36.143
So once I did that and I Share with my ex-wife I said listen, I Think you have to, you know, get you together and and heal.
00:23:36.282 --> 00:23:45.392
And I need to take time and heal, because I feel like I'm falling apart and I don't even recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror.
00:23:45.392 --> 00:23:55.013
A lot of times I would numb you know the pain or numb myself so that I could deal with things.
00:23:55.013 --> 00:24:00.768
You know, and that's just not who I was, you know.
00:24:00.768 --> 00:24:11.500
So now that I'm going through the healing process, because it's, it's not like you can just heal tomorrow and then you're good.
00:24:11.500 --> 00:24:12.442
You know it's.
00:24:12.442 --> 00:24:20.307
It takes time to heal because you have to recognize what in you is broken, you know, to get to the root of that thing.
00:24:20.307 --> 00:24:27.351
You know, and I'm at a place where I just want peace, peace of mind.
00:24:27.351 --> 00:24:53.240
I want someone that's gonna be able to love me, for me flaws and all, just love me for me, and Someone that has healed as well and understands the inner work that needs to be done to be able to Let go of the ego, let go of the pride, to be vulnerable with one another.
00:24:53.240 --> 00:24:59.530
Someone that puts God first, has a relationship with God.
00:24:59.530 --> 00:25:06.900
Not just go to church, because you can go to church, you know, but to have that relationship with God.
00:25:06.900 --> 00:25:11.992
It's a big difference, because I want somebody that's gonna pray for me when I can't pray for myself.
00:25:11.992 --> 00:25:14.930
You know I'm saying I want to pray for that person.
00:25:14.930 --> 00:25:45.240
We pray together before we make decisions, communicate with each other, not just think that they supposed to read my mind, you know, but I think a lot of people's expectations sometimes in Finding a relationship or getting married, a lot of times it's a timetable with society, it's you know.
00:25:45.560 --> 00:26:01.136
Oh, I'm 30 something years old and you know the clock is ticking and we're afraid to grow old by ourselves and being single.
00:26:01.136 --> 00:26:06.853
Sometimes we are afraid again to be vulnerable with someone.
00:26:06.853 --> 00:26:15.224
We are afraid of what our parents think, because they want grandbabies, you know.
00:26:15.224 --> 00:26:43.472
So you try to rush into marriage or rush to have a child by someone that doesn't even offer you a ring, that doesn't see you as a wife, you know, and sometimes you have to ask yourself say, if you've been in a relationship for six years and you're not happy, do you really think that getting married or having a baby is going to fix that or make you happy?
00:26:43.472 --> 00:26:45.586
No, it's not.
00:26:45.586 --> 00:27:00.155
If you are already unhappy and miserable in that relationship, you have to ask yourself will you continue to wait for them to ask you to marry them and keep waiting and hope that it'll get better?
00:27:00.155 --> 00:27:09.835
Or do you want another six, seven, ten years of whatever you've already been through and what you've gone through?
00:27:09.835 --> 00:27:13.330
You have to sit there and ask yourself that question.
00:27:15.486 --> 00:27:17.131
Some people don't want to start over.
00:27:17.131 --> 00:27:22.573
They have the fear of starting over again after they've invested some years.
00:27:22.573 --> 00:27:35.194
They don't want to start over and I think that's a poor a lot of the things I said is poor excuses just to get with someone and be in a relationship or even marry them.
00:27:35.194 --> 00:28:09.230
So I think that we have to take the time to heal, to find out what that root is, that thing that first hurt us, that started changing our views of life, that started tainting our views in relationships and feeling as if all men are cheaters, all women cheat or you know they're going to do this.
00:28:09.290 --> 00:28:21.875
To me, it's too good to be true that you can't even receive love because you've had so much bad in your life that you just expect things to just go wrong.
00:28:21.875 --> 00:28:26.308
And you can't live your life expecting things to go wrong.
00:28:26.308 --> 00:28:33.270
You have to live your life to the fullest live, laugh and love.
00:28:33.270 --> 00:28:40.750
And just same thing like when you get on a bike and you ride it and you fall, you get back up on it.
00:28:40.750 --> 00:28:55.976
You might have some bad jobs that you end up, you know enduring, but you know you don't just stop working because you know you had a bad job, you know you didn't like it or you felt burnt out or you felt used and mistreated.
00:28:55.976 --> 00:28:58.365
You go out there and get you another job.
00:28:58.365 --> 00:29:00.085
Same thing with a relationship.
00:29:00.085 --> 00:29:03.345
You got to keep going, you know.
00:29:03.345 --> 00:29:06.112
And don't be afraid to start over.
00:29:06.112 --> 00:29:10.329
You can't let fear hold you back from anything in life.
00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:12.586
A lot of times, fear holds us back.
00:29:12.586 --> 00:29:21.647
That's the number one thing that holds us back from a lot of things is fear, and we have to let go of that fear and be free to love.
00:29:21.647 --> 00:29:35.173
You know, a lot of times I feel like God wants us to not act like children in an immature way, but to be free like a child.
00:29:35.173 --> 00:29:47.106
You know, just be free, be free to love, be curious, enjoy life, enjoy love, and that's what I want to do one day.
00:29:47.106 --> 00:29:59.990
I don't mind being by myself for the rest of my life if that's what God's will is, but I really think that God knows my heart and he knows that I'm a lover.
00:29:59.990 --> 00:30:09.913
I'm a lover and I really want to be ready for love when it does come.
00:30:09.913 --> 00:30:18.704
I want to be healed enough so that way I understand what true love is.
00:30:19.665 --> 00:30:21.007
Caring for one another.
00:30:21.007 --> 00:30:27.290
You know, just being there in the time of whatever.
00:30:27.290 --> 00:30:32.295
You know, whatever happens through sickness and health.
00:30:32.295 --> 00:30:40.382
You know, through whatever it is that we have to go through, there are many struggles in life that we stick together.
00:30:40.382 --> 00:30:42.763
You know you got my back, I got your back.
00:30:42.763 --> 00:30:48.054
Type of relationship that we can beat all odds.
00:30:48.054 --> 00:30:50.821
You know us against the world.
00:30:50.821 --> 00:30:54.913
Type of relationship and set that example.
00:30:54.913 --> 00:31:08.311
You know just being partners, uplifting one another and I think it's really important that we really ask the right questions, asking the right questions.
00:31:08.311 --> 00:31:10.318
Don't be afraid to ask questions.
00:31:11.382 --> 00:31:23.925
You know and don't and do not lie about who you are, because if you lie about who you are, then you're starting your relationship off with a lie and no good is gonna come out of that.
00:31:23.925 --> 00:31:27.416
So you have to be honest with one another.
00:31:27.416 --> 00:31:28.640
And guess what?
00:31:28.640 --> 00:31:33.978
If you don't like what I laid out on the table, that's fine.
00:31:33.978 --> 00:31:37.830
You might say, oh, she too much, mm-hmm, I can't do it.
00:31:37.830 --> 00:31:41.865
Well, that's okay, because that right person will come along.
00:31:41.865 --> 00:31:44.930
That is right for you.
00:31:46.392 --> 00:31:53.028
Without any lies, without deceiving a person, be true to who you are.
00:31:53.028 --> 00:32:01.986
Don't just try to get that person because you think they so fine, or he's so sexy, or he did so, he's so handsome, and you know he, he's this and that.
00:32:01.986 --> 00:32:16.275
Well, she's this and that you know, and you want them so bad that you try to be what they want and then later down the line it don't work out because you are not being truthful, you're not being honest.
00:32:16.275 --> 00:32:22.137
Someone will love you just the way that you are, just the way that you are.
00:32:22.137 --> 00:32:28.715
You don't have to fake it, you don't have to put on a facade, you don't have to put on a mask.
00:32:28.715 --> 00:32:36.622
Take the mask off and reveal the true you and say hey, this is me, do you want it or not?
00:32:36.622 --> 00:32:40.894
You know what I mean and, like I said, ask the right questions.
00:32:40.894 --> 00:32:45.669
You know, it can even be like an application.
00:32:46.151 --> 00:32:52.076
Write down a whole bunch of questions that you want to ask this person or ask people even when you're dating.
00:32:52.076 --> 00:32:54.645
You know who's for you and who's not for you.
00:32:54.645 --> 00:33:00.913
So write down the things that you want out of a relationship.
00:33:00.913 --> 00:33:06.700
Write down what it is that you need, because there's a difference between needs and wants.
00:33:06.700 --> 00:33:15.531
Okay, but the things that you really need in a mate, write it down and don't be afraid to ask for that.
00:33:16.414 --> 00:33:18.160
Is this what type of person you are?
00:33:18.160 --> 00:33:22.974
You want someone that you can be yourself all the time, not just.
00:33:22.974 --> 00:33:23.296
You know.
00:33:23.296 --> 00:33:31.684
I've met people where, when they're around a girlfriend, they one way, when they're around a man, they different.
00:33:31.684 --> 00:33:34.790
You know Like who is this chick?
00:33:34.790 --> 00:33:35.612
You know what I mean.
00:33:35.612 --> 00:33:40.848
You have to be true to yourself all the time.
00:33:40.848 --> 00:33:42.051
You know what I'm saying.
00:33:42.051 --> 00:33:46.521
Don't be fake, don't be phony.
00:33:46.521 --> 00:33:50.111
Be you, and it's okay to be you.
00:33:51.053 --> 00:33:51.894
Unmask.
00:33:51.894 --> 00:33:54.582
Be who God created you to be.
00:33:54.582 --> 00:34:03.868
Whether it's bubbly, you want to attend, you know you're a joker, you know you're always having fun.
00:34:03.868 --> 00:34:06.998
Or you could be an introvert and you don't like to go out.
00:34:06.998 --> 00:34:08.771
You like to stay in the house all the time.
00:34:08.771 --> 00:34:10.860
For me, I'm a little bit of both.
00:34:10.860 --> 00:34:26.813
I love to socialize, I love to be around people and put smile on people's faces, but I'm also I can be an introvert, where I like to be, in my own bed in my own house, and I like to meditate and and have my me time.
00:34:26.813 --> 00:34:29.324
It's nothing like my me time, you know.
00:34:29.324 --> 00:34:46.797
So definitely understand that if you want someone in your life, you have to give them the version of you that God created.
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:50.525
Stop being someone that you're not.
00:34:50.525 --> 00:34:52.590
Stop trying to keep up with the Jones.
00:34:52.590 --> 00:34:55.907
Stop trying to chase money or material.
00:34:55.907 --> 00:35:00.880
You know, stop thinking that a man is supposed for my women.
00:35:00.880 --> 00:35:06.775
A man, you know, has to pay for your bills and pay for all this stuff.
00:35:06.775 --> 00:35:12.148
You know, for me, I was always independent.
00:35:12.148 --> 00:35:17.784
I worked two and three jobs Most of my life, 40-something jobs.
00:35:17.784 --> 00:35:23.764
I've worked, always great at it, mind you HR positions, administration, all of that.
00:35:23.764 --> 00:35:39.728
But I wanted my life to be comfortable for my children, and I never wanted to put myself on somebody else and ask them for money or ask them to pay my bills and things like that.
00:35:39.728 --> 00:35:42.277
My bills should already be paid for.
00:35:42.277 --> 00:35:48.740
I should be able to provide for myself, and if I have children too, you know, for my children as well.
00:35:49.563 --> 00:35:56.425
Now, when he comes in the picture, then he would be a helpmate or I would be a helpmate to him.
00:35:56.425 --> 00:35:58.152
That's how it should be.
00:35:58.152 --> 00:36:02.789
Nobody should be looking for someone to take care of them.
00:36:02.789 --> 00:36:05.101
That's what your mom and your daddy was for.
00:36:05.101 --> 00:36:06.226
You know what I'm saying.
00:36:06.226 --> 00:36:08.173
Or your grandma, or whoever raised you.
00:36:08.173 --> 00:36:15.934
But you don't go out here looking for someone to take care of you, because it's not gonna work.
00:36:15.934 --> 00:36:17.833
The relationship is gonna fail.
00:36:17.833 --> 00:36:24.512
You cannot go out here looking for someone to take care of you financially.
00:36:24.512 --> 00:36:37.659
You know you have to be able to do that yourself, and then if the person comes in and does want to take care of you and pay your bills, then that's just a bonus, you know.
00:36:37.659 --> 00:36:41.659
So, anyway, I just want to throw that out there.
00:36:41.659 --> 00:36:44.719
I don't know if anybody agrees or disagrees.
00:36:44.719 --> 00:36:46.306
That's up to you.
00:36:47.240 --> 00:36:54.844
This is my opinion, my thoughts, my beliefs, of all the things that I've been through our relationships?
00:36:54.844 --> 00:36:55.746
I've been through.
00:36:55.746 --> 00:37:01.447
It's important to find you, find yourself first.
00:37:01.447 --> 00:37:04.648
Be comfortable in loving who you are.
00:37:04.648 --> 00:37:07.719
Find out your likes and dislikes.
00:37:07.719 --> 00:37:14.108
Find out what your deal breakers are, whatever it is that makes you tick.
00:37:14.108 --> 00:37:21.891
Find out what those things are so when you do meet someone, you can share these thoughts with them.
00:37:21.891 --> 00:37:25.007
Find out if they have the same beliefs that you do.
00:37:25.007 --> 00:37:31.449
Find out you know what it is that for me.
00:37:31.610 --> 00:37:33.713
I want someone that's going to stimulate my mind.
00:37:33.713 --> 00:37:40.146
I want someone that I'm going to feel comfortable with, with makeup, without makeup.
00:37:40.146 --> 00:37:42.692
You know, with my head done, without my head done.
00:37:42.692 --> 00:37:52.409
You know I want to feel comfortable with that person and that person still thinks that I'm beautiful no matter what, because at the end of the day, we grow older.
00:37:52.409 --> 00:37:57.668
We're not going to always look the same Okay, he ain't going to always look the same.
00:37:58.541 --> 00:38:13.273
So you have to be able to fall in love with that person, not fall in love with the idea of love, fall in love with the vision that you had when you were 12 or 16, 20.
00:38:13.273 --> 00:38:18.692
You know you have to be able to fall in love with the person.
00:38:18.692 --> 00:38:32.471
Everything about that person that you love, that's what's going to help you to have a strong relationship, because there are going to be times that they get on your nerves.
00:38:32.471 --> 00:38:39.552
But even through them getting on your nerves, you got to say, hmm, he get on my nerves but I still love him.
00:38:39.552 --> 00:38:40.534
You know what I mean.
00:38:40.534 --> 00:38:43.329
She still get on my nerves but I'm in love with that woman.
00:38:43.329 --> 00:38:47.210
You know that's my lady or that's my man.
00:38:48.041 --> 00:38:55.713
You want somebody you can look at and say, hmm, hmm, it makes you feel good and proud to have them by your side.
00:38:56.880 --> 00:39:00.990
So, anyway, I ain't going to keep talking because you know I can talk for a minute.
00:39:00.990 --> 00:39:03.246
I just want to throw that out there.
00:39:03.246 --> 00:39:11.608
Stop trying to find things about a person that is.
00:39:11.608 --> 00:39:14.873
You know some things.
00:39:14.873 --> 00:39:17.476
Y'all be thinking it don't even exist.
00:39:17.476 --> 00:39:25.373
Okay, some people be far fetched out there thinking this is what this person is supposed to be.
00:39:25.373 --> 00:39:27.643
He's supposed to be this for me, she's supposed to be that for me.
00:39:29.041 --> 00:39:51.507
Find out what it is that you want, you both want, and then you know, come together and see if that works for you, and especially heal first, because what you don't want is have two broken people trying to build a relationship together, because they're going to end up Y'all gonna fuss, y'all gonna fight, y'all gonna have attitudes.
00:39:51.507 --> 00:39:54.719
Y'all not going to agree, y'all going to be disagreeing.
00:39:54.719 --> 00:40:01.614
You're going to be mad all the time because they haven't healed those things within themselves to be happy with themselves.
00:40:01.614 --> 00:40:05.329
Some people say, oh, he doesn't make me happy.
00:40:05.329 --> 00:40:09.603
You have to be already happy and full inside, can't?
00:40:09.603 --> 00:40:11.088
Nobody make you happy?
00:40:11.088 --> 00:40:15.699
You understand, nobody can make you something.
00:40:15.699 --> 00:40:20.492
You have to already be whole and that person needs to be whole.
00:40:20.492 --> 00:40:30.443
And when you come together then you guys can be able to work together like music, like rhythm Okay, like the rhythm and blues.
00:40:32.780 --> 00:40:48.996
So I just wanted to let you guys know that if you guys have any comments, if you have a letter you want to write in asking me any advice or any questions, please send it to free concepts podcast at gmailcom.
00:40:48.996 --> 00:40:54.550
That's, free concepts with an S podcast at gmailcom.
00:40:54.550 --> 00:41:04.173
If you want me to keep you anonymous, I will, but just go ahead and send me something so we can talk about it.
00:41:04.173 --> 00:41:06.606
Thank you so much for listening.
00:41:06.606 --> 00:41:08.907
I hope you guys have an amazing week.
00:41:08.907 --> 00:41:12.548
Continue to love yourself, be yourself.
00:41:12.548 --> 00:41:14.719
Don't let nobody steal your joy.
00:41:14.719 --> 00:41:17.306
Don't let nobody take you out of character.
00:41:17.306 --> 00:41:23.068
At the end of the day, you be the best version of you that you can be.
00:41:23.068 --> 00:41:25.887
God bless, you have a good one.
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