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Even If It Kills Me is presented by Manhead Merch.
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There's this gap on the path to stardom,
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and it reminds me of the event horizon of a black hole.
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I'll explain.
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If you suddenly found yourself on the very edge of a black hole,
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that exact moment you get stuck in its gravity and you're unable to escape,
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you get pulled apart one atom at a time as you get stretched into a single point somewhere off in infinity.
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And if for some reason we had a camera on the edge of the black hole and you could see this happening,
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that person would just blip out of existence.
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And that's the gap on the path to stardom.
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Some people get stuck forever on tour,
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driving towards that horizon,
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and some people just blip into it overnight.
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The very first band that we toured with was also the first band to show signs of things to come.
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It was a small tour,
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my brain's telling me it was only six shows and perhaps a total of seven or eight days.
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Even within that short time,
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I sensed bigger things for the other band.
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There was a gap forming between the two bands,
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even from the start.
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They should have kicked it in high gear right then and there.
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Sensing the headliners moving beyond them on that tour should have sent chills down their spine.
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It didn't.
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I remember assuming that the other band was starting out better because they were from Long Island.
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You know,
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instead of looking at what they were doing and learning from it,
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we just chalked it on up into a lose column.
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We didn't even know we were keeping track of yet.
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Each one of the guys in the band took this way differently.
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Brian,
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the most optimistic among us,
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didn't take notes.
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I don't think I thought about stuff like that back then.
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I just was going for it and going with it and not really thinking too much into it.
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And why would he?
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I mean,
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this was literally the very first time any of us,
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the headliner included,
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had done anything like this.
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We had zero frame of reference at this point.
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The bar of expectations was still sitting on the ground like a dropped limbo stick.
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Mac knew it.
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I went to a show and I played my bass and I occasionally sold merch.
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And I drove the van when need be.
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Absolute bare minimum.
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so the bar to be met is like did you successfully play each song which is like yeah we can do that that's it and that really was it if all they were going to do was simply show up each night town after town and play all their songs correctly it
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was not going to be enough you know pete started to notice a difference between the two bands as well at some points we were like a runaway train
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whereas those guys had their set figured out and transitions figured out between songs.
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They had their set down cold.
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John was semi-aware of it,
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but didn't really have the foresight yet to do anything about it.
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Our band was missing this thing that they had.
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When you're presented with problems like that,
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you could make decisions that will change your situation one way or the other,
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but I didn't have the information yet.
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So I was already thinking a specific way about it,
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but I still didn't have the experience to make good decisions.
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While the tour was heading west,
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we decided to head back home to get jobs,
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while the other band continued on.
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Back then,
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we didn't have a booking agent,
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so we were actually only booked on the first five days of that tour.
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And they,
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of course,
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had to call us out in front of everybody,
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live on stage.
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I mean,
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I thought we were already doing the damn job.
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The headliner absolutely killed it that night.
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It was my first experience of seeing that cliche of lightning in a bottle.
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It's a hell of a thing to actually feel the energy of a room shift and turn electric.
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It was right then and there I knew that this band had it because you could just feel it.
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You could feel it in the air.
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The final night of tour is a night that you cannot anticipate,
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but also is one that you have to prepare for.
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Otherwise,
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things can get messy.
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And while in a midwestern college town,
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the only thing you really can do is to just keep drinking and drinking.
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Especially if you had just rolled your ankle in a parking lot while playing frisbee,
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which is exactly what Mac had just done.
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And of course walking now became a huge struggle for him.
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Good thing we walked only a few miles that night.
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Maxolution was to drink enough that he would just simply forget about his ankle.
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Being the wonderful friends that we are,
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John was making sure that I filmed as much of this spectacle as possible.
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And this entire spectacle was 20 people.
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When you're rolling with 20 people,
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there is this certain invincibility that comes along with what you're doing.
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You really can get away with anything.
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Well,
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almost anything.
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A month later,
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in June of 2004,
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right around the time John Kerry couldn't stop flip-flopping around in his flip-flops,
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we found ourselves at the Troubadour.
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The
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Troubadour.
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You know,
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the same place Elton John destroyed people's minds back in 1970,
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which,
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are you ready for this one,
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was over 50 years ago.
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The same place where the Byrds met on a Monday night open mic and played Tambourine Man for the first time.
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Oh,
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you know,
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the same place that
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Poco, late from a Denver gig,
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arrived to find an unknown comic Steve Martin doing their songs on a banjo to a rapturous crowd.
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You know,
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the same place that...
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I'm just reading the website at this point.
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It was also the same place your humble narrator managed to film inside of nonstop the entire day and night without any of the staff noticing,
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only to later find out that filming is
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1000% not allowed inside that place at all.
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And finally,
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it was also on that very same stage where Mac's sunburned flesh was slowly peeling off under his shirt while John's monitor on stage failed him and he couldn't hear shit.
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That was a hard show.
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I mean,
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Mac was sunburned to hell.
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Like,
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he was basically in hell.
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He was so sunburned.
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Sorry.
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That was John's attempt at helping Mac simply clothe himself for the show.
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All I was thinking was...
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I am sloughing off thick layers of fried skin and it hurts a lot.
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I can barely concentrate on what I'm supposed to play let alone smiling.
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I was having an inner mental breakdown because for some reason,
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something on the stage,
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the way that monitors are arranged,
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it might be like a phase issue.
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I don't know the deal,
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but basically it just sounds like you're playing in a different key.
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So then you try to go in and sing and it sounds like you're like a third down from the real place where you're supposed to be.
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And you just like,
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can't get back on track.
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And you're like,
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what the fuck?
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what key is this in?
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Like,
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what does this sound like?
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What does music sound like?
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I mean,
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we couldn't have looked more out of place and stupid if we tried.
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And that was basically happening to me the entire show.
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We're a real band.
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We have a real record coming out.
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And the entire label was there.
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You would think that if anyone had bet on us at that point,
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They would have been like,
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this is not a good look.
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I'm sure Ryan and Pete were like,
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yeah,
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this is fucking great guys.
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Because they're in a different universe.
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I didn't think it was bad.
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Yeah,
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I mean,
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that show was amazing.
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The place just has an aura about it.
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It's the true door.
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There is this blink and miss it moment I captured that night between John and the tour manager of one of the other bands we were on the road with.
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This guy had been doing it for a while.
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They're discussing the end of tour and,
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you know,
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what are you going to do next,
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which becomes a staple of small talk at the end of every tour.
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John responds to what's next with a quick,
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we're done,
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we can take it easy.
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The other tour manager looks blankly at John for a drunken split second and says,
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it's never done.
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He was on the other side of the event horizon,
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stuck inside the fame gap,
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forever on tour,
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living a life much less glamorous than people imagine.
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And our greenhorn,
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naive,
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20-year-old know-it-all egos had no idea what we were looking at.
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Later that night,
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the band he was working for was self-destructing on the sidewalk.
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Oddly enough,
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this all unfolded at the exact same moment someone dragging a life-size cross walked past the troop.
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Before we left the venue,
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their merch guy came bounding up to the van window.
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You know,
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we said our goodbyes,
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which were always followed up with obliviously empty promises to call one another and meet up again sometime.
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Ever been overwhelmed by the logistics of merch on tour?
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I remember a chaotic night trying to keep everything organized while the crowd was surrounding the merch table.
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As I scrambled to find the right size t-shirts for everyone,
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I realized we were completely sold out of all of our most popular shirts.
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Okay,
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now imagine you're managing merch for an arena show.
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How do you make that leap?
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Manhead Merch is the powerhouse behind some of the biggest names in the industry.
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They offer a full suite of services.
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Horring,
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e-commerce,
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retail,
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and licensing.
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Tailored for top tier tailoring.
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They take care of everything,
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from design and manufacturing to seamless order fulfillment.
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Ensuring your merch game is as polished as your performance.
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Manhead Merch transforms chaos into streamlined success.
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They manage every aspect of merchandising so you don't have to.
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If I would have had Manhead Merch back then,
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they would have handled the logistics,
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and I could have handled that crowd.
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Ready to take your band's merch to the next level?
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Visit manheadmerch.com
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The drive back to our friend's house,
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I'm pretty sure all the booze I had to drink that night just hit me all at once.
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I couldn't stop narrating.
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Let's see.
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I'm gonna say I got just a shiny cedar.
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I'm gonna get it.
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There it is.
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See this Chinese?
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That's the Chinese theater right there.
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That's where all the stuff happens.
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All the famous movie stars go there,
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and they watch their own movies there.
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And they rent out the building,
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and they go in to sing out with their parents and their families.
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And they go in,
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and they watch their movies.
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And they go in,
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and they discuss their movies.
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And they have cheese crackers at the end of movies.
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And it's very entertaining.
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I can't go there because I am not a movie star.
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I was a kid in a candy store,
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drunk on Hollywood and spirits.
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The drinking and what have you kept right on going that night once we got to our friend's house.
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Because despite their performance at one of the most famous venues in all of rock and roll history,
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not really going as planned,
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nobody gave a shit.
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I mean,
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looking back across that entire tour,
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how could we not celebrate?
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I mean finishing our first quote real tour,
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it took us across the US to places that were new to all of us and the Headliner was a band that was well established and known to all of us.
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We went to venues more famous than the bands that were even in them.
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I mean man,
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all these odd years later,
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we deserved that celebration.
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I just wish we hadn't let off the gas so soon.
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The day after the show,
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the guys had a photoshoot.
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Mac was still mostly immobile with a sunburn that was now turning purple.
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And the photographer was horribly disinterested and honestly just seemed so annoyed to be doing what he was doing.
256
00:14:04.422 --> 00:14:07.399
Just another lost soul stuck inside the Fame Cat.
257
00:14:13.835 --> 00:14:15.563
We had nothing but time on our hands now.
258
00:14:16.524 --> 00:14:18.683
And the guys had already recorded album number one.
259
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It was mixed,
260
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mastered,
261
00:14:20.991 --> 00:14:23.623
and just waiting for its release date to arrive.
262
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And with no more tour dates scheduled in the immediate future,
263
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we meandered eastward,
264
00:14:29.516 --> 00:14:30.583
just back home.
265
00:14:32.085 --> 00:14:33.190
We spent that summer of
266
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doing nothing,
267
00:14:36.037 --> 00:14:36.340
actually.
268
00:14:37.145 --> 00:14:38.460
I might have delivered some pizzas.
269
00:14:39.300 --> 00:14:42.980
John and Mac put in some hours at the coffee shop our friends had recently opened.
270
00:14:43.581 --> 00:14:46.800
We were really just killing time until the album released that August.
271
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It's crazy that the band had two straight months with nothing booked.
272
00:14:54.422 --> 00:14:54.664
You know,
273
00:14:54.664 --> 00:14:57.660
and not like two months in the dead of winter.
274
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It was the two months,
275
00:15:00.153 --> 00:15:00.737
summer months,
276
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mind you,
277
00:15:02.226 --> 00:15:04.520
the two months before their album came out.
278
00:15:05.884 --> 00:15:14.315
You're not gonna generate any buzz for your band besides some coffee buzz working at this marvelous exotic coffee shop in your hometown.
279
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That summer was...
280
00:15:17.592 --> 00:15:18.437
it was nice.
281
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Almost too nice.
282
00:15:21.464 --> 00:15:21.765
I mean,
283
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we were riding high as kites being back there.
284
00:15:26.316 --> 00:15:26.518
I mean,
285
00:15:26.558 --> 00:15:30.665
toss in a record release show for that hometown crowd,
286
00:15:31.106 --> 00:15:37.396
and you've got yourself disaster and disappointment just waiting to attack.
287
00:15:40.701 --> 00:15:40.922
Oh,
288
00:15:40.922 --> 00:15:42.124
an attack they did.
289
00:15:43.206 --> 00:15:45.329
It wasn't until like six months later,
290
00:15:45.570 --> 00:15:49.476
but it happened in early 2005.
291
00:15:50.226 --> 00:15:51.088
A friend of John,
292
00:15:51.168 --> 00:15:55.638
who the rest of us only knew via very bizarre IM chats,
293
00:15:56.420 --> 00:15:58.384
had also started a band.
294
00:15:58.884 --> 00:16:02.319
Their first proper album came out only two weeks before ours,
295
00:16:02.479 --> 00:16:03.604
or the band's.
296
00:16:04.184 --> 00:16:07.473
By the time our bands finally hit the road together,
297
00:16:08.174 --> 00:16:09.939
their album already had this,
298
00:16:10.200 --> 00:16:10.440
like,
299
00:16:10.901 --> 00:16:11.884
gravity to it.
300
00:16:12.225 --> 00:16:13.911
Like a warp drive from Star Trek,
301
00:16:13.951 --> 00:16:17.304
where it shrinks the mass in front of the ship and expands it in the back,
302
00:16:17.404 --> 00:16:18.944
so you just kind of get pushed through space.
303
00:16:20.480 --> 00:16:22.790
That record's mojo was already in the air.
304
00:16:24.236 --> 00:16:26.608
Sound guys at venues were using it to sound check the speakers,
305
00:16:27.231 --> 00:16:28.739
other bands were talking about it,
306
00:16:29.061 --> 00:16:29.685
asking each other,
307
00:16:29.725 --> 00:16:30.470
have you heard it yet?
308
00:16:31.476 --> 00:16:36.934
What happened in Virginia Beach in early 2005 shouldn't have been a surprise to anyone,
309
00:16:37.676 --> 00:16:38.125
but it was.
310
00:16:38.676 --> 00:16:39.982
Because suddenly in Virginia Beach,
311
00:16:40.605 --> 00:16:41.972
there was no room for anyone.
312
00:16:42.896 --> 00:16:45.085
There was no room for anyone and everyone,
313
00:16:46.069 --> 00:16:47.856
I mean everyone.
314
00:16:49.093 --> 00:16:52.588
suddenly knew all of the words to all of their songs.
315
00:16:52.908 --> 00:16:54.667
I feel like people were kind of watching us,
316
00:16:55.871 --> 00:16:58.248
but then they came out and it was just like,
317
00:16:59.631 --> 00:17:03.808
like they rushed the stage and people were just losing their minds.
318
00:17:04.669 --> 00:17:07.528
People were naturally gravitating forward towards the lights,
319
00:17:07.649 --> 00:17:08.876
towards the sounds,
320
00:17:09.178 --> 00:17:10.667
towards the source of all of it.
321
00:17:12.587 --> 00:17:18.804
And the tiny scene girls in the front were either getting crushed into the stage or popping up and onto the stage
322
00:17:19.465 --> 00:17:20.617
Knocking into the mic stands
323
00:17:21.667 --> 00:17:25.955
The band was pleading for people to back down back up
324
00:17:37.890 --> 00:17:40.268
We were in awe of what was taking place in front of us.
325
00:17:40.368 --> 00:17:41.207
We couldn't believe it.
326
00:17:41.468 --> 00:17:41.710
I mean,
327
00:17:42.779 --> 00:17:43.748
how was this happening?
328
00:17:44.470 --> 00:17:49.428
They were willing to take a lot of risks in what they were doing.
329
00:17:49.868 --> 00:17:52.588
And with risk comes reward.
330
00:17:54.050 --> 00:17:55.255
In those shows to come,
331
00:17:55.818 --> 00:17:58.248
the crowd steadily grew each night.
332
00:17:58.928 --> 00:18:01.688
And the fans showing up got louder and louder.
333
00:18:02.568 --> 00:18:06.808
With the opening notes of the set sending the crowd into a frenzy.
334
00:18:09.001 --> 00:18:12.196
All of this energy pushed them right to the edge of the fame gap.
335
00:18:13.138 --> 00:18:15.028
And at the end of that tour on the final night,
336
00:18:15.692 --> 00:18:16.376
they crossed it.
337
00:18:17.998 --> 00:18:21.216
And the band that they were blipped out of existence.
338
00:18:22.738 --> 00:18:26.696
And the band that they were going to be showed up and sold the place out.
339
00:18:28.561 --> 00:18:38.620
The Stone Pony show started out with this damn burst of positive energy that in its wake left the guys vulnerable in a way that they had never felt before.
340
00:18:39.821 --> 00:18:40.483
In the moment,
341
00:18:40.604 --> 00:18:41.446
of course,
342
00:18:41.767 --> 00:18:43.854
no one was saying this or fully aware of it,
343
00:18:44.396 --> 00:18:45.740
but it was hanging in the air.
344
00:18:46.680 --> 00:18:51.540
There were more odd moments of awkward silence and things to complain about than ever before.
345
00:18:52.582 --> 00:18:56.980
My memory of being backstage that night is clouded with nervous energy.
346
00:18:57.529 --> 00:18:57.876
It was...
347
00:18:58.323 --> 00:19:05.620
quite possibly the exact moment the band was directly in the middle of this fame gap,
348
00:19:06.001 --> 00:19:13.080
where they were both simultaneously as close to and as far away from achieving their goal as they ever would be.
349
00:19:14.440 --> 00:19:15.767
And over the next few years,
350
00:19:16.230 --> 00:19:17.960
instead of getting stuck in that gap,
351
00:19:18.540 --> 00:19:22.920
they discovered a third option that they would repeatedly flirt with over and over.
352
00:19:23.823 --> 00:19:25.976
pulling the rib cord before it's too late,
353
00:19:26.416 --> 00:19:30.336
before you're stuck in this endless cycle of booking a tour,
354
00:19:30.797 --> 00:19:31.361
going out,
355
00:19:31.543 --> 00:19:33.156
racking up debt to your eyeballs,
356
00:19:33.376 --> 00:19:34.427
then going back home,
357
00:19:34.488 --> 00:19:35.296
living with your parents,
358
00:19:35.456 --> 00:19:36.364
paying off your debt,
359
00:19:36.767 --> 00:19:37.312
all the while,
360
00:19:37.373 --> 00:19:37.756
I don't know,
361
00:19:37.876 --> 00:19:41.556
nursing one working kidney and a really horrible cigarette addiction.
362
00:19:42.338 --> 00:19:42.980
But for now,
363
00:19:44.404 --> 00:19:48.416
the party of tour was just getting started.
364
00:19:57.734 --> 00:20:00.072
Even If It Kills Me is a Fang Workshop production.
365
00:20:00.792 --> 00:20:01.823
Written and narrated by me,
366
00:20:01.823 --> 00:20:02.632
Aaron Joy.
367
00:20:03.532 --> 00:20:05.172
Produced by John Lulo and Brendan Walter.
368
00:20:05.896 --> 00:20:10.128
Featuring original music by Alex Dozen and original theme song by Matt McKinley.
1
00:00:00.286 --> 00:00:02.903
Even If It Kills Me is presented by Manhead Merch.
2
00:00:08.845 --> 00:00:11.372
There's this gap on the path to stardom,
3
00:00:12.816 --> 00:00:16.024
and it reminds me of the event horizon of a black hole.
4
00:00:17.895 --> 00:00:18.364
I'll explain.
5
00:00:19.586 --> 00:00:24.504
If you suddenly found yourself on the very edge of a black hole,
6
00:00:25.506 --> 00:00:29.704
that exact moment you get stuck in its gravity and you're unable to escape,
7
00:00:30.606 --> 00:00:38.764
you get pulled apart one atom at a time as you get stretched into a single point somewhere off in infinity.
8
00:00:40.725 --> 00:00:45.464
And if for some reason we had a camera on the edge of the black hole and you could see this happening,
9
00:00:46.608 --> 00:00:49.384
that person would just blip out of existence.
10
00:00:51.902 --> 00:00:54.336
And that's the gap on the path to stardom.
11
00:00:55.536 --> 00:00:58.568
Some people get stuck forever on tour,
12
00:00:59.311 --> 00:01:00.676
driving towards that horizon,
13
00:01:02.043 --> 00:01:03.596
and some people just blip into it overnight.
14
00:01:06.011 --> 00:01:11.428
The very first band that we toured with was also the first band to show signs of things to come.
15
00:01:12.969 --> 00:01:13.933
It was a small tour,
16
00:01:14.033 --> 00:01:18.228
my brain's telling me it was only six shows and perhaps a total of seven or eight days.
17
00:01:18.948 --> 00:01:20.354
Even within that short time,
18
00:01:21.017 --> 00:01:23.648
I sensed bigger things for the other band.
19
00:01:25.130 --> 00:01:27.200
There was a gap forming between the two bands,
20
00:01:27.803 --> 00:01:28.668
even from the start.
21
00:01:30.331 --> 00:01:32.348
They should have kicked it in high gear right then and there.
22
00:01:33.632 --> 00:01:38.028
Sensing the headliners moving beyond them on that tour should have sent chills down their spine.
23
00:01:39.276 --> 00:01:39.747
It didn't.
24
00:01:41.690 --> 00:01:46.068
I remember assuming that the other band was starting out better because they were from Long Island.
25
00:01:48.059 --> 00:01:48.300
You know,
26
00:01:48.340 --> 00:01:50.747
instead of looking at what they were doing and learning from it,
27
00:01:51.209 --> 00:01:53.656
we just chalked it on up into a lose column.
28
00:01:54.276 --> 00:01:56.036
We didn't even know we were keeping track of yet.
29
00:01:56.777 --> 00:01:59.036
Each one of the guys in the band took this way differently.
30
00:02:00.237 --> 00:02:00.619
Brian,
31
00:02:01.101 --> 00:02:02.629
the most optimistic among us,
32
00:02:03.132 --> 00:02:03.816
didn't take notes.
33
00:02:04.739 --> 00:02:07.016
I don't think I thought about stuff like that back then.
34
00:02:07.538 --> 00:02:12.195
I just was going for it and going with it and not really thinking too much into it.
35
00:02:12.736 --> 00:02:13.355
And why would he?
36
00:02:14.268 --> 00:02:14.451
I mean,
37
00:02:14.451 --> 00:02:16.758
this was literally the very first time any of us,
38
00:02:17.320 --> 00:02:18.443
the headliner included,
39
00:02:19.105 --> 00:02:20.128
had done anything like this.
40
00:02:21.851 --> 00:02:24.188
We had zero frame of reference at this point.
41
00:02:25.068 --> 00:02:29.508
The bar of expectations was still sitting on the ground like a dropped limbo stick.
42
00:02:30.669 --> 00:02:31.187
Mac knew it.
43
00:02:31.688 --> 00:02:35.228
I went to a show and I played my bass and I occasionally sold merch.
44
00:02:35.569 --> 00:02:37.187
And I drove the van when need be.
45
00:02:38.290 --> 00:02:39.208
Absolute bare minimum.
46
00:02:40.119 --> 00:02:59.615
so the bar to be met is like did you successfully play each song which is like yeah we can do that that's it and that really was it if all they were going to do was simply show up each night town after town and play all their songs correctly it
47
00:02:59.635 --> 00:03:07.335
was not going to be enough you know pete started to notice a difference between the two bands as well at some points we were like a runaway train
48
00:03:08.491 --> 00:03:14.808
whereas those guys had their set figured out and transitions figured out between songs.
49
00:03:15.412 --> 00:03:16.768
They had their set down cold.
50
00:03:17.548 --> 00:03:19.134
John was semi-aware of it,
51
00:03:19.234 --> 00:03:23.228
but didn't really have the foresight yet to do anything about it.
52
00:03:23.969 --> 00:03:26.988
Our band was missing this thing that they had.
53
00:03:27.168 --> 00:03:29.113
When you're presented with problems like that,
54
00:03:29.494 --> 00:03:35.368
you could make decisions that will change your situation one way or the other,
55
00:03:35.448 --> 00:03:36.867
but I didn't have the information yet.
56
00:03:37.623 --> 00:03:40.731
So I was already thinking a specific way about it,
57
00:03:40.911 --> 00:03:44.440
but I still didn't have the experience to make good decisions.
58
00:03:45.141 --> 00:03:46.645
While the tour was heading west,
59
00:03:47.367 --> 00:03:49.794
we decided to head back home to get jobs,
60
00:03:50.315 --> 00:03:51.920
while the other band continued on.
61
00:03:52.260 --> 00:03:52.682
Back then,
62
00:03:52.702 --> 00:03:53.907
we didn't have a booking agent,
63
00:03:53.947 --> 00:03:57.380
so we were actually only booked on the first five days of that tour.
64
00:03:58.020 --> 00:03:58.301
And they,
65
00:03:58.321 --> 00:03:58.823
of course,
66
00:03:58.904 --> 00:04:01.775
had to call us out in front of everybody,
67
00:04:02.377 --> 00:04:03.160
live on stage.
68
00:04:16.092 --> 00:04:16.313
I mean,
69
00:04:16.353 --> 00:04:18.076
I thought we were already doing the damn job.
70
00:04:20.319 --> 00:04:22.396
The headliner absolutely killed it that night.
71
00:04:23.517 --> 00:04:27.436
It was my first experience of seeing that cliche of lightning in a bottle.
72
00:04:28.617 --> 00:04:34.196
It's a hell of a thing to actually feel the energy of a room shift and turn electric.
73
00:04:35.471 --> 00:04:41.828
It was right then and there I knew that this band had it because you could just feel it.
74
00:04:43.154 --> 00:04:44.127
You could feel it in the air.
75
00:04:45.868 --> 00:04:49.137
The final night of tour is a night that you cannot anticipate,
76
00:04:49.879 --> 00:04:52.928
but also is one that you have to prepare for.
77
00:04:54.650 --> 00:04:55.134
Otherwise,
78
00:04:55.194 --> 00:04:57.228
things can get messy.
79
00:05:01.720 --> 00:05:03.367
And while in a midwestern college town,
80
00:05:03.367 --> 00:05:06.829
the only thing you really can do is to just keep drinking and drinking.
81
00:05:07.416 --> 00:05:11.034
Especially if you had just rolled your ankle in a parking lot while playing frisbee,
82
00:05:11.355 --> 00:05:13.492
which is exactly what Mac had just done.
83
00:05:14.076 --> 00:05:17.935
And of course walking now became a huge struggle for him.
84
00:05:24.317 --> 00:05:27.552
Good thing we walked only a few miles that night.
85
00:05:28.372 --> 00:05:33.192
Maxolution was to drink enough that he would just simply forget about his ankle.
86
00:05:35.973 --> 00:05:37.558
Being the wonderful friends that we are,
87
00:05:38.200 --> 00:05:41.992
John was making sure that I filmed as much of this spectacle as possible.
88
00:05:55.629 --> 00:05:58.924
And this entire spectacle was 20 people.
89
00:06:02.426 --> 00:06:03.830
When you're rolling with 20 people,
90
00:06:03.911 --> 00:06:08.084
there is this certain invincibility that comes along with what you're doing.
91
00:06:09.187 --> 00:06:11.984
You really can get away with anything.
92
00:06:13.285 --> 00:06:13.466
Well,
93
00:06:15.300 --> 00:06:15.904
almost anything.
94
00:06:24.290 --> 00:06:24.971
A month later,
95
00:06:24.991 --> 00:06:26.815
in June of 2004,
96
00:06:26.815 --> 00:06:30.922
right around the time John Kerry couldn't stop flip-flopping around in his flip-flops,
97
00:06:31.503 --> 00:06:34.108
we found ourselves at the Troubadour.
98
00:06:34.877 --> 00:06:34.998
The
99
00:06:35.663 --> 00:06:36.308
Troubadour.
100
00:06:37.410 --> 00:06:37.651
You know,
101
00:06:37.671 --> 00:06:41.268
the same place Elton John destroyed people's minds back in 1970,
102
00:06:41.508 --> 00:06:41.750
which,
103
00:06:42.252 --> 00:06:43.198
are you ready for this one,
104
00:06:43.560 --> 00:06:44.807
was over 50 years ago.
105
00:06:45.408 --> 00:06:50.528
The same place where the Byrds met on a Monday night open mic and played Tambourine Man for the first time.
106
00:06:50.848 --> 00:06:50.969
Oh,
107
00:06:50.949 --> 00:06:51.170
you know,
108
00:06:51.150 --> 00:06:52.035
the same place that
109
00:06:52.699 --> 00:06:54.308
Poco, late from a Denver gig,
110
00:06:54.468 --> 00:06:59.168
arrived to find an unknown comic Steve Martin doing their songs on a banjo to a rapturous crowd.
111
00:06:59.588 --> 00:06:59.831
You know,
112
00:06:59.831 --> 00:07:00.663
the same place that...
113
00:07:01.432 --> 00:07:03.068
I'm just reading the website at this point.
114
00:07:04.001 --> 00:07:11.371
It was also the same place your humble narrator managed to film inside of nonstop the entire day and night without any of the staff noticing,
115
00:07:11.931 --> 00:07:13.654
only to later find out that filming is
116
00:07:13.994 --> 00:07:18.140
1000% not allowed inside that place at all.
117
00:07:18.840 --> 00:07:19.461
And finally,
118
00:07:19.802 --> 00:07:31.800
it was also on that very same stage where Mac's sunburned flesh was slowly peeling off under his shirt while John's monitor on stage failed him and he couldn't hear shit.
119
00:07:32.347 --> 00:07:33.259
That was a hard show.
120
00:07:33.625 --> 00:07:33.947
I mean,
121
00:07:34.067 --> 00:07:36.940
Mac was sunburned to hell.
122
00:07:37.621 --> 00:07:37.803
Like,
123
00:07:37.803 --> 00:07:39.120
he was basically in hell.
124
00:07:39.240 --> 00:07:40.259
He was so sunburned.
125
00:07:47.570 --> 00:07:47.899
Sorry.
126
00:07:51.063 --> 00:07:56.540
That was John's attempt at helping Mac simply clothe himself for the show.
127
00:07:57.302 --> 00:07:58.778
All I was thinking was...
128
00:08:00.227 --> 00:08:05.221
I am sloughing off thick layers of fried skin and it hurts a lot.
129
00:08:05.782 --> 00:08:10.072
I can barely concentrate on what I'm supposed to play let alone smiling.
130
00:08:11.547 --> 00:08:16.439
I was having an inner mental breakdown because for some reason,
131
00:08:16.700 --> 00:08:18.083
something on the stage,
132
00:08:18.123 --> 00:08:19.790
the way that monitors are arranged,
133
00:08:20.191 --> 00:08:21.537
it might be like a phase issue.
134
00:08:21.597 --> 00:08:22.279
I don't know the deal,
135
00:08:22.360 --> 00:08:25.873
but basically it just sounds like you're playing in a different key.
136
00:08:26.436 --> 00:08:33.422
So then you try to go in and sing and it sounds like you're like a third down from the real place where you're supposed to be.
137
00:08:33.803 --> 00:08:34.446
And you just like,
138
00:08:34.487 --> 00:08:35.653
can't get back on track.
139
00:08:36.337 --> 00:08:36.720
And you're like,
140
00:08:36.740 --> 00:08:37.364
what the fuck?
141
00:08:37.859 --> 00:08:38.888
what key is this in?
142
00:08:38.928 --> 00:08:39.050
Like,
143
00:08:39.050 --> 00:08:40.048
what does this sound like?
144
00:08:40.068 --> 00:08:41.268
What does music sound like?
145
00:08:41.428 --> 00:08:41.709
I mean,
146
00:08:41.870 --> 00:08:47.648
we couldn't have looked more out of place and stupid if we tried.
147
00:08:48.048 --> 00:08:50.968
And that was basically happening to me the entire show.
148
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We're a real band.
149
00:08:52.208 --> 00:08:53.548
We have a real record coming out.
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00:08:53.608 --> 00:08:54.947
And the entire label was there.
151
00:08:55.329 --> 00:09:00.928
You would think that if anyone had bet on us at that point,
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00:09:01.839 --> 00:09:02.684
They would have been like,
153
00:09:02.765 --> 00:09:03.912
this is not a good look.
154
00:09:04.314 --> 00:09:05.602
I'm sure Ryan and Pete were like,
155
00:09:05.622 --> 00:09:05.904
yeah,
156
00:09:05.904 --> 00:09:07.112
this is fucking great guys.
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00:09:08.173 --> 00:09:10.692
Because they're in a different universe.
158
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I didn't think it was bad.
159
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Yeah,
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I mean,
161
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that show was amazing.
162
00:09:16.192 --> 00:09:18.451
The place just has an aura about it.
163
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It's the true door.
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There is this blink and miss it moment I captured that night between John and the tour manager of one of the other bands we were on the road with.
165
00:09:29.761 --> 00:09:31.240
This guy had been doing it for a while.
166
00:09:31.521 --> 00:09:33.386
They're discussing the end of tour and,
167
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you know,
168
00:09:33.687 --> 00:09:34.709
what are you going to do next,
169
00:09:34.749 --> 00:09:38.620
which becomes a staple of small talk at the end of every tour.
170
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John responds to what's next with a quick,
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we're done,
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we can take it easy.
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The other tour manager looks blankly at John for a drunken split second and says,
174
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it's never done.
175
00:09:52.571 --> 00:09:54.456
He was on the other side of the event horizon,
176
00:09:55.218 --> 00:09:56.481
stuck inside the fame gap,
177
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forever on tour,
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00:09:59.628 --> 00:10:02.868
living a life much less glamorous than people imagine.
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00:10:04.366 --> 00:10:05.269
And our greenhorn,
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naive,
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20-year-old know-it-all egos had no idea what we were looking at.
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Later that night,
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the band he was working for was self-destructing on the sidewalk.
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Oddly enough,
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this all unfolded at the exact same moment someone dragging a life-size cross walked past the troop.
186
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Before we left the venue,
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00:10:32.245 --> 00:10:34.495
their merch guy came bounding up to the van window.
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You know,
189
00:10:43.477 --> 00:10:44.239
we said our goodbyes,
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00:10:44.279 --> 00:10:49.675
which were always followed up with obliviously empty promises to call one another and meet up again sometime.
191
00:11:02.998 --> 00:11:05.315
Ever been overwhelmed by the logistics of merch on tour?
192
00:11:05.815 --> 00:11:11.115
I remember a chaotic night trying to keep everything organized while the crowd was surrounding the merch table.
193
00:11:11.395 --> 00:11:14.262
As I scrambled to find the right size t-shirts for everyone,
194
00:11:14.363 --> 00:11:19.215
I realized we were completely sold out of all of our most popular shirts.
195
00:11:19.955 --> 00:11:20.156
Okay,
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00:11:20.257 --> 00:11:23.050
now imagine you're managing merch for an arena show.
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How do you make that leap?
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00:11:24.735 --> 00:11:28.675
Manhead Merch is the powerhouse behind some of the biggest names in the industry.
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They offer a full suite of services.
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Horring,
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e-commerce,
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retail,
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00:11:33.810 --> 00:11:34.594
and licensing.
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00:11:35.017 --> 00:11:36.532
Tailored for top tier tailoring.
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00:11:37.337 --> 00:11:38.341
They take care of everything,
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from design and manufacturing to seamless order fulfillment.
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00:11:41.936 --> 00:11:45.493
Ensuring your merch game is as polished as your performance.
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00:11:46.077 --> 00:11:48.835
Manhead Merch transforms chaos into streamlined success.
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00:11:49.619 --> 00:11:52.654
They manage every aspect of merchandising so you don't have to.
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If I would have had Manhead Merch back then,
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00:11:55.282 --> 00:11:56.646
they would have handled the logistics,
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00:11:57.167 --> 00:11:58.310
and I could have handled that crowd.
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Ready to take your band's merch to the next level?
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Visit manheadmerch.com
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The drive back to our friend's house,
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I'm pretty sure all the booze I had to drink that night just hit me all at once.
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I couldn't stop narrating.
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00:12:11.724 --> 00:12:11.998
Let's see.
219
00:12:12.223 --> 00:12:13.923
I'm gonna say I got just a shiny cedar.
220
00:12:14.888 --> 00:12:15.443
I'm gonna get it.
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There it is.
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See this Chinese?
223
00:12:19.704 --> 00:12:21.103
That's the Chinese theater right there.
224
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That's where all the stuff happens.
225
00:12:23.143 --> 00:12:24.754
All the famous movie stars go there,
226
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and they watch their own movies there.
227
00:12:26.584 --> 00:12:27.711
And they rent out the building,
228
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and they go in to sing out with their parents and their families.
229
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And they go in,
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and they watch their movies.
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And they go in,
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and they discuss their movies.
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And they have cheese crackers at the end of movies.
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And it's very entertaining.
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I can't go there because I am not a movie star.
236
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I was a kid in a candy store,
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drunk on Hollywood and spirits.
238
00:12:45.607 --> 00:12:49.363
The drinking and what have you kept right on going that night once we got to our friend's house.
239
00:12:49.843 --> 00:12:57.043
Because despite their performance at one of the most famous venues in all of rock and roll history,
240
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not really going as planned,
241
00:13:00.719 --> 00:13:01.543
nobody gave a shit.
242
00:13:02.323 --> 00:13:02.524
I mean,
243
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looking back across that entire tour,
244
00:13:05.296 --> 00:13:06.743
how could we not celebrate?
245
00:13:08.219 --> 00:13:11.010
I mean finishing our first quote real tour,
246
00:13:11.652 --> 00:13:20.527
it took us across the US to places that were new to all of us and the Headliner was a band that was well established and known to all of us.
247
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We went to venues more famous than the bands that were even in them.
248
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I mean man,
249
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all these odd years later,
250
00:13:29.914 --> 00:13:31.138
we deserved that celebration.
251
00:13:31.823 --> 00:13:33.738
I just wish we hadn't let off the gas so soon.
252
00:13:40.606 --> 00:13:41.432
The day after the show,
253
00:13:41.452 --> 00:13:42.399
the guys had a photoshoot.
254
00:13:43.579 --> 00:13:48.339
Mac was still mostly immobile with a sunburn that was now turning purple.
255
00:13:56.142 --> 00:14:03.399
And the photographer was horribly disinterested and honestly just seemed so annoyed to be doing what he was doing.
256
00:14:04.422 --> 00:14:07.399
Just another lost soul stuck inside the Fame Cat.
257
00:14:13.835 --> 00:14:15.563
We had nothing but time on our hands now.
258
00:14:16.524 --> 00:14:18.683
And the guys had already recorded album number one.
259
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It was mixed,
260
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mastered,
261
00:14:20.991 --> 00:14:23.623
and just waiting for its release date to arrive.
262
00:14:24.284 --> 00:14:26.983
And with no more tour dates scheduled in the immediate future,
263
00:14:27.584 --> 00:14:29.416
we meandered eastward,
264
00:14:29.516 --> 00:14:30.583
just back home.
265
00:14:32.085 --> 00:14:33.190
We spent that summer of
266
00:14:35.147 --> 00:14:35.713
doing nothing,
267
00:14:36.037 --> 00:14:36.340
actually.
268
00:14:37.145 --> 00:14:38.460
I might have delivered some pizzas.
269
00:14:39.300 --> 00:14:42.980
John and Mac put in some hours at the coffee shop our friends had recently opened.
270
00:14:43.581 --> 00:14:46.800
We were really just killing time until the album released that August.
271
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It's crazy that the band had two straight months with nothing booked.
272
00:14:54.422 --> 00:14:54.664
You know,
273
00:14:54.664 --> 00:14:57.660
and not like two months in the dead of winter.
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It was the two months,
275
00:15:00.153 --> 00:15:00.737
summer months,
276
00:15:00.797 --> 00:15:01.220
mind you,
277
00:15:02.226 --> 00:15:04.520
the two months before their album came out.
278
00:15:05.884 --> 00:15:14.315
You're not gonna generate any buzz for your band besides some coffee buzz working at this marvelous exotic coffee shop in your hometown.
279
00:15:15.500 --> 00:15:16.325
That summer was...
280
00:15:17.592 --> 00:15:18.437
it was nice.
281
00:15:19.000 --> 00:15:20.114
Almost too nice.
282
00:15:21.464 --> 00:15:21.765
I mean,
283
00:15:21.785 --> 00:15:25.360
we were riding high as kites being back there.
284
00:15:26.316 --> 00:15:26.518
I mean,
285
00:15:26.558 --> 00:15:30.665
toss in a record release show for that hometown crowd,
286
00:15:31.106 --> 00:15:37.396
and you've got yourself disaster and disappointment just waiting to attack.
287
00:15:40.701 --> 00:15:40.922
Oh,
288
00:15:40.922 --> 00:15:42.124
an attack they did.
289
00:15:43.206 --> 00:15:45.329
It wasn't until like six months later,
290
00:15:45.570 --> 00:15:49.476
but it happened in early 2005.
291
00:15:50.226 --> 00:15:51.088
A friend of John,
292
00:15:51.168 --> 00:15:55.638
who the rest of us only knew via very bizarre IM chats,
293
00:15:56.420 --> 00:15:58.384
had also started a band.
294
00:15:58.884 --> 00:16:02.319
Their first proper album came out only two weeks before ours,
295
00:16:02.479 --> 00:16:03.604
or the band's.
296
00:16:04.184 --> 00:16:07.473
By the time our bands finally hit the road together,
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00:16:08.174 --> 00:16:09.939
their album already had this,
298
00:16:10.200 --> 00:16:10.440
like,
299
00:16:10.901 --> 00:16:11.884
gravity to it.
300
00:16:12.225 --> 00:16:13.911
Like a warp drive from Star Trek,
301
00:16:13.951 --> 00:16:17.304
where it shrinks the mass in front of the ship and expands it in the back,
302
00:16:17.404 --> 00:16:18.944
so you just kind of get pushed through space.
303
00:16:20.480 --> 00:16:22.790
That record's mojo was already in the air.
304
00:16:24.236 --> 00:16:26.608
Sound guys at venues were using it to sound check the speakers,
305
00:16:27.231 --> 00:16:28.739
other bands were talking about it,
306
00:16:29.061 --> 00:16:29.685
asking each other,
307
00:16:29.725 --> 00:16:30.470
have you heard it yet?
308
00:16:31.476 --> 00:16:36.934
What happened in Virginia Beach in early 2005 shouldn't have been a surprise to anyone,
309
00:16:37.676 --> 00:16:38.125
but it was.
310
00:16:38.676 --> 00:16:39.982
Because suddenly in Virginia Beach,
311
00:16:40.605 --> 00:16:41.972
there was no room for anyone.
312
00:16:42.896 --> 00:16:45.085
There was no room for anyone and everyone,
313
00:16:46.069 --> 00:16:47.856
I mean everyone.
314
00:16:49.093 --> 00:16:52.588
suddenly knew all of the words to all of their songs.
315
00:16:52.908 --> 00:16:54.667
I feel like people were kind of watching us,
316
00:16:55.871 --> 00:16:58.248
but then they came out and it was just like,
317
00:16:59.631 --> 00:17:03.808
like they rushed the stage and people were just losing their minds.
318
00:17:04.669 --> 00:17:07.528
People were naturally gravitating forward towards the lights,
319
00:17:07.649 --> 00:17:08.876
towards the sounds,
320
00:17:09.178 --> 00:17:10.667
towards the source of all of it.
321
00:17:12.587 --> 00:17:18.804
And the tiny scene girls in the front were either getting crushed into the stage or popping up and onto the stage
322
00:17:19.465 --> 00:17:20.617
Knocking into the mic stands
323
00:17:21.667 --> 00:17:25.955
The band was pleading for people to back down back up
324
00:17:37.890 --> 00:17:40.268
We were in awe of what was taking place in front of us.
325
00:17:40.368 --> 00:17:41.207
We couldn't believe it.
326
00:17:41.468 --> 00:17:41.710
I mean,
327
00:17:42.779 --> 00:17:43.748
how was this happening?
328
00:17:44.470 --> 00:17:49.428
They were willing to take a lot of risks in what they were doing.
329
00:17:49.868 --> 00:17:52.588
And with risk comes reward.
330
00:17:54.050 --> 00:17:55.255
In those shows to come,
331
00:17:55.818 --> 00:17:58.248
the crowd steadily grew each night.
332
00:17:58.928 --> 00:18:01.688
And the fans showing up got louder and louder.
333
00:18:02.568 --> 00:18:06.808
With the opening notes of the set sending the crowd into a frenzy.
334
00:18:09.001 --> 00:18:12.196
All of this energy pushed them right to the edge of the fame gap.
335
00:18:13.138 --> 00:18:15.028
And at the end of that tour on the final night,
336
00:18:15.692 --> 00:18:16.376
they crossed it.
337
00:18:17.998 --> 00:18:21.216
And the band that they were blipped out of existence.
338
00:18:22.738 --> 00:18:26.696
And the band that they were going to be showed up and sold the place out.
339
00:18:28.561 --> 00:18:38.620
The Stone Pony show started out with this damn burst of positive energy that in its wake left the guys vulnerable in a way that they had never felt before.
340
00:18:39.821 --> 00:18:40.483
In the moment,
341
00:18:40.604 --> 00:18:41.446
of course,
342
00:18:41.767 --> 00:18:43.854
no one was saying this or fully aware of it,
343
00:18:44.396 --> 00:18:45.740
but it was hanging in the air.
344
00:18:46.680 --> 00:18:51.540
There were more odd moments of awkward silence and things to complain about than ever before.
345
00:18:52.582 --> 00:18:56.980
My memory of being backstage that night is clouded with nervous energy.
346
00:18:57.529 --> 00:18:57.876
It was...
347
00:18:58.323 --> 00:19:05.620
quite possibly the exact moment the band was directly in the middle of this fame gap,
348
00:19:06.001 --> 00:19:13.080
where they were both simultaneously as close to and as far away from achieving their goal as they ever would be.
349
00:19:14.440 --> 00:19:15.767
And over the next few years,
350
00:19:16.230 --> 00:19:17.960
instead of getting stuck in that gap,
351
00:19:18.540 --> 00:19:22.920
they discovered a third option that they would repeatedly flirt with over and over.
352
00:19:23.823 --> 00:19:25.976
pulling the rib cord before it's too late,
353
00:19:26.416 --> 00:19:30.336
before you're stuck in this endless cycle of booking a tour,
354
00:19:30.797 --> 00:19:31.361
going out,
355
00:19:31.543 --> 00:19:33.156
racking up debt to your eyeballs,
356
00:19:33.376 --> 00:19:34.427
then going back home,
357
00:19:34.488 --> 00:19:35.296
living with your parents,
358
00:19:35.456 --> 00:19:36.364
paying off your debt,
359
00:19:36.767 --> 00:19:37.312
all the while,
360
00:19:37.373 --> 00:19:37.756
I don't know,
361
00:19:37.876 --> 00:19:41.556
nursing one working kidney and a really horrible cigarette addiction.
362
00:19:42.338 --> 00:19:42.980
But for now,
363
00:19:44.404 --> 00:19:48.416
the party of tour was just getting started.
364
00:19:57.734 --> 00:20:00.072
Even If It Kills Me is a Fang Workshop production.
365
00:20:00.792 --> 00:20:01.823
Written and narrated by me,
366
00:20:01.823 --> 00:20:02.632
Aaron Joy.
367
00:20:03.532 --> 00:20:05.172
Produced by John Lulo and Brendan Walter.
368
00:20:05.896 --> 00:20:10.128
Featuring original music by Alex Dozen and original theme song by Matt McKinley.
