Communication: Better Connection...Less Conflict!

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And I want to bring my own sharpie always because
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people will put never go to bed angry, and I
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want to scratch that off because that is the worst
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advice ever, duking it out and arguing it out to
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the wee hours of the morning, go to sleep. Everything
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looks a little bit better and different in the light
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of day. And I think the purpose of that saying
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is like not to just stuff things down and not
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address them, but pausing and saying like, let's come back
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to this tomorrow.
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First responder wellness for the whole person. With your hosts
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Cornancie Priority Recordings, we could jump in and see how
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it goes, and if we mosh it up, then I'll
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just pick pieces out of it. But I think that
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the topic today might be communicating, and everybody needs to
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work on communicating. But because we talk about first responders
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and the specific struggles they have, they probably even more
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specifically should work on communication skills, which is pretty broad.
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I'll just start with my favorite and then we'll and
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then I'll let you chime in and where it where
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my favorite skill maybe affects first responders.
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And that is the typical need statement.
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Some people call it an I feel statement or an
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eye statement. It's similar to that, but the idea is
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starting with the feeling, where so you would say I
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feel I feel frustrated, I feel upset, I feel underheard,
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and then the next statement is because so. And this
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is the hard one because when we say because, we
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don't want to say you. We want to say because
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I had to do the dishes again, or because it
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was so much work watching the kids today, as opposed
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to because you weren't here because you didn't help. So
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the hard part of this to me is being able
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to explain what is happening and not blame the other person.
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And then in the perfect world, you would end this
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particular communications skill with something like, what would really help
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me is to have more time in the you know,
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have more time away from the kitchen.
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So again not saying what would help me is you washing.
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The dishes, It would be it would be more helpful
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for me to have more free time. So the idea
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is to neutralize your story so the other person isn't defensive.
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And I think if the only thing is someone takes
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away from that is just the feel statement. If you
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can at least start with I feel, defenses go down
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and you've talked about how when someone comes home after
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a shift, they're already up here and when you come
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in with you know, you didn't do this, and I
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can't handle it.
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I feel like that.
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Approach is probably going to create the opposite effect, right.
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Yeah, And I would just add to that too that
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the really important piece of this is owning all of
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it for yourself. That the because statement is what it
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triggers in you, which when we think of it this way,
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it is like that is what helps it to not
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have the use statements and to.
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Own all of it.
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And you can't argue with somebody's feelings, reactions or request
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for needs. I mean you can, but it's harder to
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do that. So yes, I mean that's that is the
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framework for the sentence, for the sentence and to kind.
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Of structure it.
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And it will feel awkward and clunky, especially if you're
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not used to this. But even when I am using
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this skill, it still feels awkward and clunky. But I
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I'd rather that than a huge fight or a blow up.
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It's like, let's just kind of make fun of ourselves
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and say this, Yeah, try it.
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I stand in the hallway. If I have to confront
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let's say it's my husband, and I'll sit there and practice,
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and I think I'm good at this, right, Like I feel?
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What do I feel? And I'll slow myself down because
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I want to come in with my emotions first, and
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instead I stop and I lie, Okay, what do I feel?
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What do I want to hear?
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And I would say ninety nine percent of the time
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if I do this at work, if I do this
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with a friend or my husband, it works. The person
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is so much more receptive to hearing you because, like
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you just said, you actually gave them a piece of
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your story and let them see in and open that up. Yes,
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and if you can, I think it also helps to
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if the feeling statement it typically is an anger. The
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root is like anger, and it's a cousin of it,
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which is frustrated, irritated. Even upset typically lends itself to anger,
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and anger is a secondary emotion, so it's even It's
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even more beneficial if we can identify the underlying emotion,
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the vulnerable emotion under anger, because it's more vulnerable and
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people don't really know what to do with our anger.
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We don't know what to do with our anger.
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We need anger. It is a protective shield for those
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more vulnerable, more vulnerable emotions. But if you're especially especially
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with an intimate partner or your children, the closer the
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person is to you, the more important it is to
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really figure out what that underlying emotion is behind the anger.
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So discarded or disrespected or rejected, betrayed, lonely, hurt.
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I feel like anger is is an action. I almost
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don't even think of anger as an emotion because you
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so beautifully said there's a hundred different terms to describe
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what's happening to me. But I'm displaying anger as a
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result of frustration, annoyance, sadness, resentment. I love that, and
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those words are hard, but we're not used to saying
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the words underneath anger, sadness, happy, like we just use
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those big terms that A loans, a journey, m.
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Yeah, but I even think of frustration as a subset
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of anger. You, we're usually frustrated because we don't feel heard,
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or we feel disrespected or taken up for granted or yeah,
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those things.
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So and then someone can know us better.
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When I say, if my word is something like or
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I feel, you know, I feel overwhelmed, that word sounds
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a lot different than I'm angry because there's you know,
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a fork in the sink or shoes in the hallway
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or whatever.
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Yea so much better. So this is hard.
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And I would often too, with what you said, Krinn
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that give yourselves grace if you try this and have
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fun with it.
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I had this one couple I worked with.
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He was not a first responder, but he was learning
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to use emotional language, and so he would He was
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very bad at it, and it became a joke because
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I would do a little bit of time with him
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and his wife together.
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He was the client, but we were working together and
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he would.
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Try and it would be so awkward, and they would
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almost start laughing because they like, you're so bad at it.
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But he was trying, and at the end of the
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day he did get better and he was able to
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use these words a little more authentically. But so give
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yourselves the grace that we're not used to this in
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our culture. We don't explore very much, so it might
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be odd.
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Yeah. And I tell people too, when I work with
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couples that to make fun of me together, as like,
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I have given you this cheesy framework, and it brings
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you together.
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If it's you two making fun of me right, I
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love that.
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I love it.
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Throw you under the bus because yeah, it's a stupid skill.
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She sent me in a do all week. We have
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to practice our skill.
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And how cheesy this is to say, I feel frustrated
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when you.
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And you can make it your own.
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You know the actual Depending on which statement or which
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diagram you use, there's the I feel because, and it
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can be I need or I feel because and I.
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Want or desire. But you can use your own language, right,
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you don't have to.
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Use this heart you know the structure, but the idea
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of it is start with the feeling word and explain
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yourself without pointing a finger at the other person.
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And like anything else, like you kind of have to
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get the fundamentals down before it you will be able
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to make it your own and keep it where it
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allows for non defensiveness. So as you practice it more
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and get that framework down, then you'll be able to
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do it a little bit more seamlessly. And I also
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think whenever possible, if we can ask the person upfront
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if now is a good time to talk and to
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say why, because even if you're like I want to
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talk to you about something, is now a good time?
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It's like done, done, done, And when you give the
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person what you do want to be talking about, they
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can decide more accurately if now is a good time
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to talk about that.
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I love asking for permission, and this is true for
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parents to children a lot ask them permission. Would you
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like me to give you an idea of what has
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helped someone I know about?
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Or was it okay if I ask you about this?
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Asking permission opens that same door like the feeling words,
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and it makes sure the timing is right, and it
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gives the person that you're asking, I guess a little
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bit of ownership with the conversation.
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Yeah, and if it's like right when you've come home
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from a shift and your significant others like just launches
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into that I feel disrespected when you and and you're
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not in any place to be hearing any of that,
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it's not going to go as well. So if we
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can practice saying like, is now a good time, and
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then you can say I'm to sleep for a few
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hours or just decompressed for a minute. The sweet spot
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of this is to not kick the can too far
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down the road. So it's like, if you if now
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is not a good time, when in the next.
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Twenty four hours.
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Can you say how about tonight after dinner, when we
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put the kids to bed, tomorrow morning, after I've had
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a good night's sleep, and book the time of when
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you're going to follow back up with it.
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That's a great one. It's again so simple, isn't it?
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Just ask someone?
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Can we talk about this now our genian little time?
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Or can we talk about this specific thing I we
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need sometime?
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I know I don't do that.
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I go home and I started going my husband's trying
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to watch TV, and I start talking about the schedule
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and the orthodonist and all these things that I don't
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stop and go, wait, is it okay to chat?
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And I you know, we forget.
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To do these, even those of us that are trained
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and practice them so good reminders, and then.
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We're surprised when they're like this, you know, don't have
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an awesome reaction to it. And it's like, well, also,
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you know, we forget that whatever the thing is we're
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bringing up, we've been stewing on it likely and tossing
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it around in our head.
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So when we bring it up.
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And this is why it's important to identify what topic
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it is that you're wanting to talk about because they
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may need a minute to even get up to speed
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or to think about where they are even at with
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that topic. And if they haven't been tossing it around
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or going over it, you are way more ready to.
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Prove your side of the case if you will. Yeah,
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And they might be like, wait, is this an issue?
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Like what are we talking about here? I didn't even
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know and we've been Yeah.
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I love that you said that, because and some people
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just stew more than others and build their own And
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if you're stewing, you're building your own energy and potentially
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more of that resentment or frustration by the time you
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get to that conversation.
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So yes, and no matter what who you're talking to,
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especially though your spouse or your kids, when we are
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in a conversation and we're our objective of it is
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for one person to be right and the other person
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to be wrong, you both lose. Everybody loses. We either
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both have to be right or we both have to
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be wrong, or we just take all of that language
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out of it. It's either miscommunications, misunderstandings, and we want
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to interject curiosity. So I also think it's a good
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skill and very hard. But when you are feeling defensive
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or on the attack, to just ask more questions, more
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follow up questions, rather than defend yourself and say like,
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well I didn't do that or or you do this,
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you know, coming back at the person with all of
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the things that you're frustrated with back, well, there's your
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curiosity again.
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Most of our first inclination will be to be defensive,
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because none of us wants to make someone around us
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unhappy or be the cause of something. So being curious
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and asking those questions and sitting in that space without
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allowing that huge emotional piece.
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Isn't there a saying?
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It uses the word angry, But you can't be angry
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if you don't have to be right. And so if
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you're willing to allow there to be two truths that
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I meet admonished it, it mainately gets rid of or
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abolishes sort of that frustrated, angry, resentful feeling because you
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don't have to be right. You're not looking for right,
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You're just looking for two versions of a truth. They're
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not trying to be an asset right. They simply believe
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they are correct.
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And so do you.
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Yeah, and I really correct people's language a lot when
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they're talking about like proving that they are right or
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who was wrong in a situation. I'm like, it's never
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about that, it's just having the other person feeling heard
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is the number one goal of any communication, even if
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you are not going to give them what they're asking for,
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if you can't do it, don't want to do it that,
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or you don't have the capacity, you're overwhelmed and can't
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be adding more things or whatever. It is them feeling
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heard that they are overwhelmed and that they are struggling
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is the most important part. If you both leave a
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conversation feeling like the other person is at least trying
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very hard to understand you or understands you, even if
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they don't agree with you, it's you both win.
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It's everything.
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Yes, you don't have to agree in order to hear
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each other. You can simply understand where you're coming from.
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I love that approach because instead of going into something
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like you are gonna do it my way, you're gonna
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hear my way. It's not about that, it's about just
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just listening to one another, active listening. So that kind
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of brings me to that that's a skill we talk
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about in therapy all the time and it's listening without
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preparing your next statement, without analyzing what you're hearing, without
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being distracted. It's actually listening, and it's a very hard
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skill to really hear what someone's saying.
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Yeah, and even slowing it down, like you don't have
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to have a response or a rebuttal right away. You
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can just be quiet, and you can even just say
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tell me more.
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Yeah, we don't have to fill the room.
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We can just let that be there for a minute,
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because I think, for I know, I'm one of those
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I just want to the process and words are coming
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out and they're not even connected to anything a lot
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of times or helpful.
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I'm just talking to talk well.
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Also in traditional heterosexual intimate relationships, we also have to
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acknowledge the difference in our capacity and skill level for communication.
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So around the age of eight, in our culture and society,
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we stop hugging kissing boys. We tell them suck it up,
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don't cry to your mom, be a man, and we
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allow them to They can express anger as long as
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it's within normal limits and not explosive and joy but
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not too much. Otherwise they'll get socially by their peers,
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and otherwise they aren't given the emotional vocabulary. So Johnny
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who's eight and comes home from school and is talking
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to his mom and saying, the boys at school won't
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let me play football at recess with them, and mom
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will say, well, you can either go find something else
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to do, someone else to play with, or you tell
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them listen I'm playing or else and confront it and
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be willing to get physical to make what your desire happen.
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Little girls come home eight years old and say, Susie says,
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I'm not allowed to play with them, and mom will say, well,
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go back to school, pull Susie aside, tell her that
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hurts your feelings and that everybody should be able to play,
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and was there something I did that might make you
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upset with me and not.
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Want me to play?
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And we give her all of these words to connect
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with Susie and try to communicate the feelings. And then
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throughout growing up, girls will even create drama just to
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work through it and talk it out and use those skills.
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And boys are either We're either gonna be confrontational and
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fight it out, or I'm gonna walk away and go
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do something else and ignore it.
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So we're coming from two polar opposite ways. There are
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layers of both of those that can work. But we're
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coming into this story with our loved one, if we're
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opposite gender or raised in that kind of setting, totally
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unprepared to have a conversation.
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Yes. And then we grow up.
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And then we marry these men and we say, why
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can't you talk about your feelings?
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Why can't you do what I need you to do?
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Yes, And we have been doing it, and so we
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are faster processing faster verbally, we can run circles around them,
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typically in an argument or in a conversation, and they
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are still processing. I'd like to use the example that
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this is like when my accountant comes and he sits
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down and starts talking to me about the numbers and
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the things, and I'm like, I am like a third
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grader when it comes to that. I need you to
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talk down right, Like slow down?
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What are you saying?
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Often, our men need more time to process because we've
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been practicing this and getting better and better and better
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at this skill, Like my accountant has been with math,
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and I've been avoiding it and not stretching that muscle
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or working on that skill.
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So that is such a good point, because I know
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we live in a world where non binary. Let's not
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talk gender, but there are gender realities, whether you want
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to live in those or.
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Not, but they're still there.
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There are differences, and those differences are evolutionary to some
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extent and then culturally historically, and as you just said,
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how we're brought up and there's a big difference there is.
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Boys and girls are allowed to be different. We are
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allowed to be different. It's hard to live in the
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space when we're so different.
364
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Sometimes.
365
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Yeah, and when I when I get heated and emotional,
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I could be like bloo. And if you don't have
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that same level of skill, I am sure it can
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be overwhelming and could make somebody shut down and just
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be like this is too much.
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Even with any situation, we don't know each other's thresholds
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for information. You and I were talking about that week
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and I'm going off like I'm talking about all these
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things about editing, and you just were like, we should
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probably start with one because I was, you know, I wasn't.
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Reading the room and it was overwhelming, and so we
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have to see where other people are at.
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Just because they aren't they need it slowed down is
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not does not mean that they aren't interested. In hearing
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you or resolving it or tried to meet your needs.
380
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It's just a lot.
381
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So yeah, yeah, and we all process differently, and that's
382
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not even a gender thing. Everyone has a different way
383
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they process.
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Some people need to go.
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I know sometimes if I get a lot of information,
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I need to go be quiet in a quiet space
387
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to absorb the moment, and then I can come back
388
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with enlightenment are insight but not usually in the moment, I'm.
389
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Too hyper stimulated. Yeah, and I say these.
390
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Things about girls and boys in the gender part, but
391
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I have definitely seen in relationships it be the reverse
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that the men have a much more depth, much more
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depth of their language and emotional intelligence and ability to
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do that and their significant other whose female is lacking.
395
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And it's just knowing what that is, and how do
396
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we meet people where they're at.
397
00:19:10.039 --> 00:19:12.519
Maybe we should do an episode later on love language
398
00:19:12.559 --> 00:19:15.079
is as simple as that is. And I used to
399
00:19:15.359 --> 00:19:17.079
show that book and be like, God, I don't know,
400
00:19:17.160 --> 00:19:18.440
and then when I looked at it, I said, Ooh,
401
00:19:18.480 --> 00:19:20.720
that really is helpful. So maybe we'll tag one and
402
00:19:20.720 --> 00:19:24.279
we'll talk about how we can apply that to all relationships,
403
00:19:24.319 --> 00:19:28.799
not just intimate. Maybe a quick comment on nonverbal communication.
404
00:19:28.920 --> 00:19:31.519
I think we covered some good stuff there. Don't quote me,
405
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but I think it's eighty percent of communication is nonverbal
406
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and twenty percent is what you're actually saying. And if
407
00:19:38.400 --> 00:19:40.279
you look at dogs, we're a lot like that. You know,
408
00:19:40.319 --> 00:19:42.079
the dog listened to the tone of your voice. It
409
00:19:42.079 --> 00:19:44.799
doesn't care what you're saying. People are like that too.
410
00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:47.680
So what we do with our body, our faces, our proximity,
411
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our tone, our volume, wow, much more important almost than
412
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what we're saying.
413
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So that's an important to be aware of.
414
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Absolutely, And I will have men will say that their
415
00:20:00.440 --> 00:20:03.759
significant other will often say, like you're yelling. You come
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00:20:03.799 --> 00:20:06.039
at and you're yelling, and they're like, I'm not yelling,
417
00:20:06.359 --> 00:20:09.519
and I'm like, you have to be aware of your
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00:20:09.759 --> 00:20:15.359
tone and the way that you are presenting it. If
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it feels like yelling, like she's not just saying that
420
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while you feel like you're not yelling, she's giving you
421
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feedback to say it feels like yelling to her, and
422
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you just need to come in softer, like consciously, try
423
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to soften even if it feels like you're overcompensating, and
424
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it's better, it's better to go that way and to
425
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acknowledge that says to her that you hear her and
426
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that you're going to try to do better and make
427
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a correction.
428
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Which is a good thing.
429
00:20:43.480 --> 00:20:45.880
A lot of times when I do an intervention between
430
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teenagers and parents, and I catch all their non verbals,
431
00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:53.000
and usually the younger person's my client, the teenager, and
432
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we'll be doing a little facilitation and I'll look at
433
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the client and be like, did you know you just
434
00:20:57.119 --> 00:20:59.960
rolled your eyes? And they'll be like no, did I Like, yeah,
435
00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:01.599
how did you realize that? And the parents like Hugh,
436
00:21:01.920 --> 00:21:05.240
because they're reading this eye roll. This person isn't the
437
00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:06.960
young person that's trying to do the eye roll. It's
438
00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:09.880
just built into their habit, and they're triggering the parents,
439
00:21:09.880 --> 00:21:12.119
and the parents made at them and they don't know why,
440
00:21:12.319 --> 00:21:14.079
and they didn't even realize they did a quick eye roll.
441
00:21:14.759 --> 00:21:17.680
So we don't realize our nonverbals usually until we stop
442
00:21:17.960 --> 00:21:20.599
and have someone tell us, or we really are mindful
443
00:21:20.640 --> 00:21:23.559
of what we do, m absolutely, and it's really hard
444
00:21:23.559 --> 00:21:26.559
to pay attention to those things and to even notice
445
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when when you're doing it.
446
00:21:28.119 --> 00:21:31.039
Also a huge thing that I hear a lot is
447
00:21:31.240 --> 00:21:36.079
about the significant other grabbing their phone and still either
448
00:21:36.160 --> 00:21:38.480
being on the phone and keeping playing a game that
449
00:21:38.519 --> 00:21:42.960
they're doing, or scrolling or even One thing that I've
450
00:21:43.000 --> 00:21:45.400
really noticed is that when I've been in sessions with
451
00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:47.359
people and we're talking about something and I want to
452
00:21:47.359 --> 00:21:50.160
look something up related to what we're talking about, if
453
00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:53.440
I pick up my phone, I can sense and feel
454
00:21:53.440 --> 00:21:56.039
a shift in the room even though I'm not like
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looking at my text messages or doing anything else. I'm
456
00:21:59.720 --> 00:22:02.279
I'm looking for something that we are talking about.
457
00:22:03.400 --> 00:22:04.599
It creates a disconnection.
458
00:22:04.960 --> 00:22:07.359
So we got to really pay attention that even though
459
00:22:07.359 --> 00:22:12.000
your intention is to find something related to the conversation,
460
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that still creates this disconnection. And that doesn't mean you
461
00:22:15.119 --> 00:22:18.440
can't ever do it. It just may mean that let's
462
00:22:18.440 --> 00:22:21.319
call it out when it happens. Like so, what I
463
00:22:21.359 --> 00:22:24.079
have started doing in my sessions is to say, I'm
464
00:22:24.119 --> 00:22:26.799
gonna grab my phone to look this up, you know,
465
00:22:26.920 --> 00:22:30.240
but I'm still I'm just looking up what we're talking
466
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about or what the answer to the question is that
467
00:22:32.680 --> 00:22:33.759
we're trying to figure out.
468
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I'm not leaving this conversation because sometimes I forget, I'm
469
00:22:37.920 --> 00:22:39.839
like oh, and I'll start looking up. But I try
470
00:22:39.880 --> 00:22:41.240
to remember to say, oh, I want to lookup where
471
00:22:41.240 --> 00:22:43.960
you're going so we can discuss the details.
472
00:22:44.119 --> 00:22:47.319
That's a great suggestion. Really, yeah, even.
473
00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:49.200
As you just did it there and held it up,
474
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there is a sense of this like of you who
475
00:22:55.559 --> 00:22:56.039
you're right.
476
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It really does make us all feel like we've been
477
00:22:58.319 --> 00:22:59.480
put to the side.
478
00:22:59.559 --> 00:23:03.559
And that something else is more important. Even looking at
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your watch like the Apple watches, everybody who I owe
480
00:23:07.599 --> 00:23:09.640
my clients when I see for the most part, know
481
00:23:09.680 --> 00:23:12.920
my beef with the Apple Watches, but because it creates
482
00:23:13.000 --> 00:23:17.119
such disconnection and there's so much non nonverbals that happen
483
00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:21.000
with it that aren't intentional. But the phone, the watch
484
00:23:21.119 --> 00:23:24.440
is trying to grab your attention and it's working. So
485
00:23:24.559 --> 00:23:26.960
people will be in session with me scrolling through their
486
00:23:27.039 --> 00:23:29.640
text messages that just came in, and I get it.
487
00:23:29.640 --> 00:23:32.720
It's just when you're doing that, then with your loved
488
00:23:32.720 --> 00:23:36.839
ones and all that, it definitely feels like anything is
489
00:23:36.880 --> 00:23:40.799
more important than what we're doing right now.
490
00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:43.920
There's my distraction, the dog, and I want him to
491
00:23:43.960 --> 00:23:46.519
come into therapy, but not until he won't be distracting
492
00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:49.920
because he will pull attention. So I love the phone one.
493
00:23:50.119 --> 00:23:52.680
It seems so innocuous, but it's not. And that's just
494
00:23:52.720 --> 00:23:56.519
a little side note about attention, right. It's all these
495
00:23:56.559 --> 00:23:59.440
beets and buzzers and tickers, and they take a lot,
496
00:23:59.480 --> 00:24:01.480
they take a lot of our attention away and we're
497
00:24:01.519 --> 00:24:02.920
not a whole person when that happens.
498
00:24:02.960 --> 00:24:05.480
So trying to have a conversation when the football game's
499
00:24:05.519 --> 00:24:07.720
on and it's like, oh, I'll just mute it, but
500
00:24:07.759 --> 00:24:09.559
I'm going to keep my eyes looking up at the
501
00:24:09.559 --> 00:24:14.839
score the play. Yes, yeah, and maybe for the conversation
502
00:24:14.920 --> 00:24:18.440
that you're having. It's not that serious and everybody's fine
503
00:24:18.480 --> 00:24:21.400
with it being a little lighter, but we need to
504
00:24:21.440 --> 00:24:23.440
be conscious of that and check that out with the
505
00:24:23.480 --> 00:24:27.440
other person before. Yeah, it can, and if it would
506
00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:29.880
be better for undivided attention, then can we wait till
507
00:24:29.880 --> 00:24:31.160
the game's over, halftime whatever?
508
00:24:31.279 --> 00:24:32.480
Yeah? And for me, I can't.
509
00:24:32.519 --> 00:24:34.519
I don't like the background sound. So like if my
510
00:24:34.599 --> 00:24:36.640
husband are just chatting, even just casually, I'm like, can
511
00:24:36.640 --> 00:24:38.359
we try to sound now because I'm going to hear
512
00:24:38.920 --> 00:24:39.519
the background.
513
00:24:39.559 --> 00:24:41.799
I'm not going to hear him. So it's just telling
514
00:24:41.799 --> 00:24:43.960
each other what we need too and explaining.
515
00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:45.519
In my case, it's not that I don't feel like
516
00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:48.279
you're paying attention to me, I can't hear you, So.
517
00:24:48.119 --> 00:24:50.559
It's back to communicating. To communicate.
518
00:24:50.960 --> 00:24:54.960
Your hack that I suggest for people if it's your
519
00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.759
intimate partner that you're communicating with and having a harder conversation,
520
00:25:00.519 --> 00:25:04.839
any conversation really, but if you can can and really
521
00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:07.079
think about it and be intentional about this, is to
522
00:25:07.119 --> 00:25:11.400
be physically touching, like a hand on the leg, holding
523
00:25:11.440 --> 00:25:15.200
each other's hands while you're having the difficult conversation.
524
00:25:15.880 --> 00:25:16.279
We are.
525
00:25:17.319 --> 00:25:21.359
Energy is passed back and forth. When you are physically
526
00:25:21.359 --> 00:25:24.440
connected to the other person, you both will just talk
527
00:25:24.640 --> 00:25:30.160
a little sweeter, a little softer, a little more gently,
528
00:25:30.640 --> 00:25:34.599
and that will help you to stay connected during the
529
00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:38.000
conversation rather than verse each other. And there if you
530
00:25:38.039 --> 00:25:42.319
feel defensive, your immediate reaction will be to pull away.
531
00:25:42.880 --> 00:25:46.839
And that is good information. That just means, okay, we
532
00:25:46.880 --> 00:25:50.759
got defensiveness here, and how do we work through that,
533
00:25:50.960 --> 00:25:55.599
around it, bring it down, or pause the conversation.
534
00:25:55.599 --> 00:25:59.559
And come back to it. So that proximity very important.
535
00:26:00.200 --> 00:26:03.000
Yeah, that physical connection is like that says I love
536
00:26:03.039 --> 00:26:08.200
you and this is what I'm bringing to you, not butt.
537
00:26:08.400 --> 00:26:10.640
The butt negates the whole first part of the word,
538
00:26:11.000 --> 00:26:13.079
the whole first part of the sentence. It's like I
539
00:26:13.359 --> 00:26:15.920
when I say I love you, but you drive me crazy,
540
00:26:16.039 --> 00:26:19.240
that feels different than I love you and you drive
541
00:26:19.319 --> 00:26:22.160
me crazy, like both ooh.
542
00:26:22.119 --> 00:26:23.480
The butt versus the and.
543
00:26:25.039 --> 00:26:27.480
Yes, because that's such a good point because but has
544
00:26:27.519 --> 00:26:30.039
it but tells us the other thing doesn't really stand
545
00:26:30.079 --> 00:26:31.720
alone and just says they both happen.
546
00:26:32.160 --> 00:26:34.039
I love you and sometimes you make me crazy. We
547
00:26:34.039 --> 00:26:36.480
can say your kids a lot too, right.
548
00:26:36.599 --> 00:26:39.599
That is the yeah example I typically use. It feels
549
00:26:39.599 --> 00:26:41.519
different for kids when you say it like that. It's
550
00:26:41.559 --> 00:26:43.359
the same thing with I'm sorries and when you say
551
00:26:43.400 --> 00:26:46.599
I'm sorry, but I was busy, i was running late,
552
00:26:46.640 --> 00:26:48.960
i was tired. It is all excuses and I'm not
553
00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:51.400
really that sorry. I'm about to tell you why you
554
00:26:51.480 --> 00:26:56.039
should be fine with whatever happened versus I'm sorry, and
555
00:26:56.759 --> 00:26:58.519
these other things were going on, and I knew you
556
00:26:58.640 --> 00:26:59.279
do better.
557
00:26:59.319 --> 00:27:03.000
So be careful with the butts. Careful because they do.
558
00:27:03.400 --> 00:27:06.079
And now that's an example of the word having some power.
559
00:27:07.200 --> 00:27:08.680
You know, it does have a little power in it.
560
00:27:08.720 --> 00:27:11.240
So words do matter, and the word choice matters. But
561
00:27:11.319 --> 00:27:14.680
those nonverbals put together with that, Wow, I thought we
562
00:27:14.680 --> 00:27:16.119
were just going to have a couple of comments and
563
00:27:16.119 --> 00:27:18.680
we covered a lot. Yes, I got one more too,
564
00:27:18.680 --> 00:27:20.559
I got one more little nugget a week that time.
565
00:27:22.119 --> 00:27:25.000
Also every time that I go to a wedding, and
566
00:27:25.359 --> 00:27:28.559
usually like the bride and groom will have the thing
567
00:27:28.720 --> 00:27:31.880
they want everybody to sign and the advice for the
568
00:27:31.880 --> 00:27:35.480
new couple. And I want to bring my own sharpie
569
00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:38.119
always because people will put never go to bed angry,
570
00:27:39.000 --> 00:27:40.400
and I want to scratch.
571
00:27:40.039 --> 00:27:43.640
That off because that is the worst advice ever, so mean,
572
00:27:43.680 --> 00:27:46.079
because what if you can't, then you're like I suck
573
00:27:46.200 --> 00:27:50.799
and I'm a horrible mate. Well, and also that like
574
00:27:51.400 --> 00:27:53.680
duking it out and arguing it out to the wee
575
00:27:53.720 --> 00:27:57.039
hours of the morning, go to sleep, everything looks a
576
00:27:57.079 --> 00:27:59.200
little bit better and different in the light of day.
577
00:28:00.119 --> 00:28:03.200
And I think the purpose of that saying is like
578
00:28:03.279 --> 00:28:05.680
not to just stuff things down and not address them,
579
00:28:06.640 --> 00:28:10.039
but pausing and saying like, let's come back to this
580
00:28:10.079 --> 00:28:13.400
tomorrow again, the same twenty four hour and forty eight
581
00:28:13.440 --> 00:28:17.599
hours at most, it's just you know, the logistics of life,
582
00:28:17.640 --> 00:28:21.000
but to come back to the thing. And as things
583
00:28:21.039 --> 00:28:24.559
get ticked up and everybody is getting yelling or emotional
584
00:28:24.640 --> 00:28:28.680
and not hearing the other. Then that's the time to pause.
585
00:28:28.839 --> 00:28:32.920
And everybody's responsible for going away and regulating their own
586
00:28:32.960 --> 00:28:36.799
feelings and emotions and nervous systems and being coming back
587
00:28:36.839 --> 00:28:41.200
to the table with a calm nervous system to continue
588
00:28:41.240 --> 00:28:41.839
the conversation.
589
00:28:42.319 --> 00:28:43.160
If we're if.
590
00:28:43.119 --> 00:28:46.039
Either one of us is disregulated and we are yelling
591
00:28:47.000 --> 00:28:50.440
or talking over each other, no more productivity for that day,
592
00:28:50.960 --> 00:28:55.240
or at least until there's been a decent break. Even
593
00:28:55.240 --> 00:28:56.839
twenty minutes sometimes can be helpful.
594
00:28:56.880 --> 00:29:00.160
But take a walk away or the one person is
595
00:29:00.160 --> 00:29:01.880
going to wheedle away at the other person to the
596
00:29:01.880 --> 00:29:03.880
point where, because I'll have clients with tell me I
597
00:29:03.880 --> 00:29:07.200
won't stop until we get there. And that's not everyone's
598
00:29:07.319 --> 00:29:10.119
again the threshold. Not everyone can do that, nor should they.
599
00:29:10.079 --> 00:29:13.000
Yeah, right, and they and they think, well, if unless
600
00:29:13.000 --> 00:29:15.519
we get this resolve, I won't be able to sleep. Well,
601
00:29:15.599 --> 00:29:18.039
then that is your work is to figure out how
602
00:29:18.079 --> 00:29:21.480
do you regulate your nervous system. Yeah, not your partner's problem.
603
00:29:21.519 --> 00:29:23.400
You have to learn how to regulate your nervous system.
604
00:29:23.519 --> 00:29:26.839
And they're sound asleep things. Yes, there's always that wone,
605
00:29:26.960 --> 00:29:29.599
the one one in the couple that can't sleep and
606
00:29:29.640 --> 00:29:31.759
his stewing and the other one who's likely.
607
00:29:32.519 --> 00:29:36.279
But I'm so angry and you're not keeping There's this
608
00:29:36.359 --> 00:29:39.279
great poem by Langston Hughes and says, looks like looks
609
00:29:39.319 --> 00:29:41.559
like what bothers me got no effect on you. So
610
00:29:41.599 --> 00:29:43.119
I'm going to keep on at it till it makes
611
00:29:43.160 --> 00:29:47.079
you crazy too. Oh that's what he's saying. She just
612
00:29:47.160 --> 00:29:49.319
you know, or he keeps going at it till the
613
00:29:49.359 --> 00:29:52.240
other person feels his miserable. Ye.
614
00:29:54.039 --> 00:29:54.400
Wow.
615
00:29:54.720 --> 00:29:58.920
So we've talked about oh my goodness, giving permission, asking questions,
616
00:29:58.920 --> 00:30:02.559
and being curious, being careful with our what's right or wrong,
617
00:30:02.839 --> 00:30:06.559
and allowing their to be blurred lines, using I feel statements,
618
00:30:06.960 --> 00:30:11.200
active listening, learning to pause, watching our use of words
619
00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:14.240
like anger, trying to find more depictions of those words
620
00:30:14.240 --> 00:30:18.720
that are more meaningful, proximity and touch, and then the
621
00:30:18.839 --> 00:30:22.880
overall nonverbal impact of tone, volume, and facial expression.
622
00:30:23.759 --> 00:30:24.160
Wow.
623
00:30:24.400 --> 00:30:26.319
That's like, that's a lot. We just gave people a
624
00:30:26.319 --> 00:30:28.160
lot to think about. But if you take away one
625
00:30:28.279 --> 00:30:30.039
thing and you work on it, that could be a
626
00:30:30.119 --> 00:30:31.319
huge change right there.
627
00:30:32.680 --> 00:30:34.920
And this is something to share with your spouse, Share this,
628
00:30:35.200 --> 00:30:38.359
share this podcast with them and say like, let's use
629
00:30:38.440 --> 00:30:42.240
these tips. These are the times where I, if I'm
630
00:30:42.279 --> 00:30:47.079
seeing somebody individually, I don't then add their significant other
631
00:30:47.160 --> 00:30:51.359
and then do couple's work in that way. What I
632
00:30:51.440 --> 00:30:54.960
will do is invite their significant other or even child
633
00:30:55.119 --> 00:30:58.680
in and we just talk about these general frameworks. I'm
634
00:30:58.680 --> 00:31:02.319
not getting into like the underlying stuff. I'm giving you
635
00:31:02.400 --> 00:31:06.640
both skills, because if I just give one of you skills,
636
00:31:06.880 --> 00:31:10.119
then they're now the enlightened one who's coming to tell
637
00:31:10.160 --> 00:31:13.480
you how you need to change. This is a thing
638
00:31:13.559 --> 00:31:16.839
to share with your significant other and say, maybe we
639
00:31:16.880 --> 00:31:20.440
could try a couple of these things and maybe.
640
00:31:20.160 --> 00:31:22.640
It will help. Yeah, and let us know if it works,
641
00:31:23.039 --> 00:31:24.640
and then which ones are the better ones.
642
00:31:25.119 --> 00:31:27.359
When we get when we get this flowing through social media,
643
00:31:27.400 --> 00:31:29.599
we'll have we'll have options for that. And then in
644
00:31:29.640 --> 00:31:32.279
show notes all list these so that they'll also be
645
00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:34.640
chapters so people can buzz over to the one we
646
00:31:34.680 --> 00:31:36.880
talked about and use it as a practice tool. I
647
00:31:36.880 --> 00:31:39.359
think the job says we're done.
648
00:31:40.440 --> 00:31:42.880
Lord help me. Oh you communicating and what am I
649
00:31:42.880 --> 00:31:45.680
communicating to you? So until next time, maybe we'll do
650
00:31:45.759 --> 00:31:46.519
love languages.
651
00:31:46.799 --> 00:31:47.119
I love you.
652
00:31:47.400 --> 00:31:50.279
Join us for our next episode on first Responder wellness
653
00:31:50.319 --> 00:31:51.200
for the whole person,