Finding Balance Through Emotional Intelligence

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Welcome to Emotion Well,

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EFR’s podcast about all things
related to emotional well-being.

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I'm Johanna Dunlevy,

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the EAP Operations Director for Employee
& Family Resources, also known as EFR,

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and I'm the host of our podcast. As an FYI,

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EFR is located in Des Moines, Iowa,
and we are Iowa's first employee

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assistance program and provide a variety of services

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you can learn more about at

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www.efr.org.

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Hello, Ernest.

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It's nice to have you on Emotion Well.

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Hello. How are you doing today?

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I'm doing well.

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I'm excited
to introduce you to our listeners.

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This is Ernest Phillips.

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He is with Relationship
Wealth Enterprises.

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And,
I have just kind of come across Ernest’s

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good work online,

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and he seems like someone
who I want to interview for this podcast.

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So here you are.

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And thank you
for accepting the invitation.

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Thank you very much.

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I like when people find me interesting.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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And I also think it's more interesting
when, my guests introduce

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themselves versus me reading like a
three minute scripted bio.

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So, tell our listeners
a little bit about yourself,

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and this can be anything
you want to share.

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Oh, wow. Okay. A little bit about myself.

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My top values

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are love, truth, respect, and humor.

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And I bring those to everything that I do.

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I know that
if I can find those in the world,

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or if I can share those into the world,
my day is better.

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And I learned,
what those are by taking a tool

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called the values fingerprint,

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which you can take, you can go to

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www.valuesfingerprint.com.

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And it is a really neat tool
that starts with over I think it's over

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400 values and gets you down to your top
ten core values.

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And I use those to guide me.

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And how I connect to others.

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I find out what their values are.

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In my work, my work is

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I do emotional intelligence
coaching and training,

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and I serve a few different areas,
you know, for the corporate,

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an organization,
I do a lot of leadership training.

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And it's really values
leadership training.

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And then I also do

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universal currency
for sales and customer service.

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For those of you
who have never seen my YouTube channel,

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universal currency
is anything that benefits someone.

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And the more we are better at recognizing

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universal currency and receiving it
in, the better off we are.

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I mean, we've all heard the phrase
it's better to give than receive,

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but if you're not receiving,
then you're probably

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rejecting a lot of the good
that's coming your way.

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Absolutely.

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So, I do that.

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And then,
and then I also use the value fingerprint

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with the financial advisor world and,

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and they use the value fingerprint
to better connect with their clients

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and be able to build a wealth plan
based upon

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a person's, actual values.

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Yeah.

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In my spare time,

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my spare time.

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I'm an author.

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I've got another book,

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hopefully coming out this January
on receiving universal currency.

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I do speaking,
and I play a card game called Euchre.

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And I love the game of golf.

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You do, you play euchre?

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You know how to play euchre?

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I do.

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No way. Ernest, it's like
the only card game I know how to play.

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We play. Well I know how to play solitaire.

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I’ve got a group that we play almost weekly.

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Okay, so I'm from northeast Iowa
and Euchre was a very popular card

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game up there,

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and I find that not many people,
especially like in our age

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group, know how to play euchre.

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It feels like maybe an older person's

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game, like you know something,
maybe your grandparents would have played.

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But I remember playing it
and I don't really play it anymore.

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But I know how to play it and I enjoy it.

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And other than solitaire,
which I feel like everyone

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kind of knows how to play solitaire,
that's my game.

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I love this.

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That's such a fun fact.

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This is my favorite part of the podcast.

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When little things come out
that I wasn't anticipating.

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We did.

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We have a, we have a euchre group that,

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it is all designed around
just humor and fun.

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I love it.

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We, some nights
we can play, you know, five, six games,

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and then other nights we can only get
through 2 or 3 because we're all talking

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and telling stories
and sharing about our lives.

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But no, we do.

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We play almost weekly.

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I love it, I love it. Good to know.

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And my last question
before we really dig into values

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and universal currency is is Superman
your favorite superhero?

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No. Okay.

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So tell me about the shirt because I’ve seen
you wear this in other videos.

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Yes, so I wear the Superman shirt
because my superpower

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is receiving universal currency
and I receive it from everywhere.

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If I'm driving and I don't get into a car
accident, that's universal currency.

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I receive it from everywhere.

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And it's my superpower,
and it's a superpower that I share

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with other people
and our Kryptonite is how easy

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we reject the good that comes our way.

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The, the number one way people
reject is a compliment.

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If you are dating a good guy

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and the guy says, wow,
you look nice today,

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and you're like, oh, well, no,

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you have just rejected universal currency.

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And it is a Kryptonite that,
I share with others to

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How to overcome that Kryptonite.

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So I, I love where we're going with this,
and I,

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we're kind of jumping ahead
because I wasn't going to get to

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universal currency for a little bit,
but I just feel like it's a good

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time to segue there.

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I I've done it.

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I think a lot of people have done it.

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Everyone does. You receive a compliment,
and it may be a compliment about something

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you've accomplished at work
or an academic achievement,

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or a physical achievement, or,
you know, your appearance or I do it a lot

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with, I'll get complimented
on, you know, something I made for dinner

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and then I'll sometimes say,
oh, yeah, but,

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you know,
I could have been a little spicier.

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Maybe it's a little too salty.

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And so why do you think we are almost
like compliment adverse like we,

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we as humans, our natural instinct is
to not embrace that because

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we should love.

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I mean,
who doesn't love a good compliment?

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You know, is it is it
do you think is tied to vulnerability?

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I think there's some vulnerability to it.

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I would say one of the biggest things,
and it's definitely a cultural

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there's cultural differences.

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Okay.

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I will say, so I’ll speak in America,

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we are, very driven
by avoiding the big mistake.

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And one of the biggest things
that no one likes to be called

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is arrogant.

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And if you are receiving these compliments

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too much, it's easy for people to see

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Yeah. Arrogance.

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We are far more accustomed
to downplaying ourselves

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in our country as an acceptable, protocol

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than actually seeing ourselves as worthy.

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A person that sees themselves accurately,

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their good and their bad,
is actually the definition of humility.

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But what we call humility is,
oh no, no, no, I didn't do that or no.

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And that's not actually humility.

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That's actually under
the auspices of pride

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is when we refuse to receive that.

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It's also one of

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those
things that it's a controlling factor.

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Yeah.

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And so we want to control and control

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and it is more and it's
one of my tug tips,

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it is more difficult to receive
than it is to give.

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When you're giving you are in power.

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You are in control. You get to do.

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But when you're receiving it's
all of those things.

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And I will also say also in America
we have absolutely conditioned women

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more so than men to not be beautiful,

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to not say you are any of those things

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for the fear of being seen

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as one of the people that thinks too
highly of themselves.

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Yeah.

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Which is it's interesting
because in the world of social media,

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and if you scroll through LinkedIn
or Facebook or Instagram,

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it's almost like what you observe
is the opposite.

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Like there's a lot of self-promotion
and a lot of selfies and a lot of

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“look at me”
or I've noticed, especially on LinkedIn,

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which is the only social platform
I'm regularly on.

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Yeah,
there will be like a really nice, story

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or a lesson to be shared, but it often
is accompanied by a selfie of someone.

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And I'm always like that's interesting.

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Like is
and and I don't know like sometimes

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it makes me wonder like,
was this about sharing your picture,

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or was this about sharing your message.

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And, and it's just, you know,
because like you said, we're sometimes

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conditioned
to not think or boast about ourselves or,

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you know, accept those compliments
as they come in.

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Yet sometimes,
you know, the observation might be made

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that people are wanting that
or they're comfortable doing that.

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So I just
I think it's a strange dichotomy.

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I think for a lot of those people,

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they are searching for the compliments.

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And so they're doing that self-promotion.

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So someone will give them the compliment.

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The irony is, when they are then given
the compliment, they will often reject it.

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“Oh no. Yeah.”

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“No, that's you don't have to say that.”

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Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
“Oh that's just what I do.”

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“Oh I didn't really do anything.”

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“Oh that's just my job.” “Oh, oh, oh.” Yes.

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Yeah. Yes. That’s interesting.

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Well so we're going to talk more
about universal currency.

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But I want to start with values because
at the beginning you introduced yourself

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and you introduced yourself by stating,
I think you listed four values.

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I did. And I noticed
that humor was one of them.

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And when you were describing
your euchre group,

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you said, “and it's fun and,
you know, it's humor based”

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and I love that because it kind of ties
a hobby back to one of your values.

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So I want to just ask the question,

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do you believe people's values
change over time?

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So if I were to go to the valuesfingerprint.com
and take my values, in 2008.

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Compared to, you know, 2025,
do you think there would be

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some similar core values
and then some would change?

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Like do you think people's values change
and evolve as life changes and evolves?

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The answer is sort of a yes or a no.

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The no is your core
values really don't change. Okay.

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They've been there for a long time.

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So the theory of values,
goes something like this.

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So your core values are embedded in you
at birth.

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They are just whatever it is, who you are.

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You have a core set of values,
and those really don't change over time.

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What changes is the learned values
and your situational values.

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Your learned values
are the ones that you have

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adopted along the way
because of something.

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You, for example,

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If you are someone who grew up

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poor, financial independence is a value
you have learned.

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If you have been, if you're someone

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who has been lied to or cheated
multiple times where it’s traumatic,

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then fidelity might be a value
that you have now learned.

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And then there are the temporary
and the situational values.

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These are the ones that most people
are actually working from.

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These are the ones that are
what are the things that I need to do

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today or in this moment? I'm in a meeting.

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So my value needs to be aggressiveness

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or my value needs to be leadership or

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whatever it is that day.

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And the further
you go from your core values,

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the less likely it's sustainable,
and also the less likely it's

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going to have meaning
and that power behind it.

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I have done I've worked with values
for the duration of my coaching.

243
00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:50,536
So you're looking
at about 20 years of this and

244
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:52,705
and when you learn what

245
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:56,642
your values are
and it's one of those great things that,

246
00:12:56,642 --> 00:13:01,180
if you are getting 2
or 3 of your top values every day,

247
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:05,251
your life becomes amazing

248
00:13:05,484 --> 00:13:07,920
and then you start to build your world
around it.

249
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:12,124
So my friends,
all the people that I play euchre with,

250
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:16,162
they have shared values of humor, respect.

251
00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:20,599
If we have those two things,
we're going to get along just fine.

252
00:13:20,599 --> 00:13:21,133
Yeah.

253
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:24,136
And and so,

254
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:27,773
and a long time ago,
actually, it's for my 40th birthday party,

255
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:31,544
I had, almost 100 people

256
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,680
in one place, celebrating

257
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:38,984
and they were all walks of life
from 21 to in their 80s.

258
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:43,889
But everybody in the room
shared the value of respect and humor,

259
00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,959
and it was one of the best days

260
00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:50,062
and times of my entire life,
because I did,

261
00:13:50,062 --> 00:13:54,767
I'm looking around at all
these different people of all backgrounds

262
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:59,371
and jobs and money
and upbringing and location,

263
00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:02,441
and everybody was getting along,
no matter who

264
00:14:02,441 --> 00:14:05,611
they talked with,
because of the shared values.

265
00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:10,549
Yeah, and that makes life fun
to me. Well and I think, you know,

266
00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:14,086
based on what your values are,
especially your core values,

267
00:14:14,086 --> 00:14:18,023
you're probably going to attract people
with similar values?

268
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:19,525
Very much so.

269
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:23,095
And so probably not a coincidence
that most of the people,

270
00:14:23,095 --> 00:14:26,599
if not all the people at that party
for you, had that value

271
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:29,602
of respect and humor.

272
00:14:30,002 --> 00:14:34,473
I think, I facilitate a self
care presentation on behalf of Employee

273
00:14:34,473 --> 00:14:37,042
& Family Resources,
you know, and most of the time

274
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:38,944
it's for the clients of ours
that have our benefits.

275
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:40,980
But sometimes it will be for an outside
organization.

276
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:45,618
And I always ask people to reflect on what
their values are, because self-care

277
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:48,821
is, you know, such an important part
of health and well-being.

278
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:52,358
And I think oftentimes people
find that it's optional, but I think it's

279
00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:56,195
absolutely necessary to do, you know,
do something for yourself every day.

280
00:14:56,195 --> 00:14:59,565
And that's going to look different, you
know, from day to day for the same person.

281
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,433
And it's going to look very different
from person to person.

282
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:03,569
But I always think, what are your values?

283
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:07,439
You know, and if you can identify, you
know, first you know what your values are.

284
00:15:07,439 --> 00:15:10,142
Then you can kind of identify
how you're spending your time.

285
00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:12,244
Because I think with self-care,
a lot of it comes down to

286
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:14,480
I don't have the time for that,
or I wish I had time for that,

287
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,282
or I can't find the time for that.

288
00:15:16,282 --> 00:15:18,017
And it's like, well, the time exists.

289
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:24,023
It just might not be, being used in a way
that is in alignment with your values.

290
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:24,423
Right?

291
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:27,559
And so, you mentioned
you do a lot of emotional intelligence

292
00:15:27,559 --> 00:15:31,497
coaching, and so I know what EQ is,
and I think a lot of people do.

293
00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:35,234
But for our listeners who might not know
what emotional intelligence is,

294
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:36,068
can you just give,

295
00:15:36,068 --> 00:15:39,939
you know, an elevator speech on like,
what is emotional intelligence

296
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:44,376
and why might it be something
that an individual

297
00:15:45,077 --> 00:15:48,514
would want to pursue,
you know, in a coaching environment?

298
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:49,682
Sure.

299
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:52,451
Emotional intelligence is

300
00:15:53,585 --> 00:15:54,687
is being able to

301
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:59,959
regulate yourself,
being able to take a choice

302
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:04,296
and make it powerful
where you're not reacting, you're not,

303
00:16:04,763 --> 00:16:08,367
just in the moment
where you're letting your feelings

304
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:12,271
make those determinations
because your feelings definitely vary.

305
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:16,508
And being able
to look at another individual

306
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:20,012
in a manner where you're able to

307
00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:24,416
intentionally connect to them
and intentionally be able

308
00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:29,321
to communicate a message,
that is emotional intelligence.

309
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:34,827
Being able to know yourself,
self-awareness is a big part of it.

310
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:36,628
Know yourself.

311
00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:40,432
Being able to lead yourself,
where you become

312
00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:45,204
independent
of the things you cannot control.

313
00:16:45,204 --> 00:16:46,238
Yeah.

314
00:16:46,238 --> 00:16:50,576
It becomes a powerful the studies,
behind emotional intelligence,

315
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:54,947
people who have a higher,
emotional intelligence are more likely

316
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:58,851
to get a job, keep a job, be promoted,

317
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:02,621
be released from prison and not go back.

318
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:06,892
More likely to overcome drug addiction.

319
00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:11,530
They, are more likely to have healthier
friendships, longer marriages.

320
00:17:11,797 --> 00:17:16,869
I mean, the studies are just extensive
because it really

321
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:21,373
is this universal key of human interaction.

322
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:24,209
And I've always found it interesting that,

323
00:17:25,444 --> 00:17:27,646
we really haven't done anything

324
00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:31,950
new with emotional intelligence
for about 15 years,

325
00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:36,055
when Daniel Goleman did
Emotional Intelligence 2.0.

326
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:39,391
And that's part of what relationship
wealth does.

327
00:17:39,591 --> 00:17:41,627
We answer three major questions:

328
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:44,363
Who are you really?

329
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:47,132
What do you really want?

330
00:17:47,132 --> 00:17:49,301
And then how to get it. Yeah.

331
00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:52,304
And that's why the website is

332
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:55,541
www.evolutionei.com

333
00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:59,044
So we are doing the evolution
of emotional intelligence.

334
00:17:59,044 --> 00:18:03,715
Where we're making it more practical,
more personal, more user friendly.

335
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:06,752
And going back
to what you were talking about

336
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,888
with the group,
so saying, oh, I don't have time for this.

337
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:15,727
One of the tug tips is you never have to
prioritize your true priorities.

338
00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:17,029
Yeah, that's.

339
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:20,032
Yeah, I like that.

340
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:24,436
My tribe, or my love, they come first.

341
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:27,372
I don't have a to do on my to do list

342
00:18:27,372 --> 00:18:30,943
Okay,
let's make sure I look out for my tribe.

343
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,880
No. No,
because you just look after your tribe,

344
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:39,318
like that is your priority. Because it is one of my highest
and most important priorities.

345
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,788
Do you ever put on your list, today

346
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,523
I think I want to be a good mom.

347
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:47,493
I think I need to do that.

348
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:48,260
Exactly.

349
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:49,261
Yeah.

350
00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:50,996
So whenever someone does.

351
00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:52,164
Oh, I don't have time.

352
00:18:52,164 --> 00:18:53,132
I mean, to go.

353
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,667
That wasn't a priority.

354
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:58,470
Or it is a priority in their mind,

355
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:01,573
but they haven't connected to the,

356
00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:06,378
the benefits or they have not connected
to the consequence of not doing it.

357
00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:08,514
Yeah, yeah.

358
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:10,149
It's funny
because when you mentioned the good mom

359
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,484
comment like, oh, today
I'm going to be a good mom,

360
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:16,088
I think about the times I have received
that as a compliment.

361
00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:20,559
Like, “you're a good mom”
and it's hard to accept that, isn't that.

362
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,662
It's just everything is coming
back to what we kind of started with,

363
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:28,267
with that universal currency of the things
that we allow ourselves to receive.

364
00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:30,602
Also going
now I'm kind of jumping around,

365
00:19:30,602 --> 00:19:32,771
but when you're talking about
universal currency,

366
00:19:32,771 --> 00:19:35,340
it's it's
easier for people to give than to receive

367
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,610
because you control what you're giving.

368
00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:43,515
And I think there's also people that
and maybe that's a value of theirs.

369
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:46,952
But also like
some people are just more natural givers.

370
00:19:47,452 --> 00:19:50,789
I think they're just more wired
in that way, like

371
00:19:51,156 --> 00:19:54,726
they're the caretakers or the givers
or the people that might be

372
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:59,097
heavily
involved in community volunteerism.

373
00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:02,100
Health and human services type.

374
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:05,070
You know, the work
I do at EFR, I'm around a lot of givers.

375
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:08,140
You know, I work with a lot of counselors,
social workers, people, and,

376
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:09,741
you know, doing community based services.

377
00:20:09,741 --> 00:20:12,578
And I just think about all the giving
that that, you know,

378
00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:15,747
some people are just drawn to and it's
probably part of their core values.

379
00:20:15,747 --> 00:20:18,217
And again, it's like something
they don't have to think about.

380
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:22,154
They don't have to prioritize that because
that's already a priority for them.

381
00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:24,823
It lives inside of them.

382
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,726
When you're coaching people.

383
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,796
So I'm getting back on track,
when when you're coaching

384
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:34,766
people around EQ, and I just
I was wondering,

385
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:39,605
what do you find is, is the greatest way
to motivate someone

386
00:20:40,272 --> 00:20:43,275
from where they are
to where they want to be.

387
00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:46,345
And you have a video
on YouTube about this, and

388
00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:48,013
I think it was about I'm
tired of being tired.

389
00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:51,783
It's kind of that mentality of like,
I'm tired of being tired, but

390
00:20:51,783 --> 00:20:56,755
how can people kind of
get to that realization

391
00:20:56,755 --> 00:21:00,859
that like, change is possible
and it can be sustainable,

392
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:05,931
and it's just like getting them
over that little,

393
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:09,501
that little curb or that lip or that,
you know, little barrier.

394
00:21:09,501 --> 00:21:10,269
Right?

395
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:13,438
So how do you approach that
when you're coaching someone especially

396
00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:17,776
like using emotional intelligence
as one of your techniques?

397
00:21:18,810 --> 00:21:19,645
This is a great

398
00:21:19,645 --> 00:21:23,782
question because for a very long time
I missed it

399
00:21:24,483 --> 00:21:27,452
and I did so many different things

400
00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:31,023
to attempt to do exactly what you said.

401
00:21:32,557 --> 00:21:34,893
And what I found out

402
00:21:34,893 --> 00:21:38,263
is there's really nothing

403
00:21:38,864 --> 00:21:42,534
I can do to get a person to do that.

404
00:21:42,901 --> 00:21:48,874
Yeah. They have to have,
some sense of willingness and openness.

405
00:21:49,374 --> 00:21:51,510
If that's not there,

406
00:21:51,510 --> 00:21:53,845
there's nothing I can do.

407
00:21:53,845 --> 00:21:58,250
If it is there, then momentum starts

408
00:21:58,250 --> 00:22:02,988
with giving them something immediately

409
00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:07,225
that they can grab,
that they have impact that feels good.

410
00:22:07,225 --> 00:22:10,195
That is good, that has an impact.

411
00:22:10,195 --> 00:22:13,231
Giving them something immediately.

412
00:22:13,532 --> 00:22:14,099
Yeah.

413
00:22:14,099 --> 00:22:18,937
And once we give that and they see that,
then I help them

414
00:22:19,271 --> 00:22:22,274
see that they have ownership over it.

415
00:22:22,274 --> 00:22:24,276
And that is the biggest thing.

416
00:22:24,276 --> 00:22:26,244
And that's why with all of my coaching,

417
00:22:26,244 --> 00:22:29,648
I start with ownership of what do you own,
what don't you own.

418
00:22:30,248 --> 00:22:32,150
And we own our choice.

419
00:22:33,151 --> 00:22:35,053
We own our intention

420
00:22:35,053 --> 00:22:38,824
of that choice, and then we own
how we execute that choice.

421
00:22:38,824 --> 00:22:41,827
Yeah, that's it.

422
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:44,763
Everything else is outside of our control.

423
00:22:44,763 --> 00:22:50,068
And as a friend of mine once said,
anything else is like trying to herd air.

424
00:22:50,635 --> 00:22:52,504
Yeah, you just can't.

425
00:22:52,504 --> 00:22:56,708
And no one feels good
when they are helpless.

426
00:22:57,275 --> 00:22:58,744
Right.

427
00:22:58,744 --> 00:23:03,482
That's just so when you're trying to
control something that you cannot control,

428
00:23:04,049 --> 00:23:07,419
it is directly associated
with feeling helpless.

429
00:23:07,552 --> 00:23:08,820
That's true.

430
00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:10,322
I mean, I think a lot of times in my life

431
00:23:10,322 --> 00:23:14,359
when I've tried to control
or over control,

432
00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:14,993
and a lot of it

433
00:23:14,993 --> 00:23:18,630
was because my life felt out of control,
you know, and it's funny because in

434
00:23:19,331 --> 00:23:22,501
there have been times in my life
where I've felt very out of control, maybe

435
00:23:22,501 --> 00:23:25,771
in my personal life, and then I try to
control more things at work.

436
00:23:26,938 --> 00:23:29,207
Or I noticed this when I was raising
my daughter.

437
00:23:29,207 --> 00:23:29,741
I look back at,

438
00:23:29,741 --> 00:23:32,911
you know, the first few years,
which I think are hard for any new parent.

439
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:36,581
And I was like parenting
under really challenging circumstances.

440
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:39,217
And I think about some of the things

441
00:23:39,217 --> 00:23:42,220
that I was trying to control
as it related to, you know,

442
00:23:43,288 --> 00:23:47,192
her birthday or,
you know, just like the little things.

443
00:23:47,192 --> 00:23:50,128
And I was like, oh,
that had nothing to do with her birthday.

444
00:23:50,128 --> 00:23:50,762
Nope.

445
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:53,131
Now I had everything to do with
what else was going on.

446
00:23:53,131 --> 00:23:56,134
Maybe in the house, you know,

447
00:23:56,735 --> 00:24:01,306
and I mean. The serenity prayer
is something that, I'm a member of Al-Anon,

448
00:24:01,306 --> 00:24:04,910
which is, like the counterpart
to Alcoholics Anonymous.

449
00:24:04,910 --> 00:24:08,246
So AA is for people
that struggle with alcohol.

450
00:24:08,246 --> 00:24:12,918
And I've had people in my life
who are members of that program.

451
00:24:12,918 --> 00:24:17,022
And so I'm in Al-Anon,
and a lot of what I was trying to control

452
00:24:17,022 --> 00:24:20,992
was because of the circumstances
related to maybe someone else's drinking.

453
00:24:20,992 --> 00:24:24,229
And then I was starting to,
like over obsess in control

454
00:24:24,663 --> 00:24:25,597
in other areas of my life.

455
00:24:25,597 --> 00:24:28,033
So I think it's interesting, like,

456
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:29,968
it is hard to

457
00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:32,971
accept
that you don't have a lot of control.

458
00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:36,942
And I think I came upon this,
I and I’m not going to say it verbatim,

459
00:24:37,008 --> 00:24:40,745
like, but it's not
what happens to you, it's how you respond.

460
00:24:41,546 --> 00:24:42,280
Right.

461
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,749
So we don't have a lot of control over
what happens to us.

462
00:24:44,749 --> 00:24:47,252
But we can

463
00:24:47,252 --> 00:24:50,222
respond in a way

464
00:24:50,455 --> 00:24:52,657
that can be healthy and helpful.

465
00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:54,626
And that's emotional intelligence right.

466
00:24:54,626 --> 00:24:56,728
That is emotional intelligence.

467
00:24:56,728 --> 00:24:57,462
Yeah.

468
00:24:57,462 --> 00:25:00,465
The power from ownership is immense.

469
00:25:00,599 --> 00:25:04,436
And everyone tries to control something.

470
00:25:04,803 --> 00:25:07,038
I mean you don't get away from it.

471
00:25:07,038 --> 00:25:10,475
I've been coaching this for,
you know, a couple decades,

472
00:25:10,475 --> 00:25:13,411
and I've been implementing this
for a very, very long time.

473
00:25:13,411 --> 00:25:16,081
And I still try to control things
I can't control.

474
00:25:16,081 --> 00:25:19,084
Yeah, I still fall, short of that.

475
00:25:19,651 --> 00:25:20,986
But when I.

476
00:25:20,986 --> 00:25:23,788
But when I'm in my place of ownership,

477
00:25:23,788 --> 00:25:27,893
what I found is I have so much influence
over outcomes.

478
00:25:27,993 --> 00:25:30,962
Yeah, yeah. And that is the part.

479
00:25:30,962 --> 00:25:33,965
And, the

480
00:25:34,332 --> 00:25:39,271
and then letting go of the stuff
I don't control for, one of the.

481
00:25:39,271 --> 00:25:42,674
So we had, we played euchre last night
and one of the videos

482
00:25:42,674 --> 00:25:46,177
that one of them showed was, three guys.

483
00:25:46,478 --> 00:25:47,145
It was like a husband.

484
00:25:47,145 --> 00:25:50,582
Two sons played a prank on the mom,

485
00:25:51,049 --> 00:25:54,052
putting a speaker in the back of the car.

486
00:25:54,286 --> 00:25:55,954
Oh no.

487
00:25:55,954 --> 00:25:59,491
And they put it and they had
it hooked up to where they could

488
00:25:59,491 --> 00:26:03,028
remote control,
do honking, cars honking different honks.

489
00:26:03,361 --> 00:26:07,399
So when a car would go behind them, “honk”
and she's like, why are you doing?

490
00:26:07,399 --> 00:26:11,570
And she is losing it, she is screaming.

491
00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:13,371
She is cussing.

492
00:26:13,371 --> 00:26:16,141
“I didn't do anything.” And “I'm just I'm so”

493
00:26:16,141 --> 00:26:18,910
And it's hilarious
and it's a terrible joke.

494
00:26:18,910 --> 00:26:22,480
But they were all like,
wow, that's the way I would do it.

495
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:27,552
And I'm on the place
where, literally just on Monday,

496
00:26:27,552 --> 00:26:33,158
I'm in traffic and, and I'm going to a not for profit.

497
00:26:33,491 --> 00:26:38,029
If you're in Des Moines, Urban
Dreams is a wonderful not for profit.

498
00:26:38,029 --> 00:26:39,164
Does a lot of great things.

499
00:26:39,164 --> 00:26:42,233
And I was headed there,
and there's a car behind me

500
00:26:42,233 --> 00:26:45,236
where we're construction, and they honk.

501
00:26:46,771 --> 00:26:48,273
I don't turn around.

502
00:26:48,273 --> 00:26:52,777
I don't, I don't fret,
I don't know why they're honking,

503
00:26:53,011 --> 00:26:56,681
but I know since I've done nothing,
I know whatever they're doing

504
00:26:56,681 --> 00:26:59,117
has nothing to do with me. Yeah.

505
00:26:59,117 --> 00:27:02,187
And that is that whole thing of
the emotional intelligence

506
00:27:02,187 --> 00:27:04,789
of being able to say,

507
00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:06,658
don't take anything personal.

508
00:27:06,658 --> 00:27:09,227
If it's true, accept it. Yeah.

509
00:27:09,227 --> 00:27:13,031
If it's not true,
it has nothing to do with you.

510
00:27:13,298 --> 00:27:15,900
It has everything to do
with the other person.

511
00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:18,336
And there's nothing
you need to do about it.

512
00:27:18,336 --> 00:27:20,138
Yeah,

513
00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:21,106
it's a great reminder.

514
00:27:21,106 --> 00:27:24,109
I, I try to keep that in perspective.

515
00:27:24,209 --> 00:27:27,646
You know, you know,
you start to worry, oh, so-and-so's

516
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,548
communicating with me differently or they,
I haven't heard from them.

517
00:27:30,548 --> 00:27:32,117
And it must be something that I did.

518
00:27:32,117 --> 00:27:34,619
Well, most of the time
it has nothing to do with me.

519
00:27:34,619 --> 00:27:37,622
But everyone thinks that
everything has to do with them, you know,

520
00:27:37,622 --> 00:27:40,025
because we just kind of live
inside our heads that way.

521
00:27:40,025 --> 00:27:43,862
We're human. We're human. And we're selfish.
And we're selfish.

522
00:27:44,162 --> 00:27:45,163
and everything's about us.

523
00:27:46,564 --> 00:27:49,567
It must be about me.

524
00:27:50,735 --> 00:27:54,172
I like how you said influencing outcomes.

525
00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:58,176
Like you don't have control over outcomes,
but you can influence outcomes, right?

526
00:27:58,176 --> 00:27:58,943
Oh my goodness, yes.

527
00:27:58,943 --> 00:28:02,847
And so I think that can be really helpful,
especially if people are in somewhat

528
00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:05,850
of a spiral of wanting to control,

529
00:28:05,850 --> 00:28:09,821
or feeling like they're out of control
or losing control.

530
00:28:10,655 --> 00:28:12,757
There's really not much in life
you can control.

531
00:28:12,757 --> 00:28:14,225
In my in my opinion.

532
00:28:14,225 --> 00:28:17,228
I mean, you you can influence things, but

533
00:28:17,762 --> 00:28:19,964
we say at EFR “life happens,
we're here to help”

534
00:28:19,964 --> 00:28:23,301
because you just don't always know
what's around the corner.

535
00:28:23,668 --> 00:28:28,640
And, if you have the right tools
to help you navigate whatever that is,

536
00:28:29,074 --> 00:28:33,211
you're going to be in a better place.
That helps. But, you know, reach out for help.

537
00:28:33,211 --> 00:28:35,714
I think people need to ask for help
more often.

538
00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:39,017
That's a big thing
that we try to encourage here

539
00:28:39,150 --> 00:28:40,552
at EFR is like, ask for help.

540
00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:42,220
You don't have to do life alone.

541
00:28:42,220 --> 00:28:46,524
It can be help from a coach, a counselor,
a friend, your neighbor, a stranger,

542
00:28:46,991 --> 00:28:48,860
your community. Just ask for help.

543
00:28:48,860 --> 00:28:49,894
You know, it's so important.

544
00:28:51,863 --> 00:28:52,230
All right.

545
00:28:52,230 --> 00:28:55,600
You had a really fun video on your YouTube
channel, which I'm going to link

546
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:59,571
in the show notes so people can connect
back and and start watching these.

547
00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:01,339
But you referenced the Adele song.

548
00:29:01,339 --> 00:29:04,342
I believe it was Go Easy on Me,

549
00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:06,111
which I love that song.

550
00:29:06,111 --> 00:29:10,648
And you talked about
like giving grace to your inner child.

551
00:29:10,648 --> 00:29:14,352
So let's kind of shift
the conversation towards

552
00:29:15,153 --> 00:29:18,123
when life happens and
you feel out of control and you feel like

553
00:29:18,123 --> 00:29:21,392
maybe you've made a mistake
or you don't know what to do next.

554
00:29:21,392 --> 00:29:22,827
Like, how can you just give yourself,

555
00:29:22,827 --> 00:29:25,530
like, the grace
and the space to just keep going?

556
00:29:25,530 --> 00:29:28,266
And what are some things that people
can remind themselves in those moments?

557
00:29:28,266 --> 00:29:31,069
Because everyone has those moments.
That's like a guarantee in life.

558
00:29:31,069 --> 00:29:33,304
Things are going
to be hard from time to time.

559
00:29:34,339 --> 00:29:35,173
Yeah.

560
00:29:35,173 --> 00:29:39,377
So, for
those who have watched this, that video

561
00:29:39,477 --> 00:29:42,480
and thank you for liking it.

562
00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:45,617
On the way into the studio

563
00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:49,320
to record an episode, that song came on

564
00:29:50,221 --> 00:29:52,891
and I hadn't heard it in a very,
very long time,

565
00:29:52,891 --> 00:29:56,828
and it reminded me
of one of the most important relationships

566
00:29:56,828 --> 00:30:00,565
that I've ever had in my entire life,
where that person

567
00:30:01,099 --> 00:30:05,403
had struggled with their inner
child, had struggled with the feelings

568
00:30:05,403 --> 00:30:06,538
of self-worth,

569
00:30:06,538 --> 00:30:10,642
had struggled with those things, and
those things bled into our relationship,

570
00:30:11,075 --> 00:30:13,878
and they ended up being a major

571
00:30:13,878 --> 00:30:17,649
part of what became
the relationship’s demise.

572
00:30:17,916 --> 00:30:21,553
And it wasn't
that they weren't an amazing person.

573
00:30:21,786 --> 00:30:23,888
They were amazing.

574
00:30:23,888 --> 00:30:27,525
It was they were so hard on themselves.

575
00:30:27,525 --> 00:30:32,263
They had a separate set of standards
for themselves.

576
00:30:32,263 --> 00:30:35,133
Yeah, than they did for everybody else.

577
00:30:35,133 --> 00:30:39,604
And if they were not perfect,
that was their spiral.

578
00:30:40,638 --> 00:30:43,641
And and the standard that they had,

579
00:30:44,108 --> 00:30:47,579
it kept them from being able
to receive compliments, receive

580
00:30:47,579 --> 00:30:51,216
universal currency,
receive love from everyone

581
00:30:51,216 --> 00:30:55,220
around them, from me, their kids,
their friends, their family,

582
00:30:55,220 --> 00:30:56,721
their coworkers.

583
00:30:56,721 --> 00:30:59,490
And it became such a huge thing.

584
00:30:59,490 --> 00:31:02,460
And I had always been so frustrated
about it.

585
00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:05,496
And that song reminded me

586
00:31:05,496 --> 00:31:08,499
of one the power of an apology.

587
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:12,203
And that song Adele owns it to says,

588
00:31:12,303 --> 00:31:15,306
I'm sorry, I didn't know.

589
00:31:16,107 --> 00:31:18,509
And please give me grace.

590
00:31:18,509 --> 00:31:19,110
Yeah.

591
00:31:19,110 --> 00:31:22,280
And when you can take that ownership

592
00:31:22,580 --> 00:31:26,584
that you don't have to be perfect
because you can't be perfect.

593
00:31:27,518 --> 00:31:31,022
And that if anyone needs that from you

594
00:31:31,389 --> 00:31:35,226
that person is not being loving
including yourself.

595
00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:39,163
And so to answer your question

596
00:31:39,597 --> 00:31:42,166
choosing to give ourselves

597
00:31:42,166 --> 00:31:45,236
universal currency
is one of the most important.

598
00:31:45,236 --> 00:31:50,408
So when I look at universal currency
there's personal and there is relational.

599
00:31:50,408 --> 00:31:53,211
And then there is spiritual
and there’s situational.

600
00:31:53,211 --> 00:31:58,316
The personal is what universal currency
are you giving to yourself

601
00:31:58,816 --> 00:32:01,552
and what is the universal currency
that you are receiving.

602
00:32:02,820 --> 00:32:03,888
There's certain outfits

603
00:32:03,888 --> 00:32:07,725
that I put on that
I feel like a million bucks.

604
00:32:08,192 --> 00:32:08,493
Yes.

605
00:32:08,493 --> 00:32:11,663
And we all have a certain
or a certain pair

606
00:32:11,663 --> 00:32:14,666
of shoes or a certain outfit.

607
00:32:14,832 --> 00:32:17,035
It's one thing to do it, it's
another thing

608
00:32:17,035 --> 00:32:21,406
to acknowledge that I did this for myself.

609
00:32:21,439 --> 00:32:22,440
Right.

610
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:25,710
One of the universal currencies
that I did for me today,

611
00:32:26,811 --> 00:32:29,781
I took a 30 minute nap,

612
00:32:29,781 --> 00:32:32,784
where I was probably only sleeping about maybe
15 minutes.

613
00:32:32,850 --> 00:32:34,986
Yeah. Before this.

614
00:32:34,986 --> 00:32:36,187
Yeah.

615
00:32:36,187 --> 00:32:37,956
Huge universal currency.

616
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:39,624
Are there
things I could be doing at work?

617
00:32:39,624 --> 00:32:41,059
Are there other tasks?

618
00:32:41,059 --> 00:32:43,428
Absolutely.

619
00:32:43,428 --> 00:32:47,732
But I got to give myself some universal
currency and then I'm happy about me.

620
00:32:47,999 --> 00:32:51,269
So learning how to love ourselves

621
00:32:52,103 --> 00:32:54,572
is one of the best things that we can do.

622
00:32:54,572 --> 00:32:57,608
And it offsets so many of those things.

623
00:32:58,042 --> 00:33:00,912
And and that is

624
00:33:00,912 --> 00:33:03,915
that is how we get to love our inner child

625
00:33:03,948 --> 00:33:08,553
and let that child feel safe,
because we have done so many things.

626
00:33:08,553 --> 00:33:11,322
We know how many bad things
we've done. Yeah.

627
00:33:11,322 --> 00:33:15,126
So we know why our inner child
doesn't feel protected,

628
00:33:15,426 --> 00:33:19,030
doesn't feel like we have taken care
of it, cherished it, honored it.

629
00:33:19,630 --> 00:33:24,902
And the only way through that is to learn
how to love our inner child.

630
00:33:24,902 --> 00:33:30,608
And accept our inner
child for what it is and what it's not.

631
00:33:31,743 --> 00:33:34,746
And then let go. Yeah

632
00:33:34,746 --> 00:33:38,649
I like that you chose to do a little rest
and reset before this podcast.

633
00:33:38,649 --> 00:33:42,387
And I'm curious if you just want to share
with our listeners how you chose that,

634
00:33:42,387 --> 00:33:45,423
because I think that,
that is listening to yourself

635
00:33:45,423 --> 00:33:48,359
and what you need is a form of self-care
and it’s universal currency.

636
00:33:48,359 --> 00:33:50,862
And I think sometimes

637
00:33:50,862 --> 00:33:54,766
that is hard for people to do
is to listen to what they need.

638
00:33:54,766 --> 00:33:55,800
So how did you come,

639
00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:59,003
You know, there could have been other ways
that you could have accepted

640
00:33:59,003 --> 00:34:01,372
or received universal currency,
but that was what you chose.

641
00:34:01,372 --> 00:34:03,341
Was it because you were feeling tired?

642
00:34:03,341 --> 00:34:06,477
Like, and I'm only asking this
because I think it's helpful for people

643
00:34:06,477 --> 00:34:10,948
to hear like your thought
process behind making that choice.

644
00:34:10,948 --> 00:34:11,315
Sure.

645
00:34:13,151 --> 00:34:13,718
I didn't get a

646
00:34:13,718 --> 00:34:17,622
ton of good sleep last night,
and I was up early, this morning,

647
00:34:17,955 --> 00:34:21,959
going to a UBN network.

648
00:34:21,959 --> 00:34:24,629
It's the Unconventional Business
Network group.

649
00:34:24,629 --> 00:34:29,400
And I wanted to be early
because I like to be early and and,

650
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:32,737
we did that,
and then I had a bunch of tasks to do.

651
00:34:33,171 --> 00:34:36,174
And by the time I got back,

652
00:34:36,707 --> 00:34:38,943
I knew I was tired. Yeah.

653
00:34:38,943 --> 00:34:41,679
I mean, I'm not an early morning person.

654
00:34:41,679 --> 00:34:43,981
I'll never be an early morning person.

655
00:34:43,981 --> 00:34:46,918
I'm a night owl. And.

656
00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:51,289
And I knew by giving myself a nap

657
00:34:52,390 --> 00:34:54,092
I was going to be better
for the rest of the day.

658
00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:55,326
I had this.

659
00:34:55,326 --> 00:34:57,462
I wanted to be alert.
I wanted to be all that.

660
00:34:57,462 --> 00:34:58,930
I've got more work.

661
00:34:58,930 --> 00:35:03,000
I'm working on an application for,
Department of,

662
00:35:03,067 --> 00:35:06,637
Defense contract,
and I've got some other things.

663
00:35:06,904 --> 00:35:07,238
Yeah.

664
00:35:07,238 --> 00:35:12,777
And then there's, an evening event,
the DSM magazine unveiling tonight.

665
00:35:12,810 --> 00:35:13,711
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

666
00:35:13,711 --> 00:35:17,515
And I know I want to be fresh.

667
00:35:17,748 --> 00:35:19,050
Yeah. And

668
00:35:20,251 --> 00:35:23,488
loving me is taking a nap.

669
00:35:23,821 --> 00:35:24,122
Yes.

670
00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:27,992
And turning off the shades
and not worrying about whether or not

671
00:35:27,992 --> 00:35:31,729
I get sleep,
but just giving myself that. Setting

672
00:35:31,729 --> 00:35:34,599
a couple alarms in case I nap nap.

673
00:35:34,599 --> 00:35:37,401
And, you know, you take off,

674
00:35:37,401 --> 00:35:40,404
you know, the watch,
and you make sure the phone can’t buzz

675
00:35:40,638 --> 00:35:45,543
and you just give yourself 30 minutes
to refresh.

676
00:35:45,776 --> 00:35:48,579
Yeah. And,
and that's how I get there.

677
00:35:48,579 --> 00:35:51,782
I, I would honestly, genuinely

678
00:35:51,782 --> 00:35:56,154
say the one thing
that I do better than anything is love.

679
00:35:56,787 --> 00:35:59,023
It is a skill. It is a gift.

680
00:35:59,023 --> 00:36:00,925
It is my number one value.

681
00:36:00,925 --> 00:36:04,595
And I love loving and,

682
00:36:04,795 --> 00:36:08,733
and I don't put conditions on it
because there's no such thing

683
00:36:08,733 --> 00:36:10,101
as conditional love.

684
00:36:10,101 --> 00:36:12,036
Because love is just a gift.

685
00:36:12,036 --> 00:36:15,273
And I don't worry about whether or not
they receive it or they thank me.

686
00:36:15,673 --> 00:36:18,409
I do it for the opportunity to do it.

687
00:36:18,409 --> 00:36:21,812
And. Yeah. And I love loving on me.

688
00:36:22,180 --> 00:36:26,050
Yeah. I, yeah.
I think it's just so important

689
00:36:26,050 --> 00:36:28,085
that people pay attention
to what they need.

690
00:36:28,085 --> 00:36:31,088
So today you needed that nap
and maybe tomorrow it would be like,

691
00:36:31,088 --> 00:36:34,725
oh, I wanted to go for a walk outside
and get some fresh air, you know?

692
00:36:34,959 --> 00:36:39,597
And I think that's where self-care
gets tricky for people, you know, whether

693
00:36:39,597 --> 00:36:44,168
we're calling it self-love, self-care,
you know, a universal currency.

694
00:36:44,168 --> 00:36:47,171
I think we kind of get trapped
in this mentality that we have to,

695
00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:49,974
you know, check boxes off of a list
and kind of like you said,

696
00:36:49,974 --> 00:36:51,842
your priorities are never going to be like

697
00:36:51,842 --> 00:36:53,844
on a list of things
to accomplish in a day,

698
00:36:53,844 --> 00:36:56,948
like they're your priorities, like you
just know, like for you, it's your tribe.

699
00:36:57,348 --> 00:36:58,983
But I think

700
00:37:00,751 --> 00:37:02,053
I always like to share this.

701
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:05,056
It's like, be the person who knows
what's best for you. Yes.

702
00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:06,557
Because there.

703
00:37:06,557 --> 00:37:09,827
And I can think of people in my life
who feel like

704
00:37:10,361 --> 00:37:13,197
they know what's best for everyone.

705
00:37:13,197 --> 00:37:16,701
And that's just, I don't, no,

706
00:37:16,734 --> 00:37:18,502
I know what's best for me.

707
00:37:18,502 --> 00:37:20,705
And yes, there have been times
when I've been wrong.

708
00:37:20,705 --> 00:37:21,572
Absolutely.

709
00:37:21,572 --> 00:37:24,542
And I've, I've,
you know, corrected course.

710
00:37:24,775 --> 00:37:28,679
But for the most part,
I trust that I know what's best for me.

711
00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:34,518
And through life experiences, my
intuition, paying attention to how I feel.

712
00:37:34,518 --> 00:37:38,856
Not just physically, but emotionally,
socially, spiritually, financially,

713
00:37:38,856 --> 00:37:41,826
whatever it might,
whichever dimension we're talking about,

714
00:37:41,826 --> 00:37:44,762
like, no one knows me better than me,

715
00:37:44,762 --> 00:37:46,097
right?

716
00:37:46,097 --> 00:37:48,332
And I think that's a good reminder
for people.

717
00:37:48,332 --> 00:37:49,433
That is, so

718
00:37:50,701 --> 00:37:51,469
that gets

719
00:37:51,469 --> 00:37:55,406
tricky because you have studied emotional intelligence.

720
00:37:55,406 --> 00:37:57,475
You have become self-aware.

721
00:37:57,475 --> 00:38:00,211
Therefore you, Johanna,

722
00:38:00,211 --> 00:38:03,214
know you better than anyone else.

723
00:38:03,247 --> 00:38:06,217
There's a lot of people that have not done
that work

724
00:38:06,217 --> 00:38:10,154
to where their closest friends,
their best friends, their loved ones

725
00:38:10,521 --> 00:38:13,257
know them better than they know
themselves.

726
00:38:13,257 --> 00:38:16,260
Yeah. Which gets really tricky.

727
00:38:17,161 --> 00:38:19,196
But no, I, I agree. Is that,

728
00:38:19,196 --> 00:38:23,367
Would that be someone like, who could
really benefit from coaching then?

729
00:38:23,634 --> 00:38:26,737
Like if if they're feeling
like they don't know themselves,

730
00:38:26,737 --> 00:38:32,343
wouldn't coaching
be like a really great tool for them? Yes.

731
00:38:32,610 --> 00:38:34,612
And and here's the thing.

732
00:38:34,612 --> 00:38:36,847
I don't care what coaching you get.

733
00:38:36,847 --> 00:38:37,982
Get some.

734
00:38:37,982 --> 00:38:40,217
Yeah. Vet it,
and make sure they are skilled.

735
00:38:40,217 --> 00:38:45,256
Make sure they have some sort of degree
or coaching certification.

736
00:38:45,556 --> 00:38:47,625
Please do that. Please vet them.

737
00:38:47,625 --> 00:38:52,096
Because the
the minimum entry point for a person

738
00:38:52,096 --> 00:38:55,800
to say they're a coach is just they say
they hold a shingle and go, I'm a coach.

739
00:38:56,100 --> 00:38:57,134
So vet them.

740
00:38:57,134 --> 00:38:59,670
Get the good stuff. Yeah.

741
00:38:59,670 --> 00:39:05,176
International Coaching Federation
is the best resource to find a good coach.

742
00:39:05,943 --> 00:39:10,047
Because they are qualified and trained.
And find out,

743
00:39:10,247 --> 00:39:13,250
first and foremost, find out who you are.

744
00:39:13,417 --> 00:39:14,452
Because here's the thing.

745
00:39:15,586 --> 00:39:16,120
Do you know how

746
00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:19,990
hard it is when you meet someone
and you and the

747
00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:22,193
“I fell in love at first sight”

748
00:39:22,193 --> 00:39:25,029
Well, you don’t know them.

749
00:39:25,029 --> 00:39:27,264
So how can you love them for who they are?

750
00:39:27,264 --> 00:39:30,267
Yeah. You can’t. You can have a feeling.

751
00:39:30,267 --> 00:39:31,669
But here's the other part of that.

752
00:39:31,669 --> 00:39:35,840
If you don't know who you are,
how can you also expect to love yourself?

753
00:39:36,073 --> 00:39:38,042
Yeah, that's true. For who you are.

754
00:39:38,042 --> 00:39:40,378
Is that all starts with who you are.

755
00:39:40,378 --> 00:39:43,914
Which is why in our coach
with relationship wealth coaching it,

756
00:39:44,281 --> 00:39:45,349
we start with that.

757
00:39:45,349 --> 00:39:50,254
The other part
that you're talking about,

758
00:39:50,254 --> 00:39:53,257
what we don't do for ourselves

759
00:39:53,657 --> 00:39:59,063
is one of the biggest insults
we can do in America.

760
00:39:59,764 --> 00:40:02,767
And I have not studied
this particular fact,

761
00:40:02,867 --> 00:40:07,738
in other cultures, but I'm going to guess
it's pretty high up there, is

762
00:40:08,172 --> 00:40:09,573
you are selfish.

763
00:40:10,708 --> 00:40:11,308
Yeah.

764
00:40:11,308 --> 00:40:11,909
Oh, yeah.

765
00:40:11,909 --> 00:40:15,846
We will do things at all cost

766
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:18,883
to avoid looking selfish.

767
00:40:18,983 --> 00:40:20,017
Feeling selfish.

768
00:40:20,017 --> 00:40:20,551
Yeah.

769
00:40:20,551 --> 00:40:25,890
So much so that we won't do
good for ourselves and we won't do that.

770
00:40:26,123 --> 00:40:28,659
My very first episode is

771
00:40:28,659 --> 00:40:31,662
“You're not selfish, and I can prove it.”

772
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:35,266
And it's one of my best episodes.

773
00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:38,269
And because the tug tip is this:

774
00:40:39,904 --> 00:40:43,707
selfish isn't putting yourself first.

775
00:40:46,277 --> 00:40:49,113
Selfish is putting yourself first

776
00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:53,751
at the expense of someone else. Yes.

777
00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:55,186
Yeah.

778
00:40:55,186 --> 00:40:58,389
I put myself first by taking a nap.

779
00:40:59,924 --> 00:41:01,926
Now, if I took a nap

780
00:41:01,926 --> 00:41:05,463
instead of helping a friend
who needs a ride to,

781
00:41:05,729 --> 00:41:09,233
the hospital, now that's selfish. Right.

782
00:41:09,233 --> 00:41:12,236
I'm doing it
at the expense of someone and,

783
00:41:12,870 --> 00:41:16,340
and I don't always have to be
doing something for you.

784
00:41:16,740 --> 00:41:19,977
I can put me first as a priority.

785
00:41:21,345 --> 00:41:24,348
And the people who love me, you know what
they say?

786
00:41:24,515 --> 00:41:25,950
Good job.

787
00:41:25,950 --> 00:41:28,853
Because they want to be loving to me.

788
00:41:28,853 --> 00:41:33,757
And show that universal currency, if I do
something for me that is really good

789
00:41:34,625 --> 00:41:38,028
and the other person goes
well why would you do that?

790
00:41:38,028 --> 00:41:41,465
I now know wherever they're at in that
moment, they're not thinking about me.

791
00:41:41,465 --> 00:41:44,401
They're thinking about themselves.

792
00:41:44,401 --> 00:41:45,503
And now guess what.

793
00:41:45,503 --> 00:41:48,506
Now they're being selfish. Yes.

794
00:41:49,006 --> 00:41:51,242
I love it.

795
00:41:51,242 --> 00:41:51,976
It's true though.

796
00:41:51,976 --> 00:41:54,645
It's true I, I'm glad that you,

797
00:41:54,645 --> 00:41:58,382
I'm glad that you corrected me
because you're right like I have had

798
00:41:58,616 --> 00:42:01,952
I have had opportunities
to do that kind of self-discovery.

799
00:42:02,253 --> 00:42:04,421
And I do remember
what life was like before

800
00:42:04,421 --> 00:42:08,192
I didn't have those opportunities,
and it was through coaching and support

801
00:42:08,192 --> 00:42:12,496
groups and a lot of counseling that
I was able to kind of land in the place

802
00:42:12,496 --> 00:42:15,499
I'm in, and I'm still evolving and I'm
still having to work on a lot of things.

803
00:42:15,966 --> 00:42:17,067
But you're right.

804
00:42:17,067 --> 00:42:20,371
People don't always know themselves best.

805
00:42:20,471 --> 00:42:23,541
But that is the goal is that, you know,
we want you to know yourself best.

806
00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:26,710
And so I love that you mentioned
the International Coaching Federation

807
00:42:26,710 --> 00:42:29,313
because we have life coaching at EFR
through our EAP benefit.

808
00:42:29,313 --> 00:42:31,549
And we do look for ICF coaches.

809
00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:34,818
And I would love to include your contact
information in the show notes,

810
00:42:34,818 --> 00:42:36,854
because not everyone who listens
has our benefits.

811
00:42:36,854 --> 00:42:39,256
And you might be a great resource
for them.

812
00:42:39,256 --> 00:42:42,760
And also tell us a little bit
about tug tips before we sign off,

813
00:42:42,760 --> 00:42:46,130
because I've seen the book and you've
mentioned a couple of them today.

814
00:42:46,130 --> 00:42:49,099
I really like the one,
that you mentioned about,

815
00:42:49,099 --> 00:42:52,369
you know, you're not selfish
if you're putting yourself first.

816
00:42:52,369 --> 00:42:55,472
You're selfish if you're putting yourself
first at the expense of others.

817
00:42:55,472 --> 00:42:57,975
But is there any other tug
tip that you want to leave us with today?

818
00:42:59,043 --> 00:43:01,412
Like a favorite

819
00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:04,381
doesn't even have to be related
to what we're talking about right now.

820
00:43:05,482 --> 00:43:09,987
Although I have a feeling they all kind of
connect back to. They, they, Yeah.

821
00:43:09,987 --> 00:43:15,926
So Tug Tips is a book
came out, 7 or 8 years ago.

822
00:43:15,926 --> 00:43:17,127
I don't remember when it came out.

823
00:43:17,127 --> 00:43:22,266
And it is 52 tips of wisdom
and then it's got a

824
00:43:22,666 --> 00:43:25,369
and each one has a paragraph or two

825
00:43:25,369 --> 00:43:29,340
that dives deeper into, into it.

826
00:43:29,340 --> 00:43:33,077
And then and then at the bottom
it has an action step

827
00:43:33,544 --> 00:43:36,580
because without action
there can be no transformation.

828
00:43:37,514 --> 00:43:41,085
And that's where the longstanding. Boy

829
00:43:41,418 --> 00:43:44,421
a favorite tug tip.

830
00:43:45,556 --> 00:43:49,727
So, for, for the people who are wondering
why it's taken long.

831
00:43:49,727 --> 00:43:51,428
So the first book has 52.

832
00:43:52,963 --> 00:43:55,699
I have over 400.

833
00:43:55,699 --> 00:44:00,404
Oh my gosh. Tug tips that are waiting
to get into books. You’re holding some back.

834
00:44:00,404 --> 00:44:04,041
And every, almost every episode,

835
00:44:04,341 --> 00:44:08,579
in the YouTube
channel includes a tug tip.

836
00:44:08,679 --> 00:44:09,480
Okay.

837
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:14,785
So, let's see, let's go with,

838
00:44:15,119 --> 00:44:20,424
I probably have a tug tip book.

839
00:44:20,424 --> 00:44:23,794
Now the book that has the 52, as I recall,
because I have paged through it.

840
00:44:23,794 --> 00:44:26,797
It's like a tip a week,

841
00:44:27,297 --> 00:44:28,298
right? Yes.

842
00:44:28,298 --> 00:44:29,700
So that's why there's 52.

843
00:44:29,700 --> 00:44:31,735
It's designed to do it once a week.

844
00:44:31,735 --> 00:44:35,072
So you do the tug tip
and then you practice that for a week

845
00:44:35,072 --> 00:44:38,208
to kind of get good at it
before you go to the next one. So

846
00:44:43,647 --> 00:44:44,682
Oh okay.

847
00:44:44,682 --> 00:44:45,182
All right.

848
00:44:45,182 --> 00:44:47,651
I just open it up. Okay. Tug tip.

849
00:44:47,651 --> 00:44:49,787
This was meant to be
the one that you're sharing.

850
00:44:49,787 --> 00:44:51,221
I believe. Yes, I agree with you.

851
00:44:51,221 --> 00:44:53,490
I believe. Tug tip number 40.

852
00:44:54,692 --> 00:44:56,894
Love is unfair.

853
00:44:56,894 --> 00:45:00,264
It means sharing it
with those who do not deserve it.

854
00:45:02,099 --> 00:45:04,702
And that is hard.

855
00:45:04,702 --> 00:45:06,904
Yeah, it's kind of a yucky reality.

856
00:45:06,904 --> 00:45:10,140
I'm going to lean all the way
and it's like, oh,

857
00:45:10,908 --> 00:45:13,110
this person just did me wrong. Yeah.

858
00:45:13,110 --> 00:45:18,182
And they didn’t apologize. And then they
doubled down and then they attacked me.

859
00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:25,923
And I still have the ownership
and the opportunity to show love.

860
00:45:25,923 --> 00:45:29,126
And it goes right into the Adele song.

861
00:45:29,126 --> 00:45:34,465
When that person was doing those things,
we still have the choice.

862
00:45:34,965 --> 00:45:37,968
Instead of giving them
what we think they deserve,

863
00:45:38,535 --> 00:45:40,637
we can still choose to show them love.

864
00:45:40,637 --> 00:45:45,509
And we're not a doormat
and we're not being taken advantage of.

865
00:45:45,709 --> 00:45:46,944
We have boundaries.

866
00:45:46,944 --> 00:45:51,014
We have those healthy boundaries,
but we can still choose to love.

867
00:45:51,548 --> 00:45:56,553
And one of the most loving things you can
do, and it's my favorite thing to do, is

868
00:45:57,154 --> 00:46:00,090
meet someone where they're at.

869
00:46:00,090 --> 00:46:03,961
Love them for who they are
and wherever they are in their journey

870
00:46:04,194 --> 00:46:06,163
without judgment.

871
00:46:06,163 --> 00:46:09,800
And that is how I truly try to approach
every human being.

872
00:46:10,467 --> 00:46:13,837
And I try to make sure I don't do
and I do a lot of things.

873
00:46:13,837 --> 00:46:16,039
Unboxing our world.

874
00:46:16,039 --> 00:46:18,642
So I don't put you in a box
that you're a female,

875
00:46:18,642 --> 00:46:22,646
or that you have brown hair
or that you are a Democrat.

876
00:46:23,347 --> 00:46:28,018
Or, or, or, or, or. I just look at who you are,
and I try to see

877
00:46:28,018 --> 00:46:31,188
what values you're showing
and what values matter to you.

878
00:46:31,188 --> 00:46:32,923
And then I just try to love on
you on that.

879
00:46:32,923 --> 00:46:39,062
And that is literally one of
the best things that I can do every day.

880
00:46:39,062 --> 00:46:43,767
And it really is one of my priorities
that I don't have to prioritize.

881
00:46:43,934 --> 00:46:44,334
Yeah,

882
00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:47,304
I think that's

883
00:46:47,304 --> 00:46:50,974
the most perfect way to end this episode,
because I think that message is great,

884
00:46:50,974 --> 00:46:53,410
and I think it's something
that people need to hear. And I love that

885
00:46:53,410 --> 00:46:58,015
that was the page that you opened up because
like you said, it's oh, it's a hard one.

886
00:46:58,015 --> 00:46:59,082
It's a hard one to accept.

887
00:46:59,082 --> 00:47:02,252
But I really appreciate your time
today, Ernest.

888
00:47:02,252 --> 00:47:04,755
And I've got all sorts of good information
to leave in the show notes.

889
00:47:04,755 --> 00:47:07,691
So your website is evolutionei.com.

890
00:47:07,691 --> 00:47:10,694
Yes. Your business: Relationship
Wealth Enterprise.

891
00:47:10,694 --> 00:47:14,498
I will include a link to your YouTube
channel as well as your website.

892
00:47:14,498 --> 00:47:19,203
And the Daniel Goleman EQ 2.0.

893
00:47:19,203 --> 00:47:20,938
Is that a book that I could link as well?

894
00:47:20,938 --> 00:47:23,106
If people are really interested?
Yes. Yeah.

895
00:47:23,106 --> 00:47:27,911
So Daniel Goleman is considered the quote
unquote father of emotional intelligence.

896
00:47:28,145 --> 00:47:31,448
He has done so much research on it. Yeah.

897
00:47:31,481 --> 00:47:36,920
Daniel Goleman Emotional
Intelligence, as your starting point.

898
00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:37,821
And then do

899
00:47:37,821 --> 00:47:41,024
Daniel Goleman
Emotional Intelligence 2.0.

900
00:47:41,191 --> 00:47:43,126
Okay. Perfect, perfect.

901
00:47:43,126 --> 00:47:44,428
And TUG Tips.

902
00:47:44,428 --> 00:47:46,296
Is that book on your website?

903
00:47:46,296 --> 00:47:46,997
Yes.

904
00:47:46,997 --> 00:47:50,834
That is, at firewalkerpublishing.com.

905
00:47:51,068 --> 00:47:51,535
Okay.

906
00:47:52,669 --> 00:47:53,837
I will get all this

907
00:47:53,837 --> 00:47:58,141
information
in, and people can click to learn more.

908
00:47:58,141 --> 00:47:59,710
But thank you so much for your time.

909
00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:01,879
It's been lovely having this conversation.

910
00:48:01,879 --> 00:48:03,480
Thank you for inviting me.

911
00:48:03,480 --> 00:48:06,183
I love what you do. Thank you.

912
00:48:06,183 --> 00:48:07,951
I'm accepting it. Thank you.

913
00:48:07,951 --> 00:48:08,552
Well done.

914
00:48:08,552 --> 00:48:14,124
And seriously, one of the greatest things
that you said to me was you needed to do

915
00:48:14,124 --> 00:48:19,496
coaching and therapy and other things
in order to learn who you are.

916
00:48:20,430 --> 00:48:25,969
And very, very, very, very few people
truly learn who they are without that.

917
00:48:26,303 --> 00:48:28,538
Yeah, I believe that's true.

918
00:48:28,538 --> 00:48:30,240
I believe that’s true. Very, very few.

919
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:35,312
So, it's not just a, an added help.

920
00:48:35,312 --> 00:48:36,914
It's a necessity.

921
00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:38,181
Yeah, well, thank you.

922
00:48:38,181 --> 00:48:41,485
I it's definitely a commitment
as well. So.

923
00:48:42,085 --> 00:48:44,922
So thank you so much, Ernest. All right.

924
00:48:44,922 --> 00:48:46,423
Thank you.

925
00:48:46,423 --> 00:48:48,091
Thank you for listening to Emotion Well.

926
00:48:48,091 --> 00:48:49,459
Employee & Family Resources

927
00:48:49,459 --> 00:48:53,530
is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization
located in Des Moines, Iowa.

928
00:48:53,764 --> 00:48:56,700
We support communities, workplaces,
and schools with comprehensive

929
00:48:56,700 --> 00:48:58,201
behavioral health services.

930
00:48:58,201 --> 00:48:59,703
If you would like to contribute
to our mission,

931
00:48:59,703 --> 00:49:01,805
please click on the donation
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