"Confronting Shadows: A Personal Narrative of Family and Regret"

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Welcome to Eyewitness to Therapy, the one-of-a-kind podcast that focuses on a real life therapy situation.
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I'm your host, Court Curtis, psychologist and therapist, passionate about bringing you into an immersive experience of self-awareness through therapy.
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In each episode, we dive deep into the struggles our guest faces and guide them on a journey of self-discovery and resolution.
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As your dedicated therapist, my purpose is to create a safe space where you can openly share and address your issues.
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We'll explore the power of the present moment in resolving your concerns, knowing that the past is completely over and the future is never yet.
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The key to healing lies in awareness, in being witness to your consciousness.
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And that's precisely what we'll uncover together in every episode of Eyewitness to Therapy.
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So join us as we navigate the transformative power of therapy and self-awareness.
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Welcome to another episode of Eyewitness to Therapy.
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Every individual that I interview in this podcast has volunteered to participate in a one-time therapy session.
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And so I'm happy to welcome a new guest today.
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This is the first time we have ever met, so I know virtually nothing about this person other than from a very brief questionnaire that they filled out prior to this meeting.
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Every guest's identity is anonymous.
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All therapy is centered around the guest's issues and goals.
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Whatever they bring forth into the session becomes the focus of our conversation.
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And my goal is to be helpful in the best way I can.
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Gestalt therapy is all about living in the moment, and that is exactly where we start each session.
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I ask my guest to take a moment and allow a word or short phrase to bubble up in consciousness that simply names their here and now experience.
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And then I have them expound on that word what that word says of them, about them, or about anything.
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And then I ask that they declare an intention for the session.
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An intention can be anything, such as what they hope to gain from the session or want help with.
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Declaring an intention from the outset helps frame our conversation and also serves to create a purpose and goal for our session.
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And then lastly, we end each session the way we begin.
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With just a word that names their here and now experience as we come to the close of our conversation.
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As well as a few words about how they feel about our session.
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Is there a takeaway?
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An insight or realization that they gained from a meeting together?
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That's the question.
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So come along with us as we step into this journey of exploration.
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Where the conversation goes, nobody knows.
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But that's also the excitement of therapy.
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A step into the unknown of possibilities.
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So without further ado, let's welcome our new guest.
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Welcome to our meeting today.
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Started with one word or series of one words that name something in the various areas of your life.
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As you reflect on yourself, your life, your situation, your relationships, the places where you engage, and so on, speak one word that names something in each of those areas.
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It can be a feeling word or it can be any word whatsoever.
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Go for as many times as you wish, and then stop when you choose, and then we'll go from there.
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Longing.
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Content.
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Sometimes it's like you look at the cup and it's like half full, but the other time it's oh, there's still that empty spot.
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One more invitation here to invite you to look and see what would I like to feel by the end of our meeting today?
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Let's say if I could feel anything.
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Is there anything I'd like to feel?
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If I could feel anything by the end of our meeting?
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Like myself?
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Yeah.
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Like what would I like to feel?
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Gratification of something eye-opening, maybe.
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Oh gratification.
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A fullness.
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Or eye-opening.
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Feel free to expound on any of the words that you've shared so far.
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Or if you're coming in with anything you would like to focus on, we can go in whatever direction you desire our conversation to go.
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Okay.
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So you want me to start the conversation of where we're gonna go?
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So that's the invitation to look reflecting on your life and your situation to see what pops up in your consciousness that's perhaps dominating your consciousness, a feeling of stuckness or a particular emotion or something.
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I'm here to work with you in whatever capacity you desire, and that can be anything during the holidays get this sadness, emptiness, sense of missing, because it's like all these people have their families, and I do not, and I don't like having to explain that to people sometimes.
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I just don't talk.
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Like whenever they bring stuff up.
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Are you excited for Christmas?
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Yeah, I have kids.
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But I'm hearing you say so there's a feeling of sadness or missingness, you're saying in some ways.
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Yeah, because growing up, my great grandma kept everybody together, and we would go over there, and like certain family members still talked, but now it's just my grandpa and my husband's parents are both dead.
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So it's just like my kids just have us and my grandpa, so it's just like lonely.
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Okay.
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So sadness about the way it's not the way it used to be.
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I feel like all these people get together, but I also feel half these people that have these big family gatherings don't even like each other.
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Like I feel like they're faking it.
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Some families, I'm sure they're great, but I feel like a lot of them they don't really get along, but they all get together.
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How do you feel towards certain family members when you reflect back on those in your family?
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My grandpa doesn't talk to his daughter because he adopted me when I was like 15, and my mother has not talked to me since then.
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And we live in the same town.
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Like I see her, but all those years she never once mailed a letter.
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She never sent a Christmas card, no holiday cards, nothing.
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And then, like my dad's side of the family also lives in the same town, but I didn't know for sure if he was my dad until I was like almost 28.
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And then, like, when I got to know his mother and I got close, there's things I learned that I did not like, so I do not talk to that side of the family, and I feel like she enables a lot of his behavior, and I found out things from him about his childhood that I just couldn't talk to her the way I did, because then I seen her differently because I did not like the things I found out.
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When you say her, you mean your mother?
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His mother, like my biological grandmother on that side.
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When I found those things out, I couldn't talk to her anymore.
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Anything particular that you found out that was troubling for you that you'd like to share?
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So when he was younger, their dad, which would be my biological grandfather on that side, which I never met, he's passed away.
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He would lock them in the basement and stuff.
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And he was like three, and they wouldn't have blankets and it'd be like cold wet floors.
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And like his sister was his sister wasn't my bio grandpa's actual daughter.
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He had raped her.
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My grandmother had told her that it was her fault she lost the only man she ever loved and blamed her for that.
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CPS was a thing back then, but it's not like how it is now.
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They told her that they couldn't see their dad, but she would sneak the kids over there to see him.
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His dad put feces in a jar and told her to keep it on her dresser, and then she did.
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My dad's been in and out of jail in Juby since he was 12.
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I'm trying to follow all of those relationships there.
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So the person that you're most connected to right now is your grandfather and your mother's side of the family.
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But as far as your mother and father, there's no connection there.
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I haven't talked to my mother since I was about 15.
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I haven't talked to my dad since my youngest son's third birthday.
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That's the last time I talked to him.
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And that's by your own choosing.
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When I found out who my dad was, for sure, because I knew it could be between him and another person, I had reached out to that person and they told me they weren't my dad.
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My cousin on my dad's side killed herself when she was 21.
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At the funeral, I asked my grandmother on my dad's side to do a DNA test.
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Well, she did, and then I found out that he was my dad because back when I was 18, when I asked him, he flaked and didn't do it.
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So then we had the relationship for a little bit, but it's like he's so emotionally, I feel like he's not fully mentally there.
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Like maybe at some time he quit growing.
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He reminds me of a 12-year-old.
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Like he can't form, like, it's my fault that this happened, it's always somebody else's fault on my birthday.
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He literally ignored me because apparently I hurt his feelings.
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Um he didn't answer certain messages.
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Whenever I tried reaching out and I told his mom that I did not like that and that it hurt my feelings, she was like, I don't know why it hurts your feelings because he ignores me all the time.
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And I'm like, Yeah, but I'm a kid, I'm his kid.
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And then when I asked him to come to my youngest's birthday and he didn't show up, I was just like, you know what?
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I'm just done.
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I don't want my feelings hurt anymore.
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I feel like everybody on that side worships my grandmother, and I don't understand why.
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My cousin and I were arguing.
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I told her, Our grandmother is not as great as they make her sound.
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I named all this stuff.
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Her mother was raped as a kid, and then she blamed her for it.
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She was like, That's the only family I ever had.
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I'm just like, that's not okay.
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What happened is not okay.
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The DNA test she did.
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I had my grandparents on my mom's side, but my grandma wasn't my biological grandmother.
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She was around before I was born.
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So there's a lot.
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Always she was like my mother figure.
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And it's just like I mentioned, even though what happened with my grandparents when they got divorced and all that, it's just like still the only two people that were ever really there for me was those grandparents.
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Yes.
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Before I was born, my mother wanted to get an abortion, but they talked her into keeping me and said that they would help with me.
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So I know you started our meeting with a feeling of sadness and missingness, right?
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Those feelings in relationship to what you're talking about here?
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Some of it.
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I feel like there's just an emptiness and the dissatisfaction with the way life is.
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I feel like I'm never gonna be completely full.
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Before I had kids, when I was a teen, after my grandparents got custody when CPS got involved, I didn't talk about it.
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So I quit talking to her.
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I feel like settled into my life, and I feel like I could have done more with my life than what I did.
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Could have done more than what you've already done.
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Yeah, I just feel like I should be further than what I am.
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And I feel like had I not had all these things happen, and I feel like if I would have got counseling as I can, my grandpa would have made me go places and believed in mental health at that point, I could have been a lot further than I am.
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I feel like I could have been more successful, more successful.
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Okay.
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You have accomplished some things in life, I take it.
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Is that true?
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Yeah, I've done things, but it's just not like the things I wanted to do.
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I used to have feelings of wanting to do things, but now it's just since I'm in my 30s.
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I'm like, I my life's halfway over now.
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Oh so you once had a feeling of wanting to do things, but now you don't seem to have that feeling like you had?
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Yeah, I'm content with the work I do.
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What kind of work do you do?
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I work in environmental services at the hospital, so I sanitize and clean things.
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I'm content with it.
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It's probably not what I would have done when I was younger.
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Probably not the goal I would have picked out.
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What would have been the goal you would have picked out if you could have if I would have just decided not to have kids young?
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I did go to college for a little bit, but it was too hard because I had a one-year-old at the time.
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I just felt I had so many other things going on.
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I just didn't feel like I could do it at that point.
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I didn't like relying on my grandparents to watch him.
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I did stay at home for seven years with the kids while they were younger.
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I just feel like during that time, because I was happy they didn't have to watch my kids, but it was like I was in a standstill, my life went on pause.
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So are you saying that as far as where you are now, do you feel like your life is on pause?
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It definitely was on pause.
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But not back in 2021, I went back in the workforce, but I also had other issues going on.
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Like I was 23, I was diagnosed with stage three prolapse after I had my second kid, but that doctor said that there was no problem.
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I went to a new doctor when I was pregnant with Benjamin, and there was a problem.
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So I had to get like a vaginal reconstruction by the time I was 27.
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So I was pretty young.
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I see.
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And that kind of made me not very confident.
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And then the fact that I already have mental illnesses, I feel like I have mental illnesses, and there's definitely undiagnosed stuff on both sides of the family.
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Okay, and then there is something.
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If I may interrupt you, just didn't fling you here and froze up because I'm I'm hearing you say that I feel like I'm not I haven't gone as far as I wanted to in my life.
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I'm hearing you say there's a lot going on in your life, like this surgery family stuff.
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Are you saying that all of this stuff has prevented you from going further in your life?
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I decided that there would be something that I did want to do.
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I was like, I don't want to waste all this time doing because my life's half over now.
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Okay.
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So you feel like your life is half over now?
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Yeah.
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So you feel like there's no more potential for you?
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I feel like I'm just going with the flow and whatever I do.
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If I find some slight satisfaction in it, then I'm okay with it because no matter if I'm home or if I'm at work, I just have this constant sadness that never goes away.
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I'm really curious about the sadness because I know you started with that.
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And so, well, maybe just try this as a little exercise.
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Just beginning some sentences with the words, I'm sad that.
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Fill in the blank.
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I'm sad that my family is not normal.
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I'm sad that because of my childhood, I feel like it stunted me.
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I'm sad that I feel like I could have had more potential.
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Had my life been different.
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Had I been loved.
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I don't know.
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I don't know.
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Okay, yeah, I hear you.
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So those things, I hear that.
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Would you say it permeates your your existence?
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There's not a day that I don't feel some type of sadness and grossness.
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It's not really a pity, it's just a sadness that doesn't go away.
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No matter what I do, even if I'm happy, I still feel sad.
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Yeah, there are several things there that you feel sad the legitimately sad about.
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And there's nothing that's gonna fix it.
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If you were to fix anything, let's say, in your situation, what would you want or desire to fix if you could fix anything?
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I cannot function without my depression medication.
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I've tried to do it.
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I get too irritable and angry so quickly.
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Irritable and angry shows up when you're not taking medication.
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I'm very overstimulated.
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I can't deal with a lot.
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Would you say that irritability and anger is part of what you're describing as depression?
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Probably.
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So does the medication help take the edge off of that?
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Is that what you're saying?
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I wish I never would have got off of and switched to other medications I trialed for two years.
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I was on a medication that worked for five.
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It was literally the worst two years of my life.
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Finally, I did this psychiatrist thing on the phone so I could get back on Zoloft.
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But the Zoloft isn't like it was before.
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Okay, but you're on Zoloft.
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Yeah.
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I miss being numb though.
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I miss when it was like a lot.
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You miss being numb?
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That's why I originally quit taking it after five years because I couldn't cry like after my grandparents.
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So it kind of makes you numb.
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It doesn't now because I'm not on a high dose.
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I told them I didn't want that at that point.
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Okay.
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All right.
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I hear what you're taking the medication for.
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And I'm curious about these other feelings and emotions that uh you feel you can't do anything about, let's say, other than take medication for them.
00:17:56.559 --> 00:18:04.319
And I'm hearing that you feel what you're calling depression, but there's anger, there's anger in there.
00:18:06.079 --> 00:18:06.319
True.
00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:10.079
Yeah, your anger is legitimate and understandable.
00:18:11.039 --> 00:18:16.799
But it it sounds like perhaps you've learned to suppress your anger or try to suppress your anger.
00:18:18.799 --> 00:18:19.359
Is that true?
00:18:20.799 --> 00:18:21.599
I would say so.
00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:22.319
Yeah.
00:18:22.480 --> 00:18:22.799
Yeah.
00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:34.480
I I hear and understand your desire to do something about these feelings, and medication can certainly take the edge off of certain feelings and emotions.
00:18:34.559 --> 00:18:43.519
But the other possibility in all of that is is it possible that you could deal with these feelings of anger and whatever is there?
00:18:44.160 --> 00:18:47.839
To find a way through them in any way.
00:18:48.640 --> 00:18:49.119
I don't know.
00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:58.480
I feel like the older I've gotten, the more angry I get because before I had kids, it was like I could ignore it, but then you have kids and then you're like, how could my parents be like this?
00:18:58.720 --> 00:19:00.480
What is wrong with them?
00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:03.119
How your parents could be like what?
00:19:03.839 --> 00:19:05.519
How they could be the way that they are.
00:19:05.680 --> 00:19:09.440
For instance, I got taken away from my mother because of abuse.
00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:11.519
Literally told me to kill myself.
00:19:12.160 --> 00:19:15.119
So you were taken away from your mother at an early age.
00:19:15.519 --> 00:19:17.200
Early, it was like 14, 15.
00:19:17.440 --> 00:19:18.240
And what did she say?
00:19:18.640 --> 00:19:20.960
She told me to go kill myself, told me how to do that.
00:19:21.039 --> 00:19:22.480
That's when you were like 14 or 15.
00:19:22.880 --> 00:19:26.400
Yeah, and I did try to she told me how I should try to do it, but it didn't work.
00:19:26.720 --> 00:19:27.599
I'm curious about that.
00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:30.960
Your mother tells you to go kill yourself.
00:19:31.200 --> 00:19:31.440
Okay.
00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:33.680
How do you feel inside when you hear that?
00:19:33.920 --> 00:19:35.680
Sometimes I wish I would have been successful.
00:19:36.079 --> 00:19:37.759
You wish you would have been successful.
00:19:38.000 --> 00:19:38.480
Oh yeah.
00:19:38.880 --> 00:19:48.640
Your mother is telling you this, and am I hearing you say that you have taken that as I deserve to kill myself or I should kill myself?
00:19:50.240 --> 00:19:50.960
No, not now.
00:19:51.359 --> 00:19:51.839
Not now.
00:19:52.000 --> 00:19:56.960
You're not planning to kill yourself, but you did back when she told you that.
00:19:57.200 --> 00:19:57.519
Oh, yeah.
00:19:57.599 --> 00:20:01.359
I told CPS if they sent me back with her that I would make sure it was successful.
00:20:01.680 --> 00:20:03.440
That's probably one of the reasons they did not.
00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:11.920
So when you go back to that moment when she told you that, can you tap into what was the feeling state you felt just hearing that?
00:20:12.319 --> 00:20:15.920
If you can It was expected because she usually put me down every day.
00:20:16.240 --> 00:20:16.640
Oh, okay.
00:20:16.799 --> 00:20:20.000
So she tells you you have ruined my life.
00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:22.319
And you should go kill yourself.
00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:25.119
Yeah, she said I should take a bunch of pills and kill myself.
00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:26.160
Go kill yourself.
00:20:26.400 --> 00:20:28.000
What's your reaction to that?
00:20:28.640 --> 00:20:29.680
It's disgusting.
00:20:29.920 --> 00:20:31.839
Yeah, absolutely disgusting.
00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:32.559
Exactly.
00:20:32.880 --> 00:20:34.240
And she's just not an okay person.
00:20:34.960 --> 00:20:42.079
A couple months ago, my half-brother reached out to me, and he's four and a half years younger than me, but that's my mom's other kid.
00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:44.880
We don't really talk because he has drug issues.
00:20:44.960 --> 00:20:53.759
Like she was evicting him, and he was like, Oh, hey, can you come to court and help me out and tell people that our mom's always been this way?
00:20:53.839 --> 00:20:58.799
I have videos of her beating me and calling me names.
00:20:58.960 --> 00:21:00.400
She'll tell him that she hates him.
00:21:00.559 --> 00:21:02.240
I didn't reply because I didn't want to deal with it.
00:21:02.400 --> 00:21:03.200
It is what it is.
00:21:03.440 --> 00:21:04.480
He's an adult.
00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:06.640
If he didn't want to deal with it, he doesn't have to.
00:21:06.880 --> 00:21:12.000
But he's in the cycle of we got into an argument quite a few years ago and we just haven't talked.
00:21:12.160 --> 00:21:14.960
I told him it's not normal for your mother to say that they hate you.
00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:17.359
It's not normal for them to tell you to kill yourself.
00:21:17.839 --> 00:21:20.799
It's not normal for her to put you down to put her hands on you.
00:21:20.960 --> 00:21:23.119
And his response is, our family isn't normal.
00:21:23.279 --> 00:21:24.160
You should know that.
00:21:24.319 --> 00:21:24.799
Uh-huh.
00:21:25.039 --> 00:21:31.359
So she said the basic same things that she said to you, she said to him, like you should cook kind of thing.
00:21:32.000 --> 00:21:37.519
I'm sure it's been uh well 10 or 11 is when she stopped liking me.
00:21:37.759 --> 00:21:38.079
Okay.
00:21:38.960 --> 00:21:44.640
She was kicking him on the floor in the stomach, and I stood up for him because I was crying, and she was like, Why are you crying?
00:21:44.720 --> 00:21:45.519
I'm not kicking you.
00:21:45.599 --> 00:21:47.920
And I said, Because I don't like it when you kick my brother.
00:21:48.079 --> 00:21:50.000
And he was just like huddled up on the floor.
00:21:50.240 --> 00:21:50.880
Yeah.
00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:56.079
I I hear that those moments were traumatic for you.
00:21:57.119 --> 00:21:59.680
To what is your mother treating your brother?
00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:02.400
And you, the way she treated you.
00:22:02.640 --> 00:22:03.920
It's trauma.
00:22:05.279 --> 00:22:07.839
So she had quite a few boyfriends, but this one I liked.
00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:10.000
He didn't like the way she was talking to us one day.
00:22:10.079 --> 00:22:11.119
He stood up for us.
00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:12.319
She didn't like that.
00:22:12.480 --> 00:22:15.680
Whenever she kicked him out, he wanted his motorcycle back.
00:22:15.759 --> 00:22:18.160
She parted it and gave him back pieces of it.
00:22:18.319 --> 00:22:19.839
That's the kind of person my mother was.
00:22:20.160 --> 00:22:23.839
Your feelings toward her are understandable to me.
00:22:24.079 --> 00:22:30.960
If anger is something that you're aware of that occurs in your experience, I can understand.
00:22:31.440 --> 00:22:33.359
You didn't deserve any of that.
00:22:33.599 --> 00:22:33.920
No.
00:22:34.480 --> 00:22:34.799
Yeah.
00:22:35.119 --> 00:22:36.000
I know I didn't.
00:22:36.079 --> 00:22:36.880
I was just a kid.
00:22:37.200 --> 00:22:37.680
Exactly.
00:22:37.920 --> 00:22:39.359
You were just a kid.
00:22:39.759 --> 00:22:40.240
Exactly.
00:22:40.480 --> 00:22:43.680
And it's like when their brains are forming, but really messed me up.
00:22:44.319 --> 00:22:45.519
And it's not just that.
00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:47.839
The kind of people that she's been with.
00:22:48.079 --> 00:22:53.759
When my mom was pregnant with my brother, I watched a knife get held to her neck and his dad threatened to kill her.
00:22:54.000 --> 00:22:54.640
Yeah, wow.
00:22:54.880 --> 00:22:56.720
And I think he only didn't because she was pregnant.
00:22:56.880 --> 00:22:58.640
If she wasn't pregnant, I think he would have done it.
00:22:59.119 --> 00:23:08.559
So when you reflect on these scenes in your mind's eye, because these are all sounds like there's scenes that you recall, things that your mother said and things that occurred.
00:23:08.799 --> 00:23:11.119
How do you feel t about all these things?
00:23:11.279 --> 00:23:15.599
What's your reaction to all of these events that you can recall?
00:23:15.920 --> 00:23:26.079
I know that I'm sure she's dealt with stuff in her childhood.
00:23:26.400 --> 00:23:28.720
Her mother wasn't abusive but neglectful.
00:23:28.960 --> 00:23:31.759
And that grandma wasn't around for a long time.
00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:33.759
My grandpa got custody of me.
00:23:33.920 --> 00:23:39.039
But my grandpa wasn't in his younger days, probably not very nice.
00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:43.119
Because he said things to me, but I've okay.
00:23:43.359 --> 00:23:47.599
So am I understanding you to say that you're aware that your mother was abused?
00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:50.319
I wouldn't say she was neglected.
00:23:50.480 --> 00:24:00.559
I'm sure my grandpa wasn't as nice to her as he is to me because he said some things to me over the years, but it was never as bad as what my mom did.
00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:01.359
So you know.
00:24:01.839 --> 00:24:02.480
Right, right.
00:24:02.559 --> 00:24:02.720
Yeah.
00:24:02.960 --> 00:24:04.400
I'm completely aware.
00:24:04.559 --> 00:24:08.559
I think the way that she was raised and the mental illnesses.
00:24:08.640 --> 00:24:10.400
My grandpa's really big on medication.
00:24:10.480 --> 00:24:13.839
At first, he made fun of me and called me crazy for taking medication.
00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:25.759
And I was like, no, at least I'm gonna be a good parent because I'm gonna I think the way that she was raised had a significant impact on why she is the one.
00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:34.559
Okay, so you can at least understand her behavior in some ways because it sounds like the way she treated you was the way she was treated.
00:24:34.960 --> 00:24:35.599
I can imagine.
00:24:35.759 --> 00:24:48.559
I can definitely see the belittling, and I know that her mom was neglectful on she wasn't around, so she had a fan for herself, but I feel like she was raised in such a way that made her such a selfish person.
00:24:49.440 --> 00:25:00.240
And since grandpa was very big on mental health and not taking medication and not talking about problems, she never went and got mental health that she should have got.
00:25:00.559 --> 00:25:13.680
That's what you're sharing there, is often true as how someone treats you, let's say, is an expression or reflection of how they were treated in some ways that gets acted out.
00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:19.599
She's the scapegoat in some ways in her life, is what I hear.
00:25:20.480 --> 00:25:26.400
Yeah, I think if she would have got on medication and maybe had some type of therapy, it might have helped.
00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:28.559
Okay, but none of that happened, right?
00:25:28.880 --> 00:25:29.759
No, but it could have.
00:25:30.160 --> 00:25:31.039
Anything could have.
00:25:31.200 --> 00:25:37.440
But coming back to the present, I think one of the things I'm hearing you say is, I feel like my life is over.
00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:42.880
You know, I can't go any further than I wish would have wished to, let's say.
00:25:43.039 --> 00:25:47.599
And my life is half over, and I'm just putting up with life the way it is, is what I hear.
00:25:47.839 --> 00:25:48.480
It is what it is.
00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:50.559
Your life is what it is, exactly.
00:25:50.720 --> 00:25:52.000
It's the way it is.
00:25:52.240 --> 00:25:59.920
I can see how that can become an impediment to you experiencing going further in your life.
00:26:00.319 --> 00:26:02.319
I can go forward, but it's just dealing with it.
00:26:02.480 --> 00:26:04.319
Okay, so what's there to deal with then?
00:26:04.640 --> 00:26:05.279
I'm curious.
00:26:05.440 --> 00:26:07.680
What's there to deal when you say dealing with it?
00:26:07.839 --> 00:26:09.119
What's there to deal with?
00:26:09.599 --> 00:26:13.759
The fact that my kids ask questions like all these other people and their grandparents.
00:26:13.839 --> 00:26:16.480
I've told them some of what my mom did, obviously, not all the past.
00:26:17.119 --> 00:26:19.920
Jason's gonna be 13 tomorrow, 10 and 8.
00:26:20.240 --> 00:26:26.319
They ask questions about your family, and you've shared with them some of the things that you experienced back when.
00:26:27.440 --> 00:26:31.119
Yes, my oldest is very understanding of that kind of stuff.
00:26:31.200 --> 00:26:34.799
Now they've met my dad and they know that I don't hate him.
00:26:34.960 --> 00:26:36.319
I don't hate my dad at all.
00:26:36.559 --> 00:26:44.559
I just think that he's mentally declined in a way that he can't function to at fault for some of the things that happened.
00:26:45.119 --> 00:26:48.319
He's just not functional in that way to admit to anything.
00:26:48.640 --> 00:26:50.480
I think he's a super nice guy.
00:26:50.640 --> 00:26:55.279
I just think that he mentally cannot fathom that anything is his fault, and he's like a child.
00:26:55.599 --> 00:26:57.279
He's not able to fathom that.
00:26:57.759 --> 00:27:03.599
And my grandpa's the kind of person that didn't like that side of the family, so he did not like me talking to them.
00:27:03.839 --> 00:27:07.680
Like he said to me before, why isn't what I've done good enough?
00:27:07.839 --> 00:27:10.319
Why am I not just good enough?
00:27:10.559 --> 00:27:11.279
My grandpa.
00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:16.079
And whenever I was talking to him, he told me he hated that side of my family, so he didn't want to hear about it.
00:27:16.240 --> 00:27:19.119
So I was like, Okay, thank you.
00:27:19.359 --> 00:27:24.160
So he acknowledges a feeling inside, a feeling of not being good enough.
00:27:25.039 --> 00:27:25.599
He did.
00:27:25.839 --> 00:27:27.119
A feeling of not being good enough.
00:27:27.279 --> 00:27:30.000
But like my grandpa is literally a very lonely person.
00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:33.519
Nobody talks to him in the family except for me and his sister sometimes.
00:27:33.839 --> 00:27:37.599
Does that relate to you in any way, is this feeling of not being good enough?
00:27:38.240 --> 00:27:40.319
Yeah, I feel like a lot of people don't like me.
00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:41.599
I'm not a likable person.
00:27:41.759 --> 00:27:43.279
So you imagine that?
00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:49.599
No, I really believe that people believe it, but do people actually tell you I don't like you?
00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:55.599
I feel like sometimes I'm a little blunt because I don't like lying.
00:27:55.680 --> 00:28:02.319
So sometimes they say things and people don't like it because it is the truth, even if they don't like the truth.
00:28:02.640 --> 00:28:11.200
So they don't like your bluntness sometimes, would you say I've tried to watch what I say so I don't hurt people's feelings.
00:28:11.279 --> 00:28:13.759
But if they ask me, I don't like to lie about it.
00:28:13.839 --> 00:28:17.359
I usually ask, do you want me to tell you the truth or do you want me to lie to you?
00:28:17.599 --> 00:28:22.000
So does all that mean that people don't like you, or maybe they just don't like some of the things you've said?
00:28:22.480 --> 00:28:24.160
I mean, some people definitely don't like me.
00:28:24.319 --> 00:28:25.359
And so you're certain of that.
00:28:25.680 --> 00:28:30.240
Is that something that you've now generalized to the whole world that people don't like me?
00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:32.319
A lot of people don't.
00:28:32.559 --> 00:28:33.519
Do you know everybody?
00:28:33.759 --> 00:28:34.079
No.
00:28:34.240 --> 00:28:35.920
But if they met me, they probably wouldn't like me.
00:28:36.240 --> 00:28:37.759
That's what I hear you thinking.
00:28:37.920 --> 00:28:40.240
Say these words, I don't like me.
00:28:40.799 --> 00:28:41.599
I don't like me.
00:28:41.759 --> 00:28:43.440
I tell people that I don't like myself.
00:28:43.759 --> 00:28:44.400
I don't like me.
00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:44.720
Yeah.
00:28:44.880 --> 00:28:48.160
And then when your own parent can't love you, how can anybody else love you?
00:28:48.400 --> 00:28:50.000
That's what children make up.
00:28:50.799 --> 00:28:51.759
Exactly.
00:28:52.480 --> 00:28:53.599
Children decide that.
00:28:53.759 --> 00:29:00.240
If I don't get the love and care that I deserve as a child, then I guess that means I'm not lovable.
00:29:01.119 --> 00:29:02.960
It's very hard to like myself.
00:29:03.359 --> 00:29:03.680
Yeah.
00:29:04.319 --> 00:29:06.960
I guess I feel that I'm unlikable.
00:29:08.319 --> 00:29:12.640
And then there's just parts of me that remind me of my parents and I just don't like it.
00:29:12.960 --> 00:29:13.839
Yeah, okay.
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:14.880
Yeah.
00:29:15.200 --> 00:29:19.839
It's certainly not bad to not parts of ourselves, some parts of me I don't like.
00:29:20.720 --> 00:29:21.759
But that's okay.
00:29:22.079 --> 00:29:23.440
I just don't like that part.
00:29:26.400 --> 00:29:29.039
But that doesn't mean anything about me as a person.
00:29:30.400 --> 00:29:35.039
That I'm unlikable or that because I don't like parts of me that I can't like.
00:29:35.920 --> 00:29:36.880
Other parts.
00:29:37.279 --> 00:29:37.680
All right.
00:29:37.839 --> 00:29:40.640
We are coming towards the end of our meeting here today.
00:29:40.880 --> 00:29:43.200
So we touched on a few things here.
00:29:43.519 --> 00:29:52.240
And uh the way we end our session is a little bit like the way we start, which is so what word might name my here and now experience right now?
00:29:52.640 --> 00:29:54.799
Coming to a close of our meeting?
00:29:55.039 --> 00:29:56.799
How do I feel about our meeting today?
00:29:57.039 --> 00:30:00.480
Did I get anywhere near where I wanted to be by the end of the meeting?
00:30:00.799 --> 00:30:01.519
I feel heavy.
00:30:02.160 --> 00:30:03.279
My chest feels heavy.
00:30:03.599 --> 00:30:05.039
Would you like to explore that briefly?
00:30:05.200 --> 00:30:06.559
Not explain it, explore it.
00:30:07.920 --> 00:30:08.720
How do we do that?
00:30:09.119 --> 00:30:17.759
Close your eyes for a moment and feel that heaviness in your chest.
00:30:19.920 --> 00:30:21.519
Be with that feeling for now.
00:30:24.880 --> 00:30:30.400
Search around in your body and notice any other places where you feel this heaviness.
00:30:32.880 --> 00:30:34.400
Allow it all to be there.
00:30:40.880 --> 00:30:48.240
Try for a moment instead of resisting these feelings, just see what happens if you could welcome these feelings.
00:30:50.079 --> 00:30:51.599
Allowing them to be there.
00:30:54.480 --> 00:31:00.880
And then as you allow yourself to feel these feelings, notice any thoughts that may go along with these feelings.
00:31:05.279 --> 00:31:06.319
Whatever thoughts are there.
00:31:06.400 --> 00:31:12.319
Go ahead and see if you could welcome those thoughts, allowing them to be there.
00:31:16.319 --> 00:31:26.160
Notice what happens when you just accept your feeling state without trying to change anything or do anything or judge it.
00:31:31.119 --> 00:31:33.759
And when you feel ready, you could open your eyes and come back here.
00:31:41.119 --> 00:31:42.079
Anything you want to share?
00:31:42.319 --> 00:31:43.519
It made me want to go to sleep.
00:31:43.839 --> 00:31:44.799
Made you want to go to sleep.
00:31:44.880 --> 00:31:45.039
Yeah.
00:31:45.519 --> 00:31:46.000
Soothing.
00:31:46.319 --> 00:31:52.400
Sometimes whenever I feel like that, I just lay in the bathtub, like in the water, and become one with the water.
00:31:53.200 --> 00:31:55.200
I guess I call that nurturing yourself.
00:31:55.519 --> 00:31:59.119
What did you say you wanted or wished to feel by the end of the meeting?
00:31:59.359 --> 00:32:06.000
I guess some type of gratification to maybe see things in a different point of view.
00:32:06.400 --> 00:32:08.319
Did you get anywhere near that at all?
00:32:08.480 --> 00:32:10.559
Or I'm still the same place I was.
00:32:11.440 --> 00:32:14.319
I guess there's a slight gratification in the conversation itself.
00:32:14.799 --> 00:32:30.480
Coming to a close here, I hear you and I hear your experience and your background too, and certainly all the feelings that you've felt prior and today, let's say, are certainly understandable that you would feel all these feelings.
00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:35.279
As far as therapy is concerned, the thing to learn to deal with is the feelings.
00:32:35.599 --> 00:32:44.559
J just by the acknowledging of them and the welcoming of them and the allowing of them, what you're doing is creating the conditions for them just to flow.
00:32:45.680 --> 00:32:50.559
You know, because it sounds like you you made up somewhere I'm not lovable and I'm not good enough.
00:32:51.039 --> 00:32:52.720
And you've learned to believe that.
00:32:53.599 --> 00:32:56.079
And that's become kind of your programming in life.
00:32:56.160 --> 00:32:59.359
And it gets proved to yourself over and over again.
00:32:59.759 --> 00:33:01.440
That's one of the things to learn to question.
00:33:01.680 --> 00:33:06.640
Maybe people have expressed they don't like certain things, but does any of that mean I'm not likable?
00:33:07.759 --> 00:33:08.799
You can challenge that.
00:33:09.039 --> 00:33:10.799
Get in touch with your okayness.
00:33:11.279 --> 00:33:13.039
Consider you're okay, really.
00:33:13.599 --> 00:33:15.359
You just learn to believe that you're not.
00:33:15.680 --> 00:33:16.880
You can change that belief.
00:33:18.880 --> 00:33:21.359
It's learning to let go of what you've been hanging on to.
00:33:21.599 --> 00:33:26.799
That doesn't take any learning at all other than to choose to release and let go.
00:33:27.039 --> 00:33:35.759
If these are the persistent beliefs and feelings that I've been holding on to, then the only learning that's required is dropping it.
00:33:36.640 --> 00:33:38.240
Learning to drop it.
00:33:39.039 --> 00:33:41.279
It would be nice just to be able to let it go.
00:33:41.440 --> 00:33:45.200
I feel like my brain is obsessive and compulsive about certain things.
00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:46.319
Stuff triggers it.
00:33:46.640 --> 00:33:47.279
You get triggered.
00:33:47.440 --> 00:33:53.200
That's possible to deal with, whether seeing a therapist or doing your own inner work, learning to journal.
00:33:53.359 --> 00:33:55.200
Do you ever kept a journal?
00:33:55.599 --> 00:33:58.319
When I was a kid, and then my mom read it, and I never journaled again.
00:33:58.480 --> 00:33:59.119
Oh gosh.
00:33:59.359 --> 00:34:00.160
Write and burn.
00:34:00.640 --> 00:34:03.119
That would certainly keep you from keeping a journal.
00:34:03.200 --> 00:34:09.519
But journal can be a powerful self-therapy tool, you know, where you just learn to write out your thoughts and feelings.
00:34:09.920 --> 00:34:14.000
So it's been nice to meet you and to get to know you a little bit here.
00:34:14.159 --> 00:34:17.039
I wish you well on your journey in this life.
00:34:17.280 --> 00:34:24.079
Believe there's always potential to be fulfilled, and sometimes it's learning to get out of our own way.
00:34:25.679 --> 00:34:29.679
It sounds like you've had some dreams, but you've put a lid on those things.
00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:32.480
Thank you for this conversation.
00:34:33.039 --> 00:34:33.360
Okay.
00:34:33.519 --> 00:34:33.920
Thank you.
00:34:34.480 --> 00:34:34.800
All right.
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Take care.
00:34:35.519 --> 00:34:35.920
All the best.
00:34:36.159 --> 00:34:36.639
You too.
00:34:36.960 --> 00:34:40.320
Thank you for listening to this edition of Eyewitness to Therapy.
00:34:40.480 --> 00:34:49.039
If you, the listener, desire to be interviewed in a similar fashion as this one, feel free to contact me at courtcurtis at yahoo.com.
00:34:49.199 --> 00:34:50.639
Peace, love, and presence.