Full Transcript for Communication: Better Connection...Less Conflict!

00:03:31.400 --> 00:03:34.520 I want to come in with my emotions first, and 75 00:03:34.520 --> 00:03:36.599 instead I stop and I lie, Okay, what do I feel? 76 00:03:36.759 --> 00:03:37.520 What do I want to hear? 77 00:03:37.840 --> 00:03:40.319 And I would say ninety nine percent of the time 78 00:03:40.479 --> 00:03:42.039 if I do this at work, if I do this 79 00:03:42.080 --> 00:03:44.319 with a friend or my husband, it works. The person 80 00:03:44.400 --> 00:03:46.800 is so much more receptive to hearing you because, like 81 00:03:46.840 --> 00:03:48.960 you just said, you actually gave them a piece of 82 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:53.360 your story and let them see in and open that up. Yes, 83 00:03:53.400 --> 00:03:55.599 and if you can, I think it also helps to 84 00:03:55.960 --> 00:04:01.520 if the feeling statement it typically is an anger. The 85 00:04:01.639 --> 00:04:04.560 root is like anger, and it's a cousin of it, 86 00:04:04.599 --> 00:04:10.560 which is frustrated, irritated. Even upset typically lends itself to anger, 87 00:04:11.120 --> 00:04:15.000 and anger is a secondary emotion, so it's even It's 88 00:04:15.039 --> 00:04:19.680 even more beneficial if we can identify the underlying emotion, 89 00:04:19.800 --> 00:04:24.879 the vulnerable emotion under anger, because it's more vulnerable and 90 00:04:25.279 --> 00:04:27.120 people don't really know what to do with our anger. 91 00:04:27.160 --> 00:04:28.480 We don't know what to do with our anger. 92 00:04:28.600 --> 00:04:33.439 We need anger. It is a protective shield for those 93 00:04:33.519 --> 00:04:39.319 more vulnerable, more vulnerable emotions. But if you're especially especially 94 00:04:39.319 --> 00:04:42.560 with an intimate partner or your children, the closer the 95 00:04:42.600 --> 00:04:45.560 person is to you, the more important it is to 96 00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:49.759 really figure out what that underlying emotion is behind the anger. 97 00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:58.240 So discarded or disrespected or rejected, betrayed, lonely, hurt. 98 00:04:59.199 --> 00:05:02.199 I feel like anger is is an action. I almost 99 00:05:02.240 --> 00:05:03.920 don't even think of anger as an emotion because you 100 00:05:03.959 --> 00:05:07.199 so beautifully said there's a hundred different terms to describe 101 00:05:07.199 --> 00:05:10.639 what's happening to me. But I'm displaying anger as a 102 00:05:10.639 --> 00:05:15.959 result of frustration, annoyance, sadness, resentment. I love that, and 103 00:05:16.040 --> 00:05:18.319 those words are hard, but we're not used to saying 104 00:05:18.360 --> 00:05:21.639 the words underneath anger, sadness, happy, like we just use 105 00:05:21.680 --> 00:05:26.199 those big terms that A loans, a journey, m. 106 00:05:25.480 --> 00:05:29.399 Yeah, but I even think of frustration as a subset 107 00:05:29.480 --> 00:05:34.879 of anger. You, we're usually frustrated because we don't feel heard, 108 00:05:35.319 --> 00:05:41.000 or we feel disrespected or taken up for granted or yeah, 109 00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:42.759 those things. 110 00:05:43.000 --> 00:05:45.160 So and then someone can know us better. 111 00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:47.959 When I say, if my word is something like or 112 00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:51.879 I feel, you know, I feel overwhelmed, that word sounds 113 00:05:51.879 --> 00:05:53.959 a lot different than I'm angry because there's you know, 114 00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:55.759 a fork in the sink or shoes in the hallway 115 00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:56.199 or whatever. 116 00:05:56.680 --> 00:05:59.040 Yea so much better. So this is hard. 117 00:05:59.199 --> 00:06:02.040 And I would often too, with what you said, Krinn 118 00:06:02.079 --> 00:06:04.879 that give yourselves grace if you try this and have 119 00:06:04.959 --> 00:06:05.439 fun with it. 120 00:06:05.800 --> 00:06:07.360 I had this one couple I worked with. 121 00:06:07.600 --> 00:06:09.879 He was not a first responder, but he was learning 122 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:14.360 to use emotional language, and so he would He was 123 00:06:14.480 --> 00:06:16.399 very bad at it, and it became a joke because 124 00:06:16.439 --> 00:06:17.879 I would do a little bit of time with him 125 00:06:17.879 --> 00:06:18.680 and his wife together. 126 00:06:18.720 --> 00:06:20.439 He was the client, but we were working together and 127 00:06:20.879 --> 00:06:21.519 he would. 128 00:06:21.240 --> 00:06:24.040 Try and it would be so awkward, and they would 129 00:06:24.040 --> 00:06:27.000 almost start laughing because they like, you're so bad at it. 130 00:06:27.199 --> 00:06:29.800 But he was trying, and at the end of the 131 00:06:29.879 --> 00:06:31.920 day he did get better and he was able to 132 00:06:32.079 --> 00:06:34.800 use these words a little more authentically. But so give 133 00:06:34.800 --> 00:06:36.800 yourselves the grace that we're not used to this in 134 00:06:36.800 --> 00:06:39.240 our culture. We don't explore very much, so it might 135 00:06:39.279 --> 00:06:39.759 be odd. 136 00:06:40.079 --> 00:06:42.240 Yeah. And I tell people too, when I work with 137 00:06:42.439 --> 00:06:46.839 couples that to make fun of me together, as like, 138 00:06:47.240 --> 00:06:50.680 I have given you this cheesy framework, and it brings 139 00:06:50.680 --> 00:06:51.199 you together. 140 00:06:51.319 --> 00:06:53.839 If it's you two making fun of me right, I 141 00:06:53.920 --> 00:06:54.319 love that. 142 00:06:54.439 --> 00:06:54.839 I love it. 143 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:57.560 Throw you under the bus because yeah, it's a stupid skill. 144 00:06:57.639 --> 00:06:59.040 She sent me in a do all week. We have 145 00:06:59.040 --> 00:07:00.199 to practice our skill. 146 00:07:00.600 --> 00:07:04.160 And how cheesy this is to say, I feel frustrated 147 00:07:04.199 --> 00:07:04.800 when you. 148 00:07:05.279 --> 00:07:06.399 And you can make it your own. 149 00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:09.079 You know the actual Depending

on which statement or which 150 00:07:09.560 --> 00:07:12.399 diagram you use, there's the I feel because, and it 151 00:07:12.399 --> 00:07:14.240 can be I need or I feel because and I. 152 00:07:14.240 --> 00:07:16.680 Want or desire. But you can use your own language, right, 153 00:07:16.720 --> 00:07:17.319 you don't have to. 154 00:07:17.360 --> 00:07:20.800 Use this heart you know the structure, but the idea 155 00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:22.639 of it is start with the feeling word and explain 156 00:07:22.680 --> 00:07:25.000 yourself without pointing a finger at the other person. 157 00:07:26.160 --> 00:07:28.360 And like anything else, like you kind of have to 158 00:07:28.399 --> 00:07:32.319 get the fundamentals down before it you will be able 159 00:07:32.360 --> 00:07:35.959 to make it your own and keep it where it 160 00:07:36.120 --> 00:07:39.759 allows for non defensiveness. So as you practice it more 161 00:07:39.800 --> 00:07:41.680 and get that framework down, then you'll be able to 162 00:07:41.879 --> 00:07:44.120 do it a little bit more seamlessly. And I also 163 00:07:44.439 --> 00:07:48.800 think whenever possible, if we can ask the person upfront 164 00:07:49.000 --> 00:07:52.399 if now is a good time to talk and to 165 00:07:52.519 --> 00:07:55.399 say why, because even if you're like I want to 166 00:07:55.399 --> 00:07:57.079 talk to you about something, is now a good time? 167 00:07:57.160 --> 00:08:00.560 It's like done, done, done, And when you give the 168 00:08:00.600 --> 00:08:03.560 person what you do want to be talking about, they 169 00:08:03.600 --> 00:08:07.360 can decide more accurately if now is a good time 170 00:08:07.360 --> 00:08:08.079 to talk about that. 171 00:08:08.360 --> 00:08:10.399 I love asking for permission, and this is true for 172 00:08:10.439 --> 00:08:13.480 parents to children a lot ask them permission. Would you 173 00:08:13.680 --> 00:08:16.360 like me to give you an idea of what has 174 00:08:16.360 --> 00:08:17.360 helped someone I know about? 175 00:08:17.519 --> 00:08:19.600 Or was it okay if I ask you about this? 176 00:08:19.959 --> 00:08:22.920 Asking permission opens that same door like the feeling words, 177 00:08:23.199 --> 00:08:24.800 and it makes sure the timing is right, and it 178 00:08:24.800 --> 00:08:28.040 gives the person that you're asking, I guess a little 179 00:08:28.040 --> 00:08:29.240 bit of ownership with the conversation. 180 00:08:29.560 --> 00:08:32.000 Yeah, and if it's like right when you've come home 181 00:08:32.039 --> 00:08:36.399 from a shift and your significant others like just launches 182 00:08:36.480 --> 00:08:41.240 into that I feel disrespected when you and and you're 183 00:08:41.240 --> 00:08:44.559 not in any place to be hearing any of that, 184 00:08:44.799 --> 00:08:47.000 it's not going to go as well. So if we 185 00:08:47.039 --> 00:08:49.759 can practice saying like, is now a good time, and 186 00:08:49.799 --> 00:08:52.200 then you can

say I'm to sleep for a few 187 00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:56.039 hours or just decompressed for a minute. The sweet spot 188 00:08:56.080 --> 00:08:58.279 of this is to not kick the can too far 189 00:08:58.320 --> 00:09:00.279 down the road. So it's like, if you if now 190 00:09:00.399 --> 00:09:02.440 is not a good time, when in the next. 191 00:09:02.240 --> 00:09:03.360 Twenty four hours. 192 00:09:03.720 --> 00:09:07.039 Can you say how about tonight after dinner, when we 193 00:09:07.080 --> 00:09:09.879 put the kids to bed, tomorrow morning, after I've had 194 00:09:09.879 --> 00:09:13.799 a good night's sleep, and book the time of when 195 00:09:13.840 --> 00:09:16.000 you're going to follow back up with it. 196 00:09:16.559 --> 00:09:18.799 That's a great one. It's again so simple, isn't it? 197 00:09:18.879 --> 00:09:19.519 Just ask someone? 198 00:09:19.559 --> 00:09:21.399 Can we talk about this now our genian little time? 199 00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:23.840 Or can we talk about this specific thing I we 200 00:09:23.960 --> 00:09:24.519 need sometime? 201 00:09:24.720 --> 00:09:25.399 I know I don't do that. 202 00:09:25.399 --> 00:09:27.440 I go home and I started going my husband's trying 203 00:09:27.480 --> 00:09:29.559 to watch TV, and I start talking about the schedule 204 00:09:29.759 --> 00:09:32.200 and the orthodonist and all these things that I don't 205 00:09:32.240 --> 00:09:34.039 stop and go, wait, is it okay to chat? 206 00:09:34.120 --> 00:09:35.519 And I you know, we forget. 207 00:09:35.320 --> 00:09:37.480 To do these, even those of us that are trained 208 00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:40.679 and practice them so good reminders, and then. 209 00:09:40.559 --> 00:09:43.200 We're surprised when they're like this, you know, don't have 210 00:09:43.240 --> 00:09:46.000 an awesome reaction to it. And it's like, well, also, 211 00:09:46.320 --> 00:09:49.440 you know, we forget that whatever the thing is we're 212 00:09:49.440 --> 00:09:52.799 bringing up, we've been stewing on it likely and tossing 213 00:09:52.840 --> 00:09:53.720 it around in our head. 214 00:09:54.360 --> 00:09:55.919 So when we bring it up. 215 00:09:56.200 --> 00:09:59.679 And this is why it's important to identify what topic 216 00:09:59.720 --> 00:10:02.799 it is that you're wanting to talk about because they 217 00:10:02.840 --> 00:10:05.600 may need a minute to even get up to speed 218 00:10:05.720 --> 00:10:09.120 or to think about where they are even at with 219 00:10:09.200 --> 00:10:13.080 that topic. And if they haven't been tossing it around 220 00:10:13.279 --> 00:10:17.600 or going over it, you are way more ready to. 221 00:10:19.120 --> 00:10:21.480 Prove your side of the case if you will. Yeah, 222 00:10:21.480 --> 00:10:23.320 And they might be like, wait, is this an issue? 223 00:10:23.360 --> 00:10:24.759 Like what are we talking about here? I didn't even 224 00:10:24.759 --> 00:10:25.720 know and we've been Yeah. 225 00:10:25.759 --> 00:10:28.440 I love that you said that, because and some people 226 00:10:28.559 --> 00:10:31.720 just stew more than others and build their own And 227 00:10:31.960 --> 00:10:35.240 if you're stewing, you're building your own energy and potentially 228 00:10:35.279 --> 00:10:37.360 more of that resentment or frustration by the time you 229 00:10:37.399 --> 00:10:38.480 get to that conversation. 230 00:10:38.720 --> 00:10:42.200 So yes, and no matter what who you're talking to, 231 00:10:43.360 --> 00:10:47.039 especially though your spouse or your kids, when we are 232 00:10:47.399 --> 00:10:51.759 in a conversation and we're our objective of it is 233 00:10:51.840 --> 00:10:54.399 for one person to be right and the other person 234 00:10:54.440 --> 00:10:58.919 to be wrong, you both lose. Everybody loses. We either 235 00:10:59.039 --> 00:11:01.240 both have to be right or we both have to 236 00:11:01.240 --> 00:11:04.000 be wrong, or we just take all of that language 237 00:11:04.039 --> 00:11:09.159 out of it. It's either miscommunications, misunderstandings, and we want 238 00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:13.480 to interject curiosity. So I also think it's a good 239 00:11:13.679 --> 00:11:16.720 skill and very hard. But when you are feeling defensive 240 00:11:16.879 --> 00:11:21.039 or on the attack, to just ask more questions, more 241 00:11:21.080 --> 00:11:25.159 follow up questions, rather than defend yourself and say like, 242 00:11:25.799 --> 00:11:29.279 well I didn't do that or or you do this, 243 00:11:29.960 --> 00:11:32.720 you know, coming back at the person with all of 244 00:11:32.759 --> 00:11:35.799 the things that you're frustrated with back, well, there's your 245 00:11:35.840 --> 00:11:36.759 curiosity again. 246 00:11:37.159 --> 00:11:39.600 Most of our first inclination will be to be defensive, 247 00:11:39.879 --> 00:11:41.639 because none of us wants to make someone around us 248 00:11:41.720 --> 00:11:45.360 unhappy or be the cause of something. So being curious 249 00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:48.279 and asking those questions and sitting in that space without 250 00:11:48.360 --> 00:11:50.279 allowing that huge emotional piece. 251 00:11:51.159 --> 00:11:51.960 Isn't there a saying? 252 00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:54.399 It uses the word angry, But you can't be angry 253 00:11:54.440 --> 00:11:56.559 if you don't have to be right. And so if 254 00:11:56.559 --> 00:11:59.200 you're willing to allow there to be two truths that 255 00:11:59.600 --> 00:12:02.240 I meet admonished it, it mainately gets rid of or 256 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:05.960 abolishes sort of that frustrated, angry, resentful feeling because you 257 00:12:06.200 --> 00:12:08.120 don't have to be right. You're not looking for right, 258 00:12:08.159 --> 00:12:10.440 You're just looking for two versions of a truth. They're 259 00:12:10.440 --> 00:12:12.559 not trying to be an asset right. They simply believe 260 00:12:12.639 --> 00:12:13.559 they are correct. 261

00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:13.759 And so do you. 262 00:12:14.480 --> 00:12:18.559 Yeah, and I really correct people's language a lot when 263 00:12:18.559 --> 00:12:21.759 they're talking about like proving that they are right or 264 00:12:21.799 --> 00:12:25.440 who was wrong in a situation. I'm like, it's never 265 00:12:25.639 --> 00:12:29.320 about that, it's just having the other person feeling heard 266 00:12:29.559 --> 00:12:33.000 is the number one goal of any communication, even if 267 00:12:33.039 --> 00:12:37.480 you are not going to give them what they're asking for, 268 00:12:37.960 --> 00:12:40.200 if you can't do it, don't want to do it that, 269 00:12:40.639 --> 00:12:43.840 or you don't have the capacity, you're overwhelmed and can't 270 00:12:43.840 --> 00:12:46.720 be adding more things or whatever. It is them feeling 271 00:12:46.799 --> 00:12:50.279 heard that they are overwhelmed and that they are struggling 272 00:12:50.639 --> 00:12:53.039 is the most important part. If you both leave a 273 00:12:53.080 --> 00:12:58.120 conversation feeling like the other person is at least trying 274 00:12:58.240 --> 00:13:02.559 very hard to understand you or understands you, even if 275 00:13:02.600 --> 00:13:06.120 they don't agree with you, it's you both win. 276 00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:07.159 It's everything. 277 00:13:08.080 --> 00:13:09.799 Yes, you don't have to agree in order to hear 278 00:13:09.840 --> 00:13:12.279 each other. You can simply understand where you're coming from. 279 00:13:12.799 --> 00:13:14.960 I love that approach because instead of going into something 280 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:16.919 like you are gonna do it my way, you're gonna 281 00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:20.000 hear my way. It's not about that, it's about just 282 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:22.559 just listening to one another, active listening. So that kind 283 00:13:22.600 --> 00:13:24.279 of brings me to that that's a skill we talk 284 00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:27.639 about in therapy all the time and it's listening without 285 00:13:28.279 --> 00:13:32.639 preparing your next statement, without analyzing what you're hearing, without 286 00:13:32.720 --> 00:13:36.120 being distracted. It's actually listening, and it's a very hard 287 00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:37.679 skill to really hear what someone's saying. 288 00:13:38.440 --> 00:13:40.919 Yeah, and even slowing it down, like you don't have 289 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:43.639 to have a response or a rebuttal right away. You 290 00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:46.440 can just be quiet, and you can even just say 291 00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:47.200 tell me more. 292 00:13:47.399 --> 00:13:49.120 Yeah, we don't have to fill the room. 293 00:13:49.320 --> 00:13:51.279 We can just let that be there for a minute, 294 00:13:51.320 --> 00:13:53.120 because I think, for I know, I'm one of those 295 00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:55.840 I just want to the process and words are coming 296 00:13:55.840 --> 00:13:59.320 out and they're not even connected to anything a lot 297 00:13:59.320 --> 00:14:00.879 of times or helpful. 298 00:14:00.879 --> 00:14:02.639 I'm just talking to talk well. 299 00:14:02.679 --> 00:14:09.000 Also in traditional heterosexual intimate relationships, we also have to 300 00:14:09.039 --> 00:14:14.399 acknowledge the difference in our capacity and skill level for communication. 301 00:14:15.240 --> 00:14:19.000 So around the age of eight, in our culture and society, 302 00:14:19.080 --> 00:14:24.080 we stop hugging kissing boys. We tell them suck it up, 303 00:14:24.120 --> 00:14:27.000 don't cry to your mom, be a man, and we 304 00:14:27.639 --> 00:14:31.519 allow them to They can express anger as long as 305 00:14:31.559 --> 00:14:37.519 it's within normal limits and not explosive and joy but 306 00:14:37.679 --> 00:14:41.679 not too much. Otherwise they'll get socially by their peers, 307 00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:49.039 and otherwise they aren't given the emotional vocabulary. So Johnny 308 00:14:49.080 --> 00:14:53.000 who's eight and comes home from school and is talking 309 00:14:53.039 --> 00:14:54.960 to his mom and saying, the boys at school won't 310 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:57.879 let me play football at recess with them, and mom 311 00:14:58.080 --> 00:15:01.679 will say, well, you can either go find something else 312 00:15:01.679 --> 00:15:04.120 to do, someone else to play with, or you tell 313 00:15:04.159 --> 00:15:08.399 them listen I'm playing or else and confront it and 314 00:15:09.080 --> 00:15:14.440 be willing to get physical to make what your desire happen. 315 00:15:15.279 --> 00:15:18.799 Little girls come home eight years old and say, Susie says, 316 00:15:18.840 --> 00:15:22.559 I'm not allowed to play with them, and mom will say, well, 317 00:15:23.080 --> 00:15:26.639 go back to school, pull Susie aside, tell her that 318 00:15:26.679 --> 00:15:30.440 hurts your feelings and that everybody should be able to play, 319 00:15:30.559 --> 00:15:33.639 and was there something I did that might make you 320 00:15:33.799 --> 00:15:34.840 upset with me and not. 321 00:15:34.759 --> 00:15:35.600 Want me to play? 322 00:15:35.840 --> 00:15:39.879 And we give her all of these words to connect 323 00:15:39.919 --> 00:15:42.960 with Susie and try to communicate the feelings. And then 324 00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:47.240 throughout growing up, girls will even create drama just to 325 00:15:47.480 --> 00:15:50.879 work through it and talk it out and use those skills. 326 00:15:51.279 --> 00:15:55.320 And boys are either We're either gonna be confrontational and 327 00:15:55.360 --> 00:15:58.080 fight it out, or I'm gonna walk away and go 328 00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:00.120 do something else and ignore it. 329 00:16:00.159 --> 00:16:03.159 So we're coming from two polar opposite ways. There are 330 00:16:03.720 --> 00:16:06.320 layers of both of those that can work. But we're 331 00:16:06.320 --> 00:16:09.200 coming into this story with our loved one, if

we're 332 00:16:09.240 --> 00:16:12.200 opposite gender or raised in that kind of setting, totally 333 00:16:12.320 --> 00:16:13.919 unprepared to have a conversation. 334 00:16:14.720 --> 00:16:16.360 Yes. And then we grow up. 335 00:16:16.279 --> 00:16:18.080 And then we marry these men and we say, why 336 00:16:18.080 --> 00:16:19.320 can't you talk about your feelings? 337 00:16:19.399 --> 00:16:21.080 Why can't you do what I need you to do? 338 00:16:21.679 --> 00:16:24.679 Yes, And we have been doing it, and so we 339 00:16:24.720 --> 00:16:29.120 are faster processing faster verbally, we can run circles around them, 340 00:16:29.159 --> 00:16:32.720 typically in an argument or in a conversation, and they 341 00:16:32.759 --> 00:16:35.960 are still processing. I'd like to use the example that 342 00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:40.039 this is like when my accountant comes and he sits 343 00:16:40.039 --> 00:16:42.000 down and starts talking to me about the numbers and 344 00:16:42.039 --> 00:16:44.360 the things, and I'm like, I am like a third 345 00:16:44.360 --> 00:16:46.519 grader when it comes to that. I need you to 346 00:16:46.679 --> 00:16:48.919 talk down right, Like slow down? 347 00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:50.200 What are you saying? 348 00:16:50.639 --> 00:16:56.240 Often, our men need more time to process because we've 349 00:16:56.279 --> 00:16:58.639 been practicing this and getting better and better and better 350 00:16:58.639 --> 00:17:02.360 at this skill, Like my accountant has been with math, 351 00:17:03.000 --> 00:17:07.079 and I've been avoiding it and not stretching that muscle 352 00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:08.359 or working on that skill. 353 00:17:08.559 --> 00:17:12.119 So that is such a good point, because I know 354 00:17:12.119 --> 00:17:14.079 we live in a world where non binary. Let's not 355 00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:17.559 talk gender, but there are gender realities, whether you want 356 00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:18.599 to live in those or. 357 00:17:18.640 --> 00:17:20.039 Not, but they're still there. 358 00:17:20.480 --> 00:17:23.559 There are differences, and those differences are evolutionary to some 359 00:17:23.640 --> 00:17:26.400 extent and then culturally historically, and as you just said, 360 00:17:26.720 --> 00:17:30.319 how we're brought up and there's a big difference there is. 361 00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:33.119 Boys and girls are allowed to be different. We are 362 00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:34.880 allowed to be different. It's hard to live in the 363 00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:36.000 space when we're so different. 364 00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:36.519 Sometimes. 365 00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:40.960 Yeah, and when I when I get heated and emotional, 366 00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:45.359 I could be like bloo. And if you don't have 367 00:17:45.400 --> 00:17:48.119 that same level of skill, I am sure it can 368 00:17:48.200 --> 00:17:51.640 be overwhelming and could make somebody shut down and just 369 00:17:51.680 --> 00:17:53.039 be

like this is too much. 370 00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:57.359 Even with any situation, we don't know each other's thresholds 371 00:17:57.400 --> 00:18:00.359 for information. You and I were talking about that week 372 00:18:00.599 --> 00:18:03.200 and I'm going off like I'm talking about all these 373 00:18:03.200 --> 00:18:05.279 things about editing, and you just were like, we should 374 00:18:05.279 --> 00:18:08.480 probably start with one because I was, you know, I wasn't. 375 00:18:08.279 --> 00:18:10.799 Reading the room and it was overwhelming, and so we 376 00:18:10.839 --> 00:18:12.359 have to see where other people are at. 377 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:16.519 Just because they aren't they need it slowed down is 378 00:18:16.599 --> 00:18:20.440 not does not mean that they aren't interested. In hearing 379 00:18:20.480 --> 00:18:23.599 you or resolving it or tried to meet your needs. 380 00:18:23.720 --> 00:18:25.599 It's just a lot. 381 00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:28.799 So yeah, yeah, and we all process differently, and that's 382 00:18:28.839 --> 00:18:30.720 not even a gender thing. Everyone has a different way 383 00:18:30.720 --> 00:18:31.279 they process. 384 00:18:31.599 --> 00:18:32.480 Some people need to go. 385 00:18:32.519 --> 00:18:34.359 I know sometimes if I get a lot of information, 386 00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:37.119 I need to go be quiet in a quiet space 387 00:18:37.480 --> 00:18:39.640 to absorb the moment, and then I can come back 388 00:18:39.640 --> 00:18:42.319 with enlightenment are insight but not usually in the moment, I'm. 389 00:18:42.240 --> 00:18:44.599 Too hyper stimulated. Yeah, and I say these. 390 00:18:44.480 --> 00:18:47.559 Things about girls and boys in the gender part, but 391 00:18:47.599 --> 00:18:51.720 I have definitely seen in relationships it be the reverse 392 00:18:51.920 --> 00:18:56.000 that the men have a much more depth, much more 393 00:18:56.039 --> 00:19:00.599 depth of their language and emotional intelligence and ability to 394 00:19:00.640 --> 00:19:04.440 do that and their significant other whose female is lacking. 395 00:19:04.519 --> 00:19:08.640 And it's just knowing what that is, and how do 396 00:19:08.680 --> 00:19:09.759 we meet people where they're at. 397 00:19:10.039 --> 00:19:12.519 Maybe we should do an episode later on love language 398 00:19:12.559 --> 00:19:15.079 is as simple as that is. And I used to 399 00:19:15.359 --> 00:19:17.079 show that book and be like, God, I don't know, 400 00:19:17.160 --> 00:19:18.440 and then when I looked at it, I said, Ooh, 401 00:19:18.480 --> 00:19:20.720 that really is helpful. So maybe we'll tag one and 402 00:19:20.720 --> 00:19:24.279 we'll talk about how we can apply that to all relationships, 403 00:19:24.319 --> 00:19:28.799 not just intimate. Maybe a quick comment on nonverbal communication. 404 00:19:28.920 --> 00:19:31.519 I think we covered some good stuff there. Don't quote me, 405 00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:34.680 but I think it's eighty percent of communication is nonverbal 406 00:19:35.200 --> 00:19:38.359 and twenty percent is what you're actually saying. And if 407 00:19:38.400 --> 00:19:40.279 you look at dogs, we're a lot like that. You know, 408 00:19:40.319 --> 00:19:42.079 the dog listened to the tone of your voice. It 409 00:19:42.079 --> 00:19:44.799 doesn't care what you're saying. People are like that too. 410 00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:47.680 So what we do with our body, our faces, our proximity, 411 00:19:47.759 --> 00:19:53.359 our tone, our volume, wow, much more important almost than 412 00:19:53.400 --> 00:19:54.000 what we're saying. 413 00:19:54.079 --> 00:19:56.640 So that's an important to be aware of. 414 00:19:56.960 --> 00:20:00.400 Absolutely, And I will have men will say that their 415 00:20:00.440 --> 00:20:03.759 significant other will often say, like you're yelling. You come 416 00:20:03.799 --> 00:20:06.039 at and you're yelling, and they're like, I'm not yelling, 417 00:20:06.359 --> 00:20:09.519 and I'm like, you have to be aware of your 418 00:20:09.759 --> 00:20:15.359 tone and the way that you are presenting it. If 419 00:20:15.599 --> 00:20:19.079 it feels like yelling, like she's not just saying that 420 00:20:19.440 --> 00:20:22.319 while you feel like you're not yelling, she's giving you 421 00:20:22.359 --> 00:20:25.079 feedback to say it feels like yelling to her, and 422 00:20:25.160 --> 00:20:28.400 you just need to come in softer, like consciously, try 423 00:20:28.480 --> 00:20:32.359 to soften even if it feels like you're overcompensating, and 424 00:20:32.440 --> 00:20:34.400 it's better, it's better to go that way and to 425 00:20:34.720 --> 00:20:38.319 acknowledge that says to her that you hear her and 426 00:20:38.359 --> 00:20:41.440 that you're going to try to do better and make 427 00:20:41.440 --> 00:20:42.480 a correction. 428 00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:43.240 Which is a good thing. 429 00:20:43.480 --> 00:20:45.880 A lot of times when I do an intervention between 430 00:20:46.519 --> 00:20:49.720 teenagers and parents, and I catch all their non verbals, 431 00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:53.000 and usually the younger person's my client, the teenager, and 432 00:20:53.200 --> 00:20:55.920 we'll be doing a little facilitation and I'll look at 433 00:20:55.960 --> 00:20:57.039 the client and be like, did you know you just 434 00:20:57.119 --> 00:20:59.960 rolled your eyes? And they'll be like no, did I Like, yeah, 435 00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:01.599 how did you realize that? And the parents like Hugh, 436 00:21:01.920 --> 00:21:05.240 because they're reading this eye roll. This person isn't the 437 00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:06.960 young person that's trying to do the eye roll. It's 438 00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:09.880 just built into their habit, and they're triggering the parents, 439 00:21:09.880 --> 00:21:12.119 and the parents made at them and they don't know why, 440 00:21:12.319 --> 00:21:14.079 and they didn't even realize they did a

quick eye roll. 441 00:21:14.759 --> 00:21:17.680 So we don't realize our nonverbals usually until we stop 442 00:21:17.960 --> 00:21:20.599 and have someone tell us, or we really are mindful 443 00:21:20.640 --> 00:21:23.559 of what we do, m absolutely, and it's really hard 444 00:21:23.559 --> 00:21:26.559 to pay attention to those things and to even notice 445 00:21:26.559 --> 00:21:27.960 when when you're doing it. 446 00:21:28.119 --> 00:21:31.039 Also a huge thing that I hear a lot is 447 00:21:31.240 --> 00:21:36.079 about the significant other grabbing their phone and still either 448 00:21:36.160 --> 00:21:38.480 being on the phone and keeping playing a game that 449 00:21:38.519 --> 00:21:42.960 they're doing, or scrolling or even One thing that I've 450 00:21:43.000 --> 00:21:45.400 really noticed is that when I've been in sessions with 451 00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:47.359 people and we're talking about something and I want to 452 00:21:47.359 --> 00:21:50.160 look something up related to what we're talking about, if 453 00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:53.440 I pick up my phone, I can sense and feel 454 00:21:53.440 --> 00:21:56.039 a shift in the room even though I'm not like 455 00:21:56.119 --> 00:21:59.559 looking at my text messages or doing anything else. I'm 456 00:21:59.720 --> 00:22:02.279 I'm looking for something that we are talking about. 457 00:22:03.400 --> 00:22:04.599 It creates a disconnection. 458 00:22:04.960 --> 00:22:07.359 So we got to really pay attention that even though 459 00:22:07.359 --> 00:22:12.000 your intention is to find something related to the conversation, 460 00:22:12.160 --> 00:22:15.119 that still creates this disconnection. And that doesn't mean you 461 00:22:15.119 --> 00:22:18.440 can't ever do it. It just may mean that let's 462 00:22:18.440 --> 00:22:21.319 call it out when it happens. Like so, what I 463 00:22:21.359 --> 00:22:24.079 have started doing in my sessions is to say, I'm 464 00:22:24.119 --> 00:22:26.799 gonna grab my phone to look this up, you know, 465 00:22:26.920 --> 00:22:30.240 but I'm still I'm just looking up what we're talking 466 00:22:30.279 --> 00:22:32.640 about or what the answer to the question is that 467 00:22:32.680 --> 00:22:33.759 we're trying to figure out. 468 00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:37.880 I'm not leaving this conversation because sometimes I forget, I'm 469 00:22:37.920 --> 00:22:39.839 like oh, and I'll start looking up. But I try 470 00:22:39.880 --> 00:22:41.240 to remember to say, oh, I want to lookup where 471 00:22:41.240 --> 00:22:43.960 you're going so we can discuss the details. 472 00:22:44.119 --> 00:22:47.319 That's a great suggestion. Really, yeah, even. 473 00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:49.200 As you just did it there and held it up, 474 00:22:49.519 --> 00:22:55.240 there is a sense of this like of you who 475 00:22:55.559 --> 00:22:56.039 you're right. 476 00:22:56.160 --> 00:22:58.279 It really does make us all feel like we've been 477 00:22:58.319 --> 00:22:59.480 put to the side. 478 00:22:59.559 --> 00:23:03.559 And that something else is more important. Even looking at 479 00:23:03.559 --> 00:23:07.599 your watch like the Apple watches, everybody who I owe 480 00:23:07.599 --> 00:23:09.640 my clients when I see for the most part, know 481 00:23:09.680 --> 00:23:12.920 my beef with the Apple Watches, but because it creates 482 00:23:13.000 --> 00:23:17.119 such disconnection and there's so much non nonverbals that happen 483 00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:21.000 with it that aren't intentional. But the phone, the watch 484 00:23:21.119 --> 00:23:24.440 is trying to grab your attention and it's working. So 485 00:23:24.559 --> 00:23:26.960 people will be in session with me scrolling through their 486 00:23:27.039 --> 00:23:29.640 text messages that just came in, and I get it. 487 00:23:29.640 --> 00:23:32.720 It's just when you're doing that, then with your loved 488 00:23:32.720 --> 00:23:36.839 ones and all that, it definitely feels like anything is 489 00:23:36.880 --> 00:23:40.799 more important than what we're doing right now. 490 00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:43.920 There's my distraction, the dog, and I want him to 491 00:23:43.960 --> 00:23:46.519 come into therapy, but not until he won't be distracting 492 00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:49.920 because he will pull attention. So I love the phone one. 493 00:23:50.119 --> 00:23:52.680 It seems so innocuous, but it's not. And that's just 494 00:23:52.720 --> 00:23:56.519 a little side note about attention, right. It's all these 495 00:23:56.559 --> 00:23:59.440 beets and buzzers and tickers, and they take a lot, 496 00:23:59.480 --> 00:24:01.480 they take a lot of our attention away and we're 497 00:24:01.519 --> 00:24:02.920 not a whole person when that happens. 498 00:24:02.960 --> 00:24:05.480 So trying to have a conversation when the football game's 499 00:24:05.519 --> 00:24:07.720 on and it's like, oh, I'll just mute it, but 500 00:24:07.759 --> 00:24:09.559 I'm going to keep my eyes looking up at the 501 00:24:09.559 --> 00:24:14.839 score the play. Yes, yeah, and maybe for the conversation 502 00:24:14.920 --> 00:24:18.440 that you're having. It's not that serious and everybody's fine 503 00:24:18.480 --> 00:24:21.400 with it being a little lighter, but we need to 504 00:24:21.440 --> 00:24:23.440 be conscious of that and check that out with the 505 00:24:23.480 --> 00:24:27.440 other person before. Yeah, it can, and if it would 506 00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:29.880 be better for undivided attention, then can we wait till 507 00:24:29.880 --> 00:24:31.160 the game's over, halftime whatever? 508 00:24:31.279 --> 00:24:32.480 Yeah? And for me, I can't. 509 00:24:32.519 --> 00:24:34.519 I don't like the background sound. So like if my 510 00:24:34.599 --> 00:24:36.640 husband are just chatting, even just casually, I'm like, can 511 00:24:36.640 --> 00:24:38.359 we try to sound now because I'm going to hear 512 00:24:38.920 --> 00:24:39.519 the background.

513 00:24:39.559 --> 00:24:41.799 I'm not going to hear him. So it's just telling 514 00:24:41.799 --> 00:24:43.960 each other what we need too and explaining. 515 00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:45.519 In my case, it's not that I don't feel like 516 00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:48.279 you're paying attention to me, I can't hear you, So. 517 00:24:48.119 --> 00:24:50.559 It's back to communicating. To communicate. 518 00:24:50.960 --> 00:24:54.960 Your hack that I suggest for people if it's your 519 00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.759 intimate partner that you're communicating with and having a harder conversation, 520 00:25:00.519 --> 00:25:04.839 any conversation really, but if you can can and really 521 00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:07.079 think about it and be intentional about this, is to 522 00:25:07.119 --> 00:25:11.400 be physically touching, like a hand on the leg, holding 523 00:25:11.440 --> 00:25:15.200 each other's hands while you're having the difficult conversation. 524 00:25:15.880 --> 00:25:16.279 We are. 525 00:25:17.319 --> 00:25:21.359 Energy is passed back and forth. When you are physically 526 00:25:21.359 --> 00:25:24.440 connected to the other person, you both will just talk 527 00:25:24.640 --> 00:25:30.160 a little sweeter, a little softer, a little more gently, 528 00:25:30.640 --> 00:25:34.599 and that will help you to stay connected during the 529 00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:38.000 conversation rather than verse each other. And there if you 530 00:25:38.039 --> 00:25:42.319 feel defensive, your immediate reaction will be to pull away. 531 00:25:42.880 --> 00:25:46.839 And that is good information. That just means, okay, we 532 00:25:46.880 --> 00:25:50.759 got defensiveness here, and how do we work through that, 533 00:25:50.960 --> 00:25:55.599 around it, bring it down, or pause the conversation. 534 00:25:55.599 --> 00:25:59.559 And come back to it. So that proximity very important. 535 00:26:00.200 --> 00:26:03.000 Yeah, that physical connection is like that says I love 536 00:26:03.039 --> 00:26:08.200 you and this is what I'm bringing to you, not butt. 537 00:26:08.400 --> 00:26:10.640 The butt negates the whole first part of the word, 538 00:26:11.000 --> 00:26:13.079 the whole first part of the sentence. It's like I 539 00:26:13.359 --> 00:26:15.920 when I say I love you, but you drive me crazy, 540 00:26:16.039 --> 00:26:19.240 that feels different than I love you and you drive 541 00:26:19.319 --> 00:26:22.160 me crazy, like both ooh. 542 00:26:22.119 --> 00:26:23.480 The butt versus the and. 543 00:26:25.039 --> 00:26:27.480 Yes, because that's such a good point because but has 544 00:26:27.519 --> 00:26:30.039 it but tells us the other thing doesn't really stand 545 00:26:30.079 --> 00:26:31.720 alone and just says they both happen. 546 00:26:32.160 --> 00:26:34.039 I love you and sometimes you make me crazy. We 547 00:26:34.039 --> 00:26:36.480 can say your kids a lot too, right. 548 00:26:36.599 --> 00:26:39.599 That is the yeah example

I typically use. It feels 549 00:26:39.599 --> 00:26:41.519 different for kids when you say it like that. It's 550 00:26:41.559 --> 00:26:43.359 the same thing with I'm sorries and when you say 551 00:26:43.400 --> 00:26:46.599 I'm sorry, but I was busy, i was running late, 552 00:26:46.640 --> 00:26:48.960 i was tired. It is all excuses and I'm not 553 00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:51.400 really that sorry. I'm about to tell you why you 554 00:26:51.480 --> 00:26:56.039 should be fine with whatever happened versus I'm sorry, and 555 00:26:56.759 --> 00:26:58.519 these other things were going on, and I knew you 556 00:26:58.640 --> 00:26:59.279 do better. 557 00:26:59.319 --> 00:27:03.000 So be careful with the butts. Careful because they do. 558 00:27:03.400 --> 00:27:06.079 And now that's an example of the word having some power. 559 00:27:07.200 --> 00:27:08.680 You know, it does have a little power in it. 560 00:27:08.720 --> 00:27:11.240 So words do matter, and the word choice matters. But 561 00:27:11.319 --> 00:27:14.680 those nonverbals put together with that, Wow, I thought we 562 00:27:14.680 --> 00:27:16.119 were just going to have a couple of comments and 563 00:27:16.119 --> 00:27:18.680 we covered a lot. Yes, I got one more too, 564 00:27:18.680 --> 00:27:20.559 I got one more little nugget a week that time. 565 00:27:22.119 --> 00:27:25.000 Also every time that I go to a wedding, and 566 00:27:25.359 --> 00:27:28.559 usually like the bride and groom will have the thing 567 00:27:28.720 --> 00:27:31.880 they want everybody to sign and the advice for the 568 00:27:31.880 --> 00:27:35.480 new couple. And I want to bring my own sharpie 569 00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:38.119 always because people will put never go to bed angry, 570 00:27:39.000 --> 00:27:40.400 and I want to scratch. 571 00:27:40.039 --> 00:27:43.640 That off because that is the worst advice ever, so mean, 572 00:27:43.680 --> 00:27:46.079 because what if you can't, then you're like I suck 573 00:27:46.200 --> 00:27:50.799 and I'm a horrible mate. Well, and also that like 574 00:27:51.400 --> 00:27:53.680 duking it out and arguing it out to the wee 575 00:27:53.720 --> 00:27:57.039 hours of the morning, go to sleep, everything looks a 576 00:27:57.079 --> 00:27:59.200 little bit better and different in the light of day. 577 00:28:00.119 --> 00:28:03.200 And I think the purpose of that saying is like 578 00:28:03.279 --> 00:28:05.680 not to just stuff things down and not address them, 579 00:28:06.640 --> 00:28:10.039 but pausing and saying like, let's come back to this 580 00:28:10.079 --> 00:28:13.400 tomorrow again, the same twenty four hour and forty eight 581 00:28:13.440 --> 00:28:17.599 hours at most, it's just you know, the logistics of life, 582 00:28:17.640 --> 00:28:21.000 but to come back to the thing. And as things 583 00:28:21.039 --> 00:28:24.559 get ticked up and everybody is getting yelling or emotional 584 00:28:24.640 --> 00:28:28.680 and not hearing the other. Then that's the time to pause. 585 00:28:28.839 --> 00:28:32.920 And everybody's responsible for going away and regulating their own 586 00:28:32.960 --> 00:28:36.799 feelings and emotions and nervous systems and being coming back 587 00:28:36.839 --> 00:28:41.200 to the table with a calm nervous system to continue 588 00:28:41.240 --> 00:28:41.839 the conversation. 589 00:28:42.319 --> 00:28:43.160 If we're if. 590 00:28:43.119 --> 00:28:46.039 Either one of us is disregulated and we are yelling 591 00:28:47.000 --> 00:28:50.440 or talking over each other, no more productivity for that day, 592 00:28:50.960 --> 00:28:55.240 or at least until there's been a decent break. Even 593 00:28:55.240 --> 00:28:56.839 twenty minutes sometimes can be helpful. 594 00:28:56.880 --> 00:29:00.160 But take a walk away or the one person is 595 00:29:00.160 --> 00:29:01.880 going to wheedle away at the other person to the 596 00:29:01.880 --> 00:29:03.880 point where, because I'll have clients with tell me I 597 00:29:03.880 --> 00:29:07.200 won't stop until we get there. And that's not everyone's 598 00:29:07.319 --> 00:29:10.119 again the threshold. Not everyone can do that, nor should they. 599 00:29:10.079 --> 00:29:13.000 Yeah, right, and they and they think, well, if unless 600 00:29:13.000 --> 00:29:15.519 we get this resolve, I won't be able to sleep. Well, 601 00:29:15.599 --> 00:29:18.039 then that is your work is to figure out how 602 00:29:18.079 --> 00:29:21.480 do you regulate your nervous system. Yeah, not your partner's problem. 603 00:29:21.519 --> 00:29:23.400 You have to learn how to regulate your nervous system. 604 00:29:23.519 --> 00:29:26.839 And they're sound asleep things. Yes, there's always that wone, 605 00:29:26.960 --> 00:29:29.599 the one one in the couple that can't sleep and 606 00:29:29.640 --> 00:29:31.759 his stewing and the other one who's likely. 607 00:29:32.519 --> 00:29:36.279 But I'm so angry and you're not keeping There's this 608 00:29:36.359 --> 00:29:39.279 great poem by Langston Hughes and says, looks like looks 609 00:29:39.319 --> 00:29:41.559 like what bothers me got no effect on you. So 610 00:29:41.599 --> 00:29:43.119 I'm going to keep on at it till it makes 611 00:29:43.160 --> 00:29:47.079 you crazy too. Oh that's what he's saying. She just 612 00:29:47.160 --> 00:29:49.319 you know, or he keeps going at it till the 613 00:29:49.359 --> 00:29:52.240 other person feels his miserable. Ye. 614 00:29:54.039 --> 00:29:54.400 Wow. 615 00:29:54.720 --> 00:29:58.920 So we've talked about oh my goodness, giving permission, asking questions, 616 00:29:58.920 --> 00:30:02.559 and being curious, being careful with our what's right or wrong, 617 00:30:02.839 --> 00:30:06.559 and allowing their to be blurred lines, using I feel statements, 618 00:30:06.960 --> 00:30:11.200 active listening, learning to pause, watching our use of words 619 00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:14.240 like anger, trying to find more depictions of those words 620 00:30:14.240 --> 00:30:18.720 that are more meaningful, proximity and touch, and then the 621 00:30:18.839 --> 00:30:22.880 overall nonverbal impact of tone, volume, and facial expression. 622 00:30:23.759 --> 00:30:24.160 Wow. 623 00:30:24.400 --> 00:30:26.319 That's like, that's a lot. We just gave people a 624 00:30:26.319 --> 00:30:28.160 lot to think about. But if you take away one 625 00:30:28.279 --> 00:30:30.039 thing and you work on it, that could be a 626 00:30:30.119 --> 00:30:31.319 huge change right there. 627 00:30:32.680 --> 00:30:34.920 And this is something to share with your spouse, Share this, 628 00:30:35.200 --> 00:30:38.359 share this podcast with them and say like, let's use 629 00:30:38.440 --> 00:30:42.240 these tips. These are the times where I, if I'm 630 00:30:42.279 --> 00:30:47.079 seeing somebody individually, I don't then add their significant other 631 00:30:47.160 --> 00:30:51.359 and then do couple's work in that way. What I 632 00:30:51.440 --> 00:30:54.960 will do is invite their significant other or even child 633 00:30:55.119 --> 00:30:58.680 in and we just talk about these general frameworks. I'm 634 00:30:58.680 --> 00:31:02.319 not getting into like the underlying stuff. I'm giving you 635 00:31:02.400 --> 00:31:06.640 both skills, because if I just give one of you skills, 636 00:31:06.880 --> 00:31:10.119 then they're now the enlightened one who's coming to tell 637 00:31:10.160 --> 00:31:13.480 you how you need to change. This is a thing 638 00:31:13.559 --> 00:31:16.839 to share with your significant other and say, maybe we 639 00:31:16.880 --> 00:31:20.440 could try a couple of these things and maybe. 640 00:31:20.160 --> 00:31:22.640 It will help. Yeah, and let us know if it works, 641 00:31:23.039 --> 00:31:24.640 and then which ones are the better ones. 642 00:31:25.119 --> 00:31:27.359 When we get when we get this flowing through social media, 643 00:31:27.400 --> 00:31:29.599 we'll have we'll have options for that. And then in 644 00:31:29.640 --> 00:31:32.279 show notes all list these so that they'll also be 645 00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:34.640 chapters so people can buzz over to the one we 646 00:31:34.680 --> 00:31:36.880 talked about and use it as a practice tool. I 647 00:31:36.880 --> 00:31:39.359 think the job says we're done. 648 00:31:40.440 --> 00:31:42.880 Lord help me. Oh you communicating and what am I 649 00:31:42.880 --> 00:31:45.680 communicating to you? So until next time, maybe we'll do 650 00:31:45.759 --> 00:31:46.519 love languages. 651 00:31:46.799 --> 00:31:47.119 I love you. 652 00:31:47.400 --> 00:31:50.279 Join us for our next episode on first Responder wellness 653 00:31:50.319 --> 00:31:51.200 for the whole person,