ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Good morning, Five Minute Families. Have you ever ignored a family member? Now, be honest. You know you have. We all have. When we’re angry. When we’re distracted. When we’re tired. But, to what cost? When your child runs up to hug you and you keep typing out a text or when your spouse points out a beautiful bird outside the window and you keep watching your show, what impact do you think you are having on your family?
Our loved ones reach out in myriad ways throughout the day. Dr. John Gottman found that in marriages where spouses only responded to those attempts to connect about one third of the time, the couple was less happy than in marriages where spouses responded to each other nine out of ten times.
This makes me think of how in the Psalm 13 opens with the statement “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” And later in the same psalm, “But I have trusted in your lovingkindness; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.” Those same feelings can accompany being ignored, but remember we are all human and are not perfect and we can trust in the goodness of God and try to be the nine out of ten times responder.
Currently, I am going through some medical stuff. I keep talking to and showing Jim my concerns. He looks every time and gives me a sympathetic response. He can’t fix it, and there really isn’t much he can do to help, but he acknowledges my pain and discomfort and still periodically asks if there is anything he can do for me. It means the world to me that he acknowledges what I am going through.
Five points to remember when you are working to make sure you are responding well - or getting better about responding…
Even when you “aren’t feelin’ it,” you need to respond positively to your loved ones, or, well, maybe that should be ESPECIALLY when you aren’t feelin’ it. Love is not simply a feeling. Love is an action. God’s word describes love as an action word because it is bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Spend some time this week with your family reading and memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. When you meditate on God’s ACTIONS of love, you will find that it will become easier and easier to respond in love, no matter what you are feeling in the moment.
Plan screen-free or device-free times in your family. We are all too distracted to-day. Train your brain away from the dopamine response of the devices and instead get the “feel good” hormone of dopamine by making time to eat together and exercise together. Go for a walk, turn on the music and dance. You get the idea.
The flip side of device-free time would be to use your devices as tools for connection. Set reminders, share memes, text one another, video chat, and of course call. Folks have the possibility of being more connected than ever, if we would simply use the tools we have wisely.
If you didn’t hug back or respond in real time, seek out your child or spouse, and ask for a do-over. Apologize if needed and then hug. Research shows that a 20 second hug can help to decrease the levels of the stress hormone cortisol, increase the levels of the “feeling connected” hormone oxytocin levels, and to facilitate bonding between partners. One study shows that the length of our hugs matters more than the number of hugs, though, truthfully, with teenagers, you may need to keep your hugs short if you have a teen who is struggling with hugging for a time.
God is all about connection. Just think about Romans 5:8, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” As well as John 15:5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me and I in him pro-duces much fruit, because you can do nothing without me.” God is our model of intentional intimacy. Seek Him and He will guide your attempts at connection.
No matter where you are on the “responding to one another” spectrum, remember that we can all stand to improve while walking this earthly life. God transforms hearts, and transformed hearts can learn to communicate more effectively and love more deeply than they ever thought possible. Be blessed!
